#this shit is NOT going in any other tag im not subjecting the regular people to this. god bless

[ledreca]

obligatory tommy taffy hc post

once again if ur one of my disc friends for the love of god do not press read more. thanks

sort of half headcanons half character analysis idk i was just writing whatever i thought of since everyone else is

warnings: written under the assumption youve read the book, includes heavy spoilers for both the reddit story and published third parent book by elias witherow, mentions/jokes of some of the more violent acts comitted by taffy but nothing explicit or sexual. you read the book you know what youre in for. also long ass post sorry i wrote all this on my phone last night

go ahead and preface everything here with "i think" cus as these are headcanons they are just my personal thoughts and ideas of stuff making up his character. that i made up

he has "real" hair, or at the very least it's made up of individual strands and not just a chunk of blond plastic. brushable and styleable!

his soft plastic doll-like skin is actually a fairly recent development. previous iterations through time had him being made of stuff like stained wood, stuffed cloth, porcelain, whatever rez saw humans using for idols and toys and such at the time. the plastic variant is comparatively modern, obviously inspired by barbie toy lines

the skin is surprisingly malleable, functioning similarly to both the human epidermis and the plastic of a modern toy. its able to bend smoothly and fold in areas, but also any imprints of say, fingernail scratches or bite marks, will remain there until he does something about it. it irritates him to no end how impressionable it is but he tolerates it for the benefits appearance-wise

he doesn't have eyeballs per say, but he does have the sockets and general shape of them. they aren't flat. the whites of his eyes, eyelashes, and eyebrows all appear painted on tho he is still able to emote with his eyebrows. the iris is also painted on but he can move them just like a regular human can

the blue glow of his eyes is controllable by will and strengthened by heightened emotions, tho he prefers to keep a low ambient level in low light

his mouth area lacks any shape or definition, and instead also appears painted on like his other features. his teeth also lack real detail and look uncannily simple on his 3 dimensional living body (I like to think rez wanted to give him a more silly cartoonish glee vibe and instead got uncanny and sinister ones). it can still open and emote differently than his default wide toothy grin.

lets get to the guts . . . (haha) his interior is full of flesh. just flesh. like what someone who didn't know what humans or mammals or organs are would imagine is inside something only known as soft and made of meat. just full of dark and meat and goo and warp all coated in a thin layer of syrupy yellow. (I can't actually come up with a reasoning for rezs choice in making his blood yellow. maybe he thought it to be associated with happier things than humanity's red blood and that it would never really matter anyway since he'd totally never get sliced open? lol!). rez got a little lazy when it came to designing something as complicated (and objectively subparly structured) as the human organ system so he just said screw it

looking at his exterior skin tho you would never be able to tell nothing really makes sense underneath, cus his body concaves and bends and is detailed in every way that would suggest a fully developed skeletal structure and organs. he can bend any way he'd like, but he does still prefer to try and follow anatomical standards. he also appears to have a circulatory and cardiovascular system, seeing as his blood can rush to his face and other areas to "blush" yellow (yeah hc he can blush). you might even be able to hear a facsimile of a heartbeat if you had your ear pressed up against his chest :)

the only "interior" rez cared to put any effort in designing is taffys mouth and jaw structure, since it'd be visible whenever taffy would open his mouth for emoting. it looks like a generically simple mouth with no detail past the color red and 2 curved blocks on the top and bottom to represent his molars connected to his "main" teeth. it also doesn't go anywhere and is just a small pocket, so he can't actually eat anything as itd have nowhere to go

since someone else brought it up first NOT ME I'll relay my own thoughts of the subject of taffys Lower body parts. Tommy Taffy was designed by something who wanted him to successfully blend in with humanity while also being remarkable enough in a fun friendly way (whether he succeeded is another story lol) and thus designed him with everything important he believed made up a human being. rez also admits to originally believing sex and violence were the predominate human traits due to his first experiences with humanity being very early stages of life and civilization. so yeah, he probably wouldve designed him with all the knowledge and exterior parts of a normal male human being, why would he suddenly decide to cut corners on his dream's own physical lower body? (now whether or not EVERY subsequent layer had all the bits and bobs is debatable and subjective but this is purely a personal and subjective post anyway lol!) also he gave him a goddamn tongue, guys. come on

taffy could very well be a reality bending divine being IF he thought he was able to. taffy operates under strict mental parameters carried from rezs influence to not be able to pass certain self-imposed limits on his own power. its mentioned in the book he could go up to like 66 thousand copies of himself like his real name meaning (66358 deadnaming lol) but I think at his current level he could build even more layers or just copies of himself or even create something else entirely new if he just knew he was capable of it. like father like son

some words about how his layers work: in the book rez describes it as each layer being a different tweak or change to the original base layer, so this can sort of be equated as like a code base on github or something idk im not a coder. except since he never actually overwrote anything, every "bug" and "deprecated feature" never actually got fixed or removed with each update, just pushed to a metaphorical backburner. so the modern taffy would basically be running a constant rng game to decide how he would react to stimuli from his environment, which can hopefully better explain his emotions switching at the drop of a hat and his bipolarity. sorry this was like confusing af lol

^ also all his layers probably think just a liiittle differently from eachother, each one isnt just a perfect carbon copy. seeing how in the book he could theoretically go up to sixty thousand present copies, it can be assumed each summoned layer is either a compound of every layer minus the latest layer additions or, what i believe, a "division" of several layers. like, say he had three manifestations active, each one with a divided ratio of the total sixy thousand, so theyd only have around twenty thousand changes picked at random. theoretically, one of his manifestations could have a very low amount of "early" builds and lack most of the violent/sexual tendencies and instead be a relatively decent guy. what are the chances of something like that happening though haha

he has a perfect hivemind relationship with his other current manifested layers, and he's able to perfectly tune in to every manifestation with precise focus. he doesn't really think about this tho as it's another one of those self-imposed limits to not acknowledge just how powerful his mind really is. this could also be why he's so irritated when someone points out or acknowledges another one of his layers

I don't actually think he works like this but itd be funny to imagine his thoughts are just all his 60000 layers yelling at each other like in slay the princess. mental fortitude of a god to be able to function with that shit

he's capable of instantly remanifesfing himself. he sometimes doesn't for reasons I'll talk about later (threat) but he IS able to "shed" and dismiss his current form for a new one if his gets, say, dirty bitten scratched stabbed lost russian roulette and/or set on fire. he just appears back either in front of a house if he plans on making an entrance or back inside if he knows no one will see him, depending on the severity and reason for why he had to remanifest. just like imagine if some kid accidentally got apple juice all over his stupid khakis and he was like "🤗 no biggie!" while internally fuming and he just disappears into some shadowy corner and comes back in the middle of the night sitting on the couch all clean and ominous

he can be a master at virtually any skill or talent if he knows enough about it. like what's that? youre interested in woodworking? wow, taffys actually a master woodworker and a whiz with a whittler! you've been getting into opera singing lately? lucky, taffy has an incredible range and can be your theater partner! he'll help you :) (whether you want him to or not)

he does actually have a really nice voice and is naturally good at singing tho. someone else mentioned this but he rlly would be putting a kid to bed and have to come up with some shit on the spot to sing them to sleep. he probably would have an insane range too cus lack of real vocal cords and all his sounds coming from an unknown eldritch source of power in the sky

he can purr. that is all

i KNOW his chest be rumbling from his goofy laughing and it's so nice to lay on. mask off

he used to really look up to rez and admire him as a creator, at least until he began to actually "exist" as more and more layers were added and he could feel the dissatisfaction and maybe even hatred from rez for things that were actually rezs fault but taffy would later assume were his own shortcomings. this got even worse once rez discovered he was out and about on earth and tried stopping him, driving a wedge between them that would eventually escalate into full on hate and spite fueled rivalry (mostly on taffys part). he does still have some deepseated respect and reliance on rez tho

highkey fantasizes about someone breaking into one of the houses in his care. it would likely rarely if ever happen cus of the effects he has on a neighborhoods aura and it probably really drives outsiders away but maybe during an early taffy "infestation" someone could attempt to rob his current family. he has a power fantasy where he'd violently protect his home by making an example out of whatever misfortunate schmuck decided to break into the wrong house and rip into him, proving he's strong and capable of protecting his territory. no lasting physical trauma on his own beneficiaries needed! (no but like imagine you just broke the lock on some upper middle class house. you walk in past the foyer and into the living room and sitting on the couch in the dark room is some tall lanky figure staring at you with piercing blue lights and a wide white grin. he lets out a quiet chuckle. ur not dying quickly nor painlessly)

he is unfathomably dramatic. I'm talking insane drama queen levels and passion for theatrics. will always be dedicated to the bit. his body just got thrown off a cliff by his current family and they think he's gone for good? give them a couple weeks. let them think they won. all for the spectacular and horrific entrance busting down the door he'll make on his return. need to make an example out of some poor parent who's just disrespected him for the last time? he won't just punch them, no, hes about to splay their corpse on the shingles and make the kids help. he does NOT have to do allat but he does. for the bit

he's actually incredibly intolerant towards child abuse from parents and will very quickly nip it in the bud at the source i.e separate heads from necks if what he's seen is bad enough. he only ever really snaps on a family himself if they go against him, and punishment without reason would be enough for him to fully takeover for the abusive parents in question

I like to imagine there has to have been a least one set of kids who deemed him more tolerable than their real parents because they were just that bad (I plan on working on a little something with this premise in the future, highkey suck at writing tho so don't expect much)

he'd be surprisingly good at comforting someone if you just let him. he knows all the methods to handle panic attacks and best ways to hold someone to calm you down from night terrors and such

he thoroughly appreciates the senses and thinks humans take them for granted. he believes all senses are wondrous (the quiet sneeze of a baby, the warmth of a family pet choosing his lap to lay on in the middle of the night cus he hasn't moved and won't move for hours, the indulgent aroma of a tired husband's baking brownies wafting through the house, and ofc the sight of a child's small smile at some funny thought or another when they thought he wasn't looking. he'd enjoy tasting things too if he didn't think he was wasting it since he'd have to throw it away later) he's a sucker for it all

this dumbass probably really only does have one item in his wardrobe. poor sod and his stupid Hi! shirt hes emotionally dependant on. still dont have to draw him in tho. if he does branch out he would make sure to keep the Hi! in there somewhere, be it one of those name stickers or a on button pinned to his lapel

anyway not a hc but a potential fixit fic idea for the book ending if anyone wants it: "killing" rez didnt actually work. something went wrong, maybe a subconscious reeling that forced him to collapse and go dark, but he never actually died. (you cant kill a god that easy.) thus, taffy remains, albeit incredibly beaten and roughed up. something changed him that night, though. whether it was witnessing what he thought was the death of his precious creator, the showdown with one of his favorite wards, his own horrific "death", or something else entirely removed, he woke up in that housefire different. more appreciative of life and with a new understanding of his own morality (or lack thereof). he would leave and go to rez's own already-mending mass and theyd abscond.. somewhere. anywhere other than here with the memories literally burning behind them and dripping blue fluid. then theyd experience found family and love for the first time and finally bond as father and son and live happily ever after the end WIN

sorry and thanks for reading this if you got this far. stay winning taffy fans and led fans

[minecraftpissblock]

THANK YOU FOR TAGGING ME BABE @hopelesscalico :) going to do one of these for once because, for fun

Are you named after anyone? i dont think so! my parents own a couple zora neale hurston books but i think they just liked the name unrelatedly

When was the last time you cried? damn ummmmmm like last week probably i cant even remember

Do you have kids? nope! not really yearning to have any in the near future but possibly someday... crossing that bridge when we get there

What sports do you play/have you played? i did swim team for a second in late elementary/middle school and it was the most stressful shit of my life but now i can swim pretty good and i kind of miss it sometimes

Do you use sarcasm? yeas when im mad but i try very hard not to direct it at whoever im talking to

What is the first thing you notice about people? hmmm probably like their Talking style if that makes sense? i feel like a lot of my initial opinions on people rely on how they speak to me

What’s your eye colour? brown!!!!!!!

Scary movies or happy endings? happy endings but i will certainly not turn down a scary movie

Any talents? drawing and playing guitar and singing and sewing are the main things i do on a regular basis and consider myself proficient in, anything else is just kind of dabbling

Where were you born? WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAIN MAMA💪💪💪💪💪

What are your hobbies? i kind of answered this in the talents section i guess but i like drawing and playing music and sewing stuffed animals/fursuit parts and also video grames! i would probably list hiking here too if i still lived in wv but i hope to get back to doing outdoorsy stuff regularly someday

Do you have any pets? a stinky little cat named blossompaw (named her when i was 10 and in full swing warrior cats phase) and a beautiful angelic ball python named nyx!!!!!!

How tall are you? UMMMM i think like five feet and five inches

Favourite subject in school? life sciences and math and also hands-on art stuff

Dream job? WILDLIFE BIOLOGIST i want them to send me out to look at animals and then i do math about the animals

i have like 2 mutuals that havent already been tagged but hey guys @galushanationalrailways @ska-elysium @oceanfossil and any other mutuals who see this!!!!!!!!!! go wild

[reyeslonestar]

Lone star better square the hell up if they think we are just gonna accept this lame ass apology from Owen. It’s not nearly enough and the real apology that TK deserves. He has probably lived with this relationship with Owen his entire life or at least majority of it and that’s so sad. He seems so used to this that he just sat back and continued on with the intervention. I know that comment still hurts TK because of how he even brought it up. They need to circle back to this because I’m genuinely wondering what it’s gonna take for Owen to actually act like a good father. Loving your kid isn’t enough- you actually have to actively try to be a good parent. As in- remember they exist even when TK isn’t hurt or something. As in, don’t twist things around and play victim. All TK does is love his dad and yeah he gets frustrated with Owen because who wouldn’t but he still is always there. Owen straight up acted like TK didn’t exist when he thought Gwyn’s baby was his. He only said he would schedule the surgery because ‘he’s gonna be a dad’. He only jumps into father mode when TK was shot and kidnapped. Every other time??? It’s like oh TK is mad at me that’s why he is being a paramedic now. Like dude have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s not all about you? He just wanted the switch to the paramedic job because he likes it. These little moments add up and make me wanna yell at Owen FOR tk

anon, we are in agreement. god, I want to get tk by the shoulders and tell him that owen’s bullshit is absolutely not his fault and he has done way more than should have been expected of him. then id like to slap Owen upside the head and frogmarch him into therapy. very regular therapy.

you’ve brought up a lot of interesting things here so im going to stick most of my thoughts under a cut.

ultimately I think that the things that underscore the problems of TK and Owen’s relationship are Owen’s inconstancy and unreliability. I think theres a decent splash of narcissism in there too, which leads to him pressuring and gaslighting people, unloading his problems on random people, making himself the victim in any given confrontation, and also his misguided heroism stunts. but the root of him and TK having a fractured relationship comes from TK being unable to rely on Owen. (and hoo boy does that make me emotional about the fact that TK finally has someone he can completely rely on with Carlos)

so your first point:

this lame ass apology from Owen

honestly there were two weak apologies that stuck out to me - the first being the one during the intervention about Owen ‘going to be a father’ - yay, acknowledgment - but TK deserves an proper apology, one that doesn’t feel offhand, and not when Owen feels pressured by the environment. im sure im not the only one that felt that comment was disingenuous - it didnt feel at all like Owen actually felt sorry, or understood the damage he’d done. and then again in the vets - it felt pointed to me that TK had to confirm Owen was still going to go through with the surgery after buttercup turned out to be okay. he understandably doesn’t trust Owen to hold himself to his promises, even one he made in the last five minutes, and I think that reflects on how he views the apologies - if Owen can flip back and forth on promises about his own health, what’s stopping him from giving insincere apologies?

He has probably lived with this relationship with Owen his entire life or at least majority of it and that’s so sad. He seems so used to this

yeah I think you’re absolutely right - I think everything about their relationship, including TK’s anxieties about Owen’s unreliability, stem from him feeling left behind during his childhood (something I talked about a lot here - I wrote that a few months ago but I stand by a lot of it). and those anxieties really came out this ep because Owen keeps being incredibly inconstant this season. (not inconstant as in inconsistent characterisation, inconstant as in an unreliable character)

something I mentioned in some of my tags yesterday (and that I want to really dive into more specifically at some point) was the emotional labour that I suspect TK has had to shoulder in order to maintain their relationship. Owen has been this consistently absent figure, so TK has worked himself into Owen’s work life to be physically close to him, but Owen’s emotional distance has meant TK has taken up the emotional work too in order to maintain their relationship, and that has kind of allowed them both to pretend to themselves that they have a good relationship, with much more of the strain of maintaining that facade falling on TK.

Loving your kid isn’t enough- you actually have to actively try to be a good parent.

everything you said here. absolutely. loving someone does not equal having a healthy relationship with them, and TK and Owen definitely dont have that. TK is evidently so hyper aware of how much Owen has ignored him when it suits him - it kills me to see the way that comment about being a father has obviously been eating at him for weeks - and I really hate how controlling Owen gets when TK is in danger, but then is so utterly absent when TK’s in a good place, or even bitter and hostile when TK makes positive choices for himself. again, I talked about this in detail in this post - basically, Owen has major control issues and dude needs therapy.

don’t twist things around and play victim.

oh man, this shit pissed me off. like, I get that the subjects of interventions often have hostile reactions, but gaslighting Mateo after pressuring him into drinking and emotionally unloading on him? holy shit Owen, no. and making himself to be the victim of situations that have nothing to do with him, like TK becoming a paramedic or oversharing to the vet and the kid sitting on the roof. like, I understand that mental illness can lead you to taking shitty actions, but it still makes them shitty actions.

