#this ones a vent piece and please keep all sympathy out of my inbox or notes

[zozo-01]

"this chain will never end (but i'll fucking try)."

Well... umm... this one's a lot. A bit of a vent piece and I won't lie and say I didn't tear up at some parts. But what better way to cope than me writing? So here we are.

[Shoutout to @taelonsamada and @dominimoonbeam for being scared when I said I thought of some HuxDami angst that made me cry. I promise this one's got a bit more comfort than the IRL version of this story.]

CW: Dealing with an unaccepting parent of the LGBTQ+ child, Damien displaying signs of disordered eating, Sophia is implied to be an immigrant (which makes Dames a second gen immigrant), Both are implied to be POC but can be interpreted otherwise, Zozo dumping onto Damien

click here for the AO3 link!!!

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For a man as disciplined and structured as Damien, there were only a few rules that he keeps near and dear to his heart. Your best is never enough, you can always do better. Even at your worst moments, you must find a way through. Failure is never an option.

(It’s funny, Damien realizes. Any time he would repeat the rules in his head, it was never his voice, but his mother’s. He doesn’t remember when she embedded those ideas into him, or maybe he inherited through her blood.)

His favourite rule, and the one he finds himself going back to the most is ‘out of sight, out of mind’. He often finds himself caught up in the minute details, so it’s imperative for him to remember that if it’s not in his immediate vicinity, he shouldn’t worry much about it. Besides, he likes the line itself.  It’s catchy, it’s simple and can be applied to many situations. And Damien does love it when things are efficient and effective. 

It can be applied to that time he had gotten a subpar grade on an exam. It had been crushing. He spent hours and blood and tears to study, only to fail in the end. His heart had turned into a void, mind leaving his body. Had he eaten anything the night before, it would have been on the floor in front of him. Was this a violent reaction to something as trivial as a bad grade? Maybe. But Damien would not- could not accept failure. So when he fails, his body would rather twist itself inside out than to accept that reality. 

(His mother’s reaction was particularly crushing. She wasn’t mad, just disappointed, and that might have been even worse than any verbal abuse he’s suffered at her hand.) 

Instead of wallowing in his own failures, he swallowed his pain and worked harder. He burned the exam paper, deleted the email. Anything that reminded him of that shitty mark, he destroyed. Now that the monster was gone, he can now focus on the next exam. If his nose wasn’t in a book, frantically scribbling down all the information he needed to absorb, then he was in the field, applying his knowledge to his magic. Making it brighter, hotter, better. 

Even on the days he was grasping on straws, where his fire couldn’t even spark embers, he found something, anything, to keep going. And on days when his setbacks creep back to haunt him, he finds a way to keep it off his mind.

(His mother’s words were a good motivator and reminder. “You are my son, Damien. You do not fail. Do better next time.” Because there was always a next time. There had to be.)

When the second round of grades came around, and the professor congratulated Damien for his improvement, he simply scoffed. “This is nothing to congratulate me for, Professor. This is the bare minimum I expect of myself.” This was his normal, it had to be.

It didn’t matter that Huxley had found Damien passed out on the training fields on more than one occasion. Or that Lasko thought that he was a zombie when the young fire elemental walked into his class. Or that the only reason he ate during those few weeks was because Gavin and Freelancer would force food and water down his throat.

Nothing mattered except his perfection, and forgetting about his own pain had helped with that.

(His mother was satisfied with his academic excellence after his lack of success. Not happy or proud or impressed, just… satisfied. “This is what I expect from you, Damien. Maintain this level from here on out.” From just that, it sounds like Sophia is a horrible woman, not even acknowledging her son’s triumph through pain, but Damien swears that if you heard her say it, you can hear a flicker of pride in her voice. He’ll never know, but the chance that his mother was happy with him is enough to keep pushing on. His mom is not a bad person.)

(She was happy with her son, but she will never tell him.)

His favourite rule had also helped when it came to his mother’s political career. 

