#this pne ran away with me

[aizawaondrugs]

Okay, it's a really popular trope that Danny gets rid of Jason's pit madness by cleansing the nasty ecto in him BUT!

Neverborn babies are created by two ghosts mixing their ecto together. (or maybe this is just fanon? idk, it's a crossover anyway🙌)

So I raise y'all:

Jason isn't contaminated by the pits and his ecto isn't nasty because of them. He's just really fucking traumatized and the Pit Rage part of him is literally his fucked up emotional state marinating in his ecto. There's actually no Pit Rage, he's just super fucking emotional and super fucking traumatized and mentally unstable, though he's working on that.

Danny? Poor, Danny "I want to help!" Fenton? Should've taken him to Frostbite but managed to mix his ecto into Jason's to try and cleanse the "contamination" out of it instead. Like an idiot.

Jason? He's... ghost pregnant and weirdly okay with it. He likes kids, there are no actual pregnancy symptoms to fuck up his mood. He's actually much happier now that he has something to look forward to! Frostbite said that taking care of his mental and emotional health will take care of the Pit Rage so that's also covered. Danny is sleeping on his couch. He has his own place but Jason thinks he deserves to sleep on the couch and he can and will enforce it.

Danny? Total and utter panic. He's a dad! Again if Ellie counts! What the fuck he doesn't know anything about kids or normal people things! Will the kid be full ghost because he had unknowing ghost sex with the hot revenant? Or maybe a halfa because they're both at least half alive? Is there a precedent for this?! Clockwork? CLOCKWORK HELP HIM!

Jazz? Sooooooo angry at her stupid fucking little brother. Of all the irresponsible, dumb shit he could've done this wasn't something she ever imagined! He truly outdone himself. All he needed to do was take the revenant to the Far Frozen to be treated! And what did Danny do? HE KNOCKED HIM UP! For someone so smart her little brother truly is fucking stupid!

Ellie? She's very excited! Danny and her might've mutually agreed to be cousins/siblings but that didn't mean he wasn't a better father to her than Vlad. It never was a high bar to clear but still. Baby sibling!

The Fentons? Oblivious. But when they find out? Ancients help them all.

The rest of the batfam? Also oblivious but something just isn't right with Jason. They will find out what. And when they do? Complete and utter chaos. Alfred is mildly disappointed, Bruce shut down because grandbaby and the rest are menaces. Duke is offering his services as superpowered babysitter for the superpowered baby lol

Frostbite? Shaking his head. He knew the Great One was impulsive in his youth, never really having time to truly think through his actions in those early days but he thought Danny grew out of it. Apparently, he didn't. Volunteered to be Jason's primary doctor.

(Vlad? In ghost prison lol)

[songmingisthighs]

Wanbelyn

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

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ch. xvii - 2 seconds

neurosurgeon!hongjoong × reader

buy me coffee ?

where love and peace is held, i never expected for this to happen. i planned and i planned, i expected, and i hoped, but it was never you. you held what i wanted hostage to make room for you, the thing that i needed but has no means of acceptance. deny me, live your best life.

You don't know why you were so nervous to meet Hongjoong again. It wasn't like you fear him. Maybe it was the prospect of getting a new job that make you feel rather nauseated.

Even as you bring your mug to your lips you felt your hands trembling slightly, a sight that made Yeonjun sigh in pity.

Each time the door of Yeonjun's cafe open, you couldn't help but snap your head towarda it, expecting to see the dad and son duo. It happened around 7 times before you saw a familiar boy running and colliding against the door, pressing his face harshly in hopes to open the door but alas his entire body weight was not enough to budge the door. Within seconds, his dad showed up, slightly dishevelled and out of breath and you easily figured Kijoong had slipped away and ran to the cafe by himself.

Once the door opened, Kijoong dashed to you and without you even welcoming him, he climbed up on your lap. "Kijoong!" Hongjoong called out exasperatedly which sadly fell deaf on Kijoong's ears as he squeezed your cheeks together, "HI!" he yelled at your face before giggling and (stranggling) hugging you with his arms tightly. "I'm so sorry," Hongjoong sheepishly apologized and tried to pull Kijoong away only for Kijoong to bite his arm, causing Hongjoong to yelp. "Kijoong!" You gasped, pulling the boy off of you momentarily much to his displeasure, whining and trying to latch on you once again. "You don't bite your dad! You don't do that to anyone!" You scolded, eyebrows furrowing with a finger pointed at the boy.

