#this one took the longest because of that
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wait for me to come home
alexia putellas x reader
word count: 14.1k
You and Alexia have been best friends your whole lives. You’re adamant that moving away from Barcelona won’t change a thing between you. Alexia fears otherwise.
or classic best friends to lovers :)
“Can’t believe you’re really leaving.” It was midnight. You were sitting on your usual spot at the beach with Alexia, your head on her shoulder, both of you staring out at the sea. Despite the tightness in her chest, Alexia felt at ease with you next to her.
“I can’t believe it either,” you replied, your voice barely a whisper.
Alexia took a deep breath. You were only going away for a year, you said. It did nothing to calm the nerves she felt all over. One year, but that would be the longest you've been away from each other. Alexia still didn’t know how to feel, she didn’t know what to feel. She figured it still hadn’t sunk in, that you were leaving. Leaving her.
In the morning when Alexia would drop you off at the airport and you’d wave goodbye, that was probably when she’d feel everything. That was probably when the feeling of emptiness would set.
“I’ll call you everyday,” you said, hugging Alexia’s left arm tightly. “It will be like I’m still in Barcelona with you.”
Alexia chuckled, “You don’t have to call me everyday, cariño.”
You turned your head towards your best friend. “Are you saying you don’t want me to call everyday?”
“Don’t twist my words!” Alexia laughed. “It’s just that I don’t want you to feel pressured to have to call me everyday. You’re a busy woman. I’m the one who waits for you whenever you have night shifts and I watch enough of your Meredith Grey shows to know how busy things at the hospital can be.”
You snickered at her mention of Grey’s Anatomy. Alexia would always complain about how unrealistic the show was whenever you put it on, yet she still stayed by your side and watched the damn thing. You placed your head back on her shoulder and sighed. “I don’t care if I’m busy, I’ll always make time for you.”
Alexia gulped. It was the way you said it, your voice small, yet your tone firm, as if a world where you didn’t have time for her was just impossible. “I love you, you know.”
Alexia furrowed her brows when you didn’t answer straight away like you always did. She was about to open her mouth to say something, when you pulled away and stood up, stretching your hand out for her to take.
“Do you want to head back?” Alexia asked.
“No,” you cleared your throat. “Let’s just walk around. The sand is making me itchy.”
“It’s because you’re wearing shorts,” Alexia took your hand and stood up. “I told you you can sit on my lap, you didn’t listen.”
You dusted off the sand from the back of your legs. “Didn’t want to.”
“Why? It’s comfy.”
“How would you know? You’ve never sat on your own lap before,” you said, your tone teasing.
“Idiota.”
You kept walking along the beach, swinging your arms back and forth. It was quiet, but nice. Just the two of you, enjoying each other’s presence. Alexia felt her heart twinge when she realized that she didn’t know when she’d have another moment like this with you.
“Y/n,” Alexia spoke up after a few moments.
You hummed in reply.
This felt really nice, the way your hands were intertwined… Your shoulders bumping every now and then… Everything felt so right. Alexia took a deep breath and tried her best to not let herself get too emotional. She didn’t want to cry just yet, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop if she did.
“Ale, what were you going to say?”
“I’m in love with you.”
Alexia immediately shook her head, reminding herself not to let those words slip. She looked down and focused on the way her feet were kicking the sand with every step she took forward. “Nothing.”
You brought Alexia’s hand up to your lips and kissed the back of it. It was something you always did, but it still made Alexia’s heart drop every time.
Maybe it was because the gesture had always made Alexia fall for you even more, or maybe it was because Alexia knew the platonic way it meant to you when Alexia wanted more than that.
“I know you, Ale,” you stopped walking and turned towards her. “You’re thinking about something.”
“Hm? What makes you think so?”
You poked Alexia’s forehead softly. “You have that crinkle between your brows. And you’ve been biting your lip for the past few minutes.”
Alexia hated the fact that you knew her so well, because it meant that she could never hide anything from you. The only thing Alexia successfully kept hidden were her feelings for you. Apart from that, you knew her better than anyone, and she was the same to you.
Having known each other for more than two decades was a factor, but Alexia felt like it was simply because you were soulmates.
Alexia realized that no matter how hard she tried to move on from you, you would always be the one for her. Even though you didn’t feel the same way, she knew it would never change how she felt about you. She made her peace with it.
“It’s nothing,” Alexia said once more. “I swear.” You seemed to take the hint and didn’t pry further.
You tugged her hand and continued on walking, Alexia turning her head to the side every now and then, observing you. It was dark, the street lights were dim, and the moonlight wasn’t too bright, yet Alexia can still mention every little detail of your face—she had memorized them all after years of looking at you—from your warm eyes, to the delicate bridge of your nose, and the curve of your small lips. You were so beautiful that Alexia always felt breathless every time she looked at you, despite having known you since you were kids.
In that moment, with you humming along to a random song, your right hand interlocked with Alexia’s left one, there was nothing Alexia wanted more than to just confess her feelings for you. But she knew that you didn’t feel the same way, so telling you would just be pointless.
You turned your head to look at Alexia, catching her staring at you with that look on her face, the one look that you never could quite comprehend. When your lips formed a soft smile, Alexia couldn’t help but instantly reciprocate. Your smile was beautiful.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” you asked, your tone bashful.
“I’m in love with you.”
“I’m so, so in love with you.”
“I’m so in love with you that my heart hurts every time you smile.”
Alexia shrugged. “Just thinking about how I will miss you a lot.”
“Ah,” you nodded. “So that was what you were thinking about earlier?”
“No. I was thinking about how I’m so hopelessly in love with you.”
“You got me,” Alexia replied instead.
You sighed, squeezing her hand. “I’ll miss you too. At least you have a million pictures of me in your phone that you can look at if you’re missing me.”
Alexia laughed at that. “You better have a million pictures of me too.”
“Of course, I do,” you snickered. “Even you in diapers, I have them all.”
“No, you don’t!”
“I do! Eli sent them to me.” You had asked Eli for pictures of baby Alexia and she didn’t disappoint. They were adorable, especially the one where Alexia was learning how to crawl, wearing nothing but her diapers.
“You better not show it to anyone.”
“I’ll post it on Instagram before I leave.”
Alexia rolled her eyes, “You’re such a brat sometimes.”
“I’m such a brat?” you let go of Alexia’s hand to pull out your phone from your pocket. You stopped walking so Alexia stopped too, arms crossed, waiting for whatever it was you were doing.
After a few seconds of you scrolling silently through your phone, you flashed your screen to Alexia, showing the picture you mentioned before. “Want to say that again, Putellas?”
“You’re so annoying,” Alexia groaned. “I swear to god if you post that—”
“Watch me.” Your face was smug.
“Y/n,” Alexia said slowly, her tone full of warning.
You grinned, tapping something on the screen before you started running. The sound of your laughter getting smaller and smaller as you ran further away.
“That little—” Alexia cursed under her breath before she started running after you. “Tonta! Come back!”
“No!” Your figure was getting tinier and tinier that Alexia couldn’t help but laugh along.
Eventually, Alexia was able to catch up with you once you stopped running. Your hands were on your hips, trying to catch your breath.
“Why are you making me exercise at one in the morning?” Alexia asked, exhaling loudly.
You shrugged in reply, still out of breath. Alexia had always been the more athletic one out of the two of you. “Just wanted to run.”
“I’m so tired,” Alexia groaned. “Training was tough today.”
You rolled your eyes. You knew she was just being dramatic. “That was nothing. You need to exercise more, Ale.”
“The nerve!” Alexia barked out a laugh. “Who’s the athlete here?”
“Not you if that run tires you out.”
Alexia smiled fondly at you. You get on her nerves a lot. She wouldn’t have it any other way. “Now what did you do? Did you post that on Instagram? Because I’ll kill you, idiota.”
“Oh no, I’m sooo scared,” you mockingly said, a pout on your lips. “Oh nooo.”
Alexia narrowed her eyes at you before she stepped forward and tickled your stomach.
“What are you—Alexia! Ale-Alexia stop it! Stop it right now!”
“Not until you delete that picture!” Alexia kept on tickling you. “Delete it!”
You were both laughing and Alexia didn’t show any signs of stopping until you tripped. You would’ve fallen to the ground if it weren’t for Alexia’s quick reflexes, her arms immediately encircling around your waist.
You were staring at each other, your breath heavy from all the laughter that had long died out. Alexia felt dizzy. Your lips were so close to hers, Alexia could just lean forward and all her questions about how your lips taste would be answered. Alexia saw you blinking back a couple of times, she even swore she saw your eyes dart to her lips.
The street lights were illuminating your features perfectly and Alexia could see your lips twitching slightly—as if you wanted to close the distance between you too.
Suddenly your phone rang, breaking you two apart. You cleared your throat and answered your phone.
Alexia let out the deep breath she was holding, rubbing the back of her neck. She had a feeling that she would kiss you if the phone rang a second too late, which would be a disaster. She was thankful to whoever called, because she would never forgive herself if she ruined your friendship just because of her stupid feelings.
“Sorry,” you said. “That was Leila, just asking what time I’d be at the airport tomorrow.”
“Right.” There it was again, the unsettling feeling in her stomach every time Leila was mentioned. Alexia swallowed hard, trying her best not to show her jealousy. She was the one who introduced you to Leila when you joined a night out with the Barcelona girls. Alexia didn’t know that you two would hit it off. She didn’t know that Leila would move to Manchester and shockingly, you got offered a job at one of the best hospitals in Manchester.
It felt like the universe was playing some cruel joke.
Alexia had to keep reminding herself that you weren’t hers, that you had every right to be with whoever you wanted. Alexia had no right to be jealous.
“That’s very cool, by the way,” Alexia said, putting her hands in the pockets of her jeans. “How you two are somehow going to the same country, same city.”
“Yeah, Codi said it was fate or something.”
Fate? Me tripping over your leg at the playground when we were five was fate. Me immediately crying and you wiping my tears away until my mom came was fate. That was meant to happen because it made my mom invite you and your mom over for dinner, and it made us become best friends ever since. That was fate. Leila going to the same city as you was merely a coincidence.
“Sure,” Alexia said, swallowing the bitterness in her mouth. “If that’s what you think.”
You sighed. “I don’t know. Ask me again in a year or so and I’ll tell you if Leila and I are fated or not.”
Alexia didn’t answer, instead she just kept on staring at you, taking in the sight of you standing in front of her for the last time.
In the morning, you were leaving. You’d have a new life in Manchester, one that Alexia wouldn’t be a big part of, seeing how she was all the way in Barcelona.
Alexia tried to bury deep, deep inside the pain that kept on reappearing every now and then, but it was getting increasingly difficult with the way you looked back at her—your eyes full of tenderness, as if you felt the same way Alexia did, as if it killed you to not be able to say exactly what you wanted to say.
But Alexia shrugged it off. There was no time to think about these made-up scenarios in her head. You were leaving soon.
Alexia stepped forward and hugged you as tight as she could, wanting to remember the way you felt in her embrace.
—
You kept your promise and called Alexia everyday. It lasted for two months before things became more hectic for the two of you and the daily calls stopped. In your defense, you really did try your best, but some days you had late night shifts and when you didn’t, you had date nights with Leila.
“Cariño! I haven’t heard your voice in two days! That is crazy. I was wondering if you were still alive.”
“Ha ha. So funny, Alexia.”
“Such a busy woman.”
Alexia was thriving even more if that was even possible, scoring more goals and assists, earning her more media duties and appearances. She was busy too.
You would catch her on your television sometimes, an interview or replays of her games. You were used to it, you knew Alexia before and after her rise to fame. But without the back and forth texts, without the calls and hearing her voice, without having her next to you, Alexia had never felt so out of reach.
“Hey, is it a bad time?”
“Hola, princessa. ‘m about to sleep. So tired. Call me tomorrow?”
“Okay, Ale. Sweet dreams.”
“Love you.”
Weeks with limited communication turned into months and the next thing you knew, you went from knowing everything about Alexia’s life, to finding out she had a girlfriend from your girlfriend.
Apparently Olga was a mutual friend. Leila had only good things to say about her.
You called Alexia that night, asking her about it. She didn’t have much to say, a tell-tale sign that she was uncomfortable, but why she was uncomfortable you couldn’t decipher it.
“Is she good to you at least?”
“Yeah.”
“Does she make you happy?”
“Sí.”
“Then that’s all that matters.”
For the first time since you’ve known her, you felt like a stranger in Alexia’s life. You couldn’t tell exactly when things changed. It must’ve been the depleting texts sent each day, the less and less phone calls until it went down to none at all for a week or two, and when you two did have time for a call, it felt… awkward.
The first argument started when Alexia casually joked about how you were so busy and you didn’t have time for her anymore, how you have a more exciting life now in Manchester. She was laughing but you just got off a twelve hour shift at work and you were exhausted.
“Like you’re not the same?” you fired back, feeling a headache coming through.
