#this probably isn’t even real but who gaf anymore

[qprpbj]

streets saying paul kissed his ring before decking darry in the face at a show question mark .. i said oh im sure

[brooks-heart-sunglasses]

Okay I am here today to add my own straw hats sexuality headcanons to fuel the fire. I am cis so don’t have a lot to say abt gender but whatever my friend @jinbeisluffy says is correct and true. Fair warning I am aroace and I love projecting onto character however I am not sorry for it. Anyways. These r just my headcanons and u are free to disagree just pls don’t do it on my post. Thanks

Luffy - aroace. THEEEEE most aromantic asexual to ever aroace. This isn’t even me projecting this is just fact. This guy does NOT give a fuck about romance or sex bc why would he when there’s food to eat which tbh is very real of him

Zoro - this is a homosexual. Enough said. He doesn’t really care about labels however and he probably wouldn’t call himself gay cause he doesn’t gaf however he likes men

Nami - lesbian. This is a girlkisser. She and zoro are PEAK mlm/wlw hostility. And recently my friend said demisexual nami which hffsgshsh…….. neurons r activating…. I’m absorbing it into my worldview. Demi nami for the win

Usopp - typa guy to also not really label himself but he does like both genders. I am hitting him with asexuality. In fact I am hitting many people with asexuality and there is nothing you can do to stop me

Sanji - hgrghsghsh this one is actually difficult bc there r so many good routes you can take with him……. However he is some flavor of queer. Whole cake island (and one piece as a whole but that’s a conversation for another day) is sooooo incredibly queercoded. “Erm sanji is cis” okay then why did kuma send him to gender island

Chopper - he doesn’t really think about it a lot. He just likes who he likes :]

Robin - bisexual (so I have a chance with her (I do not)). Frobin is sooo incredibly bi4bi trans4trans freak4freak coded

Franky - as I said bi4bi trans4trans freak4freak but in his case it’s in a cool epic asexual way

Brook - an elder queer. He and yorki were literally married I was there trust. They adopted a whale together. He is demiromantic but he doesn’t know what that is. I am hitting him with asexuality I AM HITTING HIM WITH ASEXUALITY bc he is my favorite and he is just like me fr. “But what about his pervy side” in the cooler more based version of one piece I have in my head that does not exist shhhh

Jimbei - he is aroace. Never really thought or cared much about it, but he doesn’t want nor feel the need to be in a relationship with someone. He’s just happy being with his crew and not having to politically maneuver his way though life anymore and that is good for him

[janiedean]

ooh so linked to the Brienne ask re: the kingsguard part. What are your thoughts on Aerys’ kingsguard, especially like Arthur Dayne who Jaime from what I remember has complicated feelings for but pretty much idolises him. And they’re so loved by almost everyone in universe!!! Like idk how to think about them really my feelings for them are also complicated

+ okay good because I honestly don’t see why people love them so much like most of the things we’ve heard about them are like. Objectively bad. And like yeah the idea of them is cool but well that can only go so far. also I’m sorry if these asks are a mess I’m exhausted!! ALSO I think you’re amazing for answering all of us anons with such detail I always love coming on to your blog

(putting both asks in the same place uu)

in order: the fact that they're loved by everyone in-universe and fandom actually likes them (or at least arthur dayne hahahahaha god) is like... some of george's best trolling because guess what the entire point is that they're supposed to look like amazing people/the real deal when instead they're all terrible the end - except again for the poor martell prince whom we don't know enough about and I'll give him a pass bc martell people are usually not stupid af but in order:

as I said george has made a point of stating that knighthood is a rotten institution and the kg especially aerys being like... what should be the highest honor for a knight is equally as rotten as knigthood in general and is made of people who do Not Deserve The Title - I mean again hey it's orders so marital rape is fine, hey we're leaving the 15yo to man an entire castle? WHY NOT, the king is mad? WELL WE SWORE TO SERVE HIM, like not counting martell prince there isn't one single person in the aerys kg except jaime who actually upheld the oaths they swore ie protecting the innocent so make of that what you will

the fact that jaime aka the fifteen year old is literally the only one who gets the job and then goes there like 'hey we're basically covering for marital rape what the fuck' and no one else bats an eyelid should already say everything there is to say about these people's moral standard

the fact that none of them actually stuck up for the fifteen-year old who was obviously not ready for the job nor tried to idk do anything to make it easier on him or whatever also says everything about their moral standard because honestly fuck you

the fact that everyone thinks they're amazing jaime included when they're all pretty much shitty is like... well, same as fandom does, which means that the readers bought what people in-narrative do... except that the moment you scratch the surface it's really damned bad

and I'm saying barristan is on thin ice because from his chapters you can see he's like... not a bad dude but like his reaction to jaime being in there still when he saw aerys is 'ah that fucker who killed the king and was so proud he had to try and get into it at fifteen'? like??? fuck you?? honestly the fact that all of them literally served a dude who put people on fire and was a menace/danger to the realm and then have the gall to think that jaime is the worst or who didn't like try to help him or anything while he was obv struggling with his vows and the fact that he was serving a madman says all about their moral standards, again

and honestly arthur dayne is the literal worst of all of them because like - first of all oh you knight the 15yo who goes along with you slaying bandits and you don't try to dissuade him from joining the kg? what the fucking fuck am I supposed to think - second of all you don't even warn him of what is expecting him when he joins when you've been there for a while? - but third of all which drives me insane and I hate that fandom sleeps on it and goes around happily like ARTHUR/LYANNA THE SHIP OF DREAMS... okay listen like I have literally zero investment in lyanna as a character or in r + l and I don't necessarily think he did everything - I think they had a mutual infatuation and eloped and she sorely regretted it and then it was on r. who shouldn't have like acted on it because he happened to be the 20+ year old with a wife and kids, but there's the whole tower of joy situation - in which sorry but we have arthur fucking off KL with other kg people and leaving all the others in the literal shit bc they'd have to deal with aerys and it'd be less of them than they should be, to go with rhaegar to the tower of joy to help him elope which whatever, and then lyanna was left there after r. had to go back... when her brother and father were burned alive and like if she knew that then I doubt she'd have wanted to stay and if she didn't then they withheld fairly important fucking information, so like he stayed there guarding a pregnant 15-16 yo who most likely did not want to be there and who is pregnant by his best friend whose family oh accidentally murdered half of hers........ and lyanna was there even after rhaegar died so I mean it's not like the moment he happened this dude goes and says 'hey maybe we should actually go back and see if we can solve this mess' no he kept her prisoner there anyway - on top of that... here I'm wildly speculating but: he had to know rhaegar was dead and when ned showed up if we are to believe him and idt he was unreliable on that... ned didn't want to fight him or kill him he just wanted to get his sister and leave and like he was most likely in love with ashara aka arthur's sister so why the fuck would he want to kill him right, and like rhaegar's dead and arthur has nothing to lose by letting ned up especially knowing that lyanna is fucking dying in childbirth like she's dying her brother's there just let him up and solve it later esp when the dude doesn't want to kill you....... but no ned had to kill him because he wouldn't budge and why the fucking fuck wouldn't you budge at that point? your side lost the war, the guy you were friends with that you did all of this for is dead, the girl is about to die at least let her die with her family, why? - only thing I can deduce from it: that rhaegar told him that the baby's survival was the most important thing because third head of the dragon blah blah blah and that if the war was lost to just grab the baby and lyanna if she survived and fuck off to essos until he grew up, except that lyanna didn't survive so the conclusion is that he tried to stop ned from going up there bc he'd have found out about the baby and tried to stop them and at that point who gives a fuck if lyanna died or not but he'd have liked... let her die and kill ned in the process and done that most likely, and sorry but when they knightly vows are, I would like to remind everyone, In the name of the Warrior I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father I charge you to be just. In the name of the Mother I charge you to defend the young and innocent. In the name of the Maid I charge you to protect all women…. like... what, what exactly has this dude done that would qualify as that? because lyanna would be young and innocent and a woman and he basically is letting her die, that behavior does not qualify as bravery and he'd like... deny the kid a chance of growing up with his family period if he killed ned and he didn't seem to particularly give a fuck las we checked, and that's like not counting the whole 'oh I won't tell the 15yo who idolizes me that he's signing

