blurrybethny

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #8

So I’m gonna start this entry the same way I did in the last post.

So. MUCH. has. happened. like so much

okey, so since the last post, it’s almost been 2 years. Isn’t that crazy, 2 years. Well, the main reason for that has been F. So let’s just start where we left of.

So we’re in May or something now, and I finally finished my finals and got my results which where incredibly great. So with that result I had the chance to apply to the University of my dreams for the major Online-Media-Management. I thought that it would be great to make Instagram and Facebook to your Job. So meanwhile, I was still hanging out with F everyday, and since I already finished my finals, F was allowed to sleep at my place. 

Now we are at the end of June and it is my high school prom which I have been exited about, I had a beautiful long, blue dress and F was wearing a really handsome suit. The funny thing was the next morning at 6am we had to catch out flight to Tenerife. So F was drinking kind of a bit of alcohol at my prom and at like 1 or 2am we drove back to my place and slept for like an hour and then headed to the airport.

We’re in July now, for 10 days we had the greatest vacation ever. The whole time we did what we wanted, the explored the whole city with a scooter und took many pictures. On one of the days we went up to the biggest mountain of Tenerife and then WALKED down it. We were almost on the ground again, when we lost track of the path and kinda got lost. But at the end we came back home safely. On another day we drove to this cool looking beach, it was really windy tho and the sand was hurting so much when it hit you skin. On one of the last days we drove to an animal park, which was also a great experience.

Just 2 weeks later, me and my mom flew to Los Angeles for kind of a road trip with a bigger group of tourists. The trip was really great because we explored LA, Hollywood, Las Vegas, San Francisco and other nice towns and sights. That was really one of my biggest dreams to travel through a part of the US. Honestly, at the beginning of the trip I missed F so much, and we talked everyday on the phone. I also was getting really angry at him, because at the beginning he seemed like he didn’t miss me at all and he went to two parties where he was having fun and getting drunk. And I also got quite jealous, because I was scared he would make a mistake with another girl. 

So we’re in August now, and I came back home from the US trip and F and my dad picked us up from the air port and I was so excited so see him again. Also btw during the trip I got the message that they accepted me at the university I wanted to go to. So I was really happy about that. And because of that, now it was the time to search for a flat near the university, because it is actually 300km away from my hometown. The question that was upcoming now was, if F would move with me or not. And he said to me that he would move to anywhere I was. Which was really sweet of him and I was so happy about that. Now we had to search for a flat with at least 2 rooms. The search was kinda difficult because the flats where really expensive up there and especially in the middle of the city. However, my mom finally found one that was having a visitors day, so we drove up to the city and visited the flat. The flat already had furniture in it and it was not the prettiest. After that we kind of spontaneously drove to another flat that was also having a visitor day the same day, but there were no pictures on the internet. So we got there and the landlord was really nice, the little town was pretty and quiet and the flat was light and had no furniture in it. So we drove back home and the same day, the landlord from the first flat denied our request. However, the one from the second flat, sent my mom an email the next day, that the flat was ours!! So the renovating began. We drove up there on the weekends again to paint the walls and buy furniture. It was a lot of fun.

September. Not a lot happened in September, at least I can’t remember it. The only thing was, that it was my 19th birthday and I really wanted to go to a club, so we went to the club. I was wearing a really sexy dress obviously. Then we only stayed until 1am and left again because it was kinda boring and I felt a little sick. So, surprise surprise, on my birthday I was sick. 

October. At the beginning of October, a week before Uni officially started my major had a kick-off to get to know the other students and teachers. I was really confident in myself and ambitious to meet new people and hopefully make some friends. The first day, started not that bad, I picked up 3 other girls to drive to the meeting place. There I got to know other girls as well. I actually talked with almost everybody - which is not common for me - and still groups were already forming and I was left behind. I kind of thought that I was getting closer to some girls, but they always left and did other stuff and I’m just not the type of girl to run after everybody. So even there I was sitting alone sometime. And I was turning into an outsider more and more because me and another girl were the only ones not drinking. It was also annoying for me because they played all kinds of drinking games and that’s just not my thing. The next day was not so great because I just felt uncomfortable and left out. The evening was even worse, I felt even more left out, and I felt so sad because I missed F so much and I just wanted to be home. I was really glad when the 3 days were over. Overall, the start of the major was not bad, I kind of liked the subjects - however, I was still the odd one out all the time, because everybody already had a friends group and everybody is just shallow - I also started to get better friends with the other girl that was not drinking alcohol and we actually had quite a few things in common. I even invited her for a sleepover once and we initially wanted to watch Riverdale but we ended up talking about all kinds of stuff. Since then she is like the only one I really talk to. 

