#this scene genuinely threw me off balance with the shows established tone but I was not complaining

[jade4813]

A Lie, Told Often Enough, Chapter 18

Author Notes: Inspired by @fallinginloveinaflash‘s AU prompt. All credit for the idea goes entirely to her.

Title: A Lie, Told Often Enough

Rating: NC-17

Synopsis: Iris just landed her dream job at a PR firm and her first assignment is reforming the bad boy image of celebrity artist Barry Allen. He’s overly cocky and well-known for being a playboy, but Iris has never met a challenge she couldn’t handle.

Chapters: 18/20

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

“I really want to commend you on your performance lately,” Mason praised her, leaning back in his chair. “You’ve been doing a great job of toeing the line between feigning strength and heartbreak. Maybe you should have gone into acting.”

Iris forced a laugh, knowing it was the expected response. She speared her fingers into her hair until she realized that the gesture might betray her nervousness. Fisting her hands in her lap, she cleared her throat. “So what’s next?”

“Well, I think the time has come to shift the narrative. You’ve done a great job of getting fan sympathy without casting Barry in a bad light. But that’s a delicate balancing act, and we can’t keep it up forever. If we want to continue selling the image of Barry as a romantic lead, then we need to show him being romantic again. But I can’t show him on the dating scene if the world thinks you’re heartbroken at home.”

Her heart sank, but she tried not to let her smile fall. She even attempted a joke. “Okay, so I assume that means you want me to start dating again. If only for the cameras. Who’s my next victim?”

Mason chuckled. “I’ve been thinking about it, and there’s someone I have in mind. Aspiring actor. Pretty new to the scene. Don’t worry that I’m foisting a nightmare off on you. He’s good looking. Charming. No heavy lifting on this one. No image rehab needed. Just one or maybe two public dates. Get photographed having fun together, let people speculate, spread some rumors. Let people realize you’re over Barry. And you’re in the clear.”

“And this guy you have in mind. He’s agreed to this?”

“He has. In fact, he’s excited about it. When you think about it, it’s a no lose situation for him. And it might give us an indication of whether your fans are in for the long haul or if you’ll have your life back sooner than you think. If your newfound fame is based off genuine interest in you and not just your supposed relationship with Barry, Eddie should benefit from being seen dating you. If it was just about Barry, you and your heartache will remain the story, Eddie will be a footnote in it, and we’ll use this date to tie him romantically with someone else. We’ll say the two of you didn’t hit it off but you introduced him to…whoever it is we put him with next. Sound good?”

Not really. It sounded awful. But she could hardly say as much without inviting questions she didn’t want to answer. So instead, she lied, “Sounds perfect. So when do you want me to put on this little performance?”

Mason grinned. “How about tonight?”

DOES BARRY ALLEN HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND?

BARRY ALLEN’S WILD AND SEXY NIGHTS OUT

BARRY ALLEN DATING RUMORS

THE TRUTH ABOUT BARRY ALLEN’S LIFE POST-IRIS

HAS BARRY ALLEN MOVED ON FROM IRIS?

BARRY ALLEN LOVES – A LIST OF ALL WOMEN HE’S DATED

BARRY ALLEN ‘IN A GOOD PLACE’ POST-IRIS

BARRY ALLEN RUMORED TO BE LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE

WHAT WENT WRONG BETWEEN BARRY ALLEN AND IRIS WEST?

Iris grimaced and slammed her laptop shut. It had been stupid of her to run a search on Barry’s name – particularly since she’d hardly needed to go out of her way to find out how he was doing. The headlines about him followed her. To the grocery store checkout line. Her morning news feed. Even random people on the street had been emboldened to ask her questions she didn’t know how to answer. Why did she and Barry break up? She wished she knew.

But even though it felt like she was inviting death by a thousand cuts, Iris couldn’t resist the urge to look for news on Barry. To seek a glimpse into his world, find out how he was doing. She told herself she just wanted to know that he was okay, and she couldn’t ask Mason or Linda without raising some questions. The truth was, part of her wondered if she wasn’t just a masochist. Every word she read about Barry broke her heart, but she couldn’t resist.

And so, every day, she broke her own heart. Over and over and over again. Her laptop was closed, but she could still picture the headlines. Barry Allen looking for true love. Barry Allen, rumored to be linked romantically with someone new. Barry Allen, happy in life and love with Iris West out of the picture.

It was all she could do to resist the urge to throw her laptop out the window. Instead, she breathed out a long breath as she looked around at all the boxes piled up in her new apartment. She didn’t fool herself into thinking she could stay off the radar of press and paparazzi forever. She just prayed her location stayed secret for a few weeks more. Long enough for her to lick her wounds in private. Get over her heartbreak.

Oh, who was she kidding? Her heart wouldn’t be healed in a few weeks. She wondered if it would be healed in a few years. But at least in time, she might learn how to pretend.

There was a knock on the door, and Iris sighed and slipped into her heels. Speaking of pretending. It was time to put on a show.

“So, what’s the verdict? Have you picked a favorite?”

Iris turned at the question whispered into her ear and threw her date a smile. “Not yet,” she replied before turning her attention back to the sculpture in front of her. “This one is…um…interesting?”

Eddie Thawne chuckled and followed her gaze. “Yeah, it’s…hm.” He tilted his head to the side and considered the chunk of welded nuts and bolts. “I understand there are some beautiful paintings in the next room. Want to check them out?”

“Sure,” she agreed, fighting back her flinch when he put his hand on her lower back to guide her across the room. In the past two hours, Iris had found Eddie Thawne to be everything Mason had promised. He was handsome. Charming. Adept at selling the fiction that this date wasn’t just a PR stunt. But he simply wasn’t the man she wanted. She’d feel guilty about that if she thought he wanted to be that man. Or if she had the slightest impression she was the woman he wanted.

They paused in front of a painting and Eddie threw her another of his warm smiles. He leaned down and whispered in her ear, asking if she would like a glass of champagne from the nearby bar. Playing his part perfectly. Iris nodded and felt him leave her side. As she turned to watch his progress across the room, she saw two figures enter the room.

Barry Allen. With Patty Spivot on his arm.

For just a second, Iris felt her composure crack. Her mask slipped. Her smile crumbled. For just a second, anyone who looked would see that she was broken. Then she forced a smile – just in time for Barry to look her way. She caught his eye and reminded herself to breathe.

In retrospect, she had been stupid not to have suspected this was part of the plan. Iris had to be seen with someone new. It made sense for Barry to be, as well. It was the only way to ensure that the press would focus on new relationships, rather than supposed heartbreak. And, of course, putting the two of them at the same event would establish that they could be in the same room without incident. That there was no animosity between them. That they had moved on.

It made sense. It was the perfect plan. And Iris hated it. She hated the plan. She hated herself for agreeing to it - to any of it. She hated Mason. But mostly, at that moment, she hated Barry. She hated that he could look so handsome in his tuxedo when she was falling apart inside. She hated that just seeing him made her bleed from invisible wounds, but that didn’t stop her from loving him. She hated him for breaking her heart. And she hated him because he didn’t know – or perhaps he didn’t care.

Barry stumbled to a halt, his eyes locked on hers. Then he grinned, that smile that had stolen her heart, and looked at her with questioning eyes. Taking that as an unspoken invitation, Iris wrinkled the silky fabric of her deep purple dress in her fists and stepped forward.

Time to put on a show.

“Hey, Iris,” Barry breathed the minute she drew near. He felt Patty stiffen next to him, saw her throw him a quick look out of the corner of his eye. She shifted closer, her presence a silent reminder of the part he was supposed to play. In return, he wrapped his arm around her waist, his own silent reassurance that he hadn’t forgotten. Even as he told his supposed ex-fiancée, “You look beautiful tonight.”

“You’re looking good, too,” she replied, the sound of her voice washing over him like a long-forgotten memory.  He ached to hold her, but she didn’t seem to notice as she continued warmly, “Patty! It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Patty took the hand she offered and replied in a friendly tone, “It’s nice to meet you, as well. I’ve heard so much about you. That’s a lovely dress.”

The two of them engaged in small talk as a stranger with blond hair and blue eyes approached, a glass of champagne in each hand. Barry understood it was all for show, but when Iris introduced him as her date, he had to tighten his hold around Patty’s waist to keep his hands from shaking. The four of them stood there for several minutes, engaging in friendly conversation. Ensuring that the press had plenty of opportunity see that there was no bad blood between them.

Barry would have stayed there with Iris forever, his entire body aching to have her so close, but he could see the moment that she decided they’d talked for long enough. Wrapping her hand around Eddie’s arm, she leaned in and whispered something in his ear. Then she murmured, “We should go. But it was good to see you, Barry,” and turned to leave, Eddie’s arm wrapped around her waist.

