#this post brought to you by ONCE AGAIN seeing something that claimed a non-villainous character had schizophrenia only for me to

[musical-chick-13]

-_-

[twobitmulder]

When did Storm Shadow Become a Villain?

There is a scene in GI Joe Resolute where Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are having their obligatory Ninja Battle and (Spoilers I Guess) Storm Shadow reveals that he orchestrated his uncle, The Hard Master’s, death and that he fully meant to kill Snake Eyes as well, out of jealousy and because his uncle would not teach him the final secret to killing a man in seven steps, fearing that young Storm Shadow was too volatile and violent. Towards the end of the battle Storm Shadows wrist bands come off, revealing his Arashikage tattoo on one arm and a Cobra Sigil on the other.

This version of Storm Shadow (Voiced by “every Beagle Boy on Ducktales” Eric Bauza) stands out amongst his post-2000 incarnations as an unrepentant psychopath, but still falls in line with the prominent view of Storm Shadow as a villain--one of the main villains with a special hatred for his GI Joe counterpart.

This is the version I grew up with. GI Joe vs Cobra through Sigma 6 were the prominent Joe adaptations when I was the target demographic and all throughout Storm Shadow was a bad guy to varying degrees. 

I knew in the classic Hama stuff he eventually defected, but I was not prepared for just how much he’s a heroic character from the start. There’s no big sword dual with Snake Eyes, no Anakin and Obi Wan style “friend turned bitter enemy” dynamic. It’s made clear from jump that Tommy is undercover in Cobra and remains an honorable man in search of justice. He leaves Cobra quickly and is branded as a Joe in all his figures until 2000--when they started packing their characters in two-packs with one Joe and one Cobra. In all appearances, Storm Shadow is more a Joe than a Cobra. So what led to the the modern view of Storm Shadow as a bad guy, who, even when he gets his redemption, still has a mean streak and a cruel manner? How did a character in a toy driven franchise who had more toys as a hero than a villain end up as one of the franchise’s most consistent villains?

*(For simplicity’s sake, this is only going to cover film and television portrayals of the character).

*Spoilers for pretty much every GI Joe adaptation to follow.

The first portrayal of Storm Shadow as Cobra Commander’s loyal and competent hatchet man (one of the few) is not too much older than Hama’s original Marvel version. The Sunbow version of Storm Shadow (voiced by “guy you’ve heard in everything” Keone Young) remained a loyal cobra agent--with none of the Hama version’s depth. 

He had what you might call “standard cartoon Ninja honor” where he clearly had some kind of code of ethics, but was primarily an arrogant killer (as much as he could be in a cartoon) who fought primarily with Spirit and Quick Kick (voiced by wonderfully talented “guy you’ve seen in everything” Francois Chau) as Snake Eyes was largely shunted to the side in the cartoon. The echoes of Sunbow Storm Shadow can be seen in pretty much every non-comic adaptation that followed.

Skipping right over the Dic continuation of the Sunbow cartoon because Storm Shadow actually is a Joe in that, as he was in the comics and figures of the time (and because I haven’t seen it) we come to the 2000′s era.

The Spy Troops and Valor vs. Venom DTV movies had a Storm Shadow (voiced by “guy who got his blood ripped out by Magneto in X2: X-Men United” Ty Olsson) who was essentially his Sunbow self with one major change. He actually had a history with Snake Eyes, and a bitter rivalry. The details are not gone into in either film (you get a little more in the figure file cards and mini-comics of the era) but Storm Shadow accuses Snake Eyes of betraying the Arashikage. The implication being that either Storm Shadow blames Snake Eyes for some crime or another or that there was a schism in clan. 

The File cards of the time movie go from acknowledging Storm Shadow’s time as a Joe, and claiming he’s working with Cobra again for unknown reasons, to establishing their own canon that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were once best friends and “Sword Brothers” before Storm Shadow fell to the dark side and joined Cobra. Though Storm Shadow’s file card does end with the ominous implication that he’s got his own agenda in working with Cobra (just like his Hama incarnation) the DTV films imply that he’s a Cobra loyalist in addition to his feud with Snake Eyes.

Spy Troops and Valor vs. Venom lead in a semi-canonical way to GI Joe Sigma 6 where Storm Shadow (voiced by “guy whose only other role I recognize is pulling double duty as Zeke Stane and Living Laser in the Iron Man 3 videogame” Tom Wayland) more or less continues the previous two iterations’ version of Storm Shadow. He once again accuses Snake Eyes of some great betrayal that broke their friendship. The GI Joe website at the time includes the detail that Storm Shadow was infiltrating Cobra when he was brainwashed into becoming a loyal Cobra agent. It’s another concession, like his 2001 file card, to Hama’s heroic double agent, while still portraying him in line with Sunbow’s villainous henchman. 

GI Joe Resolute comes next, where we see a departure from any pretense of Storm Shadow being a good guy. Resolute, in many ways, comes off as a gritty direct continuation of the Sunbow series, and it takes Sunbow’s villainous Storm Shadow and strips him of even the token bits of honor and humanity he had. It also, as near as I can tell, begins the trend of Storm Shadow outright resenting Snake Eyes, rather than being his one time friend.

As an irrelevant aside, I have my problems with Resolute but I do love everyone’s character designs and Eric Bauza does a fantastic job as one fourth of the cast. His Sean Connery impression for Destro is particularly inspired.

This brings us to the big ones. GI Joe: RIse of Cobra and GI Joe: Retaliation where Storm Shadow is brought to the big screen by Lee Byung-Hun (who I don’t have a snarky/informative aside for because shamefully despite how prolific he is I’ve only seen him in these movies and The Magnificent 7 remake) and as a child by Brandon Soo Hoo (he’s also been in a lot of stuff, but I particularly liked his turn as Beast Boy in the animated New 52 DC movies).

Lee’s Storm Shadow in the first film falls in line with his portrayals up to this point, probably skewing most closely towards Sunbow. He has a code of ethics (he doesn’t kill women apparently) but he’s still a bad guy and he seems to quite like it. Lee brings a charm to the character that had not really existed up until that point. He also spends a lot of time maskless (and it’s hard to blame the production team for that one, he’s a very handsome dude) which was a shock for anyone who grew up with the 2001 era storm shadow where the thought of him without a mask was so insane that it was relegated to a mail in figure (As a kid I seriously thought he had some Mandalorian style code of not removing it)

His origin in this version takes bits of Hama and bits of Resolute (or Resolute took from this, Resolute came out first but this might have been in development). It is, as far as I can tell, the first version to have Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes train together as children and it portrays Storm Shadow, even as a child, as an arrogant and jealous person.

Now, at least in my opinion, it’s fairly obvious that the first movie fully intended Storm Shadow to be a baddie, full stop. There’s a little wiggle room given that we never see him stab The Hard Master in the flashback (the Hard Master in this version is Storm Shadow’s father rather than his uncle) but the way he taunts Snake Eyes about it during their final confrontation makes a pretty compelling case for his having committed patricide.

The sequel would bring back elements of the Hama backstory. Zartan killed The Hard Master and Storm Shadow had to infiltrate Cobra to discover that. Given Cobra Commander and Storm Shadow are of roughly the same age (Storm Shadow being a bit older I think) and this event occurred when they were both children it’s unclear on who’s orders Zartan did this but we do know it was done to turn the already volatile young man into the perfect angry ninja assassin (given this canon is pretty much over we’ll probably never know for sure, but my guess based on the IDW movie universe comics is that Zartan either did it at the behest of the Red Ninja Clan or just to have a tiny assassin of his own, probably the former since they seem to regard each other as unpleasant colleagues who sometimes work together).

What I particularly like about this version is that, because the first movie portrayed him as this charmingly sadistic Bond Villain henchman, even after he switches sides in the sequel he’s still kind of a belligerent dick. It’s a fun piece of characterization that even once he’s cleared his name, avenged his father, and made his peace with his family, it doesn’t change the fundamental fact that he’s not a very nice person.

This is something that would persist into the next (and for the moment last, but more on that later) onscreen version of Storm Shadow.

GI Joe Renegades (the best GI Joe Cartoon, fight me) saw Storm Shadow (voiced by “holy crap this guy originated the role of Saw Gerrera in Clone Wars” Andrew Kishino) as the leader of the Arashikage Clan (explicitly a crime syndicate, harkening back to implications in Hama’s version) who operates independent of Cobra except very briefly and only to fulfill his own ends (again bringing him closer to Hama’s version than any of his predecessors). Falling in line with the implications of the movie and Resolute, he and Snake Eyes were uneasy classmates more than friends and trained together as teenagers. An attempt to kill Snake Eyes went awry and resulted in the death of the Hard Master (who again, seemed to favor Snake Eyes over his own nephew). Storm Shadow believes Snake Eyes to have killed The Hard Master(somehow failing to connect the dots given his own murder plan failed the same night Snake Eyes allegedly murdered his uncle--or hell he’s probably just in denial until the truth slaps him in the face). 

Also, irrelevant aside number 2, in contrast with Resolute I really don’t like this character design. Renegades had pretty good character design all around, neatly bringing together various versions in a way that felt coherent but I don’t like the little tufts of hair sticking out of the mask or the way it kinda hangs in front of his mouth. Is he hiding his face or not? It seems like he’s not so much wearing a mask as a bandana and an oversized turtleneck.

This version neatly ties together the “Snake Eyes betrayed us” of the early 2000′s, the “arrogant unfavorite” of the mid 2000s and the “out for justice assassin” of Hama’s run. He is, again, an arrogant prick from the start, but his genuine shame and resolve to abandon his quest for vengeance and his extremely short partnership with Cobra make his eventual redemption (or the start of what you assume would have been a longer redemption arc had the series continued) more believable than the live action movies--if a mite less fun.

And that’s where it ends, at least until the much delayed Snake Eyes live action movie is finally released, where Storm Shadow is set to be played by “guy from the best episode of American Gods Season 2″ Andrew Koji. I quite like the look of the cast of this movie, and I’m excited to see what Koji brings to the role. Will Storm Shadow be arrogant, murderous, honorable, charming, brooding, misunderstood, cruel, vengeful...some impossible combination of all of the above? We’ll have to wait and see.

*Including the various alternate comic book versions probably would have painted a more complete picture, but I’ve only read Hama’s run and the IDW reboot (where Storm Shadow is kind of a non-entity), besides this was more about tracing Storm Shadow through the adaptations I watched as a kid.

*None of the adaptations seem to go with Hama’s original detail that Storm Shadow and Jinx were from Northern California. On the one hand I see why you transplant them to Japan with the rest of their family (it’s a globetrotting element and makes the cast more cosmopolitan) but I always liked the idea of that they were children of immigrants.

*Adaptations have been touch and go about casting Japanese actors in the role but I was impressed to find out that Sunbow cast Japanese Americans as both Storm Shadow and Jinx, making them probably the most faithful casting in relation to their original backstories.

*Apologies for my complete inability to get screenshots of roughly the same size or resolution.

[heavy-lobster]

POST THE FUCKING ESSAY KOAL/DUSTY I SWEAR TO GOD

WAIT I THOUGHT YOU READ IT ALREADY??? DID I SERIOUSLY NOT SEND IT TO YOU WHEN I INITIALLY FINISHED IT??? GOD WHAT THE FUCK

Well I can’t NOT post it now.

So for some background, the assignment was to write a short essay arguing as to why a children’s series of our choosing could be classified as horror, based on some article we had to read. I chose Wow Wow Wubbzy because I thought it would be funny and. man. So anyways this is VERY poorly written because I did most of it between like,,, midnight and 3 am. It’s very ranty and way longer than it needed to be. For ease of reading I went back and fixed up the shitty formatting and fixed a few spelling errors, as well as linking my sources.

So uhhh this is about horror so,, warning for horror ig?? It’s not scary like, at all, but better safe than sorry.

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!: The Horror Within

Introduction

“Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!” is an American TV show originally aired on Nick Jr. From the mind of Bob Boyle, this educational kid’s show was very memorable for a lot of kids growing up at that time. The show features Wubbzy, a yellow, square, animalistic character, with a curly, “springy” tail; as well as Wubbzy’s various friends. Most episodes feature Wubbzy and his pals, Widget and Walden (as well as Daizy in later episodes), dealing with an every day situation, or well, depends on your definition of “every day”. The situation spirals out of control because of the actions of various characters, and it is resolved by the problematic character of the episode learning a lesson and fixing their mistake. Seems like a typical kids show, right? Well, there may be more to it than that. What if I told you that Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! could be interrupted as a horror show about horrifically mutated beasts struggling to survive the post apocalyptic world they are forced to inhabit? Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! fits many categories described in Sharon A. Russell’s literary criticism in “What is the Horror Genre?”. In this essay we will discuss how Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! could possibly be classified as a horror series.  

Asking the real questions; what is everyone?

First of all, a very important question. What exactly are the characters? There are claims that Wubbzy himself is some kind of gerbil, but frankly I don’t see it. Also, what’s the deal with the inhabitants of Wuzzleburg in general? Wubbzy and his friends are supposed to be anthropomorphic animals, but they seem more like horrific monsters, mutated from normal animals. Monsters are a very common and important element in horror. Not all monsters are vicious killers, and not all of them are obvious in appearance. Some monsters are small and cute, but it’s almost always a facade. 

There are also some “regular” animals running around, but yet they aren’t “normal” by any stretch of the imagination. Some are very obviously not normal, others seem mostly normal. “Flutterflies” are a common, non-anthro animal seen in Wubbzy, with their most prominent appearance being in the episode “The Flight of the Flutterfly”. Flutterflies seem like normal butterflies, but why are they called “Flutterflies” instead? Are they in any way different to the butterflies of our world, or is that just what the inhabitants of Wuzzleburg call butterflies? What about the more blatantly odd non-anthro animals? In “Attack of the 50 Foot Fleegle” Wubbzy acquires a pet “Fleegle”. It appears to be a small, purple, almost hamster like creature. It remains small and happy if you feed it the right kind of food, but Wubbzy foolishly feeds it candy and sweets. When fed candy, the Fleegle increases in size in increasingly large increments. After a time, it becomes so big that it rampages all over Wuzzleburg. The only thing that could shrink it back to normal size was carrot juice. When fed bologna, they multiply, and the solution to this is unknown, as the episode ends there and this is never brought up again. 

There are plenty of strange animals, both anthropomorphic and not; yet no humans. Not a single human character in sight. This begs the question, what happened? Why are all these animals how they are? What happened to the humans? Obviously, these questions were never answered, as this is a kids show. Here is a thought to consider: what if all the humans are dead, and all the characters are mutant abominations, or, monsters as they’d more fittingly be called. Humans have been wiped out, and the animals who survived mutated in many different ways. Some animals became intelligent, and capable of building their own society similar to what once was our own. That society is what we know as Wuzzleburg. In conclusion, all the creatures seen in the show are the result of something terrible; mutated abominations passing as animals. This fits the “monster” category of horror as described in Russell’s article.

What’s the deal with Wuzzleburg?

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! takes place in the fictional town of Wuzzleburg. Wuzzleburg and its surrounding locations look very odd. Everything is unnaturally geometric. Everything- from houses to trees- is very odd in appearance. Tree branches are often bendy, always at a right angle, with the edges being smooth and rounded. In Wuzzleburg, many houses look like completely normal houses, yet Wubbzy lives in a tree house. Another common thing is that houses and buildings of importance are usually designed based on a specific object. Daizy’s house, for example, is shaped like a flower. 

Outside of Wuzzleburg, the locations only get weirder. There is an island, shown to be somewhere off the coast of Wuzzleburg, called “Dino Island”. As the name suggests, this island is inhabited by dinosaurs. So apparently, dinosaurs are not extinct in this universe; at least on this island. As far as other towns go, there is Wuzzlewood, clearly based on Hollywood, where all the biggest celebrities in the Wubbzy cinematic universe (WCU) live. Everything in Wuzzlewood is covered in stars, a clever spin of the celebrity theme. Another interesting location is Plaidville. In Plaidville, everything is plaid; the trees, the ground, and even the inhabitants. I don’t have to explain what is unnatural about that. 

Now, back on the topic of Wuzzleburg, since it is the main location seen in the show, and is where Wubbzy and his friends live. It has been stated that Wuzzleburg was founded in 1853 by “Heinrich van Wuzzle”. The specific year being given is an odd detail, that you wouldn’t normally expect in a show of this nature. Wuzzleburg is clearly a town in every sense of the word. It has plenty of stores and restaurants, an airport, houses, residents, a mayor, a rich history, annual festivities, reliable transportation, schools, and even a stable economy. All of this being made by what we have already established as horrific monsters. That’s impressive. There is common debate in the Wubbzy fandom on whether these locations are in a parallel universe, or perhaps if they exist on our Earth. In the episode “Fly Us To The Moon”, the place where they land back on “Earth” appears to suggest that Wuzzleburg is located somewhere in or near Washington state, in America, or possibly somewhere in British Columbia. 

My theory is that the events of Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! takes place on Earth, but certainly not our Earth. An alternate Earth, where humans may have lived before. Some horrible nuclear accident wiped out all human life, and caused all the animals to mutate into the many strange creatures of the WCU. This also explains the unnatural features of the setting. Post-apocalyptic Earth? Sounds like a perfect horror setting to me. This fits perfectly with the criteria described in Sharon’s article.

The beast within; Wubbzy’s true villain

Finally, the matter of the deep internal conflict hidden deep within the show. In the show, you can expect every episode to have a lesson or moral, as many kids shows do. Most episodes feature one of the main characters (almost always Wubbzy) making a mistake, followed by them learning the lesson of the episode and using their newfound knowledge to make things right. What if I told you that this is sign of a much deeper internal conflict going on far beneath the character’s cute exterior? Would it be so far fetched to believe that every episode is focused on the anthropomorphic abominations struggling to fight against their beastly instincts? Their own organized and civilized society goes against their very nature, and they constantly fight to uphold the standards they set; both for themselves, and each other. It's a constantly uphill climb. Wubbzy is undeniably a flawed character. He messes up constantly, often learning the same lessons over and over again, as if it’s more of a reminder than a lesson. It’s Wubbzy against himself. This fits Sharon’s criteria of internal horror, but that’s not all. 

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! is also the story of a quest for self improvement, as well as a good vs evil scenario, which are two of Russell’s other criteria. I mean, think about it. Every character is open to self improvement once they realize the harm they’ve caused. Every character is on their own quest, seeking to better themselves. Every character is going through their own internal battle. They fight their own flaws. Their own evils. The true villain of Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! is the evil within all of them, the beastly instincts lurking within all of Wuzzleberg’s monster inhabitants. And they may not always be perfect, maybe they don’t know how to be “good”, maybe being good just isn’t in their nature; but they try their best despite all the challenges, to be better, and improve themselves. 

In that way I think we can all relate to them. We aren’t always “good”, we aren’t perfect, sometimes we don’t know how to do the “right” thing, but our flaws are what make us human. It may not be in our nature to be flawless, but it is in our nature to seek self improvement, and that’s what Wubbzy is really about. The struggles we all go through to be better people, because inside? We’re all just monsters trying our best to be civil, and conform to our moral code. And really? That’s enough. 

Conclusion 

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! is undeniably a kid’s show at heart, but if you really stop to analyze it, you find a much darker horror series. It would be fittingly classified as a psychological horror. It fits almost all of Sharon A. Russell’s criteria as described in the article “What is the Horror Genre?”. What is Wubbzy? In fact, what are all of the show’s characters? Their vaguely animal appearance appeal to young children, but I believe that they may actually be normal animals mutated into horrible monsters. Freaks of nature created by a nuclear incident. There is not a single human seen in the show, but plenty of abnormal creatures. This suggests that we are long gone. The monsters we left behind built their own society.

 Not only were the animals affected, but also the earth itself. The odd nature of the setting supports my nuclear devastation theory. Finally, is the true conflict of Wubbzy. The show itself is about nuclear monsters trying their best to adapt to the society they built for themselves, even if it goes against their own nature. It’s beasts on a quest where the only objective is the betterment of the self. An internal conflict. There is no physical villain in the show. The only antagonist out to get Wubbzy, is Wubbzy himself. In that way, I think we can all relate. In conclusion, Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! is actually about horribly mutated animals fighting their inner demons, on a metaphorical journey to be better than they are. For that very reason, I believe it could be interrupted as a horror series. 

Sources: 

Wubbzy Wikipedia page

Wubbzy Fandom Wiki, which I did NOT know existed before this project and honestly the comments on the page were the funniest fucking thing, I highly recommend it

And uhhh various episodes of Wubbzy I had to watch

I apologize for my crimes

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 125 Review

The only problem with this analogy is that being a snake implies a sort of sly smoothness, and, fun fact, Floch’s skin is made of sandpaper.

So Armin is basically the audience at this point. Everyone is tearing their hair out at the prospect of this or that happening. Armin is freaking out because now everything is happening.

That’s -1 for the fan theory of everyone teaming up to take down Eren. Armin isn’t even considering it; he’s just trying to do what he thinks he can. In general, everyone is in “picking up the pieces” mode. That Eren will succeed has essentially been accepted as a given.

Who could even rally the troops?

Armin is busy with Gabi. Shadis refuses to lead. No one even knows where Historia is. Hange is looking after Levi.

The only one in a position to step up is Jean, which is probably why he was especially in the spotlight this chapter. We’ll probably be seeing more of him next couple of chapters.

Jean character arc this whole series has been about leadership. He started as an asshole who didn’t give a damn, evolved into a guy who cared, then into a guy who increasingly led people who also cared.

Jean has taken on more and more leadership roles, usually because his superiors keep dying. Basically Paradis’ entire leadership was killed last chapter, so you know what that means: time for Jean to take on the ultimate leadership position and overthrow Floch.

It’s about time their relationship came to a head. Floch’s radicalism has grated against Jean for a while now. Jean cares about people. It’s why he fights. Floch fights too, but he doesn’t care about people. That’s why he grates so much on jean.

Floch is motivated by, in a phrase, identity politics. It’s not about helping your country or serving some higher good. It’s about your race.

Floch does offer to accept the volunteers as Eldians, but that highlights the BS that underlies his worldview. Being an Eldian may be a matter of blood relation, and Floch may preach the Eldians vs the world gospel, but in the end, its culture that determines who’s on who’s side. According to Floch, the non-Eldians can become Eldians by rejecting their prior identity as non-Eldian.

Thus, Floch is one of the final villains.

Like Zeke and the Marleyans, he rejects people because of their identity. Zeke and the Marleyans reject the Eldians for being Eldians. Floch is the same, except he rejects people for not being Eldians.

What’s interesting is what this means for Eren.

Zeke, the Marleyans, and Floch want to kill many, many people for the same reason: because of what they did in the past.

Zeke wants to kill Eldians because of the suffering Eldians have brought to the world.

Floch was fine with killing Marleyan citizens indiscriminately because of what Marleyans did to Paradis.

Marleyans are cool with killing Eldians because of Eldians did to their ancestors.

Eren is slightly different, and this marks a subtle shift in his thinking.

Eren used to be motivated by revenge. He wanted to avenge his mother and the memory of his happy childhood. It was past actions by the enemy that drove him, like with Zeke and Floch. That’s not so much the case anymore.

Now, Eren is more motivated by prospective future actions by his enemies than what they did before. How they’ve acted before informs his conclusions about how they’ll act in the future, but they are not the primary motivator for him.

So here’s the million dollar question: as far as the series is concerned, is this distinction meaningful?

This is a question about what the series will choose to emphasize, more than anything else.

If the series emphasizes the wrongfulness of genocide above all else, then Eren will be condemned by the story as all the others. He may take a (relatively) more “noble” viewpoint because he’s doing this to protect his friends from people who show no sign of letting them live, but he’s still killing people all the same.

If, unfortunately, tragically, sickeningly, the series decided to emphasize Eren’s motives over what he’s doing, then Eren could still be awarded some sympathy points. That would be awful.

There are no sympathetic mass murderers. There are no excuses. “He’s doing it for his friends” is a form of excuse-making.

Attack on Titan clearly thinks genocide is awful. That doesn’t mean the series isn’t about to equivocate.

The only time it’s good to focus on the motives of bad actions is when you’re trying to figure out a solution to that behavior. Attack on Titan hasn’t really proposed any solutions.

Would this war have happened if everyone just thought like Mr. Blouse and forgiveness was necessary for the kid’s sake?

No.

This fight is happening because of animosity over past actions, but also because of Eren’s warmongering, Zeke’s machinations, Marley’s quest for resources, and anxiety in Marley about losing their superpower status.

We got to where we are today because the incentives pushed everyone in that direction. This combination of circumstances mixed with this combination of personalities is what got us here.

If the facts had been different, then maybe things would have turned out differently, but it didn’t, so here we are.

Will the series just shrug its shoulders and leave us with a final message of “sometimes bad shit happens?”

Probably not. This story is about fighting even in spite of bleak situations. And ending that leaves us with everyone picking up the pieces would just be the series doing what it’s always done, flaws and all.

I’ve already talked about how flawed it is to say, as this series apparently does, that people are just prone to infighting.

People may act out of self-interest, but that is not the same thing as selfishness, and people may come into conflict with each other, but that is not the same thing as war.

An ending where Paradis repopulates a rumbled world, and maybe some final words about how conflict will arise again once the population becomes large and varied enough, would be a flawed ending, but still better than one that even hinted at Eren being more than a deranged lunatic.