Hearing you scold him, Kijoong's cartoon puppy ears droop down and his eyes grew round and shiny. Hongjoong was ready to swoop in and tell his son that it was all good, he wasn't hurt, but the sight of you on a stare-off with his son was astonishing. For a while, neither one of you looked like you were going to give up but of course, Kijoong gave up first. He begrudgingly turn to his dad and pouted, "Sorry daddy," then he looked up at you with his bottom lip jutted out. The moment your serious expression melt away however, Kijoong's lips turned upside down and his posture straightened. "Good job, buddy!" You raised a hand for him to high-five which he did (hard).

It took you a while but you soon realized that Hongjoong was watching the two of you and once you came to it, you blushed and ducked your head down, "I- I'm sorry, I should 't have scolded Kijoong like that, I-" "No, please," Hongjoong chuckled, waving you off, "I'm glad I could see a preview of how you and Kijoong would be like."

At the mention of your employment, you sat straighter and you visibly squared. "Speaking of, I need to tell you how I'm concerned how this job is relevant to my career trajectory," you stated, looking serious as Kijoong settled with playing with your hand. "Well, I told you that Kijoong has PNES and so I need someone with medical training who are ready to handle the situation if he has an episode. Currently we're trying to kick start his behavioural therapy but his emotional state is too unstable so a certain level of nursing SOP is needed. Not only that, I need someone who's used to a doctor's schedule," he explained, trying so hard to focus and not comment on how you seemed unbothered when Kijoong began using your hand as a toy, splaying your palm on his face and shaking it off before replanting it. "I'm glad you explained, but I'm still hesitant so I would like to discuss this 3 months probation thing," "Oh, yeah, that. Well, considering how Kijoong is with his previous nannies, I expect he'll do something to run you off within the first two days but seeing as how he seem to like you and how desperate I am, I'm willing to give you provisions that can help you go back to nursing which includes me actually helping you finding jobs until you get recruited. But that will only happen after the three month mark." "Why three month?" "Because it's his school holiday soon and within three months, he'll be busy with school so I can just go back to my previous schedule," he shrugged.

You were hesitant in the beginning and honestly you were still kind of unsure. But you were glad how candid Hongjoong was being about his son and you know because you had asked Wooyoung to tell you about him beforehand. Not to mention the bags under his eyes and how his posture is slightly hunched.

A hand tapped your cheek and you looked down to see Kijoong grinning up at you. "Thirsty, please," he stated which surprised Hongjoong (yet again) because of how polite he was being. "You wanna order something, buddy?" You asked and he nodded enthusiastically. Hongjoong reached over and made a motion to grab Kijoong, "Here, I can take him to the cashier and help him get something," he offered but you shook your head, "I have no problem taking him. That's what you want me to do anyways, right?" You grinned at him before letting Kijoong down and taking his hand to walk him to Yeonjun who was manning the cashier.

Carefully, Hongjoong watched over how you interact with Kijoong. He noticed how you never initiated anything and would instead offer Kijoong options on how he wanted to proceed. For example, Kijoong couldn't see the menu hung on the back that well and you made a point to let him know that there was a menu on the counter by pointing at it and name some items. Knowing that, Kijoong tapped your leg and asked to be raised up so he could see better. It was the little things that you did that made Kijoong felt like he has control and Hongjoong never realized how big of an impact it has on how his son behaves.

For a moment, Hongjoong even indulged in the fantasy of whether or not Kijoong's mother would've treated Kijoong as such and how different Kijoong would've been had she not left them too soon.

Of course, those thoughts were erased once you walked back to the table. Hongjoong's somber expression replaced with a smile when his son excitedly told him that he got himself juice and his dad an iced americano. Though it was a flash, you couldn't help but notice the shift but decided to not bring it up out of politeness.

When you settled back down to your seat, Kijoong as about to climb on your lap again, making it severely obvious to Hongjoong how much he likes and trusts you as he had never done this to someone he had only known for less than a month. It took Mingi half a year for the boy to warm up to him and maybe that was because Mingi was seeing him on a clinical setting.