Barry knew it was all for show. He knew Iris wasn’t dating Eddie. Didn’t care about Eddie. But it didn’t stop him from hating the other man, just a little bit.

“Iris, wait,” he blurted, stepping forward before he even realized the words had left his mouth.

She froze in her tracks and then turned slowly. Her eyes warned him not to speak as she said softly, “It’s okay, Barry. I want you to be happy. Just…be happy, okay?” Then, without giving him a chance to speak, she walked away.

That night, Iris lay in bed, trying to ignore the tears that trickled into her hair as she stared up at the ceiling. In one hand, she toyed with an engagement ring, tilting it left and right to glimmer in the moonlight. She should have left it at Barry’s when she left, but she’d told herself that she didn’t want to risk something happening to it in his absence. One never knew when someone might break in and steal a family heirloom.

But that, too, was a lie. She had just wanted to hold on to a piece of him. Wasn’t that how she hurt herself, time and time again? Wanting to hold on to a piece of Barry?

With a disgusted grunt, Iris jumped out of bed. She didn’t bother to change clothes. Instead, she slipped on her sneakers, grabbed her purse, and raced out the door, the ring clutched in her fist. Maybe she couldn’t fix her heartbreak. Maybe she couldn’t keep herself from looking up stories about Barry every day. But she could stop hurting herself with this. And perhaps, with luck, the rest would follow.

The recording studio was quiet, but there was a light on when she raced up the sidewalk. Her heart skipped a beat as she stepped inside, it occurring to her only belatedly that Barry might be inside. But when she crept to the control booth, she saw that the studio was empty. However, she saw an open package of Twizzlers next to the chair and breathed a sigh of relief. Cisco.

She didn’t see him around, but she crept forward silently. With trembling fingers, she placed the engagement ring on top of the Twizzlers. Then she pulled Barry’s apartment key out of her purse and placed it next to the ring.

She turned to leave, but her attention was caught by the empty recording booth. She knew she should leave, but she couldn’t move. There were so many memories in that booth. It was where they had shared their first real kiss. She remembered the warmth of his body against hers as they made love.

The memories hurt, and she wanted to push them away. But she also knew that music was cathartic. Barry always said he put a lot of himself in his songs. She wasn’t much of a singer, but maybe she could give it a try. Pour her own heartache into a song.

Maybe it would help her let him go.

Glancing over her shoulder to make sure she was alone, she crossed to the recording booth. She checked the light to ensure the system wasn’t recording, and then she stepped further into the room. Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath. Then she opened them and stepped towards the stool in the center of the room. Where Barry had held her. Where he’d loved her. And she started to sing, her voice tentative and low.

“Was there something more I could have done? Or was I not meant to be the one? Where’s the life I thought we would share? And should I care?”

It was a song one of her college roommates used to play. When she was younger, Iris had thought the lyrics were sad. But she’d never felt them. Not until now. Her voice grew stronger as she slid onto the stool, her hand stroking the smooth wood finish.

“And will someone else get more of you? Will she go to sleep more sure of you?” Her voice broke, but she clutched the edge of the stool and forced herself to continue. “Will she wake up knowing you’re still there? And why should I care?”

She wanted to push away the memories of Barry, to deny their time together had ever existed. But she had to face it, if she wanted to say goodbye. To pour her pain into her song. But it was too much, staring at the place where Barry had once held her. So she closed her eyes, letting out a tiny sob when the first tear trickled down her cheek. Then, after a long moment, she continued.

“There’s always one to t-turn and walk away. And one who just w-wants to stay.”

Her entire body started to shake, and Iris wrapped her arms around her stomach, leaning forward as though she could physically hold herself together. Her breath was coming out in ragged gasps, making it hard for her to sing. She forced herself to remember how it felt to hold him in her arms. And she forced herself to remember how much it hurt when he let her go.

“But who s-said that l-love is always f-fair? And w-why sh-should I c-care?”

She broke off with a loud sob, and she bowed her head as she wept. Her fingers dug into her arms as she held herself. Iris knew she could stop this. She didn’t have to torture herself this way. But she’d tried to hide her pain for so long. She hid it from her dad. From Mason. From Linda. From Barry. As much as it hurt to embrace the pain, to allow herself to cry, she has been suffocating under the weight of the sorrow she had tried too long to deny.

She was sobbing so hard that she could barely get out the words.

“Sh-should I l-l-leave y-you alone i-in the d-d-dark? H-hol-holding m-my b-broken h-h-h-”

Through her sobs and gasps for air, she heard a soft sound and ducked her chin, embarrassed that Cisco might have returned and caught her like this. Pressing her palms against her eyes, she tried to get a hold of herself, but it was no use. She couldn’t hold back her sobs, so she dropped her hands. “S-sorry Ci-Cisco. I-” she began. Then she opened her eyes.

It wasn’t Cisco in the room with her.

It was Barry.

[kaiayame]

post s8 thoughts

the good, the bad, the mixed. 

the good

the marketplace at the garrison in ep 1! i’m a sucker for a marketplace. and allura got to go shopping!!

romelle was back! her hair was cute. 

i think the tone of the first episode was actually a really smart one to start the season on. i’m glad they jumped a few months (or was it a year?) since the end of last season. 

pidge and allura got some good bonding time in general this season. pidge giving up her game for allura was cute. and then when they were together on that planet where the olkari had lived, that was strong. 

pidge being upset about the loss of the olkari, lamenting over “how much more they had to offer us” was solid. i think they spent too much time on it, but the sentiment of mourning all the good that a people could’ve given the universe if they hadn’t been lost was solid. 

omg listen. keith and lance. literally sat together. just the two of them. watching a FREAKING sunset. and keith, in my opinion, basically said the nicest things anyone has ever said about lance to his face, and it felt like a confession of feelings from keith’s end tbh. the writers did that. they know that they did that. and it happened. it was real and so, so soft. i had to stand up in front of the tv while i was watching, clutching a pillow and screaming a bit. 

i think the amount shiro and coran were utilized throughout the story felt balanced. shiro especially has dominated so much of the story over the seasons, and even tho i love him, it felt nice to kind of have him become somewhat less of a focus. 

i think the episode where they got trapped in the ship with the monster was fun! did you see how crazy lance went when keith got stuck in that room with it?? 

the carnival episode!!! I love a good carnival setting :) i like that they all wanted to get something for allura.

the day 47 episode was also cute, imo. I thought it was clever. I loved kinkade! the overall concept could’ve gone really badly but it felt creative enough to me. I wish it had focused more on just the paladins, but still.

all of the MFE pilots actually didn’t annoy me this season, yay. 

veronica and axca had super gay vibes.

keith and axca didn’t happen! *throws confetti*

lance got called a genius by his fellow paladins! and they meant it! 

we got to see them all in their under suits and out of their paladin armor!

that short bit where Hunk made the recovered alteans food from their home world? I think that was actually more powerful and potent than the writers even intended. I thought that was really well handled and not heavy handed and had a lot of weight to it. 

the bit before the final battle with keith and lance alone at the war room table...................... prime, prime content. THEY HELD. HANDS. there was a CLOSE UP. i’m still living off of it. another “lost my shit” moment. favorite scene of the entire season. 

there was some genuinely good moments of humor. keith had some especially funny moments, i laughed out loud a few times, tho i can’t name anything super specific atm.....

it was nice that they tried to really work in the idea that unity is what’s important, and the best unity is built through love, and differences shouldn’t tear us apart and we are always stronger together, etc etc.... i think that was obviously the writers referencing our society’s current climate to some extent, so i appreciated them at least trying to touch on that, however generic and vague it was. 

they had some good new outfits this season?? it was nice to see the paladins in so many different clothes. and a lot of the garments were really cute!!

i like how often keith urged them to not give up. I think that’s another strong theme that’s existed throughout the series. it just strikes a personal note with me. i like how far keith has come as a character in general.

pidge’s mom making that flower for allura?? very sweet. 

i liked all of lance’s reactions to anyone mentioning someone having an interest in keith, haha. Obviously, i’m projecting, but still. 

i think the concept of ALL realities being threatened was actually great, because otherwise idk why they would’ve brought up there being other realities in the first place. the significant level of what was at stake with that being what the paladins were dealing with was a good choice. 

keith turning down becoming the new head of the galra. phew, thank you @god.

as always, studio mir is the lord’s animation studio and so much of the visuals were so excellent. can’t wait to see their future projects.

and honestly, it’s been fun. it’s been a fun show. it’s had a ton of problems but i cannot deny that i have seriously enjoyed watching a lot of it as a whole. 

i guess technically they did end the show on a gay kiss. 

