#this reminds me the hype back in the day when the album was released for the first time

[jmdbjk]

Episode 1: The Beginning

Beyond the Star, produced by HYBE Media Studio

Opens with a flashback of Namjoon explaining their belief in the concept of how any art, any genre of art, can change the world.

This opening footage was recorded during a press conference for CONNECT, BTS.

A good explanation of what CONNECT, BTS appeared on DAZED, January 14, 2020.

It was a huge wide-ranging global art project to link visual art to music art. This is one of the installations in New York City:

Then we see scenes of them arriving at Incheon Airport in February 2020.

In February 2020, they were about to embark on the MOTS world tour. They were really pushing into the western market, especially the United States. They were headed to the States to start promoting on the talk show circuit and for magazine interviews. Western media was all over BTS. The public relations hype for their tour was huge. It was going to be HUGE. BTS was HUGE. At this point in the documentary we see english speaking fans trying to buy tickets for this tour.

This was the beginning of the year that would be their magnum opus. 

Leading the docu-series with this reminds everyone what was supposed to happen and the impact they hoped to make here in the United States, to ride the wave of their success as far as they could go until they had to stop. Keep in mind they did not have any full English songs yet. 

As far as they knew, this would be the end as we knew it, the end of Chapter 1. We all know what was to follow the MOTS tour even though no one wanted to speak about it: Enlistment. Jin would enlist December 2020 even though rumblings of a potential military exemption were beginning to buzz.

This period of time and after was when MANY MORE became fans of BTS. MOTS:7 was a record-breaking album. They were riding HIGH.

The scene of them being told the MOTS tour was cancelled is gut-wrenching. It makes me think of the content they filmed that day (March 8, 2020 a music show?)

and I wonder at what point during the day they were told. Jimin and Hobi did a Vlive:

There are scenes of MOTS cancellation day in 2020 Memories, but not THIS scene of them being told the tour was cancelled. 

Then we jump forward to scenes of the members on the beach in LA (end of 2021) recalling their feelings and thoughts about the previous (almost) two years (the pandemic), reflecting on themselves. They had to overcome frustration, and change and adapt to reality. 

Some of them were able to do that easier than the others. We know Jimin had a rough time, and it was challenging for Jin, Tae and Yoongi. Namjoon and Hobi worked on music. Yoongi wondered what was the point of even releasing music at all.

Jungkook says even though they were sad, something good came of it, they realized how much singing and dancing – performing – meant to them and how it superseded everything else.

Jimin says he and Namjoon spoke about how they needed to organize their thoughts over the years pertaining to the reasons they are doing what they do, how they feel and what they want to do, perhaps in order to help them sort through the pandemic aftermath and to serve as sort of an outline of how to proceed... it is sort of how the rest of this documentary series unfolds: the past, the present, the future.

Namjoon begins sharing thoughts of how he felt in the beginning and we flash back to 2013 debut. And the rest say their thoughts about how they began. This is a good way for newer fans to understand how they began: hearing their words as mature adults reminiscing about their roots and their start. 

We’ve heard the general story of how they began with RM first and the rap line was assembled, then the vocal line was added with Jimin being the last to make the team. Bang PD recalls how impressed he was with Namjoon and knew this was someone special. 

I’m positive there were opinions, decisions and choices made that we will never know because we weren’t there witnessing the moments. Whatever those decisions were, some probably forgotten in time or only known by a few involved in the process, however it happened, these seven individuals were settled upon and the team was created. The rest is history. 

No one had an inkling of how much they would change the idol and kpop industry from what they then knew it to be.

Preparing for debut: one of the things Jungkook says is they expected hardships back then but looking back now, if he tried to do that now, he couldn’t do it, but back then, it was a given. Yoongi said they spent every moment in the practice room when they weren’t eating or sleeping… up all night practicing, so much stress and pressure amongst seven young passionate young men trying to make a good debut.…you can see the stress and fatigue on their faces.

Through all of that they reveal how hard they worked and how deep their commitment is. They felt it was important to convey this deep personal connection to each other they developed and how strong their bond is.

The events might be repetitive for people who’ve been Army since the beginning or since before 2020, but for the benefit of newer fans, presenting their story like this in the words of each member is important. 

The author of the book Beyond the Story, Myung Seok Kang, explains how much of an underdog BTS was in the beginning. They were from a small, barely making it company and had the audacity to win Best New Artist in 2013 at the Melon Music Awards. 

Hearing them state how they felt during that debut year, their young minds trying to process what was happening, thrust into society at such a young age, seeing their friends still being students, they had to reconcile within themselves that their lives were so different.

Jungkook (our now giant global pop star) said he remembers how small he felt hearing another really good singer in his in-ears as they prepared for a performance.

Watching them struggle to come up with the melody for Danger, working on it as a team from Jungkook, to Namjoon, to Yoongi, note by note… at such a young age and then not experiencing the expected success or gains after they had done that with the previous song… they thought this would be the end for them. All they wanted was to win first place at a music show…. CAN YOU IMAGINE?? The team was wavering.

Newer fans need to be aware of this struggle.

All of this led to them writing the album, The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, the real start of their rise to stardom. They finally bagged that 1st place music show win with I Need U. The win gave them the confidence they needed to push forward and they kept winning with each song after that. Seeing their confidence grow after each win is exhilarating.

This album is the turning point in their career, the launch pad, so-to-speak.

And the song, Yet to Come (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life) is the thread connecting Chapter 1 to Chapter 2 and beyond. We will have a Most Beautiful Moment in Life 10th Anniversary in 2025. This docu-series is the bridge between what was then, now and what is … yet to come.

Review of Episode 2 next…

[joyswonderland1108]

Weird.

First of all and before anything else, good morning to me (It's currently 3:28pm for me lol) i set my alarm right at 9:00pm KST so waking up to my baby bunny is just

Today JK really said "It's OT7 for y'all bitches" love to see that, he also talked about GOLDEN and how it was a term used to describe him, like golden closet

Uhm he also said that he wrote a poem called "Golden" and spoke about the present which to him was a golden time. I can't believe he didn't mention golden maknae T-T Unless i missed that part.. But anygays, ah! Muy precioso 💜

Now the point of this post is something that i might've mentioned before but i've seen it today again and i was scratching my head. I'm not gonna mention names, i'm not gonna say what they do as to not narrow the possible search for who this is, but one thing i can say is that they're a Jikooker.

Now don't get me wrong if you want to follow solo accounts that are unproblematic, just post about X member, hype them up, without being disrespectful to other members, then you do you again i'm not going with a herd mentality the whole "I don't like this person so unfollow them, report them and block them" to me as long as there's nothing problematic then you do you.

The thing is that this person for a while now but even today has been liking and reposting very solo-ish posts, the type of posts being mad about comments asking JK to play this or that member's songs, saying that this live should've been about him yada yada, and this is just MY take, my non-solo take, feel free to agree or disagree.

The thing is, JK himself suggested to play songs, if members songs weren't suggested then other artist's songs would've been suggested, this is not the first time he puts on music on his lives and if anything to me JK looked really happy listening to the different members songs, he even said that he misses the members and this is not even the first time he reminds us that he is looking forward to 2025 when they will all reunite again, yet some people are having their panties on a twist that people talk about 2025.

You say that the live was supposed to be about him and his upcoming album and my question to you is, what in a 1h+ live can he say about an album that is yet to be released without spoiling anything? Am i missing a chapter here or did any other member talk for 1h about an album that is yet to come out? The only thing we know so far about the album is that the design, what comes in it, there are 3 different version + the WV one, there are 11 tracks including 3D, Seven Explicit and Clean version. So exactly what do you want him to tell you and i like to say that again WITHOUT SPOILING his album?

I want to also remind you that he was on Stationhead for 3 days where he took the opportunity to talk about 3D so again making him repeat the same things he said during those 3 days will just be repetitive for him. Why can't we just respect the fact that JK actually loves his members and genuinely wants to be reunited with them later and that he actually appreciates listening to their songs and the different colors they each have?

There's just too much projection here, just because YOU want him to talk about himself it doesn't mean that HE is uncomfortable talking about other things. A little reminder that JK had no problem calling out problematic comments before and even said that he is ignoring some comments, so instead of treating him like a child who can't make a decision for himself, know that if JK wanted this live to be about his album only, that is coming on November 3rd in case you forgot, he would've done that, he would've actually said that today's live he wants to focus on talking about it.

I want to take this opportunity to bring back something that had me rolling my eyes so far back i could almost see my brain. When there was talk about a world tour and people gave a logical explanation as to why it MIGHT not be possible based on JK's words, not anyone else's. Yet some people took a very solo-ish position to the matter bringing up the subject about MS and how he is still young and doesn't have to enlist right now that we can't make the decision for him when HE himself talked about the subject and made it clear that he too will be enlisting so they can all come back in 2025. (And by the way that one person liked and reposted those type of posts too..)

I don't know if people realize that by projecting sometimes you're basically discrediting a member's own words and wishes, we are here to listen to them and listen to what they want us to understand, yes i don't get to make decisions for them but YOU also don't get to do that.

Why don't you take the opportunity of using the remaining time for the album release to prepare questions you want to ask him about the album cause by then he would be able to talk a lot more about it, you can even prepare some questions for the possibility of him coming live after his KBS show later? Like instead of dramatizing every situation, think wisely, don't think with your own selfish feelings and remember that as much as you are a human and have feelings and needs, JK does too, he doesn't have to accommodate to what YOU want.

And again and again and again, JK is a grown up, i don't know how many times he needs to tell you, to show you, for you to understand that he isn't on a leash, he will do whatever he wants and if he doesn't like something he will simply not do it there's no gun pointing at his head to do something.

I don't know how do people even find time to whine when they're watching his live and seeing him happy, smiling, i find myself dumbly smiling back no time for drama, i'm just happy to see him on a lengthy live after a long time, i'm just happy to be sitting here watching him sipping on his concoctions, enjoying the music, singing, showing us his lil Tiktok corner, etc..

Please learn from him and grow tf up.

Salutation.

(I might do another post later and i say i MIGHT because this is a cultural one and people never seem to be ready to accept culture diversity --")

Side note: STREAM 3D AND PREPARE PLAYLISTS FOR GOLDEN!!!!

[jjkk1m]

Ranking TripleS' Performante songs after having bought their album (my opinion, no hate 👽)

1. Vision

One my personal favourites! And very underrated - from what I've seen on tiktok.

It's groovy, funky and upbeat which is rlly what I love. The electric guitar/bass (I'm not educated on instruments) makes me wanna dance like a white girl when there's coleslaw at the function.

Also the last 'so we can fly' being airy is so 😍.

Overall, the song is an 11/10 for me and was an instant hit for me when the album dropped and proud to say I claimed it when the highlight medley came out. Bonus, Sohyun being a part of the production for this song makes sense why I hype up this song everytime. She does NOT miss!

2. Éclair

TripleS and their French... they did it again. They ate! And with the lalala's too!

I love the weird little sound in the back of the chorus. Reminds me of that one guy that had the tube in his mouth and sang with it on 2020 tiktok.

Also the bridge is HEAVILY underrated cuz why am I seeing no one talk about it on Tiktok? I'm a sucker for cool rap sections 😪

I give this song an 11/10 too cuz it's just so perfect.

3. 12 Rings

At first, I was a bit weary when the highlight medley came out, but after a few listens I fell in love with 12 Rings.

The high, light and airy notes paired with a complementary song = absolute masterpiece.

Can we also talk about the harmonisation in the chorus? Cause I swear I started ascending to a different dimension?!

Just a chill song that I'd listen to at night when reading fanfics, a solid 10/10

4. Choom

This song makes me want to go on a run or a joyride with how upbeat it is.

The riffs/guitar with the drums pairs so so SO well with this song. I'd kiss this song if possible. The vocals too?! 🤌 the small outro with the lalala's definitely gives the song the closure it needs.

Overall, a song that I could get my friends into, so I'd say a 8.5/10

5. Bionic Power

The song I was most hyped up for ever since it was one of the songs that we could vote for, for Assemble24. When the announcement for track came out, I jumped in joy seeing Bionic Power.

After hearing this song, I'm glad this was a b-side instead of the ot24 title track since it doesn't give that tt-vibe. But I'm so grateful it's giving to Vision@ry Vision since it fits their vibe perfectly.

I still listen to this song everyday because I'm in love with it. Also Yubin's part in verse 1?!?! 😍 I be shaking my ass to this song ngl

But, I wished the song was more harsher and hard hitting similar to the demo/snippet from Assemble24 gravity since I (and other WAVs) think it would've sounder much better. But I guess it was to let their voices be heard more? Still, I would've preferred the louder beats but we still got Bionic Power 🙏 also wish they included the 'Te Quiero' part from the demo, wanted to see their Spanish side come out.

This song is a good 8/10 in my books. Very well but could be improved!

Bonus: I need someone to release a bass-boosted version of this. I need my loud Bionic Power back 😩

6. Hit the Floor

For a title track, I enjoyed it!

Nothing too special but was a very solid and one of my favourite tt's of TripleS (below Generation and Girls' Capitalism)

I already learnt the chorus after the first few days of it releasing.

The final chorus' vocals in the back gave me Supernova by Aespa which I really liked.

Basically a pretty good title track! I still listen to it daily and do the dance with my fingers and imagination, so it's a 7.5/10!

7. Atmosphere (VV ver.)

I don't really mind this song. Don't get me wrong, it's good but personally, it's nothing too special and doesn't stand out for me.

I do like how they moved the beginning of the demo around from when Lovelution and Evolution performed for their special stages to the bridge instead since it does fit better imo.

Personally, it doesn't really catch my attention, but I'm sure after more listens, I'll enjoy it more. So it's 7/10!

8. Love Soseol

Sorry Love Soseol, but unfortunately, ur last place for B-sides for me.

Not that I have a problem with this song, it's just that I don't really find myself wanting to listen to Love Soseol. In the off-chance I do, I like it. But if I had to go thru my playlist, I'd pick the songs above in the list over this song (no hate)

What I do like about this song is that it's a chill song that also makes me wanna go on a joyride!

It's definitely a calmer version of Choom which I do love, but nothing too special for me. I give it 6.5/10 sadly.

9. Visionary Vision - Outro

I'm a sucker for TripleS' intros and outros, and it was super hard for me to choose between which one I preferred more. But I decided the outro is better.

The outro gives me underground vibes, don't know how to explain.

I can see this being a more fleshed out song (if it were made) and it just attracts me more since I prefer their outros compared to their intros in their other albums for some reason.

5/10

10. Visual Virtue

Last place is the intro.

See, I do vibe with it but I don't listen to it more compared to the outro on a daily/usual basis.

But I really do like the callback to Rising with their lalala sample

Don't rlly know what else to say other than its was ok 🤷‍♂️ 5/10

☆☆☆

General:

In general, speaking of their albums, I rank this 2nd place under Lovelution's Muhan (since their b-sides are unbeatable).

I rlly loved and vibed with this album and listen to it daily cuz I gotta stream them!

I wish they gave out more than 1 photocard in their albums but I pulled a Yooyeon pc!

I'm grateful that most of my bias line (Naky, Kaede, Sohyun and Xinyu) was in this sub-unit and that Hyerin (my ult bias) was voted leader! I'm proud to say I was one of the Hyerin voters and advocator 🗣🔥 (I contributed 1 como)

I give Perfomante a 8.5/10!!!

(Still sad abt Bionic Power)

[no-barbies-for-quitters]

my mom has told me many times that she would know if i wasn’t myself by asking me what my #1 taylor swift album is.

she would know it wasn’t me if i didn’t say 1989.

and it’s always been this way. i was 10 years old when it was originally released. it took over my life as the first album i ever listened to fully.

around middle school i realized there was something about me that had irreversibly melded with 1989 when reputation came out. i wasn’t the biggest fan at first, and people (bc it was middle school) decided that it would be fun to say that taylor’s music was going to be exactly like reputation forever.

you couldn’t say 1989 was your favorite anymore and as a middle school girl who, looking back on it, was probably just as mentally ill as i am now if not worse, i had the great idea to stop telling people i liked taylor swift at all. i didn’t listen to a single one of her albums from reputation through evermore all the way through and only listened to midnights once the hype had kinda calmed down.

back in june my dad realized that for someone who, as far as he knew, didn’t really like taylor swift i sure did know a lot of stuff about her and apparently decided to tell him all of it. he surprised me and sent me and my mom to denver for the eras tour. before it even started i was joking with my mom about “oh i probably won’t cry during the songs everyone else does but watch me cry through like shake it off or something”.

apparently i had been given the gift of prophecy because not only did i cry through shake it off, but also the entirety of the 1989 part of the concert.

i realize now that both of my parents probably knew why i suddenly stopped liking taylor swift in middle school, because i went to a very small school so the same people who decided that 1989 wasn’t what real taylor swift fans listened to then were the same people who decided that folklore and evermore were the greatest things under the sun and hyped up midnights so much then claimed they hated it when, at least for me, it reminded me of 1989 a little bit.

when 1989 tv was announced all i saw on all my social media was “repost this to claim being a 1989 stan before taylor’s version releases!”

i didn’t repost a single one because why should i? everyone i knew who was reposting those were the same people from middle school and high school. i don’t need to claim something that i spent way too long trying to hide from people.

today marks one of the most important days in my life. not in a way like “oh i got into college” or anything. it’s an important day for me because it’s “acceptable” to like 1989 again.

the thing is, i don’t care if it’s acceptable or whatever. i just get an excuse to be as annoying as i want about this album. i’ve never been so excited for an album to drop. i feel like i’m going to explode from excitement. and if people ask why i’m so excited about this when i clearly never cared about any of her other albums (lies. they just weren’t my favorite), i just get to say that this is my album. everyone has an album they think of as theirs. this is mine and it always has been.

this is not only the day that 1989 tv drops. it’s the day i bring back a core part of myself and live it the way i should have been able to 9 years ago.

and by that i mean i’m not going to hide it for any reason ever because god knows that wasn’t good for me.

anyways, happy 1989 tv release to all who celebrate!

[wozman23]

Early Thoughts on Linkin Park's From Zero

Linkin Park leaked, and this is the most interested I've been for an album since the disappointing M2M. If you’ve read my music posts, my love/hate relationship with LP is well documented. They used to be my undisputed favorite band. But their reign was fairly short lived, lasting just from the release of Hybrid Theory, through Meteora, and up until the day that M2M leaked. The high of discovering them on MTV one day and the low of hearing M2M after the promising live version of “QWERTY” created the deepest chasm. From then onward, I found myself more and more disappointed with their direction, finding only glimpses of glory from a few, select tracks. Many other bands flickered in and out of my favorite spot, many of which had elements that reminded me of LP (NIN, Stabbing Westward, STARSET, various post-rock groups...). Then Chester died, and I really didn't want to listen to LP at all.

Slowly, with the anniversary releases, and the unreleased content that came with them, I found a renewed interest, and I found myself enjoying their early work more again. And then we got the news that they were back. And the timing felt right.

"The Emptiness Machine" was a great first single. And "Heavy is the Crown," which I tuned into live when it debuted on YouTube, increased my hype level exponentially... But then the ballad-y "Over Each Other" brought me back down to earth, not doing much for me. As accepting as I was of Emily, with no Mike, it just felt like it could have been a Dead Sara song. So would there be enough Hybrid Theory with this release for me? Or would it ultimately disappoint?

I'll have to spend much more time with From Zero, but my early opinion after the first few listens is that it's a tale of two halves.

The first half, outside of the singles, feels pretty safe and underwhelming. There are some tracks that feel like they bank on sounds that favor nostalgia. "Cut the Bridge" feels like "Bleed it Out" version 2.0, relying heavily on the downbeats, but that's no necessarily a good thing for me. I've rarely gravitate toward a four-on-the-floor song or anything with such a simple backbeat. "Casualty" reminds me more of the experimental albums, feeling like it'd be more comfortable coming up in the garage of a punk band or the early industrial scene. And that's just not the sound I'm looking for from LP. I guess the one positive there is that its unrefined sound does kind of feel like something they could have put out in their early days, and this is supposed to be a fresh start for them, much like a reboot to the days of Xero. But overall, the nostalgia and feel of things up to this point falls mostly flat for me...

But then, things slowly begin to shift...

“Overflow” feels like a nice reboot of the album, like the beginning of Side B. It’s got a calming funk to it that feels fresh. Then, from its close, everything really picks up steam. It also marks the return of the 3+ minute tracks, which - aside from "Heavy is the Crown" - feels like the sweet spot for length.

"Two Faced" might just be the heavy track I was looking for to follow "Heavy is the Crown." It definitely feels like Hybrid Theory, or even Xero. It starts with a great guitar riff, and a vicious verse from Mike that feels like an instant classic reminiscent of something like “In the End.” Emily throws down a great chorus. And Joe adds in some stellar scratching in the bridge. I thought it might be my favorite, but from here the album just keeps building momentum. I'll put it in the Top 3 for now. At this point if feels like things are chugging along. Maybe that's just a sign of how good "Two Faced" is, or maybe things just shifted more in my favor. (Side note: The leak I’m listening to is a web rip and the audio quality felt like it took a hit starting with this track, but somehow that almost amplifies this song’s strength, giving it a raw, unrefined, gritty feeling.)

“Stained” follows a similar format, with a slightly mellower approach. Where "Two Faced" is a scream, "Stained” is a relaxing breath. Mike and Emily compliment each other well, and Emily’s combo of predominantly more clean vocals with some harshness peppered in sounds so good. Her melodies really lift this one up.

“IGYEIH” turns back towards the heavier side. It’s one of those tracks that I could easily see existing in the universe where Chester were still here. In a few instances with certain songs, even in Mike's solo work, I've felt as if I could almost still hear Chester in the mix, and I definitely feel him here. That's probably because it feels so much like Linkin Park. It sounds like Linkin Park. And it encompasses all the aggression and angst and energy that is Linkin Park. It feels comforting, yet evolutionary and modern.

Then the album closes with “Good Things Go,” my early favorite, another more mellow track, that pretty much instantly brought tears to my eyes. It’s so beautiful that I really don’t want to say anything about it. It transcends comparison and contrast. Closing the album with it was a brilliant choice. I can’t wait for it to reverberate its way through this world.

[fantastickkay]

Album Review of the Week: Christina Aguilera - Liberation (2018)

Starting in 2015, Christina began teasing a new album release. Telling interviewers that she was writing, or in the studio, and that it is coming soon! After a couple of years of saying this, it was getting maddening! There were a few sporadic single releases now and then, but nothing solid to kick off a new Xtina era. Finally, 6 years after the release of Lotus, we get Accelerate in May 2018 - a LEAD SINGLE!

For the next month, we got a healthy dose of promotion (which is rare these days). 3 more singles, a TV performance, a couple of Instagram lives and finally on June 15 2018 (my birthday weekend) Liberation is released! In hindsight, I do believe all of the hype made me enjoy this album more than I would have otherwise. It has a lot of trendy hip hop influences which are not really my style, but of course Christina puts her own spin on it and you cannot discount that voice! I listened to this album a ton when it first came out, although the cracks in its foundation soon became apparent.

We get two different "intro" tracks, along with a song introducing the project (as she likes to do). Liberation + Searching For Maria should set the tone for the project, but they really don't go with the rest of the project all that well, very different sound. Maria introduces the concept that she is searching within herself to set herself free (Maria is her middle name). This song contains a Michael Jackson sample, although I cannot figure out which song it is from as I am not too familiar with Jackson's early work. Being track 3 and an extension of the intro, the song drags on a little bit however it is fun, sounds good, has a hard hitting beat.

Sick of Sittin' has a really cool "live performance" vibe and a really funky bassline! Originally, this was one of my favorite songs but as the listens add up I find that I don't really understand the concept and I don't really like how her voice is in a higher register yet still low which almost sounds like a melodic shriek. The lyric "Be thankful I gave you this, cuz I don't need it" okay then don't put anything out - I could be completely missing the point but I just get the feeling that it is kind of directed to the fans, or the media in general. There are more lyrics like that, but that stands out the most to me and takes away from enjoying the song.

Fall In Line begins with an interlude - Dreamers - which is spoken word by a group of girls of different ages declaring their dreams for the future. It is quite cheesy, but I do love the little girl at the end that says "I want to be president" - very cute. Fall In Line was the second single, and the TV performance, featuring Demi Lovato. As expected, the two vocal powerhouses are not holding back and we get some crazy notes and runs! The lyrics are poignant and I like the low voice in the background, it really adds to the dark mood.

Right Moves is one of the better tracks on this album! First of all, it is always nice to have a track or two with Christina's relaxed vocal. The laid back mood of the whole thing is really nice as well, especially following a couple of loud/heavy tracks.

Overall, Like I Do is my favorite song - which is crazy to say because it is basically entirely hip hop which is not typically my style. In fact, featured rapper GoldLink is the only voice we hear for the first minute! But when Christina comes in, she is HERE. The beat is great, the lyrics are engaging. Some of the lyrics remind me of Cher's Disaster Cake, initiating the new generation of pop girlies. In case you need a little reminder / I've been doing this way before you / Boy you already know my story / You were raised in all my glory ... Where you want to be, I've been before

I am not much of a fan of Deserve. I certainly don't want to discount her truth or the truth of others that may be listening, but I am not a fan of this concept of "doing mean things to test that you really love me, because I don't think I deserve you". Plus, I am not a fan of the vocals on this one, at least in the chorus. They are really high but not really done well in my opinion. They are way up on a shelf and not about to come down. I do like the vocals during the pre-chorus though. There is a tinge of vulnerability at the end of each line - I'm sorry, let's fix this

The vocals on Twice, on the other hand are fantastic. The layered harmonizing, the low notes. This one drags on a little, too, but at least it sounds great!

I Don't Need It Anymore is a short interlude that I do not need anymore. It is totally unnecessary, the vocal layering is nice but we just got that in the last track. And we have that almost shrieking vocal again. Anyway, it leads into Accelerate which was the lead single. This song was very polarizing, it took me a long time to really appreciate it. While I don't love the choppy vocals, the energy is good enough that it can be overlooked! Very confidence inducing.

Pipe is another standout track, I really like the chill hip hop beat and relaxed vocals.

Masochist and Unless It's With You are two ballads to close out this disjointed album. I am not a fan of either, again the lyrics are contradictory. I mean, she is talking about "I don't want to get married unless it's with you" which clearly is not true as she was engaged to her fiance for 4 years at this point and they still aren't married another 6 years later! I hate to gripe about the personal life of someone I do not know but when lyrics are clearly contradictory I just get a little befuddled. If I am missing a point with any of these takes, feel free to let me know!

While there are some true gems, this album is all over the place in terms of sound which makes for a confusing and somewhat labored listen. Pretty quickly, I learned to just put the songs I like into playlists and call it good. Obviously, Christina Aguilera will never lose her passion for singing, but the artistic direction and conviction is lacking with this project.