They need to circle back to this because I’m genuinely wondering what it’s gonna take for Owen to actually act like a good father.

yeah! I dont know what to think about this in the show, because knowing the way the show heroises Owen, I don’t know whether they’ll feel that they need to address it further than those pathetic apologies. that said, we’ve got Owen and this arson case next week and there does seem to be a tone that shows Owen as an idiot, and frames him as wrong for going against the rules and trying to sneak into a crime scene. if im right, then there would be scope for this to be an overall arc of Owen learning to become self aware and understand that he is not the centre of the universe. I just hope the show bothers to do that.

in the immortal words of Michelle Blake: Owen, get a therapist!

[freebooter4ever]

i’ve seen the discussion going back and forth on boundaries and sexual objectification, and i don’t have much to add to the conversation other than to say everyone is allowed to determine their OWN ‘lines�� and just because we don’t vocalize them doesn’t make them any less valid. but here’s the limits i set for my blog if anyone feels it is important for them to know (<3):

personally I consider ‘characters’ fair game for anything goes, with ‘public personas’ a little more iffy. ‘RPF’ isn’t new - it just takes on a new more accessible/visible form nowadays. i remember reading my first fic about a ‘real person’ back in my LOTR fandom days - it was a story in first person perspective about the main character meeting orlando bloom on a plane before he was ‘famous’. like a lot of these types of stories, it wasnt so much about the person as it was about the meet cute. the actor was just a convenient placeholder with a handsome face and some personality quirks thrown in to make the romance/dialogue more specific. i personally dont read much xReader fic nowadays, but mostly only cause i’m an old fart who can’t relate to the ‘you’ format. i miss the good old days when people actually created OC’s and then inserted them into things LOL. but also LOL if you think i’ve gone an entire year of quarantine without some imagined personal fantasies of joe mazzello (or steve aoki in the years before)(ramilicious can attest to this. she can also attest to most of these fantasies ending in friendship rather than anything explicit cause that’s just how i roll these days lol). the line i draw is i would never post these types of fics in a place where the subject could accidentally find them - you have to go looking for this stuff on tumblr, most fics are given explicit ratings and under read-mores. with the blacklist tags it’s pretty easy to filter things out. its even easier to add filters to ao3 searches. i am NOT going to do something like message steve aoki and say ‘yeah i watched that movie Ibiza like five times, here is my 1k fic where you’re the dj and i’m the one night stand’. but obviously people still enjoy imagining scenarios like these otherwise movies like Ibiza wouldn’t exist?

for art, i consider anything already on display up for grabs, we all know a certain person’s ass is all over the place...all you have to do is google ‘need for speed’ and rami’s name. HOWEVER, in the case of actors i personally would not draw anything more explicit than what’s already there. i’m not gonna draw full frontal nudity for rami (unless he gifts us with it in a movie, i suppose) or anyone. this is 100% a personal choice for me. 

i was a sophomore or junior in college when i volunteered as a figure drawing monitor where i’d time the nude model’s poses and help them set up the stage and lighting and such. there was this one guy in his mid forties probably, a regular who came every week, and i always thought of him fondly till one day (the day after i ran into my Hot Programming TA during dinner and later sent him an email begging him to go on a date with me because i was desperate for kissing experience)(and Hot Programming TA emailed me back within minutes saying yes) this artist guy who i saw all the time and thought i knew fairly well, decided to draw me instead of the model. which would have been fine except he drew me naked. i was NOT naked at the time, i was wearing a shirt, and a bra, and a full prairie skirt with alternating calico and floral patterns. he drew what he imagined was underneath all that. he came up to me after the figure drawing session and showed me his drawings and told me i had been ‘glowing’ and my response was to laugh it off awkwardly and get the hell out of there as soon as i gave the model their pay check. but inwardly i was thinking a) i was NOT glowing for this creepy man twice my age and b) i did NOT give him consent to sexualize my body under my clothes and then SHOW me that objectification. i never said anything to him or anything else, i continued to be the monitor, and i continued to field off creepy advances from him including multiple job offers, but when i finally realized i could just...stop..and i passed the student volunteer monitor job on to my friend naeem, i also realized that what that older male artist did was NOT ok in my book. and it was probably not something he would do while naeem was monitoring.

nowadays im working in an industry that regularly objectifies female bodies. in the past year alone i have had to deal with requests to make breasts bigger, i have been given character rigs that in addition to the usual elbow, knee, and spine joints also have ‘nipple’ joints but ONLY for the women (to make them jiggle for animation), every time i send out a female pose i get it back with notes that push it further into the sexy type of body language reserved for women (twist the spine more! sway the back more! give it ‘energy!’), i have been told to erase wrinkles and fat and pores but ONLY for the women (men you ADD pores bc realism! and manliness!) and this is all me working for a company that is actually fairly progressive in terms of sexism compared to OTHER studios.

like it or not, sexual objectification is a huge part of specifically women’s lives and how we react to that is our business. for me, turning the tables and putting men on display feels like fair’s fair. i cant stop the men from doing it, so if i want to enjoy sexualizing male bodies, damn it im gonna! like dang it, boy do i want to send steve aoki a thank you note every time he posts a video of himself doing those ice baths during the sunset golden hour bc holy shit gorgeous or working out in his gym wearing VERY little clothes, but i dont because i know what its like when someone imposes their personal fantasies on the subject. or, god, there was that time i had to unfollow nicole’s insta for a while bc i had a very explicit dream about her and realized, shit, i need to take a break and get my emotions under control before i can refollow. and god some of the stuff i see dudes sending her during her live videos on mental illness/meditation is TOTALLY gross and not something they should be confronting her with. and she’s not even ‘famous’ famous. or how some fans send their idols explicit direct messages without consent. THAT feels inappropriate to me.

a part of me feels like i shouldn’t have to defend this. men don’t. they’re even encouraged in mass media to sexualize women. but i also recognize the importance of talking about consent. the importance of recognizing that a celebrity deserves to have their boundaries respected. these are my lines in fandom. other people have different lines they won’t cross, and that’s okay to me. i block or blacklist any blogs or tags i think go over the top.

heck, even in fandom-only spaces i still try to keep my own more sexual fantasies off this blog and only in private messages with my friends and mutuals, and i feel like that might come across as unintentionally prudish or judgmental sometimes. i’m not ‘horny on main’ very often. but like...every time i reblog that particular ‘washing machine’ gif of joe mazzello am i thinking about him naked and thinking about how he’s got very loooooong feet, and ‘gee i wonder if that means /other/ things are Too Big for my tastes’ but also ‘gosh wouldnt that make a pretty picture to draw’???? hell yeah.

i dont know who is gonna actually read this essay but yolo i guess :)

[silkyomega]

Felix story third installment:

Felix knew that his body was going to change. It came part and parcel with the whole pregnancy deal, but he honestly hadn't expected it to change quite so fast or quite so drastically. 

In less than two weeks since he had found out he was pregnant, his stomach was already starting to round out. Not enough for anyone to really notice except himself or someone who knew him very well but just enough for him to catch in the mirror and sigh. 

Felix had always been thin and gangly, ever since he was a kid. His stomach had been almost concave between his hip bones for most of his life but now, much to his chagrin, there was the hint of a bump there, softening him up like fresh dough and it was only going to get bigger. 

It was hard to tell if it was from the baby or a bloat from just how sick he had been. The past week had been nightmarish with morning sickness. He was exhausted and nauseous beyond anything he had ever felt before. 

When he dared stand up, he was immediately floored with a wave of dizziness and sickness that sent him lurching to the bathroom to lose whatever water and toast he had managed to eat prior.

It was well and truly miserable. 

 "Please put me out of my misery" Felix huffed. The sweat glistening on his forehead as he emerged from the bathroom for what felt like the thousandth time that morning. 

"Has it really been that bad?"

"Worse than bad. How can people do this more than once? I've been sick 4 times today and it's not even noon" Felix flopped onto the sofa, slapping a wet towel over his face and groaning into it like a dying whale. 

"I don't know why people call it morning sickness when it's morning noon and night sickness. I swear dying would be less awful"

"Yikes. Well, at least you have your first scan this evening? That's something to look forward to? And the doctor can probably give you something for the nausea."

"Hopefully a shotgun." Felix managed to make a joke...even if laughing hurt his ribs at that very moment

"Seriously though, I need to know if this is normal. I can't take much more time out of the studio.."

Lucy hushed him immediately. 

"Don't you worry about that. I've gotten it all under control! Clients have been informed of the reschedules and they were all okay with it given the circumstances"

"Oh god...you didn't tell them do you?" Felix groaned. He was dreading the inevitable flurry of questions he was bound to get from people once the word got out.

It made his insides cringe just thinking about it. Having to explain over and over again how it was just going to be him, no there wasn't an alpha in the picture, yes, he was keeping it, no he didn't need any help…

What was worse is that he could picture every interaction and automatically know what everyone was going to say. They were going to see him as some poor unfortunate omega and whisper behind his back about how he didn't have an alpha and how he was some floozy that got into trouble.

What stung most was felix knew that they would be right..

"No, I didn't tell them the reason, I just said that you would be out for a while as you were feeling sick. Mrs Fletcher on the other hand, guessed that shit immediately. I swear that woman is some kind of witch" Lucy laughed. 

Mrs Fletcher was a regular client of their since they first set up the studio. Once a month, she would bring her Corgis, Taffy and Lola in for a photoshoot. She was an eccentric old lady but she was always lovely to deal with a paid very well for their services. 

Now that Lucy mentioned it, the last time she was in a few days before Felix found out he was pregnant, she was giving him a weird look. 

Maybe she could smell it off him, she was another omega after all and some omegas are better able to smell the little changes in pheromones better than others

"She sends her well wishes and offered to bring you soup"

"That's a lovely gesture…" Felix grimaced "But please don't mention food…"

--

Mercifully, Lucy tagged along with him to the doctors appointment. He could feel knots of nervousness in his stomach about it, it was a solid confirmation that this whole thing was really happening and it sent Felix's blood pressure through the roof. 

As hard as it had been, He hadn't smoked a single cigarette since he found out he was expecting, but he desperately wanted one sitting in the waiting room now. He could have taken someone's hand clean off if they had offered him one but he had to resist. 

He bounced his knee and folding his arms tight across himself, chewing some gum and tryed to focus on anything else than the upcoming discomfort. 

It was a natural part for any omega to have internal check ups, but Felix always hated them and shuddered to think how many he was going to have to be subjected to throughout the remainder of his pregnancy. Having strangers poking and prodding his bits were not high in his list of favorite things... despite the obvious irony of exactly that landing him in this situation in the first place.  

There were a few other expectant parents in the waiting room with them. they all looked so happy with their partners, excited and hopeful about their little bundles of joy on the way...it made Felix's heart pang until Lucy touched his hand.

"You okay?" Lucy asked concerned, her eyebrows furrowed. Felix had obviously been pulling one of his overthinking faces.

Felix nodded weakly "yeah. I just feel a bit...ya know. It's a bit awkward being here"

"Try to focus on the good stuff. You'll get to see the baby for the first time, that's gotta be exciting? Right?" Lucy was really trying her best and Felix was thankful for her efforts but he doubted anything would have made him relax. 

It wasn't that Felix wasn't feeling excited, it was that he was terrified. Everything was happening so fast and so much and he had no idea if he was ready for this...The doctor had confirmed the pregnancy before but seeing it with his own two eyes, hearing it's heartbeat... was going to be a whole different ball game. 

He nearly leaped out of his skin when his name was finally called to go in.

---

The internal exam was every bit as unpleasant as Felix had expected it to be but a necessary evil considering. 

The doctor had weighed him, measured him, took his blood pressure and a urine sample before finally ushering Felix onto the examination table to start the scan. 

"Pop up on there and roll up your jumper" the doctor chirped, slapping his latex gloves. 

Felix blushed a little as he did. He really wasn't used to being so soft around the middle. Even if it was because of the baby, it didn't stop him feeling self conscious. He didn't dare think of how he was going to feel even further down the line…

"Okay, so you say you convinced around 9 weeks ago?" The doctor asked while setting up the ultrasound machine. Clicking switching and adjusting the screen. 

"Yeah, it was umm...I hadn't been…"Felix blushed even harder having to talk about it out loud "I hadn't had any relations in the six months prior or since so it's a fairly definite time frame"

The doctor nodded and thankfully didn't press for any further information. "This is going to be a bit cold" the doctor gave very little warning before he poured the conduction gel over felix's stomach. He immediately flinched and hissed as it felt more like ice than gel.

"HOLY Mother of fuck that's cold" Felix gasped loudly, making the doctor chuckle.

"That reaction never gets old and I've been doing this for nearly 15 years!" The doctor smiled broadly and pressed the wand into the base of Felix's stomach and began to move it around to find the best position. 

"Let's have a look and see if we can get a good picture of baby"

After a few moment the whooshing sounds of the ultrasounds came through. It was fast and strong but almost sounded like it had an echo to it, where it sounded ever so slightly out of sync.

After a few hums and a few more movements of the wand, digging in a little uncomfortably, the doctor let out a little "ah"

Felix furrowed his eyebrows in concern. "Ah" was very rarely a good thing to hear from a doctor. "What's wrong?" Felix could feel his heart freeze in place

"Nothing's wrong per say" The doctor turned the screen towards him. 

"But I believe we have an explanation on why you've been having such strong morning sickness. Congratulations, you're having twins"

"Im sorry... what?" Felix surely misheard him. He had to be joking. Right? 

"You can see here" the doctor pointed to the screen "Two perfectly healthy teeny tiny dots. Usually you don't see twins this early but there they are. They'll be identical too by the looks of it. Both"

Felix felt like the floor had just dropped from under him. He couldn't breath and his whole body felt numb as a panic attack hit him in full force. There they were. Two specks of white on the screen, fluttering away without a care in the world while his world felt like it has just been tossed off a cliff. 

"Oh my God. Holy shit" Felix flopped back into the table and covered his face with shaky hands. Tears rolling down his face. This cannot be happening. 

"This must be a bit of a shock..." the doctor said softly at Felix's reaction. "Do you need a minute?" He handed him some tissues. 

"I..I...tell me you're joking. This has to be a mistake right? I can't.." Felix whimpered beneath his hands. 

"I'm afraid not... Is there a father in the picture? I noticed you don't have a bond mark.." the doctor asked kindly.

Felix shook his head

"No. It's just me…"

How could he possibly raise one baby, let alone twins all by himself… it was impossible.

---

"What are you gonna do?" Lucy asked once Felix had calmed down enough to tell her the news. He had come out of the scan looking like he had seen a ghost, his eyes all puffy and sore. The poor doctor looked just as bad, patting Felix on the back and handing him an envelope of scan pictures. 

"I...I don't know. I thought maybe I could handle one baby. It was scary but manageable. Like how hard could one baby be? People do that shit all the time. But twins? I can't even begin to think about it." Felix put his head in his hands, pulling at the roots of his hair. 

"How can I keep the studio going? How the fuck can I afford this? Where am i even going to find the space!? Have you seen my place?? It's tiny! It's barely big enough for me let alone twins" Felix was getting more and more upset as he spoke. 

"You need to calm down and take some deep breaths. It will be alright. You know I got you covered in the studio and we have some new clients coming in so money should be okay. I mean, you don't have to be rich to raise a kid well, you just gotta love them and be there for them, and I know you can do that" Lucy smiled the best she could and reassured him. 

"But twins?...Jesus Christ how am I even going to manage to carry twins! I'm a fucking twig." Felix curled into a ball, folding in on himself as the anxiety drowned him

"I mean...true. but you're an omega, we're literally built for baby making. It's going to be okay. I promise!. We can come up with a game plan and work through this" 

Felix wished he had even a fraction of Lucy's optimism. 

--

As Felix lay in bed that night the reality of the situation began to settle over him like a layer of dust after a storm. 

He held his hand over his faint little bump and started to cry. 

He was terrified out of his mind but there was something in his heart that told him that as scared as he was of the vast unknown that lay before him, he knew that deep down he already loved the tiny dots inside beyond all logical explanation. 

It didn't seem real before but the memory of the little specks of life inside him on the screen just...clicked. like a piece of his heart had finally slid into place once the panic had ebbed away. 

Even if he was alone...he was going to have them and that was all that mattered.