his life away to trauma nor I will support him for shit when he does' part of it, but the tower of joy stuff is shady whichever way you look at it and honestly the more time passes the more I'm convinced this guy is just a complete pos and the worst of them all except gregor when it comes to like 'people thinking you're a good knight and you're actually a pos instead' and I'm dying on that hill until george proves me wrong

and on that the thing is that... I ranted about it once here but basically jaime idolizes the shit out of him because he never saw that even if his subconscious kinda knows because when he had the weirwood dream his greatest fear was confronting the former kg and everyone was accusing him of stuff he couldn't have physically prevented (more ranting on the weirwood dream here) and he's there like 'ah I wanted to be arthur dayne but I became the smiling knight instead' but like... actually he is more of a true knight than arthur dayne can ever hope to be? because like in the above meta I was talking specifically about how to pia he's like... better than arthur dayne, but like not to be that person but jaime who thinks he's the gregor clegane of his time and not arthur dayne, while arthur dayne was... doing the shady toj thing with lyanna - saved an entire city from aerys blowing it up - risked his neck for brienne even if he didn't even like her as in he got himself kicked in a healing stump when he couldn't even stand up for himself so she wouldn't be raped - risked his neck going back for her at harrenhal and jumped into the bear pit without even knowing how he'd manage it - was actually being a decent person to tommen until c. forced him to leave - the moment he saw what happened with pia he gave her her rapist's head when she's like a commoner no one gaf about and took her into her service - when his squire wanted to bed her he like told him to be kind to her jfc - is per tyrion the only relative who actually loved him/freed him/actually stuck up for him (and tysha is on tywin thank you all very much and jaime feels so great about it he doesn't think about it until he can't anymore) (also he was the one chasing the bandits away in the first place so he was probably there like oH I HELPED A MAIDEN too lmao god fuck tywin) - actually stuck for his cat vow bc he took riverrun without bloodshed - sent brienne after sansa with the magic amazing sword because he wanted to upheld their shared vow to cat going against his own family - the moment brienne shows up like hey wanna blow this joint and leave the army you don't wanna lead to find sansa he didn't even like blink before saying yes and I'm supposed to think that in between him and arthur dayne he isn't the only one who actually stuck to his vows as well as he could/knows anything about them/is actually a trueknight™? because lmao the fact that jaime doesn't fancy himself one because of aerys when everyone fancies arthur dayne one when the latter did absolutely fucking nothing beyond slaying bandits to put his money where his mouth was while jaime didn't even like brand himself like that and still did all of that and half of it was acting on instinct not even like doing the math before and *he* was the one wanting to be knighted at fifteen and took his vows seriously when oh wait knightly vows are basically the epitome of selflessness is like again grrm trolling the hell out of everyone characters included but it's clear from the narrative imvho and I can't wait for the moment he serves the just desserts and a) jaime realizes it b) everyone else in-narrative realizes it c) bran timetravels to the fucking toj and we find out what actually went down there and this saint arthur narrative is burned to the ground because honestly no

there, I think I spat out almost all of my venom XD

[kouhaiofcolor]

Your opinion on white passing biracial (one black parent) celebrities/people?

Sorry it took so long to get around to this. I don't keep up w/ v many celebrities in general (which is why I'm always the last one to get news ab them lol), but to be real — & I'll just use celebs like Rashida Jones, Halle Berry, Zoë Kravitz, Tracee Ellis Ross & Tessa Thompson for example ig — half Black ppl & white passing mixed ppl get just as much time in the limelight automatically as white celebs imo. At the traditional expense of monoracial Blackness.

At length mixed celebs have more outlets & opportunities to act, wed (that one for strong colorist reasons perpetuated heaviest these days by monoracial Black male music artists), play focal roles in movies & tv shows, be on the cover of magazines consistently, have their work prioritised & distinguishable over monoracial Black People's, etc. I feel like light & fair skin (esp where women are the subject) has become a trendy division between what whiteness is (oppressive & privileged) & what Blackness isn't (fairly represented or respected).

I've even noticed a solace some mixed ppl find socially w/ being biracial as opposed to being monoracial. Truth be told I think it's less ab being the byproducts of two races (esp races w conflicting history for what irony's worth) & more ab looking phenotypically ambiguous enough that they don't seem Black at all. Among celebs & ur everyman. I've come across posts by biracial ppl here & on Twitter that openly grieve being half Black. No remorse ab being equally as half white. Just literally socially fatigued ab their Black traits specifically (whether it be their hair texture, skin complexion, ancestry, genetic susceptibilities, their eye color, physique, etc), & I just be feeling like uhm,,,, ok well then damn ���� you're also half oppressor, indigenous land thief, slave owner as well as probable trader — but if being Black is literally bottom of the barrel between the two for you, who am I to talk you away from that ledge? Esp as a monoracial Black Person myself. Its like how the hell do you feel ab ppl who look like me, then, y'know?

I have nothing against light-skinned or white-passing half Black ppl, but oml I really hate how normal being adverse to being Black is — & I've also noticed how unbothered by it some mixed individuals are. It perpetuates the divisions that isolate brown & dark skinned women & men right there w the toxic & no less popular music/social networks that constantly remind monoracial Black People that they are not good enough or don't meet a particular cut.

That's cuts we don't meet to be humanized outside of fetishization or sexuality; that's cuts we don't meet to represent things that have always been culturally Black but that our complexions aren't “ambiguously aesthetic” enough to be a source for; thats cuts we don't meet to have an entirely monoracial Black family in commercials & advertisement; the cuts we don't meet to have representation of Black Couples where the woman's complexion isn't slightly to dramatically lighter than the man's; the cuts we don't meet to even be able to identify w/ our own music anymore what w/ the “Yall invited to the cookout!” bullshitery that overly friendly mono Black Folk never seem to understand is harmful twofold for our community, lineage & future.

Half Black celebs & regular-shmegular mixed ppl have a quality of privilege just short of what white ppl have to me. They get the defined human representation Monoracial Black People never have w/o a fight or some sort of social quarrel. They're the placeholders for the social stagnance white supremacy imposed on humanity, so they get put at the forefront as representatives in things knowledgeably Monoracially Black & seldom speak up or out for dark-skinned Black People where it really counts. Not to generalize all of them, but if some Half Black ppl were a little more consciously inclusive & considerate of how Mono Blacks are discluded at a still v consistent rate where mixed ppl have become the binary fav between “conservative anti-Black whites” & “liberal anti-Black Blacks”, then I might have a different opinion.

Tldr, at the end of the day tho woke Half Black Ppl who identify as & are comfortably Black are cool af imo✌🏽it's the anti-Black “team lightskin” & “i don't have a problem w white ppl using the n word towards or around me nor gaf why it offends mono Black People” types that come off as pretentious & colorist to me but that's just my shitty opinion. Every shade of Black is important to me as a Pro Black Woman, but personally I'm definitely more of a rider for Brown & Dark Skinned Black Women.

