#this isn't like a vent post. it's just me being introspective

[milfronin]

I think I may be hard of hearing to a degree.

[vasito-de-leche]

;NSR DJSS - General Headcanons

Compilation of headcanons and analysis about DJ Subatomic Supernova and other related things.

I got an ask asking for DJSS' love languages (don't worry! working on it!) but then it hit me that I don't think enough about DJSS to talk about love languages right away, so I'm getting this out of my system to try and fleshen out the way I write him!

this might be, a BIT TOO LONG BC I GOT CARRIED AWAY RIGHT FROM THE START BC EVE WAS INVOLVED AND I LOVE HER

The most healthy and solid friendship DJSS has is with Eve.

Eve's post is still fresh on my mind, so it got me thinking about how DJSS and Eve are very similar - like, two sides of the same coin, or two opposites in the same spectrum. But before I get carried away, let's talk about DJSS.

Out of all megastars within NSR, DJSS is very clearly the one with the least amount of connections to other characters, at least in the way he's presented in-game. Like, all of them are connected to NSR and Tatiana because they work for her, that's obvious - but the Sayu Gang have each other, Yinu has her parents, Neon J has 1010, Eve and DK West both have Zuke and Tatiana/NSR respectively. Tatiana has Kliff, the Goolings and Mayday.

DJSS is just. There?

Maybe it's because he's the tutorial boss, but very similarly to Eve, themes of loneliness and not being appreciated enough or understood are prominent in his background. The casettes literally show him spiraling from an underappreciated but very passionate teacher to a very influential but egocentric megastar.

There's just something about how DJSS and Eve share loneliness as a theme. And how both of them also fully embody their work, becoming a personification of their craft and passions so that their self-worth and identity is DIRECTLY tied to how said passions are received and perceived. To others, music and art are simply an extension of themselves, an important part of their lives, not the whole of it. But DJSS and Eve? You can't separate them from their work. Again, the Sayu Gang are a bunch of teens bonding over a shared interest. Yinu is a megastar BECAUSE of her family, not by CHOICE, she plays the piano FOR her deceased father. Neon J is, first and foremost, a war veteran and protector of Vinyl City before he is a musician, even if dancing and music are his passions.

There is also something to be said about how their respective journeys are opposites of each other yet end the same way. They've gotten what they've wanted, but they're stagnant and unfulfilled.

We see DJSS starting as a starry-eyed teacher, thanking the THREE students AND A JANITOR who came to his lessons because he's grateful for anyone who will listen to him. He's using his passion and work to teach others and expand their minds and whatever other cool one-liners he says in his videos and cutscenes. This directly mirrors Eve, who starts as a self-loathing, deeply insecure artist who uses art as a way to cope and vent. (If you read my Eve post, throwback to the duality theme - outside and inside. DJSS is channeling his work to the world, to the outside. He's looking for people who understand him. Nadia is channeling her work to herself, to the inside. She's looking to understand herself.)

The middle part of their whole journey shows a moment of introspection and healing for both of them.

DJSS reconnects with his love for music and the reason he even became a teacher in the first place - not out of love for teaching (which is another point I wanna talk about later in this post) but for a genuine love and intrigue for the universe. After years of trying to get anyone to listen, he finally remembers how it feels to look up at the sky. He finds a way to merge both music and space as a means to further his goal.

Eve heals because she believes she's found someone who can complete her, someone who isn't herself but who can understand and see her just as good. She doesn't hide her pink side, she doesn't hide her face with her hair, she is shown to be very, very lively, excited and intense. This is the moment she realizes she can be understood and loved, all the things she saw as impossible before meeting Zuke. Her art reflects this, she can now focus on something other than hating herself.

(It's very important to me that we remember her heart piece with Zuke is made out of recycled bottles. Both DJSS and Eve were shown to have this thing for helping others - DJSS through teaching and Eve through art.)

And then, their last collectible shows them at their worst.