The following months until February were not really exciting. It was a really hard time for me because during the week I was all alone in my flat and I only saw F on the weekends and holidays. I literally cried every time we had to say goodbye. Also during that time, we had a lot of fights because when we talked over video call he usually fell a sleep which made me angry. And also when we saw each other on the weekends, he still had stuff to do or met up with people or even had to work Saturday and Sunday. This things always made me really angry and frustrated because I was all alone the whole time, I just wanted to spend time with him on the weekends and then he would have even less time. Sometimes we had really heavy fights where he really hurt me with his words. I know that I was not always fair to him and how I reacted, but he also never understood me. What I maybe have to add here is that, since F this one fight between me, S and F after the theatre the friendship between the two guys and between me and S was kind of over. So in August F told me that S was diagnosed with cancer. In the following months F and S started to talk again and meet up, which I was happy about because they have been friends for a long time and I felt really guilty that I was the reason for the breakup of this friendship. Also for new years eve we planned a bigger party because S wanted it to. It was not too bad, and I was really glad about the fact that S was talking to me again, because I missed being friends with him. In the following months there were ups and downs with his health.

February. Most of this month F and me spent in Thailand because his mom is from Thailand. However, this vacation was probably the worst one I have ever had. First, everything was just new to me and I met a lot of new people I could not talk to because they only spoke Thai, then another thing was that F did not really keep me in mind because this was his second home and everything was just normal for him but not for me. Especially the missing hygiene and the weird food. Also I got pretty sick with fever and everything and I had to go to the hospital for two days. After that I still stayed home a bit and F always wanted to go fishing at night. And I was just so frustrated about him because I was still exhausted from the sickness and he did not really pay attention to me and always got angry at me because I didn’t want to leave the house and I always started crying. So I basically did not leave the house for two days, when we finally got together again. The last few days were the best of the whole holiday because he finally adapted his actions to my needs. 

March. F finally moved in with me because his education for his job finally ended, so he had to find a job up here. It took quite a while but he finally found a job which he likes. Also I got the results of my first semester’s tests and they were all really great actually. 

April. We finally had our one year anniversary for which we went out on a date.

May. F, me and his family drove to Hungary for a weekend trip which was also okey. But I prefer the alone time between F and me. In Uni, I finally started to become kind of friends with two other girls, and we also formed a group for a school project, however, one of the girls quite uni during that.

June. This is the month of S’s death day. I was so sorry for F, because they were finally best friends again and it seemed to get better. I was also in shock because I just couldn’t image S not being here anymore, to never see him again. 

July. Not much happened in this month, except that I had my finals and I applied for a job that I could do over the summer break, and I actually got one in a cafe not far from my flat. Also the other girl I was talking about, that I thought I was also kinda getting friends with, switched to another major at the end of the semester. So again, I had no friends.

August. I worked the whole month in this cafe, and it was actually so much fun, because I did not have to think about school and it was just something different for me. Also my coworkers were really nice and funny.

September. I had my last week to work, and everybody was telling me how much they would miss me and that I was the best worker here for the summer and why I can't stay, and honestly this makes me so proud, because I never thought I would be so good in this job. After the last week in work, F and me drove to Hungary again because we wanted to have some vacation and also work on the house his parents have there. After we got back home, F and his friend B planned a kind of funeral for S, because since his death there has not been a funeral. The “party” was really nice and emotionally. For me it was really hard because until then I always tried to ignore my thoughts and feelings about this topic because I had to be strong for F. But at this day everything was just coming up. A few days later we drove back to our flat.