[rockinem777]

Is this isn't even 30% of my life's fucking tragity & I still have the heart to do good for people and love like y'all are bitch made fr

I have been through so much fucking bullshit and deception and straight betrayals are an understatement to everything I have been through. I've lost my best friend. I have walked away from people I loved. I have let a grown man take advantage of everything in me he could and leave me with nothing but hate for myself. My best friend in high school wrote the first statement on me. My fiance in West Virginia has given up on me. I have never met anyone as solid as me. My best friend Kat Lynn fucking dumb fake ass bitch. She's causes a world of problems. Never did I once say a bad thing about her. My parents know I'm dying. They don't give a fuck. My dog is dying. Like lemme make it real fucking clear for you who doesn't seem to know who the fuck I am and wtf I've been through. I got my TBI cause I jumped out of a car cause the mfer told me I wouldn't. Well let me make it more realistic. My first love and I were fighting and his dad made me go home. In the car I wanted to jump out. He said I wouldn't and long story short I opened the door and the brakes through me out the door 55Mph I landed on my skull. I was unconscious for 9 days. I had to learn how to talk again. Like all for that first love of mine to leave as soon as I got out the hospital. All I had to talk to was myself. And that's just the beginning. I was suicidal then I'm suicidal now. I've lost every friend on my way here because they're fake liars back stabbers ect. My only friend Melanie Wade is who I could talk to. I used to watch her son and talk to her for days. She really understand me. She got shot in the head years ago. She was like my second mom. I talked and seen her more than my real mom. I ain't been the same since. My GMA and GPA knew I was gonna be homeless or kicked out of something when I was 16. They didn't let me stay at their house. Neither did my brother. The amount of times I've been beaten and thrown out this fucking house is an ungodly sin. And I don't want your fucking pity. The only reason I get to stay here now is cause I gave my mom a 75 thousand dollar check which I get 100 dollars a week of which she Hates to come up off of. which if I would have kept I bet you money id be dead. Ive moved out on my own with bfs and to drug houses like 5 times. 7th Street. Port republic. 10th St shout out to that nigga that gave me this fucking MRSA Gary lmao (this was the first house I was 16) scottsville. Norfolk. Like my first bf that was a mess. 4 years down the drain. IDK EHAT LOVE IS. 2nd bf my best friend at the time for years the only reason I dated that mfer is cause he would beg me for years so I figured id try. He ended up abusive. He ended up crazy. I ended up running out his house bleeding from stepping on the broken glass omw out walking from 7th to 250 near step-n-out. No phone. I got home cause that mfer came and got me and took me home no let him cause he promised I could go home. He used to refuse to let me leave. Throw me back into the house into the bedroom. Me and his son ooo malakii used to sleep and cuddle and rainy nights were the best with that amazing 5year old boy. Not that I know him anymore but whatever. Then we got that last one lmao wtf happened with that. Like fuck my life he told me I would see that none ofbthose mfers gaf about me and I guess I wanted to prove him wrong about a couple months ago when I lost all hope and I've became manically depressed I got a lisence plate that said, "told ya" like thanks. Soooo let's begiin on me being claimed by the KKK and forever fucking slave to some one or guy idk how it works tbh. Better than being sex trafficed right? I guess so. Like Garrette bar was the funniest and most loyal friend you could ask for and its a damn fucking shame he took his life over that fucking dumb whore cause she's the definition of vindictive and spiteful and evil. Hell yeah I love live blah blah blah loves you dillan I miss you. I should've ditched and went to hburg that nughtbeih you. Instead I've been having my hair pulled and legit hit and smacked around and screamed at by this mistake of a ex boyfriend John micheal which this should have been awarded with best human pickier me. Cause obviously I know how to pick the worse fucking ones cause up until today. I thought he loved me. I thought I could make it work. And tbh it was my last hope. He was my last hope and here we fucking are and fr I took 50 sleeping pills the other night and novlie he walked out on me and was clueless until he was dragging me around me bed by my hair and head calling me a bitch 2 days later for asking him "what he problem was now" in my sleep but he legit says I deserve it. He's called me a bitch twice today and oh yeah he pushed me off my bed into my closet which I like flew but anyway I smacked my head on the closet. And he watched me lay there for about an hour holding my head not saying a word. While he just got rude and acted like a douche. But then he picked me up off the floor and left me on the bed to tell me he was gonna leave me. Then I was ignoring him of course idk what to say cause obviously after forcing my hands off my ears while he screamed hateful shit into my ears 2xs he still grabbed me by my head and hair on my bed after throwing me ect and called me a bitch and told me about how his cousin is gonna come get him. So long story short I'm not trying to fix shit and he's laying on my floor saying he don't want me and blah blah blah long story short I wish I never fucking met the guy he popped my cherry. I hate myself for letting him docthisnto me if I could go back in time and never meet him. I would. I hate him. Up until today I swear I loved this mfer so much. Like I thought it was meant to be. Like omg if you don't want to be here anymore 😭 but I wish I was dead. But yeah but fr the way I let him treat me is disgraceful and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for allowing it and like I'm not sure if that isn't the only reason I stayed this long like I was trying to vouch for myself for chasing after a man 2xs my age who was clearly just getting more abusive and mean and shamelessly more selfish by the day. Anyway I don't know what you think of me and I don't give a fuck honestly cause your fucking retarded if you don't know who the fuck has put in so much work and gave up so much fucking of my entire fucking life for the credit and adoration I receive. And no I don't ever remember the bad times. I have so many compressed memories. Like dude getting teeth taken out and getting brutally beat up and bitten and raped like and almost trafficed but I escaped. Like but fr I don't have a bone in my fucking body that has I'll intent for anyone. Always look for the helpful way. Always help who needs to be helped. Always there for people. I'm a good fucking person. Probably better than you. And I'm no longer interested in the position I think I had. I give people clothes and feed them and take care of who needs it. I'm a 100% spectacular human being and I'd be a jealous fucking asshole too if I had half the fucking mind to be as cruel hateful mean and selfish as almost everyone else around me seems to have.

[waterlilyvioletfog]

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Eastwatch, A Summary, Warning: Full Spoilers. (You didn’t want to be spoiled? Well sorry, KAREN.)

Me: ... If Jaime doesn’t come back I’ll fucking murder you. 

Bronn: *bursts out of the water* 

Jaime: *bursts out of the water* 

Me: Oh thank god. 

Bronn: wHy ThE fUcK DiD yOu ChArGe A dRaGoN?!?!?!? 

Jaime: Because I’m an idiot sandwich with a metric fuckton of PTSD. 

Bronn: NO MORE CHARGING DRAGONS. You’re NOT allowed to die! That fucking dragon isn’t allowed to kill you! You’re not allowed to kill you! YOU ARE HARRY AND I AM VOLDEMORT AND ONLY I CAN KILL YOU. EVER. 

-Meanwhile, Dany has “KILL THE UNBELIEVERS” still on her to-do list- 

Dany: Yo. Ben D. Knee. 

Lannister Soldiers: *still confused as they recover from severe smoke inhalation* 

Drogon: DID MOMMY STUTTER? BEND THE FUCKING KNEE! 

Lannister Soldiers: *get it now* 

Randyll: I made my bed, I’ll lie in it until I die. 

Dany: Fair warning, I will munch on your bones. 

Tyrion: *seriously concerned* Well, I guess you could join the Night’s Watch! 

Randyll: Did I fucking stutter bitch? DANY NOT MY QUEEN 2K17! 

Dickon: No wait! I’m a good son! 

Tyrion: We’ve already exterminated the Freys and the Tyrells this season, we don’t need to kill the Tarlys, too! You’re even more inconsequential! Bend The Knee like a good boy! 

Dickon: DID I FUCKING STUTTER BITCH? I’M A GOOD SOOOOOOONNNNNN. 

Tyrion: I hate you so much. 

Dany: *murders Dickon and Ranyll via Drogon, though admittedly she looks very sad and disappointed in them while doing it, so wtf are Tyrion and Varys worried about? Jeez. Jon Snow wields a sword. Gendry Waters wields a war hammer. Dany wields her dragons. Fact. What, did you think she was gonna pull out Longclaw and use it on them? Nah bitch. Nah.* 

-Meanwhile, in King’s Landing- 

Jaime: We’re fucked. 