Your conversation had been cut at a rather hanging manner, there were unsurety from both parties; will this help you with your employment issue? Will this help Hongjoong with his son? Will this be a mistake? It was a bit of a risk for both you and Hongjoong considering the way you both knew each other.

So imagine Hongjoong's surprise when you sighed and leaned on the table with crossed arms. "Okay, so tell me what you can offer salary-wise and benefit." When Hongjoong look at you with eyes widened to the size of saucers, you couldn't help bur find it adorable how Kijoong resembled him so much but you masked that facination with a roll of an eye. "Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna try this job for three months but you better hold up your end, are we clear?" You thrusted your hand forward for him to shake which he gladly grab and shook firmly.

"Okay," Hongjoong cleared his throat, "Let's talk responsibilities."

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@yungilia

[huggybug]

hard sometimes - elias pettersson

word count: 2.4k words

series masterlist

“But I've been on the road

I've been missing home

See it on my phone that the world back there

Keep spinning 'round without me”

“Say hi to daddy!” You hold the phone up in Grace’s face so that Elias can see her through facetime.

“Daddy! When are you home?” Grace whined, finally sitting still for once. She was always more antsy and difficult when Elias was away, a true daddy’s girl through and through.

“Soon Gracie, I promise” Elias forced a smile. It had become increasingly difficult for Elias to leave on his road trips. When it was just you two, it was rough but nothing you couldn’t handle. The two week trips felt like an eternity but that just made it better for when he came home. When Grace was a baby, it was harder but you had enough support that it wasn’t like he was leaving you alone to fend for yourself with an infant. Now that Grace was a toddler and she was aware enough to know when he had been gone for a while.

“I miss you daddy” She said quietly and Elias’s eyes started to get a little misty.

“Okay Gracie why don’t you go play for a sec while I talk to your dad” The little girl hopped up and ran out of the room once you promised to let her say goodbye before you hung up.

“How was her dance class?” He asked after a moment of silence. Grace had her first ballet class earlier today and Elias was absolutely crushed that he wasn’t there to drop her off with you. It may seem silly or insignificant but Elias wanted to be there for her and you knew how much it killed him that he happened to be in New York today. You and Sophia Hughes made sure to send your husbands plenty of pictures of Grace and Ella who looked absolutely adorable in their matching tutus.

“It was alright. The girls got distracted and started chasing each other around for a bit. Soph and I were running after them like madwomen” Elias chuckled a bit at the thought of you chasing your daughter around a room full of toddler ballerinas.

“I saw you went out with all the kids?” You were always posting on instagram, as were the other girls did whenever you all went out if the guys were on a trip. The other day, all the WAGs got together and took the kids to a light show that was being held at the PNE and you posted a ton of pictures from that night.

“Yeah we all wanted to meet and catch up since we haven’t seen some in a while” Some of the girls stay home from games and even events to be with their kids so it had been months since everyone had gotten together. Elias fell silent and you looked at him through your phone screen; he looked tired, worn down from all the games and travelling and surely missing home after being gone for almost two weeks.

“Are you okay E?” His eyes snap back into focus and he nods quickly.

“Yeah just miss you that’s all. I should get going, have to leave soon” You bit your lip before nodding. There was no use trying to get it out of him. You didn’t want to make him upset, especially right before a game.

“Alright let me go get Grace so she can say goodbye” You hunted down your daughter who was happily playing in her room. She said a quick bye, waving over her shoulder before turning back to her dolls.

“I love you, good luck tonight”

“Thank you my love. I’ll call tomorrow” With that, he’s gone.

“Cause I feel like I'm not there

Cause my head is up somewhere

Far away from all my friends

I just want that back again”

Luckily, the boys had a month long break from travelling after their last road trip. The first few days were spent with family before a night out at the bar was planned.

“You good babe?” You lean into Elias’ body in the booth next to you. He’s had a spaced out look in his eyes all night and you tried to brush it off, blaming it on him being tired or something.

“Hm?” Elias looks down at you, eyes searching your face.

“Are you feeling alright?” He nods before turning back to the beer in his hand. You sigh, not wanting to be a pest but you were concerned for him. “Do you want to go?”

“No it’s fine, we just got here” Elias smiled softly and squeezed your thigh which eased your nerves a little.

“Okay, just let me know when you want to go? Totally up to you tonight E” You smile at him before turning to talk to Bri and Holly.