Standout tracks: Right Moves, Like I Do, Accelerate, Pipe

[cherry-flavoured-dreams]

Felt like re rating the clancy album 2 months later after release because I've listened to each song like 100 times now and can definitely tell u how I feel about each

Over all how much I like the album 9/10

The songs in my order of favourite:

1. Next semester - This song has such a special place in my heart, the lyrics + the music are great and I have like a few core memories related to this song, it actually started snowing hard here which NEVER happens when I first heard this song and I went outside and the ending of the song started playing and I was so in awe at how beautifully it was timed. Then I heard this song at the concert in London 9th May literally best day of my life I still can't believe I actually met them and they signed my sketchbookkkkk. And then yea just the entire part "ooooo can't change what you've done start fresh next semester" I literally levitate to heaven every time i hear it 10/10 song

2. At the risk of feeling dumb - literally SO GOOD it's so good literally both the message and the song itself are so perfect I love it sm

3. Navigating - YEAAAAAA bro the amount of hype and energy I feel the second I hear this song and the guitar and drums I JUST AAAAA HELL YEAAAAAA and then the way he sings "My oh my" IS SO GOOD AND NICE TO LISTEN TO? banger song

4. Routines in the night - I GROOOOOVE to this song my god it's so good I can't believe that navigating and routines in the night are some of Tyler's least favourite songs he wrote on this album literally HELLO WHAT thank you josh for making him keep them on the album because I can't imagine a universe without these songs I think I'd die I love routines in the night it's literally perfect for listening to while walking around at night

5. Midwest Indigo - okok this is SO specific but it reminds me of kids by kyle Dixon and Michael stein from stranger things but instead of it being a warm summer vibe it's a cold winter version of it? LOL IDK I love it though, especially the silly little "What's your ETA? 2 MINUTES! Chill out man we're right on time" it's great. Plus I in general find the song very relatable so it's high up here on the list.

6. Snap back - THE WAY HE SINGS "I have seem to run out of excuses as to why I am this is way" UGHHH I LOVE IT but no yea this song is really nice to listen to when Im in a low mood and keep over thinking. The melody is so simple but his voice enhances it by like 1000%

7. Backslide - I actually find it very similar to snap back in terms as to why I listen to it a lot, I like how he isn't afraid to make songs about things like this. I think the lyrics "I should of loved you better do you think that nows the time you should let go?" unintentionally helped me get through a really tough period of my life I've had recently, just in general this song was too perfect for the situation I was in.

8. Overcompensate - BANGERRRRRRR AAAAA 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 I absolutely love the build up in the beginning and the drop it reminds me so much of jumpsuit

9. Paladin strait - oh my god OK another really specific reason I love this song - I literally maladaptive daydream 24/7 no over exaggerating, and this song I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS but around the 2:46 mark when it starts building up my daydreaming just kicks in so goddam hard I have such a vivid OC animatic in my head to this song (I honestly do to most songs I listen to) but boyyyy MmMMMMM this one hits hard and good. Ok anyway the song itself I love it, especially the ending part I wish there was a whole ukulele version where he sings the whole song like that.

10. The craving jennas version - ok this is funny because I used to dislike this song and would skip it, not because the song is bad, it's beautiful and absolutely adore it especially now that stuff has changed in my life, but because I wasn't able to listen to any love songs without feeling sick and upset. Now that I'm better I absolutely love listening to it, it's such a beautiful song and you can really see how much he loves his wife

11. Oldies station - I LOVE listening to this when I'm travelling on a bus or a train and just seeing the cars and city go by, i really feel like I've grown as a person and understand the song so well.

12. Vignette - I actually never go out of my way to listen to this one, not sure why, I'll happily let it play it's good but I just literally prefer every other song

13. Lavish - This is gonna get me killed but never have I once ever disliked a song by TOP... Except lavish I'm sorry I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS I JUST CANT LISTEN TO IT IT'S THE ONLY REASON THE ALBUM IS A 9/10 FOR ME and i wish I could like it because it's literally like a meme within the fandom and I love the music video but the song itself I just skdhdhdjsksbf I DON'T KNOW yea I apologise it's not my thing 😔😔😔

Yea in conclusion BANGERRRRR 🚨🚨🚨‼️‼️‼️

[needyoulikeaheartbeet]

the tortured poets department: the anthology - first listen

THIS IS SO EXCITING So I have been exhausted 25/8 because of work and my body constantly aching from long covid (i love ma life) so I only got to listen the next day I tried to stay up until midnight but I literally only made it to ~11:45 lmao

My eyes popped out of my head when I woke up to a double album drop - 31 SONGS TO LISTEN TO IN ONE GO I WAS SO HYPE I also laughed bc ofc taylor did a surprise release and now we have 31 new gems to treasure HERE ARE MY FIRST THOUGHTS !!

1. Fortnight SOFT SYNTH OH HER VOICE?????  OH I LIKE THIS  Y DID THAT REMIND ME OF FLORENCE OL ENDLESS FEBRUARY… I LOVE YOU ITS RUINING MY LIFE  I really like post malone  HELL YA  FLORIDA She said america its like she said my name

2. The Tortured Poets Department Ok drum O no fuckin body alright gf SPARKLY Charlie poot  You awaken with dread, pounding nails in your head  I laughed in your face and said - i like how she sings that!!! Wow her lows and highs in this song are wild! Bridge is best rn in this song !! oh wow jack lucy wowee  Omg the ring?????????????  Hello jack

3. My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys Oh okay her VOICE Miss voice The deep parts helloooooooooooo  This wasnt the sound i thought we’d get for this song at all but this is cool (i was expecting like a sultry old timey jazzy "my boy" song in the same like arena of the start of christmas tree farm old timey version lmao) Litany This is gonna get stuck in my head often i can already see it i can already tell  Danger in the heat of my touch  Once i fix me hes gonna miss me???? Wow thats so real  Told me im BETTER OFF  Imma shake my fist

4. Down Bad THIS SOUND HELLO? Ok but her oice?????  YAAAA What is this noise bro  Oo cosmic love But the way she sings the verses???  Ofc hi jack  Its gonna grow on me ik aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA bubble sound There are so many f words  I might just die it would make no difference real  Ok but these worbly sounds are nice  THAT SOUND AT THE END GIVES lana vibes

5. So Long London Hello choir  Oh so SO long LONG OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lmao Oh  Ok i kinda love htis  Ok i love her VOICE HELLO?  OO Omg Omg Omg THE SPINE BRAIN MAKE LAUGH LINES WOEOWOEWOEOWE (why did i write brain? HAHA) OH THE TRAGEDY STUF that is so good  Whoa holy shit the lyrics  ALL THAT YOUTH FOR FREE???? N HER VOICE? WOW  2 graves 1 gun  OH LAYERING IS THAT PIANO OR SYNTH IDK ITS SO GOOD My mouth has been open Her voice im screaming i love it and the FASTNESS SO GOOD  THAT GUITAR  Bro????????????????????????? I want to put this on repeat

6. But Daddy I Love Him I want to prance on my tip toes and throw leaves one by one  Reminds me of a 2000s movie Omg jack and aaron on this one  Im vibin Ok bitchin Omg thats a WILD part lmfaooo HELLO?  Thats kind of crazy lmaoooo like i get it but wowee  Its giving ours vibes  Im having his BABY? yeah you should see my face LMAO What is happening in this song lmao IM NOT CATCHING ALL THE LYRICS YET ITS TOO SOON AND NOW I FEEL LIKE THAT MR KRABS MEME   i like when she sings it was chaos etc

7. Fresh Out The Slammer OH HELL YEAH ELL  YEAH I AM ALREADY INTO IT Interesting drum  Wow her range in this song too that was so low  Is that a violino PRETTY MELODY O it slowed down  Ok i like the ending bit

8. Florida!!! her vocals MUAH LIL REVERBY GUITAR the drums threw me off ok florence vocals! so flowy bodies body in my mind they sink into the swaMP???? ok the home and town part is nice at the end here oo

9. Guilty As Sin? Ok beat AM I ALLOWED TO CRY !!!!! Ok chorus is NICE  Ok so far this is my second fave!!!!!!  Ok i really like this  WHAT IF HES WRITTEN MINE ON MY UPPER THIGH ONLY IN MY MIND Without ever touching his skin HOW CAN I BE GUILTY AS SIN BEECH Theyre gonna crucify me anyway HOLD ME OO Wow religious hello  Nice bridge Oh I choose you and me religiously eEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Oh wow interesting way to jump back into the chorus that is different I LIKE IT Ok IM INTO THIS

10. Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me? This is reminding me of 2013 idk why  OHHHHHHH YOUDONT GE TTO TELL ME ABOUT SAD YES BEECH OH WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YES  OK YES  The guitar and the intonation and her VOICE YES SCREAMIN HELL YAAA Omg i love this  Ok another top song  Omg i love this  Ok this is #2 … or #1… !! Everything about this !!!!!!!!  WHOS AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe SELF WRITTEN YAS Oh the but what ifs so real lmaoo  Omg yes Asylum where they raised me?? Bb :(  drunk on my own tears???  Lol put narcotics into all my songs ha ha Circus life made me mean Lured hurt taught caged ??? calle dcrazy? Aw :( i am what i am cause you traine dme??? Oh

11. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) Ok i liked that first sound Good guitar Shes delulu ? Texas part was lana like Wow face… that was really low   Domme vibes ????? good boy? Come closer? Ill show you heaven if youll be an angel all night? Okkkkkkkk maam ! Oh i liked i told you hes my man hec ya Lmao whoa maybe i cant thats funny

12. loml Pinnano Ok this is going to be nice  Omg i thought i was better safe than starry eyed ok!!!!! This sounds sweet  I like  Topper  Aw the way she said you said im the love of your life about a million times  Blew in with the winds of fate omg  Omg the fakes line  CONMAN WOW Omg never before and ever since HER VOICE STHUSHGRJ THIS IS A STORY WOWOEWOE OWEER I love this Omg the vocals in th eback  Mr steal your girl then make her cry wow  UNRECALL SONG!! Omfg cant get out of bed bc something counterfeit is dead OKKKKKKK This is a top song Valiant roar  Bland goodbye Woweweowoeoweooweotwetirfv Nfkjnksjnsn Braids of lies !!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so good stfu :(  OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD YOURE THE LOSS OF MY LIFE SHUT THE FUCK UP SOMEONE GUESSED IT WOULD GO FROM LOVE OF MY LIFE TO LOSS OF MY LIFE SHU T UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP Im crying btw holy shit that was so good.

13. I Can Do It With A Broken Heart Oh zippy  HEY EY EY Lol  Aw while on tour Mirroball? Hello lol  He said he’d love me all his life  Omg thats so fuNNYYYYYYYYYYYYY SHUT UP LMAO Barbie !! It's giving Barbie!! LOL Im laughing so much this is great  Im so depressed, i cry a lot  Amaizing. So real. What a professional  LMAO i cannot  IM SO DEPRESSED I AC TLIKE ITS MY BIRTHDAY EVERY DAY <3  I CRY A LOT BUT I AM SO PRODUCTIVE ITS AN ART Ok i love this so much lmaoooo  Cause im miserable! And nobody even knows!!! What a professional queen  LMAO TRY AND COME FOR MY JOB? I love her stfu  I wanna listen to it again please omg

14. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived Ofc jw lmao help me  who the fuck was that guy  Oh the beat is building  Omg ? Who tf ghosts taylor swift ? im gonna fight Rusting my sparkling summer wow  Oh my god this is savage i dont miss what we had but could someone give a message to the smallest man who ever lived KNGKJFNG Deep voice Oh bridge vocals YAAAAAA STRINGS YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA You deserve PRISON?? GIRLL Slip through the bars that was nice  CRASHED MY PARTY NICE  PERFORMING nice i love how shes singing these parts !!!!!!!!!! Ok i like how that tied up and ended neat

15. The Alchemy Ok i like this alreadyyyyyyyy It's reminding me of Glitch??? idk why Love white wine  Ok yaaa ! Smooth  Low vocals allooo  But even the instrumentals i love  Top ranking  song  Oh winning streak sound in the back i love

16. Clara Bow Ok i like the heaviness of the guitar yes Think i might die! Aw lights of manhattan  Promise to be dazzling Stringy sound!!  Stevie nicks!  Knew this was aaron  Suits in LA - i love when she does this in songs man idk she does it so well :)  Im dancing  Beauty is a beast etc nice  Girlish glow flickers just so omfg nice  Its hell!! On earth!! oMG THIS PART IS SO NICE STFU You look like taylor swift?? Omg  The futures bright dazzling DUDE SHE DOES THIS SO WELL SHUT UP I LOVE SONG WRITER TAYLOR SWIFT. this is so soft Reminds me of The Lucky One

17. The Black Dog This sounds sad already Oh  Oh that is sad Oh its a bar You forgot to turn it off  :c  Best laid plans!!!!!!!!!!  Oh in the shower  Rain soaked body was shaking omg ............................. IS THIS MY SHOW. ok erica not everything is abt u BREATHING CLEAN AIR SMOKE OGMKGJF Aw :( set fire to all my clothes  hello jack Omg our/my dreaming

18. imgonnagetyouback WE WONT GET FOOLED AGAIN NONO Thats the vibe Ok nvm

Oh Thats nice This will grow on me fr sure NICE BRIDGEEE LOL even if handcuffed Oooo play the game part Im poison either way skfjdn Ok going back into chorus was v nice end chorus is so nice w back vocals

19. The Albatross AARON VIBES  I like how her voice sounds it is TO MY TASTEEEE Ok this is a top so far i think  It is giving folklore  Oooo vocal range  I'm dancing And i tried to warn you about them that is very taylor sounding 

20. Chloe Or Sam Or Sophia Or Marcus Why cant my name be chosen Oh i like the piano hello??????  My bones out?  Oh the guitar? Bro this is SO pretty Oh this is so good wowowowow Its building up ?? i love this This tops the albatross  Depths of your sigh??  Her breathin?? Float in your orbit Her voice !!! stop it! I love this SAY YOU LOVED ME AAAAAAAA Oh vocals i love Will i always wonder TOP SONG HOLY SHIT i am hurt

21. How Did It End? Ok hi vocal i love u  SO MUCH? Wow Omg the QR CODES Flower! I love the piano and her voice wow  Oh i love that so much the VOCAL TUNE Learned the right steps to different dances!!! Top song i think idk omg  I would do so bad singing to this by myself between verse and chorus oof lol Oh guitar heading into bridge i loooooooooooooove this stuff Yes aaron My beloved ghost and me thats cute I cant pretend like i understand either

22. So High School GUITAR BEBIIIIIIIII very good DRUMS This is p different!! LOW Cute this is giving like 2000s romcom vibe  Lol thats cute marry kiss or kill me INTERVIEW - OMG BETTING ONALL THREE?  Awwww car door This is so cute Ok this part is cute and catchy you knew what you wanted and boy you got her !!  She is so in luv very cute  Ok im dancin this is really cute I feel so high school every time i look at u !! TRUTH DARE SPIN BOTTLES thats so catchy i love it  I can dance around to this for sureeEEEEEEEEEEEEe ok i love

23. I Hate It Here I hear u countin This is so aaron I like the concept of secret gardens I also hate it here  1830s good clarification omg shes so right This is good??? LUNAR VALLEYS !!!! Only the gentle survived Wow this is so REAL I dreamed about it in the dark the night i felt like i might die? Omg. is she me?  This is very real i am hurting Ill save all my romanticism??? HELLO? Made me feel worthless? CURRENT FLIES THROUGH ME? LOVE  Wow i love this song? This is a top im not kidding  An anthem  YOU ARE A POET TRAPPED INSIDE THE BODY OF A FINANCE GUY LMAO?  Sorry Finance guy 

Thats so funny I loved this song Im kinda crying now though i feel seen  Tbt the story i tried to write in high school called the art of disappearing

24. thanK you aIMee I like her voice  Down the stairs? I cri lmao  I cant forget the way you made me heal!!  Laughing at each baby step i take? Same searing pain!!!  Aw. prayed that one day i could say !!!  You know what i am totally with this fuck you aimee hell yeah  KGNKFSJGFSNGFSKG ANDREA LMFAO PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WISHED YOU WERE DEAD??? ANDREA!!!! LOL  OMG I BUILT A LEGACY THAT YOU CANT UNDO. GOOSEBUMPS.  Wow  Bro this is good?  Aw bea tmy spirit black and blue  Im laughing so much about andrea PLEASE Aw i pushed each boulder up that hill  This sounds country This warm my heart idk ilu taylor what a complex feeling to capture

25. I Look In People's Windows Same Dancing to this guitar  I spied the catch in your breath ooo  Chorus is fun  Omg what if your eyes looked up and met mine OOOOO LOVE VOCALS If someone looked at me while i was looking into their house id scream This is a nice song  Does it feel alright to not know me  OMG Im addicted to the if onlys  This is so good LOL like im some deranged weirdo  The downtown part man wow

26. The Prophecy I heard the countin  Oooo i like where this guitar is taking us  Ok so far im enjoying this  Caught lightning in a bottle  Oh!!! Cursed like eve ot bitten!!  Change the prophecy wow  Aw Just wants someone who wants my company :(  Ok dude this is so good??????  This is literally so good?  DRUMS HELLO IM HYPE  Very last drops of an ink pen  This is so good????? BUT EVEN STATUES CRUMBLE IF THEYRE MADE TO WAIT Greige Aw So someone will tell me itll be okay Is that string instrument?? This song is the version of the hello god its me when will it be my turn meme Omg vocals wow that was magical  REminds me of seven

27. Cassandra Placing daydreams  PIANOOOOOOOOOO Omg in ym tower weaving nightmares? They say what doesnt kill you makes you aware what happens if it becomes who you are  Payroll line is like the vibe i thought my boy etc wouldve sounded  Omg no one heard NICE SNAKES omg i understand  Do you believe me now omg  A mourning warning no one heard wow  Omg she sang so low how does she do that

28. Peter Oh i LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this piano  I wanna learn it  This is self written  Omg peter pan???  Promises ocean deep but never to keep Is the sound muffled I LOVE THAT OLD TIEMY 25???  Oh shelf life omg  Lost to the lost boys chapter of your life !! Oooo the way she sang the light speak now vibe  I really love the piano  the repetition is an interesting choice i need my brain to process it and figure out what it mean

29. The Bolter I like the soun I like story :)  Cute melody  Oh WHORE ok!! caught me off guard ngl  lmaoo  As she was leaving it felt like breathing !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Making him care oh All roses portrait poses omg  LOL what a charming saturday!  Oooooooooo littlest leaks  races/aces sound nice  Escape in escaping nice  Hands around each others shoulders and swaying to the beat and singing lmao  Then i would jump abt all her lives lol  Sounds nice 

30. Robin Pinnano Her voice sounds so clean and smooth  Omg thats the aaron beat  Wow deep voice Her range  Aaron guitar sounds or is tha tbass  Looooooooooooooooooooooong may you roar  In sweetness  tiger…WOODS?  Tbh idk whats happening in terms of lyrics i am not processing them right now but her voice is pretty  This is about a child? And childhood before you are CORRUPTED ? owwie :( wholesome :(

31. The Manuscript PINNANO Good voice i like I love the story tellin  Is this the first time she said sex  I eat kids cereal  Oh :( owwie Aaron sounds  Good vocal omg One last souvenir  Oh but the story isnt mine anymore wow!!!  What a journey! 

this album is incredible

[lastchancevillagegreen]

Monday, 25 September 2023:

The Greater Wings Julie Byrne (Ghostly International) (released 7 July 2023)

I bought the new Allegra Krieger album recently and she reminded me considerably of Julie Bryne, causing me to wonder what it is about plaintive female singers that attracts me to their music. To ensure I wasn't merely remembering something incorrectly, I pulled out my two Julie Byrne albums (2014's Rooms With Walls and Windows and 2017's Not Even Happiness) and played both of them and discovered I was still in sway with Bynre's music. That in turn lead me to check her discogs page and it was there I discovered she had recently released her first album in six years!

I came upon Bryne via Grapefruit Records, Simon Joyner's label, as they were hyping her debut which was on Ordinal, a label out of Chicago. Grapefruit distributed Ordinal, the label her debut was on at the time and they could not say enough great things about her (I understand hype is to sell). I bought it (it was an era when i seemingly would buy anything Joyner/ Grapefruit hyped) and it did take a few spins to warm up to the sparse music and unadorned voice. But once I broke through I was crazy for Bryne's work.

I had no clue she had a new album out and the instant I saw it, I couldn't hit the Buy It Now button on discogs fast enough (nevermind I was a few Shines in and it might have been midnight or later). Above you see the album cover and the back of the album. Below you see the enigmatic hype sticker.

What is "Secretly Society"? It's nothing more than a Record Club (whose choices include Lump, Angel Olsen, Phosphorescent (where the hell is Phossy these days), Yoko Ono and other odd choices. There are plenty on this list I don't care for (Japanese Breakfast) but plenty that I do care for making me wonder, who makes these weird decisions? It all seems way too "vinyls babies" to this music lover. And by the way, one year's membership runs you $240! (Three months is only $75 which I suppose is cheaper than buying it in a record shop...maybe. I certainly didn't spend $25 on my copy of this album.)

Below you will find the inner sleeve, front and back.

This album was pressed on white vinyl (the Secretly Society version) and you can see the two shots of that white vinyl below.

Below are the A and B side of the labels. Please, note the difference in them. I find it rather interesting.

This came with a download card. I like it when companies put an effort into their download cards. Heck, I like it when companies still include download cards! (Until I saw the back of the card I didn't even realize Byrne had a puffball sweater on!)

Finally, I became familiar with the label Ghostly International way back when I was a member of This Is My Jam. I followed a dozen people or so and I'd spend way too many hours listening to new music (I don't believe bandcamp existed then). One of the many albums I bought via This Is My Jam was Rhine Gold by Choirs of Choir of Young Believers. It currently resides in my closet. Anyhow, when I received that album I also relieved a sticker of their logo which I promptly applied to my moleskine that I use to document The Festive Fifty which is what my brother and I call our year end party where we tell one another what our most played 50 albums were on the year. I've been using this particular notebook since 2005! You can see said notebook below.

By the way, I just discovered this link via...God's Jukebox: https://www.goldflakepaint.co.uk/new-music-julie-byrne-summer-glass/

[spacefoxy]

Some more exciting Eric Carr news to come. Boy, 2019 sure is a great year to be a fan.

On October 12th, Rockology is getting a re-release with some extra goodies included!

Also don’t forget the brand new box set that is in the works currently. More news about that are to come later.

[havethetimeofyourstyles]

in which you’re harry’s assistant and harry needs to open his eyes.

a/n: ASSISANT!YN has finally arrived! this took me three weeks and a half to write, so please enjoy and kindly rb with feedback! i’ve had this concept in mind for SO long, and i’m proud of it! this is also inspired by my love for the barcelona pic, pictured on the left, that I think about on the daily along with some thoughts in a dressing room! also picture on the right at the final show is an aspect in the story as well!

also big thank you to my bestie @stylesloveclub for screaming and hyping this up for me while I rave about it, ily!

enjoy a long slowburn of 26.3k words of a friends to lovers fic that’s filled with angst and some smut! genuinely be ready for the angst hehe

COME INTO MY INBOX AND LETS TALKING ABOUT WANT YOU HERE! i’d love to know your thoughts and feedback!

pls rb to share! <3

16 December 2017

The smell of fresh flowers brought allergies to your senses as you shuffled and continuously rubbed your nose with a tissue. 

You were at the flower shop with two bouquets in your hands as you debated which bundle to get. You were given specific instructions to find a bouquet that’s full and big with the color white being the dominant color of the bouquet, and your options were a white orchid bunch, which weren’t your personal favorite, but it was one of the white bouquets, and your other option was a white lilac bouquet with a couple of white roses and baby’s breath around the large lilacs. 

“Do you need help choosing a bouquet?” The lady that was named Vicky asked. She had an expression of curiosity as she was probably wondering if you were going to buy anything since you’ve been standing in the corner for quite some time as you tried choosing which bouquet to get. 

“Oh, no. Thank you,” you replied back with a smile, and she nodded her head, walking away to help another customer, but you knew she was going to be back to ask you again in the next ten minutes if you don’t make your mind up right now. 

After another three minutes of deciding, you opted for the white lilac bouquet, and headed to the cashier. You gave the employee your number for rewards since you were at the flower shop quite a lot that you’ve managed to rack up some points in order to get a free bouquet. Once you paid and were on your way, your phone rang in your purse. Struggling to reach for it as you were holding the big bouquet and a few shopping bags, you moved to the side to set your paper bags down on the ground, and quickly grabbed your phone so it won’t go to voicemail. 

“Hey,” you answered cheerfully, knowing exactly who it was. 

“Hi there. Where are you?” The voice from the other end asked. 

“I just left the flower shop—should be there soon.” 

“Okay, perfect. Thank you for everything.” 

“Harry, you don’t need to thank me every single time,” you chuckled. “I’m your assistant. It’s my job.” 

“I know, I know. It’s just…I’m grateful for what you do,” he said thankfully. 

“I know, and I’m grateful for having this job and working for you. So, thank you also.” 

“Look who’s saying thank you now,” he joked, and you laughed. “But I’ll see you soon. Walk back safely, please,” he said, bidding you goodbye. 

“Always do. See you,” you hung up the phone, picking up the shopping bags, and walking towards Harry’s place. 

You’ve been Harry’s assistant for quite some time now; exactly two years. You started working for him when you were both twenty one, and he had just gone separate ways from the band. Harry was in the midst of writing his very first album and planning his first world tour as a solo artist in smaller theatre venues, and desperately needed an assistant to do some basic errands and remind him of his scheduling. Luckily as Glenne’s friend, you were in need of a job. You were fresh out of college as you had your bachelor’s in public relations, and being friends with someone who’s boyfriend is in the industry has its perks. 

Glenne had immediately recommended you once Jeff mentioned that Harry was looking for an assistant, and since Jeff had met you a handful of times, he told Glenne to call you in for an interview, but somewhat knowing that he was going to hire you already since Harry desperately needed one and you were a friend. 

When you walked into the interview, you were greeted by Jeff and Harry. That was your first time meeting Harry, and you were quite shocked that he was a real person. Of course you were a fan of him, and you were still surprised whenever Glenne talked about him, but when you saw him for the first time, you immediately thought that he was more gorgeous in reality. 

“So nice to meet you,” Harry said, shaking your ring filled hand. The coolness of his metal rings met your shaky hands, and sparks had immediately shocked your body. 

“Great to meet you too. I love your shirt,” you complimented. He was wearing a bright blue button down shirt with a cherry blossom print on it with a white t-shirt underneath along with some black skinny jeans and brown boots. 

“Thank you. Your trousers are very nice,” he said back, looking down at your pants. You were wearing burnt orange corduroy pants with a white semi turtleneck blouse with a pussybow tie on it, along with some black booties. “Actually, I love your whole outfit,” he added, and you chuckled, trying to hide your blush. 

Never in a million years would you have thought you would meet Harry, let alone Harry complimenting your entire outfit. You’re really living the dream. 

The interview went extremely well and only lasted about thirty minutes. The first ten minutes were some generic interview questions because they still had to keep it professional, but the last twenty minutes consisted of asking about your interests and simply getting to know you because you would spend most of your time with Harry. 

At the end of the interview, it was quite obvious Jeff and Harry knew they wanted to hire you. They loved your personality and how you made jokes, especially how you laughed at Harry’s jokes, which he thought was a very important aspect of being his assistant. 

Jeff exited the room, telling you he would be right back, but really he went into his office to grab some paperwork for you to sign. That left you and Harry in the conference room alone as you made conversation with him about university. You also told him that you were a fan of his, which you thought was a mistake to tell him because you’re sure he doesn’t want a crazy fan to be his assistant and practically have access to his personal life, but he said gratefully said thank you, and asking if you had a favorite song off new released album. Your favorites off his album were ‘Only Angel’ and ‘From the Dining Table.’ 

“Good picks,” he teased. 

“I would hope they’re good picks. It is your album,” you teased back, making him laugh, and he thought that it was a great choice making you his assistant. 

Once Jeff was back, he opened a folder, taking out various paperwork before Harry broke the news and told you that he’d love for you to be his assistant. You hadn’t expected to be hired on the spot, or be hired in general, but there you were, reading over the contracts and signing your name at the bottom of the last page along with the date. Jeff and Harry both shook your hands, telling you that they were excited for you to be along with the ride, and you told them that you were excited as well. 