[st-fandom-imagines]

Movie Babe

I always write the best imagines, intoxicated lmao wrote this last night, I hope you like it!! tag list- @tiger-hugger, @hannahmontanabutgayer, @macricrisis let me know if you guys want to be added to my tag list! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ Request- @im-a-rocketman asked: hello again! Can I also request a SteveXReader where the reader stops by the video store every day because she loves movies and, in order to try and impress her, Steve starts to memorize all these random facts about movies she rents. And eventually Steve works up the nerve to ask her out and they go to the premier of back to the future 2 since back to the future’s the movie she rents the most? Thank you!!

note- @im-a-rocketman and I both talked about this request, as she realized that BTTF 2 came out 4 years after the first one, so instead Steve and the reader will go see Teen Wolf that came out August 23rd 1985! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ As I walked around Family Video for the tenth time this week, I could help but look for something new, I was so tired of all the movies I would watch over and over again. I’m a bit of a movie buff, they take you away from reality, even if it’s just for a little bit, I tend to lean towards chick flicks but I have a sci-fi and horror side too. I started coming in here after the mall burnt down, the movie theater going with it and the new one not opening for another week, they were reopening the Hawk theater. I was excited to see new movies, my love for film, growing every day. I grabbed Sixteen Candles, yet again, for the hundredth time and began to walk towards the counter, my eyes softening and my heart skipping a beat as I saw Steve Harrington behind the counter, the boy who was never anything but nice and sweet to me, he was giving a girl about our age, her bag with a small smile on his face. I hoped that maybe he would sweep me off my feet like Jake did for Sam in Sixteen Candles, but those things didn’t happen in real life, the popular boys never noticed the girls that hid in plain sight…right? *Steve’s Point Of View* I sighed, sending another customer away, another girl that wasn’t the one I had my eye on. The girl that I had come to know as movie babe, well at least that is what Robin called her. I knew her regular movies, I knew she had a thing for Michael J. Fox since she has rented For Love Or Money more times that I could count. I knew that she loves when I talk to her about random little movie facts that I had learned just to impress her, and most of all, I knew she thought that I didn’t know anything about her. My eyes locked with hers as I heard someone begin to approach me at the counter. She smiled at me shyly before putting her one movie on the counter. “Sixteen Candles? Again?” I laughed making her blush as she handed me her membership card, the card that I wish had her name attached to it. “Did you know that John Hughes was inspired by Molly Ringwald before he even met her? He had seen her headshot, he wrote the movie in a weekend, all around her.” I smiled making her nod silently, a fact about the movie that made me think of her, about how she inspired me, more than any girl ever had. “Do you memorize everyone’s movie preferences?” She smirked making my knees go weak, my heart pounding, feeling like the movie tickets in my jeans were burning a hole in my leg. When I saw that Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox was the first movie that was going to be playing in the new theater, I had to get two tickets, even if she didn’t like me, I knew she wouldn’t turn down the thought of being one of the first people in Hawkins to see it. Maybe she would grow to like me, a guy can hope. “No, just yours…that wasn’t meant to sound creepy…oh god…uh, we have Back To The Future coming in soon, have you seen that yet?” I smiled, trying to change the subject as she giggled at my babbling. “Yeah, I saw in on the forth of July, I think I saw you there, with that girl Robin?” She asked making my eyes go wide at the thought of that night. “Yeah, you were covered in blood, which I thought was strange and you were in the front row, hushing the man behind you.” She continued making us both laugh at the detail that she remembered, which she was 100% right about. “Yeah, I tend to be bleeding a lot, and Robin and I are really good friends…it’s a good movie, I hope they make a second one.” I trailed off, putting her movie in a bag, signally that our transaction was almost complete. “Just friends?” She questioned with a small sound of hope in her voice, as if she has been running that question in her head for weeks. “Yeah, we don’t like each other like that, I like someone, and so does she.” I explained making her look at the bag I was handing her, before she took it out of my hand, our hands brushing slightly, making us both blush. Fuck, what is it about her that makes me so nervous? The store was dead, and it was now or never, I had to ask, the movie was in a week and I certainly didn’t want anyone else asking her. “Well, I guess I will see you around, Steve.” She went to turn away but I stopped her, rushing around the booth and standing in front of her. My heart racing at the sound of her saying my name, shit, I’m in deep. “Before you go, hum, this is going to sound weird, just bare with me?” I hoped and she nodded, silently, wanting me to continue. “I know your movie choices, I have seen all of those movies to try to understand you and if I have learned anything from any of them, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, For Love Or Money, St.Elmo’s Fire, you think you are the girl that goes unnoticed, hoping that someone will notice you, and I…I did. I bought these tickets, for us, and I hope you will go with me and I hope that you don’t think I’m some stalker, I just really like you and I want to get to know you, as more than just the movie babe.” I ranted as I handed her the tickets, not even caring if I made a complete fool of myself. She looked at the tickets in her hand before looking back up at me with a shocked expression. “Teen Wolf tickets?!” She gasped making me look at her with wide eyes, this wasn’t the answer I was expecting. “Yeah…do you want to go…with me?” I tried, hoping I got that point across and she just nodded, smiling wide at me. “Yes, I would love to go with you, I just can’t believe it! These are sold out, and you bought them with me in mind?!” She hugged me tightly, taking me by surprise but smiling and hugging her back. It was a warm hug, a tight hug, I could feel her heartbeat against mine. She pulled away after a few seconds, noticing that my hands were on her waist, blushing now more than ever. “Great, I’ll pick you up at seven?” I couldn’t believe this was all falling into place. “Sounds good, if the date goes well I’ll tell you my name, until then, just call me movie babe.” She smirked handing me back the tickets before walking towards the door, leaving me speechless, god she is amazing. “Why did the movie babe just say hi to me?” Robin asked as she walked into work, ready to start her shift, her question only making me smile, I can’t believe I have a date with the coolest girl in Hawkins. *Your Point Of View* Steve was a true gentleman all night, opened the car door for me, bought a popcorn to split, lent me his jacket when I got cold in the theater and most of all, he didn’t talk through the movie, a very important trait to have. As we walked out of the theater, the warm August air hitting us, I handed Steve back his jacket as we walked towards his car. This was all so weird, it was like it was right out of one of the movies I adore and I think Steve planned it out to be that way. “So?” Steve smiled as my heels clicked on the sidewalk, making me look down at the ground, completely in awe of this whole situation. “Really good movie, even better date.” I stated, taking his hand in mine and interlocking our fingers, taking him by surprise. “My name is (Y/N), (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” I confessed making him smile widely as we got closer to his car. “So (Y/N), can I take you on a second date?” He hoped making my heart warm at the thought. “Depends…”I began as we finally got to his car. I leaned on the drivers door so he couldn’t open it, him standing in front of me, hands in pockets with raised eyebrows. “Do you kiss on the first date?” I whispered as I got closer to him, making him swallow, hard. He had taken so many risks by confessing his feelings, it’s only right that it’s my turn. I was expecting him to babble at my forwardness but instead he just nodded, stuck by my words. “Then kiss me Harrington, if you want that second date.” I smiled just before He inter locked our lip, it was sweet, slow, a good first kiss. A first kiss right out of one of my movies, this whole night was a fairytale and I can only hope that this fairytale has a happy ending.

[wishforsomewherenew]

Answer 10 questions and tag 10 people

Tagged by: @hyuunwoo​ 💕 thank you!!

How tall are you?

5′11 and 3/4 (basically 180cm)

What color and style is your hair?

currently its an oily greasy MESS and idk but when its clean its a dirty dark blonde (with lingering pink highlights from halloween lol) and its long and pin-fucking-straight

What color are your eyes?

blue/green

Do you wear glasses?

got fancy blue screen fatigue glasses for school shit rip

Do you wear braces?

nope thank god but i do have those gross permanent wires behind my front teeth

What’s your fashion sense?

comfortably aesthetic, i just got new pants and shorts and a WHITE TSHIRT FINALLY from Uniqlo so now im going to have a comfortably faux-expensive aesthetic

Full name?

Courtney

When were you born?

March 28

Where are you from and where do you live now?

Ontario --> BC

What school do you go to?

SFU 

What kind of student are you?

One who doesn’t want to be grading ffs i just wanna do ALL OF THE THINGS except grading

Do you like school?

i’m doing a masters so i guess so lol

Favorite subject?

sociology

Favorite tv shows?

Lie to Me, unless i just want background noise then its criminal minds/NCIS

Favorite movie?

Kiki’s Delivery Service

Favorite book?

just one??? Catch-22

Favorite past time?

reading, walking/hiking, listening to music, chilling with friends cuz its becoming a past time instead of a regular thing rip

Do you have regrets?

yes and no

Dream job?

gimme that tenured life pls 

Would you ever like to be married?

maybe one day

Would you like kids?

good question

How many?

2 max

Do you like shopping?

Only when i don’t plan for it 

What countries have you visited?

USA, Britain, Wales, Italy, Austria, Korea

Scariest nightmare you have ever had?

no thanks we’re not talking about that

Any enemies?

depends on your definition of enemy lol

Any significant other?

heck no

Do you believe in miracles?

yes

How are you?

i would really prefer NOT to have to grade this weekend but otherwise im great!

Tagging @idjitchesters @picknvixx @monoismus @violenttrips @otherforthewinjena @science-bi @dibidibidrama @hobrerek 

[filthysmile]

FILTHYSMILE [ . . . ] Is an 18+   , HIGHLY SELECTIVE   ,   CANON-DIVERGENT   &   MUTUALS ONLY   portrayal   of   Francis   ❛   Frank   ❜   William Marie Morrison /   the   legion   –   adapted   from   bhvrs   dead   by   daylight   .   Manipulating    those around you under the guise of : love, the fear of loss & abandonment, killing, theft, & loyalty. heavily   headcanon   &   plot   based ,   medium/sporadic   activity–      GUTTED BY  𝔻 𝔼 𝕍 𝕆 ( 27 + ) .      affiliated   with @wiredsmile & @feralsmile & @guttedsmile

Basics – Heads up.

This blog is obviously gonna be 18+ And Heavily NSFW  It’s run by an Adult (27+) and will at many times feature adult content.  Viewer discretion is advised.   

 REGULAR SHIT 

I’m a pretty laid back dude who works night shifts and sleeps all day. Cause of this (not just the fact im fucking lazy some times) Replies can be a bit slow. 

 TAGS / CONTENT 

Several things will be heavily prevalent and talked about on this blog. Abuse, Child abuse, Drug abuse, Self Harm, Suicide, Sexual content, Killing (in graphic detail) and various other subjects all but relating to Dead by Daylight. Because of this, I Will be tagging everything to the best of my ability but if there’s a tag i may have missed or perhaps, tagged incorrectly do please let me know! I would appreciate it! Especially with NSFW and Triggering tags!

Most Tw; tags are listed in groups.Below are my most used –( Tw; Gore/Murder/Death )( Tw; Violence/Injury/Blood )( Tw; NSFW/18+/Adult Themes )( Tw; Abuse/Trauma )( Tw; Drug Abuse/Alcoholism/Drug Use)

MUTUALS / FOLLOWING BACK

Please be advised that I am HIGHLY selective. I’m only going to follow people I have an interest in rping with. Obviously with that, if I do follow you and we’re mutuals, you have full permission to spam my inbox, my DM’s and what ever you like. (My Discord is also available upon request)

I’m always happy to interact!

However – I do NOT follow for follow.  

VAGUING / CALL OUTS / BULLYING / HARASSMENT

This is more so just for my own comfort. But I won’t follow / will block people if i see them openly attacking others or just simply vaguing someone (more than once in a while).

I have nothing against you or the things you may have gone through, but seeing things like that just make me uncomfortable period. I’m just here to have fun.

And no- I don’t have to explain what it was that made me uncomfortable if I don’t feel like it. I don’t owe people answers for why I blocked them just as they don’t owe me one.

SHIPPING

I am super okay with various types of shipping. In all verses, Frank is a legal adult (18 - 19 at youngest portrayal pre fog & 21 - 22 In the fog), I write him as Demisexual and Panromantic with a main romantic focus on/with his legion. 

This doesn’t mean however that he won’t find mild romantic interest in others. But keep in due mind that absolutely NO relationships with Frank will be healthy. He is a killer, manipulator and can become extremely territorial / possessive of those he deems ‘his’. If you’re still interested in shipping (of any kind. love, hate, family, enemies, fwb ect ect) then let me know!

FRANK –

Please note that my ver. of Frank is somewhat canon divergent and heavily HeadCanon influenced. I tried to follow (what little of) the cannon story there was for his background although I did go to quite a few lengths to add detail to his life before, during and ‘after’ Ormond. As well adding to his personality and ‘ticks’.

Please respect my choices for him and DO NOT STEAL my adaptation.

That said, Please keep in mind that Frank is a Murderer, Liar, Thief, Arsonist and all around Toxic Manipulator (Gas lighter) with a desire for 'control’ over anything and everyone. (Since he has little control over himself or the life he’s had).

If you’re not okay with interacting with this type of killer. This blog may not be for you.  But that's it! Thank you for taking the time to read, I seriously appreciate it!

[shotfreed]

Get to know this loser me.

Rules: Answer 20 questions then tag 20 (give or take) followers you wanna get to know better!

Tagged by: @kitakaze-no-ryu

Name: Jade

Nickname: Cova

Height: 4′9″ and ready 2 fite

Nationality: American

Favorite Fruit: Philippine mangoes 

Favorite Season: Autumn, aesthetically. Summer is the only season my joints dont hurt all the time tho

Favorite Smell: freshly baked cookies with way too much vanilla. residual smell of long burned out too-sweet vanilla candles in a stuffy room with stale air.  

Favorite Color(s): metallic red, sage green

Favorite Animal: Siberian huskies 

Tea, Coffee, Hot Cocoa: hot cocoa? or hot water with honey. 

Average Hours of Sleep: bruh whats a regular sleep schedule sometimes its 12 hours sometimes is 20 minutes but uhhhh maybe 4-5 hours broken up over the day?? 

Dogs or Cats: Both, but i love dogs shhhh 

Dream Trip: road trip around the states and canada to meet my mutuals!!! 

When my blog was created: this blog was deleted and remade and i have no fuckin clue 

# of Followers: 126.

Random Fact: I joke about constantly dying, but i literally coughed up blood this morning, shrugged, and went about my day. 

Favorite Food: dude i just had lumpia shanghai again the other day and fell in love all over again, but cocacola. 

Favorite TV show: im not including anime bc i couldn’t decide. but i’ve also only watched game of thrones and westworld recently soooo. 

Favorite Movie: fuck man. Either of the Now You See Me’s or Rise of the Guardians. 

Favorite Vine: fffffuck me man there’s too many. there’s one that i KNOW exists but i cant ever find and it’s the fuckin hetalia theme and like marukaite chikyuu,  marukaite chikyuu,  marukaite chikyuu-- DRAW THE FUCKING CIRCLE and that was it that was the vine and i cannot for the life of me find it. 

Sexuality: ace

Gender: fluid (he/him) 

Favorite Book Series: CASTER CHRONICLES BY KAMI GARCIA AND MARGARET STOHL or WAYFARER'S SERIES BY BECKY CHAMBERS 

Favorite Video Game(s): Kingdom Hearts, FFXV, UtaPri, 

Favorite Subject: my creative writing class sophomore year was so fucking wild i still have flashbacks man

Favorite Fandom(s): im hardly really involved in any atm tbh... I have such fond memories of the haikyuu fandom though. BnHA has been good to me so far? theres certain ppl in the xv fandom who will always mean the world to me. this fandom has as well. 

Favorite Superhero: shit uhhhh how far can i stretch “superhero”?? i’ve never felt very strongly for the superhero genre lmao... to be shitty i guess I kinda like where they’re going with Bakugo from bnha. I hope they don’t diminish this, i’m still fairly early on, but I like how yes he is a single track minded hot head. but he’s also not stupid. he’s observant, he’s to a point analytical, but still very emotionally driven. I really like how easy to forget it is that bakugo is very competent and while he does run away with his gut and his emotions, he’s not a blind fool and I hope they keep that aspect of him growing rather than just diminishing him into just the angry friend-rival. 

Guys or Girls: all. fuck im ace but i am also super fuckin pan wow people. there are just so many fuckin good lookin people. wow. 

Celebrity crush: bruh Kato Kazuki can murder me and i’d say thank you. 

Last time I cried: yesterday bc i had a social exhaustion induced panic attack, snapped at my friends, felt shitty about it then had to drive in a lot of pain. 

Hair Color: sunbleached brown. 

Eye Color: Brown.

What Should I Be Doing: working lol.  Tagging: bruh steal it 

[strawberryspeachy]

K. I know alt stands for ASSITANT language teacher

But 2 things. 1) assitants fucking DO THINGS

2) the way they sell this job is like youre a teacher.

Constantly in this job i am treated like a clown.

And im gonna tag this and im probably gonna receive the same comments i get irl from rose tinted glassed ‘japanese people can do no wrong’ people

Thus far ive worked in 4 junior highs and 3 elementarys

Most of the teachers no matter where they are just seem so incompetent

Its no big deal that the teachers arent fluent in english - isnt that literally why alts are here??? So why don’t they ever take advice?!???

Im so fucking sick of being told how to speak my fucking language.

And not the ‘speak slower’ ‘speak simpler’ thats fine and ill accept criticism on my ability to communicate to people learning english as a second language. Not that.

Grammar, pronunciation, sentence structure - and what sounds natural

I hate the videos that are made for classrooms. And the fucking books

“A native speaker wrote it” - k no. Having worked here i know exactly how that went down. A japanese person wrote it, then went to either a business kiss ass ‘japan can do no wrong’ person. Or. Bullied someone into saying it was good by doing that annoying ass thing japanese people do

Where they ask the question over and over with “ok?” At the end. Cause they dont want an answer - they just wanna be told that theyre right or to do whatever they want. And they do not plan on receiving any answer besides “youre correct”

Its awkward cause ive literally been annoyed at my friend in the past for complaining about having a job where she does nothing and gets paid. Now i feel bad because i HATE going to work to sit and do nothing. But honestly - it has more to do with the fact that of all of my schools - only 1 has given me a nice place to sit.

Not a table that they store junk on and pretend to be surprised by me everytime im there like “oops sorry theres all this stuff (but like youre not a real person and we hate that youre here so just be happy we tolerate your existance and tell is your happy to have giant things all over your desk literally sticking in your face)”

Not the extra desk behind the printer that blows dust in my face as it goes off every 20 seconds

Not the desk under the aircon blowing on me/ in the corner next to the coldest window/door

Not a literal broken chair

Not a desk in the path of the class files where teachers have to constantly get to the spot directly behind me

And i was also that person thatd say ‘well if you dont like it - quit - theres plenty of people who WANT that job’

But like it fucking sucks. Cause i have experienced REALLY good teachers who actually team teach with you. I have had one school where i worked full time and got to see my students more than once a month - hence being able to actually get to know them and want them get better. I have been at a school with wonderful staff who welcome me into the school like im an actual person - not like ‘oh is today already the day we let the rat in the school to make the children smile again. Ugh.’

It fucking sucks. I linger on the hope of being able to work at a good school with good teachers full time

I cant find a better job because im a ‘beginner’ and corona

And im stuck getting treated like shit

I AM NOT a kiss ass. Never have been. It kills me to have to work with people who dont want me around

Most of the teachers i work with ARE NEVER PREPARED like wtf why??? Why dont you EVER plan ahead??? When im not prepared its because i have to wait to get instruction from you - you get to chose what you do

And they do basically nothing (not all like ive said ive worked with good teachers)

But most just

Read the book OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. The students memorize the book passages - they have no clue about the context and if you ask them the same exact question but with a different subject like “do you have any shoes” instead of “do you have any bags” theyre lost. The teacher can get them to answer by saying the exact phrase from the book - but they dont know what theyre saying or how theyre actually answering. They just have it memorized

Then some teachers will have “conversation practice” where they take those exact sentences out if the book - put them together to form an awkward ‘conversation’ and then the students just read it.