Being home was good for Elias, at least that’s what he kept telling himself. He loved spending time with you and Grace but lately it’s felt different. His heart and mind have been heavy with worries and he knew they weren’t fair. It also wasn’t fair to burden you with it all so keeping it inside was his only option.

He’s taken time to himself over the past couple weeks, trying to sort through the thoughts that ran through his mind everyday. The guilt of leaving his family behind was starting to eat him alive. No matter how many times you would reassure him, he felt guilty. He hated packing up and leaving for days at a time, he hated missing the special moments with Gracie, and he especially hated how it was affecting him.

Physically, he was fine. His game was at an all time high, he was scoring in almost every game and there was a lot of positive buzz surrounding him. Emotionally, he was in another world. Conversations went in one ear and out the other, he couldn’t stay focused on his teammates or even on phone calls with his family.

He missed the days where he would lay around the house, playing dress up with Grace or helping you make dinner. The simple days when things seemed perfect and he didn’t have a single worry in his head. After months of agony, he was ready to get back to those days. He didn’t want to feel like this anymore, he needed to snap out of it.

“But when I come off cold

I'm not doing it on purpose

You caught me in a hole

That I dig for myself when I'm nervous”

The game was shit. The Canucks lost to the Bruins 5-1 and to make matters worse, it was at home. You trudged down to the tunnels with Grace in tow, silence entrapping the WAGs after the devastating loss. You waited for Elias as all the other girls met up with their husbands. He took longer than usual to come out and when he did, his expression was stony and when he only placed a kiss on your head, you knew it was going to be a quiet ride home.

You walked in silence to the car, you knew it was bad when he didn’t even reach to take Grace out of your arms. “Do you want to pick up food on the way home?” You ask softly once you’re driving out of the underground parking.

“No” Elias grumbles out and you sigh at his tone.

“Okay I can order some food then? We don’t really have stuff at home” You didn’t know why you were so focused on getting him dinner but that seemed to be all you could think about right now.

“Fuck Y/n! Enough about dinner!” Elias snapped and you jolted in your seat. He never snapped like this, he was level headed and never let the games get to his like this no matter what.

“I- I’m sorry” You felt like an idiot. He was upset and here you were asking what kind of pizza he wanted. It was ridiculous, really.

“No don’t apologize. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled” Elias’ voice softened and he was back to his normal self. Well, back to his new normal: oddly tense and spacey all the time.

“Talk to me E. I know there’s something going on with you and we don’t need to get into it right now but I need you to open up to me. I love you so much and it hurts to see you like this babe” You’ve given him as much space as you possibly could but this has been going on long enough. He doesn’t say anything, just reaches for your hand and squeezes it tight. The soft look on his face is enough to assure you he understands and that this hopefully isn’t going to be a problem for much longer.

“I don't feel like myself and

I can't help being selfish

Sometimes the pressure gets the best of me”

The morning after the game was brutal. Elias kept to himself and you were left to watch Grace. She would flit between the two of you throughout the day but you never bothered Elias. He was working through some things and he knew you were there for whenever he was ready, now all you could do was wait.

You two danced around each other all day, leaving the room if the other entered or just simply sharing the space in silence. You weren’t angry with one another, there wasn’t any hostility in the air, it was just… quiet.

It wasn’t about you or your relationship. This was entirely about Elias and while you don’t necessarily know what was going on with him, it didn’t matter. He was hurting and you were ready to do anything you could to help him.

“Babe?” You were shocked when he finally broke the silence. It had taken all day, you were just climbing into bed when he spoke up.

“Yeah?”

“Are you mad at me?” His voice was timid, almost scared to hear your answer.

“Never, E” It was a simple response. Honestly, you don’t think you have it in you to be mad at him. You were undeniably, irrevocably in love with Elias Pettersson and you had been basically since the day you met him.

“I’m sorry I’m being so selfish”

“Baby, right now you’re allowed to be as selfish as you’d like okay? I’m okay with waiting until you’re ready. Don’t you ever think I’m angry with you over something like this” Your voice was soft. There wasn’t any sarcasm or malice behind it, you cared for him and you just wanted him to feel safe again.

“How did I ever get so lucky to have you?” You hummed in response when he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. It was enough for you both to gain the security in order to fall asleep that night.

