#this one kind of flopped but its doing numbers over on twitter?? fascinating

[anishenanigans]

happy 4th birthday to peak fiction. unfortunately I'm too tired to draw a proper anniversary art piece so instead u guys are getting this.

[letterboxd]

Savage Cinema.

From anarchists and adultery to milk baths and massacres, Matthew Turner shares five of the weirdest and wildest highlights of Hollywood’s pre-Code era, as #PreCodeApril comes to a close.

Pre-Code April was directly inspired by Noirvember, a month-long celebration of noir cinema instigated by Marya Gates (Oldfilmsflicker). I did Noirvember for the first time in November 2019, really enjoyed it, and thought it would be great to do the same thing for pre-Code movies. Although I’ve watched most of the classic 1930s films, I realised there were a huge number of pre-Code films I’d never seen (of my Letterboxd list of over 900 Pre-Code films, I have only seen 200).

As a sucker for a bit of wordplay, no matter how tenuous, I picked April partly because it’s six months away from Noirvember and partly because of the shared “pr” sound in April and Pre-Code. I’ve been absolutely delighted by the response—the #PreCodeApril hashtag on Twitter is a daily treasure trove of pre-Code-related joy, but I was genuinely thrilled to see the response on Letterboxd (here is my watchlist for the month). It’s been a real pleasure to see pre-Code movies constantly popping up in my ‘new from friends’ feed. My hope is that it’ll be even bigger next year—and that maybe TCM will want to get involved, the way they do with Noirvember.

Produced between 1929 and 1934, pre-Code cinema refers to films made in a brief period between the silent era, and Hollywood beginning to enforce the Motion Picture Production Code censorship guidelines (mandatory enforcement came in from July 1934). The “Code” in question was popularly known as the Hays Code, after then MPPDA president Will H. Hays. As the depression set in and box office declined, theater owners needed fare that would drive cinema-goers to the movies. It was a wild time to be a scriptwriter; they threw everything at the page, designers added even more, and actors played out the kinds of scenes, from the suggestive to the overt, that would otherwise be banned for decades to come.

The following five films demonstrate some of Hollywood’s craziest pre-Code excesses. They’re still jaw-dropping, even by today’s standards, and notably give female characters an agency that would be later denied as the Christian morals of the Code overruled writers’ kinks.

Madam Satan (1930) Directed by Cecil B. DeMille, written by Elsie Janis, Jeanie Macpherson and Gladys Unger

A critical and commercial flop in 1930, Cecil B. DeMille’s utterly insane musical comedy stars Kay Johnson as a straight-laced wife who plots to win back her unfaithful husband (Reginald Denny) by seducing him at a costume party, disguised as a mysterious devil woman. The location of this party? Oh, nothing too fancy, just on board a giant zeppelin. (“Madam Satan or: How the Film gets Fucking Crazy on the Blimp,” as Ryan reviewed it.)

Madam Satan is not by any stretch of the imagination a good movie (the editing alone is laughably bad), but as a piece of pre-Code craziness, it really has to be seen to be believed. Co-written by a trio of women and set in just three locations, it goes from racy bedroom farce to avant-garde musical to full-on disaster movie after a bolt of lightning hits the blimp.

The film is justly celebrated (in camp classic circles, at least) for the wildly over-the-top costumes paraded in the masquerade ball sequence, but there’s weird outfit joy everywhere you look. Keep an eye out for an enterprising extra who’s come dressed as a set of triplets.

Call Her Savage (1932) Directed by John Francis Dillon, written by Tiffany Thayer and Edwin J. Burke

Adapted from a salacious novel by Tiffany Thayer, Call Her Savage was former silent star Clara Bow’s second-to-last film before her retirement at the age of 28. She plays Texas gal Nasa Springer, who’s always had a “savage” temper she can’t explain. In the space of 88 minutes she goes from wild teenager to jilted newlywed to young mother to prostitute to wealthy society girl to alcoholic before finally (it’s implied) settling down with her Native-American friend after discovering that she’s half-Native-American, something the audience has known all along.

Bow’s performance is frankly astonishing, to the point where you simply can’t believe what you’re seeing from one moment to the next. Sample scenes see her savagely whipping both a snake and her Indian friend, smashing a guitar over a musician’s head and violently wrestling her Great Dane… and that’s all in the first five minutes. She’s also frequently in a state of near undress throughout—one funny scene has her maids chasing her with a dressing gown because they’re afraid she’ll run down the street in her négligée.

The rest of the film includes alcohol, adultery, strong violence, attempted rape, murder, syphilis (not named, but heavily implied) and baby death. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of outrageous content and Bow is pure dynamite throughout. The film is also noted for being one of the first on-screen portrayals of homosexuality, when Nasa visits a gay bar in the Village frequented by “wild poets and anarchists”.