Can’t We All Just Get Along is not a real solution to this conflict.

Something I considered when the last chapter came out was that the rumbling, after all this build up, would actually be a background event. That’s looking more likely now.

Everyone is already thinking ahead to a post-rumbling world. Eren hasn’t destroyed an acre yet and everyone is already jockeying for the scraps.

Armin’s top concern is winning over Gabi and preparing for a confrontation with Pieck and Magath.

It’s gone unstated, but Connie bringing his mother back now only makes sense if he assumes Paradis will be safe.

Floch is working extra hard to eliminate potential dissenters.

The only person who’s game to take on Eren is Gabi and she’s sidetracked rescuing Falco.

If everyone is convinced Eren can’t be stopped then…yeah, no one will stop him.

Making the rumbling a sideshow after all this anticipation is definitely something Isayama would do. This series revels in doing the unexpected and making it work.

While Eren lumbers about crushing everything, the ants will flail around. There’s enough dramatic potential in that to last the rest of the series.

Really stop and think about what Floch is up to this chapter.

Remember, Eren is about to wipe out all the other nations, leaving only Paradis to claim all the leftover land.

Floch is jockeying to rule Paradis.

So he’s not jockeying to be Floch Forster, King of Paradis; he’s jockeying to be Floch Forster, King of the World!

If Floch takes over Paradis, he will essentially rule the Earth.

Eren will be dead one way or another within a couple of years, so Floch is all that’s left to lead the island. This story could very well end with Floch planting his dumb ass on the throne and Jean is the only one who can fucking stop that from happening.

Thanks, Chadren! Wiping out your enemies and letting Floch inherit the Earth? Brilliant tactical maneuver, that!

Okay, so maybe Floch isn’t dumb. He’s an ass, but he’s not that stupid.

He tried to use fear to eliminate the volunteers as a threat. He killed one of their own as an example and he’s making a show of offering an olive branch to the rest to pacify them.

But his tactics with Jean are different. Floch knows Jean is tired of all the fighting, so he’s using that against him. He’s banking on Jean wanting to hang it up rather than question the murder that happened right in front of him.

In Trost, Stohess, against Reiner and Bertolt, in the uprising, Shighanshina, and Liberio, Jean’s fought hard, but it’s just been battle after battle after battle after battle.

He wanted to live it up in the interior because he wanted to know peace. He’s not as hedonistic as he was before because he knows that’s wrong, and he fights anyway because he knows that’s right, but still, he wants to know peace.

He wants to settle down. Maybe not live the big life, but definitely the quiet life.

This is Floch’s temptation. Ignore my murder spree and you can live happily for the rest of your life.

Will it work?

I think that answer has a lot to do with what you think will happen with Connie. A tragic ending where everyone gives in to their worst impulses at the worst time possible is definitely on the table.

Eren gives in to his zealotry.

Connie kills a kid to bring back his mom.

Jean just gives up and retires.

Even Shadis decides the life of a woodland freedom fighter isn’t for him and he’s just going to let Floch have his way with him.

Mikasa’s flaw is apparently that she can’t think for herself and that can easily become a problem.

I like how the series draws a line between surrendering and retreating tactically withdrawing retreating. We’re seeing a real possibility that things just go back to how they were at the start of the series: everyone living in willful ignorance of the injustice around them.

Floch’s whole pitch to Jean is that Jean simply pretend the bad things aren’t real and live his life blissfully ignorant.

Shadis takes it as a given that monsters will rule over them again, except the monsters are Floch and the Yeagerists. He tells his men to obey for now, but to prepare for a future struggle.

Floch is telling Jean to surrender; Shadis is telling his men to retreat.

The series may harp too much on necessary sacrifices, but a corollary to that is the series not supporting purely symbolic gestures.

Zeke was actually on to something there. Erwin’s suicide charge would have been an empty, arguably pointless gesture if it wasn’t actually part of a bigger plan.

Senseless sacrifices aren’t good, but I honestly hope everyone doesn’t back down from challenging Floch. It may look bad, but the best chance they’ll get to take him down is now. Floch hasn’t consolidated his power yet. They need to strike before that; it’ll only get harder as time goes on.

Lucky for them there’s an opening.

Eren had popular support before, but now the people are pissed because Eren is giving them exactly what they wanted. The rumbling has caused some incidental loss of life and property damage, and Eren’s approval rating isn’t as hot as it used to be.

The anti-Yeagerists could rally these people against Floch. They’re a small minority, but having any level of passionate support will help.

There would almost certainly be a civil war on Paradis, but it may be necessary to avoid a world where Floch is King.

…How many chapters are left in this story? Less than 12?

Connie’s segment was very straightforward this month. He wants to bring his mother back, but deep down he knows he’s doing it wrong.

He’s sacrificing a kid to bring back his mother. Mr. Blouse makes a good point. Connie is too nice of a person to go through with that. He’s already showing signs of desperation.

Becoming a good soldier was a goal of his, now he’s using the veneer of that ideal to rationalize Falco’s murder. He’s deluding himself.

He’s not a killer, he’s a soldier who protects people.

Throwing away Falco’s life will revive his mother, but really Connie is doing this for himself. Killing Falco and bringing back his mother is ultimately about restoring his life to some semblance of what it was, not anyone else’s.

Connie knows this on some level, so he resorts to this soldier talk to justify it. He’s a good soldier who protects people. “People,” implicitly, is limited to people he cares about.

Once again, parallels to Eren are everywhere.

Eren just wants to protect the people he cares about. Paradis is tied to the tracks and a train is about to run them over. Eren’s plan to stop the train is to throw a billion people into its path.

He’s sacrificing innocents to save people he cares about.

“He” here refers to both Connie and Eren.

Connie is depicted as delusional. He’s tricking himself with false justifications and putting on airs of nobility.

If the parallel is intentional, then Eren is doing the same. He’s delusional, tricking himself with false justifications, putting on airs of nobility.

CC: all the Eren stans.

Hopefully I’m not seeing things and this is a real thing Isayama is doing. Giving Eren as much sympathy as Connie is getting here would be appropriate.

I guess I should talk about Annie, but honestly I don’t care to.

Annie is in a weird place, fandom-wise. Her own supposed importance to the story is essentially a meme.

Really, there are two Annies: the real Annie, who isn’t important as a character, and the fake Annie the fans have concocted, who will play a key role story’s resolution.

Like everyone else, Annie isn’t concerned with taking down Eren. She just wants to make it to her father, implicitly so she can die alongside him.

Paradis is the only safe haven now that the rumbling has started. Annie is choosing to leave that sanctuary on the chance she’ll make it to her father before they’re both killed.

That’s how much she loves her father. She promised she’d live long enough to see him again.

Mission accomplished.

Annie made for a compelling character during her arc. She was the first enemy titan shifter our heroes directly fought. Her existence teased many secrets about the setting.

But that’s all she was, a tease. Her character was used to inform us of the existence of secrets to uncover, but she herself was never that important.

Annie was a tool to be used by the Marleyans and she gave herself over to that role in the hopes of making it back to her father.

I don’t think Annie will play a major role in the finale. She doesn’t care about Floch’s machinations, nor about taking down Eren, and does she even remember Connie?

Annie’s not going to give up on seeing her father. Seeing him again is how she rationalizes genocide. She can’t give up on it. If she does, she admits she killed all those people for nothing.

So she’ll try to make it to Liberio before Eren does, and she’ll fail, of course, because this is Attack on Titan, where dreams don’t come true unless they’re bloody awful.

[aotopmha]

Attack on Titan Chapter 123 Thoughts

I feel like this chapter was actually the most straight-forward chapter since Eren got his head blown off back in chapter 119 - for real this time.

The nuanced character writing and the context-driven, interpretation-based storytelling is still there in moments - I feel like Eren's character and the current situation needs that to work, but other than that, I think it's really self-explanatory and I actually welcome that.

AoT's meta level narrative structure is once again connected to the story's point, themes, emotional beats - after several chapters of a lot of fairly complex and dark material we get a little bit of a breather and so do the characters.

The chapter still has some heavy material (it kind of does end with Eren basically declaring to commit mass genocide) and you might argue the lightheartedness might be a little jarring in light of all the dark stuff that came before it and comes after it, but I really did welcome this as a breather.

As I said in my initial post, I think it also does have thematic significance in that it once again reminds us of the good in the world, I'd add to that, though, that, not only from the perspective of Eren picking those that are innocent to have this horrible fate, but also from the perspective of those he sees are worthy of his protection and showing what he sees as the good that is worth protecting.

He declares to commit mass genocide, but does it with the purpose of protecting those he loves.

This is also a twisted version of the standard "Shounen protagonist fights for everyone he cares about" idea.

I really admire how the story manages to twist these standard tropes while still feeling sincere, making sense and having a point character writing-wise - again, so many stories that try to twist tropes this way feel like they are just dark and shocking for the sake of being dark and shocking and with that comes insincerity and non-believability of the drama in the story and ultimately lack of investment in it.

I’ve seen comparisons of him to Lelouch around, but that series drove me away from the very first episode, so I can’t comment on those (I know the ending of that series, but I feel like I’d need the whole picture to truly comment), but I could talk about possible comparisons to Light Yagami (Eren even almost looks like Light in this chapter, too). While I think it fits in some ways (self-righteous young man executing his justice) and I think Light is an entertaining villain, I don't think he's nearly as complex as Eren or even as complex in a general sense as I often see people claim he is.

I feel like Light didn't really have an arc and had his mindset basically set from the start, he just gradually executed it on a increasingly larger scale. Light’s goal of justice didn’t really ever have any sort of goodness to it. Eren genuinely wishes to protect those he loves, Light’s “justice” is just unnuanced self-righteousness with a dash of god complex thrown in there. I’ve seen the argument that it’s the power of the Death Note that corrupted him around, but I feel like he had the same perspective from start to finish.

I think it’s an interesting comparison.

I think you could technically make a similar argument for Eren - you could see this as just an reinterpretation of his character, rather than development, but I myself feel like his path to this point is much more complex than that and depends of several factors and events leading up to this point in the story.

Despite all the talking about how Eren might've "never changed" by the characters, I think there was a character development process that lead Eren here.

He wasn't so accutely aware of the humanity of the "other side" he was fighting against back when he was a kid.

Again, I don't think Eren ever fought for freedom at specifically the *cost* of others before Marley. His desire for freedom back then felt much more neutral to me:

(Chapter 14)

There were elements of his cynical side showing here and there, just not to the extremes he goes to here.

He wasn't this pragmatic as his 15 year-old self, in fact, at one point, he was the one looking and wanting for other ways out than plain sacrifice:

(Chapter 25)

Chapter 25 specifically concerns him, but you can also see this in much more recent moments:

(Chapter 90)

Most importantly, though, here:

(Chapter 107)

I feel like, both, him understanding the impact of what he's about to do and the choice to destroy the world are character development results.

Him seeing the humanity of his enemies leads to the positive conclusions he comes to (his current, more nuanced world view) and him being surrounded by all this negativity and more importantly, his hyper-focus on this negativity induced by the many horrible things he has experienced himself and in his father's (and the other shifters') memories leads to him being unable to see any other way out of this than the one he chose here.

In this chapter, Eren couldn't see the beauty of the world and the one time he chose to do so, he did it with a sort of sense of finality and decisiveness.

He waited as long as he could bear, but from his perspective ultimately just didn’t see any other way out.

His negative and positive growth also sort of contradict each other - he understands what he's about to do is so horrible, but does it anyway.

You could see it as a contradiction coming from how his mind has twisted because of everything negative he has experienced, ranging from his trauma from loss to him gaining his father’s and other shifters’ memories. 

You could also, though, see this as a contradiction that might have more to it.

If Eren has enough perspective now to know what he's doing is horrible, why doesn't he have enough perspective to not commit mass genocide? Then, perhaps he does and there is more to his plan?

It's either that trauma and negativity is one hell of a mindscrewer and it's just his mind coming to very twisted conclusions or there is more to his plan.

My guess in the case of the second option would be that he's attempting to unite humanity against him (Willy already started this) and the purpose of his announcement is for all the Eldians across the world to inform everyone else and with that help them evacuate before the rumbling arrives at their location, giving the rest of the world more positive actions to go off of when judging the Eldians.

This could paint even all the Eldians on Paradis as victims of the "main villain" Eren Jaeger and the Titans and since this is something world-wide, this perspective could spread.

It's unbelievable everybody would listen because of the discrimination, but it's also unbelievable that nobody would listen as there are always at least some understandable and kind people out there.

We’ve seen this with the volunteers growing to see the Eldians as more human, we see this in Magath’s character arc and even in the small moment of the guards protecting Gabi. There is good in here, it’s just buried.

Perhaps there could’ve been peace at some point with some countries if Eren hadn’t acted as he did in Liberio. But at the same time Marley had their plan to attack Paradis in the near future to begin with, so even the small moments of goodness come with the constant caveat brought up over and over again of there being very little time.

What would you expect from Eren in this situation?

Eren framing himself as the villain could change nothing and it could change everything depending on how it's done and how deep the hatred against Eldians truly runs.

Perhaps some Eldians wouldn't even want to tell anyone anything because of how poorly they've been treated.

This plan would rely on the existing goodness on all sides.

Taking Eren down might need the combined strength of the Titan society in Marley, the Paradisians and the collected army of the world and the losses here might be massive enough where the aftermath might force some sort of changes to happen for this to never happen again, the only (very large) side note here, again, being that those proposed changes might just still involve the complete extermination of all Eldians after this.

Moving on from the larger scale stuff though, the other big, a little bit more interpretive scene of the chapter was Eren's moment with Mikasa.

I've been iffy about the possible romantic nature of their relationship since Grisha called Mikasa his daughter back in chapter 121 - if there was already a familial bond like that there, it really veers into squicky material to me, but it's still ambigious enough that I'm still letting it slide for now. It's only on Grisha's part still and Mikasa never calls Eren's parents her own parents - Carla is always auntie and Grisha is Dr. Yeager.

It's always been sort of awkward because of how Mikasa's backstory worked out, but for now I still consider it fine.

As far as that scene, though, as it's been like across the story, I feel like it's definitely shown as romantic on Mikasa's side, while I think it's similarly neutral as it's always been on Eren's side.

Much more important here is what it means, though - what could the subtext here be?

Did Eren look for confirmation for putting the idea/plan he had in mind in motion - confirming that Mikasa didn't care that strongly for him and thus wouldn't miss him that strongly/could defeat him when the time came for him to die (if that's the plan he's going with)?

Was it confirming to himself that what he's about to do would be worth it for if not nobody else, then at least her because she cared, not even necessarily about him, but in a general sense was a source of goodness within all this negativity he's been seeing, confirmation that Paradis was worth protecting at the cost of the rest of humanity because they were good and the others were bad, then actually looping back to his old attitude in some ways, basically looking for confirmation for his faith in the goodness of humanity?

Did he in his desparation turn to Mikasa to somehow give him another option to the one he saw or did he hope her answer would somehow change his mind when it came to executing his plan?

Maybe it was partially all these, maybe it was something entirely different, but I'm leaning on the third option the most myself.

It might just have been a secret cry for him to be protected from himself.

The gist of it seems to be him asking about the sincerity of Mikasa's feelings and whether she cares about him, doesn't matter if you see it as romantic or not.

I'm not sure if she could've changed anything because Eren was already isolated and stuck in his negative thoughts - a simple love confession wouldn’t fix all the baggage Eren has been collecting.

On the flip side, Armin thoughts when switching back to the present involved believing in the goodness in Eren - that he was on their side and he is, the problem is that Eren took his gained pragmatism too far.

Personally, I lean on the option of there being more to Eren's plan, but I can also see him just being stuck on just not seeing another option. He got his view of there not being another option confirmed many times across the 4 year timeskip and this chapter continued to show that to him.

Putting Eren aside, though, as said, this chapter was also the funnest and lightest since forever - the group reacting to a car, the group reacting to ice cream, Levi's interactions with the clown and everyone getting drunk was a blast.

It amplifies the tragedy, but is also fun.

As said, a lot of this chapter was actually very straight-forward. They all visit the outside world and have some fun and strange encounters with it. It was nice, but pretty simple so there isn’t actually much more for me to say about the more light-hearted elements of this chapter.

Finally, again on a less lighter note, I think this chapter sadly might've confirmed Historia's pregnancy. She seems to be in the Paths with a belly and since everyone's bodies seem to correspond to their real bodies in paths, unless there's something else to it, it feels like a pretty clearly-defined confirmation.

I could see Ymir undoing it, but I don't see how it could be fake now unless that girl in one of the final spreads of the chapter is a red herring and not Historia.

I think the best way the pregnancy could go to me is if it genuinely was Historia's decision (not her going back to her sacrifical self, but her very own sincere decision). You could still nitpick it to death and this plot point would have messy implications no matter what you do, but I think that would probably the best way it could go aside from her pregnancy being removed because it would at least in the very basics align with her arc.

Meanwhile, AoT continues to at least have my undivided attention because of Eren's very unique arc and the gripping plotting.

I thought this was a great chapter as what kind of chapter it set out to be - equally a breather and a setup chapter.

It had great staging, great lightheartedness and a great cliffhanger.

[tearlessrain]

time to subject myself to Dracula: The Dark Prince, aka another bad movie starring another dude from black sails. this time with 100% less horny on main because my only real motivation for watching it is it truly looks to be a whole new caliber of horrible and I have to see it.

witness my standards for incomprehensibly bad movies being raised prohibitively high in every way imaginable under the cut

I seriously doubt that.

this was made in 2013 by the way, not 1994 as the graphic design of that logo might suggest

oh good, once again we’re opening with an exposition narrator. except this time it’s a woman and she has less vocal inflection and emotional investment than an amazon echo.

I feel like she’s gonna tell me to turn left in 800ft

it feels like a dragon age epilogue, but just. worse.

WE ARE WATCHING A TRULY HIGH QUALITY MOVIE TONIGHT MY FRIENDS

I can’t even describe how bad this is, you really need the sound. that’s where the true lack of quality shines through. siri’s depressed sister is talking about pre-vampire dracula’s epic feats in battle to more weird sepia dioramas and the dying soldiers sound like they hired muppets to voice them

HOLY WIG BATMAN

also this dude is obnoxiously jovial considering he’s supposed to be dracula, even if this is pre-vampire

oh no dracula’s advisors, who all wear black hooded robes and scowl ominously, have betrayed him and killed his wife, how unexpected

someone drew these, looked at them, and thought “yeah that’s good enough to go in the final movie”

the characters are speaking both english and what I assume is... romanian or something? transylvanian? it’s not spanish or welsh I can tell you that much. anyway there are no subtitles and also no rhyme or reason to which they’re speaking at any given time so I hope I’m not missing anything important. probably not.

so like... they killed his wife, yes. and he went on a murderfest in what appears to be a church in revenge, makes sense. now a dude who... I think maybe he’s supposed to be a priest or something? but he wasn’t speaking english so I can’t be sure, then a voice over said “I have killed for god, the hand that fought for him will now be turned against him” but I’m unclear on who was speaking. this movie is an absolute clusterfuck and we aren’t even five minutes in yet. this is still the prologue.

now zombie alexa claims dracula was cursed with immortality “in punishment for his defiance” but I’m still not sure... what defiance. he killed the dudes who murdered his wife and that’s somehow not okay despite his apparent status as a war hero, a designation that implies a LOT of killing has already happened?

fucking finally, the title screen. usually a prologue clarifies what a movie is about but I went in thinking I knew and now have absolutely no idea what I’m watching.

a carriage drawn by friesians is rolling through a misty forest with wolf howling sound bites playing at random in the background to vaguely urgent music, now this is what I’m here to see.

nevermind the carriage is too slow so they’re leaving it because that’s a thing people do (?????)

“Lady Arwen, we cannot delay”

seriously though everyone’s mumbling so much I can’t understand them much better than when they were speaking whatever the other language was

BOOTLEG XENA RIDES AGAIN

but this time she’s accompanied by esme. we don’t know who esme is yet either.

there she goes

and now the knights are being attacked by hilarious squeaky goblin things? who I guess are led by this power rangers villain with, again, an unintentionally hilarious voice. it’s like a bad batman impression.

with every minute that passes I become less certain of what I’m actually watching.

they’re looking for the “light bringer” and telepathically overseen by the world’s most halfassed lestat dracula

they’ve also got some random prisoners in a cage wagon

okay the prisoners are being taken to dracula’s castle and I’m sorry for such an image-heavy post but I NEED you to understand the community theater level of set design/quality we’re dealing with here

“what is that?” cardboard and mod podge is my guess

so far the only thing esme has done is fall off her horse and be knocked unconscious, and now a Roving Band of Misogynists has appeared to harass Bootleg Xena 3.0 in the most generic way possible (the words “what ‘ave we got ‘ere” accompanied by a chorus of malicious cackling and some whistles have been spoken)

oooh no the ringleader of the Roving Misogynists has been given a name, and it’s ~Lucien~. I have a horrible feeling that I’m about to bear witness to the worst romantic subplot in the history of cinema.

oh for... I thought at least bootleg xena 3.0 would be a Strong Female Character and fight them off, but she just rapped lucien on the head with her sword and then they stole her very important box and left as obnoxiously as they came

OH NO SHE’S ASKING TO GO WITH THEM, SOMEHOW THAT’S HER PLAN I THINK I’M RIGHT SHE’S GONNA HOOK UP WITH LUCIEN AND IT’S GOING TO BE HORRIBLE.

“trust me” she says to esme, who, wisely, obviously does not.

I appreciate the timely thunderclap every single time the castle comes on screen

who the fuck are you, did you wander onto the wrong movie set

nope okay they’re not gonna explain that shot at all we’re just moving on to a shot of a weird angel shadow doing slow flamenco moves on the ceiling while ominously gurgling, and the prisoners being led into the throne room

“what’s happening to us?” I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE SAME THING, PRISONER #3

oh never mind that guy from before wasn’t a priest, he is remfield, chancellor of this kingdom, which means the last scene he was in makes even less sense

AKSLDGHJFGAKDLFJGHKAJGHFDKLFDS;GJokay so. remfield introduced himself then said “I will see that your needs are tended to.” then dracula in his new white contacts gets up from his shadowy throne, circumnavigates the cluster of prisoners, sniffs them dramatically, and walks back to his throne. remfield then says, “come, I will see that your needs are tended to” because proofreading is for COWARDS

now remfield is... literally giving the prisoners a tour of the castle and going on the “oh you’re our guests and many pleasures and adventures await you” speech and somehow the prisoners are accepting this despite the fact that they were just carted in on a barred wagon in shackles and got sniffed by a bad alucard cosplayer. they have a fucking harpist.

seriously, who the fuck are you

she’s just been twirling around in the background of this entire scene for no discernible reason no matter what rooms they go into

what the hell am I watching

yeah they’re just going for that incredibly suspicious food and also seem weirdly okay with the ambient clusters of scantily clad lesbians no one will explain okay they deserve whatever happens to them

WHOA TITS apparently this movie is a different rating than I thought

remfield: the newcomers have settled in

dracula: I  d o n ‘ t  l i k e  s t r a n g e r s

then why pray tell have you brought them directly into your home in chains. I cannot stress enough how avoidable this situation was for you my dude

“just think sire, once the light bringer is in your possession no one need die again” “except those who defy me” [ominous chime as the angel shadow on the ceiling continues its sensuous flamenco dance]

meanwhile in the misty blue filter forest of eternal night, some guy in a tricorn finds a gold amulet that I think bootleg xena 3.0 dropped, and the power ranger villain rides menacingly in a random direction for a few seconds

I’m still waiting on whether this masterful display of cinematic calvinball has any cohesive story to it.

ah joy and we’re back to The Non-Adventures of Xena 3.0, Esme, and the Roving Misogynists

as an aside, I’m not calling her that just to be dumb, I’m calling her that because they still haven’t given her a name even though her sidekick got one in the first five minutes

they’ve opened the box and revealed... the light bringer, which is a wooden staff. because it is not shiny gold, the roving misogynists regard it with confounded disgrunglement and scoff at xena 3.0′s insistence that it can defeat dracula

these guys sound like what an eleven year old thinks gangs of ne’er-do-wells sound like. like cartoon weasels, if the weasels were also mediocre pirates who have heard of women, conceptually, but never seen one. like goblins in a pre-written D&D campaign run by a slightly overwhelmed first time DM.

HUR DUR WALKING STICK NOT TREASURE, WOMAN DUMB

it’s what cain used to slay abel, apparently. given that zombie alexa mentioned that dracula is the descendent of abel, this leaves us with the terrifying implication that someone did put at least some vestige of effort into writing this movie.

oh good she’s finally gonna fight lucien

no she failed again. please someone just punch the shit out of lucien so he’ll stop.

NO WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT STOP IT GOD HAVE SOME STANDARDS WOMAN. STOP PLAYING FLOATY ROMANTIC MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND THEY ARE LITERALLY STILL STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENTIRE BAND OF ROVING MISOGYNISTS

I thought it might at least be a trick but no she is actually, genuinely starstruck over this profoundly mediocre olde-timey frat boy who called her “sweetheart” while she was trying to explain to him why the ancient dracula-defeating relic was important.

this guy.

we did it boys, we found a worse love story than twilight

also I just. I wish I could convey with words the way the roving misogynists react to every single thing lucien and sometimes xena 3.0 says like the world’s worst greek chorus in a literally neverending stream

lucien (post makeout and xena 3.0 explaining again that the relic is ancient and powerful and they’ve searched for ages to find it): well we may not be knights but we can respect that

[cacophony of rowdy but understated agreement]

lucien: what do you think boys, should we give it back?