Cersei: WE HAVE GOLD THO! 

Jaime: WE’RE FUCKED. THIS GIRL HAS DRAGONS. 

Cersei: Well, Dany won’t just let us go. Tyrion might try and get a redemption arc for murdering Joffrey and dad, but- 

Jaime: Olenna Tyrell told me that she murdered Joff, not Tyrion. 

Cersei: ... Tyrion ... did ... not ... kill ... Joffrey? DOES NOT COMPUTE. 

Jaime: It computes, darling. It computes. 

Jaime: Also, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. 

Cersei: THEN I’LL GO DOWN SCREAMING AND FIGHTING BECAUSE I’M CERSEI LANNISTER AND I AM EXTRA. 

-Meanwhile, there is ever more fresh hot goss at Dragonstone High- 

Jon: *brooding on the edge of a cliff, cape flapping in the wind, looking sexier as a sad-faced zombie than most people do in their entire lives* 

Drogon: HAI. MOMMY SAYS THAT YOU’RE MY NEW DAD. WE SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE SOME FATHER-SON BONDING TIME.

Jon: *pats Drogon’s head softly and probably offers to take him to a Mets game* 

Drogon: *purring* *thinking* *oh hai targaryen, you can pet me, it’s okay*

Dany: I am both bewildered and extremely aroused.  

Dany: WELL, you passed the kids test. 

Dany: Also, are you a zombie-

Jorah: HAI HONEY I’M HOME, I CAME BACK, DON’T YOU LO- 

Jon: Who the fuck is this bitch? 

Dany: Jorah! *hugs for her sweet bear/ bro friend, who is, btw, like three times her age in the books just as a gentle reminder* 

Jorah: DANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hugs his WIFEY, who is, btw, like a third of his age in the books just as another gentle reminder* 

Jon: wHaT tHe FuCk iS hApPeNiNg?!?!?!?!?!? 

-Meanwhile, Bran has to do SOMETHING this episode- 

Bran: *wargs into like a bajillion ravens so we can have some TRULY gorgeous shots this episode* 

Night King: HAAAIIIII BITCHES I’M ON THE WAYYYYY!!!!!! 

Bran: Oh fuck. 

Bran: GUYS WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 

-Meanwhile, we didn’t see Sam last episode so time for Citadel drama!- 

Maesters: *refuse to believe in shit people keep telling them is real which they have no reason to believe is real* 

Sam: UGH! Stupid maesters! LISTEN TO WHAT WE’RE TELLING YOU. 

Maesters: Sam, we’re skeptics, we’re not going to listen, don’t be stupid. 

Sam: I HATE YOU ALL. 

Maesters: Well that seems a tad unreasonable. 

-Meanwhile, there is ever more drama at Dragonstone- 

Tyrion: *trying to rationalize his behavior* 

Varys: Like, I know dragons are her thing and “FIRE AND BLOOD” is also her thing but like I didn’t think she meant it literally. Also, stop trying to rationalize your behavior, it makes you sound stupid.  

Tyrion: Well, at least she’s not as bad as her dad. 

Tyrion: ... So what’s in the raven. 

Varys: It’s a sealed scroll for the KitN. 

Tyrion: ... And? 

Varys: Fair point. It says the world’s going to end. 

Jon: MY SIBLINGS ARE ALIVE, YES. Also we’re all gonna die. 

Jon: *turns to Dany* Bitch, I’m going home. 

Dany: BUT YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MEN! *internally screaming STAY STAY STAY* 

Jon: So give me some. 

Dany: Can’t do that. Cersei. 

Tyrion: Well, if we were to prove it to her she’d come north. We capture a wight, we can bring it south and show it to her. I can talk to Jaime, he can talk to Cersei, and boom! We have our proof. Davos can row me into KL. We just need someone to deal with the wildlings and acquire a wight.

Jorah: I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE. *screaming internally KHAAAALLLLLEEEESSSSIIIIIIII* 

Jon: *protective older brother instincts flair* *cockblocking instincts flair* The wildlings will never listen to you I WILL GO YES. 

Dany: YOU CAN’T GO, I’M HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE. *STAY STAY STAY*

Jon: Fuck you, I’m a king. *gives another inspiring speech about trusting strangers that makes Dany look REALLY small actually* I’M GOING.  

Dany: I hate you. But like, I also love you. 

-Meanwhile, in Winterfell, the showrunners are DICKS-  

Lords: WHERE IS JON. JON’S NOT HERE. CLEARLY WE WERE WRONG ABOUT ELECTING HIM AS LEADER. YOU SHOULD BE LEADER. 

Sansa: NERP. JON’S KING. DAT’S DA WAY IT IS. IN THIS HOUSE WE RESPECT JON SNOW. (except she said it politely and in such a way that contextless Arya and anti-Sansas can bitch about her plotting) 

Sansa: I did warn Jon. *sighs*

Arya: Those sons of bitches, plotting against Jon! We should cut off their heads! Not sit and listen politely! 

Sansa: Watching this show for six seasons has taught me one thing: beheading people who give you support because they dissented is a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA. Being polite to everyone means that nobody hates you and you don’t get red-wedding-ed. 

Arya: AHAH! I KNEW IT! You’re plotting against Jon, too! 

Sansa: Oh for Christ’s sake. Just go away and let me nurse my chamomile tea as I do actual work to help defend the North. 

-Meanwhile we have a quick trip to KL before we can go on our wight hunt- 

Jaime: *being a reasonable general* 

Bronn: Nope. You have too much family drama for any of that right now. 

Tyrion: Hi Jaime. Long time no see. 

Bronn: ... gonna step slowly away now... 

Jaime: You killed Dad. I hate you. 

Tyrion: That’s reasonable. But we do need to talk. Dany’s gonna win the war and you know it. 

Jaime: Cersei will never kneel. 

Tyrion: She doesn’t need to. We can have an armistice [you who don’t know what that is, it’s a cease-fire. It means I don’t like you and you don’t like me but we’re not allowed to fight because of reasons.] as long as she listens to us and doesn’t murder Jon.

Gendry: *exactly where we met him. huh. would’ve thought he was still rowing* 

Davos: Hi. 

Gendry: HAI DAVOS. YOU’RE HERE FOR A REASON. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. 

Davos: But it’s dangerous- 

Gendry: I’VE BEEN GONE FOR FOUR SEASONS. I’M READY. I AM SOOO DONE WITH KING’S LANDING YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. I HATE THE LANNISTERS. THEY KILLED DAD. [that’s kinda ooc of you to gaf gendry but ok] THEY TRIED TO KILL ME. 

Davos: Fine. Grab a sword. 

Gendry: Bitch, do I look like a fancy-ass knight to you? I’m a blacksmith, and a Baratheon. I’m using a goddamn hammer. 

Davos: *sighs* Kids these days. So fucking EXTRA. 

Davos: Okay, but don’t tell anyone Robert Baratheon was your dad. 

Trouble: *proceeds to appear in the form of gold cloaks, but Davos pays them off to shut up and then Tyrion turns up so Gendry smashes their brains in and we’re all just like “damn Gendry.”* 

Qyburn and Cersei: *plotting* 

Jaime: Hi. I just talked to Tyrion. 

Cersei: ...okay? 

Jaime: Dany wants an armistice. Because zombies are on the way. And apparently soon they’ll have proof for us. 

Cersei: Huh. Didn’t expect the conversation to be that but okay. 

Jaime: ??? 

Cersei: Oh sweetie. I know everything.  

Jaime: ?!?!?! 

Cersei: I want to talk to her. It’s in our immediate interest to have her leave us alone. But in the meantime, you should know that Imma kill everything in our way. Because I’M PREGNANT, Y’ALL!!! 

Jaime: ... am I the father? 