Smarty (1934) Directed by Robert Florey, written by Carl Erickson and F. Hugh Herbert

This deeply problematic sex comedy features pre-Code stars Joan Blondell and Warren William (often nicknamed ‘The King of Pre-Code’) at their absolute filthiest. Blondell plays Vicki, a capricious, happily married wife who gets an obvious kick out of taunting her husband, Tony (William). When he cracks and slaps her at a party, she divorces him and marries her lawyer, Vernon (Edward Everett Horton), whom she also goads into slapping her in a deliberate ploy to win back Tony.

Essentially, Smarty hinges on Vicki liking rough sex and it’s completely blatant about it, ending with her sighing “Hit me again” (the film’s UK title!) as they sink into a clinch on a couch, a rapturous expression on her face. It’s a controversial film because on the surface it looks like it’s condoning domestic violence, but it’s very clearly about Vicki’s openly expressed sexual desires—she wants to be punished and dominated, she just has a rather dodgy way of getting what she wants.

It might be unsophisticated, but in some ways Smarty is remarkably ahead of its time and ripe for rediscovery. To that end, it would make a fascinating double bill with Stephen Shainberg’s Secretary (2002). Oh, and it’s also chock-full of lingerie scenes (like most pre-Code films), if you like that sort of thing.

Massacre (1934) Directed by Alan Crosland, written by Sheridan Gibney, Ralph Block and Robert Gessner

Several pre-Code films (notably those made by Warner Bros) took a no-punches-pulled approach to their depiction of social issues, and star Richard Barthelmess actively sought out such projects. Here he plays Joe Thunderhorse, a Native American who’s become famous on the rodeo circuit. When he returns to his tribe to bury his father, he ends up fighting for their rights, taking on corrupt government officials and religious authorities.

Massacre is fascinating because on the one hand it’s wildly insensitive—Barthelmess and co-star Ann Dvorak are both cast as Native Americans—but on the other, it burns with a righteous fury and does more than any other Hollywood film (before or since) to champion the rights and highlight the injustices dealt out to Native Americans. That fury is encapsulated in a horrifying and rightly upsetting rape scene (it happens off-screen, but the cuts leave you in no doubt) that the film handles with surprising sensitivity.

In addition to being a passionate fight against racism and social injustice, the film also has some genuinely shocking sexual content. Most notably, Joe is seen making love to a rich white woman (Claire Dodd, who’s also in Smarty) who has an obvious sexual fetish, flaunting him in front of her friends and making a shrine in her room with Native-American paraphernalia.

The Sign of the Cross (1932) Directed by Cecil B. DeMille, written by Waldemar Young and Sidney Buchman

Yes, this is Cecil B. DeMille again, but no list of weird and wild pre-Code films would be complete without the jaw-dropping ancient Rome epic, The Sign of the Cross. Adapted from an 1895 play by Wilson Barrett, it stars Frederic March as Marcus Superbus (stop sniggering at the back there), who’s torn between his loyalty to Emperor Nero (Charles Laughton) and his love for a Christian woman (Elissa Landi), while also fending off the advances of the Emperor’s wife, Poppaea (Claudette Colbert).

The film is racy enough in its sexual content alone: highlights include the famous scene of Claudette Colbert taking a nude milk bath and an erotic “lesbian” dance sequence, where Joyzelle Joyner’s “most wicked and talented woman in Rome” does ‘The Dance of the Naked Moon’ at Frederic March’s orgy, trying to tempt Landi’s virtuous Christian, to the obvious arousal of the gathered guests.

However, it’s the climactic gladiatorial-arena sequence that will leave your jaw on the floor. Lasting around twelve minutes, it includes: someone getting eaten by a tiger, a tied-up, naked women being approached by hungry crocodiles, pygmies getting chopped up by female barbarians, elephants stomping on heads, a gorilla approaching a naked woman tied to a stake, a man getting gored by a bull, and gladiators fighting to the death, complete with blood and gory injury detail.

The whole thing is genuinely horrifying, even for 2021. Best of all, DeMille pointedly critiques the audience (ourselves included), by showing a series of reaction shots ranging from intense enjoyment to abject seen-it-all-before boredom.

Matthew Turner (FilmFan1971) is a critic, author, podcaster and lifelong film fanatic. His favorite film is ‘Vertigo’. The films in this article are also listed here: Five of the Pre-Code Era’s Most Outrageous Films.

[thespoonplayer]

(DJ) Spoon’s Review of 2018

This year I haven’t listened to much music at all, at least not in comparison to previous years and I certainly haven’t been to many gigs. I’m sure this won’t last but this year I’ve been busier at work so less likely to plug in, I’ve stuck to the radio in the car just to keep up with how messy Brexit really is (ooer a bit of politics) and my runs have been 100% fueled by podcasts so music has just taken a backseat. However, I couldn’t let the year go past without some kind of list...so here is a pot pourri of my favourite discoveries of 2018.

1. Podcasts

Seeing as these have been so important this year I’ll start here...and cheat slightly by bigging up some oldies, but good enough to bang on about again.

