#this kinda scenario has been living rent free in my head for so fucking long now

[blossomwritesthings]

{ 𝟐𝟑:𝟒𝟏 } — 𝐣𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠

18+ content ahead. minors dni.

phone sex. softdom!jisung // sub!femreader. praise. teasing. fingering. sex toys (vibrator). jerking off. breast/nipple play. pet names. dirty talk.

🤎 - ̥۪͙۪˚┊❛ other cool stuff ❜┊˚ ̥۪͙۪◌! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋread my rules & guidelines here! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋcheck out my skz masterlist! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋmy wip list! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ skz fic recs [sfw ver]! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋskz fic recs [nsfw ver]! :: 18+, MDNI! ࿐ྂ

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋback to navigation! ࿐ྂ

ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʀᴇᴘᴏsᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ sɪᴛᴇs (ᴛʜɪs ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇs ᴛʀᴀɴsʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴs). © ʙʟᴏssᴏᴍᴡʀɪᴛᴇsᴛʜɪɴɢs ⤐ ᴀʟʟ ʀɪɢʜᴛs ʀᴇsᴇʀᴠᴇᴅ

At one point, you just began to loose count of how many days he had been gone. 

  Your boyfriend Jisung had been on tour with Stray Kids for the past few months, traveling from one country to the next. And it seemed like every day that passed, you started to forget the feeling of him. 

  Of how it felt to wake up next to him every single morning. Of how it felt to be held by him late into the night. Of how it felt to smell his scent on every part of your shared apartment. 

  But at least your daily phone calls were still a thing between the two of you. 

  Jisung had had the idea to do such a thing just before he left for the tour, claiming that talking on the phone late at night would be easy enough since the time zones wouldn't be too much of an issue. Plus, if it was nighttime for him, he'd most likely be done with his schedules. 

  "Are you tired, baby?" He was asking you, voice filtering through the speaker of your phone. It trickled out and flooded around the shell of your ear as you held your device close to your head. Since they were currently touring in Manila, the time zone difference wasn't too bad, leaving both of you to be snuggled into your respective beds for the night. 

  "Mhm- not too much... just, the sound of your voice always relaxes me so much..." It wasn't a lie, either. The feel of it pushing against your ear through your phone speakers did wonders to ease you into sleep at the end of every night. And you found yourself looking forward to your daily calls, while you worked hard at your job in the daytime. 

  It was like a nice respite, to listen to him talk about his way and make you laugh with his stupid jokes. It was especially nice if you had had a shitty day. He was the perfect salve to calm your heart no matter the circumstances. 

  "What're you wearing right now, darling?" He suddenly asked, voice a little husky from how much he had used it at the concert that night. 

  You already felt the start of a blush creeping up your neck and pooling in your cheeks. "I-I don't know, why?" You didn't know why you were getting so nervous all of a sudden. Han Jisung was your boyfriend, for goodness sake, it shouldn't have felt weird for him to ask you such an innocent question. 

  "C'mon, tell me." He purred in that deep voice of his that he only used on you when it was late at night and you two were playing around with each other buried deep in your coverlets. 

  You took a resounding, shaky breath, feeling your heart race in your chest. "I'm in my summer pajamas. You know the ones- the shorts and tank top with the light pink heart print." You found your hands traveling down to your waistline under the bedsheets, fingers toying with the drawstring of your shorts. 

  "Hmm- I always loved that set on you," he mused, voice sounding a little far off like he was reminiscing about what you looked like in that exact moment - sprawled out in your bed, cuddled up in the covers with the phone pressed to your ear. "I bought that for you as a gift last Valentine's Day, right?" 

  You ran your palm down the length of your right leg, feeling the soft fabric of the shorts as you went. "Yeah... I still think it's one of the cutest things you've ever gotten me." 

  He was quiet for a moment, and all you could hear was his breathing. That was turning heavier, more solid, against your ear. Then, he was speaking again, but in a tone that was a little grave and lilting. "Bet you'd look even cuter without anything on..."

  "Jisung!" You blurted out, your cheeks erupting in heat from his suggestive comment. Your hand stopped its messaging of your leg, as you held your breath, waiting for his next words. 

