#this shit has fucked me up for motnhs

[tenshindon]

if i think about tien fretting over chiaotzu and yamcha’s safety one more time i think i might explode so For Once i’m writing out my thoughts in the main part of the post :)))) under the cut of course :))))))

We all know that Tien’s concerned over Chiaotzu’s well-being all the time, like that’s a defining part of their relationship. Even when they’re already dead Tien’s still horrified at the prospect of Chiaotzu dying during their spar with Piccolo. However it isn’t until Resurrection F that we’re given a notice that Tien’s concerned over Yamcha as well. Whether this was a development exclusive to Super or it’s just been a background thing that’s only now manifesting in the subtlest of ways, we will never know <3 Either that or my memory of Everything Ever is very hazy <3 however I will talk about it anyways because my brain is decaying as we speak because holy shit 

Like through Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z, we repeatedly see Yamcha extending his heart out to Tien: Yamcha repeatedly pleading with Tien to reconsider learning the mafuba, Yamcha granting Tien reassurance before he goes off to fight Tao and subsequently understanding Tien needs time alone after the fight, Yamcha wishing to stay with Tien and Chiaotzu in the afterlife, and so on. From these instances alone, we know that Yamcha is certainly more open about his affection and care towards his friends (which is a whole post I can make on its own, Yamcha’s incredibly emotionally intelligent and it’s so good).

However this type of care isn’t exactly reciprocated towards Yamcha- or not as obviously, anyways. Which isn’t all too surprising; pardon Chiaotzu and especially by Z, Tien’s very reserved and generally just keeps to himself and Chiaotzu. 

However, as aforementioned, Tien remarks that he left Yamcha and Chiaotzu behind away from the fight. It’s a rather innocuous line when you think of it: on the surface, Tien’s just clarifying- well, he just left Yamcha and Chiaotzu behind because he feels it’s too dangerous for them. But then you have to ask the question: since when did Tien have authority over what Yamcha did? And why was Yamcha so willing to listen? Was Yamcha just not clued in on what was happening and Tien figured he wouldn’t tell him? 

Chiaotzu is understandable; despite Chiaotzu being just five years younger than Tien and thus being in his early 40′s by Super, Tien still treats him like a younger brother and as his guardian. So when he so casually adds Yamcha to this- to just so naturally say “I left Chiaotzu and Yamcha behind. The danger seems too much for them,” it just really makes you think a bit. Because Tien made a conscious decision to leave Yamcha behind for his well-being.

In this instance Tien is putting Yamcha on the same- or at least similar level as Chiaotzu, someone we’re all very well aware that he would literally kill someone for, even if that someone is himself. The meta explanation for this could very well just be Toei didn’t want to bother giving Yamcha and Chiaotzu anything to do during the movie, and since they were already perceived as the weakest among the cast it was much easier to leave them out of it entirely (though that’s a rant for another day). The issue that arises however is that Toei accidentally (or maybe intentionally) adds a layer to Tien and Yamcha’s relationship, or at least shows us that Tien does care about Yamcha’s safety and shows some type of growth to Tien. As I talked about before, Tien is reserved and doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve- so for an action like this to occur on his part, it demonstrates a great leap in his development as a person and opening up.

And the thing about this is that it’s not entirely out of Tien’s character to leave people behind to protect them- it’s completely in character, in a way. During the Saiyan Saga, Tien initially attempts to dissuade Chiaotzu from attending the Saiyan fight, forming a similar excuse as that it would be too dangerous for him. With an instance like this, it shows us that if Tien isn’t confident he can protect Chiaotzu on the battlefield, the most he can do is make sure he’s at home and assuredly safe. He does this again during the Cell Saga by leaving Chiaotzu at Roshi’s abode, once again asserting that it would be too dangerous for Chiaotzu.

During Z Tien doesn’t show this type of concern towards Yamcha, which isn’t wrong or even irrational. Amidst Z, Yamcha was more than capable of taking care of himself and looking after his own back; Tien didn’t reason it would make sense for him to look after him. Not only that, but Tien and Chiaotzu’s relationship is just seemingly more natural to him: he’s known Chiaotzu since he was a child, it makes sense for his care to be more open and at the ready. Tien knows Chiaotzu and his boundaries, and vice versa.

The important thing about Tien though, as I already mentioned right- he’s reserved. Coupled with the fact he was raised by Shen and Tao of all people, it’s probably hard for him to make deep connections with people, let alone traditionally express care. That’s why Chiaotzu is such an anchor for him: he’s really all he has at the end of the day, if not himself. And he’s already demonstrated he’d rather die than live without his brother.

