#this like borderline unreality which is so different from the last scene

[untimelyambition]

the whole diamond heist scene with the lasers in gl2 is genuinely the funniest thing i have ever seen in my entire life. vinny so reassuringly saying “throw me” and ranboo and sneeg not even arguing with him just flat out agreeing to lob him across the room. the different shots of them swinging him back and forth to get momentum. the fucking puppet flying through the air. sneeg and ranboo staring off into the distance to watch him soar, the instant cut to them holding each other screaming. vinny hitting the fucking roof???? the elation. the anvil falling sound effect. the looney tunes stare as it falls from the sky. vinny’s final words. the fucking anvil crushing his head in (and the shock that came watching it live and not being able to pause or rewind and see the cut). ranboo making the world’s worst pun. sneeg’s indignant “i’m not throwing you!’. everyone moving on as if it didn’t happen. truly the funniest scene in all written history. i will never recover.

[gubler-me-up]

Big, Open Arms (MGG request)

Request: Hi, a MGG request for you.  You're a famous comedian and are cast as the new agent for CM. The cast/crew all love you, even before you come on set as you're hilarious, especially Matthew which EVERYONE knows about. As a huge fan of the show you're nervous, but you get welcomed into the CM family pretty quickly, and adore them all. You become best friends with Matthew, and after a while he asks you out on a date, and you say yes then after the media get involved, Matthew asks you to be his gf.

A/N: Thanks for the request, anon! This was a fully loaded request, so I hope I encompassed every aspect to your liking! Hope you enjoy!!

Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader

Category: Fluff

Content warning: None

Word count: 2.5k

——————–

You were rehearsing your lines before you had to go on set for the day. You had to admit you sucked at memorizing lines, so there were a lot of blooper reals of you stumbling over your words. You hadn’t even been part of the Criminal Minds cast for a whole year yet. Good thing the cast and crew understood how hard it was to memorize masses of technical dialogue.

Your character was named Bianca Johnson, an SSA with a background in technology. She was basically Garcia, but could kick ass instead of petting cute animals. A lot of your lines were heavy technical geek talk, which was hard to say in a scene, let alone the whole episode. Whenever you messed up you’d joked around and said Shemar’s biceps were distracting you from actually getting your lines right.

Your favourite scenes were with Matthew though. He was such a great actor and hilarious as well. When you first introduced yourself to him he told you he thought you were such a hilarious comedian. One of his favourites actually. You told him your greatest joke of all time was landing the role of such a smart character when you only had two functioning brain cells. He let out a hardy laugh before agreeing with you by saying he also had barely functioning brain cells.

Everyone was full of the same excited energy when they met you. It was like having a family gathering every time you were on set. AJ was the sweetest, coolest person you’ve ever met, Shemar was charming, Paget was completely down to earth and Kirsten was such a character. Matthew was the standout cast member for you though. His portrayal of Dr. Spencer Reid was amazing to watch on T.V., but was even more amazing to watch in real life.

He would just spur out lines on lines of facts without messing up once. When he did though it was funny and adorable. You’d try to cover your laugh every time, but he would automatically turn to look at you with a goofy smile. Your laugh would escape immediately and then everyone else would join along.

You looked up from your script as you heard two loud bangs on your door. You looked at the time on your phone and saw it was already 8:55 a.m.

“Y/N, set in five,” you heard the producer yell.

“I’m surprised you’re here early today, Jeff,” you joked.

You heard him laugh. “If Shemar can be early on set anything’s possible, right?”

You gasped. “Shemar’s on set before I am? I have to see this.”

You got up from your chair and rushed towards the door to leave for set. Before you left, you went back to your mirror. You fluffed up your hair and adjusted your breasts. You wanted to make sure you were presentable as possible. For the camera, of course.

As you walked on set you were greeted with a welcoming hug from AJ. She literally gave the most mom-like hugs ever. It was comparable to eating cookies from the cookie jar.

“Happy wrap day,” she said as she let you go.

“I can’t believe we’re wrapping the season already. I feel as if we’ve only been filming for a week,” you said.

“I know, time flies around here. One second you’re in season one and then boom you’re in season 15,” she said.

“If I can look flawlessly good throughout 15 seasons like you I think I can get used to this job.”

She giggled and playfully rolled your eyes. “Are you kidding me? You always look so great. Trust me, a little someone keeps talking about how great you are.”

You looked at her curiously. If she was talking about who you thought she was talking about than you were ecstatic. Shemar, her and some crew members had told you when you first joined that Matthew was a huge fan of yours. Had talked about you quite a few times during the downtime on set.

“More Matthew gossip? I’m in,” you heard Shemar say from behind you.

You turned around and smiled at him. “Well, well, when Jeff said you were early on set I didn’t believe it, but now that I see it with my own eyes I still can’t believe it.”

He chuckled. “Well, baby, here I am in the flesh. If it’s opposite day maybe you’ll have a flawless run with your lines.”

“Good one. Maybe we should trade characters so I can look hot and kick down doors while you talk nerdy to me.”

“You don’t have to kick down doors in your case to look hot, Y/N. I think a certain someone thinks you’re pretty hot as is.”

You gave him a suspicious stare before looking back at AJ. She smiled and looked around the set. You folded your arms as you were waiting for further details to be spilled. They both remained quiet as you stood there waiting. Good thing your attention was soon shifted towards Matthew when you saw him walk on set. You unfolded your arms and softened your face up as you saw how good he looked.

“I guess this is our cue to go, AJ,” Shemar chuckled.

“I agree. See you in the bullpen, Y/N,” AJ said before she left with Shemar.

“Yeah,” you faintly said as you stared at Matthew.

He hadn’t noticed you. He seemed to be looking for someone though as his head continuously darted around the room. When he finally turned your way, his face instantly lit up. He lightly jogged towards you with a big smile on his face. It was as if he was looking for you.

“Hey, Y/N. Happy wrap day,” he said before embracing you in a hug.

You hugged him back. “Happy wrap day, Matt. What adventures are you going to get up to after we wrap?”

“Well, that’s kinda why I was looking for you. I was going to ask you that same exact question.”

“I don’t have anything booked until later next month, so I’m going to be relaxing mostly. Why what’s up?”

“Well, remember when we went to that Arcade Fire concert a few months ago?”

You smiled and nodded. “If you mean the best experience of my life than yes.”

He chuckled. “I’m glad you liked it. Vegas always holds the Life Is Beautiful Music and Art Festival and I was wondering if you were free to go.”

You felt your heart pumping with delight at him inviting you to go to his hometown. The last few months of your friendship were situated strictly in California. You had never really explored Vegas outside of a few shows at hotels and theatres on the strip.

“You wanna take me on a Vegas adventure?” You asked.

“Something like that.”

Before you could say your answer, the set bell rang. Sometimes that stupid bell could be so annoying, especially when you had a moment like this with Matthew. You don’t think there had ever been a more intimate moment between you two.

He smiled. “Think about it.”

As he started to walk off towards the bullpen set, you ran up to him to hug him from behind. He was caught off guard by your hug, but grabbed your hands that clung in front of him. You could say it was the first time you two had held hands.

“I’d love to go.”

“Awesome.”

—————

Going to Vegas with Matthew was such a different experience than anything you had ever done before. Everywhere he took you felt as if it were a new chapter in a life you’ve never lived. You always found Vegas cliche in its gimmicks and exaggerated neon lights. However, Matthew made it seem as if it were a faraway land yet to be discovered.

He showed you to little places outside of the flashy hotels and bright neon lights that filled the strip. You two spent a lot of time at ranches nearby. You told him since the first day you two met how much you loved animals, so going to those ranches was a dream come true.

What you weren’t expecting though was going to the ranch his mother owned. When you two were driving there, you felt your heart beating fast. You had never met his mother before but you knew he was a big mama’s boy. Even with all the nerves running through your body, you felt honoured to be meeting his mother. You didn’t even know whether to consider this whole trip a big first date or what, but it was something you weren’t expecting to happen.

You had a feeling Matthew had a crush on you for a while and the feeling had always been mutual. Guess the both of you had been crushing on each other through a screen for all these years. To be together in that moment was borderline unreal and probably long overdue.

“We’re here,” he said as he pulled up to the ranch.

You looked around the area. It was massive. Just a stretch of land with no buildings in sight. It was beautiful. You looked at Matthew with a huge contagious smile. He couldn’t help smiling back.

“Your mom knows beauty,” you said.

He laughed. “Yeah, I guess she does.”

“I mean if she created you she definitely knows what beauty is.”

He grabbed your hand and squeezed it. It was his fifteenth time holding your hand. Not like you were counting or anything. You blushed as he moved your hand closer to his lips and kissed it twice.

“I’m glad you came, Y/N. I’ve been meaning to ask you on a date for the longest time, but I couldn’t think of the perfect date to take you on,” he confessed.

“Matthew, you literally could have taken me to 7/11 for a shitty cup of coffee and I would have had the time of my life,” you said.

He laughed. “Well, even though 7/11’s cool, I thought you might like a trip to Vegas and concert better.”

“I have to say this is probably one of my favourite first dates ever. I just feel as if it’s missing a little je ne sais quoi.”

“A little je ne sais quoi you say.”

You then saw him let go of your hand and reach for the side of your neck. He brought you in closer as his face moved closer to yours. You hated dramatics, so you rushed in and embraced him with an enormous kiss. You grabbed his face to deepen the kiss. You had never been so excited to kiss anyone in your entire life. The way he kissed you was just different.

You two pulled apart from the kiss before anything went any further. You knew you were satisfied with that kiss but the way Matthew beamed made you believe he was even more satisfied. You covered your face with your hand as you couldn’t stop smiling to yourself.

“I didn’t mean to attack you like that,” you joked.

He chuckled. “No, no, it was great. Maybe we could continue this after we go see my mom.”

You smiled ear-to-ear. “I couldn’t dream of anything better.”

The two of you got out of the car to go greet his mom as she walked out to where he had parked his car. Her smile was just as magnetic as his. You were automatically drawn into her. So much so you found yourself approaching her ready to give her the biggest hug ever. She wasn’t shy to embrace you with big, open arms. It felt as if you were already apart of his family.