Cersei: Yup! AND we won’t hide it. 

Jaime: That’s a stupid idea. 

Cersei: DADDY TOLD US TO IGNORE THE BULLIES AND CRUSH OUR ENEMIES TO DUST 

Jaime: Fair point. *hugs Cersei* 

Cersei: *smiles and hugs back* Oh and don’t ever betray me again. 

Jaime: *thinking* *oh that’s riiiight, I fucked a crazy person* 

-Meanwhile, as always, there is drama on Dragonstone- 

Davos: DON’T TELL ANYONE THAT ROBERT BARATHEON WAS YOUR DAD. YOUR NAME IS CLOVIS.YOU’RE A SMITH. YOU’RE JUST HERE TO BE POLITE UNTIL YOU GO BE THE SMITH IN WINTERFELL. 

Gendry: Got it. 

Gendry: HAI JON SNOW. I’M GENDRY WATERZ AND I’M BOBBY B’S ILLEGITIMATE KID AND I’M HERE TO HELP YOU FUCK SHIT UP IN THE FAR NORTH. OUR DADS WERE BROS. WE CAN BE BROS TOO. 

Jon: ... You know how to wield a sword? 

Gendry: Nah. I wield a hammer. And I’m a badass. 

Jon: ... okay. 

Davos: Nobody mind me. All I’ve ever done is be the best person in existence and outlive literally everyone. Like, dude, I’m by far the oldest dude on this show. 

Tyrion: Bye Jorah. I missed you. Not even Grey Worm can glower quite as well as you. Though Jon Snow has you beat in the brooding sadface category. 

Dany: Good bye. 

Jorah: Bye Dany. *kisses her hand and walks away because he sees Jon and knows he has to prove something* 

Jon: Well. At least you won’t have to deal with me anymore if I die. 

Dany: Pls don’t die. I want your babies. 

Jon: ... okay. I’m still not your boyfriend though. *gives the trademarked goodbye which certified badasses give to people they respect* 

-Meanwhile we need to reveal important exposition- 

Gilly: *dithering on about boring ass shit* 

Sam: *annoyed at her dithering on and also at the maesters and also at everything ever in the entire world* 

Gilly: Oh, what does “annulment” mean? 

Sam: It means a divorce. 

Gilly: Huh. Says here that some Prince “Ragger” was given a divorce by the dude who wrote this book so that he could marry someone else in a secret ceremony in Dorne- 

Sam: *EXPLODES IN RAGE at Gilly because he’s annoyed even though she didn’t do anything wrong* THAT’S IT. WE’RE LEAVING. THE MAESTERS ARE TOO STUPID TO BE AROUND. 

Gilly: ... Okay? 

Sam: *steals some extra books* *grabs Gilly* *grabs little Sam* *steals a horse I think????* *leaves because he’s BORED* 

Gilly: You’re not gonna fulfill your life-long dream? 

Sam: NOPE. 

Gilly: Well that’s sad, but we’ll go with it. 

-Meanwhile Arya vs. Littlefinger is on- 

Arya and Littlefinger: *attempt to out-sneak one another* 

Littlefinger: *OUT-SNEAKS ARYA?!?!* 

Me: wtf I hate everyone and everything, stop it. 

-Meanwhile, we have a new location! EASTWATCH-BY-THE-SEA- 

Tormund: We’re fucked. 

Jon: Indeed. 

Thoros, Beric, and Sandor: HAI can we all go on this suicide mission together? 

Suicide Squad: *establish that they all’ve got beef with each other* 

Jon: Well screw that. We’re all alive, which means that we’re all in this together. 

Suicide Squad: *walk out into the snow together, looking so fucking badass and I’m so excited!!!!!!*

[stompsite]

Im-prey-ssions

So, I started Prey 2017 up around midnight last night. Eleven hours later, I had to stop playing because I needed sleep. The only reason I’m not playing Prey 2017 right now is because I promised you I’d blog once a week, every week, and since I was busy apartment hunting, playing Prey 2017, and going to the hospital.* I still feel awful; I need several treatments, not one every six months, but dang it, I told you guys I’d write something this week, and I’m gonna do it, even if it’s just one draft. Then I’m going to go play more Prey 2017.

So, right off the bat, this game’s like a 9/10.

Like, if that’s what you want to know, there you go. I love playing this game. Now to get into the nitty gritty. I’ll be talkin a lot about positives and negatives, and I’m trying to be somewhat comprehensive. Just bear in mind: from what I’ve played so far, I like it as much as Dishonored 2 and Doom, my favorite games of last year. It’s Extremely Good.

As some of you may be aware, I really did not like Prey 2017’s demo. There are a few reasons for that, chiefly the fact that I desperately needed to go to the hospital. Literally everything was irritating me and getting under my skin. Everything. This includes Prey 2017’s melee system. Now, let me be clear here: I don’t like the melee system. I didn’t like it in Dead Island, and I don’t like it here. But the melee system is a small part of a huge game, and I happen to enjoy that game a whole heck of a lot.

Would the game be better without a stamina bar? Yes. Absolutely. 100%. The stamina bar adds nothing but annoyance to the game. It does not benefit Prey 2017’s design in any way. If they patched out the stamina system tomorrow, Prey 2017 would only benefit.

So, after the demo, I was pretty worried.

Now, something like 10 hours in: this game is a delight. I love how the station feels persistent; leave a room, come back later, find all the bits you moved right where you left them. It’s WONDERFUL!

The level design overall is Extremely Good Stuff. So far, my favorite level is Psychotronics. It feels the most reminiscent of System Shock 2, and it has two of the my favorite moments in the game so far, which I won’t spoil here. There’s an area above two big metal pods I’m still trying to figure out how to access, so I’ve got reasons to go back.

The Arboretum is fantastic. Crew quarters are ace. On and on I could go; I like every single level in this game with the sole exception of G.U.T.S., which is a long tube with zero gravity and some annoying enemies with it. Zero G outside of the station is super cool. Zero G in G.U.T.S. isn’t my thing. As a System Shock 2 comparison, G.U.T.S. is The Body of The Many. But this is one level out of like... a dozen, and as far as I can tell, you don’t have to use it again once you unlock the elevator. 

One of the coolest features of Prey 2017, which I hope everyone copies in the future, because it’s great, is the crew tracking feature. Everyone who dies leaves a corpse behind. You can use computers to pick a person to track, then find their corpse. Doing so can net you things like key cards and supplies, which opens up more of the station, allowing you to explore.

There are two kinds of Looking Glass fans, those who prefer Thief and those who prefer System Shock. I’m one of the fans who prefers System Shock; I enjoy exploring more than sneaking. It’s why I prefer S.T.A.L.K.E.R. to System Shock. It’s why I’m enjoying Prey 2017 so much. Finding a keycard and having that ‘oh yeah, I remember where that is!’ moment, going back to that spot, and finally getting to open a locked door you’ve been keeping in the back of your mind for the past few hours... it’s a great feeling. 

One of the issues I had with Bioshock is that you rarely had a reason to navigate Rapture. Bioshock 2, my favorite game in that series, went in the opposite direction, turning into a series of linear sandbox maps, like Thief. Dishonored and Dishonored 2 do the linear sandbox thing too. It’s perfectly fine design, but I’ve been hungry for a game world that I really felt like exploring.

Prey 2017 is the first truly satisfying game world I have explored since S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky in 2008. The entire thing is open, you just have to find the right keys and hack the right doors and lift the right crates. It’s a game that rewards exploration, not with a “+100 XP: Crawled a vent” popup, but because as you explore, you get this really satisfying sense of “oh, this goes here, and that goes there, and it all works like this...”

Prey 2017 satisfies my exploration itch. You have no idea. It’s why I didn’t want to stop playing until I physically couldn’t play anymore. The only games that have held my attention so strongly in the past few years were Dishonored 2, Doom, Metal Gear Solid V, and Mad Max.