  "You miss me, yeah?" He was suddenly questioning you, even though he already knew the answer. He knew that you thought about him every second of every single day that he was gone. You told him so on many occasions. "You'd do anything I told you to, right?" 

  You found yourself swallowing down a moan, the feeling catching in your throat and making your mind move like you were trapped in a vat of molasses. "Yes- yes, of course... you already know my answer to everything, Ji." 

  "Then I want you to play with yourself." 

 Choking on a strangled gasp, you felt your eyes widen in the shock of it all. But already - instinctually - your legs were pressing together, trying to garner some kind of friction without doing anything just yet. 

  "When's the last time you fingered yourself, babydoll?" Jisung's tone came out gravelly and hushed, and you heard him shift on his end of the phone, like he, too, was getting restless under the sheets.

  "L-Last week." 

  "And did I cross your mind, while you fucked yourself with your hands?" 

  "Y-You're always on my mind, babe... couldn't get the thought out of my head that it was you touching me, fucking those perfect, long fingers up into me." 

  "Where are your hands right now, princess?" He asked, and you were ashamed to admit that they were already stuck down the front of your pajama shorts, palm just barely ghosting over your heat. 

  "I-In my shorts." 

  "Good. Now, start to touch yourself." His command came out a little garbled like it was painful for him to talk. Like, he was already battling an oncoming orgasm as you were at that moment. 

 "Not unless you're doing the same thing." 

 At that, he let out a dark chuckle, and an image of him flashed across your mind - midnight black hair rumpled from a long day, eyes heavy-lidded, and a sardonic smirk pulling across his lips. "Oh, don't you worry about me, darling. I've been rutting into my hand since you first answered the phone tonight." 

  His confession left you quite dumbfounded, as you had had no idea. But how could you, since the two of you were miles apart? And besides, Jisung was good at downplaying shit. Downplaying his arousal when he needed to and masking his wants. 

  "Get that toy out, kitten," he commanded, thick tone cutting through your thoughts that were swarming with lust. "The one that I bought you for your birthday." 

  He meant the Rabbit. It was a vibrator that was famous, and after the two of you had watched a movie where the main girl had used it and sung its praises, he had decided to buy it for you as a surprise. It was big, and took some practice to get the hang of. But man, did it work. So much so, that you had to refrain from using it too much, otherwise you were afraid that you'd start to crave it more than your actual boyfriend. 

  Leaning over your bed, you reached into your nightstand, digging the large pink toy out from underneath a pile of junk. You grabbed the unflavored lube that you always kept there too. 

  "How wet are you?" He grunted, his voice shooting down your ear and pooling in your core. The way that it danced around the room from being on speakerphone did something odd to you. Made you go wild for it all.

  Dipping two fingers into your heat, you felt your essence there. "Fucking sopping, baby." Your thumb trailed up to your clit, toying with it in lazy circles. Imagining that it was Jisung touching you just so, you pressed your head into your pillow, whining out his name. "Fuck- I need you so bad." 

  "I know princess, I know... fuck, I'm just imaging you right now- pretty little cunt dripping with your sweet, sweet juices as I fuck my fingers up into you." His voice trailed off, as you delved into the feeling between your legs. Thrusting up slowly, your two fingers curled inside your walls, hitting that warm sweet spot and sending a burst of starlight across your closed eyes. "I want you to imagine that it's me right there- fingering you. Fuck yourself with the toy, baby girl, and imagine that it's me using it on you." 

  Without even realizing it, your hands were already moving, picking up the vibrator and centering it against your core. You peered down at it, a little bit of fear rising deep inside of you from the sight of the large girth. "It's so big, I-I don't know if-"

  "C'mon now kitten, you can take it," your boyfriend taunted in a playfully seductive way, making your cheeks bloom with a furious blush. "Your little pussy takes me all the time, and I'm much bigger." 

  With the help of his coaxing, you begin to slide the tip of the toy into you. Ever so slightly, with the help of the lube, it finally fits into your core just right. "Ngh- I've got it in." You gasped, your other hand that wasn't holding the toy traveling up to your chest, fingers playing with your tits, twisting and pulling on pert, sensitive nipples. "F-Feels so big, Ji." 