Shifting to Yamcha, it’s... a topic that really should be touched on more. When Yamcha dies during the Saiyan Saga, the anime offers a particular reaction shot on Tien. It’s not much all things considered, but it does allow the viewer to be able to identify that Yamcha’s death had somewhat of a significant impact on Tien specifically, as he’s the only one with an isolated reaction shot (which is especially telling considering Krillin was friends with Yamcha longer and logically would be more devastated and more deserving of a singular shot. He gets this, however by actually checking on Yamcha’s body but I could touch on that whole topic another time). Later on in the Cell saga, Tien is subjected to watching Yamcha die (or be on the precipice of dying) again via Dr. Gero; Tien is the first of the Z Fighters to show up to the scene, thus giving us another Tien-specific reaction shot.

Obviously, Tien’s reactions to Yamcha and Chiaotzu differ severely; we’ve already gone over why Chiaotzu has a greater bond to Tien, and despite the friendship Yamcha and Tien have been able to build over the years it would be near impossible for Yamcha to ever be totally on the same level as Chiaotzu. But at the very least and looking at the Resurrection F dialogue, Yamcha’s deadly experiences have had a lasting impact on Tien.

It wouldn’t be improbable to assume Tien suffered from guilt from Chiaotzu dying during the Saiyan Saga- he even warned Chiaotzu about coming along, so being helpless to protect his brother as he watched him be bashed before he ultimately kills himself could have been certainly traumatizing. Chiaotzu’s death in the Saiyan Saga, in my opinion, is more devastating than his King Piccolo death.

Against King Piccolo Chiaotzu was killed swiftly, and he was at least able to leave a body behind. Of course, there definitely comes feelings of guilt at the fact Tien was the one who instructed Chiaotzu to get into danger in the first place- which is probably why he’s more open to the idea of letting Chiaotzu sit a fight out in the future. During the Saiyan Saga, Chiaotzu is thrashed over and over again and rammed against mountains while Tien is found in a similar position of being physically incapable of protecting him. The whole display definitely lasts much longer than the King Piccolo incident, and it’s far more agonizing as Chiaotzu telepathically communicates with Tien during this. All for it to culminate in Chiaotzu uselessly sacrificing himself, Tien even hallucinating Chiaotzu amidst delirium.

Tien best shows his care through action and protecting those he loves- he’s just incapable of verbally saying he cares and thus best does it through service. For Tien to implicitly order Yamcha to stay away from the fight with Chiaotzu, it shows us that he harbors similar feelings of fear, guilt, and care that he does towards Chiaotzu towards Yamcha as well. Tien does his best to keep Chiaotzu away from fights because he’s afraid of losing him again because he wasn’t strong enough to protect him- it’s a fair-enough bet to wager this fear extends towards losing Yamcha as well.

Which not only makes Tien’s underwhelming reaction to Earth blowing up so fuckinnnn aggravating like oh my god like fucking he actually kept his loved ones behind and they still died can you imagine the fuckin turmoil and angst jesus christ im going insane Also this is why I needed a fucking scene of these three knuckleheads talking about chiaotzu and yamcha staying behind like toei im begging you throw me a bone LMAOOOO

[cowardly-conduct]

Happy Pride Month Chat!!!!

AUGH I love this pride month since I know who I am for now! That’s always convenient! /Gen

I’m gonna be sappy under the cut. Feel no obligation to read I just love pride and I get emotion. HAPOY PRIDE MOTNH GUYS AND CHAT!!!

Last year was absolutely dookie in terms of like, my entire year, especially the summer- and what did not help at all I think was starting to question my sexuality and my gender at the same time. During the month of June.

That is when now, as a totally mature one-year-older, I realize that the expectation I was putting on myself last year was very unfair to me! I felt like I needed a label that would dignify my fluid sense of self, like I needed to contain that gooey mess of gobblygook in a cardboard box. Obviously, that did not work.

I realize now that I am a very inconsistent person. I change every day, every minute and every hour. I have grown to adore that part of myself and have taken away certain restricting labels or just. Added some that give me a little breathing room! For example, I used to identity as transmasc. Well shit, I don’t think I’m masc most of the time. Hell, most of the time I am a flamboyant piece of gay garbage and I wear dresses and I am FIXATED ON THIS MAROON DRESS I FOUND AT DILLARDS AND I WANT TO WEAR IT TO PROM SO BAD AND I

But I just identify as simply Trans now, because I like to acknowledge that obviously I am not Cis, but I’m not a man. I could be. I could not be. That’s not up for the courts to decide and god doesn’t even know. Shit sometimes I don’t even identify as trans. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m like wow, what a fine normal Cis boy going about his daily life looking like if mike wheeler’s dad was just a little gayer. As I said it’s all subject to change and I love it.

