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panickinganakin · 4 years

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companionship Kylo Ren x Reader (au)

chapter 5! you can find the other chapters here!

A/N So, Supreme Leader Snoke has spared you your life. You’re training with Kylo begins now. I’m having so much fun writing this! Thanks for everyone who is reading and liking it! I have began to post on ao3 as well! you can find me at panickinganakin (same as here!) Thanks again! enjoy chapter five!

Warnings: they are training to fight, so mention of blood, passing out, bruising, SOFTKYLO,ILOVEYOU

Word count: 2586

That night you dreamed of Kylo. The way he told you the loneliness did end sometimes, the way his cool skin felt on yours. Did he mean that about you? Were you the key to softening the commander?

You woke up the sound of shouting. You jumped up, confused but ready to fight. You felt ridiculous, passing a mirror, your fists were clenched. You pushed your door open and Kylo was pacing the main room. “Oh good, you’re awake.”

“Yeah, uhm, I’m up. You could have just, I don’t know, knocked on my door, you didn’t have to yell?” You huffed, a little annoyed. You enjoyed sleeping, it was your favorite activity and it’s gotten harder since the day they found out about your midi-chlorian count.

Kylo frowned, “What are you talking about? I wasn’t yelling,” suddenly his faced softened. He was dipping into your brain, trying to see what you had heard. “It’s hard, to ignore it. It feels like it’s right beside you.”

You knew your face held all of the confusion your brain held, “What? I heard you-“ you stopped. Was it Kylo you heard? You weren’t sure, you just know you jumped up. The force, the Jedis, they were after you again. “Why did all of this happen at once? It’s like it was a switch. If I’ve always had the force in me, why didn’t happened before now?” You slumped down into the couch.

He stood in front you, thinking over his words, “It’s like it has to wake up. The force isn’t ready to fight until it is. Of course, if you know you have it as a child, it’s different. My mother had it, my Uncle was a Jedi. We knew it was there, I started training young.”

This was the first time he had mentioned his family, you wanted to know more. “So you knew your family?” It felt almost unfair. The Order kidnapped you, you had no choice. Why would someone choose to leave their family if they actually knew them and got to grow up in a home?

“Family isn’t always a good thing. I’m sorry you were ripped from yours. But, believe me, it saves so much heartache. It doesn’t give them the chance to betray you.” His fists were clenched now, his jaw tight. This explained a lot suddenly.

“Your family? They betrayed you?” You felt connected to him, you had since the first night here. But, now you craved more, wanting to get closer.

“We have a lot to do today, maybe another time we can discuss pleasantries.” He grabbed his helmet, you felt your mood drop, you didn’t like it. You preferred him much more like this; hair hanging down in soft waves, deep eyes exposed. “You have a new robe set in my closet, I had it delivered today. Please change, then we will leave.”

You stood up without another word, then went to his room. It was a lot like yours, much less homey though. Whereas your room had a dresser with a mirror, he had not a single mirror. His closet door was slid open. It felt almost comical, how everything in there was the same. Black robes, black cape, black boots, black gloves, over and over again.

There was a red bag, zipped up completely with a small paper on it that had your name on it. You took the bag, going back to close Kylo’s door. You laid it across his bed, unzipping it slowly. You had expected black robes similar to his, just more feminine. You were pleasantly surprised to see red fabric in some spots.

After putting it on, you went to your room to examine yourself in the mirror. It fell a few inches below your knees, the black fabric was soft, extremely comfortable. Your hands ran over the red belt that hugged your waist. You ran your hands through your hair, it wasn’t a bad look. Maybe the dark side suited you.

When you exited the room, Kylo was waiting at the door. “Now you look like someone who is ready to train. Come.”

As you followed Kylo out of the quarters you had a hundred questions. Where would you two be going? Would you be flying somewhere? And when the hell would you get your own lightsaber?

“When you earn it,” he mumbled, stepping in front of a door, waiting for it to open.