You had thanked Glenne a million times for getting you an interview, and till this day, you always made sure to thank her because one mention of your name had gotten you an opportunity and a well paying job that you actually really loved. 

Harry also made the job bearable; not truly treating you as only an assistant, but rather a friend who helps a lot. Throughout the years of knowing each other, you and Harry had grown quite close. With always being around him, it was like hanging out with him, and you were thankful for that because you were sure no other job would feel like this. Harry also doesn’t give you difficult tasks either. He just has you go on coffee runs or run to the store to grab him something, but the most work you’ve had to do for him was to call several people on his guest list for a party he was hosting last year or write out his whole schedule for the entirety of the year. But nothing strenuous that would leave you frustrated with him. 

He would also make sure everything that he assigns you to do is okay for you to do, and you really appreciated that, but you would do anything for that man. 

You stood in front of Harry’s door, setting your bags down onto the floor before you reached into your purse to grab your keys where a spare key to Harry’s place hung on the metal ring. Before your hand could even find them, the door swung open revealing Harry smiling at you, looking impeccably sharp in his suit, which caused your heart to flutter. 

“Ah, thought I heard you. Here, let me help you,” he grabbed the shopping bags from the ground and the flowers from your hands, leaving you empty handed as you followed behind him into his home. “Thank you for getting these. I’ve just been so busy lately,” he thanked once again as he did on the phone. 

“Yeah, I know. Afterall, I am your assistant,” you teased, and he laughed as he studied the bouquet. 

“This is a lovely bouquet. Good pick,” he said, and your mind immediately goes back to when he said that to you for the first time at your interview. He said it quite often as you ultimately always make the decisions when he asks you to go out and grab something for him. 

“I thought so too. Also,” you opened one of the shopping bags, taking out the garment bag before unzipping the entire thing, “I got the exact dress you asked for, and get this: it was the last one in her size. Lucky man, you are, Harry Styles,” you handed him the Yves Saint Laurent black dress so he could get a better look at it, and he held it up, smiling. 

“It’s perfect. Thank you so much, angel,” he said, and you slightly blushed from the pet name that you would never get used to. 

Harry started calling you ‘angel’ when you were two months into working for him. With all the work you do for him, the pet name had slipped out, but it stuck once he kept calling you that. You loved it--a lot, and you hoped that one day, he wouldn’t forget to call you that because you would miss the simple name coming out of his mouth very much. Plus, it was fitting because your favorite song of his is ‘Only Angel.’

“Are you excited for tonight?” You asked. 

“Yeah, I am. It’s been a while since I’ve properly taken her out on a date, so I’m stoked for it. Pretty sure she is too.” Harry had a busy schedule. With being involved in interviews and promo for his upcoming tour, he was a busy man, which you knew of course. But it had affected his personal life greatly. 

“Well, I’m happy if you are. I hope she loves the dress,” you said painfully. 

“She will. She’s been talking about it for a while now. I just hope she didn’t go buying it without telling me because that would be really awkward once I tell her to go change into this,” he chuckled softly, and you joined him, agreeing. Harry quickly checked the time on his phone as it read 6:30 p.m, and he carefully placed the dress back into the garment bag and zipped it up. He grabbed the bouquet of flowers and his wallet on the counter. “I gotta go. Gonna be late if I don’t leave now. Lock up for me if you decide not to stay, yeah?” You nodded, walking him to the door as if it were your house. “Oh!” He turned back around because he had forgotten something, and you were holding up his keys already, and he chuckled. “Thanks again. You’re a lifesaver. Don’t know what I’d do without you,” he leaned in to give you a brief kiss to your cheek, which he has done often, and you waved at him. 

“Have fun tonight! Call me if you need anything,” you called out from his front door and he waved the flowers as a sign of goodbye before getting into his car. You watched him reverse out of his driveway and drive off to his girlfriend’s house. 

With a sigh, you closed the door, looking around at what needs to be done. Harry’s place was relatively clean. He just had some things laying around on random surfaces, and you think that was probably because he was in a hurry, so he just placed them on the nearest surface. If Harry were here, he would probably tell you that cleaning up his own mess was so unnecessary and that he doesn’t expect you to, but you know that he’s grateful you’re doing it anyways. 

You were silent as you tidied up his house, putting things back in his closet, and washing the bowl of yogurt and fruit he eats in the morning. It was an unnerving silence, and you just wanted to make any kind of noise just to fill the quietness that was slowly eating you away. You grabbed one of his shirts off the ground that slipped off the hanger, and you brought it up to your nose. His scent filling your senses as you closed your eyes, taking his smell in. You inhaled enough to practically take away his entire scent that was left on his shirt to fill the satisfaction in your body as you pretended he was close. 

As you did that, you uncontrollably sobbed into the material, letting out a heartbroken cry as you covered your face with his shirt. You slowly sank down to the floor, completely sitting down on the cold tiles. The sudden outbreak of your cries weren’t new; they had made their appearance when he left for dates or after he was done talking about someone he liked. When you would go out to the store and grab things he wants gifted. When he would call you angel while he was with the devil who was keeping you two apart. 

Once you calmed down a bit, you thought about how hugging his shirt was the closest you would get to him as you wished you were the lucky person he would be greeting them with his presence and a pretty batch of flowers, but he doesn’t even know your favorite flower.

It was the next day, and you woke up in the comfort of your own bed. 

You had taken an Uber home around ten p.m the night prior as you figured Harry was still on his date and perhaps wouldn’t be coming home till later. So, after watching a movie on his couch and having dinner, you turned off all of the lights and locked up as you headed to your place for what you hope is a relaxing night. 

A weird feeling had taken over you as you got ready for bed and it felt strange. You knew you weren’t yourself, and you hated that. The outburst of your crying was long forgotten as you climbed into bed and slept the day away. 

Once you had woken up from your deep slumber, your charged phone was ringing with your text tone. Groaning, you stretched your body from the tenseness from your sleep before you reached for your phone, unplugging the charger. You rubbed your eyes and blinked a bit as the brightness of your phone was straining to your vision. When your sight had cleared up, you were greeted with various messages from Jeff, asking if you had heard from Harry or if you’ve seen him. Going to Harry’s message, you hadn’t received anything, so you texted Jeff back and told him that he hadn’t contacted you and the last time you saw him was last night. Jeff immediately texted back, asking you if you could kindly go to his place and check if he was there, and you instantly said yes, a bit worried as Jeff seemed to be worried as well. 

You got out of bed for the day, not wanting to leave, but knowing you had responsibilities, you got ready for the day, doing your normal hygienic routine.

 It was Sunday, and usually on Sundays, you didn’t have much work to do since it was Harry’s day off as well. That is, if it’s not on tour, he gets a nice little day to himself. So, you chose a comfy outfit—one where you wouldn’t sweat so much as you walked to Harry’s house in the summer heat. You opted for a big t-shirt and pairing it with black biker shorts, and some sneakers. With one last look in the mirror, you were out the door and headed to Harry’s house. 

The day was beautiful as the sun was out and the sky was blue. Rarely any clouds to overcast the sun, and there was a slight breeze in the air, making the walk more bearable so you wouldn’t sweat all that much. 

Once you got to Harry’s house, fortunately, it wasn’t that far of a walk from where you live, you unlocked the door and walked in. 

“Harry?” You called out, looking around the living area. His shoes that he normally wears out are by the couch, so he should be somewhere. He might still be asleep, you think. You walk up the stairs to his room, knocking lightly before entering. And what you saw was something you wanted to erase from your memory forever. “Oh, fuck! Sorry!” You immediately slammed the door as you stood still outside of his room, in disbelief of what you just saw. 

You had just witnessed Brooke giving Harry head. They were both obviously naked, and her actions were on full display too because the bed faced the door and Brooke was on the side of Harry rather than in front of him as she had his dick down her throat, and of course, Harry had his head back, simply enjoying it because what guy wouldn’t. 

You heard shuffling through the door, and that took you out of your spaced out mind; quickly walked down the stairs and to the kitchen, grabbing yourself a glass of water, feeling yourself get flustered from how bare Harry was in front of you. 

“God, does she ever learn how to fucking knock?” You heard Brooke faintly say as they both walked down the stairs, most likely thinking you didn’t hear, but you definitely did as her voice echoed throughout the whole fucking house. “Hey, girl,” she smiled once they both made it to the kitchen, and it was the fakest smile you’ve ever seen. No wonder she’s a good actress, you think. 

“Hi,” you said back, sipping your glass of water as you avoided eye contact with Harry. 

“Hi. What are you doing here? Do I have to be somewhere today?” He greeted, but immediately asked questions as if you were invading his privacy and day off. You looked at him very briefly, but remained your sight on his marble counter. 

“Uh, no. Jeff told me to come here and check on you; said that he hadn’t heard from you, so he was worried,” you explained, glancing up and Harry nodded. 

“Oh, okay. The last time I talked to him was before I left, but I hadn’t checked my phone since. Was it anything urgent?” You shook your head, realizing Jeff never really explained why he needed Harry, but you brushed it off. 

“He bought me this lovely bouquet of flowers and a pretty dress for dinner!” Yeah, I know. I was the one who got them, you thought. “Then he took me out on a boat ride, and we came back here-”

“Spare me the details? I already know all of this. I am his assistant afterall,” you said in a not so friendly tone, interrupting her and not wanting to know the details of what happens in his bedroom that entails Brooke. Usually, you weren’t so harsh to anyone, but you had a reason to be a bit stern with Brooke because she bites back. Unfortunately for her, you bite back even harder. 

Harry and Brooke have been dating for what seems like forever, but it’s really only been about six months. You tried being nice to her--you really tried, giving her your patience, but every time you see her, she would act cold towards you. Of course not in front of Harry because he thinks she’s an absolute saint, but she was the complete opposite of that. She was the devil and you were the angel. But of course, Harry doesn’t see that. 

Brooke gives you a harsh look, rolling her eyes a bit as Harry grabbed a glass of water for both of them. She turns to him, giving him a big smile before reaching up to kiss his lips, knowing exactly what she was doing in front of you. She then took a sip of her water, hugging Harry before she said, “I gotta go. Have a meeting at ten. I’ll call you?” Harry nodded, walking her to the front door, giving her one last kiss before she was off and Harry shut the door. You scoffed to yourself as you watched them, rolling your eyes in a way to attempt to hide your pain. 

Harry walked back to the kitchen, leaning on the counter, matching your stance. 

“I’m sorry you had to walk in on us-”

“Harry, it’s fine. I should’ve waited before I knocked,” you tried to get rid of the thought of seeing Brooke’s mouth on Harry. That was the first time you’ve walked in on him like that--fully bare on the bed while in action. Brooke was probably his first serious girlfriend in years, but he’s had some one night stands here and there, which he called you in the morning to pick him up. It wasn’t your preferred task to do because of the pain you would always feel when you would see him walk out of the house he just slept in, but then again, he is your boss. 

It was a bit quiet between you two, and Harry thinks that it’s because you practically saw his dick on full display. Partially it was for that reason, but it was also the way Brooke would treat you almost every time she sees you. Harry thinks back to when Brooke was in the house, and he could practically feel the anger from you when she was there. 

“You know, you could be a little nicer to her,” he stated, recalling what you said to Brooke and how you said it. 

“Well, she could be nicer to me in general,” you raised your brows, waiting for what he has to say about that. 

“She is nice to you. She always talks about wanting to invite you places, but she comes back sad because you’re always so quick to turn her down.”

“Brooke has never invited me anywhere. In fact, she’s never said a word to me unless you were there,” Except for that time a couple of months ago when you two had a little chat that ended up with you in tears at the end of the night. You laughed as you were in disbelief that she would actually lie to Harry that she actually wanted to be friends with you. 

“What? No. She’s always talking about wanting to get to know you more, but you just shut her down,” Harry’s brows furrowed, and you laughed even more. “W-What’s so funny?”

“Harry, you would know if she would have talked to me because I would’ve told you, but your girlfriend has never mentioned anything other than…” you trailed off as you stopped laughing, not wanting to overstep or overshare some of things that Brooke has really said to you. 

“Other than what?” He noticed that you cut yourself off. 

“Maybe ask her if you wanna know. I gotta get going,” you said, brushing it off as if it didn’t matter to you as you avoided his suspicious eyes while you headed for the door. “Make sure to call Jeff too. Oh, uh,” you turned around to find him following you to the front door, “Did you need me to do anything for you while I’m here?” You asked, still knowing that he was your boss. 

“Oh, hmm, no. Don’t think so. Enjoy your day,” he said, and you got off of his doorstep.

“Bye, H-,” you were interrupted by the sound of his door closing. You raised your brows in confusion as Harry never really interrupted you, especially not like that. He would usually wait for you to get in your car and pull out of the driveway, but he didn’t even wait for you whatsoever. 

You tried not to make it a big deal because you figured he was frustrated and probably a bit pissed that you weren’t so nice to Brooke, but how could you cover up her lie like that especially if she was so mean to you? You grew some thick skin when you first started working for Harry, and that meant that you learned how to stand up for yourself no matter who is talking to you, not even Harry’s girlfriend. 

You groaned; on the topic of Harry’s girlfriend: how could he possibly think she’s a nice person? She put up such an act in front of him, and whenever he’s not around, that act is the complete opposite. 

When will he realize what’s right in front of him? That’s been right in front of him for years now. You were tired of meeting his new love interests and picking him up from other people’s houses when he could be at yours without worrying about going anywhere or leaving because the morning would be spent cuddling and making breakfast together. Oh, how you envied the people he got to hold onto tight and freely kiss as you wished for those lips to land on you as he called you angel. 

The thought was driving you insane because you wouldn’t dare tell him whatsoever. Afterall, he was your boss and it would be awkward if he didn’t feel the same way. But you think he would never see you in that way, so you keep your mouth shut and hold your heart close as you just go with the flow despite the pain you feel. 

20 December 2017

Harry was laying on his back breathless as Brooke collapsed right next to him, deeply sighing as she tried catching her breath. 

“How does it get better every single time?” She giggled as she was in a post orgasmic state. She shifted so she was laying into Harry’s side, cuddling him as he wrapped his arm around her. He smiled, kissing the top of her head. Brooke’s hand roamed his chest as it was her way of showing that she would like to go for another round. 

She started kissing his chest and his neck, and Harry wasn’t opposed to the idea, but the sound of his phone vibrating on his bedside table had killed the mood. 

“Don’t answer it, please. Want you again,” she sat up slightly and buried her head more into his neck as she kissed and sucked his skin. He was so close to listening to her, trying to block out the sound of his phone, but as it kept vibrating, he realized he couldn’t ignore it. 

“M’sorry,” he sat up causing Brooke to pull away as she groaned, laying on her side of the bed. Harry picked up his phone and Brooke had a little peek at who was texting him. He had changed your contact name from your name to your nickname ever since he started calling you ‘angel,’ and it’s been the same ever since. He loved it; it added a little flare and he would always smile when he sees your contact name pop up on his phone. 

“Does she always have to make an appearance at the worst times? Or in general?” She asked, but the last part was definitely muttered under her breath as Harry was too focused on reading your texts. Harry had sent out a text  a few hours after you left on Sunday, saying that he was sorry for being rude and practically slamming the door on you. You had texted back saying that it was okay, and that you were sorry for being rude to him too. There were no rude remarks towards him, but your tone had said otherwise, and you knew that you could’ve handled that conversation better. 

My Angel: Hi, H. I was wondering if you wanted to do some suit fittings before you leave to go back home or after? Let me know so I can tell Lambert and Harris. 

“Sorry. She’s just wondering if I’m available to do some suit fittings for the upcoming tour,” he said to Brooke before texting you back. 

H: Preferably after the holidays. We’ll do it right at the beginning of January. 

“Isn’t she your assistant? Why doesn’t she just schedule it already?” She asked cluelessly. 

It wasn’t like Brooke was stupid. No, she was smart. But there were some things that didn't click for her, which makes Harry and anyone have to explain things twice. She would usually have her assistant do everything for her without confirmation, and Brooke would just go with it.

“Well, I still have to approve of it, love. Can’t just book me without me knowing,” he chuckled slightly. 

My Angel: Okay, perfect. I scheduled the fitting for January 4th. That’s okay right? I know you’ll be back before New Years, so I just wanna make sure. 

He always loved how you were so cautious about everything. Sure, he wanted you to let loose sometimes and not take everything so seriously, but you two were a perfect team because you need to keep him in check sometimes, but you did let loose and have fun off the clock. 

H: Yeah, should be good. Thank you, angel. xx

My Angel: That’s what I’m here for! You don’t have anything scheduled for tomorrow before you leave. Do you wanna get some coffee before your flight? Say at 8?

He smiled down at your text. Brooke noticed, which made her furrow her eyebrows in confusion, so she started rubbing his back and his stomach as she tried getting a look at his text messages. Once she saw a bit of it, she climbed on Harry’s lap. 

“Do you want to get lunch tomorrow before you leave? I’m gonna miss you,” she pouted slightly, and Harry had only glanced up at her very briefly before looking back down at his phone as he was in the middle of responding to your question. 

H: Sure! That’d be great. The usual spot?

My Angel: Yes, the usual :) see you then, H! 

He grinned before locking his phone and placing it back on the bedside table. He looked up at Brooke who was impatiently waiting for him to give her attention as she had her arms crossed. 

“Well?” 

“Oh, sorry I’m actually getting coffee with Y/N,” he frowned slightly, somewhat feeling bad rejecting her offer. 

“You don’t wanna see me before you leave?” She asked in an annoyed tone, getting off his lap to sit beside him on the bed. 

“W-What?” He said in disbelief. “You’ve been sleeping over since Saturday. That’s why we planned for you to stay here until I leave right?” He stated obviously. They clearly talked about her sleeping over after their date on Saturday until he leaves to go back home for the holidays. So, he’s wondering if she’s missed something or she’s just acting like this to get a rise out of him. 

“You think four days is enough? You’re gonna be gone for two weeks until I have to see you again, and you would rather spend your time-” 

“Four days is a really long time! And I’m seeing you for New Years. I don’t understand where this is coming from,” Harry got off the bed and pulled on his boxers. 

“I’m just saying…she’s already your assistant. Why do you have to spend so much time with her?” Brooke asked as she got under the covers as she watched Harry pull on his sweatpants. 

“She’s also my best friend. Where is all of this coming from? Are you jealous or what?” She scoffed, rolling her eyes, and Harry furrowed his brows. 

“Please. Like I could ever be jealous of her. All I’m saying is that I just want to spend all the time I can get before you leave, or I can go with you back home…” she suggested, and Harry perked up. 

“What? You want to come with me?” She nodded eagerly as she smiled. 

“Yeah, why not? We can spend the holidays together, and it’ll be fun. What do you say?” She crawled over to the edge of the bed where Harry was standing, and she sat on her knees as she looked up. 

They’ve been dating for six months, and Harry hadn’t introduced her to his family. It wasn’t like he didn’t like her or he was embarrassed that he’s dating her, but that was a really big commitment that needed a lot of thought put into it. Meeting the family is just a big step for him, and although his family has met his previous partners, that was when they were still friends and not together. But with Brooke, it all happened so fast that his family had never met her when they were friends or hooking up. They obviously know he’s dating someone, but to bring them home? Especially on Christmas? He wasn’t ready for that. 

“Maybe some other time. I’ll talk to them to see if they want to come over here for my birthday or something,” he rejected her suggestion. Home was just something so vulnerable to him that he wouldn’t just bring anyone. 

Brooke sighed deeply, “Okay, I’ll hold you to that,” she said, impatient that she hasn’t met his family yet, but he’s met hers. “How about I come with you tomorrow morning to get coffee?” She looked at him as she pleaded with her eyes. 

He knew that you wanted to spend time with him before the holidays and he wanted to as well. But Brooke obviously wanted to see you as much as possible now that he’s denied her suggestion of coming home with him, but she had been sleeping over for the past four days, which Harry thinks is enough time. 

“I’m sorry, but no,” he said as it came out more like a question as he didn’t want to seem rude by saying no to her. Throughout the months of dating Brooke, he learned that she hates when people say no. Obviously, it’s fine when he says no to sex, but he could tell that it really frustrates her. “I haven’t seen her in a few days because I’ve been with you the whole time, so I think it’ll be good to catch up with her before I leave,” he smiled lightly, trying to make light of the room. 

“Sure. Have fun,” she said sarcastically before heading to the restroom. 

Harry sighed, grabbing his duffel bag from the closet before he started packing. He was simply just excited to see you tomorrow and his family over the holidays. 

21 December 2017

You waved over at Harry once you saw him standing at the entrance of the coffee shop. Harry walked over to you with a beaming grin as he looked incredibly handsome. He wore black circular sunglasses that sat on his nose, a blue hawaiian shirt with a gray t-shirt underneath as a brown coat was thrown over his body. He wore his famous black skinny jeans and his famous brown Yves Saint Laurent boots that you know he has a whole collection of. His hair looked amazing as he recently cut it a week ago, and it’s starting to grow out a bit as the ends of his hair started to curl. 

As he was close enough, you snapped yourself out of your trance of checking him out before you stood up, giving each other a hug and a cheek to cheek kiss. 

“How are you, angel?” He asked, taking his coat off before taking a seat, and setting his coat down on the chair next to him. 

“I’m good. I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and ordered for us. Should be out soon.” You had gotten Harry an iced black coffee, and despite the weather, he was always up for an iced beverage, especially when it came to his coffee; and you had ordered him a coffee cake--the coffee house’s specialty. 

“Of course not. Thank you. So, you’re going back home right?” He asked, placing his arms on the table. Right as he asked, the drinks and food had arrived and you waited for the barista to leave before you answered. 

“I might,” you said, taking a sip from the coffee mug. 

“What do you mean you might? Told me that you were going,” he furrowed his brows in confusion because you two had just had this conversation the other week, and you were excited to go back home. 

Home was in Oregon for you, and you moved out when you were eighteen to go to school in New York. It had always been your dream of moving to the big city, and although you loved Oregon, New York had made space for you to have a home as well. 

“I mean, I was. But you know how I’m saving to buy a house right? Well, flights are expensive, especially when it’s around this time,” you explained. 

“I can always-” 

“No, no. Before you go saying that you’re going to buy me a ticket, don’t even waste your breath because I’m not taking it,” you shook your head, and Harry chuckled. 

“C’mon, please? I know how excited you were to go back home. Don’t want you to be alone during the holidays,” he pouted as he cut into his coffee cake. 

“I told mom the situation, so they might come here for a change, but not definite yet--was just a suggestion. But honestly, I don’t think they will because it might be too late and all that, y’know how they are,” you chuckled, knowing how late your family will be if things happen last minute. “Don’t worry though. Glenne asked if I could take care of Penny, and I said yes if I’m not going home,” you said, smiling at the thought of the shih tzu that Glenne and Jeff own. 

“I mean, you can always come home with me,” he put it out there, and your eyes perked up. 

“W-What? No. I can’t do that.”

“Why not? It’s not like I would be buying you a plane ticket either. We’ll be using the jet,” he smiled lightly as if there were no meaning behind his words. 

“God, you just don’t know how rich you are--saying shit about your own fucking jet,” you teased, and he laughed loudly. 

“But really. Think about it. Mum would love to see you again and I know Gems has so much to catch you up on,” he said, taking a sip from his straw. 

You had met Anne and Gemma several times as they often visited sometimes or you would fly home with Harry and hang out with them while he’s working. They were a lovely family, if not, your second family, you would say. They were the kindest people you’ve ever met, and you’re so grateful that Harry was raised by great people surrounding him. 

“Really, H. Thank you, but I’m going to pass that up. I’ll probably just suck it up and buy a plane ticket,” you scoffed slightly at your indecisiveness. 

“Alright. Well, if you change your mind, which you have practically a day to figure it out, let me know and I’ll see what I could do with the jet going back here,” he said with a smile, wanting you to have choices rather than being stuck at home all alone during the holidays. 

“Thank you, Harry. I appreciate it.” 

The rest of the hours spent at the coffee spot was filled with conversation and laughter. Luckily, Brooke wasn’t one of the topics during your time together, and you were glad for it. Harry was also happy you didn’t mention Brooke either because he just wanted his mind to rest during his vacation, and not to say that he doesn’t like her, but it can be a bit stressful to communicate things with sometimes. 

“Oh, you have to head to the airport already,” you said, looking at your phone and realizing that he has about two hours to head to the airport. “Do you have everything packed?” You asked as you two stood up from your seats and put your coats on. Harry put on his sunglasses, hopefully a way to avoid the curious eye of the public. Luckily when you two were having coffee, no one approached him, but there were some looks made towards you two, but none of them walked up to the table. 

“Yeah, you have my shirts right?” 

“Yup. They’re in my car.” Once you two made it outside, you were parked on the curb and Harry’s car was about three cars behind you. You took Harry’s shirts out from the backseat that were folded very nicely and ironed. You had borrowed a couple of shirts from him when you would sleepover and had forgotten to give them back to him, but Harry said it was fine for you to keep until he needed them. “Alright, here you go. Don’t need anything else before you leave right?” 

“Actually, if you’re not busy doing anything, do you want to drop me off at the airport? I can call ahead of time and tell them that my driver isn’t going to take me, so we have access to the back,” he said with hopeful eyes. 

“Oh okay, sure,” you smiled softly. 

“Great,” he gave you a big smile before looking down at his phone, and you assumed he was texting Kyle, his driver, that he didn’t need to pick him up anymore. “Okay, I’ll see you at my place? I just have to get my shit.” 

“Okay, race you there! Wait, no, just kidding. Really, drive safe,” you chuckled, and Harry laughed. 

You met Harry at his house which was only about ten minutes from the coffee shop. His car was already in the driveway when you had pulled up, and you just decided to wait outside by your car for him, popping open the trunk. A few minutes later, Harry came out with his duffel bag, locking the door behind him. 

He put his stuff in the trunk before hopping into the passenger seat of your car, and you were off to the airport. 

Traffic was a bit heavy, but you made it just in time for Harry to check in and get settled without having to worry if he was late or not. You had pulled into an underground garage of the airport, and got out of the car as Harry got his stuff out from the trunk. 

“Guess I’ll see you on New Years?” You stood in front of Harry behind your car. He nodded before taking you into your arms. 

“Yeah, I’ll see you then. Let me know if you’re going back home or if you decide to join us,” he said into your ear as he hugged you tightly around your waist. Your arms were looped around his shoulders, giving him a warm squeeze. 

“I will. Have a safe flight, and text me when you land,” you said back into his ear. 

“Always do.” 

Both of you pulled away, but his touch had still lingered on your arm; raking his hand slowly down your arm as he walked away, and you had wished you weren’t wearing a coat with many layers underneath just so you could feel his hand on your bare skin. 

“Don’t miss me too much,” you teased. Harry turned around and smirked; the one that made your stomach do flips. 

“You know I will. Gonna miss me too?” He asked in return. 

“Always do, H. Always do,” you blew a kiss at him, and he caught it, placing his hand on his heart before walking through the doors. 

You sighed as you got into your car before pulling out of the garage and driving back home. 

It may seem a little peculiar on how you two ask towards one another despite him having a girlfriend, but it’s always been like that between you two. It all started when you were at a party right beside Harry, and a few friends of his went up to you two and asked when you two were going to get together. At that time, your heart stopped because you had just figured out that you had feelings for him. But Harry responded with “until she lets me,” and it was meant to tease you, but it had left you in confusion. 

Since then, you two would tease each other and somewhat act like you were together, but it had died down a tad bit ever since he’s gotten a girlfriend. And although Harry is a natural charmer, you two were best friends, so there was a tad bit platonic flirting between you two. 

