#this one's probably on me tbh i've been eating like shit in the last few days :/

[daz4i]

they should invent a my stomach that doesn't hurt

[savventeen]

you say the stupidest (sweetest) things

pairing: seungkwan x gn!reader rating: 16+ (for swearing) wc: 4.5k prompt: seungkwan + "things you said at 1am" summary: you say stupid shit on the best of days, so when seungkwan comes over when you're having a bad bout of insomnia, the last thing he expects to hear from you is an accidental love confession warnings: insomnia, mental health issues, dissociation mention tags: fluff, friends to lovers, first kiss, reader is a little unhinged but who isn't tbh, they're also highkey allergic to genuine expressions of love/affection but they're working on it, banter, stimming, wrestling like children to try and work through emotions, reader is some flavor of lgbt+ (they make an "i've never done anything straight in my life" joke), reader's pov is dramatic bc they're dramatic oops a/n: this is for @dokyeomin as a part of my emergency commissions (check out the post here) and this was only supposed to be 1k but it 100% got away from me... i hope you still enjoy the fluff and all of the attached nonsense <3

From: Y/n 🔪 [11:47pm]

yo kwannie if i impulsively decide to go to the 24h convenience store how harshly do u think they'll jusdge me for buying every flavor of gummy candy available *judge i wanna see if i can melt them down into one Ultimate Gummy u know for Science

Seungkwan pauses brushing his teeth and stares down at your messages.

To be fair, it's probably not the strangest thing you've ever texted him. He's known you since your second year of college, after all, so he has about half a decade of experience with all of your various y/n-isms under his belt now.

Which is how he knows to trust his gut when it tells him that this probably isn't your usual brand of nonsense.

He spits the toothpaste into the sink and dials your number. You answer on the second ring.

“Before you say anything,” you start, “I was only half-serious about the gummies thing. Like, it's a fun idea, you know? In theory. But in actuality? I do not want to deal with the mess that it would create. Or the smells. Well, the smells might actually be pretty good depending on—“

“Uh-huh,” he interrupts dryly. “Y/n, when's the last time you slept?”

The beat of silence that follows is enough to confirm his suspicions, and the hesitant “Um” that follows is just the icing on the cake, really.

He sighs. “The fact that you have to think about it says enough.”

“I don’t need to think about it,” you argue petulantly. “I just… don’t wanna tell you.”

“Y/n...” he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Look, I know, I'm sorry.” And you do sound a little bit sorry, at least. “I'm just. Having an episode. Don't worry about it.”

His shoulders droop as the words sink in. “Episodes” are what you've taken to calling your intermittent bouts of serious insomnia.

Generally speaking, you sleep about as well as the average twenty-something with a caffeine addiction. But every few months or so, it's like your brain completely forgets how to shut off and you end up staying awake for 40+ hours straight.

“Well,” he says, putting his toothbrush away and going back to his bedroom. “You know that ship has sailed, right? You know I'm gonna worry about it.”

Your deep sigh crackles over the line. “Yeah, I know.”

“So. Where're we at this time?”

He mentally braces himself. The two of you have done this enough times now that he knows that you know there's no point in trying to lie or beat around the bush.

“Uhhhhhhh, I'll be hitting the 46-hour mark in about 20 minutes.”

“Aish.”

The fact that you can say that so casually makes his heart hurt. He knows that whenever he doesn't get enough sleep, he makes sure everyone knows it and thus babies him accordingly. But you've always been so intent on hiding anything and everything you struggle with. It's taken years for him to bully himself past the walls you keep hidden behind shit-eating grins and an over-willingness to help.

“Okay,” he says, moving to the dresser to grab an extra set of clothes. “I'll be over in an hour.”

“Wait. What?”

“You heard me.” He tosses the clothes onto his bed before going to grab one of his duffle bags, firmly asserting, “You've got an hour to mentally prepare yourself for my arrival.”

“Honey, you've got a big storm comin',” you quote at him without hesitating.

“You sure do,” he assures with a snort. “Better get ready to feel the wrath of my friendship.”

“Why do you have to love so aggressively?”

He rolls his eyes while he throws his clothes into the duffle bag with one hand. “Because it's the only way you'll accept it, idiot.”

“No, it isn't.”

Your pout is so audible through the phone that Seungkwan has to stop and glance at the screen in disbelief.

“Y/n. Y/n L/n. Do not stand there and lie to my face like that.”

“I'm not lying!”

“Not—” He gesticulates wildly with one hand like he's going Can you believe this shit? to an invisible TV audience. “Okay, tell me this: what did you do the last time I sincerely monologued at you about how much you mean to me as a friend, hmm? No bits, no bullshit, just me telling you how much I love you and how amazing you are.”

A beat. “I'll hang up on you, Kwannie, don't test me.”

He barely resists the urge to shove his face into the bedspread and scream. “You're literally proving my point right now!”

“Kwannieeee,” you whine, because you know he's right.

“Also, because I'm never letting you live it down, I will remind you exactly what you did."

You say his name again, but it's muffled, and he assumes it's because you're hiding your face in shame.

“I gave you a sincere, heartfelt speech about how much your friendship has changed my life for the better and made me become a better person—” he ignores your wordless pterodactyl screech, “—and how do you respond? By staring at me like a deer caught in the headlights, slowly raising your arms to give me double finger guns, winking, and then slowly backing out of the room like an awkward mannequin!”

“...”

“Well?” He puts his free hand on his hip. “Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“… I’ve changed a lot since then.”

Seungkwan rolls his eyes before moving to continue packing his overnight bag. “It was literally three months ago.”

“Yeah, and? Doesn't change the fact that I've changed,” you assert.

“Into even more of a nuisance? Yes, you're absolutely right.” He smiles when he hears you scoff playfully.

“Listen here, Boo Seungkwan. You know that well-rested Y/n is ready to throw down with you at a moment's notice. What do you think sleep-deprived, zero-impulse-control Y/n is going to do the second you get to their front door?”

“Stop referring to themself in the third person, hopefully,” he mutters, finally zipping up his bag and heading to the door. “And then after that, they're going to let me bully them into resting.”

“Hmm. The council has heard your proposal, briefly pondered it, and deemed it “unnecessary” on the basis of: they're a bad bitch that can't be stopped by neither time nor physics nor any god of your choosing.”

Seungkwan scoffs as he puts the call on speaker and sits to put on his sneakers. “Well, “the council” can go fuck right off.”

“What if the council would like to fuck right on?”

Pausing in the middle of tying his laces, he blinks down at his phone. “I'm— what?”

“Okay, real talk, what do you think it would mean in this case? Like, would this be like a 'hop on' versus 'hop off' situation? Or more like an 'I'm down for this' versus 'I'm up for this' kinda situation? Because it would have very different outcomes depending.”

Seungkwan decides that this is a debate better left for another time. “I think it means that I'm going to be at your house soon and that if you're not in your pajamas with hot Sleepy Time tea and the series Planet Earth ready to go, there will be consequences.”

“Booooooo, you whore.”

He finishes tying his laces and jabs his finger at the phone. “Consequences, Y/n.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“See you soon, love you, bye.” He hangs up before you can get another word in, but doesn't move from his seated position in the entryway.

Slowly, he takes a deep breath in and lets it out, taking a moment to lean back on his hands while he stares at the back of his front door. Specifically, at the large collage of sticky notes and pictures and doodles that have taken up residence there.

A few of the notes are ones he's gotten from other members of your shared friend group over the years (the one from Chan that reads "if u eat my rice i'll eat ur kneecaps xoxo" hangs proudly in the center, right next to a picture of him sleeping that Seungkwan managed to capture from an extremely unflattering angle). But most of them are from you.

Dumb puns, meme references, bullshit animal facts you made up just to get him to laugh… almost all of them are stupid in that extremely charming way that only you somehow manage to pull off.

But the one he's staring at now is almost completely hidden by other notes and pictures that have been added to the collage. It's a pale blue, the ink starting to fade a bit with time — the first note you ever gave him, back when you two were just people who happened to sit next to each other in an astronomy class.

Even though most of it is hidden, he doesn't need to be able to see all the tiny words you crammed into the small space to already know exactly what it says.

how do u make a space party? u planet :P u looked sad today, hope this makes u feel a little better also if this is 2 forward feel free 2 pretend i don't exist. or punt me in2 the sun idk u'd be doing me a favor tbh

He'd almost skipped class that day because of how bad he'd been feeling, but he'd decided to try and push through. And before that day, neither of you had interacted with more than a polite greeting and the occasional question about the homework.

But then you'd passed him that note, and he'd passed one back that said “that's dumb. but thank you” with a smiley face, and you'd passed another one back that said “do u think lizard people have ever been to space?” and the rest, they say, is history.

Seungkwan shakes his head with a sigh before standing up and grabbing his bag and his keys, striding determinedly out the door. He's got a best friend to take care of.

Seungkwan should be at your place soon, and you're not quite sure what to do in the meantime.

You have your laptop hooked up to the monitor in the living room with Planet Earth queued up, you have the kettle filled with water and ready to go on the stove, and you have mugs and teabags ready on the counter next to it.

The Required Tasks™️ have been completed as much as possible without the arrival of your best friend, and now all that's left to do is wait.

Which, normally, you're not the worst at. You're excellent at entertaining yourself, actually, mostly because there's always something to think about. Whether it be about cute dogs that you've seen over the past week (I wonder if the pomeranian down the street will let me pet him next time), potential plot twists for the new fantasy drama you're a little bit obsessed with (what if Gregothy was cursed the whole time???), or generic ponderings of the human existence as a whole (do souls have the metaphysical equivalent of a fingerprint?), you're pretty much always thinking about something.

Which is totally fine and dandy and cool or whatever when you have the ability to, you know, shut it off. For example, when you need to do something simple and necessary like, oh I don't know, go the fuck to sleep.

You also hate when that manic mental energy somehow translates into kinetic energy as well. It makes you feel like a hamster in a cage, watching yourself running and running and running on that stupid wheel until you exhaust yourself.

Tonight's metaphorical wheel: stimming like wild in the kitchen. Flapping, rocking, (gently) slapping, making weird and fun mouth sounds, the whole shebang.

And again, normally stimming is fun. Stimming is great. But stimming because you feel like if you don't stop moving you're going to literally vibrate out of your skin is, to put it lightly, Not It.

It takes you about ten minutes to work out all of the energy until you no longer feel like your blood was replaced with pop rocks.

With a groan, you lower yourself to the kitchen floor and lay down face first. Because despite how exhausted you feel in every possible way, there's still something like an itch in your conscious, a fucking pea underneath the miles of mattresses that refuse to let you just. Fucking. Sleep.

Your pity party must've lasted longer than you realized (or, more likely, you dissociated for a hot second there) because suddenly someone's knocking at your door at the same time you get a text from Seungkwan.

And you know it's a text from Seungkwan specifically because you got Vernon to help you change your notification settings so that whenever Seungkwan texts you, the "i love you.. bitch" sound clip plays instead of a normal text tone.

For a fraction of a second, you contemplate slowly inching your way to the door like an uncoordinated caterpillar, but you swat the thought aside like you’re swatting a gnat and you awkwardly roll to your feet and make your way to your front door.

Without hesitating, you unlock the door, swinging it open with a flourish and sticking a finger right in Seungkwan's face before he can utter a single syllable, forcing him to cross his eyes.

You open your mouth wide like you're going to say something, pause for a moment, then tap your pointed finger to his nose with a quiet "boop."

He blinks, expression turning deadpan, and sighs. "I should have expected this, honestly."

“Yep!”

You let him into your apartment, and he makes himself right at home, mildly bitching at you as he goes to get the tea ready, and something within you shifts.

The inside of your head is still a bit of a dumpster fire, unfortunately, but inside your chest... something clicks into place that you're not sure that you're ready to name. Whatever it is, though, it's soft and warm and kinda feels like your heart is being hugged.

Smiling to yourself, you follow him into the kitchen.

💤 💤 💤 💤 💤

It was pretty much straight to “business” after that, and it only takes Seungkwan one cup of tea and two episodes listening to David Attenborough's dulcet narrations for him to knock right out, leaning heavily against your shoulder on the couch.

Which means it's now the perfect time to sit there and Admire Your Bro™️.