“Oh I

Try to be happy but it's hard sometimes

But life just seems to happen right before my eyes”

“I think I need to take a break” Your eyes shoot up to Elias, he’s standing in the doorway of your bedroom and you don’t know where to start.

“A break? from us?”

“What? No! Baby no, I love you” He rushes over and sits on the bed next to you. A sigh of relief leaves your body. “I think I should take a couple weeks off of hockey”

“E…” You weren’t sure. Hockey has always been a priority for not only him but you. Ever since the beginning of your relationship, you were very open about how his career had to come before you or else you were done. He appreciated it and it was what let you have such a healthy relationship.

“No listen. I’ve been trying to fix whatever is wrong with me and I think I need to be home with you and Gracie for a bit” Elias rubbed a hand up and down your leg, trying anything he could to persuade you.

“Do you really think that’s the best idea?” You weren’t going to argue if that’s really what he wanted. It was his career and his life after all.

“All I know is that I feel empty when I’m gone. I hate leaving you and I know I can’t stay home forever but I can’t stand being away right now my love” When you see the tears in his eyes, you spring forward, crashing into his chest.

“You, Mr Elias Pettersson are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You left home and moved across the world at the age that I was barely ready to start cooking myself breakfast. I’m basically convinced you can do anything and Gracie looks at you like you’re Superman. I will completely support you in anything you do and you know that but I honestly don’t think this is the best choice” You always tried to be as transparent as possible with Elias which he appreciated unless you were yelling at him for not cleaning up his dirty dishes.

“What should I do?” He looked so young in your arms. His glassy eyes reminded you of 21 year old Elias who was too timid to speak up most of the time.

“You have to make the decision E” You sighed, hugging him tighter. “I think we can work through this though. If you talk to me a bit more we can figure it out, yeah?”

“I just miss you guys all the time” He had calmed down now and it seemed like his head was a little more level than it was earlier.

“You have the rest of the week off right? Why don’t we try and figure some stuff out and then if nothing changes, you can talk to your coaches before the game on Monday” Elias agreed, grateful that you were the logical thinker that he could always rely on.

You spent the rest of the night cuddling in your bed, Elias going in and out of conversation. He would give an explanation and then take a break. It was a slow process but you had all the time in the world. You were there for him, no matter what. He was and always will be the one for you, nothing could ever change that.

“Cause it’s hard sometimes”

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[eddielammusic]

A Look Back at Summer 2018 and 2019 - The Best Musical Opportunities

The summer of 2018 and 2019 gig-wise were such amazing years. 2020 has been such a challenging time for a lot of us, especially us musicians who miss doing outdoor summer gigs. It didn’t matter if it was the Farmers Market, a medium-sized community festival, or something as big as our Canada Day celebrations...summer time was THE ultimate opportunity to play outside, musically and it brings a different level of excitement. Summer 2018 was a start of that fun era playing outdoor gigs. I played at the Car Free Day festival with Cry of Silence in the West End area of downtown Vancouver. We did a mixture of both our original songs and a handful of familiar rock covers. I remember how hot that day was; at the end of our set, I ran across the street to a local cafe and chugged cold water to hydrate myself (good piece of advice, always bring water with you DURING your performance). That same summer, I recruited my friends Jarrett and Spider as my rhythm section, playing the annual “Fridays at Front” block party in the New Westminster area (probably one of the most fun events hosted by the New Westminster Arts Council). This was when I really started to improve my setlist adding fun rock songs that rarely get covered live in Vancouver. I felt the need to add a bit of edge to my set, and thankfully people responded well to our selection. Fast forward to Summer of 2019, I’ve had a great number of highlights. I formed a unique, collaborative team of Isaac Feng (my guitar player from Cry of Silence) and long-time musician friend Thomas Beckman on viola, playing some Cry of Silence songs and the rest, some acoustic covers. But one part that blew me away during that gig was when Thomas performed an original piece consisting his weapons of choice...his viola and a really incredible pedal to add different effects. Another fun festival I did was playing at the Main Street version of the Car-Free Day festival, hitting the PRIME TIME location of Main and King Edward St (featuring Jarrett Plett on drums and Warren Broc on bass). Our set was highly praised, and I should mention that my last two songs were “Breaking the Law” by Judas Priest and “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister...amazing hair rock classics! But THE best gig I’ve done in 2019 is the annual Dock Dance festival in Bowen Island with The Naturals. We were headlining the evening. It looked like there was over 300 people, though I was told there were actually over 1,000 people. The crowd went insane from start to finish, and I honestly don’t remember when was the last time I truly felt like a rock star like that. Right now as we’re finishing off our Summer of 2020, it’s been quite the adjustment for all of us musicians. We’re always so used to feeding off the energy of the crowd while we gave our best to perform on stage, but this year we have to use our imagination (nothing wrong with that). While I’m making the best of showcasing my music in a different way, I’m brainstorming opportunities for next year, Summer of 2021. Whether it’d be playing with my cover band at PNE, return to Car Free Day festivities or even a backyard party, I’ll be rocking out in full force and make it THE best year ever! In the meantime, follow my social media (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube @eddielammusic) and my website at www.eddielammusic.ca Thank you, and keep playing! Eddie Lam