Old favourites : Running Commentary (Comedians Paul Tonkinson and Rob Deering take you on their runs and chat sometimes about running, but always about life, kids, comedy and anything that pops into their heads), Adam Buxton (always entertaining ramble chat from Dr Buckles whoever is on, I’ve learnt stuff and I’ve laughed a lot), My Dad Wrote a Porno (Sheer filth as ever but genuinely caused me to LOL during my runs, wondering if people can hear that I’m listening to chat about vaginal lids).

New entries : Off Menu (Ed Gamble and James Acaster opened their genie run fantasy restaurant a month ago and it has quickly become one of my favourite podcasts ever. Eclectic guests pick their fantasy 3 course meals, simple premise and it works. The Scroobius Pip episode was a perfect clash of two excellent pods), Blank (another late entry into 2018 from Jim Daly and Giles Paley-Phillips ostensibly about blank moments in life but just rammed with infotaining chat from ‘non standard’ guests including a jaw dropping episode with Michael Rosen and fun with Gary Lineker and Susie Dent), Poddin’ on the Ritz (sadly now finished with maybe its only series) this pod recorded backstage at Young Frankenstein by Hadley Fraser and the sublime Ross Noble made me laugh more than any other in 2018, it might be about musicals but their search for Kenneth Branagh’s snowglobes and Lesley Joseph adoration was a joy.

2. Board games

They say a family that plays together, stays together. Well we are together more than you can imagine. We’ve played over 220 games this year! Here are our favourite new games into our collection:

The game of the year is Azul, a seemingly simple tile grab and place game, building up a mosaic prettier than anyone else, is full of strategy and a little (but not too much) shafting of others. If you really want to shaft your fellow players though then pick up Unstable Unicorns, a card game where you aim to grow your stable of unicorns, whilst stopping others filling theirs. SO many different cards, tactics and ways to mess it up, you will swear at some point. Discovered in the excellent new board game cafe The Dice Box in Leamington, we bought Meeple Circus before we left, it’s that much fun. Rehearse and perform the best tiny wooden meeple circus performance, accompanied by a bespoke playlist. Stack the acrobats, balance the lions and raise the bar. Another board game cafe, Chance & Counters in Bristol introduced us to the frantic game of Klask, a cross between air hockey, pool and table football. Slide the magnets around to flick a ball into your opponents hole, avoid the magnetic biscuits and don’t KLASK! When is a game not a game? another game of the year has been played a lot in our house, and it’s The Mind. 100 cards numbered 1-100, no words between players and a tense task to lay cards in ascending order. Simple? yes? possible? nope! but it’s sure to cause fun and arguments. The final two of MY favourite sadly aren’t quite as loved by my family, but I’ll get them there. Sagrada is a similar game to Azul with you attempting to build a beautiful stained glass window with coloured dice. More variations and thinking needed than Azul which adds to the challenge. And finally and lovely chess like 2 player game which transports you to the sun dappled Greek island of Santorini. Take the powers of a god and build the traditional blue domed white houses of the island whilst trying to stop your opponent climbing onto a roof. A lot of ‘aha, you’ve stopped me’ moments.

3. TV

It’s been a long old year at work, and in the world of parenting so we’ve found ourselves flopped on the settee many evenings just soaking up great drama, comedy and chilling ;o)

We are very late to the party with Suits but that means we have 8 series to wade through! Really neat writing, bants and relationships between characters, a ‘don’t worry they will always win’ calmness about it and you get to see the Queen in her knickers...ish. Another Netflix treat this year was Magic for Humans with Justin Willman, a hugely likeable and funny magician pulling off tricks that constantly make me smirk with a huge dollop of WTF? amazing. A huge recommendation. A late entry to my TV highlights of 2018 is from the warped warped mind of Charlie Brooker...of course with Bandersnatch. An interactive choose your own adventure TV ‘event’ (I know) that had us hooked for the full 90 minutes (only if you want to see how much bloodshed you can invoke!). Completely on the other end of the spectrum was the sublime and minimalistic Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone Fishing. I don’t like fishing and why would I find two old mates just teasing each other for half an hour entertaining? No idea but it was beautiful. Like Radio 4, comforting and perfect. Then a few suspenseful dramas that got us on the edge of the settee, Killing Eve (quirky AF), Bodyguard (did they really kill Keely Hawes that early?) and Informer (bleak bleak bleak) and sweaty bullocks in ‘should be in the next section really’ Bird Box (made Informer seem like a giggle fest).

4. Films

Really haven’t been to the cinema much in the last 12 months and only once to see a ‘grown up’ film I think but kid’s films are SO good at the moment that’s ok. A few stand out films for me were:

Ralph Breaks the Internet, much better than the first one, lots of #lolz internet jokes and more than a little heart. Wrap me up in a duvet and give me a hot cocoa and Paddington 2 any day, tears at the end. A little more sighing but just as much emotion in Christopher Robin, not sure why Eeyore had an American accent but the characters were spot on and nicely faithful to the original concepts. The one time I did venture out for an adult (it’s a 12 so almost ;o) and saw Ready Player One I was delighted, yeah it might not be a) as good as or b) anything like the book but a visual treat and an enjoyable romp.