October. The 3rd semester of my university was starting. After only the first week, I knew there was a lot a head of me. - short cut, because I have to tell a backstory to what's following, so I’ve always wanted a dog since I have been a kid and F also always wanted a dog, for the past year I was pretty obsessed with pugs, then I was obsessed with french bulldogs because they’re just cute. Back in January we already talked about this topic with my mom and she just said that me and F have not been together for so long and that we would talk about this another time. So until October we were kinda over this topic already.- But on one day where we both were home, he brought the topic back up and just for information purposes he searched for people, that were selling french bulldog puppies. On the same day, we were driving to there place - keep in mind we just wanted to ask them how much space the puppies would need, how much affection and just general stuff. - But oh my god, the puppies were so cute and adorable. When they said the dogs only need around 50-60 square meters, I was initially in the mode of picking my favorite puppy (our flat has 56 square meters). On the way home we both knew that we would be getting a dog. When we drove home, F called our landlord and asked him, if it would be okey if we would get a dog and I called my mom to tell her all the facts, because against that she would not be able to say something against it.  She was not impressed but also not angry, so I was like okey let’s get a dog. The next day, we drove to the breeders again to pick our puppy. I originally said that I would either want a grey or spotted one - they had both - however, the spotted ones were not that pretty. So we had to make the decision between a lazy fat black one or a quirky playful grey one. Characteristically, we would more be like the black one, but I wanted to have the grey one so we could play a lot. So there you have it, within two days, we made the decision to get a dog and already picked out a puppy. Four weeks later, we would be able to pick him up.

November. The time has finally come, and we were able to pick up our puppy and bring him home. He was really, great. He was not scared of anything and he was also not crying a lot. It was so funny to watch him run around and play and jump. Back then he was so little, you can't even imagine. But he’s also a lot of work, at the beginning he peed and pooped into the flat which was not so great. Another topic: Uni. During October and November I did not have the best time in uni, because there were so many things I did not understand and I was exhausted and it was just so much that I was not even interested in. I was so stressed out, I had a break down almost everyday because of the tasks we had to do. I was also considering, switching to another major that was about marketing and advertisement. Because I was way more interested in that kind of stuff. However, the problem was the timing, because the semester had just started, so I either had to finish this semester anyways or I would stop right now and then do nothing until March, which my mom would not allow. And if it was the first option, I would already been done with 3 Semesters, and if I would switch to another major I would have to start at zero again. I also saw, that the major I wanted to switch to had really shity times to be at uni, and with our puppy it was better if I was the most time at home. So it was a really shit time for me, because I wanted to switch but then I would be even longer in Uni. But also a reason, why I wanted to switch was that in my major I did not really have any friends and I was just hoping that I would maybe gain some new friends in the other major. So it was the first weekend that we drove home with the puppy because also my grandpa had died and the funeral was on a Friday. When we got home I noticed that my mom was annoyed the whole time. - my dad was in love with the puppy tho - so the funeral was pretty sad and I could not believe that my grandpa was gone now. It was for the better tho, because his health got worse, sometimes he would not even remember me and his body was just shutting down. At the funeral I also had to think of S, and that I lost two people this year. The day after, me and my parents talked about a lot of things. First, me and my dad about the houses and some stuff and that I would get one of the houses. And then all together about why my mom was so angry about the dog and yea. Then I told her the situation about the decision I would want to make considering the major and obviously she was not happy about it. Like she's paying my rent and everything. So her condition was that, if I would switch, I would have to find a mini-job during the semester. So that was not really optional because I would have to do so much for uni itself. So I got over the idea and said to myself that I just have to live through it. 