But you wished that he would see past the best friend line and assistant line. 

31 December 2017 

The cold air from the room had made goosebumps rise onto your skin, although it seemed warm in the room from the crowd that was gathering rather quickly while the music started becoming louder, and chatter and laughs filled the room. 

You were talking with Glenne and observing the people around you at the same time; everyone was wearing their best attire for the new year, and you were as well. You were wearing a red silk dress that hugged you just right as the material in the back dropped to your mid back, showing almost the entirety of your back. You wore nude four inch heels, feeling like the height of your shoe was enough so you weren’t completely struggling to walk throughout the night. And your makeup was sparkling with gold colored eyeshadow and a red lip. You looked hot, and you knew it. 

One of Jeff’s friends had booked a hotel room on the top floor, literally right next to the ball drop, so everyone can just look out the window rather than going outside in the freezing weather. 

It was nice to dress up after being cozied up throughout Christmas. You had decided to go back home after all, buying your plane ticket right when you got home from dropping Harry off at the airport. It was a bit pricey because of the fact that you were buying the ticket a day before the scheduled time the flight is supposed to take off, and considering that it was the holiday season as well. But you had gotten a Christmas bonus unexpectedly, and everything worked out. 

You enjoyed your time with your family and getting to spend a week with them before you had to leave for New York again for New Years. 

You also hadn’t expected to receive a gift from Harry on Christmas morning when your mom was passing gifts out. With a confused expression, you took the big box from your mom’s hands that was wrapped in red and white festive wrapping paper with a bow on it. Once you opened it, you had softly gasped when you saw the items inside; it was all of your favorite things, including some extra items Harry had picked out for himself. He had gotten you a much bigger planner, for the next year, that will help for work, and you smiled, knowing that he had remembered you talking about how much you wanted the planner so badly. The box also contained some of your favorite snacks, little Knick knacks that reminded him of you, and a velvet rectangle box that held a small diamond pendant attached to a thin gold chain. 

It was absolutely stunning, and Harry must’ve spent a lot on it, but he didn’t mind. He thought it was going to look so beautiful on you, and it made you feel special that you were wearing something so meaningful from someone that means so much to you. 

The gold chain sat perfectly on your collarbones, and you hadn’t taken it off ever since you received it; only when you showered, but you put it right back on after. 

The volume of the room had increased, and you turned your head towards the door and found Harry walking in with a bright smile on his face, and of course, Brooke right alongside him with her arm looped with his. 

They looked absolutely stunning together as they walked inside the building as they greeted everyone with big smiles. They radiated perfection and luxury as everyone’s eyes were on them as if they were a piece of art hung up high in the gallery--worthy enough to be looked at. But your eyes were placed on one person in the room, and you so wished you were right beside him instead of her. 

The couple had made their way through the crowd when Harry spotted Jeff in the corner. With Harry leading the two of them with their hands interlocked together, they greeted Jeff and Glenne before Harry let go of Brooke’s hand to give you a hug. 

“Hey, angel,” he smiled, wrapping his arms around your waist as he slightly picked you up off the ground. His hands met the exposed skin of your back and he felt goosebumps rise onto your skin as his cool metal rings touched your skin. 

“Hi, H. How are you?” You asked against his ear and he set you down on your feet before pulling away. 

“Good, good. Missed you.” 

You blushed, “Miss you too. Also, thank you again for your present, it was so thoughtful and lovely.” 

“I’m so happy you liked it. Thank you for yours as well. I love it a lot,” he beamed as he looked down at you. You had given Harry three presents. The first one being a black soft leather journal with his initials engraved in the middle and spine of the journal in gold. The second gift was a manicure set because he recently started to paint his nails, so you wanted him to have all the tools and colors he needed. The third gift was a photo album of his success (you also threw in a couple of you and him). You told him that he can look at it anytime he wants, but it’s just a reminder of how proud you are of him and how far he’s gone; and you would be adding more in the future. It had made him tear up a bit as he found the gifts to be so sweet and sentimental of you. 

“Hi, Brooke,” you greeted with a small smile, and you saw her face beam as she hugged you, but you knew that it was definitely a fake one to put up an act in front of her boyfriend. 

“How are you, girl?! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” She yelled over the loud music. 

“Good, thanks. How are you?” 

“Great! Did you see what Harry got me for Christmas?” She waved her arm out to show you the diamond bracelet that sat on her wrist. It was very beautiful, you had to admit. It was very Brooke, and you were glad Harry didn’t ask you for any help with trying to find her a Christmas present. 

“I’m gonna get another drink,” you excused yourself, not really wanting to be around her much longer as she smirked and tried to flaunt her gift in your face. But you didn’t let it get to you because you truly loved the gifts Harry had gotten you, and it made it extra special because he put so much thought into it. 

You made your way to the bar, downing the remains of your drink before asking the cute bartender for another one. 

“Having fun?” He asked with a smile as he set your drink down onto a black square napkin. 

“Sure, let’s just say that,” you chuckled sarcastically before throwing your head back to take the entire cup of alcohol down your throat. 

“Thanks,” you set the glass down before walking away. 

You wanted to go back to where Glenne was standing, but you had bumped into some friends that you had met through Jeff on your way, so you had to catch up with them and tell them everything that’s going on with you after they told you their whole life story. 

The hours to the new year went by pretty quickly. You ended up hanging out with a few friends and going outside with them to have a smoke. The alcohol and weed had eased you, and you actually had a really fun time with them. The idea of Brooke clinging onto Harry had left your mind and you loosened up, smiling and dancing along with drinking. 

There were five minutes left until midnight, and everyone was gathered next to the window that overlooked Times Square. The volume in the room was loud as everyone screamed and laughed—excited for the new year. 

You were standing next to Harry, and of course Brooke on the other side of him. Glenne and Jeff were on the left of Brooke, and both of the couples had their arms around each other as the only thing you were holding was a glass of tequila as you didn’t have anyone to celebrate the new year with. 

“Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six!” Everyone chanted, and you chuckled, laughing at your loneliness when there were so many people around you. Your eyes watered up, crossing your arms as you looked at the shining lights through the window.

“Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!” The sounds of cheers and party horns erupted in the room as people took each other against their lips. 

You slightly glanced right next to you and saw Harry and Brooke kissing lovingly as she smiled into the kiss, along with Jeff and Glenne. 

You turned away, looking out at the window as you raised your glass. “Cheers,” you whispered to yourself before throwing your head back and consuming your tequila shot. 

Everyone was so consumed in one another that nobody noticed the tears streaming down your face as the loneliness you had felt physically and mentally took over. 

4 January 2018 

Harry was standing on the elevated box in front of a mirror. He was wearing a sparkly pink suit with gold lining on the seams, along with a gold shirt with a pussybow. Harry Lambert was behind up, straightening out the jacket. 

You had sat on the couch of the large private dressing room as you observed. Harry looked at you through the mirror, giving you no emotion. You smiled, but he didn’t smile back; only looking away and taking his attention on the suit. You furrowed your brow, confused as to why he was looking at you like that and so coldly. 

You stood up, walking over to him. “It looks great, H.” 

“Thanks,” he said quickly. 

“Think you can dance in it?” You teased as you smirked, trying to add some sort of lightness to see if his cold looks were accidental. 

“Pretty sure,” his tone was very short, and your smirk fell. 

“Wait right here. Just need to get something really quick for the pants,” Harry Lambert said before walking out of the dressing room. 

There was a moment of silence, and Harry pulled on the suit jacket so it sits nicely on him. By this point, he would’ve asked for your opinion and for some reassurance because sometimes he needs those extra words that tell him it doesn’t look too much or weird on him. But you got silence. 

“Is everything okay?” You asked warily. 

“Yeah.” 

“You sure?” You still weren’t convinced enough. 

“Yes, now can you please stop asking me? Fuck,” He rolled his eyes, voice slightly raised. 

“What is your problem?” Your brows furrowed. 

“What my problem is, is that you won’t leave me the fuck alone nor would you stop talking. I’m just trying to do some fittings, but you wouldn’t stop talking,” he huffed. He didn’t even turn around, just kept looking at himself in the mirror. 

You scoffed, grabbing your bag from off the couch. “Don’t fucking ask me to come with you if you didn’t want me here.” You headed for the exit before turning around at the last second. “And next time, look me in the eye and tell me that shit,” you said before you completely exit the building and head towards your apartment. 

You’ve never been so annoyed before, and that says a lot because you deal with a lot of people from the industry and Brooke. You didn’t know what came over him because he’s never talked to you like that nor has he raised his voice at you. With utter confusion, you sat on your couch, taking off your shoes for the day since you didn’t have any other work to do for the day, and you thought going with him to his fitting was a waste of time if he was going to act all pissy on you. 

Only moments later, you heard a knock on your door, and you immediately knew it was Harry probably coming by to tell you that he was sorry and he didn’t mean to say those words. But words are words and despite not meaning to say them, they still came out meaning that he was thinking it. But since this was Harry, the kindest human you’ve ever met, you opened the door because he’s your best friend and you deserve an apology. 

Huffing, you opened the door to find Harry standing on your doorstep with his head down and a slight frown to his face. Without saying anything, you moved to the side, opening the door wider for him to walk through, which he does. You walk over to the couch and take a seat; Harry sitting on the other side. The fact that you weren’t saying anything was killing him, but he doesn’t blame you. You crossed your arms as you waited for him to say something, and he inhaled deeply before he spoke. 

“I’m sorry for what I said back there. I shouldn’t have taken all my anger out on you because you don’t deserve that whatsoever. You were just trying to make sure I was okay, and I really appreciate that,” he resented himself for acting that way towards you. His eyes were red and he looked quite sad, and you want to know what made him originally feel this way. 

“Why were you so mad to begin with?” You asked curiously, and he sighed as you brushed away his apology. 

“Brooke and I have been fighting--ever since New Years. She claimed that I was always hanging out with you and that I left her at the party to be with you, but that’s not true right? I feel like I barely saw you during the party,” his brows furrowed in confusion. He was right; you barely even hung out with him during New Years because you were some other friends, and the only time you really spoke to him was when he arrived and after the countdown, but that was it. 

“Why is she so…” you trailed off, not wanting to sound so offensive towards his girlfriend. 

“You can say it.” 

“Possessive? Obsessive? Threatened by me? I mean I get that you’re her boyfriend, but I haven’t done anything to trigger that, have I?” You tilted your head as if you were thinking. You were never the one to steal someone’s boyfriend because that wasn’t any of your business; no matter how much you liked that person. But your attitude towards Harry was very much best friend-like. You miss him on days when you don’t see him, you give him big hugs when you reunite, you give each other friendly kisses on the cheek in a way to say ‘thanks,’ but it was never meant to steal him away from her. 

“No, you haven’t. I don’t know… I feel like she’s always had this problem with you because you’re my best friend, but also assistant--the closest person to me. I always tell her that she has nothing to worry about, but she doesn’t trust me for some reason.” 

“I’m sorry, H,” you said, placing your hand on his knee in a way to comfort him. He placed his hand right over yours in a way to say ‘thank you for understanding.’ 

“I should be the one apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong. I really am sorry for how coldly I acted towards you,” he softly smiled, and you gave him one back. 

“It’s okay. Was it unnecessary? Yes. But it was one time,” you forgave him. 

“You’re the best. But I should get going to finish up the fittings,” he said, standing up from the couch. You stood up, walking him to the door. “I’ll see you?” You nodded, giving him a big hug. He embraced you with both arms as he squeezed tightly before he walked out the door. You figured there was no point in going with him since he only has a couple of suits to try on, so you stayed back. 

About thirty minutes later, your phone vibrated. Seeing Harry’s contact name, you smiled to yourself. 

H: Attachment: 2 images 

How do these look?

You chuckled. He had sent you mirror pictures, holding up a peace sign as he was in a sparkly blue suit. 

My Angel: You look like Cinderella lmao

I love it!

Harry smiled. He was about to text you some silly joke about being Prince Charming while you’re the princess, but he heard a voice at the door, making him stop what he was doing. 

“Hey, babe!” Harry looked up and saw Brooke walk in. His eyes widened as he turned around, and she gave him a kiss. 

“W-What are you doing here?” He asked, confused. 

“Jeff said you’d be here, so I decided to surprise you!” She said cheerfully, holding his hands. 

“O-Oh, I’m very surprised,” he chuckled nervously. He didn’t really know why he was nervous, but possibly the fact that if he hadn’t snapped at you, then you would still be in the room, which would have raised questions and yet another argument with Brooke. 

“I figured after you’re finished, we could get an early dinner and you could come back to my place?” She suggested. “Think we need to talk about some things.” 

“Yeah, that sounds good. I have about two more suits, so you can wait outside-”

“Silly! No, I’ll wait here,” she took a seat on the couch you were just sitting on thirty minutes ago. He nodded without saying anything before he proceeded on to his next suit. 

You looked down at your phone on Harry’s message thread, waiting for his reply. You saw the text bubbles pop up and you smiled, waiting for him to say some corny joke, but they went away. You waited for a moment, so they could pop back up, but they didn’t. So, you shrugged, locking your phone, and wondering if he got caught up in something, so he couldn’t reply. 

1 February 2018

It was Harry’s birthday and the crowd was rolling in. 

He decided he wanted to spend his birthday in Los Angeles since most of his friends are there anyways. Plus, it’s a small get together before the tour starts next month and then he would be all over the place. He wanted a semi small party at his house, nothing too crazy, he just wanted everyone he cares about at the party. Anne and Gemma flew in the day before to join in on the fun, and you were excited to see them because you missed them like crazy. 

“Angel! This party is great! Thank you for keeping it so nice and small,” Harry said, giving you a hug. He also handed you your favorite drink, which is a whiskey on the rocks. 

“I’m happy you like it, birthday boy,” you smiled as you watched everyone gather into his Malibu house. There were about thirty people in total that were on the guest list, only adding people Harry was close to.

“Ah, there’s mum and Gem. Let’s say hi,” he told you, and you excitedly smiled, walking towards the door. 

“Mum!” Harry called out, and Anne’s eyes lightened up. 

“Oh, my baby! Happy birthday, my love,” she kissed his cheeks as he hugged her. 

“Hi, Gems,” he greeted his sister, also giving her a hug. 

“Happy birthday baby brother. One more year and you’ll be a quarter of a century,” she joked, and Harry chuckled. 

“Ha ha, very funny. I’m so happy you guys are-” 

“Y/N? Is that you? Oh my god, come here you!” Anne interrupted Harry once she saw you. Her eyes widened and she was smiling like crazy as you walked towards her, giving her a lovely hug. “Oh, darling. It’s been a while since I saw you!” 

“Yeah, it really has been. You both still look so amazing,” you said, giving Gemma a hug. 

“Please, you’re too sweet to us. How have you been? Don’t want to quit just yet because of this one?” Anne joked, nudging Harry as he playfully rolled his eyes. 

“Heyyy,” his brows furrowed, and Anne pinched his cheek. 

“I’ve been good. And not yet. Give me about five months and we’ll get back to this conversation,” you joked back, looking at Harry to see him frowning. You looped your arm around his waist, giving him a hug, and he stopped frowning; his face turning into a small smirk. 

“Let’s definitely catch up later. I’m going to say hi to Jeff and Glenne. Be right back,” Anne said before walking through the crowd, Gemma following her. 

You and Harry were alone again as you two sipped on your drinks. Some people said hi to them, but not making conversation for too long as they wanted to get another drink or food. 

“Is Brooke here? Haven’t seen her,” you asked curiously. Harry’s face dropped, and you looked at him confusingly. 

“Oh, fuck,” he pinched the top of his nose as he looked down, shaking his head. 

“What?” 

“I totally forgot she was coming,” he said, and you fought the urge to laugh. 

“How did you forget your own girlfriend?” 

“I don’t know--I was just so focused on the tour and this party that it slipped my mind that she was coming,” he sighed. 

“Oh okay. What’s so bad about her being here?” You wondered. 

“That means she’s gonna meet mum and Gem.” Your mouth formed an ‘o’ as if realization struck you, and Harry nodded his head as if he was saying ‘yeah, that’s why.’ 

“Better prepare for that because I could already hear her laugh,” you placed your hand on his shoulder, patting it. Harry took a deep breath and downed the rest of his drink before he walked over to the entrance. You chuckled as he did so as you found it amusing that he had to do that to deal with her. 

After you heard her squeal, which meant that Harry had gone up to her already. You started walking towards the entrance door, and you saw them hugging; she then started jumping and kissing him, whispering into his ear and biting her lip as he gave her a smirk. 

As you watched from the sidelines, your heart started to ache. You wished that it was you instead of her. You wished you could whisper all things sweet and dirty into his ear as he looked at you with a smirk before biting his lip. You wanted him to give you the same smile he gave her, although you were starting to see less and less of that smile. You wanted what she had. 

But you would never get that. 

“Hey, you,” Gemma sneaked you from behind you, causing you to slightly jump. “Sorry,” she chuckled. 

“It’s okay. What’s up?” You smiled, trying to hide the pain in your eyes. 

“You’re not going to tell him, huh?” 

“Tell who what?” You raised your eyebrows, pretending to be oblivious. Gemma gave you a knowing look as she raised her eyebrows. 

“You know what. Not gonna tell him at all?” You sighed, shrugging your shoulders as you turned your head back to them. They were posing for some pictures with their arms around each other’s waists. They took a couple: smiling ones, funny ones, and even a kissing one. You turned your head back to Gemma once they started to kiss for a picture, and she softly smiled at you. 

“There’s no point. He’s with Brooke, and it’s not like he’s ever going to like me or get with me,” you sadly explained. Gemma looked at you as if you were totally wrong. “If he’s happy with Brooke, then why would I ruin that for him because of my selfish reasons?” 

“It’s not selfish for wanting to tell someone you love-”

“I don’t love him,” you immediately interrupted. 

“Y/N…c’mon,” she raised her eyebrows, knowing you’re completely wrong. 

“Okay…” you sighed in defeat, and she chuckled, continuing what she was saying. 

“You’ve known him for what, two years? That man makes sure you’re a priority. He makes sure you’re happy. If you could hear the stories he tells us and how he talks about you, you would think otherwise,” she stated before taking a sip of her drink. 

You stay quiet for a moment and think. Was there any way that Harry could have possibly liked you? There’s no way. You hadn’t noticed anything different about his behavior in the past two years you’ve known and worked for him. So, there was no way he could’ve liked you. And you know you’re only telling yourself that now, so you don’t lose your shit at his birthday party. 

“W-What does he say about me?” 

“Maybe you’ll know some time in the future if you tell him,” she challenged, and you rolled your eyes, causing Gemma to laugh. 

After Harry and Brooke managed to get away from the entrance, you and Gemma saw them walking towards you both. 

“Y/N, hi!” She greeted you with a not so surprising high pitched tone; only because Harry is right next to her. She also gave you a hug, which you only put in half the effort like always. Harry smiled at both of you, and she let go. 

“Gems, where’s mum?” He asked his sister. 

“Think she might be in the back,” she replied, looking at Brooke for a brief moment before looking back at Harry. 

“This is Brooke,” he introduced his girlfriend. 

“Hi! It’s so nice to finally meet you,” Brooke said with a big smile on her face, giving Gemma a hug. Polite as Gemma is, she hugged back. 

“You too,” Gemma simply said. 

“Should we go to the back and find mum? Brooke wants to meet her,” Harry asked, and Gemma nodded before walking towards the backyard. 

You stayed back, realizing that you weren’t needed and you didn’t have any business following them for Brooke to meet Anne. So, you walked over to the kitchen to grab a plate of cheese and crackers. Since the kitchen was right next to the large doors that led to the backyard, you looked up and saw Brooke jumping up and down slightly as she greeted Anne with a hug. You saw Anne smiling, hugging her back before they pulled away and started talking. Harry looked at them so fondly as they spoke. 

“Hey,” a voice next to you had startled you, making you slightly jump, taking your attention away from what’s happening in the backyard. Luckily, not dropping any of your food. 

“Hi,” you said back to the man you don’t know. 

“I’m Alex. One of Jeff’s friends. I don’t believe we’ve met yet,” he shook your hand, smiling. 

“I don’t think we have. I’m Y/N,” you nicely said back. 

“So, how do you know Harry?” He asked, grabbing a grape. 

“I’m his assistant, and best friend.” 

“Oh, shit! Special person I’m talking to, right here,” he smirked. Alex was cute and very attractive, but it wasn’t the same kind of smirk that you’ve been in love with for two years. 

“Hardly,” you scoffed before giving him a small smile as a way to tell him you’re somewhat joking. 

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short. By any chance, you want to go somewhere to sit and talk?” He proposed hopefully. It wasn’t a bad idea whatsoever. You needed to make new friends and possibly make some new connections. You also didn’t want to depend on Harry all the time when you wanted to talk to someone because he’s busy, and his girlfriend doesn’t like you. So, you nodded. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He smiled, leading you to a more quiet area of the house, which was the sitting area. 

Meanwhile as you were chatting with Alex, Harry watched Brooke interact with Anne with a smile, but he still felt a weird feeling in his chest, like he’s happy about it, but he’s still wary. He brushed that feeling off, looking around and wondering where you were--if you’re having a great time. He turned his head towards the kitchen, and saw you talking to Alex. Smiles were placed on both your faces, and Harry frowned. He knew Alex was charming him up because that’s what he does. Alex technically wasn’t a bad guy, and Harry’s known him for a few years. He was nice, attractive, and can charm the shit out of someone just like Harry. But the sight and thought of seeing him actually charm you did not sit well with him. It really didn’t sit well once he saw you following him out of the kitchen. 

Harry took deep breaths, trying not to let the thought of you possibly enjoying hanging out with Alex as he carried on with his birthday night. 

6 February 2018

A deep sigh was let out once you sat in your seat on the plane. 

It was cold in Los Angeles and you knew the flight back to New York was going to be a bumpy one considering the weather in both cities, so you dressed comfortably, wearing grey sweatpants, a black sweatshirt, and some white sneakers. Your headphones had been plugged into your ears ever since you were cleared at TSA. 

As you got comfortable in your seat, Harry sat next to you, sighing. You obviously didn’t hear it because your headphones were in, but you definitely heard it the second time when he did it louder. You didn’t do anything, just browse on your phone until he dramatically sighed again, even louder this time. 

“What?” You said, taking your headphones out. 

“Why are you ignoring me?” He immediately asked, and your brows furrowed. 

“Ignoring you? Why would you think that?” 

“Well, for starters, you haven’t really spoken to me since my birthday. What’s up with that?” 

“Well, I didn’t really have to, did I?” There was no reason for your somewhat sarcastic tone and it’s not like you weren’t mad at him or anything, but you were exhausted from flying back and forth, plus doing your job. It’s not like you were ungrateful, but sometimes, you just needed a break, and that included, not talking to anyone. 

“You could’ve just answered my texts saying you were okay and that you weren’t going to be on your phone,” he scoffed, and you knew he was right. You were about to say you were sorry until he muttered something else. “Too busy with Alex, I see.” 

“What?” You asked in disbelief, knowing he said what you heard, but wanted to clarify. 

“You were, right?”

“What does this have to do with Alex?” You were starting to grow frustrated. 

“I mean, I saw you two at my party, and you two left together and stuff. So, you were probably busy for the entire week,” he said casually, scrolling through his phone as if you weren’t fuming right next to him. 

“It was one night-”

“Are you saying you had sex with him?” He turned his head towards you with raised eyebrows. He had this look on his face that told you he knew everything, but he just wanted to hear you say it. So, you did. 

“Yeah. So what if I fucked him? Is there something wrong with that? Didn’t get a little birthday sex? Don’t worry, I had some for you!” You tried containing your yells, but it came out like a loud whisper. Luckily there weren’t that many people on the plane; only the people who flew first class. 

It was true. When Alex had suggested talking, you found out that he was a very nice and funny guy. The night was getting late, and you said you were going to head home (which was a hotel), so he offered to drive you since you took an Uber, and that led to you inviting him up to your room and him gladly saying yes. It all happened so quick. You had immediately kissed him once you closed the door, and that led to him taking both of your clothes off before he fucked you. It was average sex, but you had fun considering that it’s been a while since you’ve had someone fuck you. That morning he left, telling you to text him, but you hadn’t and you don’t know if you will.

Harry stayed quiet, looking back down at his phone, and you shook your head, sitting correctly, and looking out the window, knowing that this was going to be a long flight. 

Just as you knew, the ride was bumpy, raising your fear and anxiety as you held onto yourself for dear life. You turned your music up, put your hands into your sweater, and crossed your arms in a way to calm you down and feel like someone is holding onto you. You closed your eyes, trying to focus on the songs until you felt a hand on your arm. You opened your hands, and saw Harry with his eyes closed, but you knew he wasn’t sleeping. He had always held your hand when you two would fly together and there was turbulence. It was something he did that made you feel safe and comfortable during the flight. 

You smiled softly, taking his hand in with your as you shifted closer to his seat despite the middle console in between you two. For the rest of the flight, you weren’t as scared. 

Once you two landed, Harry’s driver was immediately outside in the designated area, and you two were taken back to your place before there was any cause of commotion at the airport. Harry helped you with your bags, walking to your front door. 

“Hey, I’m sorry for everything on the plane,” he said as you looked for your keys in your purse. 

“It’s okay. I’m sorry too--for not replying to you and for snapping at you on the plane as well,” you said back. “Can I just ask why you were so...angry I was with Alex?” You wondered. 

“I…uh,” he stumbled over his words, trying to find the right thing to say without it coming out like he was a jealous prick. “Just...Alex is known for charming the shit out of you, so he could sleep with you, but seeing as you already slept with him…” 

“Harry, isn’t it my job to decide who I can and can’t sleep with? I get that you want to look out for me, but just let me decide that, alright?” You said softly, and he nodded. 

“Think I was jealous,” he blurted out, and he immediately closed his mouth and widened his eyes once he said that because he really didn’t mean to. 

“W-Why?” You looked at him concerningly, and Harry took a deep breath because now he had make up an answer because god knows what the truth is. 

He took a step forward, looking at you so intently. You felt like he was staring you down, but you didn’t look away as you were so lost in his eyes that it physically made it difficult to even glance the other way.

Next thing you knew, he was inches away from you, glancing down to your lips and back up to your eyes. You held your breath as you looked up at him, looking extra close at the pinkness of his lips. Your chests were pressed so close against one another that you were sure he could feel your heart pounding through his. It was so loud that it rang through your ears—so loud you couldn’t hear anything else except for the constant chanting in your head screaming ’Harry, Harry, Harry.’ It was Harry that you wanted to kiss so badly. It was Harry who’s lips you could touch in an instant if you were to just lift your feet. It was Harry. It always has been. 

But you couldn’t.

Brooke.

You immediately stepped away from him as your eyes looked down, finally away from Harry. “I’m sorry-”

“No, I’m sorry-”

“Because Brooke, and-”

“Yeah…” 

You nodded, not sure what to do next, but seeing as you were still outside of your door, you finally got your keys out, and unlocked it. 

“Well, I’ll see you.” 

“Yeah, I’ll text you,” he said as he started walking backwards away from your apartment. 

You nodded. “Yup. Bye.” He waved, turning around and walking down the hall. 

Walking into your space and bringing your luggage in, you sighed as you closed the door. It was completely silent as your mind was racing and your heart was beating. 

What the fuck just happened and what the fuck was that?

3 March 2018

The first show of Harry’s tour was kicking off, and you were excited for him. He was slightly nervous and jittery, but that was expected. 

The ‘moment’ you two had when you came back from Los Angeles after your birthday was past you two. Although, you still think about it way too often, Harry seemed like he didn’t want to talk about it, so you respected that and didn’t bring it up. Besides, what was there to talk about anyways?