Instead of changing the subject like you hoped she would, Alexia rebutted your claim. “I do have time for you.”
You let out a laugh. “Between football and your new girlfriend? You don’t, Ale. Don’t act otherwise.”
“Wow. Okay.”
You seemed to instantly snap out of it at the tone of her voice. Alexia sounded hurt and for a second, you felt guilty for starting a fight. But what she said hurt you too, because even though she said it in a joking way, you knew she meant it.
“Sorry,” you sighed. “Can we talk tomorrow? I’m not in the mood.”
“Right, yeah. Bye.”
The arguments seemed to snowball after that first one. Your calls were still rare, but when you or Alexia forced yourselves to call the other, it didn’t end well.
That should be the first warning sign for you—how you felt forced to call her when you used to want to hear her voice all the time.
“How was your day?”
“It was fine.”
“Can you at least act like you’re excited to talk to me?”
“If we’re just going to fight, Ale, you shouldn’t have called.”
“Whatever. Good night.”
The next thing you knew, there wasn’t a call that went by without some small, unimportant argument.
It got worse when you told her you weren’t staying for only one year as originally planned. You liked it here in Manchester. You had a good job and you were surrounded by wonderful people.
Alexia ignored you for the whole day only to call you early in the morning, her voice raspier than usual. You knew that meant she spent the night crying.
“You don’t know when you’ll be back?”
“I don’t know when I’ll be back in Barcelona, no.”
“How am I supposed to go for… what? Another year without you? Two years? More?”
“You’ve been doing just fine so far. I don’t see the problem, Ale.”
“I miss you every night that you're not here. I don’t think that's doing ‘fine’.”
“Oh c’mon. We haven't been the same.”
“Just because we haven’t been talking as much doesn’t mean that I love you less, but whatever.”
It got even worse when you were supposed to fly back to Spain for Alexia’s birthday, but you had to cancel at the last minute because you were stuck with an emergency case at the hospital.
In hindsight, it was a stupid reason, something you could totally resolve by having one of your co-workers take over for you. But your mind went into overdrive, you somehow convinced yourself that you couldn’t leave the country.
Maybe it was out of fear of seeing Alexia again, not wanting to see how the distance had changed your dynamics.
Alexia’s reaction when you told her you weren’t going to be there hurt more than you could admit.
“You’d never miss my birthday and I’d never miss yours. That was a promise.”
“We were seven, Alexia.”
Alexia didn’t say anything else and you didn’t need to see her face to know how dejected she was. You ignored the pain in your chest, convincing yourself that you were doing the right thing. You didn’t need to fly for more than two hours for someone’s birthday.
The old you would’ve screamed at you if she knew what you were doing. Alexia wasn’t just someone. She was… she was your everything and more.
When midnight rolled around and you would usually be next to Alexia, wishing her a happy birthday with a present in hand, and instead you were all the way in Manchester, you felt that maybe you were dumb to let the arguments get in your head.
You took a deep breath and texted her a happy birthday. You weren’t sure if she would pick up if you called.
Alexia didn’t reply to your text until noon that day, saying how she was off to celebrate with her family as usual and she’d call you after dinner. She didn’t mention Olga, but you knew she was there from Alba.
You sat in your apartment alone in the dark, Leila was out with her friends. It was only then that it dawned on you how lonely you were. You couldn’t imagine how Alexia was feeling—that was, if she still cared about you.
You had been there for Alexia’s birthday ever since she turned six years old. You didn’t think that you’d ever miss one, ever. But here you were.
It was weird to see Olga in place of you, seated between Eli and Alba as she grinned at Alexia blowing the candles out.
That used to be you.
Instead, you were in a different country, wishing you were at a place where someone else had claimed your spot.
When it was way after dinner time and you still hadn’t heard from Alexia even though she said she’d call, you decided to send her a text. Something short and straight to the point: can I call you?
Alexia didn’t reply and you fell asleep with a feeling so hollow in your chest, you wondered if love was supposed to hurt this bad.
stop making promises you can’t keep, alexia
The loud ringing of your phone woke you up. You didn’t think that you’d see an incoming call from Alexia this early.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Hello to you too, Ale.” Your tone was curt. In your defense, you had just woken up.
“You’re picking a fight,” Alexia stated. “I don’t know why, but it’s not nice.”
“Picking a fight?” You scoffed in disbelief. “Is this about my text? I was simply telling you to stop making promises, because you can’t keep them. You told me you’d call me, you didn’t.”
You said it so accusatory that Alexia felt a sudden rush of anger. “You’re being ridiculous. I fell asleep. I’m calling you now, aren’t I?”
“I’m being ridiculous? Is it not me who had to wait for hours for your call?”
Alexia let out a bitter laugh. “Saying all that like I don’t usually have to wait hours and hours for you too?”
“Well, you’re the one with the empty promises. You promised me that things won’t be different between us, well. Look at us now.”
“That’s not entirely my fault and you know it. If we’re playing that game, you said you’d call me everyday, you said you’d always have time for me. Look at us now, cariño!”
Alexia never raised her voice at you. That was how you knew things were truly different now. “I was busy. Some days I have twelve hour shifts, Alexia,” you replied simply, not wanting to raise your voice too.
“Busy,” Alexia scoffed at you. “But you still have time to watch Leila’s games every week.”
You immediately felt defensive at the mention of your girlfriend’s name. “Why are you dragging Leila into this?”
Alexia was about to give you a piece of her mind, about how having a quick call with her wasn’t as time consuming as watching a 90-minute football game, but you still had more to say.
“Leila has nothing to do with us turning into… into this mess!” So much for not wanting to raise your voice at her. “Besides, you have Olga too. You spent all your time with her and forgot the plans we made first.” You fired back at her, a part of you hated that Olga took your place, that Olga was able to be in Barcelona next to Alexia, doing all the things you used to do.
People would think you were jealous, but you weren’t. You just didn’t like her. You didn’t like that she was taking up too much of Alexia’s time. That wasn’t jealousy.
“What plans? If I forgot something, then tell me. I’m not a fucking mind reader, Y/n.”
“What was I supposed to do? Ask you to pick between Olga and I? Why would I do that when I know you’ll pick her!”
(You might sound a little crazy. But you wouldn't admit that to anyone. In your defense, it was hard being demoted to second choice.)
“What’s your problem with Olga?” Alexia accused you, she knew you all too well.
“I have no problem with her. What's your problem with Leila?”
“Don’t change the subject. I was once your best friend, I know you more than anyone, and I know how you usually are when you don’t like someone.”
The use of past tense shouldn’t hurt as much as it did. You knew things had changed between you. “Glad to know you don’t think we’re best friends anymore.”
Alexia let out an exhale. “You haven’t been acting like you’re my best friend for sometime. Don’t act all innocent.”
“Even though we haven’t been talking much, you’re still my person. But since I don’t seem to matter to you anymore, I’ll just…” you trailed off, suddenly feeling stupid for all of this.
Alexia could feel that familiar tug in her heart, the feeling of wanting to make everything in the world right for you.
But for once, she casted it aside. The anger she had at you overpowering everything. “I don’t think I matter to you anymore either, so I guess we’re even.”
There was a pause before you utter your next words. “You matter the most to me.”
Alexia could only scoff. “Sure, you have done such a great job of showing that I matter to you—you couldn’t even spare five minutes of your precious 24 hours to talk to me!”
Deep down, you knew that. You knew that you were guilt-tripping Alexia when you had your faults too.
None of you said anything else. For once, in the two decades that you’ve known each other, you both didn’t know what to say—had nothing else to say.
When all Alexia could come up with was “I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re really hurting me this time,” you knew you had to put an end to all of this.
“I think we should just… take a break from all of this.”
Alexia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. You didn’t think you had it in you to say those words either. Even though the conversations between you two had diminished, saying that you wanted to stop talking to each other felt so… final.
“What?”
“I’m tired, Ale.”
“You don’t think I’m tired too?” you could hear the urgency in her voice. “What does that even mean? ‘Take a break from all this’? You want a break from me, you mean? What ever happened to ‘you’re my person, Alexia?’” Alexia mimicked your voice. She was getting angrier by the second, you could tell.
“You told me I’m hurting you! I’m tired of hurting you. I didn’t even realize it, Ale. I never wanted that. All we’ve been doing is fighting each other. I don’t know how to stop this. I don’t see a solution to this, I really don’t.”
Neither of you knew where it went wrong. One day you two were fine—you two loved each other more than anything in this world—the next thing you knew, you couldn’t hold up a conversation where it didn’t end with exasperated voices and tired sighs.
It was the distance, you assumed.
You and Alexia were attached at the hip. The only time you two went separate ways was when she had away games and international duties.
It was a two and a half hour flight between Barcelona and Manchester, but neither of you had made the trip to see one another. Alexia seemed even more far away as the days went by.
She had Olga to turn to now, you could feel her not needing you anymore.
It was the distance that took Alexia away from you, you would convince yourself that. It wasn’t the nameless feeling in your chest that felt a lot like yearning, jealousy, and regret all at once.
You ended the call, not knowing whether you’d ever talk to Alexia again.
—
Losing someone that had always been a constant in your life was devastating.
It was miserable. You were the most miserable you had ever been.
Leila kept on asking you what was wrong, your friends in Barcelona updating her that Alexia was in the same state as you. Not that you cared.
You didn’t know how to live without Alexia in your life, but you’d manage. You’d learn. This wasn’t the end of the world.
You steered clear of your social media, not wanting to see any posts of her from your mutual friends or from the Barcelona account.
Leila and a couple of your friends eventually stopped asking you about what went wrong with Alexia, to which you were glad, but the emptiness you felt when no one brought Alexia up to you was starting to make you uneasy.
Alexia used to be in all your conversations, she was a huge part of your life. Now it felt like she was never a part of it.
A few months passed by, your birthday rolled around and you assumed—you wished—that Alexia would break this silence between you two. It was your birthday after all.
But you should’ve known how stubborn she was.
When you stayed up until the clock strikes midnight and there was no text from Alexia, when she used to pride herself on being the first person to wish you a happy birthday, you knew you had lost her for good.
You spent your birthday with pain in your chest like no other. You just wanted Alexia back.
Your friends in Manchester knew something was up with you, Leila figured that it was mostly because of Alexia. None of them could understand why it was upsetting you so much.
That night, you sat on your balcony and looked through the folder of pictures on your phone that contained decades worth of memories of Alexia. With each scroll, you could feel more tears running down your cheeks.
There was a photo of you when you were ten, Alexia next to you laughing at how ugly your haircut was.
Another photo was of you at prom, Alexia as your plus one. Despite the countless promposals you received, you’d rather have Alexia as your date than the stinky boys at your school.
When Alexia got called up for the national team for the first time, you were there with Eli to watch her score her first international goal. The photo you had was of her carrying you on her back. It was after the game ended and Alexia had too much energy that she had to carry you around the field.
The next photo was of Alexia sleeping at the library, you were studying for your exams when you were in University and Alexia had the day off. To her, nothing was better than spending it with you, even if it meant that she had to sit there and watch you study boring stuff. Alexia always had faith that you were going to be the best doctor in Barcelona.
You had a photo of when you flew across continents to watch her win the World Cup, grinning next to Alexia as she kissed your cheek, trophy in hand.
A photo of when she tore her ACL and you were there at her bedside as she was preparing to go into surgery. Alexia didn’t let go of your hand until she was in front of the operating room.
A photo of you and Alexia in a locker room, both in Barcelona jerseys. It was the day before your exam, but it was also the Champions League final. You brought your textbook and Alba kept on laughing when you studied during half-time.
Most photos were of Alexia doing mundane things. They meant the most to you because of how carefree she looked in all of them.
Alexia making stupid faces at you as you grocery shopped together.
Alexia laughing next to you in the driver seat as she drove you to work.
Alexia cooking dinner for the two of you, her eyebrows scrunching in concentration as she read the ingredients from her new cookbook.
Alexia sipping coffee in your favourite coffee shop in Barcelona. They served the best banana bread, you never wanted to share them with anyone, not even Alexia.
Alexia watching replays of her games on her iPad. She was laying down on your couch, your throw blanket draped over her feet.
Alexia smiling at you with that look.
As you reached the last picture you had on the album, a photo of Alexia taken by you the morning you left for Manchester—she was on the driver seat, a wistful smile on her face as she turned to look at you during a red light—you suddenly felt as if you couldn’t breathe.
You were in love with Alexia.
You were so desperately in love with Alexia, you had always been, ever since you let her become your first kiss.
You didn’t like any of Alexia’s relationships, because you were jealous. You thought none of her girlfriends could treat her well, no one lived up to your expectations. You felt like you were the only one who could understand her.
You hugged the blanket around yourself tighter, the gust of wind making your teeth chatter. You wanted Alexia there next to you, she would know that you were never a fan of the cold, always making sure that you were bundled up and warm.
You had a million thoughts running through your mind, mostly about how you missed all the signs of being in love with your best friend. Although deep down, you’ve always known that what you felt for Alexia was too intense to be strictly platonic.