As within most families, Damien and Sophia had their ideological differences. Damien had always been a little radical when it came to the discrimination within the empowered world. On the other hand, Sophia thoroughly believed that if she plays by the rules of the systems in place, she’ll be able to do more good than harm. They both had the good of the public in mind, but their methods of achieving their shared dream couldn’t be any more different. 

When it comes to people with such different perspectives, there should have been arguments, maybe some screaming if one or both sides couldn’t convey their points properly. But that never happened in their household. There were tense dinners and words that wanted to be said, only for silence to follow.

For as long as he can remember, Damien and his mother never really talked about disagreements. It had always been Sophia telling Damien something, an order, a fact, a plan or whatever, with such sureness that Damien thought she took her own word for Gospel. Whether he vehemently disagreed with what she said, wanting to pick apart her arguments to prove that she’s wrong, it didn’t matter. Damien would bite his lip and hold his tongue. He nodded in agreement with what his mother said, because he’d rather burn himself alive with his own fire than feel the wrath of his mother’s flames. (And nothing pained him more than the burn of Sophia’s disapproval.) 

That’s where ‘out of sight, out of mind’ had also kicked in. He would bury his mother’s beliefs so deep within his brain, that he would forget they ever existed. Part of it so that he can pretend to be the perfect son that she wanted. (Though Damien doesn’t ever know if he’ll be that. He’s long accepted that he wouldn’t be what she wants.) The other part was to remind himself that while maybe his mother's truths were outdated, they didn’t make her a bad person. That was what she was raised with. (Was beat with.) 

His mom wasn’t a bad person. (Accepting that meant accepting his own pain, something he kept far into the rearview mirror.)

But she made it hard for him to forget that.

“Oh, I don’t mind them, I know many people who belong to that community. I just wish they stopped shoving it down our faces. Don’t you agree, Damien?”

He smiled, a forced, pained smile, but one that was enough to placate his mother. Against his own will, Damien nodded to his mother’s words, not wanting to create a scene in the middle of the ballroom. He couldn’t bring himself to say it, to verbally agree with her. Especially with his own growing feelings.

Shortly after the Inversion (or it may have been the catalyst), Damien had fostered feelings for his best friend. The kind earth elemental that has been nothing caring towards him, even when he didn’t deserve it. At night, he fantasizes about the places he’d take him out to. Or the activities Huxley would have planned for him. Or the feeling of his arms around him, holding him close to his chest. Or the way Huxley’s hands would trail over his body, slipping under his pants to grab his-

He shook his head. He didn’t need to think about Huxley’s hands jerking him off. Though that would be better than being in this stuffy gala with these stuffy clothes.

 (Now that he thinks about it, he wonders how good Huxley would look in a suit and tie… Did it get hotter in here or was it just him?)

There had been days where his love for the man would burst out of his chest, threatening to burn himself alive the same way his flames incinerated anything in its path. And in those moments, Damien wondered if he could go to his mother to talk about it. Maybe she can offer some perspective? Maybe comfort that Damien would make it out of this crush alive, whether that be with or without Huxley.

That comment from Sophia had reminded him why he would never do that. 

Just like he destroyed any remnants of failure so that he wouldn't agonize over it, his mother’s view over those who loved differently firmly fell into that category as well. He tried, really he does, to not think about the snide comments and disproving gaze whenever a rainbow flag had come into view. But Sophia loved to remind him (albeit without meaning too) about her very wrong opinions about the community.

Did she know that everything that she said, that she felt, would also apply to him?

If she knew that Damien was one of the “heathens” that she often finds herself mocking in private, would it change her mind? Would she let go of all of her prejudices that she held so deeply? Accept her son and Huxley for who they were and support them no matter what? 

When he wasn’t confronted head on with Sophia disdain, he can pretend that he’d have the perfect coming out story. He would sit her down at the dinner table, with a home cooked meal that he put his soul into. He was thinking it would be a dish from his mother’s home country. His palms would be sweating and posture tense. He’d be nervous, obviously. He didn’t know what his mother’s reaction would be to his greatest secret. Disgust? Joy? Indifference? He didn’t know and that terrified him.