[shmkxx-blog]

Untitled.

Right, so I need to sort my shit out. I don’t think anybody can live like this. It feels like a million thoughts rushing through my head at the same time. It becomes unbearable and they are all just that; thoughts. I need to break the cycle, before it breaks me.... before it breaks us. It sounds crazy, but for the first time in my life, I have met someone who sees under my mask without taking it off, and yet I am still afraid. I say that I’ve moved on and that I have gotten over everything that I have been through so far in my life, but I’m starting to think that I’m lying to myself. I need to get to the bottom of why it still affects me and why it still has a hold of me. Perhaps I need to start from the very beginning and work my way through my timeline, despite how painful this could be to bring to the surface. I suppose the more that I bottle it, the more the pressure builds, and that’s why I experience these emotional outbursts, so let’s try something new, something completely different.  Growing up, I had a pretty happy childhood, it just took me a long time to remember those types of memories because all I seemed to hold onto were the ones that make me freeze, that make me fearful and scared and unable to trust. My dad had a temper that often got out of control and as hard as it is for me to write this, I was no stranger to physical violence from him. I think he has blocked out that time in his life too, because the dad I had then, is a completely different person to the dad I have now.  My house was constantly filled with screaming, shouting, crying, the sounds of slapping, hitting and hyperventilating.  My parents went through a very unamicable divorce when I was 10 of which I was thrown in the middle. My dad and his family turned very nasty towards me. It’s sickening thinking of everything that they did to me. They criticized the way I looked, would corner me with a hand raised, threatening me. They swore at me. I was told on several occasions that I was a mistake, I was never wanted and that my mum should have got rid. This went on for 4 years, and by the time I turned 14, I was depressed. I started having anxiety attacks at school which would involve frequent visits from paramedics and trips to the hospital because I would lose consciousness. At this point, I cut contact with my dads family including my siblings and suddenly felt very alone and unloved. I think being at a pinnacle point of my life where hormones and emotions were flying around, it was one huge mess. Just as I got rid of my bullying family, I started getting bullied at school, physically, verbally, emotionally, mentally. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and seeing someone I didn’t recognise, like I was in there somewhere but it was so deeply hidden it was barely visible. I remember getting some nail scissors and cutting myself. It wasn’t deep, I knew it wouldn't scar, but I found that physical pain was easier to cope with than the emotional pain I was feeling inside. This bullying went on until I finished sixth form. It was never-ending for another 4 years, despite intervention by my mum and stepdad and also teachers, it carried on, even outside of the school gates. I grew too exhausted to fight it and just pretended it had been sorted.  When I was 18, I went off to university. It was supposed to be such an exciting time for me, I was starting my career as a childrens nurse, something I had wanted to do for a long time. I felt like my life could suddenly take off, but the euphoria was short lived, as the bullying started all over again. Even worse that I lived with them in the same student flat. Every night was spent in floods of tears, I had my belongings defaced and destroyed, the kitchen wall tiles were covered in marker pen, horrible names, mockery, disgusting drawings of me that I would have to clean off. They would bang constantly on my bedroom door chanting at me. Once again I looked in the mirror, and the person staring back was ghosting. Finally after 6 months, I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety and I packed up my belongings, packed up my course, and returned home. I lost a lot of weight, i suddenly became obsessed with my weight and started making myself sick and taking strong laxatives. I started self harming again but this time it was intense and noticeable. I started smoking and drinking heavily. I became somebody that I never thought I could. I got into my first lesbian relationship, and it wasn’t me. I convinced myself that it was, but I wasn’t gay, I just tried to make changes in my life, anything that could bring some happiness where possible. I was searching in all the wrong places for all the wrong things. This girl encouraged my depression, she encouraged my self harm and even spoke about assisted suicide where we would take an overdose together. I became very emotionally disturbed to the point I started having seizures. They were psychological. My brain activity would get too hyper, my anxiety would flare, my heart would race, and I would find myself on the floor fitting.  Then I ran away. Well not exactly, I didn’t just up and leave, I needed a new start. I got myself a new job in Sidmouth, Devon and I moved down here nearer to my grandparents. It was a place I had been holidaying to since I was 6 years old. It was like home. Life seemed to be getting better, days seemed easier to manage. I was sleeping better, eating better, but the problem with running away is that your problems follow you wherever you go, because they’re inside your head. I met David. At first everything was amazing. He was loving, kind, supportive and he gave me the confidence boost I needed. He appeared when everything started going down hill again. I had started getting my seizures again, even whilst at work. Hospital became my home from home. Finally I was diagnosed with PNES (Psychological Non Epileptic Seizures). In short, my body cannot hand certain levels of stress and anxiety, so it shuts down. David was there through it all.  We fell pregnant twice between Aug 2011 and March 2012, both ended in miscarriages which were even more destructive to my mental health. During this time, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that you have to have at least 5 of the following behaviours (I had all): Extreme reactions to feeling abandoned. Unstable relationships with others. Confused feelings about who you are. Being impulsive in ways that could be damaging. For example, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating Regular self-harming, suicidal threats or behaviour. Long lasting feelings of emptiness or being abandoned. Difficulty controlling your anger. For example, losing your temper or getting into fights. Intense, highly changeable moods. Paranoid thoughts when you’re stressed. The way I am isn’t my fault, I was born this way. It just needed some trauma to trigger it. What causes BPD?