It's rare to see him so still, you think. He's an active guy, in pretty much every sense of the word, and you always feel a little honored when you get to be witness to his quiet, vulnerable moments like this one.

He looks so serene, face smoothed out and painted in soft twirling shades of blue from the screen of the monitor, though you can't see too much of it from this angle. Mostly you just see his cheeks and stupidly adorable button nose.

And you've seen the same thing a million times before — in all kinds of states and expressions — and despite how much you've tried to ignore it, each and every time you've caught yourself noticing just how cute Seungkwan is, it's caused that thing in your heart to scrunch up, full of the L-word feeling that you've kept unnamed for what feels like forever now.

Except, maybe that thing in your heart is tired of scrunching up. Maybe it's decided that it's tired of forever.

Maybe that thing has finally decided to burrow itself out of the walls you've built up because you find yourself finally allowing yourself to think, Holy shit, I think I'm in love with you.

You don't realize that Seungkwan has completely stilled against you, but you certainly notice when he suddenly throws himself forward so he can turn around and stare at you incredulously. Only he overshoots a little bit and ends up falling off the couch with a squawk and a dramatic flail.

"Oh my god, Kwannie are you okay?!"

He stares at you from where he fell, wide-eyed like you've grown a second head or like the time you'd tried to convince him that birds weren't real and actually just a government conspiracy.

"Am— am I okay? No??"

Now it's your turn to move off of the couch, coming down to his level to see if maybe he hurt himself when he fell. "Fuck, okay, did you hit something? Do you need an icepack?"

Seungkwan being Not Okay is maybe one of the worst things that could ever happen in the entire universe and you're trying not to panic as you reach out to check for injuries.

"No, no, stop—" he bats away at your hands and you stop in your motions, now kneeling in front of him. "I'm not hurt!"

Your brain does the cartoonish screech thing as it comes to a halt, and you furrow your brows. "But.. you just said you're not okay?"

"I'm not!" His eyes are still wide in shock, but he also looks confused and maybe a little bit like he's about to cry?

Oh no. If he cries and it's somehow your fault (because it has to somehow be your fault) you think the world might actually end.

"Okay, uh. I am— confused,” you start, sure you must look as lost as you feel. “But, um, what can I do to help?"

He swallows, and a part of you realizes that he's looking at you with an expression you've never seen before. "Did you mean it?"

Knowing that it's significant but not yet knowing why, you maintain eye contact. "Mean what?"

"What you just said."

You blink. "...that I'm confused?"

He shakes his head. "No, before that."

You have a hard time remembering what you just said when you're not sleep-deprived and worried you've just somehow accidentally caused irreparable emotional damage to your best friend. "Uh... when I asked if you were okay?"

"No, fuck," and it's a shock for some reason, hearing him cuss right now. You hear him say much worse things all the time, but you think it might be the way he said it — with a kind of desperate vulnerability that you're not sure you've ever heard from him before.

That thing in your chest twinges and you think maybe you're the one who's gonna start crying.

He says your name like a plea, and then he's on his knees right in front of where you're kneeling on the floor, reaching forward to cup your face in his palms. "You said— Y/n, you said "holy shit I think I'm in love with you.””

Oh.

You're pretty sure your heart falls right out of your ass and bounces across the rug, judging from the way it comes to a dead stop. You blink at him. Full of new and sinking kind of dread, you whisper, "...I said that out loud?"

He laughs, but it's tinged with incredulity and sounds a little too close to a sob for comfort. "Yes! You did!"

And wait, no, your heart is still stuck in your chest, because you can feel it start pounding against your ribcage in double, triple, quadruple time. He must see the fear in your expression, because suddenly his eyes are narrowed in a determined scowl and he growls, "Oh no you don't."

Then you find yourself going down with a yelp as Seungkwan octopuses himself around you, trapping you within the confines of his surprisingly strong arms and legs as he basically tackles you to the floor.

You try and wiggle away even as you know it's useless, and he grits, "Y/n dammit, answer my question."

"Why were you even awake?” You deflect, getting an arm free and trying to give him a wedgie. “You were supposed to be asleep!"

"I was supposed to be asleep?!” He screeches, easily evading your reach and poking your ribs to get you to reflexively pull back your arm. “You're the one who hasn't slept in literal days! And stop avoiding my question!"

"No!" He has you trapped once again, and you resort to licking his arm.

"Oh my god!"

He muffles his scream into your shoulder, long and frustrated, and then he just... goes limp. He loosens his hold and just lets his full body weight kinda crush the parts of you he's ended up lying on and just... lays there.

This is your chance, you know — to wiggle free and escape and run away from your feelings just like you always have.

But, for some reason, you don't — that scrunched-up thing in your chest holds you back. You stay there, lying beneath Seungkwan on the floor of your living room at one-something in the morning, and the two of you just breathe.

"It's okay, you know," he murmurs after a moment, so quiet you barely hear him over David Attenborough still narrating softly in the background. "If you didn't mean it. It's okay."

Holy shit, I think I'm in love with you.

And you realize how easy it would be to play it off, to blame it on the sleep deprivation, the way you blurted it out like that — to say (to lie) you meant it completely platonically, like the way you propose to Mingyu at least once a month when he cooks you all dinner.

And you also realize, quite shockingly, that despite how a part of you still desperately wants to run away, the larger part of you wants to stay. Doesn't want to run. Doesn't want to lie anymore.

You swallow heavily, briefly close your eyes, and take in a deep breath. "And if I did? Mean it?"

This time, you do notice when Seungkwan goes still. Slowly, he lifts his head so he can look you in the eyes.

When he doesn't say anything, just continues to look at you with an unreadable expression, you try to continue.

"Would you— would that— would it be okay? If I meant it? When I— when I said that I'm in love with you? Is— because um, like you said, it's okay if it's not, and uh—"

Your nervous rambling comes to a stop when he once again cups your face, but it's gentler than before, closer to a caress. The whole time you'd been talking he'd been slowly sitting up, and now he's on his knees next to where you're still lying down on the floor, looking down at you like all the hope in the world is somewhere to be found in your expression.

"Y/n." he says your name like it's something precious, and you feel the absurd urge to burst into tears. "It would be very okay." His thumbs make gentle arcs across your cheeks. "And just to be clear: you mean it in a non-platonic sense, right?” He chews on his lip. “Hopefully, in a very much romantic sense?"

Staring at him staring at you, eyes bright with hope and a little bit of wonder... you can only imagine you must be looking at him the same way. Your chest feels like it's full of helium but also like something warm and gooey is sloshing around in there. And all that hope and wonder and holy shit is this actually happening? is causing your tongue to stick to the roof of your mouth, and all you're able to get past your lips is a breathless, "Hopefully?"

"Oh my god," he groans in frustration, but it's light and airy and makes you think of amusement park rides and fairy lights and how you want to annoy the shit out of this man for the rest of his life, if he'll let you. He's shaking his head, smiling, beaming, and he asks, "Why can you never give me any kind of a straight answer, huh?"

"Because it's my life's purpose to be the bane of your existence until the day we die," you say, reaching up to hold his face too. "Also because I've never done anything straight ever in my life."

And then your body is moving before your brain can think it though, dragging him down until you can press your lips to his and finally, finally know what it's like to kiss Boo Seungkwan.

He makes a little noise of surprise, one that you can feel buzz against your lips before he melts into you. And oh, any thoughts you might have had are forcefully ejected from your brain because all you can focus on are his lips pressed to yours, the way they move slowly, gently, turning this chaste kiss into the most scorching experience of your life. His nose bumps against yours and the heat of his warm breath sends tingles throughout your body, and his hands, fuck, his hands are still holding you gently but also with a firmness that feels like he doesn't want to let you go.

And then he's pulling away, and you whine at him because this may be the cruelest thing he's ever done to you ever in your entire life. "Noooooo, why'd you stop?"

"Because, as much as I'd love to continue to make out with you on your floor while an old British man narrates about life on the Serengeti—” he mercifully ignores the way you choke on your spit at the way he talks about making out with you so nonchalantly "—it's past someone's bedtime."

Your mouth drops open in offended shock. Was he actually going to put you to bed like a child? Like you both hadn't just declared your romantic love for each other? "Are you fucking serious?"

He just stands up and crosses his arms, looking down at you with a single raised eyebrow. You take the part of you that finds it annoyingly attractive and promptly smother it, crossing your own arms from your position on the floor.

"I'm not a baby," you definitely don't pout.

"Hmmm...” And then the bastard fucking pouts at you. “But you're my baby."

You blink at him.

"Welp, that was nice while it lasted,” you grunt, rolling to your feet, “but I suddenly need to relocate to Antarctica and become a penguin herder.”

He pulls you into his arms with a laugh, and you let him, burying your face in the crook of his shoulder.

“You know,” he starts after he's held you for a few moments. “This isn't how I ever imagined how us confessing to each other would go.”

You snort.

“But also,” he continues, “it feels very 'us' doesn't it?”

"Yeah,” you murmur, not bothering to lift your head from his shoulder.

“Mmm, is someone finally sleepy?” he teases, starting to waddle you both towards your bedroom. “Did all the emotions finally wear you out?”

Instead of nodding, you lightly kick him in the shin and the sappy part of your brain that is currently in charge of everything thinks that his indignant squawk is one of your most favorite sounds.

The sappy part of your brain is right, of course, and when you wake up in your bed 15 hours later and accidentally smack him in the face, the urge to run is a little bit smaller than it was before. And the way he flushes bright red after you sleepily kiss him on the cheek is an image you're going to cherish until the day you die.

[beanghostprincess]

when did you start watching the anime (also how/why)

and how many episodes do you watch per day to go that fast??? (im asking because im genuinely impressed)

It's a funny story, I think-

Basically, I was hanging out months ago (like, the start of this year?? End of last year?? I think??) with my brother and his friend at his friend's house and they were like "Oh! What if we watch One Piece? The first episode, cmon, Robin!" and I was like: "Fuck, no. Shit's too long. Not watching all that. I'm sure it's cool and you two love it but I'm sooo not getting into this". But then they wouldn't stop insisting and the show started playing out of nowhere and, like, I just wanted to eat my salad so I guess I just didn't care if they made me watch a few episodes. The salad was really good, btw.

Anyway: I watched the first two episodes and I kind of?? Fell in love?? With everything about it??? Luffy was so charming and early OP is amazingly beautiful in all the ways. I kind of miss the energy, honestly, sometimes. But I loved it. I laughed. And I was like "Oh, okay. This is good. I'm probably not watching the rest because there are a lot of episodes but, like, cool show, guys!"

Spoiler: I did watch the rest.

But I didn't watch more until February. I was on my period and when I'm on my period I get really, really sick and I feel like shit in general. And I wanted to watch something to distract myself from that torture. So I asked my brother where he watched the show in Catalan (here in Spain/Catalonia it's also dubbed in Catalan and let me tell you, it's one of the best dubs I've seen. It's SO good) and I started watching it for real then.

The thing is, I was really, really slow watching the show because I was studying at the time and I could only watch at night sometimes and in between classes or whenever the teacher wasn't in class (or, you know, I just did it without the teachers noticing. The hyperfixation was growing). Besides, I started talking to my brother's friend more and more and more (now he's kind of like my best friend??? What the fuck lmao) and I literally told him every fucking thing that happened so, yeah, I wasn't quick watching the anime at the time. I would've probably caught up by now if it wasn't because I didn't have much time to watch it then.

Then I started Arabasta, and ever since, me and my friend have been watching the show together on Discord (I started watching it in Japanese and subbed, then). We watch the show every single night (except when we're busy, but it doesn't happen often) and we usually watch, like, 6-10 episodes every day. That's the average amount, but we've pulled all-nighters before when we've watched like 20 episodes during the night (we watched Marineford like that and we kind of did that too with WCI).

I think I don't go THAT fast tbh I could watch more every day if it wasn't because I watch the show with him only because it's sort of an 'us' thing. Now I'm on episode 1015, so I guess I'll catch up with the anime soon! Then I'll catch up with the manga and then I'll cry because I'll have to wait for episodes/chapters every week. What a torture.

TL;DR: I started watching in February, because my friend and my brother told me to and I fell in love with the show, and I watch 6-10 episodes every day unless I'm busy or I pull an all-nighter.

Fun fact: I watched the Baratie arc exactly on Sanji's birthday this year. I think he was truly meant to be my favorite character.

