#this just fuckinf sucks
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living in one of the worst states for reproductive health AND having vaginal health issues, unrelated to pregnancy, is one of the scariest things
#there's barely any ob-gyns much less just gynecologists#this just fuckinf sucks#im gonna eat my hot pocket and watch barbie
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*uses this bitch as a little bookmark*
#jk i actually suck at reading i need to do it mor#the tiny#when was the last time i even drew kyle fuckinf Never#ten billion year ago#my art#traditional art#oc art#anthro art#furry art#this paper is actually so fucking tiny Just like a real#dj d-con
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sorry. we have Zero groceries. none. my mom is broke and i barely have enough to get me to and from work until i get paid again in 2 weeks, if i even have that. can anyone help out with like $100 or $150 or. man fucking anything. im sorry i have to keep asking but life is getting worse here and this isnt even touching the bills
pp
#txt#i barely have hours and its a $15 uber one way to work#my dad and i got into a fight today too so i cant rely on him for rides anymore at all. like everything just fuckinf sucks
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no matter how hard i try, i cannot understand vape culture and the way young people have gotten sucked into the vices of their elders...... it's the same damn things their parents and their parents parents have in a different form. like that's insane to me.
#like how is smoking. cool. how is the feeling of it cool.#dhjsjdd i get the AESTHETIC w a fuckinf CIGARETTE holds a certain vibe but#these lil fucking plastic boxes ur taking puffs out of ljke yeah thats actually lame af like how are u getting into this#as a TEENAGER#like its diff from a dab pen or smth that gets u actually high like.#nicotine vapor??#what is the APPEAL i jsut dont understbsndndndn#giving urself addictions of ur own free will is cool ig#not to sound insane here but lmfao i grew up around smokers and i want nothing to do w that in my own space#hard to turn around n watch ur idiot siblings immediatelyjrje sucked into the same shit#and i DO understand it as a method to try to quit cigarettes. it feels like what smth like that was designed for#but not its just its own beast amongst young ppl and its so. terminally lame to mefhjf
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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Tough day rambles
In a world with a different setting id be a prophet or a person with cool visions, id be a person worthy of protection and trust and friendship. Here im just paranoid and i worry about the wrong things. Somewhere else when i dance on my way to a shop everyone thinks im full of joy and whimsy and they dont think im drunk or childish. Somewhere else i can be around people for more than 5 hours before i shut down for the rest of the day. Somewhere else i dont remind everyone im stupid and dumb and i dont describe everything i do and feel as "slight" and "little" and "a bit", im able to love romantically and dream of tenderness and give it and recieve it. Idk i just hate myself a lot.
#period moment#im unable of feeling any positive emotion currently#but its true i am worthless#i always promise myself i wont enter new fandoms because in the end theyre just reminders of how ill never be cool and enough etc#i wish i had a confirmation that im not that bad#old man journalist who came to our uni said oooh i thought you were american with your accent and how much u use the word 'like'#i told him my vocabulary is just really really bad and he laughed but yeah omg what a way to tell me im dumb#and also guy from class texting me transphobic pro trump stuff just cause he wants me to give him arguments against what he says#why#just why#and im bad at german#and i havent started writing my article even tho i have over a month to do it#and i dont understand in between wars economics in germany#and i cant write my coalecroux and theres no point of continuing there are much better writers#everything i do is wrong and i dont understand what i should understand#disgusting uh i feel disgusting#my mom told me that her boyfriend got a “beautiful” christmas gift for me#dude why WHY would you buy me things that can be described as beautiful#i hate christmas#i just want to be somewhere else in a different world#i want to be in avantris i want to use magic i dont want to be human#i wish i was older because maybe when youre like 27 your opinions and feelings matter#but im over here rocking back and forth and sucking on a necklace like a fucking baby watching wizard of oz#how do you stop hating yourself i dont get it#i dont fuckinf understand anything#everything is clouded with my desire to be dead or somewhere else and its been like this for a decade i just want it to stop#goodnight i hope i dont fucking wake up i hope my cat scratches my stomach open and eats my body so im useful for something
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sorry guys, i was hoping to get a oneshot out on friday, (my birthday), but i'm swamped with work. i also intended to write a thing for the halloween contest, but. like. i forgor 💀
like, i have 3 tests on thursday, itself, none of which i've started studying for. i have a presentation tomorrow, and i suck ass at public speaking . and to top it off, i'm constantly tired and sleepy, which, paired with my naturally panicky disposition is Not Fun (its like. being exhausted but being on high alert. but you don't know what ur on high alert for)
i know u guys expect more from me (i've barely begun drafting the last arc of the cop au 😭), and i'm trying, but life's just been so stressful that i have no time to write anymore (the only times i get are during cab rides to and from classes and school, and late night, when i'm half asleep)
again, i'm sorry, but, in about two weeks, my diwali vacations start, so my load will (hopefully) lighten, and i'll be back!