But when someone kissed you, having it meant the world to you, only for her to wish it never happened, you felt like it was justifiable that you decided to lock your feelings away.
Now that you’ve uncovered them, you didn’t know how to go on and pretend that you were fine with having Alexia out of your life.
—
Barcelona was playing against Manchester City at the Etihad. This wasn’t something you could get out of, you needed to be there to support Leila.
You had some friends traveling to Manchester to watch the match, you decided to sit with them instead of your usual spot at the Friends and Family section. You wanted—no, you needed someone to distract you from the person you hadn’t seen in almost two years.
You ignored your friends’ teasing at your Man City jersey instead of the Blaugrana colour (with Alexia’s name and number) you usually wore. They didn’t mention Alexia to you, having figured out the fallout, but a part of you wanted them to. You wanted them to tell you about Alexia and how she’d been doing.
Your resolve almost crumbled, Alexia’s name on the tip of your tongue. If it wasn’t for the players entering the field and the loud cheers from the audience, you would’ve asked them about Alexia.
Alexia, who was no longer blonde apparently. You saw her run to the field, her brown hair in a neat ponytail. Even from afar you could still see her smile. You hated that you still felt like jumping off a cliff at the sight.
You hated that your gaze was always drawn to her instead of your girlfriend.
Later when the game ended and Barcelona eventually won, you went to meet Leila at the barrier, whispering how great she played despite it all.
You almost accepted her invite to a night out with some of the Barcelona girls. The temptation to see Alexia again was so strong, but you didn’t think you were ready yet.
You saw her anyway, in your dreams that night. Maybe it was that deep yearning that caused you to text her as soon as you woke up.
good game yesterday. always proud of you
—
Your reconciliation didn’t happen all at once.
You didn’t magically go back to being the same as you were before (there was some apprehension from both parties), but it was close enough.
It was scarily easy to integrate Alexia back into your life even though you hadn’t talked to each other for so long.
First it was the likes on Instagram posts, or a reply to your Instagram story of gloomy Manchester sky, or a comment on Alexia’s post of her match day outfit.
Then the texts started. A simple text from Alexia telling you that she was through to the finals of the Euros. Or a text from you containing a picture of your cat, Mr. Oreo. They were evenly spaced out throughout your week, it wasn’t too often that it felt like you two were rushing back into being friends, but it wasn’t too scarce to leave you wanting more.
It was just perfect.
The striking difference now was that you were letting yourself fall for her. Every joke she made, every selfie she sent you, you took your time to admire her and let yourself fall even more.
Now that you were very much aware of your feelings, it didn’t feel right to continue what you had with Leila.
You loved her, but you must not have loved her enough because you were still able to think of another woman.
You ended it with Leila on a Tuesday. She didn't have a game until Sunday and you figured that was enough time for her to not be distracted. Surprisingly, Leila took it well, as if she knew this was coming all along.
And it felt like the universe was laughing at you, because after you broke up with Leila, you received a text from Alexia.
I’m getting married
You felt your heart drop. You had to put your phone back in your pocket because your hands were trembling badly.
You were suddenly desperate to do something, anything, before it was too late.
Even though a part of you felt like it was already too late.
—
Alexia arrived at the airport three hours early. She spent those three hours walking from one end to the other, flowers in hand. Her hands shaking and her mind racing with the thoughts of finally seeing you again.
She passed by the exact spot you said your goodbyes two years ago, both of you holding back your tears as you exchanged promises that things would be okay. The moment you walked away and went out of sight, Alexia finally let her tears fall, feeling that a part of her left alongside you.
In the middle of pacing around the airport, Olga called, and Alexia felt guilty because her mind was preoccupied with thoughts of you. She instantly buried the feeling of discomfort the moment Olga talked about their wedding.
Alexia was getting married to Olga. Her mind shouldn’t picture you the moment weddings are mentioned. She closed her eyes and bid Olga goodbye, not remembering what her fiancé called her about.
You were her best friend. Nothing more. Why was it that even after years apart, her heart still ached and yearned for you?
Hours later, when you texted her to let her know that you’ve landed, Alexia made her way to the gate. She stood there, flowers tightly in hand, tapping her foot anxiously.
You two had been slowly rebuilding your friendship. You texted each other, but never a phone call, and Alexia was nervous to hear your voice again after going such a long time without it.
Alexia was the first to spot you. You were dragging your suitcase, looking from side to side, as if urgently searching for something. And the moment your eyes found hers, your entire body lit up—the whole airport could tell that you finally found what you were looking for.
Everything drowned out and to Alexia nothing else seemed to matter anymore, her only focus was on you. On how your eyes shone with happiness and how your lips slowly curved into the smile that Alexia had missed so much. When you were finally in front of her, something clicked within her, and every hurt, every anger, every sadness she had felt because of you disappeared and she was left with the feeling of nothing but love and fondness for the girl standing in front of her.
You were here and no matter how hard Alexia tried, she couldn’t feel half of what she felt with you with anyone else.
“Alexia, hi.”
Alexia didn’t say anything back, instead she immediately embraced you, hugging you with everything she had. She leaned down and buried her face in the crook of your neck, closing her eyes and squeezing you even more—just savoring the moment of finally having you there again.
Alexia thought back to the last time she hugged you, trying to remember every single detail—from the way your arms were wrapped around Alexia’s neck, to the way your breath tickled her ear—trying to decide whether anything had changed.
And when you kissed the side of Alexia’s head, laughing into her ears because she wouldn’t let go, Alexia decided that no matter how many years had passed and no matter how many arguments you two got into, your hug still felt the same.
—
Alexia,
The moment that has always replayed in my head for years is the night of your 18th birthday. We went to the beach after dinner and crashed someone’s party, and we both got really drunk. It was fun but the thing that made that night so memorable was because it was the first time someone kissed me and that person was you.
The moment it happened, it felt like everything fell into place, you know? I understood why even my five year old self hated seeing you cry and just wanted to protect you from everything so you’ll never cry again. I understood why out of all the people in the room, my eyes always search for yours. I love you, Alexia. It’s always been you.
I was the happiest I’ve ever been that night. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world for being able to be in your arms.
But when you woke up the next day saying that you wished that night never happened, it felt like the missing puzzle piece in my heart that you completed the night before disappeared again.
Ever since then, I tried so hard to fill this gaping hole in my heart. I made it my life’s mission to go out there and meet the most perfect girl in the world just to try and replicate what I felt for you. But every time I’m with someone, every time I’m face to face with some perfect girl, your face appears and I’m reminded that they’re not you.
I love you, Alexia. I love you more with all the ups and downs we’ve had. I love every part of you and I love you with every beat of my heart.
I think I’ve always known that I was in love with you. I was just never brave enough to label it as that. So I didn’t. It wasn’t until recently that I realized: I couldn’t just sit here and watch you marry someone else.
You could call it selfish, but I wasn’t going to risk the slightest possibility of you feeling the same way that I do.
I know Olga loves you, but I also know that she’ll never love you as much as I do.
To quote your favourite poet:
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams”
If you think that this is all wrong, please just ignore it, and I promise I’ll never talk about this again. But if you somehow feel the same, meet me at our usual spot at the beach tonight, 10 p.m.
Yours always,
y/n
—
It wasn’t like you didn’t know this would happen. This was why you never wanted to risk your friendship because of some silly feelings. You knew Alexia wouldn’t feel the same, your confession would go to waste, and you would be sitting on the beach, alone at night, waiting for someone who was never going to show up.
You thought of calling Alexia, to ask her what she thought of your letter. But you decided against it, this was humiliating enough.
Maybe Alexia was embarrassed? Maybe she felt bad for you. Maybe she didn’t know how to talk to you now, knowing that you had all these feelings for her. Or maybe Alexia just didn’t want to talk to you anymore.
You let out a big sigh and buried your face in your hands. You didn’t know what you were thinking. All those years of friendship… that was all it was: friendship. You should’ve known.
You checked your phone again. Nothing. No texts or calls.
You let out a laugh. Alexia wasn’t stuck in traffic nor was she late, she was simply not coming.
Feeling your eyes start to well up with tears, you took a deep breath before standing up. You didn’t plan on going back to your parents’ house just yet, stupidly enough a part of you still had hope that Alexia was going to show up. You needed to walk around and distract yourself, sitting in the same spot that contained so many memories of her wasn’t helping.
You took another glance at your phone, and when there was still nothing, you wished your heart wasn’t so weak when it came to Alexia.
—
Alexia never believed in fate or anything.
To be fair, she was five years old and watching movies where the princess always ended up with the prince and lived happily ever after seemed too good to be true.
That was until she met you.
You, who had your little legs outstretched on the grass as you snack on your cookies. You, who didn’t hesitate to wipe away Alexia’s tears when she tripped on your legs. You, who kept on apologizing even though it wasn’t your fault that Alexia wasn’t looking at where she was going, but you were trying to make her feel better.
You had been a constant in her life ever since then, with your wise wisdoms and never-ending ability to make Alexia laugh.
Alexia then understood that fate and destiny really did exist, because it was fate that brought Alexia to the playground at that exact moment—at that exact second—so she could meet you.
When Alexia lost you, she didn’t want to believe in fate anymore, because why was the universe so cruel that it left her on the floor of her apartment, crying and begging for you to come back.
You disappeared from Alexia’s life and Alexia saw firsthand how the world became gloomier, how her days seemed to drag on longer without your presence.
Just when Alexia completely lost all hope, the universe had other plans, and it was destiny that she left her phone in her hotel room that morning, because if she didn’t, her phone would be in her pocket as she was thrown to the swimming pool because Vicky and Esmee decided that playing a prank on their captain was a brilliant idea. Her phone would be ruined and she wouldn’t be greeted with a text message from you.
A simple text telling Alexia that you were proud of her, but it left her breathless because she hadn’t talked to you in a year. You two had no contact for a year, yet you were still proud of her. Like always.
Fate, destiny, the universe, and all of that had brought you to her, took you away, then brought you back.
It was also fate that made Alexia reach down into her purse and open the envelope you’d given her before parting ways earlier—something tugging in her heart, screaming at her to read the letter you wrote to her, even though she told herself that she would do it after you’ve left the city.
And sometimes, the universe had a sense of humour, because at that moment, as Alexia finished reading the last sentence of your handwriting, her fiancé appeared in the doorway of their shared bedroom.
“Alexia?”
“I’m sorry.”
—
The only thought Alexia had as she drove over the speed limit was to hope that you were still there, waiting for her. Just like what you had been doing all of these years.
All of those wasted years where you two could be together if it weren’t for the doubts that forbade you from truly loving each other the way you were meant to.
“You’ve always loved her more than anything, Alexia. Even when she’s a thousand miles away, even when you two weren’t on speaking terms… She’s still the one you love the most. I could never compete with her.”
From this whole thing, Alexia was just sorry that she had to drag someone else into her mess. She would never forgive herself for saying “yes” to someone, knowing that her heart wasn’t fully in it.
“Olga, I never meant to make you feel like you were at constant competition with her. I really do love you.”
“But not as much as you love her.”
“I never planned on staying in love with her forever, I really did try to love someone else—with you. And I did. All these years together, I meant everything I said and everything I did.”
“I’ve always known that she would always come first to you, yet I still convinced myself that that would change one day. I know it made me a shitty person, but I was happy when you fought with her, because I thought that was finally it, you know? Finally you’d move on from her. But not even the fall out made you love her any less.”
Alexia would take whatever life will throw at her for hurting someone so deeply like she did to Olga.
But the only thing she could do right now was to find you and hoped that you were the happy ending fate had in store for her. The happy ending she’d dreamt of all this time.
—
When Alexia couldn’t find you at the beach, she figured she was too late. She tried calling and texting, but you weren’t replying to any of it.
So she went to your parents’ place, taking a slight detour to your favourite florist, picking up the bouquet they had ready, not wanting to waste another second away from you. Alexia figured you must’ve left thinking that she was rejecting you. Even if Alexia wasn’t in love with you anymore, she wouldn't have just let you sit there all alone, fearing the worst. She needed you to know that.
Your childhood home was dark and quiet. All the lights were off and Alexia remembered that your parents were in Mollet del Vallés, visiting your grandparents.
You weren’t here but Alexia wasn’t going anywhere else. She would just be there and wait for you—she had waited decades for you, a few hours would mean nothing. She sat down on the pavement, not caring how dirty her jeans were going to be, and pulled out her phone from her pocket. She called the only person she could think of.
It took a few more tries for Mapi to pick up, and once the call got connected, Alexia spoke into the phone, “I have a problem.”
Mapi’s voice was groggy. “It’s midnight, you dumbass. Can you call me later?”
“No, this is urgent.”
Alexia can feel Mapi roll her eyes on the other end of the line, “When Ingrid kills me for being too noisy and waking her up, I’m blaming it on you.”
“Well, in that case, I hope she does wake up then.”
“Tonta.”