Last giant paragraph I’m gonna write at 6:29 am on our lord’s June First is about my aromanticism.

Listen to me. I want to put the flag in my mouth. I LOVE THE FLAG SO MUCH. LITERALLY LOOK AT IT THE GREEN THE GREY THE BLACK THE EVERYTHING. GGHUUUUAGHJJJHHHHH.

Okay okay fr. The journey to my wonderful aromantic self was wayyyy harder than it needed to be. I think that in itself makes me appreciate that part of my identity so much more than I appreciate the other parts. Cause I mean, thank god I live in a relatively accepting(?) conservative area, cause when I came out as trans in ye olde sixth grade, people didn’t really question it and I only really had to fight with my health teacher this past year! And that god damn English teacher, yeah, fuck her. No one really even challenges my aromanticism that much cause it’s not as obvious as pronouns or gender- but just that year long agonizing rock climb I had to do last year to figure out that I wasn’t obligated to romantic love makes me so appreciative of myself for sticking through and just. BEING.

And sometimes it makes me sad when people categorize aromantics as the “LOVE IS DEAD” and “IM A LONE WOLF AND I HATE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS” people cause ! That is not me bro! I freaking love romantic relationships I watched Our Flag Means Death and I cried too many times to talk about! And there is absolutely no shame in being an aromantic that has that attitude, but aghhghrhh stereotypes. Aromanticism is a spectrum like anything else. If you’re aromantic, I love you and your identity. Platonically of course. Was that funny

Okay. Okay I should wrap this up

I just love the el gee bee tee community. It’s so cool how people find their identity on purpose and just fucking own it.

Have a happy pride month if you read this novel length spiel, and don’t let some insolent fucko have a say in your identity. Slay!

[lesbianbernardsumner]

I guess its over now, but it couldn’t have been that bad right?! After all, I’m still here, and you all helped me through it!!