December. I’m still here in my original major and I finally found peace with it because now I’m almost done with everything and the things don’t seem impossible anymore. But I’m really glad that this semester is over soon, because I hate everything about it. I also feel really uncomfortable in the lessons again, because I always sit next to the girl - from the very beginning I’m still friends with her - but she always wants to sit in the front which means that it is always just me and her in the front and everybody else is always behind us. Which I feel so uncomfortable about. It is also always really awkward when we have to build groups of 4 or something because then it always us two outsiders and usually two other outsiders. - Just so you know, I have nothing against foreign people, like my boyfriend is half Thai - but these other two outsiders are from russia I think, and they have this strong accent and because I already worked together with them and I sit with them, I think I am also considered an outsider and I feel so uncomfortable with that. Also another thing that’s been on my mind lately is, that the relationship between me and F is getting quite dry and boring because we just have our routine and there is nothing exciting anymore. It’s also really difficult to change this, because our routines are fixed because of work and uni but also because every time I talked with F about our relationship and that I want more love and affection, he does it for like two days and then it’s just like how it was before that. And this is so frustrating. I just want the feelings from the start again, where everything was exciting and new. Like he is still my favorite person and I prefer spending time with him over being alone or with someone else, but this is probably the problem why it is so boring. I just need a friend or an activity without him, so when I come back I’m excited to see him. Or we need a new routine, I just don’t know honestly. Last but not least, on Saturday we are finally driving home for the christmas break which I’m excited for because I don’t have uni for two weeks and yea. Also we maybe celebrate New Years Eve at my place which is also exciting, because I never really had a party at my place. Also another thing, in February and March next year I will be working at the coffee shop again which I am very excited for. I am also really excited for the next semester because then we will do a lot of marketing stuff and media production which I’m really interested in. - One last thing, last weekend F, two of his friends and I drove over 1000km on one day to look at a car F wanted to buy and guess what he bought it. But it is a crash car so he has to work on it still before he can drive it. Also our puppy is getting bigger and bigger and I am such a proud mommy.

- See you probably in 4 years

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #7

Hi. So. much. has. happened.

Let me just start where I left off. I actually can't remember when exactly that was but whatever. So we’re in march. Nothing really happened in march. I did not have much contact with L anymore, just from time to time we were messaging. At the beginning of march it was this one girl’s 18th birthday and we all gathered together and celebrated. F and S and all the other guys and friends were there as well. I don't know why but my attention was always drawn towards F. He talked to me a little bit and also sat next to me for some time. The next day I just drove around for like two hours and sat next to a river to think about everything that has happened. I came to the conclusion that I have to get over F or I’m just gonna go crazy. I have to focus on school. Thats the main priority right now because finals were close. In the middle of march it was F’s birthday. Some friends and I spent the night before with him so we could say happy birthday at midnight. Then when he was finally allowed to drive on his own, we all just drove around the city for a bit. the next day (his actual birthday) he spent with me and S (the love triangle - fun). We drove to this bigger city and went shopping. The trip was really fun. A week after his birthday on friday I was hanging out with the guys again. And I don't know how or why or what but F was acting so strange towards me. He touched me the whole time and fooled around with me. The next day the same thing and he even wanted to drive with me in my car when we all drove around.

 Then on sunday. Out of fucking nowhere he messaged me and asked me if I wanted to get Ice cream with him. CAN U FUCKING BELIEVE THAT. AFTER 4 MOTNHS. JESUS CHRIST. So since my dad doesn't really like him (thats another story) and doesn't want me to drive with others I wasn't so sure if he should pick me up. But F really wanted to pick me up. And he did. And it was great. We got ice cream and it was so cute and it was such a great date. First I was not really sure if it even was supposed to be a date because officially we've only been friends but - I don't know - it was always kind of weird between us. So during the week we also hung out a couple of times and F didn't tell S anything about it - I knew that that was a bad idea - . I even drove to the city with F because he was getting his tattoo, and we just had such a great, great time. I hate texting with him but hanging out with him is so much fun. Then once we were hanging out and S asked him where F is and he lied to him about it. So i already knew this was not gonna go down well. Then there was this theatre we all went to and S was already pissed that F was picking me up. So at the theatre everything was already kinda tense. Afterwards S said that he would drive me home. I knew what was coming. He was asking me what was going on between me and F and if we were together and if I had feelings for him (keep in mind he already asked me that in january and I said no) and i was like “I’m not sure”. He finally dropped me off and me and him and him and F argued over the phone. Since then everything has been kinda shit between me, F and S. 

However, me and F have been hanging out every. single. day. He even came to my house and it became a routine to watch a movie every evening. I never really thought that we would have much in common but he told me about his dreams and that he wants to travel and explore. I just started to gain feelings for him even more. He also started getting closer to me, he started touching my leg and even holding my hand. One evening he tried to kiss me and I swear it was the most awkward thing in the world. We were just kinda laying there and he was moving towards me really slowly and gently but I didn't really want to, or at least I was not really sure. I even could feel his heart beating, it was beating so fast. Then after like 5 minutes of trying he gave up and told me that he’s never been this nervous before. Then he tried again but gave up again. Then out of nowhere he just kissed me. And I didn't mind it. Since then we just kissed everyday but we never really talked about feelings or if we’re together or not. Since then we’ve just been hanging out everyday and kissing and getting closer.