“María,” Alexia let out a tired exhale. “Do you know where Y/n is?”
Mapi groaned in reply. “Estúpida. I was asleep, how should I know?”
Alexia pressed her hand over her eyes and groaned, “I think I screwed up.”
Just when Alexia was about to elaborate further, even though she knew Mapi was half asleep, someone called out her name. Someone whose voice sounded exactly like you.
“Ale?”
Alexia quickly opened her eyes. It really was you.
“Y/n.”
And there you were, standing in front of Alexia, head cocked to the side as if trying to figure out why Alexia was sitting there in front of your house at midnight.
Alexia quickly put her phone back to her ear, “Uhm, I’ll call you back—Tomorrow. I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight, María.” As soon as she ended the call, she quickly stood up.
Your arms were crossed over your chest, you were making yourself smaller, you looked so unsure of yourself that Alexia wanted nothing but to hug you and tell you that she loved you more than she’d ever loved anyone.
But all you had was apprehension written all over your face. Alexia understood. You must’ve thought that by her not showing up, Alexia didn’t feel the way you did. “What are you doing here?”
Alexia gulped. Now that you were in front of her, Alexia didn’t know what to say. “Did we really kiss on my 18th birthday?” Alexia blurted out.
“What?” You were confused and still reeling from the embarrassment of the whole thing. You couldn’t process what she said.
“I don’t remember it,” Alexia continued. “I swear. I swear on Messi.”
“What?” Your tone was full of surprise. “You don’t remember?”
“No,” Alexia sighed, looking at you wistfully. “I would never stop talking about it if I did.”
You went silent for a few seconds, your face full of confusion. Alexia let you take it all in. “You don’t remember,” you stated in a questioning tone. “But you said you wished it never happened.”
“I couldn’t have said that, because I don’t remember—”
“Oh my god, you don’t remember?” It was like you finally realized what that meant. “Oh my god,” you groaned, placing your hands over your face. “I spent years thinking—I convinced myself that I wasn’t in love with you because you rejected me—”
“I didn’t!” Alexia interjected. “I would never– I was so hopelessly in love with you.”
You looked at her and your face turned paler if that was even possible. Your mouth agape, as if you wanted to say something but you couldn’t. How could you? When your best friend was telling you that she—
“Wait,” you realized something. “Did you say ‘was’? As in past tense?” You felt the hope that grew plummet to the bottom of the stomach. You knew it was too good to be true. “Is that why you didn’t meet me earlier?”
“No… No, Y/n, I read your letter too late. I didn’t know you were waiting for me. I would’ve dropped everything in a heartbeat to get to you.”
“Oh.”
Suddenly you were laughing. Your laughter echoing throughout the empty neighbourhood. Alexia stared at you, unsure of what this meant but she couldn’t help the growing happiness in her heart with every laugh that escaped your lips. “I should’ve just texted you, right? I wanted to be romantic with the letter.”
Alexia shot you a comforting smile. At least fate brought you both here, to this moment.
After your laughter died down, you took a hesitant step forward. “But… do you really feel… the way that I do?”
Alexia sighed, being the one to close the gap between you and took your hands in hers. “If my years and years of pining weren't obvious, I feel the same. I’m in love with you. I still am. I never stopped, if we’re being honest. I broke things off with Olga, it wasn’t right to stay with her if my heart belonged to someone else. She deserves way better than some girl who was too much of a coward to confess that she’s in love with her best friend and ended up stringing her along for years, knowing that she would never love her the same.”
“So you…” you were at loss for words.
“I’m sorry, Y/n,” Alexia continued. “This whole thing is a mess. I need to cancel my wedding preparations, I have to talk to a lot of people, but the only thing I know right now is that… I can’t let you go again. You’re my soulmate, I’m sure of it. I’ve been sure of it ever since we were kids. I won’t love someone as much and as deeply as I love you. So… yeah.”
You didn’t reply to Alexia’s statement, instead you placed one hand on the back of Alexia’s neck and pulled her in for a kiss. Once your lips met, Alexia’s mind went to two things: how she never wanted to kiss anyone else in her life and how exactly did she forget your soft lips when they tasted like heaven?
Alexia’s hands wandered to rest on your neck, caressing the smooth skin that felt electric under her touch. Alexia’s mind was full with thoughts of you. Your lips on hers. Your hands around her waist. Your perfume engulfing her. Your nose brushing against hers. Your laugh vibrating against her lips.
Your lips curved upwards into a grin and Alexia could taste the happiness on your lips. She leaned forward once more for a peck on your smile and when you scrunch your nose in response, Alexia pressed another kiss to the tip of your nose.
“That was… everything I’ve ever dreamed of.” Alexia hoped that you couldn’t hear how erratic her heart was beating.
“We can take things slow,” you whispered against her lips.
“I’ve waited my whole life for you, I don’t want to take it slow,” Alexia whispered back. “But… I agree. We don’t have to rush this. We have the rest of our lives to make up for lost time.”
Suddenly your eyes drifted to the flowers on the pavement, raising your eyes at that. “Is that supposed to be for me?”
Alexia’s eyes widened when she realized the discarded flowers, quickly taking them and shoving them to you. “Uhm. Yes. These… these are for you.”
“They’re beautiful,” you replied, taking the flowers from her but your gaze never leaving her face. “Thank you.”
She pouted when she realized you hadn’t even glanced at it. “You didn’t even look at it!”
You grinned at her, leaning forward and wrapping an arm around her waist. Your face back in its favourite spot against her neck. “I bet they’re beautiful, just like you.”
“Okay, flirt.”
Alexia quickly stepped back when she noticed that the flowers were squeezed in between you two. “You’re ruining my flowers.”
“I’m not,” you scoffed. You looked down and scrunched your nose at the sight. At least they still had the beautiful pink colour intact, your favourite. “Okay, kind of. But that was your fault.”
Alexia took your hand that wasn’t holding the flower and brought it to her lips for a kiss. “How was it my fault?”
“I couldn’t resist hugging you.”
Alexia laughed and wrapped her arms around your shoulder. Swaying you side to side and sighing in content. Everything felt good. It felt like everything had fallen into place.
“Now you’re ruining the flowers even more!” your voice muffled with the way your face was squeezed into Alexia’s neck.
“I’ll get you new ones, mi amor. In fact, I’ll get you the whole shop.”
You laughed into her neck, placing a gentle kiss there. “I’m holding you on to that.”
Alexia hummed. “I love you, cariño. I missed you so much.”
“Me too,” you replied.
“Say it back,” Alexia prodded, placing her cheek on the top of your head.
“Huh?”
“I… love… you.” Alexia said slowly.
Alexia felt your giggles tickle her neck.
“Princessa, say it back.”
“You already know the answer anyway.”
“Mi vida.”
“Alexia. I love you too.”
Alexia did know the answer—she had heard you say it a million times over and over. Despite that, Alexia still wanted to hear it a million times more.
—
Alexia had been to Manchester before but it was still hard to keep up with how busy the airport was. She couldn’t spot you—not at first. All she could see was people rushing to get somewhere despite it being the early hours of the morning.
Alexia dragged her luggage to a secluded corner and pulled out her phone to give you a call. She put her phone to her ear and kept on looking around while waiting for you to pick up.
It was on the second ring when Alexia spotted you. You were sandwiched between people and you looked so small that Alexia would’ve missed you if she didn’t see the giant flower bouquet you were holding.
Once you answered the call, Alexia laughed into the speaker, feeling her heart grow ten times bigger with the amount of love she felt for you. Alexia still couldn’t believe she was finally here, just a few steps away from the person she had missed so much.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Because,” Alexia sighed in content. How did she spend so long convincing herself that she would be fine settling for someone other than you? “That bouquet is way bigger than you.”
As soon as Alexia said that, she saw you move your head in all directions trying to locate her. “You’re here. Where are you?”
“I am here.” Alexia stated, enjoying how clueless you looked.
“Alexia.”
“You always complain about how tall I am, how can you not see me?” Alexia kept her eyes on you—from your furrowed eyebrows to the small pout on your lips, one hand holding your phone to your ear and the other holding the flowers. She laughed even more when you kept on whining and your pout kept getting bigger as each second passed.
“You are annoying,” you groaned. “Can you just tell me where you are? I’m hungry.”
“Not because you miss me?” Alexia teased. “You only want me because I spoil you with lots of food.”
“Yes, that’s true!” you laughed. “So hurry up and tell me where you are so we can get food, Alexia Putellas Segura.”
“Ooh she’s using my full name now.”
“It’s because I’m getting impatient!”
Alexia laughed, finally dragging her luggage and walking towards your direction.
Once she was behind you, Alexia ended the call and tapped your shoulder, making you jump slightly. Alexia chuckled to herself at how ridiculous she was for finding everything you did adorable.
You immediately turned around and once recognition settled in, you squealed and jumped to hug her. “Alexia! You’re blonde again!”
“Mi amor! I missed you.”
When you broke apart, Alexia’s eyes started to well with tears. You were finally in front of her, smiling at her with your big smile and sparkly eyes. Two months without having you near felt so long.
“Baby,” you cooed. “Why are you crying?”
“Just emotional,” Alexia squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears from escaping. “I missed your stupid face.”
“No one will be able to guess that you're the crybaby in this relationship.”
Alexia scowled at you. She would never admit that she cried more than you. Besides, no one would be able to verify this fact because she never cried in front of anyone, except you. “I am not.”
“Sure. Can we get that breakfast now?”
Looking at you behind your big flower bouquet, Alexia felt breathless, only because she still couldn’t believe that you were hers. At the same time though, she felt like she was able to properly breathe again, because you were finally back in her arms.
—
“Hey, Ale?”
“Yeah?”
You sat on the passenger seat, absentmindedly playing with Alexia’s hand that wasn’t holding the steering wheel.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive?”
Alexia gave you a side glance. “Are you questioning my driving abilities? When it was me who drove you around most of your life.”
“Maybe,” you kissed the back of Alexia’s hand. “You’ve never driven outside of Spain before. I’m kind of scared right now. For my life and for my brand new car.”
Alexia laughed, “Driving is the same everywhere, amor.”
“Fine,” you leaned over the console and pressed a kiss to Alexia’s cheek. “I trust you.”
Alexia scrunched her nose in response. “Stop kissing me and tell me where I should go next instead.”
“Just keep on going straight,” you responded. “Then turn left.”
“Now?”
“Are you seeing any left turns right now?”
“You just told me to turn left,” Alexia whined. “You’re such a bad navigator.”
“You should’ve let me drive.”
“You must be tired from work,” Alexia let go of her hand that was in your grip to caress your face. “I just wanted to do something nice for you.”
You looked at Alexia, taking the her hand in yours again. “So thoughtful, always a gentlewoman. Thank you, Ale.”
“I am thoughtful huh.”
You poked your tongue out at her in response. “I should stop before your ego gets too big.”
Alexia grinned at you. “I think my ego has been big ever since I knew I was your first kiss.”
“Yeah, yeah,” you rolled her eyes playfully. “You’re my first kiss, Alexia Putellas Segura. Just like I am yours.”
“The one I don’t have a single memory of,” Alexia noted. “How could you let me forget what would be the most meaningful experience of my life?”
“It’s not my fault you’re a lightweight,” you pinched Alexia’s cheeks to which the blonde laughed in response. “But hey, at least I tried to remind you of that night, didn’t I? About a thousand times these past few days if I remember correctly.”
Alexia hummed in thought, puckering her lips. “I think I need the reminder once again.”
You giggled and kissed the palm of Alexia’s hand instead. “Later at home, okay? I can’t have you crashing my car.”
“I’d like that.” Alexia took a quick glance at you and smiled—one that reached her eyes, one that showed you just how happy she was.
But you were suddenly thinking of home and how you used it to describe your Manchester apartment, even though you never thought of it that way. That was, until Alexia came to visit, leaving her things scattered around like she always did in your old place in Barcelona.
You yearned for days like this, with Alexia driving you back home, eating takeout on the couch as you watched a football match you couldn’t care less about. You let Alexia talk your ear off, giving her commentary on the game, you nodding along like you were totally invested in it too.
Home.
Manchester had never felt like home. It was an apartment with all of your things, where you slept and showered and ate, but you never considered it to be your home.
Alexia visited one day and changed the meaning of the place entirely.
You lived here for years without Alexia, but you couldn’t imagine it without her anymore.
You looked at your best friend as she sang along to a Spanish song, she was so off-key. A grin instantly made its way to your lips.
Home was wherever Alexia was.
—
It was a no-brainer, really.
There was no reason to stay in Manchester when your heart lived in Barcelona.
It had been on your mind since you had to leave Alexia again as you boarded the plane back to Manchester a few months ago. It was the only thing you could think of as you waved goodbye to Alexia as she went back to Barcelona, her black cap and sunglasses covering her face, but you could tell there were tears running down her cheeks.