Oh, and the only reason I wasn't online commenting on my experience watching it before is because I physically stopped myself from looking for content because I didn't want to get spoiled. When I got to post-time skip, I created this side blog!! So, if you want a lil bit of a timeline: Started watching in February, got to post-timeskip in September when I created this blog (so 516 episodes in kind of half a year) and now I'm on episode 1015 (so 499 episodes in three months). I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not studying anymore and I'm just working 20 hours a week, huh.

[pathos-p]

"Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game" but i got tagged in it so i am gonna answer all of them 'cause theyre fun

questions by @/i-like-eyes

thanks for the tag @king-chook!! ^^

1. Art programs you have but don't use

i thiiink i have a license for clip studio paint that came with my old wacom tablet but i never rly used it. also used to have krita installed for the longest time but just always felt off to me idk why. don't currently have it installed anymore tho

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

to their right is a bit easier i think. not smth i consciously notice, mostly i'm just thinking abt when im doodling on the margins of stuff they usually are looking to the left of the page

3. What ideas come from when you were little

uhhh idk tbh, i dont think much of my art draws from that

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

cityscapes !!! i love cities they r so pretty and cool looking but goddamn theyre so hard to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

80-20? i post everything that i finish. basically the only stuff that doesnt get posted is sketches i give up on

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

hmmmm not that i can think of rn...

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

watercolour !! i've tried it a few times and Struggled but i love seeing ppl's work in it

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

so many animatics ..................... also many comic ideas ..................... i get so many ideas that i just never start on or start and only do a little before losing the hyperfocus/fixation and just Cannot continue them. it sucks

9. What are your file name conventions

usually the character name, maybe a bit of description of what theyre doing... idk not much of a convention to it

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

hmm i like jackets :)

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

yes, usually music. sometimes random youtube videos like stream highlights or video essays.

12. Easiest part of body to draw

uhhh hair? maybe idk. hard question bc it varied a lot depending on what kinda style and just. sometimes smth is hard in a particular drawing then easy later idk

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

i cant think of anything i will edit it in if i think of anyone

14. Any favorite motifs

in my drawings i dont feel like i use any much. mostly i pull motifs from whatever im doing fanart of lol. in music, i like religious motifs (but not like. ones abt christ or bible stories, rather heaven, hell, god/divinity, angels)

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

at home pretty much exclusively. in bed lol

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

idk i feel like the stuff im better at is the stuff i like bc i practice it more for fun lol

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

not usually

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

surprisingly little. mostly bc i do more digital art lol

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

weapons and nature. especially ice for nature

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

i cant think of anything ill add it if i do

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

i love rougher styles, like ones with a lot of visible brushstrokes and bold lines and shit. so cool. idk how to make it look good lol i dont have the confidence in my lines for it

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

none... probably i should change that

23. Do you use different layer modes

yeah, often i use a multiple layer for shading then a variety to colour adjust at the end

24. Do your references include stock images

sometimes

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

cant think of any

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

there was this poem i wrote about capitalism and how shit it is and someone thought it was abt interpersonal relationships/smth along the lines of a breakup. i rly didnt mind it tho i thought it was cool bc the emotion was not far off, the sense of betrayal and abandonment. just a very very different subject

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

no lol

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

i ran a zine (digital only) for the dimension 20 zine jam! and also made art+writing for others in that :D also was part of a polygon yt fanzine a while back

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

spider-man (not the MCU, mostly tasm and a few of the comics)

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

IS IT BAD TO SAY A PIECE THAT GOT QUITE A BIT OF POSITIVE ATTENTION ?? maybe

i rly like the cj comic i did i am genuinely so goddamn happy with the result so . even tho it did very well by the standards for the fandom its for and my current follower base it is underrated

alternatively this one https://www.tumblr.com/pathos-p/704380503765221377/tridential-sovereignty?source=share bc it didnt get all that much attention on any social media site but i think its cool !!

(mostly only using recent ones bc i dont wanna dig back further esp onto my old twt acct, too much work lol)

[eldritchsurveys]

1267.

Is it currently raining where you are? >> It is not, but it will probably start snowing again within the next couple of hours.

What’s something that you have been wanting to say to someone? .

What’s your favorite thing to do at the end of the day? >> Get in my night clothes, get cozy under the blankets, and watch some TikToks or look at my Tumblr dashboard.

When did you last use a lighter or matches? >> I last used a lighter to light incense. Don't remember exactly when that was; sometime in the last 72 hours.

Do you or anyone you know have covid or the flu? >> Not that I'm aware of.

Do you have a hard time letting things go? >> I am prone to rumination, but not so much to holding grudges. Really, the only times I've experienced what might be considered grudge-holding was more just projection -- I was mostly still angry at myself for not protecting myself from whatever the other person did, despite knowing better. What did you last have to eat? >> Apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream. Arnie's gets so much praise but honestly? That was an aggressively mid pie, at best. :V

Are you allergic to anything that is unusual? >> I am not allergic to anything, to my knowledge. When did you last feel fear? >> The last time I had one of my health/death anxiety episodes. What did you last drop? >> I don't remember.

Have you ever been to a Halloween themed amusement park? >> I have not.

What’s something about your health that you would like to change? .

When did you last look in the mirror? >> While I was brushing my teeth. Was checking out my figure in the full-length, lmao.

What color is your favorite shirt? >> Like 98% of my shirts are black, so if I were to have a favourite, the likelihood is very high that it would be black.

What last made you smile? >> Answering the question above the last one, because I was thinking about how actually it was Can Calah who was checking out my figure in the full-length 🤦🏿😂

Have you ever walked through a sunflower field? >> I have not and I desperately need to.

How often do you listen to music? >> At least once a day, I'd say.

Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? What’s your favorite song from her? >> I am not at all a fan of Taylor Swift. Sparrow is the Swiftie in this house, I hear about Eras Tour and shit all the time, but despite having heard at least 20 of her songs at this point (got cornered during a car trip, lol), I still don't get the hype. Glad they're having fun, though.

Would you be happy if you got a lifetime supply of the last thing you purchased? >> We just got groceries, so I don't know which one of those items is "last". A lifetime supply of groceries in general would be fucking incredible, though. What’s something great that has happened to you recently? >> I haven't had anything great happen to me lately. I mean, aside from The Event™, but that's in a class of its own.

How old were you when you had your first best friend? .

Do you believe that anything is infinite? >> I mean, sure, why not. I'm infinite 🖤

What did you last order from a fast food restaurant? >> I think it was a McChicken and a small fry.

How often do you have to purchase shampoo and conditioner? >> Only shampoo and rather infrequently. Perks of having a buzzcut.

What was the last pain you’ve had on your body? >> I pulled a muscle in my back a few days ago because of that stupid foot bath.

Is there anything currently bothering you? >> I'm chillier than I'd like to be. Which will be the daily story of my life from now until May </3 Would you ever paint your bedroom bright blue? >> I would not. A muted or pastel blue, though, sure.

What’s your favorite way to eat rice? >> Oh, man. I just love rice, tbh. But the two ways I eat it the most are in "fried" rice (it's made in the rice cooker but it's the same concept) and coconut rice.

Do you currently have a window open? >> Absolutely not. It's hard enough to keep any sort of warmth in this house during the cold months without opening windows and just letting the cold in. (Trust me, I hate it. I hate not having any sort of air circulation happening in my room or the house at large for half of the year. I am not made for this shit.) What kind of jacket do you like wearing most? >> I don't know, I just wear whatever's available. It's been a long time since I had a coat or jacket I actually actively loved.

Do you own a sherpa blanket? >> I do not. I probably should.

Are you currently wearing something green? >> I am not.

Have you recently lost something? >> I have not.

What’s something that has really impacted your life? .

What scents can you currently smell? >> Nothing I can really pick out.

What did you last have as a snack? >> I guess apple pie is a kind of snack.

Are you currently listening to music? >> I am not.

Would you say you’re a strong person? >> I think that's a fair assessment to make, even if I don't always feel that way. Physically, on the other hand... I think I'm a bit below-average in the physical strength department.

What’s something you miss from the past? >> I miss being Grey. But I also don't, not really. I just have the flawed belief that Grey had things easier than I do.

When did you last rush for something? >> I don't remember. I prefer not to rush for anything.

Do you require a lot of personal space or do you enjoy being around people often? >> I require lots of personal space, which enables me to enjoy the social events I do choose to attend.

Have you drank enough water today? >> Probably not, but that's not something I've ever been able to tackle with any consistency.

Do you like lima beans? >> I don't know, honestly. Just the other day I was thinking about how I never hear about lima beans anymore (I was specifically thinking about it in the context of succotash, which I remember having quite often as a child, but I haven't heard or seen it anywhere in my adult life).

What was the last lie you told? .

What did you last plug into an outlet? >> Probably my laptop charger, which comes unplugged often.

Do you have anything due soon? .

How many bottles do you see from where you’re sitting? >> Like, a lot. I can see my vanity from where I am, and there's quite a few product bottles up there.

What was the last thing you took a picture of? >> That stupid ass turkey trophy I won at Thanksgiving at Sparrow's parents' house, so I could post it in Jack's Discord server.

[tkdunning]

(73)

Long as hell practice session today.

Pride and Joy progressed through the first solo until the last (fairly easy) phrase. Hands are getting better at handling this song. Will be interesting to see what happens when I move up to 11 gauge strings - I'm using 10s right now but detuning them for this song makes them "lighter", so maybe the 11s will feel like 10s in standard tuning.

Saucy feels like full tempo is attainable. I haven't been practicing anything with a metronome in the past few days since I've been mostly focusing on trying to memorize Pride and Joy. The metronome would probably make it easier to memorize tbh.

G.O.A.T. is rusty, but not in the sense that my fingers can't do the motions anymore. I just forget where I am in the song sometimes.

Tried out a couple different picks today just to see. I went back to the one I was using already because it's just better. I did find .96mm to be a really nice thickness compromise for smoother strumming without sacrificing too much control given from heavy picks.

I've been using an ultex sharp 1.14. Really good pick. It has the precision of sharp picks without the downside of sometimes getting caught on strings. The only downside I found when I first started using them was that they would slip when my thumb got sweaty lol, but that hasn't been the case in a very long time. Dunno what happened. Maybe it corrected my picking form to be less slanted or something.

Stood up to practice once my ass got tired today and like... why ever practice sitting down? Playing form just goes to shit, at least for me. My left shoulder gets tired af from the weight of the guitar though. Wonder what it's like to play on a light one...

--

Watched this while eating breakfast; I'm glad I have recording and production knowledge in my back pocket:

[live-love-laugh-lesbian]

HIII this is probably gonna be the last ask i send as your swiftie exchange anon haha! also i dont know what timezone you are but ive scheduled it for 6am gmt for tomorrow if i remember correct skdkekdfk (but also you said quid which means pounds i think so im taking a wild guess that you are somewhat the same timezone as me haha)

yep im in uni! honestly kinda harsh kakdkekxfj ive got tests on the first week back but i suppose that's to ne expected haha! it is quite stressful but like c'est la vie yk? good luck on your exams!!

oh also im so glad youre feeling better!! i hope you feel awesome soon!

oh yeahh that makes complete sense! you dont have to show them to me if you dont want to btw but once i reveal myself and you are okay w it you can dm me! (only if you want tho no pressure at all!!)

yeahh thats so real actually! people always want what they dont have and that makes me kinda sad but also im one of those people so ajdeksjd i cant really say anything abt it akfkekdjf

yeahh hypocrisy is so linked like to everyday stuff!! and what you said makes more sense than what i ever couldve ajdjejsjfn and inflation is HORRIBLE ive witnessed price of stuff like cheese go up by so much and it appals me! and that is a ridiculous difference from your phone bill!

oohh i wish i was you id love to meet my online friends!!

yeah!! like the main problem with fast fashion isnt the cheap quality (i mean perhaps it is) but also the PEOPLEEEE WHO BARELY GET PAIDD!!

thats such a thought out and good answer!! climate change and the way politicians handle shit is so real like it NEEDSS to be addressed!! and i hope you get to see your doctors!!

and same im such a pushover like i wish i could not be but alas it is but a dreamm!! i think for me what you said is basically my answer and like people being assholes and thinking theyre funny? lile people who think its okay to make offensive jokes or say a slur bc they think theyre funny annoys me soo bad!!!!! and also people who manipulate other people like ewwww and just like horrible people in general. also thats horrible!! why does anyone think its okay to do that???

hmm... honestly rename strawberries fluffleberries and making bananas rainbow sounds like an awesome idea sjdjekdn hmm this is hard kakdkdskf maybe i would replace car honks with goose honks hehe i feel like thats such a silly answer but tbf i am but a silly goose!! what about you?

and my question to you: what are some things you are grateful for (see i say things not people bc i feel like people is a very general question ajfjrjdjf but you can tell me people too if you want!!)

thank youu!! i had an awesone time chatting with you you're lovely <3

have an awesome day!!!