His mother would ask him if anything happened at school, since that’s the only topic that she could think of that may bring this amount of strife to her son. She’d question if it had been a student or a professor messing with him, offering to use her position as a magistrate to ‘deal’ with the issue.

(Ain’t it funny how a mother will walk through hell for her son without a second thought, but accepting him for who he loves is what she finds difficult?) 

Damien would decline, both the inquisition and the offer. No one was bothering, nor was there any reason for his mother to use her power like that.

Sophia with a puzzled face, would ask what was wrong. It would cause Damien to take a deep breath, opening his mouth and revealing the secret he buried in his soul. 

And she would smile and give him a hug. Because she was his mother and would love him no matter what, accepting him with open arms.

“Son, you never have to hide this part of yourself. I will love you and your partner no matter who they are.”

That was the unconditional love of a mother that he was raised seeing on TV, and even if his mother wasn’t as loving, she would still welcome him into her heart, right?

But deep down, despite the numerous leaps in logic that he took and the truth he buried deep within him, Damien knew what her reaction would be. Why confess a secret if it puts your life in danger? Why confess a secret, only to be met with hatred, or worse, disappointment?

Damien’s heart dropped, the familiar pit returning at the same realization that he made when he was a child. That there would never be a scenario or a universe where Sophia won’t loathe him for being different. It’s a freight train he tries to forget that exists, but forgetting could never truly get rid of it. 

He shook himself out of his thoughts, and with a closed lipped smile, he asked his mother to leave for a breath of fresh air. She allowed it, and Damien sped out of the stuffy room, away from his mother’s intolerance looming over him.

Thankfully, he was far enough away from the main room for his tears to not embarrass himself nor taint his mother’s reputation. Even during moments of weakness, he had his mother’s image to maintain.

His rage flowed through as quickly as the tears dripping from his green eyes. Why on earth, after coming to terms with this sad fact years ago, did it douse his fire when he heard Sophia’s disapproval? Why couldn’t he let go of the childish notion that mother’s love is unconditional because it clearly isn’t? Why couldn’t his mom just love him like she promised to?

He’s had years to come to terms with this.

But it hurts. It fucking hurts and he wants to be held and told that he’s not broken or disgusting for loving who he loves and just feel the warmth of his mother’s hug and-

A ring from his phone brought him back from his spiral, and he looked to see that it was a phone call from Huxley. He answered once he cleared his throat, not wanting to worry his friend with his nonsensical crying.

“Hello?”

“Hey dude! Are you still at your mom’s work gala?”

He winced at the mention of his mother, thankful that the earth elemental couldn’t see his physical reactions. “Yea, but it’s almost over.”

“Awesome! Also, Gavin wanted to ask if you’re still down to go to that drag show this Friday?”

Gavin and his partner invited the rest of them to a drag show done by an old friend of his. Damien accepted of course, wanting to have a good time yes, but also because he’s never been to one. Rarely did Damien feel like he belonged in the room, even within his own family, but perhaps he could at the show, surrounded by friends. 

“Of course I’ll be there.” Damien saw the message from his mom, telling him that they’ll be heading back to their place now. “I got to go, but I’ll talk later.”

“Alright dude, see you soon!”

He said his goodbyes and walked back to the main room, trying to calm his beating heart before Sophia asked what had happened. But at least the dread that filled his body was replaced with excitement and joy.

Maybe, just maybe, Damien will find acceptance, a home, with the new friends he called family.

(Sophia saw her son walking back inside, smiling with a pep in his step. It was an unfamiliar motion from him and she wanted to know what had happened. She kept that question to herself though, knowing that he wouldn’t get an answer. When did the distance between her and Damien get so far that he doesn’t go to her anymore? Where had the days gone when he would tell her everything?)

(Had she done something to make Damien feel unsafe to go to her?)