  "Good girl," he cooed darkly, and the praise went straight to your head. Made you feel all light and floaty, lighting a tiny flame of arousal inside of you. "Now turn on the vibrator." 

  You did as you were told, bracing yourself for the feeling of it all. And it hit you like a ton of bricks. The curved point of the toy hit deep inside of you, while the outside rabbit ears pressed against your swollen bundle of nerves. 

  "You gonna be a good girl and follow everything I say?" You could hear the muffled sound of him just beyond his voice. Of squelching juices, as he played with himself. As you imagined what he was doing at that moment - practiced hand tightening around his thick cock, squeezing up and down the length of himself while his thumb played with his red, swollen tip. 

  There was a pause on your end, as your thoughts tripped over themselves, heart rattling against your ribcage. Your wetness poured out of you and mixed with the lube, causing a messy scene between your legs, and coating the white sheets underneath you. 

"Always, Ji." You finally managed to answer in a choked groan, as you began to move the toy around, thrusting in and out shallowly. 

  Jisung's voice came out husky against your ears. Grating, even. It sounded like he was already close to the edge of release - since apparently, he had been edging himself for hours during your phone call. "Then turn up the vibrator to the highest setting, babydoll. I wanna hear you scream my name while you fuck yourself on it."  

🌾 taglist: want to be added onto my taglist? well then, comment below on this post/reblog it, and indicate your interest in my taglist and i'll add you... or, you can send me a msg and request to be added!! to be removed from the taglist, please send me a msg and i will promptly take you off of the list.

🌾 tags: @sleepyleeji :: @if-spearb :: @hyunes4ngel :: @drhsthl :: @seosalad :: @toomuchtellyneck :: @endzii23 :: @smally97 :: @ana-marais98 :: @sherryblossom :: @priincehoseok :: @biribarabiribbaem :: @linovely :: @lolqxv :: @linonyang :: @morningstardada :: @taeriffic :: @day6andetcetera :: @hyuka-luvbot :: @linohumina :: @urmomma0324 :: @poisonivy2 :: @nappynapnaps :: @bellamuerte1987 :: @julciaqwerty :: @abbiestearsricochet :: @leeknowsramen :: @maeleelee :: @cb97breathing :: @/leyknxw a yellow tag means that there was an error in tagging you.

[thevoiceofthepeople]

OOC Postings

I yam thinking of some ideas I want to do with Seda, mainly more plot focused ideas instead of just kinda bumbling about (Tho I love bumbling. Meandering, Loafing, Flopping, Fucking about is all good in my book. I love me some slice of life) 1) Spy: Spy Seda has been living in my head Rent Free for 10 years and I just have never pulled the trigger on it. Likely with her getting forced to spy against some pirates by the military, but also she could be spying on the military for the sake of a crew.

2) Treasure Hunt: Seda loves treasure hunting. It's history. It's fun. It's sexy.

3) Some form of battle scenario: Likely post battle THO, it would give me practice to work on my battle writing. It's arguably a weak spot for me.

4) Purely self indulgent, fake dating: Why? More reasons to put more spying in there. Please, I wish to make my gurl a spy. She'd look so cute in a cat suit.

5) Some form of maguffin hunt.: Less of a treasure hunt, more of a long form dealio where an item needs to be found or something bad will happen. I'm a big dnd nerdo so that's where that comes from. this one would have to be dnd style where someone takes the lead as the "DM' while the other person is more reactive. So that's a stretch on that idea.

That's all that's rattling around in the head. If anyone's interested in any, DM me. otherwise my messanger is always open for plotting. Or just chill slice of life rping. (I can not stress this enough, I love that.)