[assorted grumbles of assent]

xena 3.0: hm, a thief with a conscience

[gruff mercenary-esque chuckling]

lucien: maybe even a heart

[chorus of “ooooooOOOooh”s and some whistles]

it just goes on like that in every scene they happen to be physically adjacent to, they never shut up but also never actually contribute or say anything meaningful

ah, the mysterious leonardo has appeared. I think he was the one they were trying to take the light bringer to so that’s handy

“what is happening here? what is this flirtation?? is this the people to share your sacred secrets with???” - leonardo, the only remotely rational person in the entire movie

oh he is schooling these idiots, finally someone with sense. it’s bouncing right off of lucien, but at least he’s saying it.

“the scourge” - leonardo

“scourge!” “scourge!?” “scourge?” “hrgghhg??” “hrrm...” - the roving misogynists

power ranger villain and his squeaking goblins vs leonardo, the most useless female leads of all time, and the roving misogynists. who will win.

not the people watching this movie, I can tell you that much.

oh no, the lightbringer isn’t working. this will do nothing to convince the roving misogynists that it isn’t a walking stick

oop, wilhelm scream

oh no lucien has picked up the light bringer

goddamn it he’s the chosen one isn’t he

yep he activated the stick and now we all have to suffer

oh xena 3.0′s coming for power ranger villain maybe she’ll actually do something

nope she bounced off him and now he’s grabbed her and hauled her onto his horse

“you’re coming with me” he says in his weird batman voice, to make sure the audience can tell that he is in fact taking her with him

and esme has yelled “no” to make sure we remember that she’s in the movie

wait what the. did lucien just yell “xena” is that her actual name what the fuck. what the fuck. I had to have misheard that. okay I can’t tell what he’s saying for sure but someone’s bound to say her name again at some point in the movie so I’ll revisit that.

and on that note, I think I’ll end here, because there ended up being a LOT more to unpack in this movie than I expected, it’s after midnight, and I’m tired.

tomorrow, we follow lucien as he presumably goes to save some lady he wildly disrespected and then made out with one time whose name may or may not actually be xena, and hopefully figure out what the hell is even going on with dracula, remfield, and their castle full of artfully strewn half naked harpist lesbians and dancing ceiling shadows. because right now I really don’t have time to unpack all that, and I have a feeling it will only get worse.

[satanseternalbenevolence-blog]

Memoirs of a Satan©

Hi, my name is Scott (You say, “Hi Scott”) and I am the new Satan. I have inherited the mantle and power of the Antichrist to do good in the World. Yes, you read that correctly, to do good in the World (more on this later). I don't know why I was chosen, maybe my core beliefs and understanding of humanity are the reasons why, or maybe I was just lucky. Either way, here I am, a 55-year-old raised Jewish (btw, the Jews don’t believe in Heaven and Hell) Atheistic Satanist from Los Angeles CA. I’ve often fantasized about having superpowers, but I never thought that I would actually have them, let alone become the most ultimate ‘villain’ ever!

Entry 1 I’ll never forget that day. The past few days the weather was beautiful, clear skies and temps around the mid-seventies. But by late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, a storm blew in from the coast. Pasadena, where my wife Beth and our two dogs Sophie and Sadie live, was expected to get up to 3 inches of rain, and after the 5+ years of drought we’ve had, 3 inches seemed like an ocean. I drove to work instead of riding my URB-E (Urban Electric motorized bike) to be safe. I work as a Security Officer at a Botanical Garden just south of Pasadena. I was at my post at the entrance of the gardens, under my huge orange Shademaker umbrella watching the rain pour down around me as I greeted the few visitors that come to the Garden on a day like today. A man walks up behind me and hands me a wallet and says that he found it in the desert garden and was told to give it to me. I thanked him and then went to examine the lost wallet. It was black leather, nothing special about it except for the fact that it was completely dry. As I opened it to see if there was any I.D. in it there was a number of credit cards in their appointed slots, and a card that read:

Hello Scott, you have been chosen to be the next Satan in this World. Do not throw away, give away, or turn this wallet into lost and found, it is yours now. You have every major credit card with unlimited credit to live on. More information will be revealed to you shortly. Your powers will go into effect in 24 hours. Hail Satan! Satan #30

You may be asking, how can you be Satan with all his powers and wisdom if you consider yourself an Atheist and don't believe in God or religion? The answer came to me that night. I slept like a rock (if rocks actually sleep), maybe it was the bowl of Dantes Fire I smoked before bed, but I was out when my head hit the pillow. In the dream I had, Satan #30 came to me as the devil character drawn by the artist Coop - red skin, pointy ears, horns, and goatee, and his signature cigar. He shared with me that yes, I was chosen because of my core beliefs and values and my understanding of humanity. He shared with me the history and understanding of this Being in the World. Man created religions and the Gods they associated with them. According to scriptures, God cast Satan out and gave him the power over this World. Since his power is in this negative realm, it is manifest as tangible and thus can make physical changes here. God is all speculative and invisible and does not have real power on Earth. Believers work themselves up into a frenzy because a preacher tells them that it’s the Holy Spirit working through them or they see the miracle of Jesus’ face on a piece of toast, but none of it is real. To quote the band Styx, “Welcome to the Grand Illusion.” The true paradox is that there has been more death, war, and destruction in the name of God, who is supposed to be the 'good guy' and Satan, the 'bad guy,' has been the one who brought positive changes.

The most important thing I was told to remember with this responsibility is to always be aware of how my choices and actions will affect future history. Yes, I can wipe out poverty and suffering instantly and make the ones who have been greedy and the cause of all the pain in the World pay for their crimes, but that wouldn't serve humanity in the long run. By manifesting such miracles I would be acting as a God and destroy the entity that is Satan. Giving the blessings of personal responsibility and cause & effect gradually will serve mankind in the long run. I'm what you might call a Spiritual, er I mean Satanic Lowrider.

I grew up in a very relaxed, reformed Jewish household. I went to Hebrew school after public school and studied for my Bar Mitzvah. In the Jewish religion, when a child turns 13 they are considered a man or woman after ceremonially reading from the Torah (holy scriptures) and collect lots of gelt (money) as gifts. Like most of my schooling, I squeaked by like the crackling voice of a young teenage boy. I was sent to the Rabbi’s office for disrupting the class so often you’d think we were having an affair. I would walk out of Temple singing the old McDonald’s commercial, “Scrambled eggs and sausage, yeaaaaa!” I was a bad Jew even then.

After my parents died at the end of my teens I became more spiritual and joined a non-denominational church called the Movement of Spiritual Awareness or M.S.I.A. I became a minister, chanted my tones, and did a lot of volunteering. I was really into it and thought that I had finally found my home and family, I was only in my mid-twenties. Everything was very ‘woo woo’ as I was sending the Light and ‘deflecting’ negativity. I was using all the lingo, “I ask for the Light of the Holy Spirit to surround, fill, and protect us for the highest good.”

As I grew into adulthood, worked a full-time job, got married, got divorced and lived on my own once again, the spiritual stuff faded from my life. I still wanted to believe that there was a God or Power greater than us but became disgusted by organized religion and their manipulative ways. Too many rules telling you how to eat, dress, and act (Fuck you, I like eating bacon!). I guess I was an Agnostic at this point. It took a couple of decades, but I finally accepted the fact that we are on our own, products of evolution, and proclaimed myself an Atheist.

When I met Beth at the end of 2003, I knew I had met my true Partner-In-Crime. As I was growing up in Culver City on the west side, Beth was going through much of the same family issues and cultural changes over the hill in North Hollywood. She also grew up in a reformed Jewish family and could relate to everything I went through as a youth. Although Beth does not like labels, she finally claimed the mantle of Atheist along with me. We call ourselves Deli Jews because these days we’re only in it for the food but still relate to our families as Jews culturally.

As I observed the changes in the World and started to learn the truth behind a lot of the things that society takes for granted - such as  thinking that our air is clean, our food is healthy, our legal system is fair, and our government is ‘For The People.’ I started to look at science as the truth and the way. Some people would call me a conspiracy theorist, but what is a conspiracy anyway? According to the dictionary, a con*spir*a*cy is a secret plan by a group of people to do something unlawful or harmful. Looking at the greed and manipulation of religions, governments, and corporations, I’d say there is a plethora of conspiring going on! So yes, I guess I am a good candidate to be the latest incarnation of Satan.

One of my first dilemmas was how to tell my wife that suddenly I am the embodiment of The Devil? "Hey Honey, by the way, you know that whole Satanist thing I'm into, yeah well, I'm Satan!" Actually, she was quite accepting of my new job title, especially the part about how our needs will always be met and we can live an easier life now. Part of the job description states that Satan's chosen family and loved ones will be taken care of as long as they respect the terms laid out by Satan. My siblings with receive the benefits of good health and enjoyment of life as long as they take care of themselves and don't rely on me to do it all for them. Here's an example - I may grant my brother good health and for every pound he loses, his family will also lose a pound until they all reach the healthiest weight for their size and body type. As long as they all continue to make an effort to live healthy through diet and physical activity the benefits will remain. If they choose to be lazy about it and expect Satan to just fix their lives for them, they will be on their own to deal with the consequences of the actions. That's pretty much how it works - take responsibility and step up to the plate and the blessings will be yours, choose to be lazy or arrogant, and karma kicks in.

Entry 2 Sure enough, 24 hours after I read that card from my new wallet, at exactly 12:00 noon, I have to vomit. So much for my half hour lunch. I spent the entire 30 minutes with my head in the toilet. At first, I thought it was my vertigo acting up again, but this was different. As I was puking I felt lighter, clearer, and freer than I have ever felt. I don’t know what was coming out of me, but I was glad to see it go. Once I stood up and washed my face, I felt like a million bucks! I thought to myself, that must have been my final initiation into Satanhood. So here I am, with the ability to affect people’s lives, and for lack of a better term change things in the physical world, but how do I do it? There was no instruction manual or advice from my chat with Satan #30 on how to do this. I kinda felt like Ralph Hinkley from the show The Greatest American Hero - here are your powers, you figure it out. I’m at work and now I am the latest Satan incarnate, let’s have some fun.

Part of my job is to make sure that people are wearing a paid admission sticker to enter the gardens. We close at 5:00 pm and stop selling tickets at 4:00 pm because it’s not fair to sell someone full price when they only have one hour to visit. Inevitably I get at least a few groups that come after 4:00 and want to come in. Here’s how the interaction always goes, I say, “Hi guys, do you have your stickers?” They reply, “What stickers?” I inform them that they have to have paid in order to pass this point, but we stop selling tickets at 4. “But we just spent X number of hours on the road to get here and we really want to see the Huntington gardens!” they exclaim. I explain to them that they should come back another day and plan to spend all day and that we are open from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm every day except Tuesday because we are closed. Before I can finish that sentence, they blurt out, “Oh we’re flying out of town tonight.” I always get frustrated because I hear this excuse over and over and over ad nauseam. Here they are with a smartphone in hand and they never thought to call or look up our website to find out what time we close?!? Today, I thought, let’s test out these new Satanic powers of mine <insert evil grin here>.

As I expected, at 4:15 pm a couple approaches, reads the sign on the front on my podium that reads ADMISSION REQUIRED BEYOND THIS POINT, and decides to confront me, “We just got here and reeeeeally want to see the gardens!” Me: “Sorry, but we’re closing in 45 minutes. I suggest you come back…” Them: “We’re flying back to Miami tonight. Can’t we just” At this point I thought, now would be a good time to test out my new satanic skills. I looked at them eyes wide, my mouth and left hand open, and then snapped them shut to simulate shutting their mouths with all the satanic power I could muster! Nothing happened. They kept talking but looking at me a little strange. Okay, my first attempt at summoning my new abilities didn’t quite work. “we promise we won’t tell if you let us in. We'll be quick, I promise. I just want to take a few pictures with my phone” “STOP!" I said firmly. Silence. “No, you cannot come in. Did it ever occur to you to pick up that smartphone you have in your hand and call here to see what time we were open until? Or look up our website? You show up 45 minutes before we close and it’s MY problem, what do you think, this is McDonald’s and you can have it your way?!?” This time they did stop talking, by the puzzled look on their faces and the impossible attempts at uttering a word, they couldn’t talk! So using my words of persuasion to command my power is one way of accessing it. Let’s find another!

I couldn’t get home fast enough. A gazillion ideas of what my powers were and how the hell I’m going to access them ran through my mind on my ride home. Usually, the 15 miles an hour of my URB-E didn’t bother me, but today I needed a rocket! Wait, I have super satanic powers, that  I - don’t - know - how - to - use. “Patience,” I told myself, I’ve got a lot to think about and fantasize about.

So this is the first time that Beth is seeing me with my new powers. She knew I was excited, but also warned me about going slow and keeping my satanic sorcery close to home and to not fuck with the neighbors (at least not yet). I stood there on our back patio ready to…I don’t know? Wave my magic wand? Point my finger with authority and intent? Use mind control? I started by thinking, WWSD - What Would Satan Do? Ah fuck it, how should I know? I’ve only had the job for a day, I don’t think I’m expected to know how to do it all by now. I decided to stop for now and go smoke a bowl of some fine Indica. 15 minutes later while laying on the bed with our dogs, I got it! Let go, detach, and relax your mind, then tell it what you want. Have two huge salads ready for Beth and I was what I thought on my way from the bedroom to the kitchen (all of about 30 ft.). By the time I stepped foot in the kitchen, Beth says uncontrollably, “WHERE THE FUCK DID THOSE COME FROM?” All I could do after looking at the beautiful salads on the table and turning my head to Beth was grin and wink ;-).

Over the munching and crunching of our scrumptious salads, we talked about how do I want to use these powers and do I want to go public with my new identity and keep in on the down-low. We both agreed that keeping it on the d-l would be the wisest and safest choice. I thought I’d start practicing locally, with my community - work, around town, and of course our neighbors. We love most of our neighbors, but there are some, let’s just say they could use a lesson or two about attitude and parking.

We live on a busy, main street that is our only place to park. The block is all apartments. Some of these neighbors own upwards of 4 or 5 cars and trucks! Not huge families, small families - parents and their two young kids, and couples. And, they don’t know how to park for shit - 3 feet from the curb, their back end sticking out, and parking in the middle of a spot that can fit 2 cars.

It’s a shame that there has been a rash of incidences of cars getting towed because they seemed to be parked in the middle of the street or on someone's lawn <insert evil grin here>.

Now, I know that part of the responsibility of being Satan is not just doing parlor tricks, so what else should I be doing with my newly acquired talents? The only one I can think of to ask is my predecessor, Satan #30. Before bed tonight, I took a long look at the tattoo I have on my left calf of Coop’s Satan that Beth and I got on our 10 year wedding anniversary. It was the first in a series of our tradition of getting a Halloween style tattoo each year to commemorate our years together. We were married on Halloween and love collecting tats, so this has become our anniversary gift to each other. Since #30 came to me like this version of Satan, I figured this would be a good way of focusing my energy on him before drifting off to sleep.

It worked. That floating, talking, cigar smoking little devil showed up ready to help. I found out later that part of your mitzvah (a good deed in Jewish belief) as a prior Satan is to assist the present torch bearer whenever they ask for it. My main question, aside from clarifying how to access these powers, was what is the best way to serve mankind (and not as a main course)? He reassured me that focus and a clear intent on what I want to create is the best way to access my powers, and to have fun with it (he forgot to mention that the first time we chatted). As far as how to be of service, his suggestion was to always think, how will this action benefit those involved? Even if my commandment is a form of tough love and is there to teach a lesson (as I did with the couple that wanted to enter the Huntington at 4:15 without paying), it must be for the highest good of all concerned. He also suggested I read the ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF HELL - An Invasion Manual For Demons Concerning the Planet Earth translated from the demonic by Martin Olson that was originally written by the O.S. (Original Satan). It gives some good insights into the truth behind Humankind.

I woke up refreshed and ready for my new job. After a nice cold shower, it was time to get to work. If my family is to be taken care of during my tenure, let’s start today. Our dogs, Sophie (a pit bull mix) and Sadie (a short-haired, low-riding Dachshund) are two knuckleheads that can be stubborn sometimes. I want them around as my Hellhounds for a long time, so they shall have perfect health, ticks and fleas can’t touch them, and they are perfectly obedient. All Beth and I have to do, is calmly tell them what to do, and it’s done - no fuss, no stress (for us or for them). I took them for a nice long walk. Even though I could now walk them without a leash knowing that nothing will happen without my consent, I didn’t want to break any laws. I put their collars and leashes on but had the leashes floating up as if I was holding them (kind of like the invisible dog trick with the wire in the leash). And I stopped picking up their poop piles. Now the canine logs of excrement instantly turn into the perfect fertilizer for the grass or plant it lands on. Happy dogs, happy daddy!

When Beth got home, we sat on the couch after dinner and discussed what she and I wanted in terms of our physical health and appearance. Obviously, we wanted perfect internal and mental health, but how do we want our bodies to improve. Beth wanted to slim up, clear skin and strength to do what she loves - hiking, skating, and exploring the World. I chose to only have a minute amount of body fat and more muscle definition along with the strength to keep up with Beth. To not attract too much attention, I’m having this transformation happen gradually yet quickly over a period of about 6 months, most people don’t notice anything odd about changes that take place over a slightly extended period of time, plus it will feel more natural that way. To not have to worry about vertigo, hearing loss, and erectile dysfunction, AWESOME!

There is one group that I’m involved with that I think might like to hear this news, the Los Angeles chapter of The Satanic Temple. I’ve been a member for about a year and a half and really love where their heart is. TST is doing a lot of work nationally for Freedom OF Religion and Free Speech, as well as the constant struggle to separate Church and State. The L.A. chapter has put on some fucking amazing Satanic Masses as fundraisers and as a way for people who feel like outsiders in society to come together and be accepted. I knew that they would understand the terms of the way I am to assist them, and that fact that we are going to have a hellaciously fun time doing it! To give you an example of what the Temple of Satan believes, here are the Seven Tenets we follow:

One should strive to act with compassion and empathy towards all creatures in accordance with reason.

The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.

One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.

The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own.

Beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs.

People are fallible. If we make a mistake, we should do our best to rectify it and remediate any harm that may have been caused.

Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

Quite a bunch of evil motherfuckers, huh? One of the things about TST that I love is the fact that they don’t worship the actual being known as Satan, they believe in what the literary character represents - freedom from oppression, knowledge, and fun, as opposed to the other literary character that so many sheeple blindly follow. Now they have the real deal, the definite article, the man-the myth-the legend - Me. How are they going to explain that? I’d suggest keeping this our little secret and have fun doing the good works that we do. They also use Satan and Satanism for shock value to demonstrate to not always judge a book by its cover - Satanist doing good in the World and believers in God doing horrible things in his name. Btw, Anton LaVey - poser.

I can’t help but fantasize even more about all the ways I can help people and right injustices without anyone knowing it was me. If I see someone being kind to another person, I might reward them by paying for his or her parking or picking up his or her tab at a restaurant anonymously. Maybe teachers who choose to teach the truth and not just the curriculum that they are told to teach and brainwash their students will be given the support that they deserve. I love to see children become curious and question why things are the way they are. Like training a dog with positive reinforcement, every time a kid helps another kid whom he or she doesn’t know well or stands up to a bully, they get an instant reward of some sort such as found money, a certificate of appreciation, or their favorite meal from their parents. If a driver steals a parking spot that someone else is waiting for, their car dies and has to be towed. My mind just goes on, and on, and on thinking of ways to be the best Satan I can be.

“Be all that you can be, become a Satanist!”

And just so no-one catches on, I’m going to do these type of things all over the World so it doesn’t look like wherever I am miracles happen. Am I starting to sound like a god or something? Maybe so, but I am Satan. Again, I love that fact that this demonstrates not to judge a book by its cover, that which we label as good or evil just might be the complete opposite. Positive chaos can be the perfect action to right wrongs and balance unsteady ground. What if people of different nationalities and economic levels came together and organized against tyranny and oppression? Hey, a Devil can dream can’t he?

There’s a trick I’ve always wanted to do. I saw it in the 1995 movie Powder about an Albino teenager with extrasensory perception and the ability to heal the sick. In one scene, the main character Powder is camping with a group of boys (I think it was the Boy Scouts or something like that) and their adult counselors when one of the boys shoots a deer with a hunting rifle. Deeply saddened by the event, Powder touches the dying animal with one hand and grabs the hand of one of the adults. What transpires is that Powder acted as a conduit so that the adult counselor could see and experience what the deer was going through as it takes its last breaths. It’s a true example of demonstrating empathy. I would love to experience someone acting like an asshole, insensitive, or being a racist dickhead and just shake their hand or touch their shoulder and have them feel what the person that they are picking on feels when they are treated that way (Seems like a very Jesus thing to do, maybe I’ll go easy on this one).

I’m not a sports fan, I believe that sports are another way for humans to stay divided, it’s that whole ‘us against them’ thing. But I do love wearing jersey’s, so I bought a hockey, football, baseball, and basketball jersey in my favorite colors - orange, black, and gray, with my name BERGER on the back and number 31 (get it?) on all of them. GO TEAM BERGER SATAN! Did I mention that I suck at playing sports? I grew up with asthma and couldn’t run, let alone play without wheezing and coughing my head off. I died inside during P.E. every time the coach would yell, “EVERYONE RUN A LAP!” Even now, I have no desire to jog, run, or chase a ball (I’ll leave that to my Hellhounds, Sophie and Sadie).

Entry 3 Date night with the Mrs., tonight we’re going to see DEADPOOL 2. We loved the first movie and have been looking forward to this sequel for a long time. As usual, we got there early enough to get some buttered popcorn and our seats before the 20 minutes of previews. We like to sit at the top of the theater in the back row if possible so we don’t have to listen to anyone talking or munching behind us during the movie. We found a couple of seats at the top on the left side, with no one sitting around us. The previews we’re okay, a few of them that I can never seem to remember when I leave the theater, I want to come back and see.

Just as the movie starts, these three Jugheads with enough candy and food to feed a small nation, sit down right in front of us. We look at each other with that knowing glance that a couple develops after being together for years. We silently decided to not say anything yet, to wait and see. Once they started feeding their faces they became a little bit quieter, since their mouths were full of junk food. But about halfway through the movie, the commentating and texting began. “Why the fuck didn’t he just kill the motherfucker?” “Dude, that's fucking stupid! He can’t be dead, and what’s with all this mushy love shit?” exclaimed two of them while the third kept texting with the clicking sound on his keyboard. That’s it, last straw, time to have some fun.

I had the scene in the movie stop, and Deadpool played by Ryan Reynolds breaks the fourth wall (in stage and film, that’s where the actor interacts directly with the audience), and addresses the three Jugheads. “HEY PEABRAINS, YEAH YOU, THE THREE STOOGES IN THE BACK WITH A SEVERE CASE OF THE MUNCHIES AND OPINIONS - SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I WILL COME OUT THERE AND TURN YOU INTO A SUB-HUMAN CENTIPEDE!” At first, everyone thought this was a joke and part of the movie, but this wasn’t a 3D movie and none of us were wearing 3D glasses either. When Deadpool reached out of the screen with both hands and his ‘avocado-had-sex-with-an-older-avocado’ face and came towards our noisy neighbors, at least two of them pissed their sagging pants and I think the third shit himself. They ran out of there embarrassed as hell holding their poop and pee stained pants hoping nobody sees or says anything to them. After clearing the air of stench and replacing it with a gentle floral fragrance, I allowed Mr. Deadpool to continue with his scene (only after Deadpool and all the theater attendees applauded the Jugheads departure). By the way, everyone at our screening of DEADPOOL 2 received a full refund and two free passes per person to come back to see another movie.

Entry 4 8:30 am. It's too early to listen to all the squawking going on in the trees around my post. From the sounds of it, you'd think I was in a rain forest and a predator was threatening the flocks. The only way I'm going to enjoy my coffee and start the day in a good mood is to quiet things down a bit. A little concentration and a mighty, "SHUSH!" and silence. Ahh, that's better.

I was reflecting today on people who rock the boat, specifically at their jobs. Maybe, the employees who challenge the system, question management, care about their jobs and speak up, are the smart ones and the ones to listen to. They see what’s really going on first hand (the boots in the trenches), and usually have very innovative solutions to these problems. The workers and management that play by all the rules, are calm and complacent all the time, and are just buying their time in hopes of a good pension to retire on, are the dangerous ones. The latter live in fear and would never rock the boat or go out on a limb, especially for their staff. The meek shall inherit the Earth if anyone would listen to them! Maybe now I can bend a few ears and make some changes.

I’ve got to stop listening to bands like Ministry on the way home, without trying I was hitting speeds upwards of 60 mph on my URB-E. Focus Scott and remember safety first.