The symbiotic relationship between “hunt for crewmembers” and the station’s many locked doors creates this insatiable urge to explore. I love it.

Do I have complaints? Yes. The stamina system doesn’t benefit the game. G.U.T.S. isn’t fun to explore or traverse. The dudes who stop you from moving are just Not At All Fun To Encounter. The combat is something where I sigh and go “oh well, here I go again.” Great combat should be emotional combat; there should be highs and lows, a great rhythm, elation and relief in victory.

It’s not like a great stealth game, where you don’t want to enter combat because stealthing is more satisfying. It’s not like System Shock 2, Alien: Isolation, or STALKER, where combat can be thrilling and terrifying in equal measure, due to player vulnerability. It’s... just kinda there. It’s easily the game’s greatest weakness.

Prey 2017’s combat is annoying. The enemies feel samey (they’re all fast, teleporty, and take a bunch of shotgun damage before they die) and are way too visually consistent to be exciting. If you look at System Shock 2′s enemies, there’s a lot more interesting visual variety in the designs, which makes the experience more enjoyable. There was a lot more tactical/strategic depth in System Shock 2 as well.

Fortunately, you spend far more time exploring than you do anything else. It’s so effin good, man. Like... I’m over here writing about Prey 2017, when all I really want to do is go hop back in Prey’s world and explore Talos I some more. The level designers outdid themselves.

Even fundamental, basic stuff like mantling and crouching feels super good to do. The game world is just a joy to exist and interact in when you’re not fighting dudes. The only problem I have with the game world is that certain areas (especially the maintenance/labs area) have really predictable enemy spawns, which makes the world feel a lot less ‘real’ than it might otherwise.

Basically, I like the game. I like it a lot. I like it better than every game that has come out so far in 2017. It’s right up there with Dishonored 2 (which I adored) for me. It’s engrossing, thrilling, and awesome.

With some better combat and enemy design/spawning, Prey would be as close to perfect as a game can get. If my opinions change significantly as I continue the experience, I’ll probably right a review. If I was the scoring type, it would be an easy 9/10 for me.

So, one last thing: the default settings are a bit strange.

Change mouse sensitivity to 50, turn off Damage Numbers, rebind ‘tab’ to inventory, and bind your mouse wheel to weapon changes. It’ll feel a lot better. It’s still kind of weird to navigate menus (you can’t use the scroll wheel to scroll down lists?), and for some reason, moving your mouse moves your ENTIRE CAMERA when reading computers (compare this with Doom 3′s more satisfying implementation of computer screens). Sometimes, clicking works, other times, you have to press F, and sometimes, you have to press G. It’s kind of strange. It makes sense to use G to, like, repair items in the world, but less sense to use G on a menu where it seems like F or Mouseclick will do. 

The game has a ton of these weird little UX issues that, if tweaked, would significantly improve the game. I wish they’d been caught prior to release, but I hope they get patched.

There’s no FOV slider, but that should be coming soon. For some reason, the intro videos are unskippable. You can’t click through them or anything. You can, however, turn them off by editing your game files.

I do have Extremely Negative Impressions about how the game’s been handled, though. You see, I like Prey. That’s the Real Prey, the 2006 FPS Prey. The one with Blue Oyster Cult and Art Bell. I liked that Prey a lot. If you install Prey 2017, and you have Prey installed, 2017 will be installed in Prey’s directory. It’s frustrating.

It’s also frustrating that the game is named Prey at all; did we really have to lose the original game on Steam for THIS? Did the sequel really get canned for us to play this? I can take Prey 2017 on its own merits, and it’s a great game, but the way Human Head was treated, and the way the original game is being treated leave a really bad taste in my mouth. I love Arkane. I love Bethesda. I don’t like how the whole “Prey” situation has been handled. They could have given this game so many names and avoided the problem entirely.

The Prey for the Gods Situation is really bad. Some Bethesda PR dude said somethin on GAF about “we have to protect our trademark,” but that appears to be untrue. Here’s CDPR talking about that very subject. So it seems like folks at Bethesda are being dishonest, and that really rubs me the wrong way.

It sucks that a game I’m loving right now is associated with so many negative things.

Overall, best game I’ve played since Dishonored 2, appeals to my personal sensibilities a lot more, I don’t really like the combat so I try to avoid it as much as possible, I love this world so dang much.

*I was in the hospital because of my illness.

[theboardwalkbody]

47, 42, 37?

37. What’s your relationship with religion like?

The short version: Complicated

The long version: I was brought up Roman Catholic at my paternal sides VEHEMENCE. The same forcefulness that forced a Jewish woman to convert and baptize her children unless she force them and herself to face ridicule their entire lives at the hand of their own family members. My mom, a Methodist, was never too religious and mostly celebrated the Major Holidays and called it a day. The Roman Catholic side ALSO celebrated the Major Holy Days (added Ash Wednesday and Palm Sunday) but were never the ‘grace before meals and church every Sunday variety’. But for some reason the ALIGNMENT or DESIGNATION of Roman Catholic was/is a DEFINING CHARACTER TRAIT. This I do not understand. Anyway - my mom refused to convert despite their protests.

Still - I attended a Christian Pre-school (location was a factor) and before/after classes we would say the Our Father. I was baptized as Catholic, I was enrolled in CCD (I still have no idea what that stands for) and attended every Sunday during the school year. I made my Holy Communion and my Confirmation. My mom picked out Cecilia (saint of music) for my Confirmation name because of how much I liked music. My sponsor (the person who is with you when you make your confirmation and is ‘responsible for guiding you to jesus’ or something) was one of my Aunts. I was my sister’s sponsor for her confirmation as at the time my parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce and my mom did not want my dad or his family to be there (as a huge FUCK YOU because THEY are the Catholics) and because my mom and her family are Methodist they can not be sponsors. So I was the only option. 

But what does this mean? I have no idea. 

1. I hardly understand any of my own religion. I don’t know the difference between Catholic and Christian. Why are fucking FB notifications popping up on my computer all of a sudden I did not authorize this what the fuck. I learned NOTHING in CCD despite the fact I was SUPPOSED to be taught about the Saints and the various religious texts. I never paid attention because I was bored the fuck out of my mind. I never really cared.

2. But I was scared. Catholicism, in my own personal experience, is based on FEAR a lot. NEVER DO THIS AND NEVER DO THAT BECAUSE YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200.00. I have been to church only when FORCED for someone’s baptism or communion or confirmation (or my own) or marriage. Here’s the three things you experience in church: a) lovely music that is kind of warming to the soul, b) SINNERS GO TO HELL c) your family members yelling at you to sit still, be quiet, do not embarrass us, be a perfect little angel all while you are UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK in a starchy dress because apparently when you go to church you need to be dressed like you’re about to meet God himself.

I was always scared I would go to Hell for one thing or another growing up: swearing, lying, stealing an eraser from a classmates desk in 2nd grade and feeling guilty so ditching it in a different classmates desk a few feet away, and masturbating. LOL During your confirmation you’re supposed to go into a confession box and confess all your sins so you can start your Confirmed Life free of sin - I didn’t tell the priest about my masturbating and when he asked “is that all you have to confess?” I said yes. So I started my Confirmed Life with two sins: a) chronic masturbating, and b) I fucking lied to a priest. So I assume I am going to Hell in a hand-basket. 