-swiftie spring exchange anonnnnn

Hello! My country change timezones slightly I think based on clocks, but I think we're currently BST? I can never remember, a bit embarrassing imo XD It's cool that we might be close in time zones!!

Ah I have no exams cause I'm not in uni, but I am tutoring kids for exams so does that count? XD I hope your tests go well!!

Cheap quality sucks, but it'd improve if companies were willing to give up just a teeny tiny bit of their profits...I've become so increasingly anti company over the last like 5 years I think XD And thank you!! Honestly the "offensive is funny" type is SO annoying. I've met a few that were like "uhhh it's dark humour" and I've been like. You do not have dark humour, you just want to be rude.

I did however get a cookie once from a guy who realised that I had been upset by his stupid joke (I can't remember what exactly it was, but I think it was like...either homophobic or misogynistic. The apology was nice to get because it was unexpected. Alas at the time I was unable to eat gluten so the cookie part was awkward.) And manipulation just sucks?? I feel like people get away with it a lot because it's not obviously awful until you realise what's going on.

Silly answers are encouraged for that one!! (And always tbh) XD And honestly I would get rid of sparkling water. I feel like it's like marmite - people love it or hate it. And I hate sparkling water, I literally cannot handle the texture. And one time I accidentally got some instead of regular water. The memory haunts me. So yeah I'd wind up half the world by getting rid of it altogether and just watch the chaos XD

My final answer (also I know who you are now cause of when I logged on BUT I'm gonna answer this anyways on here) would be my cats (haha not people so they slip through...not things either but not people), the way life has turned out (it's not perfect, but I'm in a much better position than I ever expected even just like 2 years ago), and my art abilities (because I like that I can draw, and draw pretty decently, it's a fun and usually relaxing hobby!)

I had the time of my life answering questions with you, and I look forwards to hopefully talking more with you!!

[purplesurveys]

1780

When was the last time someone admitted to having somewhat of an attraction to you? Few months ago when some dude in Malaysia hit on me and also tried to use this cheesy pickup line which was tbh adorable but I just wasn't looking for anything so I turned him down.

If people hit on you semi-often, what race tends to hit on you the most? Eh that never happens to me.

Have you ever had an experience with ghosts or angels? If you have, explain: No and I don't believe in either anyway, so...

How has the summer been treating you thus far? June was fantastic; I went on back-to-back overseas trips and it was incredibly refreshing to have a month where I spent more time off than at work. The rest of it is an autopilot blur because I spent the rest of it working, lol. I can barely remember what happened in July.

What was the last wedding you went to like? Any pictures you’d like to post? I haven't been to a wedding since my aunt and uncle's in 2007. None of my friends are married, and the people I know who have since gotten married I'm not even close with so I've never gotten invited to theirs.

Was yesterday an exhausting and busy day? It actually was my most exhausting day of the week. It left me so tired I don't even know how I managed to drive home lol, I just wanted to close my eyes and pass out the whole ride.

Have you ever choked on food before? Not on food but on liquids and my own spit in the past, yeah.

Do you ever make awkward eye contact with people at restaurants? I wouldn't call those instances awkward. Sometimes I just meet eyes with strangers and that's all there is to it. I just look away as quick as I can so that they don't think I'm staring.

How often do random numbers call your cell phone? I wanna say 2-3 times a month because we're apparently doing a crap job addressing the whole thing about scammers and them having a hold of literally everyone's numbers.

Can you just go with the flow, or do you like control? I like an overall structure, but it's nice to have a bit of freedom within that structure. That said I definitely am not nearly as anal as I used to be and enjoying going with the flow is probably the biggest change I've undertaken in the last three years.

Is your internet connection slow? It is and it has been SO SHITTY the last 2.5 weeks. Our internet service provider is shit shit shit shit SHIT. I've been going to the office for 2.5 weeks now because I can't stand the slow service lmao; they also keep saying they'll bring someone in to fix whatever the fuck problem is happening but they've been saying that for the last couple of weeks and no one ever comes.

Have you ever unblocked someone that you blocked before? Yep.

Do you like to eat fruit salad? No that sounds like the worst punishment ever.

Can you take naps, or does it make you feel horrible? I can, but I don't. My free time is very rare and I always see sleep as a waste of time, even though I know I shouldn't... but idk, I guess I've always been a "I'll sleep when I'm dead" kind of person.

Do you know anyone who can’t swallow pills? I don't think so! I mean I have my moments where the damn pill just won't go down and the water makes me nauseous already LOL, but for the most part it's not a cause for concern with me.

When was your last uneventful day? That would be last Friday and Saturday – I had a fever then and both days were entirely spent on the couch recovering. I didn't want to risk getting up and doing stuff and possibly making my fever even higher.

Does your ex have a reason to hate you? Yes.

What annoys you the most about people? This is speaking only on the side of Filipino culture but I hate the culture of aggressive bargaining and find it embarrassing. Like the seller you're haggling is making a lot less than you are; if she says a top is 700 just pay the damn 700 lol. I'm FOR SURE in the minority here but I just don't like the idea of pressuring people, especially because I know I would hate it if I'm being forced to lower down prices that I set hahaha.

Don’t you hate how cameras are almost everywhere in public now? I don't find it a problem and it actually makes me feel safer.

Has anyone slapped you across the face before? If so, why? Yeah. Fuck if I know. I haven't talked to him in like five years.

How long have you been on the computer today? I want to say a little over 6 hours.

Did you know that a large fry at McDonald’s contains 500 calories? No but tbh I don't care. I know what I'm signing up for whenever I eat fast food, lol.

Do you find it hard to truly trust people? I trust my friends; it's a question mark for everyone else. I want to remain guarded, especially with how unsafe or sketchy the outside can get.

Do you prefer to have more or less in common with your siginificant other? Less is always more fun, as long as it's the little things – like me liking wrestling and my SO not understanding it one bit. It's a mess waiting to unravel if you have nothing in common with the fundamental items, like religion or wanting to have kids.

Why do you think people care so much about looks? Doesn't it just simply boil down to society and media and what we think society and media tell us to do?

What do you do when there’s a question in a survey that you don’t want to answer? I just delete it altogether or give a noncommittal answer.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a thing with? I did. I'm just calm now.

Have you ever taken a survey so long it bored you? Yes.

How easy was it to get over the person you last dated? 7 months, to my own surprise.

Do you allow people to ask you questions? Sure.

Would you take a shot of heroin for a million dollars? No.

Why don’t you talk to your ex anymore? I don't need to and I don't want to.

[megan-bopo-journey]

Coeliac/depression/anxiety chronicles ;(

It's been an exhausting few weeks, ever since Navin's wedding like over 2 weeks ago I have not had a weekend where there's been some kind of social occasion, and therefore having to be around food I can't eat.

I always want to go into these situations prepared but I've realised I can never actually fully prepare myself when I can't predict what food is going to be available to me. Part of me just wants to assume that there won't be food available and basically never leave my house without packing food, which is a little sad but doable especially if I bring food that is nice. See I don't want to bring just like tuna and rice cakes because that won't be satisfying, I'd much rather bring like a chicken and quinoa salad and a little bliss ball because it's like ~kinda healthy~ but also satisfying. What I've kinda been ending up doing though is compulsively eating prior to an event and being petrified of being hungry and then ending up being at the event where I've been catered for and eating even more to the point of feeling sick because I feel rude refusing food that people have specifically catered for me. But it's just so inconsistent and even if I ask people to cater for me sometimes they get it wrong and then I get frustrated that I have to learn so much about food (when I already overthink food anyway due to my disordered eating history) when they have to ask if rice or potatoes are gluten free because they've actually never had to think about it before!

But back to the point, I don't think I'm brave enough anymore to consider going places without bringing food unless I'm 100% sure that they will have food for me and if they do and I have the emotional energy to ask questions about it and I can eat it then I can still have some moments of being able to enjoy food with people and if I need to throw my salad out it's not the end of the world (because I also feel guilty wasting food). I think the best thing for me is to let go of trying to be 'normal' because I'm not. I can't avoid getting noticed because literally every event with food includes me having to talk about this fucking disease. I feel like I've tried so hard to maintain some sense of normalcy or find ways to blend in so people don't ask about my coeliac or whatever which is probably why I've spent the last 2 years mostly avoiding telling restaurants I'm coeliac because a. It's fucking ridiculous that my body is THAT fucking sensitive to an ingredient that is of course in LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING but b. TBH it's just fucking humiliating having to be fucking accommodated after being so independent for 26 years. and also unless I'm with a friend that knows about this shit already it then starts a conversation of "oH yOU HAve coELIAC? my friend has it but its rEALLY baD!!!" or "that must be sooooooo hard" and then just I'm getting used to the idea I get triggered and realise that yeah....it's really fucking shit. I feel like I only feel at peace when I'm just on my own, making my own food, with no one around me to judge me or remind me how shit my life is. when I'm in a routine with gym and meal prepping and work where I can eat alone most days or even with people I can eat my meal prep and it just looks normal and no one talks about it. I'm grateful there are options and I have a job now where there's rarely surprise meetings with food or fucking birthday cakes and shit and really it suits me so well because I'm going to have to deal with this for rest of my life and it impacts so much of my life and I'm grateful I have some level of control with this part of my life. Ideally working as a complete sole trader would be amazing because unfortunately we still have the fucking group supervision every 2 months where they get food and the retreat thing this Saturday and the Christmas Party but with these I can bring my own food easily, with the retreat thing I have supervision tomorrow so I can ask if she was planning anything and I can give some ideas if she isn't or at least have some predictability about it. I hate that I have to think so much about food all the time (which is been made worse with my body image issues) but I think it's just these challenges that I have that I can try my best to prepare for or prepare for a menty b if it doesn't go to plan -which because as I said I can usually never predict these things is usually what happens. There is Emma's birthday on Saturday night but because I'm doing the river walk with work afterwards and it'll be a tough day being around people all eating food that I probably can't eat I really don't have it in me. The restaurant has GF options but I know I wont have it in me to let them know I'm coeliac and just for the conversation that follows and although they have GF options I always get envy of the other food that people have ordered (which makes me feel gluttonous and guilty because I'm not exactly a string bean I could afford to eat healthier for once in my life-but I'm also a fucking human being who enjoys food that tastes good and wants to enjoy it around other people-god forbid!!). Oh and it's in burwood and after a day of work-just no. Also the last time I went to a Japanese restaurant of course people wanted to share dishes (that's how you do it) but that just not work when you have dietary requirements and instead of just ordering everything GF the fucking idiots were like oh we'll order normal satay chicken (or whatever it was) and I'll order the GF and when they brought it out I ate it thinking it was the GF only for them to be like -

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Short Update

12.03.22//

I'm really sorry that I have been so pants at writing the update that I promised...truth be told, Im finding it hard to know what to say/where to start and my brain is complete mush/fog right now. Not only that but I am also feeling incredibly embarrassed/ashamed of my current situation.

Things were going so well with my degree apprenticeship. I was making great progress at work, getting great feedback and becoming more confident/settled in the role. Uni side was going fine, I wasn't enjoying the study blocks social aspects but the units were interesting and I was enjoying seeing how it could be applied to my every day job.

However underneath/amongst it all, anorexia has been raging and screaming, holding full control of the reins for longer than I care to admit. Looking back, the whole of my last admission (a top up to help me get out of a relapse after the previous admission before I started work) was dictated and controlled by anorexia. (It was also incredibly unhelpful on the ward and the support I got was just....a shambles but that's a whole other story). Upon reflection, I don't think that I have ever been willing enough or strong enough (or 'whatever' enough) to let it go of the eating disorder, it's rules, behaviours etc. And so the cycles have continued to playing out on repeat. I am beyond tired/exhausted/frustrated/lost for words at myself, and so is everyone else tbh. There really is nothing more/new to say anymore. It's just really shit/sad.