Entry 5 I was thinking about the quote from the King James Bible, 1 Timothy 6:10, "For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” There has been a meme going around that states IF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, THEN WHY DOES THE CHURCH ALWAYS ASK FOR IT?. I found this to be a very good question. It sounds rather hypocritical to me - they preach the evils of the love of money, at the same time they keep asking you to donate it to the Church. I’ll bet that the Church's answer would be that they [the Church] are there to take the burden of the evils of money off of their parishioners. How fucking Christ-like of them.

Thank God Satan doesn’t have to ask for donations! I can’t see myself going door-to-door begging for change, “Hi, would you like to donate whatever you can to support your favorite arch-nemesis and fall-guy?” I’ve never liked the whole sales pitch thing. Even when organizations that I’ve been involved with called it ‘sharing your experience’ instead of what you are really doing which is selling goods and services, I was still hocking their wares. Isn’t Greed one of the 7 ‘deadly’ ‘sins’? Way to teach by example you cross-loving-self-righteous-robber-barons!

The Church asks for donations and tithing (giving 10% of your income), Jewish temples require payment to become a member, and Muslims are obligated to participate in a form of tithing called zakah. You can’t tell me that religion isn’t big business, this is a global money-making machine of ancient and epic proportions. Fuck the poor, praise the rich, and pray for trickle-down economics.

Entry 6 I woke up, made some deliciously strong Armenian coffee with smoked tea in the mix for an added flavor and caffeine fix, and started perusing Facebook. I started to feel discouraged by all the hate and religious rhetoric that is being vomited all over the internet these days. I hadn’t realized just how many people actually and wholeheartedly believe their chosen religion above common sense and logic. So here I am, the embodiment of ‘Evil’ on this planet, surrounded by a HUGE majority that believes that their chosen invisible god is the only one. I’m here to use my powers for good in the midst of this turmoil of political and religious power struggle which is purely manmade (kinda sounds like a comic book. I’m sure I can get Stan Lee to appear as a cameo in this nightmare of a reality, maybe as God himself and we can arm wrestle).

According to Wikipedia, Satan is an entity in the Abrahamic religions that seduces humans into sin. In Christianity and Islam, he is usually seen as a fallen angel, or a jinni, who used to possess great piety and beauty but rebelled against God, who nevertheless allows him temporary power over the fallen world and a host of demons. The Seducer, I like it! My thoughts on sin are that it is not negative, but merely human attributes. Seducing people to be the best self they can be (No, I am NOT plagiarizing the U.S. Army) sounds like a cool part of the job. Fallen Angel - well I am kind of a klutz, and I LOVE the term Host of Demons! I also like the name Satan because it only has two syllables. The Devil {3}, Lucifer {3}, Beelzebub {4}, they don’t slide off the tongue as Satan does.

I’m guessing that what I’ve been going through the last couple of days has been a ‘reflective time.’ It feels like I’m re-learning about myself all over again. I love the fact that part of the responsibility of being Satan is to keep yourself on the down-low, I call it Satanic Lowriding. The real magician behind the curtain, the master illusionist with a heart, the manipulator of mirth…Satan!

Entry 7 Sometimes I let the dogs poop in the house just so I have something to do that reminds me of the good ol’ days. They’re so well trained these days that it’s almost boring. Last night while walking them we passed a rather aggressive Chihuahua and it’s owner (is 'owner' not politically correct?), er, I mean person, that was so distracted by her cell phone that she didn’t even know her precious little pooch was acting like a terror. As we tried to pass, I had Sadie our Dachshunds eyes glow bright red and growl a low guttural rumble that meant, “GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!” The Chihuahua got the message loud and clear, it yelped and curled up in a ball like a pill bug. Its person was easy, I simply killed the power to her phone, and then telepathically called her an evil demon and said, “Pay attention, Satan is watching you!” Of course, she dropped her phone in horror and looked around frantically trying to figure out who did this. When she looked my way, and I turned to grin at her with glowing red eyes to see her reaction - priceless!

Entry 8 I find myself asking, “WWSD - What Would Satan Do?” The Satan, Numero Uno Satanas, the OS - Original Satan, and how did he come to be? Did he just *appear* after his mention in the bible, or was it more organic like he was struck by a meteor particle? That must have been scary the first time he found out he had supernatural powers, “GOD DAMN IT, WHO THREW THAT ROCK?” Did he get tripped by a vagrant and cursed him, “May your feet fall off at the ankle!” and they did. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall the first time Satan read the bible. I bet Satan himself started a lot of the rumors and stereotypes about ‘The Devil’ throughout the Centuries.

At work, I was sitting there watching people shuffling around trying to figure out how to navigate the map of the gardens and what they want to see first. As they passed by, depending on their reaction to my greeting, I might make them lose their voice for about an hour or make some small physical improvement such as clear up acne, or even cause their clothes to fit them perfectly as if tailored just for them. I had a tour group of Japanese people act very rude towards me so I made them all speak Swedish for the rest of the day (that made my day a lot brighter).  

I know I’m supposed to do good in the World, but I can’t help but think that Satan was the Original Prankster. Maybe it’s that image of the devil with that gleam in his eye and that wink that says, “I got your back kid, let’s have some fun!”  

Entry 9 Aside from just my dogs, I can communicate with the other species of the animal kingdom. Sitting outside on the back patio of our apartment I was watching a crow on a power line cawing to the other crows in the area. He was looking for his murder (a group of crows is called a murder) which he became separated from. He must have sensed that I was looking at him because he stopped, turned his head in my direction and cocked his head to one side as if to say, “You understand me.” I nodded my head in agreement and calmly said, “Come here, my friend.” He flew down and landed on the back of the patio chair caddy-corner to me. We just looked at each other for a few moments as if we were two old friends who haven’t seen each other in years. I broke the silence by asking him if he knew who I was, he nodded and bowed his head in what I guess was a show of respect.

So I am able to speak English to animals and they understand me, and I understand them telepathically. I’m a real Dr. Doolittle! My new feathered friend cawed that he will let his murder know that I am here and to be of assistance to me and my family in any way they can. I smiled and nodded in appreciation.

Entry 10 Independent’s Day here in the good ol’ U.S.A. One tradition that I never quite understood was the annual hot dog eating contests where participants try to eat as many hot dogs as possible in a limited amount of time. The most famous of these contests are sponsored by Natan’s Hot Dogs on Coney Island in New York. Of course, small towns and cities all over this Nation have their own local competitions to see who in their community is the most gluttonous. Being the prankster that I am, I thought it would be fun to attend one of these displays of face-stuffing fun and hedge my bets, so to speak. Monrovia CA was having theirs in the park of the local library in the center of town. There were 8 contestants ranging in age from 18 to 70, both men and women. I chose the 70-year-old man who looked like a cross between Mr. Rogers and Ebenezer Scrooge. When the whistle blew the competing eaters started ferociously chomping on the pile of meat sticks in front of them. They had 10 minutes to eat as many of the 50 hot dogs in their buns placed in front of them with only water to wash them down. Of course, the younger participants started off strong, but then, thanks to me, my man started sucking down dogs like an alcoholic in a beer drinking contest. It almost looked like he wasn’t even chewing them, effortlessly letting those wieners slide down his throat. He finished his plate of 50 in approximately 6 minutes and then started reaching over to the plate of the girl next to him and started eating hers! The crowd was on their feet and going berserk! Part of the thrill for me was watching to look on the old guy's face as he was devouring the dogs in this meat-fest. Being the kind-hearted Satan that I am I made sure that the winner and all of the contestants had no ill effects from their gorging. HAIL THE HOT DOG!

I imbibed a little too much and tried to impress Beth by shooting bottle rockets out of my ass and spelling I LOVE YOU in the night sky. Good night.

Entry 11 It dawned on me that if word was to get out that I indeed was Satan and had these powers, I would be hunted by every religious whack-job on the planet. The fact that they had a physical target to blame all of the Worlds problems on, as well as their own personal shortcomings, would make me Terrorist #1. (I would make Hitler, Pol Pot, and Trump look like amateurs!) I’m sure I would hear everything from, “Children are starving because of you!” to “You’re the one who keeps taking my job!” even “The weather sucks today ‘cause of you!" If I was to get caught by these whack-jobs would they string me up and hang me, making me the ultimate martyr like Jesus, or would the military want to use me for their own evil doings? Now I know why I should keep my ministry on the down-low.

Entry 12 It’s hot as Hell today - pun intended. Temps here in Southern California hit 122 degrees in some areas, wtf? When did we move to Death Valley? I have a confession to make, I may be Satan Incarnate, but I HATE hot weather! Unlike old people from the East Coast, I will not be retiring in Florida. I’d be quite content living out my final days in Alaska (sans Sarah Palin and her dysfunctional clan), Canada, or the Highlands of Scotland. But since I was home here in Pasadena and off work today, I set the temperature in our hotbox of an apartment to a comfortable 68 degrees, turned off the ac to conserve electricity, and stayed in with my demon-dogs. They love when Beth and/or I am home with them, especially when I conjure up a big bowl of shaved ice for each of them.

Since we live across the street from the only Jewish Temple in Pasadena, I like to have fun with those obnoxious ‘chosen people’ who think that they are holier than thou. Tonight is the Sabbath. According to Jewish religious law, from sundown on Friday night to sundown on Saturday night Jews are supposed to usher in the Sabbath, or Shabbat as they call it, by going to temple, lighting candles and praying. Every Friday night it is impossible to find a parking place in front of our apartment because the temple goers have parked their Mercedes and BMW's in every available spot on the street. So to test their faith and teach them a lesson, I sent the most savory smell of bacon, ham, and shrimps-on-the-barbie to permeate throughout the temple. I’ll bet that the Denny’s on Colorado Blvd. will be filled with Jewish families ordering Moons Over My Hammy with a side of bacon and fried shrimp. You’re welcome.

Entry 13 - 9:45pm I decided to have some fun tonight. On the east coast, it’s 3 hours ahead of us here in California which makes it about 12:45 am. I used my Satan Sense to hone in on VP Mike Pence and Attorney General Jeff Sessions to make sure these two faithful children of God are fast asleep. I then telepathically visited each of them in their bedrooms, waking them as I appear as their God Almighty complete with white hair and beard, white gown, and puffy white clouds surrounding me. “I AM ASHAMED AND DISAPPOINTED IN YOU MY SON!” I said in a deep, booming voice. “USING ME AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR FINANCIAL AND POLITICAL GAIN, DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT I DIDN’T EXIST AND COULDN’T HEAR ALL THE VILE LIES YOU TELL IN MY NAME?!? THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR SINNERS LIKE YOU!” Both of their wives also woke up, saw, and heard me alongside their chicken-shit hubbies so there were witnesses. Jeff Sessions actually peed his pajamas, while Mike Pence started sobbing and apologizing like a little kid that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Will it change their stance on policies? Maybe not, but it sure was fun!

Entry 14 A First Aid/CPR class might not be the kind of environment to play around with my powers, but this particular class needed a little levity. First of all the instructor was an egotistical stick-in-the-mud who has been teaching these training classes for way too long, it felt like he was phoning it in. I could tell that most of the other attendees were getting bored and frustrated, so I decided to lighten things up a bit. The instructor, I'll call him Joe, was going over how to approach a person (the CPR dummy) who is unresponsive. His dry example of how to get a response from the nonresponsive person was the perfect opportunity. Just as he was about to lean down and give the two breaths, I had eyes, that wasn't previously there, open and look right at him. The look on his face and the girlish squeal that uncontrollably blurted out of his mouth was priceless! And just as quick as the eyes appeared, they vanished with no trace of what he just saw. The whole class gasped in unison and then broke out in laughter. Needless to say, we were all sent on a break after that.

* I put the 'lo' in El Diablo (as in down-low).

Entry 15 All fun aside, there is a very real and present danger to society looming over the United States - Christianity. With Trump and his right-wing cronies in the Federal government, their push to bypass the Constitution and drive to make Christianity the official religion in the U.S., the need for the varied people of this country to come together and fight this fascism is critical if we want to halt another Holocaust of that scale and larger. Those in power (governments, religions, banks, etc.) have been using the Divide and Conquer method to keep us separated and fighting amongst ourselves for Centuries. They use everything from a Bipartisan System, to sports, and even how products and services are marketed. Almost everything is modern society is designed to divide us up into more factions. Even amongst the same groups such as race, gender and politics there is fighting and turmoil. They want to undo decades of legislation to protect 1st Amendment rights, freedom of religion, gay rights, as well as the right to assemble. As Satan #31, I feel a strong sense of duty to support this fight and protect as many people as possible. (Crap, this feels like the most daunting tasks I’ve ever had to do!) Secularism is threatened every day. There is a movement in the right-wing community called Project Blitz. Their goals are to inundate government on all levels with Christian ideals, promote Christianity in public schools, and flood society with Christian symbolism.

I think I’ll start by more actively supporting the efforts of The Satanic Temple financially to assist with their growing legal costs. Next, I think promoting the After School Satan program and Women’s Reproductive Rights campaign will be important causes to help spread locally and nationally. Free and critical thinking should be offered to every child regardless of economic class, culture, or gender. Women’s Rights are a given, women should be recognized, heard, and fairly compensated for their active roles in society. The more transparent this work, the more people will clearly see that these Satanists are kind, loving, and compassionate individuals.

Now it will be much easier to send mass mailings, emails, and text messages to politicians. THE PEOPLE WILL BE HEARD!

Entry 16 Today I donated a substantial amount of money anonymously and specifically to the Security Department where I work. I stated that I wanted all Security Officers to receive a 25% raise, permanent structures in the entrance pavilion to keep the officers that work there comfortable and protected from the elements, and free ice cream for all Security staff anytime they want. The only clue as to whom this contribution came from was a note attached that said, “From a concerned Member.” That ought to keep ’em guessing for a while <wink>.

While I’m still working there I perform little miracles when needed, such as making people with faux ‘Service Dogs’ feel guilty when they approach me trying enter or causing the make-up of a model to run horribly down her face when she tries to come in to do an unauthorized photo shoot. One day I heard a call on the radio that there was a photo shoot going on in the Chinese Garden so I sent a small murder of crows to dive-bomb them and disrupt their plans (now THOSE would be some awesome pictures!).

Entry 17 I just had an AH HA! moment. It’s time get back on the stand-up comedy stage and influence audiences to the truth about God, Satan, and religion (Oh yeah, among other things I’m a stand-up comedian). I can write comedy bits about God and Satan interacting with characterizations of God being mean and short-tempered and Satan being as polite as an English gentleman. This is going to be fun!

Entry 18 The 'doing good work in the World' is the easy part. The hard part is using restraint when the urge to be painfully vindictive creeps in. Sometimes people piss me off so much that I just want them to feel the wrath that their behavior creates. Oh, how fun and easy it would be to make somebody pay for his or her arrogance, aggression, and stupidity for the rest of his or her lives. I've been finding that doing good work doesn't mean laying down and letting the negativity of the World walk all over you but sometimes using uncomfortable acts to get people's attention and wake them up. For example, I would love to set those people on fire who say to me, "Oh, it's not that hot today!" while I'm sitting outside in the 100-degree heat under an umbrella that makes it feel like I’m in an oven. But I hold back, and simply kill the air-conditioning in their office (only for a day).

Entry 19 Today I found out what scares the Jeebus out of Jehovah’s Witnesses, Me. 10:00 am there’s a knock on the front door. After carefully peeking out the front window, I open the door looking like Tim Curry as The Devil in the movie LEGEND. Red face and body (ripped I might add), goat hooves, and huge black demon horns. As I spoke in a deep rumble, “Good morning ladies, how can I help you?” smoke drifted out of my nose and mouth. They hesitantly offered me a copy of The Watchtower, which burst into flames and ashes the moment it touched my hand. That was all these Jehovah-Loving-Witnesses could take! As they turned to run away, they tripped and started crawling over one another to get away. I guess their faith wasn’t very strong. At least they didn’t piss themselves as A.G. Jeff Sessions did.

Entry 20 I remember once when I was in my twenties, I was assisting in a personal growth seminar - Insight Transformational Seminars. I witnessed a woman go through what they called Crabbing. Crabbing is when a person is going through a great deal of emotional release and their hands contort and stiffen-up like a crabs claws.

I can only equate when parishioners of televangelists go into those spastic fits claiming that the Holy Spirit is working through them, to Crabbing. It’s all in their minds and emotions, there is nothing spiritual about it. When believers claim to be possessed by demons and one of these flamboyantly Christian preachers ‘exercise’ the evil out of them, well that’s just bad acting.

My dear reader, you have probably guessed that I would treat them to a real possession at this point. Yes, but not the way you might think. I was watching the popular faith healer and televangelist Benny Hinn on television and he was going through his usual paces of knocking down the congregation with the wave of his jacket, er, I mean the Holy Spirit, when this one man claimed to be inhabited by an evil spirit that made him growl and bark like a dog as he rabidly showed his fangs (teeth). Just as Benny Hinn was beginning to ‘exercise’ this poor lost soul, I possessed Mr. Hinn. “THIS IS ALL FAKE YOU IDIOTS!” I exclaimed. “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE DEVIL. I JUST WANT YOUR MONEY, AND STOP BARKING AT ME!” The ‘possessed’ man in front of me/Hinn and everyone in the television studio/church froze in silence. When I exited Mr. Hinn’s body I felt slimy like a snail. Of course, when Hinn regained consciousness he didn’t remember what just happened. The uncomfortable silence seemed to last an eternity until one of Hinn’s assistants whispered in his ear what just took place. Immediately the faux healer spoke up and assured the audience that there truly is a Devil and that it is more important than ever to $upport the Church. Sometimes you just can’t fix stupid. As for me, I need a shower!

Entry 21 I am offended that some people are comparing Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, the WORST President of the United States EVER, to the Antichrist. That idea lowers the bar way too much and gives this pee-brain moron extremely too much credit. The Angel that man has created to fall from the grace of their God in Heaven, the true Ruler of this physical realm (Satan), is in no way related to this pompous asshat! Cheeto-head also gives puppets all over the World a bad name. If Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd, Lambchop, and Madame were here today, they’d be on the front lines protesting this ignorant poser. As Satan #31 in these troubled times, I’ve got my work cut out for me. With the internet, social media, and international spy’s mucking up information to the public, getting people to think for themselves and take better care of each other is going to be a quite a challenge, to say the least.

Entry 22 Just got my 6 6 6 morale patches in the mail! I’m a Beast, Baby!

Entry 23 So rock music is The Devil’s music, well DUH! Who has had the tastiest licks, best beats, and most heartfelt lyrics? A: The Devil’s music. Music began as a rhythmic form of communication. Drumming, dancing, and chanting were all primal ways of expressing emotions and stories; both joyous and tragic. This level of vibration came from the Earth, from humans, from Satan. God and his heavenly hymns are lofty and boring. I love all the controversy about rock musicians worshipping Satan, selling their souls, and making teenagers take drugs and kill people. I’m actually kind of flattered to be worshipped for my music, but the selling of souls is waaaaay out of left field. Maybe some poser of a record exec. was playing God by requiring bands to sell themselves out to his label, but I have yet to come across any ancient or recent purchased souls in my Satanic studies. Teenagers taking drugs and killing because of some richly theatrical rock band and their deeply poetic lyrics? Maybe a closer investigation into the kids home life and relationship with his/her parents and their beliefs would give more clues as to the behavior of their gothic little angel.

You see, none of it is real, NONE OF IT. It’s all illusion, a stage show, a prop. The ‘good’ - church/temple/mosque, morals, the saviors, the good-guy-in-white, and the ‘evil’ - Satanism, paganism, horror movies, rock concerts - all fake. Humans over the centuries have given these things power by labeling them as good or evil, usually to use extortion to control the masses. Often times if you look closer, you’ll see that it is evil and corruption in the good, and goodness and kindness in the evil (ie. Satan here to do good in the World). I know that this pisses off the religious-right to no end because they think that EVERYTHING has come from God. God doesn’t exist, man has created the doctrines that generation after generation has blindly followed. You’re welcome.

Entry 24 Looking at the triplex we live in, I decided we needed some upgrades. First I talked to Beth and our neighbors about me doing some upgrades to the property such as the landscaping and painting the place as well as little repairs here and there. They were all okay with it. The only one who knows how I’m really going to do it is Beth, the rest I’ll have to make it look like I’m doing the work (it’ll just get done a bit faster than usual). Second, I contacted the owner, Barbara. Barbara is an elderly wealthy widow who lives in Santa Barbara (how ironic). This property is basically a tax right off. She hates to put money into this property and only comes to see the place every few years to do a quick inspection and then raises our rent. I informed her that I will be happy to take excellent care of the building and grounds if she would cut all the units rent in half. She was aghast at first and wrote me off as a big joke. I told her to come to see her property in one month, and if she’s not impressed the deal is off. But, is she likes the improvements I’ve made we have a deal. She agreed, probably thinking that she just got some free work done on the apartment complex she owns.

The first thing I did was replace all the pipes with brand new, larger copper ones. Now none of us will have clogged and backed up sinks and toilets again, and we’ll have great water pressure. Next, I fixed all of the electrical panels with more wattage and fixed all of the outside safety and patio lights, and then added some solar panels on the roof to lighten our energy costs. For the outside, I had all the bushes and plants trimmed and healthy in our new drought-tolerant landscaping. The final touch was painting the building. I chose an earthy brown with a sage green trim, very California (faux) Craftsman. Just to make it look like I was working I’d put a few ladders, drop-cloths, and paint cans lying around and did the whole thing in about a week (so it didn’t look too magical).

The day of Barbara’s inspection. The look of shock and then odd approval was priceless. I simply explained to her that I had the time and experience to do this kind of work and since all of her tenants have been long-term renters, including us, and weren’t planning on moving any time soon, I wanted to make our apartments the most comfortable and pleasant as they can be. I had a document drawn up putting this agreement in writing which she signed without hesitation. Home is where the heart is.

Entry 25 Sometimes I like to badger Christians on Facebook that post things about thanking God for their good fortune or sending thoughts and prayers. I will pose the question, what if God had nothing to do with it and those things happened simply because they happened? Their righteous comments usually are full of, “God gave us free will” “It’s part of God’s plan” or “God has promised us our place with him in Heaven for believing and loving him.” The more I bring logic into the conversation, the more they sound like a broken record (for those of you who don’t remember vinyl records, when they got damaged or scratched the needle would get stuck on that part of the song and keep repeating), but God, but God, but God, but God, but God, but God… I figure if I keep mentioning logical things, maybe some of it will seep past their brainwashing into their subconscious and plant a seed of free thinking in that skull of theirs.

Time to get off the computer, go outside, and help a little old lady across the street.

Entry 26 Bad parenting lesson of the day - keep an eye on your children at all times. After witnessing countless parents stroll along casually as their little angels run far ahead of Mommy and Daddy, I thought a lesson in parenting was in order. Just to be clear - no parents were harmed during this eye-opening experience.

<In my best Rod Serling voice>Two young boys, about 5 year's old racing each other a good 40 feet ahead of their parents on a crowded walkway. As they approach me, I wave to them with a hello gesture and *POOF*, they're gone! Not really gone, just invisible. Physically they are there, you just can't see them. I can tell that the boys themselves were having fun with not being seen, playing tag and sneaking around people. Just to add to the mystique of their disappearance I made them silent. Not only could you not hear their voices, but you couldn't hear their movements either. Of course, I was able to see and hear them.

By the time the parents of these two little ghosts reached me, I can tell that they still have no clue where their boys are, moms eyes were glued to her cell phone playing Pokemon Go and dad was taking pictures. I motioned for the boys to come over to me. I instructed them to follow their parents for as long as they can until they stop and wonder where you are. At that point, I suggested that they give them a little scare, nothing too crazy, we don’t want to give them a heart attack.  Their screams will be my cue to make them visible again. I hope those parents learned their lesson!

Entry 27 Oh, thank Heaven, for entry twenty-seven. I’ve always wanted to have one of those Candid Camera types of shows where you do something or set up a scene to watch peoples reactions. Now I can do it anytime I like. I love being out in public, such as at a farmers market, a bar, or a restaurant. As I walk past people, I would say, “Hello, I am Satan” in their native tongue. It’s always more fun when my target is wearing a cross or some kind of religious pendant. I love doing this to cultures that are very religious - Spanish, Italian, and French are fun, but the best is saying it in Latin. I walked past a superfluity of nuns on the street the other day, I made eye contact with one of the nuns, grinned as wide as I can, and said, “Salve, Satanas sum,” then I winked and blew her a kiss. The look of horror on the other nuns was priceless, the beautifully embarrassed blush of the one I had my sights on floored me! HAIL SATAN!

Do you want to have some fun? Here are a few that you could try out yourself!

Hola, soy Satanás (Spanish)

Bonjour, Je Suis Satan (French)

Hallo, ich bin Satan (German)

Ciao, sono Satana (Italian)

Salve, Satanas sum (Latin)

Usually, once the person looks at me inquisitively and possibly asks me what I just said, I just look dumbfounded and say, “I didn’t say anything” in perfect English.

Entry 28 I've noticed a lot of pop-up churches around town lately. Signs for church gatherings and services at other established churches. For example, I saw signs for a Presbyterian Church service in front of a Korean Church. They must be renting the church for their own congregation. My question is this, how many god-damn churches do believers need? And there are new ones popping up all the time - The Calling Church, Cenacle of Faith, TLC Church, but my favorite church is the Jews for Jesus. To the J of J, I say, "Make up your fucking mind!" Is the United States government just handing out tax-exempt status like candy on Halloween to anyone who claims to be a Church?

