#this literally happened earlier today but i couldnt stop thinking about how they reminded me of stan

[ypipie]

based on an interaction with my twin

[onedayatatime-please]

Monday, Aug. 26th, 2024. 10:47 pm

I skipped yesterday again because I was once again exhausted and once I was in bed there was no going back. I really just need to try and do these a bit earlier in the day but I forget.

Important things from yesterday:

FINALLY HAD FUCKING THERAPY OH MY GOD. Therapist was very nice, I like them. I had been worried because they were my third choice, but I really liked our conversation and I can see myself actually opening up to them. As we were talking I realized I started pulling back and not giving full details on some stuff because my brain had the knee-jerk "I shouldnt say this and put this burden onto another person" anxiety, which of course is ridiculous like they are my therapist its their job, but also I couldnt stop thinking it. I also had a bit of a rough time leading up to the appointment, just so much physical anxiety. My heart was racing and I was very dizzy/lightheaded, the kind I get where if it gets worse I'll pass out. I did some simple 4 by 4 breathing which helped a bit and then once we actually started talking it gave me something to focus on and I felt better. Afterwards though I was feeling my usual post-body-anxiety nausea and fatigue.

A part of my intake was doing those depression/anxiety tests and it turns out I passed those with flying colors. I always knew my depression was worse then what I usually test as because I would often lie on those tests, and it was honestly kind of refreshing to see a score that I felt like it honestly reflected where I'm at.

Also I'm being reminded of how terrible I am with eye contact. I always think that Im pretty good at it, especially when im holding casual conversation. But then the second Im having to talk about myself in any capacity my eyes are on the floor, on the ceiling, rolling into the back of my head, fucking anything other then looking at the person im talking to. I did try a few times and it felt like touching a hot stove.

Besides all that nothing happened.

Today nothing really happened either, I did a bunch of chores and continue to be consumed by Crozier and JFJ. Specifically I found a website by a person making a book about JFJ and spent over an hour just reading through all of their essays and transcripts of his letters. Found out that his brother's nickname for him was "Jem" and that's just so fitting i could cry. One of his friends wrote in a letter after they were already finding the bodies that he was surprised that none of James' possessions had been found and Im pretty sure that is still the case. I think all that will change once they are able to exhume objects from the actual ships. I am hoping they will make a museum I can visit one day. I believe researchers say that the first twelve objects they bring to the surface will be given back to england while the rest will be given to the Inuit leaders in Canada, which I am very glad for.

Also I have read so many passages from Peglar's journal, but some how I only just found out about where he mentions Armitage? I forget the exact phrasing but the passage suggests that Peglar and Armitage were actually in love and it was Armitage's body that the journal was found on. Although that confuses me because I believe I had read somewhere that the journal was found on a body that wore a certain kind of neckerchief which was only worn by stewards? It is very possible that there are multiple different accounts on this and, like many things in this area, the truth is found along the lines of whichever story you chose to believe.

For example, I will always be convinced that JFJ was queer. You're telling me he played juliet in romeo and juliet, and was caught having a literal pillow fight IN bed with his best boy friend TWICE ?

Also I watched a silent documentary today about a trip taken to the antarctic in 1910-1912, and from that documentary I would like to share this incredible picture of a real actual penguin.

Doc was called "The Great White Silence." It ended with everyone fucking dying. As any great story of an arctic mission featuring englishmen and goofy penguins should.

No literally there was like an hour of silly penguin content. And then just. A guy committing suicide by walking into a blizzard and not coming back. Hillarious change in tune, if you ask me.

Anyways.

Im not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

Edit because I just saw this in my dash and it is simply correct:

[rogueshipagogo]

god i reblogged that post abt being harsher on men that go after teenage girls earlier and ive been thinking abt this shit all day i gotta make a post abt it so i can stop holding onto these thoughts. lmfao this is what happens when u dont have a vent blog lmao wont be too intense but tw i guess anyways, literally nobody is obligated to read this ever

so i pretty much drifted away from all my high school friends and everyone who knew me irl before ~2012 bc i just couldnt stand the idea of going back to face all of those people and know that they just watched me spend 6 years, since i was 14 years old, in explicit and serious long term romantic and sexual relationships with men over 18, over 20, over 21, and never once Say anything abt it, who were in the same boat of supporting it with me; like i know that I could have been the one to be like ‘no, that was wrong, what just happened to me, all that time you, my peers, could have known better and done better by me,’ but also the idea of doing that was so like..... Shameful??? i couldnt go back to being ignorant of what had been done to me but i also couldnt be their example and their lesson. like my entire lifes meaning up until that point was to be the one time main character of a very special episode of a sitcom about high school girls going out with college boys. i didnt want to have to be the one to start that conversation and have everyone either not get it, or just scream at me for falling for it, or treat me like i was being silly, i had always been supportive of my partners despite them being pedophiles, like it was Out Of Character for me, Juliet Capulet, to suddenly start caring when little girls date 20 year olds. i think that was the scariest possibility. it was easier to let that version of me just die, and all of my friendships i had made since 6th grade with it

but a few months ago i agreed to meet up with one of my old best friends again, someone i’d known since i was 12 and who was there the whole time and had met my ex, the adult man, a few times (we were already kinda drifting apart by that time anyways but still hung out infrequently)

and it was honestly mostly fine but at one point she asked me if i was still with him and i had to be like ‘no, he moved out 5 years ago’ (feels good to say that!!) and she literally was like 

‘awwwww how come? you had been together for so long ):’

and i just had to be         like                 ‘oh you know it happens haha!!! we just fell out of love i guess :3′

but i was just like. she’s literally been married and had a child since we stopped talking btw so like she’s very much a mature responsible adult woman now. and that was her reaction. ??????????? it was literally the reaction i was willing to cut her out of my life for 7 years because i was so afraid of and she fucking went for it. like.... i guess it just makes me proud of myself. because i’ve come so far and some people haven’t. and might not ever. even people i loved. even witnesses. even mothers and wives. and when i sit here and think ‘oh all i do is, sit here, and be an sjw, i’ve never had a real job or a car or a family or gone to college’, i just have to remind myself that emotional work, the work that goes into ComPleTely reinventing your entire worldview and the kind of shit you’re willing to put up with from society and your peers and your loved ones, is just as valid and just as tangible and deserves just as much recognition. still not very motivated to try getting back in contact with her or anyone else from my old friendgroup tho for a while lmfao sorry lads

edit: i didnt want to make another post just to say this but lmfao i looked at the post i reblogged abt this topic earlier today that made me think abt this again and im losing my mind at how ‘transparently fucking pathetic and selfish and utterly undesirable and know that women w more life experience will recognise those things about them immediately‘ could and should be engraved on my exes tombstone