[tera-starstorm]

I'm not sure if this scenario would fit Hop Topic all that well, but a scenario that's been living rent free in my head is when a character is getting frustrated over their feelings over another person. Not because they hate this person, but rather they don't know what that feeling is. So they end up ranting to another person about it and they end up saying " but this isn't just someone. It's [insert crush]! I want to be with [insert crush]!" And it takes them a few minutes to realize what they said, and thus answered their own question. Again, not sure if this relates to Hop Topic, but it been on my mind and I need to share. I've honestly been applying that scenario to Alexis and Leon since there's a lot of emotional baggage that comes with that 😅.

oh my god yeah something similar Does in fact happen with them. not exactly the same... but similar! yasuta is the one trying to identify what that feeling is because hell if he knows! he's always just felt differently about hop compared to his other friends and thought it was normal for so long but like. oh he's my best friend this is completely normal right. it starts really confusing him around the gym challenge and especially after all the stuff w/ zacian and zama and their inherent connection.

hop knows how he feels about yasuta at this point he's been trying to figure out what to do about it. yasuta though? oh lord no. he has no idea. he is not good at verbalizing his emotions either and when he's in the hospital he ruminates on it a lot and tries to sort out those feelings. he usually talks to hop but for obvious reasons this is the one thing he won't ask him about. ziggy (who has long since been in the midst of their mutual pining) the one he's talking to and he's like "i don't uh. know. i feel differently about him. it's confusing. i thought it was normal. is it not normal" and she just. Looks at him. and he kinda pauses and is like "do i uh..." and ziggy, knowing what he's trying to convey, is like "congrats you're the last person to figure it out" and he just kinda. gives her a slow nod like Yep. ok so that's something new about myself that i just learned

it probably doesn't help that the media's always trying to project their ideas of him dating one of his female friends after a certain point and that. without a doubt confuses him like. he sits there like "ok so what the fuck is romance. why is this being projected onto me. i do not get it" he KNOWS he doesn't feel that way about them but isn't sure what constitutes those feelings and is baffled as to why the idea is being projected onto him at all. he doesn't let it create a rift between himself those friends it just confuses the hell out of him

[hereticpriest]

Powdered Sugar Chapter 2

Warnings: Kinda nsfw I guess? Nothing actually happens, it’s just thoughts and not super descriptive. Descriptions of domestic violence. Reference to past rape.

Duncan changes before going over to Margaery’s for dinner, though he can’t necessarily nail down the reason why. He puts on a black sweater he hasn’t worn yet and a pair of trim black pants, fixes his hair, and grabs his bottle of retirement whiskey in case Minnie feels like indulging. With such a short walk between houses, he can’t imagine why not. He’s surprisingly fond of his new neighbour, which may have something to do with his instinct to protect kicking in, and perhaps something to do with the fact that he wants her. Both feelings often lived together, as did his insufferable interest in women far younger than him.

When he approaches Margaery’s cabin, he notices her through the window singing while her dog, Theo, dances around her feet and howls along with her. From what he can hear, her voice is beautiful, but scratchy with disuse. He heads to the door and knocks gently, listening to her hush the dog and call out that she’s coming. He hears a crash and almost instinctively opens the door but stops himself.

“Are you okay?” he shouts, and he hears muffled cursing before a response.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine, sorry, I just kicked my gun safe on accident.” Minnie says just before opening the door hunched over with her left foot crossed over her right knee, her hand squeezing her toes. She smiles wryly at him, adjusting her cozy socks, “Sorry, I was going to wear normal socks, but the floor is cold unless you’re by the fire.”

Duncan simply nods, stepping past her into the house when she moves aside for him. He removes his shoes and holds up the bottle he’d brought, smile tugging at his lips when she cheers. The house smells amazing, and he finds himself drawn towards her kitchen. She’s dressed comfortably in a pair of black leggings and a navy sweater dress with pockets in the front, a metal lighter in one pocket and a pack of cigarettes in the other. He likes it. He’s used to his flashy world of bright colours and women dressed in tiny clothes. It is surprisingly sexy to see a woman dressed comfortably. Is this what happens when you retire? You get old and suddenly cozy socks and leggings are sexier than miniskirts and backless dresses?

Minnie smiles as she watches Duncan breathe in the smell of their dinner, Theo hot on his heels for pets. When he bends down to pet the dog, she eyes him appreciatively for a moment before heading over to check the lasagna.

“Hey, Duncan? Can you set the table while I finish the salad? Don’t worry, it’s not a boring salad. I put some effort into it actually being worth eating.” Minnie laughs to herself, slicing grapes into halves with practiced ease. She feeds a couple of slices of apple to Theo as she goes, listening to the gentle sounds of clinking as Duncan puts down plates and cutlery.