For shits and giggles, I had bumper stickers made that say, "SATAN LOVES YOU MORE" and I take selfies with it in front of any house of worship that I come across. This was inspired by countering the JESUS LOVES YOU signs that religious fanatics carry around in public. I now have a HUGE gallery of these pics. Maybe I should make a coffee table book of them and sell them, then donate the money to organizations like the Planetary Society and the Freedom From Religion Foundation.

Entry 29 I’m a huge star on YouTube, and nobody knows it. All of those videos of cars speeding down a street and suddenly get into an accident with what appears to be nothing - that was me. Putting invisible barriers in front of speeding cars is easy. Any video with an animal painting or drawing, me. All the paranormal shows and ghost hunters that experience garbled voices, cold spots, and an electromagnetic entity, yours truly. I love video editing, the way I do it.

Entry 30 My favorite saying these days, “It’s hot as Hades!”

Entry 31 Just for fun, I posted a photoshopped picture of a King James Holy Bible in a barbecue on fire. My Atheist friends thought it was funny, but I had some folks take quite an offense to it. I get it, burning a bible is akin to burning the America flag, two extremely revered objects that people kill in the name of. Would those offended feel better if I burned a copy LeVey's THE SATANIC BIBLE? I did it to make a point - they are just objects, physical things and nothing more. The value of these items is given to them by humans. I could take a 2 X 4 of wood and say that it is the most precious hunk of a tree on the planet and if I get enough people to believe me, then I have a sacred item - The Holy Post of Satan! If you burn my Holy Post, well, then you'll have kindling. If Jesus' bloody body hanging nailed to a wooden cross could be considered sacred, then so can my 2 X 4.

Entry 32 I wonder how many other Satans there have been, and what did they do? I feel like a new regeneration of Dr. Who but as Satan. This would be a fun trivia game that I could play by myself - look at world events over the Centuries and see if I can spot the ones that were facilitated by Satan. The Roman Empire? World War 1 or 2? Did Satan #30 leave me to deal with Donald Trump?!? (Satan never gives you anything you can’t handle)

Entry 33 San Diego Comic-Con International is the largest multi-genre entertainment and comic convention in the World, and a [relatively] safe environment for someone with actual superhero/super-villain powers to strut his stuff. Since getting in shape via the Satanic method meant that I could wear any lycra costume and look awesome. I chose instead, to go with the open shirt look of, wait for it…HELLBOY! Too obvious? Actually, it’s the perfect cover. When I make lasers actually shoot from a Stormtroopers gun, or make a kid dressed as Superman fly, they’ll never suspect HELLBOY.

I did it up right, morphed myself to look just like the Ron Perlman make-up from the movie, complete with oversized stone right hand and cigar (I love smoking cigars). I even smelled like roasted peanuts (hardcore fans will understand this). Personally, I chose this character because it just felt right.

Of course, Beth joined me, her hero of choice - Carol The Bowler from MYSTERY MEN. She looked great! She wore Dr. Marten’s, black jeans, the exact same jacket with the same patches on it, nail polish, dark eyeliner, dyed green hair, and without missing a detail - the enchanted skull bowling ball. Yes, I hexed her bowling ball prop so that she had power over it.

This was our first time attending ComicCon. It’s true, this convention has gotten huge and is mostly the entertainment industry buying and selling their next (they hope) billion dollar franchise. Regardless, the costumes of the Con-goers and hardcore fans are amazing! From toddlers dressed as the ‘mini-me’ of their parents' characters to the elderly wearing skimpy costumes that they probably shouldn’t be wearing, everybody looks fantastic and has fun posing with each other for friends and the media. One of my favorite groups that were there were the folks from Magic Wheelchair. They custom design motorized wheelchairs for kids with mobility issues. They do everything from an X-Wing Fighter from Star Wars to a Unicorn Princess, to a dragon or even a pirate ship, and they are all built by volunteers. The look on the kids' faces in their matching costumes was priceless (I’m such a big softy of a nerd).

Beth had everyone amazed at how she was able to make her bowling ball fly and control it. She was having fun flying the ball directly behind someone’s head and making it hover there like a balloon. When the unsuspecting character turned around, usually after someone near them told them to look behind them, they’d find themselves face-to-face with Carmine The Bowlers grinning skull. There were more than a few macho superheroes squeal like a little girl when confronted by his boney grin.

I kind of stood out also because I made myself 6’ 6.6” tall (Corny, huh?). I had the accent and dialect down pat. Some people started to think that I was Ron Perlman making a surprise appearance, even some of the event coordinators were on their cell phones trying to figure out who I was. One of my favorite things I did was to make people act in different ways as if they were hypnotized. I might have a guy dressed as Aquaman hiss and meows like a cat, or a Catwoman bark like a dog. I freaked out a kid dressed as Shazam!, when he started acting like the character trying to figure out how to fly, I made him levitate and then fly over the heads of spectators before gracefully landing in the same spot. (Speaking of Aquaman, I think I’ve got a man-crush on Jason Momoa) When I came upon the three guys wearing the Kim Jong-un, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin masks I couldn’t resist. I walked up behind them as they were dancing in front of a crowd and loudly exclaimed, “Well well well, what have we got here? The 3 Stooges!” I scared the holy dictator-shit out of them! “Kimmie, go suck a nuke. Don, ‘YOUR FIRED!’ And Pooty-Poot, stay out of our business!” The crowd went fucking wild! I love comic book geeks.

Entry 34 As often as I can, I like to go into a mixed neighborhood and wander the streets. Whenever I come across people, I like to just say hi, maybe ask them a question, and then shake their hand or pat them on the shoulder. Then when I do that to another person, I give them the power to experience some of what that last person I touched thinks and feels. You might say I’m sowing the seeds of empathy and understanding. No expectations, just spreading awareness in a friendly, social way. Imagine what could happen if in some of the poorer neighborhoods around Los Angeles the Latins, Blacks, Asians, Armenians, etc. start getting along and agreeing on things - shit’s gonna change real fast!

Whenever I travel anywhere I do this. I hope this awakening goes viral!

"He say I know you, you know me One thing I can tell you is You got to be free Come together, right now Over me” ~The Beatles

Entry 35 Welcome to Hell. I have found it, and we are all living in it. Yes, it is right here, our lives on planet Earth. Religion has convinced people for centuries that there is a firey place of hellfire and damnation that you will be sent to after you die if you have sinned while you were alive. Of course in some religions such as Christianity, there's always that loophole, or as I call it your 'get out of Hell free card.' Confess your 'sins' to a priest or donate a buttload of money to the Church and *POOF* magically you are saved! It's the oldest plot line in history - good vs. evil. There is always a hero and a villain, with their minions of angels and demons to do their bidding. This story of good/bad has been used primarily to control the masses. If you behave yourself, follow the scriptures of the religion you were brought up to believe, and don't question those in power, you'll go to Heaven. But if you think for yourself, question authority and choose to sin without asking for forgiveness from their savior, you're on your way to an afterlife of eternal pain, torture, and the repetition of your sinful ways (actually that last one doesn't seem too bad).

This existence we call life is either going to be our own personal Heaven or Hell. If you feel good about how your life is going, you could say life is like Heaven and you feel blessed. If you experience stress, depression, or anxiety due to the present state of the World at large, you are in your own personal Hell on Earth. What we, even Satan myself, choose to focus on will be how we judge whether we are living in Heaven or Hell. Don't get me wrong, I love the theatrics of Death Metal and Satanic Masses, but that's all they are - theater, entertainment, with lots of smoke and mirrors. The evangelicals love the drama as well, miracles and faith healing are two of their favorite things they use to exploit believers. Most religions use the image of Dante's Divine Comedy to scare followers into believing their rhetoric, which I find very comedic. I do love how organized Hell is. There are 9 levels called Circles of Hell. Depending on what your sin was, you are sent to the appropriate Circle. Lesser violations are sent to the upper Circles, while the hardcore sinners are sent all the way down towards #9. And then there is also Purgatory, which is a kind of 51/50 (72-hour hold) of purification before being allowed to enter Heaven. It seems like a lot of politics to me.

Entry 36 Part of the work that I do as Shaitan (word for Satan from the Quran) is challenging the stereotype of being the ultimate scapegoat for everything judged as bad. This act of not taking responsibility for one's own actions has been around as long as the good vs. evil plot line. It’s easy for people to pass-the-buck onto The Devil when things don’t go right or tragedy strikes. Geraldine Jones what famous for saying, “The Devil made me do it!” If this was true, I would have quite an impressive resume to brag about.

I love changing signs and billboards that blame The Dark One into blaming God’s Wrath. I saw a sign that read

GO TO CHURCH Or the DEVIL Will Get You!

So I fixed it. Now it reads

GO TO CHURCH Or God’s Wrath Will Get You!

Here’s a billboard that I saw

SHARIA LAW THREATENS AMERICA by UnitedAmericaCommittee.org

So I changed it to

GOD’S WRATHTHREATENS AMERICA by God.com

Do they want to play the fear game? I can play the fear game!

It has always seemed to me that when God doesn’t get his way or his followers don’t abide by his rules he punishes them, ie. the story of Noah’s Ark and the big flood. Satan doesn’t demand humanity to be loyal to him, he wants people to learn, think for themselves, and enjoy life. The people who invented God use fear and power to control their flocks, while Satan sings, "Come on people now, Smile on your brother, Everybody get together, Try to love one another, Right now” by The Youngbloods. Yes, it’s true, Satan is just a big ol’ music lovin’ mush bug.

Entry 37 My favorite actor to play The Devil on television is Ray Wise from the show REAPER. His mature, suave, and sexy look and demeanor was what I would want to be like if I was The Devil. Well, here I am, not exactly the Satan I thought I’d be. But it’s okay, I’m happy with how I look and my unique style. Again, like Dr. Who, each Doctor had his own unique style. I guess that goes for Satan as well. For a favorite movie actor as Satan, I would have to say Al Pacino in DEVIL’S ADVOCATE.

John Milton: Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway?

God? Is that it? God?

 Well, I tell ya, let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch.  He’s a prankster.  Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift and then what does He do? I swear, for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag reel, he sets the rules in opposition.

It’s the goof of all time. Look, but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste. Taste, don’t swallow.*laughter*

And while you’re jumping from one foot to the next, what is He doing? He’s laughing his sick, fucking ass off. He’s a tight-ass. He’s a sadist. He’s an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never! Kevin Lomax: Better reign in hell than to serve in heaven, is that it? John Milton: Why not? I’m here on the ground with my nose in it since the whole thing began! I’ve nurtured every sensation man has been inspired to have! I cared about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected him, in spite of all his imperfections! I’m a fan of man! I’m a humanist. Maybe the last humanist. Who, in their right mind, Kevin, could possibly deny the 20th century was entirely mine? All of it, Kevin! All of it!Mine! I’m peaking, Kevin. It’s my time now. It’s our time.

Entry 38 I’m finding that even in Satanism there is angst and fighting between sects. It’s sad when even groups that truly want to do good in the world are corrupted by greed and power. Too many rules and doctrines end up working against the organization that is implementing them (see The Catholic Church). Here is another example of how the trickle-down effect doesn’t work. The people who occupy the upper-echelon want to stay at the top. Giving it away may sound Saintly, but I guarantee they would rather continue their comfortable, lush lifestyle than live like the majority of society. To soothe their guilty conscious, they donate scraps of money to charities that they deduct on their taxes.

If I become aware of this kind of selfish behavior, I like to make their generous ‘contribution’ check bounce, or their wire transfer fail. Not that I want to keep support from these charities, I would just rather them come from a more honest source, such as me.

Entry 39 Amorphophallus Titanum, aka The Corpse Flower. n. Latin: amorphos (without form, misshapen), phallos (penis), and titanum (giant). The flower gets its nickname from the pungent odor similar to rotting meat or a decaying corpse.

Lil’ Stinky as we call it at the Garden is quite popular when it blooms, which seems to happen anytime within an approximate 4 to 20 year period depending on the environment and conditions. The gardens become a media circus, and people waiting with bated breath to see and smell this natural wonder.

Just last week ol’ Stinky started to open, so the folks in the Botanical Department put it out on display and alerted the media. The biggest question of the week has been, “Has it bloomed yet?” When it does, hordes stand in line for hours to get a picture and a nauseating whiff of this infamous smelly penis flower.

I decided to take this display of [morbid] botanical beauty to the next level. I waited until Saturday to begin the facilitating process, since there will be more visitors, and there also happens to be a Members Summer Concert that night as well. Not only did Lil’ Stinky open, but grew to a size of over 20 feet in a matter of hours. Along with the size increasing exponentially, the odor intensified tenfold! Breathing inside the conservatory where it is housed and displayed, was almost impossible. About 1 in every 3 people lost-their-lunch, which just added to the death-like stench. They actually had to close down the viewing in order to clean up the mess and get some fresh air in there.

And, it was I that called the good folks at The Guinness Book of World Records. You’re welcome.

Entry 40 Often throughout my life, I’ve felt that one of my roles as this character I call me has been to act as a catalyst for change. Not necessarily earth-shaking events, but a change in policy, thoughts, or relationships. Many times when I’ve been involved in an organization, whether as an employee or a volunteer, major shifts take place during my stint with them. Sometimes it has manifested as a physical move to a different location or a change in policies. Roles and relationships change. I’m not saying that (up until now) I have consciously been making these shifts happen, but in hindsight, there has definitely been a pattern.

With the influence I have as Satan, this trend will continue, but more intentionally. Lately, I’ve been going to jails and prisons as a volunteer to simply talk to inmates and give them a chance to interact with someone other than fellow inmates and guards. Many of them don’t have friends, family, or a spouse to visit them. By being a neutral sounding board for them who doesn’t judge them is a great gesture in and of itself. I assist them a bit further by clearing their consciousness a bit more about life and the choices that they have made and why they are there. Sometimes this extra assistance bleeds over to some of the others incarcerated as well as some of the guards (oops, my bad).

Personally, I would love to see all of these for-profit prisons to go out of business. The less innocent people and low-offense (such as marijuana and drug abuse) folks are locked up, the more people in society to make positive changes in the world. Crooked politicians who are invested in these human money machines will be financially pinched hard by the loss of their inhumane investment.

Entry 41 God of the Bible (Old and New Testament) judges and punishes man, Satan accepts and supports Man in his efforts to enjoy and thrive in life. Just the simple fact that God is nothing more than a concept of man’s construct mostly used to control the masses, and Satan has been a tangible force doing good in the world says a lot. We are actually living in, as best as I can describe it, a reality that is more like the Upside Down from the series Stranger Things than we think. Here, people believe that God is good, Devil is bad. Yet there has always been more harm done in the name of God than anything that the Satanic Panic has ever yielded. Crucifixion, the Crusades, and the Republican Party are good examples of this. Whereas Witches, Pagans, and Satanists have been blamed for everything from bad crops to Smallpox, to the weather. Pills are good for you, but a plant is a drug. Priests are not Pedophiles, but Heavy Metal music makes kids kill. Trump is smart, while the press is fake news. Actors make good politicians, while kids who survive school shootings are called Crisis Actors. White is the new Black, and Brown is the new bad guy.

Don’t blindly believe everything that you’ve been taught your whole life. Do some research. Allow yourself the opportunity to see things through someone else’s eyes. Ask yourself, “What if what I know about something is the complete opposite?” What if Hell was a spa, and Heaven was a desolate, frozen and dead landscape? Be careful of labels.

Entry 42 Lettuce Prey. A favorite meme of many a Satanist on social media. There is a growing movement of Atheists and other secular groups that are attacking the concept of prayer to fix things such as natural disasters and ill-health. I just watched a satirical video about praying the gay away.

pray: verb - address a solemn request or expression of thanks to a deity or other object of worship.

Expecting an invisible being to adhere to your requests because you believe in them is as naive and childish as thinking that the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are real. I’ve heard God described as not being ‘the Great Bellhop in the sky.’ Humankind has always seemed to place its faith in events and changes outside of itself.

So my question is this, what about the myths of people selling their souls to the Devil in exchange for talent, wealth, and power? Blues guitarist Robert Johnson supposedly met the Devil at the crossroads and sold his soul in exchange for being a virtuoso on the guitar, and thus made him a blues legend. I’m beginning to think that it really was The Devil that granted Mr. Johnson his extraordinary talents, as far as the soul-selling thing, I don’t know. If it’s true that humans souls are only their emotional reaction to things such as music, and that there is no otherworldly destination called Hell, maybe the Satan at that time was playing along with the whole Heaven and Hell story to bestow those talents to Robert Johnson simply because Satan loves the Blues.

I personally think the theatrics of pleading your case to The Devil and signing a contract with too much fine print, in blood, is very entertaining. Does it mean anything? Hell no! Plus, it would put you, as Satan, directly in the spotlight and might undermine your work to do good in the world.

Entry 43 I heard from Satan #30 last night in my dreams. He came through in the middle of a pee-dream (a dream that has some urgency to it in hopes of waking you up to go to the bathroom) where I was frantically trying to get somewhere on my URB-E but could never quite make it. There he was, at every stop that I thought had a bathroom. He was just checking on me to see if I had any questions or needed any assistance. I actually said, “Where the fuck is a bathroom around here?!?” He replied, “Down the hall on the right.” After acknowledging his answer with gratitude, the only thing I wanted to know was, am I doing it right? Was I doing enough with these Satanic powers? Should I kick it up a notch? Do I look good in red? He reassured me that I was doing great and reminded me to continue to have fun with this ‘work,’ actions speak louder than words, and [almost] always use caution. He then vanished, leaving me with a full bladder and a comforted mind.

Fully awake, standing over the toilet relieving myself and smiling. Today is going to be a delicious day!

Entry 44 "Now his holiest books have been trampled upon No contract that he signed was worth that what it was written on He took the crumbs of the world and he turned it into wealth Took sickness and disease and he turned it into health He's the neighborhood bully.

What's anybody indebted to him for? Nothing, they say. He just likes to cause war Pride and prejudice and superstition indeed  They wait for this bully like a dog waits for feed He's the neighborhood bully.

What has he done to wear so many scars? Does he change the course of rivers? Does he pollute the moon and stars? Neighborhood bully, standing on the hill  Running out the clock, time standing still Neighborhood bully."

I love the lyrics to many of Bob Dylan's songs, especially Neighborhood Bully on his INFIDELS album. These are the last three verses of the song. I can't help but wonder whom Dylan was thinking of as the neighborhood bully in this song, Satan? Is Satan really such a bad guy, or has he just been labeled as the Neighborhood Bully of the World?

~

Yesterday Beth expressed to me that I don't look like The Dark Lord and I agreed, I look more like Gimli from the Lord of the Rings with a farmers tan, the only things dark on me are my arms and face.

Entry 45 This entry I dedicate to the 45th President of the United States, no really, this is the best dedication. I know dedications, I've dedicated billions and billions of dedications for many many years. I got good dedications. I am the best dedicator ever.

Just kidding! That bloated-orange headed-fast food chomping-megalomaniac who is being referred to as the evilest man on the planet is giving Satan a bad name! Maybe another nickname such as Purgatory Pete, or Donald the Damned, or simply Scum of the Earth might fit him better.

I did give him food poisoning from one of his two Big Macs, and both of his Filet-o-Fish sandwiches (this is only one meal), 3 out of 4, I was feeling generous.

Entry 46 Thanks to centuries of religious doctrines, the vast majority of people on this planet are lemmings, blindly believing anything that their holy men, politicians, and advertisers tell them. They have been trained to obey, spend more money than they have (aka credit and loans), and feel overly righteous about their culture. How does one motivate folks to think for themselves and put their differences aside?

I could help promote Dan Barker’s book - GOD The Most Unpleasant Character In All Fiction. Mr. Barker basically uncovers and highlights the vast number of times GOD is jealous, petty, unjust; an unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously, and a malevolent bully in the Old Testament. This ought to open their eyes and get someone’s panties in a bunch.

After finding out in the news that Howard Lorber, the Executive Chairman of Nathan’t Famous Inc. (the makers of Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs) was hosting a fundraiser in the Hamptons for President Trump, I thought that tainting the production of some all-America hot dogs would be a good place to start to add fuel to this fire. Choke on it, Mr. Lorber! (Hmmm, I seem to be feeling rather wrathful lately)

Entry 47 And on His 6th and 7th days, Satan rested, because those were His days off from his day job. Not that I didn’t do any good deeds, I just chill-out the most on those days; smoke pot, do a bit of cleaning around the house, fix potholes in the street we live on, smoke some more pot, nap with the dogs, cook dinner, and wipe the sweat off of my brow.

Just thought of an awesome slogan to fit-in with today's generation - SATAN IS MY SUPERHERO. Maybe we’ll start with bumper stickers, then t-shirts, hats, and capes!

Entry 48 This is going to sound odd, but as of late I have decided to not continue as a member of The Satanic Temple. Wait, Satan doesn’t want to be a member of The SATANIC Temple??? Yes, it’s true. I found out that there was a power struggle going on between the higher-up and the local chapters, so following many other Satanists, I quit. Like the rest of TST expats, I still believe in their mission and the 7 tenets, but being a part of this organization is not working for me if you get my drift (Now THERE’S a statement that shows my age!).

I’ve learned about myself that I don’t seem to last very long in an organization.  I’m kind of a lone wolf in a way. I also tend to become a catalyst for change wherever I am. Just recently I have accepted this fact as well as fully embrace it.

Entry 49 If I ever start my own metal band, I’ve got the perfect name: SEB - Satan’s Eternal Benevolence (How’s that for getting personal?!?). I’ll be the lead singer, maybe I can get Robert Trujillo (Metallica) to play bass, Kerry King (Slayer) and John 5 (Rob Zombie) on guitars, and my cousin Rod Morgenstein (Dixie Dregs, Winger) and Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters) on drums. Oh sweet the sound. Our first single - Satan Loves You More is a counter-attack to the signs, Jesus loves you, that believers like to carry around.

Entry 50 Captains Log - August 20, 2018: I’ve seen more SATAN LOVES YOU MORE stickers all around town from Pasadena to Downtown Los Angeles, the San Fernando Valley, and all the way down to Redondo Beach. Your boy gets around! Almost like a subliminal message planting a seed in their subconscious, I’m letting them know that I am there for them.

Mikey ‘The Good Christian’ Pence has been spouting off lately again. He’s still pushing for creationism to be taught in public schools, wants the government to pay for gay conversion therapy, and hinted that condoms are ‘too modern’ and ‘too liberal.’ I guess my last visit as his Almighty God didn’t get through to him, time for a more direct approach. From now on, every time Mikey mentions God, the Bible, or utters the word Christian his ass from his tight little butthole, to his cheeks, and around to his tiny little pee pee will burn like the fires of Hell that he is so damn afraid of. I guess you could say he’ll be a real Royal Flush. He’ll look like the poster boy for Red Devil Fireworks. Matadores will yell OLE! and bulls will want to gouge him with their horns. Latin Americans will call him El Diablo (Wait, I take offense to that!). This ought to be fun to watch - the VP is going to go viral!

Entry 51 On my playlist these days:

PIG - The Gospel, Risen

FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH - And Justice For None, Got Your Six, War Is The Answer, The Wrong Side Of Heaven And The Righteous Side Of Hell

PINK FLOYD - The Final Cut

Entry 52 ’Hackers’ <wink, wink> deleted the credit card debt of hundreds of thousands of credit card users, mostly VISA, MASTERCARD, and DISCOVER. A good majority of AMERICAN EXPRESS cardholders can afford their debt so they can keep it.

A homeboy was pulled over on the side of the street having car problems with his lowered, gold Chevy Impala, so as I rode by on my URB-E I nodded to him and fixed his ride instantaneously. Without even questioning what just happened, he simply gave me a nod of approval and thanks. Maybe it was my motorcycle helmet with the three devil horns mounted on it, but there was a sense of respect at that moment.

Entry 53 I had another visit from Satan #30 last night, he was just checking in on me (WOW, the Satanic support staff is AWESOME!). I shared with him that I’m getting the hang of doing the Devil’s work and I wish I could do more. He reassured me that patience is one of Satan’s best friends, but to be very aware of Vampires. I asked him if Vampires actually existed, and he was extremely assuring that they did. He said that they have been on this planet as long as man has, and as man evolved so did they. Over time they have learned techniques to blend in with mankind and improve their tactics on how to not only survive but thrive. They’ve learned how to suck the life out of someone, yet keep them alive and craving more from their vampire. This species of vampires is one of the worst. The Latin name for these vile creatures is Vampires de Emotus, or more commonly know as Emotional Vampires.

Emotional Vampires, along with their close cousins the Mental Vampires, will suck the will to live right out of you. At first, they seem like a friend or relative that is going through some frustrating issues, but the moment you step in to help, they trap you and slowly begin torturing you with their long and drawn out monologues of woe-is-me. You want to escape their grasp, but guilt overcomes you and feeds off of your decency as a human being. *Note to self: unfriend 80% of my friends list on Facebook.