I keep on failing and messing up just when there seems to be a little ray of 'hope' (Uni/travelling/work etc) and it's probably down to the illness getting so engrained and stuck and rigid and me never really willing to let it go or move forwards from it....

My therapist felt at a bit of a loss too, we were working well with SCHEMA and made some important progress, however the sessions then got overruled by the need to focus on my physical health as it became the priority. We then somehow started touching on some trauma work and it brought more to the surface than we realised it would...

But yes, I digress, and I forgot that this was meant to be "short"...

Over the past few months things have deteriorated and I was signed off from work 2 months ago as I was unable to make changes whilst working and studying. The hope was I could turn things around after an urgent review and being given a timeline/ultimatum...but no amount of desire to get back to work or study could unlatch the tight grip that anorexia has had on me. Being signed off from work unfortunately also fed right into the depression slump and I've found myself floating and sinking (whilst simultaneously sticking my head in the sand in the attempt to avoid reality) far more/further than I want to admit.

Sadly time was not on my side and my body hasnt been coping so well and so the my team felt I couldn't be left in the community any longer. So after trying to turn down numerous bed offers for SEDUs (because the last place I wanted to end up was on a EDU and genuinely wanting to do it from home), I agreed to be admitted to a completely different unit on Wednesday (9th March). I feel utterly horrendous and like the biggest failure in the world. Work have been beyond amazing/supportive/kind/understanding but my inner self critic is raging louder and louder. It is so hard to describe the paralysis of wanting and knowing so badly what you need and want to do but being utterly frozen to the spot and unable to move.

It is very early days and I am currently trying to find my feet on the ward - Im terrified for what the next few weeks hold as the refeeding process progresses and I don't know how long I am going to be here but I am determined to make this admission different and make it the last one I ever have to have again. The unit seems to be very different to all my past admissions so I am hoping that might help in elements but I know deep down that it has to come from me. And I am sick and tired of these cycles replaying in my life. It's the same old boring noise coming out of anorexia again and again and again. and Im done. I can't keep doing this to myself or my family. Im done.

I feel sad because there was such a huge part of me that wanted (and still does want) to be doing this in the community, I knew what I needed to do and I wanted to be doing it for myself. However right now I am having to accept that I need a little more help and support, which is hard. I am trying to tell myself that there is nothing to be ashamed of but it is so much easier said than done. Anorexia is so fucking complicated and messy. I genuinely don't think there is one cause or thing and it feels so overwhelming when I try to understand all its roots and twists and turns....it's insidious.

It has been controlling my whole entire life, and the lives of the people around me. I have been its puppet. And it's made me feel like I don't know how to live/move without it. Well this has gone on for far too long. Far too long.

So yes, I suppose that is my "short" update for now. I'm sorry.

[ghoulxbaekhyun]

I have a new header now :D and I think these few new dedicated days will mark the beginning of more positivity in this community 🖤

𝓢𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓢𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓭𝓪𝔂: @incubuswooyoung

𝓢𝓾𝓹𝓹𝓸𝓻𝓽 𝓢𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓭𝓪𝔂: @pianist-jihyo @biker-minghao

1. @yourmom-jieun

Ji-chan, I can't stress enough just how much you mean to me. You've always been the heaviest rock in my life, you've helped me through so much and you've always been there for me. My dearest little sister, you're such a strong person. The amount of pain you've gone through was unbelievable, yet you still held on for the sake and happiness of your children and your friends.

You helped and cared for many of us, but I don't think you've ever had equal amounts of love for yourself. I know today will be the day of your departure and I am saddened by that. But if it means you'll be happier, you'll be healthier, you'll be better, then go for it.

Just because the person is gone doesn't mean the memories will be too. I'll always remember you. And you know exactly where to find me 🖤

2. @/spy-jaehyunx ° @time-for-confession

To dearest Admin Kai, I can't thank you enough for always looking out for me. Yoonoh was my first everything. My first kiss, my first crush and my first love. I hope you know that even if you're gone, I'll always remember you.

Just as I've remembered my fallen comrades, my past friends, I'll definitely remember you. Thank you for giving me the love and affection, for the late night talks, that time you said you'd deal with my angsty ass.

Thank you. For being there for me, both you and admin. I'll be here for you anytime, Kai. Don't forget to take care of yourself, yeah? 🖤

3. @m00n-purplerose-chatbot

This is directed to both admin Moon and the boys. To the wonderful, legend of a person Admin Moon! I respect you and your writing skills very very much. You never fail to touch my heart, wether it be a depressing angst scene or an action-packed fight scene or a soft heartfelt scene. You manage to hit me with so many different emotions that I didn't know we're possible. I've known you and the rest for quite some time now, and I'll have you know you're one of my closest friends here.

To the boys, (yes I'm giving them all a paragraph)

Jeonghannie, I hope you keep on staying strong. You've been through a lot, dearest leader. You've suffered plenty and you've seen way too much heartache for the average person. Although it gets tough, I know your past shaped you into the person you are today. And I couldn't be any prouder.

Shuashua, I haven't gotten to know you well enough to say too much, but I want you to know that you still have my support and affection. Take care of Jeonghan like you always do, you both are made for each other. Try not to stress out because of the kids, I know how frustrated and helpless you can feel from their ruthlessness hhh-

Hao, you're the definition of that one best friend that loves exposing and teasing the shit out of you but cares and loves you just as much as they do their bullying. I haven't gotten close to you, just like Shua either, but I'll have you know I'm here for you too. Stay the way you are, sunshine. You've never failed at making me and other people smile.

Wonnie and the gang, you're a tol bean. You're seriously one of the squishiest people ever you know that? I'm glad that you're also staying strong despite the past that you probably have. I haven't gotten to know you better as well, but I'm looking forward to learning more and more about you all! Hope you forgive Seokmin for the argument too :')

Jihoonie, I know we don't really talk, and by don't really talk I mean we barely talk at all. You're the logical person in the team and you do your job very well. You're reserved and cold and mysterious. But I know you're more than that stone face. I'm looking forward to learning more about you too, so take care yeah?

Junnie, we may not talk a lot but I want you to know that I care for you too okay? It may just be a few skirt pics that are simply unforgettable but I want you to know that I'll be your hyung just as much as I'll be a hyung to the others. You and Wonwoo are freaking adorable, so stay cute together okay?

Mingyuuuu, I remember the longest conversation we had was because of the engagement ring mishap kshsjsjsk. You got your ass whooped, and I was worried tbh- but you've probably been through a lot already. I want you to know I'm here for you too okay? So keep staying strong!

Last but not least, dearest Seokminnie. Oh, where do I start with you? I can vaguely recall the first ever interaction we both had, when you and Hao pointed out the fact that yes, I do eat humans. Cannibalism never striked me as a way to start a friendship but hey, it worked~

Over the course of a few weeks we've only gotten closer and closer. I can't help but be protective of you, and just feel like keeping you in my pocket most of the time. I know your past, and you know mine. It may not be alterable but let's keep staying strong together okay?

I know your secrets too, and after what went on in private i think it's time for me to be honest and come clean. I think I'm starting to fall for you too, Seokmin. I've never felt something like this with anyone else before but I like you too.

I won't pressure you into choosing me, it won't be fair for you to face such pressuring. But I want you to know that it's mutual. Even if you're too good for me. But thank you, okay?

Thank you for always staying by my side. 🖤

4. @vampiresanha

Sanha and Aleister, thank you for caring for me. Thank you for all the fun times and showing me how to live life. Thank you for calling me out on my boringness and swooping me away to that cliff. You two are such amazingly people that deserve way more friends and love.

I'll always be ready to donate my blood whenever Sanha needs it, you'll always be my favourite vampire. Aleister will always be my favourite dragon. You two will always be my favourite person with two souls.

Thank you for being here for me, you both. I'll let you know that I'll do the same. 🖤

5. @moonlightchn

Admin, I can't express just how much love I want to shower you in ;-; you're such an amazing person, and i want to thank you for all the affection and care you've given me. I wouldn't mind staying up late to talk to you through asks again, twas fun~

To Channie Chan and Chris, you three are the most chaotic pack of wolves I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Channie you fucking cutie, stay soft and stay loveable okay? You're the sweetest fluff ball ever, I can't handle the uwus you shower me with >-<

Chan, the big scary alpha that I let the chance to dom slip away dumbly, you're a really great person. Taking care of your pack while being so nice to others. I'm here for you anytime yeah?

Finally, the one that I must've wounded. Chris, I'd like to start it off with an apology. I'm sorry that i hurt you after answering about who my favourites were, I really didn't mean to. You're on rut now and I know you'll be all passive aggressive and as long as you are I'm never replying to our DMs but even so. I want you to know just how much I care for you. Because i do.

No matter how much we trash talk each other and no matter how much angst we end up accumulating, I'll still care for you. All three of you.

And that's a promise I'm willing to keep. 🖤

Now, I'm sure there's more people that I need to talk about, more people that have been there for me and helped me through various different things. But for now, I'll end it here. Admin's fingers are starting to hurt from typing all of this at once, but we both have no regrets because these are all the things that we've always wanted to say.

Call it appreciation if you may.

I think I'll do my Support Saturday in a different post, so for now, that's all for Sentimental Saturday.

Thank you, to everyone. Thank you for being here🖤

EXO 🖤: @werewolf-sehun @werewolfkai @j-0ngdae @serialkillerkris @softdomtao @y-ix1ng @captain-kyungsoo @college-baekhyun @serialkillerkris

🖤: @ghoulxjeongyeon @vampiresanha @barista-san @bunjihyo @dalsooobeanie @madmanwoodam @m00n-purplerose-chatbot @your-jaemin @moonlightchn @mafiabossxjunmyeon @xash-axx @time-for-confession @yourmom-jieun (🥺) @vamp-jjk @yourchaechae @kpop-shelter

[nofoodclub]

Tonight wasnt awful, i made it through. Only smoked once just now since before i went to blair so go me? I need to slow down on this shit but it makes me feel good even if i feel like shit so for now it can stay. I need to eat and sleep more in getting super jittery which is not good for the discretionary part of this. No one can know. Telling t was a huge risk that thankfully played out alright with him going to get his pipe lol i figured he would at least be ok with it after he told me about doing heroin. W and i are so protective over eachother and making sure our relationships are good and not causing to much harm. He looks out for me, as much as there's stuff about him that bothers me i don't on know how i would have made it out of the separation from r. Hes a wonderful person and i don't know how i got so lucky as to attract that energy to my life. I met him at just the right time. I was ready to see my doorway out but not quite ready to run. I do still wish we had fucked at some point but that woukd have changed our relationship and i would do anything to keep it as song as it is now. Hes too special to risk loosing for something i can get elsewhere. The only thing that irks me is the day after bad decision he told me i could have just come to him for that like bitch i wanted that for so long. Oh well doesnt matter anymore i think? I'm gonna be official with t in due time and i want to go grow that possibility way more than anything more with w. T is the 2 is youngest person ive been physical with and the youngest ive "dated" at only 3 years older than me wow go me healthy age differences rather than 13 and 14 and 15 year gaps like my last few. Older guys have more experience so they're quite a bit better in bed. T needs to find his confidence in it it takes a bit to start it out but once we get going it's GOOD not the best dick I've had but the most passion in the sex for sure.

Good enough for me (for now i still am considering fuckin e this weekend... that would be really shitty and i wouldn't be able to tell anyone bc they would probably agree that it's being quite dishonest to t. He told me today he's not messing around with anyone else and i didn't directly say it back but im not exactly doing that i came very very close to it...i hate missed opportunity and that is a rather fun one would really love to try it at least one more and not be as frighteningly anxious and awkward as the first go of it. With one round under us i can usually pull it together and actually enjoy myself a and help my partner enjoy themselves. That's what happened with me and t but that took t goes and a hell of a lot of cuddling to get there. It was worth it, i really enjoy him and i know it'll hurt him if he finds out i am planning on sleeping with e again but s long as we're nothing official i can try and excuse myself for it which i know will still let it eat at me i really should resist but where's the fun in that im 24 i should have a blanket pass to be a go if i want to

Fuck is 430 and i gotta be up around 930... there's s so much more i wanted to do tonight like folks my laundry wow how exciting it can wait till tomorrow. Same thing with this here post, i should call it for the night. It's helped me a lot to go over it slowly like this. Uhg i really don't want to go to bed but i know i need the sleep in practically falling asleep in the bathroom i for my comfy clothes and a heater in here is pretty nice for a bathroom tbh. Still feels so weird to invite people (j and t) to come hang out in the bathroom with me but it works no smell or cross contamination in the rest of my place and saves my kittens from having to be exposed to a much of it ty wonderful bathroom fan i put in youre welcome dearest landlords. But really yall are awesome this is my favorite place I've ever lived in happy here i just need to convince myself of that. Ok a couple more puffs then i need to go to bed here at go signing of...

