#this probably goes for many other major surgeries too but a lot of people seem to struggle w it more post hysterectomy

[wildfangz]

I also want to post more but I'm still recovering from surgery and unfortunately neurodivergence requires I must microdose on my simming especially at this time otherwise its too dangerous. Might have pulled an all nighter + all dayer a few days ago jumping back and forth between tweaking sims and nsb writing and some builds and ohhh my body did not like that .

[als145]

Alrightyyy everyone! Today is the second SCI post of this month

-to give everyone fair warning on the decrepit jokes I'm about to drop, I wanted to say this is funny to me, and in fact, I like writing horrendous thoughts on my body/my view. I'm not expecting you to laugh and cackle at the jokes I may or may not crack during this post but I do expect you to read this as most of it is educational. Alright now on to the post.

It's September 7th, meaning it is my second post of this month. Many people are probably thinking of God. This will be another lengthy post, and yes, they are absolutely right, but the main reason why I want to spread awareness of this is because it is a big thing! It is Spinal Cord Injury Awareness Month! This means those of us who are in the SCI community get a whole month to celebrate our worth and look back on all the things we have overcome.

The main thing I want to talk about is our bodies. And many people are wondering why. Everyone's body is different and beautiful, and yes, absolutely everyone is beautiful, but I at least want to remark on what a spinal cord injury could do to our body, specifically mine, as I can handle criticism and like my unseen jokes about my body. (Please don't take this as criticism)

When you look at me you may see the limp shriveled little ball that I am. My arms are twigs, my hands are like the claws of a dinosaur, and my shoulders/my back dare to follow the six feet-distancing rule (Whoa! Was that too much? I'll stop), but you might just see an Atrophied ball of mess. And there's nothing wrong with that, let me explain.

As a tiny child, I always looked different than my regular peers my knees would bend inward because of my cerebral palsy and I would have to use different medical equipment to get around the classroom while my other peers would be able to now I wouldn't bash them but I would look at myself worth and myself differently which was not a good look considering disabled people can live a wonderful happy life. It got so bad at 13 years old that I tried my first out of two suicidal attempts. My second one was at the age of 15. It took such a toll on my mental health on how and what I looked like in other people's eyes but when I got my coma or my injury my body had completely changed my wrist atrophied to a point of no recovery my knees were nowhere near normal and my back had curved so bad because of scoliosis and because of that I needed a spinal fusion at 35 years old to repair the damage and my body strength plummeted to almost nothing. Obviously, this is my new normal now, and it doesn't affect me as much as it did.

But I or we must talk about the vast changes a spinal cord injury can have on your body. I'll share an example: one of my friends who was formally able-bodied was recently injured on October 24th, 2023, and this had a major effect on his body and his mindset. Let me explain. Donny formally was a Wrestler and a bodybuilder. during his 56-day coma, his muscles suffered a lot of atrophy. He had many surgeries to try and repair what he had lost, he has many scars from what the damage had done to him, and he's still trying every day to work hard and regain something! And he is almost 1 year in.

This goes to show that people's body changes with a SCI, although it may seem hard, and it will be hard. But it is important that you love your body and work with what you have. I wanted to talk about this because it was really hard for me to accept my body and what I have been through but I have accepted it and often make humorous jokes about my body since that's my way of coping.

Many people will have a difficult time accepting this new normal, but I promise you it will get better, and you will work yourself into your new *still just as fabulous* body. Go out and stroll through the world. Keep your head up. And most importantly don't give up. Repeat after me, don't give up.

And with that, this concludes the second SCI awareness post of this month. Thanks for reading!

Img desc #1: doc is seen laying on the bed as her precious ribs poke through her severely Atrophied chest her precious dainty arms lay across her chest as she gives a soft smile towards the camera.

Img desc #2: doc is seen in a gymnasium. She is seen smiling while wearing a white hat and a white short-sleeved t-shirt with a pair of white and blue striped shorts.

Img desc #3: doc is seen smiling towards the camera. She is seen in a blue tuxedo. There is a brown wall behind her with many white flowers. Doc is seen beaming with joy on her wedding day!

Img desc #4: doc's body is seen laid out on the bed. Her precious atrophied chest is covered up with a black short-sleeved shirt, her tiny dainty wilted legs are covered up with beige-colored shorts, and her floppy, weak neck muscles and head are supported by the beautiful white puffy pillow.

Img desc #5: doc is seen laying on a bed. Her arms are seen laid out over her chest (she has no shirt on). Her Atrophied legs are covered up with grey jeans that have a black Sharpie mark (they were making DIY shorts for Doc).

Img desc #6: doc's sweet bod is seen lying on a bed her Atrophied chest is covered up by a white short-sleeved shirt with a design that's covered up by Doc's delicate dainty atrophied arms her lifeless as it could get Atrophied twigs (legs) are covered up by delicate brown/grey shorts.

Img desc #7: doc's dainty Atrophied arms are crossed over one another resting upon her lap with a black hair bow around her atrophied wrists (please ignore Doc's horribly sunburnt arms)

Img desc #8: doc is seen smiling as her chair is turned horizontally away from the camera her dainty Atrophied arms rest on a blunt blue pillow she is seen wearing a grey short-sleeved shirt and grey sweatpants and white socks under her atrophied legs and feet rest on top of a black pillow with white designs behind doc's floppy weak neck is a large brown pillow. On her face is her black glasses.

[smalife1234]

Alrightyyy everyone! Today is the second SCI post of this month

-to give everyone fair warning on the decrepit jokes I'm about to drop, I wanted to say this is funny to me, and in fact, I like writing horrendous thoughts on my body/my view. I'm not expecting you to laugh and cackle at the jokes I may or may not crack during this post but I do expect you to read this as most of it is educational. Alright now on to the post.

It's September 7th, meaning it is my second post of this month. Many people are probably thinking of God. This will be another lengthy post, and yes, they are absolutely right, but the main reason why I want to spread awareness of this is because it is a big thing! It is Spinal Cord Injury Awareness Month! This means those of us who are in the SCI community get a whole month to celebrate our worth and look back on all the things we have overcome.

The main thing I want to talk about is our bodies. And many people are wondering why. Everyone's body is different and beautiful, and yes, absolutely everyone is beautiful, but I at least want to remark on what a spinal cord injury could do to our body, specifically mine, as I can handle criticism and like my unseen jokes about my body. (Please don't take this as criticism)

When you look at me you may see the limp shriveled little ball that I am. My arms are twigs, my hands are like the claws of a dinosaur, and my shoulders/my back dare to follow the six feet-distancing rule (Whoa! Was that too much? I'll stop), but you might just see an Atrophied ball of mess. And there's nothing wrong with that, let me explain.

As a tiny child, I always looked different than my regular peers my knees would bend inward because of my cerebral palsy and I would have to use different medical equipment to get around the classroom while my other peers would be able to now I wouldn't bash them but I would look at myself worth and myself differently which was not a good look considering disabled people can live a wonderful happy life. It got so bad at 13 years old that I tried my first out of two suicidal attempts. My second one was at the age of 15. It took such a toll on my mental health on how and what I looked like in other people's eyes but when I got my coma or my injury my body had completely changed my wrist atrophied to a point of no recovery my knees were nowhere near normal and my back had curved so bad because of scoliosis and because of that I needed a spinal fusion at 35 years old to repair the damage and my body strength plummeted to almost nothing. Obviously, this is my new normal now, and it doesn't affect me as much as it did.

But I or we must talk about the vast changes a spinal cord injury can have on your body. I'll share an example: one of my friends who was formally able-bodied was recently injured on October 24th, 2023, and this had a major effect on his body and his mindset. Let me explain. Donny formally was a Wrestler and a bodybuilder. during his 56-day coma, his muscles suffered a lot of atrophy. He had many surgeries to try and repair what he had lost, he has many scars from what the damage had done to him, and he's still trying every day to work hard and regain something! And he is almost 1 year in.

This goes to show that people's body changes with a SCI, although it may seem hard, and it will be hard. But it is important that you love your body and work with what you have. I wanted to talk about this because it was really hard for me to accept my body and what I have been through but I have accepted it and often make humorous jokes about my body since that's my way of coping.

Many people will have a difficult time accepting this new normal, but I promise you it will get better, and you will work yourself into your new *still just as fabulous* body. Go out and stroll through the world. Keep your head up. And most importantly don't give up. Repeat after me, don't give up.

And with that, this concludes the second SCI awareness post of this month. Thanks for reading!

Img desc #1: doc is seen laying on the bed as her precious ribs poke through her severely Atrophied chest her precious dainty arms lay across her chest as she gives a soft smile towards the camera.

Img desc #2: doc is seen in a gymnasium. She is seen smiling while wearing a white hat and a white short-sleeved t-shirt with a pair of white and blue striped shorts.

Img desc #3: doc is seen smiling towards the camera. She is seen in a blue tuxedo. There is a brown wall behind her with many white flowers. Doc is seen beaming with joy on her wedding day!

Img desc #4: doc's body is seen laid out on the bed. Her precious atrophied chest is covered up with a black short-sleeved shirt, her tiny dainty wilted legs are covered up with beige-colored shorts, and her floppy, weak neck muscles and head are supported by the beautiful white puffy pillow.

Img desc #5: doc is seen laying on a bed. Her arms are seen laid out over her chest (she has no shirt on). Her Atrophied legs are covered up with grey jeans that have a black Sharpie mark (they were making DIY shorts for Doc).

Img desc #6: doc's sweet bod is seen lying on a bed her Atrophied chest is covered up by a white short-sleeved shirt with a design that's covered up by Doc's delicate dainty atrophied arms her lifeless as it could get Atrophied twigs (legs) are covered up by delicate brown/grey shorts.

Img desc #7: doc's dainty Atrophied arms are crossed over one another resting upon her lap with a black hair bow around her atrophied wrists (please ignore Doc's horribly sunburnt arms)

Img desc #8: doc is seen smiling as her chair is turned horizontally away from the camera her dainty Atrophied arms rest on a blunt blue pillow she is seen wearing a grey short-sleeved shirt and grey sweatpants and white socks under her atrophied legs and feet rest on top of a black pillow with white designs behind doc's floppy weak neck is a large brown pillow. On her face is her black glasses.

[commaclear]

Hi comma

I'm not a minor, but I know there's a lot of minors in tntblr and I've been on the internet long enough to realize way farther down the line that I've been in very unsafe online environments before.

I guess I'm saying this because of the new information that came out about that cc called kwite. I just keep on thinking about how uncomfortable it sometimes makes me to be in the fandom of such a homoerotic ship and know so many fans are probably only 15 years old. It seems to be really safe so far despite that, and the soap opera you have going on in your inbox is hilarious, but I guess I'm just worried that this could change.

I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if you delete this ask, it's pretty uncalled for. I'm sorry. But I guess I'm sending this ask because I'm still a bit younger than you, and wanted to know if you had advice for staying safe in online communities.

Only if you're okay with answering, of course. I really hope this wasn't too upsetting to read. I love your work, and I really hope you get that surgery you've been waiting on soon. Get well <3

I really do worry abt younger ppl in this fandom bc the internet safety things that were common when I was fifteen are becoming less and less common, so I would actually love to list a few

Do not share personal info, especially in your bio or pinned post and especially if it could be used to track you down irl (e.g. which city you live in, where you go to school, pictures of a local library/coffee shop/restaurant, your birthday, pictures of your face)

Tumblr is different from places like Facebook or Instagram because you are under no obligation to tell anyone your real name or show anyone your real face, you can and should embrace internet anonymity here because it's one of the last major websites where you can do so

Just saying you are a minor is enough (and you don't even have to do that, no one is entitled to know how old you are), you don't have to go out and tell everyone exactly how old you are because that opens the door for weirdos

You will know if something makes you uncomfortable, trust yourself and listen to that instinct. Even if you can't explain why a certain person/fic/art made you feel uncomfortable, listen to that feeling. Trust your gut feelings because they will figure out something is bad long before you figure out if goes against your boundaries in some way. Children are taught to ignore gut feelings like that, "Oh, it's not a big deal, go give your creepy uncle a hug or you're gonna hurt his feelings". But especially on the internet, where you can end up in dangerous or traumatizing territory without even realizing it until it's too late, you need to listen to your first instinct.

Just to harp on the above point a bit, if talking to someone makes you feel anxious, if you ever have to hype yourself up before you go to message a certain friend because sometimes the things they say make you feel weird, if talking to someone ever makes you feel weird about yourself or second guess things, if they ever ask you to do something you're not comfortable with (even if it's not at all sexual!! If you're talking to a mutual, and you mention you broke your foot and they ask to see the cast, if that makes you uncomfortable this still applies) If any of that happens, take a step back. Distance yourself from the person who made you uncomfortable for about a week and reassess how you feel. If there have been other times they've made you feel weird or uncomfortable, block them. It is totally okay and even expected to block people on Tumblr for literally any reason. It is always better safe than sorry. If this is the first time they've made you feel weird, explain the situation to them and establish a boundary. If they break that boundary, then it's blocking time. It might seem harsh, but to cultivate a safe online experience, you have to have safe people around you, and safe people respect boundaries 100% of the time.

tl;dr don't share unnecessary personal information with strangers on the internet, and if anyone makes you uncomfortable for any reason, do not hesitate to block them. You don't owe anyone anything.

And as tntblr's appa, I've gotta put this out there. If you feel unsafe in our online space or you're not sure what to do about something making you uncomfortable, then my dms are an open, judgement-free zone. I will do my best to help you out, and at the very least, I'm a pretty good listener. Sometimes all you need is a sanity sounding board.

[an-angel-in-the-garden]

Dating the Obey Me! boys

So I had surgery yesterday and have to be stuck in my room not doing much for a bit so I plan to try and write lots of things and I thought why not start with Obey Me. Hope you enjoy, these are also kinda short since it was so many people! CW: Spoilers and slightly dark

Lucifer

Dating Lucifer is a bit of a struggle at the start

He's headstrong and cruel even to those he care's about so it can be hard to get into a relationship with him

Once that bond is formed however its a different story though he is still blunt and a bit harsh he's more open

He enjoys classic dates candle lit dinners walks under the moon or swaying in his office with his records on

Lucifer adores when you visit him in his office just to spend time with him while he works

Not much PDA but not fully against it will wrap an arm around your waist and might kiss your head if he's feeling really soft that day

Supportive even if he's harsh he wants the best for you in his eyes you deserver the world and then some

Mammon

Mammon is very open about his feelings

Not good with PDA gets very embarrassed but loves it all the same

Will spend money on you without really thinking about it he wants to you everything and in his eyes money is everything

He gets you involved with many schemes but also does everything in his power to not let you get hurt

If any of his siblings are having a bad day and it gets taken out on you he steps in and will swing if needed

Speaking of siblings they dont treat him that well and though he tends to put on a front you kindness to him means so much he can and will cry

Soft just wants you happy your smile makes him feel special and truly loved so he wants you to feel the same

Leviathan

This is a roller coaster that's for sure

Leviathan is a tsundere on the surface but once in a relationship he's a bit more yandere then one might think

With that Levi is very tameable quelling any jealousy of another he might have is simple just give him affection

He can not handle PDA he blushes freaks out and might even faint if people are around

Indoor dates in his aquarium room and also gaming together or watching anime

Though he's not one to enjoy the outdoors if you want to go on a public date all you need to do is ask

Parise for him is heavenly you telling him he's done well or that he makes you happy means he world to him

Satan

Getting into a relationship with Satan is a friends to lovers kinda story he need so much trust to know he can be truly honest with you

Its very give and take he wants this to have the same importance on both side

Café dates often to a cat café and if you allergic dont worry he has a spell for that

Will show off your relationship to everyone

Enjoy soft PDA i.e. hand holding an arm around the waist forehead kisses etc.

Really loves talking with you about books whether about a book you both have read or simply you listening as he goes on about one he likes, Satan also loves hearing you talks about your interest

Hell protect you with his life you're someone who let him feel more then just anger someone who loves him for himself and its all he really wanted

Asmodeus

Dating Asmodesu is not easy and there's a chance it will never be a healthy relationship

He's flirts alot and that's something you have to get use to but Asmo try's very hard to never take it to far once your together

Love PDA will always want to be all over you and hopes you feel the same

Shopping dates are a must in his eyes and of you ever feel self conscious he does his best to help

Talks about you non stop to anyone and everyone he's happy your in his life but in the end his sin makes it quite hard to ever be in a fully committed relationship

Spoils you so much, wants you to live in luxury like him after all someone as perfect as you deserves it

The genuine affection and love is something new to him its something he never thought he would have so when you entered his life he felt you could only ever make things brighter and he plans to always be there for you

Beelzebub

This is a relationship that develops without much thought

It becomes a habit for Beel to share his food with you or to seek you out just to be with you for a while

At some point its pointed out how you both act and Beelzebub confesses

Dates are common and its often food date going to new and old places he thinks you would like

Not great at planning things but if you have something you want to do or talk about he's all in

Very soft with you though its not often that hell innate PDA or anything he's always up to reciprocate it

A gentle giant who wants you safe and happy even if it means sharing his snacks

Belphegor

This is a full slow burn with his hatred of humans and his lack of trust its not an easy ride

Being with him takes a while starting as just people to friends to maybe more to lovers its a drawn out thing

No PDA he just doesn't handle it well however at the house or alone he's very affectionate

You all go on dates rarely as he's not one for going out and would rather spend quite time with you at home

One of his favorite things to do with you is laze around while you talk about your day or things you've been into lately

Will always make sure you have a good nights sleep if your someone prone to bad dreams he can help with that

Though the relationship with him starts a little rocky he treasures you more then he might admit and he happy you gave him a chance

Diavolo

Another friends to lovers and a little forbidden on top of that but you two make it work

It starts as just him being overly interested in the human world and not so slowly he starts to take interest in just you

Diavolo spoils you when he can you've given him so much and he wants to give back

Loves PDA but knows that he has to reel it in due to him tittle so he settles for just holding your hand

Is a very soft demon for you wanting to make you're as comfortable as you can be

Really enjoys when you visit him even if it just you popping in to say hi it just brightens his day

Being in a relationship wit Diavolo isn't easy it takes alot to keep up with everything but he's never been happier then with you by his side

Barbatos (I love him so much so his is slightly longer)

A slow burn and secret relationship full of its ups and downs yet its something he wouldn't trade for anything

The start of the relationship is slow and honestly it doesn't even seem like your dating he's still closed off only being polite when you two are together

It takes him far longer then you would think for him to realize how much that hurts you he hasn't been wit someone for so long if ever he's not use to it

Once you break that barrier things are smoother he's willing to be open with you alone giving you affection when you ask and even sometimes acting with out you saying anything

Barbatos thinks about you alot when he's working always wanting to know what your up to and how your feeling

Wont want to tell anyone he takes his work very seriously and doesn't want that to ever be at risk but on top of that he knows some people dont like him and if they know about you well he doesn't want to think about that

Refuses to look into your future he knows he wont be able to handle what hell see

It a relationship that takes time and sometime it seems like it might slip away but he's always there and he strives to be with you and make you happy just please give him all your love too

Simeon

A story tale romance most the time but one that almost seems impossible to keep

He's the perfect gentlemen sweet moonlight date or strolls through a garden, holding the door open or offering you his coat

With that it might seem like you never see the real him just the person/angle that he wants you to see someone perfect

Once you two have been together a few months hell start to really open up letting you see his more mischievous side and even talking about the pain from when the others fell

Simeon will always be there for you and when your down he wants to be someone you can lean on

The two of you in the in his room the soft lighting thanks to the fire with the only sounds in the room being the scribble of pen on paper and quite breathing making the night feel like endless bliss

He knows this relationship is dangerous if he's not careful he could fall but when you look at him eyes shinning with nothing but love he thinks maybe that wouldn't be so bad

Solomon

An almost tragic love story that much to his glee ends in happiness

He's met you in many lifetimes yet you were never his bit this time this wonderful time you choose him

The most romantic dates with Solomon anything you want he can probably get

Tried to cook for you it didn't go well but man he tried

Helps you study and will partake in your hobbies if you want

Is ok with PDA prefers the simple stuff over anything major

Is such a lovely relationship one he's spent so long waiting for and he's wont let it slip away now

[vampelune]

hajime headcanons

i wrote these out for a cc anon but i wanna post em all in one place here

he has freckles and tans easy  

i like trans ftm hajime . though i flip flop between cis hajime and trans hajime in my works haha. i rlly love him as trans tho.  

he knows how to skateboard HAHA its one of the hobbies he still participates in at times. you would never guess by looking at him, though.  

if he didn't get into hopes peak i swear on my life this dude wouldve been the business major in college who just picked that because he doesn't know what to do with his life & its the Default major for mfs who have no goals  

he probably has lots of random knowledge about various hobbies and skills because he's tried to do so many and find his "talent", like knowing one or two songs on several instruments, knowing how to repair various utilities. he probably jumped through electives and clubs in middle school & high school. so i think hajime on his own would be a slight jack of all trades, master of none. But then he gets izuru'd and he really is a master of all trades.

as is canon he's one of those kids that fades into the background, so i bet he didn't have much of a social life. he seems like an overachiever kid, too, so he probably spent more time working and trying to find his talent than he did socializing. he probably only had unmemorable friends throughout school that didn't stick. though he does attract the attention of the sdr2 kids pretty hard, he probably had a LOT of friends. just people who came to him for help on studying, projects, etc, whatever. gets invited to some parties just because everyone kinda knows him, vaguely, and probably owes him for some help. but no close friends, no girlfriend or boyfriend. he'd be really inexperienced with close relationships by the time he meets the other sdr2 kids.  

i actually like the idea that he hung out with sato & natsumi, you know, before all of that went under. i think in a non-despair au they could've been a good friend group.  

really cookie cutter family. both parents working office jobs. he's emotionally detached from his family. loves them, but, there just never was the time or that big of an effort made on anyone's part to become really tight knit. he still has fond memories of his childhood, though.  

kusamochi is his favorite food because it's traditionally eaten on new years. it's also one of the first foods he ever learned how to cook, with his extended family on new years. when he was younger, they would have gatherings with all extended family every new years, especially because it was hajime's birthday. but as he got older those happened less and less, and now, after everything, he still makes himself kusamochi every new years.  

chiaki was his first real crush, but it was unrequited. since she was also kinda his first real friend, it was hard to differentiate between friend love and genuine crush. he knows now after everything it was probably the former, but he still loved her immensely, most than most things. even when she wasn't the best, or couldn't help him like he needed.  

i think if he had a pet he would have a cat. a childhood cat he grew up with and passed away when he was in his teens, hasn't gotten a new one since because he's too focused on school & with his hopes peak workload, and his busy parents, there just wouldn't be time for caring for a pet. and i bet he would've named his cat mochi when he was little, because he liked kusamochi so much <33 sobs  

post-dr3 hajime doesn't completely effortlessly use his talents, and with a lot of them, he needs to concentrate and think hard to focus and apply them. some things are reflexive, but others are more dormant. because of this, he can still get distracted and screw things up. when he does start using his talents, though, he goes more on the "izuru" side of his personality, very intense, a little scary from an outside perspective, and more cold and calculating.  

he has days that are more izuru than others, since they're both him now, in essence. and because that's just, irreparable damage done onto your brain, he can have mood swings, bad days, even weeks, where he's much more cold and unfeeling. in these states, though, he tends to just work himself into a hole because it's all he can do, since that sense of "boredom" comes back on days like these. (like anhedonia, in depression. there's just some days like that, you know?) and the only one capable of helping him through these states is komaeda. (sorry, im slipping in my komahina agenda)  

i kinda have a guilty pleasure for the headcanon that he grew taller from all the drugs and surgery they put him on during the project, especially because he was 18? so he still had room to grow taller. he's 5'10 in the nwp so i think 6'0 izuru/post-game hajime is, kinda hot. Though if you go by his localization height (5'8) then just put him right back up to 5'10 LOL  

for the trans agenda, the reason he dislikes sakuramochi so much is because it's a treat typically eaten on "girls' day" in japan, and he always hated that day.  

this isn't a headcanon. more of an observation, really. but i really dont like calling hajime "tsundere" because he doesn't fit that mold at all. he's dense & just comes off as blunt and rude, plus he's easily irritable. this isn't a tsundere trait, he isn't purposefully mean to hide his feelings for someone. he's just confused and doesn't even understand his own feelings most of the time, especially when it's a complex relationship like with nagito.   if anything, hopes peak or ch4 nagito is more of a tsundere haha cuz he purposely is mean to hajime & talks down to him to hide his own feelings that is already aware of, because he's trying to force himself to stop caring after learning hes a talentless nobody & fell to despair.