I was fortunate enough to be invited to a synagogue a few times by a friend. I remember I was TERRIFIED the first time I went. I assumed, due to ignorance and my only experience thus far, that I would be yelled at and dammed - the norm at church. I tagged along anyway, to make my friend happy, and borrowed some clothes to attend (black skirt and shoes, white shirt). I was even more scared after learning there was an even stricter dress code than Church. As I sat there, trying to understand the words the rabbi was saying for a SOLID TWENTY MINUTES before leaning over and asking my friend “wait - is he speaking English?” only to have her look at me with WTF written all over her face and reply “no....”, I was so paranoid I’d be “found out”. What I mean is - I felt like an Outsider. Like I was Intruding. Like I had “Catholic” stamped all over my forehead and everyone could see it clear as day and that someone, eventually, would stand up and shout at me to leave and curse me for desecrating a holy place with my presence. None of that happened, naturally, but when my friend and her family went to the rabbi after the service to discuss with him plans for her bat mitzvah I was shaking with fear because HE’S LIKE IN CHARGE AND WE’RE TALKING TO HIM AND HE’S DEF GOING TO KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. Anyway - I was never kicked out, I went back a few more times and the anxiety went away. My mom was like ‘that’s cool - it’s a new experience’ and when my GRANDMOTHER found out... well, she flipped. “DO YOU STILL LOVE JESUS? YOU’RE GOING TO GO TO HELL IF YOU EVER GO BACK THERE. YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH TOMORROW. YOU NEED TO BEG JESUS FORGIVENESS”. I went back a few more times and just didn’t tell her. 

I think I actually liked it better than Church. 

And other side note: whenever Jewish people happen to ask me my religion (not often but it has happened a few times working in the hospital and once during nursing school) I always feel really bad about telling them I am Catholic. I become ashamed and feel like I need to apologize. I never quite understood that, until I met a Jewish Classmate who explained that “all the Catholic’s I have met in the past have been really antisemitic”. And then I remembered my grandmothers treatment of Jewish people, including my aunt and cousins - her own grandchildren - and I realized. I feel like I owe everyone an apology on behalf of people like my grandmother.

3. Here’s my Adult Feelings. I don’t have a problem with religion. Any of them. I also don’t have a problem with anyone’s lack of religion. As long as you’re NOT AN ASSHOLE then you and I are good. I don’t go to church - I don’t care to. I do not want a religious wedding ceremony. I will PROBABLY baptize my children (unless perhaps I go the route of my uncle and marry outside of my religion in which I will allow my children to get older and DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES what they would like to do/which religion they want IF ANY - this was what my aunt and uncle wanted to do before my grandma and some other family members got involved). I will teach my children what I know - Jesus is a dude I guess - here’s easter and christmas and here’s your presents. But it’s never going to be a Big Deal. Because it’s not a Big Deal to me. 

4. Why It’s Complicated. Do I believe that God exists? I want to say yes, but I know I say it out of FEAR. I believe “I may not go to church, and I may curse like a sailor and masturbate like my fucking health depends on it, but fuck - I know I am a morally sound person and God knows this, too, therefore He can judge me in the way I conduct myself with other human beings. I don’t need to get on my knees and send him postcards for him to know I’m Good™.” However - recently I’ve had some Jesse Custer level moments of “God, I am reaching out and I really need some fucking help here” only to be met with NOTHING in response. I prayed during my Nursing School Grade Appeal meeting. Just praying for ANYTHING so I could get back into the program. What happened? Reality happened - I did NOT get back into that program. In that moment I thought: That’s it - there is no God at least not one who GAF about me. I cried harder.This month I went to a University to try and get into their nursing program. Upon arriving at my meeting I was told I had been misinformed and the school did NOT offer a Nursing Program. As I waited for the woman at the desk to grab the advisor anyway to discuss options I tried praying again - just for things to work out. They didn’t and I got angry - Of course they didn’t work, I thought, because it’s all a bunch of Bullshit.

SO yeah - it’s complicated. I verge on “It’s all bullshit” after spending about 10yrs thinking “well MAYBE it’s not - maybe it’s real - but I’ll be judged on my treatment of others, not on my practice of going to church and shit”. And even still all of it was based on FEAR. Also the sky outside has gone from green to red. What a storm.

42. What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?

I am afraid that I am capable of fucking my entire life up. In two ways: 

1. Suicide2. Self-Sabotage. 

In terms of Issue 1 - I have gotten close with a lot of thoughts in the past. Three times I almost actually carried through with it. Twice spontaneously, and once was a “if no one answers my next phone call for help I am going to just give up and go swallow all those pills”. Someone did answer that phone. I called 5 people because I think deep down I didn’t want to give up, but every phone call that went unanswered I got closer and closer to ending it. My stepbrother answered call #5 on what I am almost convinced was one of the last rings. In the past I maybe had something to stop me - something saying ‘you need to live because XYZ needs you or because you need to ABC’. I’ve got none of that left anymore.

In terms of Issue 2 - I talked about it a little the other day, but my therapist isn’t wrong in regards to the fact that all my behaviors are destroying myself. I complain about being broke and yet I spend every dollar I have on garbage and food. I complain that I am unattractive and overweight and yet I continuously eat nothing but fast food and go out to restaurants by myself. I am out of shape and have high cholesterol, I continue to sit on my ass and shove fried food in my mouth. I want to get back into Nursing School but I spent all summer moping about not being in Nursing School and Having No Money and Being Depressed that I made 0 fucking effort to get back INTO it. I want to be hired as a nurse for the company I work for and yet I call out of work constantly and now have gotten FUCKING IN TROUBLE for it. It’s like I have two lists in my head. Good Wants (nursing career, weight loss, health increase) and Bad Wants (immediate satisfaction: clothes, food, vacations, etc.) and the ONLY wants I give into are the BAD ones. 

Yes, it’s hard - I’ve got the Anxiety and the Depression. I have no motivation, think everything is pointless, and have 0 hope for the future. 

But I am also lazy and impulsive and both of those things need to stop. I have coddled myself all summer and said it was OK to lay down and Give Up. Hell, LAST NIGHT I laid in bed and thought “but what if I did just give up? what if I quit my job, stopped going to school, and just decided to lay down in bed and never move again. I could be 800lbs and shit myself and then probably go to jail for never paying any of my bills - maybe I could say I’m insane and be locked up in a psych facility for the rest of my life - I could go through the motions of just existing every day.”. Of course it isn’t what I WANT with my life - I want to LIVE it and I want to be HAPPY - but this is the way I function anymore. 

I am single-handedly destroying my OWN life. And that I KNOW I am capable of now.

47. Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you?

I understand this to mean “take blame for you” and not “have you ever pushed someone down” but yes - I have actually pushed someone and they fell down. I shoved a friend of mine back when we were like 14 and he tripped over a log behind him and fell on his ass. He was very upset and didn’t want to talk to me for a bit until I apologized. I feel bad now because I know what inspired the push and it was REALLY SHITTY of me to do it. But yeah.

Anyway - the real question: The only thing I can remember is that time I stole that eraser from my classmates desk back in second grade but then I felt guilty (and also knew that they would recognize the eraser as theirs if I took it out) and ditched it in a different classmates desk. 

My logic there was: they wont think it was me because they’ll see it in THEIR desk and not MY desk and they will thing THAT PERSON stole it and get mad at THEM instead of me because they won’t know I did it. I honestly don’t remember the outcome of it. But I don’t think anything happened. I think, if I remember correctly, the person pulled it out of their desk and was like “how did this get in my desk” and handed it back to the proper owner and said “i found your eraser in my desk I don’t know how it got there, but here you can have it back” and the owner said “ok thanks”. and it was 100% not a big deal because they were both confused as fuck.

I KNOW I GET REALLY IN-DEPTH WITH THESE I AM SORRY BUT DO PLEASE ASK MORE.

[janiedean]

Honestly, I would like to hear you rant about Brienne's s5 storyline and her killing Stannis. It felt weird to me that in the book there's this whole thing with Lady Stoneheart wanting revenge and using Brienne as a tool to to try and get it tho she probably won't get it, and then in the show it's Brienne still seeking revenge for Renly and actually getting it. Like there's a "revenge isn't actually a good thing" theme that got lost along the way.