The first show started in Basel, Switzerland and you were very stoked. You’ve never been to any of the countries he’s going to play in besides London and some cities in the states, so it was going to be an adventure for you. For his very first tour that included small venues, you rarely went to any of the shows, so to say you were excited was an understatement. 

You were with Harry Lambert, looking at the first show suit in the stylist room. It was a Gucci black sparkly suit with gems on the lapel. You hadn’t seen this particular suit on him yet because you weren’t at the fitting the day he tried it on, but you absolutely loved it. It gave everyone just a hint of what the rest of the suits for the tour will look like. 

“Har—oh,” Brooke had entered the room, assumingly looking for Harry, but was disappointed when she saw you. “Have you seen Harry?” 

“Uh, I haven’t. He might be out on the stage,” you said honestly, and she nodded, turning around. But before she could exit the room, you called her, “Hey, Brooke.” She turned around, rolling her eyes. “I just kind of want to mend things between us. I feel like there has always been some sort of tension ever since we met, and seeing that you’ve been around for long and might be around for even longer, we should be civil towards one another.” 

“Well, obviously there has been. You’re trying to steal my boyfriend,” she said straightforwardly, and you raised your eyebrows, looking at Lambert. He was looking at Brooke with a not so friendly look, knowing that you would never do that despite knowing that you were in love with him. “I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. You will never get Harry. He’s in love with me, not you. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do. You will never be enough for him because you’re just his assistant. That’s all you are to him. Don’t think you’re more than that, okay?” She said with a smile, and you bit your lip, not wanting to argue with her. 

There was something about her words that really got to you, and you think that’s because she’s actually dating Harry and has managed to weave her way into his heart.

“I’d hate to continuingly have to tell you this, but I think the first time was enough, right? Now you’ve made me tell you twice,” she continued as she scoffed. “Anyways, I need to go find my boyfriend,” she turned around but suddenly stumbled back as she was met with Harry. “Oh, Harry. I was just looking-”

“Don’t even speak right now,” his eyes were dark and he was angry. 

It wasn’t like you to see Harry so often considering that he sometimes deals with rude fans and pushy paps, but he was mad. 

“I-”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? Trying to degrade my best friend and assistant?” 

“Har-”

“We need to talk,” he told her, leaving the room. She turned around to look at you with sad eyes, but you simply couldn’t help her, not like you would anyways. She followed him, and the room was left with a weird tension that needed to be cut with a knife.

“Well, wasn’t that interesting,” Lambert said. 

After about thirty minutes, Harry walked back into the room. He stayed complete silent and started undressing to get into his suit since there was thirty minutes left until he had to go on. You and Lambert looked at each other, not knowing if you two should say anything, but decided to keep your mouths shut and let him get ready. 

Once he was dressed, he thanked Lambert and walked out of the room; once again with the same tension being in the air. You walked out as well as you debated whether or not to talk to him, but you saw him and the band gathering together, so you figured you could just talk to him after. 

The show had finally started, and the band was going out on stage. The crowd was roaring like crazy as the anticipation of seeing Harry was finally coming to an end. Once the band was fully equipped, Harry started to climb up the stairs. Around the stage it was dark as the beginning of ‘Only Angel’ started to play. You turned on your flashlight on your phone, and called out for him.

“Harry!” He turned around, holding the railings of the stairs, and his expression was normal; no smile or anything.  “Goodluck out there!” Once you had said that, the corners of his lips turned up as his mouth turned into a soft smirk. 

“Thanks, angel,” he said before pointing up as a way to say ‘listen to the song.’ “This is for you,” he quickly told you, running up the stairs and to the stage before the big circular screen rose up. 

You watched the rest of the show from the side of the stage, not too far away from the front of the pit. He was spectacular on stage; he truly belonged there. He charmed the crowd, made them laugh, scream, cry, and dance their hearts out for an hour and a half, and you were truly amazed. The atmosphere of the venue was insane, loving every second of it. 

Once he finished with ‘Kiwi,’ he said his goodnights to Switzerland before running off the stage and meeting the band, talking about how crazy and fun the first show was. He told everyone that it’s only going to get better from here, and everyone nodded and high fived excitedly. 

After a few minutes, Harry walked to his dressing room to cool off, and you followed behind him. It may seem as clingy, but you were concerned for your best friend. A lot went down with Brooke in just a few minutes, and you wanted to know if he was okay, despite not showing any signs of sadness or anger on stage. 

You knocked on his dressing room door and opened it before you heard ‘come in.’ Harry looked up, and saw you peek your head through the door, and he gestured you to come in all the way, which you did. 

“That was an amazing show, H,” you complimented. 

“You watched?” He asked surprisingly. 

“Yeah, didn’t miss a moment. I was on the side of the stage.” 

“Oh, well. Thank you,” he said. 

There was a moment of silence as you tried to form your words on how to go about talking to him about what had happened before the show. 

“I-I just wanted to ask if you were okay?” You started. He took a seat on his couch as you stayed standing up in front of him. “I’m sorry for what happened before the-”

“Why are you saying sorry?” He asked, looking up at you as if he was genuinely asking. 

“I...I don’t know what happened with Brooke, but if something did happen then I’m sorry,” you nervously. The only reason why you were so nervous was because you hoped that he didn’t get mad at you for whatever happened with her. 

“You didn’t do anything, angel. You did nothing wrong at all,” he sighed, and you stayed quiet as there was definitely more of what he wanted to say. “But I did break up with her.” Your brows raised at that, and you fought the urge to jump and cheer. 

“Y-You did?” 

“Yeah. I kind of wanted to a few weeks ago, but I never got the chance to. But before the show, she gave me another perfectly good reason why we shouldn’t be together, so I ended it.” There wasn’t a hint of sadness on his face as he told you. 

“What were the other reasons?” You hadn’t known that he wanted to break up with her before the events that happened today. You would expect him to talk to you about it, but you weren’t hurt by it. 

“I…” he cut himself off, and you waited patiently to see if he was going to say something. After a few more seconds, you saw him debate with himself to see if he actually wanted to tell you, and you wondered if he trusted in that sense; to talk to you and tell you things that were on his mind, but you didn’t want to get into it with him. 

“Are you okay?” You asked instead, truly wanting to make sure. 

“I should be asking you that.” 

“No-”

“Angel, c’mon. Behind closed doors, I didn’t know half the shit she was saying to you. I told her to fess up everything she’s done to you, and she did. Let me tell you, I was not happy at all that you had to deal with that without me knowing. And that fact that she lied to me about asking you to hang out and pretending to be nice to you--no wonder why you didn’t want to hang out with her.” 

The first time you had hung out with her was when you had to pick up some lunch and dry clean for Harry. They had only been dating for two months, so you thought it was best to get to know her since you were Harry’s best friend. You asked if Brooke wanted to go, and she hesitantly said sure, but when Harry thought that was a great idea, she perked up to it and said yes. When you two were in line for lunch she had asked you the basics of your job before rudely interrupting you and telling you that she knew that you were in love with him. Before you could even deny, she wasn’t having it and told you that you weren’t good enough for him and that you were only hired because you were Glenne’s friend. You were quite devastated after that and you faced Harry everyday with a smile on your face, but with the lingering thought of her words in the back of your mind. 

“Yeah, she wasn’t my particular number one person to hang out with,” you said sadly, and Harry sighed, standing up. He walked closer to you, and it felt like that time when you got home from the airport, and placed his hands on your shoulders. 

“Her talking shit about you was the last straw. Can’t have anyone talk to you like that, ever,” he said while looking into your eyes as if he was trying to convince you. 

“I am really sorry that you had to go through a break up though--especially on your first night of tour. Plus, it was your first serious relationship you’ve had in a while,” you felt bad because no one should go through the pain of a breakup. 

“It’s alright. Wasn’t in love with her like she said--didn’t even say those words to her. And it was her idea of wanting to meet my family. I was still wary about it, but that was one of the subjects for most of our arguments,” he sighed. “But I’m gonna be much happier without her. Felt like I was always stressed out around her,” he chuckled, causing you to as well. “But if anyone that I know talks to you like that ever again, please don’t hide that from me. I hate knowing that you were taking all of that shit, especially for months.” You nodded your head and he gave you a smile. 

He pulled you in for a hug and you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your head on his chest. You two stayed like that for a moment as you both felt like it’s been a while since you two has had one of these hugs. All thoughts and worries flew out of your head--not thinking about when the next time you’ll have one of these types of hugs again, and you felt safe in his arms. 

And you cherished it. 

30 March 2018

Tour was going by rather quickly as the first ten shows were already done with. 

You were able to see some beautiful sightings of the countries with Lambert and some of the band, and throughout that time, you had wished Harry was with you all, but for obvious reasons, he couldn’t be out in public so casually. 

Everything you’ve seen was so beautiful and your jaw dropped everytime you would look at a tall and high building, or the skyline of the entire city. You were quite amazed. 

Now, everyone was in Barcelona, and it was by far one of your favorite cities that you’ve visited. You loved the atmosphere and the ambiance that walking through the streets of Spain had placed a beaming grin onto your face. You were only staying for a couple of days before everyone had to pack up and head to Madrid, but you made sure to snap a mental and physical photo to remember your time in Spain. 

But rather than spending your day on the streets, roaming around the beautiful city, you were currently looking for Harry because Lambert was also looking for him, and of course, you decided to help find him. You pretty much checked every room backstage besides the bathroom, and you didn’t really think to check the restroom, but he might be in there, so you made your way towards it. 

“Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to barge in,” you said once you entered the restroom. 

The sight before you had made you sweat. A series of butterflies made its appearance in your stomach, making your hands shake. The slightest bit of air from swinging the door open had made chills rise onto your skin, but you knew that it was because of the beautiful man in front of you. 

You had walked in on Helene taking pictures of Harry, possibly so he could post them on Instagram. But he was candidly looking into the mirror as he sprayed on his Tom Ford Tobacco Vanille cologne; the one that you had picked up for him multiple times, and the one that you think smells amazing, specifically on him. He strutted around like it was made for him, and it was honestly your favorite scent. His suit was a custom Palomo black and white checkered sequined suit that just looked fucking good on him. 

“No worries, sweetheart. Just about finished. He’s all yours,” she winked at you before heading out of the bathroom. 

“What’s up, angel?” 

“Just wanted to tell you that Lambert is looking for you. Said he needed to fix up a stitch really quick before you go on stage,” you said, not meeting his eyes. 

“Is that all?” He asked, sensing your nerves, and he knew that it was possibly from walking in on him, doing a mini photoshoot because he knew he looked good. 

You gulped, “Y-Yeah.”

“You don’t sound too sure,” he challenged, walking closer to you, but not too close as there was a bit of space between you two. 

“Uh-”

“Tell me,” he shifted even closer, making you nervous. You didn’t know where the sudden outbreak of him being somewhat flirtatious as he demanded you to tell him came from, but the sound of his raspy and deep voice, and the way he was looking was making you act up as you were about to confess your feelings towards him. 

You figured it was time as you felt like he sensed that kind of vibe from you, plus Brooke mentioning that you were in love with him, which you think you’re pretty sure he heard, but you’re wondering why he hasn’t 

“I-I want to tell you something, and this may potentially ruin things between us, but-”

“There you are!” The sound of someone else’s voice in the room and the banging of the room had interrupted you, and you and Harry stepped back from one another. “Everything okay here?” Lambert asked, looking at both of you and practically feeling the tension. Once you two nodded, not looking at each other, he looked at you both suspiciously before continuing. “Anyways, come with me. I need to fix something,” Lambert walked out of the restroom as Harry followed him, not giving you another look. 

You turned around to look in the mirror, sighing to yourself as you shook your head. 

Well, guess that’s not happening right now, you thought. 

Watching Harry up on stage was something you would never get used to. You made sure to never miss a show as you watched from the side, and since he knows where you stand during the show, he always makes sure to go to that side of the stage and wave to you. But seeing him on stage was different every night. His performances and conversations with the crowd were always different and that’s what made them and him so entertaining. 

Once the show was over, he made his way off the stage and to the dressing room. He talked a bit with the band, as they always did right when the show ends, to talk about their favorite moments and which songs they needed to work on for rehearsals. After that, Harry walked to his dressing room and you would follow every single time. 

“Another great show, H. Never get tired of watching you,” you said once you entered the dressing room.

“Thanks, angel. Always feel like I’m on a high when I’m trying to cool down, like I just have so much energy to perform another hour,” he chuckled, wiping some sweat off his forehead. 

“That must be exhilarating--being up there every night for your fans,” you walked towards him to stand in front of him as he leaned on the table of the vanity. 

“Yeah, it really is,” he smiled. He pulled your arm towards him and wrapped his arms around your waist, giving you a hug. You were surprised by the sudden affection, but Harry was an affectionate type of guy, and really, you didn’t mind being close to him. Plus, he seemed extra needy since he recently just broke up with someone. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course, Harry. Always going to be here for you,” you said against his ear as your arms were around his shoulders. 

“And I’m always going to be here for you,” he said back. 

For a moment, it was just this--hugging him as he cooled down in your arms, and you liked it...a lot. But when you pulled back, you didn’t pull back completely and it made you face to face with him, literally inches away from each other. You two looked at each other in the eye, glancing your eyes to his lips and back up to his eyes. The only thing you thought was: I really want to fucking kiss him right now. 

And it seemed like he did as well because he crashed his lips with yours, molding them together as your arms were wrapped around one another. It was everything you expected as you dreamed of his lips on yours quite often, and you absolutely loved it. He felt like a drug, like all of your pain and worries went away once his lips touched yours, and you were addicted. You wanted so much more. 

Your tongue makes its way in his mouth, meeting his, and he swirled it with his before lightly sucking on it. Your teeth found a way to bite his bottom lip and he let out a groan. He pulled back for a bit, looking at you before kissing you again. 

“God, been wanting you for so long,” he groaned, and you felt butterflies in your stomach, trying not to take his words literally as to keeping your hopes down. But little did you know that his words were serious. “Can I touch you?” He whispered in between kisses. 

You nodded, whispering out, “Please.” Harry’s stomach did flips once you gave him consent, and his hands trailed down your body. Luckily, you were wearing a simple dress with straps, so it was easier. He bunched up your dress up to your hips, and you held it up with your arm before touching you over your panties, feeling a wet spot over the fabric. 

“Practically drenched. It’s for me, right?” He muttered, wrapping his free arm around your waist so you were closer. 

“Yes. Always going to be for you,” you moaned as his hand continuously rubbed you and he smirked. Your words had completely slipped out, but it was the truth. 

“Can I take them off?” He asked, and you nodded your head before he slid your drench underwear down your legs and you kicked them off to the side somewhere in his dressing room. You molded your lips with his again and grabbed a fistful of his curly hair, causing him to kiss you even harder. 

Harry then started roaming his hands around your thighs, going to ass and squeezing the flesh, and you moan against his mouth. His hand moves up and to your stomach before trailing down to your hot core. He took his fingers and swiped up your slit, making you groan from the feeling of his hands. 

“Fuck, you’re so wet,” he whispered before touching your clit and rubbing it. He buried his face in your neck to kiss, suck, and nibble on your skin, and that feeling made you throw your head back as his hands rubbed you and mouth kissed you. The feeling was indescribable, but it was Harry. 

You felt his fingers slip inside of you, starting off with one finger before pumping in and out of you. He then added another finger as he curled them in an inward motion and brushed his fingertips against the soft upper area of your pussy. 

“Shit, that feels so good. So, so good, H,” you groaned out. Harry took the straps of your dress off your shoulders, and kissed your chest where the gold chain he had gifted you rested. He pulled on the front of your dress to expose your tits, and his mouth immediately wrapped around your hard nipples, sucking them and pulling on them before releasing them with a pop. Your grip on Harry’s hair tightened as you felt like you were going to rip out his hair from the way you’re feeling. “Add another,” you whimpered out. 

“Another finger?” He looked at you with wide eyes, but all he saw was your eyes closed and head being thrown back; and you nodded. He added his pinky finger in with his ring and middle finger, trying his best to curl them up into you, but the snugness of your hole was challenging him. “Fuck, you’re so tight. Practically squeezing my fingers,” he said, kissing your neck. 

His words and fingers had gotten you to the edge, and you were minutes away from releasing around him. He saw you bite your lip and take deep breaths, and he knew you were close. 

“C’mon, angel baby. Let go for me, yeah? Know you’re close,” he thrusted his fingers deep into you, and that was when you hit your peak. With loud moans, you jolted around his fingers, riding your high out as Harry continuously pressed kisses to your chest and neck. He took his hand, sticking one of his fingers in your mouth, and you swirled your tongue around his finger that was covered in your orgasm, and moaned. He took the other two fingers, and placed them in his own mouth, tasting yourself on his fingers. “Taste so good,” he smirked, kissing your forehead, and you leaned your head on his shoulders to take a breather.

Once you calmed down, you turned your head to kiss his neck, sucking on his skin to calm your breathing down, and Harry hissed. His hands ran through your hair and all the way down to your back, soothing you. After a minute or two, you lifted your head up, meeting his eye before you kissed him, deeply. You two made out for a while you unbuttoned his black shirt, and you pulled away from his lips to kiss down his torso until you were on your knees. Harry was hard as rock in his pants and desperately needed some release that he could possibly come any minute with how you’re kissing him. 

His entire suit was still on and he went to take his jacket off, but you stopped him. 

“Keep it on,” you looked up at him as you told him so before proceeding to kiss down his stomach. He put his arms down, and gripped and sat on the edge of the desk. You got to the hem of his pants and looked up at him, giving him a sight to die for. “Can I take these off?” 

He looked down at you, smirking before nodding his head. “Please, take it all off,” he gave your cheek a stroke with his thumb, and you smiled looking back down to his pants to unbutton it, pulling down his trousers to his ankles, you saw his bulge, and smirked before you kissed over his underwear. Harry took a deep breath in as you palmed him before grabbing the hem of his briefs and pulling it down, his dick springing up as Harry’s shoulder relaxed from the lack of restraint. 

“Fuck, you’re so big,” you said, grabbing his dick. You knew very well that he was well endowed because of the many times you’ve seen him get hard on stage, and also from that moment when you walked in on him in Brooke’s mouth had confirmed it, but seeing it up close was unreal. You licked your hand and grabbed his cock before looking up at him. “What do you want me to do, Harry?” Your voice asked seductively. He was completely under your spell as his breaths were staggered while you stroked him. 

“Anything you want,” he breathed out. You smirked at the state he was in at the moment, and you loved every second of it. 

You put your mouth around his tip, sucking it lightly, and that caused Harry’s breath to hitch in his throat. You took more of him in your mouth as you relaxed your jaw. He was bigger than the guys you’ve fucked and you really hoped you were doing a good job for him because you wanted him to feel good. You hollowed your cheeks in and sucked hard, slicking your tongue on the underside of his cock. 

“Feels so good, angel baby,” he moaned, throwing his head back. He was already embarrassingly close, but he wanted to feel you more, so he tangled his fingers in your hair, getting a gentle but steady grip, and started guiding your head up and down his cock. You let him take control for the time being because honestly, you loved hearing the sounds of his moans start to progress. “That’s it,” he muttered under his breath once he felt the back of your throat. 

You placed your hands on his thighs, gripping his skin harshly so that your nails dug into it, and he hissed, but the pain felt so good to him. After a few more pushes to your head, you pushed on his thighs so he could release you, and when you did that he knew that he was done being in control. You grabbed his cock that was slick from your mouth, and you loved your head down so you could take his balls in your mouth. More of the beautiful sounds coming from his mouth came out more loudly as you sucked until he finally said the words. 

“Gonna cum, angel. Gonna fuckin’ cum,” he moaned. You saw his knuckles practically turn white as he gripped the desk hard. You loved your head back up to place the tip in your mouth as you fondled with his balls before he spurts his come in your mouth. “Such a fuckin’ good girl,” he said as you swallowed. 

You kissed back up his stomach and to his neck before meeting his lips again. He tasted himself on your tongue, and you were a good mix with him. You two pulled back from one another, looking at each other before you both started giggling—post orgasm haze. 

“Jeez, such an angel, but that mouth of yours is sinful.”

5 June 2018 

The rest of the Europe, Australia, and Asia leg went by, and you were back in the states for the first show of the US leg. 

Ever since the dressing room escapade, you and Harry had been acting differently towards each other. There weren’t anymore sexual acts, but there was a lot more affection. Sadly, not any kisses to the lips, but kisses to the cheek and forehead were made, and they were welcomed and given. He would always put an arm around your shoulder when you two were walking, and there was the occasional cuddle in his hotel room before or after the show. It was definitely different, but you enjoyed it. 

What you didn’t enjoy was the fact that you hadn’t told him you liked him. You were sure he had an idea, but you wanted to say it out loud to get it off your chest. You also didn’t know if he felt that way towards you whatsoever, and that thought scared you. Just because of what happened in the dressing room didn’t necessarily mean he had feelings for you. The thought of him just leading you on and messing with you feelings made your heart sink when you think about it, and you really hoped it wouldn't get to that point. 

Tonight was the Dallas show, and Harry wore an Alexander McQueen embroidered pink floral suit. As always, he looked amazing. But your favorite was the Barcelona suit, and you might be a bit biased on that given the events that happened in that particular suit. You chuckled to yourself as you followed Jeff and Glenne to your seats. 

You decided to watch the show with them in the reserved seats in the lower level of the arena, and it was a change from the side of the stage, but you could really see more from the seats. Once you got to your seats, Harry had already finished up with ‘Only Angel’ and was moving on to ‘Woman,’ but a familiar man had caught your eye. 

“Alex?” You called out through the music. 

“Y/N! It’s so great seeing you!” He said, giving you a hug. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Jeff and Harry invited me! Haven’t seen Harry perform since last year, so they reserved me a seat,” his face was close to your ear, so you could understand him better through the loudness of the crowd and the bass of the music. 

“Ah, well I’m glad you’re here! It’s been a while,” you said completely innocently, and he nodded, smiling before turning his head to watch Harry on stage. In all honesty, the thought of Alex slipped your mind because your head was constantly thinking about Harry as it always does. 

For the rest of the show, he was amazing. The crowd was wild as always, and he absolutely looked so cute in his suit. Your favorite part was when someone threw a rainbow sequined cowboy hot on stage, and he picked it up to wear it. It was a look, to be honest. 

Before the band said their goodbyes to the crowd, the four of you headed backstage, so there wasn’t any delay with everyone trying to leave at the same time. As you were walking, you were walking next to Alex as Jeff and Glenne walked in front of you two. 

“Hey, I was thinking. Maybe we should get dinner tonight? Y’know, to catch up? I know some places that are still open,” he suggested, and you liked the idea. 

“Yeah, sure. Sounds good,” you said, smiling back. 

The four of you met with the band as they laughed and talked about the show. You met Harry, giving him a hug as you told him that he did amazing out there. He hugged you back tightly, telling you thank you. 

“C’mon,” he said, taking your hand as he wanted to go to his dressing room as you always did after his shows. 

“Oh, uh, actually,” you pulled your hand back, causing him to stop walking. “I’m going out to dinner with Alex…” you said nervously, and he raised his eyebrows, looking down the hall and noticing Alex talking to Adam. 

“Oh okay, yeah. Go ahead,” he let go of your hand, completely dropping it from his as his face dropped. In that moment, you wished you didn’t say yes to Alex and went with Harry to his dressing room. This would be the first time you were going to miss out on dressing room chats as he calmed down from his energetic state from being on stage. It would be the first time you weren’t going back to the hotel with him while holding his hand in the car and up to your rooms. 

“Hey,” Alex caught up to you, not feeling the tension between you and Harry. “Ready to go?” You looked up at him briefly, placing a fake smile on your face before looking back at Harry who already had his back turned towards you, walking to his room. 

“Yeah, I am.” 

21 June 2018

The prospect of not talking to Harry as much hurt you a bit. 

You haven’t had a full conversation with him in about two weeks. The most you’ve ever spoken to him was when someone was looking for him or if he was clearing up and clarifying his schedule. But other than that, nothing. You didn’t know why it was like that, but you tried not to let it get to you as you told yourself that he was tired from the tour. He was on the last month of tour and the flying had definitely caught up to him. 

But that wasn’t the real reason. 

You have been going out with Alex ever since that night in Dallas, and you thought it was nice to have someone to talk to other than Harry and the rest of the crew and band--although they’re very nice and fun people, you saw them everyday. And you came to find out that Alex was even more fun once you’ve gotten to know him even more. 

Alex made you feel free. There was something refreshing about hanging out with him that made you want more, and he definitely took your mind off of thinking about Harry... by having his tongue down your throat and inside of you. There have been plenty of pleasurable times when Alex had made you feel good, and vice versa. It started out in the night at Fort Lauderdale, two days after Dallas, and you went out with Alex to a bar in the city. Both of you had too much to drink and he asked if you wanted to go over to his hotel, which of course you said yes. One thing led to another, and you were underneath him, moaning his name out. Ever since then, he would watch every other show and you two would have date nights that took the night away into a hotel room. 

It was nice, and he liked you and you liked him back. 

Liked him as much as Harry? Not quite. But there were definitely a little bit of feelings for him. Besides, he calls you nice things and tells you you’re pretty. 

It was Harry’s first New York show in Madison Square Garden as a solo artist, and he was pumped, but also a little nervous. You were so incredibly proud of him and what he’s done in his career, so you were happy for him. And you were happy to be back home for a few days as well because you haven’t been home since the beginning of the month. 

Alex stood next to you with an arm around your shoulder the entire time of Harry’s show. He was wearing a custom Gucci white suit with flowers printed all over and the phrase ‘Memento Mori’ underneath it. The lapel part of the suit was a velvet material and he wore a black shirt underneath. The trousers were flared from the knee down, and you absolutely loved it. 

When the show was over, you and Alex headed backstage to meet with the band. You had expected that he wanted to get dinner already, but he hadn’t mentioned anything, so you assumed that you were going to go back to your hotel and hang out with him there. 

“Lovely show, H,” you hugged him tightly, but he didn’t reciprocate the same energy into the hug like you, and you found that odd because he usually hugs you tight. 

“Thanks,” he smiled softly, shaking Alex’s hand before thanking him for coming to the show. 

You turned towards Alex and asked, “What’s the plan for tonight?” 

“Oh, I was going to tell you, but I’m hanging out with a couple of friends from college that live here. So, I can't hang out with you tonight. I’m sorry,” he slightly pouted. “I’ve got to get going now though, so I’ll see you tomorrow?” You nodded understandingly. 

“Yeah, definitely. Probably best we don’t hang out all the time because I don’t want you to get tired of me,” you joked, and he shook his head no. “But I’ll see you tomorrow. Text me,” you told him before he gave you a kiss on the lips before heading towards the exit. 

Harry had watched the whole interaction with a small frown. He tried to contain his jealousy when he saw Alex kiss you and you smiling, but it was difficult for him to not scoff loudly, so he turned around and walked towards his dressing room. You turned around to find Harry missing, and you assumed he went to his dressing room, so you headed over there. You knocked on the door before entering, and you found him on the couch with his phone in his hands. 

“Hey,” you smiled, sitting on the couch as he muttered a ‘hi.’ “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, what makes you think I’m not?” He said defensively, and you furrowed your brows. 

“I never said you weren’t. I just wanted to make sure you were. I haven’t talked to you in a while.” 

“Well, that’s not my fault,” he whispered under his breath before continuing to scroll through his phone. 

There was a bit of a silence, and unfortunately, it was an awkward one. You didn’t feel needed in the dressing room, but you sat there awkwardly as you didn’t know what to say to him. 

“You’re seeing Alex?” He suddenly asked, breaking the silence. 