Ooohhh look at them. Having a conversation!

Play fucking bingo.... why? They dont even make the students repeat the words for pronunciation practice - why the fuck do you play bingo everyday

Sing songs. UGHHHHH yea that could be fun if these 60 year old teachers would stop forcing shit from the 1940s on the teenage students. I cant decide if music too old for 30 year olds is worse or teachers who take japanese songs that have been translated into english is - lol you fucking hate english so much you cant find ONE english song to sing??? WHY are you teaching english?! - god forbid you let the students choose

Teachers who just give the students the day date and weather....??????????? Cool. Youve managed to ensure they cant come up with the simplest of fucking English questions on their own. Do you carry around those cards to look like you do a lot at your job when you dont? Oh yea probably

Because being in a school watching teachers is the way i learned that japan values looking busy over being productive. If you look stressed and busy all day - you are better than a person who got shit done but looked relaxed.

Why do you use the recordings when i am in the class?????????????????????????????????? THATS LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU APPARENTLY HAVE ME THERE

K and like i said. I have worked with good teachers. In their classes the students are better at english (hur hur funny how that works) those teachers encourage the students to talk with me. Those teachers let the students try to come up with answers and questions on their own. Those students try and ask the teacher when they dont know how to say something to help with translation.

The shit teachers on the other hand - will jump in and stop a student who looks excited to try and trying to figure out how to say something. What does this teach them? Dont try. Just stay silent - the japanese teacher will just talk in japanese again soon - no need to try.

Jumping off that. Students who are good at english or go to juku - will dumb themselves down in classes with shitty teachers. Theyve learned its not good to know more or even nearly as much english as the teacher - pretend you dont understand. Pretends you don’t know how to say things - itll make my stupid teacher feel good. So. If i try to talk or do anything in those classes, even the students who understand will stop trying.

Speaking of just going back to japanese. WHY IS MOST OF ENGLISH CLASS IN JAPNESE???? Most of the teahers will jump at ANY chance to switch back over into japanese. English is just sprinkled into the class. Then they pretend to wonder why the students dont try and why theyre bad at english

And things ive been told in the last year

Dont ever be upset about anything ever

Lol yea just that for one

K but dont ever be upset about teachers doing ANYTHING because theyre just so GOSH DARN BUSYYYYYYYYY

Lol like intially i thought that was why ASSISTANT was in my title. I THOUGHT we were supposed to make them less busy by helping out with planning and grading and blah blah

Nope cause

‘Oh offer to help them! BUT dont be upset when they decline because theyd have to explain to you ANYTHING and.....’

So. Im a child?! I cant be trusted to do anything without proper instruction

Well yea exactly cause

“Oh! Hes probably your babysister haha! Japanese people are so nice! They usually have one teacher look out for you and help you with stuff - besides the head teacher- lol theyre kinda like your babysitter!<3”

K. So like. I need a bachelors degree for this job. Let me say again I NEEDED A COLLEGE DEGREE FOR THIS JOB. i had to move ACCROSS THE WORLD by myself. I have to ge able to fill out federal documents and find a house and pay my bills and follow foregn laws and figure out my way in a foregn country - but i need a BABYSITTER at work?!?!?!?? If im a minute late ill be docked an hours pay. If i do ANYTHING that slightly upsets ANYONE and japanese ppl are offended by EVERYTHING - i am liable for all reprucussions. But. I need a BABYSITTER.

Cant be trusted to be in a class alone (dont be offended its because your not a certified teacher) that would make sense except that YALL THROW ALTS IN WITH THE SPECIAL NEEDS STUDENTS ALL THE TIME - thats supposed to be an EXTRA certification on top of teaching. but Im too fucking stupid and untrustable to do anything with regular students alone, but because you dont like dealing with spefial needs - i can teach them alone.

You dont actually read their hw or check for correctness and most of their tests are just for fun it seems - but i cant be trusted to grade those either

You do the exact same lesson everyday and i only see each class once a month - but dont let me create any activity or lesson for them. Also dont tell me your plans until class is starting and then change it throughout the class and act surprised when idk what the fuck youre doing because you changed your mind while talking at them in japanese

Speaking of changing. I hate teachers who constantly change how they do shit. And again. Get annoyed at me when i cant follow their flow. Do i say hello first or do you? Are we even saying hello today? Am i asking how they are or are you? Are we letting them answer? Are we answering? Whose asking the day date and weather? Are we asking them for the day date and weather?? Whose saying goodbye? Are we saying goodbye? Which bingo version have you chosen today? Are they repeating the words? Yes? No? Am i saying each one twice? Do i have to spell out the fucking word today? Fast? Slow? What hell are you putting me through today

And when they ask me to take charge of an activity. But then change their mind. But then no no you go ahead please take charge. K no just kidding ill tell you and them what to do. Actually no you can keep going please be in control. K no too much english i wanna hear more japanese ill be in control - hey everyone thank the alt for doing that activity with you (me and the students look at each other visibly confused)

These teachers will ask me a question and no matter how i answer its wrong. I always answer shortly initially because... of course. But theyll tell me to GO ON!!! theyll keep doing that. So ill start answering questions with substance - then theyll cut me off - so i go back to answering shortly but NO! CONTINUE!!! im constantly caught confused exactly what they want me to say and now i barely ever tell stories to the students. I stare at the jte the whole time trying to guage by their face if i should keep talking or make it short. Its also awkward cause sometimes they jump in to translate and other times they want me to just keep talking in english with no translation. Regardless whatever way i choose is never correct and they always look at me like im an idiot

Yesterday a teacher did one of the things inhate that prompted this I WANNA WRITE ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE THIS JOB

Hes a sub. Hes supposed to do the same lessson as the other teachers. He is NEVER prepared. And he does everything bad. So when he didnt have the stuff for the activity he said he wants the students to have conversations with me. GREAT! thats what im here for! Lets do it. So then he shows them videos he has of other students talking with an alt at another school for 5 minutes. Um.... k. Then we open the book to a page of 3 example convo starters. Except. Japanese teachers dont seem to understand that the book is meant to be EXAMPLES. he says ah like this but maybe change. Good ok! I think were on the right track. Lets read these examples and get to it. Nope. He has them have the example sentences with their partner saying its good practice.

No. Its not. Theyre just reading the book and then when they finish saying

“Do you know any good restaurants around here?”

“Yes i do! Theres a curry place over there”

“oh i love curry!”

Theyre not gonna make up more at the ......

Theyre just gonna talk in japanese about other shit.

Then he says ok lets have conversations. Finally

Nope.

He has the class repeat after him together as a unit to me “do you know any good restaurants around here?”

GFFEIWBAKDHWNDGDIEBS RAGEEEE

I said ive had convos in class before may i try like before

He feigns confusion

I ask a student “what kind of food do you like?”

She says sushi

“What kind of sushi”

The students in this class were excitable and chimed in each time.

This time (as usual because they dont know the fish names in english) She begins talking with the kids around her trying to figure out what the english word is for the sushi she likes

But the teacher jumps in and shuts it all down

Because the students are just way too shy to talk in front of the class. Their english is too bad. They cant.

Its extra aggrivating because the teachers at this school range from good to decent - except him. That was a second year class. The last time i was at this school the first years had a introduction 1 on 1 test - with me. And i was to ask them a question at the end. With the other 3 teachers when i asked the question if they didnt understand. I would try saying it in another way. If they still didnt understand - i would answer my question as an example. If they still didnt understand i would give them answers like

“What tv do you like” “do you like anime?” Wait for yes or no “do you like youtube” wait for yes or no (and so on)

If they still didnt understand (very few got here) the japnese teacher would translate the question)

And. If they still didnt understand. We would give them an answer and coax them into repeating after us.

If they didnt. Then they didnt get the point for answering the question.

This teacher. Him being the 4th teacher to do this test with me. Would IMMEDIATELY translate the question if the student didnt answer quickly after me asking it once and then talk to them in japanese and tell me their answer or make one up to me with something like “oh ahah they dont know when yet. So he doesnt know. Maybe he ate breakfast before school!” And then would shoo the student away and call in the next.

^^^ and this is how most teachers are

They sit during class. They play unrelated videos. They spend half the class acting like theyre too confused about their plan to even teach the class (but if i try to do ANYTHING like talk to a student while they sit in front of the class rummaging through their folder going “うーん」 「じゃ」「じゃあー」「そして」「それから」「えーとー」 theyll instruct SOMETHING or play some recording over and over) have i mentioned how they never seem to want to talk in english or listen to students talk in english in english class?? Most of the time theyre just having aside conversations about nonsense in japanese. They read everything themselves despite me being there - in a way where they really just wannt hear themselves talk in english.

Just in general. I hate when teachers talk about me in front of me and dont tell me what the fuck theyre saying. And it’s annoying when students ask them stuff in japanese about me and then the students look at me waiting for me to respond/the teacher to translate their question- but the jte doesnt translate. Or they ask a question that im not in charge of the answer for so even though i understood the question they asked the jte i cant answer them because its not my decision and the jte doesnt wanna look like the asshole that gives them an answer they dont like so they just dont respond so that i look like the dick whose ignoring the students

They do this with regular questions too. Sometimes i hear the whole question and understand. So when the students look to me and the jte goes silent - i answer - then the jte gets all out of sorts because 1) they wanted me to look like an asshole who doesnt wanna talk to the students 2) they deemed the questions not important and didnt want it answered 3)ew! The alt knows more japanese than i thought and she knows what im doing and thats a little embarrassing also what else have i said in front of her today that she might have understand - awkward 4) oh no if students know she understands some japanese they might ask her stuff and i wont be the only means of the alt and students communicating 5) that awk silence just showed the students that i didnt plan to translate something to her and i wanted to blame her and say she doesnt wanna answer that but now i was made a liar of

These arent personal queations btw. For example a student asked why does the guy in one peice eat a lollypop in the america version instead of smoke a cigarette?

This is an incomplete liste. Just. Honestly being an ALT is draining.

I feel like im at a restaurant again just waisting my life away waiting tables.

I actually really like english so being forced to listen to people who are supposed to teach it - purposely teach it wrong and force me to use it incorrectly hurts

I hate watching people suck at their jobs....and be rewarded for sucking at their job

I hate feeling like an outsider in my workplace.

I wanna feel like a real teacher.... not a clown

I hate doing something where nothing i say, do, or feel matters.

That last one. I hate that i can be treated like shit in my workplace AND get in trouble for not thanking people FOR treating me like shit. Not just take it. Take it with a smile!!!

I try to focus on the good things... but its just so damn hard cause ther far and few between and honestly i just wanna feel like im actually an educator to my students and like i can actually be a teacher with the ones who like me and come talk to me and stuff. But its not like i have have a teacher student relationship with them - i cant be part of their school activities. I cant go to their school events. I wont be at the school with them for more than a year.

Even at good schools when the teachers like that you talk with the students - i always feel this vibe of ‘keep it superficial’ dont become an adult they would trust. Its like you can feel them watching - ready to jump in when they think the student should stop petting the stray before they get fleas

I have a lot of teachers i remember fondly. Who id talk to when i saw them even when i didnt have their class anymore. Id tell kids in grades below me that they were lucky if they got them. When i hear about things happening at the school after i leave im happy to hear they got something good. Teachers who helped me understand something better or were just nice to the obvious loser in the class or made me laugh

I wanna be one of them....

Not the police man that came into school a couple times. Or the guy with the birds. Or the nice lunch lady who let you take food when you didnt have money and pay it back the next day.

I wanna be a teacher with a name.

Or at least. Do one of the only things im actually good at

So this job is unfulfilling

[aljiwon-blog]

strap in pals, ur in for a wild ride! ..jk, no not rly, it’s just that this ended up rly long???? so uh, i don’t blame u at all if u skim. ( u can read this instead if u want! ) anyway treat this as an informal bio until i get my shit together and actually get smth up on the bio page. :^) there’s some plots/connections there on the bottom but if u wanna plot just in general, give dat heart a click. 

oH AND IM SAMMY HI NICE TO MEET U ALL ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

tw: emotional abuse ( i don’t rly get into the details - basically just mentioned it by name but tagging jic!!  )

born baek jiwon, first child of baek chanwoo and park jieun, and older sister ( by one year ) to baek junyeong

might as well be the ( nonexistent ) middle child with how terribly she’s treated

hello emotional abuse

because her and junyeong are only a year apart, there’s a lot of comparing going on

by their parents, neighbors, fellow peers.... pretty much everyone

and just her luck, junyeong’s a freakin genius

it’s not like she’s dumb at all, jiwon’s a smart gal—but next to junyeong, she might as well be a potato

but wait—sammy, you say, potatoes are actually pretty great!!

they are! potatoes are my favorite!!

papa and mama baek have no need for potatoes though :/

so growing up, jiwon has this huuuuuuge inferiority complex

and the fact that junyeong is treated like he’s the eldest ( and only child ) just rubs more salt into the wound

was under junyeong’s shadow her entire time at youngkang 

that’s right, he was accepted to youngkang a year early because he was just. that. good.

there were only two kinds of people at youngkang as far as jiwon was concerned: those that knew they were related and those that didn’t

somehow, there was a good number of people that managed to graduate without knowing

that’s how little they interacted in public 

involved in volleyball, and the science and baking clubs during her time in youngkang

was pretty much a bench warmer for the volleyball team the entire time, and hardly played in any official matches

her position was ( alternate ) libero 

was in the baking club because she liked it and was good at home ec

was in the science club because she was terrible in stem ( that is, compared to the other students in youngkang; when really, she was just average and a slow learner ) and wanted to get better at it

got a lot of flack from her parents for “not being good at anything useful” 

so through a combination of wanting to live up to her parents’ expectations + just pure pettiness, stem went from being jiwon’s worst subjects to one of her best

surprise surprise, it still wasn’t enough but you know,,,, small victories

kept to herself for the most part and graduated ( mostly friendless ) wanting to get as far away from her family as possible

would’ve gone abroad if it weren’t for the money

so anyway jiwon ends up going to kaist for her bachelor’s in chemistry and cuts off all contact with her parents and brother

and for the first time in her life, home girl feels f r e e

she doesn’t become a socialite or anything like that, but she’s bowing her head less, smiling more—just generally a lot more content than before

what doesn’t change though is her workaholic tendencies 

the inferiority complex is still there too

has no time for dating ( lol what’s that ) and just barely makes enough time for like, the 2 irl friends she has

but, hey, its #progress

planned to never set foot in seoul because that’s where junyeong studied, but ( begrudgingly ) moves to there for grad school at the recommendation of one of her professors

what ends up convincing her is that the professor gets her in contact with a colleague at sungkyunkwan that’s done some research in the field she’s interested in

and so she moves to seoul after putting it off for so long

but not before legally changing her name to moon jiwon and dyeing her hair

she. does. not. want. to. be. recognized.

shortly after moving, jiwon lands a job as a bartender to help pay the bills

and ends up actually really liking it

combines her two loves: chemistry and cooking ( er sort of )

as for where she is currently? well she’s this close to receiving her degree and hasn’t slept in like over a month

pls save her 

plots!!!!

a fellow club member 

volleyball: teammate/manager/etc.

science club: someone that tutored her ( preferably an upperclassman ) 

baking club: lunch buddies maybe??

someone who was friends with junyeong and knew they were siblings

someone who was friends with junyeong and didn’t know they were siblings

a regular at the bar she works at 

you order the most complicated drinks and she likes the challenge

you order the same thing, on the same time, on the same day(s) and one day you come in, and your drink is already there waiting for you at your spot

someone tried to drug your drink and she put a stop to it

?????

anything and eveRYTHING GOES LETS PLOT

[fagpulp]

Extensive list of questions

Tagged by - @somethingscarlet13

gender - Nonbinary atm (May be Trans Boy???)

sexuality - pansexual

name - Morty

age - 19

where do you live - Mississippi

still living at home - yes

in a relationship - yes

can you drive - yes

been in a relationship - yes

had sex - yes

given/received oral - no and dont rlly want to

how tall are you - 5′4

weight - Big

body type - stocky? 

skin colour - white

race - white

where were you born - MS

finished school - high school only

got a job - Movie theatre

had a job - yes

looking for a job - yes (looking for a better one)

dream career - Storyboarder

want to travel - yeah

last thing you ate - Fish sticks and fries

what are you wearing - cute ass dog boxers

favourite tv show - In The Flesh or Ajin

favourite movie - Zootopia

last place you visited - Town

have kids - no

want kids - fuck no

have pets - yeah

know who your parents are - yes

have siblings - yes

marvel or dc - not big into heroes

favourite villain - u h

favourite hero - u  h

what console for gaming do you prefer - Xbox

been out clubbing yet - no

smoke on a regular basis - no

have smoked - yes

done drugs other than weed - no

smoked weed - no

gotten drunk - no

vomited - no

passed out - no

stayed up more than one night - yes

traveled within your own country - yes

travelled overseas - no

best memory - Cant remember shit

worst memory - uuuuuh

lost someone you held dearly - yes

been to a funeral - yes

attending university or college - I did. not anymore

living by yourself - no

opinion on feminism - everyone should be one!

opinion of fedoras - no

my little pony fan - yeah. respect it and used to watch it

anime fan - yes

western comic books fan - yeah

what type of plants do you like the most - Succulents

what age gap are you okay with - Over 18 then the rest is up to them

whats your favourite season - Spring

star sign - Pisces

hurt yourself on purpose - yes

favourite band - Nsp

play an instrument - no

how long have you been on tumblr - idk

how many blogs do you have - 2

watch porn - yes

masturbate - yes

watch kids cartoons - yes

like your name - yes

been in a car crash - yeah

broken a bone - no

been to hospital - yes

had teeth out - yes

had appendix out - no

mental disorders - yes

been diagnosed - yes

had homicidal thoughts - no. more suicidal.