————

Back in your trailer to film another season of Criminal Minds and you thought you could get better at memorizing your lines. You didn’t. You swore to yourself you would get better over the summer break, but that plan went out the window as soon as Vegas happened. Matthew had turned what was supposed to be a mundane summer into a long-lasting experience. A long-lasting experience with a lot of making out and wandering hands.

You looked at your watch and saw you had a few minutes to kill before you had to go on set. You tossed your script aside and reached for your phone. The lines could wait a minute or several as you indulged in looking through Twitter.

You scrolled down your timeline, liking and retweeting a few things that caught your eye. One thing caught your eye in particular though. It was from TMZ out of all gossip media showing pictures of you and Matthew holding hands and kissing just a few days ago when you two went to the beach. They must have been hidden well because you knew for a fact no one was around the area you two set up.

Your shock was interrupted when a few knocks were made at your door. You put down your phone and picked up your script to pretend you were still trying to memorize your line. You knew if it was Jeff coming in he’d much rather see you trying to memorize your lines than scrolling through Twitter.

“Come in,” you said.

You saw Matthew come in with a sheepish smile on. You looked at him strange as you had never seen him seem so shy. Then you saw a magazine in his hand. You could only guess what it was. He held up the magazine, so you could see it. Right on the front cover was a picture of you on top of Matthew making out with him on the beach.

You smiled. “At least People Magazine finally put some eye candy on the front page.”

“I didn’t even know they were allowed to publish pictures of soft porn,” he chuckled as he handed you the magazine.

You laughed. “In this day and age anything’s possible.”

“Anything huh?”

He took your hand to take you out of your seat. You gladly got up as you tossed the script and magazine on your vanity. He pulled you in close as his hands moved from your hands to your waist. If this was his way of proposing a quickie in your trailer, you weren’t about to turn him down.

“If anything’s possible, how about we make it official?” He asked.

You would have screamed out of delight, but you were worried he might take it back if you did. You did the next best thing that had come to mind and grabbed his face, so you could kiss him. He wrapped his arms around your waist and embraced the kiss even further. The only reason you two broke apart was because you could hear the director calling everyone to set.

“I guess we should go before this ends up being our last season,” you said as you let go of him.

“I think it might be your last season if you can’t remember those lines,” he joked.

You laughed. “If I can still have you at the end of the day I’d be okay with that. Besides, I think Vegas might have an opening for me.”

—–

MASTERLIST

[uncloseted]

Hey! I’m the anon (and also Gay!Bama anon) who sent the asks about BPD and being rejected by that closeted guy. I guess the reason I think I have BPD is because I’m in my 20’s now, and I just have issues with perceived rejection for whatever reason. Anytime someone rejects me or something, I get really depressed and question myself a lot, or I question my worth, and it’s over things that should not be a big deal, but to me they feel like the end of the world. It’s like I have no emotional skin, if that makes sense, so everything hurts more than it would someone who is normal. It’s just so hard sometimes. I get so emotional or upset over things that there’s no need in being that upset over. I just wish I could change it, but I can’t. I feel like I’ve destroyed a lot of potential relationships and also friendships by overreacting and it makes me feel so crazy. (1/2)

(2/3) (Gay!Bama anon) I think it might be because my Dad and me always had a difficult relationship, and now that he’s gone things are really more difficult than before. I started going back to therapy and I’m about to go back to school to finish up my degree, but I just wish I could manage these feelings better. The only way I have been able to deal with them is by either numbing them with alcohol, drugs, or fulfilling them with anonymous encounters, or just cutting myself off from other people, so that way I have nothing to react to. It just really sucks because I’m so lonely all the time, but I don’t know what else to do about it other than that. I used to self harm to help me cope with my feelings, because then I could hurt myself and not hurt the people in my life by lashing out over trivial things, like irrelevant rejection or changing plans. It feels like every small thing is a seed, from which sprouts a tree of paranoia and depression.

(3/3) (Gay!Bama anon) I also have had such a hard time trying to figure out my plans for a career and goals because I’m always switching them up, because one personality trait might take the forefront, but then that could change and that influences how I feel about something or what I want to do. I just wish I could turn all of these feelings off for a while, or something, and just be like calm or something.

Hi Gay!Bama anon!  Always happy to see you in my inbox, although I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. The fact that I know it’s you and I know you’re in your 20s changes my answer slightly.  

There are a number of symptoms that need to be present to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; rejection sensitivity is definitely one of them, but not the only one.  The DSM-5 requires five or more of the following symptoms for a BPD diagnosis:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. Generally, these are out of proportion to the event that triggered them)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (e.g., calling a friend/partner/family member several times a day during working hours and getting upset when they don’t answer)

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (e.g., frequently and suddenly changing goals, beliefs, vocational aspirations, and sexual identity, or assuming the identity of people they’re close to)

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, gambling, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, committing crimes)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting"- basically, thinking a person is the best person ever, the love of your life, your best friend, someone with no faults, and then switching to thinking the person is the worst person ever, who has never cared about you, who has no redeeming qualities.  This typically results in alternating between over-involvement with the person and withdrawal from the person)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms (typically only lasting hours or days, and triggered by an external stressor.  Dissociative symptoms may include feeling like your body is unreal or altered in a strange way, feeling that the outside world is unreal, and illusions).

People with BPD will also typically have a compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of other people, and have intense, unstable, and conflicted relationships that are marked by mistrust and neediness.  It’s also important that these symptoms have persisted over time and across different situations.

If that doesn’t resonate with you, there are a number of other different conditions that result in being particularly sensitive to rejection, including social anxiety, depression, generalized anxiety, ADD/ADHD, eating disorders, and childhood trauma are just a few things that could cause a fear of rejection.  I would talk to your therapist about this symptom and ask for help coming up with some coping mechanisms.

If all of that does sound like you, I would talk to your therapist about a possible BPD diagnosis and potentially a referral to a therapist who specializes in dialectical behavioral therapy.  DBT is the most studied and effective treatment for BPD, so it’s a good place to start if that is what you’re struggling with.  In the meantime, you can learn the principles of DBT on your own and try to begin applying them to your life.

DBT combines mindfulness with techniques for distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.  Having a therapist and attend group therapy sessions are an important part of a full course DBT.  However, there are several exercises you can try at home:

Keeping a Diary

One of the easiest things you can do at home is to start tracking your behaviors.  Note any self-injurious or life threatening behaviors, behaviors which indirectly cause harm to yourself or others, and quality of life issues.  Write down any triggers you’ve noticed.

Mindfulness

There are a few different types of mindfulness exercises you can try.  Since you mentioned that you want to be able to turn your feelings off, trying meditation might be a good place to start.  There are some good apps, like Headspace and Calm, that can help you learn how to meditate and encourage you to practice meditation, and there are also a ton of videos on YouTube that do the same.

DBT encourages the concept of “radical acceptance”- the idea that one should face situations, both positive and negative, without any judgement.  Try to let go of fighting reality and accept a situation for what it is.  When you’ve accepted a situation, then you can figure out how to change it.

You can also try using “what” skills when practicing mindfulness; these are observe, describe, and participate.  They’re “what” you do when you’re practicing mindfulness. Nonjudgementally paying attention to the present moment is an important component of DBT, so the first thing you can do is observe.  Try to nonjudgementally observe your environment within and outside of yourself.  Notice the feelings you’re experiencing, and then try to let slide off of your mind.  Next, describe: express what you observed, either to someone around you or to yourself.  Try to use your five senses to put words to what you’re observing.  What can you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Feel?  Finally, participate: try your best to be fully focused on and involved in any activity that you’re doing.  When your mind wanders, gently pull it back to the task you’re currently doing.

Distress Tolerance

One of the goals of DBT is to help people develop the ability to calmly recognize negative situations and decide if and how to address them.  It’s important to learn how to be distressed without becoming overwhelmed or hiding from that feeling.

TIPP is one of the fastest and most popular distress tolerance skills, since it alleviates distress quickly.  Tip the temperature of your face by splashing it with very cold water, intensely exercise for 20 minutes, do paced breathing- breathe in for four seconds and our for six to eight seconds, and then do progressive muscle relaxation- starting from the top of your body, tense and relax each muscle group until you get to your toes.

You can also distract yourself from unpleasant emotions using ACCEPTS.  Engage in activities that you enjoy, contribute by helping others, compare yourself to people who are less fortunate or how you used to be when you were in a worse state, evoke a different emotion by putting on a happy song or watching a comedy special, push away your situation in your mind, and put something else first by thinking about something else, and finally, create sensations that are intense, such as holding an ice cube or eating spicy food.

Another thing you can try when you’re in distress is to IMPROVE the moment.  Imagine relaxing scenes, things going well, or other pleasing scenarios, find meaning in what you’re feeling, pray, if you’re religious, relax your muscles using the progressive muscle relaxation we talked about above, do one thing at a time, and focus all your attention on it, vacation if you can (by taking a break from the situation), and encourage yourself.  Tell yourself it’s possible to make it through your current situation and cope with it.  You can be your own best cheerleader.

Emotional Regulation

Since people who have BPD frequently have intense emotions, it can be helpful to learn how to regulate those emotions.

First, try identifying and labeling your emotions.  Tune in with yourself and ask yourself what you’re feeling.  Is it anger? Fear? Sadness?  Then, you can try to change unwanted emotions using opposite-reactions.  With opposite-reactions, you do the opposite of the urge you’re feeling in the moment.  For example, if you want to isolate yourself, instead, reach out to a friend.  

Fact-checking is also an important technique- ask yourself, “do the facts warrant the intensity of the response I’m feeling?”  Then ask yourself, “what is the event prompting my emotion,” “what are my interpretations and assumptions about the event, and are those true?”, “am I assuming a threat? How likely is it to actually occur?”, “what’s the disaster? How can I cope well with it?”, and “does my emotion or intensity fit the facts?”  There’s a sample fact-checking worksheet that you can find here: http://edencounseling.com/resources/dbt-emotional-regulation-group-4-handouts.pdf

If your facts are correct and the situation is the problem, then you can problem solve.  First, identify your goal in solving the problem- what needs to happen for you to be okay, and what’s reasonable?  Then, brainstorm as many solutions as you can come up with, without being critical of your ideas. Choose a solution that fits your goal and is likely to work, using a pro/con list to decide if necessary. Act on your decision, and then evaluate if it worked.  If it didn’t work, go back to the “choose” stage and pick a different solution to try.