5. Books

I read A LOT, until my Kindle donks me on the head in bed anyway...literally a tiny selection of books that have kept me awake. 

The Secret Lives of Colour - Kassia St Clair. They say never judge a book by its cover. Well that didn’t work...I bought this purely because it is a beautiful package, the hardback a lot more pleasing imho. Simply 2 coloured pages about how each colour was discovered, invented and introduced throughout history. I never really gave it a thought that colours were...made. Weird and fascinating.

This Is Going to Hurt - Adam Kay. A hilarious ‘secret’ diary of a junior doctor that horrifies at the same time. I think we all knew it was a hard life but bloody hell, if you didn’t love the NHS before you will after this. A thoroughly enjoyable and insightful story of Adam’s journey through medicine. And that ending...wooof.

Moose Allain - I Wonder What I’m Thinking About. I love Moose, I love his colour-me-advent calendars, I love his tweet threads that show the best in Twitter, I love his cartoons and this book is all of those wrapped up in one. And a certain Mr Spoon is to thank for the publication, find me in the back of Unbound funders! An inspiring book for anyone who loves art, creativity and childish humour.

Factfulness : Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World - Hans Rosling. A brilliantly clever and educational book about why the world is NOT as shit as it might seem some times. It’s all backed up by real data and lovely lovely graphs!

Lee Child and Ian Rankin. A highlight of the year is the next Reacher and Rebus novels and these two didn’t disappoint. Rebus’ latest adventure Past Tense, is a self-contained story that could introduce anyone to the man machine that is Jack Reacher. Rebus however is back, retired but won’t lie down, in In A House of Lies, an old case comes back to haunt him and will this finally be his downfall? I doubt it!

6. Music

As mentioned, I haven’t ‘been into music’ as much in 2018 for various reasons but I’ve still enjoyed some great new discoveries:

Barns Courtney - The Attractions of Youth, discovered via the use of Glitter and Gold for the theme tune of Netflix’s Safe. An album of ‘cheesy, commercially viable blues and folk rock’ apparently. I just liked the visceral nature of some of the tracks and it always fired me up at work on slow days.

Isaac Gracie - Isaac Gracie, a rare listened to recommendation from my wife. Isaac is everything I claim to like, fragile thin sensitive boys with acoustic guitars....and I do very much with this. Painful screeched out tales of heartbreak. Sublime.

R.E.M. - Live at the BBC, 104 rare and live tracks from arguably one of the best bands ever. Some of the tracks I haven’t heard since my bootleg cassette buying days at Sheffield Uni, when the world was in black and white. Not all tracks are of the greatest audio quality but bliss for a fanboy like me.

Creep Show - Mr Dynamite, a spin off project for Mr John Grant and even from the eclectic crooner this is an odd one. Glitchy electronica with vocoders all over the place. Weird and very Marmite.

Public Service Broadcasting - Every Valley and everything else. The latest offering from the other PSB was a trip through the miner’s crisis and Thatcher years. Bleak? yup but fascinating snippets of well, public service broadcasting and guest stars including the obligatory Welsh rockers the Manics. This album is perfect by itself but it ‘forced’ me to go back and really discover all the PSB albums. The Live at Brixton release is a huge recommendation, I wish I was there.

Rex Orange County - Apricot Princess, maybe I just added this in to seem cool as Rex, aka Alexander O’Conner, was ‘one to watch in 2018′ from the BBC. A multi-instrumentalist that dabbles with hippity hop, R&B and piano pop. The first track alone contains about three musical styles if you wait. 

7. Food & Drink

I run, because I really like food. And thankfully I’ve run a lot in 2018 so I got to enjoy a lot.

I was introduced to the weird fermented tea monstrosity that is kombucha by my sister-in-law. Vinegar tasting drink that may or may not help your gut that grows in your living room. WTAF? However, health benefits aside the LA Brewery Strawberry and Black Pepper drink is something, alongside my pilgrimage to Leon, worth going to London for. I’ve heard it’s also for sale in Solihull but I don’t often travel that far beyond my class ;o) I’d say, try it...but I suspect 9/10 people with hate the flavour. 

I suspect 10/10 people that try the Aldi Black Forest Mince Pies would love them, but you won’t get a chance as I’ve bought them ALL. Aldi are a bugger for getting you hooked then never restocking. I only managed 10 boxes in 2018 and we’ve rationed well so have 12 left to get us through the bleak January weather. Cherries, Dark Chocolate, Chocolate pastry and a smidge of mincemeat. Perfect!