are you a godparent - no

how many siblings if any - 3

favourite drink - Anything caffeinated 

favourite restaurant - anywhere we go

cats or dogs - cats

favourite word - goddamn

introvert or extrovert - introvert

opinion on gay rights - Am gay

ever had gay sex - yeah

want to have gay sex - yes

been to a gay bar - no

been forced into sex - no

forced another person into sex - no

been catcalled - no

eye colour - brown

kfc, mcdonalds, burger king, subway, dominos, nandos, or wendys - dominos

had sex to get something - no

been out of the country more than once - no

what kinds of grades do you get - had bad grades

good relationships with classmates - no

least favourite movie - the Boss Baby

nickleback?????? - no

favourite game - JaknDaxter

favourite colour - Pink

bdsm - no

have free tv or pay for tv - free

tattoos - no

want tattoos - yes

give money to charities - if i had money i would

facial hair - no but i want it

cartoon scoobydoo or liveaction scoobydoo - cartoon

opinion on drugs - helps me idk

religion - Atheist

favourite meme - mmm whatcha say

favourite shrek movie - number 2 is the only good shrek movie

many friends or a few best friends - like 4 best friends/ friends

lower class, middle class or upperclass - middle to lower 

how would you like to die - Anything quick

ever tried to commit suicide - no but was close

shave - yes

prefer your sexual partner to shave down there or - i dont rlly care

any piercings - used to be on my ears

been on a cruise - no

favourite disney movie - Zootopia or Lilo and stich

gotten drunk by yourself - no

favourite scary movie - the borderlands

failed a class on purpose - sorta

gotten in a physical fight  - yeah

gotten in a verbal fight - yeah

run away from home for more than a week - no

are your parents still together - yeah (also no cause my original dad is rlly fuckin dead yo

perfect place to live - a cheap place w others

if you could meet one person from history who would it be -  Atticus actor from How To Kill a Mockingbird

favourite starter pokemon type - whichever looks the nicest. so far water

been in a moshpit - no

done something illegal - yes

been to jail - no

bought illicit substances - no

would have a threesome - no 

listening to music, if so what - Evelyn,Evelyn

are you in a band - no

any friends in a band - no

go to the gym - no

console games or arcade video games - both r cool

hot or cold - hot

current emotional state - Calm

have scars - yes

if you could be an animal what would it be - dragon

what kind of animal do you think you most relate to - cat

if you could live forever would you - Probably not

is global warming real - yeah

best subject - English

worst personal quality - Will sometimes suddenly go completely blank

if you had one wish what would it be - Great Artist w a good job

if you received 1,000,000 $$ what would you do with it - Donate to a bunch of patreons and buy some good shit

the regular show or adventure time - Adventure time

worst fear - being abandoned (I.dont even have to retype some o these)

favourite sport - Cant get into sport

like to go to the beach - no

prefer to listen or have people listen to you - Both r nice

were you the ‘horse kid’ in primary school - no

most memorable show from your childhood - Ed Edd Eddy

good relationship with your parents - eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh

on a diet - no

last book read - man idk

are you a jealous person - Depends

have anything your really proud of - i animated 

who do you love - Jasper

had your heart broken - not rlly

broken someone else’s heart - i don’t know 

like frozen - no

preferred gender - mmmm have flesh

want to get married - yes

want to settle down eventually or travel your life - Settle down

have nice voice - dont think so

find swearing offensive - no

think tattoos are unprofessional - no

tend to procrastinate a lot - yeah

halloween or christmas - i mean theyre both okay

if you could live in another universe (show/movie/comic/etc) what would it be - ATLA

believe in the supernatural - yes

weed or alcohol - idk

messy or clean - organized chaos

big night out or a cute night in - depends who im with

best joke - jokes that dont even seem like jokes

met a celebrity - no

every prank called someone - yes

have a set of keys - car keys

have a bank account - no

okay with all things gory - sorta

more into the commercial music or undiscovered music - both

met a band - no

good at math - no

tried to pick up someone before - no

had someone try to pick you up before - yes

opinions on other kin - live however u want love u

answered all of this truthfully? - yeah i think

[sanaseva-archive]

i read ur tag about how people don't read ur evak headcanons but im new here and would love the shit out of them

sorry this took ages because it’s a lot to collect from a lot of places, but like. it’s not that they don’t read them. it’s that when i tell them they tell me to stop (probably bc it’s emotionalé :P)

but i usually send headcanons to sunny, anki and faiza!!! (and a couple of others on twitter but that was between seasons mostly lol)

read under break!!

1. pianist!isak

when isak was younger, he played the piano. he took classes, he understood the instrument, he felt the music flowing through his fingers and into the air, an echo from his very soul. he could switch it up and he could make a happy song sad.

then, people started to comment on how gay it all was. he started to panic and put the piano lid down, never to touch it again.

his father moved out, brought the piano with him, and isak never really cared. he could skateboard instead, hang out with jonas and play video games instead. jonas tried to ask once, “what’s up with you never playing the piano anymore?” but isak shuts him down easily with “it’s boring and i hate it”. they never touch on the subject again.

years later, when even and isak are out travelling, isak finds a public piano. he gravitates too it and even says something about “no, let it be, it’s not a toy, love,” but isak doesn’t care-- doesn’t listen. he hasn’t touched a piano since-- well-- since he stopped playing. he has, however, missed the piano so much. he missed the control he had. god knows he can’t sing to save his own life, but the piano? that’s something he can do.

he goes there, and does the thing, leaving even and the crowd speechless. who could’ve guessed, that the young man in trainers and snapback could do that?

even shines with pride, he hugs isak tightly when he’s finished and kisses him, and tells everyone to “look at my boyfriend!!! isn’t he fantastic? amazing? absolutely perfect?”

2. even + the balloon squad, growing up

okay so, this one was with faiza. remember the handshake in the hei briskeby video?

even was there when it became a thing. he was there for a long time. they knew each other for a long time, in fact.

so i couldn’t stop thinking about all !! the !! events !! they have shared, all the things they remember doing together, all the things they grew up doing together. such as:

at the bakkoush' it was not uncommon for many years to see the boys pretend wrestling and hugging and racing the house. when the boys were really small they used to run outside on various branches pretending to play quidditch and even could recite his favourite parts by heart and mikael too

about painting nails

imagine even and mikael and yousef painting their nails together for the first time and they spill probably on sana's favourite shirt and they're super sorry and sana is like UGH YOU CAN'T EVEN PAINT YOUR NAILS PROPERLY ALRIGHT LET ME DO IT SO YOU DON'T SPILL IT ALL OVER THE PLACE and they're like YES PLEASE SANA HELP US

faiza added:

SHE WOULD HELP THEM DO IT LIKE LOOK BOYS "THIS IS THE TRICK"

i continued

and then they can't stop showing elias and mutasim and mama and papa bakkoush their nails and they keep complimenting sana's skills like "we ruined her shirt" "were so sorry :(" "but she helped us with the nails and LOOK LOOK!!!" and mutasim is probably like "looking good bros" and mama bakkoush goes "very nice boys, ooo look at that colour even!! it really brings out your eyes" and even literally shines up and sana is like ughhhhh these boys can't do shit

about biking

imagine them biking and racing each other and then like. elias falls and scrapes his knees and it Really Hurts and the boys are like oh No and try to help him and they get Elias back home and nobody's home and Yousef is like. "Well, first we need to clean it" and Elias tries to Be Cool but his eyes sting when they help cleaning the cuts and Sana comes home and Elias is crying in the bathroom with all the boys, Muta probably tries to calm the situation but Sana is like WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER and they're like "no no he fell when we were biking" and Sana puffs out some air and takes the charge and she calls their dad to get help over the phone and then they help Elias to his bed to lie down and they're all So Concerned but by the next week they're at it again, biking down the streets because it's what they do 

If they were really young when they met imagine them learning how to bike 😭😭😭 

about harry potter nerding

(imagine that, a preteen even is sitting on his bed, his legs crossed and he tries to do magic like they do in harry potter, and he tries to magically make sure his friends are okay before he goes to bed every night, and later, when he doesn't understand why he's starting to loose interest in things and feel endlessly sad all the time, he puts a hand to his heart and whispers lumos, because once, when he was crying because someone had been mean to him, mikael tried to cheer him up by putting his hand on even's heart and said lumos with a small smile, saying that now his heart should feel lightened)

faiza added:

all the boys having / a harry potter marathon / though /those are what nights are made for

i continued:

And Even and Mikael battling about who knows the most trivia / Yousef is always the one butting in about "but that's not how it is in the books" but even just laughs and says "its a movie, they can't have everything in it" and mikael just nods enthusiastically and they both sigh and blows out a wish about how they want to be a director one day 

3. random evak headcanons

i sent this to anki, for example:

imagine when they're like 30, even blows out a sigh in the car and wishfully says something about wishing to have a motorcycle and just,,, couple of months later, isak has bought him a motorcycle and (if the license for motorcycle doesn't come with the regular driving license as it used to in Sweden in like the seventies or smth) he takes the license with even, and then they go on a trip somewhere ;nnnn;

and we’ve talked about isak’s sleeping problems too. here’s the convo:

me:

okay, but like. i can't fall asleep. so im thinking about isak not being able to fall asleep. and that makes me just Upset

anki: 

it's gotten a lot better now that he gets to sleep next to even every night. but sometimes, the thoughts still creep up on him, making it impossible for him to fall asleep and then he tosses and turns around in bed, kicking the bed linen off himself, then covers himself up again because he freezes and even wakes up from it, whispers a "can't sleep?" all groggy and isak nods, cuddles closer to even and takes a breath. one, two, three, four. tries to calm himself down. even's hands hold isak's, firmly but soft. "i'm here"  even whispers and isak breathes out again. one two three four

anki: 

and even doesn't force isak to tell him all his thoughts, if isak wanted to he'd tell him, and that makes isak calm down even more, he's getting a lil sleepier still not sleepy enough to actually fall asleep but at least he's napping a little

me:

even notices the difference immediately. isak's response time slows down, his words get bundled together before they leave his mouth, his gaze is glassy and far-away, and sometimes, it feels like he's speaking to a ghost.

even tries to do a lot of things for isak. but he knows this isn't something he just can't. fix. much like how isak can't fix /him/. but that doesn't mean he doesn't try.

he lets isak rest against his chest because the even's heartbeats makes it easier for isak to find some peace.

he lets isak gaze off mid-conversation, and easily gets him back to track when isak blinks a couple of times to find himself in the present.

he helps isak find someone to talk to-- a professional-- and he hates to see how it doesn't get any better. it's not that it's getting worse per se, but isak feels a lot worse (which makes even feel much worse) because he got his hopes up. instead he's just. a walking zombie sometimes.

one day on the weekend, even wakes up to isak softly snoring. he rolls off the bed, gently, to make some breakfast. and when he gets back to their bedroom, he can see the absolute terror in isak's eyes.

"what's wrong" he asks, and he's starting to panic.

it takes a while-- most of this part of the memory is locked behind a door in even's mind, but later when isak comes back from another doctor's appointment, he learns that it's called sleep paralysis.

"i saw monsters," isak tells him quietly, and even can see isak's hand shaking a little. "i thought i was going to die."

even doesn't know what to say. he recognises the feeling-- from the monster inside his own head that sometimes visits him and overstays its welcome. when he wakes up one day, feeling the depression slowly dissipate, he tends to think, "i thought i was going to die" too.

he holds isak tightly instead, and doesn't really say anything. but isak hugs him back tighter (but much weaker than he would've a month ago) and he knows that they'll get through this. 

and i’ve talked to both anki and sunny about pokémon go and the boy sqad so...

since even is a '97 there's no reason for him not to be completely hyped up about pokemon go. like. magnus is like lowkey, jonas is probably more with even on this and mahdi and isak are like ?? but even and jonas definitely drags them all around oslo, trying to catch the fucking digital creatures and nearly screams when a Rare appears on their nearby list.

guess who gasped when gen2 was released? even. 

guess who groaned? isak.

but it's actually quite useful, isak finds, for when even is getting restless and can't sleep. isak suggests, "let's see if there's any new pokémon, shall we?" and out they go. for half an hour, an hour-- maybe two hours late at night, just strolling and trying to get them. when they get back home, even finally manages to fall asleep, and isak is holding him tightly, muttering about "guess im not the only nerd in this relationship," before he too falls asleep.

what they’re scared of:

what even is scared of:

being alone for too long, being left, being lost at an unfamiliar place, breaking something he's gotten as a gift, forgetting important dates, losing someone he loves, baring his soul, of himself when something feels Wrong but still not really wrong at all, making mistakes

what isak is scared of:

being left, dark and small spaces, getting bad grades, Weird Insects™, hurting someone he cares about,

(spiders especially:

me: so i totally think isak would be scared of spiders and literally shriek when he sees one this summer and jumps up on a chair calling for even to come save him and even is like..... mate It's our roommate Bengt or smth

And isak is like no take it outside!!!! and then when Bengt has been let out to live its spidery life even just gently teases isak a little and isak is like no this didn't happen idk what you're talking about WHERE'S YOUR PROOF 

anki: "I'm the master of liking spiders. they're so very...... nice"

me: "especially their..... legs?"

anki: "they have like....... eight legs don't you think that's......................... A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH"

me: "a little bit too much" is definitely said with a squeak)

and

whatever you do absolutely do not think about the squads having a movie night at evak's place and isak falls asleep on even's shoulder, and even lets him sleep there for a while, even though he notices how isak starts to drool all over him, and when the movie is over the squads fall quiet because-- wow isak really is the softest boy around even???? and even just gestures them to be quiet and carries isak over to their bed and isak wakes up a bit, asking if the movie is over and if it was any good and he's sorry he fell asleep and please tell everyone good night from me and that i love my friends

and even does that, and when he comes back to bed isak is fast asleep again and he was honestly just going to lie close to isak for a while before cleaning up the plates and bowls for snacks they've used but he falls asleep to, holding isak closely and hearing his boy's deep breathing.

when he wakes up, in the middle of the night however, isak has managed to turn the tables and he's being held by isak again. he doesn't mind, even if isak has started drooling on his neck again

about even’s first movie being about isak:

me:

do you ever think abt even making his first movie and it isn't directly about isak but it's about his /love/ for isak and when isak watches it for the first time he is a sobbing mess

anki:

also the credits just begin with "for you" without putting a name in there and isak just SOBS AND SOBS AND SOBS

evak + snowboarding

next winter even definitely takes isak out for some snowboarding but isak is definitely hopeless at it and isak can be heard muttering about "is it even normal to want to be this high up on a fucking mountain and wanting to race down this shit on a fucking snowboard"

u know when u eaten spicy food and u wake up feeling hangover the next day? (i don’t but my apparently this is a thing lmao)

one day even makes the food too spicy but isak really wants to prove him he's Tough(TM) and eats it all and tries not to complain or show he's suffering and the next day isak wakes up feeling like he's hungover because there was so much salt and seasoning and shit that his body is like. mate. water pls.even laughs as he hands isak a waterbottle.

this summer evak moment we won’t see:

one day this summer, even will wake isak up at like 9am and be like "we're going to the beach today yes we aaaaree" and isak is like, tiredly, "we are?" and even is like YEP GET UP YOU LAZY BOY and the breakfast is in the table for isak when he has finally managed to roll out of bed and when he enters the kitchen isak opens the freezer bc "it's too hot even I can't live like this" and even closes the freezer bc "we have food in there isak, please" and then they get to the beach and isak rolls out the blanket or the towel and literally slumps down and falls asleep again, only to wake up to even touches his legs with.... something??? and isak squeaks "what are you DOING" and even stops for a second before he says "you need sun protection my pale boy, or do you want to turn into Donald trump?"

and then even plays some music on his phone, probably nas bc why not, and then isak wakes up again and is like "I need water NOW im BURNING" and they race into the water laughing and tripping and then they probably kiss in the water and isak challenges even into another hold your breath under the water competition and isak is so so grumpy that he never wins that shit 

like there’s a lot? of shit i’ve shared? like ?? i can’t go through everything im sorry ;n;

this is a fkn mess, im so so so so sorry

and i’ve shared tonnes of headcanons with sunny amongst others, like. it’s impossible to mention all of them rip

also this is super not in order we’ve spoken about them?? and they’re like. sometimes in swedish and sometimes in english it’s? a mess honestly? and like. all of the above is basicaly copy paste bc im too lazy trying to make sense hahhahaa sorr,y

[3ndoftheline]

Touch

Bucky x OFC

Summary: Can you ground someone who doesn’t do anything?

Warnings: language (as usual LMAO)

Word Count: 8.1k (literally can’t control myself im soRRY)

Author’s Note: here it is!!! (finally) part two of touch for all of you lovely people. i watched beauty and the beast last night and i was just so happy and came home and just banged out the rest of this so i hope you all enjoy. also tag list is at the bottom and if anyone would like to be added just shoot me a message! feedback is appreciated greatly xx

“You’re grounded.”

I blinked in shock. About a million reactions ran through my system before I chose the most professional one. I laughed. “That’s the first thing you say to me?” I snickered as I stared at an amused yet affronted Tony, an annoyed Natasha and a fuming Steve. “I’m not a child, Tony. You can’t…ground me.”

“Well, I can’t fire you, can I?” Tony shot back and I realized very quickly that although his initial response was comical, nothing about their reactions were comical. I was in deep shit and I knew it.

“I mean, you can–”

“��and he should,” Steve growled and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes.

“As much as I’d love to,” Tony shot me a hard look, “we need you.”

“Do we at least get to compromise on my inevitable form of punishment?” I cut in, waving my hand to regain attention.

“Depends on what you’ve got.” Steve folded his arms over his chest but I didn’t miss how his eyes flickered over to Bucky.

I sighed and tapped my fingers against the back of the tablet as I struggled to form my thoughts together. “Carol Raulson – the computer engineer, isn’t real. She doesn’t exist.”