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Interpersonal relationships can be difficult for people with DBT, so it’s important to learn how to ask for what you need, how to say no, and how to cope with interpersonal conflicts.  There are three techniques in this module: DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST.

The DEAR MAN technique focuses on conveying your needs to someone else. Start by describing your situation using specific, fact-based statements about a recent situation.  Then express the emotions experienced when the situation occurred, why the situation was a problem, and how you feel about it. Assert yourself by clearly and specifically requesting the behavior change you would like. Reinforce your position by explaining to the person what the positive impacts of changing their behavior might be for them. Mindfully focus on the situation, without seeking validation, and redirect the conversation back to your main point when it seems to be diverting. Appear confident and assertive, even if you’re not feeling confident or assertive. Finally, negotiate with the person to come to a compromise that both parties are happy with.

The GIVE tool focuses on relationship maintenance, whether that’s with friends, family, co-workers, or romantic partners.  It is used in conversations. Use gentle language, free of put-downs, sarcasm, or judgement, even as a joke. Be as interested as you can in what the other person is saying.  Give them your undivided attention by making eye contact and asking questions.  Really listen to them, don’t just wait your turn to talk. Validate their situation, either through words, body language, or facial expressions.  Often, people just want to be heard and for someone to understand what they’re going through. Finally, try to adopt an easy manner: do your best to appear calm and comfortable during the conversation.  Use friendly humor and smile.

The FAST skill focuses on maintaining your self-respect.  Be fair to yourself and to the person you’re talking to. Don’t apologize more than once, and only apologize for things that are your fault.  Stick to your values- determine what you believe and stand by it, without letting other people sway your decisions. Lastly, be truthful. Lying can only damage relationships and reduce the respect you have for yourself.

I know that’s a ton of stuff I’ve just thrown at you, so if you’re still with me, thank you!  You don’t have to adopt all of these skills at once or even at all.  Getting good at just one or two of them will improve your life.  A therapist will be able to help you practice these different skills so that when you need them, they’re already in your mind.  Good luck!  I hope you get the support you need and that things start looking up for you soon.

[oneshots4u]

The Crumpled Range Rover

SUMMARY - after Y/N’s car breaks down, she uses Harry’s, but some paps think it’s her famous boyfriend in the car and will do anything to find out where he’s going.

WARNINGS - we love angsty Harry 

“Harry?” you spoke timidly through the phone, nibbling your lip nervously.  Your boyfriend was so looking forward to having a lazy day in the house, and you hated to disrupt him.  In his living room, Harry’s brows furrowed as he sat up straight.

“What’s wrong?” his question came out more like a statement.

“My car broke down.  I’m at the garage, can you come get me?” he smiled slightly in relief.

“Of course.  I’m on my way, gorgeous.”

Walking through the door, you pecked his cheek again.  

“Thank you for rescuing me,” you giggled.  He smiled and wrapped his arms around your waist loosely, placing a soft kiss on your lips, then your forehead.  

“That’s okay, want me to drive you to work tomorrow?  You’ll have to take a cab home though, I have a meeting in the afternoon.”

“No, no,” you smiled.  He knew you never wanted any favours from him, which was why you still worked a minimum wage job and drove a twelve year old car.  He had offered to buy you a new one countless times, but you had always point-blank refused, not wanting him to throw his money around, no matter how much he had.  

“I’ll insure you on one of mine for the week until yours is fixed then, yeah?  So you can still drive yourself about?”  You sighed in defeat.  “Come on, even normal boyfriends would do that!” he laughed, tickling your sides.  You laughed and swatted his hands away.

“Fine, fine!” he stopped, grabbing your waist and pulling you in for another kiss.

The next day, you were all set up to drive Harry’s Range Rover, knowing you’d feel safer in a bigger car than a little sporty one.  Even so, a Range Rover is much, much larger than an old Mini, so you were still a little cautious.  In the morning, as you buttoned up your work shirt and picked up your apron, Harry lay in bed watching you, hair ruffled and messy, chest tattoos poking up from under the duvet.  

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” he asked you for the fourth time since the prior evening.

“I’ll be fine, babe, I’ve been driving for years!  Just in much smaller cars!” you smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed and running your fingers through his unruly curls.  His green eyes searched yours for a second, as if trying to see if you were certain.

“Okay,” he whispered eventually, sitting up to see you off to work.  He kissed you through the window of the car, as he did every day.  “You look kinda sexy in a big car, you know?  Like one of those rich mums, or a sugar baby,” he laughed.

“Wow, thanks!  Even more of a reason to want my own car back,” you laughed back, leaning up again to plant a final kiss on his lips. 

“Drive safe, have fun at work, I’ll see you tonight!” he shouted after you as you pulled out of your garage.

Cruising to work, humming along to the radio, you felt okay!  Obviously you were more careful than usual, because not only was this car like a freaking monster truck compared to yours, it was a LOT more expensive, and the first big purchase Harry had made with the money from his album, and he loved it.  You couldn’t help but notice, however, that the same car had been following you all the way from Harry’s.  This wasn’t uncommon for you, paparazzi often followed Harry’s cars, but you had never been the one driving as it had happened.  You remembered a corner you could cut off, which usually managed to get some distance between the cars, but you’d have to swing in at the last minute so they couldn’t follow you.  As you grew closer, your knuckles whitened around the steering wheel, and you took a deep breath as you spun into the side street.  So far so good.  At the end of the road, you rejoined the main road to the city that the paps were still on.  Stopping at the junction, the whole road was clear.  You pulled out as the same car whipped around the corner at an unreal speed.  Neither of you could break on time.  You heard the crunch of the side of Harry’s favourite car, before you span a couple times, brakes screeching.  You hadn’t realised you had been screaming until the car finally stopped moving.  Your hands were still firmly planted on the steering wheel, but your eyes were squeezed tight shut, too scared to survey the damage to the car, or yourself.  

“Harry?” you whispered into the phone.

“What’s wrong?” he questioned you again.  Your lip wobbled and eyes shut again.

“Harry, I’m really sorry,” you started to cry.

“Love, what’s happened?  Where are you?” you couldn’t speak.  All you could do was sniffle deeply.  “Babe talk to me, I’m coming to find you.” you could hear fumbling on the other end of the line as he gathered some of his things and told the people in his office he had to leave urgently.  

“The car,” you whispered again, pulling your knees to your chest from the stretcher in the ambulance.  “I crashed your car, I’m so sorry,” you heard a gasp from him.

“What?!  Are you hurt?  What happened?”

“A little,” you wiped your eyes roughly, glancing down at your bruised body.  “I’m at the shortcut, there were paps and I was trying to lose them, and they hit me, and your car is ruined.” you borderline cried out, looking up at the completely wrecked side of the Range Rover.  “I’m so sorry, Harry!  I think they’re going to have to scrap it-”

“I don’t give a fuck about the car, Y/N.  Don’t worry, yeah?  I’ll be there in ten.”

The expression on Harry’s face when he arrived was a hurricane of emotion.  He looked angry, scared, and upset as he searched around for you, taking in the sight of both wrecked cars, ambulances, and police cars.  Eventually his eyes landed on you, sitting on a stretcher in an ambulance, wrapped in an aluminium blanket, bandages peppered down your body, tears streaming down your face.  He stood amongst the wreckage, frozen and completely overwhelmed.  You were right, the Range Rover was completely caved inwards, and the door was lying separately on the ground.  He let out a dry sob.  They had had to cut you out of the car?  He needed to be with you.  Now.

“Babe?!” he shouted, running through the carnage to be closer to you.  Your head whipped around, eyes landing straight on your wonderful boyfriend.  His arms wrapping around you felt like home.  You started crying into his chest, taking in loud gasps between sobbing fits. 

“Shhhhh, it’s okay, you’re okay, I’m here,” he whispered, kissing the top of your head, eyes flitting over the bloodied bandages on your arm.  “What’s all this, darling?  Why are you crying?  Does something hurt?” he stroked your hair gently, trying not to let you see the tears in his eyes.

“I was so scared,” you cried, breaking down into another batch of sobs.  

“Hey, hey, shhhh.  I’m here, yeah?  Everything is okay,” he told you, kneeling in front of you to wipe your tears.  

Almost too quiet to notice, a camera shutter sounded off in the distance.  

You felt Harry harden around you for a second, before letting go of you and spinning abruptly to the paps gathered by the scene.  “Oi!” he started.

“Harry, don’t,” you grabbed his arm and looked up at him pleadingly, but he was beyond stopping, yanking his arm from your grip.

“It’s people like you that caused this!  Look at this!” he gestured to the wreckage around him, seeing red.  “YOU ALMOST KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND!” he shook with rage, storming closer to the small crowd.  “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE!  WE AREN’T A FUCKING SHOW.  WE AREN’T ENTERTAINERS!  YOU’RE LITERALLY ENDANGERING OUR LIVES, AND STILL STANDING HERE PLASTERING PHOTOS OF US ON THE INTERNET LIKE IT’S NOTHING!” he glared at them, taking deep breaths, tears in his eyes, before turning back around to see you.  He scooped you up in his arms, sat down on the stretcher, and cradled you softly.  Brushing your hair off your face, he looked at you guilt ridden.  “They thought you were me, and they followed you,”

“That’s not necessarily true, Haz,” you mumbled, holding his hand.  You both knew, however, this was more than likely the truth, and they had tried to follow Harry somewhere, not expecting to hit his waitress girlfriend.  If anything, they were probably relieved that they hadn’t hit Harry and it had just been you.  You were disposable, replaceable.  You weren’t a global treasure, nor were you talented, or famous, or cared for by many people.  Even if this did make the news, it would be forgotten about in a week.  If Harry had been hit there would have been total outrage, revolts from fans, news coverage for weeks until the paps were behind bars.  You looked up at him and cupped his cheek with your hand.  “Can you take me home?” 

You tried so hard to hide how hurt you actually were, but even walking set your aching muscles on fire.  You thought Harry wouldn’t notice, but his eyes barely left you for the rest of the day.  He took his meetings over the phone, refusing to even leave the room you were in.  He even cooked you your favourite food and you ate under a blanket in front of the TV.  

“Harry, you don’t have to do this,” you had started, taking the plate from him when he had brought it over.