alright this is gonna be messy and im not gonna autocorrect/proofread it but heres the essay on why i loved 2020.... While 2020 was, pretty objectively, one of the worst years for modern humanity. The obvious virus and all its, various strands of natural disasters, impending war threat, gender reveal parties, you get the gist. But i would love to just... look back and see how it treated me. See how it ran :). January/Febuary/March - the months are bunched up cause the least amount of stuff happened in them, but thats not to say that the stuff wasnt... good!!!! After all I met my first online friend (that im still friends with of course) @smilez4milez..! I cannot believe you withstood me for so long tbh........... youve been here the whole time!!!! thats obviously an achievemnt!!! Our circumstances for our meeting do not matter... trust me. April - Got my gender transed and i then id’d as demigirl!! and also had a birthday, i turned a whole year..... i believe this was also the time i... started using discord??? yeah, that sounds right :0) May/June - OOOH WEE DISK HOARD AAAAAAAAA. Ahem, Miles got me into Chuck E. Cheese and the Rock-Afire Explosion, i hold those special interests dear and close to my heart. Around the time i also made friends with @teamgay0tix (<3). Miles decided that he was gonna make an animatronic discord server. Titled the Robot Zone, Miles employed Sarah, Me, and another friendo named Teddy as the moderators. Not long after i met... so so many cool and epic people... uh off the top of my head @worthape, @bahrlee, @boredwiththislifetime, @retrowormz, @knave-woods, @verae. Not all of those were met in May/June but yknow gotta save time >:) and im sure im missing someone gdvhbuydhbdyh. WE UH RP’D AS CEC/RAE CHARACTERS!!!!! THAT WAS FUN :)!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE MUCH ELSE TO SAY AS MAY AND JUNE WERE SIMILAR MOTNHS IN TERMS OF FUN. SYHBDREYS. Oh and my laptop broke! So I was on my iPad for about 3 months!! Also my gender got transed AGAIN!!! I then-ID’d as genderfluid :o). July - HI CASPER @arcadecarpetz!!! THIS WAS THE MONTH WE FIRST MET!!! WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT INTERACTION </3. So I got into the beatles late June/early July!! looks at my url lookat how that turned out huh...  Other things that happened during this month include... meeting @lovecore-ashe!!!!! I joined a certain discord server for a certain emoji blog we both happened to follow and... July was great i dunno why im being all stingy with the details etvfertyghdb August - Oh boy!! I discovered some cool epic things about myself (Emp knows.)!! got much better in the art department too!! I believe I also made friemnds with @hmmdotjpg here! They’re cool! Otherwise not much actually happened. Oh and @verae I FUCKING LOVE YOU/p September - HA! Here is when I got my shiny new laptop :), and with it i also got into Clone High!! Started to also get into Yellow Submarine, a movie which, I enjoy :). And a certain yellow submarine insta post got me and @arcadecarpetz to meet again!!! Now we’re on much better terms!! heh-. This month I left the Robot Zone, no matter how much it hurt, I simply didn’t want to be there anymore. I had got way too into animatronics and I was... very... very... burnt out. The final days of this month were good, I rewatched Yellow Submarine after a 10-Year Hiatus. It was good! :) October - SPOOK!!! HA!!! -COUGH- So you know how The Beatles like broke up in 1970... yeah i got into one of the bands made after them.... Wings good. I made a few more drawings for arcadecasper that im especially proud of, uh... OH YEAH AND I MADE A KETCHUP PRIDE FLAG FOR EMPRESS!!!!!!!! It is also now my most popular post! Cool!/gen .Two of my friends approached me and said they got into the beatles because of me that was pretty swagchamp. November - All of my memories from this month are MUSH. i literally dont remember what happened <3... oh wait yeah we got hte evil man out of office... that was preddy epic... OH RIGHT DESTIEL- December - My favorite season!! The end of the year was pretty swell. It was like everything good that happened to me was settling, getting cozier, just... being better. Like gently stirring the salt in a soup bowl... okay thats a weird analogy- I got into lemon demon too! And uh very glad i did. cause now i can say that cabinet man wishes you a karkalicious 2009 and i can actually understand it./j And all the lessons from all my friends I (probably indirectly) learnt this year... Like @smilez4milez!! You taught me to always be proud and glad!!! @teamgay0tix you taught me that affection always overpowers hatred. @boredwiththislifetime, no matter what your friend is doing, as long as its not hurting anyone, support them!!! @bahrlee, become a vampire/j. @hmmdotjpg, changing for yourself is more important than becoming someone you arent in front of other people. @worthape i dunno... i... bugs???? Im just glad you were here too :). @retrowormz you kinda just made me funnier!!! @knave-woods bro i literally idolize you tsygvfbsyh. @lovecore-ashe, drink ketchup and dont give a shit about what everyone else thinks/hj!! @verae, !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DUNNO WHAT TO SAY YOURE LITERALLY JUST MY BEST FRIEND GSYHVFTEYWSH and of course, last but most certainly not least, Casper @arcadecarpetz WHERE DO I START ON HOW EPIC AND SWAG AND POGGERS YOU ARE AND HOW GREAT YOU HELPED MAKE THESE LAST FEW MONTHS... HHM- Well, maybe ill just leave it at “You pretty much taught me how to not be a jerk” okay!!! Man i got really sappy here wgvrtedgyshb I’m not sure if any of that is comprehensible!!! Its 2pm and i still havent actually started the day, but i wanted to write all of this down before it left my head. I know im missing probably important stuff but yknow... i have brainworms :O/j You are all... so cool... i just wanted to get that out...

[tinyorangepotato]

I'm constantly so needy and jealous and I'm glad I don't (at leats I think I dont) show it because god that would be annoying. this is the first time in actually a little while since I have been unable to sleep when I wnat to (usually around 12 or 1. it's now 2:30 and ive tried to sleep) and im awake and energetic while being sleepy and if someone walked up to me and said hey let's go take a walk and chat, I would be so down to join. I just wanna talk but the one person who I would enjoy talking to will probably be back awake in 2 hours and hopefully I'm not still awake by then because I got work in the morning and I alreayd suck at waking up and now I'm going to sleep even later than usual.

anyqyas back to the main topic, God I just want to cuddle or hang out and watch a show or just lay down and chat and hang out with someone and I should've been selfish earlier when he got us in a vc but wanted to go to sleep at 9 but I can't. there's no reason for me to insist on staying talking other than I wanted to and I know he would be sleepy so not talking as much and has ti wake up earlier than I do and do more intense work which he gets almsot no break from and so he needs his sleep but what about me (that's sarcasm(proabbyl the wrong word). I'm not that needy... maybe)

but like one of my friends will go to a Halloween party and have a fun time and run around and drink and shit meanwhile I fucking wish. God im just so envious of anything and everything always. I wish I wasn't always the driver but I'm the only one of my friend group that can drive and make plans. i wish I had other people I liked to hang out with because , again, I'm the planner of my group and I dotn host parties or whatever and I just wanna feel like the movies show. where you go to a party (it doesn't even have to be like a huge one like how 21 jumpstreet has it or whayever) and hang out with peope and do crazy ish things and drink and run and jump on a tire swing (that's what I'm friend did) and man. I just want ti have fun. other people do either with getting new things so starting a new hobby or getting into a new show and talking about it constantly or going out somewhere and not having to worry about everything.

