#this might be rushed to shit but ill be damned if i didnt contribute to ais day somehoe

[redstrewn]

Last min speed doodle for my fav poor violent meow meow

[dancing-with-dichotomies]

“Lone Pearl Cowgirl” Ch5 update/Important mentions

I've been feeling... Pretty super horribly awful down lately, like bottom of the bottom... Been fighting several things at once. A persistant seasonal depression, probably. My massive damn writing block that's haunted every single thing I've tried to write all this damn year, and part of the last too. My damned body that just Won't. Stop. Hurting. EVER...

And my abusive family, my family that is literally in a damn cult, my family that "lowkey" supported the second-coming of the worst kinds of evil, even though not a small portion of our family once escaped that... Them holding me down, manipulating me knowing I am disabled, isolating me all my life and using me...And I can only hope that being able to live away from them won't just be a dream when I'm disabled but can't get disability, live in one of the priciest damned states in the country, and my parents keep sabotaging me and using me and manipulating me. I've tried to claw myself away from them. It hurts to keep seeing them selfishly sabotage me and having others judge me. So much of my life hurts, but especially lately, around winter, around my birthday... And they always actively dunk on me harder around my birthday...

That, plus my pain increasing, and... and, and, and... Well, you probably already get it if yer one of the ones who even really cared, so I won't go on if yer not, but...

Anyways I feel like it so I wanna tell the people who REALLY helped me to survive what was one of the worst bouts of depression I've had in years, even knowing I generally get depressed periodically... You guys are really the ones who made a difference this time and you should know it.

crappy-crapolice  -- Change yer nickname already, Crappy. Yer the awesomest. XP XD Really dude, most of the time we just BS and have fun with various fandom shit, but you've seen me at my lowest points not just once but a few times, seen me get paranoid and doubt you a few times, but you've always been so patient and amazing about reminding me that it's my mental illness making me think/believe those things. And you've always been so great at reminding me when I need those reminders, but without judging me or shaming me. You've been so nice about really listening to my issues and realizing how many struggles I face that the average person doesn't, how I get way less help, way more demands, and way more obstruction than the average person, and you've showed me real sympathy instead of the usual "get over it already, nobody cares about what happened in your past only that you can contribute in the present" or "I'm sorry that happened to you, but also this bores me, can't we just talk about nice things 24-7..." type 'sympathy' most people settle for all too quickly... You've been the one to remind me of my own limitations when most people don't even want to hear about it, won't even let me finish before they judge me. Most just settle for assuming that someone in a bad position must deserve it. That they're not working hard enough or something. You're one of the few that really understood... Because you're one of the few who really listened long enough and didn't just blow me off or dismiss me. You treated me like I'm still a normal human being even when I've been in the midst of going kinda crazy from the stress, and that's what's managed to bring me back sometimes... Also, I hardly ever even TALK about the fandom we started out in anymore, I actually kinda dislike that fandom more than not after it all was over with, and you've still treated me like a friend. A lot of people would just drift away if you weren't interested in their fandom anymore. But you care about not just my other fandom interests too, but my original work. That really means a lot to me, NOT-Crappy. Thanks, dude. <3

Iris - People like you give me hope for the future. You work so incredibly hard for such a selfless cause. People even really mistreat doctors where you're from, and you're still determined to make it your life mission to heal and save and educate as many people as you can. Of course like I've told you to, you need to remember to make time for yourself! But I'm so incredibly grateful you've made time for me too... Again, we fandom BS a lot, but we also talk about the heavy stuff too, and I wanna let you know I appreciate it, that it helps make it feel lighter about it overall and I hope you do too. You always really listen and talk with me, have answered questions I've had, and are concerned about how I'm really feeling, instead of just rushing to cover up my troubles. It's doubly impressive that you manage to be so patient when you work so long and so hard. I have some pretty bad issues with feelings of being abandoned and "disappeared", so I really especially appreciate you talking me through that. It's also super impressive to me that despite us having a couple times where we both kinda unintentionally offended the other saying things that didnt quite come out right over the keyboard, that we managed to talk to each other about how we felt about it and clarify that no harm was meant. I know you're really busy and sometimes a while goes by where we don't talk, and even still it's easy to trust that you wouldn't just disappear on me, and that you'd really care if I truly disappeared too... I just want you to know. You're not just a My Hero-fan, you're a legit real life hero to me and I know to a lot of other people too. <3 <3