Damn, he had the advantage of being in your head. That wasn’t fair. Maybe after you trained and learn to control this better, you could be in his too. “How do I earn one?”

“You learn to control the force, learn to fight. Prove to me that you are worthy of wielding your own, then, you will get one.”

You nodded, not willing to argue. He didn’t seem like one to budge from his decisions. “Will I have to wear a mask?”

You tried to picture yourself in a mask like his, or something similar. It seemed ridiculous to you, you would die before it, you decided. “Not if you don’t want.”

You felt satisfied with that answer and decided to not ask anymore questions. The scenery of the ship now felt foreign to you. Just a week ago you were scooting around the place, cleaning living quarters. Which, you hoped you never had to clean another shower again, except for your own of course.

You walked through the cafeteria, people were sitting in their uniforms, gawking at you as you trailed behind Kylo. “We won’t be coming back through today, you need to grab food for later.”

You nodded, following him to the line of people waiting for a meal. They stepped aside for you, it was odd, everyone moved as if Kylo was parting a sea. They all stayed quiet, aside from a few harsh whispers, as you gathered a box to take with you.

“Imbecils,” Kylo mumbled as you two finally got away from everyone.

“People love to talk. There’s not a lot of new things that happen for the workers. We’re- they’re mostly in the dark about stuff. I remember, never getting updates on much. Unless there is an assembly called.”

He nodded, not offering much more to the conversation. You were sure it was because he didn’t know what it felt like. You couldn’t remember exactly when he joined the ship, but you did remember that it was talked about for weeks. A new Commander, sent to us directly by Supreme Leader Snoke himself. Rumors of human, alien, all types of things were said. You never imagined the dark haired man that really lived under the costume.

“Here we are,” he said, punching at a keypad.

The door opened to reveal a large room, almost the size of the cafeteria. There were padded walls, robots powered down in various spots of the room. A table full of droids, you had seem them before, they flew and spit lasers. “We will be practicing hand to hand combat today.”

Hand to hand combat? Your stomach dropped, you couldn’t remember the last time you threw a punch, in fact, you don’t think you had ever done that before. “Kylo, I’m actually a pacifist.”

You could hear the chuckle through his mask, “Were. You were a pacifist. Now you’re a fighter, a killer.”

You couldn’t picture yourself having to kill anyone. None of that mattered now, you either had to fight or die. The most important thing was you continued to live. But did that even matter? Living? You had no friends, no family, no one to come back to bed at night that cared if you survived. You were alone.

“Once you have your lightsaber it is very rare that you would have to use only your fists and such. However, it is possible for your opponent to disarm you. Step one, never underestimate your opponent.” Before you could even blink Kylo had you pinned down on the ground, all the air knocked out of your lungs.

“Fuck,” you coughed pushing your hands against him. It was useless, you couldn't even budge his body.

“Up, try again. Look at what I do, try to judge what my next move will be.”

You were up, wiping the sweat off your cheek. “That doesn’t seem fair does it? Considering you’re in my head.”

“You will never know what your enemy is able to do, until they show you. Don’t let assumptions be your weakness.”

You nodded, understanding what he meant. You seen him lift his arm up, his hand in a fist, coming for the right side of your face. You threw your arm up to block it but before you could even realize what was happening, his leg was hitting against your ribs. You coughed loudly, hitting the floor.

Kylo stood above you, “Up.”

For what felt like hours of agony, you were repeatedly knocked down time and time again. You could feel the bruises forming on your spine, your ribs, hip and head. With each punch you grew angrier, was this his goal? You felt your legs shaking, you were so close to passing out. Your body refused to take another blow, it would rather perish.

Somewhere along the way Kylo had pulled his mask off, maybe it was to eat, the events were running together at this point. You could taste the metal in your mouth, blood that was slowly dripping from your nose continuesly making its way back to your lips. Would it ever stop oozing?