... lmao.

well okay this is not for renly fans so just so you know, you’re warned.

now.

I don’t have.... like, anything specific against renly nor I think he’s a Bad Person which is why in modern aus I just let him be his best version, but.. canon renly Is An Asshole when it concerns his brother, his niece and brienne and that’s A Thing because like sorry but skipping succession ‘because no one likes you but they like me’ is not a good reason to do anything, ‘my niece is so ugly ew grayscale’ is just bottom level of being... let’s just say vapid, and it’s canon that the reason he keeps brienne around is not that he cares about her, it’s because he knows she’s good at what she does and doesn’t want nothing in return and actually would die for him, which........

considering that brienne would have died for renly because he was nice to her once and danced with her which is like bare minimum for decent human being, sorry if I side-eye this narrative that renly believed in her etc because sorry guys renly in asoiaf canon didn’t give a single fuck about that;

specifically, when it comes to brienne renly is that one crush you get at some point that you’re in love with the idea of, not with the person they actually are, and as someone wise said on some post once, brienne thought she would die for him and didn’t and didn’t know she could die for jaime but she immediately knew when she had the choice, so I think that just seals it, but ahead with that...

affc is also about brienne getting over renly because she was in love with the idea of renly, not with renly himself, never mind that renly wasn’t in love with her anyway and could have never been. like, all of her affc povs are about that. she thinks about him less and less, she superimposes jaime on him like ffs when she’s naked in the bath she has to MAKE HERSELF THINK ABOUT RENLY, at some point she dreams of renly’s death except it’s jaime in his place, then jaime puts renly’s cloak on her shoulders and at the end of it when she has that dream which is sort of very similar to jaime’s in asos where he sees people he thinks he disappointed and she sees renly and cat.... well. it’s because she thinks she disappointed them, or that she failed them, but she’s plain not in love with him (or his idea of) anymore;

now, she also swore to cat she’d kill stannis in revenge for him... and she’s never so much as thought about it. ffs there is ONE single instance of brienne thinking about stannis in affc. THIS ONE:He shrugged. "Sometimes. At tourneys, from afar. Once at Baelor's Sept. The gold cloaks shoved us aside so he could pass. Another time I was playing near the Mud Gate when he come back from a hunt. He was so drunk he almost rode me down. A big fat sot, he was, but a better king than these sons of his."They are not his sons. Stannis told it true, that day he met with Renly. Joffrey and Tommen were never Robert's sons. This boy, though . . . "Listen to me," Brienne began. Then she heard Dog barking, loud and frantic. "Someone is coming."IT’S WHEN SHE RECOGNIZES THAT GENDRY IS ROBERT’S SON AND THAT STANNIS WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID TOMMEN AND MYRCELLA WEREN’T HIS. that’s it. that’s all brienne has to think about stannis in affc. she doesn’t think about killing him once.guess why? because meanwhile she’s found better things to think about and she doesn’t feel the need to avenge renly as much as she feels the need to fulfill her vow to catelyn and jaime and she’s fucking over renly and she has realizes at least subconsciously that guess what she didn’t want to die for him;

the entire point was that she is over her crush on a guy who might have been decent to her though it was the bare minimum anyone should have shown her but who didn’t give two shits about her personally and that she thought she could and would die for, and sorry if being willing to die for someone because he danced with you isn’t healthy as much as people don’t want to accept the fact that brienne has Issues with the capital I;

therefore, the moment the show dragged her north FOR RENLY and OMG I HAVE TO KILL STANNIS FOR RENLY before getting her stuck watching a tower for a season for that crap joke of a winterfell storyline and don’t get me started on how they made brienne’s sl secondary to sansa for three seasons when surely her point in her narrative is not that ita) ignored that brienne had a character arc that included getting over renlyb) elevated renly to sainthood (forget saint tyrion) because it implied that yes he was that nice dancing with her so yes he deserves her avenging his death when sorry but what the fucking fuck he just paid her the bare minimum it didn’t mean she should have joined his army for it or that she should avenge him for having being a decent person oncec) made it look like renly actually gave a shit about her for real when lmao nod) trashed lady stoneheart when as you said they lost the REVENGE IS A BAD IDEA theme and all that she brought with bc stoneheart is fundamental for both jaime and brienne as characters but hey let’s just stick brienne serving other people without a personal storyline and let’s not let jaime have his arc because what the fuck amritee) missed all of the themes in her affc arc because where was meribald? where was the anti-war message? where was the fact that brienne is a vulnerable person with doubts? we saw none of that shit except oMG SHE KILLED STANNIS BADASSSSS. yeah, no. character assassination my old friend here we are;

now, specifically re stannis: what angers me on a molecular level in that choice, not counting the fact that never in my life I ever want to see character #1 I relate to in a series (and period) kill character #2 I relate to in that same series without any goddamned reason to do that but that’s personal is that....... since brienne doesn’t give a fuck about avenging renly anymore in the book it’s very likely that if she and stannis meet again they might actually like talk about things and now I’mma give you the other hot take of the year....

... which is that I would like it if people saw that actually if brienne were to get along with one baratheon brother, she and stannis would have a lot more chances to hit off than she and renly ever could have because sorry but:a) they’re both introverts with huge issues communicating with others who also have been treated like shit for their entire lives based on people judging them before they opened their mouthb) as much as brienne isn’t THAT hard on it she has a sense of justice that he’d definitely appreciatec) if we assume that a guy with a daughter with grayscale whom renly also referred to as ‘that ugly daughter of his’ who is considered disfigured by everyone who still treats her like his only heir and doesn’t gaf about her looks would give two shits about brienne’s looks and not about her skills instead then we assume wrong nvm that stannis has a hand who used to be an illiterate commoner and melisandre used to be a slave like.... come on he’d definitely treat her with respect and not just because he needs herd) reverse, if she saw how he is with his daughter thaaat might remind her of her father not having forced her to marry eventually and agreeing to let her join renly/learn swordfighting instead I mean... come one) never mind that as stated before both of them are way more similar when it comes to take your vows seriously than notlike........... okay but with these premises if they meet when they need all the men they can spare to fight the white walkers I’d presume they will actually talk about renly’s death and get an understanding, not that she’ll take out a sword and impale him there especially if it’s post lady stoneheart which is the point in her sl where she 100% understands you can’t follow all of your vows and you will have to choose at some point (btw she chose jaime already over stoneheart and we all know it bye)...

which means that having her kill him in the show after a thing they made happen from 0 to 180 just to make him look irredeemable, for renly when brienne doesn’t gaf in the books anymore and reinforcing this - excuse me - bullshit narrative of saint renly who was the ideal king and never did anything wrong except trying to pass over stannis who was ahead of him in the line and further creating drama in that damned war because his brother didn’t happen to be immediately likable (nvm that I have issues with the fact that renly doesn’t even seem to remember having been at storm’s end during the siege which means that stannis made sure he actually had to eat while everyone else was starting to consider cannibalism but hey who cares that my brother almost died and never let me starve with the entirety of the castle I’ll now go and stab him in the back because NAAAH WHY SHOULD I SUPPORT HIM? sorry but what the fucking fuck) while stannis was an asshole who eventually got what he deserved because he wasn’t fun amrite will never not irk me to a molecular level because that wasn’t brienne’s storyline anymore and it hasn’t been since asos, the renly vs stannis situation is way more complicated than renly was nice and stannis was an asshole, stannis is nowhere near the piece of cardboard dnd think he is and the fact that both characters didn’t move on from their renly-related trauma but that it went down in the cheapest most ooc way ever should have woken people up about how dnd couldn’t be trusted for shit with these books if the WF adaptation of the adwd storyline hadn’t showed that already.

tldr: it was ooc and an insult to both characters and also can we stop with the saint renly narrative, thanks.