“Yeah. Just hanging out with him,” you got up to grab a water bottle from the table, and you opened it, taking a sip. 

“So, you’re fucking him?” He said casually, but you choked on your water, immediately coughing. Once you calmed down, you looked at him with watered eyes. 

“Uh…” 

“You can tell me,” he said sternly. 

“I mean, yeah, we had sex a few times, but there’s no label or anything like that. We’re just hanging out,” you told him, and he nodded. 

“Do you like him?” He raised his brows, and you took a deep breath, wondering what all these questions were for. 

“I think so, but-”

“Good, he’s a good guy,” he interrupted you. You liked Alex, yeah, but comparing your feelings for Alex to Harry...unmatchable. “I’m glad you’re happy,” he said, getting up from the couch before grabbing a towel from the vanity and walking out of the dressing room. Once he left, you were alone in the dressing room. You sighed deeply as you buried your face in your hands. 

“Yeah, sure I am.”

22 June 2018

The sound of ringing had woken you up from your slumber. 

You groaned as you tried to make out where your phone might be on your bedside table with your eyes closed, but you were hitting empty spots, so you opened one eye and grabbed your phone. 

“Hello?” Your morning voice coming out through the speaker. 

“Y/N. Can you come by, like right now?” It was Harry on the phone, and you groaned. After the night prior, you thought he didn’t want to talk to you, but seeing as you’re still his assistant, of course he would call you. 

“Why must you call me at,” you pulled your phone back to look at the time, “six in the morning?” 

“Please. It’s important. I have some stuff I need you to do,” he pleaded, and you stretched your limbs out, making inhumane noises while still being on the phone, and Harry chuckled. 

“Fine. Be there in like twenty.”

“Thank you, angel! See you.”

He must be in an awfully good mood this morning, you thought. And it’s been a while since you heard your pet name, but you brushed it off and got ready. 

You unlocked the door of Harry’s house, letting yourself in. You found him sitting on the couch, reading a book until he looked up at the door and saw you. He got up and walked towards you, and opened his arms, giving you a big hug. 

“Hey, angel. Thanks for coming by,” he said into your ear, leaving you in goosebumps. 

“Course. Everything okay?” You asked once you pulled away. 

“Yeah. I miss you, y’know. Feel like we haven’t spoken in a while,” he trailed off a bit, and you squint your eyes at him. 

“I sense a ‘but,’” you said, and he chuckled. 

“I actually need you to get these for me, if that’s okay? Just need them before the show,” he handed you a list, and you looked at it. 

The items were something similar as before: a bouquet of flowers and a gift basket with various types of snacks. As you read through it, that’s when you knew and your heart sank. 

“So who is it?” Harry looked at you curiously, and you waved around the list up. “Who are you dating?” 

“Oh, this girl I met through a mutual friend. She actually was at the Dallas show and we met after at a bar. She’s in the fashion industry; her name is Rena,” he explained with a smile. “She’s coming to the show tonight, so I just wanted to get her a little something.” 

“Okay, I’m on it. I’ll see you tonight,” you headed out, figuring since you had nothing else to do, you could stretch your errands out until the show. You decided to have breakfast first and get some coffee since it was quite early still, and enjoy a day to yourself until Harry introduces you to yet another girl. 

Rena was a nice lady. She was two years older than you and Harry, and she was drop dead gorgeous. You’ve never seen anyone this stunning up close. She always had the sweetest smile, and you were contemplating if she was real or not, and why Harry is calling you ‘angel’ and not her. It was difficult to hate her, and it’s not like you wanted to, but considering that you have feelings for Harry, you wanted something to be wrong about her--maybe a Brooke 2.0, but she was so kind to you, and she loved everything that was gifted to her from Harry, even if the items were the smallest things. So, there were no complaints. 

Harry seemed happy with her, so that’s all that mattered. 

1 July 2018

It seemed like Rena was around all the time now, like she was at every show since night two in New York. You tried to busy yourself by going around the town you were in or talking to Alex, but you missed Harry. It was always like this when he was dating someone; the first few months, he would completely forget about you and always hang out with the person, but once he starts settling in, he wants to talk to you. And since he’s only been dating Rena for a month, he hasn’t been talking to you lately. 

You watched Harry on stage in St. Paul next to Rena, Alex, and Jeff as Harry was wearing a sparkly pink Gucci shirt with a pussybow on the front and some black trousers. The energy in the room was amazing. By far it was the best performance of ‘Medicine’ you’ve seen him perform. He even held out a pair of handcuffs in front of the crowd, making them go crazy, and he looked up at your section, glancing at Rena before smirking, making you cringe a tad bit as she cheered. 

At the end of the show, you greeted the band, and immediately Rena was attached to Harry, which made you impatient because you wanted to hug him like you always do. But they were wrapped in each other’s arms as they kissed, no plans of letting go of one another. 

“Hey, wanna head out?” Alex asked. You still hadn’t said hello to Harry, but you figured you could text him later, so you nodded, glancing back at the two of them and walked out with Alex. He took you to a diner that wasn’t too far from the hotel and you both ate breakfast for a midnight meal because breakfast simply hits differently when it’s at an unusual hour. Alex then walked you back to the hotel room, and you were exhausted by this point. You just wanted to get out of your shoes and sleep for a very long time. You were lucky that you weren’t sharing a room with Alex because sometimes you just needed to be alone, and this moment was that time. “So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” he said, stopping in front of your room and your brows raised as he continued. “We’ve been dating for about a month now, and I really like you, so I wanted to ask if you wanted to be my girlfriend.”

You had expected anything else, but that question. Your heart beat practically stopped for a moment as you looked at him, wondering if he was serious, and when he didn’t say he was joking, you realized that he was actually being serious. 

“Oh, uhm…”

“It’s been fun getting to know you and travelling to these places with you, so I figured it was time to ask you.”

“Alex...you’re a really nice guy, but I’m just not sure I can be your girlfriend,” you told him honestly, and his brows furrowed. 

“Why’s that?”

“I-I like you, but I feel like my feelings for you aren’t 100% there when it comes to being your girlfriend.” He only nodded, and you were getting quite anxious when he didn’t say anything. 

He then started laughing, pacing around in the hallway and you crossed your arms. 

“That’s hilarious,” he said. 

“What-”

“No, the only reason you don’t want to be with me is because you’re in love with someone else!” His voice raised, making the hallway echo a bit. You looked at him, not knowing what to say. “Yeah. I know you’re in love with Harry. Noticed that the first time I met you; that you were staring right at someone that wasn’t yours, but desperately wanted to be.”

“I…” you were speechless. Had you really been that obvious about your feelings towards Harry that everyone around you noticed? 

“It’s a shame though, isn’t it?” He had a grin of the devil; mischievously and humiliating. You looked at him nervously, urging him to continue. “You’re in love with someone that doesn’t even want you,” he stated. “That doesn’t look your way for a second when he thinks about a relationship because you’re only his assistant. Not once would he look your way down the street if you weren’t working for him,” he looked you up and down, and your eyes started watering, and you were embarrassed that you were about to cry in front of Alex as he crushed you in every possible way. “It’s okay, don’t cry. You have me,” he opened his arms to take you in for a hug, but you physically pushed him away because now you were angry. 

“I have you? Are you fucking kidding me? After you just humiliated me?” You were breathing out through your nose as your tears made their way down your cheeks. 

“Hey, I’m just telling you the truth-”

“Why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend?” You asked, genuinely confused on his logic. 

“Well, the question that you’re supposed to be asking is why did I talk to you in the first place?” 

“Why did you?” 

“Since you want to know so bad,” he teased, and you rolled your eyes. “When I saw you, I definitely liked you, but then I saw you were giving heart eyes to Harry, so I thought I could change your mind. See if I could switch your feelings up,” he chuckled. 

“So, this was some sort of experiment? Guessing your hypothesis was wrong then, huh? Go ahead and write your conclusion as: fucked her, but dick wasn’t good enough to fall in love. So, fuck off,” you rolled your eyes and opened the door before slamming it shut in his face. Your back was leaning against the door as more that you’ve been holding onto fell from your face as you heard him still talk. 

“You’ll never be like Brooke or Rena, or whoever he dates in the future! You’re nothing to him!” He yelled through the door as his words came out muffled. 

Sliding down the door, you finally heard him leave, and you were full on sobbing. You tried not to let his words get the better of you, but the way Alex spat them out so easily, it was hard not to. 

Because what if he’s right. 

7 July 2018

Harry noticed that you had been feeling off the entire week. 

It was like you were simply existing, but not present in some moments when people would talk to you. You had this dull look on your face, and it wasn’t the same as your bright and happy look that he looked forward to everyday. He noticed it when everyone was leaving from Minnesota, and he told himself that it was because you were tired, which was true, but he didn’t know the whole reason. 

After the show in Seattle, he didn’t see you like he used to, and he wondered where you or if you even watched the show. Once he high fived and talked to everyone for a bit, he headed to his dressing room, hoping that you were in there, but you weren’t. So now, he was worried. 

H: Hey, where are you? He texted. Luckily, Rena wasn’t around anymore because she would want all his attention after the show. He simply couldn’t take someone being so clingy, so he called things off with her. It may have also had to do with the fact that he didn’t want to hide his feelings anymore, and being with other people just wasn’t working for him anymore. Not when you were in front of him. 

It’s been a long time coming now, and he felt stupid for not telling you in the first place since he’s been in love with you since last year--during the time he was with Brooke. He was honestly afraid to tell you, and when he heard Brooke say it, he just felt so much shock run through him, so he kept his mouth shut. He didn’t have an excuse as to why he got with other people while being in love with you, but it just made him feel in control of himself because he couldn’t control his feelings towards you, so he got scared. So, he decided that when everyone gets to California in two days, he’s going to confess his entire feelings for you. 

Harry walked to your hotel room, knocking on it as he waited for you to answer. He could hear shuffling and movement through the door, and he hoped to god that Alex wasn’t in there with you. 

“Who is it?” You said through the door, softly. 

“Angel, it’s Harry. Can I see you?” He asked. There was a pause, but then he heard the door handle rattled as you opened the door. 

Your face was a crying mess and your hair was up in a very messy bun. Harry’s mouth opened slightly as he concerningly asked, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” His question and concern had made you sob even more as you shook your head. “C’mere,” he pulled you in for a hug and you sobbed into his chest as he walked you over to the edge of your bed. He observed your room and saw that there were a stack of clothes folded on the other bed along with your open luggage with some of your belongings inside. “Angel, what’s going on?” You pulled your head out of his chest to look at him, knowing that he was probably wondering why you were packing; and he had a sad expression on his face. 

“I’m leaving,” you simply said. 

“Leaving? Where are you going?” His brows furrowed. 

“I’m going back home.” 

“W-What? Why?” 

“I can’t be your assistant anymore, Harry,” you cried, and Harry’s heart sank as his jaw dropped. 

“What are you talking about? A-Are you quitting?” You stood up, placing the stack of clothes in your luggage as you sorted them. 

“Y-Yeah,” you said quietly, and Harry has never been more confused in his life. 

“W-What did I do wrong? I’m sorry we haven’t been seeing each other lately, but I promise after tour-”

“No, no. It’s not you, I promise,” you shook your head. In this moment, you felt like you should tell him everything because he deserved an explanation from you. “Please, listen, okay?” He nodded. You walked to sit on the desk chair in front Harry as he sat on the edge of the bed. You proceeded to tell him everything that Alex said from him asking you to be his girlfriend to you saying no. “He said these mean things that-”

“What the fuck did he say?” He gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. 

“Just listen,” you stopped him. “He said those things because I’m in love with someone else…I’m in love with you, and you probably heard Brooke say that, but you didn’t say anything, so I just assumed that you didn’t want to believe it.” It was the words Harry has been wanting to hear and he went to open his mouth, but you immediately started talking again. “I have been ever since I started working for you, and I thought it was just a crush on my boss, but it’s way more than that. Alex told me I’m not good enough for you and that you would never love me, and I think that’s true-” 

“No! That’s not true! I love-”

“Please, don’t,” you shook your head as you sobbed. You’ve been waiting for years to hear those words, but you knew that you couldn’t hear them just yet. “Don’t say those words because I’m leaving and to prove Alex wrong.” 

“I’m not trying to prove him wrong, it’s true,” Harry’s eyes watered, and you sighed.

“What he said got me thinking…I go to all these stores and pick shit up for your love interests, sending me a list of all their favorite things, and wishing that they were for me. And in the midst of it, I realized you don’t know what my favorite flower is! I’ve been hurting for so long that I covered it up everytime and put a fake smile on my face just to see you happy.”

“Your favorite flower is-”

“I just really think that I deserve to be happy as well,” you nodded your head as a way to try and convince yourself. 

“You do deserve to be happy, angel baby. But we can be happy together? I-I… want you here. With me.” His voice was filled with hope, and it only made it harder for you. 

You closed your eyes for a moment, burying your face in your hands. “I want that so bad. I do, H. But I really need to be happy with myself and by myself first. I depended on you and the others around me a lot, and I just didn’t save that love for myself, so…I need to leave,” you sniffled, wiping your cheeks. 

“And when you come back?” 

“I don’t know when that will be or what’s going to happen, but I’m not asking you to wait for me or anything because you should live your life. But when I come back, I’ll call you, and we’ll talk,” you told him, and it seemed like you had everything planned already, but you were just as lost as he was. He dropped his head, crying into his hands. You rolled your chair closer to him, grabbing his wrists, and he lifted his head. “We’ll be alright, okay? Just need a little time to myself.” He nodded, sniffling. 

You stood up and walked over to your luggage, zipping it closed before you looked around to see if you forgot anything. Harry stood up and walked over to you, grabbed your wrists, and pulled you to him, giving you a hug. His face was buried in your neck and you felt him press kisses against your skin as he cried. 

“You’ll be back?” The pain in his voice was enough to tip you over the edge of bawling. 

“Yeah, I’ll be back,” you said in between sniffs. “I’m going to stay with my parents for a while; get a job back in Oregon,” you told him, so he’s not completely out of the loop. He pulled back, looking down at you. 

“When you come back, your job will always be here.” You smiled sadly, raising your hand to caress his cheek. 

“We’ll see, okay? But I have to go to the airport now. My flight is in two hours,” you managed to free yourself from his grasp as it tightened so you wouldn’t go, but you really had to. 

“Let me drop you off?” He offered, and you shook your head. 

“No, it’s only going to make this harder,” you said, grabbing your luggage and backpack. “Have a great rest of the tour, alright? Take care of yourself,” you placed your palm on his cheek again, looking in his sad eyes before you reached up and kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you, honey.”

You walked out of the room with no glance back at him, and Harry was alone in your hotel room, and it was the last memory of you that would be ingrained in his mind forever. 

14 July 2018 

The crowd cheered loud for Harry for his final show in Los Angeles. He overwhelmingly smiled as he took a deep breath before continuing onto the next song. Everyone seemed to know what the next song on the set list was, so the room went a bit quiet as the crowd turned on their flashlights as the lights went completely dark, and the only thing was heard was the strumming of the guitar. 

Woke up alone in this hotel room… As he sang, he took in his own lyrics, feeling like they really related to him at the moment despite writing the song two years ago. Harry sang with every emotion in him as he let it all out in the dark room that was silent, and the only thing he heard was his voice and the guitar that was played by Mitch. 

We haven’t spoke since you went away…He had thought of you every night he sang this song since you left in Seattle, and it pained him that there was no contact between you ever since you left, but he figured that was what you wanted. What you needed. 

Comfortable silence is so overrated… The moments when there would be silence between you two, he hated looking back at those moments because he knew he should’ve said something, you would’ve still been here. 

Why won’t you ever say what you want to say? Why didn’t you say anything, Harry? 

Even my phone misses your call, by the way…He missed your contact name pop up on his phone that went along with his contact picture for you. You were smiling bright as you ate ice cream. It was a summer day in New York and really warm outside, so you decided you two took a break from running around and got some ice cream. You were so happy that day, and he was happy he got it on camera. 

Harry would often find himself looking at your pictures together; trying to pinpoint the exact moment you knew you were in love with him. Your smile always made his day, and it broke his heart knowing that he wouldn’t get to see that smile for a long while--at least he hoped it’s not a long time till he gets to see you again. Since, he knew when his feelings had progressed, he looked back on the pictures when he knew he fell hard. His smile had gotten bigger and the look he gave you was full of love, and he wished that you saw how he looked at you. 

He missed you so much. 

13 December 2019

It took you quite a while since you felt whole again. 

You hadn’t felt so empty as you had been when you left Seattle. The year and a half you spent back at home really helped you with that. You were able to find yourself again; spending time with your family and with yourself was something so refreshing that you cherished every moment with them. You learned a lot about yourself, and you reshaped your own worth and values. You came back stronger than ever and you’ve never been happier than you are now. 

You nervously walked over to the section you were going to be sitting in. The room was dark and the crowd was absolutely wild as they were finally seeing the one person they’ve been waiting for. You looked down, watching your step as you held your phone with the flashlight on your feet as they stepped onto the red floor of the pit, until you saw the familiar faces you’ve been looking for. 

“Y/N! There you are!” Glenne smiled, taking you in for a hug. “I’ve missed you babe,” she said in your ear as you hugged her tight. 

“I missed you too, so much.”

“Hey, Y/N. It’s good to see you again,” Jeff said, giving you a warm embrace. 

The music was playing and the crowd had gotten louder as the man of the hour finally stepped on stage, and all the spotlights were pointed on him. You watched him as he walked down from the high stage to the main stage, grabbing his guitar as said hello to everyone before strumming the first note. 

As you remembered, he was amazing on stage as he wore the same outfit as the album cover. He ignited the crowd with his charm and voice that left people in tears from being so overwhelmed by him. You felt overwhelmed as well; seeing him for the first time in a year and a half had made you quite emotional. 

You knew you wanted to go to Harry’s ‘One Night Only’ show when he first announced it. From keeping in contact with him, you figured you could keep in contact with updates of him, and what he’s up to these days. You streamed his music, watched his music videos, and stayed up late just to hear a snippet of him on the radio. You were always excited when you would get the notification on your phone of new pictures and videos of him because that was the only way you were able to see him. You found out that he had spent quite some time in Japan towards the end of last year and the beginning of this year. You really hoped he was doing okay. During the days of finding yourself, the thought of seeing him again had scared you, and you weren’t ready for that, so you waited until this day to see him. 

So, at the beginning of the week, you had texted Glenne that you wanted to go to the show, and she immediately said yes, putting your name on the list. You told her not to tell Harry just yet because you wanted to surprise him, and she was on board with the idea as was Jeff. 

They were both really supportive of you during your times sulking and growing, and Glenne had even visited you in Oregon to make sure you were okay and simply just missing you. You were really thankful for both of them because you knew that it was hard to see their two friends in pain, but you were glad that they supported your decision. Glenne had always known that you were in love with Harry, and you told her ever since you figured your feelings out. But you had made her swear on her life and Jeff’s that she wouldn’t say a word about it to anyone, not even Jeff (although Jeff saw it coming). 

“He’s going to be so happy to see you and know that you’re here,” Glenne said to you as the beginning of ‘Fine Line’ was starting. You thought the album was an  absolute masterpiece that was composed of beautiful lyrics, melodies, and emotion. You made sure to dance and cheer for the songs you didn’t know the words to extra loud, and you sang to the ones you knew without hesitation. You stayed up all night, listening to the album multiple times on repeat and trying to get the words down, and you were sure everyone did the same. 

As you listened to Harry sing the outro and the words ‘We’ll be alright’ coming out so effortlessly, you were reminded of your words to him as you left the hotel room. The song was quite hard hitting and you felt every inch of your skin cover in goosebumps. 

You practically lost your shit when Stevie Nicks came out and performed ‘Landslide’ with him, and when he sang ‘Wonderful Christmas Time’ while fake snow was falling from the ceiling. Before you knew it, Harry was in the middle of singing ‘Kiwi,’ and Glenne tapped your arm, telling you to follow her and you knew that you three were going backstage already. You felt butterflies in your stomach, feeling really nervous to see him again up close after a year and a half; and you only hoped that he was happy to see you as well. 

You heard the muffled final beat of the song as the crowd loudly cheered for him, telling him to do another song, but you knew that it was the end of the show. Jeff had walked way ahead of you both to grab Harry really quick, so he could point his attention towards you. Your hands were shaking as your arm was looped with Glenne’s as she provided physical support for you, holding you up, and continuously telling you that he’s going to be so ecstatic. 

Cheers erupted from the crew as everyone hugged each other, proud and happy of the success of Harry’s first show of his sophomore album. Once you were close enough, you could make out everyone’s faces. The band was there along with Harry’s friends and producers that had written the album with him. Finally, there was Harry; his back was facing you as he hugged Jeff, and Jeff gave you an amusing smile as he hugged his best friend. You heard him whisper into Harry’s ear, and Harry pulled back, saying, “What?” 

Jeff nodded, and Harry quickly turned around. His face was pulled into a shocked expression as his eyes widened and his body was practically frozen as he took in your presence. You smiled softly, waiting for him to say or do something because you didn’t know how he felt with you being here on his special night. 

Finally, he took two long strides towards you, pulling you in for a hug. Your body collided with his, and smiled into his shoulder, wrapping your arms around his tone body. 

“How are you?” You whispered in his ear as you practically felt him shaking in your arms. 

“I’m doing good. Better now,” he said softly. “What the fuck are you doing here, angel?” He chuckled, finally realizing that you were here in his arms. The sound of your pet name had widened your smile as your eyes watered; feeling so happy that you finally got to hear that name come from out of his mouth again. 

“Came to see you,” you said in his neck. He pulled back, looking at you in the eye before smiling like crazy as he took you in his arms again. He felt like he was on the moon; the overwhelming feeling of the feedback from the album, the show, and now finally getting to see you for the first time in a very long time—he truly couldn’t believe it, so he held you tight, not wanting to let you go as he felt like if he did, then you would vanish again. You felt his hesitancy or not wanting to let you go, so you whispered in his ear, “Hey, I’m here. Not leaving.” 

He eventually pulled back, and noticed everyone that gathered around you two, and smiles were on their faces with their hands over their hearts. They all had really witnessed Harry struggle the past year and a half; from song writing, recording, rehearsing, and just being present. They really saw Harry at his lowest, and now they're happy to finally see him happy now that you’re here. 

“I-I have to go meet some people and take some pictures, but do you think, uhm…” he trailed off, realizing that he might be acting too eager. 

“H, I’m right here. Do what you have to do, and I’ll wait for you, alright?” You told him with a smile, and he nodded. He didn’t want to walk away from you, but you knew that some people were waiting for him, so he had to leave. He gave you one last hug, which brightened your smile, and he walked down the hall of The Forum. “Stay in my dressing room!” He called out, and you laughed, remembering the talks and moments in his dressing room after his shows. 

Heading over to his dressing room, you stopped to say hi to everyone as they excitedly greeted you. You couldn’t believe that you were here again. The journey to get here was a struggle, but reuniting with everyone had made it so worth it—seeing Harry again was worth it, and you knew that you had to do it. 

After an hour of catching up with the crew and band, and sitting on his couch, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the Fine Line Booklet that contained pictures of Harry in the process of recording his album, he finally showed up. Sighing as he walked in from the rush of the entire day, once he saw your face again, he knew he wasn’t in the state of dreaming because you were really here. 

He took a seat on the couch next to you, taking your hand in his. He hesitantly raised your hand to his mouth and placed a kiss on the back of it; you smiled at the sweet gesture, caressing your thumb against his hand. 

“How are you, angel?” He asked, softly smiling as he was trying to contain his excitement that you’re finally here. 

“I’m good, H. I’m happy,” you said, and hearing that made Harry’s eyes glossy because that’s all he wanted from you. He wanted you to be happy; with yourself, with others, and with life. 

“I’m so glad to hear you say that,” he smiled, dimples poking out. You reached over to caress his cheek, rubbing his dimple out, and he turned his head to kiss the inside of your hand. 

“I want to hear everything from you--catch me up on everything?” He nodded eagerly, wanting that from you too. 

“Security said that the parking lot is empty now because they had to practically kick everyone out, so there’s no one out there, but what do you say we go out there and walk around the parking lot?” He suggested. It was almost midnight, and despite being exhausted and overwhelmed by this whole day, he’d rather stay up and talk for hours with you. 

“Are you sure? You’re not tired?” You asked, and he shook your head. 

“No, not at all. It’s been a year and a half since I last saw you. I want to spend time with you.”

“Okay, I’d like that,” you smiled, and he nodded, telling you that he was going to change really quick. He walked over to his duffel bag, grabbing some clothes before walking over to the changing room that was in his dressing room. Before he walked in, he turned around, facing you. 

“Hey.” You perked up, smiling. He missed your smile so damn much. “Your favorite flower is a baby pink peony,” he said before walking into the room. 

You were immediately taken back to the night when you had left when you had told him that he didn’t know what your favorite flower was, but all this time, he knew. He had always known. 

Walking towards the exit of the venue, the night was dark as the moon shined from up above you. With cold air rushing through you, you shivered, and Harry smiled next to you as you two walked through the emptiness of the parking lot. Before you two even spoke a word on how to go about having the ‘catch up’ conversation, you sensed Harry’s nervousness as he felt a bit hesitant with you because of the distance and time spent apart. But you wanted to remind him that you were the same person. You had the same feelings for him, and you really hoped he had some feelings for you too. 

So, you brushed your left hand against his right hand, cheeks flushed, and you interlock your fingers together, holding his warm ringed hand with your small one. 

This was it--this moment right here. This was where you were supposed to be. 

please come into my inbox and tell me how you’re feeling and what you thought of this! she was an emotional one :’)

[violentivy]

Day 1: Photo 1.  REEL FEELS 1 of 365

A bitch needed a project.  It’s me, I’m a bitch! 

Stream of consciousness blog entry to follow!

As I sit here listening to the brilliant album my son released today, I am reminded of the fact that I have not, in quite some time, taken on an artistic project outside of video.  Think of this like a bereal, but I’m the only one doing it.

As far as I know.

But you get an additional journal entry.

Something broke in me a few days ago.  I haven’t been able to get a handle on my feelings of affection.  I just feel like I have to tell everyone how I feel about them.  Luckily for the most part I’ve chosen people who at least kind of sort of get that I’m an odd bird.

Sadly, I don’t have that many people in my life that I can trust to tell them how I actually feel about a thing.

and that’s a first.  Not a first I want to be a trend.  I have a lot of feelings and they are big.  People get sick of me talking.

I am too much for a lot of people.  I am always going to be, at my core, too much.

Some people are ok with my too muchness.  My friends from work, my two besties that I don’t talk to outside of work for the most part.

These are my people.  These are the people I would like to attract.  But, I’d like to be able to spend time with them outside of work.  That’s my only critique

My too muchness can be traced back to the first time my mother paid attention to me at the grocery store after summarily disregarding me when I would ask for things.

Then, I realized that if I tap danced in front of something in the goofiest and loudest way possible, Mom paid attention and LAUGHED.

My Mom didn’t laugh a lot in my memory.  She didn’t do a lot of things in my memory.

Which is part of why we are here now.

This REEL FEELS project to serve as an reminder to myself to check in and allow my big stupid feelings to come out of me before I end up professing my undying love to a toaster or some shit.

I feel deeply alone.  I feel like the whole world has told a joke and I am not in on the punchline.  I don’t know that I need to know what the joke is, nor the punch line so long as we aren’t all laughing at ME.  I mean, you can laugh at me but please don’t do so in a mean way...

Too much.

I know.  I’ve heard that before.  Tell me before I become a problem.

As yet another fucking tear falls out of my face over wasted interactions that I do not comprehend.  If only I were competent at reading emotions over text.