“That’s fantastic,” Natasha mumbled sarcastically and I resisted the urge to throw a few choice words her way. Instead, I took a deep breath and forced myself to stay on track.

“Her real name is Jolene Kaplan. I think so, anyways. It’s the only logical explanation. I don’t know anything about her since I haven’t had time to run an extensive search but I do know that Jolene was Bucky’s target. Whether it was for a hit, a kidnapping, whatever the motive was behind it, she was the target. My guess was Hydra was planning to attack while she left the building or in the transition from her handlers inside the engineering firm to DCGSE. It wasn’t specified fully what the assassin’s purpose was or why they were even running the mission. Bucky doesn’t really remember any specifics from the mission, either. He said he was in the middle of briefing when everything went to hell, or whatever the fuck happened. Kotevsky, the Russian, is also someone he remembers. Not much, but he remembers him from somewhere cold. I’m taking a wild guess that Kotevsky may have been around during Bucky’s time with the Soviets but I don’t know. I won’t know for certain for a while.” All of the words came out in a rush as I attempted to get all of the information out while being as convincing as possible. When I finished, I was panting slightly.

There was a stretch of silence as they glanced at my face, then Bucky’s, then at each other before Tony finally broke the quiet. “How long will you need?”

“Well…” I stalled as I pondered how to broach the touchy subject. While I hesitated, a low and throaty sound pulled my attention away for a second. All four of our heads turned to see Bucky glaring at me with such fervor I was surprised I didn’t melt into a puddle right there. I rolled my eyes at him as I turned back to my audience. “In order for me to really make any sort of headway with this, I need to–”

“No,” Bucky suddenly snarled and I whirled on him with a deadly glare.

“Honestly, this doesn’t concern you. So if you could let me speak without rudely interrupting me, I’d greatly appreciate it.” Bucky glowered at me, his entire body stiff and wound tight. But I didn’t care. If information was wanted, it had to be done.

“What the hell is going on?” Natasha snapped, obviously not pleased to be kept in the dark the way she was. I shot a warning glare to Bucky as I turned back to the three of them, all in varying degrees of confusion and bewilderment.

“I can find information on Kotevsky and Jolene via the regular channels but it might not be enough. I want, no need, to get a hold of the mission files for the Winter Soldier and–”

“No,” Tony interrupted, “absolutely not.”

My jaw dropped. “But, you don’t understand–”

“Are you out of your mind?” Natasha hissed, suddenly catching on too.

“Yes, but I don’t see how that matters–”

“What are you talking about, Tony?” Steve cut in, throwing me a stern look as I began to protest louder.

“In order to get to the Winter Soldier mission files, darling Hannah here needs to infiltrate a Hydra base and–”

“Absolutely not.” Steve wheeled to face me with a heavy scowl etched on his face. I opened my mouth to argue but he didn’t let me. “Hannah if you think for one second I’m going to let you go on a mission all by yourself to a Hydra base you’re out of your mind.”

“I won’t be alone,” I shot back. “I’ll take someone with me. Natasha can go.”

“No I won’t,” Natasha deadpanned and I glared at her. Some friend, I thought to myself.

“You are not sacrificing other people for this…this suicide mission.” I could tell he was trying his absolute hardest not to yell at me but it seemed with each word he was getting closer and closer to failing at that. “Goddammit Hannah, you’re smarter than this.”

“Honest to God, can we please relax,” I interrupted with a sigh. “It was just an idea, okay? Obviously I was going to run it by you first. I’m just laying out my options here.”

“No it’s not,” a voice piped up behind me. When I turned around Bucky’s eyes were on me as he muttered out the words that I was pretty sure would end my life. “She was planning to go on the mission with no mission plan, whether you agreed or not.”

“No mission plan?” Steve all but screeched as my jaw dropped.

“You mother–” I didn’t have a chance to finish my sentence before Steve absolutely unloaded on me.

“What the hell is a matter with you? Do you have no care for your own safety at all? Or the fact that this is Hydra here? This isn’t something you do behind a computer screen, Hannah. This is real, this is real life and you’re treating it like some sort of joke. Do you even understand the repercussions? Do you understand what would happen to you if you were captured?”

“I wasn’t even going to do it!” I protested. Total lie. It was such a bad lie I had trouble executing it. I justified myself but saying that if I didn’t lie, Steve would’ve keeled over from a heart attack. “I swear, I was just throwing ideas around that’s it. Jesus, Steve. A little more trust in me, please? I may be reckless but I’m not stupid.”

“I don’t care,” Steve seethed. “You are not to leave this compound, do you understand me? Not unless one of us are with you and it’s cleared by me first. I’m not kidding around with this, Hannah. Whatever this information is, we will find it some other way.”

“Okay,” I acquiesced with a nod of my head. Steve released a breath as he stared at me with hard eyes. “I swear Steve; I’ll stay inside the compound.”

He seemed to accept that as his shoulders relaxed a bit and he nodded. “Good,” he responded gruffly. “Now, go. Get to work. You said we had twelve hours, right?”

I nodded as Tony stepped up with a light touch to my shoulder. “C’mon, kid. We better get started now.” He flashed me an encouraging smile. He had been on the other end of Steve’s temper tantrums too many times so I knew he would be the safest person to go with. I bit my lip and kept my head down as I passed around Steve and Natasha. As soon as I was behind their backs, I whipped my head up and gave Bucky the most murderous glare I could muster. His eyes were on me and there wasn’t a single shred of remorse or apology in his gaze. In fact, he looked a little smug. I snarled quietly before Tony’s voice broke my stare.

“Your lab or mine?” He grinned. He already knew the answer. Nobody went into my lab except for me. No exception.

“Yours.” I answered stiffly. I tried to control my anger but it was taking everything to not turn around and give Bucky a piece of my mind. He had the audacity to call me untrustworthy? What a fucking hypocrite. God, if I ever saw that two-faced bastard again I’d–

“Hey,” Tony’s voice broke my thoughts as I suddenly realized we were already in the elevator. “You alright?”

“Yeah, of course.” I lied straight through my teeth as I flashed him a smile. “Sorry, just thinking about where to start.”

“How about those phone calls? I want to hear this politician’s voice when he isn’t sniveling like a little kid.”

I snorted as I leaned back against the elevator. But when I shut my eyes, all I saw was Bucky’s smug face.

***

“Motherfucker,” I swore as I stared at my five computer monitors. Series of texts ran through on the screen, all blinking with keywords that made no fucking sense.

I had managed to uncover all of the deleted calls and scrubbed audio files between the politician and Kotevsky. Deciphering them was pretty easy too, but all of a sudden the bastards decided to use their brains and started speaking in code. I was in the process of trying to decipher their secret language and had gotten nowhere. I had four hours left until this supposed drop somewhere and I was about as close as I was eight hours ago.

Wedding.

Gift.

Reception.

Bride.

Groom.

It all would sound like a normal conversation if you were to hear it on the street or in a café. But in the world of espionage and terrorism, this was anything but an innocent conversation.

The wedding, I had deduced so wonderfully, was hopefully the main event with the reception possibly being a rendezvous point afterwards while the gift was perhaps whatever the politician was selling. The bride and groom were what I assumed were codenames for the politician and Kotevsky. Again, there were no facts. Only theory. And that was about as far as I got with that.

I had lasted about ten minutes in Tony’s lab before his horrific need to constantly fill the silence with some sort of irrelevant comment and his horrible messiness forced me out. I tasked him with working on the identity of Kaplan and if there was any connection with Raulson while digging deeper into Kotevsky. I figured that would be more difficult but turns out I was so wrong I embarrassed myself.

Now, I was stuck staring into a sea of code and secret language that looked so goddamn appealing on TV shows but the second it presented itself in real life I questioned every decision that led me to be in my position. I banged my head against the table as I began muttering to myself, sounding certifiably crazy but hey, might as well play the part.

“Wedding…wedding, who the fuck wants to go to a wedding?” Kotevsky and the politician I told myself bitterly and groaned. “Okay, okay,” I muttered to myself with a deep, cleansing breath that sort of sounded like I suffered from whooping cough. “Think. The wedding…what type of wedding?” The politician was fancy and flashy. Even when he was selling secrets, he set the drop at a fancy hotel with all eyes on him and a pretty girl on his arm. He had an expensive taste that was obvious with his financial records. I mean, who spent 500k on a single fucking fountain pen? He used his wealth and riches to show off and intimidate his competition and colleagues – though I wasn’t too sure how intimidating a fountain pen was but hey what the hell did I know. “Someplace fancy, someplace new.”

But I knew Kotevsky wasn’t a pushover. While he had played into the politician’s hand, he still had control. He had the money, he was the payday. And while the politician threw around that he had other buyers lining up, I was sure Kotevsky doubted that. Politicians lie, especially one as slimy as this one. He’s make a compromise, some way that he’d have the advantage. “Home field advantage,” I mumbled. Anyone was more comfortable on their home turf and with a deal like this, I had a feeling that’s exactly what Kotevsky would want.

Tony had managed to figure out that Kotevsky was in fact Russian, but the rest of his files were heavily encrypted. He and FRIDAY were still working on trying to decrypt it. I felt a zip of excitement down my spine. I was close, I could feel it. My fingers typed furiously as I tried to figure out where there was going to be some sort of grand opening of someplace rich and fancy as all hell. I knew the politician – whose name was John Arnold Smith, how much more boring white politician who fucks anything that breathes because his wife is more of a business relationship rather than a bond of true love and chooses to betray his country because apparently his boring, white, rich life isn’t exciting enough – would want something fancy. A statement. Whatever this deal was, it was worth a billion cash. It would establish him; it would make him a well-known figure in the legal and most definitely the illegal world.

A dozen popped up in the Moscow area and I was able to narrow it down to three. An art gala for some stuffy French-Italian artist who swore God spoke to him through the splatters of his paintbrush, a museum grand opening honoring all of the czars of Russia, and a hotel opening owned by some prince from the Middle East, most likely Israel from the look of it. I knew for a fact that the politician travelled to Russia under a pseudonym. I uploaded his picture to TSA and began scanning all of the images from Sheremetyevo for a match to good ol’ John Smith’s face. The second it popped up, I’d get his passport information and I’d nail the smarmy bastard.

Hopefully. Maybe. This was a perfect example of me thinking that I definitely had the answer when in the end, it was obvious, that I most definitely did not.

The moment the search began, a sharp knock rapped against my door. “Yeah?” I called out.

“Room service,” Tony yelled.

“I didn’t order anything,” I retorted as I drummed my fingers against my table.

“Lemme in, Han, we gotta talk.”

“Not a chance, Stark. Whatever you need to say, send it in an email if it’s that important. If it’s not, it can wait.”

“I prefer face to face communication. It’s good for the soul.”

“Has Pepper got you doing those stupid yoga videos again? You’re starting to sound a true yogi.”

Tony was silent for a moment. “Hannah. I need you to talk to Barnes.”

I snorted as my mouth twisted into a scowl. “Forget it. I don’t do interrogations.”

“This isn’t an interrogation. Think of it at as a friendly conversation at a bar. Except you’re not in a bar, you’re in a holding cell. And it’s not really a conversation, you’ve got scripted questions and what not.”

“So basically an interrogation.” I deadpanned.

“Sure, sure, nuances,” Tony admitted nonchalantly and I rolled my eyes. “Hannah, if we want to make any headway we need to get Barnes to talk.”

“Alright, send Steve in. Or Natasha, our resident expert on interrogations.”

“Already done, Han. Even I went in. He won’t say a word. This guy has been around for almost a hundred years, and about seventy of that was spent with Hydra. He doesn’t even flinch anymore.”

“So why the hell do you think I’m going to make a difference?”

“Because he talked to you.”

I swore under my breath. God, fuck Bucky Barnes. “Listen, Tony. I’d love to be the knight in shining armor here but honestly he didn’t even say much. And I’m pretty sure that’s a one-time deal.”

“That’s bullshit Han and you and I both know it,” Tony snapped. “You’re our best shot at this. C’mon kid, show us how versatile you really are.”

“Fuck off,” I muttered. I didn’t want to do this. I shouldn’t do this. Bucky Barnes was none of my business. He helped me once that was it. And of course that backfired because apparently confidentiality meant nothing to him. But Tony was right. I had just barely made some sort of headway after eight hours of nothing; he had only been able to find Kotevsky was from Russia, around Moscow but nothing too serious. Nothing to launch an investigation. We were dry, we were desperate. And unfortunately, we needed Bucky. I sighed heavily and dragged myself out of my chair as I took one last longing glance at my monitors.

When I opened the door Tony jumped to attention and I wasn’t surprised to see Steve loitering at the end of the hallway trying to act nonchalant. “There she is! What’s it like to see actual sunlight?”

I glanced up at the fluorescent lighting. “I wouldn’t know,” I shot back. Tony flashed me a grin as I frowned and snatched the case file from his hand. It was painfully thin and I had to hold back my frustrated sigh. “Alright Flag Pole,” I called out to Steve as I walked down the hall. “Let’s go do an interrogation.”

“I’m going with you?” He glanced at me curiously when I slammed the file into his chest.

“What part of ‘I don’t do interrogations’ did your star-spangled brain not understand?” I shot him a look as I continued down to the elevator. “I’m just going to stand there. I’m not talking to him again.”

“You think it’ll work?” Steve asked his voice incredulous as I jammed the elevator button and willed the elevator doors to never open.

“It’ll have to,” I grumbled as the doors pinged open and a slew of SHIELD agents tumbled out, all moony eyed as they stared at Steve. I rolled my eyes and pushed past them and typed in the code to get us to sub-level.

“Eager?” Steve mused with raised eyebrows but his smile faltered at the poisonous look I threw him.

“Eager to get this over with,” I muttered as I folded my arms. Steve nodded and didn’t say anything else as the door shut. FRIDAY’s pleasant voice spoke about the weather and today’s current events but I didn’t listen. When the doors opened again, Steve stepped out and the floor was just as quiet as it had been when I had first gone down eight hours ago. It was unsettling.

We reached room 12 and Steve punched in the code that swung the vibranium doors open. Once inside, I saw Sam was across the room. He made eye contact with us and walked over, his shoulders stiff.

“He won’t talk, Cap,” Sam muttered, his voice quiet. He sighed heavily and then his eyes met mine, brown irises filled with concern. “You sure you’re ready for this?”

“I’m doing the interrogation,” Steve whispered. Sam seemed shocked as he eyed me curiously. I avoided his gaze as I stared at the cement floor. I moved to the corner of the room as Steve spoke with Sam for a few minutes longer. I kept my eyes on the guards instead of on Bucky, refusing to give him the satisfaction. I didn’t even see Sam walk over to me until his voice was in my ear.

“Why aren’t you running this?” Sam asked. I met his gaze, trying to look confused but he wasn’t having it. I sighed and rested my shoulder against the cold stone wall.

“I don’t want to,” I muttered. “Besides, I’m not adverse in interrogation or any of that shit. This is something you guys do. I’m just a girl with a computer.”

“You’re more than that, and you know it,” Sam frowned as he shot a glance towards Steve. “What’s really going on, baby? You locked Tony, Steve and Nat in here just to speak to Bucky. Now you won’t look at him. What’s going on? If he did something to you, Hannah. We need to know.”

I swallowed thickly as I toed the ground with my sneaker. “He’s just not someone I want to be around. Is that so hard to understand?” I looked at Sam, begging him to drop it. Really, I was just angry at Bucky. He and his big mouth had gotten me ‘grounded’ as Tony said and now the situation was even worse than it had been before. And it pissed me off.

“Okay,” Sam acquiesced and I breathed out a sigh of relief. “That’s not hard to understand. What is hard to understand as that you’re actually trying to pretend that you’re not pissed at him for foiling your master plan.”

I whipped my head to face Sam, who wore the smuggest smile on his face. “What are you talking about?” I hissed.

“I know you don’t believe in best friends or relationships, but as your unofficial best friend who knows you like the back of his hand, I know when you’re mad, baby. And you’re furious.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not my best friend,” I snapped. “And so what if I’m mad? Doesn’t change anything.”

“No,” Sam mused. “But doesn’t mean you’re not still going to be mad. I also know that this makes you even more motivated to do exactly what you aren’t supposed to do. So, when are you going on this unsanctioned, highly dangerous mission?”

“I’m not,” I shot back and crossed my arms. I didn’t like how Sam was digging into my brain. I knew Wanda was the only one who could actually read brains but I seriously wondered if Sam didn’t possess some ability too. “Besides, I’m grounded, remember? Steve won’t let me out of his sight.”

“Sure he will,” Sam shrugged. “We all know he’ll calm down eventually. And you’ll wait until he does. And that’s when you’ll go. So my only request is, let me know when you go, okay. I’m always down to kick some Hydra ass.”

“Okay, bird-brain,” I rolled my eyes. I turned my attention on Steve as he stood before Bucky. Every muscle in his broad back was stiff, his arms folded in a defensive stance. He was speaking quietly to Bucky, loud enough for the soldier to hear but quiet enough that we couldn’t. I risked a glance at Bucky and saw his eyes were trained on the floor, unblinking and unwavering. I frowned as Steve leaned forward, almost imploring Bucky to look up. The brunette didn’t move a muscle. The only thing that moved was his left hand. There was a slight jerk in his fingers, like an electric shock was going straight through his left hand.

“Have you had any luck with the politician?”

“Smith?” I shook my head. “I’m searching surveillance at Sheremetyevo to see if his face pops up. I alerted TSA too, see if they can get him at departure and had them expand the search to private airfields.”

“Can they do that?” Sam asked.

“Government can track anything.” I muttered. I averted my eyes back to Steve and Bucky. Steve was pacing now and I could see the agitation. From the side profile of his face, his jaw was wired so tight even I could see the muscle tic from where I stood. And my eyesight was shot from staring at a computer screen my whole life. Bucky’s gaze still remained trained on the floor, but his fingers still twitched. It was like he couldn’t look at Steve’s face, even if he wanted to.