“Thank you.” Minnie’s voice is low, almost a purr. She finds it comforting that Duncan is so quiet. He fits into the comfortable hum of her cabin, the only sounds usually the crackling of her fireplace, Theo panting, and the occasional record on her old record player. She sometimes sings, but that is a recent development. She hasn’t felt comfortable or happy enough to sing in a long, long time.

“Are you a hunter?” Duncan asks, his voice quiet and rumbly, and she can’t help the shiver that runs down her spine.

“Oh, no. I mean, I can… I know how. My dad was a hunter. They’re for… self defense.” Minnie swallows around the lump in her throat, “I should… actually tell you this. As my neighbour. I just… I just don’t w-wanna ruin the mood before we eat.”

“It won’t.” Duncan replies simply, opening the bottle of whiskey and picking up the two glasses she had laid out. He pours them both two fingers and slides the glass across the island to her.

“Thank you. Uhm, I… I moved out here for a reason. I was dating a guy and it… I mean, it was the typical abuse story, you know? He was nice and then he began verbally abusing me, and then gaslighting me, and then punching my teeth in. Then, he’d soothe me and apology and say it was never going to happen again. Eventually, after he got drunk one night and raped me when I refused him, I broke out of things and decided to leave. He duct-taped my mouth, tied me up in the basement and kept me there for a week before I managed to get free. He raped me while he had me down there, but he didn’t hit me. I was tied up, so he didn’t feel the need, I guess. The police were fucking useless, as there were no reports of abuse and no evidence of him holding me hostage. He beat the shit out of me again, but a neighbour got me out while he was sleeping and brought me to a women’s shelter. Lived there for a while, got better, got an apartment. Got Theo. And then he found me.” Minnie isn’t looking at him, but she can feel his eyes on her. Theo lays at her feet, comforting her with his presence.

“I got away again, packed up all my shit, and found this cabin. I had been training with my gun since I got away from him the first time. It’s been… Nearly a year, actually, since I left him. Hard to believe.” Minnie licked her lower lip, finally looking up at Duncan. He looked murderous, but she wasn’t afraid of him in that moment, oddly enough. She felt safe, surprisingly.

“What does he look like? And his name.” Duncan asks, and Minnie finds a picture on her phone for him. He looks around Minnie’s age, broad chested and shouldered, maybe the same height as Duncan. His hair is brown, cut short military style, and his eyes are a cold blue.

“His name is Cody Grant.” Minnie informs him quietly, setting the salad on the table and taking the lasagna out to rest and cool before they eat. Duncan sits after she gently touches his shoulder, the contact drawing him out of the dozen imaginary murder scenarios going on in his head. They eat in relative silence, both being quite quiet people in general even without the emotional story. Minnie serves the lasagna when they finish their salad, with Duncan giving soft praise of the salad for being a good mix of vegetables and fruits that actually tasted good instead of tasting like bland lettuce. The lasagna goes down with the same silence followed by quiet appreciation, and the two down the rest of their whiskey nearly in unison.

“Dinner was nice.” Duncan says as he leads Minnie out onto the porch to smoke. Minnie smiles in return, putting her hand over his when he begins to take a cigarette of his own out.

“We can share, Duncan. I don’t know if I want a whole one right now.” Minnie hums, flicking open her lighter and lighting one of her own. She takes a long drag off of it, then hands it over to Duncan, shivering as a gust of wind bit through her clothes. A warm jacket is placed around her shoulders, and she sighs contently, bumping her hip against Duncan’s.

“Thank you, cher.” Minnie hums, taking the cigarette from his lips and taking another deep pull from it. She can feel Duncan’s eyes boring into her, but she doesn’t feel scared. Another puff, and she lifts the cigarette to Duncan, her fingertips brushing his lips as she slid the cigarette between them. It almost felt like he was leaning in to the touch.

“D-do you w-wanna stay for a movie? Uhm… uh unless you’ve got plans, of course?” Minnie hesitated, but Duncan merely nodded.

“I was just going to watch one at home. Company would be better.” Duncan replies, taking a puff from his cigarette, then stubbing it out and walking back into the cabin with her. They watch a romantic comedy together, tucked onto her little sofa together. It surprises her how quickly she finds herself comfortable with Duncan, but he is just a very easy person to be around. Theo lays at their feet, dozing away in the light and heat of the fire. Minnie falls asleep just before the credits, curled up against Duncan’s side. Duncan joins her moments later, the warmth of a body against his lulling him to sleep.