[dannobfg]

I need something to do. I've lost my passions. Apathy towards everything. Lately, I'll put my earphones in, turn the music up, and just scroll for hours, all the while feeling shitty inside. I lost myself, somewhere, somehow. And I don't know how to get back.

This past week I tried to do some sport. And I did. On Wednesday I did some exercise following an app, and on Thursday I went for a run first thing in the morning. And it felt great. I somehow had energy afterwards. But still nothing to do really. So it was wasted. And of course, the next day the muscle aches hit and you regret ever going out in the first place.

I'm always hungry because I'm bored. And I go to the kitchen and think, I want to eat, but I also want to loose the quarantine weight so I tell myself I shouldn't. But after the third visit to the kitchen, I give in. And then I feel bad about it. Plus this summer heat is killing me. So done with it tbh. But still a good two months more of it, basically. No seaside or pool, I might add.

I'm just finding it very hard to not be negative. But that seems to be my personality. A pessimist about everything and anything. Except maybe when I'm trying to cheer someone else up, or in those brief moments of positive thinking that last a few hours and then get crushed...

A mutual asked me on here recently what I meant by "mental mess" in my header. Well, friend, this is what I mean.

Add to the mix my current life stage and you have the cherry on the top. I failed to finish university this term, which means I have to pay more money to get those 6 credits I'm lacking in order to graduate. The actual graduation ceremony has been cancelled in the end because of coronavirus. I'm currently living at my parents house, which is never easy. And it's so stressful. It's never easy to move back home once you've become accustomed to your own way of doing things. There's also just so much tension in this house. It's exhausting.

Also, I'm stressed because I hardly have any savings left, and I hate the idea of having to rely on my parents if I want to move out. I'm trying to get a TEFL qualification so I can teach English and hopefully get a job that allows me to live and work away from here. And that in itself says a lot. Because I'd always said teaching English would be the last thing I'd ever do. But I guess I've basically found myself with no other viable option right now. And who knows, maybe it won't be so bad. Idk. But anyway, I need to finish it before I can start sending CVs out. Besides, I have no place to go back to. I left my apartment when I moved back here. And the flatmates I had are also gone. So it's basically starting from zero. I'm just so sad that my university days are practically over and the real world sucks balls. Why does growing up have to be like this? Can we fast forward to when I have my life together and feel content with my surrounding circumstances? I'm not even asking to be fully happy. Just enough to be okay. Contentment is the only way to get through this hell. Happiness is an illusion. We can experience happy moments, but it's not possible to live 100% happy every second of everyday. Not in this world. At least, that's how I see it right now...

I'm both dreading and looking forward to a wedding I have in a few weeks. One of my best friends from uni is getting married to her longtime boyfriend. A super cute couple. I'm so jealous of her. She seems to have her life all figured out. Her boyfriend has a good job in Germany, and after the wedding they're both moving over there. She has a job waiting for her too. And they already have a cute little apartment. Give it a few years and they'll have their beautiful children, etc, etc.

The wedding is both a celebration, but also a goodbye. And not just of the happy couple. I know most of the other invitees. They're also good friends of mine. And this wedding is probably the last time I'm gonna see any of them for a long time. And that makes me so sad. But at the same time, I'm so excited to get out of here and celebrate with my friends for a few hours. For a few hours I can forget my worries and just live again. Plus, I plan on downloading some of this mental shit to them. Long overdue. It'll be interesting to hear their perspectives. And to be honest, I just want someone to empathize with how I feel. My parents don't get it. Neither does my brother. And that just adds to the whole mess.

On another note, I'm also kinda low-key worried about Covid-19 at the wedding. My friend has told me they're doing their very best to ensure the recommended distances are kept between people, chairs and tables at all time. Masks will be compulsory and there will be hand sanitizer everywhere. So it should be fine. But still, it does make me a little nervous to go out and be around so many people.

Anyway, enough ramblings for one day. Thanks for reading, if you made it all the way...

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

this is an outta nowhere question but what are your thoughts on Joker in Smash about a year since he was added? I've heard some folks say the reason the Persona fandom got so toxic is bc Smash got involved and I wanted to know what you thought since you've been in it way longer than P5 and Joker in Smash

Short answer: Yes AND No. 

Long answer (it’s me of course it’s gonna be under the cut due to length 8U):

I’mma be honest, there’s always toxic fans. I know Smash Fans (and Nintendo fans in general) haven’t exactly been peaches, esp when it comes to Twitter (which I think is also an issue atm). But there were toxic fans before than and there’ll be toxic fans later. It’s just life tbh. (dunno where to put this but I’ll put it here: Twitter nowadays is like 2012-2015ish Tumblr, different being Tumblr was a bit more hiveminded and if you disagreed with a popular fandom opinion you.....were kinda bullied let’s be honest so no one could really say their opinions. While Twitter now it’s not a hivemind but instead two sided extremist that you need to choose. Both toxic and similar but just a taaaaad bit different, I’d probs take the two extremist sides over the hivemind if I had to chose tho...even tho Tumblr had better content during that era than Twitter right now imo but that’s in general and not Persona only. 8U Tumblr’s REALLY calmed down since the porn ban I’m not gonna lie, and ironically that’s roughly around the time that Twitter started getting shitty. So like....kinda saying there’s a correlation, I think a lot of toxic tumblr people probably migrated to twitter, and while there’s toxic fans everywhere it feels like a lot gather on Twitter so it really highlights the fandom there sadly). 

From my experience (which is from P4 PS2 era onward, I missed the pre-P4 P3 PS2 era stuff but apparently there were waifu wars which from what I’ve found I probs would’ve just classified as “shipping war” stuff rather than waifu wars....and it seemed liked standard shipping war stuff from back then), the bigger a fandom grows the more fans it obviously attracts, but that also means more toxic fans too. And that’s why I say yes and no for the smash community, yes because they did attract more fans (and their community seems to be a bit toxic atm, like I get expressing your wants to a company and I support that! but the INSTANT you don’t get a specific character announced for the fighter pass and instead of just being like “oh golly darn :(” but instead “***** this place ***** Nintendo you all suck ****** *slur* *slur*” yeah no that’s a little....you gotta take a step back buddy, so yeah I’m sure there’s a bit more toxic fans in that fandom atm but they are also a BIG ASS FANDOM so I’m not surprised), but it’s also just the cause and effect of the fandom getting bigger in general.

It happened when P4 got it’s anime (btw anime fans ya still valid and are a Persona fan, just keep in mind if you wanna talk lore just know you did watch a very abridged version of the game so be aware you might have somethings wrong cause of that.....cause I’ve seen it happen.....DX btw let’s play watchers are also real Persona fans and I’d say even people who just like Joker in Smash are at least Joker fans and that’s ok too enough gate keeping guys DX), it happened when we started getting spinoffs, kinda with the P3 movies (only really cause FeMC fans were salty or P3 fans upset what was cut/changed, but it wasn’t on any toxic level tbh just normal complaints, I think the fact it was a movie instead of an anime bypassed newer fans than with P4/5 animes), it happened when P5 solidified it into the mainstream gaming market (I’ll stand by P4 helped break Persona into it via all the other avenues of mainstream, with P5 finally latching the main series into mainstream games.....I say mainstream cause spinoffs are looking the same as pre mainstream which.....>.> *shrugs* could be better imo), it happened with P5′s anime, and it happened with Smash Bros. And tbh I’m sure it happened or will happen with the Steam community (and Switch/Xbox if it ever goes there too) and P4G (P4 fans go through the same cycle of BS constantly, most of which I believe originated with the anime generation, that it’s hard to tell if there was an uptick or not). And it’ll probs get an uptick again with P6, and then P6′s anime. And maybe manga cause maybe P6 fans like the P5 fans and won’t listen when people say “don’t get attached to the manga name it’s probs not gonna be used so hold off till the anime” but hey let’s have drama for no reason cause we need it. 8U (obvie you can still like the manga name, it’s more for people complaining about name changes or not getting why Atlus just didn’t keep the manga name even tho an explanation is probs within arm’s reach and they were warned beforehand)

*sighs* Sorry back on topic, each time the fandom grows so will toxic fans. Tbh I feel like the phrase “toxic fans” are thrown around a lot. And it’s esp used for only....”haters” it feels like and I don’t think that’s right (cause it can be fans too), it just feels like ANY negativity (even constructive and kept reigned in by certain users) is viewed as that. Like take me, I’m sure I’m probs labeled as a “toxic fan” due to be being a Megaten/Persona fan but disliking P5 and talking shit/calling it out. But I try my damnedest to do that in the appropriate places (ie my personal blog, maybe a confessions place, or a thread/board that’s expressing negatives only OR it’s explaining/expressing pros and cons type of stuff, I find that to be the best because it keeps people who want to vent away from people who want to gush so no war happens, not saying I am perfect or you HAVE to follow this or you are toxic, it’s what I decided to ascribe to and find it works well and good enough and it gives me a better fandom experience). Aka, I don’t go on twitter to someone’s fanart of Yukari or Makoto and trash the character because I’m not a freaking asshole (or in this case a ~toxic fan~). But this also applies to the “fans” as well who will talk about something they like (character/game) but the ONLY  way they can raise it up is by tearing down something else (other character/game), it’s really rude and also toxic as well. Negativity is not inherently bad all the time, and Positivity is not inherently good all the time (with positivity it’s more of giving yourself a break from it rather than saying something positive can be bad at times, tho I’m sure there are times that-that has happened but it’s 2:30 am and I don’t want to think of an example for that). It’s how it’s used/expressed. I see the Twitter community trying to combat the “negativity” by trying to only spread “positivity” and I’m afraid 1) any negative expression, even constructive, will be scorned (I guess I’m afraid of us going back to a hivemind mentality again), but most importantly 2) the people trying to head it are going to be burned out and it’ll hurt them mentally (I do not want it to happen obvie, but I know personally it can wear you down which is why I’m concerned). Don’t get me wrong I love what they are doing/trying to do, but I think we’re generalizing the word “negativity” and “positivity” a bit too much and it’s just raising a few red flags for me (I’m just hoping I’m being paranoid/overanalyzing in this case). 

Uhhh there was one last thing I wanted to address.....Oh yeah gate keeping. I know you asked about Smash but this stuff is kinda related and hey think of it as a history lesson for the Persona fandom (or at least Nusona cause I didn’t have a game system in the 90s ;_; plus wee little me wouldn’t have been able to find P1/2 fandoms back then due to me not really using the internet like I do nowadays till around P3 was probs released). Plus you know how long winded I am so this is kinda what you sign up for, 3 am ramblings of overexplaining~! But gdi I will try to cover all the bases and get my point across in....some fashion. 8U

But yeah, Gatekeeping in relation to the Smash fans, cause I see Persona fans shit on new fans that got into Persona through Smash (I know above I said Joker fans are valid Joker fans rather than Persona fans, but I’m assuming they’ve yet to play/watch Persona and are just aware of Joker and are a fan of him vs the fans who saw Joker and then watch/played the games to get into the fandom. One set is a fan of a character vs the other set got into a franchise because of said character. Like I wouldn’t say I’m a FE fan cause I liked Marth/Roy in SSBM, which is why I have that distinction myself BUT if you wanna call yourself a Persona fan that’s valid, you’re valid, it’s whatever, I don’t really care about the details that much, I just have two categories for convenience). Anyway I don’t think it’s fair to shit on them. Same as I don’t think it’s fair to shit on anime only or manga only fans. Or if they got into the fandom through Nusona (Oldsona is P1/2, Nusona is P3-5 atm). Or Oldsona. Or another Megaten game. 