[sethmacenzie]

Spinner time travel quirk headcanons

For @whoatimetravel-main  whose answer to this post from @oldphone-whodis  my tumblr forgot to tell me and I saw by sheer luck.

 So thing is I have like a lot of different headcanons for different time travel versions, but all have in common that Spinner is not letting it happen again the same way, especially the death of Twice and Magne (even though they weren’t close).

And Spinner still wants to destroy hero society and be with his friends and wants them to succeed. Especially Tomura. And of course he does not want AFO to take over Tomura.

 Version 1: only Spinner gets time travel powers and it’s pretty much the original post base (some variations would be a little earlier, so Spinner can stop some other stuff from happening, but all versions where the League consists of already wanted criminals start this way.

Basically: Spinner can go two different ways, either he tells them, hopes they buy into it by using knowledge he should not have or he does not tell them and instead just tries to play it saver by reducing the damage the league gets, aka Twice and Magne alive, Compress keeps his arm etc.

While I do find the he tells them and convinces them interesting and a lot of fun it does lead to major changes in the story if the League can just ask Spinner: how did this go, he tells them, they do it differently and hope for the best.

But Spinner is the kind of guy who probably played enough games where one decision can change the entire outcome of the game, so he’d know that this could lead to way worse consequences.

So I think he’d play it safe and go with sticking to what he knows and only making sure his friends survive.

Especially because Tomura pre AFO imprisonment would still be under AFOs influence and saying something against AFO could lead to Spinner’s death, so while I think Twice and Toga would be on board right away with time travel person, Giran, Compress and Dabi could be persuaded through logic arguments, Tomura is the biggest issue to convince here, so Spinner would probably go and play it safe.

Even though I’d love the comedy of Spinner trying to get everyone to believe him. And I can see Spinner telling Dabi, Compress even Giran the truth, he’d probably be safe for them to keep the secret, the chances of Twice or Toga finding out and being distrustful (more so Toga, than Twice, I think he’d understand why such curtail information wouldn’t be given to him) are too high. And of course Dabi is a bit of a wild card in regards to his own goals.

So Spinner plays it safe: he doesn’t tell anyone and just tries to change things a little bit. The Forrest Training Camp and the Hideout ark stay the same (I know OP likes Mustard, and it’s really screwed up that this middle schooler villain just vanishes, but I just have to little knowledge about him to include him and I’d say unless that changes (bnha stand chapter 314) neither does Spinner, so he probably would let the 3 M get arrested.

And he’d definitely let AFO get imprisoned, so that Tomura is finally free of him.

He goes with them to the Overhaul meeting and stops Magne (and therefore Compress) to attack Overhaul, saving them. But he was still an ass, so the Overhaul ark remains relatively the same.  

So the next ark with big problems for the League would be the Meta Liberation Army which is where I am a bit torn like Spinner probably would be. Should Giran and Tomura get to keep their fingers? Issue being: if this goes down differently the outcome could be catastrophic for everyone. Tomura needs to win against Re-Destro (and unlock his childhood trauma) and so do Twice and Toga need their power up. So I’d guess that Spinner would let it slide because getting involved could mean a way worse outcome than 7 lost fingers.

Which leads to the currently biggest problem Spinner will have to face: the fight against the pro heroes and Twice death and maybe getting Tomura to not get surgery so that AFO can’t take over.

I’d say this would be a huge moment of Spinner going: this is the point where he’ll have to overdo everything because the outcome is too bad. Current standpoint: Toga missing, Compress arrested and in bad health, Maschia arrested, Twice dead, Tomura’s body got taken over by AFO, their forces lost.

So this would for me be the point where he decides to change everything he can to not let that happen, because saving that point seems useless for this outcome.

My personal favorite would be to get Twice to clone EVERYONE form the PLF and have them at the hideout but actually relocate everyone elsewhere so that the heroes are busy fighting the clones (we saw what the Re-Destro clone alone did). He would hate to find a way to hide this information from Twice as long as possible, until the last moment Hawks is around, then be fast of cloning everyone.

I’d say Spinner made himself a questlog for this, a to-do-list if you will, so in order to finish this mission he has to do the following:

Gets Hawks not to find out about the clones until it’s too late. Get the League into safety. Make sure Twice is as far away as possible from Hawks. Kill Best Jeanist probably, I mean he is just lying around in a bag in the corner right now. Get Tomura to not get into that tank. But have AFO believe that he does? Last thing would definitely be the hardest part but also might be the moment where he tells Tomura that time travel was involved, because by now they are actually friends and Tomura was out of AFO grasp for a while.

And of course to still stick close to the raid and the heroes getting Ujiko to knock him out and keep the heroes busy while the League gets out of there he’d need something to put into that tank. Twice clones would not be able to hold it up obviously, maybe Sceptic’s can?

Or Spinner forgoes the whole thing and just tells Tomura and the League just blows the hospital up themselves before getting to Tartarus to kill AFO before anything worse happens.

This is the moment for me where I go in like 50 different directions of what could happen.

Spinner could tell everyone about the future he stopped. Spinner could have everyone be complelty elsewhere and them just watching the heroes loose their shit because everyone is a clone.

The PLF having survived could go full on war against the heroes, which would probably not end well either.

Spinner might tell Dabi that he knows who he is and wants to help take down Endevour and they could make it bigger than what actually happened. I am sure Compress would help putting up a show and Toga and Tomura would be on board of: shitty father deserves to go down.

There are so many possibilities for this.

Other than that and other Version of Time Travel would be either completely different times, picturing baby Spinner trying to get to baby Tomura before he kills his family or stopping Dabi from burning himself, teenager Spinner straight up getting the gang together early, kidnapping Toga before she snaps and showing up at the bar with Kurogiri letting them stay (Oboro liked strays too), maybe it’s a groundhog day situation of the day of the raid and he has to figure out how to save Twice from Hawks and Tomura from AFO.

And then there are the versions of Time Travel where it’s not only Spinner but other people get it too.

Like every one of the League getting time traveled and now there have some meeting before everything goes down just sitting there like: now what? And Toga not stopping to hug Twice. Maybe ever person I currently see joining as a major player in the finale battle against AFO getting time traveled and they have to figure out how to not let that happen, with Shoto going all out trying to find his brother and talk to him, Uraraka reaching out to Toga and Deku knowing he has to save Tomura but not knowing how to in this timeline.

My personal favorite: Spinner and Bakugo being the only people who time travel and they have to work together to stop this whole mess and the whole thing just being an entire comedy because they keep in check with each other, planning out who does what like: If you take down Overhaul, we’ll take down the Doctor and his Nomus – We’ll have to wait until Daku wins this fight and unlocks this power otherwise it won’t work, -I forgot Toga can’t use quirks yet. Like the worst version of a buddy comedy you can think of.

[werevulvi]

I wanted to write a bit about sex segregated spaces, in regards to people who pass as the opposite sex. This is not actually about trans people, as much as it is about the safety, integrity and general rights of male-passing biological women. I am not the only gender non-conforming woman who gets tossed out of female only spaces, based on the false presumption that we’re men. I do not care about validating trans women, or even trans men, for that matter. I care about real life practicality, risks and safety for ALL women, not just those who look conveniently clearly female, which starts with accepting that some women, whether they've medically transitioned or not, pass as male. And none of them should have to feminise themselves to access female only spaces. Whether that be to ensure safety from males, or to just take a leak.

The fact that I choose to keep my beard has almost nothing to do with that I'm male-passing. It may be my strongest "male" feature, but it's hardly the only one. I still pass as male with a clean shaven face, which makes shaving my beloved beard rather pointless, in my opinion. I would realistically need to go through more than just facial hair removal to pass as my own sex again. I'd probably even need facial feminisation surgery, hair transplant, voice feminisation and full body hair removal, at the very least, to even get close to passing as female again. But even then, I'd probably STILL be read as a trans woman, i.e. male. And even IF I did all that... WHY should I have to mutilate myself (a second time) by buying into harmful patriarchal beauty standards, which would worsen my dysphoria and reduce my comfort in my own skin significantly, to be allowed the safety of male-free spaces?

Does that sound feminist to you? Because to me, it's incredibly misogynistic, and strongly counterproductive. To uphold patriarchal gender roles for the safety of women... is the most insanely anti-feminist double standard I can possibly ever think of.

To lay out my argument on this topic, I'm going to use my own experiences as examples a lot. Mostly because I cannot with any conscience speak for anyone else than myself, at least not in such detail and with such harsh judgement. But I'm sure a lot of my experiences are applicable to other masculine women as well.

First off, I still consider myself gender critical, but my allegiance to radical feminism has been waning lately. This is mostly due to that although I agree with the base premise of radfem, I tend to disagree with the proposed solutions to almost all of the issues, because to me they come across as unfounded beliefs (yes, BELIEFS) that "it would just work" without much of any evidence to back up such a claim.

And when it comes to trans people, I've noticed a lot of... shall we say, willful ignorance, going on among many radfems, which does affect opinions on gender abolishion as well as sex segregated spaces to appear rather... intellectually dishonest, to be frank. Although this is not intended as a call out by any means, I merely want for people of all sides of the radfem/gender critical/pro-trans fence to stay critical and keep questioning everything, even one's own beloved ideology. Which I don't see a lot of. Instead I see almost religious defending of radfem as the ultimate/perfect ideology... oh, guess where I've seen that before? I've come to believe that "hivemindedness" is probably part of every possible ideology out there. Even radfem.

So, anyway.

One thing I come across time and time again is the belief (yes, I dare say "belief") that people never pass as the opposite sex, although it's mostly directed at trans people, this very much applies to people who are just gnc as well. Let's not forget that. And this belief seem to often lead to that transitioned/gnc people can just use the space intended for their biological sex, no problem. However, this is not the case. There is a problem. Very many trans people, and some gnc people, pass well enough to at least blend in enough to not raise much of an eyebrow among the opposite sex, and to most definitely stand out as an outsider among people of the same sex. OR they pass barely enough as either sex, and thus stand out as an outsider among both the same sex and the opposite sex, which can cause similar problems with single sex spaces.

There's also the thing that it generally is easier to pass as the opposite sex among complete strangers, compared to people who know you/your background. They tend to read you differently, depending on that.

At least in my experience, complete strangers assume I'm male and don't even as much as raise an eyebrow about how male I come across as. They accept their false assumption at face value. And why wouldn't they? 99,97% of people who "look like me" are biologically men. Then people who know I'm transitioned, but didn't know me pre-transition, tend to see me as a female who looks very convincingly male, whether that makes me a masculine woman, trans man, or any other (female) label in their eyes. They claim to be able to "see" my female nature, yet they somehow had no idea before I told them about my true sex. Then people who know about my history and saw it happen from the time before my transition (now only really my family) never quite succeeded to see me as anything other than a gnc woman. To quote my dad: "You look like a woman who's trying to look like a man." Although I'm sure my mom and sister don't have quite as harsh views about me, lol. They still seem to see me the way they always have, regardless of what name or pronouns they use for me.

This matters, because although people who know I'm transitioned and may even have witnessed my transition from the beginning, struggle to see me as a man (which I respect entirely and I'm VERY careful to not push wanting to be seen/read as anything in particular, but also, people do not want to be rude, especially irl) that does not go for people who have never even seen me before the moment I walk into... say, a public bathroom. To them I cannot possibly be anything other than a man, and it's almost impossible to change their view of me as male once their brains have registered me as such. I need to conjure up pretty fucking compelling evidence to shatter that view they have of me.

This is important, because it means I cannot feasibly use female only spaces, unless someone else (who is also female) vouches for me and explains my situation for me. This is, most likely due to people being more likely to believe an unlikely explanation when it's told by someone else, because maybe I could be lying; and only someone of the same sex as me can accompany/escort me into female only spaces, obviously. But even then, there's a ton of tension around my presentation. An air of distrust, basically. The question that hangs in the air: "Is that a trans woman?" even after they've been given a thorough explanation of my situation. It's uncomfortable for everyone involved. Imagine how it goes then if I'd just show up unannounced, and without someone to vouch for me. I just get booted on sight.

Yes, I can whine about this all day, but that is NOT my point.

My point is that I'm either directly, or implicitly, unwelcome in female only spaces, despite being biologically female, because of my transitioned appearance... despite I'm not even on testosterone anymore since 2 years ago. Sure, most gnc women (whether transitioned or not) don't seem to have turned out quite as passable as me, but clearly, it happens. So let's stop pretending that it doesn't.

So with that in mind, I don't always have access to a gender neutral space. Like for example when I travel with the ferry that goes between my island and the mainland of my country, there is only men's bathrooms and women's bathrooms. No third option. That's a 3 hour boat ride, and with my coffee drinking habit, I will need to pee at some point or another while aboard that ship, alright. And no, peeing in the ocean is not an option, as squatting over the railing would be incredibly dangerous, and most likely not even remotely allowed. Granted, I don't take the ferry often, it's just the most clear example I can think of. Because it's my only means of transportation to/from the mainland, except from flying, which is incredibly expensive, less reliable and obviously an environmental hazard. So when I do have to use that ferry, I'm kinda stuck with my choices.

So then, am I better off going with the men's or women's bathroom? I am much more likely to be left alone to do my business in the men's, so even though that is not the space I want to be in, nor do I think it's "right" for me to be there, sometimes it's even a bit scary, other times even impractical if there's only urinals and no stall, and it's absolutely not validating at all - it's the only bathroom that I can realistically use, without too much trouble. And I don't want trouble. But I also hate having to put my own safety on the backburner for the perceived safety of other women, who are not actually at any higher safety risk when left alone with me.

So, onto the more general, political aspects of this issue:

Women in male only spaces may be less of an issue in regards to safety, at least for the majority of people (men) in that space, especially if the woman in question passes as male. No one gives a fuck, generally. But problem is then that she is at far greater risk than the majority of people (women) would be with a single male, in a female only space. As I think a group of women against one male is generally less risk towards the women, when compared to a group of men against a single female, which can be extremely dangerous for her. Although I've so far never been faced with any sort of violence in a male only space, let's not pretend that my presense in a male only space is somehow LESS dangerous for me, than how dangerous the presense of ONE male in a space with a whole group of women, would be for those women. Statistically and realistically, I'm at a far greater risk than they are, and no, I do not have any more choice in the matter than they do.

Thus, this kinda skewed idea of safety and choice, becomes a question of ethics, I think.

Furthermore, I'm a person of principles, and it wouldn't sit right with me that if males should never under any circumstances be allowed in female spaces, but females could be allowed in male spaces. I refuse to be a hypocrit on purpose! No, if males should never under any circumstances be allowed in female spaces, then females should also never under any circumstances be allowed in male spaces. OR, if females CAN under some special circumstances be allowed into male spaces, then males should be allowed the same in female spaces. Both of these solutions pose serious problems, which I keep seeing being brushed under the carpet a lot, and that annoys me.

But if we go with the first idea, of barring people from using opposite sex spaces altogether, then where the fuck do I pee? Should I utilise my "right" to use female spaces, despite making everyone uncomfortable and feeling threatened by my presense, as well as risking being kicked out and forced to use the equivalent male spaces anyway, which is exactly what that idea is meant to prevent - or should I completely avoid being in places which I know does not have a gender neutral bathroom, such as the ferry? Would that not be discrimination? Which is the most reasonable option here, what is the most practical, what's wrong and what's right? Do I even have a RIGHT to use female bathrooms, and if so, how do I prove it, considering my ID still says I'm male?

Trans men aren't gonna be nearly as willing to use female only spaces, and trans women definitely not eager to use male only spaces. But aside from that validation factor, I have the exact same struggle as trans people do on this particular point. Quite often they do toss and turn at which bloody bathroom to pick, not just out of validation, but because they genuinely struggle to figure out which one is the best option for them practically. Especially if they don't quite pass as either sex, and most and foremost just wanna do their business without unneccesary drama.

Also, to clarify: barring trans people from opposite sex spaces is NOT discrimination, as they never belonged there to begin with - but leaving them with no other option than to pee themselves, is. Which means that I think it's fucked up to barr them from those spaces BEFORE having solved the problem of "if they can't go there, then where?"

Perhaps I'm the only one around here who cares about males' integrity, safety and human rights. But even if so, I should not be the only one to care about gnc females' integrity, safety and rights. Male-passing females, whether transitioned or not, whether bearded or not, are still female, and if we don't want them in female only spaces, and not in male only spaces either; why? Because they "chose" to medically transition and/or dress in men's clothing?

Yeah, well, in most cases of transitioned females, they transitioned because of dysphoria, which no one chooses to have. It's a medical condition. Barring people from spaces they'd otherwise be welcomed into, due to the visual outcome of the treatment of their medical condition... is ableism. Barring a woman from a female only space she belongs in, solely because her unusual physical appearance freaks you out... is ableism. Also, simply being gnc and being viscerally uncomfortable with presenting femininely is also not a choice. And even if it was... shouldn't it be? That's why I cannot roll with that sorta solution. I dunno if it counts as a form of discrimination by definition, but it just smells a lot like it from where I sit. That it's no more right to toss me out of, or give me trouble, in a women's bathroom, than a masculine women who also passes as male but who has not medically transitioned.

That said, however, women's safety DOES matter a lot to me. Hence my reluctance to join their spaces, despite being a woman myself. I guess, what I'd want is complete sex segregation to work in my favour, but I can't promote a rule that would discriminate against me. I'm sorry, I just can't. I desire FUNCTIONAL sex segregated spaces, but realistically they cannot function. Truth is that the only womens spaces I've been allowed into since I began passing as male, are "trans inclusionary" ones that openly allow in trans women, ironically. I care about the safety of other women, and their right to have their own spaces... but not at the expense of my own rights, as a fellow woman. To say otherwise would be a crime against myself. I really wish this could be solved in some way that would work in practice, but honestly I don't think it can anytime soon. Not without some seriously tried and proven, practical and humane methods to check what sex people entering single sex spaces actually are.

That is the reality that people have to face. And personally I'd rather focus on women's rights than trans rights, but as a woman who's medically transitioning, I'd shoot my own foot no matter which one I'd choose. That's quite a dilemma.

So where my opinion stands on this right now, is basically this: I think female only spaces should only be for biological women, but I'm reluctantly okay-ish with males who pass as female utilising female only spaces, and vice versa for females in male only spaces. However, this does not feel ideal at all. It's a compromise. Ideally, I want such spaces to be entirely sex segregated, and for even people who pass as the opposite sex (like myself) to be allowed into spaces of their biological sex. My appeal here is both realistic practicality with the reality that some people really do pass as the opposite sex, as well as the safety, rights and integrity of male-passing women.

[ssfghfrrggf]

Down is Faster than Up Chapter 3

Kelly can’t feel much of anything other than how cold he is. It’s not a normal kind of cold, it’s a deep chilling cold that runs deep into the core of his body, like all his insides are frozen. It’s uncomfortable and unnatural, but he’s grateful for it; he’s pretty sure it’s numbed him enough so he can’t feel much of anything else, that’s the only reason he can think of that would explain why he’s not in excruciating pain anymore. He can still feel some of it, but it’s mostly just dull aching pain that he’s aware of somewhere in the back of his  mind. He’s also not soaking wet anymore and whatever’s under his head is a lot softer than Casey’s turn out coat; there’s also something beeping close to his head but it’s too quiet, slow, and rhythmic to be a pass device.

“Casey?” he tries to mumble, but no sound escapes his mouth. He tries to shift the position of his hand to feel around for his friend, but something wrapped around his pointer finger stops him. He hadn’t noticed it before, but now he feels it… something small and warm gripping his finger, it feels like a tiny hand but that doesn’t make sense. He’s at the bottom of a deep bottomless pit crushed under a pile of concrete. There’s absolutely no reason for there to be a baby holding his finger. He’s too exhausted to open his eyes to figure out what it actually is, and in all honestly it doesn’t really matter to him. It’s calming whatever it is, so he lets it stay and tries not to question it, but his curiosity wins out and after a couple seconds of mustering what little energy he has left, he opens his eyes.