I don't know where I'm going with this. but fuck I want things. I'm now putting aside all of ym paychecks except a full tank of gas (fill up when I get paid) and 50 dollars for getitng food when at work or any emergencies. I have been giving myself like 150 but I realized how much I owe while also still trying to save up for a place which I think jm the only of the two of us saving but that's okay because he makes more and will be paying for more things and he's already actually paying for his car insurance and all that while I'm not so I can afford to be broke when I get paid.

I owe like 5k still for my teeth (it's all just paying back care credit and I think I ahve 10 more motnhs to do it but im paying like 300 everyone month and I get only around 1k every month. so hopefully I'll be saving around 600 every month).looked at places and even the cheapest trailer was still a down payment of around 7k menawhike ive got not even 3 saved up and my dad still owes me that 1600 but he's been having a rough time even in his new better job so that's still gonna be a while.

and once we do get the place, I'll have to buy a mattress and dresser and all that shit becaus ei don't ahve fucking anything. hell I don't even have my own 4 walls to kepe anything at the moment. I got a second technically 3rd) job but that pays like shit. it was legit paying minimum wage so not even 9 dollars a d I've made 70 bucks the first pay period I've worked there (2 weeks) which is dogshit. for 8 fucking hours. at my first, better job, I would've made close to 120 with taxes removed. but I cant fucking get mor ehours there because of my fucjing aunt

I love her and I like to help out and she's the onyl reason I have a car and insurance (car insurance thay is) and have food every day but god damn. Sunday Tuesday and Friday I pick up carry out and then go to her place from like 11-3 (it's fairly random hut usually fits w8thin that time). so it's not like i can work more at job 1 seeing as they close at 6 and thay extra 2 and a half hours is not worth driving there and back. so I got another job but I've barely been scheduled and when I have it's been times I alreayd said I can not do. so I gotta pick up others shifts but my brain says "or you cna ignore the message and watch youtube" so that's usually what I do.

I wish I had a more simple schedule. even if I went to my aunts like 7-11 or at night it would work better but she's nto awake rhay early and she goes to lay down at around 6 so the time we have rn is the best time. but it fucks everything.

hell I would be more happy if I even just had a room to myself. that's all I want. please. even my friend who doesn't have a mattress to sleep on has a room and privacy and now 3 kittens constantly interacting with them and fuck. I qant soemthing for myself. I'm legit signing up for Doordash just so I can make a few extra bucks when I got ahit else to do.

I just want and need and fuck man im not gonan ever say it to anyone because I'm constantly like this and it's irrational and selfish so I'll keep it to myself to not harm anything. I'm a possessive and needy can't but no one will know because I push it down because it won't do any good to let it out.

(also really doesn't help rhat I am spending a few hundred on Christmas present for my friends but shhhh that's how I show love I guess so it's okay)

[lubdubsworld]

Bird Bones ( Jung Hoseok/OC)

Prologue

It was seven in the morning. 

A thursday, which meant that my classes weren’t due to start for a couple of hours. The apartment was eerily silent, which meant my cat ( a very vague term, because I never adopted her. She just showed up one evening and never left.) was probably still out. there was a cat flap on the door and maybe she was out hunting for rats again. 

I stared at the chipped paint on the ceiling, the bit of plaster that hung precariously threatening to drop on my bed any second. The paint was peeling, the metal knobs on the door were rusting and the leaky faucet was wasting a few thousand gallons of water every year but no one cared all that much. Neither did i. My job at the coffee shop didn’t pay me much. I couldn’t afford a penthouse, could I? 

Besides, I had the place to myself. No annoying roommate. No sexiles. 

it was perfect for an introverted outcast.

Ergo, me. 

I curled my fingers on the threadbare blanket, the ratty mattress squeaking as i leveraged myself out of the bed and glanced, almost nervously at the small clock.I felt tired, groggy and my limbs hurt . It felt like i hadn’t slept at all. Maybe I’d read it wrong. maybe it was still 11:00 PM and I hadn’t really fallen asleep. 

But the steadily blinking light was clear in the darkness of the room. 7.00Am Aug 8 , Thursday.

I felt an odd sort of misery, the tugging of nerves in the deepest places inside my body. My teeth chattered as i climbed out of the warmth of the blanket and into the chilly emptiness of the bedroom. The heating had stopped working months ago. i shivered a little before moving to the cupboard right outside the bathroom. I pulled it open, staring for a second at the brown paper bag. I grabbed it quickly and moved slowly to the bathroom. 