Maybe it’s cause I came from P4, where it got shit on cause it wasn’t (”dark”) like P3, it wasn’t (”dark”) like Oldsona, it wasn’t “dark” like other Megaten games, it got shit on every way to Sunday for daring to try to have a more lightened mood at times (3 murders happen, we see 3 dead bodies, a 6 yo dies onscreen, we have characters going through intense existential crises, we deal with characters mourning through death as well as other relatable struggles, basically shows our teammates die one by one in the final boss, having a chance to hear Naoto’s death scream on the phone if you don’t stop Adachi, just the “you didn’t save the person” phone calls in general, talks about society’s toxic gender roles and how it can negatively effect a person both to an extreme extent and minor, god forbid they eat an animal cracker to lighten the mood, and this isn’t counting the dark shit that happens in the spinoffs). As if P1/2/3 don’t have comedy, or any other Megaten game, all the demons are freaking weird of course there is comedy. Oh and it also got shit on for going mainstream first, and not even counting that it got shit on for spinoffs (which P3 was included but no P3 gets a pass for some reason), and the fact that it was shit on for not being P5 (before and a little while after P5 came out) because it wasn’t “dark” like P5 (fdksjafajkfljafj P5 has it’s moments, esp with Shiho, tho P4D did it first and went through with it, but seriously each game has it’s own light and dark moments and one isn’t better than the other only cause they have more of one than the other). And....*sigh* let’s just say thank god that I was able to buy other Megaten games right before the flood gates of shit came in, cause I dunno if I would’ve wanted to give it a chance if I had to hear my fav game shit on constantly. I say I dunno cause tbh I was craving more after P4 so badly I still would’ve probs gotten into it regardless of the fandom, I wanted more from the franchise even if it wasn’t 100% like P4. 

But tbh I don’t blame P5 fans, anime fans, or Smash fans for maybe not wanting to get into the rest of the series. I get old fans of whatever feeling like they are...I dunno being invaded? By new people in the fandom. Or their afraid of new fans not fully understanding the franchise (hey guys that’s where you teach people instead of try to passive aggressively try to get them to leave the fandom I dunno maybe make posts to educate instead of trying to push away??? 030). And change is hard and yeah. And maybe you don’t like the new game (keep in mind there’s a diff between saying “*insert* Sux” and “I don’t like *insert* because...” one’s shitting on something and the other is constructive), but hey shitting on the game they like is probs not gonna win them over to your fav game sflkdjafkjafja Educate and be helpful, don’t gatekeep and drive people away. That’s a sure fire way for us to lose this franchise (remember we almost lost Atlus all together, but it was able to get a 2nd life thanks to P4 saving it....tbh probably wouldn’t have ever gotten P5 nor SMTV nor any spinoffs if not for P4′s success with its game and anime, this is both a history lesson and a word of warning since it already almost happened once). 

Tldr; Smash didn’t help but it’s really just the fact the fandom got bigger and bigger fandom means we also end up getting more toxic fans mixed in. Twitter now is basically 2012-2015!Tumblr (diff is Tumblr’s was a hivemind vs Twitter’s now extremist two sides only thing), and Tumblr’s porn ban probably migrated a lot of their toxic fans to Twitter which probs hasn’t helped any fandoms on there. Negativity in general isn’t an issue, it’s if you’re being an outright asshole where it’s an issue. Don’t be an asshole in general, if you need to vent then vent where you need to, if you wanna gush then gush were you need to and without bringing anyone/anything down obvie. You are a Persona fan, regardless of where/how you started. Don’t gatekeep for the love of god, or so help me Jack Frost will sneak into your house and smack you in the face with a snowball (and if he doesn’t then I will.....jk...half jk 8U). Also *sprinkles of (allusions to? I dunno I tried it’s 3 am and my 2nd try on answering this and the first one was just as long) Silly’s Persona fandom history lessons throughout the post*

[punkscowardschampions]

Hathor & Sekhmet

Hathor: About to slap myself so you'll feel it Hathor: wherever you are ain't where you should be Sekhmet: what im sleep Sekhmet: 😴😴😴 Hathor: wake up 👊🏽 Hathor: you asked me to meet you, remember? Sekhmet: I think that's tomorrow Sekhmet: I said Wednesday, right Hathor: That's today Hathor: you blackout past Tuesday? Sekhmet: You're joking Sekhmet: well then, that means I've got a deadline I gotta meet and not a whole lot of time for brunch dates Hathor: you're joking Hathor: I cancelled on a fine boy for you Sekhmet: it's so early you got time to hit it back Sekhmet: I know I didn't tell you I'd meet you at the crack of dawn Hathor: you didn't and you're late af still Sekhmet: chill sis, I'll make it up to you Hathor: yeah Hathor: anyone else'd be offended you don't ever want to have a sober conversation Hathor: but I'll see you in the club Sekhmet: girl, chill 😂 Sekhmet: how fine was he that you're all kinds of vexed with me Sekhmet: don't even care how I'm gonna make it up to you, oh my days 🥴🍆🧠 for real Hathor: he's got prospects, I'm not saying any more than that if you're not coming out 👅 Hathor: I'll care how you're gonna make it up when you next show up for real Sekhmet: ugh! living up to your name 🐮 Sekhmet: bitch I'm busy 😏 the juggle is real Hathor: you know I don't say that shit lightly except once in a blue moon, however fine a lad be looking Hathor: but if you don't wanna hear it Sekhmet: is he 🧑🏾🧑🏿 Hathor: 🥛 Hathor: nobody is more surprised than me Sekhmet: 👏🙌 yay Sekhmet: I told you, white boys are the best Sekhmet: they treat us like 👸 Hathor: It's his Irish accent tricking me Hathor: I gotta take a trip back and cure myself Sekhmet: awh, you're homesick, precious Sekhmet: now it makes sense why you wanna tie me down Hathor: can barely understand him he's from so far north, more likely that Sekhmet: throwback 📟 📠 📺 📻 Hathor: get the psych dept to pull their shrink shit on me about it Sekhmet: You wanna be just like Vee, sorted Sekhmet: take my PhD now 💁 Hathor: be more disrespectful! first you stand me up and then put that out there Sekhmet: 🤭 you've got a ways to go, even if you're rolling mad extra today Hathor: I didn't ask 👼🏽💘 to 🎯 me up in the 🍑 Hathor: got my own things I'm busy with Sekhmet: love is magic 💖 Sekhmet: don't be complaining in my inbox when I'm tragically single Hathor: I've been serving and swerving him for long enough I thought I'd succeeded, there's the complaint Sekhmet: 🙄 you can't ❌ feelings bitch Hathor: white boys are a different animal, I ❌ the fear of Sekhmet: 😍😍😍 Hathor: I'm not here to be treated like a 👸🏽 if that's one step away from being called 'exotic' Hathor: there's nothing sexy about a power imbalance Sekhmet: most girls would disagree, babe Sekhmet: why do you wanna be run of the mill every day when we been #blessed with this 🔥 Sekhmet: all black guys wanna chat about is my light-skin privilege and their black man struggles, I can't 🥱 Hathor: fetishization like that ain't foreplay I'm interested in Hathor: 👑 me for other reasons than my melanin Sekhmet: insecurities SNAPPED, I'm sure he likes you for more than your skin, you crazy Hathor: he likes me for how I pour measures rn Sekhmet: racial Sekhmet: that's why everyone likes you 💃💃💃 Hathor: on account of being a poor student not Northern Irish, don't be biting the hand that feeds your blackouts Sekhmet: my white boys always pay Hathor: #blessed innit Sekhmet: 👸😇 tings Hathor: which white boy you with ignoring your deadline then? Sekhmet: whoever it is they've gone to work Sekhmet: but they left a 💳 with their cute note so I know I'm in a good postcode still 🙏 Hathor: so come meet me and spare mine, that's the right thing to do Sekhmet: just 'cos it's good doesn't mean I'm not lost still, damn Sekhmet: hold on and let me get dressed and get my bearings Hathor: if your phone ain't drained I can use it to get your bearings while you serve a look Sekhmet: who doesn't have a charger in their hoe 👜 PLEASE Hathor: you didn't know what day it was, can't blame me for 👶🏽ing Sekhmet: where would I be without you 😘 Sekhmet: mum hasn't phoned me in ages actually, it's so rude Sekhmet: I missed the last few but still Hathor: I hit her with your highlights, creatively Hathor: like how I won't mention a white boy making me feel like a baby 🐮 that can't walk Sekhmet: 😶😶 Sekhmet: dad would 😥 Hathor: and she'll 🙌🏽 harder than you've done Sekhmet: facts are facts Sekhmet: look at her dad, Vee's... Hathor: cliches are tired and stereotypes are damaging Sekhmet: @ your white boy with the 👋 then booboo Sekhmet: I think dad's in town working today, you wanna come for dinner with us? 🥂 Hathor: he's not mine to command in or out 👅 Hathor: yeah 🍾 will help Sekhmet: I'll teach you Hathor: those twin stereotypes are damaging too, like Sekhmet: oh hush, I only tried to 💋 you ONE time and we were like babies and that boy was the first great love of my life Sekhmet: anyway, you're like hot but not my types type these days, you know Hathor: that boy was trash Hathor: you levelled up fast though Sekhmet: awh, don't be rude, I have fond memories Hathor: I have loads of him trying to ask me out at the same time Sekhmet: oh yeah Sekhmet: I forgot that happened Sekhmet: his hair was gorgeous though Hathor: it was Sekhmet: good times Sekhmet: my new guy, not this one, the actual one, looks like old school Leo, I SWEAR Hathor: Yeah? Sekhmet: like Leo and a bit of River and Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions Sekhmet: 🥰🥰🥰 Hathor: love of your life material Sekhmet: definitely Sekhmet: he's a trader in the city and his apartment is 😱😱😱 Hathor: what's the age range this time? Sekhmet: he's only 26, it's mad how successful he is already Hathor: he sounds like the full 🎟 Hathor: any catch? Sekhmet: only technically Hathor: technically he's a 🤖? Sekhmet: ha, he totally has the stamina of one Sekhmet: he can keep up with me, almost 😉 Hathor: 👌🏽 he's perfect Hathor: fucking hell Sekhmet: no need to be jealous when you're 🥰 yourself Sekhmet: what does he look like? Hathor: Tall enough Hathor: more like a 🥊 than a 👼🏻 Sekhmet: you really do wanna do great grandpa Sekhmet: jk, he sounds so you Hathor: he does work for the main brewery that supplies us, maybe I do Hathor: Jesus Christ Sekhmet: 😂😬 processing that Sekhmet: not really though, every boy I've ever dated has been like dad, it's unavoidable tbh 💁 Hathor: in our postcode nobody's trying very hard to be anything else Hathor: 💰💳💎🍾 Sekhmet: why would they? Hathor: they wouldn't and they aren't, it'd be terrifying for any of those boys to step out Sekhmet: 🙄 you aren't going to throw yourself down a ladder when you're at the top, babe Hathor: wouldn't kill them to give other people a hand up though, they just act like it Sekhmet: 🥱 when's your deadline? Hathor: my work's done Sekhmet: then button it, loser Sekhmet: you wanna eat out on this nice rich boy's 💳 Hathor: ETA of 15 on getting to you Hathor: you best 🚿 Sekhmet: way ahead of you 🛀 Sekhmet: door's unlocked, our breakfast will hopefully be on the table when you get here Sekhmet: love ubereats Hathor: 🙌🏽 Sekhmet: you can bring it through, the view in this bathroom is immense Sekhmet: thought getting the driver to bring it to the tub was unlikely Hathor: he probably would but it's unlikely I'd recover from walking in on it Sekhmet: 😘 Sekhmet: do fuck with an asian boy Hathor: you don't know he will be Hathor: might not even be a lad Hathor: but if it is, guarantee they'll send the most unexpected one Sekhmet: it usually is, your stereotypes be damned Hathor: what are you gonna bet? Sekhmet: the Belgian 🧇s Hathor: you're on Sekhmet: sometimes you shock me with how green you are, Hath Hathor: back to putting disrespect on me, what a nice truce while it lasted, like Sekhmet: I mean, you know I can see the driver on my app, babe Sekhmet: no points for guessing where Hassan is from Sekhmet: you can have the 🧇s anyway Hathor: you know I can read your thoughts, the playing field is level Hathor: and anyway I like green, that's my boy's eye colour Sekhmet: been gazing into them longingly across the bar have we🤭 Hathor: maybe Sekhmet: so cute Sekhmet: hope this one doesn't have a fiancee Sekhmet: or a maid who thinks we've broken in Hathor: if he does he better break that eye contact with me Sekhmet: I meant Mr Black Card, don't worry Sekhmet: he's a student, yeah? he won't be Hathor: he's only got a year on us, I don't predict an engagement Sekhmet: yeah, doubt it Hathor: outside of our family people aren't usually that extra Sekhmet: some of the asian internationals are but they usually cheat if their intended ain't here yet so Hathor: Yeah Sekhmet: what even does an engagement mean anyway Sekhmet: not much, right Hathor: a flash 💍 Hathor: what's my course teaching me if I don't know the statistics on how often a wedding follows? Hathor: shows how outdated it is Sekhmet: he gives me that anyway Hathor: I'd take a phone number and be happy with it for now Hathor: but it's probably the party and that whole flex too, right? Sekhmet: the dress Sekhmet: but it's irrelevant if it doesn't happen, like you said Hathor: 🎁🎁 even if it doesn't if people bring them for the engagement as well, but you're not going short of any Sekhmet: right Sekhmet: 😥 if you need a wedding for attention Hathor: Jay's birth mum QUAKING Sekhmet: omg I bet that's EXACTLY what his fiancee is like Hathor: does he ever speak about her? Sekhmet: obviously not Sekhmet: but she must never come up from wherever they're from because I'm like ALWAYS over so Hathor: maybe she doesn't know about this place Hathor: old school Sekhmet: Who knows Sekhmet: can't be my problem Hathor: Yours is the day you've missed, like Hathor: what's the assignment? Sekhmet: design some sportswear line Sekhmet: got to get the sketches in by 5, but all I ordered for me was a shit ton of coffee, it'll be fine Hathor: more productive if I stay or go? Sekhmet: you've already missed your date, you may as well stay Hathor: okay Hathor: am the sportier one Sekhmet: how are you 😂 Hathor: ⚽⛹🏽🚴🏽🥊 Hathor: why dad loves me more than you Sekhmet: now I know you're talking nonsense 😏 Hathor: True, he loves Vee and she never gets off her chaise Sekhmet: and she doesn't even love him back Hathor: poor dad Sekhmet: yeah Hathor: what time's dinner with him? Sekhmet: I'll ask him when he wants to go Hathor: about to come up, so whatever you were planning for Hassan, this is me Sekhmet: regrettably noted