“Yes, I do.  Honestly, Y/N, so many things that happened today made me feel so sick.  Seeing all the cars wrecked, hearing you crying on the phone, seeing those people taking photos of us, the sight of you in that ambulance…” he paused and you glanced up at him.  He was staring into his bowl of food, tears brimming.  “You just looked so… so broken.  You keep saying you’re lucky to only have bruises but I see you wincing every time you move.  You could have died, babe, and it literally all would have been because of my job.” you stayed quiet.  Not only was he probably right, he wouldn’t have allowed you to argue any differently.  He reached over and squeezed your hand softly.  “I love you,” he whispered.  You smiled softly, tears now dancing in your eyes.

“I love you too,” he smiled back at you.  After dinner, he carried you upstairs, lying down on the cool sheets with you.  You snuggled into him as closely as you could, as his fingers traced up and down your arm.  Suddenly, you had a small revelation.

“Shit,” you whispered.  Harry leant back slightly.

“What?  Am I hurting you?”  His eyes searched your body quickly.  You shook your head, running your hands through your hair.  

“I didn’t call work,” you started.  Harry looked confused.  “I didn’t tell them what happened.  To them I just didn’t turn up, they don’t know.  I was on a final warning anyway after the last time I missed work.”  Harry smirked slightly, remembering the day you spent in bed nursing a colossal hangover after a party.  “I’m so fired.”  You looked up at the ceiling, brows furrowed, quickly trying to work out how you were going to afford to survive while you recovered.  Harry stroked your hair softly.  

“I’ll call tomorrow and explain, yeah?  But honestly some time off will be good!  You’re going to have whiplash from hell, darling, and you’re gunna be in pain for a while, I’m sorry to say.”  You nodded in defeat.  Harry leant down to kiss your forehead softly, then stood up.

“Where are you going?”  You looked up at your stretching boyfriend, glancing at the tattoos that peeked out from under his t shirt.

“I’m making us tea, and I have to make a few calls, yeah?”  You nodded sheepishly, remembering the meeting Harry had to abandon to come get you.  

Harry returned to your bedroom ten minutes later, with tea in your favourite mug and his phone jammed between his shoulder and ear.  

“Okay, thank you.  Also, redirect all my emails for the next week please?  Thank you, thanks, bye.”  

“Why are you getting your emails redirected?”  You sat up, taking the tea from his ringed fingers.  He smiled slightly.

“I just called in and said I was taking two weeks off work, and I don’t want emails for some of that time,” you looked up at him, an expression of confusion etched across your face. “We’re suing the tabloid that those paps work for and making sure they change their training so more dangerous things stop happening.  I also left your work a voicemail saying you needed at least two weeks to recover from a car accident.  We’re going away this weekend.”  Your eyes widened.

“But, Harry, the album-”

“Fuck the album.  If anything positive has come of this, it’s put a lot into perspective.  I need some time with my girl, okay?”  You softened slightly, seeing his slightly flushed cheeks, messy hair, unbuttoned work shirt, and eyes filled with love and still carrying the ghosts of fear and concern.  You smiled, opening your arms for him to come back to bed.

“Okay,” 

[santaclausdeadindian]

Sorry for doing it this way, I think OP deleted their post or blocked me like a mature, balanced person would, so I have to tag you in

@mr-laugh

Oh boy, lot to unpack here.

So you didn’t even know there were that many subgenres of fantasy, one of the most popular classifications of fiction on the planet... And you think you know enough to tell ANYBODY what classic fantasy is?

And where exactly I attempted to do that, huh?

If you don’t even know the most common subgenres of this vast pool of fiction, why are you jumping into this discussion? You just admitted you don’t know anything!

There is no discussion, there is a stupid ass post. Don't flatter yourself, you don't know jack shit.

Me not knowing what exactly are the precize subgenres of a genre of literature, which, btw, are completely arbitrary and for your information, sword&magic is a legitimate category, has absolutely nothing to do with what that post you were so keen on agreeing with above. It was you who said pretty much any classic fantasy is like that: some poorly written, self-indulgent and borderline racist.

Did ya read the link, buddy? Howard talked about knowing what burning black man smelled like. He was quite approving of these things! And the books are pretty racist, it’s not hard to see, unless you ain’t looking.

Yes, I started reading and by the end of the first paragraph I was convinced he was ahorribly racist man. And? Still doesn't change the fact, that for my 12 year old self, there was nothing racist about it. I definetly wasn't looking for it, that much you got right. If I'd read it again, I'm sure I'd catch on to it now, that I know what kind of asshole he was. So the implied racism would be there. You got a point for that.

Rugged individualism? It always amuses me how that argument always pops out of the mouths of guys who are aping what they’ve heard their buddies say. If ten thousand mouths shout “rugged individualism”, how individualistic are they?

Then you should amuse yourself by looking up why this thing crops up as of late. It's coming from certain, supremely racist yet unaware of it publications that claim ridiculous shit like "rugged individualism" is a hallmark of white supremacy, among other, equally laughable things, like punctuality. It's a joke.

Again, I will give Howard to you, if someone that racist writes a black man saving the hero of the story, I bet there was something else still there to make it wrong.

Conan’s not some avatar of rugged individualism.

Uhm, yeah, he pretty much all that.

He’s as unreal and unrealistic as the dragons are,

It's called fantasy for a reason, buddy.

but more dangerous because White Men model their ideas of reality on Big Man Heroes like him;

Glad you are totally not racist, yo!!! It's such a relief that White Men are the only ones with this terrible behavior of looking up to larger than life, mythic superpeople and nobody else. Imagine what it would be like, if we would have some asshole from say, hindu indian literature massacering demons called Rakshassas, by the tens of thousands, or some bullshit japanese warlord would snatch out arrows from the air, or a chienese bodyguard would mow down hundreds of barbaric huns without dropping a sweat, or some middle eastern hero would fight literal gods and their magical beasts in some quest for eternal life.

it's a poison that weakens us, distracting us from actually trying to solve the world’s issues, or banding together to deal with shit.

This is what you just said. It's up to the white man, to get their shit together, be not racist and solve the world's problems, because those poor other people's just can't do it. If we would just not be oh, so racist, then China would surely stop with the genocides they are doing now, or blowing more than half the greenhouse emissions into the athmosphere, the muslims would stop throwing their gays from rooftops or ramming trucks into crowds and would just start treating women as equals, India's massive rape problem would be gone, subsaharan African would be magically bereft of the host of atrocities committed there on a daily, yeah, you sure have that nonracism down, buddy!

A rugged individualist would be smart enough to realize that even the most individualistic person needs others; no man’s an island, and a loner is easier to kill.

Individualism doesn't mean at all what you think it means, it's a cluster of widely differeing philosophies that puts the individual ahead of the group or state, it's ranging from anarchism to liberalism and is also has nothing to do with my point.

Central Europe?  What, Germany?  Because let me tell you, historically they are SUPER concerned about race!

Germany traditionally considered western european, central europe would be the people stuck between them and the russians, to put it very loosely. We are equally nonplussed by the self-flagellating white guilt complex and the woe me victim complex of the west. We did none of the shit those meanie white people did to the nonwhites and suffered everyting any poc ever did and then some. We don't give a shit about your color, we care about what culture you are from and if you respect our values.

I’m an American from a former Confederate state; trust me, race is everything.  It always is.

No it really isn't. How old are you? Asking without condescension, genuinly curious, because if you are in your low twenties at most, it's understandable why you think like this.

See that hike? Do you know what happened at that time that made virtually all american media suddenly go all in with racism?

Occupy Wall Street, that's what. It's a brilliant way to sow victimhood and hate and desperation amongst the people who have one common enemy, the powers that be, the banking sector, the politicians, the megacorporations.

Can't really blame you if you are in your early 20's at most, you grew up with this bullshit hammered into you. If you are older, step out of your echochamber please!

If you actually believe, that mankind doesn't progress naturally towards a more accepting society purely on the merit of there being more good people than bad and sharing a similar living with all the hardships in life, seeing that our prejudices inherited by our parents are baseless, that's how we progress, not virtue signalling courses and regressive policies. I was raised as any other kid, I had a deep resentment towards the neighbouring nations, I said vile, racist shit against people who I actually share a lot of genes with, of which fact I was in deep denial about, and then as I gradually got exposed more and more actual people of these groups, I started to realize I was wrong and everybody should be judged by their individual merits. It works throughout the generations, my grandma was thought songs about Hitler and how all jews are evil in school, she legit thought all black people at least in Africa are cannibals and shit, my mother stillsays shit that would get her cancelled in the USA, and I will probably have a mixed race kid as we stand now.

This whole racism is an eternal problem is laughable and disingenuous and I am actually sorry for you that you feel like that.

Moving on. As for Dany, the “noble white girl sold to scary dark foreign man” is a very popular trope, especially in exploitation films, which Martin draws on much more heavily than most authors do.

No, he fucking doesn't. I already wrote a bunch of examples from the books you seeminly ignore willfully. First of all, she is sold to those olive skinned savages by a white man, who is a terrible, increadibly evil man. He want's to fuck the then 11-12 ish Dany so bad, she picks his slave most resembling her and rapes her repeatedly, "until the madness pass." He also maimes children and traines them as disposable slave spies by the hundreds. There is no boundaries colour here, GRRM prtrays all kinds of people as reprehensible, evil and disgusting. Just like you can find plenty of examples to the opposite.

What is he drawing from your exploitation movies exactly? He writes about the human anture, he writes about the human heart at war with itself, that's his central philosophy of writing.

ASOFAI is basically just a porn movie with complicated feudal politics obscuring it, which is probably why it worked so well as an HBO series (up until the last two seasons or so.)

There is no gratuitous sex scene in the books, the rapes are described as rapes, they are horrible, they are very shortly described and usually just alluded to.

The people commiting them are not put into generous lights and one of the single most harrowing stories hidden behind the grand happenings of the plot is a girl named Jeyne Poole, whose suffering although never shown, is very much pointed out, along with the hypocrisy of the people who only fight to try and save her, because they think her a different person.

Honestly, if you actually read the books and they came of to you as porn, you might want to do some soulsearching.Btw, the HBO series was a terrible adaptation, it immedietly started to go further and further from the books with every passing season and the showmakers made it very clear to everybody, that they didn't understand the very much pacifist and humanist themes of Martin. And neither did you.