the bad 

i’m not even that personally upset but it just goes to show how important an ending is. how a story leaves you makes such a significant impression. it’s probably the most important part of a narrative and OMG THESE WRITERS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WRAP THINGS UP AT ALL, IT’S SO FUNNYYYYY.

so anyway, yeah........ episode 13.......................... what. 

like wtf was ep 13. 

what.

what even WAS THAT. PEOPLE got PAID to write THAT. 

lance became... altean? can that.... happen? also........... why???

and a farmer?? a simple life?? where did that even come from??? like sure, lance was homesick and missed rain one time. that doesn’t.... it just..... that doesn’t mean he should just be a random farmer?????? whose gf died, i guess??

speaking of that, OMG they fucking KILLED ALLURA. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. WHAT A DUMB CHOICE. I’M STILL LAUGHING. I HAD NO EXPECTATION THAT THAT WOULD HAPPEN. WOULD NEVER HAVE EXPECTED THAT. AND YET IT DID. WTF. HOW CAN YOU MAKE SUCH A DUMB WRITING CHOICE. HOW???

and the fact that they didn’t even EXPLAIN why honerva & allura had to do whatever it is they did????? criminal. ridiculous. 

and all that aside, allura and coran’s relationship was so important and so special and the fact the she and him didn’t get a goodbye? garbage. unbelievable. 

and to add to that, all of her goodbyes were underwhelming. shiro being like “you don’t have to thank me for anything” umm, what. yes she does. you did a lot. wtf, what was with that?

like i love allura, but also, why was the ending SO FOCUSED on just her?? And by that, i mean including the choice to kill her off. VLD has always been about the group. It just was a weird vibe to end on for many, many reasons. The ending should’ve been about her and the rest of them recognizing how they were more than just friends or paladins. They were family... like ALL THE WRITERS HAD TO DO was have them all together at the end?? I’m not even joking. That needed to be the ending, point blank...... AND THEY COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT. WHYYYY

ok moving on but still related, I HATE slideshow endings like that, in pretty much anything that isn’t a documentary or historical drama. I feel like it’s such a cop out. Writers should find confidence and end their story on a specific note. Not a series of slides.

as i was watching ep 13, tbh, the title got me excited. “the end is the beginning” made me feel like they were somehow going to get thrust back in time for a brief second to the moment they all met at the garrison, or met allura and coran, and somehow that was going to get pulled into the finale as a way they could re-establish all the destroyed realities.... so i guess this is my own fault for just hoping for something that wasn’t there, but whatever.

i think lotor and zarkon also got some really undeserved positive recognition. like, they both killed a LOT of people... some things are just too little too late. 

lotor coming “back” was also like, half assed. it was weird. it would’ve made more sense for honerva to start jumping through different realities earlier in the season “looking” for a version of her son and husband that she could be with. 

too many big robots. like..... so many different kinds of big robots. i couldn’t care less. 

as always, a lot of the fight scenes were repetitive as hell. I wish they’d been more creative and written them taking on different approaches rather than just charging at the bad guys.  

WHERE IS MY FORMAL WEAR EPISODE

sorry to hate on allurance, but like, neither lance or allura felt like their actual selves whenever they were together or trying to be a couple... it was weird and sad. Lance barely ever acted like himself this season. 

I thought they threw krolia around a bit too casually. Like she barely pops up and when she did it almost felt like the writers were like “oh yeah, i guess we should include her every now and then”

i thought allura being like “i don’t have a family” to lance was bullshit. like, hello, coran and romelle are right freaking there. more alteans are showing up every day. girl, what tf do you mean???

allura was also kind of excessively mean on multiple occasions?? she was cutting people off, being unreasonable, reckless, and kind of dark..... i didn’t really understand the sudden downfall of her character when she’d started out as this sort of insecure victim, but season after season became stronger and stronger and an awesome member of voltron. idk, it just felt out of place to make her a part of the problem for the final act. 

i wish i had......... cried. i wish they’d written at least one moment well enough that i actually got to experience at least a little bit of a tear.

adam didn’t magically come back from the dead. 

OMG and the kiss between shiro and random dude???? IT WAS SO SLOPPY, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. it was obviously thrown in at the very last possible moment because they were trying to cover their own asses about the adam thing. like, what was with that bad animation....

epilogues in general are just........ so bad. no one should do them. stop.

omg they never explained the altean colonies... 

honestly, as we kept getting closer and closer to the last episode, i was like....... they do know this is the LAST season, right??? they’re kind of running out of time??

that black entity thing should’ve been fleshed out more and had more of an actual purpose, especially because they touched on it before with the paladins of old. 

i feel like the writers just threw so many things out there over 8 seasons and didn’t actually.... resolve most of them. like, they needed to edit down sooooo much of what they were trying to do. it would’ve been such a stronger series overall if they’d just FOCUSED on the actual compelling parts of this story and its characters.

i feel zero closure tbh, lol. whatever.

the mixed

overall, i was pretty engaged for the most part from episode to episode, but i did get pretty damn bored a few times.

oh god, the leaks were real. it’s good and bad. 

lance and allura still felt SOOOO forced and awkward but at least they tried to give them some actual substance.

like I said before, yay romelle was back! but boo, she wasn’t as quirky or funny anymore :(

Slav bothering everyone was still quite enjoyable to me. i wish shiro had gotten roped into that more, tho. Missed opportunity.

Atlas didn’t feel quite as dumb... but it was still kind of dumb.

i thought honerva honestly held up as a villain. Maybe not a FINAL season villain, but meh. her motivation seemed legit enough and the lengths she was willing to go after 10k years of pain seemed real. I just..... ugh, i wish they’d stuck to her just being evil. Or revengeful. Lok tried to do the same thing with kuvira right at the end. there just... wasn’t enough time to actually do that right, in either case. Or if they were going to do it, Honerva should’ve sacrificed just herself and allura should’ve left with all the other paladins, and that could’ve redeemed her character if that’s what they were going for.

the 2nd episode that focused just on honerva was... fine i guess, but i thought they didn’t define the mixing of timelines very well. it would jump from one clip to another and i didn’t realize fully that we’d gone back in time, or returned to the present, or were seeing this important thing before moving on to another. idk, the order just didn’t work for me. 

i’m glad allura got so much more focus but i feel like keith had so many important story points throughout every season and it felt weird that he was kind of just in the background for the most part of every episode.... like if vld had a “main” character, i always kind of felt that it was slightly keith.... so i’m sad that he didn’t really get much of an ending.

and that being said, i guess this is just a negative, but i feel like keith and shiro’s relationship just didn’t matter anymore??? that was so weird to me?? it was such a focus for SO LONG, it didn’t feel good to just never address them ever. 

there was this really awesome momentum going in the first half of season 8 for this theme of “not holding on to the past / letting the old give way to the new” and they just….. totally lost it. Like, it just never came up again by the end, lol. But i liked it a lot while it was initially there. Just.... wish these writers knew how to stick a landing, jesus. 

like, that older olkari woman that pidge was trying to call out to? she probably had one of the best speeches of the season when she was telling that little olkari girl to go on and be a part of the future. that’s what i’m saying. it had good momentum. they just didn’t fully realize it :/

i think where they started to lose the narrative was in the two part episode, the knights of light ones. going into honerva’s mind seemed cool and i appreciated them trying to do a few interesting things with it, but bringing back the old paladins didn’t feel right. For some reason, I didn’t enjoy allura reconnecting with like, the spirit of her father. I felt like it was a loss that should’ve remained a loss. and yeah, just in general, having them bring up the idea of the benefits and power behind “the old making way for the new” just wasn’t supported by bringing the old paladins BACK... it felt counterproductive. i didn’t like it.

Anyway. I feel like i’m still forgetting stuff and I’ll probably go back and edit this post but yeah. Enjoyed a decent chunk of the final season. Cannot..... even believe how dumb some of the writing choices were. Will forever be slightly confused. Canon is whatever. I’ve still enjoyed this show and its characters and a lot of the amazing content fans have created for it, and it is what it is and at least it’s over and done with :]

[v-le]

Kdrama: 그냥 사랑하는 사이 Review

Foreword: The entire composition of this “rant” took me about 5 months to complete. This drama changed a part of me. That is all I have to say.

---

It hasn’t been a full 24 hours since I finished the last episode of this drama, and I may have not completely collected my thoughts yet, but I just want to make one point clear: it was a beautiful masterpiece that was simply too poignant, real, haunting, and raw for the world of kdramas.

This probably sounds like a terrible diss at the rest of the kdrama world, but to call this drama a kdrama, in my opinion, undermines its value. This show went beyond the boundaries of “normal kdramas” and brought us stories that are unpopular or just rarely addressed in the realm of kdramas in general.