“S’kinda weird, y’know?” Sam whispered to me as we both watched Steve and Bucky. “How Bucky won’t look at Steve. It’s like he doesn’t want to believe that’s his best friend.”

Something clicked in my head at Sam’s words. It’s like he doesn’t even want to believe that’s his best friend. “What if he doesn’t?” I murmured.

Sam gave me a disbelieving look. “Han, I saw the two of them in Berlin. Bucky never forgot Steve. I mean hell; in Bucharest he protected the damn guy even with his head all over the place. He pulled him out of the water at Triskelion. You don’t forget someone like that, a best friend. They’re with you for life.”

They’re with you for life. “What if he’s doing that now?” I whispered to myself as the pieces came together.

“What?”

“Sam.” I turned to face him. “What if Bucky is protecting Steve now?”

Sam’s brow furrowed. “Han, baby, what are you talking about?”

“He knows. Bucky knows something. He’s not telling Steve. I know it.”

“Alright, alright,” Sam acquiesced. “Talk to me, what are you thinking?”

I caught my lip between my teeth as my brain hurried to fit all of the pieces together and as it did, an image began to form. A very blurry, very sketchy picture that probably didn’t mean anything but it definitely meant something. Maybe.

“Bucky can’t look Steve in the eye. Why?”

Sam shrugged. “Dunno. I think it’s because he can’t.”

I turned to Sam. “He can’t?”

Sam’s face turned dark. “On one of the…trips Steve and I took, we came across a Hydra facility where they had some, uh, soldiers in training if you will. Very early in the process. But they couldn’t look us in the eye, and they wouldn’t speak. We finally figured out they would only speak when addressed and we had to give them permission. It was engrained within them.”

“They saw you as superiors,” I murmured. “The ultimate control.”

Sam nodded. “I think that’s why he can’t look at him. He sees Steve as superior to him.”

I shook my head. “It’s more than that.” I sighed as I began playing with the tips of my hair, tugging and twirling. “Sam, I don’t think he’s not looking at Steve because he views him as his superior. I think he can’t because it’s Steve.”

“I don’t follow,” Sam frowned.

I turned to face him. My voice became hushed and faster as I got more excited. “You said it yourself, Sam. The type of friendship Steve and Bucky have – it’s for life. Nothing could break it. With that type of closeness, I mean, they know everything. What if Bucky is afraid that Steve will read him like a book? Know exactly what Bucky is hiding without Bucky having to say a single word.”

“So, you think this whole not looking each other in the eye thing is because Bucky is scared? That it has nothing to do with Hydra?”

I shook my head. “I think if Steve were to give Bucky an order, Bucky would follow. He’s been made to follow orders. But he can make decisions. He chose to talk to me. I didn’t tell him to talk to me, I never gave an order. I merely asked. And he responded. So he can make his own decisions, but maybe only to a certain point.”

Sam nodded slowly, as if the puzzle was just beginning to form in his head too. “What if Bucky doesn’t see you as his superior?” I whipped my head to him and narrowed my eyes, a warning for Sam to tread very carefully. “I’m not saying you’re less than him, baby,” Sam defended himself quickly with an assuring smile. “All I’m saying is Steve kind of screams the whole I’m the boss I make the orders aura. You’re much more laid back. Maybe Bucky felt that he didn’t have to answer to you, that you weren’t there to give him orders.”

I relaxed my rigid stance as I thought about what Bucky said. It was interesting theory and I struggled to make sense of it all. I turned to Steve and found him talking to Bucky again, his face closer to the electromagnetic wall.

I stepped away from Sam and moved closer to Steve, careful not to startle Steve. “Steve,” I prompted softly. He looked away and I was floored by the look of pure exhaustion on his face but it melted away into impassiveness as he walked towards me.

“What is it Hannah?”

“Steve,” I swallowed. “You need to order Bucky to look at you.”

There was a beat of silence. “What?” His empty voice made me shift uncomfortably. I felt like I was asking someone to kidnap a child. And essentially, I guess I was. If the child was freewill and the ability to make your own decision.

“You have to,” I murmured.

“Hannah. I am not going to force him to do something.” His voice was fierce as he bent down to my face, his blue eyes chips of pure ice.

“Steve,” I forced myself to meet his chilling stare. “I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t have to. He knows something. Trust me, please.”

My heart cracked as his face twisted into one of pure anguish. “Hasn’t he been ordered around enough?” He asked his voice tight with pain.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Steve nodded and I watched as his face turned to stone and his voice became hard as rock, void of emotion.

“Bucky, I need you to look at me.” His voice wavered but Bucky didn’t. I flashed him a sideward glance. His shoulders stiffened and it almost looked like he was bracing himself. “Soldier, look at me. Now.”

Bucky turned his head. But it looked like someone was pulling an iron chain and he was doing everything he could to fight back. But when his eyes met Steve’s, I felt as if I had been sucker punched.

The look of pure hatred that scorched in Bucky’s eyes made my stomach churn. But Steve’s gaze didn’t falter. “I know what you’re doing,” he murmured. “Don’t do this, I need to know.” Bucky didn’t look away, but there was so much more than anger in his eyes. I had never seen a look so loaded before in my life. “What are you trying to hide? Who are you trying to protect? Is it Kotevsky, is it Hydra, who is it?”

There it was. The finger twitch. The moment Kotevsky left Steve’s mouth, Bucky reacted. It was slight, almost invisible. But it was there. I turned my head to look at Sam, whose eyes were narrowed. He saw too.

“You know,” I whispered, my voice shell-shocked. Bucky didn’t look at me, but I know he heard me. Steve snapped his head down as his brow furrowed into a knot of confusion. I ignored him as I stepped forward. “What is it, what is it about Kotevsky that you know?” Bucky’s gaze didn’t waver and I felt that tiny flutter of anger in the pit of my stomach. I swallowed to try and calm myself down as I spoke softly. “Who is Kotevsky, Bucky? What is he going to do, is it the drop tonight?” Bucky turned his face away, but I saw. The slight tremor of fear that skittered across his face. Right before his features turned to marble. I reeled back as it dawned on me. “The drop…you know. You know about the drop.”

He didn’t answer, his face stoic. Like a statue. “Jesus,” Steve whispered behind me.

I ignored him and dropped down to Bucky’s level, tilting my head as I tried to meet his gaze, no matter how hard he tried to avoid mine. “Bucky. Tell me, please. I need to know.” The silence that followed was deafening. “What are you so afraid of?” I prompted softly. He finally met my gaze, and it was pleading. Begging me to drop it, to walk away. My breath stuttered in my chest but I refused to look away. “I will find out,” I told him firmly and willed my voice to remain steady. “You know it’s just a matter of time.”

“I know. I’m just hoping you run out,” he murmured, his voice rough. I frowned heavily as I gripped my hands tightly together. There was that flare of anger again that threatened to lash out. I took a deep breath and willed myself to calm down.

“Why?” I whispered. “What do you know? Bucky, please. Something is happening; something big and we need to stop it.”

“No you don’t,” he gritted his teeth. “Please, drop it. It’s not important.”

“Yes it is,” I argued as my face grew hot. I was getting angrier and angrier by the second. “If it’s worth a billion dollars then it must be pretty damn important.”

Bucky winced. “It isn’t. Let it go.”

I held back a snarl as I stood up suddenly, my glare fixated on Bucky. “He knows,” I muttered to Steve. He nodded as I turned on my heel and stormed out of the room. “Useless,” I muttered to myself the whole way up to Tony’s lab. “Absolutely, utterly, useless.”

I slammed the keypad outside Tony’s lab and jammed in the code. Out of my peripheral I saw the red lines scan my face and a red dot appeared. “Unconfirmed facial scan. Please turn to face the–”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I shouted as I turned to bang on Tony’s door as the stupid scanner kept reading my face. “Tony, open this fucking door or so help me–”

The heavy door swung open as Tony stood before me, a shit-eating grin on his face. “You were saying?”

I growled as I stomped past him, throwing a middle finger to the scanner and the disembodied voice. “Kotevsky,” I spit out. “What do you have on him?”

“Jesus, Barnes really got your knickers all in a twist,” Tony snickered but stopped the moment I glared at him. He cleared his throat quickly before he sauntered towards his monitors, ignoring the piles and piles of junk that threatened to suffocate the spacious lab. “Nothing. I ran his face through every government operated security camera in the entirety of Moscow and found nothing. I don’t think he is in Moscow, Han.”

“No, he is,” I muttered. “Smith is way too over the top. Moscow is the capital, it holds the most importance. That’s where he’ll want to be.”

Tony snorted. “God, you sound like my shrink. Watching too much Criminal Minds lately?”

I rolled my eyes. “No, I just hang out with you too much,” I quipped. Tony attempted to look affronted but I could see the smile fighting its way.

“What have you got so far?” He asked as he plopped down on his leather chair.

I sighed and shook my head. “A bunch of coded conversations. I’ve pretty much guessed that the wedding means the main event – maybe a grand opening of some sort. The reception is the actual drop-off. But I’m also pulling this out of my ass so really I have no idea. I have searches running for his face at Sheremetyevo and through TSA. If he’s cocky enough he’d go through the international airports.”

“You don’t think he’d use a private airfield?”

I shrugged. “I’m hoping he doesn’t. Even if he does I have the ones that he frequents under surveillance. I’m really hoping his ego comes in the way of his intelligent thinking and somehow we get a hit.”

“So really, we have nothing.”

“Exactly,” I sighed as I leaned against the table.

“Barnes came up dry?”

A sour look came across my face. “Drier than the Sahara. He didn’t give us jack shit. He just said it wasn’t important or whatever the hell that means.”

Tony scowled as he shook his head. “He’s hiding something,” he muttered into his coffee cup.

“Or protecting something,” I added.

“We just don’t know what or who,” Tony finished and we both shared a grim look. Bucky was the missing puzzle piece. He was just the piece that refused to cooperate. Just as I was sitting and contemplating all of the ways that I could kill someone without getting caught, my phone dinged. I pulled it out of my pocket and when I saw the notification, I jumped up and nearly catapulted myself to the nearest computer.

“I found him,” I explained to Tony before he asked. He perked up instantly and came to stand beside me as I sent the information to Tony’s monitor. When the successful search popped up, I almost laughed.

“Is…is that a fake mustache?” Tony sputtered as he tried to hide his laughter. There was Smith, in all his mediocre glory, wearing the fakest mustache known to man and this god awful fedora that made Patrick Stump look fashionable.

“Jesus, I hate politicians,” I moaned as I minimized his picture. “Alright, he arrived at Sheremetyevo about four hours ago. He then–” I followed CCTV throughout the airport before I found him climbing into a town car, “–gets into a town car which is taking him…somewhere. That I’m going to find out.”

“That’s what I pay you for,” Tony remarked sarcastically but I ignored him. I ran the plates of the town car and found it linked to a private limo company that contracted out limos and cars to very high-end and prissy clientele.

“God, do I love wire transfers,” I grinned as I followed the bank and found an account in Switzerland tied to the name Noah Trilnoj Dohms.

“What kind of name is that?” Tony snorted as I entered that name into the limo company clientele list that I oh so conveniently hacked into. “Who names their kid some plain name like Noah and then give them a middle name like Trilnoj?”

“I mean, your parents named you Anthony so you’re not far behind on the whole plain name list.”

Tony scoffed. “I’ll have you know that Anthony means highly praiseworthy. I’m anything but plain.”

“Yeah, but the Greeks associated Anthony with flower, so like you said,” I turned to him and gave him a mocking smile, “I guess you really are anything but plain, hm?”

Tony’s mouth opened and closed – sort of like a flower in bloom – as he searched for an answer. I smirked as the monitor dinged and the ever so plain Noah Trilnoj blinked at me. “You know,” I mused, “maybe I should make you a flower crown. Those are highly praiseworthy, aren’t they?”

“Shut up,” Tony snarled and I couldn’t help but laugh as I pulled up Noah’s sheet.

“Well,” I hummed. “Looks like Mr. Extravagant is staying at an equally extravagant hotel.”

Tony leaned over my shoulder, seemingly forgetting my quip. “Ararat Park Hyatt Hotel.” He rolled his eyes. “How American.”

“Well, he is American,” I looked over at Tony with a raised eyebrow, “and are we going to forget the little fact that you won’t stay anywhere unless there is a Marriott stationed nearby?”

“Hey, I like the food. Plus they have the softest towels.”

“Do they really?” My voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Oh, definitely. Softer than a baby’s bottom. Especially when they’re snuggled around your–”

“Yep! Okay, moving on,” I yelled, waving my arms in the air. Ignoring Tony’s amused chuckle, I easily moved through the servers at the Hyatt and easily found where Noah was staying. “He’s in the Winter Garden Suite, checked in about…two hours ago.”

“Do you ever wonder if your fingers are going to fall off?” I whipped my head around to stare at Tony, my eyes narrowed as he shrugged nonchalantly. “I mean, you type so fast and practically drill your fingers into my poor, fragile keyboard. I’m just wondering if it’s possible for them to actually just fall off, y’know.”

“God, you’re hopeless,” I rolled my eyes towards the sky and pushed back from his desk. “And your keyboard is a projection onto your desk, jackass. I hardly doubt it’s seeing some damage.”

“The whole table vibrates when you type. The whole table.”

I tutted softly in mock sadness as I patted his cheek. “My apologies, il mio fiore. I’ll make sure to send your desk a thank you basket for putting up with my brutal ways.”

I didn’t give Tony a chance to answer before I sprinted off, snagging a tablet in the process. All I heard was Tony’s voice bouncing through the lab as he yelled: “Did you just call me flower?!”

I pulled out my phone and dialed Sam’s number. He picked up on the first ring. “What’s shakin’ bacon?”

“Smith just checked into the Winter Garden Suite at the Ararat Park Hyatt Hotel about two hours ago. I’m cross checking now but I’m pretty sure there is an art opening about five miles from there tonight.”

“Hey, HP found something,” Sam said away from the receiver. He was back within the moment. “You think this could be him?”

“Oh, I know it’s the slimy bastard. He’s under the alias of Noah Trilnoj Dohms–”

“What kind of name is Noah Trilnoj Dohms?”

“Oh God, not you too,” I sighed heavily as I nearly dropped the tablet in disappointment.

“No, but seriously Han. Think about it. I mean…Noah and then–”

“Moving on, Sam,” I spoke sharply as I reached my cave. “He’s wearing this god awful mustache which is really what you should be focusing on.”

“Mustache? Like Tony’s mustache bad? Or me during the 80s bad?”

“Try Charlie Chaplin bad.” Sam whistled beneath his breath and I had to stop myself from laughing. “I’m sending a photo to you and Steve now. I’m inside the GPS of his town car so if the key even comes near the car I’ll know about it. I’m working on the security system to see if they’ve got cameras inside the suite, I’ll let you know if I find anything.”

“Alright, you’re the best baby,” Sam cooed into the phone and I rolled my eyes as I hung up.

I set down the tablet that was connected to the GPS system of the town car as I brought my monitors back to life. I quickly wrote a code and began hacking into the security system, which took me all of twenty minutes. I soon found myself in the Winter Garden Suite where the lovely Johnny was staying. Nothing was really going on, it seemed like the security detail was completely relaxed, some of them even conversing. They obviously had no worries. I tapped into the audio and began downloading all of the audio while I let it play into my earpiece.

Nothing interesting was happening, just quiet murmuring. Smith was nowhere to be seen. But even then, I could definitely hear him, and whoever he was with. And from the looks of it, so could his unamused body guards.

“On zvuchit kak slon.” One of the guards muttered to the other. After a quick Google Translate into what he said because shockingly, I wasn’t fluent in every language, I nearly choked on my spit. It sounds like an elephant.+

As I scanned over the security tapes, heading back to when they first entered the room, my eyes caught a flutter of white that fell to the ground when Smith opened his briefcase. I quickly froze the image and zoomed in. It turned out to be a piece of card stock with elegant script in what looked like silver cursive.

 ◊              ◊              ◊

THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY

IS REQUESTED FOR THE EARLY SHOWING OF

Treasure Nukus

Named after IV Savitsky

MONDAY March 16, 2017

FROM 7:00 PM – 11:00 PM

THE PUSHKIN STATE MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS

FORMAL COCKTAIL ATTIRE

◊              ◊              ◊

“The wedding,” I whispered with an exhaling breath. My fingers shook with excitement as I quickly searched Treasure Nukus. It was some set of paintings from the State Museum that apparently was a great representation of Asian culture. Either way, it was big. One quick sweep of the invitation list told me it was extremely secretive and a very expensive list. Big money was going into this showing and it was just an opportunity for people to show off their wealth and importance. It was Smith’s playing field.

I immediately rang Sam. “What’s cookin’ good lookin’?”

“I found it.” I practically panted out like a rabid dog. “I found the wedding. Well, I think so. It’s the closest that I’ve gotten and it makes sense because…well, it just does. It has to. If it doesn’t you have full permission to punch me in the face.”

Sam laughed. “I’ll remember that, baby. Now, tell me. Where is this lovely wedding that I have a feeling me and Steve are invited to?”

I grinned as I relayed what I found to Sam. “So, essentially, I’m shipping you off to sunny Moscow.”

“I’ve always loved how the Kremlin looks in the middle of the night,” Sam shot back unenthusiastically. “So, you’re all packed baby?”

“Packed?” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously as I clicked the monitor and let the video feeds play at real time.

“Well yeah, someone’s gotta go say hi to the good politician.”

I nearly dropped my phone. “I’m sorry…what did you just say?” I nearly screeched. “Are you out of your damn mind? What the hell have you been huffing down there?”

“Baby, we already sent Nat in so he’d recognize her and know we’re onto him. Wanda is too noticeable after Lagos. Hill is too in love with Fury to leave his side for more than ten minutes. So, that leaves you HP.”

I sputtered as I desperately grasped on some way to get myself out of this. “I’ll die out there Sam…I can’t, you can’t do this to me. I do not spy. I’m an awful spy.”