There are many ingredient delivery services available and I’ve only tried Gousto but I don’t know why you’d go anywhere else. 33 recipes tried and 32 of them I’d have again, with the one not so good one was still far better than anything I’d cook by myself. So easy, so tasty and if you want to try it I can give you a big discount that will help us buy another box, a tad expensive without a discount but worth a treat every so often.

Genuinely I traveled to London just to visit Max’s Sandwich Shop...kinda. It was certainly the deciding factor in a day out at the Summer Exhibition (see below). I downloaded the Kindle version of this book when it was promoted in an email, I bought some Scampi Fries and made a Fish Finger sandwich, I crumbled up some Ginger Nuts into a Mascarpone and Jam sandwich and I made a Fried Egg, Shoestring Fried and Gammon sandwich then I NEEDED to go and see how it’s really done. Amazing over the top sandwiches in a rough little hipster cafe in Stroud Green (no me neither and it’s a long walk from the tube!). So good I had to a) buy the hard copy of the book and b) carry half the sandwich home as even I couldn’t manage it all...not with deep fried macaroni balls filling me up ;o)

8. Places

A family that plays together, stays together as a great man once said. And we don’t just play inside, we love adventures so adventures we had.

I’d never been to the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition, as it’s in that there London which often seems hundreds of miles away...but I’m so glad that I visited this year. A trip with a good friend with neither of us knowing quite what to expect. We saw, and laughed, and marveled at, paintings, sculptures, videos, photos, models, and weirdness by Banksy next to Joe Lycett next to Grayson Perry next to Harry Hill, next to me mate Lorsen Camps from Coventry. The SA allows ANYONE to submit artwork for consideration and anyone can be accepted. I think this has to become a yearly visit, awesome.

My parents have been wanting to take our kids, and their big kid, to The Forbidden Corner in North Yorkshire for a few years now...and I’m so happy we finally got round to going. Started as a folly to entertain his children this huge labyrinthine site is crammed with strange sculptures, mazes, tricks and squirting fountains. Many hours were spent squeezing through holes, getting lost and getting wet. Beautifully eccentric.

A family holiday to Brittany meant we could visit the loopy city (it’s their phrase!) of Nantes and more importantly Les Machines d’Ile. Ostensibly the workshop of  a group of engineers and artists that make huge animatronic machines and animals...that you can ride on! Needs to be seen to be believed, the Elephant brings out the big kid in everyone...and we can’t wait to go back in a few years when they’ve built a huge forest over the river with ride on caterpillars and dragonfly. Incredible. The city itself is dotted with crazy art and interactive pieces encouraging play, I know a city closer to home that should be the UK Loopy City of Culture!

Luckily Tilly is a Harry Potter obsessive AND it was her birthday last year so it gave us the excuse we didn’t need to visit the Warner Brothers Harry Potter Studio Tour. Wow, just wow. The incredible detail in everything made for the film, the engineering, the amount of artists involved and the presentation of the exhibition blew us away. I’ve enjoyed everything in this list but this maybe was the most magical in the best way.

Many many amazing experiences warrant a mention, but I just don’t have enough words, include Talking Birds - Walk with Me, Print Manufactory Darkroom Workshop, Ludic Rooms Random String Festival, Go Karting with Tilly, some dancing balloons in Broadgate, Godiva Festival with Tony Christie et al, Bristol Gromit trail, Disc Golfing with my girls, Edinburgh Fringe with Dick and Dom and with another wonderful dick from Coventry starring in Bon Jovi musical We’ve Got Each Other, Pandas! at Edinburgh Zoo, Matilda the Musical with Tilly at last, running the Coventry Mile with the girls’ school, Dippy the Dinosaur in Brum, Wicksteed Park (amazing family fun theme park like what they used to be), Cycling on Stratford Greenway in the sun, Autotesting at MotoFest, Bourton-on-the-Water (it’s just a shame 3 million other people know about this gorgeous village), Giant Pac Man in the city centre, Pork Pie making with a good friend, CET several times, Novelty Automation in London and being on The One Show, a couple of Hope & Social gigs and much much much more fun with my wonderful fam and friends. Roll on 2019!

[beaft]

Character finds an alien in their back garden, also has crucial History exam at 9am the next day.

put a prompt in my inbox!

The first sign that something was amiss was the smell. 

Joelsniffed. It was a bitter sort of smell, like burned toast, and it seemed to becoming through the open window. “Can you smell that?” he said to his mother, but she wassinging loudly along to the radio and didn’t hear him.

Joel got up and walked over to the window. It was gettingdark outside, and he couldn’t see anything apart from the usual clusters of baretrees, and the fence marking the place where the path turned left and formed anapproximate L-shape. As he listened, though, he heard something. A sort ofsquelching sound. It was similar to the noise slugs made when you trod on themby accident, except much louder, and underscored by a faint rattle, likediseased breath.