To start off, I have a simple disclaimer, and it is that this drama is not for everyone. For some, it is too heavy, for others it is too slow. 그 사이 requires an open mind that is willing to absorb not only all the light, but all the dark, too. Because the brightest things tend to come out of the darkness.

Especially, towards the latter half of 그 사이, I began to cry really easily for every interaction that Kang-doo and Moon-soo had, for every event that made them a little more miserable or a little happier, for anything small or big in their lives. For the first time ever while watching something, I genuinely felt the pain of their worlds reflect onto mine, not because I necessarily related with them, but because their stories felt so real and tangible, that they were beginning to coincide with the stories of my own. Even up until the very end, although I thought it would be excruciatingly difficult for me to bid farewell to these characters and everything else they came with, I ended up feeling genuinely satisfied. Because, something about it, I didn’t feel like their stories actually ended there. It really does feel like Kang-doo and Moon-soo, and everyone else including Seo Joo-won, Jung Yoo-jin, Jung Yoo-taek, Ma-ri, Moon-soo’s mother, and Sang-man, too, are still living their lives somewhere far away from me right now in this moment. And to me, that was magical. Because whenever I finish a drama, especially a good one, I always felt extremely empty after its end. The withdrawal symptoms from amazing dramas are one of the hardest withdrawals to cope with. But after 그 사이, I of course felt regretful that it was over so fast, but I didn’t necessarily long to keep watching more and more, which probably sounds very odd, and maybe even bad.

But, no. Simply put, the way 그 사이 chose to wrap up these intricate storylines made everything feel overwhelmingly realistic. It wasn’t the ending of a story, but more like the closing of the curtains, the turning off of the cameras, and the end of the audience’s privileged priviness to their lives thus far. But the characters themselves, it didn’t feel like their stories ended anywhere close to there. I firmly feel like they are continuing. Just continuing.

How this drama managed to pull off such a clean finale, is something I will save to think about later. I know I am hopping around all over the place right now, but I felt that my post-finale thoughts had to be recorded promptly, before they drifted from me. Now, I want to back it up all the way to the end, to even before 그 사이 began to air. Oh, how grateful and glad I am to have noticed its uniqueness even prior to its actual premier. Of course, I didn’t exactly expect it to nearly change a part of me, but I had the slightest, really, just oh-so slightest inclination that this drama might contain all the elements that my heart has been searching for for so long.

After years of watching kdramas, one’s standards begin to naturally rise, and by today, I am definitely very picky with what I consider a “good” drama. Granted, everyone’s preferences are subjective, and my very own may be more specific than others’, but if anything, that probably enabled 그 사이 to rise in ranks faster than I ever expected.

Just from its posters, 그 사이 exuded a sort of ethereal calamity that most dramas don’t really go for these days. Everyone associated 그 사이 with the word “melo”. I am not sure if I completely agree with that description, because like the word “kdrama”, labeling 그 사이 as “melo” seems to undermine its value in a negative way. Melos have a stigma for being slow paced, dragged out, over-dramatic, and tear-filled for more than half the series. The most “melo” part of 그 사이 is the fact that its pace is definitely calmer; it didn’t rush into events and plot twists. But that is, in no way, a bad part of it. I will get back to its elements later. But trust me, slow added a gorgeous feat to 그 사이.

Going back to what I mentioned about the posters, specifically the one above, it felt like a movie. I had mentioned this to my friend, but upon watching the teasers and scrolling through a few images, the biggest thing that piqued my interest was that “it seriously looks like a movie!!!!”. Now, what I mean by “a movie” might sound pretty lame. However, personally, I am not a frequent moviegoer. In fact, I am barely a moviegoer at all. This is because I always felt overwhelmed by the end of movies, regardless of the genre. Movies were always so concise, impactful, and had the ability to leave a really strong, lasting impression within a really short amount of time. That sort of stuff always threw me off; it was just always too much for my brain to handle. Dramas and shows on the other hand, are way more subtle. I get to wean myself into the emotions and storylines, and there is an added level of depth simply due to the fact that they are longer than just an hour and a half or so.

And so, with 그 사이 giving me movie vibes, meant that I felt like it had plenty of room to hit me like a truck and leave me with a few scars, while at the same time, playing itself out as a 16-episode series. The prominent usage of cool colors, mellowed-down instrumental tones, wistful voiceovers, and a cityscape that wasn’t your classic, bright uptown Seoul, but instead a somber yet colorful Busan, all left a very strong, but refreshing first impression on me. It really looked like a movie. Its feats and details looked grand from the get go. It meant that I had a gut feeling that this show was really, seriously, going to move me. And it truly did. 

initialization & continuation--

The very first episode, like most first episodes, introduced us to the one thing that this entire series basically revolves around: the mall collapse accident. I don’t want to exactly recap what the first few episodes were about, but more of what stood out to me that made 그 사이 feel much more special than anything else out there so far.

Moon-soo is a hard worker, balancing a lowkey, blue-collared “job” for her family, as well as working as a designer. Aside from the maybe flawed balance of “work” she has going on, 그 사이 decides to show us the mundane parts, too. Clips of her scrubbing the walls, sweeping the floors, building paper models, simply going about the daily rounds in her life. The initial portrayal of Moon-soo accomplished something that many dramas cannot really pull off, and that is that Moon-soo is just like you and me. Maybe not in the same exact occupational way, but she wakes up in the morning, maybe restlessly, maybe a little bit miserably, she does the things she needs to do, she tends to her responsibilities, and she simply carries on her with life. Of course, not everyone can relate to her on an emotional level, but in a way, we can relate to carrying on with our days no matter how hard it gets. We can see that Moon-soo isn’t that happiest soul in the world, but she isn’t oversensitive and extra mopey, either. She reflects a part of us that we can empathize with, to varying degrees.

The most prominent thing that I initially noticed about Kang-doo was his sharp tongue and the fact that he was always getting beat up and walking around with scars and blood stains. At first glance, many would probably assume that he was your classic, reckless bad boy that doesn’t give two shits about the world. And to an extent, that is true. However, we are also fully aware of the kind of ordeals he has gone through, and we could, or at least I could, sort of feel this underlying pain that he carries around within himself. The eternal scars that Kang-doo carries within himself still haunt me to this day. I can’t even begin to fathom, how hard it must be, to carry so much trauma within one’s own mind. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to have your father die in an accident, to have been buried beneath rubble for 7 days, to have been stuck with a dead body, to have watched him die, to have your mother die promptly afterwards, to legitimately have schizophrenia due to the all these ordeals combined. In short, Kang-doo is fucked up in ways unimaginable to a normal person, but he hides it all away behind his cold eyes in a heavy layer of bruteness and disregard. From the very beginning, I could feel that Kang-doo’s character has so much complexity, to a point where I couldn’t even comprehend how deep the series would choose to dig out from him. I was excited, but at the same time, apprehensive to watch his story unfold. I knew I had to prepare myself for some massive waterworks. This, in itself, was something a drama had never presented to me with before. 그 사이, I could tell, would not be your cliche kind of romance story.

Even the opening, since the very first episode when I saw it, it pulled at something deeper than anything else. It is comprised of still frames of tragic accidents or sites of rubble and such. It is haunting for an opening and it definitely left a huge impression on me. It established a heavy aura that rarely any dramas dare to take on. 

Another random but poignant point that stuck with me was the scene in which Halmoni was smoking, and she passes the cigarette to Kang-doo, who also takes a puff. We only see the back of their figures as they sit on swings, but when they turn their faces to the side, we can clearly see that it is the actors themselves smoking, and not some sort of lookalikes. This left a lasting impression because it almost felt shocking, to watch Jun-ho of 2PM smoke so blatantly like that. Korean media always heavily censors these kinds of things, even if it’s ingrained into their culture like smoking sort of is. Watching him smoke felt kind of scary, in a good way. It felt real, that yes, even someone who is a top idol that sings and dances and has to maintain some sort of pretty image 24/7, can and will smoke. So fun fact: kpop idols are humans, too!

The other characters as well, Wan-jin and Sang-man and Moon-soo’s mom, and Seo Joo-won, Jung Yoo-jin, Ma-ri and Jung Yoo-taek, and Halmeoni played their own special, but very symbolic role as 그 사이 progressed.

Since our introduction to Sang-man, we can get the gist that he is “not normal”. Once again, at first glance, Sang-man looks like a guy who is mentally slower than everyone else. But with time, we get to learn how much more mature he actually is than the rest of our crew, in his own special kind of way. Some of his simplest lines hit the deepest, and although he wasn't exactly my all-time favorite character, I can safely say that he was a hidden gem amongst this web of characters. He is extremely precious, and he shows the audience a beautiful side to being mentally “different”. 