You knew she was scared that history would repeat itself and you two would argue again. But you also knew that it was different this time. There were no uncertain feelings in your chest, no other girl next to Alexia making you feel replaced. You were certain of your love for Alexia.
But it was time to come home. You knew that the moment Alexia kissed you for the second time.
You hadn’t told Alexia, but you were planning on coming back in a couple of months. You wanted it to be a surprise.
But the night before Alexia left, as you savoured the feeling of her pressed up against you, you came to the conclusion that you need to come back to Barcelona sooner than planned.
Having Alexia next to you felt so good. You missed it a lot. You knew you couldn’t stand even another month being away from her, so you changed your entire timeline and decided to move it up so you were coming back in two weeks.
You had a lot on your to-do list. It was a hassle to move away from the place you’ve lived in for years. It was even harder when you wanted to do it within a few weeks.
Alexia thought it was starting again—the space between you.
You didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
“Ale, you're just being a distraction right now.”
Which was true—you had less time to reply to texts and calls in between trying to get rid of your furniture and trying to cut your lease short—but Alexia didn't know that so it wasn’t the right word to use.
Out of context, it sounded harsh, and you figured you could’ve said it better.
Alexia ended the call abruptly and ignored all your texts for the rest of the day.
—
Turns out, Alexia decided to ignore you for a whole week. It was understandable, you royally screwed up, but the only thing that kept you from flying to Barcelona as soon as you figured out she was ignoring you was the thought that you were coming back soon. For good.
You left Manchester and years worth of memories behind on a Monday. Your parents welcomed you back with open arms and you spent the night eating your mother’s home cooked meal.
The next day, you knew Alexia had training until noon. So you went to a florist, bought the biggest bouquet of Alexia’s favourite flowers, and you met up with a Barcelona staff member with clear instructions that he was to give it to Alexia. And to make sure that she actually read the note attached to it.
Alexia, my love
Meet me at our spot at 4pm
You’re going to be done by that time, so you better show up
Yours,
y/n
—
You sat at your usual spot by the beach, the same spot where you got your heart broken a few months ago when Alexia didn’t show up. This time, instead of waiting for Alexia with dread and a heavy heart, all you felt was excitement at getting to see her again.
This time, you knew that Alexia loved you too and you didn’t have to worry about her not showing up.
Alexia loved you too and you weren't going to let her go. It was that thought that kept on repeating in your head, the one that propelled you to leave Manchester behind and come back to Barcelona. As much as you loved it over there, you knew it would never beat the feeling of having Alexia next to you.
You couldn’t wait to be with Alexia. Really be with her, not through a phone screen where her sleeping face would disappear once her phone ran out of battery.
“Amor?”
You craned your head as soon as you heard that voice. Alexia was still as beautiful as ever, despite only wearing some sweatpants and a hoodie that she stole from you when you were still in high school.
“Hi.” Alexia put her hand up in a little wave. You smiled because Alexia looked so nervous, it was adorable.
You stood up and walked towards her slowly, your face still amused at the way she was biting her lips—a nervous habit of hers. When you were inches apart you spoke, “Hi back. Why do you look so nervous?”
Alexia’s eyes drifted anywhere but you. “I’m not nervous.”
“You totally are,” you said, trying to catch her eyes. “Can I hug you?”
Alexia finally returned your stare and once your eyes met, Alexia’s entire posture softened and she leaned forward to engulf you in a hug.
“I missed you,” Alexia exhaled deeply. “It’s only been a few weeks but I missed you.”
You wrapped your arms around her neck, whispering that you missed her too. You breathed in her familiar scent and sighed. You felt at home.
“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” Alexia said once you broke apart.
You shrugged. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“Well, I am very surprised.” Alexia took your hands in hers. “I’m happy you’re here.”
“Can I kiss you now? Or are you still too nervous to do that?” you asked, your tone teasing. “ I can’t have you passing out on me.”
Alexia rolled her eyes, a small smile on her lips. “I’m not nervous.”
“So can I kiss you or not?” you asked once more, a grin on her face.
“Of course you can.”
And that was all you needed before you leaned forward and captured her lips with yours.
You kissed your girlfriend gently, you kissed her slowly while trying to convey just how much you missed her—how lonely your nights were without her to cuddle you to sleep and how cold your mornings were without her warm smile.
And when Alexia traced your bottom lip with her tongue, you couldn’t comprehend how fast your heart was beating. After countless kisses, you still felt the same way you did when Alexia first kissed you at eighteen—all fluttery as a thousand butterflies rummaged around your stomach.
Alexia’s lips on yours felt tingly, and Alexia’s hands that were caressing your waist felt like they had belonged there all along.
When you broke apart, Alexia’s hands stayed where they were, her forehead resting against yours while you both tried to catch your breath.
“I love you,” Alexia whispered. “I know I say that a lot, but I mean it every time.”
You hummed, your lips curling up into a smile. “I love you too.”
“I’m sorry, cariño, for ignoring you. I was just… sad, I guess.”
“No, I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have called you a distraction.”
“It’s just–” Alexia sighed, she was really beating herself up over this. “You’re supposed to tell me if you’re unhappy. I’m your girlfriend.”
You immediately shake your head. “I’m not unhappy—I could never be unhappy with you.”
“Then?”
You took a deep breath before continuing, “You were a distraction, but only because—Ale?”
Alexia blinked back, as if she didn’t quite understand what you said. She took a step away from your touch and turned her back towards you.
You were confused for a moment before you remembered how much of an overthinker she was.
“Ale. Baby,” you gently placed your hands on her shoulders and turned her around. Your heart broke at the sight of Alexia’s furrowed brows and the slight tremble in her bottom lips.
“Are you—Did you come back to break up with me?”
“Of course not,” you laughed. “Alexia—”
“Don’t—” Alexia tried to turn back around and leave, but you quickly grabbed her arms to prevent her from leaving.
“Alexia,” your hand travelled down to her hands, intertwining them with yours. “Look at me.”
You could see tears starting to well in her and you sighed at how much she resembled a kicked puppy. “Baby,” you cooed. “It’s nothing bad, c’mon, please don’t cry.”
“It’s not?” Alexia whispered out.
“No,” you flashed her a comforting smile. “I would never break up with you, you should know that by now.”
“Oh,” Alexia looked down, sniffling. “Then why? I’m a distraction to you?”
You lifted Alexia’s chin up with your finger. “Moving across countries isn’t an easy thing to do, you know. I have to talk to the hospital about my contract, I have to talk to my agent about my lease, I have to sell all my furniture, I have to meet with my friends to say goodbye—”
“What—”
“That’s why you were kind of distracting me, because I need to get a lot of things done if I want to come home to my girlfriend as soon as possible.”
When realization dawned on Alexia, her eyes widened and you laughed at how comical she looked. Alexia placed her hand on your mouth, muffling your laughs. “Stop laughing at me. You’re coming back?”
You took Alexia’s hand away from your mouth and grinned at her. Alexia’s eyebrows were raised, her face expectant as she waited for an answer.
You smiled fondly at her expressions before you answered her question with a kiss.
One second into the kiss, a giggle escaped your mouth, causing Alexia to break you apart, narrowing her eyes at your interruption. “Sorry, you were just too adorable.”
“Glad to know you think me crying is adorable.”
You placed a kiss on her cheek. “I don’t like seeing you cry but I wasn’t even breaking up with you, you big baby.”
“You’re so mean,” Alexia pouted. “But you’re really coming back? For good?”
“I am. I can’t be apart from you anymore. I love you and I want to wake up next to you every morning and fall asleep next to you every night.”
“Cheesy.”
You scrunched up your nose. “Shut up. I’m trying to be cute.”
“So… will you be asking me to move in with you then?”
“Well…” you gave a sheepish grin. “I was hoping you would be the one to ask me that, since I don’t exactly have a place here anymore. Unless you want to move in with my parents, that’s okay too.”
Alexia laughed and pecked your lips. You felt warm all over. “Let’s go look for a new place. My place is too small for all our kids anyway.”
“Kids?” you looked at Alexia with wide eyes. “Alexia. Did you skip the entire wedding?”
Alexia wrapped her arms around your waist, pulling you close. “I’m talking about Nala. And Mr. Oreo, your stinky cat. Add Vicky, Jana, Esmee to the list too.”
You slapped Alexia’s arm in response. “You scared me there for a second. We need to get married first, you know. No skipping a chapter.”
Alexia laughed, kissing the top of your head. You looked at her and the sight of your girlfriend with a big smile and eyes that displayed so much happiness gave you the sudden urge to kiss her again. So you did.
With the feeling of Alexia smiling against your lips, you knew that no matter where life takes you, you’d always come home to her.
—
Y/n,
I still remember the moment you left to go to Manchester. I remember watching you leave and I remember feeling so helpless because I knew that things would change. I saw you walk away and I have never wanted to scream your name so badly—just so you would look at me one last time. But I didn’t.
I didn’t, because you were off to do amazing things and I couldn’t keep you here as much as I wanted to. And because a part of me felt relieved that we’d be spending less time together because it would give me the time I needed to move on from you.
It worked for a while. My heart didn’t break into pieces every time I saw you and Leila on social media, and my heart didn’t feel like it’s being squeezed every time you talked about her.
My daydreams about you stopped, I didn’t hear your laugh in the back of my head at random times of the day anymore. I thought that was it. I was moving on, and I started to swallow the bitter truth that we weren’t meant to be together.
But then one night you called me. It was in the middle of the night and you couldn’t stop laughing because of a joke you just thought of. You asked if I was asleep, and I knew you’d tell me to go back to sleep if I said yes, so I lied. Only because I missed your voice and because hearing your laugh again after so long made my heart feel whole again when I didn’t even realize it had a missing piece.
I realized that, no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I would never love anyone as much as I love you.
I started to spend each night cursing at the stars, being angry and asking why the universe gave you to me, but at the same time, never letting me completely have you.
I settled for someone else because I thought that you’d never look at me the way I looked at you. I loved someone else and their name tasted just fine on my lips but I kept on wishing that it was your name that I was whispering into the dark nights instead. And I had to come to terms that I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life with you in the way that I’d hoped, so I said ‘yes’ to someone else.
But things happened, and I found out that you had been looking at me the same way all along—hidden glances, longing gazes, the desperate yearning to know how it feels like to love each other in ways no one but us can understand.
You’re my best friend, Y/n. You’re the bestest friend I’ve ever had and now, instead of cursing at the stars, I thank them each night because the universe gave you to me and now I have the chance to be able to love and admire every part of you.
Now your name is the only one I’d whisper into the nights—the nights where it’s just us two and your face that’s illuminated by the moonlight is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Now you’re the person I said ‘yes’ to because you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It’s been a journey, hasn’t it? I never would have thought that we’d be here, and that in a few hours I’d get to call you my wife.
I love you, mi amor. I have loved you since I was five and didn’t know anything about the world. I have loved you when we were apart, when nothing else was left to say between us, when the mornings without your texts turned my world darker.
And I have loved you when we’re together, when I look to the side and you’re always there next to me, when your hands feel like they’re my long-lost limb—your hands holding mine, your hands around my waist, your hands tangled through my hair, your hands around my neck, your hands holding me at night when it’s quiet except for the sound of your heart beating in sync with mine.
I have loved you for so long that it’s now a part of me and I know that I would never go a day without loving you.
And despite knowing you for most of my life, I still get nervous around you. So I’m writing this letter in case I couldn’t blurt out my vows because of how you’d be looking at me—as if I’m the only star in your sky. I hope that by reading this, you know just how much I love you and how I don’t ever plan to stop.
You make me the happiest. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure that you’re the happiest too.
I’ll see you in a few hours. Can’t wait to see you walk down the aisle :)
Yours forever and ever and ever,
Alexia
----
a/n: thank you for reading. this is my longest fic yet, please let me know your thoughts!<3
#woso#woso x reader#woso fanfics#woso community#alexia putellas x reader#alexia putellas imagine#alexia putellas
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@anxiousapplepie 's roleswap au is really cool so!!
made some special attack cut-ins! one for each character/role (funnily enough three are from traveller!odile's universe)
some more thoughts under a read more
siffrin (researcher)
- first one i did
- he has stars in their eyes!! though one is much easier to see than the other
- remember that one idea about sif using their prosthetic to blind people? i think his special friendquest attack would be smth similar. light blast that stuns an opponent for a turn like that one sasasaap sadness
- if everyone else is stunned he doesn't have to worry about being the slowest in the party. or getting hit when they aren't in their shell/cloak.