We also get no indication Essos will eat it when Winter comes; hell, they seem to not know Winter exists, given the way people act, even though that is also unrealistic and weird.  Essos was just super badly designed, and Dany is a terribly boring character.

to be continued

[pavcrti]

chicago’s very own pavarti kumari has been spotted on madison avenue driving a rose gold model x , welcome ! your resemblance to mishti rahman is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty fifth  birthday bash .  your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re fiery , but being eloquent might help you . i think being a pieces explains that .  3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be fresh fields of lavender that expand into a cotton candy sky , the reflection of the sun caught in the glimmer of a crystal , rhyming couplets professing deep - seeded emotion . ( i ghost write songs for artists who like to claim they write their own work . ) & ( cis female + she / her  ) +  ( emily , 25 , sher / her , pst )

holy shit , it’s ya girl . i’m back after needing a bit of a break from being in a group . and bc i honestly adored this place sm and i made so many great friends here i am back . . . 👀 i expect plots with each and every one of u btw so u best deliver . i desperately wanna get this finished before i pass the fuck out . i’ll be joining the server in the morning , but in the meantime if u wanna be my friend  👀 👀 titsiana praises satan#7989

    biography .

name : pavarti kumari 

age : twenty five

gender : cisfemale

zodiac : pieces 

sexuality : bisexual 

profession : singer / songwriter 

hair color : black

eye color : brown

piercings : both lobes , nose 

tattoos : none

voice claim : jhene aiko

released albums : sail out ( ep ) , trip 

miss pavarti was born in bangladesh . her parents are both 100% bangladeshi and immigrated to chicago when pavarti was four years old . she had an older brother who was five years older than her . his name was siva .her family traveled back every summer so she is very immersed in the culture of her homeland and is a very spiritual person as a result . from a young age , pavarti had a fascination with the english language . not only was it so complex , but there was so much that could be done with it as well . she loved poetry and different types of prose . she also developed an absolute adoration for hip hop as a result . she’s been able to work several of her lyrical inspirations in her albums , something she would’ve never anticipated growing up as an immigrant child . when she entered middle school , she joined the school choir as an extra curricular activity which is what inspired her love for music and introduced her to her vocal talents . within time , she began combining her inclination for poetry with her voice . she wrote her first song at thirteen and began to freestyle for her friends . unfortunately , she was never taken too seriously by her peers . she was a female , hardly the usual suspect for the rnb , soul vibe that her voice conveys . before she graduated high school , her brother siva was killed in a car crash . the unexpected death of her best friend and protector sent pavarti into a spiral . this begun her tendency to alter her reality to escape from her pain with the help of drugs . she frequently writes about her brother in her music . when she was eighteen , she was discovered , ironically , by a manager of a local rapper at a poetry slam she was performing at . she impressed him and he introduced her to his client . this is how pavarti entered the hip hop scene , albeit , in secret . in hip hop , it’s very custom for performers to write the tracks that they put out themselves . pavarti learned that she could learn the skills of the trade whilst making her own connections and making pretty good cash , as well . as the years progressed , the notoriety of her clients rose . she’s written bars for multiple big names and by harvesting these friendships , she was able to get signed to a record label and put out her first ep at age twenty one . it was well received by critics and pavarti was thrilled to be taken seriously as an artist doing what she loves . she kept working , kept her nose in her business and released her first full album , trip , just last year . she feels like she is constantly growing artistically and finds herself inspired everywhere she turns . she’s currently working on her second full album and just dropped a new single , p*$$y fairy . other than that , there’s not too much else to note in her history . she did not grow up rich , rather she’s only recently come into wealth . her money is very new and she’s not too skilled at spending it wisely .

    personality . 

okay , so this will probably just be a long winded explanation that no one really asked for / needed but here we go ! first and foremost . . . pavarti is a dreamer in every sense of the word . she’s whimsical , she’s connected to the earth around her . she drifts off into elaborate day dreams and tells herself stories in her head as she falls to sleep . she is very spiritual . she meditates twice a day . her house always smells of incense . she has an affinity for weed and hallucinogenics . she really enjoys writing under the influence . her album trip is literally inspired by several drug experiences she had that had a profound impact in her life . pavarti’s general demeanor is borderline wall - flower . you wouldn’t expect her to be so shy , but she is . she’s the giggly girl who’ll hang back and let someone else come to her first . in the meantime , she’s taking in every single detail . she’s incredibly observant . sometimes she thinks in poetry . she realizes that she isn’t the typical visual for a female hip hop , rnb artist but it’s truly her passion in life and her art flows through her . she says more in her songs than she does to the people she needs to and that can definitely be problematic . with that said , pavarti is very well spoken . girl knows how to sweet talk her way through just about anything . but she also has the temper of a devil . she does not tolerate being fucked around with . she has that attitude about her where she will go and key your car if you hurt her or one of her best friends . people typically wouldn’t expect such an explosion from someone so outwardly sanguine and easy going but she’s the type to scratch someone’s eyes out if she has to . her music is her spouse . this fucks her up relationship wise a lot because she tends to let chances pass her by because she would rather stay undistracted . she has an ego , but not really in the outward way that one would anticipate when ego is involved . she knows she’s talented . she knows she’s attractive . but she also knows that she’s fucking lucky to be where she is and she’s grateful . pavarti is the type who wakes up with a smile because she has another twenty four hours to be alive . she doesn’t take things for granted --- she used to , until she lost her older brother and she realized just how quickly things can change . pavarti is a fiercely loyal individual to her friends . she will stand up for them , no matter what . the thing is , she expects it back . she is very much aware of her self worth and does not react kindly to a one sided vibe . 

    plots . 

ok , ok , ok . . . so how i am going to do this is offer up some songs / song pairings for songs that i believe pavarti has written for specific people with certain plots in mind for at least her side of things . and then i will also list some basic plots that aren’t based on anything in particular , but are still plots that i would like very much to have ! the links go to lyrics ! all plots are gender neutral , so ignore any pronouns that are in the songs .

bed peace / stay ready / while we’re young --- fwbs with feelings : pavarti and your muse have been friends for a while . somewhere along the line things crossed the line and they began hooking up . it’s obvious that they feel something intense for each other but something is always in the way of them being together --- plus , neither are really sure if the friendship could withstand a romantic relationship crashing and burning . so here they are , stuck in this awkward limbo . they hook up , hang out , awkwardly third wheel when the other is dating someone else . it’s an interesting dynamic and pavarti wouldn’t deal with drama with anyone else but your muse . they have a really compelling bond and neither can think of life without the other but things have been like this for a long time and there is only so long a relationship as complicated as this one could actually function .

the worst / comfort inn ending / moments / when we love --- exes that ended badly with lingering feelings : this was . . . just a crazy hot and cold relationship . when it was hot , it was fucking hot . when it was cold ? damn . hell itself could freeze over . they probably have done and said a lot of nasty , nasty shit to each other . at the same time , they could’ve been literally planning their wedding at some point because they both were incredibly serious about each other . in comfort inn ending , pavarti suggests their relationship was a result of her cheating on another boyfriend to be with your muse and your muse ultimately cheated on her as well . we can discuss that but i would high key kill for the extra drama . around the time pavarti was writing her first full album , they had a rekindling that inspired her to write moments and when we love . i don’t envision this relationship having ended in a decent way from there , though . more cheating ? fighting ? they were definitely toxic . she’s definitely planning on dragging their ass some more in her tracks .

lsd / sativa --- platonic soulmates : omg so this plot is . . . so fucking cute . but these two would basically die for each other . there is zero sexual attraction , just genuine , pure love . they do everything together . but what really sealed their bond ? well . . . many different intense acid trips , of course ! they love to get high together and forget about the world . they both feel like they can trust the other because they have been present for so many life - changing moments . they rarely go a day without seeing each other and absolutely never go a day without talking in some capacity . sometimes they fight like siblings . but pavarti would honestly kill for your muse . there is nothing she wouldn’t do for them . 

new balance / newer balance / you are here / clear my mind --- the romantic bad influence : this plot is another messy piece of trash . from the beginning , when they first met , pavarti always thought your muse was too good to be true . they reminded her so much of her brother . she felt this sense of peace with your muse . she fell in love quickly but at the same time , felt like there was something looming over their relationship . like it wasn’t permanent . like it’s all just a dream . the bad influence part isn’t portrayed too much in the lyrics other than stressing pavarti’s fear that your muse isn’t exactly who they say they are and this relationship is doomed to fail somehow . she knows that when this explodes in her face that it’s going to destroy her . i see your muse bringing out edgier sides of pavarti’s personality . they party a lot , they influence pavarti to do crazy things with them and she does and she feels so alive with your muse . that is , until , it all crumbles . the facade is destroyed and whatever it was that your muse wasn’t being upfront about shatters the way she feels for your muse entirely . she feels betrayed . clear my mind is pavarti’s way of trying to hype herself up to be stronger than she really is . 

never call me / --- best friends turned enemies : this is my last long one i promise , wtf , why did i decide to do this . anyways --- this plot is again , a shit ton of angst so enjoy that . your muse and pavarti used to be the best of friends . inseparable . that is until things went south . fast . we can discuss what it was that happened between our muses but it was something huge and preferably something where they both could stubbornly blame each other . pavarti feels slighted because she thinks that your muse should be the one who reaches out and perhaps your muses could be thinking the same about her . 

romantic plots : crushes , unrequited love , hateship , party hookup , friends with benefits , secret fling , summer romance 

platonic plots : give me close friends ! and tons of them please ! thanks . roommates , drug buddies , confidants , unlikely friendship , travel friends , only friends in the dms , enemies turned friend

[sarcasticsaddo]

MOVIE REVIEW: You Get Me

I did a poll on my instagram spam account (fatratglenn btw) and i got 100% votes for me to start and put movie reviews on my tumblr. so here goes nothing...

FIRST OF ALL.... this movie had 5 main characters - Holly, Tyler, Ali (or Alison), Gil and Lydia but the movie to me in general is primarily focused on Holly & Tyler.