Everything is blurry for a second as his eyes adjust to the lack of darkness he’s woken up to, but the first thing that comes into focus is the small round face of the beautiful blue eyed baby clinging to his finger with one tiny hand. He blinks once in confusion and everything else comes into focus. The white walled room, the light, the bed he’s on, the blankets covering him, and finally Stella; she’s the one holding the baby, and there are tears in her brown eyes. He very carefully closes his hand around the baby’s hand- his baby… their baby’s hand. It’s the most movement he can muster up, but the presence of that tiny hand wrapped around his finger makes him want to be stronger and fight harder. He wants to fight for this beautiful child he’s helped create, he wants to fight so he can watch him grow up and be whatever he wants to be and have kids of his own.

“Stella…” Kelly manages to mumble, by some spell of luck he actually manages to get sound to come out of his mouth, and she stops staring into space and her deep brown gaze turns to him, relief and joy spreading across her face.

“Kelly?” she breathes, adjusting her position in the chair next to his bed. She sounds like she doesn’t actually believe he’s just spoken to her or that he’s even awake.

He blinks once in acknowledgement, unable to do much else. He wants to assure he’s okay, and say a million things about their child, and he wants to reach around them both and them close, but even the slow blink is exhausting and he can’t seem to make his body do anything he wants it to.

“You have a son,” she chokes, tears still running down her cheeks; he wishes he could reach up and wipe them away for her… she looks pale, like the day has brought her her own set of pain and injuries. “ We have a son.”

She adjusts the baby in her arms so she’s holding him closer to him, and then plants a soft kiss on Kelly’s forehead.

“He looks so much like you,” she says quietly leaning her head against Kelly’s.

Everything is starting to hurt again, whatever numbness from the cold and probably the cocktail of painkillers he’s on is starting to rub off, but he can’t stop himself from smiling.

“He’s got your nose…” Severide mumbles as his eyes drift closed. He wants to stay awake and soak of the presence of Stella and their baby, but fighting back the darkness folding over him is like trying to fight off a tidal wave. It’s an unstoppable force and he doesn’t have the strength left to fight it back. The best he can hope for is to be able to muscle his way back to the surface after the wave passes, but he’s not so sure he’ll be able to.

***

“Would you guys quit worrying about me?” Matt requests for the upteenth time in an hour. He’s absolutely desperate to get out of his hospital bed that much is easy for Sylvie to tell, but he’s been strictly ordered to stay a 24 hour observation period to keep an eye on his head injury. The doctors all wanted to make sure nothing bad showed up late even though his CT looked fine.

“Is it really so bad laying down to get some relaxation for a change?’ Sylvie asks, intertwining her fingers with his.

“Yes. they could at least let me go see Severide,” Matt says bitterly and glares at the door.

“Severide is in good hands and Stella’s with him,” Sylvie promises. She knows the only reason they let Stella in with him is because she’s his wife and whatever time he has left they want to make sure she’s there for it.

“But he’s not okay,” Matt says knowingly and the glare he had on his face slips away to much more heartbroken and defeated expression. “Is he?”

“I don’t know Matt,” Sylvie replies with a sigh and leans her head against his shoulder. It’s just the two of them in the room, everyone has gone back to the station with promises to return soon, and none of them have heard anything about Severide’s condition since she and Will talked in the hallway.

“They would be letting us in to see him if he was okay,” Matt points out. He’s had all his focus on fighting to get out of the room for so long that all these things are probably just now starting to sink in.

“There could be a lot of reasons they won’t let you go see him, like how you’re supposed to be taking it easy for starters,” Sylvie says trying to comfort the captain and ease his worries, but she’s doing a bad job at it because she shares his concerns. Her reasurances are just as much for him as they are for her, but she doesn’t believe them so she knows he won’t either.

“Sylvie, can you please just be honest with me?” Casey pleads tightening his grip around her hand, and looking up at her with exhausted blue eyes. She’s really not sure how he’s still plucking along; today has been longer than most people can stand, it was only a couple hours ago that he was stuck at the bottom of a flooding and collapsed parking garage with his best friend dying in his arms. Most people would’ve broken down by now, but not Matt; he’s still keeping it together somehow. “Is he going to die?”

“I don’t know,” She admits. “I’m not a doctor and I don’t have all the details, and even if I did… you should rest, you know that? You’re exhausted and staying awake worrying about Severide isn’t going to do anything.”

Matt closes his eyes with a heavy sigh. “I can’t lose him too, Sylvie.”

There’s not much of anything left she can tell him or promise him that will make him feel better. Will had said it’d probably take nothing short of a miracle to get Kelly though the night. She’s never put much stake in miracles, but it seems like one that he’s made it this far. So maybe, maybe he’ll pull through. If she knows one thing about Severide it’s that he’s a man of many surprises, but these are all really just distant hopes- wishes really.

“I know,” she soothes and ruffles Matt’s hair. She’s not sure if the house will survive a loss that massive, they barely made it through the aftermath of Otis’s death in one piece; losing anyone else will have catastrophic results, and she’s pretty sure at least a couple people would transfer out for good this time.

***

“I’m sorry to do this, but it’s getting late and you’ll have to go back to your room soon,” Dr Manning says apologetically as she finishes going over Kelly’s charts, and hangs the clipboard back on the end of the bed.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Stella says without looking up at the woman. Kelly’s been in and out of consciousness for the past hour and a half, and she’s not going to let him wake up alone, not once; he needs to know her and their son are right there waiting for him, and will continue to be there.

“Stella, I know you want to be here with him, but you just went through major surgery. You need rest,” Dr. Manning argues, but it’s more of a soft pleading.

“I need to be right here with him,” Stella replies pursing her lips and running one hand through his hair. It’s tempting to obey Dr. Manning, she’s tired and whatever painkillers they had her on have worn off since she’s been off her IV so she can be with Kelly leaving behind a dull throbbing pain in her abdomen where they cut her open, but she knows she won’t be able to sleep even if she goes back to her own hospital bed. So she can sit here awake with Kelly or she can go back to bed and lay awake; staying with Kelly is the obvious choice. “I’ll be fine. I’m used to long nights.”

“Fine,” Natalie sighs. “I’ll make sure one of the night shift nurses comes in to check on you in a little while.”

“You’re going home?” Stella asks with only minor interest.

“Yeah, I’ll be back first thing in the morning though,” she replies and gives Stella a comforting pat on the back. “Hang in there.”

Stella waits until Dr. Manning leaves the room to adjust her position in the chair so she’s a little more comfortable, and adjusts her hospital gown so the baby can nurse. He makes a small sound of protest as she gently pulls him away from Kelly’s finger that he’s been intently holding almost the entire time they’ve been in the room, but thankfully he doesn’t cry.

“Psst, Stella…”

Stella jumps a little, startled by the whisper coming from the door behind her. She hadn’t realized she was nodding off until now; she’d kind of just zoned out and lost track of everything. She turns her head enough to see that it’s Casey and pulls her hospital gown back up; the baby’s done nursing and is sound asleep.

“What are you doing up?” Stella asks, biting back a yawn.

“Brett finally asleep…” he starts, craning his neck trying to get a look at Severide from the doorway. “And there weren’t any doctors around so I thought…”

“Come on in, Captain,” Stella says, knowing exactly what the truck captain wants.

“Nobody would tell me how he was doing,” Casey ventures as he shuffles into the room. He looks as tired as Stella feels and the way he’s squinting screams head injury.

“It’s rough, but he’s hanging in there,” Stella says, turning her gaze to Kelly. “He’s doing better than they give him credit for.”

Casey nods and glances down at the sleeping baby in Stella’s arms and does a double take.

“Is that…” He trails off and glances at Stella for a second before returning his gaze to the baby; he gets down on one knee next to her and the baby to get a better look. “He’s beautiful Stella…”

“You can hold him if you want,” she offers.

“Really?” Matt asks, looking taken aback by the offer.

“Of course! He needs to get to know his godfather,” Stella says, offering her son to Casey.

“His- Stella are you sure?” Casey chokes, taking the baby in his arms and holding him close.

“If you want to be,” she replies. It had been an almost unspoken decision she and Kelly had made almost as soon as she found she was pregnant. Casey would be the godfather and Sylvie would be the godmother, and hopefully the two of them would eventually tie the knot. “Kelly and I talked about it a while ago.”

“Okay- I mean yes… yes I’ll be the godfather,” Casey breathes without looking up from the tiny bundle in his arms. “Hey little guy…” he stops and looks up at Stella. “What’s his name?”

The question hits harder than Stella could’ve ever imagined it would, and she ducks her head unable to answer. She and Kelly had discussed baby names, and fought about names, and even made jokes about all the crazy joke names they threw at each other, but they’d never actually decided anything. And she hasn’t even let herself really think about it since all of this started; naming the baby without him just never really crossed her mind, not even with him only hanging on by a thread. It’s not something she’s prepared to do.

“You’re waiting for Severide,” Casey says understandingly, looking back down at his godchild.

“Yeah,” Stella replies hesitantly. “I know it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, but I can’t do it without him.”

“No, it makes perfect sense. I wouldn’t name a baby without Sylvie-” Matt breaks off clearing his throat loudly and his cheeks turn red. “I mean, if we ever had kids… and i- you know what I meant…”

Stella chuckles and shakes her head. For a big tough fire captain, Casey get flustered really easily and she’s always found it very amusing. “You two would make great parents.”

“You two are pregnant?” the dazed mumble from Kelly takes them both by surprise and interrupts Matt before he can get himself entangled any further in his own awkwardness.

“Hey, Kelly,” Stella says leaning forward and taking his hand in hers; he looks the most awake and attentive he has in a long time, but still seems to be dazed and very out of it. “And sadly no, Brett and Casey aren’t pregnant.”

“That’s too bad,” he mumbles and glances up at Casey. “You look like hell.”

Casey smiles and rests his hand on Kelly’s knee. “You should see yourself.”

“From the expression on your ugly mug, i don’t think I want to,” Kelly jokes weakly. His words are still slurred together and he only seems to be half awake, but it’s relieving him even this alert and attentive.

“How are you feeling, man?” Casey asks, taking on a more serious tone.

“Like I got hit by a bus but am being pumped full so many painkillers I can’t feel it,” he mumbles and closes his eyes again.

“The doctors all seemed pretty worried about you,” Casey adds.

“Eh, when aren’t they…” Kelly breathes.

Stella can tell he’s getting ready to slip back to sleep; he’s getting quieter and his grip on her hand is getting weaker.

“Severide-”

“Glad you’re okay… Casey… house needs you…” Kelly rasps, barely making a sound as his lips form the words.

“Severide? Man, stay awake,” Casey pleads, and looks to Stella with a panicked gaze.

“He’s okay, Casey,” Stella promises, sliding one hand under Kelly’s neck, and glancing at the monitors that haven’t changed. “He’s just been in and out.”

“Are you sure?” Casey says pensively, rocking the baby in his arms nervously.

“Yes, I’m sure. It’s hard for him to stay awake longer than a couple minutes because of all the medication he’s on,” She explains. She herself had panicked the first time he passed out after a couple minutes of consciousness; she’d been convinced he was about to slip away and die, then Natalie had explained everything to her and promised her wasn’t dying at that very moment.

***

“If you want to get some rest, I can sit awake with him and hold onto the baby,” Matt offers after a long time of both him and Stella sitting in silence. She looks exhausted, more exhausted than he feels, and he’s pretty sure he’d woken her up when he came in the room. She’s had an impossibly long day between the complications with the baby and everything with Severide; he knows how tough Stella is, but he’s still surprised that she’s holding on this well considering her surgery and all the bloodloss.

“I’ll be fine,” she replies, keeping her soft loving gaze on Severide.

“I know you will, but you don’t have to play tough guy here Kidd. You can close your eyes and catch some Zs, and i’ll wake you up if he starts to come too, okay?” Matt promises.

“Matt?” Severide mumbles, getting Matt’s attention and stopping his pacing.

“What's up man?” Casey asking coming back to stand close to the bed. Kelly’s face is scrunched up with pain, but he looks clear headed, the delirious doped up look from earlier is gone.

“Is she awake?” Kelly whispers nodding his head slightly in Stella’s direction.

“No, you want me to wake her up-”

“No!” Severide blurts a little too enthusiastically. “I mean, no. I just want to talk to you…”

“Severide, what’s going on?” Matt asks cautiously and sits down in one of the empty chairs next to the bed. He knows the look in his best friend’s eyes, the hesitation that says all too clearly something’s wrong.

“You’ll take care of them, right?” Kelly asks quietly. Somehow the clarity in his voice is more concerning than his slurred speech from earlier.

“Severide…” Casey begins, but can’t bring himself to finish. This all so wrong. If he promises Kelly he will do it, which he will in a heartbeat, then that only tells him Matt agrees with the doctors’ prognosis. If doesn’t promise him, then that leaves Kelly unassured.

“I mean this is bad, right?” Kelly adds, holding Matt’s gaze for a couple seconds before closing his eyes with a sigh. “I spent my whole life telling myself I wouldn’t become Benny.”

“You’re not, Severide,” Casey says reassuringly. “You’re not.”

“But isn’t this worse?” Kelly asks, opening his eyes again, this time there are tears in them. “I’m still leaving her and my son, Matt… but it’s worse cause I’m not coming back…”

“Kelly, listen to me,” Matt says, stopping him. He’s been around for a lot of Severide’s heartbreak, but he’s never seen him look this miserable before in his life. “What I promised you down in that hole- I meant it. Okay? I’ll take care of them, I promise. But you’ve gotta promise you’ll keep fighting, okay? You’ve come way too far to die now, if you were gonna die it would’ve been in that hole.”

“I’m tired, Matt…”

“You’re not Benny,” Matt says desperately, he can see Severide’s slipping, and not in the way that he had earlier. It’s deeper. “He chose to leave you and your mom when you were little. Leaving was all him, all his choices, but you’re fighting Kelly. You’re trying. This isn’t your fault. You’re not Benny.”

Then Matt does the only thing he can really think to do, and pushes Severide’s son into his arms. Kelly freezes and looks at Matt in surprise before slowly turning his gaze to the baby.

“That’s what you’re fighting for Severide,” Matt says firmly. “I wanna be a dad someday, Kelly. But I don’t want to have to be a dad to your kid. Don’t make me do it, buddy.”

Severide looks up at him with a lost expression but doesn’t say anything and Matt can tell his strength is fading fast.

“Listen, man,” Matt says and squeezes Severide’s shoulder. “You don’t have to stay awake. Me and Stella aren’t going anywhere. You just gotta stay alive, alright? And if that means sleeping for a few days, that’s okay.”

Severide closes his eyes and tucks one hand protectively over the sleeping baby resting on his chest; a slight smile creeps across his scraped up face. “I’m not going anywhere, Matt.”

***

“How’s everyone here doing?” Boden asks, stopping Sylvie on her way back from a coffee for her and Matt.

“They signed Casey’s release paperwork an hour ago, but he’s not going anywhere until Severide is out of the woods,” She replies and sips her much needed coffee. She spent her night in an uncomfortable hospital chair next to what turned out to be Casey’s empty bed, because apparently halfway through the night he got up and snuck off to be with Stella and Severide.

“So Severide is still not doing well?” Boden asks somberly, studying Sylvie.

“He’s still in critical condition, but he’s doing well enough that they took him back into surgery an hour ago-”

“Were there complications?” Boden blurts, interrupting her with an alarmed voice.

“No, there were just a couple things they couldn’t do yesterday because he was so unstable that they’re doing now because he’s improved enough that it’s safe now,” Sylvie explains. She’d been surprised they were doing it this soon and with Severide still in such fragile condition.

“And how’s Stella?”

“This is really hard for her. She spent last night with Severide against doctor’s orders, but they convinced her to go back to bed this morning and gave her some sedatives to help her sleep,” Brett reports. This whole thing has been awful for poor Stella, and she knows her friend is still facing the very possibility that she may have to raise her baby alone, without Kelly. “She’s terrified. She’s scared about losing Kelly, and I think the idea of maybe having to be a single mother is really messing with her.”

Boden sighs and slips his hands into his pockets. “That’s not going to happen. I’ve known Kelly Severide a long time, and he’s too damn stubborn to die.”

“I know, and she knows it too. She’s just scared,” Sylvie replies. “Here, follow me. I’ll take you to her room; I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you when she wakes up.”

“And how are you doing?” Boden asks after they’re a couple steps down the hallway.

“I don’t know, chief. This has been the longest day and night of my life,” She replies sheepishly, hesitant to start spilling her seemingly tiny problems. “My best friend almost died, my boy friend got trapped and almost died, and my best friend’s husband who’s also one of my close friends also almost died… and it’s just a lot to process, you know?”

“Believe me, Brett. I know,” Boden says understandingly and gives her an affirming squeeze on the shoulder.

Sylvie still hasn’t fully recovered from the shock and horror of the previous day, her chest still feels tight every time she tries to breathe, almost like she’s staving off a panic attack. And every time she thinks about what happened, or what almost happened, or even what could still happen, it gets worse, but it’s impossible not to think about. They almost lost three people yesterday, not to mention Ritter and Gallo, who while unsheathed were still in the collapse and also could have easily been killed.

“Look who decided to come in for a visit,” Brett announces quietly as she swings open the door to Stella’s room.

“Hey, chief,” Casey says and stands up as a show of respect.

“Brett told me they signed your release paperwork,” Boden comments as he and the truck captain share a brief embrace.

“Yeah, but I’m sticking around until I know Severide and Stella will be okay,” Casey explains.

“I tried to tell him to go home,” Stella mumbles and sits up a little. She looks groggy and a little bit out of it, most likely from the sedatives the doctors had given her.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Sylvie scolds and sits down on the edge of the bed next to her friend’s legs.

“The doctors are gonna have to give me something a lot stronger if they actually want me to stay asleep while Kelly’s in surgery,” Stella replies, letting her head fall back onto the pillow. No one had forced her into taking the sedatives, they’d simply been offered as means to help her sleep because she wasn’t going to get there on her own, not with how worried she is about Kelly.

“Stella, you need rest,” Sylvie says gently and places her hand on her friend’s leg.

“Not until I know Kelly’s going to be okay,” Stella replies, and Brett knows she means it. When he’s in danger any regard for her own self preservation goes out the window.

“It seems like every time I leave this room and come back there are more people,” Dr. Halstead says, announcing his presence as he comes into the room. “You’re gonna start giving me stage fright.”

“How’s Kelly?” Stella asks, sitting back up.

Will smiles. “I’m happy to report he’s doing better. He’s got a long road to recovery ahead of him, but he really made a turn for the better last night and his surgery went well. He’s in post op right now, and you can go see him soon.”

Sylvie lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, and for the first time since yesterday when the parking garage came down her chest doesn’t feel so tight. Things might actually be okay.

***

"You know, he still needs a name,” Stella ventures, finally breaking the silence of Kelly’s hospital room. They’ve been sitting together in his hospital bed for what seems like hours just happily soaking up each other’s presence and wordlessly admiring their son.

“So you didn’t do everything without me,” Kelly jokes softly and rests his chin on Stella’s head.

Stella smiles and leans into him a little more, after everything the doctors had been saying the night before it’s still hard to believe they’re actually here, together, having this conversation.

“No, I didn’t do everything,” she replies quietly, and runs her fingers through Kelly’s hair. “Just all the hard stuff... This is something that needs to be done together.”

“How do you feel about Andrew?” Kelly asks after a couple seconds of quiet thought.

“After Darden?” Stella asks. She never had the pleasure of meeting Kelly’s childhood best friend, but she’s heard stories and seen his picture on the wall of 51.

“Yeah,” he replies without taking his eyes off their son.

“Casey doesn’t have dibs?” Stella jokes. Andy isn’t talked about a lot, and he really seems to still be a sore spot for the two of them.

“Do you see Casey with a baby?” Kelly asks, sounding amused. “No, Casey doesn’t have dibs on the name.”

“I love it,” Stella says lifting her head off Kelly’s shoulder to kiss him on the cheek before settling back down and letting her gaze fall on the baby cradled between them. “... little Andy.”

A week and a half later….

“Hey, guys let’s go take a ride,” Casey announces, coming into the common room. It’s been a quiet shift, not that he’d ever say it out loud for the emergency gods to hear, and he just got a call from Stella saying the doctors are finally signing Severide’s release papers and he’s going home. He’s not in any condition to be walking yet and he has a long hard road to recovery ahead of him, but being allowed to go home is a positive step in the right direction.

“Where we going?” Gallo asks, swinging his legs off the couch, and sitting upright.

“Severide’s getting released, so we’re going to show our support. Cruz, you guys should come along to,” Casey says. Cruz has been acting Squad lieutenant since the building collapse.

“Absolutely!” Cruz says, already throwing his magazine down on the table and standing up.

“We’re all going,” Herrmann adds, waving for Ritter to get up to, but he hesitates.

“Are you sure he’ll want to see us there?” Ritter asks, glancing around nervously. The young engine recruit always seems to be thinking about things on a much deeper level than the rest of them, and now that the question’s been posed he might have a point.

“Of course he does! Why wouldn’t he?” Herrmann replies, looking at his candidate with confusion, but Matt gets where the kid is coming from.

“I just mean, he got hurt really bad and the doctors said there’s a chance he might not walk again… let alone get cleared for anything other than desk duty. And that’s a lot to face especially for a guy like Severide, and us all showing up in the trucks… I don’t know it seems a little like teasing him or rubbing it in his face,” Ritter says, glancing around at everyone.

“Nonsense,” Herrmann declares. “He’ll be overjoyed to see us. We’re his family! And he’s Severide, he’ll be back on the job lickety split.”

The engine lieutenant throws his arm over Ritter’s shoulders and begins walking him toward the bay. “Anyone ever tell you about the time he broke his neck, and kept working for like months before anyone even figured out it was fractured?”

“That happened?” Ritter asks, sounding baffled.

“Would’ve never guessed it, right?”

Matt frowns and pulls on his jacket as he follows the crews out into the bay. He hadn’t really thought about that take before now, but now that Ritter’s said it… He very well may just be right about it. Matt has dropped in to check on Severide a few times during shift over the past week, and while he always seemed happy enough to see him, he did seem a little standoffish. A little bit like he was trying to be happy to see Matt. Stella had seemed to think having a 51 greeting at the doors when he came out would be a good idea, but Casey’s not so sure now.