Entry 54 There is a small group of homeless folks that make camp by the Gold Line Metro Station on Allen Ave. I ride past them daily on my way to work. They recognize me and wave in appreciation of my acknowledging them. They are never hostile or beg for money from me, it’s like we are neighbors seeing each other around the same time each day. The most social of the group is a guy that goes by the nickname Chuckhead (I didn’t ask.) He’s a tall - 6’5”, broad-shouldered and bald rock of a man, and also one of the kindest and most genuine I’ve ever met. Chuckhead told me that he was a steelworker from Pennsylvania, but when worked dried up because of Trump messing around with tariffs, he moved out west. With no money and no permanent address, it’s been hard to get a job and find a place to live. He hooked up with this bunch as a way to always have somebody to watch your back and what little stuff you might have.

I set up accounts with Dominos Pizza, Vons, and Jameson Brown Coffee Roaster and have them deliver to Chuckhead on a regular basis. I explained to Chuckhead that I’m doing this to assist them in taking care of themselves while living on the streets. I simply asked that they use their strength find something to do for money, that is legal, and that they feel good about themselves for doing something for themselves.

Funny thing, people in trucks and vans started coming around looking for laborers to do yard work or help someone move, hmm.

Entry 55 There is a kind of Universal Knowledge that Satan has the ability to access. It's like tapping into a vast database of history and current knowledge, sort of like how the human subconscious records everything that a person thinks, feels, and experiences, but on an infinite scale. I started to notice that when I wondered about something I would get an answer. After a little bit of investigation, I found out that this is true and started testing it. Often. This is like having the fastest internet connection you could imagine but in your head.

Entry 56 The other day I watched a DIY video demonstrating how to make a magic [looking] wand from a chopstick using a glue gun and some paint. I thought, how fun would it be to have a cheesy little wand that I can do actual magic with. No one will ever suspect that a homemade magic wand made out of the finest disposable pine chopsticks would actually be able to perform real magic. I can make up wizarding sounding words such as, "Shutus Trapus" (to silence a person), "Vanisimo" (to make someone or something vanish), and "Gigglitis" (uncontrollable laughter) to command my powers.

I bet I could make some serious change busking as a street corner magician. I'll wear a top hat and cape to give me that old-time magician look. "Hocus pocus, alacazam - turn this girl into a man!" And poof, this cute little 9-year-old eating frozen yogurt, with a flash of light and a billow of smoke, instantly becomes a full-grown bearded man wearing tight jean shorts and a t-shirt that says, 'BEAR' on it. The best part was when she hugged her dad out of fear of the light and smoke part of the show, and they both realized that she was now a big ol' he. Of course, I turned her back to her original self when I distracted the crowd with an impromptu light-show across the street.

Seeing the looks of surprise and amazement on people's faces, and the smiles and laughter is the real reason I do this kind of stuff (but the pay ain't so bad either).

Entry 57 57 Varieties of Pickles" by the H.J. Heinz Company. That’s the first thing I thought of when I realized that I was about to start Entry 57. Heinz Tomato Ketchup was my absolute favorite condiment to smother all over my french fries, onion rings and scrambled eggs.

Since California is my home turf, I healed the San Andrea's Fault. Sort of like fixing two pieces a giant ball from pulling apart by using Super Glue. No more shakers, rattlers, or fear of California falling into the ocean. No 'Big One,' just peace of mind. I don't think anyone will notice, except for the geology geeks at Cal Tech.

Entry 58 I’ve developed my own style of stove-top cooking that creates food that is to-die-for. I take a skillet with a high edge (approx. 2”) and let it pre-heat for a minute or so, then I add one drop of cannabis-infused oil to the center of the pan. As flames rise around the edge of the skillet, I place my food; vegetables, chicken, or fish, in the dead center. The flames then envelope the tasty morsels and cook them to the point where the inside is cooked perfectly and the outside is charred deliciously for the best look and feel. I call this method Satan Flambé.

Entry 59 Whenever I’ve asked a believer in God where Heaven was, they would inevitably point to the sky. Okay, I get it, Heaven is up and Hell is down, but what I want to know is why does Heaven always looks like it’s just above a bunch of fluffy white clouds, seen from the window of a plane, in our atmosphere? Believers will argue that it is beyond space, but again I ask, why does it look that way? And how the Hell do they know? The bible was written by men Centuries ago, long before air travel, they would have no way of knowing what it looked like beyond the clouds. While I’m at it, which one of those lily-white-ass holy men knew exactly what a sinner would expect when they arrived in Hell? I think some scholars with some hallucinogenic plants and a great imagination had a field day composing the greatest piece of fiction man has ever created.

Entry 60 I often hear overly empathetic believers say, “Thereby the grace of God go I” when they see someone who appears less fortunate than themselves. I figured if they can use God as their fictional character of caring, I can use any other fictional character that I choose; “Thereby the grace of Ironman go I,” “Thereby the grace of Captain Kirk go I,” and my favorite, “Thereby the grace of Satan go I.”Try it sometime, it’s fun!

Entry 61 Mankind is a tough nut to crack. From the beginning of the human race, from small tribal villages to modern urban cities, man has been in love with power. Power over another person or people, power over the environment, power over the weather. To control others and profit from this behavior has become the Universal Dream. The negative side of greed - void of morals and value for life. This is the side of greed that sees other human beings as merely a commodity, a vehicle to exploit and discard. The positive side of greed is the motivation to do more and to want better for yourself and others.

I find that individually people are incredible, more than a couple and you start to get that group mentality. Groups can be dangerous because 1) they’re larger and more powerful, and 2) they can be more easily led to believe untruths. Groups become a generality, a race or culture of people, whereas one or two people are simply that, people. Fellow human beings with histories, families, stories, triumphs, and failures.

There is an insane amount of division between folks these days. Party lines in governments, religions, economic class, ethnicity, age, sports - it always comes down to us against them. We have been divided up and fattened for slaughter. My big quandary is how in tarnation am I going to do enough good in the World to make a difference? I already knew the answer to my own question - the only one judging me on whether or not I’m doing enough good in the World is me.

“What, me worry?” - Alfred E. Newman

Entry 62 The people that totally crack me up, but are extremely dangerous to society and the environment are those that claim to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. From Kondratiy Selivanov and Ann Lee in the 18th Century to the nutcases Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez and Alan John Miller of today, these extremists actually think that they are the embodiment of Jesus Christ. According to Wikipedia, there are 30 of these folks from the 20th and 21st Centuries alone. This is cosplay on a whole different level. I mean yeah, you'll find guys dressed as Jesus at Comic-Con, usually riding a T-Rex and sporting an automatic weapon, but they know that they are just playing around. To spout gospel, start your own cult, and take innocent people's money, and sometimes their lives are downright criminally insane.

Here are a few quotes from Alan John (AJ) Miller, head of the Divine Truth cult in Australia, "There's probably a million people who say they're Jesus and most of them are in asylums. But one of us has to be. How do I know I am? Because I remember everything about my life."

"Just a little over 2000 years ago, we arrived on the Earth for the first time."

"My name is Jesus and I'm serious."

This guy is a classic cult leader who has done his homework. He has plucked peoples heartstrings by calling himself Jesus. He uses the 5 common methods of mind control;  1. People are put in physical or emotionally distressing situations, 2. Their problems are reduced to one simple explanation, which is repeatedly emphasized, 3. They receive unconditional love, acceptance, and attention from a charismatic leader or group, 4. They get a new identity based on the group, 5.  They are subject to entrapment (isolation from friends, relatives and the mainstream culture) and their access to information is severely controlled. Miller has mixed in scientific proof with biblical bullshit and called it Gods Truth. It sounds convincing, but come on, humans have only been around for 2000 years?!? (It's actually closer to 200,000)

*note to self: never be like that.

Entry 63 After a little research, I found out that only a handful of families own and operate the World Banks and are heavily invested in all of the Fortune 500 companies. Ah ha, so I’m not a conspiracy nut! This mafia of money has almost every major country in their very deep pockets. These money magnets figured out what makes the most money - destruction. If they create, allow, and promote any kind of disaster that will need fixing, they finance it and get fiscally fatter. War is easy, push some false propaganda about a country who doesn’t want to sell their resources to these world banks, send in a bully such as the United States to create a coup, and finance both sides of the war and the rebuilding of the country. The devastation of natural disasters is a major cash cow. Mankind has been messing around with controlling the weather [scientifically] since the 1940s. Cloud seeding is real. The larger and more powerful the storm, the more flooding and devastation, the sweeter the payout is for these robber barons. The mainstream media are puppets that they control to promote the fear-mongering and hatred that keeps people divided and fighting. To them, human beings are merely collateral cattle to do their bidding, over-populate, and die off in the slaughter.

And they say Satan is the evil one! If greed is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, these Bastards should be very dead (oh that’s right, the bible is just a book of fiction). I love to mess with their capitalistic system by hitting them where it hurts, in their wallets. I like to create boycotts of companies and products that are morally guilty and have safety issues and hazardous ingredients. Now you know why Walmart and Amazon stocks keep dropping like a lead balloon (Sorry guys, should be treating your employees better and paying them a decent wage to live on).

Entry 64 “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64.” - The Beatles

Today I was challenged by some dimwit visitor at work. He thought he was being funny by wearing his admission sticker somewhere hidden. When I asked him if he had his admission sticker he quite confidently exclaimed, “Yes!” When I asked to see the sticker he declared, “Don’t worry, I AM wearing it.” At this point, I was ready to have some fun. I very politely said, “Game on. Let’s play. If you truly are wearing that sticker, it will begin to burn through your clothing and brandish itself onto your skin. If nothing burns, you don’t have a sticker and need to go buy one, AND one for another person waiting in line. The fire has been lit, and the burning will commence in 5, 4, 3, 2,1…

It was like watching a live action cartoon, his face went from a smartass cocky grin straight to a look of horror and confusion. I found out real quickly where he stuck that sticker. After letting him jump around smacking his own ass like he was riding in a rodeo, I stopped the burning. As a parting gift, I left the sticker inked onto his skin as a permanent reminder of our time together. What can I say, I’m a giver.

Entry 65 I love the names of some of the fundraisers that Satanic groups come up with; SOLES FOR SATAN, MASTERBATIN’ FOR SATAN, MENSTRATIN’ FOR SATAN, SATANIC BLACK MASS, SATANIC STORY TIME, EXERCISING DEMONS, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL. I think there should be something for senior citizen Satanists - CONSTIPATED FOR SATAN, GRAMP’N FOR SATAN, or for the Jewish Satanists - SHALOMING FOR SATAN. HEIL SATAN for those dedicated German Satanists, and for the White Supremacist Satanists(?) I’LL KILL MYSELF FOR SATAN.

Entry 66{6} Via one of my favorite information source, Wikipedia, some Number of the Beast history and trivia:

In Kabbalistic Judaism the number 666 does not play any significant role as such. However, the perfect number 6 and some of its multiples (e.g. 36, 72 and 216) represents the creation and perfection of the world. The world was created in 6 days, and there are 6 cardinal directions (North, South, East, West, Up, Down). 6 is also the numerical value of one of the letters of God's name, associated with the Sefirah of Tiferet, which represents harmony, beauty, and cosmic balance. Rabbi Eliezer Horovitz, quoting the Vilna Gaon, mentions in his book Mosad ha-Yesod that the number 666 contains hidden within it exalted and lofty messianic potential, but does not explain any details of this conjecture.

Jehovah's Witnesses believe that the beast identified by the number 666 represents the world's unified governments in opposition to God. The beast is said to have "a human number" in that the represented governments are of a human origin rather than spirit entities. The number 666 is said to identify "gross shortcoming and failure in the eyes of Jehovah," in contrast to the number 7, which is seen as symbolizing perfection.

Seventh-day Adventists taking this view believe that the Mark of the Beast (but not the number 666) refers to a future, universal, legally enforced Sunday-sacredness. "Those who reject God's memorial of creator-ship—the Bible Sabbath—choosing to worship and honor Sunday in the full knowledge that it is not God's appointed day of worship, will receive the 'mark of the beast.’"

"The Sunday Sabbath is purely a child of the Papacy. It is the mark of the beast.”

Idealism, also known as the allegorical or symbolic approach, is an interpretation of the book of Revelation that sees the imagery of the book as non-literal symbols. The idealist perspective on the number of the beast rejects gematria, envisioning the number not as a code to be broken, but a symbol to be understood. Idealists would contend that because there are so many names that can come to 666 and that most systems require converting names to other languages or adding titles when convenient, it has been impossible to come to a consensus. Given that numbers are used figuratively throughout the book of Revelation, idealists interpret this number figuratively as well. The common suggestion is that because seven represents completeness and is associated with the divine, that six is incomplete and the three sixes are "inherently incomplete". The number is therefore suggestive that the Dragon and his beasts are completely inadequate. Another suggestion is that this number represents an individual's incomplete or immature spiritual state.

In 1989, Nancy and Ronald Reagan, when moving to their home in the Bel-Air section of Los Angeles after the 1988 election, had its address—666 St. Cloud Road—changed to 668 St. Cloud Road. In 2003, U.S. Route 666 in New Mexico was changed to U.S. Route 491. A New Mexico spokesperson stated, "The devil's out of here, and we say goodbye and good riddance."The phobia has been a motif in various horror films such as The Omen and its 2006 remake. The number of the beast also appears in other films such as Pulp Fiction, The Doom Generation, End of Days, Bedazzled, and The Phantom of the Opera. Some women expressed concern about giving birth on June 6, 2006 (6/6/06).

I know that I should have waited until Entry 666 to lay all this Number of the Beast stuff on you, but I just couldn’t wait to share.

Entry 67 I have actually come to appreciate the creators of government, religion, and commerce. Their patience in their long-term goals of corruption and greed is unsurpassed. They knew even then, that control of the minds, hearts, and money of the masses would ensure them wealth and power. The Catholic Church has been molesting children for centuries, and followers to this day still believe that the Church is here to do good in the World. According to TIME magazine, the Catholic Church is worth somewhere between 10 and 15 billion dollars, and they don’t pay taxes on any of it! The naivety of a huge portion of the populous, for this long, is almost unfathomable. Countries have been spying on each other, keeping secrets, and starting wars not for the reasons the mainstream media tell us, but for private profit. And of course, major corporations know that enough money spent on lobbying and bribes buys you control of both governments and religion. The 'War on Drugs' is funded by the U.S. government. The U.S. military protects the poppy fields in Afghanistan, then supplies the drugs made from the poppy, and then uses the drugs as an excuse for police brutality and more drug-related arrests. Privately run prisons make a killing off of the minor drug convictions. None of this is new, they just keep getting better at pulling the wool over the sheeple's eyes. I guess you could say I am the fly in the ointment, the wrench in the system, the thorn in their side. I’m like the older brother sticking his finger an inch from his little brothers face while repeating, “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you…”

Entry 68 It's officially Fall here in Southern California, which basically means it still feels like Summer. Daytime temps are in the 80's and 90's and humid in the evenings. It can be difficult to get into the Halloween spirit when the smell of suntan lotion fills the air and people are walking around in shorts and t-shirts. Here is Satan wishing for cooler weather <insert irony here>. I'm starting to think about what I want to be for All Hallows Eve. Since October 31 in Beth and my wedding anniversary, that night holds a special place in our hearts. Every year we do something fun and darkly-themed to celebrate our nuptials such as visit the Winchester Mystery House, take a trip to New Orleans or even go camping at a ghost town. But this year will be the first time I honor my love as Satan.

Entry 69 The yin and yang, the sex position, 96 to a dyslexic. The key is finding a balance. I'm finding out that I can't, and probably shouldn't try to save the world. A very wise supervisor once said to me, "Sometimes you've got to let it fail." This is a good reminder also to not draw too much attention to myself Satanic self. It's so easy to want to right every wrong, make every criminal pay for their crimes and be the hero, but I've got to remember - Satanic Lowriding (Satanic lowriding sounds like I'm riding around in a murdered out black Chevy Impala with red leather interior and hydraulics).

Entry 70 I have a confession, I like watching videos of people having huge pimples popped and blackheads squeezed. It's like a car crash, you don't want to look but you can't help it. Seeing the pus pulp of dead white blood cells and fresh red blood being pushed forth from the skin of their host makes me feel like I have the cleanest skin EVER! There is a woman on Facebook who goes by the name of Doctor POP that is a true artist at dermal cleansing. It's so beautifully sterile the way the patients are covered in surgical protectants leaving only the infected area exposed for Doctor POP to lacerate and squeeze like she's popping a champagne bottle with her latex covered fingers, true anatomic artistry.

Entry 71 Beth and I are not planning on having kids, but if we did, I'd like to use the names of the Devil to identify our little bundles of joy and also piss off the religious right. I just read an article about seven boys named Lucifer in England and Wales, how fun is that! Those towns are going think that it's an evil uprising coming to take over the World! I can just see our boy Lucifer burning up the streets on his skateboard, Satanas attending her first prom, and baby Beelzebub bouncin' 'round the room. My minion of misfit minors. I would teach our kids to be confident but not aggressive (unless it is necessary), to be proud of their names, and always keep their sense of humor. What will baby Bee's first word be, flies?

Entry 72 Last night I worked [security] for a wedding at the Garden. The usual big fancy set up with lots of staging, flowers, and rich people dressed to the 9's. The event was fine, until about 10:30 when a few of the neighbors in this wealthy suburb complained about the volume of the music coming from the dance floor. It was a beautiful celebration and everything was running smoothly until that visit by the police to turn things down, which did put a bit of a damper on the bride and grooms special day. As an anonymous wedding gift, I placed an invisible sound barrier around the property and told informed the DJ to turn it up. I asked my supervisor to step outside the gate of the garden near where the reception was being held to check the decibel reading. When she confirmed that it was quiet as a mouse across the street, we let the party rage on. The list of songs Mr. DJ was spinning from his laptop computer was an awesome mix of classic wedding tunes such as, "We Are Family" and "The Time of My Life, " to modern hip-hop. Mazel Tov you two crazy kids.

Entry 73 October 1st. Despite the fact that it is 95 degrees and sunny hasn't put a damper on my Halloween enthusiasm, as a matter of fact, it only motivates me more to find creative ways to celebrate All Hallows Eve. Since we are in Southern California and don't get the cool Fall weather with trees changing to a lovely Autumn orange and yellow, my image of this spooky time of year is that of an old western ghost town - dusty streets with tumbleweed blowing by, an old cemetery with wooden grave markers, and skeletons wearing cowboy hats and boots. Even though our apartment looks like we decorate for Halloween all year round, things get even more creepy during the last few months of the year. The 'Holiday Season' is a hauntingly beautiful time. Our neighbors have agreed to let me decorate the whole building, which means there will be a lot of traffic on our street due cars slowing down in amazement of our ghoulish display while expelling shrieks, ooo’s and ahhh’s. Time to start designing…

Entry 74 I had fun today at work doing nice, little, anonymous things for people. When I saw a co-worker with a handful of stuff approaching the reception door, I’d make the door gently swing open just as they arrived at the threshold. People would suddenly get great cell phone reception. Flowers would slowly fade from their original color to another hue, and then back. I even put a smile on a woman’s scowling face. Seeing the look of confusion convert to a pleasant surprise in her eyes was priceless.

Entry 75 Faux 'Service Dogs' used to really bother me when their obnoxious owners would get defensive when I would stop them to ask the two questions that, by law, I am allowed to ask, 1. Is it a Service Dog, and 2. What specific task is the dog trained to provide for their disability? The lying dog owner would always get agitated and blurt out something like, “Medical reasons” or “According to the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) you can’t ask me that” which just proves their dishonesty and arrogance. Now, I simply ask the dogs.

Today a couple tried to get in with not one, but two dogs. The white Maltese pups were on extending leashes held by the tattooed-shaved head-muscle shirt-douche with an attitude. When I asked him the questions he gave me the standard answers, they were service dogs and that I was not allowed to ask him the second question. I immediately looked down at the canines and asked them, “Are YOU Service Dogs?” to which they replied by telling me, “Service? We just want to run around, pee and poop!” They then both peed on their lying owners' legs and turn around to run back the other way. I politely look at him and said, “Service dogs huh? Get out and stop abusing a law that is for protecting the rights of disabled people whom legitimately need a dog to assist them through life.” He shot me a look of pure hatred that I found extremely humorous as they turned and stomped away, all the while his girlfriend never said a word, only rolling her eyes in embarrassment.

Entry 76 Typical of the church, they find something that people celebrate and enjoy and steal it for their own propaganda. I love a good haunted house, the more realistic the better. Hell Houses are the Christian haunted houses that show vignettes of the horrors of sinning - Anti-abortion, anti-drug, anti-free thinking, etc… The earliest hell house appears to have been created by Rev. Jerry Falwell in the late 1970s. The concept was picked up in 1992 by Keenan Roberts. His first Hell House was in Roswell, NM. Since then, he has become a pastor of the Destiny Church in Arvada, CO and sells Hell House Outreach™ kits to other churches. Included is a 263-page manual which covers everything from casting to publicity to instructions on how to make hamburger meat look like a fetus and where to store vats of blood. Roberts was once quoted saying that Hell Houses, "show young people that they can go to hell for abortion, adultery, homosexuality, drinking and other things unless they repent and end the behavior.” Can you believe this shit?!? Taking something fun like being frightened by gore and things-that-go-bump-in-the-night (which are healthy things to be afraid of), and scarring kids for life with these barbaric recruitment tactics.

There is a Hell House in West Hollywood, CA. I thought to myself, “How much fun would it be to visit their little moral macabre show and scare the Hell out of THEM?!?” So I did. It wasn’t very crowded, mostly parishioners of that church and their delusional families. I acted humble and quiet, waiting to see the horrors of modern life they were about to show me. In all of the rooms I went into, I changed the attitude of the actors to the enjoyment of the sin they were demonstratively demonstrating as opposed to the negative scare tactics of which they intended to portray. I had couples thanking God for the ability to get an abortion because of rape, men and women/men and men/women and women passionately making love, and one scene where a family was sitting around the kitchen table smoking pot and drinking wine and beer. For fear that anyone would see this gross display of carnal pleasure, this Hell House closed almost immediately after I left the premises.

Entry 77 So the story goes that back in the heyday of Rock and Roll on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood there was a drinking club made up of musicians known as the Hollywood Vampires who hung out at the famous Rainbow Bar on Sunset Blvd. next door to the Roxy club. They acquired the name Hollywood Vampires because they were only seen at night and quite often were drinking red wine. Fast forward to 2015. Three friends - Alice Cooper, Joe Perry of Aerosmith, and actor/musician Johnny Depp get together and decide to form a band to honor their dead drunk friends from rock and roll's past, and aptly name the band the Hollywood Vampires. Along with some of the best session players in the biz, the Vampires totally shred on songs by their friends from bands such as The Who, Led Zeppelin, T-Rex, and many others. I have been listening to their debut album non-stop for a couple of weeks! Alice Cooper being the rock and roll patriarch of the group owns the stage with his commanding prowess, while Joe, Johnny and the rest of the band rock the hell out of the songs of their fallen compadres. Never stop rockin’!  

Entry 78 I’m sort of happy that the folklore character Krampus is becoming more popular, at the same time I’d hate to see such kind-hearted ally become the victim of over-marketing. Krampus, in European folklore, looks like a fur-covered half goat/half demon. He plays the bad-cop to Saint Nicholas’ good-cop. While ol’ St. Nick rewarded the good children with toys, Krampus punished the bad kids by beating them with a birch switch, gathering them up in his wicker basket he wears on his back and tosses them into a special place in Hell. I’m tired of seeing all the faux goodwill towards man bullshit around Christmas time, and then it’s back to displaying our prejudices and hate to each other.

Entry 79 Not surprising, I support the supposed ‘War on Christmas.’ Of course, there is no War on Christmas, it’s just the extreme right-wing Christians that feel threatened because there are other people who celebrate the Winter Solstice differently than they do. Everything has to be “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” They get their Jesus loving panties in a bunch when Starbucks’ holiday cups don’t look Christmasy enough. They actually think that December 25th is the birthday of their fictional savior. Oy Vey.

Christmas lights on churches can’t seem to stay lit for some reason <wink wink>. People who display giant crosses as part of their Christmas decorations tend to find them inverted each night when they turn on their retina-burning light displays. Hypocrites who complain about Starbuck’s cups but continue to buy their coffee find that holding that not-Christmas-enough cup is impossible because it is hot as Hell in their sacred hands (making McDonald’s coffee seem like an ice bath).

Every time a choir sings, a demon gets their wings.

Entry 80 I think I’m going to take it easy for the rest of the year and wait for the overly sponsored Tournament of Roses Parade on New Years Day. Maybe I’ll hex the floats so that none of them stall or breakdown on the parade route. Happy New Year!©

[badlydrawndrawnings]

semi-formal critique  of p2/p5 similarities

When the first Persona 5 PV came out, almost everyone agreed that Persona 5 was going to be the Persona 2 duology of the modern games based off what we saw (or at least, that’s what it felt like). This belief only grew more when more (playable) characters were introduced and known characters info was release, and even later PVs showed everyone something big was going to happen in the story. In fact, some thought that Persona 5 is exactly like Persona 2 (mostly Innocent Sin) due to their apparent similarities in darkness and maturity. Now that the game is out, do these claims hold true?

I’m not sure about you, but I personally think it’s not. I’m not saying Persona 5 isn’t dark and mature (because it is), but it’s not handle like it was in Persona 2.  The problem I have is that it seems people are trying to claim that the two games were handle the same way (mostly with Innocent Sin) via characters and certain plot points, which I honestly think it ranges from ‘I can see it’ to ‘yeah, no’, because both games handle these similarities differently to suit their perspective game.