‘It is not clear exactly what causes BPD. There are different factors that can lead to someone getting borderline personality disorder (BPD). The main causes seem to be the following’: Traumatic childhood. You might have experienced difficulties in your childhood. This could include neglect or being abandoned by a parent. Or physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Brain problems. You might have slight differences in your brain. Genetics. Some research shows that BPD may be passed on through genes. But there is no clear evidence that there is a gene that causes BPD.

It gave me some clarification in understanding myself and why I was experiencing the emotions I had. I was put on a medication called Quetiapine, which would help with the anxiety and keeping my psychosis under its peak. Not long after I went on it, we fell pregnant again in August 2012. It had been something we both wanted and we were very happy and excited especially when we had, had the 12 week scan to show everything was as normal and it was highly unlikely that I would miscarry. I still had the pain of losing my 2 previous babies, I still do now to some degree. It becomes more manageable.  My pregnancy had a few complications, but overall was a smooth, happy and exciting time. I couldn’t wait to be a mother. The day that Oliver was born, was the best day of my life. After losing two babies, I finally had one that was warm, and crying and suckling against me, and he was all mine. The first few days were an incredible experience. David was a fantastic hands on dad, he would help me with the night feeds, he would watch Oliver so I could get my head down. We were a happy family and then on day 4, my brain switched. I’m not sure what triggered it, but I was suddenly unable to be anywhere near my child. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t do anything for him, I couldn’t even be in the same room as him. I became severely mentally ill. I was sectioned into a psychiatric facility and then moved on to a mum and baby unit. I was self harming and attempting suicide. On discharge, I was put under social services and Oliver was a child in need. I had to work hard for him not to be put into foster care and adopted. This drew a huge wedge between me and David. He was having to look after a newborn baby on his own, and I knew he was bitter. I started group therapy. It didn’t seem to help at first, but after a few sessions, I noticed a difference, I started recognising my triggers, and learning to accept the bad days when they came around. I started being able to bond with Oliver. I started being able to give him a quick cuddle, and then I started to give him a bottle, then change a nappy. They brought in a care worker to work with me and help me with my relationship with Oliver. When Oliver turned 6 months old, I had worked so hard to repair everything that social services closed my case and I became unsupervised and able to be a responsible parent for my own child. It was the best christmas present I could have asked for. As my relationship with Oliver improved, my relationship with David deteriorated. He didn’t want to be involved with either of us. He would rather go out with friends, sleep and game. Yet still, I decided to marry him on 7th June 2014. I immaturely thought that it would make things ok again. At first it did. Our relationship was great, and then as the honeymoon wore off, all of our problems just reared their ugly heads. I started finding conversations to other people about how he didn’t want to be with me anymore, I found emails to other girls, off of craigslist and porn sites wanting to meet up for casual sex no strings attached, I then started finding bags of powder around the bedroom and snorting equipment. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what he was doing, and I felt that I only had myself to blame. I would ask him, and he would fob me off with stupid excuses, often getting verbally abusive with me, which would then cause me to shut down and apologise for my behaviour. Seems crazy really when I knew what he was doing. I was apologising for challenging his infidelity and drug taking. Things became a lot worse between us, the abuse became more frequent as was his sickening behaviour. The abuse became more frequent, it became verbal, emotional and physical, and he started to blackmail me. He would also throw in my face about me being a crap mother who couldn’t even touch her own baby or look at him. Something I was trying to get over. It all came to a head in September 2016 when I returned from America. Oliver was being quite difficult and causing me a lot of stress trying to get to bed. I could tell that David had, had a few drinks and I thought he had probably taken something... he had pushed me and grabbed oliver by the neck of his clothing and started screaming in his face, Oliver started crying and saying he was scared, David then grabbed him and threw him across the bed, his head narrowly missing the wall. All I can hear in my head to this day is ‘daddy no, daddy please don’t, daddy im scared’ over and over. David then thumped him, right on his back and growled to the side of his face like he was an animal. At this point I was in floods of tears, trying to get my child to cuddle him, but David was snarling at me. Then the doorbell went and the neighbour had come round concerned. He saw the look on my face, he had heard oliver’s crying and fear, and he wanted me to leave and get rid of David. So that night, I did, I waited until David was asleep, packed our bags and Oliver and I were greeted by my parents in the car as we snuck out the house. There was no looking back after that. I felt alone, and unloved and deserving of all the pain and suffering because it was all I had ever really knew.  On top of this, my granma who had been my support and my rock, passed away when Oliver was 2 weeks old from an aortic anerysm. It was sudden, and it turned my life into deeper turmoil. 

My biggest fear is it happening all over again, even though this time I know that it won’t. I’m scared of trusting, I’m scared of being loved, because it never usually works out for me, but if I want to be happy, I have to put all of this aside and move on. I can’t keep revisiting this as a setback, otherwise I will never learn to be happy. I can’t keep holding onto what I went through. I can give that advice to other people, but when it comes to taking it myself, I have a hard time digesting that information. The truth is, I CAN be happy now. I have a beautiful relationship with my son, which I was scared wouldn’t happen after our experience. I have a roof over my head, and I provide for both of us. I have the most loving and caring boyfriend a girl could ever ask for. I am so very lucky that he is in my life. I have a loving and supportive family unit who will always be there for me. My relationship with my dad and his family is even fixed. I have a fantastic best friend who is like a brother to me, and we have been there for each other through thick and thin and I know he’s not going anywhere.  Ultimately, I have so much going for me, that some people could only dream of. I need to start accepting and appreciating what I have and stop looking back to what I didn’t. So that’s what I’m going to do, this passage was a way of me getting everything down and off of my chest so that I can move on from all of this. So that it doesn’t have a hold over me, so that I can start to enjoy life and see everything as a learning curve. I wish I wasn’t as sensitive as I am, but I am and I can’t change that, it’s part of my personality, but what I can change is my outlook on everything. I need to be more positive and wake up each day feeling lucky and happy. Ryan says I have nothing to worry about and nothing to fear, so I’m going to start trusting him, and not fearing it, because I love him. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anybody in that way. We have a beautiful connection and I would be an idiot to break that and throw it away, all because of insecurities that are based on past events which I can’t change. I can’t change the past, I can change the now, so that’s what I’m going to do, change the now. Because the now is where I want to be, building a future with Ryan, Lilia and Oliver. That’s all I want. The simple life. Just us. Because having that, makes me the luckiest girl in the world.