When in person and the energy is wrong, I run for the hills.  And his was WRONG for the interaction I expected but right for so many other reasons.

but I’ve given up, because I became too much.

At least I’m guided and protected.  At least nothing will harm me.  I didn’t cross any lines, YET.  But my energy and emotion is becoming too big and will swallow me whole by the time you read these lines.

And the beams come out through words from my fingers typed, and emotions felt.  But I don’t want to scare anyone.

Gods forbid.

I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of always being too much for everyone.  but really honestly and truly guys I am this excited about everything.  I am this hype about seeing my friends, and hearing songs I recognize on someone else’s radio, and the world when it’s green, and brown, and white...  and when I stood with him for a half an hour watching the snow...

and I have all of these feelings that I can’t express.  but how could you not feel the magic there.  The energy thick, expectant.  I thought at least 30 times he was going to turn and kiss me.

It’s been a year, and I still remember the way every goosebump stood taught in the tension of the moment.

I live for that tension.  I bask in the discomfort.  As long as I know I am safe, and my friends got me.  and they don’t mind my muchness in that moment.

Some days I get so excited I just want to throw my arms around myself, and my friends.  Especially my friends.

Not everyone is ok with that and I am ok that they aren’t.  Consent is important and no is a sentence.

Being asked is nice, and can be much nicer if it’s done correctly.  

I view my too muchness like a penis.  It’s fine to have one and wag it about if people want to see it, but good gods man, put that shit away, have some modesty.

and I believe I will not exceed that line above tonight no matter what I say so, let me just leave this here.  

And let me know if you’re gonna follow this.  Let’s use tag #Reel Feels

[talkfastromance4]

something part 3--calum hood

A/N: This is it! The final piece! Thank you for bearing with me while I took you on this rollercoaster of emotions and for being so kind while I took my break. Much love💕

Word count: 5.2k

Warnings: drinking, mentions of smoking weed, dealing with heartbreak, sexual situations

Part one || Part two

***

Five months have gone by and Calum tried to push the idea to publicly date Missy away as best he could. The guys even tried to help, but inevitably he was forced to say yes. Calum’s reading over the itinerary he and Missy have to follow over his morning coffee. He takes a sip remembering when she was brought in to discuss the arrangements. It was the Monday following the best and worst weekend of his life with Y/N.

Calum’s body language is screaming ‘leave me the fuck alone I’m pissed’ as he sits slouched in the chair, arms folded against his chest and his hands in fists. His facial expression mirrors a rock, hard and unforgiving as Missy walks in with her manager and the band’s PR liaison. He watches her with hard eyes take a seat next to him, Calum purposely shifts his chair far away from her. She frowns slightly then smiles politely to the rest.

Calum listens as the team discusses the arrangement. How it will benefit both the band and up the ante on her modeling career.

“To be tied with one of the most desirable bachelors will increase magazines wanting to feature you,” Christina the liaison explains excitedly. Calum can’t help but snort.

“Pair her with Styles’ then, he’s more notorious than I am,” Calum grumbles.

“We couldn’t get in contact,” Missy’s manager says, her voice clipped as she narrows her eyes at Calum. “It will boost record sales for your music—”

“And we want the first single to be the love song, ‘Through the Dark.’”

Ashton, Michael, and Luke’s heads whip to Calum who has become even more outraged. It can’t be that song; he wrote that about Y/N.

“With the new romance rumors and the song, it will be a hit in no time, probably surpassing the charts of Ariana Grande and Styles combined.”

“No, we’re not having that be the single,” Ashton tries to dissuade the agreement that neither member of the band was a part of.

“Why not?”

“Because it wasn’t written about Missy,” Calum says. His voice is as monotonous as his face. From the corner of his eye, he sees Missy look at him with a quizzical look.

“So what? No one will know except the people in this room. The relationship will last about eight months, until the album is officially released, and touring starts. You’ll inevitably break up because Missy will be too busy modeling around the world and you gentleman will also be touring. Everybody wins.”

There’s grumbles amongst the band, Calum’s jaw clicks in anger. He turns his gaze to the window, sees the clouds rolling in as his private life is being scheduled like he’s some sort of robot. He closes his eyes thinking of Y/N, and how she looked in that flower crown and then how she looked with the petals scattered in her hair like she was some type of goddess. Then he sees her with tears in her eyes.

“Calum?”

He opens his eyes and turns at the sound of his name. It’s just him and Missy in the conference room. He’s getting really tired of hearing his name if it’s not from Y/N’s lips. She moves a little closer to him in her chair, an apologetic look on her face.

“Kind of surprised ‘fake dating’ actually happens. I’ve heard rumors and look, they’re true.”

“Imagine that.” He rolls his eyes.

Missy feels the iciness in his tone, and she tries again.

“Look, this is weird for me, too. It was all my manager’s idea which is insulting because if I need a fake boyfriend to get more modeling gigs then her faith in me isn’t all that great. I don’t think of you that way—”

“Your kiss at my party said otherwise.”

“I was drunk, I’ll kiss anyone. And…all right, maybe I did have a crush on but when that girl—”

“Y/N?”

“Right, her. When Y/N showed up and I saw the way you looked at her…I couldn’t compete with that. I don’t want to come between you two.”

“Too late.”

“What happened? Maybe I could talk to her—”

“I don’t really feel like talking about it, Missy, all right? She’s not even talking to me, so I highly doubt she’d talk to you. The woman of my dreams ended things before they even began, and I couldn’t even tell her I love her.”

Missy’s quiet for a moment then offers a kind smile.

“Sounds like you want to talk about it a little….”

He pushes away from the table in a huff then stops with his hand on the doorknob.

“I’ll play this act if it helps you in some weird, twisted way but it means nothing to me. We’ll do all the proper pap shots and appearances but no physical contact whatsoever. Those are my limits.”

He storms out as he hears a quiet ‘okay’ and the guys are waiting for him down the hall. They try to reach out for him, but Calum continues walking.

Calum looks down at his notebook, sketches and doodles of flowers are scattered about the page. Their stems and vines looping through the words that are constantly running through his head. He takes a long drink of his coffee, letting the bitterness warm his insides.

After the meeting with management and Missy, Calum called Y/N. He texted her. He knocked on her door. It wasn’t until Crystal told him to give her space did he really back off. He knows Y/N didn’t mean what she said. That night they shared was something special. From how she was so perfect with his untimely manner to how she took care of him while he had allergies from the flowers he picked. And finally, to the way they connected.

The radio in his car is still broken, but he doesn’t listen to music anymore, he can’t because it reminds him of Y/N. Everything reminds him of her.

It’s not like Missy is a bad person. She’s actually become a good friend to Calum and respected his boundaries he set up for their ‘relationship.’ The only touching that happens is by her with her hand holding onto his arm, and even that is just for pictures. No hand holding, no hugs, no kisses.

She’s gaining the hype her manager wanted and Calum has remained off social media as soon as it started. When he’s not rehearsing with the guys or doing PR with Missy, Calum’s secluded himself to his home and music room all while being viewed like a goldfish in a bowl.

So, he writes. He writes about flowers in hair, flowers pressed between bodies and flowers held together by a chain. He also writes about strawberries. He hasn’t eaten one since he kissed her last.

**

Y/N’s been keeping herself busy, well, as much as she can. Everywhere she goes she’s reminded of Calum. Especially when she opens her closet and sees the small wooden box she placed his bouquet of flowers and flower crown in. She couldn’t find it in herself to throw them away.

That first week after what happened with Calum she spent it crying and listening to sad music. Her heartbreak had her rethink of past moments with Calum. All of the ‘what if’s’ are now ‘will nots.’ Which is way too close to ‘he loves me, he loves me not’ for her liking hidden in the petals of the flowers.

She ignored his calls and texts.

The first time she saw them together was a month after the whole ordeal. She thought she was in a good place and as she was scrolling through Instagram on her lunch break she saw the first picture. Calum and Missy were walking along the pier going in and out of shops. They were wearing sunglasses and Calum didn’t really show much emotion but if he knew paps were around, he never did.

What Y/N zeroed in on was Missy’s hand on Calum’s arm.

Her heart fell into her stomach and she closed the app without even reading the caption. She deleted her Instagram and Twitter apps that day.

When she got home she opened the box of flowers, their scent mixed in with the cedar wood twisted her heart. Very delicately, she lifted the bouquet from the box. Calum’s chain was still wrapped around the now dry, frail stems.

She should throw them out. She almost did. She couldn’t. The dried flowers were the only reminder that what happened between her and Calum was real. That it actually happened. How could she let that go? Even if he was the one that got away and kept getting away?

“You did this Y/N,” she muttered to herself placing the flowers back in the box. “You made him leave before you could get attached.”

The next day there was a knock at her door. Not expecting anyone she peeked through the curtains and saw it was Ashton with a pizza box and a plastic bag.

“Ashton…what are you doing here?” she asks upon opening the door.

“I come bearing gifts of the heartbreak kind,” he grins sheepishly holding up the box and bag.

“Is that a champagne bottle I see in that bag?” she asks seeing the slender neck and gold foiling.

“It is. And caramel ice cream.”

“All right. You can come in,” she allows stepping aside so he can enter.

“So,” he sighs falling heavily against the couch. The pizza box is open on her coffee table, he has a glass of water while Y/N is holding onto the bottle of champagne. His hazel eyes take her in, “how are you?”

“That’s a loaded question,” she scoffs pressing play on the Marvel movie. She decided on Infinity War. “It’s been a month, so you think I’d be okay. I was told that however long you were with someone, that’s how long it takes to get over them divided in half. So, if you’re with someone for a year, you should be over them in six months. Calum and I were…’together’ for a day so it should have been twelve hours, right? But nope.”

She takes a long chug of the champagne until it makes her eyes water from the bubbles. The sweet nectar bites at her tongue and teeth.

“Who told you that math?”

“An old boss of mine,” she shrugs.

“Well, it’s stupid as shit. There’s no time limit for how you fall for someone just as there’s no time limit for you to lose feelings. You have feelings when you have them.”

“We went on one date, Ashton. I shouldn’t be this bent out of shape over that.”

“Hey,” he pinches her shoulder affectionately until she looks at him. His face softens. “You and Calum always had something between you. From an outside perspective, I get why you both danced on that line between friends and something more. You’ve both been hurt and there was always something in the way.”

“Or someone,” her eyes drop at the thought of Missy. Then she thinks of the photo she saw of them and rubs at her eyes, so the tears won’t come.

“My point is,” he stresses grabbing hold of her hand, “you’re allowed to feel hurt and sad and angry.”

“I’m trying so hard to not feel that way all the time, but it…it’s so consuming sometimes.”

“I know. Before you drink the whole bottle, eat some pizza, we’ll watch the movie and we can talk some more, okay?”

About halfway through the movie Y/N’s hugging the ¾ full bottle against her chest as a comfort object. She never drinks her sadness away, she knows how dangerous that is, but it feels nice to have her head not feel so full because all her thoughts are tumbling out to Ashton. His arm is around her shoulders in comfort as she leans into him.

“You always thought there was something between us?” she asks.

“I didn’t think, I knew.”

“What’s the difference?” she stares at him quizzically; the bubbly made his words confusing. Ashton smiled at her response.

“He’d always tell me how he wanted to ask you out. He’d ask if you were coming to any dinner or party we had. But he was scared to ruin your friendship and in my opinion, I think it scared him how close you two got so fast.”

“Hmph,” she slumps against the inside of his arm.

“Your song played while we were driving that night, you know.”

“Yeah? Which one?”

“Drive,” she giggles at the comedy of it all. “He gave me wildflowers with his chain around it and bought me a flower crown.”

“It sounds like a great night.”

“It was! But then he got sleepy cause he was allergic to the flowers, then he passed out on me. But I liked it…” she takes the last sip of her champagne then pouts that it’s empty.

“One is enough for you,” Ashton chuckles placing the bottle next to the pizza box. He settles back next to her and they watch the movie for a moment.

“I saw their picture today,” she says somberly. “I know it’s fake. But they’re both a catch…so it’ll be no surprise that it’ll become real.”

“Y/N—”

“It happens all the time Ash,” she shrugs. “I’m the person before everyone’s happy ending.”

“That’s not true. Look at all you and Calum have been through together. This damn arrangement is a roadblock for sure, but you two are the final drive.”

“That…kind of makes sense. I can’t tell,” she shakes her head.

“It’d make sense a full champagne bottle ago,” he mutters but she hears him.

She nudges him in the ribs playfully until they’re both laughing.

“I’m going to use the bathroom,” she says and moves down the hall.

Ashton checks his phone to see Luke is trying to console Calum, too. It was hard for him to act with Missy today. Luke reports that Calum has had only one drink but is smoking a lot of weed to help clear his head and wants to drive to Y/N’s house.

When Ashton has finished replying to keep an eye on him, Y/N is standing next to the couch. He looks up at her to see she has her arms wrapped around herself, her lower lip caught between her teeth, but he hears the quick gasps of her sobs.

“I really hate this, Ashton.”

“C’mere,” he opens his arms to her and hugs her tightly.

“It’s really hard being lonely.”

She cries into his shirt, finding comfort in his embrace and friendship.

**

Y/N’s found a good friendship with Max from work. Nothing romantic at all, but he makes sure they do a lot of fun things together. It’s been almost five months since that night with Calum and when Y/N comes across a photo of him and Missy together, Max is there to take her to the beach or a movie to distract her mind.

Now when she sees photos of them it doesn’t make her go in her closet to look at the wilted flowers. It’s still a sting in the thorn of her heart but it’s more bearable. The first single off their new album was ‘Through the Dark’ and it made her cry. Max found her laying on the floor of her room with it playing on a loop, the box of flowers unopened but lying next to her. He laid next to her and held her hand as tears rolled down her cheeks.

She’s meeting up with Max at his place for lunch and she was craving the chicken Caesar sandwich from the bistro on the pier. It wasn’t until she saw her that Y/N remembered this is a favored spot for Calum and Missy to be spotted and there she was. Standing off the side of the counter looking gorgeous in a spring dress.

Y/N tried to keep her head down as she ordered.

“And what’s the name?” the cashier asks.

“Y/N.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Y/N? Oh, it is you!” Missy says suddenly next to her.

“Got it this time, thanks. We’ll call you when your food’s ready.”

“Thanks,” Y/N mutters. She takes a deep breath and turns to Missy. “Hi.” She looks around the shop expecting to see Calum and trying to prepare herself to come face to face with him.

“He’s not here,” Missy says quietly glancing around the shop as well then grabs Y/N’s wrist pulling her to the far end of the sandwich showcase. “He’d actually hate me for even talking about this…and to you but…I’m so sorry. For everything. My manager came up with this PR stunt.”

“You don’t have to explain, I get it’s for publicity,” Y/N tries to get away from this situation as quickly as possible while also keeping herself together. Her neck is warm, and her breathing has accelerated in a slight panic.

Missy grabs her wrist again but pulls her into the women’s bathroom. Y/N’s affronted at the boldness of Missy’s actions.

“It is all publicity, I swear! I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Calum but he’s miserable. We’re friends now and all he talks about is you. How funny you are and kind you are. He really misses you,” Missy continues with a frown.

Y/N sighs. She really does seem nice but she’s still keeping her guard up. How could she not?

“He really cares about you, Y/N.” Missy stresses squeezing Y/N’s hand for emphasis.

“Missy, look. I appreciate you telling me all this. You… you actually seem really nice and genuine which makes it that much harder for me to dislike you.”

“I get that,” Missy nods her head, “but he really, really cares about you.” Her eyes grow bigger each time she said really, and Y/N gives her a confused look.

“Yeah…you um…you said that?”

“No, he…ugh he’s going to hate me, but he loves you. ‘Through the Dark is about you. He told me you’re the girl of his dreams when we met the Monday after his party. I’ve felt horrible all this time.”

Y/N stares at Missy while she processes what she just heard.

“When did he tell you that again?”

“His party was Friday, and we met that Monday to discuss the logistics of this stupid ploy. Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry for kissing him in front of you! I was drunk, I’ll kiss anyone, and I told him I did have a small crush on him but when I saw the way he looked at you it went away. I swear!”

“He really said he loves me?”

“Yes! When we’re not out getting photographed he’s always writing in his notebook and drawing flowers in it. Not that I’ve read anything,” Missy adds in a rush. “It’s just over his shoulder I saw it a couple times before he closed it.”

“Yeah but that was months ago, I’m sure he’s already caught feelings for you.”

“No, he hasn’t. Trust me. He’s become more like a brother to me, honest. I’ve been trying to force him to talk to you and our ‘contract’ is up in a few months anyway for the album release. I want to break if off early publicly so you can finally be together but he’s so stubborn he won’t.”

Y/N laughs lightly at how fast Missy talks. She’s not sure if it’s out of keeping this all to herself for so long or if that’s really how she is, talking a mile a minute.

“Thank you for telling me this, Missy. I…I can’t believe I’m telling you this since we don’t really know each other but I love him, too. I’ve loved him for so long but I’m the one who pushed him away. I’m the one who told him to do this deal with you because he and I only had one night together,” Y/N explains.

Missy’s eyes widen and she squeals in joy. “You love him too?! Oh, this is great. I’ll arrange for you two to meet up and—”

“Missy, Missy! No, no don’t do that. It’s been too long,” Y/N shrugs. “I doubt he’d want to see me.”

Missy plants her feet on the ground firmly, her face turning very serious very fast. Y/N’s a little taken aback at the fierceness in her gaze.

“Do you want to be with him?” she asks.

“Um..yes.”

“And you love him?”

“Yeah…”

“Then let me help you fix this, please. It’s the least I can do for coming between you when it wasn’t my plan to do so in the first place.”

Y/N takes a deep breath. She’s really starting to like Missy; she has a good heart.

“Okay. How can you help?”

“They’re all planning to go to the Invisible House for a week. I can’t go because I have a shoot to do in New York, but Ashton told me that Calum will be there a couple days before they all arrive.”

Y/N mulls it over, her mind thinking of ways to make it up to him. To apologize. To make him realize how sorry she is and how special he is to her. That despite all the hurdles and messes they’ve been through, that something they have is meaningful.

Then, she gets the perfect idea.

“Do you know when he’s going to be there?” Y/N asks and Missy smiles.

“I know all the details, Y/N.”

**

The drive to the Invisible House is pretty boring without his radio working so he hums to himself as he drives. Calum’s glad he decided to head there a few days before the rest of the group shows up. The pictures are immaculate and he’s excited to try out the hundred-foot pool.

He texted Missy when he was leaving, and she responded with an encouraging text in return.

‘Have fun! Let me know how everything goes 😉’

He’s confused by the winky face but appreciates it all the same. He’s glad to have her as a friend.

When he arrives at the building it’s dusk, the stars are just dusting the sky and the house is a glowing violet in the desert air. He stares at it for a moment, taking in the beauty of the panes of glass, breathing in the cool desert night. If they were all here a year ago maybe Red Desert would have been Purple Desert.

He shakes his head in disbelief. He’s starting to sound like Luke.

He grabs his belongings, two suitcases and a duffel bag and makes his way to the entrance. Ashton and Michael will be bringing the instruments for a jam session, so he didn’t pack his bass.

Once the door is unlocked, he’s mesmerized by the space before he hears music playing. Was that supposed to be playing? He sets his things by the counter and walks further in. The pool is lit up in a light blue and purple with glowing white lotus flowers floating on the water.

There’s flower petals beneath his feet as he walks the length of the pool. It’s a sweet aroma that fills his nose. Then he panics and thinks Michael has this set up for Crystal. He does not want to walk in on them having a private moment, but that’s hard to do in a glass house.

When he’s at the halfway point of the pool, the soft music becomes a bit louder and he recognizes the drum and guitar chords of Something by The Beatles. His mouth goes dry as he comes to the living area at the end of the pool to where Y/N is standing.

There’s petals on the carpet and she’s holding a white flower in her palm with a flower crown on her head. He’s at a loss for words.

“Hi,” she welcomes quietly.

“Hi…what are you doing here?” he wishes he didn’t ask such a dumb question.

“I should have rehearsed this beforehand what I wanted to say but I had to make sure this was all perfect before you got here. Um, I’m here for you. I know it’s been so long, and this is all my fault in the first place. Pushing you away and I thought I was protecting myself.”

She takes a step forward.

“I’ve been a mess without you, Cal. I miss you, so much it hurts. I think of you all the time, and that night we spent together. Your necklace is still wrapped around the flowers you gave me and that’s what made me think of doing this,” she gestures to her flowers on display all around. She takes another step forward. Closer to the step of the living area, closer to Calum.

“We’ve had our fair share of messes with each other. And it’s my fault for the last one so it’s my responsibility to rectify it. I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, how much that night meant to me.”

Another step forward and Calum is reminded of that night in his room. How he came to her, now he’s the one on the receiving end. He watches her with bated breath, and he knows she’s nervous (like he is) by the way she’s playing with the white flower in her hand.

“And the more I thought about the messes we’ve been through it made me think of the Lotus flower. It grows through the mud but when it breaks through, it’s this vibrant and full flower,” she takes two steps and is right at the edge of the step. She holds up the flower.

“And it’s like we’re the flower. We’re growing through the mud and I called it quits before we really bloomed. And…” she takes a shaky breath then laughs nervously, “this sounded romantic in my head but now it sounds super cheesy. But when I heard you were drawing flowers it made me feel like we were still connected.”

She doesn’t say anything more and neither does Calum. Then, when she looks up at him it all makes sense. What they’ve been through these last several months, that was their mud.

“Can you say something?” she whispers, “I’m starting to feel like an idiot and that this was a really stupid idea—”

He lifts her up to his level connecting their lips together. He brings her against him, and she wraps her arms around his neck, their lips getting reacquainted with each other. She tastes like strawberries and smells of flowers and he’s filled with bliss. He feels whole again.

“I love you,” he gasps when they pause to catch their breath. “I should have said it months ago, but I was scared. I thought it was too soon.”

“I love you, too. I’m so sorry for what I said that day. I wish I didn’t—”

He silences her with another kiss.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay. I understand why you did it, sweetheart,” he cups her cheek and gazes into her eyes. “I shouldn’t have walked away like I did.”

“We really are a mess,” she laughs brushing his curls from his face.

“A beautiful mess,” he corrects sucking a kiss from her lips then holds her against him in a tight hug. He never wants to let go.

“Was this too much?” she asks moments later.

“No, it was perfect, thank you for doing all of this for me. I’ll be honest,” he stands up straight to look at her, “I thought I was walking in on Michael and Crystal.”

Y/N laughs and continues laughing until Calum kisses her and she’s left gasping.

“How about we try out the pool?” he mumbles.

They spend a good forty-five minutes in the pool. Soft touches and kisses are exchanged until they reconnect as one. They’re surrounded by the glowing flowers and the ripples they create from their movements. Words of love are spoken and moaned, echoing throughout the space.

They transition to the bed that is also covered in flower petals. Calum kisses down the length of her body, his lips ghosting over her core. Their eyes lock as he attaches his mouth between her folds, his tongue swirling around her bud.

Her legs squeeze around his head on their own accord as she’s vibrating with pleasure. The moans are continuous as he works her over into her second orgasm of the night. When it surpasses, she’s giggling quietly as Calum peppers kisses to her thighs.

“Wow…”

“That good, huh?” he remarks, his lips smacking against her skin bounce off the walls.

“Yeah but…” she rises up on her elbows to look down at him. “Is that all you got? You told me you’d make me cum eight times when we were in your bathroom. Or was that just talk?”

“Oh, you want to be a little sass, huh?” he bites down on the fleshy part of her thigh. “You really shouldn’t have said that.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” she smirks.

“Because now I’m going to make you cum ten times.”

“Okay, Cal, I was just jo—OH!” She falls back against the bed as she’s already filled with intense pleasure.

Suffice it to say, Calum did make her cum nine more times. The overstimulation and her noises got him riled up and he had to be close to her again. He made love to her slowly and tenderly. He gave her gentle kisses and she molded to him.

Before she fell asleep he was stroking her face after she drank some water, he really exhausted her.

“How did you know I was going to be here?”

“I ran into Missy at the bistro I love. She explained everything,” she replies sleepily. She’s struggling to keep her eyes open. “I like her, she’s nice.”

“Yeah, she is.”

“I think she and Max would get along,” she yawns snuggling closer to him.

“I’ll take your word for it. You can go to sleep you know.”

“I want to keep talking to you,” she squeezes his lower back.

“We can talk all day tomorrow. And tomorrow night. And the next day, and the next…”

“Mmm, that sounds nice,” she smiles closing her eyes. “I love you, Cal.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

**

Two days later the rest of the group arrived, and it was a happy albeit awkward reunion because Calum and Y/N were still naked in bed. They spent their time eating, watching movies, and having sex as much as they wanted. It was perfect but also took a lot out of them.

They were both fast asleep until their names were shouted, and Calum scrambled to cover Y/N up.

“I’m glad to see you, Y/N but I’ll hold off on the hug until you aren’t naked with Cal,” Luke laughs.

“We’ll go bring in the rest of the stuff,” Ashton giggles then winks at Y/N.

“Please tell me this was the only place you had sex,” Michael asks peering at them both with narrow eyes.

“Umm…”

“Ugh!” Michael throws his hands in the air. “You guys better not have left messes anywhere!” he complains walking back towards the main kitchen area.

Calum looks over the wall separating their ‘room’ from the rest of the house and turns to her.

“We’re done with messes, yeah?” Calum grins down at her and she nods bringing his face closer to hers.

“Something great came from the mess,” she agrees and slots her lips with his. They’ll have to be super quiet now. 

Taglist: @calpalirwin​​ @myloverboyash​​  @loveroflrh​​ @iovehemmings​​ @cxddlyash​​ @princesslrh​​  @spicycal​​ @mysticalhood​​ @notinthesameguey​​ @wastedheartcth​​  @itjustkindahappenedreally​​ @calumance​​ @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt​​  @sarcastically-defensive17​​ @another-lonely-heart​​ @devilatmydoor​​ @sanrioluke​​ @mayve-hems​​  @haikucal​​ @thatscooibaby​​  @suchalonelysunflower​​ @burstintocolor​​  @dead-and-golden​​ @mymindwide​​  @blackbutterfliescal​​ @redrattlers​​ @karajaynetoday​​ @quasighost​​ @i-like-5sos​​ @creampiecashton​​ @calpops​​ @superbloomed-c​​ @littledrummeraussie​​ @sexgodashton​

[quickspinner]

Indelible - Ch 12 White Space

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | AO3

“A vacation?” Luka frowned, his brow wrinkling. His eyes flicked from Jagged and Penny to the tall, well-dressed black woman sitting ramrod straight beside them. Lucille had been his agent since this whole thing started, but since Luka wasn’t Jagged, Lucille couldn’t be with him constantly. She had other clients and obligations besides Luka, so he rarely saw her in person except when they were in the studio’s corporate offices. She kept in touch regularly by phone and video conference, though, and Luka liked and trusted her. He liked her more because she didn’t baby him the way Penny did Jagged, and was more than willing to call him out when he was being unreasonable.

Now Lucille met his gaze evenly, a hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth, but said nothing.  

Jagged was tense, fingers tapping restlessly on the table, and he wouldn’t look at Luka, but none of that was especially unusual. Jagged hated sitting still and he hated meetings, and he and Luka had had enough artistic differences by now that things were always a little tense between them these days. Penny...well, Penny was hard to read, but he thought there was a little tension in her as well.

Luka’s own fingers began to tap the top of the conference table unconsciously as he glanced at Dingo beside him, and the two band members seated on his other side. “Why?” he asked slowly. “I know it’s the down season, but—aren’t there usually plenty of shows playing during the holidays? Should we really miss out on that?” He directed the question to Lucille; no matter how cool Penny was, Luka knew exactly where her loyalties lay. 