So, basically the movie starts off with Tyler narrating about his life and blah blah blah *insert cliche teen boy shit in here* and how his new girlfriend has quote on quote ‘changed his life’. And briefly afterwards we’re taken to this cliche house party in the middle of damn nowhere where we are introduced to these privileged ass California teens. Then out of nowhere Tyler , our male protagonist, discovers his lovers (Ali’s) ‘vices’ (being the cliche popular party girl previously who insists she’ changed). He then talks to this misogynistic asshole Chandler - i mean Chase (i could not remember because the name is so overused) who speaks of Ali in a somewhat ‘disrespectful’ manner. The annoying thing about this is that the movie forces us and wants us to believe that this guy was important to Ali and is spilling about her old ways and is such a typical douche bag its kinda not believable. And ALSO this dude is all the way from San Fran, so accordingly to my research he would have to travel some good  383.2 miles just to see Ali and attend some party which he knows NOBODY there which is stupid and unrealistic. I just wanna say that ‘unrealism’ is to be expected in this movie - so be warned...

Ah, and then naturally in his typical douche bag token white guy ways, our boy Tyler gets off his tits ‘drunk’ just fir the purpose of him yelling at his girlfriend who declared his ‘soulmate’ 5 minutes ago! THIS MOVIE IS NOT CONSISTENT. Anyways, she then breaks up with him with no emotion whatsoever which instantly told me this movie had no hope for acting as i yawned. Prior to this we see him engage in a random and stupid conversation with Holly finally after a good 20 minutes of rambling. THEN he sees Holly and doesn't seem as drunk as he did 0.2 secs ago and gets in the car with this COMPLETE STRANGER and goes clubbing with her. Then we are ‘blessed’ with a cringey montage of he and her clubbing and taking what appears to be ecstasy. Then they continue to be unrealistic teens as they grind and make out for a solid 5 minutes on each other. This scene was especially painful to watch as Bella Thorne and Taylor John Smith had 0 chemistry but at least they tried. Then it cuts to the pair in bed after clearly having sex and just spends a good 15 minutes (it felt like the whole movie) of them both talking and bonding and in this HUGE MANSION which clearly isn’t Holly’s so doesn’t that tell you she’s a little PSYCHOTIC because she broke in for no damn reason?! Anyways, then Tyler and Holly fuck AGAIN and then he says he has to leave because ‘his parents’ (whom he said he only lived with his mom) would be worried. 

So he leaves and doesn’t show any interest in his Ex-Girlfriend Ali, until she texts him on--screen asking if they can talk - ONLY THEN HE’S INTERESTED. Then they have a cliche moment where he betrays her an lies but she doesn’t know it - SHOCKER! cliche again, i know. So a little while later she moves to his school and unnaturally starts becoming close with Ali, Gil, Lydia - much to Tyler's dismay which she clearly does so she can get to him. Then they make out forcefully privately and he says she can’t do this and that he’s going to be ‘fucking sorry’ which was arguably the best line in the entire movie and the one line spoken with actual emotion so bravo Bella Thorne for being the only one who can semi-act. 

Fast forward a couple more painful scenes and we find our selves seeing that Mr Dumb ass finally realized Holly is insane after she tells some lies that hurt his ego but (i agree with because he was so unlikable.) Also prior to this she tells him he used her, in which he of course denies, but to me was proven to be true as when they slept together they had a bond and he called it ‘special’ when he led her on to a false image which may have sparked her unhealthy desire for him in the first place. So yes, Tyler aka Mr ‘Such a good boyfriend’  did use Holly. 

Also note that there is a super uncomfortable make-out scene between Holly (Bella Thorne) and Gil (Nash Grier) when she speaks about her and Tyler’s fling to Ali (anonymously of course) on the beach because that’s where all Cali Teens hang right? 

Sooner or later Holly lies about being pregnant and talks about Tyler all the time and Ali never notices it being a little off because ,she too, has no brain just like everyone else except Lydia who is nearly killed so what does that tell you? Also near this moment we have, low and behold, the single handedly best scene of this god-awful movie, which is when the most likable character - Lydia suffers a seizure which is so dramatized and taken out of context considering the angles and close-up shots of her shaking her ass are not scary at all and are actually extremely hilarious, laughable and are simply comedic gold!

And then, just THEN Tyler realizes alongside a hospitalized Lydia, that this bitch, Holly is a FUCKING PSYCHO! I had to pause the damn movie to sigh in relief that this was finally noted. Then things get more ‘serious’ when Holly’’s baby-daddy, Tyler, shoves Holly who is allegedly pregnant which his child over and she bleeds and gets grazed, then she makes it her mission to tell Ali about them and she does.

Then our ‘beloved’ high-school couple (sorry Gabriela and Troy) break up at the damn beach AGAIN. Like seriously, could the director not have shot these scenes at different locations like we get it - they live in California and overly LOVE the beach, but showing something different would be a little refreshing, thanks. She says ‘she never wants to see him again’ boo-hoo crap and that’s the end of that.

BUT NOT BEFORE Holly ties fucking Alison upside down (like man that really took some effort getting up there) to her own ceiling at the mansion and then whilst Corrine, her stepmother (who doesn't do anything about her behavior despite being aware of it) tries to untie Ali but not before Holly (our favorite psychopath) strangulates her to death. This clearly showed Holly gave no fucks and made her more likable to me. 

Then Tyler and Gil turn up and there’s a classic cliche showdown which is borderline ripped right off of Scream and Friday the 13th etc in which Gil is nearly shot (OMG NASH GRIER NEARLY DIED SO INTENSE bull-crap!) and Tyler is shot in the shoulder and Ali grabs a fire-poker and stabs Holly in the side causing her to fall inevitably in to the pool. But get this - she’s not dead! - (somehow she didn’t drown or bleed to death, that was a pretty painful stab btw) as Tyler pretends so badly to be dying as Ali and Gil pretend to care and attend to him whilst the police arrive. Then Holly is implied to become obsessed with the ambulance nurse as she somehow lives and looks untouched completely. REALISTIC Y’ALL!

Then yay! all their problems are solved as 3 of them party at Tyler’s little sisters party and then it ends. Classic cliche happy ending , worst 89 minutes of my life.

Some other things i’d like to point out is how this film is meant to be an ‘American Thriller’. Excuse me, but this wasn’t dark nor a thriller - it was more like a dramatized teen movie that had been done in Hollywood several times over the past 40 decades prior to this 2017 flick. And, with some more emotion, better acting, script and realism added in (and much more) this could have had the potential to be a good and somewhat decent Netflix movie! I think despite all those factors, the thing that let this movie down also was the stupid cringey-ass cuts in-between scenes where it was a overview of California (implying YET AGAIN that the director wants you to know that’s where they live for some unspecified reason) which had a form of EDM neo pop generic dubstep TRASH playing over it too.

So yeah, this took me a while to type, and now my fingers are numb! But, this was and hopefully not my last movie review! Now please don't watch this movie because if this review and its 4.6 IMBd score and it’s 26% score on rottentomatoes.com proves that you should STAY THE HELL AWAY from this movie.

The only somewhat likable charters were Holly (the fucking psycho) and Lydia - the one who actually had a brain! All the other were extremely boring, unlikable and mediocre.

REVIEW CONCLUDED.

Until Next Time my dudes,

sarcastic-saddo

[foursprout-blog]

61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/61-juicy-details-from-the-bachelor-nation-book-that-prove-the-show-isnt-all-champagne-and-limos-2/

61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos

laureneburnham Instagram

LA Times reporter Amy Kaufman wrote an engrossing and in-depth peak into all things Bachelor in Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure. It’s required (and enjoyable!) reading for any fan of the series. Here were some of the best things I learned:

What goes into each episode

[*] Each episode has a budget of $2 million.

[*] Production keeps costs “down” by writing to hotels and venues and exchanging a mention of their name for free stays and services.

[*] During casting, the producers pick two girls they think the Bachelor/Bachelorette will really like. The other 23 contestants are cast only because they will make good TV.

[*] The people the producers think has the best chance of winning will be the first and last people out of the limo.

[*] Producers will influence who stays and who gets in the limo ride of shame by introducing certain contestants to the Bachelor/Bachelorette and making sure they have time, through which information they feed to the Bachelor/Bachelorette about each contestant, and by telling the Bachelor/Bachelorette directly of a few contestants they’d like to keep around for TV.

[*] Former co-executive producer Scott Jeffress would ensure they made good TV by rewarding producers who created drama with $100 bills he kept in his pocket. Producers would get the cash by causing a contestant to cry, getting the Bachelor to kiss someone, or catching someone mid-puke.

[*] The other executive producer, Lisa Levenson, is the character UnReal is based on. She was making $10,000 a week.

[*] The production staff often drinks with the contestants, especially expressing faux sympathy and then offering to do a shot with them prior to an interview so that they’ll be less guarded with their answers.

[*] Production staff would routinely function on as little of an hour a sleep a day because they were staying up so late partying.

[*] After years and years (and a lawsuit) of public criticism for not casting diverse leads ABC announced their first lead of color, Rachel Lindsay. Ratings went down about a million viewers from the previous season (Jojo Fletcher’s): “Fletcher’s audience was 86 percent white and 7 percent black; Lindsay’s was 80 percent white and 12 percent black.”

[*] You don’t own the Neil Lane ring unless you are together for two years.

[*] For two years after the show you can’t get married unless you let ABC film. They only pay you $10,000 per hour of TV. (It wasn’t made clear if this was per person or per couple).

[*] The bachelor mansion has 6 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms and the family that owns in it actually do live there. Production pays to move everything out of the house and for the family to stay at a hotel for 42 days each season. Here is the house’s (weird) website.

How to get on The Bachelor

[*] If you make it to the final interviews, you’ll get flown to LA, a $50/day stipend, and unlimited alcohol.

[*] There is an STI test you need to pass to get on the show and it’s one of the top reasons finalists don’t get cast. This was the most confusing part of the show for me because the author doesn’t specify which STIs and herpes is so common that doctors don’t even test for it as a standard. It would be hard for me to believe they have SO many casting options after eliminating this pool. Really wish the author would have followed up here.

[*] The producers say they won’t take people with borderline personality or who have had suicidal ideation in the past, but former contestants like Rozlyn Papa have struggled with depression, so it’s not clear what the line is.

[*] The contract you sign means you have to go to “After the Rose” reunions if they want you to appear for up to three years.