Then, we have Wan-jin who contributes to 그 사이 as a figure of immense support for Moon-soo. They share a friendship through their hardships and that in itself resonated really well with me. Throughout this series, we get to see small snippets of how the disabled are disadvantaged and disrespected, too. There is one scene that stands out to me, which is when Wan-jin tells her assistant (idr his name) that she doesn’t want his pity, but she simply wants to be treated like human, like everyone else. Because she is no less a person than anyone else is.

Even Ma-ri, head of the karaoke place that essentially “sells” girls for their presence: at first glance, she is your classic, rich, and manipulative female figure. But underneath that layer of presumable impurity, she is actually the victim of sexual abuse who has worked her way to her place and owes her life to the bravery of Kang-doo himself.

Furthermore, Moon-soo’s mother is more than a lamenting mother who has lost a child, but she is in particular, an alcoholic. Her relationship with her husband has gone sour and she barely manages to hang onto her sanity with the help of soju and Moon-soo by her side. Her mother portrays the agony of a child’s death in such a surreal way, that it only felt right for her to not be okay, in every way possible. She was a complete mess, but rightfully so. Her battle with alcohol didn’t end as just an unsolved addiction, but we were even able to see her enter rehab and conquer herself from within at the end of the drama.

Halmeoni played such an immensely pivotal role in this story. Her words of wisdom sat with viewers even weeks after she said them on screen. One of my personal favorites is “Just because someone is yelling louder doesn’t mean that they are hurting more”. Halmeoni played a sort of role that was like a guardian angel, who was present to give all that she could, until her own time was up. Her sharp tongue and snarky attitude made her likable in the most unique of ways. Because in the end, she was always sort of right. One of the hardest hitting things that Halmeoni talked about was when she was scolding Kang-doo’s sister, saying that it isn’t cigarettes nor cancer nor car accidents nor drugs that kill people. It is poverty. Because a lot of the times, poverty pushes people into these situations. And especially so, it is those in poverty that don’t have the resources to help themselves, in which they are left helpless to die. Halmeoni preached to viewers that poverty is the number one killer of humans. Her departure from the lives of our characters, and particularly Kang-doo’s, left a void that was meant for filling. I will never get over this, but I absolutely love how the show decided to handle her death. We didn’t see any funeral procession or all-black attire or wreaths or a nicely framed portrait. We just saw the aftermath, the broken pieces of Kang-doo and others, and we get to see how they pick themselves back up from all of it. It was a work of art, and it hit much, much, much more deeper than showing us the explicit parts.

All these supporting characters surrounding Moon-soo and Kang-doo indirectly dealt with things like mental health, people with disabilities, sexual assault, poverty, and even alcohol abuse. Aside from the obvious central theme of post-traumatic stress and remembering the forgotten, 그 사이 decided to touch upon these seemingly subtle, but very sensitive topics as well. All these characters were messed up or struggling in some sort of very real way. And it was so, so well done.

The next thing that I absolutely loved about 그 사이 was the progression of Kang-doo and Moon-soo’s relationship. It was simply drawn out so gorgeously. Of course, their fate began in a cliche sort of way, through the accident in which they both lost a loved one. However, this fact was only apparent to Kang-doo for a significant part of their progression. Moon-soo’s inability to remember the bits and pieces of the accident are compensated for through Kang-doo’s haunting ability to recall every miniscule detail, to an extent where he is mentally unstable. Time and time again, Kang-doo asks Moon-soo, what is the point of both of them suffering when only one needs to? This question was raised more than once during 그 사이 and I came to appreciate a sort of two-sided beauty to it. The fact is that, Kang-doo didn’t want another loved one to suffer, but Moon-soo didn’t want Kang-doo to suffer alone. Is it better to suffer alone and hold all the pain in? Or should you share the burden because it may be too much for one to handle alone? This is a dilemma that I resonate with in terms of my very own friends and loved ones. It is a question that we have all asked ourselves at one point. And it is a question that was at the forefront of Kang-doo and Moon-soo’s relationship.

Another thing with these two is that they came to love each other flawlessly. Although this came up before during Joo-won and Kang-doo’s conversation, when Moon-soo asks why Kang-doo loves her, he says “그냥” (just because). And that my friend, was the end of me. The End.

Of course, this definitely was not the only scene in which I cried, but it sure did release a flood of some sort. When posed with this question, the leads of many dramas don’t always list out amazing features of their significant other or anything, and they even say the similar things along the lines of “Do I even need a reason?”. But a one word answer, spoken so genuinely, so lovingly from someone who has gone through so goddamn much, has so much more meaning than a paragraph or an essay or even a book about how much he loves Moon-soo. It hits deeper than mundanely loving someone because they are pretty or accomplished or an amazing person. It touches upon a sort of love that only them two can feel and possess. Only them two, and no one else, will ever understand. And the feeling that this one-word description gave me, was one of a sort of invasion. I felt like I was intruding on something so precious and dear, the fact that Kang-doo spoke “그냥” in itself already felt like much, much more than I already should be allowed to know. I felt like anything further said would just tarnish the beauty of it all. That is simply how real and stunning their affection for each other felt.

Another point that many others could probably agree with is how their physical interactions exuded overwhelming chemistry out of the simplest actions. All they did was hold hands for a really, long freaking time, but it felt a million times deeper than just hand holding. Even when the two finally kissed, there was nothing extravagant about it. The two just genuinely wanted to be with each other. And that was enough. In fact, it was more than enough. I probably sound like a broken record by now, but these two felt so natural and organic together that I almost felt like I didn’t deserve to watch them be so cute and coupley and just in love. The surrealism was overwhelming and it is something that could only come about from stellar writing, and of course, the performances of Lee Jun-ho and Won Jin-ah.

Jun-ho absolutely blew me away. Watching him progress through this drama made me fall for him, hard. Honestly, I sort of want to not even talk about the fact that he is also an idol, too, because the stigma of idol-actors has no place in this drama. Jun-ho literally made himself into this person. Usually, when actors play a significant role, and even when they pull it off really well, I still tend to associate the actor himself with that one character, not in a bad way, but as a form of infatuation (e.g. Ryu Jun-yeol as Kim Jung-hwan in ‘88). Not to say that seeing that actor only reminds me of that one character, but more like, I always tend to see flecks of the character that I can never fully shake off no matter how hard I try.

But for Jun-ho as Kang-doo, this is not the case. I can separate the two, very clearly, too. Of course, as a person, they have completely different personalities and such, but its the fact that I can see Kang-doo existing in this world as well as Jun-ho the actor, idol, and human, too. Because that’s just how well he played it. And don’t even get me started on how multi-talented Jun-ho is as a person in real life, too. The fact that he can dance and sing super fucking well (with countless solo songs and albums to call his own) further blows my mind and raises him up to the top ranks of my favorite actors. There is nothing this guy can’t do. And I just want to mention, he isn’t particularly handsome or anything. To me, it is endless charms and abilities that make Jun-ho such a likable guy. I am absolutely proud to have watched him grow thus far.

As for Won Jin-ah, it was already hyped from the beginning that she was chosen out of “120 auditions” which is indeed a big feat, but I think just further adds to her credibility as an outstanding actress. She has such natural features of expression, and of course, that pure, innocent kind of vibe that is commonly taken for granted among actresses. I am going to be honest here, I am not as good at dissecting female performances compared to male performances, mostly because I am a female myself, but Won Jin-ah fit Moon-soo so well that I truly can’t see her as anyone else. I know that that kind of saying is a bit overused for many characters played by certain actors, but I truly do mean it in the same way I talked about Jun-ho as Kang-doo. She made herself into Moon-soo, in which I can firmly believe there is a Ha Moon-soo somewhere out there working at her mother’s bathhouse and making models, while there is also the actress Won Jin-ah doing her job.

It is just stunning, how intricate and detailed these characters were, and how well they came to life on screen. I can’t get over it, I just really can’t. If I daresay, it was almost as if I was watching a documentary. These two were that real together. It was heartbreakingly beautiful.

Which takes me into the angst realm of 그 사이. Many, many commenters of this drama mentioned how heavy it was, and how it was difficult to watch during hard times and such. But for me, although I admit I am a total sucker for dark and depressing shows anyway, its heaviness weighed me down in all the right ways. It tugged at the right corners of my heart, to a point where for the first time ever, I literally bawled my eyes out because of something beautiful.

It is pretty hard to explain, how I felt as I watched their lives unfold. The most prominent feeling, of course, was sadness and pain for when the characters themselves were in pain. Sometimes, I could feel the pain physically in my chest, and I wished until the end of the world that everything could be okay. But at the same time, when things just seemed to happen at the right moments in time, when their fingers seemed to intertwine at all the perfect angles, I weeped like there was no tomorrow because have you ever seen a couple so beautiful before? I haven’t, I really haven’t.