Kylo’s arm reared back, coming straight for the side of your head, it felt slow motion, your vision blurred. Focus. You bent your knees crouching down, lifting your leg to meet his side. He stuck an arm out to block your leg, so you pushed your hands forward, straight into his chest.

Kylo fell back onto the ground, you stuck your knee into his stomach, towering above him. Your face was inches from his, his eyes looked black, like coal, “I win.”

“Pinning me down once against my hundreds of times does not count as a win,” for moment is his eyes twitched up like the corners of his mouth.

You would have bet he was finding humor in the blood splattered on your face, the hair matted against your skin, you bet it was funny how much of a train wreck you looked like right now. You tried to stifle a laugh but suddenly your body was cold, your vision disappeared.

You woke up on the couch, confused and disoriented. Kylo was standing off in the corner, “What happened?” Your throat was dry, you needed water.

“I kicked your ass today. Your body finally gave out.” He sounded so serious, you rolled your eyes standing up. You were shaky but managed to keep a steady foot.

“I got you one good time, so maybe you didn’t entirely win this, right?” You went straight for the kitchen, the soft sounds of his bare feet following behind you.

Grabbing a glass from a cabinet by the pantry you turned on the faucet, giving it a few moments to become completely ice cold before filling the cup. “So tomorrow then, I was thinking, we would try again.”

The mention of fighting with Kylo again made you realize how sore you were. You body felt like a tightly wound rubber band. You sighed, holding at your arms. From what you could see without a mirror, you elbows and shoulders were bruised. You grabbed the bottom of your robes, wait, when did you change out of your black robes?

“I had a maid change you, after bathing you. You were out cold.”

You nodded, you examined your stomach and chest, your ribs and thighs all had nast bruising on them. “Damn, Kylo,” you huffed turning so he could see what you were looking at. Maybe it should have felt weird, letting him see so much of you but then again, it really didn’t. “You could have at least asked me to dinner first.”

Kylo tilted his head, an expression of defense covered his face, “I make sure you have dinner every night!”

You busted out in laughter, quickly clutching your rib cage, “Don’t make me laugh, it’s painful.” You turned on your feet, feeling the cool tile on your bare skin made you feel better. “Well then, tomorrow then?”

“Tomorrow.”

You had hoped he would follow you to your room, offering to sit beside you as you found sleep that night, just like he did the night before. You laid in bed, eyes covering every part of the ceilings over and over again before you realized he wasn’t coming.

You sat up, debating on what the right decision was. You were lonely, just his very presence healed a large part of that. When alone in your room you felt as if the galaxies very own black hole would bust through your walls and suck you in for eternity. An eternity of pure and udder loneliness.

When you left your bed you realized just how cold it was. You could feel your skin tighten up, chills decorating your body from your neck to your ankles. You tiptoed across the short walkway that separated your bedroom door and Kylo’s. Reaching for the door, your body felt lighter as you realized it was open, unlocked. Did he know? These days everyone seemed to know more about you than you did yourself.

You walked slowly to his bed, he was curled up one end of it, soft black clothes covered most of his body. His black hair pushed around and matted against his skin. His eyes were shut but you sensed a great unease coming from him.

You crawled into his bed, as gently as you could, sliding your body under the black sheets. They were soft, so soft. You could see yourself sleeping in this bed so easily, the way it formed to your body like a mold. At first you took the other half the bed, the bed was very large so it was a safe distance. But the look on his face, the sadness, it made you scoot closer. You were a fingers distance away now, you could feel the even pattern of his breath.

You laid your hand against his cheek, not daring to rip your eyes away from him. As if your looks could protect him. You knew your hand must have been cold but he didn’t mind, he hardly moved at all. The only thing that changed but his expression. The scared look and sadness faded slowly and was replaced a calm look of ease.

If you’re looking for companionship here, you won’t find it here.