[*] It used to be the case that contestants would go into debt buying dresses for the show. Now people get them discounted or free with the promise of showing them on social media.

[*] On the show, you might sleep up to twelve people per room in bunk beds. You will have to do your own laundry and cook your own food.

[*] You’re not allowed to bring music or magazines, but for the most recent seasons contestants were allowed books. Prior to that the only book allowed was the bible. Contestants also usually bring vibrators.

[*] The contestants are so bored that production can bribe them with music or a movie in exchange for gossiping about someone on camera or doing something else that builds the storyline.

[*] Sometimes the cast members will say things in interviews just because they are tired and want to be done with the interview, but they know the producers will keep going until they get something juicy.

[*] One producer explicitly says the show is formed around a storyline the producers create, vs editing what actually happens. They’re quoted as saying “There’s no allegiance to what happened in reality.”

[*] You can read one of our former staff writer’s detailing her audition experience here.

Past Bachelor/Bachelorette drama

[*] The very first winner of The Bachelor, Amanda Marsh, broke up with the bachelor (Alex Michel) when she learned (months later) that he slept with the runner-up, Trista Rehn, in the fantasy suite.

[*] Sharleen Joynt from Juan Pablo’s season is one of the few former contestants interviewed in the book. I think both Sharleen and the book’s author think she comes off well but each time one of her quotes appeared it made me cringe. Every one was about how she was somehow different/better than the other women on the show. At one point she bragged a producer told her she was the most “analytical” and “reflective” contestant they’ve ever had on the show… which seems like the exact kind of buttering up that a producer says to lots of people over the years to get them to open up more in an interview.

[*] When Desiree Hartsock was on Sean Lowe’s season she was living paycheck to paycheck and didn’t have a plan for if she ended up missing a lot of work for the show. Eventually she had to ask producer’s to pay her rent for her (which they did).

[*] Meredith Phillips was the second Bachelorette. She was paid only $10,000 for the whole season.

[*] Now, the bachelor or bachelorette typically receive $100,000+.

[*] The author, Amy Kaufman, has a viewing party in her Los Angeles apartment. Robby Hayes (a castoff from Jojo’s season and purveyor of diet creamer #ads on Instagram) promised to come and made her buy supplies so he could drink Moscow Mules and then ghosted her.

[*] Andrew Baldwin, the “officer and a gentleman” former Bachelor had a somewhat shady response to Kaufman’s request to interview him for the book. He asked for a percentage of the profits in order for him to “spill all”. (I don’t think anyone should spend time doing something for free but he should just decline or not respond. In journalism it’s generally considered unethical to pay someone for an interview because it gives that person an incentive that isn’t truth-telling).

[*] Matt Grant had a better response: “unless your business opportunity can help my daughter’s university fund then I have little interest in getting involved.”

[*] Chris Bukowski only found out he was cast on Emily Maynard’s season 3 weeks before it began. He frantically started working out and kept chicken in his pockets because he was trying to eat so much protein and build muscle. He said: “I would work out before work. I would work out when I got home from work. I’d run, like, six miles before I went to bed. It was ridiculous.”

[*] By 11am on his first day of Bachelor in Paradise Chad Johnson had already consumed 7 shots of Jack Daniels and an entire bottle of wine. Production let him pass out in the sand and allowed crabs to crawl over his face. He eventually was asked to leave after Sarah Herron gave production an ultimatum.

[*] Clare Crawley recalled her famous conversation with Juan Pablo. In the helicopter she was trying to discuss the proposal/ending of the show with him. She asked him how he was feeling about it and he responded, “I don’t know. I liked fucking you.”

[*] The sex Juan was referring to didn’t take place in the ocean. Clare tells a pretty sad story about wanting to go for a midnight swim to celebrate being able to travel and being at a good place in her life after a battle with anxiety when the producers forced her to ask Juan Pablo to join her, made it look like they had sex in the ocean, and then filmed and broadcast a scene where Juan Pablo shamed her for being a bad example for his daughter. (Fuck that guy).

[*] The insane part of being on the show is that you don’t even know what you feel anymore because it’s so disconnected to reality. Chris Bukowski was pressured by Elan Gale and production to propose at the end of Bachelor in Paradise to Elise Mosca. Despite being aware enough of how bad of an idea it was that he told his mom “I don’t know. Should I propose to her? I don’t, like, love her or anything.” he was very close to going through with it.

[*] There was so much negativity about Chris Bukowski on the internet that he and his dad stopped talking for awhile because his dad was so embarrassed by it.

[*] Rozlyn Papa claims she never had any kind of inappropriate relationship with a producer (she was kicked of Jake Pavelka’s season for this reason). It seems convincing enough in the book that it could have been totally made up by production to create a storyline. In retrospect, Papa says “You go on that show and you are meat for the grinder.”

[*] Ben Flajnik basically broke up with his pick Courtney because of what he saw once the season started airing (she was “the villain”).

The Bachelor

[*] Ben was the runner-up on Ashley Hebert’s season of The Bachelorette. He said of proposing to Ashley “I liked Ashley enough. You’re not really in love with a person. But Ashley was super cool, and I was like, ‘Who knows where this is gonna go?’ If she says yes, I’ll just do a very long engagement.”

[*] Lauren Bushnell’s $100,000 Neil Lane ring was the most expensive in the series history. She had to give it back when her and Ben Higgins broke up.

Lauren Bushnell Instagram

[*] A lot of couples don’t get to know each other much more than we see on TV when they get engaged. Melissa Rycroft says when she started talking to Jason Mesnick after the show ended (and they were engaged), they’d never discussed his job, or whether she would move from Dallas to Seattle.

[*] Donnie Wahlberg told the cutest story about being a Bachelor fan: “I will literally walk on-set after lunch and say, “OK, it’s Monday. Bachelor in Paradise tonight. Let’s get the hell out of here so everyone can watch it.”

[*] Of criticism Catherine Lowe has faced for turning her happily ever after/family into #ads, she says “As much as I don’t want to do the ads, it’s like, ‘Well, I have a beautiful home and a child that I have to pay for, and I don’t have to go to an office every day,’”

[*] Ashely Iaconetti defended her sponsored Instagram ads by saying she uses it as her “day job” while she tries to create her own career: “Yes, I get money from ads, but I’m also working every day on jobs that don’t pay anything.”

[*] Bachelor alum can basically quite their day jobs and live off Instagram if they play it right. They can arrange vacations around which places will pay them for appearances, comp a stay, or pay them to post social media tagging the location.

Mike Fleiss

[*] Mike Fleiss is the producer and creator of The Bachelor. His second cousin is famed Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.

[*] Mike is a decent writer and started his career as a journalist. However, he was jealous of people like Howard Stern, who had more creative freedom. He discovered that he didn’t like to be “restricted” by facts.

[*] Fleiss got his start in raunchy reality specials like Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, a precursor to The Bachelor that he pitched as like a “Miss America pageant”.

[*] Mike sounds exactly like the character on UnReal based on him: a total nightmare to work with. His former assistant said of working with him:

“We’d refer to him as ‘The Dude,’ because he was just like The Big Lebowski in his slippers and his sweats and his leather jacket, smoking and playing the guitar… Keeping a conversation with him in his office was a challenge, because he’s on the other side playing the guitar, feet up on the desk.”

[*] ABC originally passed on The Bachelor when it was pitched to them. They only bought it when Fleiss added on a proper ending for the season: the bachelor would propose.

[*] After the show became a big success, Fleiss would smoke a joint during meetings with ABC and no one would say anything.

[*] He named his son Aaron, in part after Aaron Spelling.

Chris Harrison

[*] Mike Fleiss’ first impression of Chris Harrison was that “He looked like a guy barfed on by an 8-year-old.”

Elan Gale

[*] He became Twitter famous after he got caught making up a story about a woman on the same flight as him and the story went viral.

[*] After seeing him in person coaching a contestant to cry on camera and reporting on it, the book’s author was “no longer invited” to Bachelor events by ABC.

[*] Many former cast members spoke to her about how they protected (and feared) the status of their friendship with Gale.

Why we watch

[*] From a young age we learn that the most valuable feedback (says our culture, not reality) women get is about their attractiveness to straight men.

[*] Dating is something basically everyone has in common. We love to share dating “war stories” because it’s a way to bond, discuss, and check-in with each other about social norms. The Bachelor makes this an even more social experience.

[*] The fantasy of the show is that it subverts the expectation women have for me, instead of “no expectations” the men talk about their emotions, “plan” fantasy dates, and are all looking for commitment.

[*] Allison Williams has a good argument in the book (each chapter is bookended by celebrity essays) about how we don’t just learn about feminism from pro-women content, but from watching and discussing real life scenarios that aren’t exactly intended to be intellectual.

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/61-juicy-details-from-the-bachelor-nation-book-that-prove-the-show-isnt-all-champagne-and-limos-2/

61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos

laureneburnham Instagram

LA Times reporter Amy Kaufman wrote an engrossing and in-depth peak into all things Bachelor in Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure. It’s required (and enjoyable!) reading for any fan of the series. Here were some of the best things I learned:

What goes into each episode

[*] Each episode has a budget of $2 million.

[*] Production keeps costs “down” by writing to hotels and venues and exchanging a mention of their name for free stays and services.

[*] During casting, the producers pick two girls they think the Bachelor/Bachelorette will really like. The other 23 contestants are cast only because they will make good TV.

[*] The people the producers think has the best chance of winning will be the first and last people out of the limo.

[*] Producers will influence who stays and who gets in the limo ride of shame by introducing certain contestants to the Bachelor/Bachelorette and making sure they have time, through which information they feed to the Bachelor/Bachelorette about each contestant, and by telling the Bachelor/Bachelorette directly of a few contestants they’d like to keep around for TV.

[*] Former co-executive producer Scott Jeffress would ensure they made good TV by rewarding producers who created drama with $100 bills he kept in his pocket. Producers would get the cash by causing a contestant to cry, getting the Bachelor to kiss someone, or catching someone mid-puke.

[*] The other executive producer, Lisa Levenson, is the character UnReal is based on. She was making $10,000 a week.

[*] The production staff often drinks with the contestants, especially expressing faux sympathy and then offering to do a shot with them prior to an interview so that they’ll be less guarded with their answers.