The Ann(e) & Lisa comparisons is one I can get behind due to the fact are foreigner (1/4 mix for Ann[e]) and treated differently by their peers and have few friends. In fact, TV Tropes even has this in her character folder: Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Of Lisa Silverman, who expresses distaste in her own game about being considered "exotic" because of her ethnicity, as well as both being of the Lovers Arcana. However, both games portrays and handle it differently. For Lisa, being the only white girl caused her to be bullied as a child until she found friends in Tatsuya, Eikichi, Jun, and Maya (before things went up to literal flames and smoke). As a teenager, Lisa actually call out the new friends she made for using her background for their idol group Muses, because they want her to sing an English solo. Lisa was all “Oh, when I was young no one wanted to hang out with me because of my looks, but now due to my looks you want me because you think I speak English? Well guess what? I don’t speak English!” (not the exact words she used, but that’s the jist of it). For Ann(e), her mix background pretty much made her a pariah once she entered high school, since students think she’s loose and easy. It’s not helped by the fact rumors has students believe she’s in a relationship of sort with Kamoshida, which what he’s doing is pretty much sexual harassment. However, once he gets push into jail (basically, end of Castle Palace), Ann(e)’s background and problem get pushed aside and becomes a footnote for the main game. Regarding her Co-Op/Confidant, I honestly don’t think (or maybe I don’t remember it well) it was barely there either despite the fact it’s all about Ann(e)’s job as a model (along with her relationship with Shiho). While both Lisa and Ann(e) have problems with their background, Lisa’s was more about being bullied + stereotypes (kind of) , while Ann(e)’s was more on being negatively stereotype. 

The Ryuji & Eikichi comparisons, while not as common as they used to be, I can kind of see due to certain traits they share. Both are delinquents/troublemakers with good hearts, granted Eikichi really deserve the title of delinquent/troublemaker since he did does go to a school that dealt mostly with ‘troublemakers’. Ryuji honestly doesn’t deserve his label of being a delinquent, but Kamoshida certainly influence it.But if I have to bring up another character to compare Ryuji too, it would have to be Anna Yoshizaka.  Anna was a star sport player (UPDATE: Anna was apparently in track, just like Ryuji) at Seven Sisters until she got into an accident that made her unable continue, and as a result, she became a delinquent. My memory about IS is fuzzy, but I believe she used Joker’s wishing service to heal her injury, and it lead to her joining the Masked Circle as Lady Scorpio (UPDATE: According to two official yet untranslated novels, Anna just joined the Masked Circle without wishing for her leg to get better) EP!Anna still went through the same events, but she became a normal student with friends (no joining villainy here). Minus the obvious, Ryuji shares a whole lot with her regarding their school background, and it’s a shame not a lot of people aren’t bringing it up more. I guess Eikichi is the popular one for the picking because he, like Ryuji, is the ‘everyday average (best) friend character that’s comic relief’ like Junpei and Yosuke, making him an easy target for these comparisons. That, and I think Anna is kind of forgotten in the fandom (HA) and such, few comparisons had been made regarding her.

Like, Ann(e) & Lisa,  Yusuke & Jun has this trope in his character folder: Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Bears more than a passing resemblance to Jun from Persona 2, with a similar hairstyle, school uniform, and tragic family backstory”, and a majority of fans believed this to be so pre-game release and post-release (not as much as pre-game, but it’s still high). I personally believe that out of all the character comparisons I have seen, these comparisons makes no sense and superficial. I will try to explain why. Jun is the ‘sweet’ (term is subjective because he does have a petty side) flower loving boy who is the potential boyfriend to Tatsuya. Jun is also one of the main villain/antagonist  of Innocent Sin and had a burning desire for revenge on Tatsuya and company for 2/3 of the game because Jun thought (wrong) that Tatsuya and friends killed Maya (by letting her die in a shrine fire). Jun’s parents not only fought, he was embarrass by his father (who later died, and this is important), and his mother didn’t want much to Jun because she misses her life as a celebrity/actress (this is also important) and became neglected to him. Because of his mess up family situation, Jun was manipulated by a god, er, supernatural being who pretended to be his dead father, and his mother used Joker’s wishing service to make her young forever (I think?) and joined the Masked Circle as Queen Aquarius, and never realizes her son was Joker until late in game and takes a hit for him, and she die realizing she was a terrible mother. EP!Jun is much more happy since his parents are loving and caring and alive (no villainy here for mother and son). Yusuke, while antagonistic to the PT in civilian form, joined them to take down his Madarame after seeing how the truth from his Shadow and could no longer deny his abuse. The reason why Yusuke put up for it for as long as he did was became Madrame was the only parent he knew, so Yusuke didn’t take it well when he learns that Madarame indirectly let his mother died. After that, Yusuke spends most of his main game as the quirky art friend, while his Co-Op/Confidant has him being the starving artist trying to survive the [art] world (and dealing with the aftermath of Madarame). Despite fandom’s claim he is a soft boy, the guy can be a total dick (again, I bring up the fact he was antagonistic to the PT in civilian form, being rude as hell to Joker/Akira and Ryuji mostly). Yusuke and Jun don’t share the same role in their perspective games and their so call ‘similar tragic family situations’ isn’t similar at all. The only thing they have similar is their physical appearance, and I can’t figure out why fans claim with the others thing I brought up.

(The character that does share similarities to Jun is Goro, but because there are countless of post analysis/arguments on this already [I did so too, but I was stating how Goro has many similarities to other Persona and one SMT characters], I’ll just end the topic with this: there’s a reason Atlus why didn’t give the Kasugayama Uniform to Yusuke and gave it to Goro instead.)

I would say I have seen Futaba & Bafou comparisons...but that would a damn lie. Okay, so I have seen people talking about the traits they share like their computer hacking skills (not to mention Ultimate Personas with Prometheus) but I have never seen people actually compare compare the two characters in detail like the others characters I mention. On the other hand, I have seen people theorizing Bafou is either Futaba’s biological father (it’s second popular after the ‘Shido is Futaba’s biological father’ theory) or is actually Sojiro , which makes me wonder if that has to do with anything. So...NEXT!

The Sae & Katsuya comparisons is quite fun to discuss since I believe they make better foils to each other. Both are adults that have jobs with the law (public prosecutor for Sae, detective for Katsuya) with strain relationship with their younger siblings due to family issues (mainly, their dad). The way they are foils is due to their relationship with their younger siblings. In IS, Tatsuya sees Katsuya as an annoyance, granted there are a few moments he seems to know his brother does means well. In EP, Katsuya’s annoyance is pretty much explained by the fact Tatsuya is in some ways, a little shit, and Katsuya wants to fix their relationship because of the trouble their dad got when he lost his job via frame up (there is resentment because Katsuya had to give up his dream of being a patissier, but in the end, they still love each other). Makoto wants to make Sae proud, but the way their father died is affecting it (Sae kind of...doesn’t hold him in the same pedestal as Makoto does, which causes some strain on their relationship). To make the foils part  clearer, Katsuya is a Persona User and hero/protagonist from beginning to end, and Sae is a non-Persona User and Palace Host Target who becomes their ally near the end.

Leaving character comparisons and onto plot points, Persona 5 has some similarities with them, and it the way they handle it also affects how dark and mature the game is. The main plot point people bring up is that Persona 2 and Persona 5′s main villain made a bet on humanity. I can’t spell their names to save my life, so I’m calling them Nyary and Yababadoo. One minor plot point is that in some way or form, both were able to manipulate a group of people to do his bidding (one person in Yababadoo’s case but it turn into a group so...), but said group usually fall apart and the villain then takes control. The one thing that separates the two gods is that, Nyary, unlike Yababadoo, won his bet in Innocent Sin. Nyary tricks the heroes into getting one of their party member to die, and they pretty much ended the world. The only reason Nyary ‘lost’ is because Philemon did some time travel BS/made an alternate universe to reset everything at the cost of the Innocent Sin cast never becoming friends. What Philemon did drove the point that the player lost. They weren’t successful, and to ‘win’, they had to lose everything. There was nothing they could do about it, and because of Tatsuya’s refusal to forget, the exact same shit in Innocent Sin almost happen in Eternal Punishment. In Persona 5, the PT were always successful with their heists, and they won against Yababadoo’s game. They never screwed up, and the one time they did ‘screw’ up by ‘killing’ someone was a frame job. This wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t supposed to anti-heroes thieves, and frankly, most anti-heroes I know screw up at one point leading to them to fix it. I’m not saying I don’t want Persona 5 to end with Yababadoo winning and Igor going ‘welp time to pull a Philemon’, but if Persona 5 wanted pull the dark and mature P2 level or show they are the anti-heroes thieves taking risks with that they are doing, they could have let the PT screw up by actually accidentally kill Okumura and feeling guilty for it. The game could show the player they’re not holding back punches allowing them to think “Shit, here I thought I was successful and invincible.” 

This part sounds like it’s going off topic, but I swear it’s not. As much as the fans love Persona 2, it feels like they forget Persona 2 was two games that made up the full story. Persona 5, while telling a story, has some parts that feel empty. It’s not empty enough to make another game, but enough to make a DLC to explain something within the game itself (unless Altus plans on doing it in the inevitable remake). In fact, the data mine from 4chan last September and some Youtube videos show four things: Goro has casual voice clips (English and Japanese) that backs up Atlus claim from the new book they wanted him to be a regular Co-Op/Confidant early in development, Goro has Loki voice clips (English and Japanese) that aren’t him going berserk which makes things weirder since mods and hacks can make Goro playable with Loki past the Casino Palace, the fact Goro has a mouse form and mouse voice clips (English and Japanese), and that there’s a file (datamined from a copy of the Japanese game) that show Atlus planned a ‘true end’ (I made a post about it here, and it also has some of the Loki clips but I think they’re dead links, so you got stuck with them and a small-ass image from 4chan talking about the files). If you’re still not convinced, the official art book that Japan released last year shows cut-in not used in the game (I think you can find them in the game files itself?) for several characters (Goro is one such character). One surprising character that has them is Lavenza,  the true form of Caroline and Justine who get little screen time. Going by the fact the game does a minor time skip before properly ending, it’s easy to theorize *tinhat on* Atlus planned something with the true end with both characters within that time frame, but when Goro was made an automatic Co-Op/Confidant during development, they cut out the month and made ‘true end’ in December, and left Lavenza as minor NPC *tinhat off*.

Eternal Punishment may have crushed fans’ hopes and dreams of the Innocent Sin cast remembering and reuniting (excluding the bad choices you did that made them remember), but the game gave its purpose of finishing the story of Innocent Sin. The story didn’t felt empty regarding story. It felt complete. Sure, the story has a bittersweet ending since no one will remember sans Maya and her crew (they know shit happened on the other side after all), but the world is still there, and it’s message to the player is that sometimes, you need to move on to change for the better (at least that’s what I got.) Another thing to note is while Tatsuya tries to stop the end of the world from happening (again), he was only successful because he teamed up with Maya, Katsuya, Ulala, and Baofu to defeat Nyary. It was the adults that save the world. It was Maya, and adult, and her team, who were also adults, running around most of the game figuring out what the hell was going on and doing part of the work to save the world. The adults, in some way, had to clean up the mistakes the mostly teenage Innocent Sin cast did. What Eternal Punishment did made the story come in a full circle of sorts. Persona 2 starts with inexperience teenagers trying to save the world, and it ends with experience adults saving the world. I know the point of having a  teenage cast in Persona 5 is to set the theme of having the younger generation changing and fighting back against the old fashion and (partly) corrupt society for the better, but I bet there are adults (twenties and thirties) that want to do the same thing too. I’m not saying all of PT should have been adults in their twenties to their thirties, but it would be interesting if one of your party members was an adult that not only want to change society for the better, but (going off the idea if the PT actually screwed up on the job)  had to fix the mistakes the PT did for them to learn and grow.

I guess what I’m trying to say P5, while a good game and dark and mature in its own right, is not and can not be compared to P2 dark and mature levels. Think of this like this: P2 was the cake that won first prize at the baking competition and people loves it, talking about it for years after it was eaten. A new baker did the same thing for P5. While still winning first prize, it doesn’t reach the level of the cake everyone remembers yet people compare it for reasons that makes no sense because they are unique cakes.

[skeweredplasmablade]

Kokichi Appreciation Post / Why I Love Kokichi

Of course, there is mega, ultra spoilers for DRV3 here so I am going to put this under a break and tag it as best I can. This is a long post btw, brace yourself.

Okay so at the beginning of the game, I fucking hated Kokichi. I thought he was a total scumbag of a character, and overall just annoying and I wanted him to die. There were two (and a half) things that changed my mind.

The Free Time Events you get with Kokichi

His “big reveal” after the class sees what’s beyond the door in the sewer. (This is the “and a half” one)

The fifth trial.

Free Time Events

Over the course of the FTE’s (which I didn’t reach until post-game), Kokichi initially hassles the protag (whoever it is) by lying about everything, even minute things. But bits of his true nature begin to unfold when you start to understand the nature of his lies. As far as we know, the only thing Kokichi does not lie about during this time is his appreciation of your gifts. 

If this was a lie, the friendship meter would not have gone up when you gave the right gift. This is a modest point, but it does show that he sincerely cares about expressing his gratitude towards you. You are, for what little evidence shows, the only person who takes the time to “enjoy” his company, and he shows his gratitude in the above point and in the playful banter.

He threatens to kill the protag with a smile on his face, snickering away at your confusion and distress, but as the FTE’s continue, he challenges you to certain duels “with your life on the line,” but purposefully sabotages the duels in your favor. This is explained in several ways:

The rock-paper-scissors matches - he states that life-or-death will just be determined by a game of chance, but they tie over and over again for the entirety of the hour you spend together.

He starts at first saying that there’s a technique to predict what the opponent will choose, but immediately calls himself out for lying, as he would have won on the first try if that were true, but it’s actually even less likely that he’s lying because the “100″ times they tied couldn’t be just dumb luck.

The knife game - he states that whoever cuts their hand first loses, immediately goes first, and speeds up until he hurts himself, then concedes to the protag saying they won by default 

Then he continues on saying he already killed the protag, but in their mind, because the entire time they were talking about life-or-death, kokichi was on their mind, to the point where the protag even helped him when he hurt himself.

This goes on to support the idea throughout the game that Kokichi hates the idea of hurting people, even when he uses Gonta to do a certain thing. The Gonta situation is the main fucked-up thing Kokichi has done. The Gonta Situation/The “Big Reveal”

Before continuing, this point needs to be directly addressed, because while Kokichi certainly did something morally heinous, he did not act with ill intent. We know from the story that Kokichi wants to stop the killing game, even if it costs him his life. While he claims he wants to “win” the game, it is more true that he wants the killing games to end. Believing in the flashback light before the fourth trial, he schemes to trick monobear into giving him the same flashback light showing the outside world to use again. He persuades monobear by saying it would make the trial interesting, but he later confesses during the trial that he lied. He had ulterior motives.

It’s important to note that many of Kokichi’s lies have a shred of truth to them. his goal is to make the trial interesting not by letting his friends suffer, but by screwing over monobear.

Quick recap: 4th trial, Kokichi shows Gonta the outside world via the flashback light and believing in the credibility of the light, cooperates with Gonta to establish a murder that will result in everyone getting executed. Kokichi plays it off as the evil one of the group because he is playing a character, and further commits to portraying his character the more his psyche bends, until it finally breaks. 

Kokichi’s purpose here is genuine, he really does believe that a mass mercy killing is better than the outside world, because the outside world brought so much despair “it made you want to die.” Dying ignorant is better, and this is reinforced in his free time events, where he talks about “lies being better than the truth sometimes.” He often lies to make things interesting or entertain, and upon completing his friend rating in the main game, the skill acquired is “Kind Lie.”

He claims to feel no guilt for what he did with Gonta, but immediately after the trial, his psyche finally starts to break, and begins overemphasizing his “evil” side. There’s two purposes to this: one, he finds comfort in the character he portrays, and two, he wants to take credit for being the mastermind to get back at them for doing this. This is part of his goal to sabotage the killing game, even though he hates it. He later confesses that he despises hurting people. More on this later.

Lastly, considering how fragile Kokichi’s mental state is compared to the other 15 students, we could possibly say that he isn’t in the right mind and operating under full mental control, but this doesn’t erase that what he did *was* wrong, even if he had good intentions.

The Fifth Trial

This is where Kokichi’s character really begins to shine. Once Maki poisons both Kokichi and also accidentally Kaito, Maki rushes an antidote to Kaito, and taking on his villain role, drinks the only antidote available, but he only pretends to drink it. This shows two things. One, he wishes to end the killing game by tricking monobear (by taking away his surveillance and creating an unsolvable case), and two, that he values the lives of others more than he values his own life. He’s far more interested in Maki surviving than himself, and no matter what, Maki and Kokichi, Kaito and Kokichi, or Maki and Kaito were going to die. By choosing to lose his own life, he picks the best utilitarian option based on his distorted view of his self-worth. Maki is not scarred (or dead) by killing Kaito, and Kaito doesn’t die by Maki’s hands, and gets to die on his own terms, since he didn’t have much time to live anyways. On the verge of death, where Kokichi no longer gains anything by lying, Kokichi explains his true feelings about how fun the killing game was. I’ll just post the log here so it speaks for itself.

Kokichi had the same idea in the fifth trial that Shuichi had in the 6th: sabotage the game by forcing monobear+the mastermind in a position where they forsake the integrity of the game and can no longer run it faithfully.

Further Points About Kokichi’s True Nature

This is the last section, because it is 3:30am and I’ve been typing this too long. Most of this is not revealed until after the fifth trial, when you see his ultimate lab.

All of his lab is full of cheaply made toys, with his “evil organization name” showing above his dorky throne. DICE is the name of his ragtag group of 10 misfit friends who replaced his family when they died, and by “evil acts” they were actually committing pranks and petty non-violent crimes, as evidence in his motive video.

Every aspect of his costume is to take on the role or fiction of someone genuinely evil, but based on his interactions with others, his actions regarding his life’s worth, and his view of the killing game, Kokichi is anything but evil.

Don’t get me wrong, Kokichi’s done some fucked up things. This is not a “Kokichi Did Nothing Wrong,” post, but this post is an effort to show that the fictional character Kokichi has character traits and a personality that is worth enjoying. He is quite literally, a delicate boy who cares more for romance and games than anything, and shows this even during times of crisis in order to give himself the will to survive, and is willing to martyr himself either in giving up his life or being the target of everyone’s hatred in order for other people to be happy. 

[lavila27]

Richonne “Say Yes” Review by Lauren Avila

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS SPOILERS TO TWD'S 7.12 "SAY YES"..... AND IT'S ALSO YVETTE NICOLE BROWN'S NOTEBOOK LONG!

I'm the queen of the world! Woo-hoo! I feel like I'm flying at the front of the most magnificent ship on television. Rick and Michonne Grimes are honestly one of the strongest, healthiest, and inspiring couples I've ever seen in any media form. I know it sounds cliche, and they are anything but cliche, but they complete each other. It's remarkable really because independently they are already capable warriors who don't NEED anyone but that's essentially what makes this pair so amazing. Rick and Michonne on their own are survivors, but together they are an unstoppable force. This episode really was a beautiful tribute to each character but a undeniable display of their impressive teamwork. I loved this episode so much I can hardly express why. It was the little things that made me the happiest. I truly appreciate the hardwork that goes into The Walking Dead. The whole cast, crew, writers, and producers are in a caliber quite different from any other tv show out there. It's such a gift to be able to pick up on new things each time you see an episode. As some fans might have noticed. There was a lot more to the episode than just what was at the surface, as often there is in any episode. Okay, so let's dive in. There were parts of the episode that I was swooning over as a fangirl but other parts that I found I was completely fascinated by as a regular viewer. I found there was a lot of symbolism and signs going on especially regarding callbacks to other episodes and possible foreshadowing to the future. Let's first discuss all the callbacks. As a whole, I feel like this episode sort of embodied their journey so far, individually and together. If you look enough into it (as a fangirl), you might even say this was like going down an AISLE of memory lane. ;)

There were Claimed references like Michonne's past, staying put in one safe place for awhile, scavenging, and Michonne's love of cheese. Sitting around a campfire and "You okay?" was an A reference. Even saying "Clear" very distinctly during their dinner felt like a throwback moment. Going after the deer didn't actually make me think of a few episodes prior like they talk about, but rather Carl. He went after the deer just before being shot. Obviously we've now learned that Grimes boys and deers aren't a safe combination. However, I've now heard people talk about a deer being a symbol of fertility... and Rick owes Michonne a deer? Hmm. Time will tell on that one. The roof caving has happened before in Season 4 when Michonne comes back from going after a past villain, the Governor. It's also in that episode that Rick wants her "to stay awhile" just like in this episode. I could go into a lot more detail about the parallels between "Say Yes" and "30 Days Without an Accident" but it might have to be another post. Let's just keep it at: characters struggling with inner demons, establishing a new life for Carl, fighting for a chance, etc. While I'm on the subject of the prison though, I felt like the whole carnival setting was reminiscent of that with the walkers roaming inside gated areas and taking down barriers. I'm sure if you look deep enough you will find all sorts of little things, but the final callback I want to acknowledge is the car from this episode and the tank from the pilot. Rick was once again stuck in a car, surrounded by walkers. Only this time, he didn't have Glenn to navigate him out. :( By the way, I love that Richonne even have chemistry while separated by an entire car backseat.

Speaking of Glenn, I think that Rick's grief over Glenn's death is also a big reason why he doesn't want to lead anymore. Even though Michonne has been encouraging to him with her confidence in his ability to lead, I think he's scared. She has told him before that it's not his fault when people die but I think that every loss is going to weigh on him for a very long time. He can't forgive himself for some things which is why I think it terrifies him to be responsible for anyone. This brings me to the most official unofficial proposal/marriage on tv. It seems that Rick only truly believes in himself because of Michonne's faith in him. He says later "You led me here." That's why he will only consider leading with her beside him. These are the facts as far as I'm concerned: Rick asked her if she would be willing to lead a life with him. She said yeah. They sealed it with a kiss. They are married, folks. They are Chilli and Mac&Cheese together.

Shoutout to @siancore for noticing something I noticed too. I wondered if I was reaching a bit far with it but I guess I'm not totally fangirl crazy because someone else hears it too. They sound different when talking to each other. I'm so in love with this acting decision! I assume that Andy and Danai do this purposely, that is. They have a soft, playfulness in their voices that they really only use with Carl and that's about it. It's like you can hear them letting their emotional guard down. I heard it A LOT in this episode. Whether it was during their comedic relief, their lovey-dovey giddiness, or even in their vulnerable heart-to-hearts. The only time I heard Rick sound like the Rick we're used to was when he was talking about the upcoming war. It was the natural and serious protector coming out in him. I could talk about their subtle voice changes throughout the episode in an entire post like their old-married couple tones, their smitten teenager tones, and their warrior lover tones but I'll leave it at that for now. You get what I'm saying though. The flirting... the love... the softness... it was all on point!!

Let's talk about Michonne's post-traumatic stress. First of all, I wonder if this abandoned school reminded Michonne of the camp she lost Andre to. The way she immediately identified the place as somewhere something serious has happened. It seem to not settle well with her. I also found it interesting how fast she went back to that dark place that Rick and Carl pulled her out of. When she thought Rick was lost to walkers, like Andre, she emptied right before our eyes. She became the shadowy creature she once was because her whole world collapsed in that moment. Yes, she's a strong woman, but Rick gives her life meaning. Without him, she would be lost. She later says, "I can't lose you." We've seen how Rick and Michonne react to extreme grief and trauma, but they both have survived it. Of course, I think that they helped each other find joy and hope again in each other, but they have others who were part of that too. When Rick told her "You can lose me. I can lose you," it surprised me at first. Right away I thought he meant that they were capable of bearing that loss because they've done it before. I thought that he should at least say it more gently like, "Yeah, it would be difficult but we can survive. We're the ones that live." Then I realized, no he's not talking about the ability to lose each other, rather the possibility. He's telling her that it's entirely likely that he can lose her in this war they're about to start and vice versa. He's telling her that there's a chance that they might not come out of this alive but it's still a battle worth fighting because the future is worth fighting for. He wants a life that's worth having for the kids but also for each other. I think it was really important for them to have this talk. I think something that really crushed Rick when it came to Negan was how far he fell. He was basically getting cocky over the world being theirs. This new mentality will probably be a lot more useful to them though. They know what they are fighting for, who they're fighting for, and what they're willing to sacrifice to win. They are both putting the greater good above themselves.

While I'm on the topic of future, let's talk about something a little happier. There seems to be a lot of signs of a potential future pregnancy for Richonne. The baby blanket they found in a drawer, kissing Michonne's belly, and then that whole deer thing that I talked about earlier. Based on Michonne's mood swings from devastation to joy and her growing hunger for those ready-to-eat meals, I might even guess she's already expecting. In all seriousness, I think it's a very real possibility that we'll see a little Richonne baby one day.