Anything that heals must have been hurt before, too. And that is Kang-doo and Moon-soo. They provide each other with a sort of healing that only they can feel and understand. While one radiates pain and suffering, the other absorbs it all and folds it with love into the layers that is their relationship. I agree to an extent that their occasional back-and-forth-ness got a little bit out of hand, but I also see it is as a sort of apprehensiveness. That these two loved each other so much, that they wanted to avoid hurting the other in any way possible.

So as much as their agony from the unfortunate events in their lives caused, and as much as they cried themselves, I cried along with them, the entire way through. And when there were those small, gorgeous moments of the light shining through the cracks for just a little while, I still cried. Mundane moments reflected something so much deeper than any viewer can feel on their own accord. Crying a shit ton during a show probably sounds like a negative thing, but for me, it simply shows me how much 그 사이 moved me. It moved my soul to peer into places deeper than the deepest places of my imagination. Even when I was simply walking to class in the middle of the day, I got choked up just thinking about Kang-doo and Moon-soo and how everything might unfold before them, for better or for worse.

Everything that happened between Kang-doo and Moon-soo felt so raw with emotion. Each line spoken to each other was purposeful and wistful. There really never was a dull moment between the two. The way in which some of the scenes were shot, the camera would shake in the slightest. It made it all look so brutally realistic, as if we were really there, privy to their thoughts and secrets and feelings.

그 사이 literally took over my life for the weeks that it was airing, and although this obsessive enthusiasm wasn’t exactly new to me (Healer & Reply ‘88 both accomplished this), it pushed me to ask why this show had the ability to do so. I honestly don’t think words alone will ever fully be enough to explain all of the pure beauty in 그 사이, but words are all I have at my expense.

silhouettes & hands & ice cream & carrots--

These are the small things that made this drama all the more ethereal. The cinematography and the way the sunlight hit the camera at certain angles, it literally printed itself onto my brain. These frames were magnificent and nearly struck a tear in my eye each time. The usage of silhouettes as well, was so, extremely well done here. I have no words.

One of the biggest things that also stood out significantly to me, although maybe not that big of a deal, but definitely worth a mention, was how well her hand fit into his. I have never felt such a swell of emotions through people simply holding hands. I swear to god, it is as if their hands were made for each other. Her hands are perfectly smaller than his, which means his covered them effortlessly. “You were born to be loved by me, right?” asks Kang-doo. Some of his lines were honestly so cringey, but Jun-ho pulled them off so well, they seriously sounded really natural to me. 100% cute and 0% corny.

And of course, the iconic ice creams. The fact that by the end of the drama, Moon-soo herself actually likes ice cream, too, can it get any cuter. To add to the cuteness, in real life, Jun-ho is ice cream obsessed, always posing with it, talking about it, even writing a song about it, and of course, eating it. I feel like the symbol of ice cream was sort of like Jun-ho’s piece to take from Kang-doo. It is like a part of him that he gave to his character, to fully make it his, but not exactly him.

The carrot is iconic because of the one line we can never forget. The line that Moon-soo meant, but didn’t really mean at the same time. The line that sputtered out of her mouth in a funny, exasperating way, but also in a meaningful, deeper, heartfelt way. Me too, Moon-soo, me too. I like a man that eats carrots, too.

thank yous & i love yous & geu sa-i--

This motif was quite a prominent one, but after thinking about it more, I started to realize the sort of message the writer and director were possibly trying to get at. The “i love you”s were touching and cute and everything, but the line(s) that got to me the most were not those three stereotypically monumental words, but it was the “thank you”s that cut deeper than most. How many dramas have you watched where the couple consistently thanked each other? And what kind of meaning did those thank yous hold? In 그 사이, Moon-soo and Kang-doo exchanged genuine, heartfelt thank yous.

The thing with these thank yous though, is that they have a multitude of meanings. “Thank you for picking me up today.” “Thank you for calling me.” “Thank you for being there for me.” “Thank you for loving me.” “Thank you for being you.” “Thank you for staying by my side.” “Thank you for being alive.” I could go on and on, but you get the point. These thank yous meant the universe to them, they relayed a sort of gratitude and passion and sentiment that only these two could feel and share. It all just felt so organic.

Next, I want to discuss the “trope” that 그 사이 utilized in which Kang-doo was fighting for his life towards the end of it all. This part was excruciatingly painful to watch, mostly because I honestly couldn’t tell how they were going to end it all. Nor could I really understand what sort of meaning each kind of ending could have. If they ended it happily ever after, why? And if not, what else were they trying to say? I just couldn’t tell.

Kang-doo was suffering from a failing liver, and I think it only made sense. From day one, he is depicted as reckless, especially towards his own body. A comment somewhere on Dramabeans stated it nicely: “Grandma kept telling him to stop taking [the painkillers] and to let his pain out instead, and with no granny to give him placebos, he ended up taking real, strong painkillers.” I feel like 그 사이 toyed with Kang-doo’s life as a sort of reality check, that shit goes on, no matter how good or bad everything seems to be turning out, shit still goes on. But by saving him, of course, maybe they are telling us that miracles really do exist. Most importantly, they don’t forget to remind us that these miracles may come at the expense of others’ own misfortunes.

And if anything, the dragging out of Kang-doo’s potential death left room for the supporting to characters to come out and shower Kang-doo with love. I can’t remember the quote exactly, but it was when the doctor asked Jae-young what kind of person her brother was, that so many random people were coming forward to readily donate a part of their liver as if it was no big deal. But Ma-ri countered wonderfully, that it is a serious decision to make, which is all the reason why it matters so much more. It was super duper heartwarming to see everyone try their best, in any way, to help Kang-doo and just have him live. I feel like giving us the most plausible hope of Sang-man specifically, was symbolic in which he, of all people, literally the most profound, but possibly most childish person out of our entire bunch, would be the one to save Kang-doo. But it also felt brutally realistic when they suddenly took him away as a donor because life just doesn’t get to work out perfectly like that all the time. But also with last-minute miracles, life kinda does tend to work out at the perfect times. Life is luck? Maybe.

But the ending scene, that goddamn, fucking gorgeous ending scene. I don’t even care if people whine all they want about how ending with a kiss scene is cliche and overrated, just leave me be to pick this one apart. In fact, the part that got me the most choked up wasn’t even the kiss itself (I mean, it partly was), but it was the dialogue, the eyes, the expressions, and the voiceover that got me wailing like a drowning beluga whale in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. Like smack dab in the middle. Wailing incessantly. That was me.

Because here is the thing. First off, we pan into a frame that overlooks the Busan cityscape as the sun is setting, the bright houses are subtly flashing their hues, the horizon is glowing all sorts of reds and blues and pinks and oranges and purples, and our couple’s silhouette is situated perfectly at the center of it all. Literally, just that still frame of that scene itself, took my breath away. Stunning cinematography at its finest. Moon-soo tells Kang-doo that she loves him, which we haven’t gotten a chance to hear after all the times he’s already told her the same. But here she says it and her eyes are literally glowing, and his eyes are peaceful yet joyous at the same time, the most comfortable, and just the most at-home I have ever seen them throughout the entire series. And then there is a really long pause with no dialogue, no sounds, no loud blowing, just a blank, subtle, empty noise, as he cradles her face which somehow just manages to fit perfectly into his hand, and then Kang-doo’s voice breaks through the ever-so-slightly prolonged silence, and he narrates “Moon-soo loves me”.

I will repeat that just in case you couldn’t read it above: “Moon-soo loves me”.

The impact that this one simple line had was massive, colossal, unimaginably poignant, and it hit me. Deep. This one line, I feel, gave validation to this entire show, to all our hours devoted to watching it, to the characters’ actions, and most importantly, to Kang-doo’s life. Throughout the entirety of 그 사이, he is literally battling for his life, not only physically at the end, but emotionally and mentally as well. He very much lacked that spark of purpose, the thing that made him live. Not to denounce his worth and say that now his life only boils down to Moon-soo’s love for him. It’s more like, she gives him another beginning. Kang-doo states this eloquently when talking with Seo Joo-won on the roof about why he loves her. “Just because”. He continues, “I was a man that could only live by the day. But after meeting her, I was curious about tomorrow”.

And so “Moon-soo loves me” is so pivotal in which Kang-doo has mostly, hopefully relieved himself of all the shit and guilt and trauma and struggles that he has been fighting from within, and all he needs in his life to keep going is Moon-soo’s love. This line is followed up with a “The fact that we are alive… it is a relief.” How fucking beautiful is that.