Lucille shrugged, and her lack of concern at the prospect eased his sudden nerves a little. The sparkly gold nail polish she wore flashed as she leaned her elbows on the table and folded her hands. “You’ve been going pretty flat out for a few years now. I think this is a good time for a break.” She glanced at Jagged and pressed her lips together slightly as her dark eyes came back to Luka’s and held them for a moment. She wanted to say more, Luka guessed, but not here. Luka shifted his gaze back to Penny. 

“The lineups for holiday and New Years concerts are pretty eclectic,” Penny demurred. “Lots of big names. We won’t really need an opening act, and—well.” She glanced at Jagged. “We figured you could use a break,” she finished, a little too cheerfully. “The last tour was rough on everybody, and you’ve been spending a lot of time in the studio since we got back. It’ll be good for you to get a little downtime with your family—” she glanced at the rest of the band. “Families, before we start locking things down here and gearing up for the summer.”    

Luka regarded her for a moment longer, and then turned his seat to face Jenna. She shrugged. “I wouldn’t say no to a break,” she admitted, her cheeks taking on a bit of a flush. “The schedule’s been a bit rougher than I expected, to be honest. I wouldn’t mind a breather, and my brother’s supposed to be bringing his new wife to meet the family this Christmas. If you need me I’m there, of course, but it would be nice to go home for a bit.”

Crusher, clearly bored and slumped so low in his chair that he was practically on the floor, just snorted when Luka looked at him. “You’re the brand here,” he said, a slightly sour note in his tone. “If you burn out, we’re all out of the job, so I’m on board with whatever.” 

His attitude irritated Luka, but, taking a deep breath, Luka turned to his other side to look at Dingo. Dingo’s thumbs were moving over his phone, apparently oblivious to the entire conversation, although Luka was sure he had heard every word. 

Luka slumped back in his chair and faced back towards Jagged and Penny, regarding them silently for a moment. Penny looked professional as always, but her face softened a little as he looked at her. Jagged had his arms folded around his chest and still wouldn’t meet Luka’s eyes. He was practically vibrating, clearly ready to be done with this whole thing.

Part of Luka wanted to refuse, to put up the fight Penny and Jagged were clearly expecting, to force Jagged to include him in whatever the hell was going on, to remind him that Luka would not be shoved aside and ignored, but…he glanced at Lucille one more time. Her eyes flicked to Jagged and then back to Luka. Luka stared back at her for a moment, and then sighed as he looked away.

“Okay, sure,” he said finally, and Jagged visibly relaxed, getting up almost at once..  

“That’s the spirit. Go home, kid,” Jagged leaned over the table to slap a hand down on Luka’s shoulder, and then started for the door. “Show your ma you’re okay and get her off my back.” 

“Mom?” Luka asked, confused, but Jagged was already gone. For a moment, nobody else moved. Jenna and Crusher looked at each other, and then they both got up and slipped out of the conference room. Dingo continued to text, still apparently oblivious. 

“I think this is a good choice, Luka,” Penny said, pushing back from the table. “You’ve really hit the ground running since you came with us. I know you want to make the most of this opportunity and that’s fine, but we can all see you need a break. This life,” she made a broad gesture that encompassed the studio’s offices, and everything that went along with them, “it’s a lot. You’re not the only young artist to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. We just want you to pace yourself, that’s all.”

"Why is this suddenly all about me? I’m overwhelmed, but the others are fine?” Luka demanded, aware that he was getting defensive. 

“Oi, some of us actually know how to take a break,” Dingo spoke up, without looking up from his phone. “You’re the one flying around and networking and getting mentored by the greats whenever we get some down time. You’re exhausted and you know it, dumbass.” 

“You’re the face of the band, Luka, and you have run yourself a little ragged,” Penny agreed. “We can tell it’s wearing on you. There’s no shame in taking a break now and then.” 

“Right. Just looking out for me,” Luka muttered. Unreasonably irritated, he stood up and began picking up his things, sliding on the sunglasses Marinette had made him. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He needed to get somewhere private before he took his confused tangle of feelings out on someone who didn’t deserve it. He could read the message here; he’d been butting heads with Jagged for months now, and the rock star was clearly over it. Jagged wanted Luka gone, so they’d cooked up some crap about Luka needing a break. As if Luka couldn’t handle anything the old man could handle, and with a hell of a lot more grace. 

Penny hesitated, watching him, and then stood herself, leaning forward over the table a little. “Listen, Luka. Whatever you think you needed to prove, you’ve more than done it. We all see how hard you work, including Jagged. You’ve made the most of every chance he’s given you and nobody doubts that you deserve to be here. Not anymore. So just...take the break. We all want to see you succeed, but not everybody can be Jagged.”

“I don’t want to be Jagged,” Luka huffed, and then gritted his teeth to keep back the rest of what he was tempted to say.

“We know. Your mom knows. That’s why we’re sending you home. You need those connections, and you need to recharge a little bit before—” She jumped slightly, and then glanced at Lucille. “Well, anyway. I think this will be good for you,” she said, picking up her tablet quickly. 

Luka watched her mutter something to Lucille and make a hasty exit, and then turned back to his agent, raising an eyebrow. “Did you just step on her foot?”

Lucille flashed him a grin. “Damn straight. You’re my lookout, not hers. Sit back down for a second.” 

Luka did, slowly, and Lucile leaned forward. “Listen, we can all tell that things are getting tense between you and Jagged. That’s to be expected, frankly. Jagged never did share the spotlight well, and you’ve got your own vision and you’re committed to it. That’s a good thing , Luka. It’s about time that you started thinking about your career separate from Jagged. This new album release will be a great time to start really hyping you up as an artist, and start separating your name from his.”

Luka blinked. “...Really? You think I’m— we’re —ready for that?” 

Lucille nodded. “It’ll mean a lot of work, it’ll mean playing extra gigs on your own as well as opening the big arena shows for him. It’s going to be exhausting.” She sighed. “Here’s the thing, Luka. You know and I know that part of this is Jagged throwing a snit, but the fact is, all of us can see that you’re running on empty. The rest of the band won’t say it, but you’re starting to run them into the ground too.” 

Dingo huffed beside him. “I’ll damn well say it.” 

Lucille ignored him. “Go home. Spend some time with your family. Unwind and maybe work out some of those knots you’ve tied yourself in. If you really can’t handle doing nothing for that long, I can book you some local shows if you want. Maybe some of those smaller venue gigs you said you’ve been missing?” 

“That...would be nice,” Luka sighed, taking the glasses back off to rub his hand over his face. Juleka was supposed to be in Paris for the next three months, too, so he’d actually have a home to go to. It would be nice to spend some time with her.  Luka nodded slowly, and Lucille reached out and patted his hand. 

“Go home,” she repeated. “Do whatever you’ve gotta do to recharge, because come the new year we’re going to work, and before long it’s going to be your name on the marquee.” 

Luka sighed, and then mustered a smile. “Has my mom seriously been calling Jagged?” 

“Every damn day for the last month, Penny said,” Lucille grinned. “I heard the last one, it was beautiful. I’ll have to stop by Paris while you’re there so I can meet her, I’d like to shake her hand.” 

Luka grinned. “You’d get along.” 

“I bet.” Lucille stood up. “I’m on your side, Luka. Don’t forget it, okay? Whatever you need, I’ll make it happen.” 

“I know,” Luka’s smile turned a little more genuine. “Thanks.” 

“Hey,” Lucille leaned down, putting a hand on the table and tapping her other finger on it for emphasis. “This is not a setback. This is not a punishment. This is the deep breath before the dive into the deep end, okay?”

Luka nodded, and Lucille straightened. “Have a nice trip, okay?” she grinned, and then left. 

“Can we go now?” Dingo grunted, and Luka rolled his eyes, grabbing his things again.

Neither of them said anything on the walk back to the hotel. Luka was brooding, he knew it, and Dingo was still so deep in his phone that Luka had to steer him around obstacles.

Not until they were back in the room did Dingo finally shove his phone back in his pocket and look Luka in the face. 

“Why are you so sour about taking a vacation?” Dingo demanded, throwing himself down on the couch in their suite. “Vacations are a good thing!

“Yeah, of course,” Luka said, walking over to the window and opening the curtain to look out at the city. He’d never really clicked with London, but then he hadn’t ever really gotten out and looked at it, either. He spent most of the time in the studio when they were here, and by the time they returned from tour, the last thing he really cared about was sightseeing and crowds. 

“Normal people go home more than twice a year, Lulu.” 

“Jagged doesn’t,” Luka pointed out. “He barely even has a home."

“As if Jagged was ever normal,” Dingo snorted, but then he pushed himself up with a sigh. “Luka.” He put his hands on Luka’s shoulders and steered him over to the couch, shoving him down in it. “Mate, you don’t want to be Jagged.” Dingo sat down in the armchair chair and scooted it over until they were practically knee to knee. “You know you don’t. Even if you did, you’re not built like him. You’d bleed to death trying to cut out the people you love.”

Luka took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “It feels like admitting he’s right,” he said finally. “If I can’t juggle both, if I can’t stay connected with my family and still kill it on the road...it feels like admitting he wouldn’t have been able to achieve everything he’s achieved if he’d kept us in his lives. I mean if…if he really did that...if he really is my...” 

“No if’s here, mate,” Dingo said, uncharacteristically solemn. “They don’t have to admit it for it to be true, and I think we both know it is.” 

Luka sighed, propping his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. 

“Oi,” Dingo said, and Luka felt his friend’s hand fall on his shoulder and squeeze. “Maybe he is right. That doesn’t make him less of an ass for making the choices he did. It doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. He doesn’t get a free pass for being a shit dad just because he’s the greatest rock n’ roll legend who ever lived. So fuck him. You didn’t start this because of Jagged, and even if he opened some doors, we’ve earned our place here. Don’t lose sight of that.”

Luka reached up and put his hand over Dingo’s, and took a few shaky breaths. Then he nodded, and Dingo squeezed his shoulder one more time before letting go. “Fuck him,” Dingo repeated, leaning back. “Go home. Spend some time with Juleka and the Captain.” He grinned. “Take Marinette on a date that doesn’t involve a phone.” He slid his sunglasses down his nose and winked. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how often you’ve been disappearing lately.” 

Luka rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth as he straightened up and leaned back in his chair. Instead of denying it he found himself saying, “I don’t even know what her schedule is. She might not even plan to be in Paris over New Years.”

“Well get the lead out, mate, what are you waiting for?” Dingo got up and slapped Luka’s arm as he walked by. “Hell, I’ve already booked my tickets to meet up with Bri in Nice before we head back to Paris. Think I can talk her into hitting the beaches with me?” He wiggled his eyebrows at Luka. 

“It’ll be December and the beaches in Nice are made of rocks, so I’m gonna go with ‘no,’” Luka said absently, pulling out his phone. 

He texted Juleka first, and then his mom. Once he knew what dates they were planning to be in Paris he’d be better able to make his own plans. Then he sat there, his thumb hovering over Marinette’s picture. 

It didn’t have to be a date, but...it would be nice to see Marinette in person. It didn’t hurt to ask. If she was busy, that would be fine.  He tapped out a message and sent it, and then turned his chair towards the window again, staring blankly out at the city. 

A few moments later his phone lit up and buzzed in his hand, and then buzzed again, and then a third time. Luka chuckled as he turned it over to look as another message came through. 

He still wasn’t sure it was the right call, but...if they wanted him to take a vacation, he might as well make the most of it, right?

Fiction Master Post

[kidslovecudi]

Man On The Moon III: The Chosen - Album Review By “kidslovecudi“

Before I say anything about this album, let me say that I am so excited that Cudi is finally releasing new music! Speaking for all Cudi fans, we have all been waiting for new solo material from the moon man for the longest time and the few teasers he’s been releasing over the last year, with “Leader Of The Delinquents” and his collaborations with Travis Scott, (“The Scotts”) and Eminem (“The Adventures of Moon Man & Slim Shady”) have not been enough to fully satisfy us. With Man on The Moon III: The Chosen, Cudi fulfills on a promise to his fans he made years ago and gives us quite a lot to digest. However despite how fulfilling this record is, Cudi still manages to leave you on the edge of your seat wanting more and I personally can’t wait to see what he’s going to do next!

1. Beautiful Trip (Intro)

Produced by Kid Cudi, FINNEAS, Plain Pat, Emile Haynie & Dot Da Genius

And it starts...

2. Tequila Shots  ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ 

Produced by Kid Cudi, Dot Da Genius & Take a Daytrip

On this first track Cudi brings us back into the dark world of the moon man but this time with a new outlook. Referencing his previous works, Cudi aims to prove that he’s “not just some sad dude” and feels that despite his mental well being still occasionally being unstable he’s ready for whatever he has to face. What I loved most about this record was Cudi’s consistency. Throughout the years Cudi has mastered the art of having his own unique galactic sound that transcends through all of his music, despite the genre, and that sound is very present here. Along with his classic hums and hypnotic melodies, this track, known as the fan favorite, has the potential to be a classic.

3. Another Day ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by Dot Da Genius, Nosaj Thing & Take a Daytrip

When I first heard this song, I absolutely lost my shit. Cudi started this album off swinging and I was not prepared for him to go so hard. I’ve had this song on repeat quite a few times since I first heard it and along with the beat being absolutely sick, Cudi is rapping his ass off! My favorite part is when the beat breaks down in the second chorus, and I get hype as fuck every single time.

4. She Knows This ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

 Produced by J Gramm, FnZ & Dot Da Genius                  

This song on first listen reminded me of a song by another of my favorite artists, called “The Let Out” by Jidenna but Cudi took it to a whole other level and isn’t as repetitive. Once the track speeds up Cudi goes even harder with even trippier sounds that will make you feel like you’re driving through space. One of my favorite things about this album is that a lot of the songs change in the middle keeping you that much more engaged in the whole song than to quickly digest it, like a lot of records on mainstream radio. On top of that his bars are on complete fire and it’s always great to see Cudi flex his rapping skill that a lot of people don’t give him credit for.

5. Dive ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by Dot Da Genius, Anthony Kilhoffer, Aaron Bow & Teddy Walton

Dive ends the first act of the album and serves as Cudi’s goodbye to his fantasy high. The guitar riffs at the beginning of the song is my favorite part and I wish they were made a bigger part of the song. However this song is classic Cudi, I initially thought it was missing something but after listening to it on it’s own a few more times, I feel like this song is absolutely perfect. It’s groovy as fuck and  I think because it kind of ends so abruptly that it leaves a lot to be desired, but that also might have been Cudi’s intent, allowing it to serve as interlude of sorts. I loved the transitional elements through out the song, like when the bass comes in, his adlibs throughout the song and especially the echoing adlibs like, “MOVE, MOVE” “towards the end. It takes a few really good listens to fully enjoy the song as a whole, like it did for me but the more I played the album the more and more I fell in love with it.

6. Damaged ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by MIKE DEAN, Dot Da Genius & Take a Daytrip

I loved the words to this song and the overall message that Cudi was trying to convey throughout the song, but the song itself didn’t do a whole lot for me until I actually found myself in a similar dark place. It’s one of those classic Cudi records that really makes you sit and reflect on your life and everything you’ve gone through, which was exactly what the song did for me. This song is where the album starts to slow down a bit and Cudi sings and raps about his trials and tribulations of being a damaged man and that sometimes his demons still come back and he has to deal with them. A common struggle most of us who’ve ever dealt with feelings of anxiety and depression all know too well.

7. Heaven on Earth⭐ ⭐ ⭐

 Produced by Dot Da Genius, Anthony Kilhoffer & DST The Danger

This song really didn’t do a whole lot for me but what I loved the most about it again, were it’s adlibs. Cudi really showed out with the adlibs on this album and that’s what made this song enjoyable for me. The song for me just sounded too typical to me but even despite that, it’s still a great track to vibe to, just not something I’d put on my favorites.

8. Show Out (feat. Skepta & Pop Smoke) ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by Dot Da Genius, Anthony Kilhoffer & DST The Danger

Easily one of my favorite tracks on the album, when I first heard this, I completely lost my my shit and it was almost impossible not to turn my entire bedroom upside down. For one beat is absolutely sick and picks the tempo right back up. Cudi, Skepta and Pop Smoke’s voices are infectious together and everyone shines on this song without any one of them over shadowing the other’s performance. Definite a track to rage the fuck out to.

9. Mr. Solo Dolo III ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by Kid Cudi, Audio Anthem, Dot Da Genius & Plain Pat

This song is trippy as fuck. From beginning to end this song takes you on an absolutely journey from the chords and the keys and there are no words to describe it. I remember playing this song while I was driving home from work on my scooter at night and man oh man, the vibes this song had was incredible. It made me feel like I was traveling to another galaxy. As a loner, this song really spoke to me and it made me feel like someone else understood exactly how I felt. My favorite part was his scream after the second verse. It made me feel free and liberated and that my feelings in that moment had been validated.

10. Sad People ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by Dot Da Genius & Take a Daytrip

This song is an absolute vibe. Cudi’s in his bag, back in his zone, as he said and my favorite thing about this song is the chorus. Cudi’s harmonies are absolutely incredible and my favorite part is towards the end of the chorus when the song takes on an eerie west coast like synth and it’s absolutely infectious.It’s like a dark B side to “Cudi Zone” from the first album which is one of my favorite songs by Cudi to this day. It’s songs like this that made Cudi the legendary moon man that he his, in the first place.

11. Elsie’s Baby Boy (flashback) ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by E*Vax, Kid Cudi, Heavy Mellow & Dot Da Genius

This song sounded like a leftover track from “Speedin’ Bullet To Heaven” and despite how much negative criticism that album got, I absolutely love when Cudi dives into his alternative roots and I really hope he decides to dive deeper into it even further at some point. In this song Cudi sings about his relationship with his mother Elsie and his childhood upbringings. By this it in turn gave me flashbacks to my relationship with my grandmother and my childhood memories which all brought back happy and sad moments for me.

12. Sept. 16 ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by Emile Haynie, FINNEAS, Plain Pat & Dot Da Genius

What I loved the most about this record was Cudi’s vulnerability. Cudi has a few rare moments on his albums where he actually sings about love and being in love and it’s always great to hear. Cudi’s such a hopeless romantic and I love when he let’s his guard down and expresses his feelings. This song takes me back to “Kitchen” on “Passion, Pain, & Demon Slayin’“ and though I love that song more, this song was definitely cooked in the same pot.

13. The Void ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by Dot Da Genius, Kid Cudi & MIKE DEAN

The most uplifting song from the album, this song takes me back to some of the vibes from the first album, like his song “Up, Up, and Away”. That was one of the songs in my high school days that made me fully accept myself for who I was, regardless of what people said and this song is just as motivating and uplifting. On the same wave of “Reborn”, Cudi sings about avoiding all negativity on this record and only focusing on the positive. I almost cried towards the end when he thanked us, his fans, for staying with him and never leaving him. It’s a very beautiful song, but I just personally feel like this song should have been the one to end the album or close to end because to me this track is a hard one to follow behind.

14. Lovin’ Me (feat. Phoebe Bridgers) ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by William J. Sullivan, Charlie Handsome, Rami Beatz & Dot Da Genius

It took a little while for this song to set in for me but after it did, it made me want to cry. If you ever struggled with self-love or self-acceptance then this song is for you. What I loved most about this song was the message because it really hit home for me. It’s a beautiful anthem about finding happiness within yourself that I feel a lot of people will relate to.

15. The Pale Moonlight ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Produced by E*Vax, Rami Beatz & Dot Da Genius

Wasn’t feeling this one all too much, but what I loved about it most again, were the adlibs. I loved Cudi’s multiple layering of his vocals throughout the song, especially the “la-la-la-la” parts. The sounds very remiscent to some of Cudi’s earlier music and if you didn’t know any better you’d swear this was a leftover track from “The End Of Day”.

16. Rockstar Knights (feat. Trippie Redd) ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Produced by Jenius, WondaGurl, MIKE DEAN, Dot Da Genius & Take a Daytrip

I’m not a big fan of Trippie Redd but I really fuck with his contributions on this song. This is another song where I really loved the chorus and I also love Cudi’s flow once his verse comes in. Cudi’s wordplay is out of this world on this record and it’s hard not to beat your head as Cudi delivers bar for bar for bar throughout his entire verse. Cudi really shines on this record with his skills as a MC and if Cudi ever felt he had anything to prove as a rapper, he definitely did that here. As the song ends it feels like Cudi just turned the spaceship on hyperdrive and took us along for the ride as he drifted further and further into space- Totally sick.

17. 4 da Kidz ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Produced by WondaGurl, MIKE DEAN, Dot Da Genius, 18YOMAN & Take a Daytrip

A song dedicated to the “kidz” reminding us that we are not alone and this song is another song to vibe out to. With instructions from Cudi, to turn it loud if we need to, this song, on the same frequency as “love.” is another song where Cudi is speaking to us as our big brother and giving us a well needed pep talk. What I loved most about it was Cudi’s vocals on the chorus, especially the way he pronounced the “oo” vowel sounds. It was very reminiscent of a Baltimore accent which I always found comical in the best way which is one of things I love the most about Cudi. He’s not afraid to try different things or pull different things from his various influences despite the genre and on this record, he ties them up beautifully.

18. Lord I Know ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Produced by MIKE DEAN, Dot Da Genius, 18YOMAN & Take a Daytrip

Serving as the closer to the album and the man on the moon trilogy, this song is a classic Cudi hym that tells us that we’re not alone regardless of what we face in life. What I liked most about this song was the message, and that’s why I rate it so highly. In this song Cudi expresses being content with the path he’s on at life and after everything he’s gone through, it makes me happy to finally hear that he’s found peace within himself. The song/album ends with his daughter Vada saying, “To be continued” and I can’t wait to see what Cudi has in store for us next. I just have a strong feeling that all of us Cudi fans are about to eat REAL GOOD.

There’s been a lot said about this album, good and bad but I feel this album is merely a taste of what’s to come. Is this record my favorite? No, but what I can say is that it’s an ALBUM, meaning it’s not a group of songs that you can easily separate like many others. This is the kind of album where you have to play the whole thing all the way through time in and time again to really get what Cudi was trying to convey. It’s not a record that you can just play a few times and be done with, no, it’s a grower. There were a lot of songs on this record that I did not like at first, but after having some time to let them marinate, they became some of my favorites and it made me truly appreciate Kid Cudi as an artist because people don’t make albums like this anymore. There’s rare artists that are this detailed with the way the songs transitions, the interludes, and how copacetic the album is in it’s entirety. This album was truly a gift and I can’t wait to see what else Cudi has left up his sleeve.

                                          Top Favorite Songs

                                                  Another Day

                                                          Dive

                                                Tequila Shots

                                             Rockstar Knights

                                                     The Void

                                              Mr. Solo Dolo III

                                  Listen For Yourself Here!

[foreignswaggersession]

Best of K-Pop 2021 - 20-11

20. SHINee - Code. Code is one of two Shinee songs this year that takes me to another world. And not in a "omg this song is so good" way (even though that too), but in a "wow I'm actually in another galaxy" way. Code is futuristic spacey electro music, perfect for all 90s-inspired synthwave videos. Not only are they the kings of ballads, they're also the kings of b-sides. There's not one Shinee album that hasn't given me at least 3 songs to stan. My favorite Shinee songs are Prism and Odd Eye, and Code feels like a synthesis between the two.

19. Enhypen - Tamed-Dashed. Enhypen permanent group confirmed - ok I like three rookie boy groups now (Drippin, TO1, and now Enhypen). Say what you want, BigHit knows how to set a boy group up for success. I mean what other rookie was competing with Enhypen this year? The dynamic riffs in the instrumental instantly made Tamed-Dashed my favorite Enhypen track (Drunk-Dazed was dead in a ditch after this came out).

18. Chungha - Killing Me. The solo I needed from Chungha this year. I didn't like Bicycle and I didn't love sis enough to listen to a 20-song album - I probably missed something good but y'all will have to let me know. Killing Me gave me bright melodic verses with a sharp electro chorus (similar to my number no. 19 pick) and a catchy hook. I really don't ask for a lot! I also get Roller Coaster vibes from this song, which is a fantastic thing.

17. CIX - Cinema. Congrats to CIX for being the first boy group tp make the bright synthpop song the title track instead of the best b-side on the album. How could y'all let me sleep on this? I really almost missed this serotonin inducing jam, but it flew up to this spot within days of me hearing it last week. “Ooooh cinema cinema cinema” is so breezy and catchy, and the bridge hits my Motown heart. Reminds me of Blue Hour - more groups should copy TXT. Thank god Cinema's on everyone’s best of list, as it deserves.

16. Rocket Punch - Ring Ring. Woollim was really on their misogyny in 2021 but at least they gave me a good Rocket Punch title track! As you can tell, I love the 80s synth trend, especially when it’s as hyper as this. But it's that catchy 5-note melody that kept this song in the top 20. I can also appreciate Rocket Punch's shouty talk-singing more - RIng Ring is fun to shout along to in your car. Don't make sorry, fun-hage ullyeojweo, ring ring the alarm!! Dn-dn-dn-dn-doo...

15. Drippin - Reach Out Your Hands. If Woollim really wanted my sons to be great, they would have let Drippin promote this instead of the good but uninteresting Young Blood. Dubstep is really back in kpop, and this era of dubstep is multitudes better than the last because good producers don't let the drop ruin the chorus. Reach Out Your Hands is Drippin's only 2021 release that meets the standard set in last year's excellent Boyager, which is a shame. The downside of following groups under a poverty-stricken company like Woollim is having to suffer through some weak periods. Hopefully 2022 will see Drippin and Rocket Punch receive more attention even if that means Golcha gets sent to Japan/the basement.

14. ONF - Beautiful Beautiful. The real winners of RTK finally managed to make another song comparable to Complete, bringing joy and happiness to boy group comebacks everywhere. Of course this was staying in the top 20. I was so happy Beautifulx2 was successful - I'm tired of boy groups I like only getting hype for their worst music. I feel like ONF freed the boy groups to stop being so serious and get back to giving the girls something to dance to. Thank you ONF for your service.

13. Dreamcatcher - Odd Eye. Insomnias I'm finally with you. Odd Eye is Dreamcatcher's best title track yet, and my favorite girl group title track in 2021. I knew this song would be the one when I heard the descending guitar riff in the teaser. I’ve always preferred Dreamcatcher’s poppier side (I am a k-pop fan after all), and while Scream was my jam for a minute, Odd Eye stayed on my playlists all year thanks to that catchy af riff. I appreciate the metal elements not overpowering the song like they usually do for me. Instead, this seems like the radio-friendly Evanescence tracks I used to listen to - Sweet Sacrifice anyone?

12. TXT - Dear Sputnik. TXT's best rock song yet - sorry 0X1, sorry Loser, Dear Sputnik was the one. Dear Sputnik has everything I love about Run Away (still their greatest song), but as a power rock stadium anthem. The spooky and spacey prechorus leads to an exploding chorus of teenage angst. Most importantly, there's actual singing in this song - Yeonjun and Huening Kai especially carried this song. Kings of the 4th gen, period.

11. OnlyOneOf - libidO. The actual c*ntiest track of the year. I still haven't gotten into OnlyOneOf, but they've been releasing one of my favorite title tracks of the year since their debut (Sage, angel, and now libidO). libidO is my favorite - its seductive and addictive beat took over my life like a month after its release. "Want you to sing on my body" stayed in my head all year. Not only did 2021 give us back bright boy concepts, it also gave us proper dark concepts with good music. Maybe it's time I learned these boys' names.