closet-cryptid/Michelle - We sometimes go a while without talking nowadays, I know we both know how hard it is with a little one, and that yer net sometimes goes in and out. But again, yer one of those friends I trust enough that it doesn't  matter. It actually amazes me even more because there was a time where we had a pretty big disagreement to say the least, and both said some pretty harsh things. I was fully prepared to burn our bridge of friendship, but to my deep surprise, you actually apologized some time later, and I did too, and I feel like we're better friends for it now. And again, yer one of those people who don't just  try to cover up troubles with fandom. We have our fun fandom discussions, but you've always been really willing to listen and really be sympathetic when I need to be sad too, you care about the real me and not just the me that made content for the fandom, and that's why we're still around to still putz about the fandom junk too. IZ FOREVER! XD (and I hope you and your sisters feel better too <3)

csp124 - Yer a newer friend, but yanno, you've proven to be a good one. Again, we can putz about fandom junk or other fun stuff, but you've been truly understanding about allowing me to talk about the bad junk that's been worrying my mind so much lately. You've been really helpful especially lately because you didn't just give up on me because my illness wouldn't let me stop "being negative" for a while, as some people reduce it to. Even though I didn't want to look on the bright side for a while, you kept bringing it up to me. It took a while, others gave up on me and got frustrated or angry with me, but you're one of the ones who kept being positive when you knew I -couldn't-, not that I just -wouldn't-, and understanding of my darkness too...

unified-multiversal-theory - Everybody here has helped me along a lot in various ways this year, but you've shown a special interest in my original work especially that really helped give me the inspiration I needed to get this latest chapter done. I feel so proud and relieved to have gotten chapter five finally done, and have more hope than I have in a while that the rest might be possible too. It's really deeply disheartening, a whole new level of isolation and depression, when so many people time and again, even other creators you'd hope would get it or at LEAST encourage you a LITTLE instead of being overly critical, especially those that get heaped with praise themselves, either ignore you completely/never give you a chance or even tear your creations down, claiming that they're trying to be "helpful/constructive". It's not that I can't handle constructive criticism, but I can recognize my characters being torn down by someone who is being overly critical because they dont really care one whiff about my work and REAL, ACTUAL -constructive- criticism like the kind you gave me, where you actually found a few errors that, while it depressed me for a moment to realize I had forgotten something so silly and needed to rewrite almost a while page because of it lol, IT ACTUALLY HELPED ME FINALLY FINISH THE DANG CHAPTER INSTEAD OF PARALYZING ME WITH DEPRESSION AND FEAR ABOUT MY ENTIRE WORK. You actually discussed my ideas and plot in detail and that's been so incredibly helpful. I know like Iris yer busy, so I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to help me with this especially. This work means more than a lot to me, a lot of people just blow it off like a silly story but it's SO much more than that. Helping me with this has really improved my outlook on life lately. I know everyone knows I love and live for my daughter, that she's the reason I keep existing... But she's not the reason I was made to exist in the first place. I feel like this story and her sister-stories are. Sometimes I confuse it because everything is confusing in this world, and because there's a sea of people who think the crazy shit Christians and Muslims and men in general do makes sense but somehow I'M the really crazy one, but... Just, thanks. I just feel a lot saner now that I made progress on something that means so much to me, and to know there's at least a few people out there who also really take interest in and appreciate it. <3

itsmorethanjustafantasy - We actually don't talk too much at all lol, here and there we talk a bit about fandom, but yanno... I just wanted to mention again how nice I think you are for sending people holiday well-wishes. Growing up with 90+% of my family in the Jehovah's Witnesses cult, and because of how sick I was growing up, my birthday and other holidays were especially hard times for me. Always on the outside looking in. Trained to tell other people it didn't matter and reject any holiday wishes or gifts given to my face when they were around, but deep down always feeling so lonely and isolated and excluded. You're one of those people who just out of the blue wishes people well on the holidays. For most people it's probably just nice. I just wanted you to know it did a little more for me though. It was nice to do for me, but it also made me feel included, and like someone remembered me. Thank u for that. Belated Happy Halloween, and upcoming Merry Christmas!

In general, there were a few other people that popped in when I was temporarily mad with grief and pain and helped talk to me about the rough stuff, bookrebelwordwarrior, kendallandherstuff, and a handful of others, sorry if it's been a while and I forgot anyone specific, but yeah. To everyone who really helped me and and didn't just give up on me, who not just remembered the good in me, but helped me to eventually see it again too, and help that goodness actually -grow-... Help bring out what -I- feel is really the best of me, not what others want me to be... Thank you. I can't say I'll never be depressed again, I've seen too much and there's so much stacked against me, but I'll try my best to keep trying, to keep believing progress is possible even when it feels like your life is currently stagnant and there's an ocean of people who don't care if you die or that you even ever existed. It's sad that there's so few, but life is just barely bearable when people really show they care. <3

So, consider this latest chapter of Lone Pearl,  "Faithful Phil and the Martyred Mother", dedicated to you guys. <3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20041537/chapters/51013765

[metamorphosingbrick]

Hi, 

Its a sad day and series of moments which lead you here. i never wanted you here to be honest- it’s a weird zone. Yes it is a weird zone. Cause you are here and here i am writing about you. But alas! It’s my mistake and i wish i can paint over it but i cant. I cant rely on anyone either for a recovery so- ill have to be on my own. Nobody will help you- they can support you once but you have to learn  by yourself. Ranjan is right, even if you wont show it out loud- i know it did hurt like at one point and you are a nice guy. Best guy but just not the guy for me. and too much drama man. I came here for somethin and so did you- so let’s achieve that in unison and be cool about it. 