When Minnie wakes, Duncan is gone. His jacket is still draped around her, and she’s tucked under a blanket. The fire has been fueled again so that it wouldn’t die on her, and Theo has only moved a couple of feet through the night. She sighs, surprised to have slept without nightmares, and stretches until a series of pops in her joints break the silence. She makes breakfast, letting out Theo partway through cooking when he wakes up to the smell of bacon. In a particularly good mood, Minnie decides to go into town after breakfast to return her DVDs and perhaps rent a couple more. Her day is dull, but she sees Duncan when he goes outside to smoke, and she waves at him from her own porch, a smile tugging at her lips.

They spend the next couple of days together in one way or another. On Monday, Duncan goes out to chop wood while Minnie is out for a run, and by the time she returns, he’s lost his sweater and his undershirt. She watches for a moment, feeling somehow like she’s seeing something she shouldn’t be seeing, especially when she notices his vast collection of scars. She had noticed the first time she had seen him shirtless, but this was a longer view, and she wasn’t nearly as shocked. When Duncan notices her, he gives a little wave, so she approaches and tries to look at anything but his chest. He’s got a lovely coat of fur on his chest and belly, and she has an awful itch to see how thick it is around his dick. The thought of which immediately has her blushing, taking a not-so-subtle look at his crotch, and stammering about needing to check something at her house. Duncan watches her go, partly because he’s questioning what the hell just happened, and partly because she’s wearing yoga pants that hug her ass so tightly it looks like they’re painted on.

Tuesday, Minnie brings Duncan some croissants and muffins, claiming they are extras from the batches she made and that she’ll never be able to eat them all on her own. Duncan does not complain and is very pleased when the sight of him in his reading glasses has her blushing and stammering again on her way out.

Wednesday, they meet in town for lunch at the local diner and then have dinner at Duncan’s cabin, where they once again drink too much and fall asleep watching a movie. Minnie wakes from a nightmare to Duncan holding her against him, petting her hair and shushing her. She takes advantage of the moment to snuggle in close, enjoying the gentle human contact after so long without. Duncan lulls her to relaxation again, then carries her back to her cabin and tucks her into bed. He lets Theo out for her, then puts him back in the house and heads home to find rest for himself again.

Thursday, his accountant calls to arrange an appointment to look into some issues with his other properties, and he agrees to a meeting on Monday. He spends most of the day trying to decide whether or not it is a good idea to ask his neighbour to go with him. He waits until after dinner, knocking at her cabin door and asking if she minds company. He’s brought a book, and she understands his intentions, so they end up sitting on the couch together with quiet piano music in the background. Her feet are under his thigh, and he occasionally takes a break from reading to rub her ankles and calves when his eyes get sore. It feels right, and good, and neither of them say it, but they both wonder if there’s such a thing as ‘meant to be’. Duncan doesn’t ask her about Seattle until he’s about to leave, and he’s shocked when Minnie agrees to spend Saturday to Tuesday with him. She doesn’t complain when he says he’ll pay for Theo to be boarded, and for her flight, and for the hotel. Minnie just thanks him sweetly and presses a kiss to his stubbly cheek.

Friday, Duncan arranges the trip. He shells out, because he can and because he wants a little bite of what his life used to be. He wants to make Minnie feel special, part of him hoping his actions can speak louder than his words since he can’t seem to find the right ones to tell Minnie how he feels. They’ve known each other less than a month, but he feels at home with her, and his retirement is beginning to feel quite good. He checks in with Minnie in the afternoon to find her packed and cheery, cupcakes littering every counter and her table. She gives him one, and when he gets icing in his moustache, she wipes it away with her thumb, then leans in to kiss away another smudge of icing on the corner of his lips. He melts into it, tilting his head and kissing her as if she were as delicate as a butterfly wing. Minnie feels safe, and warm, and home. Once the kiss is broken, she presses her forehead to his and brushes her nose against his with a smile.

Duncan thinks for a moment that maybe this is what peace feels like.