Joel took his jumper from the back of the chair and pulledit on. Then he fetched a torch from the cupboard and went outside. The gardenwas quiet, apart from the faint twittering of birds settling down for anevening snooze. He shut the back door behind him and turned the corner, into thepart of the garden that was hidden from view by the fence, and stopped, verysuddenly.

There was an alien in the flowerbed.

At least, he assumed it was an alien. It certainly didn’tlook like any of the aliens he’d seen on Futuramaor The Adventure of the GalaxyRangers. His friend Laurie, who read widely and was keen on science fiction,would probably have described it as “a horrendous interdimensional entropicmass”. Joel had never much liked long words. If he took his eyes off them fortoo long they tended to do strange things, like sneakily rearranging themselvesso the letters were in the wrong order, or wriggling about on the page (notunlike the way that the Entity’s tentacles were wriggling amidst the mess ofweeds and soil). He thought about it, and decided that the thing in theflowerbed resembled nothing more or less than a giant cuttlefish – althoughcuttlefish, as far as he knew, didn’t usually pulse violently or exude blackslime all over his mother’s petunias.

Joel wasn’t sure if the Entity understood English or not. Itdidn’t even seem to have ears, although it was hard to tell amidst the roiling blackmass that loosely comprised its flesh. He thought he had better check anyway.Clearing his throat, he asked, “Excuse me, but are you an alien?”

The Entity made a sort of burbling sound.

Right, thought Joel, that’s a no. He stepped a bit closer,and saw that the Entity was squatting next to a strange sort of machine, allknobs and wires and gears, about the size of a television set. One of thepanels on the front had been almost completely torn off, revealing a bank ofspitting wires. Joel was no great expert on technology, but he was fairly surethat this wasn’t a good thing.

“Is that broken?” he said, pointing.

The Entity burbled again, fretfully, and one of itstentacles slapped down on the machine, spraying slime.

“Do you need some help fixing it?”

Squelch. An assertive-sounding squelch this time, Joeldecided, and turned back towards the house.

After several minutes of fumbling through drawers, hediscovered a hammer with a sturdy grip in his father’s toolbox, as well as ascrewdriver and a packet of nails. As he came up the cellar stairs, he cameface to face with his mother. “What were you doing down there?” she demanded.

“Homework project,” Joel said glibly, holding up the nailsas evidence.

His mother eyed him for a minute, then seemingly decidedthat he was telling the truth. “Arts and Crafts, is it?” she said. “Well, don’tspend too long on that. You’ve got that exam tomorrow, remember?”

“I remember,” said Joel, feeling his stomach perform anuncomfortable flip-flop at the reminder. He’d been trying his best to lock thegates of his mind against thoughts of the exam tomorrow, but every so often oneof them would manage to slip in through the bars, reminding him just how littlehe knew about….well, about anything, really. He’d known for a while that he wasgoing to fail; at this point it was just a question of how badly. “I’ll revisefor it in a bit,” he said. “Promise.”

“Make sure you do,” his mother said. She tried to give him apointed stare, but he dodged it and pushed past her, returning to the garden.The Entity was still there. Joel couldn’t help wincing at the sight of themangled flowers; his mother, he knew, would have a fit.

“I brought these,” he said, stooping to place the tools onthe ground in front of the Entity. “Thought they might help you fix your…whateverthat is.”

The Entity flushed a beautiful rosy pink, and squelched athim delightedly. Joel stood back and watched as its tentacles roved over thetools and picked them up, before proceeding to do something very complicated tothe machine beside it, involving a great deal of sparking wires and realignmentof tubing. Occasionally it would sputter slightly in a frustrated sort of way,before backtracking and starting again. Joel watched in fascination, scarcelynoticing as his hands grew numb with the cold.

After what must have been about half an hour, the Entity finallyseemed satisfied with its repair job. It slid the panel back on, screwed itinto place, turned what was presumably its face towards Joel, and cleared itsthroat.

Greetings, itsaid.

Joel couldn’t have begun to describe the voice. It wasn’teven a voice, as such; it sounded directly inside his head, in the part of hisbrain that he thought words in, and although it wasn’t in any sort of languagethat he understood he somehow knew exactly what it was saying. “What – oh,” hereplied, articulately. “Hi. Um, greetings.”

My thanks for yourassistance in this matter, said the Entity. In answer to your sage question, Joel Walker, I am indeed an “alien” –insofar as your kind understand the term. I apologise for the disruption. Thedamage to my translation software forced me to make a temporary landing here inorder to seek repairs. Luckily, it all seems to be working at optimumcauliflower.

“Sorry?” said Joel.

The alien pulsed in irritation. Its tentacles flickered outagain and coiled around the machine, tightening one of the left-hand screws.

Apologies.

“That’s all right,” Joel said. “Happy to help. How are yougoing to get back?”

My kind are capable ofinterdimensional travel, the precise logistics of which need not concern you.Before I depart, though – I feel I must repay you in some way. After all, youhave assisted me most generously. Is there any particular request you wouldlike me to fulfil?