Now we’ve officially decided that we’re together and that our day would be the 24.04.17. You know whats great? Even my parents like him a lot. 

Also side note: F and me still have not talked with S since the theatre. And also the trip to croatia is canceled now (obviously) but me and F are flying to tenerife instead. 

Also another update: I’m almost done with my final exams. I have my last one tomorrow and I will get my results on friday. Then I’m finally free and can do whatever the hell I want for 4 months.

About F tho. I really do have a lot of feelings for him. We have done so many fun things together already and I love being together with him. He makes me a better person. I’m so much more happy. And even though I had my finals at the same time I still managed to study enough and spend time with him. I can really see myself being together with him for a long time. 

Also another side note: He told me that he’s had feelings for me since I drew the tattoo for him. HA. 

He also told me the day before he asked me out, he dreamt about me.

Anyways, never give up on anything. I haven't had a boyfriend or my first kiss until I was 18 1/2. And now I’m madly in love and just out of nowhere everything happened after all this other bullshit that I had to deal with.

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #6

Honestly why are feelings so complicated? Why is everything so complicated? All I want is a cute guy who likes me that I like as well. It can't be that hard. But apparently it is. There's this almost perfect guy who looks cute, dresses nicely, comes from a good family, has a good future ahead of him, is nice, is funny and we have a lot in common and he even has a crush on me but I don't feel anything?! Then there's this other guy who's not the smartest, he gets aggressive really easily, lives already in debts, does not have the brightest future ahead of him, is not always the nicest but he is a really good friend and tries really hard. But if I compare the two I like the second guy a lot more and I don't even know why? I can barely talk with him anything because we basically have nothing in common, it's already stressful for me to text with him. But I enjoy his company a lot and he's so funny. Okey and he's hot. But like common doesn't the first guy sound so much better?? Ugh. I hate guys. I'm just never gonna go close to guys and everything will be okey.

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #5

People who don't know me properly probably think I'm arrogant because I don't say much. But I'm basically the opposite. I'm just not very talkative when I'm not 100% comfortable with someone; and that's really rare. It's such a burden to be shy and anxious because you think and imagine so many things you want to do but you're too scared of doing them. Sometimes it takes me like half an hour to do something in public or I think ten times about something I want to say and as soon as I would be able to say it, we already changed topics. I wish I was a tiny bit more confident and talkative but it just bores me to talk about random crap. I wanna talk about something interesting. But you can't really talk about interesting things with everybody. And I hate it when somebody asks me why I don't say much or tells me to talk more. That's so annoying. Please just accept how I am and don't push me to do anything. I also hate it when somebody asks me to tell a story because I think my life is so boring that I don't really have a story to tell. Another thing I wanna talk about it friends. I've had quite a lot of friends in the past 18 years. A lot of "best friends". But I've lost them all. Whether it was a fight or just the lack of contact but every friendship I've ever had ended. And now I just don't trust anybody anymore. At any given moment I'm ready to go my own way, to do things alone. Sometimes I get really depressed over the fact that I have nobody to really trust and talk about everything with. But at other times I just remember how many shitty things that have happened to me and that I'm better off on my own. Like in half a year I won't live in my little village anymore and if I would have a lot of close friends, saying goodbye would be really hard. But I'm honestly glad to leave to live in a bigger city and on my own. It actually doesn't bother me to be alone because then I don't feel pressured to say anything and I can just do what I want. But it makes me uncomfortable to be alone in a crowd of people because then I feel like everybody is staring at me because I'm on my own. It also makes me a little depressed that I'm not really comfortable with anybody and i feel so awkward doing anything. I just want at least one really really close friend that i can just hang out with at any time and do everything and party with or just have a lazy Friday night at home.