You were absolutely right- we come from a very different family and we cannot be together but friendship seems cool eventually. We cannot be the friends we were but lets start over. I know my actions are incongruence with my words but i really do love you as a friend and i aways will. I cannot forget how you came to help me that day- or the time when we were talking till 4 am. I dont know where time was spent along with the smile. Your smile is the best thing i have seen in this country. So bright and exuberant. It generates sparks in your eyes. I dont see you smiling like that anymore. It’s weird. I dont think i dont like you anymore but the envelope of friendship is what really matters. i wish i could yell and ask you to not behave so formally with me and just say whatever you feel like but my want for that seems unreasonable. It’s not something i can want, i dont have the authority for it. I wasted your night when you could be stdying rather than witnessing the utter bullshit that happened. I dont want to give explanation for my behaviour- it was my fault. But thats gone and i cannot change it but i can definitely not repeat the scenario. 

 It was just a reassurance that god, your presence just makes me feel more cooler because you are someone i can pour my heart out like nobody’s god damn business. It really hurts me to think that i hurt you. Probably you dont feel it but i feel like i hurt myself that day. You do mean a lot to me. I like you just like you are, the sometimes talking too much and sometimes not talking. The way you look at things, the way you arrange and keep things organised, the way you talk about everythng The way you are open to welcoming ideas, the way you are willing to help people. You are this one person i really care about in this college, I dont want to justify my immature behaviour. But if it means anything to you- I really would miss you as friend, like the way we were. Like the way you said stupid stuff and laughed our hearts out. Like the one, where i could see your blazing smile shining through and i cant remember a moment without you doing that anymore beside me. It’s like you smiled and everything felt right. I am saying this in a capacity of a friend. That’s all. We all like someone but liking doesnt mean being with that person. It can also be appreciating existence. I appreciate your existence and i am sure- you can see the picture more clearly than me. We have come here with a purpose so, i dont want to be a passerby but would love to be a part of this journey we started by taking the cab from the airport. I know you need time, i think you need it more than i do. I know you wont show it out loud, thats the sad part about knwing you, I know you feel a lot but you wont let it effect your behaviour. Thats why it hurts me more cause i didnt want to create chaos in your life, i just couldnt predict this through. 

Maybe youll see negative connotations in the entire letter but atleast you should be smiling with a thought, how cool your presence makes people feel.

We will greet each other with hifi but instead

i would want to hold you and make things right.

Days will become months, months will become years, 

We might forget each other that’s one of my fears. 

If it means a bit to you and you believe me, I heartily apologise for my behaviour. You wont tell but i feel like somewhere i embarrased you along with myself that day and i cannot take that. I can’t say anything to make things better but i give you all the time in the world to come back, in whichever way you want. 

But i want my good friend back, soon would be a good time.

I wish i could make things right and seem like it’s cool. I wish i could really undo what i did. I wish. I dont want you to have a notion that the girls you met are a representation of the population. It’s just you happen to meet the wrong ones, but you are a great guy and you deserve better than this shit. You are this amazing guy who when smiles feels like this is the right time to be alive. Thank you so much for letting me stay at your place and being the perfect host. I couldnt be a good friend to you. I dont want to rush you with anything, we both are sane enough to give each other the space. I am really sorry.  

That very morning, you seemed to look down onme. Like i failed you, it didnt feel good to be honest. It looked like you didnt want to explain or try to explain. I dint seem to be getting it properly perhaps but it felt like you didnt care but you didnt seem to be off either. Like you were pushing me hard to say that you really dont care but deep inside you did you did. Its like you just didnt want to ocntribute any energy here towards this. It felt weird too. Like you were trying to keep distance and now i seems to far fetched to even come inside the icrcle. How stupendously hilarious i am to expect everything will be fine. I know it wont. It doesnt seem right. 

I would want to have a letter conversation with you but telegraph system works fine too. If you are good with soending two minutes of your life to contribute to our friendship - just drop me a telegraph and it’ll be cool. Telegraph every month is reassurance. 

I dont mind getting a telegraph on my birthday too. You dont have to give your presesnce, ill understand. The world is not a wish granting factory and i get it.