- i spent a good while just trying to figure out their expression
- astronomy name? light pun name? flash of genius?? supernova?
mirabelle (fighter)
- mira is about to kill a man, or maybe a strong sadness. good for her
- i spent a while just trying to figure out how to pose her
- i think she'd either get a giant paper-type attack (to make up for a lack of paper a V) or a really big self-buff. maybe a giant paper attack that gives her an attack buff afterwards
- isabeau in canon has a lot of support moves but considering mira's party (housemaiden siffrin traveller bonnie) i think she should be more of a dps. researcher!isa can still be a support
- oh or!!! maybe she heals herself/the party some of the damage she deals.
isabeau (chef)
- may or may not have referenced the sasasaap true ending a bit
- i think the cut-in would appear whenever he runs in to take some damage for someone else
- after friendquests he might be able to counterattack? probably for more damage than bonnie could
- there would probably also be a change for when isabeau's hp is low
- somehow his cut-in ended up the smallest
- imagine if you will: cook!isabeau running in the way of the king trying to grab housemaiden!bonnie during the kingquest end
odile (traveller)
- JUST ATTACK BABYYYYY
- massive paper type move that gives no jackpot points. king will die instantly
- grabbed the way she holds her book in the jackpot
- took the longest to draw her hands i had to take a picture reference
- journal has a blank cover
bonnie (housemaiden)
- i thought it would be funny for bonnie to run across the screen every time instead of getting a formal cut-in but i did consider the formal cut-in briefly
- i think bonnie's special friendquest skill would be a really good revive all/heal all because of memory of promise in canon
- also there is no way bonnie isn't getting stressed from being a kid on a pretty much doomed mission (without the loops)
- wonder how many times bonnie's heard pity from people. including the party!! this child is the saviour of vaugarde
- at least if they work hard enough no one else will get hurt!!!
#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#ISAT Role!Swap AU#isat siffrin#isat mirabelle#isat isabeau#isat odile#isat bonnie
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Because I love Lucanis and Davrin in equal amounts, I have to write them on occasion.
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Falling for Two - Lucanis X Rook Fanfic (plus 1 Davrin)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Rook! Are you okay?" Lucanis shouted, his voice strained as he clung desperately to her arm. She dangled helplessly off the ledge of a tall building, her boots scraping against the wall in a frantic search for any kind of hold.
"Davrin! Help!" Lucanis barked, urgency sharpening his tone. "I can’t hold her much longer!"
Davrin scuttled over, grabbing Rook’s other arm. "AM I OKAY?" Rook snapped, her voice pitching higher with adrenaline. "I just fell off a building, Lucanis, and I’m dangling over certain death! How do you think I’m doing?"
"Noted," Lucanis grunted through clenched teeth, his arms trembling with the effort of keeping her steady. Slowly and carefully, he began pulling her up. Davrin, ever impatient, gave her a sharp tug, nearly yanking her over the edge...
The result was chaos. Rook tumbled onto the rooftop, sprawling awkwardly on top of both men in a heap of limbs and heavy breathing.
"Well, this is cozy," Davrin said, his grin spreading. "Never knew this is how you’d end up on top of me. In some weird ménage à trois with Lucanis, no less. Not hating it, though."
"Urgh," Rook groaned, scrambling to her feet and brushing herself off. "In your dreams, Warden."
Davrin raised an eyebrow, his grin widening. "Presumptuous much? I don’t dream about you… unless you want me to?" He winked, earning himself a light slap on the arm.
Lucanis, still on the ground, stared at the sky for a moment, stunned. The woman he spent every waking moment trying not to think about had just been straddling him mere seconds ago. It took every ounce of his discipline to shove those thoughts down before they could take root.
As he and Davrin stood, brushing off the dirt, Davrin chuckled. "Nah, if anyone’s going to have nocturnal imaginations, it’s this guy." He jabbed a thumb at Lucanis, his smirk brimming with mischief.
Lucanis shot him a dark look before turning to Rook. "I don’t sleep, Davrin. Or did you forget that?"
"True," Davrin replied breezily. "But just because you don’t sleep doesn’t mean you can’t—"
"Enough," Lucanis growled, cutting him off sharply.
"Come on, boys, play nice." Rook crossed her arms, a teasing smile tugging at her lips as she tilted her head at Davrin. "‘Nocturnal imaginations.’ Those are the longest words I’ve ever heard you say in one sentence."
"And you’re welcome for it," he quipped, giving her a mock bow.
Lucanis shook his head, his gaze flicking to Rook. His eyes lingered just a second too long before he turned away. "Next time, just listen when I tell you about a drop."
"Hey," Davrin said with a shrug, "she can’t help it, Crow. She’s… challenged when it comes to all things dexterous. Not everyone’s gifted like us." His grin was devilish and infuriating.
"Gifted?" Rook shot him a look, her voice dripping with mock disbelief. "Is that what we’re calling it these days?"
Lucanis let out a low laugh at her jab, the sound rare enough to make both of them pause.
"Ouch," Davrin said, clutching his chest in mock pain. "That hurts, Rook. Truly."
"Good," she replied with a smirk, adjusting her gear. "Let’s just get moving before you both start fighting over which one of you is ‘more talented.’"
"Clearly, that would be me," Lucanis said coolly.
Davrin arched a brow, his grin widening further. "In what area, Dellamorte? Raw skill in offing blood mages? Or denial about anything regarding that lovely lady in front of us?"
Lucanis’s gaze flicked up to where Rook was crossing the next rooftop gap, this time without falling. His jaw tightened briefly, but he said nothing.
"I swear, one of these days, Davrin," Lucanis muttered darkly, "I will end you."
"Sure you will," Davrin replied breezily, his smile never faltering.
#lucanis dellamorte#rook#lucanis x rook#dragon age the veilguard#davrin#silliness#rookanisfanfic#dragon age#fluff and stuff#rookanis#rook de riva#fem rook#pre relationship
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Storer has been Storing with Syd all along
Please read the previous meta I included and pay attention to the bonus tracks.
What Storer chose to show us What Syd knows about Carmy
The narrative Storer (and Calo) were pushing onto Syd was:
Carmy Berzatto, the chef I used to fangirl read about in all the magazines, a 30-year-old former boy genius, very easy on the eyes, internationally trained by the best, former NOMA, published author, multi-awarded hot shot, fresh outta the most excellent restaurant in the entire USA, most excellent CDC,
who most likely got laid all over the world, is now back in Chicago opening a restaurant and getting laid with this blue-eyed, hot brunette, a white chick he calls "friend".
Which means he's into the whole "FWB" thing because he clearly prefers to play the field rather than be in a committed relationship, seeing as his longest relationship must be the one he has with his personalized custom-made jacket.
The reality we, the audience, know:
For Carmy, Syd is a mystery, for Syd Carmy is this successful chef who couldn't keep it in his pants when he should have been there CALLING TONY!
But WE know that's not entirely true. WE know better:
Bonus track #1: Richie was NOT saying "Interesting" because Carmy was finally getting it on with the C person, but because he picked up on Syd's JEALOUSY. He thought: #Catfight!
Bonus track #2: She's just an interruption, she was never supposed to be a permanent thing.
I already went over that temporary quality of hers from other angles, but it always BEARS repeating because we are constantly being gaslit.
Bonus track #3: She's a FUCKUP. Fak forced and initiated that situation.
Bonus track #4: C was a QUICK FIX kinda situationship because Carmy JUST COULDN'T WAIT for a better time to pursue the woman he really wanted, seeing as he presumably thought she was either completely out of his league or it was just unprofessional to even give it a try because they were gonna be business partners and you shouldn't mix business with pleasure anyway, plus Syd never showed interest in him in any other way than professionally, so why would he risk it? He decided not to wait for a better chance to go after Syd in the future, since he deemed that chance to be a looooog shot that might never happen at all and instead he just TRANSFERRED his feelings onto a more attainable prospect, as I explained above, this was confirmed by 02X05's soundtrack.
Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋
#SYD WAS PLAYED BUT IN S4 SHE WILL KNOW THE REAL CARMY#claire who?#the bear#sydcarmy#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#carmy x sydney#carmen berzatto#the bear fx#the bear hulu#syd x carmen#carmen x sydney#sydcarmy endgame#CARMY IS THE ONE#gingerpovs#the bear meta#sydcarmy meta#storer was storing with Syd
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I one time was cursed with an unfortunately timed severe asthma attack on a vacation, with no real access to medical attention. So. As any normal person struggling to breathe would do… I just kept using my inhaler.
Smart, right? Well— kinda. On the one hand I eventually after 4 hours could breathe mostly normal again! Except uh, excessive albuterol use can cause increased anxiety.
I have PTSD.
My baseline anxiety levels??? Already astronomical. Like. I seriously at the best I’ve ever been, still had crippling debilitating anxiety.
So here I am, in a shared hotel room with people I barely felt comfy sleeping around in the first place, with constant panic attacks. That I can’t discuss because I was with family.
I had already only had maybe an hour of sleep the night before in my excitement and insomnia, and only like 4-5 hours the night before that. I’m the kinda person that needs 10 hours a day to function.
I did not sleep all night that night.
By time I got home mid afternoon the next day I was so worked up I had been awake for like 35 hours.
We took like an hour to do 2 nebulizer treatments (if there’s one perk to my mom bordering on COPD it’s that she has a nebulizer at home so I can do treatments at home instead of going to the ER) which. Was important. Then I went down to my room to attempt to ground myself and settle.
No dice. I was awake all night again.
I indeed was not tired. Just wired and a bit manic, and mildly shaky.
By the next early afternoon I was still semi convinced that the world was going to end if I wasn’t with my siblings in sight right then. So upstairs I went. Everyone else sat on the floor or dining chairs so they could shove me onto the couch. They were all kind enough to sit where I could see or feel them.
We watched I think 2 movies??? But I was p dissociated the whole time.
I finally settled.
I got kicked downstairs. Told my mom to wake me in 3 hours for work. She did not. I nearly lost my job bc of it.
Until I informed my boss that I was more or less awake for nearly 56 hours. She instead said to just please not let it happen again.
That’s not the longest I’ve been awake consecutively, but it still really sucked.
Just.
Get sleep yall.
Like no wonder when the bats are sleep deprived they tend to be feral. I don’t blame them.
It's obvious that not sleeping for over 24hrs is awful and really difficult, like it's common sense, HOWEVER I just went 27hrs without sleep and omfg the levels of insane that that is is truly unexplainable, is so fucking insane
I’ve done it. The thing is, once you hit around 20 hours you stop feeling tired and you just experience various intervals of terrible. You can mitigate this by eating, drinking coffee etc, or never sitting down. But yeah, it’s a mental game at a certain point. You have to acknowledge that you’re working far below normal capacity and plan from there to accommodate sluggish thinking, delayed reflexes, etc.
The fic I wrote about the JL/Batfam not sleeping because of a curse was inspired by a week of work where I slept maybe 18 total hours. My Apple Watch died every single night. I ate and drank so much and didn’t gain any weight because I was burning it all off trying to stay awake and semi-functional. At the very end I was finally dismissed and promptly burst into tears in front of all of my coworkers for no particular reason.
So yeah. Please sleep. And if you can’t sleep, be realistic about what you can do.
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969
.969
足りない
The characters
登場人物を
That were lacking
まだ人形で
Have yet been made up for
埋め合わせた
Using dolls
もう僕の周りには
Since there are no
生きた人はいないから
Living people around me anymore
.
絶え間なく
My friends
増える友よ
Growing in number without end,
君らもいつか
Will you, too,
あの子のように
Betray me
僕を裏切るの?
Like she[1] did, someday?
絶え間ない
If this is an endless
幻想なら
Fantasy
ぜんまいさえ
I don't even need
もういらない
Clockwork anymore
.
正直
Honestly
うんざりしてる
I'm just fed up
同じパターンの
Repeating the same
繰り返し
Pattern
変わったのは
The only thing that's changed
周りの方
Are my surroundings
それならそれでいいかな
But I guess I'm fine with that
.
付けられた
In this number
番号には
Affixed to me
価値など無いし
There is no value listed
意味さえ無いし
Nor is there even meaning
期待もしないで
So don't get your hopes up
なぜだろう
Why is that so?
止まらない
When I no longer even have
ぜんまいさえ
The unstopping
もう無いのに
Clockwork
.
黒き魔女に
The seed I handed
譲った種
To the black witch
奇麗な
From it blooms
花を咲かせた
A pretty flower
.
絶え間なく
My friends
増える友よ
Growing in number without end,
君らもいつか
Will you, too,
あの子のように
Betray me
僕を裏切るの?
Like she did, someday?
絶え間ない
If this is an endless
幻想なら
Fantasy
ぜんまいさえ
I don't even need
もういらない
Clockwork anymore
---
This line more literally says "that child" with no specifications for gender, however not only did that feel awkward to me but "anoko" is also sometimes used to refer to women, so I didn't want to specify "child" in the line either. And I didn't want to accidentally imply multiple people with a gender-neutral "they".
#()songs#()mothy#()E.A.T.#i feel like i could provide better wording choices with more context#context i don't have#this one took the longest because of that
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The Princes
Ten years later. When marrying a Prince turns a Queen and a Servant into actual Royalties.
Because Vil deserves a real crown and Jamil deserves to be treated better.
NOW I'M GONNA RANT ABOUT MY CHARA DESIGNS CHOICES AND ALL THE DISCOVERIES I MADE WHILE LOOKING FOR REFS! If you only care about art and funny doodles, you can scroll down for a handful of slices of life.