And now, this is where I can come full circle to the title of this drama, “그냥 사랑하는 사이”. The English of this has been commonly translated as “Just Between Lovers”, but as you can tell since the beginning of this composition, I do not prefer to use that title, for several reasons. The main one is that, well, sometimes there are things in other languages that you really just cannot translate. “그냥 사랑하는 사이” is one of them. The meaning that it has in Korean, the feelings and implications that it carries with it, simply cannot be translated into the English language. If I wanted to try, it would be something along the lines of “just your average, simple relationship between two people that love each other”. Which still sounds pretty stupid in English, but with those extra strands of meaning, and even more added depth, is what the Korean title holds. Also, for simplicity’s sake, Korean phrases tend to be condensed into acronym-like words. In this case though, “그냥 사랑하는 사이 (geu-nyang sa-rang-ha-neun sa-i)” as an acronym-ish kind of word is simply “그 사이 (geu sa-i)” in which the “냥 (nyang)” and “사랑하는” (meaning “loving”) are removed to now signify something along the lines of literally: “that relationship” or “a relationship”. “그” is used as sort of an article, I guess, meaning “that” or “a”, or basically anything not really specific like his or hers or yours. **I have never learned Korean formally, and everything I’m saying is legitimately self-taught, so please don’t quote me on any of this, but I am just trying to get my point across as best as I can LOL** This all boils down to how, to me, “그 사이” is so simple yet touching and moving and so full of meaning, that it has this sort of immense, hidden beauty to it. Not only is it, in this case, a shortened version of “그냥 사랑하는 사이”, but “그 사이” as a phrase in any context is seemingly mundane, but carries so much more than meets the eye.

Just like, you know, a relationship. But not actually. The love part sounds simple enough, and it is. They love. But how they came to love, what it means to them, contains a meaning so deep and intricate that, maybe, just to make things easier and to even preserve its profound beauty that we will never understand, we will leave it as... just a relationship.

And I find that incredibly moving. I am struggling right now, to type down my feelings, but I hope that it is working to an extent. For the first time ever, a drama’s title actually seemed to fit, in less of a relevancy sort of way, but in much more of a meaningful, heartfelt way. The title of this drama is so short, so plain, almost boring-sounding, but it encompassed so much more than that. It encompassed an entire, full relationship of two people that come to love, or even more than love, but live, through pain and deaths and guilt and hardships and tears and growth and interdependence, and just each other.

There is an infinite amount of complexity hidden within the seemingly thin and obvious layers of  그 사이, and I think this is what is at the center of its ethereal beauty as a show for viewers to absorb. The words behind the characters’ actions and the events that occur carry immaculate weight, that it makes you question things, maybe even about your own life. This is a sort of art that I have never, ever seen a show demonstrate, and it completely took my breath away. It left a million pieces of my heart shattered on the floor. I literally feel like my life has changed, even if just a little bit.

Which now brings me to the things that this show wanted to tell the audience. When commenting about 그 사이, many people tended to say something along the lines of “It had great messages, it was so deep, etc.” and yes, I agree with that, too. But nowhere did anyone actually say what those messages were. I feel like there is an infinite number of lessons 그 사이 wanted to teach us, but I’ll try to point out the more noticeable ones first.

think about this--

Remember the forgotten.

Awareness is one of the strongest forces, because knowledge is power. I feel that, amidst people’s ordinary lives, we sometimes forget to remember those who simply never had a chance to live. We all live so voraciously and fervently, but it is important to be aware of that fervor that couldn’t be. Some people questioned the intent of leaving out the final product of the memorial that our two leads were working so hard on throughout the entire show. One commentator wrote simply: "In a way, it gave cadence to the idea that the memorial wasn't for the public or even us as the viewers. It belongs to the victims and the survivors of the tragedy." Very well articulated. Nothing more is needed.

Poverty kills.

I touched upon this one a little bit in the above text, but here, I’m just going to lay down Halmeoni’s entire spiel because no could have said it better than her.

Mental trauma is in its own way, more painful than any physical sort of pain.

Jun-ho demonstrates this so hauntingly and beautifully through his acting as the broken Kang-doo. In an interview that Jun-ho had after wrapping up filming, he says, "I didn't know what these people thought. It's something you won't know if you haven't been through it. You have to experience pain to know what it feels like. So I didn't even dare to try to understand them. I just used my own method of shutting myself away”. So much personal heart and character lies within those words, making his performance even more credible and noteworthy. Here is a line from the wise ol’ Halmeoni that hits pretty deep.

Never take life for granted.

I feel like this sort of message has such redundancy and insensibility in common-day life, but it is a reality that 그 사이 brings to life gorgeously. These characters are struggling in the depths of their own despair on a daily basis. But in the end, we get to see them prevail in some sort of way, with the help of each other’s sheer existence. In the same interview, Jun-ho says, “You don't take things for granted. Every little thing from the sun and wind, is important.” It is so poignant, to see the actor himself connect so deeply with the plot and depth of the story itself. The ending scene of 그 사이 paints this message in the air and the wind, from Kang-doo’s very own voiceover. He says, “Because we survived… it’s a relief”. And that’s it. That concludes the entirety of 그 사이. What huge punch to the guts that line was. It was so bold, heart-rendering, and just true. It was true, that the simple fact that we are living our own lives, sad or happy, good or bad, pain or not, we are alive, and that is all that matters in the end.

words & frames--

In addition, I want to include a few more lines (that are conveniently included within the beautiful OST MVs produced by El Music Studio) that struck huge cracks into my soul as they were spoken aloud on screen. Honestly, these lines sound much better in Korean because there is a sort of depth that an English translation isn’t able to capture, but that is okay. English will just have to do.

“Misery is just... being miserable.”

“Looking down from such a high place like this, people don’t really look like people anymore, do they?”

“Just because they are crying more loudly doesn’t mean that they are hurting more.”

“Him distancing himself that much shows how much he actually cherishes you.”

“And so, more than anyone else... we must be happier.”

An extra note about the OSTs: none of them stood out enough for me to add to my music library, not even Jun-ho’s very own (as much I love his gorgeous voice). However, I can confidently say that they added a haunting effect to many of the scenes and portrayals throughout the show. All the voices and quiet, heart-tugging melodies that meadered its way between the dialogue and echoes, created some intense emotions that probably would’ve been empty otherwise.

noticeable hair-growth & flaws & final wrap up--

One of the things that I really came to notice by the end of this show was that the characters’ hair had grown significantly. I mean, this is a given. Hair grows over time. Duh. But aside from the fact that it’s an obvious naturality. I found to love how it added to the realism in 그 사이. The fact that by the last episode, Jung Yoo-jin’s hair was almost reaching her shoulders, Seo Joo-won’s was creeping towards his neck, Moon-soo grew out her bangs and swept it to the side, and Kang-doo’s covered his eyes a little more than usual, was just a touching sight to take in. Look how human they are! Their hair grew properly, following the time sequence of the series itself. How beautiful is that. It’s such a subtle, minor detail, but to me, it really stood out as an aesthetic touch to its already-brimming-with-reality depiction that 그 사이 establishes.

I could be biased here, but I want to say that 그 사이’s biggest fault was that it used supporting characters like Seo Joo-won and Jung Yoo-jin. Not to say that their roles were completely useless or detrimental to the plot, but more like, their roles were underdone amidst the medley of such a strong leading pair mixed with the other complex, unique supporting figures. Although Jung Yoo-jin thankfully did not play your classic, snooty second female lead vying for the main man, Seo Joo-won very much fell under this category, in his own male-ish sort of way. I honestly did not really appreciate some of his actions and words. I felt like his character was lacking the depth and charm that the rest of the cast hones in on so well. The writers really could have given more to work with, but with such bland lines and cliche intentions, I just couldn’t find myself warming up to him. Aside from parts of Joo-won’s incompleteness as a character, I guess another flaw could be the classic kdrama tropes 그 사이 utilized. As minimal as they were, some were there regardless. The wrist grab, the mid-fall waist catch, the eavesdropping behind a wall, and all of that cliche mush you could find in 1897957 other kdramas, were definitely present in 그 사이. But whatever. It was fucking beautiful anyway.

Finally, I want to address the last part of this clean finale that 그 사이 managed with ease. In particular, it was the montage of the familiar locations that we have gotten to see since the beginning. Externally, it looked plain and a little bit sad and empty. But I feel like these stills offered us so much, because these locations were more than places that our characters frequented, but they are perpetual within their spaces of time. These places, those sort of “places that you can always go back to no matter what happens”. Places of rest, of heart, of everything else that has and could happen. At this point I’m basically just rambling, but my point is that. It was breathtaking.

Also, let us just take some time to appreciate these real Busan visuals. 