That’s what he said to you all those days ago, you smiled, closing your eyes. He lied. You were his friend, and you knew it. If it was untrue he would have made you leave when he woke up. But, instead, his eyes met yours and he smiled softly. “Hi.” He whispered. Even with him awake you didn’t move your hand, he moved his to sit on top of yours. His hands were soft and warm, they made you feel better. “Couldn’t sleep?”

You shook your head and bit your lip, besides today in the training room this was the closest you had ever been. You were just inches away from each other, “Sorry.”

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?”

“For intruding in your quarters.”

“I’m not sorry,” he said moving his hand to your face now.

You two laid there like that, just staring at each other. You didn’t remember falling asleep but you did remember that wasn’t hard, not with him beside you.

chapter six

taglist: @bensoloslover @crockgoblin69 @napping-is-my-favorite @shesakillerkween

#kylo ren #kylo #star wars #Star Wars au #Kylo Ren au #Kylo Ren fanfiction #restoring balance #writing

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othernecessarythings · 5 years

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RAWRING 20s ASKS

I made some asks! Have fun!

1. Are you more emo, scene or punk?

um i think emo but only in music taste, i dress quite casual and stuff like that

2. Favourite band?

right now paramore!!

3. Any New Year's resolutions?

ye several, for example seeing at least 10 artists live, some different drugs and have over 800 songs on my playlist,, i like to keep my resolutions as actually possible goals, so that’s that

4. Favourite music video?

ooh maybe hard times? call me basic but i love it.. or like the short video of forest by tøp, where he walks on a street, ye that ones special too

5. Favourite song?

nooo don’t make me choose i love so many?? but like turn it off, graveyard whistling, ouch, avalanche, sudden desire, let’s go (khalid), ribs and like teen idle be kinda hitting rn ngl

6. Panic! At The Disco or Fall Out Boy?

um old panic, i don’t listen to fall out boy as much as i used to

7. Favourite album?

fight me but vessel and the black parade hasn’t got any bad song, and they will always have a very special place in my heart,, but right now? like nothing but thieves’ self titled, after laughter, amo and melodrama

8. Do you own a pair of fingerless gloves or skeleton gloves (or the combination)?

no but i wish i did

9. Do you own any band merch? If so, from what bands?

some, from tøp, paramore and bmth, but i only use my purple paramore hoodie

10. Got a jacket with pins?

i had one but then i took of my pins so not anymore i guess

11. Have you got dyed hair? What colour?

ye i dyed it black a few months ago, so it’s black/brown-ish rn

12. Any hair dying or haircut plans for 2020?

absolutely i’m going to cut it really soon, and i’ll probably dye it quite soon as well

13. Crush on any band member?

uh hayley williams i’m free on wednesdays please h it me up on a wednesday what are you doing next wednesday i’m free on wednesday hayley please

14. Killjoy name?

oo i haven’t thought of one yet

15. Are you into The Used?

16. Do you want any tattoos? Of what?

i’ve got one small, but i’d like a few more, like a matching with my sister and stuff but i don’t know any other specifically, just that i want it

17. Can you play any instruments? Which?

mm i’m actually quite good at piano, been playing a few years now

18. Favourite My Chemical Romance song?

oof there’s so many slapping songs, but like one from each album would be honey this mirror isn’t big enough, helena, teenagers/disenchanted, sing/planetary go,, and i am aware that’s basic but like there’s a reason why just those songs have become popular? they’re so damn good (and don’t at me with sing hate, it is a masterpiece and do not deserve the slanter i see on the tl)

19. Do you think Twenty One Pilots are emo?

as a former tøp stan myself can i say quite firmly that they’re definitely emo, but we need to re-evaluate what emo actually means, bc like in terms of the 00’s emo music? no, they’re not emo. they’re not like the emo trinity (lol), BUT they’re the perfect description of a modern emo band? so, no tøp isn’t emo in the old fashioned way, but yes they’re emo in a newer context,, and their stans are definitely emo i mean like come on

