#this one is somehow not csa. an outlier.

[factumnihil2]

i've improved. i've gotten better. three years ago i'd be putting on layer after layer of clothes and shaking with panic and now i sit in thin summer pajamas, completely still. yet the magnitude of these thoughts does not escape me. i wrote a note. i was going to do it. because the doctor told the nurse to hold me down.

[seroquelled]

recurring dreams masterpost

warning ROUGH stuff but we stay silly

2012- 2013 | frequency approx 3-4 times monthly tapering to once everh couple months over the course of a year

being in london (sherlock phase..... christ alive) walking along the river eventually making it to a bridge and nearly being hit by multiple cars but everu time i should be its like they clip through me. v cold v windy. crawling my way up the metal of the arches somehow n making it allcthe way to the top. sitting up there bullet - hollywood undead style eventually helicopters show up ?? cops below n shit yelling at me and i jump every time but when i do its like im falling in super slow motion like the air is holding me up and get so frustrated because all i want to do is hit the water . i wake up before i make it down every time

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this one is the roughest cw infant death , csa jic

2016 - current | like once every few months in 2016, big gap in 2017, once or twice in 2018, maybe once a year if that 2019-2020, constantly for like three months in a row early 2021, barely at all 2022, and then recently twice at the beginning of this year

this ones at least a little different most times with some outlier variants. the consistencies are that im always in a big line of people sort of like an airport crossed w a museum but the room is huge and empty with a corridor at the end that the line disappears into and snakes away into a maze like hallways where i can never see the end. im between the ages of 4-6 in a group of adults i dont recognize, one of which has a stroller w an infant, nobody is speaking but the baby is babbling and im feeling very impatient but i dont say anything. stand there for what feels like forever and without saying anything the adult w the stroller undresses and starts sodomizing the infant and i stand there and cant do anything. eventtually i realize i have to do something and i run away and try to get the attention of the people in the line in front of me, moving from group to group but im crying so much i cant explain whats happening but i dont understand why nobody is doing anything. this is basically it. there are other versions where i go back and everyone is gone and the baby is dead or i go back and am screamed at and beaten for running away (but not for saying anything i guess? because i couldnt) but sometimes i dont go back at all and it just ends

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2015, 2020 | ive only had this one a handful of times total, mostly in 2015 but then a couple times after i told isaac abt it and havent had it since

im at a massive outdoor rave/party w many stages, its mostly open grass but with some areas of concrete and the lit areas are primarily around the concrete brick bathrooms. no idea who i went there with but i know it was with a big group of older people and that im no older than 15 in the dream. i wander away and am having a nice time weaving through groups of people away from the stages where i can hear music in the background. lots of trash everywhere, blankets crumpled up where people have left them or are sitting on them drinking. picking up half drank or empty beer cans getting drunk on the dregs. being mad that i cant find any drugs to do and that people wont give me any. at some point i realize im being followed and that turns into being chased and it gets increasingly more difficult not to trip over people on the ground and everyone is annoyed that im trying to get around them. get caught behind one of the bathrooms and pushed onto the dead grass, punched in the face and i can tell my nose is bleeding bc i can taste it, the guy chasing me pulls my pants off and one of the people standing around watching takes them. at this point my perspective switches from mine to my assailant and i watch him rape me and then drag me over to the bathroom sidewalk/area thing and bash my head against the concrete 😵‍💫😬 sheesh!

t.b.c someday when i remember the other ones better

edit: these are also all dreams that i wrote in my dream journal assigned to me by my psychology professor out of spite bc i was like i dont want to write my dreams they suck and she was like Well You Have To and when i turned it in after like 3 weeks of being late she just wrote 'Yikes! :(' in the margins LMFAO