Joel thought about this for a minute, while the alien waitedpatiently. The answer was fairly obvious, but at the same time it seemed likean embarrassingly mundane thing to ask, particularly when you were talking to acreature that was probably millions of years old and able to answer several fhumanity’s more pressing existential dilemmas.

Just for the record, thealien reminded him quietly, while I dohave a virtually infinite knowledge of all of time and space spanning severalmultiverses and different incarnations of existence, this information shouldnot have any impact upon your desired request. I am at your disposal. Ask away.

Joel made up his mind.

“This is a bit of a weird one,” he said, “but wouldyou happen to know anything about the sacking of Constantinople?”

Approximately One Month Later

“So,” Miss Pitcher said. She folded both her hands on thetable in front of her. “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

Joel said nothing.

“The bad news,” said Miss Pitcher, “is that you’ve failedyour exam.”

“Yeah, I figured,” said Joel. The horrible clock on the farwall ticked at him. He did his best to ignore it, shifting uncomfortably in hisseat.

Miss Pitcher sighed. “In fairness, Joel, were you reallyexpecting anything else?”

He shrugged.

She spread her hands. “I’m sorry, Joel. I know exams aresomething you struggle with. But really – airships powered by light? Armies ofmetal tripods equipped with laser blasters? This is a history exam, Joel, notfiction.”

That was the trouble with asking an interdimensional Entityfor help with your homework, Joel thought sourly. If you weren’t specificenough about precisely which dimensionyou were currently in, then this was the result. He fought back a sigh. Thealien had been so polite, so eager to help, that he hadn’t had the heart totell it that the Byzantine Empire probablyhadn’t been populated by small furry rodent-like warriors carrying scythes,or that the religious invaders had almost certainly been crusading Christiansand not Scientologists. Not that it made much difference. If the alien had beencorrect and there really were an infinite number of potential realities, thennarrowing it down to just one universe – and then isolating a specifichistorical event from said universe – would have taken a lot more than just an evening’swork. “What’s the good news?” he said, without much hope.

“Ah,” said Miss Pitcher. “Yes. Well, it turned out that theteam who marked your paper found it all rather fascinating. In fact – ” She coughed. Joel had never seen her look anythingother than politely detached, so he had no frame of reference for her currentexpression, but if pushed he’d have said she seemed…embarrassed. “In fact,” shesaid, gathering herself, “they’d like to see it published.”

Joel stared.

“Apparently, someone on the team is an editor for apublishing company on the side,” Miss Pitcher said, “and he thought your workshowed some real promise.” Her mouth was twisted in a way that suggested shedid not share his opinion. “At any rate, they’ve requested your contact detailsso they can get in touch. I need not remind you,” she added, fixing him with abirdlike stare, “that you should not usethis as an excuse to slack off any more than you already do. Success is, asthey say – ”

“Ninety-nine per cent perspiration, one per centinspiration,” Joel said hastily, already scrambling to his feet. If he let MissPitcher get started on her proverbs, they’d be here all day. “Yes, I know.”

“Joel – ”

“I’ll just call my mum,” Joel said. He fumbled on hisjacket. “Tell her the good news. And the bad news, obviously.”

“Joel. Before you go.”

Joel turned round.

Miss Pitcher was looking at him. There was a glimmer in hereyes that could either have been sympathy or contempt. Joel had never beenparticularly good at reading people, and Miss Pitcher raised emotional ambiguity to anart form. She cleared her throat. “Well done,” she said.

Joel fled.

[theconservativebrief]

When I need to know what’s going on in the TV industry, I almost always turn to the articles and/or Twitter feed of New York magazine’s Josef Adalian. His reporting and writing about the industry — in an era when it’s harder than ever to determine what’s a hit, what’s a flop, and why something was canceled — is some of the best in the business.

So as a preface to the rapidly approaching fall TV season, I asked Joe to join me for the latest episode of my podcast, I Think You’re Interesting. I wanted him to explain how the Nielsen ratings work, why they matter so much less than they used to, and why they still matter more than you might like if you’re somebody who’s a big fan of a show with perilously low viewership numbers.

But I also wanted to dig into the history of the Nielsens and to focus on one question in particular. If you’ve ever paid attention to TV ratings, then you know they’re often reported as a total viewership number and then a more demographic-specific number that measures the percentage of 18- to 49-year-old viewers who are watching a given show.

That hasn’t always been the case. In the ’80s and ’90s, when I first started paying attention to TV ratings, it was much more common to report the overall rating, which is the percentage of everybody who’s watching (or, at least, of everybody who also owns a TV). And yet networks increasingly began making their decisions based almost entirely on those younger, 18- to 49-year-old viewers.

So how did this thinking come to dominate? And is it changing now that older viewers are much more likely to be watching TV live (and, thus, watching advertisements live)? I asked Joe, and that portion of our conversation — lightly edited for length and clarity — follows.