The calendar hung right next to the sink . I stared at it for a second eyes drawn to the garish red circle around one of the dates.

 8 May . 

The last time i had my period. 

Swallowing, I grabbed the pregnancy test. By all accounts , i should have done this sooner. Three months sooner. But i was a coward and last week, i realized that my stomach was bulging out, pushing into the waistline of my jeans. I’d spent the last three months in denial. 

Now it was just time to face the music. 

I ripped open the package and fumbled when two of the tests fell down. i half hoped they broke but clearly they hadn’t. 

The instructions were clear. Apparently mornings were the best time. My bladder was already killing me. 

It was a relatively simple process, considering how complicated it was going to make the rest of my life. 

Fifteen minutes later, I stood under the shower, completely lost. i felt like bursting out into hysterical laughter because did shit like this happen in real life? Who knew?! 

It was instinctive, the urge to call the other party involved in this whole debacle. 

The father. 

 Except that I didn’t know the father.

At least not enough to actually find him again. 

 It had been a drunk mistake, in one of the worst  parties of the year. i’d been intoxicated and lost and completely smashed and i had slept with the tall, handsome dancer. Let him do postitively illegal things to me in a closet. 

At the time it had been fun. One of the best i’d ever had. 10/10 would bang again. Would have banged again if I’d had his number or something. 

Except I couldn’t even remember his name. 

in the past three motnhs , i hadn’t seen him again which wasn’t all that surprising. Our college was huge and the Arts and science departments were miles apart. i was a chemistry major and he was a dance major. 

And really, my knowledge of him stopped there :

1. He was tall.

2. He had a really handsome face, killer jawline, beautiful nose and the prettiest smile. 

3. He was a dance major who knew exactly how to use his hips. 

4. i was pregnant with his baby. 

Oh, fuck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : I don’t know what this is ... I don’t even know if I’ll continue this... i just... fuck me... this scene got stuck in my head so i wanted to write it.. You guys think this has any potential? 

[shakealittle]

I haven’t done any update in a long time so here it is.

I’m somewhere over 7 months and 1 week on T.

My voice has changed (I once answered my dad’s phone when my step mum was calling and she thought I was him. nice.) buuuut I sometimes don’t hear it at all which sucks. I’m turning into a bear. I mean... probably not, but... I most likely have more hair on my back and shoulders than I have on my face. I feel like nothing new grows on my face. n-o-t-h-i-n-g. I need to buy more minoxidil. Cause yeah, I’ve been using that for 2 motnhs but had to stop... Anyways. I gotta post comparison pics for y’all to... review for me. cause I sure as hell can’t see a fucking difference. and it’s so annoyinng.

9 out of 10 times people refer to me per sir/young man, those times when they don’t and I get misgendered, those times ruin my entire day(s). It has happened A LOT in the past 2-3 weeks and I have no idea why. That may be a reson why I feel like utter and complete shit. Well... That and the fact that I have lost my job and for all the resumes I’ve sent, literally no one had called back. Oh, and I’ve failed school. I have to get back for one semester in September so I’ll be writing this big exam - matura - next year (it’s like... A levels kinda sorta thingy). That one led my family to make all sort of jokes and they haven’t held back on all the comments on how much of a disappointment I am to them. And I received this... It’s some kind of a ticket, yeah, let’s call it like that... Anyway... I do have to pay it. I don’t even have 1/10 of the amount. I have to, once again, borrow money from my mum. I don’t want to check how much money I owe her...

What else... Back acne is still a thing. I think it’s mostly thanks to the binder. I’m still so grateful I don’t have it on my face, you’ve no idea. After I do my shot I’m a walking horny machine, I hate it. Speaking of shots! I hadn’t had problems with doing them at first. Boom and it’s done. Now though I can’t do them for the life of me. I mean... I do, in the end, but it’s slow and so sooo painful. I don’t know why, but I have this mental block to stick that motherfucking needle into my thigh. Sometimes it takes over 10 minutes and I’m always this close to say fuck it all, I can’t do that, fuck it. I need to do something about it, but I honestly don’t know what....