[andrewdundundun]

This post has Russian Doll spoilers. so don’t read it if you intend to watch it [which you should, it’s really good.]

Let me start by saying this is not a suicide note. I do not intend to kill myself right now or anytime in the near future. But shit is it fucking tiring thinking about it all the god damn time...

Okay, I’m just getting these thoughts out and.. I don’t know I guess they need to be in a public setting, but still private adjacent? Is it because I actually want people to read this? I feel like NO I definitely don’t, because it can be worrisome, yeah. But if that’s the case, why am I posting it? 

I don’t know. But here we are.

So, I’ve been suicidal for the better part of 22 years, give or take. When I was 5 or 6 living at my grandma’s house, I was so upset over something that I decided I was going to climb the fence in her back yard and let myself be eaten by the  alligators in the retention pond back there. I don’t remember why I was so upset, but I was crying and screaming and howling, I just remember moving through all those tears out the back sliding glass door, and pulling myself up the red wooden fence to my decided fate.

I think my grandma pulled me off, or something? Next memory, I’m wailing on the floor in the living room. Point being, it’s actually been a very, very long time. I’ve never willingly tried to hurt myself-- I don’t like pain-- I just... wanna die. Pretty often. Not all the time, but pretty often. Y’all it’s really been two decades, I thought I’d like Grow Out of It TM or something, but the older I get, the more clear it becomes that all of this is just like the same shit it’s been forever. Years ago I kinda came to terms with the fact that I’d probably just give in one day, years later when I’d finally accepted that all my PotentialTM had finally turned into wasted, stifled energy and I had nothing to offer, and I wasn’t EnoughTM for myself anymore, but watching it dry up? From inside the cockpit? 

Its not only saddening, it’s also boring and tiring. Embarrassing. I think I’ve lost my train of thought. I’ve been suicidal for a very long time now. It makes me tired. I just watched Russian Doll-- this netflix series, it’s very good-- aaand finished it tonight but it hit way way too close to home because one of the protagonists decides to kill himself-- TWICE, even-- and the whole show just made me look at mortality and also slipped into this weird fake theory I have about life and alternate time lines (basically, you’re living your life, and then something kills you, but right before you die, your consciousness shifts realities seamlessly so it [re: you] can experience your best case scenario... effectively) and I gotta say... this is looking like a dark timeline.

I’m just this literal child in the body of a man-- which I forget often that I’m literally 6 feet tall and 180 almost 200 pounds-- and I feel like nothing and have felt worthless the vast majority of my life. Like, I know other people feel similarly, but it clearly isn’t the same because people still do things. And I live in my friend’s apartment, effectively rent free [re: freeloading], barista at a coffee shop and like... “have plans to move places and do things” which idk it feels like bull shit. 

I got off point.. I don’t know that there is a point. I wanna kill myself, but I’m not going to. And watching Russian Doll made me confront that. Which like. I already do. So it was like feedback I guess. And it fucked me up more than normal and like I was vulnerable but emotionally constipated. 

Oh. Talking to people has never helped lol. But I’m stuck on this therapist kick like it’s gonna fucking do something. I went to a few psychologists when I was younger and oh my god my parents probably barely afford that and now that I’m thinking about it it was just me being brought to all these psych doctors and getting these tests and the tests said I was fine and the psych doctors said it was just my outlook on life?? Like what the fuck?? 

So good, I just unearthed the guilt of putting my parents through some shit, no wonder my relationship with my dad is like.. scant.. lol.. Jesus christ

The WORST part is that none of this is anything. Yes, Andrew, people’s pain is relative, and valid, but holy shit I’m typing this from a gifted macbook, in the second bedroom of my friend’s apartment, with a car my dad paid for in the back like a fucking teenager in my corner bed pushed against the fucking wall like... none of this feels like.. anything. 

And at the exact same time that I want to die, or end my own life, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of death-- I don’t like pain or discomfort-- and I don’t want to know what happens next, it’s all terrifying. 

It’s these same thoughts-- minus the weird epiphany about straining my parents-- that fly around my head all day. Some days louder, some softer. 

I’m thankful for my friends, and their love, and the kindness, and for how fortunate I am, but god damn it...