“Captain, do you think Ritter was right?” Gallo asks a couple minutes down the road, breaking the silence of the truck ride.

Casey sighs and turns his head to look out the window. “We’re Severide’s family, it’s been that way for a long time. He’ll be happy we’re there.”

Matt decides to believe it, for a lot of them 51 is the most family they’ve ever had, for Severide especially. They are his family, not showing up isn’t an option; the only thing that would do for him is make him think that they’ve given up on him. This way, even if he is a little bitter about seeing them, he’ll still know they have his back, and always will. 51 always shows up for its own, and that’s not changing; Kelly will always be one of them even if he can’t ever return to Squad, and it’s their job to make sure he knows that.

“Don’t stress about it kiddo,” Mouch adds. “Ritter’s just worried.”

***

Casey can see Severide do a double take as Stella wheels him outside through the double doors of the hospital then he chuckles to himself and shakes his head. He doesn’t seem at all upset by their presence, and not really surprised either.

“Hey man,” Matt says, taking a few steps toward Kelly. It’s weird not seeing him leaving on his feet, and it’s even weirder how fragile and vulnerable he seems. “We’re here to help you bust out of this joint.”

“You guys didn’t have to do all this,” Severide says, ducking his head almost like he’s embarrassed.

“What are you talking about lieutenant, of course we did,” Cruz says, giving him a pat on the shoulder as he joins Matt next to Severide. “We wouldn’t have missed being here for you, for the world.”

Severide shakes his head a little and looks up at them with a nervous grin. “You guys really didn’t have to. I’m just going home…”

“Yeah, understatement of the year. You’re going home after a close brush with death. You’re crazy if you thought we wouldn’t be here for you,” Casey replies. “We’re all here and we’re all rooting for you. You’ll be good as new and back on the job in no time.”

“Yeah…” Severide mutters, not seeming convinced of anything, and avoids eye contact with Matt. He scratches the back of his head awkwardly. “Look guys, thanks for coming but I’m kind of ready to be home, so uhh…”

“Yeah of course,” Matt says and casts his glance to Stella who’s looking at Kelly with a mix of concern and confusion before she catches Matt looking at her and gives him a little apologetic shrug.

“Then let’s get you home, Kelly,” Stella says and squeezes his shoulder, before wheeling him off toward the parking lot. She throws a grateful smile in their direction as they go.

“Well, worse things have happened,” Mouch says as soon as they're out of earshot.

“Really?” Casey says turning around to face Mouch. It had really gone much better than he expected, and really it hadn’t actually gone that badly, Severide is just not ready to see them all yet.

Mouch shrugs innocently.

“I’m going to go check on him after shift,” Casey says decidedly before giving the signal for them to pile back onto the trucks and head for 51.

***

“Hey Kelly, Matt’s here,” Stella calls to Kelly, but he barely even registers it; he hadn’t even realized someone was knocking at the door. It’s been almost two weeks since the building collapse and everything still seems to be passing by in a dream like haze. There are sometimes he’s not entirely convinced he ever made it out and that this isn’t all just a dream. The only thing that feels solid and real is the baby, he’s like the anchor point keeping Kelly tethered to reality.

“Tell him to come on in,” Kelly replies without thinking about the response. He’s not really up for a visit from anyone from 51 and he doesn’t want Casey’s pity. He’s perfectly happy for it to just be him, Stella and little baby Andy.

“You want a beer?” Casey offers, setting a six pack down on the coffee table in front of Severide.

“Uh, can’t. It won’t mix with the pain meds,” Kelly says, avoiding eye contact with Casey. He can practically feel the pitying look.

“Right, should’ve thought of that. How are you doing, man?” Matt asks, his voice tinged with concern.

“I don’t know, like I got a building dropped on me a week ago,” Kelly shrugs and leans his head against the back of the couch. He wishes there were a way to politely tell Casey to go away.

“Sorry if we overstepped yesterday,” Casey ventures after a couple seconds of awkward silence. “It was my idea-”

“Nah man,” Severide interrupts him, and finally finds it in himself to look Matt in the eyes. “I appreciated it, sorry if it seemed like I didn’t. It was just a lot, you know?”

“Yeah,” Matt agrees with a grim smile. “We just wanted you to know we’ve got your back and that no injury is going to change that. You’re family, man, and we’re all rooting for you to come back.”

Kelly ducks his head; going back to squad has only briefly crossed his mind in passing, but it’s not something he’s given any serious thought to. It used to be his life and the only thing that mattered him. But that was before he held his son in his arms, and now that tiny child is it. As long as he has him and Stella, he doesn’t need squad.

“You’re thinking about retirement,” Casey breathes and struggles to keep his shock off his face.

“I don’t know, Matt,” Kelly replies honestly. “Almost dying and then holding my newborn kid in my arms… it puts things into perspective. I almost missed that, Matt; and don’t want to miss anything, not a single ball game or practice.”

Casey studies him, eyebrows furrowed. “Coming back isn’t going to make you Benny, Severide.”

“This isn’t about Benny, Matt,” Severide snaps. “This is about me and my son and me wanting to be there for him, because it’s what I want, and it’s what he needs.”

“I’m just saying, don’t quit or give up on anything until you’re sure-”

“You think this is me giving up because I got a little banged up on that call? Really?”

“No,” Matt says, trying to dig himself out of the hole he’s rapidly digging himself deeper into. “I just want you to be sure, and I’ll support you no matter what you decide. So will everyone else at 51. Neither of us are as young as we once were, and this has been a reality check for sure.”

“Sorry I jumped down your throat,” Kelly mumbles. Part of him had been geared up to fight Matt on this and even expected to have to; he really wasn’t expecting this side of things.

“It’s okay, Kelly. And if you want to quit and live your life with your family, that’s more than okay. You deserve some rest and peace,” Matt says looking him in the eye. “And you took a big hit.”

“Thanks, Casey. And uh… this conversation stays between us, okay?” Kelly says; Matt seems to get it, but he’s not entirely sure everyone else will and he doesn’t need the entirety of 51 coming to his house one by one to try to talk him into coming back. He wants to make his own choice without everyone else's opinions getting thrown into the mix- the already very confusing mix.

“Of course,” Casey says without hesitation.

“I’m serious Matt. I know how things go in the firehouse, but this needs to stay between us.”

“I know. It will. I won’t tell anyone,” Casey promises. “You seem like you still have a lot of thinking to do about this, and I know how it can be having everyone at the house offering their opinions.”

“Thanks, Casey,” Kelly says, but seriously doubts this is going to stay under wraps for long. Casey will probably tell Brett just because he confides in her about everything, she’ll tell Mackie because with hours of nothing to do on ambo it’s bound to come up. Mackie will tell Gallo who will tell Ritter who will then tell Herrmann, and then Herrmann will tell everyone.

“But you have talked to Stella about this, right?” Matt asks, lowering his voice.

“Yes, we’ve talked about it. She likes the idea of not having to hire a babysitter,” Kelly replies. Her babysitter jab had been a joke and her attempt at making light of things. Then she’d told him the choice was his and that she’d support him no matter what he decided.

“So she’s coming back?” Casey asks slowly.

Kelly snorts; it doesn’t even seem like a question that needs asking… but then again him wanting to try to come back probably didn’t seem like it needed to be asked either. “Yeah, as soon as they clear her for duty she said she wants to go back. So you don’t have to worry about finding a new recruit.”

“And how do you feel about that?” Casey asks.

“Like I’m going to be Andy’s favorite parent,” Kelly jokes. In truth he’ll worry, like he always does, but Stella’s a great firefighter and she loves her job, he’d never ask her to give that up… he’d never even want to ask her to give it up. He’s glad one of them is decided about their future with the CFD.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Broken Like Me: The Party

Summary: Dean and the reader attend his agency’s annual party where they run into a not so friendly face...

Masterlist

Pairing: Model!Dean x reader

Word Count: 2,700ish

Warnings: language, small fight

A/N: Enjoy!...

_____

“Wow,” said Dean as you stepped out of the hotel bathroom. “Wow, sweetheart.”

“Is it bad?” you asked. He shook his head and stepped over with a big smile.

“It’s amazing. You look beautiful and hot and sexy and I just want to take that dress right off of you,” he chuckled.

“Considering the amount of time Carla spent finding this for me, I think she’d kill you,” you said. “How’s my back look?”

“As beautiful as the rest of you,” he said, touching a hand to your bare skin. It was an open back dress and far more risqué than you had any right to be wearing. Dean trailed his fingers over the faded scars covering the skin there. “I packed the emergency dress just in case.”

“Thank you,” you said with a smile. “But I’m okay. I love this dress and if your model friends have a problem with my scars, then fuck them.”

“That’s my girl,” he said, kissing your cheek. “I can’t wait to show you off.”

“Or we could skip this agency party thing and go to a nice dinner instead and then come back here and get naked?” you said.

“That is incredibly tempting but we flew all the way out here for Carla,” he said.

“I know,” you sighed.

“It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Y/N, is that you?” said Carla when you got to the party. “Dean must be drooling.”

“Yes, he is,” you laughed, getting a hug from her, Dean getting his own.

“How you doing babe? Getting along with your parents? That goes for both of you,” she said.

“Yes, mom,” teased Dean. “It’s been pretty good. Y/N’s parents gave her her trust fund back. With interest.”

“To which we promptly decided to leave it be for kids and future weddings and all that stuff. Dean and I have plenty between our jobs,” you said.

“Well I’ve never worried about you two and money. So you’re doing better with your parents still?” asked Carla.

“Yeah. It’s a little awkward sometimes still. They grovel a little bit,” you said.

“They’re trying their best,” said Dean. “Excuse me ladies, I think I see a friend over there.”

“How’s he and his dad really doing? It’s like pulling teeth sometimes,” she said.

“John is going to Dr. Bram every other week,” you said.

“Really?”

“Yeah. John’s got a whole bunch of crap he’s gone through apparently. He’s still not a fan of going but he does it for Dean,” you said.

“It sounds like things are calming down for you two finally,” she said.

“Hopefully. We could do with some quiet,” you said.

“I take it you haven’t started wedding planning yet then,” she teased.

“My mom is looking at professional planners for us so that’s a joy,” you said.

“Want me to say anything?” she asked.

“No mom,” you laughed. “I’ll calm her down if she gets too wound up. Dean and I love each other. There’s no need to rush into a wedding.”

“A wedding is honestly just another day in your relationship, sweetie. It’s a very happy day where you celebrate your love for each other with friends and family. But in the end, it’s a day. You love him and the babe is head over heels in love with you. You’re young. Take the time to make it what you want it to be,” she said.

“Do you think I’ll ever get to the point where my mom would say something like that?” you asked.

“I think so. Dean and his father...I thought about coming to pay John a visit more than once and give him a piece of my mind. But now, they seem to be healing that relationship. I’m sure if you’re patient with them, you’ll get there.”

“I hope so,” you said.

“Well when I met you, you never would have been caught dead in a dress like that,” she said. “I think you got this.”

“Well the scars on my face and arms and chest are gone,” you said.

“Your back is actually not what I was expecting,” she said.

“I got a better scar cream,” you smiled. “A whole lot cheaper than laser surgery.”

“Dean ever offer to pay? He can plenty afford it,” she said.

“He brings it up now and again. He makes so much he doesn’t need. He just puts it out there that he would help if I choose to get rid of the rest,” you said. “A majority of the time though, the only person who ever seems them is Dean though so it doesn’t matter. I tell him to put the money towards something he wants.”

“Looks like what he wants right now is you to come save him,” she said, Dean looking like he was pleading with you to get over there. You walked over with a smile, Dean easing a little as you stopped at his side.

“So is this the farm girl that you gave up Calvin Klein for?” said a guy in a white suit, the other guy with them walking away.

“Down girl,” said Dean when you opened your mouth. “This is Kyle.”

“I think she was ready to tear my throat out,” laughed Kyle. “Nice to finally meet you.”

“Dean doesn’t speak kindly of many of his model friends. But Kyle Kendricks is always okay with me,” you said.

“I told you I’d win her over,” said Kyle.

“Yeah well you’re a loser so it’s not too hard,” chuckled Dean.

“I don’t think those pictures Dean posts of you did you justice, Y/N,” he said.

“Always a suck up,” you said. “Hey, how’d that shoot for the baby food go?”

“Didn’t happen. Super weird. I was ready to sign the contract and everything and apparently the owners themselves said they got somebody else in mind,” he said.

“Was it Gerber?” asked Dean.

“Nah, the other one,” he said. “I don’t have the new dad look they were going for.”

“Considering you do alcohol commercials, probably not,” teased Dean. 

“You been keeping him out of trouble lately?” asked Kyle.

“I do my best...unless of course I’m the one causing it.”

“You should come visit us sometime. We got great barbecue,” said Dean.

“I’m on a diet,” grumbled Kyle.

“Why?” you asked. 

“Calvin Kline contract is going up soon. Michael Reyburn is apparently more trouble than he’s worth,” said Kyle. Dean nodded and Kyle gave him a smile. “Dude I know it was your gig and-“

“I had it for all of five seconds,” he said. “It’s a lot of money if you can swing it. Just be careful bud.”

“Maybe I’ll stick with beer,” he said, getting a tap on the shoulder from a man. “I’ll talk to you guys later.”

“The way you described him you would think the man has a pocket protector and grandpa pants,” you said.

“Kyle’s a nerd. We always stuck together. That other guy was Jack Bilson. He’s besties with Reyburn so-“

“Also a dick. Good to know,” you said. “So how long do we have to be here?”

“An hour tops. I promise.”

“Well hello,” said a deep voice. You spun around from where you were eating a tiny piece of lobster on a cracker, the man chuckling at you. “That is a hell of a dress.”

“Thanks,” you said, your mouth full.

“You’re Dean Winchester’s charity case, right? Or maybe he’s yours.”

“I can see why they’re going with another model, Michael. Must be pretty hard to fill out those shorts with what you’re packing,” you said, getting a few laughs out of people close by.

“Sweetie you ought to see what a real man is like.”

“Then why the hell am I talking to you?”

“Never been with someone who looks like they beat a lawnmower in a fight,” he said. You smiled and glanced down, grabbing another snack and popping it in your mouth. “Do you ever stop eating?”

“Michael. Try therapy for why ever it is you’re so angry and leave me and Dean the Hell alone,” you said.

“Said the freak show,” he said.

“Reyburn,” said Dean as he came over, stepping in front of you. 

“Oh look, fatty’s here,” he said. Dean clenched his fist and you stood between them.

“Kindly apologize and leave,” you said.

He started to laugh and you got in his face.

“I literally pulled myself from a burning car only to then find myself bleeding out on the side of the road. You know what you do when that happens, Michael? You make a decision and I made the decision to shove my own fingers inside my rib cage to squeeze an artery shut. Do you know how much that hurts, Michael? Do you know what it’s like to sit there, putting yourself in excruciating pain just so you have a chance at living? No. No you don’t. I am very good at dealing with shit and that includes you. Now apologize, please, and stay away from him. Or else.”

“I see who wears the pants in the relationship,” said Kyle.

“I see who isn’t in a relationship,” you said. Michael narrowed his eyes and stormed off. You ate another cracker, turning to Dean. “This is so good. You got to try it.”

“You never talk about your accident,” he said.

“Because I don’t remember half of it,” you said. “Come on. He’s a douchebag. I want to go dance with my very handsome fiancé.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“I am so glad to be out of there,” you said when you were back in the hotel room.

“Remind me not to accept next year,” he said, shrugging out of his suit jacket and heading straight into the bathroom.

“You alright?” you called as you stepped out of your heels. You didn’t hear anything and undressed, walking into the bathroom naked and taking your hair out of its bun. “Mr. Winchester…”

“What?” he said grumpily before he spun around.

“What’s wrong, De?” you asked. He looked you over and rested his hand on your right side, tracing over the long scar there.

“You’re beautiful and I can’t defend you because I’m...this,” he said, glancing down at his body.

“I don’t need a man to defend me. He was bullying me and my best friend. I will always stand up for us,” you said. “My handsome and healthy soon to be husband.”

“Why would you even want me?” he asked.

“Because I love you,” you hummed, giving him a smile. He rolled his eyes and turned away.

“I’m gonna shower. You mind?” he asked.

“Alright,” you sighed. You left and went back to the bedroom, changing into a pair of shorts and one of his shirts. You flipped through the room service menu and ordered some fries and a brownie, listening for Dean to be done with his shower.

When it was still going by the time the food got there though, you went back in.

“Dean. I ordered a late night snack if you want some,” you said.

“I’m not hungry, sweetheart,” he said. You sighed and opened up the steamed up shower door. “What the hell?”

“It has been an hour. You never take showers this long unless you’re upset,” you said.

“I’m not upset,” he said. You stared at him and he groaned, turning off the water. He brushed past you for his towel and you rolled your eyes, going back to the room and nibbling at the food. He didn’t say anything as he came in a minute later, taking his clothes with him to the bathroom to change.

“Since when are we shy in front of each other?” you asked. Dean shook his head and went over to his suitcase, folding his suit nicely. “Silent treatment, very mature.”

“What is your problem? I want to be left alone,” he said, shoving the suit down.

“Tough shit,” you said as you knelt up on the bed. “I care about you and right now, I get the feeling I care a hell of a lot more about you than you do yourself so until further notice, I’m in charge.”

“You’re in charge? Of what?” he scoffed.

“Get in the bed.”

“Make me.”

You stared at him, Dean crossing his arms. You stood up and walked over to him, getting in his face.

“You gonna push me?”

“If you don’t want to talk then at the very least you can indulge me and go lay down on the damn bed,” you said.

He glanced down and went back to his suit, fixing it before he went to a side of the bed and sat down. You went right next to him, Dean stiff until you shifted behind him, wrapping your legs and arms around him.

“What are you doing?”

“Hugging you,” you mumbled against his shoulder.

“Do you remember that night I missed our date? I went to Dr. Bram’s and was a complete mess?” he asked.

“I remember you had a bad night,” you said. He put one of his hands over yours and held onto your arms.

“Part of that night was because of the model that got the contract after me. Reyburn. He made some nasty comments. I thought I was over it but apparently not,” he said.

“Dean. Yes, Michael Reyburn is a physically fit person and yes he is physically attractive. He’s also a horribly ugly person. He’s disgusting and mean. You on the other hand are the kind of person that made someone like me, someone so beaten down from a lifetime of crap, feel happy and beautiful and loved. You’re the most attractive person I’ll ever meet, Dean. The way you look on the outside, everything else, that’s just a bonus, De.”

He looked over his shoulder at you, peeling your arms away so he could turn and kiss you.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“S’okay,” you said. You ran your fingers through his short strands, Dean curling into the touch. “They had cheese fries. I got them just for you.”

“I really should watch what I eat,” he said.

“You had a salad for lunch and we skipped dinner. I say it’s okay, Dean,” you said. “It’s got bacon-“

“That should have been your opener, sweetheart,” he chuckled. You gave him another kiss and hug before you let him go to the table and bring over the food. “I’m sorry Michael was such a pig to you.”

“Well he sounds like he has his own issues to work out,” you said. “Forget him. I also had a great idea while you were in the shower.”

“What’s that?”

“Instead of flying home, want to do a road trip? Hit up some of those places you see on the food channel on our way back?” you asked.

“So no flight and awesome food? I’m sold,” he said. “What about work?”

“I have a lot of unused vacation time. It’ll be fun. We’ve both been busy lately,” you said. “What do you say?”

“I say I’m going to marry a little genius,” he said. He kissed your nose and started to eat, the two of you quiet for a while, your head leaning on his shoulder when you finished. “Y/N.”

“Mhm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean.”

______

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Medical Instruction Vd 1″

First day back at school, so forgive me for being short :) 

“Before we get started, I just wanted to make sure that it is known that all parties involved in these videos have agreed to let me use their footage for training purposes, though they may not be used for anything else in accordance with Human Medical Privacy Laws. These tapes will go directly to the intergalactic college of interspecies biology and medicine. Those who are found to use this footage in any way contrary to its original purpose will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law”

-

The camera turns on shaking form side to side over the floor spinning quickly from the right and then to the left before finally leveling out on an image of a hallway. The Vrul scuttles along the floor with great purpose small fleet clattering against the cold metal. He turns to look at the camera, “I just got a call up the Medical bay for a human in significant respiratory distress also complaining of chest pain, so we are going to head up there and see what is going on. Now I have been the operational medical officer aboard this ship for a while now, and I have seen almost everything there is to see. Doing medicine for humans is…. Well it’s a wild ride simply because of their combination of durability and breakability. They break horribly easily and in horrific ways, but are able to live through it when they do, and that leaves it up to the medical staff to make sure that they  are quickly treated so that the shock of their injuries doesn’t send them down the road of you know…. Not being alive.”

They hurried up a hallway following after the little doctor pausing for a few seconds before the medical bay doors which opened with a hiss. A wave of sound washes over the camera, people talking and someone breathing rather heavily. The camera pans up to show a group of humans gathered around a third sitting on the edge of one of the hospital beds. They are breathing fast and heavy a hand on their chest eyes wide panicked.

The crowd opens up as the little doctor walks in.

“What do we have?”

“30 year old male with racing heart, difficulty breathing, tingling hands, dizziness, and chest pain.”

The human was breathing even harder now looking around frantically, “I….I….I’m dying….. I think I’m having a heart attack…..I can’t breathe.”

“Alright, let’s get an EKG going first thing.” The little doctor gets to work very quickly all four arms working as he begins to speak, “Now the obvious worry here is the case of chest pain, which in humans can be an indication of a heart attack. Now the heart is a very major organ in a human, and acts as a pump to move blood around the body. The blood contains oxygen and infection fighting cells etc. With a heart attack one of those little vessels in the organ is blocked, usually by plaque or fatty deposits causing death in parts of the heart muscle. Now this human is generally too young and too fit for any of that to happen…” He turns to the human, “Is there a history of heart attack or heart disease in your family?”

The human shakes their head.

“Has this every happened to you before?”

Another head shake.

The doctor ripped off a couple of sticky white circles and attached them to the human’s chest, “Now this will give us a good look of what is going on in there.” There was a pause for a minute as they continued working.

The doctor glanced at the instruments once the information began coming in, “Alright, so this is good news, the heart IS beating fast, but there does not appear to be any blockage, and it is not fast enough to be considered tachycardia. Also their blood oxygen level is within acceptable range meaning that it isn’t likely to be some other issue. Now that leaves our post likely option as being a panic attack.”