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #4

I honestly have no idea what I should do. My thoughts are so bipolar it's unbelievable. Like half of the day I think I should give him a chance like try it and I imagine us being a couple. But then the other half of the day I think that I don't have feelings for him and that I wouldn't want it. And I'm just so confused. Like life's too short to be with people you don't feel anything for but life's also too short to not take any risks?! And thinking too much just makes everything worse. But I literally think too much about everything. I make everything so much bigger than it actually is. On Tuesday it's Valentine's Day and even though two guys have a crush on me I bet you nothing will happen. Which is kind of sad. I never had a valentine. My mom just always bought me a present for Valentine's Day which is cute. I'll just see how things go. Right now school is the most important thing I have to worry about. Talk to you soon xoxo

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #3

I need your help. I don't know what to do. Okey so I'm 18 years old. Never had a proper boyfriend, never kissed someone, never had sex. I've always thought I really wanted to have a boyfriend, a cute relationship, someone I can love who loves me back. But I'm really awkward and shy and anxious. So whenever I have a crush on someone I never tell them and I just live with it. Also so far only guys liked me which I did not like at all or we were only close friends and I didn't wanna ruin that friendship. So as I said in my first entry I've been talking to this guy L. He's really cute we have a lot in common he makes me compliments. So we went to the cinema and afterwards he tried to kiss me but I rejected him. I don't know why actually because before that date I've been thinking about it. If it could work out between me and him. But in that moment it was just a reflex. I'm not sure why I did it myself. But the anxiety and fear probably took over in that moment. I've never kissed anyone so the anxiety about it gets bigger the older I get. In that same Night i just thought that it wouldn't be right, right now I think I'm just too scared and anxious about taking something to the next step. Even though I would want to. However he said he has some kind of feelings for me but he wants to stay friends so his feelings just have to go away, he said. I have no experience in that kind of topic so I don't know what to do. Like should I try it with him but just really slow and see how it goes? Or if it was right, shouldn't it be easier? Shouldn't I be all over the place wanting it to work? Is it worth trying or am I just gonna get disappointed? Do I have too high expectations for the perfect first kiss? Am I thinking too much? All these questions and I have no answers.

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #2

I'm such an emotional mess. My mood can change so quickly. Last week I was so happy and this week I'm stressed out, annoyed, pissed and close to a break down. I put so much pressure on myself to be good at school because I wanna be able to go tot he college I want to go to. And whenever I complain about being stressed because I have to study so much my parents don't care, they say oh common don't complain that much it's not that bad. You have no fucking idea how hard it is nowadays to keep up with school, to study for everything and not break down. The only thing I do is go to school study and then lay in bed because I'm so exhausted. I also spend my happiness so much on other people. I want people to like me. I want to please everyone. I always try to do the right thing. I even put others before my own feelings. And still people hurt me, people betray me and do things to me that I wouldn't do to them. I thought I finally could call some people my friends but I noticed soon enough that I don't really have anybody. It's so hard for someone in my age when you have so much anxiety and you always think to much about everything but you don't have a best friend to talk about it. Sure I don't get bullied or something like that I should complain. But I'm also not close with anybody. I know people. I talk to people in school. But nobody really cares if I'm there. Nobody really cares about me. I care about a lot of people. I think too much about other people. But I never show it because I don't want them to think that I'm attached or obsessed. And I never want to get too close to somebody because it already happened so many times that people hurt me and lied to me. I always stay distant. I always try not to get my hopes up. But I want to be close to someone so badly. Whether it's a really good friendship or a relationship. I just want to feel comfortable with someone. But my anxiety and over thinking just make this impossible. Whenever I get to know somebody new I get my hopes up and start to like them but at the same time I try to keep my distance and it just takes really long for me to get close to somebody and that's why other people probably think I'm not interested at them so they just leave me. Nobody has ever shown real interest in me and really wanted to get to know me. - I'm just so pissed and annoyed and stressed. I'm really sorry how everything went because I actually really like you and I honestly thought something could happen between us. But last week just made me really anxious and uncomfortable and it was all just too much and too fast for me.