(Don't worry if you can't read my notes, I'm repeating myself better right under this)
Leona
-Lion: As you may know, one of my grievances with Leona is how his hair doesn't look like an actual mane despite being a lion. While I don't want to stray too far from the canon design with the usual drawings, that's the occasion for me to have some fun with a future version. Give that lion a beard and voluminous hair!
-Hair: First, get those bangs out of his face. Despite Leona being very confident, he still has bangs covering his scarred eye. I wanted him to finally own the aspects of him that may be scary to others (his UM, his scar, etc). I actually went with bangs framing his face similar to the ones he had during his Overblot. I wasn't sure whether to give him dreadlocks or curly hair, but I ended up choosing the free curls decorated with some atebas and braids so that Vil could have more fun styling them.
-Eye: Thanks @aria-faye for the idea, I decided to have his eye gradually lose its capacities with time. From a headcanon that, while the eye wasn't directly touched by whatever attack scarred him, the process of healing still had an impact on it and he gradually lost sight in his left eye years after years.
-Body: Not giving him a dad bod (yet, maybe in another ten years), but definitely giving him more voluminous yet casual muscles. Practical muscles with a healthy dose of fat and tissues. Also giving him two full sleeves of tattoos because I decided he should have much more than just his lion tattoo.
-Clothes: Went full Maasai dressing and Kenyan fabrics and beadworks. If you're not familiar with it, please go check it out, it's GORGEOUS!! Crown is beadwork too. He also has one Arabic styled foot jewellery.
Jamil
-Hair: My first order was to remove his double-faced hairstyle and also remove his bangs from his eye. Make him confident enough to show his whole face. Unlike Leona and Vil, he doesn't really want a crown though (he still feels weird about becoming royalty) so instead he uses a braid as crown. Also gave him a little goatee because I like facial hair and Jafar has a beard too.
-Body: He grew up! While he didn't quite catch up with Leona and Vil, he is now closer to their sizes than before, sitting at around 180cm. He kept his breakdancer/martial artist lean muscles but developed a bit of shoulders.
-Clothes: Went full Arabic dressing and fabrics (once more, go check the fabrics, they are pieces of arts). I gave him floral motifs instead of his usual fire/snake motifs (though he does have a snake earring and a fangs necklace) to symbolise his rebirth/blooming. Like Leona, he has one piece of jewellery that is beadwork.
Vil
-Hair: Here it was a bit tricky. Considering Vil's work, he likely changes hairstyles a lot, going from long to short for his roles instead of his wants. So I leaned into the little things he could add to his hair despite their constant changes, mostly jewelleries, beadworks and wool decorations he stole from his husbands. He also cares a bit less about them looking perfect and is allowing himself to be more natural. He doesn't have any facial hair (yet), keeping a youthful appearance for as long as he can. In another ten years though, he might start looking more and more like his father, beard included.
-Clothes: For Leona and Jamil's mental states, the three of them most likely started living in Sunset Savanna so they wouldn't freeze to death. Vil is well traveled so he can handle most temperatures without trouble, and he is used to dressing up in the local get ups. Here I decided to give him both African dress and Arabic fabric, and likewise both beadwork and golden jewellery. I gave him crown and heart motifs so he can keep being himself despite borrowing a lot from his husbands.
There, I'm done rambling. Here's some doodles, followed by some random headcanons.
-Vil does his husbands hair every morning and keeps giving them more and more intricate hairstyles. He developed a whole haircare and beard-care products set for them.
-When Vil is away for a movie, Jamil keeps his hair mostly down save for a few accessories.
-Jamil and Falena get along surprisingly well (to Leona's despair). Vil gets along very well with Falena's wife.
-Jamil acts as a Scalding Sands ambassador and still is the one to care for Kalim when he comes to visit, though this time he's doing it because he wants to and not because he has to.
-Vil got used to his new title immediately but Jamil struggles with it a lot. He still has a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he is no longer a servant.
-The servants at the palace love Jamil because he always makes their job easier.
-Leona finally decided to put his wits to good use and became Falena's advisor. He still fights a lot with Kifaji about the direction to take with the country, but he managed to make some of his ideas heard to help with the staggering inequalities in the country.
That's all for now!
#so... that's officially my longest piece to date#this one took me nearly 10 hours#and I'm considering doing a colored version because Arabic and Kenyan fabrics are so beautiful I swear#won't happen in a while tho#mello's drawings#n2 squad#jamil viper#leona kingscholar#vil schoenheit#javil#leojami#leovil#twisted wonderland#twst#art#my art#analysis#Future!N2
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First original post for this sideblog! My contribution to the Monty and Foxy show PMV collab organized by @kenmarlenn ! You can watch it here! :D It was so much fun working on it and one of the first times I pushed myself to stop being shy participate in a project like this! XD Everyone did such an amazing job and should be proud!
#the one that by far took the longest time was the cringe dimension one XD#I love that dimension but oh my god are cringe Sun and Moon detailed kfdjhakgjh#I already see some mistakes I would go back and correct XD but overall I'm super happy with how they all came out!#And despite me being a slow artist I somehow managed to make this in a short amount of time which I'm also proud of!#manty gator and foxy show#mgafs#monty and foxy show#eaps#eclipse and puppet show#tsams#sams#sun and moon show#tagging that one basically only because Moon is there and that's his main show gkjfgdkjh but mgafs is the focus here haha#arts#mgafs collab
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A portrait of a boy torn appart by time itself
Marty McFly: the World’s First Human Time Traveler
(Rambles and alt-colors under cut)
For as long as I’ve loved Back to the Future, I’ve never done any art for it. Is part of the reason for that Marty’s dang hair and the fact that I could never get it right? Maybe. But! In light of me getting tickets to go and see the BTTF Musical on tour with my (equally as big of a nerd) father, I was hit with a vision and just had to draw it. So here we are, the boy torn by time himself, Marty “The World’s Coolest Loser” McFly.
Honestly very proud of this piece. I learned how to fake holographics in a 2D piece, render lightning, and draw Marty’s stupid hair all in the span of creating it and I’m glad to say I now have those skills under my belt. Expect more BTTF alongside my recent Gatsby obsession and slowly returning LSOH adoration. See you in the future! 🎸⚡️⏰
Non B&W photo version and Plain Marty cause I’m proud:
#my art#back to the future#back to the future the musical#bttf#bttf fanart#bttf musical#yeah that’s right I’m a giant nerd#have loved these movies since childhood and still love them now#honestly even more because the musical just made me more of a nerd#one does not simply create a BTTF musical and have me be normal abt it#also screw Marty’s hair. idk why it’s so hard to nail but it took me like- 30 mins#literally the part that took the longest#AND HES WEARING LIKE 40 BAJILLION LAYERS#Seriously dude are you cold or what#anyway yeah#tada
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Dare
#dan and phil#dan and phil games#hexagifs#I watermarked the middle one because believe it or not it took the longest to make
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a new taylor album feels so fake. i am in no way prepared for this
#taylor took an extra year off one time and it felt like the longest year of my life#and it must’ve been that way for her too because ever since then it’s just been ALBUM ALBUM ALBUMALBUM ALBUM ALBUMALBUMBUMALBUM#she’s insane. she keeps the swifties well fed#taylor swift#mine
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So I managed to catch covid despite my best efforts and with it on type of my other chronic illnesses I feel like shit and am somewhat delirious.
As a result I am humbly requesting some illness comfort hcs for splatoon. Your choice on characters but I'd like it if you at least include Dedf1sh. Gender neutral or nonbinary reader please.
Thank you for your service 🫡
Man, that sucks. I'm so sorry you've been feeling so icky, anon. I hope you make a speedy recovery and feel better <3 !!
I'm gonna do all of the idols (including Big Man) because I don't wanna leave everyone out + I feel like they'd all have some unique way of going about your illnesses. I'm also so sorry for the wait! I've been busy recently, so I'm sorry (to everyone) if posting and responding is slow!
Now onto the thingy
‧₊˚✧[ The Idols W/ a Sick!Reader ]✧˚₊‧
(🎨🔫👨❤️💋👨💭) - splatoon headcanons
(reader type) - gender neutral
‧₊˚ ⋅ 𓐐𓎩 ‧₊˚ ⋅
- - - - - - -
Callie
♨ Callie is the type of person to follow all those clichés you see on T.V.
♨ Shrimp soup, ice pack on the head, thermometer in the mouth, absolutely no moving or leaving your room whatsoever, all that stuff
♨ She's not a doctor but she thinks she might be able to help
♨ The MILLISECOND she hears you sniff or cough, it is straight to bed with you
♨ If you throw up or something she'll be there to hold your tentacles back (if they're long enough)
♨ If she sees you out of bed other than to go to the bathroom she will throw a FIT and drag you back to bed
♨ She will do all the chores in the house and will cook for you, regardless if it's just a common cold or not
♨ You got sick around the time Grizz was defeated, so she had a lot of free time other than the occasional acting gig and the release of Wave Goodbye.
♨ Checks up on you every second
♨ Cuddles with you despite knowing she'll get sick too
♨ ❝ Quit it, you idiot! You're gonna catch a bug!
♨ ❝ Guess who doesn't care! ♪"
♨ She shares all the drama and gossip she's heard when she gets home if she has stuff to do
♨ Keeps you company while you rot in bed <3
Marie
♨ She's a lot more lenient than Callie, let's just make that clear
♨ Marie believes that, as long as you're not on the brink of death and it's a simple symptom, you don't have to be bedridden.
♨ You got sick around the time Grizz was defeated as well, so she had a lot of free time, too
♨ Except Thursday nights, because that's when she has her podcast "Marie After Midnight"
♨ You're allowed to help with chores, but she does all the cooking
♨ Mutualism, y'know?
♨ Also shares drama and gossip with you that she's heard while out and stuff as she checks your temperature n' all
♨ ❝ So then she said that she broke up with him-oops, you've got a fever-but then she was seen kissing him, like, an hour later!"
♨ She's still physical with you. She just keeps her distance a lot more
♨ She may not be a doctor, but she's certainly your personal nurse
Pearl
♨ The moment she found out you were sick it was a direct trip to MakoMart for medicine
♨ Her diagnosis was that you hadn't been treating yourself very well
♨ Pearl definitely isn't experienced with taking care of people medically since she grew up rich and didn't really have to do any of that stuff
♨ She knows about medicine and bandages and that's about it
♨ Buys literally all the medicine in stock
♨ Only the best medical care for her pookie wookie
♨ She does all the cooking and cleaning. She doesn't give a slug's ass what you came down with. You are not overworking yourself on her watch
♨ You got sick just before Off the Hook went on tour, so it threw a small wrench into the plan, but that was alright!
♨ She could make it work! (With the help of time management from Marina)
♨ Pearl isn't too good at cooking by the way, so it'll just be fruit or something that doesn't require more effort than a microwave and boiling water
♨ ❝ Okay, so I accidentally set the water on fire, so it'll just be fruit instead of noodles today.
♨ ❝ You what???
♨ But yeah give her a chance she tries her best </3
Marina
♨ Marina is probably the most medically trained person on this list
♨ Becomes a professional mother
♨ You also got sick around the time Off the Hook was going on tour, so that made her a bit busier since she had to work on the tour, the memverse, and make sure you didn't die
♨ So what did she prescribe? Love, it was the only medicine! That and prednisone
♨ She's almost as lenient as Marie but as caring as Callie
♨ Since she was in the military, she learned a bunch of ways to treat sick people, so she's a wiz at this
♨ She doesn't want you completely immobilized, so she lets you help with chores and cooking
♨ Will check in with you every once is a while, but when she does she asks a gazillion questions at a time
♨ ❝ Hey, (N/N), are you feeling any better? Are you hungry, thirsty, do you have a headache? Do you need medicine? Are you too hot, too cold?
♨ ❝ Just trying to process everything you just said.
♨ Makes songs dedicated to you and sings them at concerts (which always make you feel better)
Shiver
♨ Shiver, being the youngest of the Hohojiro family, doesn't know all that much about medicine
♨ But she tries her best, especially for you! Is that a lie? No!
♨ She definitely gets advice from Frye and Big Man. They even help take care of you sometimes
♨ She makes a bit more of a deal about it than she should
♨ You got sick around the leader splatfest (that goes for all of Deep Cut), so of course Shiver was all over you during the halftime break
♨ ❝ (N/N)? Please tell me you're okay! You haven't thrown up, right? Do you have a fever? I could get you some water and a fan if you do!
♨ She asked when all you wanted was a Crabby Cake.