[*] Production staff would routinely function on as little of an hour a sleep a day because they were staying up so late partying.

[*] After years and years (and a lawsuit) of public criticism for not casting diverse leads ABC announced their first lead of color, Rachel Lindsay. Ratings went down about a million viewers from the previous season (Jojo Fletcher’s): “Fletcher’s audience was 86 percent white and 7 percent black; Lindsay’s was 80 percent white and 12 percent black.”

[*] You don’t own the Neil Lane ring unless you are together for two years.

[*] For two years after the show you can’t get married unless you let ABC film. They only pay you $10,000 per hour of TV. (It wasn’t made clear if this was per person or per couple).

[*] The bachelor mansion has 6 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms and the family that owns in it actually do live there. Production pays to move everything out of the house and for the family to stay at a hotel for 42 days each season. Here is the house’s (weird) website.

How to get on The Bachelor

[*] If you make it to the final interviews, you’ll get flown to LA, a $50/day stipend, and unlimited alcohol.

[*] There is an STI test you need to pass to get on the show and it’s one of the top reasons finalists don’t get cast. This was the most confusing part of the show for me because the author doesn’t specify which STIs and herpes is so common that doctors don’t even test for it as a standard. It would be hard for me to believe they have SO many casting options after eliminating this pool. Really wish the author would have followed up here.

[*] The producers say they won’t take people with borderline personality or who have had suicidal ideation in the past, but former contestants like Rozlyn Papa have struggled with depression, so it’s not clear what the line is.

[*] The contract you sign means you have to go to “After the Rose” reunions if they want you to appear for up to three years.

[*] It used to be the case that contestants would go into debt buying dresses for the show. Now people get them discounted or free with the promise of showing them on social media.

[*] On the show, you might sleep up to twelve people per room in bunk beds. You will have to do your own laundry and cook your own food.

[*] You’re not allowed to bring music or magazines, but for the most recent seasons contestants were allowed books. Prior to that the only book allowed was the bible. Contestants also usually bring vibrators.

[*] The contestants are so bored that production can bribe them with music or a movie in exchange for gossiping about someone on camera or doing something else that builds the storyline.

[*] Sometimes the cast members will say things in interviews just because they are tired and want to be done with the interview, but they know the producers will keep going until they get something juicy.

[*] One producer explicitly says the show is formed around a storyline the producers create, vs editing what actually happens. They’re quoted as saying “There’s no allegiance to what happened in reality.”

[*] You can read one of our former staff writer’s detailing her audition experience here.

Past Bachelor/Bachelorette drama

[*] The very first winner of The Bachelor, Amanda Marsh, broke up with the bachelor (Alex Michel) when she learned (months later) that he slept with the runner-up, Trista Rehn, in the fantasy suite.

[*] Sharleen Joynt from Juan Pablo’s season is one of the few former contestants interviewed in the book. I think both Sharleen and the book’s author think she comes off well but each time one of her quotes appeared it made me cringe. Every one was about how she was somehow different/better than the other women on the show. At one point she bragged a producer told her she was the most “analytical” and “reflective” contestant they’ve ever had on the show… which seems like the exact kind of buttering up that a producer says to lots of people over the years to get them to open up more in an interview.

[*] When Desiree Hartsock was on Sean Lowe’s season she was living paycheck to paycheck and didn’t have a plan for if she ended up missing a lot of work for the show. Eventually she had to ask producer’s to pay her rent for her (which they did).

[*] Meredith Phillips was the second Bachelorette. She was paid only $10,000 for the whole season.

[*] Now, the bachelor or bachelorette typically receive $100,000+.

[*] The author, Amy Kaufman, has a viewing party in her Los Angeles apartment. Robby Hayes (a castoff from Jojo’s season and purveyor of diet creamer #ads on Instagram) promised to come and made her buy supplies so he could drink Moscow Mules and then ghosted her.

[*] Andrew Baldwin, the “officer and a gentleman” former Bachelor had a somewhat shady response to Kaufman’s request to interview him for the book. He asked for a percentage of the profits in order for him to “spill all”. (I don’t think anyone should spend time doing something for free but he should just decline or not respond. In journalism it’s generally considered unethical to pay someone for an interview because it gives that person an incentive that isn’t truth-telling).

[*] Matt Grant had a better response: “unless your business opportunity can help my daughter’s university fund then I have little interest in getting involved.”

[*] Chris Bukowski only found out he was cast on Emily Maynard’s season 3 weeks before it began. He frantically started working out and kept chicken in his pockets because he was trying to eat so much protein and build muscle. He said: “I would work out before work. I would work out when I got home from work. I’d run, like, six miles before I went to bed. It was ridiculous.”

[*] By 11am on his first day of Bachelor in Paradise Chad Johnson had already consumed 7 shots of Jack Daniels and an entire bottle of wine. Production let him pass out in the sand and allowed crabs to crawl over his face. He eventually was asked to leave after Sarah Herron gave production an ultimatum.

[*] Clare Crawley recalled her famous conversation with Juan Pablo. In the helicopter she was trying to discuss the proposal/ending of the show with him. She asked him how he was feeling about it and he responded, “I don’t know. I liked fucking you.”

[*] The sex Juan was referring to didn’t take place in the ocean. Clare tells a pretty sad story about wanting to go for a midnight swim to celebrate being able to travel and being at a good place in her life after a battle with anxiety when the producers forced her to ask Juan Pablo to join her, made it look like they had sex in the ocean, and then filmed and broadcast a scene where Juan Pablo shamed her for being a bad example for his daughter. (Fuck that guy).

[*] The insane part of being on the show is that you don’t even know what you feel anymore because it’s so disconnected to reality. Chris Bukowski was pressured by Elan Gale and production to propose at the end of Bachelor in Paradise to Elise Mosca. Despite being aware enough of how bad of an idea it was that he told his mom “I don’t know. Should I propose to her? I don’t, like, love her or anything.” he was very close to going through with it.

[*] There was so much negativity about Chris Bukowski on the internet that he and his dad stopped talking for awhile because his dad was so embarrassed by it.

[*] Rozlyn Papa claims she never had any kind of inappropriate relationship with a producer (she was kicked of Jake Pavelka’s season for this reason). It seems convincing enough in the book that it could have been totally made up by production to create a storyline. In retrospect, Papa says “You go on that show and you are meat for the grinder.”

[*] Ben Flajnik basically broke up with his pick Courtney because of what he saw once the season started airing (she was “the villain”).

The Bachelor

[*] Ben was the runner-up on Ashley Hebert’s season of The Bachelorette. He said of proposing to Ashley “I liked Ashley enough. You’re not really in love with a person. But Ashley was super cool, and I was like, ‘Who knows where this is gonna go?’ If she says yes, I’ll just do a very long engagement.”

[*] Lauren Bushnell’s $100,000 Neil Lane ring was the most expensive in the series history. She had to give it back when her and Ben Higgins broke up.

Lauren Bushnell Instagram

[*] A lot of couples don’t get to know each other much more than we see on TV when they get engaged. Melissa Rycroft says when she started talking to Jason Mesnick after the show ended (and they were engaged), they’d never discussed his job, or whether she would move from Dallas to Seattle.

[*] Donnie Wahlberg told the cutest story about being a Bachelor fan: “I will literally walk on-set after lunch and say, “OK, it’s Monday. Bachelor in Paradise tonight. Let’s get the hell out of here so everyone can watch it.”

[*] Of criticism Catherine Lowe has faced for turning her happily ever after/family into #ads, she says “As much as I don’t want to do the ads, it’s like, ‘Well, I have a beautiful home and a child that I have to pay for, and I don’t have to go to an office every day,’”

[*] Ashely Iaconetti defended her sponsored Instagram ads by saying she uses it as her “day job” while she tries to create her own career: “Yes, I get money from ads, but I’m also working every day on jobs that don’t pay anything.”

[*] Bachelor alum can basically quite their day jobs and live off Instagram if they play it right. They can arrange vacations around which places will pay them for appearances, comp a stay, or pay them to post social media tagging the location.

Mike Fleiss

[*] Mike Fleiss is the producer and creator of The Bachelor. His second cousin is famed Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.

[*] Mike is a decent writer and started his career as a journalist. However, he was jealous of people like Howard Stern, who had more creative freedom. He discovered that he didn’t like to be “restricted” by facts.

[*] Fleiss got his start in raunchy reality specials like Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, a precursor to The Bachelor that he pitched as like a “Miss America pageant”.

[*] Mike sounds exactly like the character on UnReal based on him: a total nightmare to work with. His former assistant said of working with him:

“We’d refer to him as ‘The Dude,’ because he was just like The Big Lebowski in his slippers and his sweats and his leather jacket, smoking and playing the guitar… Keeping a conversation with him in his office was a challenge, because he’s on the other side playing the guitar, feet up on the desk.”

[*] ABC originally passed on The Bachelor when it was pitched to them. They only bought it when Fleiss added on a proper ending for the season: the bachelor would propose.

[*] After the show became a big success, Fleiss would smoke a joint during meetings with ABC and no one would say anything.

[*] He named his son Aaron, in part after Aaron Spelling.

Chris Harrison

[*] Mike Fleiss’ first impression of Chris Harrison was that “He looked like a guy barfed on by an 8-year-old.”

Elan Gale

[*] He became Twitter famous after he got caught making up a story about a woman on the same flight as him and the story went viral.

[*] After seeing him in person coaching a contestant to cry on camera and reporting on it, the book’s author was “no longer invited” to Bachelor events by ABC.

[*] Many former cast members spoke to her about how they protected (and feared) the status of their friendship with Gale.

Why we watch

[*] From a young age we learn that the most valuable feedback (says our culture, not reality) women get is about their attractiveness to straight men.

[*] Dating is something basically everyone has in common. We love to share dating “war stories” because it’s a way to bond, discuss, and check-in with each other about social norms. The Bachelor makes this an even more social experience.

[*] The fantasy of the show is that it subverts the expectation women have for me, instead of “no expectations” the men talk about their emotions, “plan” fantasy dates, and are all looking for commitment.

[*] Allison Williams has a good argument in the book (each chapter is bookended by celebrity essays) about how we don’t just learn about feminism from pro-women content, but from watching and discussing real life scenarios that aren’t exactly intended to be intellectual.