[blurrybethny]

Diary entry #1

So hi since I don't really have a true best friend irl and I don't wanna bother my internet best friend with the same stuff every time, I thought I'd use my tumblr blog as a diary to let my thoughts out. I hope you don't mind. To make it easier for me to describe situations with people I'm just gonna call them by their first letter of their name. November 2016 I finally started getting closer to my friends. I finally started having fun. I was hanging out a lot with my guy friends. We even had a little road trip and it was honestly so much fun. It was a bit awkward for me because I've been friends with M and S for a longer time now, I've also known F for some time now but we never really talked much. So so I was a driver and when we drove back home we switched passengers and F drove with me this time. Honestly he talked so much about his dreams and his life and his feelings and I enjoyed listening to that a lot actually. He also told me about the tattoo he wanted. He wanted some kind of snake around his arm. So overall I really enjoyed this road trip and I started to like F. After that trip F was messaging me a bit about tattoos because I already have one. And I honestly don't know why but I decided I wanted to try and draw his tattoo so I actually did and it turned out pretty good. And I showed it to him and he liked it as well. December 2016 So F messaged me from time to time. On one weekend the prom for the 10th graders was happening (I'm a senior btw) and my friends wanted to go there but I was not sure if I would go too but F actually messaged me and said that it would be cool if I'd come as well. So I actually did and I was a driver so I drove with three of my guy friends to that prom. Overall we were a bigger group of friends with 3 other girls but they always kept running off and I stayed with the guys which I always do. However, most of them ran off from time to time as well and they always left me and F alone. The funny thing on this evening was though that F literally was by my side all the time, wherever I was going he was there. Whenever I was sitting somewhere he sat next to me, whenever we were standing outside he stood next to me and sometimes came even closer to me. Also btw he looked really good with a tucked in shirt and nice pants. I just thought I'd let you know. So we were about to leave and I had my car parked quite far away so F said to the others that they should join me so I wouldn't have to go alone to the car. After I got home he messaged me asking if I got home safe. So after that he literally messaged me everyday and I started developing a crush on him. However, it was pretty difficult for me to keep up a conversation with him because we barely have anything in common and I never knew what to say to him. So he decided he wanted to get his tattoo in a city an hour away. So he asked me if I wanted to join him when he drives there for the first time to make an appointment and then afterwards we could go to a restaurant or something. But my parents didn't let me. So I stayed home. I still regret it honestly I wish I would have gone anyways. I wanna know what would have happened. A day after I was hanging out with F, S and two other guy friends. F came really close to me like twice. And S said as a joke to him that in that prom this girl wanted to flirt with him because she probably has a crush on him. So what do I hear two days later? He went on a date with her. Like what the hell. He seemed so interested in me and then he goes on a date with that girl? I was so jealous and I thought they wouldn't work out anyways. But they went on another date and S (who is F's best friend btw) kept telling me about all the stuff F and the girl did like they slept together in a bed and massaged each other like wtf. I finally accepted that it was stupid to think that he would like but I still had a little crush on him. So there was this Christmas concert at my school where me and my friends decided to go. F was in a really bad mood the whole evening because the girl he liked didn't talk to him. And because of how stupid he is, the same evening he asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend like bro. But she said no and apparently F cried about it. I honestly laughed when I heard that. After that he was really crushed but he didn't wanna give up yet. But after like a week he kind of accepted it I guess. So S got a new tv and a big sofa so him F and S and me decided to have a movie marathon the whole night. Me the only girl with 3 their guys. Totally normal I know. So we watched movies all night and F kept falling asleep. But at one point we all started having a pillow fight and literally all of them hit me with the pillows and especially F kept grabbing my legs and arms (oh btw he was shirtless the whole time). By that time I still had a crush on him. Stupid I know. So two days after that another friend celebrated his birthday and New Year's Eve the same evening. I was hoping that it would be fun. Well. F was already getting drunk by like 10pm and honestly I drank quite a lot as well. One cocktail after the other. Then two girl friends on mine told me that S has a crush on me and honestly I kind of knew it but I was hoping that it wasn't true. That ruined my mood so much I swear. So after that one girl told me that F would talk to me about this. So I went outside and we were both already super drunk. So he told me that S has a crush on me and that he feels bad for him because he's his best friend and yea. We went back inside and I honestly kept drinking so much. I had like 4 shots and like 6 cocktails. And F even was like "oh I know why you're doing this" but honestly I didn't even know