20. Are you into Taking Back Sunday?

nah

21. Do you wear any make up?

yeah but just casual, i’m always so amazed by people who wear lots of cool makeup every day, i could never

22. Do you have black painted nails?

lol ye always

23. Have you got any band posters? Of what bands?

mm i’ve got one with paramore that i like, and one with blackbear which is only because i likes the color schemes of it, i don’t listen to him otherwise

24. Do you want any piercings?

not right now

25. What's your opinion on All Time Low? Sleeping With Sirens? Pierce The Veil?

they’re cool i guess but i’ve never looked into them any further

26. Do you think it's just a phase or that you'll be emo/punk\scene forever?

oh the music will always live on with me, but how i think and express myself around the subject “being alternative/emo/pop-rock/whatever” will probably change as i grow into another phase of my life,, and like i’m okay with the thought of living my life in phases, and i’ll probably not be too ashamed of my current self a few years from now

27. Favourite magical/mythical creature?

i don’t really know any :(

28. Are you into Black Veil Brides?

nope

29. Do you like any newer emo/scene/punk bands? Which?

no not really i’m a quite boring music person in the sense of that i only listen to like the same five bands for a whole year,, so all the bands i’m listening to currently are releasing new music, but were created a while ago

30. What's your favourite music genre besides emo/punk\scene?

probably indie rock

31. Are you into Mindless Self Indulgence?

nein

32. Favourite Fall Out Boy song?

uh like i’m a slut for folie so like 27 or the shipped golden standard, but dance dance has always been a personal favorite

33. Are you mostly into the so-called "emo trinity" or "emo quartet" or do you listen to a lot of other bands too?

sigh i listened to both the trinity and the quartet a lot in 2018, i was a big fan of this whole trinity/quarter thing, but now do i just occasionally listen to some of them, but they’re definitely the roots of my emo path in this life

34. What's your opinion on Waterparks? Palaye Royale? I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME?

ooh idkhow are both emo/alt/pop-rock and quite new!! i forgot them earlier in this post! ye i love idkhow and their music, but i don’t really listen to waterparks or palaye royale

35. Are you into Bring Me The Horizon?

sure as hell am baby, love them

36. Favourite solo project by a emo/scene\punk band member?

right now is hayley williams solo project petals for armor a huge favorite of mine

37. Are any of your friends IRL emo/scene\punk?

um like kinda yes? or some of them have got the style but not the music, and some have got the music but not the style, so i guess it all adds up to a yes

38. Are you into drawing? If so, show some of your art!

ah i really wish i was creative but unfortunately am i not

39. Favourite colours and colour schemes?

red+black or pastel colors, i shift a lot based on mood, but my go to color schemes are dark blue and black bc i’m always comfortable in them

40. What are some of your favourite lyrics?

damn such a good question, i’ll make a separate post for it and continuesly update it with new lyrics!!

41. The Black Parade or Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge?

sorry but i’m a tbp fan, and you can’t convince me otherwise,, like i love revenge a lot but the black parade just hits different y’know?

42. What's your opinion on Paramore? Green Day? Blink-182?

well my biggest obsession right now is paramore so in short; i absolutely am in love with hayley, taylor and zac, the whole concept of paramore and of course their music+other content, even though they’ve gone through rough (or should i say hard) times

and i’ve listened some to green day, they’re really great and i like them, but there’s too much to get into and i’m not ready to be that much of a huge green day stan yet (will probably never be either) but i can absolutely casually enjoy their music and jam with their songs, without having to get into it any deeper

and for blink-182, i feel like they’re a bit too far away from my preferred genre right now, i will maybe listen to them in the future, probably not, but you never know anything for sure

so that’s all,, i love answering questions like this even though no one will ever read it and i’m cringe i know alright but it makes me feel happy so i’ll keep doing it

#just for my own sake #julias mind

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