“Baby, you’re the best damn spy the world has ever seen.”

“Yes, behind a computer screen. Away from people.” I pressed my hand to my forehead and I immediately felt it break into a sweat. “God, are you trying to completely botch this mission?”

“Not yet,” his grin could be heard through the phone. I huffed out a breath as I stared at my monitors miserably. I suddenly had a sickening image of Smith’s wrinkly hands running up and down my back as his thin, papery lips pressed against my ear. I was gonna throw up.

“No, nope, absolutely not.” I shook my head and shot up as I began to pace. “I am not, no way. Send someone else. I quit, I resign, and I’m faking my death if I have to.”

“Oh, come on Han…” Sam’s voice faded away as a flicker of movement caught my eye on one of the feeds. It was the one that was trained on the living room, yet the hallway that led to Smith’s room began to show someone walking down it. A man walked out, shirtless with the top button of his pants undone. His dress shirt suddenly appeared as a pair of hands pulled it onto his broad shoulders. The gaunt body of John Arnold Smith emerged; his thin smile caused a shudder to dance down my spine.  But what happened next caused me to shoot up with a shocked gasp.

Smith leaned down and pressed a hard kiss to the lips of the man, his fingers brushing over his face.

“Oh my God,” I breathed out before a smile lit up on my face. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”

“Hannah, what is going on? Talk to me, what happened?” Sam’s frantic voice suddenly registered in my mind as I grinned widely.

“I think the real question is: are you packed, Sam?”

There was a heartbeat of silence before Sam spoke. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” I tapped my finger to my chin as I watched Smith say goodbye. “It seems to me that Smith doesn’t really like redheads, or brunettes, or girls, for that matter.” I could literally hear the thoughts clicking in Sam’s brain. “And Samuel…it seems to me that you are exactly his type.”

“No,” he immediately said. “Nope, not happening. Nice try Hannah. You’re lying, I know you are.”

“Am I?” I gloated as I sat back. “Besides, would I ever lie about someone’s sexual orientation? I may be a cold-hearted bitch, but I still have a heart.”

There were voices in the background and I heard Sam hiss, “Don’t agree with her. There has to be another way. No way, this isn’t happening.”

I held back my laughter as I watched Smith wave goodbye as the man left the suite. I had to make sure to send Smith a thank you card after all of this.

“So, baby,” I leaned forward in my chair with a wicked grin, “What color suit are you going to wear?”

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Jailhouse Salvation 101

Jailhouse Salvation 101

(word count approx 1570)

By Gina Fournier

 The Merchant-Ivory movie adaptation of E. M. Forster’s A Room with a View features a poignant scene following a street fight that ends in murder.  Lucy (Helen Bonham Carter) comments that you witness something memorable and think you’ll never be the same, but then you forget and return to your old self.  I hope to do a better job holding onto my jailhouse conversion, from skeptical to convinced about the existence of God.  

 Disclaimer: My conviction has wavered intensely even before I finished editing this essay.

Thanks to my former employer and its bad actors, an institution I’ll call Land of Motown Community College, where I served as an English teacher, I’ve seen the best and the worst of pure Michigan humanity.  If God created humans, God sure must have a sense of humor.

Even a smattering of details from my story sound like a rollercoaster Lifetime movie no one wants to watch.  Since 2012, I’ve been sexist witch-hunted through an ongoing living nightmare that has included hack shrinks, illegal and involuntary lock up in a Catholic mental health ward and now incarceration for thirty-four days in a mid-Michigan county jail for a crime I did not commit. College administrators, union teachers, dirty cops, dirty doctors, dirty nuns and dirty priests, plus the state’s top most government officials, have participated in the protection of white collar criminals and encouraged my simultaneous downfall.   All this for me, so one man can prove his power over unions near union ground zero.

The U.S. Constitution’s first amendment makes clear that government is not to establish any official religion, not protect any particular religion from existing laws. Perhaps the founding fathers could foresee the distant future.  Nearly two hundred fifty years later, a female citizen has found cause to invert the phrase “God bless you” with blasphemy, attempting to redress grievances.  

I’ve never met the emergency room doctor who signed me into a Catholic looney bin for a week.  To my horror, I was held in a Catholic Siberia, it turns out, on campus with my all girl Catholic high school.  I was raised and violated by the same church, which now pretends it’s never met me.  Thirty five years ago, for Halloween, classmates mimicked the Robert Redford movie Brubaker to stage a failed, backboneless prison break.  These classmates, who have also turned away from my plight, dressed not in hospital gowns or orange as the new black, but plaid skirts and knee socks adorned temporarily with stripes. (Good girls, we stopped mock rioting when the nuns glared.)

Unfortunately, there is no law or principle governing the intersection of religion and families.   In my time of need, even my immediate and extended family has turned away, exponentially multiplying my distress.  My extended Catholic family has not advocated for me, though it would cost nothing except some skin.  The anger caused by this and so many betrayals envelops like nuclear explosion.

However, I realized something on day thirty-three of my lock up in the big house.  Because the ties between families and religion tend to act like strangleholds, my estranged Catholic mother is incapable of doing the one thing I want and need her most to do: to demand that Livonia Catholics honestly investigate me claims.  Because of my new found belief, I forgive my aging mother.  She’s only human and doing the best she can.  (Unfortunately, the damage done feels irreparable.  Forgiveness does not mean I can tolerate her presence.)

Through five solid years of loss, I have been cornered mentally and financially into a nearly impossible position.  But the kindest of strangers have helped me to survive.  Downstate, nice generous neighbors responded to my cries for help by giving. Up north, the same.   People have given money, food, house wares, helpful supplies such as wood, shoes, warm clothes, plus their time and honest well wishes.  I wish I would have kept better track of the names and faces of the many regular people who have been so kind, forming a lifeline, keeping me alive.

My fighting spirit has kept better track of my transgressors, including Fox News Detroit, which ran a sexist hack piece in 2015 cutting together footage I asked them not to shoot in order to make me look looser than loopy.  In search of more positive and helpful press, my creative and liberal mind encouraged me to tag my own, downstate old-ring suburban home with a metaphoric phrase that offended and confused.  “A religious figure criminally violated me!” Only my version was Twitter-short.  Basic sentence: subject, verb, object.  

Passersby assumed I was nutz.  I’m not. Unfortunately, the human resources’ labor attorney and architect of my nightmare is smart enough to know that once a crone-aged female is labeled crazy dangerous, most people won’t bother to parse the facts.  Just ask Hillary.  Voters elected a man without ethics, unwilling to practice stability, a sexual harasser, eager to “lock her up!”

I recreated my civil rights protest up north at a lake named after the largest city in New Brunswick. Maybe I watched too many episodes of Little House on the Prairie, after numerous rereadings of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books.  In middle age, without an income, I’ve been forced to gather wood and water for two years, for two winters, with a third approaching, in order to survive in my dead husband’s summer cabin, which is facing tax forfeiture, and soon.  In both iterations, I repainted my eye-catching sacrilegious phrase with “Act Peace.”  I’m not a bad person, or dangerous, or interested in spreading evil. But Fox News Detroit has been not interested in my actual story.  

While I was incarcerated, nasty locals ran down my mailbox to which my sign “Act Peace” was nailed, and then took the sign.  Two paintings espousing the Statue of Liberty have been stolen.  My sign about the connection between the dirty cop who put me in jail and Land of Motown Community College was stolen, I’d guess by the dirty cop.  My cries for “help!” with needed justice have been ignored.  Instead, community officials at this private lake community have bent the law with the help of dirty local county officials, who may try to re-arrest me over the care of my feces.  Yes, you read correctly.  My troubles continue.  Danger surrounds. This is not a pretty story.

(FYI. Please believe me. I’m still be getting my proverbial shit together, but I’ve always I properly and responsibly discarded my poop.)

Something wicked this way came, and stayed, but I pray to harness goodness and finally slay the beast on my back. I’ve been falsely accused of being suicidal and a danger to society within a country that has grown accustomed to men mass murdering and sexual harassing.  I know the pain of mental illness in the form of mental torture, so I feel very sympathetic to those, especially military veterans, who suffer from PTSD.  Mental pain is real.  And can be excruciating.  I realize no matter my idiosyncratic tendencies, finally winning a measure of justice will require the help of other people, and, well, by any name, I guess God.  I know that God may not intercede with my legal and financial problems but belief in a higher power does help with gratefulness and tranquility.

In jail, every day is a good day to die.  However, the smallest graces save a tattered soul and help a person carry on to the next long minute.   I want to thank the two women who ran Bible study every Tuesday.  Yes, you read correctly.  Unbeknownst to them, they gave me gold for a writer without means: a composition notebook, on my 54th birthday, which was an otherwise desolate milestone.  Moreover, these women of God showed me a respectable and inspirational version of Christianity.

On cable tv, my cellmates preferred back-to-back episodes of Cops, shows about zombies, the shallow high jinks of Jerry Springer, endless sci-fi.  (I prefer comedy and drama.)  The day I was eventually sprung from the slammer, my legal troubles abated but not erased, Unsolved Mysteries ran a segment on St. Pio, an Italian priest who was said to develop stigmata and miraculously heal.  Angered, under stress, I admit I acted out loudly like an ass (even by jail standards): “I hope they roast his nuts!”  

Many jail birds claim to accept Jesus as their savior, though none gave up their bottom bunk for the pregnant woman in our ranks.  Critically, I recognized around me the kind of souls who would have rejected Mary and Joseph. But I was forced to realize this was not a television segment that was going to uncover more Catholic dirt.  Although St. Pio may have self-inflicted his wounds, trapped in a county cell block, I dropped my bad attitude and truly felt in my body an undeniable wave of love.      

No surprise, in the short time since my release on PR bond, my nascent jailhouse conversion has been tested and wavered, fallen apart, and needing rebuilding.  Im not a saint.  My days are terrifying and unresolved.  But.  If I breathe calmly and deeply, and repeat my affirmations, what some call prayers, I recognize a connection between hope and light.    

House of Hope in Hersey, Michigan, offered me a composition notebook.  Any additional help readers may offer with legal defense, plumbing, back taxes, transportation, work or grace are appreciated. Thank you.  

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[declassroomedteach-blog]

Jailhouse Salvation 101

Jailhouse Salvation 101

(word count approx 1570)

By Gina Fournier

 The Merchant-Ivory movie adaptation of E. M. Forster’s A Room with a View features a poignant scene following a street fight that ends in murder.  Lucy (Helen Bonham Carter) comments that you witness something memorable and think you’ll never be the same, but then you forget and return to your old self.  I hope to do a better job holding onto my jailhouse conversion, from skeptical to convinced about the existence of God.  

 Disclaimer: My conviction has wavered intensely even before I finished editing this essay.

Thanks to my former employer and its bad actors, an institution I’ll call Land of Motown Community College, where I served as an English teacher, I’ve seen the best and the worst of pure Michigan humanity.  If God created humans, God sure must have a sense of humor.

Even a smattering of details from my story sound like a rollercoaster Lifetime movie no one wants to watch.  Since 2012, I’ve been sexist witch-hunted through an ongoing living nightmare that has included hack shrinks, illegal and involuntary lock up in a Catholic mental health ward and now incarceration for thirty-four days in a mid-Michigan county jail for a crime I did not commit. College administrators, union teachers, dirty cops, dirty doctors, dirty nuns and dirty priests, plus the state’s top most government officials, have participated in the protection of white collar criminals and encouraged my simultaneous downfall.   All this for me, so one man can prove his power over unions near union ground zero.

The U.S. Constitution’s first amendment makes clear that government is not to establish any official religion, not protect any particular religion from existing laws. Perhaps the founding fathers could foresee the distant future.  Nearly two hundred fifty years later, a female citizen has found cause to invert the phrase “God bless you” with blasphemy, attempting to redress grievances.  

I’ve never met the emergency room doctor who signed me into a Catholic looney bin for a week.  To my horror, I was held in a Catholic Siberia, it turns out, on campus with my all girl Catholic high school.  I was raised and violated by the same church, which now pretends it’s never met me.  Thirty five years ago, for Halloween, classmates mimicked the Robert Redford movie Brubaker to stage a failed, backboneless prison break.  These classmates, who have also turned away from my plight, dressed not in hospital gowns or orange as the new black, but plaid skirts and knee socks adorned temporarily with stripes. (Good girls, we stopped mock rioting when the nuns glared.)

Unfortunately, there is no law or principle governing the intersection of religion and families.   In my time of need, even my immediate and extended family has turned away, exponentially multiplying my distress.  My extended Catholic family has not advocated for me, though it would cost nothing except some skin.  The anger caused by this and so many betrayals envelops like nuclear explosion.

However, I realized something on day thirty-three of my lock up in the big house.  Because the ties between families and religion tend to act like strangleholds, my estranged Catholic mother is incapable of doing the one thing I want and need her most to do: to demand that Livonia Catholics honestly investigate me claims.  Because of my new found belief, I forgive my aging mother.  She’s only human and doing the best she can.  (Unfortunately, the damage done feels irreparable.  Forgiveness does not mean I can tolerate her presence.)

Through five solid years of loss, I have been cornered mentally and financially into a nearly impossible position.  But the kindest of strangers have helped me to survive.  Downstate, nice generous neighbors responded to my cries for help by giving. Up north, the same.   People have given money, food, house wares, helpful supplies such as wood, shoes, warm clothes, plus their time and honest well wishes.  I wish I would have kept better track of the names and faces of the many regular people who have been so kind, forming a lifeline, keeping me alive.

My fighting spirit has kept better track of my transgressors, including Fox News Detroit, which ran a sexist hack piece in 2015 cutting together footage I asked them not to shoot in order to make me look looser than loopy.  In search of more positive and helpful press, my creative and liberal mind encouraged me to tag my own, downstate old-ring suburban home with a metaphoric phrase that offended and confused.  “A religious figure criminally violated me!” Only my version was Twitter-short.  Basic sentence: subject, verb, object.  

Passersby assumed I was nutz.  I’m not. Unfortunately, the human resources’ labor attorney and architect of my nightmare is smart enough to know that once a crone-aged female is labeled crazy dangerous, most people won’t bother to parse the facts.  Just ask Hillary.  Voters elected a man without ethics, unwilling to practice stability, a sexual harasser, eager to “lock her up!”

I recreated my civil rights protest up north at a lake named after the largest city in New Brunswick. Maybe I watched too many episodes of Little House on the Prairie, after numerous rereadings of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books.  In middle age, without an income, I’ve been forced to gather wood and water for two years, for two winters, with a third approaching, in order to survive in my dead husband’s summer cabin, which is facing tax forfeiture, and soon.  In both iterations, I repainted my eye-catching sacrilegious phrase with “Act Peace.”  I’m not a bad person, or dangerous, or interested in spreading evil. But Fox News Detroit has been not interested in my actual story.  

While I was incarcerated, nasty locals ran down my mailbox to which my sign “Act Peace” was nailed, and then took the sign.  Two paintings espousing the Statue of Liberty have been stolen.  My sign about the connection between the dirty cop who put me in jail and Land of Motown Community College was stolen, I’d guess by the dirty cop.  My cries for “help!” with needed justice have been ignored.  Instead, community officials at this private lake community have bent the law with the help of dirty local county officials, who may try to re-arrest me over the care of my feces.  Yes, you read correctly.  My troubles continue.  Danger surrounds. This is not a pretty story.

(FYI. Please believe me. I’m still be getting my proverbial shit together, but I’ve always I properly and responsibly discarded my poop.)

Something wicked this way came, and stayed, but I pray to harness goodness and finally slay the beast on my back. I’ve been falsely accused of being suicidal and a danger to society within a country that has grown accustomed to men mass murdering and sexual harassing.  I know the pain of mental illness in the form of mental torture, so I feel very sympathetic to those, especially military veterans, who suffer from PTSD.  Mental pain is real.  And can be excruciating.  I realize no matter my idiosyncratic tendencies, finally winning a measure of justice will require the help of other people, and, well, by any name, I guess God.  I know that God may not intercede with my legal and financial problems but belief in a higher power does help with gratefulness and tranquility.

In jail, every day is a good day to die.  However, the smallest graces save a tattered soul and help a person carry on to the next long minute.   I want to thank the two women who ran Bible study every Tuesday.  Yes, you read correctly.  Unbeknownst to them, they gave me gold for a writer without means: a composition notebook, on my 54th birthday, which was an otherwise desolate milestone.  Moreover, these women of God showed me a respectable and inspirational version of Christianity.

On cable tv, my cellmates preferred back-to-back episodes of Cops, shows about zombies, the shallow high jinks of Jerry Springer, endless sci-fi.  (I prefer comedy and drama.)  The day I was eventually sprung from the slammer, my legal troubles abated but not erased, Unsolved Mysteries ran a segment on St. Pio, an Italian priest who was said to develop stigmata and miraculously heal.  Angered, under stress, I admit I acted out loudly like an ass (even by jail standards): “I hope they roast his nuts!”  

Many jail birds claim to accept Jesus as their savior, though none gave up their bottom bunk for the pregnant woman in our ranks.  Critically, I recognized around me the kind of souls who would have rejected Mary and Joseph. But I was forced to realize this was not a television segment that was going to uncover more Catholic dirt.  Although St. Pio may have self-inflicted his wounds, trapped in a county cell block, I dropped my bad attitude and truly felt in my body an undeniable wave of love.      

No surprise, in the short time since my release on PR bond, my nascent jailhouse conversion has been tested and wavered, fallen apart, and needing rebuilding.  Im not a saint.  My days are terrifying and unresolved.  But.  If I breathe calmly and deeply, and repeat my affirmations, what some call prayers, I recognize a connection between hope and light.    

House of Hope in Hersey, Michigan, offered me a composition notebook.  Any additional help readers may offer with legal defense, plumbing, back taxes, transportation, work or grace are appreciated. Thank you.  

   �!�-�`Pe��