That leads me to my fangirl list of episode highlights: - I loved that in a series where the characters rarely get to smile, this episode was nothing but smiles and laughs! Their joy brought me joy. I had a big smile on my face the whole night. - Their epic embrace when Michonne knew Rick was alive and ok. It was emotional and so real. They held each other so tight like they were literally each other's whole world. - Rick's negotiation to keep the cat. I'm thinking that this was the line that Nicotero had in mind as the funniest line of the season. It's hard to figure out because there were a lot of good ones but the idea that Ricky-Dicky Grimes (who has ripped out throats, dissected walkers, survived herds, murdered Terminites and Negan's crew in cold-blood, and has beast-mode against anything to live) is negotiating with a dumpster diva for a cat statue is hilarious. - All their physical contact: kissing, hand-holding, hugging, other stuff ;) - All their non-physical contact: watching/staring at each other - Favorite lines: (also contenders for funniest line)   "We found the only way in, so..."   "It's Chilli and Mac & Cheese... Together. C'mon."   "This is about doing it quiet, with the sword... You can handle 8."   "You got your 8 walkers. I can push."   "Or we could just go." "You wanna go?" "Nah, we can do this." "Yeah, I know we can."

One more thing I want to touch on before wrapping up. Did you guys notice them kissing each other's hands/wrists? Personally I've got a thing for character's holding hands. I sometimes think it's even more sexy than kissing. So them kissing each other like that already had me fangirling but then I thought about the symbolism. Had it been their left hands, I would've freaked out and said that it was a metaphor for them exchanging rings. It would've furthered my argument that they are married now. However it was their right, dominant hands. These are their stronger hands that they rely on to do everything and to survive by. They are each other's right-hand people. "And having one of those is important." Without them you would be left, to an extent, helpless in this world. They are each other's strength. Think about that for a minute...

[Update: Upon further review, I noticed it is actually Michonne’s left hand. Therefore both metaphors apply. Carry on.]

Even though I think I could discuss this episode until the season ends, I've already gone on for awhile. As a proud Richonner, I give this episode a 5 star rating and highly recommend it for constant rewatch. I really enjoyed the Talking Dead episode too! I loved YNB and Denise Huth’s commentary! Congrats to Jill & Brandan on winning the Ultimate Fan Search! I'll post again some day about how I met Brandan and his mom at the S7 premiere in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Until then, that's all I have for you.

Sidenote: I really enjoyed Tara and Judith's scene. I'm a fan of both characters so this scene was really cute to me.

[icantlose]

The very concept of a “good idea” is objective; just because you don’t think something is a good idea does not mean it is a bad idea. Fans have different perspectives and these are usually based on different life experiences. But frankly, multiple members of the community don’t believe that your ideas are very good: particularly the one of yours where you infantize Krystal. It’s fuckin’ gross and creepy and minimizes the character more than the fandom already does.

People are judgmental of you because it is natural human defense mechanism. You have come out of nowhere to criticize people and their ideas based off of canon story, which you have violently rejected on multiple occasions. You have a long history of attacking people unfairly for writing fiction based within the margins of established Star Fox canon. Of course people are going to be judgmental of you, because you’re the villain in this situation: they did not ask for your opinion and you never fail to deliver your opinion in a very rude, insulting and frankly non-constructive manner. You get what you give, Jacob. 

Nobody cares that you don’t like Krystal being on Star Wolf.

You’re not being called out for “simply” disliking something. You’re being called out for all the hateful messages you keep sending multiple people across multiple platforms. Don’t mix things up, sweetheart. 

Acting like a martyr, acting like you are the only one who has ever suffered through hardship is the fastest way to alienate yourself. People don’t want to befriend someone who weaponizes their hardships in the way that you do. It makes you come across as very hard to approach, very judgmental--there’s that word again--and like no matter what, the person trying to get to know you can’t win because you, yourself, are going though “absolute HELL.” 

Speaking of going through “absolute HELL”, so are many of us in this community but I’ve yet to see you reach out and actually give a shit.

You have not been trying to “play nice”. You’ve been trying to duck under the radar and avoid accountability. There is a major difference.

If something as simple as the idea of a video game you’re not forced to play pisses you off, it’s time to get off the computer, bud.

I’ve referred to you as a “white knight” because you’re coming to the defense of a character that nobody hates here in this particular community. In fact, in recent years Krystal has been widely celebrated and widely adored ESPECIALLY with the unofficial release of Dinosaur Planet. You’ve created a problem there isn’t one; any idea that you disagree with regarding Krystal and her character has been met with an onslaught of HATE MESSAGES from YOU, JACOB. You’ve expressed extreme reactions to multiple attempts across several platforms by several different people to give Krystal a dynamic character and award more than Nintendo has given her: Nintendo themselves has admitted to wanting to use her as a sex-symbol and you’ve done nothing but kick and scream any time someone presents her as less than perfect in your ideal. That is not fair. 

Nobody here has depicted her in a negative light and it’s very sad and very insulting of you to suggest that her being a part of Star Wolf, a squadron of anti-heroes (anti-hero: n. a central character in a story, movie, or drama who lacks conventional heroic attributes but whom cannot be identified as a villain) is somehow a negative depiction.

No one considers that Krystal isn’t the only character that you think of when you think of Star Fox because you’ve shown us that it she is the only character you think of UNLESS you are confronted with the fact that you don’t think of anyone else except Krystal. You told @blackarwing​ that you have a “crush” on every female character in the Star Fox roster. That is extremely discomforting and hard to take seriously because this is an extreme opinion was only admitted once you were confronted with the fact that you only seem to be obsessed with Krystal. You NEVER talk about Fox, or James, even; you have never expressed opinions of Slippy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mention talk of Peppy or Pepper or Beltino. You FREQUENTLY villainize Wolf even though in-game he has proven he’s not a bad guy, you shit on Panther and you have attacked Leon. But we sure do know how you feel about fuckin’ Krystal.

You’re not sorry.

Just as most of us have both suspected and claimed, it is clear that you do not understand what “I’m sorry” actually means. If you were actually sorry, you would express actual sorrow towards your actions and you would purposefully make a point to stop acting the way that you have that has upset several different communities, but you have not. 

While I’m at it, you apologized to me and I said I hope you’ll do better, you responded with “I hope so too”. That is the perfect indication that you were unwilling to actually try to improve yourself. You weren’t sorry, you’re just looking to get all the pressure from the groups of people you’ve pissed off off of your back. Not only is that the perfect indication that you’re not willing to improve, but it is also the best possible example of you, Jacob, and your shitty character. You “hope” that you will do better. Instead of actually putting the work in to improving yourself. You do not “hope” that you will do better, you just fuckin’ DO BETTER. It’s not a gamble when YOU are the person behind the goddamn wheel! Wake. Up.

You cannot blame “stress” for how you are acting the way that you are online. We all have “stress”. The majority of us are older than you and have bills to pay, you don’t see us using that as an excuse online to shit all over people we disagree with. I’m not talking at you because I’m stressed, I’m talking at you because you’re a young person that needs to understand that this is not how someone communicates to other creative content creators. This is not okay. You’re being really fuckin’ shitty.

Whatever you are going through in the real world, it is absolutely unfair to bring that forward and take your “stress” out on the people who have nothing to do with your “stress” online. That is extremely selfish, destructive and fuckin’ mean. Blaming stress for the bullshit you’ve been providing us since fuckin’ March is NOT an excuse for an adult to make. If you’re referring to ‘stress’ online, then I know I’m victim-blaming, but you brought this on your fuckin’ self, dude. You’ve been causing nothing but “stress” on everyone else since you arrived your garbage and yet you’re the only one lashing out at people and citing “stress” as the culprit.

If it’s driving you nuts then do something to change it. 

If your dog is that sick, being on the internet whining about a fictional blue fox, is the absolute fucking LAST thing you should be doing.  

I’m glad you’re trying to treat his cancer as best you can. But that still doesn’t excuse the environment you’re providing for the poor thing. If he’s that sick, he ABSOLUTELY. SHOULD. NOT. be in that dirty of an environment, what the fuck is wrong with you!?  Actually. Don’t answer. I don’t want to see you come up with a shitty excuse for this one either.

This was posted while I was typing this response.

If you wanted to be my friend, you WOULD NOT lay into me for the shit we disagree with. the idea behind making friends is focusing on what you have in common with others. You would put effort into getting to know people. You’re not trying to befriend me; you’re trying to prove how much “better” of a Star Fox fan you are than I am because I see things differently than you, (y’know, despite the fact that I’m much older than you, have been playing the games longer than you, but here I go fuckin’ gatekeeping). I guarantee you, you don’t know how old I am, what my favorite color is, what Star Fox game I prefer, what my opinion of Krystal is, or hell, what my real name is: all you have ever cared about is how I’ve presented Krystal to a space you have invited yourself into. Don’t try to twist things, buddy.

Don’t you ever. Ever. E V E R. try and suicide-bait me ever again, do you understand me? it’s disgusting that you would ever even fuckin’ try that shit. There are people in this platform that SERIOULSY struggle with suicide, that are struggling to find the strength to go on, to face the entire day for real; it is a constant battle and you’re just making light to make me feel bad for pointing out your shitty behavior is incredibly outrageous and infuriating. The fucking fact that you would try and use that as a fuckin means to get the upper-hand in this conversation is absolutely, positively fuckin’ disgusting, and outrageous. I mean how dare you? How. Dare. You? Fuck. You. NEVER do that again. You are an absolute insult to those who actually struggle with depression and self-esteem. The fact that you would actually try this shit as a means to get me to back off over something this fuckin’ trivial is absolutely disgusting. DISGUSTING. You’ve made things absolutely fuckin’ worse. 

This is not a game. I’m demanding accountability and I’m making sure that every single person is aware of what you just tried to pull with me. Newcomer24 just pulled the suicide card over Krystal bein’ acknowledged as a Star Wolf team member.

Suicide threats are not a joke, they are not a weapon. You’re crossing a major line over FUCKIN’ KRYSTAL. How. Fucking. Dare. You. Over the course of an hour, you’ve made yourself look a hundred times worse. Stop trying to save your skin. Of course you meant to send those messages; you wanted to get back at someone that upset you and you chose the most toxic, most vile most evil way to respond. You wanted to hang your life over my head. You wanted to put your blood on my hands. 

You are talking to a suicide attempt survivor. Any amount of respect you still had with me, you’ve absolutely lost. 

All.  Over.  Krystal.

[niallloverontheloose]

“Derek Hale’s not a victim of sexual assault! It’s someone who recognized that Scott McBadCall out thought Gerard Argent and saved them all!”

https://princeescaluswords.tumblr.com/post/189937266120/stiles-derek-and-sterek-fandom-want-it-both-ways#notes @russianspacegeckosexparty: Stiles, Derek and Sterek fandom want it both ways in regards to Master Plan. Scott is a vicious abuser for making Derek bite Gerard and Stiles wouldn't condone it. But also, Scott is too dumb to come up with that plan and it was really all Stiles who formulated it Claude PEW Frollo: The essential problem for Sterek stans (and, honestly any Hale stans) with Master Plan is that it put the nails in the coffin of their idea that, ultimately, Teen Wolf would be about Derek, Peter, and Stiles, with Scott serving, at the most, as a point-of-view character or a stand-in for the audience. When Scott said “You may be an alpha, but you’re not mine” that was not what they were expecting at all. When Stiles pledged his loyalty to Scott and not Derek – in fact, he didn’t mention Derek at all in Master Plan – it was incomprehensible. In their need to reassert control over a narrative that was never what they thought it was, they needed to delegitimize the present one, because if they could do that, then they had a basis for claiming to fix it. So Derek’s comeuppance for lying, withholding information, abusing the Bite, and refusing to trust anyone gets turned into an echo of his sexual assault at the hands of Kate. Stiles pledge of loyalty to Scott gets turned into Stiles being deceived by Scott because he didn’t tell him about his fail safe. And they’ve been trying to reframe the episode ever since. But they can’t, because that task requires them to ignore entire episodes in order to reach the conclusions they want. It requires them to hold completely inconsistent beliefs at the same time. It’s why they claim that Scott planned for Derek to Bite Gerard, when all Scott did was recognize that it was Gerard’s plan for Derek to Bite him and that he would use Scott to do it. That Scott’s plan was to neutralize the advantage that Gerard would get from the Bite. Scott didn’t even know that Gerard was going to be at the warehouse, so how could that be his plan? GERARD: Well done to the last, Scott. Like the concerned friend you are, you brought Jackson to Derek to save him. You just didn’t realize you were also bringing Derek to me. It’s why they try to transform it into some form of sexual assault of Derek, when it isn’t. Derek could see that Gerard had Jackson’s claws at Allison’s throat. He tried to convince Scott not to do it because he knew that any promise of safety from Gerard was a lie. Which is why, afterward, Derek wasnt angry. From the script: Only Scott watches unblinking, knowing and expecting the effect. Derek peers at him with a mixture of shock and most surprisingly, respect. DEREK: Why didn’t you tell me? That’s not a victim of sexual assault. It’s someone who recognized that Scott out thought Gerard and saved them all. Which is consistent with his behavior in Tattoo and Chaos Rising, where he is more mad at Lydia and Allison than Scott. (And spare me the armchair diagnoses of Stockholm Syndrome. Seriously?) Stiles didn’t mention the Master Plan because he didn’t care. Why do they think that Stiles would be outraged at it? He’s the one who tried to get Allison to shoot Derek in the head that same season. He’s defended Lydia and Allison to Derek in Chaos Rising. The outrage of the viewers at that scene is the outrage of people who love Derek Hale because he’s a hot white man. These people choose to ignore the lies Derek told, the physical pain he put people in when he was angry, the way he involved three innocent children in his battle the moment after he stated that the Argents were “Declaring War!” They claim he held the Bite as a sacred gift, but then forgot that he Bit Jackson, yeeted him into a lake, hoped it would kill him, and then abandoned Jackson when it looked like that was exactly what it was doing. (I love so much when Derek Stans go on about “Derek’s just trying to keep Scott from revealing werewolves to the world by making him stop playing lacrosse!” and then completely forget that Derek didn’t give a fuck about revealing werewolves to the world when he believed Jackson had started to reject the Bite. Did he think that Jackson wouldn’t eventually go to the hospital? Tell the doctors what started it?) Derek was an antagonist in Season 1 and one of the villains in Season 2. He got his comeuppance at the reluctant hands of Scott and he was rejected by Scott as Alpha (and Stiles never once considered being in the Hale pack with psycho Uncle Peter) because he was a violent liar whose first resort was killing. But there was a significant portion of the fandom who didn’t pay attention to how Derek hurt people and used people, or if they did, they didn’t care, and assumed that any story would be about him. They would have been much better served watching reruns of Damon Salvatore on The Vampire Diaries. ~•~ “Stiles pledged his loyalty to Scott and not Derek” “Stiles never once considered being in the Hale pack with psycho Uncle Peter“ *CANON FOOTAGE NOT FOUND* you said it yourself that Stiles outright rejects Scott, Scott’s nonexistent authority/moral superiority, and whatever self-righteous, hypocritical holier than thou bullshit Scott stands for in canon @princeescaluswords Not to mention that Stiles has always defended the Hales, referred to Derek Hale as a real Alpha (implying that Scott’s a fake one) and openly called Scott out for lying to him about smelling Derek on Laura’s claw marks, for manufacturing evidence, and for framing Derek for murder just to play lacrosse in the actual show. So yeah: it is glaringly obvious that Stiles never once considered Scott as his alpha and would rather be in the Hale Pack than in Scott’s “Derek’s comeuppance for lying, withholding information, abusing the Bite, and refusing to trust anyone gets turned into an echo of his sexual assault at the hands of Kate. Stiles pledge of loyalty to Scott gets turned into Stiles being deceived by Scott because he didn’t tell him about his fail safe” are you saying that Scott McCall betraying Derek Hale and violating Derek Hale’s boundaries, bodily autonomy and consent in Season 2 was not abuse because Derek was asking for it? That’s rape culture and victim blaming 101 at its vilest @princeescaluswords And again, Stiles literally NEVER pledged his loyalty to Scott, Pew. That’s just your own wishful thinking. Talking about ignoring/trying to reframe entire episodes in order to reach the conclusions you want, huh, delusionals? “It’s why they claim that Scott planned for Derek to Bite Gerard, when all Scott did was recognize that it was Gerard’s plan for Derek to Bite him and that he would use Scott to do it. That Scott’s plan was to neutralize the advantage that Gerard would get from the Bite. Scott didn’t even know that Gerard was going to be at the warehouse, so how could that be his plan?” First you swear up and down that Scott is a super secret mega genius and strategist who single handedly out thought Gerard and came up with a brilliant master plan to save them all, and now you admit that Scott didn’t have any plan and that he didn’t even know that Gerard was going to be at the warehouse? Lmfao make up your mind @princeescaluswords You can’t have it both ways “It’s why non Scott/Posey fans try to transform it into some form of sexual assault of Derek, when it isn’t. Derek could see that Gerard had Jackson’s claws at Allison’s throat. He tried to convince Scott not to do it because he knew that any promise of safety from Gerard was a lie. Which is why Derek wasnt angry” What Scott did to Derek in Master Plan IS abuse and sexual assault @princeescaluswords Why do you think Derek explicitly told Scott NOT to do it? The fact that the Teen Wolf writers chose not to let Derek express his feelings and beat the living crap out of Scott for being an abusive piece of trash only proves that Scott McCall was never held accountable for all the shitty, amoral things he has said and done throughout the whole series due to a blatant plot armor. “That’s not a victim of sexual assault. It’s someone who recognized that Scott out thought Gerard and saved them all. Which is consistent with his behavior in Tattoo and Chaos Rising, where he is more mad at Lydia and Allison than Scott” No, that’s just shitty, inconsistent writing. It makes 0 sense for Derek to be angry at Allison and Lydia for something that wasn’t even their fault but not at Scott, who actively tried to rob Erica, Boyd and Isaac of their agency and consent and who conspired with a terminally ill geriatric psychopath to violate him. I mean, we know Lydia was being possessed by Peter and that Allison was being manipulated by both Scott and Gerard. What’s Scott’s excuse, antis? “Stiles didn’t mention the Master Plan because he didn’t care” Stiles didn’t mention Scott’s so-called master plan because he didn’t know about Scott’s so-called master @princeescaluswords In fact, the production explicitly shows AND tells us that Scott conspired with the likes of Gerard behind everyone’s back and that the only ones who knew about Scott McCall’s Shitty Excuse of A Plan That Achieved Nothing were Alan Deaton and Scott McCall himself. Scott knew that his plan was dumb and just plain vile and that both Stiles and Lydia would have been absolutely disgusted by it (and by him), that’s why Scott didn’t tell anyone about it. Stiles is the one who defended the Hales and called Scott out for throwing Derek under the bus in School Night after all. Which is also why Stiles was shown excusing Allison and Lydia’s actions but not Scott’s repugnant ones in Chaos Rising “Stiles never once considered being in the Hale pack with psycho Uncle Peter” LOL! Who are you trying to reassure here, Claude Frollo, Scott or yourself? Look, we get it. You think that Stiles belongs to Scott and you are extremely bothered by the possibility of Stiles choosing Peter Hale/Derek Hale over your precious fave Trump alpha Scott (that why you so pressed over Steter & Sterek, isn’t that right, Pew?) Such a pity Stiles is his own person and neither Peter nor Stiles gives an utter shit about what you or your below-average fictional stand-in Scoot think though ;-) “Derek was an antagonist in Season 1 and one of the villains in Season 2. He got his comeuppance at the reluctant hands of Scott and he was rejected by Scott as Alpha because he was a violent liar whose first resort was killing” Scott McCall is a violent liar and abuser whose first resort is killing too, Pew (friendly reminder that actively plotting with Boyd and Erica’s murderer to assassinate Josh and Tracy and replacing a terminally ill old man’s medications for cancer with mountain ash is premeditated murder) He also recruits children to fight his battles and sacrifices innocent victims (ie: Tierney and Jiang) to save his own cowardly ass, so I guess that Scott got his comeuppance when Theo Raeken murdered him in cold blood in Season 5A and no one even bothered to give a single fuck about it, right? Canon Scott McCall is just a useless cut price villain with delusions of grandeur after all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ‘Poetic justice’ indeed @princeescaluswords

[severalbakuras]

why did i stay up until past 1am randomly putting rp-style profiles together for my followers.

long-ish post.

note: i used amazing follower tweaks in order to get myself some non-standard followers. some are mods as well.

current followers

farkas. ex-werewolf but he’s happy to call himself part of DB’s pack - she trusts him with protecting her wife and the kids after all. he’s the one in charge of the house when DB is away. he’s not the most confident in himself but he’s improving day by day and the faith and trust DB has in him inspires him to exceed her expectations.

from-deepest-fathoms. DB couldn’t leave a marsh-friend all alone on the docks at riften and invited her to stay. she doesn’t do much fighting and keeps to herself still but she has a knack for keeping the baby dragons who share their massive home in line and acts like an aunt to DB’s kids, especially her eldest son geel’jar. she suffers from night-terrors from time to time, though perhaps someone with experience in calming nightmares will become her friend soon enough... (if i can ever get around to telling vaermina to fuck off lol) 

geel’jar. DB’s oldest son, adopted after he showed up in riften convinced they were biologically related. they aren’t but she was happy to call him hers anyway. currently taking lessons on how to fire his bow from inigo. he takes his status as eldest son of the Dovahkiin Very Seriously and often imitates farkas whenever a situation occurs. scared of skeevers. 

inigo. he insists that he knows DB from a long time ago but she doesn’t really remember him - or what he claims he did. his guilty conscience keeps him from living at her home but she still keeps a bed spare, just in case. maybe they’ll get to the bottom of what really happened someday.

melka. a hagraven who DB assisted while adventuring in markath. she was driven from her tower by stormcloaks and decided to see if she could track down that lovely kind morsel who helped her. once everyone had calmed down following her sudden teleportation inside the main hall, she settled in a deep cave near the main house. she’s content to make her spells in peace so long as DB keeps her well stocked with odds and ends and eyeballs. oddly enough she’s managed to become good friends with ondolemar.

aranea. being abandoned by her god is something DB finds incredibly #relateable with her steadily fading connection to the hist, and if someone says they don’t know what to do with the rest of their life in the middle of a raging blizzard on top of a mountain she sure as all hell isn’t leaving them there.

serana. former immortal “pureblood” vampire princess, now a normal woman living in a house full of baby dragons and children whose hobbies include knife fights in the yard and a ragtag bunch of misfits. she wouldn’t trade it for the world. has become bffs with borgakh - they bonded over their mutual distaste for getting into relationships.

ondolemar. DB needed someone on the inside to stay one step ahead of the thalmor regardless of the result of the civil war, and she might as well save time by going to the top, right? he was surprisingly easy to secure although the answer to ‘do you want to be behind the dragon cavalry or facing it’ probably wasn’t hard for him to figure out. (going from ‘literal villain’ to ‘the tsunnest of tsunderes’ via the power of love is character development right???).

borgakh. DB stole her away in the middle of the night after hearing her woes, leaving enough gold to pay her dowry four times over behind in her bed. granted tho borgakh didn’t exactly turn DB away when she fell through the window and asked if she wanted to see the world. she’s v. happy with her new home being so centrally placed in skyrim bc she can get to almost anywhere in the entire province without much issue. she v. rarely spends the night at the main house and often bunks at DB’s various cottages and houses across the province instead, sometimes taking serana with her.

soon to be followers and followers in name only

gelebor. if DB got her way she’d have welcomed one of the last snow elves of tamriel into her home the moment she first saw him, but he has a duty to fulfill. he knows he has a family out there waiting for him in the wilds of whiterun should he decide he’s had enough, at least. maybe he’d visit on special occasions.

meeko. it v. quickly became apparent that while DB brought the sad old stray home, he was her wife’s dog and would prefer to chew pig snouts by the fire rather than fight trolls out in the mists again. he follows shahvee around all day and likes to drag his fur blankets around so he can sleep under DB’s desk. A Good Dog. 

erandur. i literally just need to do this questline lol it’s been in my journal for W E E K S. hopefully he’ll be able to soothe fathoms during one of her episodes, or at least instruct the others on how to deal with them. is the priest at ondolemar and farkas’ wedding once i actually develop their relationship lol*

verulus. ‘oh my god you saved me from a cannibal cult, how the hell can i repay you for this I KNOW MY ETERNAL SERVITUDE’

alduin, the small and terrible. arkay decides to give the world eater a chance to learn the lessons of paarthurnax, and returns him to life that he might assist his former general in redeeming his kind, or at least treat the death of this world and the birth of the next with appropriate gravitas. he’s still just as angry and noisy as he was before he’s just really small and cute now. he settles down, eventually. yes.

paarthurnax. thanks to a mod that spares his life and tells the blades to fuck off (seriously fuck off blades) paarthurnax became DB’s follower instead. he remains at the throat of the world, telling all the dragons of tamriel to stop being dicks for one goddamn second and that maybe there’s other things they could be doing besides terrorizing humans.

*so ‘my home is your home’ did Something to their AI. even when they had plenty of beds to choose from, ondolemar and farkas always chose to share a bed. i didn’t even set them as being in the same room as each other. also ondolemar frequently plays a lute for his idle animation, and farkas is almost always the only person who sits and listens. so naturally i ship the hell out of it and ondolemar Renounces His Evil Ways By The Power Of Love and forges a special amulet of akatosh that opens up to form a hidden amulet of talos that he can wear.

yes he turns his back on his entire government and religious beliefs and potential godhood depending on who you talk to for the man he loves. what of it.