He walked over to the human to get their attention, “Do you have a history of anxiety disorder in your family?”

“A few …. Uncles.” He panted, “But it has to be…. A heart attack.”

“Well your heart is actually fine. I think in this case you ARE having a panic attack, now you are alright, this can happen to anyone not just people with a disorder, ok. Now just humor me, and I and I want you to take in one big breath counting to seven, hold it for five and then blow out at five seconds.” The human looked very skeptical, but at the order of the doctor they began.

He left the instruction to one of the other attendees, “You see, this is actually quite common in humans. Emotional functions are very closely intertwined with their physical functions mostly due to their greatly superior fight or flight mechanism. Humans have a very quick physical reaction to panic that causes the heart to beat faster, digestion to shut down and the pupils to dilate. The breathing will also speed up as you have seen. The problem is the human body reacts to the stress of being chased by a predator in the same way it reacts to, social stress, or an approaching deadline.

In this cause stress, and an elevated heart rate could have trigged a panic attack, where the body is having these physical symptoms despite the brain, and now they are trying to figure out an explanation. They generally assume they are having a heart attack or that something else horrible is about to happen, even if it is not.

He turned back to check on the human, whose heart rate had gone down a bit. They were looking a little better, but there still seemed to be a way to go.

“We are just going to have him continue this breathing exercise which is designed to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and calm down the feelings of anxiety and panic. I always find it interesting that the one thing that makes humans the best and dealing with extreme stress, is also the one thing that makes them crumble under more mild states of stress.

***

“So we have been called in again this time, we have a 25 year old male presenting with, extreme abdominal pain, vomiting, nausea, and a low grade fever.” The doctor walked in wearing more protective gear than he had last time. The camera pans up to another human lying on one of the beds curled into a ball moaning, face screwed up in pain, hands clutched around his middle rocking slowly back and forth in a writhing sort of way. One of the other doctors had placed a metal bowl by the human’s head as they groaned.

The doctor moved forward and had the human roll onto his back, though the human did not seem as if he wanted to. The alien doctor listened to the human’s innards, and then began lightly pressing on the abdominal cavity. As soon as he did, the human yelped in pain and curled up again looking as if he was about to be sick.

“Abdominal pain in the lower right quadrant, I would wager to say this is probably a case of appendicitis.” The doctor motioned for one of the orderlies to grab a machine and roll it over, “Now the human appendix is a part of the intestines that was long thought to be useless or a vestigial structure that humans used more when they had to clear large amounts of plant material through their digestive tract. In many cases it acts as a blind pocket that sometimes collects bacteria and then becomes inflamed. You CAN fix it with antibiotics, but the general consensus is removal.” He pulled the machine into position, using a short wand covered in cold gel to pass over the human’s skin just above the problem spot.

“Ah, just like I thought, you see that right there.” He pointed to the screen, “This right here is the inflammation being caused by the infection, and the reason that the human is going to be in so much pain right now. I would suggest at this point that we just go in and remove it with a simple laparoscopic appendectomy. As far as procedures goes, this one is actually relatively easy and should take no more than a few minutes for me to perform.  Now before you go questioning me about the time frame for this surgery, I do remind you that I am the most experienced surgeon in the galaxy. I guarantee the prep for this surgery will take longer than my ability to actually preform it.”

The human groaned.

“Don’t worry, we will have you fixed up almost immediately.”

***

“I find that there are a few general things you want to look for when treating humans. The first big one is energy level. Your average human is going to be very…. Sharp you will see it in the eye and head movements, they will, or should be very energetic with their head and arm movements, especially around the chest and shoulders. Humans like using their hands to talk. A lot of the time you can tell something is wrong with a human when they are listless and slow to respond. You may see their eyes wandering and they won’t focus on you, now some humans behave that way, but your average human will generally try to make eye contact with you at some point. Watch to make sure they are supporting their own heads, or does it seem to be bobbing or tilting in one way or another. A few other things is a general change in appetite from what is considered usual. A stressed or sick human may eat too little or too much. If your human appears confused or is having trouble answering simple questions, you will want to check them over straight away. As I said before, a sick human might appear listless, lethargic, they will tend to sleep a lot, and they may be irritable. I would make it a point to warn most students about that fact when dealing with humans, sometimes in cases of serious injury  humans tend to act in anger to pain, so they might try to fight you off or to get away, especially if the pain is really bad, they are sort of resorting back to their more baser instincts. Occasionally you may have to strap them down, or even sedate them , while there are a few humans who like comfort when they are in pain, there is a large group of them who do not like to be touched or talked to when they are. I would say that is also an important thing to note, both psychological and physical pain can cause a human to isolate themselves form you, so just make sure you are watching for those signs because they can be indicators that something is seriously wrong.”

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #19- Ambulon and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

We got a major reveal at the end of last issue, and now it’s time to put the rest of the pieces together so we can finally understand the mystery that is the Ultra Magnus situation.

So back when Magnus’ seemingly lifeless body stole a shuttle, fucked off into space and landed on the moon, Tyrest was there to greet him.

And by “greet him”, I mean punch through the windshield and carry him bridal style, as if he weighed no more than a baby bird, into his moon base.

Pharma did his thing with his crazy new hands, Magnus was saved, and he woke up shortly after his lifesaving operation. Then Tyrest punched Magnus in the face, because fuck the healing process. He’s an engineer, not a doctor, he doesn’t deal with the SOUL and FEELINGS or anything like that.

In the here and now, Rodimus is still trying to comprehend the fact that his SIC isn’t dead, and is also actually another, much smaller guy with a mustache. Minimus Ambus attempts to explain just what the hell is going on, and we get back to our flashback.

After some good old-fashioned face violence, Tyrest showed Magnus around the place, specifically the terminal he’d set up for his on-the-fly, real-time law amending. With how many war crimes the Cybertronian race has committed in the last several million years, I’m sure it was needed.

Dang, wonder who pissed off Big Brother.

Magnus is more concerned about how it is exactly he isn’t dead right now, and also why his boss looks like a swiss cheese party platter.

Turns out that Tyrest isn’t actually mad at Magnus, just disappointed. He went and read his diary while the operation was happening, and in the 18 months that the Knight Quest has been running, Tyrest has deemed the work done to be unsatisfactory. Instead of arresting criminals, Magnus had been handling infractions so minor, most people wouldn’t have even noticed them. Tyrest doesn’t know where he went wrong.

Well, Tyrest, it was probably the anxiety that manifested itself as OCD, because you picked someone without factoring what the end of the war might do to them. Magnus needs structure to flourish, and if he cannot find it, he will make it himself. I mean, look at all this:

No wonder he was struggling on the chaos engine that is the Lost Light.

Still, Tyrest wants nothing to do with someone who’s cracked under the pressure (lack of pressure?) and the deal was that Magnus only got to be Magnus if he did what Tyrest wanted. Tyrest divests him with the literal push of a button.

Good grief, he’s naked!

As Minimus Ambus mourns over the loss of his stature, both literal and position-wise, we get back to the present, in a double-page spread no less, as Minimus tells everyone about the storied history of the Magnus Armor. Ultra Magnus was originally an actual person, but then he died, and Tyrest was kind of bummed out about that, so he decided to make up a lie (lying, while perhaps morally dubious is not illegal, so he’s allowed to do that) that Magnus faked his death, and then built the armor. There were at least a few wearers of the armor prior to Minimus, some of who were even known by the other crew members. Whenever someone got offed, their hand would spasm and press a recall button in their palm, which would bring the Magnus Armor, and the dead body inside, back to Tyrest.

You can tell he’s still real shaken up about losing the Magnus Armor, because he’s truncating his words. Poor guy.

Minimus asks what exactly happened after he got stabbed, seeing as he was too busy dying to really pay attention to the Overlord plot. Rodimus tells him it’s been handled. Brainstorm jumps in, wanting to know about the other things on Minimus’ resume, which leads into Minimus revealing the fact that he is a Point One Percenter, and something known as a Load Bearer. Load Bearers circumvent that niggling little issue that we saw presented in the “Shadowplay” arc, where spark strain due to not being able to handle a different frame type would outright kill you. Minimus doesn’t have that problem.

Tailgate wants to know how exactly it is that Minimus isn’t dead, seeing as he was clearly on his way out prior to his grand theft auto. Tailgate may have a personal interest in that sort of information, what with still being terminal and all.

Everyone’s real handsy this issue.

Minimus lets Tailgate know that Tyrest’s medical equipment is off the hook, and we get a reminder that Tailgate’s got basically a day left to live. Harsh, Roberts.

Back in Minimus’ flashback, Tyrest sort-of apologizes for punching him in the face, and laments on the loss of one of his greatest Enforcers of the Tyrest Accord.

Oh, so you DID know that this was a possibility, and instead of ordering your subordinate to go make that follow-up appointment with the only therapist on Cybertron- which, while being borderline sectioning, would have at least kept Minimus from sending emails to Rodimus about how he was spiraling- you just let it happen. The Vector Sigma pulse wave went all over the galaxy, there’s zero possibility you didn’t hear about the end of the war before Magnus loaded up on the Lost Light and didn’t call for a year and a half.

Anyway, so Tyrest’s got a new Enforcer lined up, seeing as he’s going to retire the Magnus Armor after all the shenanigans Minimus got dragged through while wearing it. Let’s see what we’re working with.

I thought we were supposed to have separation of church and state, what the hell?

In the present, Rodimus has questions, mainly about why there are so many people in this prison cell. Minimus admits that he asked to be put in here, to try and prove Rodimus and friends’ innocence on the charge of harboring a criminal, by recording their conversation and proving that they had no idea what SKIDS deal was.

Yep, Skids did a bad, and Tyrest wants him in jail.

Minimus also drops the bomb that everyone else in this cell is going to get he death penalty for that whole “crimes against creation” thing. I mean, all Tyrest has to do is wait for a little while and Tailgate will be dealt with, no sweat.

Minimus pulls a device out of his hip compartment, uses it to disrupt the electro-bars of the cell (it’s cool, he was an undercover cop for this whole thing and can therefore break out of prison without it being a crime), and goes to have a chat with his boss about all the weird new stuff he’s shoved into the Autobot Code in the last year and a half. Rodimus doesn’t really want him to leave, but there’s no time for that, because the cell just got a little more full.

Uh oh, Swerve’s badge has gone missing again. Rung, why don’t you slap yours on his crotch, that way Minimus won’t try to murder him when he gets back?

While this is happening, Whirl and Cyclonus are standing on the rim of a smelting pool, absolutely not having a dick measuring contest.

Luna 1 said Bi Rights.

There’s a structure built over the pool that looks an awful lot like living quarters, but is probably actually a prison that violates the Geneva convention. Whirl suggests they find some weapons and go hog-wild, but Cyclonus is more concerned about finding something. When Whirl asks what in the hell he could possibly be looking for in this sort of crisis, Cyclonus turns into a moody teenager.

Well, at least he’s respecting Tailgate’s wish to keep his looming demise under wraps. Not that Cyclonus tells anyone anything anyway.

Over in the Luna 1 medibay, Ratchet is being subjected to having his very fucking soul threatened with a paring knife. Pharma’s having what probably an inappropriate amount of fun, especially since he’s realized that Ratchet took his goddamn hands after the shitshow that was Delphi.

It turns out that every single piece of tech that Ultra Magnus ever repossessed is floating around on Luna 1, even the stuff that really ought to have been destroyed. This is why they were able to save Magnus from certain death at the start of the issue. Somehow I’m not surprised that Tyrest kept all those toys for himself. Corruption of an authority figure? In my Cybertronian Justice System? It’s more likely than you think.

Some of the little art quirks in MTMTE are added in by Milne- see Brainstorm holding any handgun ever if you’d like an example- but I know for a FACT that Pharma humping Ratchet’s headless body was specified by Roberts.

Ratchet, unimpressed and likely mildly queasy by the display going on before him, proposes that Pharma’s afraid of failure, which is why he hasn’t taken his hands back. Pharma disagrees, and a wager is set to see who the better doctor is- winner gets to keep the hands.

Over with the fly boys, alarms are going off in a deserted building, as Whirl struggles to open a door with his claws. Cyclonus takes over on door duty, and asks why Whirl hasn’t gotten his shit fixed yet.

Whirl’s worried that if he gets help for his trauma, he’s going to lose a huge part of himself as a person, and then where will he be? Of course, he says it in a much more Whirly fashion, full of vitriolic self-blame, but reading between the lines is fun. Whirl fires the “let’s get into each other’s personal issues even though both of us hate talking about ourselves and also each other” missile right back at Cyclonus. He wants to know about Cyclonus’ facial situation.

Cyclonus doesn’t like this question.

Then he gets stabbed with a sword.

Back with the docs, it’s apparently much later, as Ratchet’s just woken up from surgery and has a body again. He gets up from the operating table and finds that Pharma’s gone ahead with setting up their gentleman’s wager.

First Aid seems less than pleased with the current situation. Ambulon’s arms are long as hell in this panel, and he doesn’t seem entirely present in the moment. Maybe he’s practicing Rungian Re-Experience Therapy.

Pharma wants to cut both of the boys in half to see who can put the pieces together back the fastest. Ratchet tries to deescalate the situation, because he’s usually pretty good at it, but Pharma’s set on using his chainsaw attachment on someone today.

Ratchet attempts to console his coworkers, saying that their Springer-on-Pova treatment be over soon, and they’ll get a nice lollipop at the end for being such brave little robots.

Then Pharma cuts Ambulon in half, in a way that Ratchet hadn’t accounted for.

We’re gonna need a little more than some bandaids and a kiss to make it feel better for this one. It’s amazing what censorship laws will let you get away with when the blood isn’t red.

Speaking of blood, Cyclonus is more or less okay with being stabbed, because Whirl did him a solid and chopped his assailant in half- lengthways- with a super sweet sword he found in the armory they just opened up. Cyclonus pulls the blade out of his midriff and we finally find out what happened to the Circle of Light.

Back in the prison cell, Perceptor’s been given the job of doctor, even though Rung, Swerve, and Chromedome are all here and at least somewhat closer to being general practice doctors than our science sniper.

Seems like Swerve filled everyone in on the situation on the Lost Light off-panel, which is good, because they’ve been in the dark up to this point.

Chromedome hypothesizes that the reason Skids is a wanted man has to do with that mysterious gun he was holding when he fell out of the sky all the way back in issue #2. This is the point where Skids wakes up from his stabbing and admits that this is probably what happened, even though he still has no recollection of ever stealing the gun or even it existing up until he entered the story, but he apologizes for the trouble anyway.

Shh.  Someone’s coming down the corridor. It’s Star Saber, and he’s brought yet another prisoner to stuff in this cell.

And there’s something else. Can you hear it?

Is… is that music?

Are those the beginning synth riffs of “Tainted Love" by Soft Cell?

Over with Minimus, we’re treated to a taste of Tyrest’s personal brand of disinterest, then get a quick run-down of the birds and the bees. The forging process is a little more convoluted than originally implied, needing Primus to send out a pulse wave through Vector Sigma in order for the Hot Spots to be ignited.

Then the pulse waves started to slow down, Nova Prime had a little freak out, and cold construction was invented to prevent the Cybertronian race from becoming an endangered species.

Minimus of course knows all of this, because he, like basically half of the cast of MTMTE, is old as shit. What he DOESN’T know is that cold construction isn’t managed the way that anyone thought that it was, because there was a government coverup going on about the whole thing. You don’t splice sparks to make a new one, you use the Matrix to create new life.

I know, it’s crazy.

Tyrest was on the team that fiddled around with the Matrix until it started spitting out robot zygotes, and he’s now convinced that they bled the Matrix dry. Nobody tell him what happened to the thing after the war ended.

Wait. If the pulse waves have stopped, and the Matrix is busted beyond repair, doesn’t that mean they can’t make any more Transformers? Once they finish up on their stockpile of sparks, that’s it. No more. The Transformers are a protected species now, we’ve got to treat them like giant pandas.

One of his team members stole the Matrix and hid it in the black market, so its strange, mystical baby powers could never be used again. Except someone obviously found it later on, because we have half of it on the Lost Light. Minimus isn’t sure why any of this is actually relevant to the current situation, or why Tyrest feels guilty about pulling a Eugenesis Fulcrum and finding out where babies come from.

Tyrest is convinced that by draining the Matrix, his team somehow corrupted it, and all the sparks made by this corrupted Matrix are straying further and further from Primus. This is why Rodimus and friends have been charged with crimes against creation- some of their party were created in a way that predisposes them to crime. Or so Tyrest thinks.

I thought we were supposed to have separation of church and state, what the hell? This is still the same guy who was appointed as Chief Justice by the space pope because of his levelheadedness, right?

Yes, actually, but this sudden flip in priorities and personality has been induced by the guilt he felt during the Aequitas trials. Tyrest turned to self harm to deal with the weight of it all, and one day tried to go for what in most species would have been a suicide, by drilling with his drill fingers into the spot between his eyes. Instead, he most likely gave himself a lobotomy and became a religious zealot, fully believing that the gods are real, and he can go visit them by using his super-cool space portal.

Outside the moon base, Whirl and Cyclonus have freed the Circle of Light, and everyone’s ready to kick some ass. Both the fly boys have found themselves a Great Sword to play with, further cementing Cyclonus as our replacement Drift. Rodimus will be so thrilled.

Dai Atlas, the leader of the Circle of Light, tells our boys that there used to be a lot more of his group, but a lot of folks ended up being used to build Legislators.

Hm. I’m sure that’ll never be brought up again, and won’t paint future events in a much darker light. Nope. Absolutely not.

Cyclonus thinks that they need to get a move on, because if that sort of horrific shit can happen to the Circle of Light, it can also happen to Tailgate and the others. He does specifically name Tailgate in his dialogue, but it’s not like he actually cares about the guy, right? Feelings are for nerds.

Then the Legislators show up and it’s party time.

Wonder how that’s going to work out for you, Whirl.

Back with Tyrest, it’s revealed that Tyrest’s plan has a small snag- only people completely absolved of their guilt can go to Cyberutopia to hang out with Primus and the gang, and Tyrest is feeling awful guilty. Not about his weird space-eugenics thing, but about inventing cold construction. Now, how in the world is he going to handle this?

By committing a genocide.

Minimus is, understandably, not a fan of this plan. Tyrest had anticipated that the Universal Killswitch wouldn’t be universally appreciated, and has some of the new law come into play.

And that’s a series wrap on Minimus Ambus! Let’s give him a hand, folks!

[wangxiangiftexchange]

Lunar New Year Gift for vedrividia!

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji; past Wei Wuxian/Other (implied) Rating: Mature Warnings: brief depiction of sexual harassment, brief instance of misgendering, implied/referenced past suicide attempt, implied/referenced past sexual assault (off-screen), implied/referenced past forced pregnancy (off screen), implied/referenced underage sex & pregnancy (off-screen), alcoholism, coming out, implied/referenced homophobia Other Tags: trans male character, disabled character, gay male character, open ending, unreliable narrator, angst, tender, chance meeting, confession, reunion, character with incomplete spinal cord injury, iSCI, it probably sounds darker than it is

Summary: On the last eve before spring Wei Ying finds himself at the end of a road. What awaits him on the other side depends on the steps he takes to cross it. Someone walks beside him.

Disclaimer: I am neither Chinese, trans nor disabled. All of the portrayal in this fic is based on research. It's not my intent to offend and I'm open to critique as long as it's respectful and constructive. Wei Ying's journey is his own and does not represent all of the disabled or trans community. The fic is set in a world that closely resembles ours, but where corona never happened and maybe China's laws are just a little less restrictive (but still very phobic), so bear that in mind. I do not own any of the characters.

Notes - Beginning: The idea of trans male Wei Ying had been stuck in my head for a while now, and I've been wanting to try my hand at a trans story, because I've never done that before. This assignment was an opening to do that in a darker, more serious setting. I have also wanted to explore Wei Ying's suicidal issues while translating his story into a modern setting for some time (it was supposed to be a coffee shop AU, only the coffee shop never appeared hah). It was simultaneously hard and fun to write, and I'm grateful for it. @vedrividia​, I hope you like it!

In the past I didn't feel like I could do a good job at representing anyone of an identity I couldn't quite empathize with. Since then I've surrounded myself with trans inclusive media, and followed transgender blogs and channels, and I hope that this fic does right by all of them.

I am aware of some of the potentially problematic topics, but I also didn't want to ignore all the challenges and abuse and trauma that trans folk are forced to endure on a daily basis. (Did you know that trans people have some of the highest suicide rates, and likely to have alcohol issues? Making everyone happy and nothing hurt felt all kinds of wrong knowing that.) I believe that representing both - an ideal world alongside the real and flawed one - is important.

Positive stories are also important - this is one. Or at least I hope I was able to make it one.

On a more cheerful note, there are pictures that served as an inspiration for this story, namely this photoset (especially the pic in the leather jacket, the one on the couch and the close up) done in faceapp by a genius, this brain-frying picture, and of course this picture from the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot that none of us are over. I completely blame Xiao Zhan's androgyny.

Last but not least, I owe a massive thanks to Laura for the amazing beta they did on a rather short notice and brought this fic to another level. Thank you for your hard work!!! :)

End notes: Wei Ying has an incomplete spinal cord injury in the lumbar area (at L1 or L2). I didn't realize that I played myself when I gave him an incomplete injury, because the lack of references and information is in terms of quantity a total opposite to everything available on complete SCI. Which in turn made the telling of such a story feel even more important. If any of you know of a good resource for the daily life of people with iSCI, I'm all ears.

Even researching the walking aides was a challenge, since most information is on wheelchair dependent people, which Wei Ying is not. He has a wheelchair but he refuses to use it, for several reasons, one of them being image, another being worry of atrophy. He likes a good walk, and there's progress thanks to physical therapy, most of which is covered by insurance. I was debating an exoskeleton/brace for him, but from what I gathered they aren't really useful for SCI (I welcome any additional info about this), and those that would be cost a ton and aren't covered by insurance - which is a big factor for Wei Ying. The toss ended up being between forearm crutches and a walking frame, but in the end I decided on crutches, because it seemed like Wei Ying would prefer them? For now? With crutches he can pretend, and I also didn't know to what extent a walking frame would be insurance covered (in China), and whether he'd be at a point where he would accept one. (I imagine the simple ones would be covered by insurance, the question is whether they make a huge difference to crutches, and whether a rollator - with wheels and a seat is something that would count as 'necessary' in this case.)