About my legal name change... Because I’ve failed school I’m scared shitless my doctor will refuse writing me this medical opinion for the judge. That’s 10 points for Anxiety. Oh yes, my old friends anxiety and panic attacks. OH HOW HAVE I MISSED THEM. All these problems and my life basically falling apart brought back my anxiety BIG TIME. That caused panic attacks on daily basis. That led to skin hypersensitivity. That led to dysphoria. And that led to not going outside my flat. Combine ALL of that and you have my depression acting up again. So yeah, I’ve been so down these couple of weeks I almost relapsed after about 620 days of being clean, not cutting and actively thinking about suicide. I feel everythng bubbling up inside me and I don’t know when I’m going to explode but I know it will happen. I had so many anger outbursts. I despise them with all my being. I also drink way more than I should.

And to think I had been doing alright...

So yeah... Not only I don’t see/feel any changes, I also feel like shit.. Good times.

[fandomfictions-journal]

to introduce this. im Fandom Fiction, or Conf. I usually go by the latter. This is, my ‘writing shitdump’. Nothing here is tagged, nothing will ever be linked to this. If someone finds it, dear god, but like, you had to dig so good job. Or you stumbled into it and have no idea what im on about. Tumblr is a weird place. but i digress. 

Ill begin with saying this is gonna be depressing as fuck cause its meant to just be where i dump/ramble about shit to get it off my chest to maybe help myself get over things. so fuck it. your warned. 

im conf. i work a midnight shift stocking at walmart, and im a fan of almost everything, i say that not exaggerating. yogscast, rooster teeth, a lot of anime and tv shows, cartoons like adventure time, rick and morty, all kind of shit. im into every fandom in at least a small way. 

i used to pride myself in being easy going and care free, but well, b ythe paragraphs above you can probably guess thats all gone tits up. i started playing on a mianite fan server after binging 40 hours of streams in 3 days. there i met someone ill just call Red. no relation to name or usernames. we were put in some tough spots together due to some shit that went down story wise, with us robbing the most powerful players in the server of over 800 hours of grinded items. these tight spots facilitated a need for direct communication, so we started skyping and shit and talking for like 10 hours a day. that kind of lead to us both getting crushes on one another but we were too dumb to say anything. 

i let it sit too long and she moved on, which fucked me up a lot, but fuckin life so i tried moving on too. thats when i met someone ill call Ears, again no relaion to name or username. she had a crush on me that i didnt know about for ages cause im dense as fuck, but eventually with help from Red she set up an elaborate item hunt to reveal it to me, and we started dating. was awesom, i was starting to feel like my old self again, we talked for 10-ish hours a day every day for almost 9 months straight, we never fought, we always got along and had the same interests and sense of humor. 

i was going through a rough patch because my grandma died, and i stopped talking to her at all for around a month. i was just not interested in anything at all for that time, games, youtube, movies, anything. we started talking again, but i had a feeling things were just, not going well. i found out she had erped with a few people, which, we played on an RP server so its like, all IC and its multiplayer lego so who cares, but it kind of ate at me. i convinced myself it was stupid and trivial an that i had no right be to upset over it, which was a bad move, it made things so much worse. i kept up the act mostly though, acting like i was fine. but it all went to shit at once, she broke up with me out of the blue (it felt like), a bunch of friends destroyed all my work and left, telling me to kill myself and shit repeatedly, everythign just fell apart. 

i held on, rebuilding more out of spite than anything, but once that wore off i was just left kind of mechanical. i did my usual things, continued working o nthe server, but it was hollow. i stayed that way for about 6 months, but eventually Ears came back, she had genuinly missed me and wanted to get back together aftersome time just talking and being social again. i had internalized too much shit over the last 8 months though, i was a bit of a wreck. i kept up the illusion of happiness still, but i could never make myself break down and tell her.

i finally did start to really let it g othough. my constant doubts about not being good enough, or that shewould leave again faded until i had convinced myself everything was back to how it had been. then of course life has to come in and kick me in the dick. she left me again, it wasnt as bad this time though, we are still friends even now, though i still cant make myself open up about any of this. but it was like the rug was pulled out from under me as i was just getting my footing. and it fucking sucks. 

its been another 6 motnhs and im still, a mess. normally with these things, its in waves. so ill be depressed then fine then depressed then fine etc. it slowly gets better. this time its kind of just, slowly gotten worse to the point that im like, really fucking bad off. i cant hold conversations for more thn a few minutes, i space out, i dont eat, or sleep.. the only thing ive eaten in the last, 50 hours ish, is a small bowl of reheated chicken noodle and 3 hershey’s kisses. 

every time istart feeling better i randomly just become even worse than i was before, ive like, thought about how i could probably OD on ibuprofen and nobody would find me for a day or so.  had to put real effort into, not..

i just, wanted to... do this because i feel like putting things out there in writing can help. can make it feel like ive vented even if noboy hears. i can just scream into the void and fucking hope it works. or some edgy shit. 

ive got no motivation to do literally anything so im like fucking willing to try literllally fucking anything. 

fuck me, thats the story so far. catchy upy venty bullshit. i just want to go back to how i was before. cause fuck this this sucks. 