#personal post#SORRY!! these sound like excuses#but im just so fuckinf tired all the time#9th grade fucking sucks
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Breaking out in HIVES because of all this stress AAUGHHG what the hell
#GOD.#i hate today#roday fuckinf sucks#LIKE I HATE VENTING BHT OHHH MY GOD BRO EHGB.#also accidentally stressed out all my friends .i was all aaughgg and then just didmt respond to them oops
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I have these subject ocs from 2019/2020 that i wanna redesign bcz I actually find some of their concepts p cool 😭😭
#joe moment#i.e one of them has like . some kind of plant adaptation#basically they have whole ass tree that punctures and roots from their stomach#and many more wild characters#i rly need to do them justice in 2024 tho my old art fuckinf sucks#I have this fictional corporation with just. scp-like experiments in it#my friends and bf have their own branches of said company in their own worlds LOL#it’s a lot to explain but at the same time I feel that some info would be outdated by 4/3 years
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wish people would stop saying cosplay is banned in florida
#the florida anti-drag law and cosplay discourse is just full if misinformation#along with folks doing the fascists jobs for them#like fuck the law didn’t even really ban drag#like’s it’s so vague on purpose but also technically that stuff is still legal#the problem is the gop wants everyone to equate drag with burlesque#anyway the law goes after venues for KNOWINGLY allowing children into adult live performances#but then they have really vague definitions for what constitutes adult#which is clearly on purpose and to be used in evil ways#but also that’s probably why it’ll end up shot down#anyways the discourse ignores actual queer people in florida in favor of internet points so that sucks#and it’s causing panic and self-censorship which is frankly what desatan fuckinf wants
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My coworker has been so rude to me the past few days
#on Tuesday he completely ignored me#like that was just fuckinf rude#he’s acknowledging me today but barely#it’s very much civil#and not entertaining me#i turned to complain to him about a client which I normally do#and he was just like yeah that sucks#with nothing else#which is so odd#yeah he’s being so rude n weird so fuckinf annoying#it’s not that his presence is that much to me but it’s just fuckinf rude#also not to project the trauma#but it just reminds me of how my dad would just straight up ignore me if he was mad at me#and sometimes you don’t even know what he’s mad about#you just get ignored for nothing#and you have to guess what you did wrong and walk on eggshells and eventually apologise#it’s fucking ridiculous#rambles
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ooooohh……. surely a quick lil nap before spock time couldnt hurt……..
#was gonna watch a movie with my sister but she changed her mind -_-#and i didnt get a nap today and ive been walking in a fuckinf MALL and carried my spoiled diva of a sisters shopping bags and stuff#it sucked so bad. but anyway because of all that im tired so -_- just a quick nap Itll be fine
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"I don't have a disability I can work full-time no problem! I just get increasingly suicidal but i can do stuff physically" that means you can't fucking work full-time you fucking idiot
#personali posti#this is to myself ive been struggling with this and im still not sure if i just need to suck it up or what#im still gonna be lowkey suicidal anyway so like...... idk#but also i dont wanna kill myself over a job .... but also i dont feel like im ever gonna get a disability so i should just give up#i want to fuckinf bite my head off#ask to tag
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HELP I HAVE TO SEND A VIDEO TO MY SL OF ME PRACTICING BUT I SOUND LIKE SHIT IN EVERY RECORDING should i send it in anyway
edit: i decided im gonna sing a different part that wont make my mic peak so fucking terribly
#ITS SO FUCKINF BAF#I SOUND SO NERVOUS#MY VIBRATO SUCKS SO BAD#THE MIC KEEPS PEAKING AAAHHGUJGHBBGHGB B B ...................#id dm it to one of u and ask if its good to turn in but 1) my pride cant take that and 2) idk if ur ready for the juno voice#just arent there yet ytYGREUYGT54RE987GYT5
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This reminds me of some primary school bullies who in all seriousness accused me of having stolen a fucking wheelbarrow from the community garden. My facial expression was apparently making the lie obvious. But the truth is, I was trying hard not to choke on laughter because the situation was so absurd and sad, and I just often laugh uncontrollably when I’m terror stricken. I have no freaking clue what happened to the wheelbarrow.
self-proclaimed body language "experts" are so frustratingly hilarious because they seem incapable of understanding that people can lie to you
#it was a bad time I guess#I just can’t with this pointless aggression that people seem to be pulling from their asses#no wonder there’s war. this will never end.#I am autistic for realising I can’t just read other people and being humbled by reality. Whilst some ntps dicking around in world politics..#…suck just as bad and they don’t even notice how horrendously wrong they are in their conclusions. and then they drop a fuckinf atomic bomb#…because of some silly misunderstanding. we’re going extinct and we deserve it O my God How we deserve it!!😒🤩
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FUCK ive got testing again tommorow and wednesday
#placement testing sucks ass cause they only focus on your fuckinf growth percentage rate or whatever the hell and im like so high up that#my percents like barely anything and they predict im gonna get worse at testing because my scores r too high. fuck everything#god i wish it was legal for me to just graduate already i hate this shit#but nooo im not old enough or whatever. blugh#yknow its funny i get like freakishly good grades schools super easy and yet my plans for the future are dont do college and instead pursue#art. which js like the most useless thing i could do. god#anyways yayyy time to finish my tests in like 40 minutes and then just sit and do nothing for the next two hours. two days in a row. 🎉🎉#jello shut up challenge
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