[softforcal]

I just read both your poly!5sos and Cal pregnancy and my heart has melted 😭💕 and since I've been in an Ashton mood for the past week can you do one for him please?

ASHTON X PREGNANT READER (bonus proposal)

(Cal) (Luke) (Poly) (Michael)

-((((Also side note: i wasn’t going to post today but its @irwinkitten‘s birthday tomorrow (in a few hours her time) and i adore her so i wanted to kick off her birthday with something soft to show how much she means to me. Love you Laura. now fucking die hoe. )))

-this boy wants babies

-lots of em

-the two of you have been together for over a year and it’s definitely something you’ve talked about

-but he’s really busy with Youngblood and other stuff so it never really gets to be the right time

-you’re on tour with him and there’s about a month left and you’re having EXTREME baby fever because there are adorable children everywhere in the city you’re in

-like. an unusual amount of children

-or maybe you’re just noticing because it’s something thats on your mind

-regardless. your heart is soft as fuck.

-Ash is getting ready to go on stage and he notices you’re being kinda weird, “what’s up babe?” he asks

-”thinking about kids.” you sigh

-he stops what he’s doing and looks at you

-”oh yeah?”

-”yeah. i mean. your tour’s almost over and… i mean… if we wanted to start building a family… now might be a good time.” you shrug, “but no pressure, i mean you still have your career to think about-” he cuts you off with a kiss

-”we’ll talk about this when the show’s over, i promise.” he says, kissing your forehead before going to join the boys and go on stage

-you watch the show and surprisingly, getting pregnant isnt huge on your mind. it doesn’t really worry you. you know it’s something Ashton wants and now that you want it, you have no doubt that it will work out.

-the show ends and you wait in a back room for Ashton

-he comes off stage and is all sweaty and gorgeous and he just grabs you, “where are we going?” you ask as he pulls you towards a back dressing room, closing the door and locking it

-he kisses you, “you said you want a baby right?”

-”yeah?”

-”so stop asking questions and let daddy work.”

-’daddy’ has always used in the bedroom but OOF having baby fever while hearing it is wild

-Ashton always goes hard and this is no different

-you’ve never really done breeding kink before or really talked about pregnancy during sex and all of the sudden Ashton is like “you want me to fill you up Princess?” “going to pump a fucking baby into you.” and he’s going DEEP AF because like… better for making babies right?

-there’s probably not any real logic to that but whatever fam

-he hitting those spots is all i’m saying

-you both finish and he just stays inside of your for a bit, kissing you and being super soft

-but unlike other times with condoms, now there’s a bit of a mess (its the fucking worst) so he helps clean you up and is still super soft about it

-going back to the hotel you’re staying at for the night and he’s already down to go again

-once in the bedroom, then in the shower, then in the bedroom again, and then again in the shower and by the time you get to the bedroom again you’re like ‘please let me sleep’ and he just laughs and pulls you to his chest

-cuddling and talking about baby names

-talking about starting a family

-he’s been ready for a while but was waiting for you because it was obvious he was always down

-talking about whether you want a baby girl or boy first

-talking about how many kids you want

-just fully having an idea of the life you both want together

-you continue on tour and you have a general idea of when you’re period should come

-two weeks of really great sex all the time

-being in so many different cities and countries because you’re at the end of tour that days just start whipping by and then one day Ashton tosses you a pregnancy test because THIS GUY has a period app on his phone for you because he’s THAT FUCKING BOYFRIEND.

-”why do you have a period app for me?” “so i know when i have to go buy you chocolate. do you think i just magically have chocolate every time you get a craving?”

-what a sweetheart

-so you’re in a hotel for the night and you go pee on the stick and wait

-Ashton orders room service so that no matter what, you have comfort food to eat after the results

-”i’m afraid to look.” you groan. oddly enough he is too.

-so he calls Calum and is like “you need to get over here.” so Calum shows up and is like “what the fuck do you two animals want?” and Ashton is like “go look in the bathroom.”

-and Calum is hesitant as fuck, “if there’s a dead body in there? i hope you know Best Friend is just a song.” but he reluctantly goes inside, “did you pee on this?!” he calls back.

-”is she pregnant or not mate?!” Ashton yells.

-”yeah. she pregnant.” Calum states.

-Ashton immediately hugs you tight and after a few moments another pair of arms goes around you and Ashton and Calum is just like, “this makes me the godfather right?” “yes but don’t tell Michael. he’s going to be pissed.”

-”so… you can go now Cal.” “fuck, right, sorry.”

-once he’s gone you and Ashton just kiss and cuddle and are super fucking happy

-a few minutes later there’s knocking at your door. its Luke and Michael and they’re both like “i knew you two were fucking ever more often than normal!” “why didn’t you tell us you were trying to get pregnant!?”

-”a lots been going on mate.” Ashton shrugs. and it’s true. they’ve been really busy. besides, neither of you wanted to get your hopes up about it because for some couples it takes a long time to get pregnant

-so Luke and Michael hang out for a bit, Calum stops by to apologize for immediately throwing you two under the bus and telling Michael and Luke and then he goes, “you’ll forgive me, i’m the godfather.” and Michael freaks out

-Ashton ushering them all out of the room for alone time with you

-of course cuddling leads to sex

-he’s being a bit more gentle and you moan “daddy” and he just stops. pulls out and sits down with his head in his hands like “you can’t call me that anymore.” and he’s so distraught about it

-can you imagine. like. one of his main kinks. just out the door. because now it has to actually be used because he’s going to be a dad

-you rub at his shoulders and are just like… “sir?”

-yup that gets him going again with a laugh

-i mean, it’s nothing compared to ‘daddy’ but it will have to do

-the tour continues and it’s the second last show and as it ends, the boys are like “we have one last song for you.” and they start singing you and Ashton’s couple song and he straight up proposes to you on stage

-”i wanted to do this at the last concert but that’s Michael’s birthday so i didn’t think i could do him dirty like that,” Ashton teases as he gets down on a knee, “will you marry me?”

-of course you say yes

-its really sweet and cute and the fandom is shooketh

-they have their last concert and then everyone heads back to LA

-your first day back, Ashton is already planning the baby room because he’s so excited

-he’s just running around and he’s so cute getting worried about sharp corners and stuff like that and it’s just like “Ashton. we have time. i’m not even showing yet.”

-he’s just so excited to be getting married to you AND having a baby

-cuddles that calm him down but he gets excited and starts planning again

-having a small engagement party and announcing to close family and friends that you’re also pregnant

-so, everyone knows you’re engaged because of his very public proposal but Ashton decides to make a post for his insta to officially celebrate, he chooses a picture of you drinking a sparkling drink at your engagement party, ring showing

-he writes a long ass post about finding the love of his life and starting a new chapter and how excited he is, but he also states something along the lines of “and don’t worry, the drink is non alcoholic ;)”

-like the doesn’t explicitly state you’re pregnant but of course there would only be one fucking reason you can’t drink anymore

-the fandom is once more: shook

-now that you’re back in LA he has a lot of time to spend with you when he’s not working on the new album

-and he is an absolute spoiler

-like, as soon as you have any craving for food, he’s getting it for you

-because “you’re eating for two now Sweetheart.”

-going to your ultrasound and you decide to not know the gender of the baby (tbh, i do this every time because i wanna leave it up to the reader;)

-but the baby is strong and healthy and Ashton has tears in his eyes

-your bump begins to show and he adores it so much because “that’s my baby in there.” “our baby.” “nope, pretty sure i’m the only parent here.”

-what a teasing fuck

-he’s way softer with sex though, that would be for sure

-lots more cockwarming

-he straight up talks to the baby while he’s inside you and it’s like… “Ashton what the fuck.”

-”fuck, we can’t swear anymore. shit. i’m going to be such a bad fucking father.”

-assuring him that he’ll be a great dad

-he would totally hire someone to make the baby room perfect. i just see him as the guy that wants everything 10/10

-as it gets closer to your due date he religiously baby proofs the entire house

-he has the hospital on speed dial

-as its coming down to your due date this boy can’t sleep

-like. he is super stressed out and excited

-the boys being there for you two because this is a BIG deal

-he would adore cuddling next to your stomach and talking to the baby

-tapping gently on your stomach to show drum beats

-Ashton doesn’t even want you to leave the house without him incase somehow you get in trouble or need him and he’s not there

-can you imagine being a bit of a rebellious girlfriend and going for a walk while he’s still asleep and your water breaks so you call him and he’s like “Y/N, what the fuck, where are you?” and you’re just like “yeah… so i went for a walk and i’m fine, but like…. my water broke.” and he’s just like “fucking classic. of fucking course this would happen.”

-he comes and picks you up from wherever you are (probably like a block away from the house or some shit because classic) and he looks like shit cuz he’s exhausted and in a hoodie and sweats but he still managed to grab the hospital bag for the birth

-part of him wants to drive with both hands on the wheel to be safe

-but part of him wants to hold your hand so you can squeeze it while you have contractions

-but part of him wants his hand on your belly

-so probably a lot of him doing all three and you being like “hands on the wheel Ashton!” “we’re at a red light i can touch-” “Ashton it’s green now!”

-getting to the hospital and he doesn’t even get a wheel chair he just carries you because fuck that

-he’s super nervous and everyone can tell

-the boys show up and calm him down a bit

-”i cant believe this is fucking happening. oh my god. what if this is the last time i can swear? fuck. fuck. Y/N i fucking love you so fucking much holy shit.”

-”Ashton. calm down.”

-”what if im a terrible father.”

-”then i’ll divorce you and run away with Calum.”

-this earns a glare then a laugh and Calum’s just like “as the godfather, i can say that I one hundred percent would support that decision Y/N.”

-you all get Ashton to calm down and he holds your hand the entire time

-he would be such a great dad holy shit.