#this rant is gonna be a lil messy word wise but
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#this rant is gonna be a lil messy word wise but#is this my idea of a dream date/evening or is it only the ideal date if it were with CB#and why not with someone else who seems to have similar interests. both CB and this person have interests that align with mine#so why is it that I’m freaking out because it’s with someone who is Not CB and like#I don’t wanna see CB cos of all the disrespect and realisations that t#he’s just. not good for me.#but it was easy it was so so easy#half the time i didn’t even have to say what was on my mind#cos he just knew#considering I struggle to vocalise stuff it was a blessing#but I also have to remind myself how nervous I was and the doubts I had before our first date#and the only reason it was easier#is cos for weeks before we’d been having these cute awkward interactions#and I already knew I liked him#and this is all so long ago it shouldn’t matter#i just never recovered#I went from that to completely inconsolable wallowing#to feeling great and myself by spring. then stupidly dating wolfie#who tried to tear me down#and then the summer was just a mess and my fwb pointed out how clear it was that I was in love w CB but in denial#and yeh.#then had a bad rubbish awkward date#spent months falling apart missing CB#then had another bad rubbish awkward so so so awkward date#then saw CB again and god i just. fuck.#and then by feb I thought I was past it. thank u modafinil#I worked through so much and it helped so much#Im scared of being underwhelmed. and trying and being more underwhelmed and how hard that will make me miss cb#like if I try but don’t connect with people I should connect with it leaves me terrified#that I won’t connect with anyone as well as I did w CB and that fell apart so hard! I feel so disconnected bro
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