However, once again, I am not adequately educated on all that goes into the decision making here. No one ever mentions things like these in success stories. In the end I left it as a room for future development. I'm pretty sure Wen Qing is trying to convince him to get one.

I was debating whether to tag dysphoria. While it is not explicitly stated in the fic, Wei Ying does experience it, although this has gotten better since he realized being trans, came out and started testosterone. His decision to not transition fully is one that many trans people make at a point in their lives, for any number of reasons. This does not mean he'll never change his mind, or won't explore other forms of expression. It's a choice that the current Wei Ying is making, completely independent of future Wei Ying.

It's possible in China to get a gender confirmation surgery, but the requirements sound like a nightmare. The first thing you have to do is get diagnosed with 'gender disorder', be five years in (unsuccessful) therapy for it, at least 20 and unmarried. If he decides to transition fully to a male presenting body he can only marry someone who is biologically female in the future, under Chinese law. (Imagine having to divorce your significant other in order to be who you are. Imagine having to make this decision. It makes me want to write fic about it.)

It also costs a ton, as none of it is covered by insurance. You can only start hormone therapy in order to get surgery, which leads a lot of trans people to acquire hormones illegally and without medical counseling. I purposefully did not decide where Wei Ying gets his T from. I didn't want him to not have it, but I left the how undecided. For the most part I headcanon it as one of the things that make my world a little different, since hormone therapy is a thing that exists outside of transitioning as well. E.g. many female athletes use testosterone to boost their performance, and many other women take it for various medical reasons. I feel like WWX could find ways to acquire some. Now, whether this would be legal or not is left open.

By the way? Never, EVER deadname. Just don't. The moment someone comes out to you as trans, tells you their pronouns and name, that's what you use. You forget everything that came prior to that, wipe it out of your memory, it's ashes on the sands of time unless stated otherwise BY THEM, got it?

Now, Wei Ying's case. I was hesitant about how to approach this, but from the start I knew two things. I wanted the same kind of intimacy of WWX & LWJ calling each other by their birth names as in canon, but I also didn't want to go the way most authors go in this case i.e. splitting the names to pre- and post- transition. It is my understanding that most Chinese names are unisex (if anyone has more info on this, I'd love to have it), or can be used for all genders, and I didn't want to force a gender issue where there wasn't one. However, I also wanted something parallel that could be used in a similar way. What I came up with is what you see in text. While Wei Ying did change his name, the only reason why it's still somewhat okay to use 'Wuxian' is because he explicitly says he likes it. In fact, in my head somewhere in the imagined future of this verse, he and JFM have a conversation about it where JFM tells him if he wants it, it can still be his name - he didn't give it to an image, but a person. IDK how well any of this works, or translates to actual trans or Chinese (or trans and Chinese) people, so if you have words for me, let me know.

On a side note, in 2015 China lifted the one-child policy in favor of a two-child policy. A-Yuan was born in 2017.

Wei Ying attempted suicide between the 4th and 8th week of his pregnancy. During the early weeks the probability of a fetus surviving a major fall (even a fall from stairs) is significantly higher than later in the pregnancy, and the scaffolding he jumped from wasn't actually that high. I'm also considering that there might have been something to cushion the fall that he hadn't noticed (a stray rope, or a net) or been aware of (like padding on the stage), but that's a detail I decided to leave to your imagination. On the other hand, sustaining a SCI during early pregnancy is likely to have fatal consequences, as I found out a week before the deadline. In the end, they both got very lucky. Wei Ying spent the next 3 months in a coma. When he woke up it was too late to terminate. Jiang Fengmian had been adamant that the decision not be made without Wei Ying's consent, which was nice of him, but also ended up making the decision for Wei Ying regardless.

Last but not least, if you've read this and feel like you have something to add, I love any kind of comments, whether you wanna review the fic, have some useful information for me, would like to discuss a point or just like to say hi! :)

*****

Transverse

If asked, Wei Ying wouldn't have remembered how he had gotten to the bar. He didn't remember taking a different route on the short walk back home, he hadn't even been aware there was a bar in the first place. He only remembered suddenly standing in front of it, aching to his bones, limbs leaden with a familiar exhaustion, morose and longing for nothing more than a little break. His back was on fire, his leg was throbbing, the skin underneath his binder wouldn’t stop itching and to top it off his stomach had been cramping in a way it wasn't supposed to anymore. His body had decided to give him a wonderful gift for the holiday. Wei Ying wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, and that spoke volumes to anyone who knew who occupied that position.

Needless to say, he was desperate for a drink.

The bar was almost empty so early in the afternoon, and shortly before the holiday, all the regulars had likely gone home to see their families. It was the time of reunions, the golden week of spring knocking on the door. The whole town looked empty, seemingly asleep and abuzz at the same time, a strange kind of liminal space born in the atmosphere of the coming celebrations, quiet with contained impatience. He had been painfully aware of it the entire week, the turning of another year leaving him nothing to do but watch people go where Wei Ying couldn't return anymore.

The Lunar New Year always made him hurt worse than usual, in more ways than purely physical. Wei Ying had felt that strange air peak today, even in the confines of his tiny office at the back of the Pacific Coffee branch he had been working at for a little over two months. It was a tiny thing on the busiest street of their small town, smelling of comfort in the wee hours of the morning and of salvation late in the evening. The staff had needed support with handling the supply chain, so that they could focus on serving the staggering amount of customers that came in all day.

It had seemed perfect when Wei Ying had first limped inside on his forearm crutches, with a letter of recommendation, feeling smaller than an ant but significantly less tough. The reintegration program had been a lifeline thrown to a drowning man when he had first heard about it. It had been the opportunity to restart his life. Earn an income. Be independent. In time maybe even repay his friends for the kindness they had shown when he had nowhere to go. Now? Now he wasn't sure that he'd still have a job after the holiday was over.

"This really can't go on," his boss had said, midway through the most gruesome shift the shop had ever witnessed. "Half the supplies came in wrong, for the third time this week!"

Sometimes, Wei Ying wondered why he still bothered. He could probably survive on aid and love for himself, and the Wens made enough to take care of the rest. It just… It could have been nice. To be the one to take care of the people he cared about, for a change.

He really needed that drink.

The whiskey looked enticing from where he was half-sitting, half-leaning on a stool, crutches stashed between his legs. He could almost taste it, the phantom of the sharp flavor burning his tongue.

"Hi, darling." An unfamiliar voice startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to tense. He had been aware of the middle-aged man at the counter, but he hadn't been paying him much attention until now. "Can I buy you a drink? How about Sex on the Beach?"

It was difficult to control himself at that tasteless, juvenile joke. Wei Ying could almost taste the bile rising in his throat and the beginnings of what would no doubt become a pounding headache throbbing in his temples. Great. Just what he had needed.

The whiskey bottle called out to him again, beckoning him to the bitter burn.

A drink. That was what he needed - a drink.

Do you really? Need it? The voice of his therapist came to his mind, sudden and uninvited.

"Hey bartender!" The man called out in the most unwelcome case of accidental telepathy in the history of mankind, sneaking one arm around Wei Ying’s waist, a sweaty hand settling on his hip. "One Sex on the Beach for the miss, on my tab!"

There was the rising bile again, tension squeezing his muscles, and the flash of a haughty smirk at the furthest back of his mind. This wasn't what he wanted. None of it. Neither the touch nor the drink, no matter what his mind wanted to convince him of.

It's easier to need than the things that take hard work, the ones you have to earn. It had taken him a long time to admit that.

"I don't drink." Wei Ying said, angling his head as much as the muscles of his neck permitted to look at the guy invading his personal space squarely. "Remove your hand now."

The guy bristled.

"Hey, chill out, sweetheart." He was quick to regain his composure with an awkward laugh and not enough common sense. Wei Ying supposed he must have been used to rejection. Too bad. "You're so tense… Maybe a virgin cocktail then."

His crutch shot up before the full sentence was out.

The man stumbled back with a startled yelp as the rubber point connected with his chest in a sharp jab.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"I said I don't drink." Wei Ying was completely unapologetic, still holding his crutch like a sword, but the guy was already walking away, muttering ‘fucking bitch’ under his breath.

"You alright there, girl?"

His gut clenched at the words.

He looked up to meet the only slightly worried, but otherwise unbothered gaze of the bartender and told himself it wasn't her fault. She probably wasn't even aware. He knew he didn't… There was no way for him to pass. There was nothing he could do about that, had already decided not to, not at this time, not in this country. Wei Ying didn't expect people to know on sight. He didn't. It didn't change the fact though that every single misnomer felt like someone was peeling his skin off.

"I'm not a girl," he said to her almost too quietly, but he knew she heard when he met her gaze. A strained silence passed between them in which Wei Ying watched her frown in confusion, then sputter with the loss of words, before awkwardly shuffling off. He smiled wryly. How funny. It really wasn't anything complicated, and yet… So few were able to comprehend.

Wordlessly, Wei Ying slid off the stool and made his way out of the bar as quick as his crutches let him be.

Once outside, the crisp air mercilessly purifying, he realized how close to the edge he had gotten once again. He had to stop doing this. He couldn't afford another fall, another spiral back down the drain. Not when he had just clawed his way out. Not when he had people depending on him now. Tiny people with curious gray eyes, so much like his own. Waiting for him at home.

Something icy touched his face and instinctively he looked up only to find it snowing.

That explained the ache.

The cold always made him feel sore, although he knew at least some of it was phantom pain. He hadn’t retained a whole lot of feeling in his left leg, beyond a tingle that had become almost constant and the occasional twitch. His right leg was fine, it just tended to ache a lot, to a point where Wei Ying sometimes found himself wishing it wasn't better off than the other one. But then he wouldn't get away with 'forgetting' his wheelchair at home, so he quickly dismissed that thought. Besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse. He, at least, could still walk. He could still stand. Kinda. He had no room to complain.

After all, he had done this to himself.

'It's better this way.' He remembered thinking, standing on the top of the catwalk stairs backstage of the high school auditorium. 'A-jie, Jiang Cheng,… Lan Zhan. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. I love you. I'll get out of your hair now.'

In the end it had been easy to tip backwards and let himself fall.

Waking up had been the hard part. Not only had he failed, but every reason that had pushed him to end it all had only been made worse. Worse still, after. He had lived though, so that was that. There was no utility in regret. He couldn't go back. The only way was forward now, step by painful step. Standing around and staring at the snow falling was nice, but it wouldn't make the walk shorter. Home wasn't far away. He'd take it slow. He'd be there before he knew it.

He barely took three steps before he felt someone's broad shoulder bump against his, his equilibrium yanked roughly from under his feet.

He remembered falling.

Not the act of it, nor every thought and feeling that preceded it, but he remembered the soft pressure at his skull as he tipped backwards, the endless instant of the free fall, a moment frozen in time. Not the impact, but the inevitability of it, coming, coming, almost there. The loss of control. The frightening, exhilarating realization of his absolute surrender. Not the oblivion that followed but the fragments of muddled awareness afterwards. Disorientation, rock bottom and the overwhelming sense of failure.

It had felt nothing like now.

He felt the loss of ground beneath his feet, the scrape of concrete against his palms, as he all but starfished onto the pavement. A sharp pain. The frustrated annoyance of another thing gone wrong in the long list that made up the day.

Only the failure felt the same, funny that.

"I'm sorry!" Said a deep voice. "I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, no shit." He chuckled, because really, who could have guessed.

"Here, let me help." There were hands on his arm, just as he propped himself up, but he yanked it away.

"I'm fine!" He wasn't helpless. He wasn't, dammit! He had his arms, his abdominals, and most of his legs. Getting up from the ground wasn't such a herculean task for him as for those who depended on a wheelchair. He didn't have to call an ambulance just because he starfished. He didn't need any help at all here, especially not the help of some ditzy stranger with their head in the clouds…

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Ying froze.

Few people on this Earth called him that, and none of them had a voice like that. He looked up to see glowing amber on a face carved out of a dream.

"Lan Zhan?"

Of all the people to be in town today of all days, the least likely would have to be Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, his former senior, Lan Zhan, his best friend. Lan Zhan, whom he had told his secrets, Lan Zhan, who he… who he…

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… Can I kiss you? I understand you don't like me that way, and it's fine, I'm fine, really, but… uhm… It's supposed to be special. The first kiss. I… I want it to be yours. Just one kiss." A child he barely remembered had wanted and wanted, never satisfied. "Ah, it's okay if you don't want to. I get it. It's fine. I'm just being selfish."

But that had been a long time ago. A person he didn't know, a past life that had never truly been. Not for him in any case.

Lan Zhan was looking at him like a ghost had appeared in front of him.

Although, ghosts didn't need crutches. Honestly, Wei Ying did wish he could float quite frequently.

Face twisted in sardonic amusement at that childish wish, he pulled himself up with some maneuvering and a lot of effort. This seemed to wake Lan Zhan from his daze as he quickly followed. Wei Ying didn't miss the sweeping gaze as his once friend took him in, wondering what he saw. A stranger, perhaps? A new person? Him? Wei Ying knew he hadn't changed much on the outside, aside the obvious and maybe in his weight distribution, but Lan Zhan had always had the ability to look past the surface. Was he still able to do that? Or was he just taking in his appearance, assessing his matted, worn out body that seemed to show every year that had passed multiplied by ten? Wei Ying was aware that time had not been the kindest to him, but he was hanging on. He was past the worst now. He was doing better. He was!

He wondered if Lan Zhan still could see that too.

"Wei Ying." His name again, spoken with enough wonder to give Wei Ying the courage to meet his gaze. There was an unspoken question in it.

"Yeah," Wei Ying answered and felt the cusp of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. "Long time no see, Lan Zhan. Fancy meeting you here."

"I really like you, Lan Zhan," the person he didn't know had said, red faced with embarrassment and a shaking voice. "I mean like… like like."

Back then he had believed that moment to be the most nerve-wracking experience he was ever going to survive. Today he missed his naivety.

Lan Zhan gave him a look like he just realized it was really Wei Ying standing in front of him. Like he still could barely believe it. It unraveled a completely different ache in Wei Ying. They had been close once, and though they had always shared their secrets, Wei Ying had seen him so open and unguarded but once.

"I...like...boys," had been the answer. The refusal so, so gentle, unable to accept, thus giving something of equal value in return instead. A truth for a truth, a secret for a secret. "Wei Ying, I'm gay."

Lan Zhan, always figuring things out so quickly, always willing to accept reality no matter how hard it was. Wei Ying hadn't known back then. If he had known… Who knew what would have been then. It didn't matter anymore. It was a life long gone. What remained of it were a few good memories, some of them he wasn't sure were real.

Now, chance had made them cross paths once again, at a liminal space transversing through time.

"Are you hurt?" Lan Zhan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, and Wei Ying looked where he was reaching for his scraped hands and knees.

Lan Zhan, always the same Lan Zhan… "Not selfish."

So wonderful and kind and warm.

"Eh, I'm fine. Nothing Wen Qing can't fix." He brushed his former friend off, noticing how Lan Zhan's eyebrow seemed to go up infinitesimally at the mention of his old classmate and promptly changed the subject. "What brings you to Yiling, Lan Zhan? Shouldn't you be with your family for Chun Jie?"

"I…" Lan Zhan looked away. "Didn't get an earlier flight."

That sounded suspicious, especially since the Lan Zhan Wei Ying knew liked to plan ahead. But Wei Ying wasn't the same he had been, maybe Lan Zhan wasn't either. People were allowed to change. It also didn't answer what he was doing in Yiling in the first place, but Wei Ying wasn't forcing him to tell. Wei Ying had never wanted to force Lan Zhan into anything, he wasn't going to start now.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan looked at him again, this time meeting his eyes squarely. He paused. "How have you been?"

Wei Ying felt the loom of a shadow over him, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a second.

"As you can see." He put a reassuring smile on his face as he summoned enough will to hold Lan Zhan's gaze. "Still alive and kicking."

Which was probably much more than the last time Lan Zhan had heard of him.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see you. After." The what remained unspoken. Lan Zhan's kind heart hadn't changed. Wei Ying sought comfort in it, warmed by the thought of his best friend trying to get in touch even after everything went to hell. "I was told you… left."

Wei Ying made a soft sound of affirmation through the small smile that had spread on his face. "I moved out on my eighteenth birthday. Aunt Yu… I was supposed to stay till graduation, but... ah. I fucked up. Colossally."

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remained the only person Wei Ying knew who managed to frown without a single crease on his face. "You were recovering."

"It was fine, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying chuckled even as he held back a sigh. Lan Zhan didn't know half of it. "I moved in with the Wens."

There was a pause.

"With Wen Qing?" Lan Zhan asked and Wei Ying realized that small detail wouldn't have been immediately clear to him, all things considered.

"With Wen Qing and her family." He nodded. After a moment of thought he added. "Not Wen Chao. I know nothing about that douchebag."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed and it sounded so wholehearted that it startled a laugh out of Wei Ying.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, feeling truly light for the first time in a long time. The smile he gave Lan Zhan felt warm and genuine. He hoped Lan Zhan saw it too, and didn't think Wei Ying was trying to shake him off, when he spoke next. "It's so good to see you. You're the best thing that happened to me today. I would love to catch up, but they're waiting for me at home and I'm already late."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. There was a pause. Then, just as Wei Ying was about to ask for his number, "I could. Walk you. If you like."

"I thought you had a flight to catch." Wei Ying wanted to smack his mouth for how hopeful he sounded.

"Mn," Lan Zhan said. "In the evening."

"Lan Zhan!" He startled, amused and surprised at the same time. "And here I thought your bedtime was nine! Don't tell me you crossed to the dark side."

"It is Chuxi." Lan Zhan's voice was soft with a playful note, and Wei Ying felt his heart turn all over again even as he laughed.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan…" A smile spread on his face. "Alright then. I'd love to have your company. If you're sure."

"I am," Lan Zhan answered. "I would… very much like to… catch up with you."

"Well then." Wei Ying's smile broadened and started again in the direction he was heading earlier. "Right this way, sir. But I'm warning you. I'm basically a snail now."

For a beat there was silence, in which Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was probably looking for a proper response. He still didn't know how to handle self-deprecating humor, then. Wei Ying chuckled quietly to himself. The more things change…

"That is alright," Lan Zhan finally said. "I have time."

"Oh, do you? That's great!" Wei Ying grinned from ear to ear, marveling at how easy it suddenly was. "Aah, Lan Zhan I really missed this!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed but didn't say anything else.

For a few moments silence reigned again, of a comfortable kind. One that allowed Wei Ying to bask in the startling, almost miraculous presence of his best friend. Or it would have been, had Wei Ying not been keenly aware of Lan Zhan's intense stare.

"Do I really look that bad?" He teased, hoping to give Lan Zhan the opening he probably needed to ask whatever questions he had. "I've actually gained weight over Dongzhi you know."

Lan Zhan blinked, as if startled to be called out. Wasn't he aware that he had been staring? Or had he not expected Wei Ying to say something?

"You look…" he started, then swept his gaze over Wei Ying.

"Tired?" Wei Ying offered, keeping the humor in his words. The last thing he wanted Lan Zhan to think was that he needed to sugar coat his words around him now. "Stressed? Battle worn?"

"Different," Lan Zhan finished.

"Ah." Wei Ying breathed out, something in his chest tightening. "Good different, or bad different?"

Lan Zhan looked at him for a long moment.

"Different you," he finally answered. A pause. "More you."

Wei Ying's breath stuttered, a small questioning sound dragging itself up his throat.

"Wei Ying…" Lan Zhan hesitated for a brief moment, unsure. "May I know your pronouns?"

Always so straight to the point.

"Pro… Pronouns?!" Wei Ying chuckled but even he could hear the nerves buzzing through that sound. "How did you figure that?"

Lan Zhan just kept looking at him. Wei Ying swallowed.

"I…"

He had to know. Since he actually asked, he had to already know. Or at least suspect. Be aware. In general, or about Wei Ying? Had he realized in their years apart, or was there something about Wei Ying now that made him guess? No one has ever been able to tell upon glance. No one.

Something fluttered deep in his chest, like the jingles of a tambourine reverberating. It gave him courage.

Wei Ying took a deep, steadying breath. "He, him, Lan Zhan. It's he, him."

He managed to swallow the thousand words that dragged themselves up his throat instead of that one, simple truth. To his credit, Lan Zhan let him, waiting patiently and with complete silence for Wei Ying to say his part.

"I'm trans," Wei Ying added, finding it easier to say after the initial confession. "As in full time, on actual testosterone, trans male."

Their eyes met. A heartbeat of silence.

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "Makes sense."

Wei Ying had not expected that.

In his defense, no one had ever replied like that to him coming out.

"What?" He choked out, bewildered. Lan Zhan was giving him a gentle look, a diametrical opposite of Wei Ying's wide eyes. "Why does that make sense, Lan Zhan?"

"It didn't before." Lan Zhan's gaze dropped. "Now it does."

"What? Why?" Wei Ying repeated, not comprehending a single word his friend had said. At the back of his mind he knew he should be happy and relieved that as dear a friend as Lan Zhan accepted him, and he would be later, but now he was just confused. "Lan Zhan, what are you saying?"

"You confounded me. Before. I didn't understand. It didn't. Add up." He didn't even expect an answer beyond a shrug and an 'It just does', and yet Lan Zhan gave him one, trying to explain like he wanted Wei Ying to understand something important. Important enough to bring it up at their first chance meeting in years. It still didn't clear anything up. The way he was dragging his words out seemed odd too, for how upfront Lan Zhan usually was.

"What didn't add up?" Wei Ying asked again. What about him had confused Lan Zhan?

"I didn't know you were a boy. So it didn't make sense," Lan Zhan answered without looking up and Wei Ying felt dread tighten his stomach into a knot. "But now it does."

"What?" He frowned, the rush of blood pounding in his ears. "Lan Zhan, what are you talking about?"

Lan Zhan finally looked up at him and Wei Ying suddenly felt light headed. The grip on his crutches must have gone knuckle white from how firmly he was gripping the handles. It couldn't be…

"I was confused why I liked you," Lan Zhan whispered, dropping his gaze again. "Why I enjoyed kissing you."

Wei Ying's brain was white static.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, "No!"