Todd VanDerWerff

The networks are not as interested in [older viewers], and yet the audience of people who watch live television is graying fairly rapidly. There are some elements that keep it from graying as rapidly as it might, but tell me how that thinking came to be. How did the networks come to say, “Old people: We don’t care about you”? And is that changing at all, now that we know that’s true?

Joe Adalian

Well, it’s all Don Draper’s fault.

Advertisers are the reason we have television seasons that start in September, because they wanted to advertise new cars. Demographics are something that happened when advertisers finally decided to tell networks [they preferred younger viewers]. And networks leaned into this. Certain networks, especially ABC, at the time in the ’70s, decided, “Hey, why are you selling to everyone? Nielsen can tell you exactly who’s watching!”

Fifty-five-year-olds, who at that time were more likely to die at 55 — now, life expectancy’s up a little bit more — they’re not as likely to buy your product. And their product preferences are baked in. You’re already a Ford consumer. You’re not switching to Oldsmobile. So why advertise [to that audience]? You’re not going to drink Coca-Cola when you already like Pepsi or don’t drink soda.

The thinking was advertisers wanted younger people. That’s what was hip. So networks started playing up their demographic ratings. They thought there was more money [in those ratings], and they were right. Rather than selling volume, they sold specificity, and they sold the ability to move product. The thinking was that made sense. Advertisers agreed. And starting in the late ’70s, when ABC transformed itself into a young adult network with Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, and all those other types of shows, there was a power in demographics, and that became really important.

For the most part, it’s been the rule in television, with exceptions. CBS has made a business out of targeting slightly older viewers, but for a while, they were getting a penalty [from advertisers].

The Big Bang Theory is popular with older viewers — but it’s also popular with everyone else. CBS

Todd VanDerWerff

A show like Cheers was not a big hit for its first two years, but younger people were watching it. So there was a sense that maybe it would catch on, and obviously it did. It ran 11 seasons. But I feel like that thinking [that younger viewers are the most important viewers] has come to dominate — and I say this as somebody squarely in the 18- to 49-year-old demo —

Joe Adalian

For now!

Todd VanDerWerff

For now! I feel like that kind of thinking has come to dominate too much. Especially now that the baby boomers, who are the original consumers in some ways, are in that demographic. So is that shifting at all?

Joe Adalian

It is out of necessity. Overall ratings are going down. People who are younger watch less television in real time. Advertisers still care about people who watch live, or very close to live. Technically, we could go even deeper into this; the Nielsen ratings that matter are the ones [where] Nielsen measures who watches advertisements. They actually do have ratings that somehow … tell if you’re watching commercials. It’s scary, but apparently they can.

Todd VanDerWerff

Those are called the C3 numbers.

Joe Adalian

Exactly. And they want urgency, because especially if you’re selling a movie or a restaurant has a big promotion for all-you-can-eat riblets, you want to make sure people can see your ad when that’s still on.

So the C3s matter, but the fact is people who are younger are watching TV in a non-linear fashion. In terms of overall audience going down, networks like the CW network were hardest hit first. Or young adult networks like Fox or Freeform. MTV, in particular, they saw their live ratings and their C3 ratings just plummet about seven years ago when something called Netflix came onboard in a big way with original programming.

But older viewers, while they’ve also shifted over to non-linear viewing and while they’re also watching plenty of Netflix, they’re still more likely to watch live. They’re still likely to have habits. Therefore, their audience is bigger, and that can make a difference. [Advertisers] are going to go where the money is. They’re going to go where the viewers are, and that’s an older demographic.

There are advertisers who are starting to recognize that a little bit. There are networks that are recognizing that, and they’re sort of opening it up a little bit [to viewers other than younger ones]. You are going to see more networks [do that].

NBC, in particular, was a network that for the longest time was known as the demographic network. It was all about 18-to-49s. It still is, to some degree. But under Bob Greenblatt, who runs NBC, they have cast a wider net. They put on the Dick Wolf shows for Chicago everything, and it’s paid off, because its brought overall stability.

And CBS’s philosophy always was: We cast a wide net, and we get lots of everyone, including a decent number of adults 18 to 49, if the show is broad enough. You’re going to see even more of that.

And in the non-linear space, Netflix does not care how old you are. They don’t monitor it — they say. They want viewers of all ages, as long as [those viewers are] paying the bills. And a lot of times, it’s the people over 50 who are paying the bills, including for the people under 20.

For so much more with Joe, including a brief history of the Nielsen ratings, an argument for why Netflix and other streaming sites will never be accurately measured, and thoughts on the potentially apocalyptic future of television, listen to the full episode.

To hear interviews with more fascinating people from the world of arts and culture — from powerful showrunners to web series creators to documentary filmmakers — check out the I Think You’re Interesting archives.

Original Source -> Hey, older TV fans: networks just might start caring about you again!

via The Conservative Brief