myself why I was doing this. So I kept getting more drunk and dizzy. Most of my friends already left only one girl and also a lot of classmates were left. So I sat next to guys I usually don't talk to hin school. L was sitting right next to me and his hand was on my thigh basically the whole time and I did not care at all. I even laid my head on his should the whole time. And then I just threw up out of nowhere. I threw up on myself. Isn't that fucking great. I'm still so embarrassed because of this. So K and L walked me outside and held me because I could barely walk on my own anymore. And I kept hugging L and K and then my dad finally picked me up and so that night ended at like 5am with me and my vomit all over my clothes and my dad laughing at me. I couldn't sleep all night because I felt so sick. January 2017 The next day I was still kinda sick. F messaged me again. We talked a bit and then in the evening he called me but I'm so awkward so I didn't pick up. Literally 2 minutes later the fucking door rings. I'm like "no way that's him". So I hear my dad opening the door and I hear Fs voice. I was so shocked I swear. So I ran downstairs to let him in and we went to my room. Like why did he do this. Why did he drive all this way to my house. Honestly I thought about this a few times. Like him in my room but not because of the reason he was actually there. So he asked me how I was feeling and he wanted to talk with me about S and yea. Then he left again. I think he wanted to hug me but I didn't get it so we didn't hug. So S didnt know that F and this other girl told me that he has a crush on me before. But then he did and he was so pissed at F and the girl that he wanted to cancel our trip to Croatia (which I fought so fucking hard for but that's another story). And I was pissed that he was being such a bitch about this. Then a few days later he calmed down again and they were friends again but then the girls was being a bitch. And our vacation was on the line. And she kept being stupid and giving stupid reasons about why she wouldn't be able to join us on the trip to Croatia. So finally we're only 5 people driving to Croatia however I'm the only girl with 4 guys. And I had a crush on one of the guys and the guys best friend has a crush on me so that's fun. Also me and S talked about the situation between us and he said that he still wants to be friends with me and I also wanted that. However he asked me why i would not give him a chance, if I liked somebody else, if I liked F. And I just had to deny it. If I said I liked F the real drama would have started. And I knew spending between me and F would never work out anyway so I just want to get over it. So since the drama from New Year's Eve I've actually been messaging with L (the thigh guy) and I started to like him a lot because he has really good music taste, doesn't look too bad, is interesting and talkative and just fun. Then like from one day to the other we've messaged literally all day and he even started talking to me in school in like every break. It was kind of awkward because I always sit with my friends in my breaks and S (the guy that has a crush on me) is there as well. So whenever L came up to me to talk to me I could literally feel his looks. So on Thursday F actually fucking messaged me asking what's going on between me and L. He even was like "does it not bother you that he flirts with other girls?" Like honestly what the hell. They act like I am not allowed to talk to anybody else. Like that's so unfair. February 2017 So on Friday I actually went out with L and went to the cinema. At the afternoon S asked me if i would drive to one of our friends to like hang out and i said that she didn't invite me and i didn't know about this (which is true). Then when I parked at the cinema I fucking saw S's car and B said hey to me. Like wow what kind of bad timing is that. So i said hi to L and we went into the cinema. And who the fuck do i see coming in? B went in saw me with L and went out. Like what the actual fuck. They stalked me. They have no fucking right to do that. I have the right to hang out with everybody anywhere and anytime I want. And then F even had the fucking nerve to ask me "what I'm doing tonight" I was just like "I'm pretty sure you already know". So me and L watched the movie. I was supposed to drive him home that night so we walked to my car. And he actually tried to kiss me (short backstory: I've never kissed anyone). But I rejected him and hugged him instead then he tried again and I just turned away and was like "it's okey". I was so anxious and uncomfortable and just confused. I didn't want that. Honestly I imagined it with him actually because I started to like him but at that moment I did not want that at all. So we sat in my car and I just wanted to get him out as fast as possible. And it was just awkward we barely said anything. Then I finally dropped him off at his house and I swear I'm so lucky that I did not crash because I was so emotionally unstable and it was raining so hard and yea. So I finally got home and L even messaged me again but I just went to sleep. The next day I just ignored him. Then in the evening I said I was sorry but it's not the right time. And since then we barely talked. Today in school I've been avoiding my "friends" because what they did on Friday was so fucking unfair. And I also avoided L. But he still messaged me everyday and said that he wants to be friends with me but it's difficult because apparently he kind of has feelings for me and that he'll just wait for them to go away. So that's the current situation right now. I'll give an update again soon xoxo

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]

[blurrybethny]