To anyone that has read this far by now… Wow. Just so you know, you have read through an entire 5-month journey with my thoughts LOL. It is almost May now and my life has been too much of a mess for me to be able to post this within one sitting.

Many days have passed since I last finished this drama and wiped my tears off my face and blew my nose into a soggy tissue and gazed awestruck into the beautiful skyline on my laptop screen. But my feelings remain the same, and this series has held such a special place in my heart. When talking about Korean dramas with friends or acquaintances I try to sound nonchalant about 그 사이. Because, you know, it was just that one show that lowkey changed my life. 그 사이 made me feel things and taught me things and provoked thoughts that no other show ever has in my life. I really could care less about what the general public had to say about 그 사이. I just know, I loved it with all my heart and soul. Thank you for everything, 그 사이.

[chucklingdevil]

The Rise of Skywalker review

I will put the spoilers under the cut. So if you don't want to see any then don't read ahead of that. You've been warned.

Ok, I only just saw this today, so I'll give my honest opinion, based on the first viewing alone. I'll need to see it again to really understand how I feel about this latest Star Wars movie.

The first thing I noticed was the pacing. It is very rushed. That, coupled with the info dumping leaves it a bit scrambled. This movie gives you a lot of information in clumps. With hardly any time to adjust before pushing you through to the next scene. Seriously, the amount of cuts between scenes was almost ridiculous. Especially for a two hour film.

It didn't really feel like Star Wars to me? I don't know what it was but the whole tone of this film was very different to any of the other films. Slightly off.

The story itself was interesting. Nothing at all like I'd been expecting. Major changes to previously established canon, in some aspects. But it wasn't overly horrendous. A lot of good things that need more expanding on.

The character development was honestly a little stunted. Especially for some characters. There really isn't much more I can say without spoiling anything. So...

Spoilers below the cut:

General Hux

Look, I'll be honest, I went in to the movie only wanting to see more Hux content. There was very little of it. Which wasn't surprising. He's got a balance of TFA Hux and TLJ Hux going on, so that was nice enough to see. The main point of Hux in this film was to be the one leaking information to the Resistance. Now, if I hadn't been spoiled for this plot point already (because some people just don't seem to understand that others want to watch the film), then I might have genuinely been giddy with my surprise over Hux's declaration to being the spy. It's played as more of a comedy bit, unfortunately, but it was still something that held some weight to the film. If only for the first third or so of it. And it was nice to see Hux being the dramatic bitch for once.

There have been arguments and speculations over Hux's actions during the film, and they all have valid points. But, given the circumstances, it was probably the best the Hux fans would have gotten out of it. And I know that some of us are staunchly refusing to believe he is actually dead. Because, you know, it was never confirmed on screen. We'll know more when we get our books and comics.

Allegiant General Pryde

I had been expecting more. A waste of a good actor, really (like a lot of this film). He's stone-faced and one dimensional. Sure, we don't really want our space nazis to be overly likeable, but this character wasn't really fleshed out for the audience. He was just something severe for the film goers to look at. Something tacked in to make a connection with the Empire and the First Order. His character roll could have easily been filled in by Hux instead. Just a shame Richard E. Grant didn't get more to work with. He was still interesting to watch, for the most part. 

New characters

Look, it's a big wide galaxy, full of billions and trillions of life forms, but we don't need to be introduced to every single one of them. Yes, the point of the Resistance is to help these sentient beings and to fight for them, but having too many given to us at once is just asking too much of the audience. We get that it's a vast place, but do you think the audience will care overly much if the film focused on the characters that have already been established, rather than introduce, possibly, old flings of Poe Dameron, and countless other nameless sentients? Even those of the Resistance? For that matter, what about characters that had already been established but never got any proper characterisations? The Knights of Ren, for example? What happened to them? Nothing. They were faceless, nameless grunts that did the foot work, with little given to make them even remotely interesting. They were just there.

Rose doesn’t get much screen time at all. But it was good to see that her role in the Resistance played to her strengths.

The timing of Comedy and the dialogue

Like I said before, there was a lot of information and most of it was given to us through dialogue. About half the time the dialogue in this movie was clunky. Especially when it came to delivering the key points of the whole film. Nothing was visual. The only time we got a visual output of information it was later overly explained. We didn't need all the talking! It was too much noise in an already noisy franchise. And the dialogue for the comedy, what was that? It was very modern, is what it was. I get that you need to placate the audience in some ways and give them something they're familiar with, like stuff from The Office or any other current comedy show from America or Canada, but that really didn't hold well in this universe. It was awkward. Some of the running gags were alright (they fly!) but the main examples I can give would be the following:

'Be a little more positive' (I'm paraphrasing, my memory isn't that good). This is given in response to some bad news. The answering dialogue? 'Everything's going wonderfully'- or some such. To a situation that really shouldn't be joked about.

'You're relieved to see us.' 'Oh, yeah, so relieved. Thank god you're here.' Stormtroopers being Jedi mind tricked can defiantly lead to comedy, TFA showed us that. Here, it was just weird. There wasn't anything funny about it. It feels too much like a Marvel movie, with a joke being thrown in every ten minutes.

Having said that, Palpatine's dialogue was on point. There's no denying that.

The finale of Palpatine and Rey

Ok, look, I’m not really sure if I like the whole ‘Rey being Palpatine’s granddaughter’ bit, but what can I really say on that? Their scenes together were still good. Rey is still Rey, and the Emperor is still his groovy self. 

Redemption

Look, the whole point of redemption isn’t whether someone deserves it or not, but still. Did Kylo Ren really need redeeming? Given his action, through all three movies, I don’t think it was the right direction for his character. The sudden change, brought on by the death of his mother, was a little much. (And I don’t even know what to think about the way Leia’s death was used in this). Yeah, he’s had a shock to the system, and he’s probably fed up with the constant push and pull from all sides, but I don’t think he actually was redeemed? It didn’t seem like it to me, anyway. He just threw away another aspect of his life he didn’t like and tried for something else. Does that make sense?

The Kiss (Capital 'K', to emphasis my dislike for it)

The Kiss. The. Kiss. Why? Just, why! It wasn’t needed (and apparently only put in in re-shoots?) Honestly, I knew it was coming (another spoiler, thanks for that guys) and I was dreading it the entire film. The only way I can logically see it playing out, Rey was just so relieved to be alive that she just had an impulse of sudden idiocy? Like, the whole film, the dialogue between them wasn’t romantic, in any sense. Not to me, and not to other people I’ve talked with about it. Seriously. I honestly think these two just wanted to be friends, but wouldn’t be because of their aversions to one another’s actions/ beliefs. ‘I offered you my hand’, that wasn’t at all like a marriage proposal. Every time Ren mentions Rey taking his hand it genuinely just feels like a desperate plea for friendship. Watching them kiss was disheartening. The fact that these two complex characters had been reduced to fan fodder like that, a decision made for some bizarre reason, just felt so disappointing. They worked well as a team, they could have worked well as partners, but a romantic relation between the two just never seemed feasible. The actors did the best they could, but you could tell they didn’t like the re-shoot.

Things I found interest:

There were actual female voices given to the stormtroopers this time. It's always been established that any stormtrooper could be anyone but this was the first time I could recall hearing different voices. You could actually tell them apart

D-O is adorable, end of discussion

The cinematography was amazing. Not quite as striking as what we were given in TLJ but still good. As always. I really enjoyed the Sith Throne Room and every scene in Exegol

Emperor Palpatine's final form outfit was beautiful. I want one. I will have one

The design of Sith Rey's lightsaber was wonderful. Good use of a double bladed saber that can fold. Pity we didn't get to see more of it

The whole scene of the festival, and the children, was just beautiful. Don't care that it took away form the plot a little. They were happy and grooving around

Better choreography for lightsaber battles

Hux's 'boardroom' scene

The fact that they actually took time and care to show that Chewie would grieve for Leia's death

There were other defector stormtroopers

Leia's lightsaber

Rey's lightsaber

Hux with a cane

The music. Oh, the way they spruced up Rey's Theme for this film was good. I distinctly remember it playing towards the end, as she's looking up at the stars, and hearing Jedi of the past bolstering her. Looking into her eyes and hearing her theme playing was really something

And probably some other stuff that I'll remember when I go and see it again

Rise of Skywalker wasn't really good or bad. I don't know what to think of it. I think it just needed to establish itself a little better in terms of the tone of the overall film. It just didn't sit quite right. Too many movies crammed in to one. If they had made two parts, it was have worked much better. But, of course, they couldn’t break the Trilogy Recipe.

Anyway, rant over. I’ve probably missed a lot, but these were just some of the things I remember now. The themes and messages are all muddled and I’ve never been very good in analysing those. So yeah.