♨ Shiver, no matter how much she loves you, will never admit that she had to get help from someone else
♨ Takes you everywhere just so you're in her sight, even while she's out banditting
♨ Orders Master Mega (or one of the Deep Cut members) to carry you around everywhere
♨ She mostly cooks you spicy food, even if it's mild
♨ Shiver is always cold (as her name kinda suggests) so she'll hug you when you get too hot
♨ Will buy you anything and everything you want, just like Pearl would
♨ Basically your gremlin helper
Frye
♨ Frye's family has a bunch of remedies that probably aren't safe to the public
♨ Big Man has repeatedly told her not to use these remedies as a last resort
♨ ❝ Just take 3 of these a day, she says as she holds up what is possibly the most toxic food known to inkling and octoling kind
♨ Other than that, she's good at treating people. Like i said before, she's got siblings, so she kinda had to be
♨ Frye's like Marie when it comes to stuff like this because she also believes that, as long as you're not on your death bed, you'll be fine
♨ With that said, she will not hesitate to carry you around and do everything for you
♨ ❝ Oh, yeah, no, straight to bed! C'mon, I'll carry you! You can work, but don't overwork yourself, man! I'll finish cleaning the dishes, just don't die on me!
♨ ❝ Frye, all I said was,'I feel kinda hot'.
♨ Just like with Shiver, the rest of Deep Cut helps out with taking care of you, too
♨ She mostly cooks you sweet food
♨ Frye is a human heater (as her name kinda suggests), so she'll hug you when you get cold
♨ Trust me when I say she'll barely treat you any different from when you weren't sick
♨ She'll still throw her banter-punches and lean on you and shake you and all
♨ Just be ready to take care of her when she gets sick from that :,]
Big Man
♨ Probably the most caring person on this list next to Marina
♨ He is a LOT more normal out of the other two members of Deep Cut
♨ And since he's a naturally caring person he makes a great caretaker
♨ Big Man's family definitely has remedies they use, too. Except these remedies are actually safe to use on people
♨ Mostly cooks you sour food, even if it's mild
♨ He is always prepared; he's got tons of medicine and tissues for when you guys go out together (and barf bags..)
♨ Big Man believes you're a capable person, so he'll also let you help with chores and cooking until he sees that you're tired/dizzy
♨ Then he'll send you right back to bed and spend the rest of the day caring for you
♨ ❝ Ay? Ay ay. ((N/N)? Do you need anything? More water, or more blankets?)
♨ ❝ I'd like for you to just be with me, if that's okay.
♨ Starts gushing over the entire thing and spends the rest of the day with you. Chores can come at the end
♨ At that moment, you thought you were cured
Acht
♨ There are a lot of people on this list who let you fend for yourself holy hell
♨ You got sick just after the Side Order DLC would've been completed, so Acht didn't have anything better to do than hang out with Marina or make music
♨ Acht seems like a "tough love" kinda character (that's also very caring at the same time), so that's why I feel like they'd be another character like that
♨ Though they still cook and clean for you from time to time! Albeit they're.. not the best cook..
♨ (You're better off ordering out.)
♨ Sometimes, if they think you've worked enough, they'll throw you over the shoulder and carry you
♨ Acht doesn't know medicine as well as Marina (considering they're a dropout) so they go to Marina for advice
♨ Acht might fuck up the procedure once or twice, but it all works out in the end! They try, trust me
♨ Also keeps you company while you rot away in bed
♨ Lets you suggest music for them to make (and its always good)
♨ Not always prepared but always ready to seek out the things you need
♨ ❝ Hey, you need tissues? Alright, lemme see if I have some.
♨ The combination of their personality and the way they care for you makes you oh-so-happy
♨ Even after you've gotten better, you still think you're sick.. sick with love that is
♨ Corny, I know, but it's true
- - - - - - -
‧₊˚ ⋅ 𓐐𓎩 ‧₊˚ ⋅
#splatoon#splat3#splatoon x reader#acht dedf1sh#acht x reader#marina splatoon#marina splatoon x reader#pearl splatoon#pearl splatoon x reader#marie splatoon#marie splatoon x reader#callie splatoon#callie splatoon x reader#shiver splatoon#shiver splatoon x reader#frye splatoon#frye splatoon x reader#big man splatoon#big man splatoon x reader#headcanons#sick!reader#you're probably already better by now because i took so long to write this#probably one of my longest posts to date#eat up
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And the Land Would Tremble...
<previous - next>
#Final Fantasy XIV#FFXIV#Dawntrail spoilers#ffxiv spoilers#Erenville#WoL x Erenville#erenwol#wolship#Erenvahl#X'vahl Tia#long post#my longest post yet oh my god....#someone please tell me that the scenes I ripped right from the cutscene integrate okay with the ones I took in gpose TTATT#that was my work-around for not being able to use some of the stuff from gpose and my god I just hope it doesn't look too jarring.#again things are slightly different to fit my narrative better#and also to cut down the dialogue a bit#to fit it all in one post.#anyway I hope you two had a good time in Shaaloani together#because things are about to suck. :)
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This one is for the lovely @kalevalakryze ! Thank you for all the time and effort you put into your amazing fics!
This idea is once again pulled from their fic Mine over on AO3 :)
#star wars#ahsoka#wolfwren#sabine wren#shin hati#ahsoka series#ahsoka show#sabine wren x shin hati#star wars fanart#my art#thegirlsinthecity#okay when I read this scene it stuck in my head for days#(i had to get the dyeing image out of my brain first to be able to work on this one but once it was done? I immediately started this one#It’s such a good fic and a very cute scene!!#i hope you like it :)#i’m actually pretty proud of myself on this one#still lots to learn but i am improving i feel like#the lighting is what took me the longest because no matter how many videos i watched about light i still don’t get it#i also tried really hard to make the faces a focal point by rendering that area more than the rest. i originally had more detail on the rest#but it distracted from what should be the focus#also i am a perfectionist and often lose sight of the bigger image… note to self it doesn’t matter if something is rotated 37 vs 38 degrees.#no one will notice you don’t have to waste an hour deciding on if a single pixel should be added or not#also note to self phone will crash multiple times as soon as more than 30 layers are involved#also note to self overlay is your best friend#but yeah probably the first time i’ve looked at something i’ve made and been like ‘holy fuck i did a good job’#also you know what? i will be shameless and put my own damn art in my favourites tag if i want to because i’m so proud of myself#favourites#tumblr is compressing my image quality >:( it actually looks so much crisper in my camera roll#adhd rambling sorry got off track here
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I keep thinking about how no one seems to think about nuance when it comes to like, the concept of "autistic traits / symptoms" and discussing them, and how that is intertwined with the push to not consider it a disability. And its complex to discuss, but here's my convoluted thoughts. I know it's long but I hope people will take the time to read it.
There are in fact people who do fit some commonly associated with autism traits that are not impaired by them. Let's make up a guy, for a second:
They like routine and repetition a lot but easily handle change in them. For example they wear the same set of clothes for years with no desire to ever branch out, but if you made them wear something else they wouldnt really be bothered by it as long as they dont think it's super ugly, etc. They like to watch the same movies over and over but happily agree to watch other things with their friends when spending time together, and are engaged and interested in those movies. Etc. They speak very formally or choose "complicated" words for things that could be expressed easier. They however do not face problems with communication beyond annoyance of others because they're able to rephrase things easily to be understood, and they also have a normal back and forth in conversations and initiate conversations normally. They sometimes engage in subtle self stimulating behaviors and recognize the desire to do so during boring or stress inducing times (which pretty much everyone does, btw). They dislike loud environments but do not respond with melt- or shutdowns or any other "severe" reactions, and while for example preferring to go to a museum over a club, they easily go through their daily life in busy areas like city centers, shops or cultural events like parades without issues beyond like, mild annoyance and no desire to stay for longer than necessary. They have strong interests in seemingly random topics and spend quite some time researching or engaging with those, but they do not view the world through the lense of said interest, they do not neglect caring for themselves or fulfilling academic or professional responsibilities because they are so engrossed in their interests, they are easily able to hold conversations about other topics. I could go on.
This person would not be diagnosed with autism by any doctor who pays attention to the impairment clause of the diagnosis. They would probably be told "you're subclinical / you do not meet enough criteria / ..." While his person would probably relate quite a bit to (parts of) descriptions of (level 1 and / or low support needs and / or high masking) autism. And this is an imaginary person I made up, but these people obviously exist (and as a side note, are probably what people refer to when they talk about "everyone being a little autistic" etc)
And this person being told they're not autistic might be upset. Because clearly, they have so many autistic traits. They relate to so many videos! But the thing is! There is no impairment! The one thing that connects all of the symptoms related to autism to the actual diagnosis. This does not mean they do not in fact relate to the autistic experience. This does not mean these parts of their life or personality are fake / non existent / not important to who they are and how they experience things. But it is important to differentiate. If they consider themselves autistic, if the world considers them autistic, it waters down the definition to a point of being categorically useless from a medical standpoint, from a standpoint of figuring out who needs support and in what ways. Who needs (early) intervention, who needs extra support in school or at work or at home or in public.
And like. Humanity at large will probably always want to shove themselves into random categories. "Which character are you like?" "What is your personality style?" "What is your star sign?" or "which sports team do you support", and countless more come to mind. I dont think this imaginary person is wrong or silly for wanting to find a category of people they are like, or recognizing this similarity with some autistic people. I wouldnt even mind if they made up a non-clinical category / group of people who relate to autistic experiences without the impairment. It would get the point across that it is a group of people with shared experiences, but it is not the same as autism.
However autism is increasingly treated like something thats just a personality type without impairment, by people online and offline. And when they go "this is an autism symptom" without nuance, without looking at the need for impairment, or even differential diagnosis, it spreads that attitude. "Liking to eat the same foods is an autistic trait"... or is it normal to have food preferences to a degree if it does not cause you stress to eat new foods, if you are capable of eating other food if hungry and presented with them and not the food you prefer? Or is this person anorexic and their mind has created categories of "allowed to eat" and "not allowed to eat" based on arbitrary categories relating to their fear of weight gain? "Only eating with small spoons at home is a common autistic trait"... or is it a harmless preference as long as you are still able to eat food outside a strict routine set up with zero possible deviations? Or is it a person with OCD and eating with small spoons is a compulsive behavior for some sort of intrusive thoughts?
I could go on forever. But in the end, these short sentences are all the same. They are, at the same time: autistic experiences and allistic experiences, because they are so non specific. They are watered down and any additional information is removed.
autism is about a specific combination of experiences that impair you. That's literally all it is. It does not automatically turn us into a category of "other" that is fully not possible to relate to, because we are human too. And some of it will be relatable to people that are not autistic!
And there is value in discussions of experiences of autistic people that go beyond the impairment, as long as we do not forget about it, or treat it as secondary instead of the defining factor. I dont mind if autistic people bond over something they're not impaired by, that they see as a common experience, for example not easily going along with authority. Being creative. Preferring the small spoon (without being impaired by it while having other impairments), whatever, and call those common autistic experiences. But those are not the pillars of what make up autism and solely relating to them should not be your reason for calling yourself autistic. Neither should relating to commonly impairing symptoms without being impaired by your version of them. The impairments resulting from abnormal development are what makes someone autistic.
There needs to be more nuance, detail, when discussing autism symptoms. And the push to, at the very least, expand autism into an area of experiences that do not cause impairment of any kind, or worse claim it never caused impairment, need to stop. It does not help anyone.
I genuinely think part of the whole "everyone is autistic these days" crowd who likes to go after people and invalidate them has picked up on some of this, but they lack the skills to criticize it for what it actually is and / or they want there to be a simple solution, which is that everyone who calls themselves autistic online who does not fit their very stereotypical view is faking. They are wrong of course. But I dont think this comes out of nowhere. There is something to criticize about how autism is treated in many circles, especially among younger people.
I'm really not sure how to end this post because I like to come to some conclusions on my long posts but just. Uhm. The way some people treat "autistic traits" as completely unrelated to the impairment they cause while staying exclusively autistic traits is wrong. The way people try to redefine autism is harmful and in the end not needed because they could simply invent other words for that experience.
#actually autistic#autistic adult#autistic community#actually disabled#i feel like im poking a sleeping bear with this one. poking a hornets nest. whatever#but yeah it needs to be said i think. and i have the privilege of my “smart sounding” speech being more likely to be listened 2 so. *shrugs#long post#(very long... oops. i think this is the longest thing i ever wrote on here)#also this took me. i believe over 2 hours to write! im not good at this actually! i moved 80% of these paragraphs around multiple times -#- deleted entire paragraphs. merged them. rephrased things again and again and again#its exhausting#because when i think about this i can think through this entire concept in a couple minutes but trying to get it across takes hours ://
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I'm still thinking about this writer's "Joker glows in the dark btw" headcanon
Detective Comics #388 (1969)
#people have so many headcanons about how the acid bath affected him#but 'he glows in the dark' really tops them all#genious#the finnish version of this comic took some creative liberties when translating the editor's note#it said something like#in an earlier caper joker painted his face with glowing paint#so for the longest time i thought it was refering to this earlier issue where he pretented to be a ghost (batman 140)#because that's exactly what he did in it#but the english one seems to be refering to the acid bath that made him joker in the first place#a little confusing
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