-conf 

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #7

Hi. So. much. has. happened.

Let me just start where I left off. I actually can't remember when exactly that was but whatever. So we’re in march. Nothing really happened in march. I did not have much contact with L anymore, just from time to time we were messaging. At the beginning of march it was this one girl’s 18th birthday and we all gathered together and celebrated. F and S and all the other guys and friends were there as well. I don't know why but my attention was always drawn towards F. He talked to me a little bit and also sat next to me for some time. The next day I just drove around for like two hours and sat next to a river to think about everything that has happened. I came to the conclusion that I have to get over F or I’m just gonna go crazy. I have to focus on school. Thats the main priority right now because finals were close. In the middle of march it was F’s birthday. Some friends and I spent the night before with him so we could say happy birthday at midnight. Then when he was finally allowed to drive on his own, we all just drove around the city for a bit. the next day (his actual birthday) he spent with me and S (the love triangle - fun). We drove to this bigger city and went shopping. The trip was really fun. A week after his birthday on friday I was hanging out with the guys again. And I don't know how or why or what but F was acting so strange towards me. He touched me the whole time and fooled around with me. The next day the same thing and he even wanted to drive with me in my car when we all drove around.

 Then on sunday. Out of fucking nowhere he messaged me and asked me if I wanted to get Ice cream with him. CAN U FUCKING BELIEVE THAT. AFTER 4 MOTNHS. JESUS CHRIST. So since my dad doesn't really like him (thats another story) and doesn't want me to drive with others I wasn't so sure if he should pick me up. But F really wanted to pick me up. And he did. And it was great. We got ice cream and it was so cute and it was such a great date. First I was not really sure if it even was supposed to be a date because officially we've only been friends but - I don't know - it was always kind of weird between us. So during the week we also hung out a couple of times and F didn't tell S anything about it - I knew that that was a bad idea - . I even drove to the city with F because he was getting his tattoo, and we just had such a great, great time. I hate texting with him but hanging out with him is so much fun. Then once we were hanging out and S asked him where F is and he lied to him about it. So i already knew this was not gonna go down well. Then there was this theatre we all went to and S was already pissed that F was picking me up. So at the theatre everything was already kinda tense. Afterwards S said that he would drive me home. I knew what was coming. He was asking me what was going on between me and F and if we were together and if I had feelings for him (keep in mind he already asked me that in january and I said no) and i was like “I’m not sure”. He finally dropped me off and me and him and him and F argued over the phone. Since then everything has been kinda shit between me, F and S. 

However, me and F have been hanging out every. single. day. He even came to my house and it became a routine to watch a movie every evening. I never really thought that we would have much in common but he told me about his dreams and that he wants to travel and explore. I just started to gain feelings for him even more. He also started getting closer to me, he started touching my leg and even holding my hand. One evening he tried to kiss me and I swear it was the most awkward thing in the world. We were just kinda laying there and he was moving towards me really slowly and gently but I didn't really want to, or at least I was not really sure. I even could feel his heart beating, it was beating so fast. Then after like 5 minutes of trying he gave up and told me that he’s never been this nervous before. Then he tried again but gave up again. Then out of nowhere he just kissed me. And I didn't mind it. Since then we just kissed everyday but we never really talked about feelings or if we’re together or not. Since then we’ve just been hanging out everyday and kissing and getting closer.

Now we’ve officially decided that we’re together and that our day would be the 24.04.17. You know whats great? Even my parents like him a lot. 

Also side note: F and me still have not talked with S since the theatre. And also the trip to croatia is canceled now (obviously) but me and F are flying to tenerife instead. 

Also another update: I’m almost done with my final exams. I have my last one tomorrow and I will get my results on friday. Then I’m finally free and can do whatever the hell I want for 4 months.

About F tho. I really do have a lot of feelings for him. We have done so many fun things together already and I love being together with him. He makes me a better person. I’m so much more happy. And even though I had my finals at the same time I still managed to study enough and spend time with him. I can really see myself being together with him for a long time. 

Also another side note: He told me that he’s had feelings for me since I drew the tattoo for him. HA. 

He also told me the day before he asked me out, he dreamt about me.

Anyways, never give up on anything. I haven't had a boyfriend or my first kiss until I was 18 1/2. And now I’m madly in love and just out of nowhere everything happened after all this other bullshit that I had to deal with.