His whole body wanted to recoil with shock.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pleaded but was cut short.

"I confessed to you! I told you I liked you!" He saw the bob of Lan Zhan's throat, how his eyes fell shut as he swallowed. Wei Ying despaired for words that could express the entire scale of emotions he felt, from betrayal to hope, but mostly just... shock. "You said you… You've never… And now, after everything… Do you even… Lan Zhan!!!"

"Wei Ying," he said his name like it was all he was capable of saying, with a hitch of sudden hesitance on the last syllable, a minuscule frown around his eyes, like he realized something important. "Do you still call yourself Wei Ying?"

The quiet question conjured up another memory, of an occasion much kinder.

"It's my birth name," he heard his youthful voice, still too high although most had described it as low. Lan Zhan had raised an eyebrow at him, even more puzzled than before. Wei Ying had laughed as he went to explain. "Same character as in 'infant'. Wuxian is the name uncle Jiang gave me so that I have a better name than, you know, 'baby'. It's a cool name! I mean, 'no envy' come on! Like I have no match in the world! Totally rad, you know, uncle Jiang's naming sense is A+."

"But you prefer Wei Ying." Lan Zhan had looked at him then, searchingly and Wei Ying had looked away with a snort, to hide his swallow.

"It's a terrible name. Who the hell names their baby 'baby'?"

Lan Zhan hadn't replied anything to that, and Wei Ying still remembered his next words, and how they had burned on his tongue, how he couldn't hold them back.

"It's what the people who loved me had called me."

In the present, Wei Ying found himself laughing in spite of the utter shock. Only Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan would give him a heart attack first then go make sure he wasn't deadnaming him on top of everything.

"Lan Zhan!!!" He cried out. "That's so not the point right now! But, yes, I do. I changed it back, actually. Officially, I mean."

"You dislike it." It sounded more like a question than a statement, so Wei Ying answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I still think Wuxian is way cooler, and my siblings still call me that, but…" His gaze fell away from Lan Zhan to something more distant, beyond his focus as he struggled over his words, drawing them out only with great difficulty from where they were rooted deep inside of him. "It's the name given to the image of a person that never really existed. Like… the painting of a person you met in a dream. And I sorta… I like to imagine that, regardless of who I am… They would still love me."

They. The people who gave him that horrible, unimaginative name.

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed like there had never been any doubt about it. Wei Ying snorted.

"Wei Ying," there it was again, his name, spoken so kindly, if not hesitantly as Lan Zhan too seemed to be struggling for words. "I would like to apologize. I hurt you. I have been looking for you to tell you this."

All at once, Wei Ying felt his shock settle into something more profound, like the wave that had swallowed him revealing the depth of the ocean. There was nothing Lan Zhan had to apologize for. Not for the lack of awareness, and certainly not for his feelings. Even their conflicts had always stemmed from a place of deep care.

"No." Wei Ying shook his head. "Not more than I hurt myself, Lan Zhan. Even when you scolded me, you never hurt me."

Had Lan Zhan broken his heart? Yeah, he had. So what? Did that mean he could be held accountable for it? Wei Ying's feelings were his own shit to deal with, not Lan Zhan's. Returning them wasn't Lan Zhan's duty. Even if he returned them, would it be fair to fault him for running away from them? For feeling insecure and anxious about his own attraction? For not knowing these things weren't as clear cut as all the adults around them had wanted to make them believe? It wasn't like Wei Ying had known either back then. He had, perhaps, understood himself even less than Lan Zhan. Most importantly, it was all in the past now. It couldn't be changed. What they made of it now was what mattered.

"None of my bullshit is your fault," he added. "You didn't go and tell me to fuck up my life. That was all on me."

"You wrote," Lan Zhan started, then paused, hesitating, then started again. "In your letter, you wrote…"

Wei Ying picked up on the question immediately.

"Not you," he said, the same words he had penned all those years ago in what was one of only two letters. "Never you. I had my reasons, but none of them were about you. In fact, I thought of you as the last good thing in my life at that point. The one true friend I still had left."

Lan Zhan's gaze fell on his crutches, but he didn't ask. Wei Ying was grateful.

"Come on, I need to get a move on," he said, starting to walk again, smiling at the surprised expression Lan Zhan had given him, when he realized he was still welcome to accompany him. Maybe it was something about that look that made Wei Ying add, after another second of thought, "There are people waiting for my return."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hummed, falling back in step next to him. "That's good. You should have people waiting for you at home."

Wei Ying couldn't help but smile.

"Say, Lan Zhan,…" he said after a few seconds of silence, when all what Lan Zhan has confessed slowly sunk in. "When you say you've been looking for me… You mean all this time?"

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying watched him gather his thoughts, the snow fluttering all around them. "I wanted to see you. Ask how you were doing. See if… If you needed support. Apologize. For not being a good friend to you before."

"Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying listened to him, and when Lan Zhan finally looked up at him his gaze was so sincere that his heart ached with it.

"I wanted to tell you the truth." Lan Zhan didn't let himself be interrupted. "That I liked you back. Without any expectations. That I didn't understand, but that it didn't matter. That I could like you without understanding why. That I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted you to know. That I wanted to help, in any way you'd let me."

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying sighed, vision suddenly blurred. He drew a deep breath. "But I wasn't there."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "I asked your sister where I could find you…"

"But she didn't know," Wei Ying finished for him. No one knew, except one person. "And Jiang Cheng wouldn't give you my address if you held him at gunpoint."

"Your brother knows you're here." It had the structure of a question but it was spoken as a statement, the same kind of incredulous as the look Lan Zhan was giving him. All things considered, it was kinda fair, Wei Wuxian thought as he barked a laugh.

"Yeah," he said, shoulders shaking a little as he snickered. "He's the designated secret keeper."

Lan Zhan just stared, wordlessly.

Wei Ying's smile gained an edge at the unspoken question. He had to clear his throat before he answered. "We're… not quite alright yet, but… Ah, how do I say this? He's the better judge of the situation? With, uhm, aunt Yu, I mean. It's… complicated."

Honestly, when wasn't it?

"I… see." Lan Zhan really didn't sound like he did, but didn't press, continuing his story instead. "Your sister was able to tell me which city you were in. So I… applied for a job."

Wait. Pause. Rewind.

"You work here?!" Wei Ying felt his jaw go slack.

"As an attorney. At 'Xiao and Song'," Lan Zhan confirmed, then looked back at Wei Ying. "Civil law. With focus on LGBTQ+ rights. I passed the bar last year."

"You…" There was so much to unpack in that statement that Wei Ying couldn't quite get the words together fast enough. At the back of his mind he was aware he should probably congratulate Lan Zhan on his degree but he was too stunned by the other, more important implications. "You've moved here? For work? All because… Because… You were looking for me?"

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan!" His amazing friend who, for some reason, in spite of having a great new life had been desperate to find him. "But you… But I…"

"Wei Ying," he spoke so, so softly, but with clear intent to stop any protest Wei Ying might have wanted to utter. It worked. Wei Ying's mouth fell shut, taking his friend in with a bright, wide gaze. "I missed you. I have no expectations. I just… missed you."

Warmth spread in Wei Ying's chest over the tender words, like a dying flame rekindled.

"Lan Zhan..." He didn't quite know what to say, oddly touched. "It's how you knew, isn't it? I'm not the only trans person you've met."

"There was a client," Lan Zhan admitted. "They made me think of you. I have wanted to ask you since. I wanted to know if… If I made a mistake."

He didn't specify what mistake he feared being guilty of. He didn't really have to.

For a while Wei Ying just looked at him.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" He sighed, a small but genuine smile stealing itself onto his lips. "You… you're something else, you know that?"

Lan Zhan didn't reply, but there was something vulnerable in his expression.

"I missed you too."

Lan Zhan's eyes snapped back to Wei Ying's face, full of naked hope and a surprise so honest and pure that Wei Ying's heartstrings almost snapped. He could accept it. He could accept a friend longing for his company, even as his heart hammered against his chest like it was trying to escape its utter desolation.

"I couldn't have expected you to know something I didn't realize until much later." He hadn't realized there was tension around his friend's eyes until it relaxed.

Wei Ying took him in, his entire appearance and noted that although perfectly poised and immaculately dressed, beneath it all there was an exhaustion, a tension he didn't recognize. He thought about their meeting – the collision of two bodies launched out of their orbit – and everything else Lan Zhan had told him and a question dragged itself on his tongue that refused to be swallowed back in.

"Say, Lan Zhan… Since we are being so honest..." He asked before he could have thought better of it. "Why aren't you in Suzhou yet, for real? You always went home at least two weeks ahead of the festival. Did something happen?"

If there was something happening with Lan Zhan's family… Well, Wei Ying had missed enough opportunities to be a good friend in all the years they had been apart, or even before that. If Lan Zhan wanted to be his friend, Wei Ying was returning that tenfold. A secret for a secret, a truth for a truth.

If Lan Zhan wanted, that was.

For a second Wei Ying wasn't sure, but then the broad shoulders slumped, heaving like a weight was being lifted off them.

"I didn't always intend to go," Lan Zhan admitted. "Brother convinced me at the last moment. I wish he hadn't."

Their eyes met and Wei Ying felt a sudden heat spread through his cheeks at the intensity of Lan Zhan's gaze. He didn't take the bait, waiting patiently instead.

"I came out to my uncle. After the bar." Lan Zhan's gaze fell to the ground again, and Wei Ying already knew what he was about to say, aching dread settling painfully in his chest. "He did not… react well. He tried to set me up immediately afterwards."

"Aw man..." Wei Ying tried to sound both gentle and sympathetic without being too pitying. In his experience that never helped. "Yeah, I get that you didn't want to go home after that."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded, but said no more.

"Was she at least pretty?" Wei Ying tried to joke, unable to bear that forlorn expression on Lan Zhan's face and incapable of thinking of anything better to cheer his friend up. It would have been easy in the past, but now, with years containing entire lifetimes between them he didn't know anymore how to make Lan Zhan laugh.

But then Lan Zhan's lips twitched a little, so maybe not all was lost.

"Luo Qingyang," he answered, like Wei Ying was supposed to know the vaguely familiar name. Lan Zhan responded to his confused frown with his own and went on to explain. "You were in the drama club together. She was… Juliet. To your Romeo."

Very few guys had been in the drama club at that time, so Wei Ying had usually gotten the main male protagonist. He had loved it. It had been one of the reasons why he had joined the drama club in the first place. His co-star in all of that...

"Mianmian!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with delight. "It's been ages since I've last…"...Seen her. Seen anyone, he didn't say, schooled his expression and laughed instead. "I can't believe they tried to set you up with Mianmian! How is she?"

"Mn," Lan Zhan made a small sound out agreement that amused Wei Ying, before he answered. "She is well. Studying. Also law. She will take the bar next year."

"All of you are so smart…" Wei Ying chuckled, fond with more memories. "You know I made out with her once?" He promptly laughed at Lan Zhan's expression. "Relax, it wasn't as good as with you."

Their eyes met again and Wei Ying saw something like hope spark in Lan Zhan's eyes, which…

Wei Ying stopped. He let his gaze wander around, collecting his thoughts. He startled as he realized he was almost home, the agonizing minutes he usually needed reduced to nothing in the presence of his friend. The ache that had gnawed at his limbs earlier had all but disappeared, replaced by a longing ache in his heart.

"Lan Zhan," he found himself speaking without the input of his mind. "You said you liked me, so you should know… I don't intend to have surgery." He saw Lan Zhan open his mouth, probably to assure him once more of his pure intentions, which Wei Ying didn't need to hear. "I know, I know, you have no expectations, and I'm not saying we have to, but… My feelings for you never changed. I still like you, but I'm also… I'm a man Lan Zhan, but I'm not adjusting my body. Not to that degree."

"Is it a financial issue?" Lan Zhan asked after a pause and Wei Ying cut him off before he could continue with something ridiculous like an offer to pay.

"It's… not not about money, but…" He thought for a moment about how to say what he wanted to say. "Regardless of that, I refuse to go through all the legal hoops that this government would demand of me, like I'm supposed to beg them just to be who I am. And... Besides that…" He took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to have another child."

"Another…" There was a strangled sound, which he ignored, forcing himself to voice what he'd been struggling to put into words for a while now.

"I want to give it one more try. Voluntarily," Wei Ying found it difficult to say, despite the thought of a baby in his arms filling him with a warmth he wouldn't have expected mere years ago. "With someone I actually like this time."

"This time." There was something very wrong with the tone of Lan Zhan's voice, and as Wei Ying looked up at him, realization hit him with the force of a freight train.

"Oh! Oh no!" Lan Zhan's eyes were akin to saucers, and Wei Ying vaguely thought he had never seen his friend express shock so openly. "Fuck, I'm so dumb! Of course you don't know! How would you know?!"

Of course that very same moment, before Lan Zhan had any chance of collecting himself, a cheerful shout echoed through the street in an all too familiar, youthful voice. "BABA!!!"

Wei Ying winced. In the way life usually was – his life in particular – before Wei Ying could come up with a single word of explanation, there was the flurry of movement, and a warmth enveloping his leg – the better one.

"Baba, baba, you're home!"

Wei Ying's eyes fell down to the source of the excited noise to have two mischievous gray eyes reflected back at him. An unbidden smile spread on his face.

"A-Yuan!" He shifted around a little until he could safely run his fingers through the child's hair, even as he was keenly aware of the man next to him. "Have you been waiting for me?"

There was a twinkle and a nod, his very own baby's face beaming up at him with unabashed adoration. A tiny hand wrapped itself around his wrist and just like that the last of the day's stress fell away. He looked back at Lan Zhan. It was difficult to describe the expression his friend was giving him, frozen with disbelief, shock and something too close to horror, as his mind seemed to be rearranging and reevaluating every piece of information known to him. Finding no point in delaying the inevitable, Wei Ying braced himself and went for it.

"Lan Zhan, this is a-Yuan. He's mine. Gave birth to him and all." He made a point to smile, although Lan Zhan's expression remained unchanged. Deciding to give him the space he needed to get himself together, Wei Ying turned his attention back to his child. "A-Yuan, this is Lan Zhan. He's an old friend of mine from school. Want to introduce yourself?"

"Hello!" A-Yuan said before Wei Ying even finished the sentence. "I'm a-Yuan and I'm already four years old! I like butterflies and bunnies! Baba gave me Radish and a coloring book for my birthday. I was four last month! I love my baba bestest! But I love xiao-shushu und Qing-guma and granny and uncle Shi lotsa too!"

It was an altogether perfect introduction, and Wei Ying felt pride and love thrumming through his heart with a strength he hadn't believed to be possible. He watched the mental math behind Lan Zhan's eyes, a complicated expression spreading on his friend's face. He decided to give him another moment to complete the mental calculations and focused on something else that a-Yuan had reminded him of.

"Speaking of, where's your xiao-shushu?" Wei Ying looked around, then with growing suspicion back at the child still wrapped around his leg. "Did you ditch him again?"

Mischief spread on a-Yuan's face as he hid in Wei Ying's thigh.

"A-Yuan." Wei Ying narrowed his eyes at him, gently scolding. "We've talked about this. No walking around on your own. What if something happened?"

"But I'm with you," came the simple answer. "I have to help you walk. You said! To help you walk I have to take your hand. I saw you and gege wasn't holding your hand, so I came to help."

"Ah, so filial, a-Yuan…" Wei Ying looked up to the skies, silently begging the heavens for strength while fighting a ferocious blush. This child of his was as much a blessing as he was a huge trouble. The best kind of trouble, if Wei Ying was honest.

"A-Yuan!"

He was still busy trying to change his smile into something more stern, when as if on cue the uncle in question appeared around the corner, calling for his nephew, looking just as frantic as Wei Ying expected him to be. He waited for Wen Ning's eyes to find them, before he looked back down at a-Yuan.

"See how worried Wen Ning is? You can't do this, a-Yuan." The child's expression fell. "Go tell him you're alright and apologize for running away."

A-Yuan didn't waste a single second, rocketing towards his uncle with an excited call.

With his child safe in the most dependable arms that there were, Wei Ying turned to Lan Zhan again. His friend's eyes were closed, face pulled into a tight expression, lips pressed into a thin line, all of which told him what conclusion Lan Zhan had reached.

"It was part of the reason," Wei Ying said, because he knew Lan Zhan would never ask and he wanted his friend to know. "But it wasn't all of it."

Lan Zhan's eyes opened, his look agonized but not pitying, Wei Ying realized.

"There were many things going on," he said. "It was all so fucked up… I knew I couldn't keep him, and somehow I figured… Might as well go together. In the end we both survived, funny that."

"The father. The father is…" Lan Zhan trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say the name, but he didn't have to. Just as Wei Ying didn't have to answer other than with a rueful smile. After all, there was only one option. Lan Zhan drew a deep breath. "Was it… Did he…"

Here too, Wei Ying knew what he was asking, felt it like the edge of a knife against his skin.

"I don't want to talk about it." He swallowed, a prickling at the corners of his eyelids. "Not yet, at least. I'll tell you the story another time."

Lan Zhan nodded. Worried his jaw. Wei Ying waited.

"Was that why you… left?" His voice was so quiet that if Wei Ying wasn't paying attention, he probably wouldn't have noticed he had said anything at all.

"To put it in the words of aunt Yu, whores aren't welcome under her roof. She threatened to leave uncle Jiang, if he kept supporting me. It's fine," he added quickly when he saw Lan Zhan's face darkening. "Uncle Jiang gave me the trust fund he had for me, which wasn't little, I have a job and I get some aid from the government too. There's also granny's pension and everyone else is working. You don't have to worry, Lan Zhan, we get by."

Lan Zhan looked like he wanted to say something cutting, but luckily they were interrupted by Wen Ning joining them, a-Yuan in his arms. He was probably getting too big for that, but he knew first hand that Wen Ning could lift a full-sized adult without breaking a sweat so he wasn't very worried for either of them.

"Wei-ge, welcome home," Wen Ning greeted him. His eyes wandered to Lan Zhan for a brief moment, then to Wei Ying's hands which were still scraped. "Is everything alright?"

"More than!" Wei Ying ignored the look, grinning and watched a-Yuan beam at him. "Everything's perfect, look who I met in town! You remember Lan Zhan, right? He was in the same class with Wen Qing. Turns out he works here!"

Wei Ying managed to say all of that in one breath before he even realized he was doing it, yet consciously leaving out the bar and without bothering to detail exactly how the 'bumping' went down. Wen Ning took it all in, then gave Lan Zhan a polite smile, his dark eyes meeting Lan Zhan's squarely.

"I know of Lan-xianbei," he said slowly, cautiously polite, before his expression settled into a smile and he inclined his head in greeting. "We've never met officially."

There was a brief round of long overdue introductions, which Wei Ying was happy to ignore in favor of watching a-Yuan grow increasingly fascinated with Lan Zhan. It etched the lines around Wei Ying's smile deeper into his features, in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.

"A-Yuan." he couldn't help but pinch one of the chubby cheeks, after a little shifting of weight. "You keep looking at Lan Zhan like that, he'll think you like him."

"Pretty gege," was all a-Yuan had to say to that, a smile splitting his face, while Lan Zhan's ears turned red. Wei Ying laughed, alight with surprise that the one tell-tale sign of his shyness still remained. Lan Zhan was looking at a-Yuan with increasing curiosity, that pained line from earlier disappearing from his features, slowly replaced by wonder instead.

Wei Ying only looked away when he felt a tiny finger poke at his cheek, angling his head towards a-Yuan to listen to whatever secret his son wanted to share.

"Will pretty gege stay for dinner?" A-Yuan whispered through his hands, causing a complicated set of feelings to run through Wei Ying's chest.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but Lan-shushu can't stay." Wei Ying mock pouted at his son. "He has a flight to catch later."

"Why?" A-Yuan asked, as he did all the time.

"He has to visit his family," Wei Ying answered.

"Oh…" A-Yuan's face fell. There was no doubt in Wei Ying's mind had the answer been anything else, he would have kept asking, but if there was one word a-Yuan understood better than anyone, it was 'family'. It didn't mean he liked it. "But… But I heard! I heard that we will have a party tonight! I cleaned my room, and I did a picture for teacher, and helped granny bake! I was the bestest and uncle said I could stay up extra long tonight 'cause then baba would live forever!"

"I didn't say forever," Wen Ning corrected him timidly, but neither of them paid attention to him, the poor soul. A-Yuan only heard what he wanted to hear, and Wei Ying was too busy making sure his heart didn't burst. He still sometimes couldn't quite believe how much he loved this child.

"Me too." It came unexpectedly from beside him, and when Wei Ying turned to look he found Lan Zhan looking almost as surprised as he felt. "I mean, I also usually stay up longer on Chuxi."

A-Yuan's smile eclipsed the sun. Lan Zhan returned it with an expression so impossibly soft that Wei Ying's heart almost did burst then.

"Pretty gege can stay, and his family can come too, and I will draw everyone a picture!" A-Yuan all but vibrated with bare excitement that Wei Ying felt bad that he had to chide him.

"A-Yuan, do we tell people what they can and can't do, or do we ask?" He had picked the gentlest way possible, but his son still hid his face in his uncle's neck, utterly dejected.

To be fair, Lan Zhan looked rather stricken himself. It was adorable to watch and Wei Ying… Wei Ying knew that no matter whatever feelings he might be harboring, he only came as a set with his son. There was no possible way of heaping that responsibility on another person from the get go, on top of everything else, and yet. And yet. Lan Zhan was regarding a-Yuan with such fondness that it did strange things to Wei Ying's heart, and just like that courage bloomed in Wei Ying's chest.

"How about a compromise? Lan Zhan," he asked carefully. "You still have a few hours left until you have to be at the airport, don't you? Would you… Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Please, pretty gege, pretty please." A-Yuan loved the idea, immediately reaching his arms out in silent demand to be held. Wei Ying could only watch as Wen Ning oh so carefully leaned forward and tightened his hold so that a-Yuan could safely launch himself into Lan Zhan's open, waiting arms. He bet Lan Zhan hadn't even noticed how he held them out in a response that had seemed completely automatic.

"A-Yuan," Wei Ying reprimanded him gently, doing everything he could to ignore the adorable pout that pressed into Lan Zhan's shoulder. It was difficult to do with his heart singing like that.

