#this one is even worse than 'Kaeya is a segment of Pierro' because this makes no sense in universe and in a metatextual context
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cluescorner · 2 years ago
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NEW GOOFY IDEA FROM CLUE (In other news, the sky is blue)
Ok, so here’s my bullshit. It’s 100% incorrect and it came to me with all the subtlety of a freight train and all the lead-up of a sudden sneeze. But here it is:
Pierro is Kaeya’s dad. However, Kaeya also has ANOTHER DAD who I will call ‘General Alberich’ from here on out. Pierro and General Alberich were in the midst of a messy divorce when the cataclysm happened, but the apocalypse kinda backs up the family court system. After everybody got fucked up, Pierro and General Alberich had completely different ideas of what needed to be done and so they went their separate ways (Pierro deciding to make a new world with the Tsaritsa vs General Alberich trying to rebuild Khaenri’ah or whatever tf the Alberich clan is up to). Pierro wound up needing to leave everything behind in order to found the Fatui and so General Alberich effectively winds up with custody of Kaeya. So Kaeya is raised in the Abyss and is trained as the child savior of Khaenri’ah, then is left in Mondstadt to spy for the Abyss.
Fast forward like 18 years and now Pierro has received word from La Signora from her notes written pre-death that the current Cavalry Captain is some asshole named Kaeya Alberich (huh he looks kinda similar to the boss I wonder why ANYWAYS) and Pierro LOSES HIS SHIT because they went through that whole custody battle and the FUCKING APOCALYPSE only for General Alberich to put their kid in Mondstadt. Or maybe Kaeya ran away? Regardless, Pierro is now going to Mondstadt in order to find his kid and reunite with him + get him to spy for the Fatui. At roughly the same time, General Alberich is like ‘huh I haven’t heard from my son in a while maybe I should go check up on him’ and goes to Mondstadt to get Kaeya to keep spying for the Abyss. Meanwhile poor Kaeya is just living a relatively peaceful life in Mondstat and he just wants to keep doing what he’s doing and suddenly BOTH OF HIS DADS ARE POPPING INTO MONDSTADT AND ARE ASKING HIM TO START SPYING FOR THEM.  
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