"I would hate to intrude," Lan Zhan replied hesitantly, his eyes not leaving a-Yuan for a second and Wei Ying felt his heart constrict.

"I don't think anyone would mind," Wen Ning said, smiling gently.

"It won't be an issue, Lan Zhan, really." Their eyes met. "We still have a lot to… catch up on."

There was a spark that darkened Lan Zhan's eyes briefly, something heavy settling in the air between the two of them. Chance had brought Lan Zhan back into his life, and Wei Ying wanted to hold on. In any way he was allowed to. As long as he was allowed to.

"And you could meet… You could meet my family." Warmth spread deep in Wei Ying's chest as the word 'family' echoed in his mind, before he added in a whisper. "If you like."

"Wei Ying…" Finally, after what felt like an entire eternity, Lan Zhan spoke, the softest of smiles spreading on his face, gentle as the first rays of the sun on a misty morning. "I would very much love to meet your family."

"Great!" Wei Ying felt the smile split his face from one ear to another and amidst the cheers of his child that echoed the ones in his heart and started towards the door that Wen Ning held open for him. "Come on in then! Let's give everyone the shock of their life that I brought home such a handsome man!"

"Wei Ying…" It was spoken as a reprimand but it sounded like a chuckle.

"Hi, handsome! You're Lan Zhan, right? I've heard all about you!" Somewhere in his memory a cheerful voice greeted the most beautiful youth that there ever was. "I'm Wei Wuxian. I'll let you call me Wei Ying."

The door fell shut to the sound of Wei Ying's laugh.

[lovestrucked-again]

Profiles and How They Treat You - Mafia NCT

Masterlist / Part 2 : I’m planning to do only NCT2018 group as I’m not too familiar with WayV yet unfortunately. Please leave any feedback :) Not too sure how this concept will be liked yet. 

Taeil (Underboss) He manages any suspicious activities that may draw attention to the boys and the missions they’ve been completing. Considering most of their plans involve some sort of attention attracting tasks, Taeil is the one who covers all their traces (mainly because he’s the only one who can be trusted to do a good job at it). He manages to maintain good relationships with public officials such as lawyers, police officers, anyone who may be an advantage in the long run.

- Solemn, Quiet, low-key affection type - In charge of making things comes out as accident and looking like everyday problems

Johnny (International and Domestic Affairs) He’s normally one of the easiest to find within the household with his constant conversations going on. His voice can be heard almost 24/7 and usually it’s to some politician or important person. He normally sits on a comfy chair outside on the balcony from his room, trying to maintain a tranquil peace of mind while conversing with ignorant people. His involvement with international partners allows members such as Lucas and Doyoung to retrieve things they need from abroad. Additionally, keeping an association with such companies and people provides more power to NCT as a whole.   - The biggest switch from stern to soft; he’ll seem extremely serious talking about work but then have the biggest reversal into throwing aegyo at everyone - Constantly making fun of Y/N (in a loving way)

Taeyong (Leader) Most of the time he’s at the office or in the headquarters (basement) sorting through missions and prioritising what needs to be done. Outside of the house Taeyong is cold-blooded, brutal, stone-faced, threatening and every other scary word you can think of. If there are deals or arrangements that need to be done with international partners, Taeyong will consult with Johnny and Ten, gathering their opinions on the matter. Majority of the time, the customers are usual business partners but the probability of betrayal when making deals is high. He doesn’t participate in field missions unless the scale of the task is considered significant. He’ll keep an eye over the boys from headquarters with the tech boys.

Due to NCT being such a notorious gang, his completely against the idea of you leaving the house alone, afraid that there’s someone who will take advantage of you or use you against him.

- Very protective of the ones he loves - Soft with the dreamies and Y/N - Code of warning, never approach this man when he’s angry. - During his relaxing mind he prefers to be in the kitchen alone or with others. He likes to experiment with cooking and a lot of the kids enjoy whatever he cooks.   - Always checking the younger boys’ rooms before he goes to bed to make sure their asleep.

Yuta (Interrogation) His specialty is differing between lies and truth. He as the talent to notice little details about expressions and movements. Unlike many of the guys, Yuta is able to hide his impatience if he feels it’s necessary. He portrays himself as multiple different roles such as a sympathetic man, or play the good cop, bad cop, depending on who the person is. If nothing nice works (majority of the time), he’ll resort to using methods of discomfort including drugs and in worse case scenarios, torture.

Yuta is always your go to for advice. The way he talks about life and the things his witnessed makes his words so much more convincing and elegant. Maybe it’s because of what he does but he doesn't hesitate with advice. He’ll tell you straight what he believes and won’t go around in circles to avoid anything. He really treasures spending time one on one with everyone and so your relationship with him is one of the strongest. He’ll take you out all the time for dinner and you’ll ask him for help while you eat. - Really good at keeping straight faces - When his not inside the interrogation room, his pretty much always chatty and smiling

Kun (Medic) Due to the overloading amount of injuries and health issues the boy’s face, Kun was forced to find an assistant to help him when missions were hectic. So when Kun’s not busy looking after anyone, his either studying about health and healing processes, looking for vulnerable spots for attacking or teaching Renjun things like basic first aid as well as surgery assisting.

When it comes to the younger individuals, Kun tends to baby them out of habit. He worries a lot for the safety of the boys whenever they go on missions and his usually watching on the screens or preparing the medical equipment in advance of their return. You normally stay by his side when everyone’s gone as he portrays himself as to be the least affected. His been with Taeyong for a long time now so he is accustomed to the situation, but his fear of the boys returning with injuries beyond his capability haunts him constantly. - “Y/N can you come help me with stocktake for emergency kits.”  He’ll usually call you over before the missions to help him and keep your mind busy.

Doyoung (Intel specialist) Doyoung’s job is the foundation of the missions. His job includes tracing gangs, people or items to their exact coordinates. He can gather blueprints of all buildings possible, even for abroad. During missions he’ll be set up with Jisung connected to the earpieces with all the members on the field. Doyoung will usually guide the members while Jisung hacks into control of security systems and gains access to cameras. - Constantly nagging at you and complaining how you’re not going to survive all alone in this world. - Tell’s you off for not eating your meals at the right times, not studying, not exercising or not participating in training. - Constantly sending you nutritional plans from those healthy articles for girls - He feels he has the biggest understanding in realising that girls and guys can’t be treated the same in terms of food and emotions etc.

Ten (International and Domestic Affairs) Ten and Johnny work closely together handling all the international or domestic affairs and trades. While Johnny takes most of the calls at home, Ten prefers to meet them in person and because of that, he’s barely home. He’ll go sign contracts with people and assure them of the alliance benefits that they would gain while also confirming any suspicious doubts.

Ten is one of the more affectionate older boys and after not seeing you for a long time, he’ll always try and jump scare you when his home. He loves to grab your phone when your using it and runs off to hide it making you groan in frustration. Originally he used to do it to the younger boys but they started retaliating with their own pranks and so you became the new target.

Jaehyun (Leader 2) Even though Taeyong is the leader of the group, Jaehyun’s position is almost of similar ranking. His importance is just as crucial to the group. Depending on the type of mission or severity of threat, Jaehyun will lead the boys (usually being the middle tier of difficulty). If the mission is assumed to be higher in risk, Taeyong will be on field as well. Most of the boys will report back to Jaehyun just because Taeyong always seems to have too much on his plate.

While Doyoung nags you about daily life habits, Jaehyun is more concerned about your safety and protection. He is constantly trying to get you to learn basic defence skills with weapons after your lessons with Winwin. But you refuse to touch any gun or dangerous item. 

- Because you’re so desperate to help, he’ll usually leave you small tasks like researching (anything that doesnt involve violence) - He’ll joke around occasionally and leave a note on your door telling you to water the garden (even though you dont actually have one).

Winwin (Fighter - Hand to Hand combat major) He learnt how to fight from a young age earning black belts in taekwondo, judo, karate, any sort of martial arts possible. As well as that, he’s ability to predict the moves of his opponent make him extremely fast with recognising weaknesses and strengths. He teaches all the members and makes them spar occasionally just to make sure everyone’s skills are up to his liking. If someone seems to be lacking in an area, Winwin will force them for daily practices for at least 2 weeks before he decides whether they can stop or not. He’s pretty hard core when it comes to practice and takes the situation very realistically (that’s why we have a medic on hand).

After a month of staying with the boys and warming up to them, Taeyong suggested you did some training with Winwin as a precaution for self-defence. On the first day winwin said he’d take it easy and training was going to be light. However, you went back to your room that day after a 30minute visit with Kun and a ban from going back to training for a week. ⁃ “Keep your hands in front of your face Y/N” he’d say after knocking you on the side. He’d help you up but continue the training with no leniency.

Jungwoo (Social, Undercover specialist) He works closely with Lucas managing the social compartments and maintaining clients. He’ll keep an eye on potential nuisances from other gangs who visit the clubs. As well as that he uses these social environments to gather data on other gangs as well as keeping an eye on them. However, his main job includes working as an assassin. Those business partners who end up betraying Taeyong or the team? Jungwoo hunts them down. He’ll leave the house for a couple of days unexpectedly and you’ll always get a text from him before he disappears, “I’m staying at a friend’s place for a couple of days, stay safe xx.” Initially you had no idea what the actual meaning behind it was but after a couple of times you realised. After all, this wasn't just a normal family.

Lucas (Weapons and Social) Lucas is normally better with women when it comes to making deals or finding out information flaunting his looks. However, with guys, he takes a much more different approach, somewhat similar to Taeyong. You’d never be able to guess his age, he’d give of vibes of a leader himself. He’ll go out to the clubs or bars most of the nights, occasionally taking a night off at home. During the daytime his mostly sleeping, training or looking into new weaponry. He is always aware of what equipment they need or what types of bullets are necessary for the mission. As well as that, he’s most skilled with all types of weapons from guns to bows to grenades.   - Tries to headlock you as a forceful method of making you “practice” hand to hand combat. - Will text you on a daily basis for no reason at all and pretty much treat you as a personal diary. - Sends memes to you and the dreamies whenever he finds something funny but most of the time, it’s not actually funny…

Mark (All-rounder) Mark is an all-rounder with skills. If he wasn't so young, Taeyong may have given him a higher position. However, Taeyong doesn't really treat Mark like his age and gives him a lot more work than the others in terms of planning and research. Mark is usually up at night very late and sleeps very little but despite that, he doesn't complain. He gets involved a lot in discussions and debates with the older guys, contributing his thoughts. He takes lead on the field if it’s not a highly risky mission.

He knows how hard it was for you to adapt to the house and the situation and because of that, he’s constantly checking in on you. Knocking on your door before bed to see if you’re okay. Mark will tell you the most when it comes to missions that they have. Most of the others will hide a lot of the truth so you don't worry but Mark finds that just causes you more concern. He keeps a few sections left out but majority of the information he’ll tell you. - Your relationship with Mark is one of the closest as his only older than you by a little and his room is just next to yours. - At the beginning when you first came, he’d keep his door left ajar just so you could see that you weren’t alone in the house. - Occasionally when you wake up at like 3am for water, you’d see the light underneath his door was still on. So you’d bring back some tea for him on your way back, telling him to sleep already.

[crazycoke-addict]

Shallon Lester needs to be held accountable

If you’re wondering who she is. Shallon Lester is a YouTuber who makes videos of celebrities whether it be relationships or other stuff in general. She’s also MTV personality and may have connection with some celebrities but not all. I discovered Shallon when a video was recommended for me and it was about the Khloe/Tristan/Jordyn that went down last year. She talks about how Khloe should’ve been aware whom she was dating and how the kardashians treated Jordyn wasn’t ok. I didn’t watch the whole video because she began degrading Jordyn Woods. I can’t remember the exact thing she said but it was basically Khloe is the beautiful one like Jordyn is not. I see this as being racist.

Khloe has done a lot of surgery on herself from her face to her butt even she denies it, it’s clear that she has done surgery. Jordyn however it doesn’t seem like she has ever done any surgery on herself just lost weight naturally. The kardashians and also the Jenners are known for profiting off of black culture and they are obsessed to look like a black woman. They deny this but there’s so many proof like how Kim uses a foundation that doesn’t match her skin tone. They are blackfishing and people like Shallon see them as ‘beautiful’ and even praise them but degrade and hate on a real black woman who has all these features that the kardashians and other white insta models are trying to steal. Because of white supremacy Black girls were taught not to love themselves and their mind were poisoned into believing that European beauty standards was better. Flash forward to today and you got white girls pretending to be a black Woman for clout and get likes and followers.

I didn’t watch any of her other videos because she didn’t really peak my interest and especially after that video she made that I mentioned. A video that she made was recommended to me again and it was about why Scott Disick shouldn’t be dating Sofia Richie. She basically goes into detail as many people have said about why this relationship isn’t going to work out. The age difference, Sofia is 21 while Scott is 36 so there’s a 15 year gap between them, Scott has three kids with another woman and she mentioned his past. To be honest I don’t care much about age difference as long as both parties are in legal age and it’s consent. I find the relationship between Scott and Sofia not problematic as many trying to make it out like. He doesn’t drink that much as he used to and it seems like he cleaned up his act because of her. I don’t think Sofia pushed to change him, but I do think she’s the reason along with his kids he decided to get his shit together. Although girls that are Sofia’s age are still trying to figure out everything and relationship with older man can go different ways until they look back and realise there were a lot of red flags. There are girls like Sofia are actually mature for her age and they know it too. One of the celebrity couples I’ll give an example is Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. When they met each other, Humphrey was 45 and Lauren was 19. The way Lauren carries herself shows that she’s mature person for someone her age. Although the age difference is quite big, the two got married, had two kids and stayed married until bogart’s death in 1957. So it can work for some but not all.

Many would agree on Shallon when talking about the age difference but she comes off as hypocritical. She doesn’t agree with an older man dating a younger woman but is ok with an older woman dating a younger man. Her defense was younger women become sexually traumatised but apparently younger men aren’t going to share the same experience. This becomes more uncomfortable when funding out that she made tweets about Justin Bieber about having sex dreams with him in it. The tweet that was made in 2010, she was 25 and he was only 16. Why is a 25 year old woman tweeting on having sex dreams about a child. It’s creepy and disgusting.

When she talks about certain celebrities or even certain topics, majority of the time she acts like she knows what she’s talking about. It’s the way she says make you believe that everything she said 100% accurate to the point where it feels like she’s manipulating you. It seems like she considers herself as a physiology and has even try to diagnose celebrities based on what she has heard despite not being accurate. Her latest video is about Ellen DeGeneres and how to spot a psychopath. In video, she goes straight to Ellen and her marriage with Porsche by saying that Ellen was mean to her wife and refused to give her a baby. She says this is allegedly as what she has heard, but Portia on other hand said she doesn’t mind not having kids. The way she tries to self-diagnosis Ellen to see if she has psychopaths tendency and even try to compare Ellen to Adolf Hitler because they both love animals. I love animals does that mean I’m Hitler. It’s so weird and just ridiculous.

She tackles on another serious topic like Mental Health and suicide by making video about Pete Davidson. The video is titled “Ariana Grande & Pete Davidson: how beta males manipulate women”. There was certain time when Pete wasn’t in a good place. He deleted all of his social media accounts but before doing that he wrote a statement which appear to be a suicide note. Everyone was worried about his well-being. Pete has been about his mental health issues and how he suffers from Borderline Personallty Disorder and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. Shallon doesn’t like Pete because he’s not doing anything to fix his mental disorder. What Shallon is doing is victim-blaming and very insensitive as well. You can’t be fix in way as what she is implying there’s no cure for mental health. The only that Pete can do is seek treatment. People with BPD can get treatment but it’s not something that can be cured. She talked about where Pete did an interview with Charlemagne the god. It doesn’t seem like she even watched the video, because she sees Pete going to rehab or getting help in order to get more drugs. She also thinks that people suffering from BPD can’t seek treatment because it’s not something you can get treated because it’s part of your personality. This is so ignorant and incredibly harmful.

She mentions how in the interview Pete Davidson says he use to cut himself and how Charlemagne didn’t asked them in that when he actually did which shows that she didn’t watch the video at all. She also doesn’t think he goes to therapy when he actually does. Like she did with the Ellen DeGeneres video, she thinks him having bipolar disorder and even BPD is connected to his mother and sister. Like something bad happened in the family household. He lost his father due to 9/11 so he probably suffered from loss and trauma, But it’s not the way she’s implying at all. It’s like she’s saying he can’t have good and stable relationship with his mum and sister because he has a mental disorder. The way she talks about Pete shows how much she hates men who talk about their mental health issues. She is one of the reasons on why men have a hard time expressing their emotions and deciding to mental disorder they suffer from because it’s people like her whom are going shunned them and even said that they don’t deserve any love and happiness.

She also hates Selena Gomez and even calls Selena her “mortal enemy” even though Selena probably doesn’t know who she is. Her hatred towards Selena has to be an extend of her being attracted to Justin Bieber when he was 16. She says that she could help Selena and whatever issues that she’s battling but doesn’t want to because ‘Selena is annoying’. Imagine you going to therapy and telling your therapist how you been feeling and they says ‘I would love to help you but your annoying’. She says that if Selena dies from overdose than it’s our fault for not holding her accountable and says that Selena isn’t going to make it to 27. Her dying gets better. Which is completely disgusting and just insensitive. She says that Selena has bad tattoos and even though one of her tattoos is a semicolon that is located on her wrist. The semicolon actually means something very important which is a solidarity against suicide, depression and other mental health issues.

Overall Shallon Lester is a horrible white woman who doesn’t know what she’s talking about spreads false lies on people and does the harmful by trying to diagnose a person because you just don’t like them.

[rockthistowninsideout]

JyoumiChallenge 2020

November 3rd – Cooking...Favourite Version of Jou

Rating: General Audiences Words: 992

This is (not) a disaster

“Minasan konbanwa – Welcome my lovely cooking community to another episode of Cuisine With Mimi! My name is Mimi Tachikawa and today we wanna have a look into a rather magnifique way of cooking – namely the French one! But I won’t be alone on my quest of discovering this interesting and wildly varied cuisine and conquering some of the more challenging recipes. My guest today is Jou Kido, an extraordinary doctor who happens to be my boyfriend!”

  The smile Mimi gives him when the camera swings over to broadcast his by nervousness red-patched face is meant to be encouraging but Jou hardly notices. He feels about to be strangled and gulps heavily, his adam’s apple quivering. A glance over to the monitor lets him nearly wince. His forehead is way too glossy, there’s a strand of hair that’s decided to ditch the laws of physics and stands at a 90° degree angle, and he’d rather not think about the aforementioned uneven red patches all over his cheeks. 

  When the camera light goes out and the directive assistant indicates a short video that’ll give an overview of croissants, snails, and baguettes, as well as some lesser known specialities, Jou turns to Mimi and asks in defeat “Why haven’t you invited Yamato or Takeru? They are half-french and Yamato can actually cook. My experience hardly extends the various versions of ramen.”

   “All that’s true. But France is the country of romance and Yamato is not my boyfriend.”

   Unbeatable Mimi logic. Nothing that Jou can argue over.

   The two are now ushered behind the huge kitchen counter of the studio, it’s as big as his bedroom in the small apartment opposite the hospital he works at. He and Mimi haven’t moved in together yet because she’s always on tour, giving cooking classes all over the world, while he basically lives in the hospital. It’s rather surprising that he has the day off to film the show but probably Mimi has used her irresistible powers of persuasion on his boss. He suspects she’s a big fan of Mimi’s show, at least judging by the complementary cook book that he’s seen wedged between all those medical handbooks in her office.

   “And we’re back in three, two, one!”

   The camera pans over to them and Mimi says “Today’s recipes I’m very curious about because they’ve become essentials around the world and are also well-loved here in Japan. But! Most of the time people buy them in stores even though, with a few tips and tricks, they can be made at home just as easily. We will start with the croissant dough because that has to be refrigerated for two hours.”

   She spreads her hands to showcase the ingredients needed. “Jou, would you be so kind to attach the dough hook to the stand mixer and switch it on?”

   Sweat pearls on Jou’s forehead. Where he can basically do surgeries in the dark and still find the right instruments, he is helpless when it comes to kitchen equipment (and, to be honest, any other tool outside the operating theatre).

   Mimi seems to notice. A tiny nod to the right, and the camera zooms in on her assembling the dry ingredients in an extra bowl. That step is actually unnecessary but it gives the assistant the chance to point out what a dough hook is and how to attach it to the mixer. Jou nods frantically as a thank you, but then the focus is back on him.

   “Here we will stir together the yeast and the water which needs to be warmed to about 46 degrees. Then we’ll let it sit for about ten minutes. In the meantime…”

   Thankfully, for most of the show, Mimi handles the spotlight. He is tasked with small aids, such as washing the lamb’s lettuce or putting oil in a pan and switching on the hob. Whenever he is out of shot he just watches Mimi.

   This is the perfect platform for her. She can present herself in frilly aprons and matching dresses, ramble about the food and everything else that comes to her mind, and in general just enjoy the Mimi Show as much as the viewers do.

   Ratings have soared in the past two years since the show is on, climbing with every new season even higher. She’s started in the afternoon program on weekends, then moved to the early evenings on weekdays, then once a week during primetime, and now the show has garnered so much acclaim that it’s the major Saturday evening show, the highlight of every month. Usually her guests are much more illustrious. Other famous TV personalities have cooked with her, first just of national, then also of international renown. Even the prime minister has chopped vegetables with Mimi.

   But, as she freely admits in many an interview, she likes to cook with none other more than her long-time childhood friend and now partner. So fans have started a hashtag, #cookingwithkido, where they have been begging Mimi to finally show them the both totally unknown and yet internet-famous Jou Kido. They have tried to unearth his identity but Jou is completely inactive on the world wide web. No social media presence, nothing. And miraculously, none of his patients has so far posted a picture with a caption “Mimi Tachikawa is not the only one Dr Jou Kido lays his gentle hands on”. Which Jou is very thankful for.

   Still, he has caved in to Mimi’s plea to appear on the show, and it didn’t even need a lot of doe eyes from her side. That’s just how it is. Mimi asks, Jou gives. But he never feels drained, or taken advantage of. That’s a concept far out of Mimi’s personality. Her abundant joy, her careless view on the world that she has kept regardless of all the perilous events in the Digital World and the show business alike, make up for everything she wants from him. And he doesn’t want to have it any other way.