DJSS has finally managed to be influential enough to have thousands of people actually pay attention to what he's saying. And he explicitly says that, even though he's gotten this far, he feels empty. And he feels empty because all of his work will disappear, because he will be forgotten in a few generations. And we see how music has replaced his love for the universe, it's a subtle shift in which DJSS goes from wanting to learn and teach others about something he's deeply passionate about from wanting his music and hard work to live on forever through space.

There's a metaphor somewhere in there about DJSS' legacy being not his work as a teacher, astrophycisist or even a pillar of the EDM movement - but a few of his songs. Attached to an NSR satellite. Going through the empty void of space.

And then there's Nadia, all alone again. Because she's gotten so comfortable with the idea of being understood, that she expected Zuke to see everything the same way she did, and therefore setting his hair on fire wouldn't be that big of an issue. And this is her worst fear, but it doesn't hurt as much as she thought it would - because she's expected this to happen at some point, even when she was at her happiest with Zuke.

I want to draw a line between this moment and the way their loneliness permeates in their words and actions - DJSS who has tried for years to reach out to like-minded people, finally has an audience that respects him, he still feels unfulfilled and empty. And he further distances himself from everything by setting his sights and his legacy on THE COLD VACUUM OF SPACE. Eve, who has always believed she would end up alone, IS NOW ALONE AND ABANDONED (from her perspective anyways, since it would be unfair to say Zuke was a horrible monster for leaving a relationship this complex) and yet she doubles down on finding someone like her.

DJSS states that no one is able to think like him, no one within NSR shares his ambition nor vision - he's resigned. Eve states that she will bring everyone to her level one way or another - she's desperate. Two sides of the same coin. Two extreme opposites in the same spectrum.

It all boils down to believing that somewhere out there, whether in Vinyl City or the universe, there's someone who can really appreciate them.

The two conceal a sense of inferiority, the difference being that Eve's comes from a place of pure, genuine hatred for herself (if her work can't be understood, she can't be understood. if her work can't be appreciated, she can't be appreciated) and DJSS' comes from a place of blind confidence in his own potential and ideas (if his work cannot be understood, it's because no one has the ability to understand it. if his work cannot be appreciated, it's because no one is sensible enough to appreciate it).

There is also something about how, at their worst and/or when they feel threatened, they seem to switch?

This is most notable in Eve's boss fight, in which she acts condescending and dismissive to both Mayday and Zuke - saying all the things she knows will hurt just for the sake of hurting Zuke. She establishes her superiority over those who can't understand her, similar to how DJSS treats B2J initially. And in DJSS' case, hints of this reversal can be heard in his casettes, already explained above. He somewhat resembles Eve during her final section, a resigned and numb acceptance to being alone.

I think these two would be friends because they would be able to recognize their similarities - not openly address them, mind you, that's too much for either of them to handle - but enough to just chill with each other. There is an underlying feeling of understanding between them, even if all they do is hang out to do superficial things, gossip or rant about work.

And I like to think they're both fine with this arrangement, because sometimes people need relationships that aren't mentally or emotionally exhausting or intense! Sometimes you just need a buddy who shares a similar trauma that neither of you will address and who wants to go bitch about Stacy from HR! It's an unlikely friendship that surprises everyone, but once they stop to think about it, it just makes sense for them to click - at least with the façades they present to the world.

No matter how hard he tries to rebrand, DJSS knows that he'll always be a teacher at heart. Not necessarily a good one, but a teacher anyway.

TOOK ME FUCKING YEARS TO GET TO THIS POINT BUT ANYWAY.

I really like that one post I saw through the NSR tag about how DJSS makes sense as the tutorial boss because he used to be a teacher, we can assume that there was a time in his life where he loved to teach and shape the minds of the future generations. It's a little meta connection that makes sense to me!

And I like to think that this is something that DJSS can't ever get rid of - the need to just teach. It can come across as DJSS not being able to shut his mouth when it comes to telling people why they're wrong and why he's right, but at the end of the day, he's still trying to clarify misconceptions and teach others new things. It just happens through layers and layers of his condescending attitude.

Of course, this also doesn't apply to just teaching, it applies to learning as well.

DJSS strikes me as someone curious and very driven, instead of asking others why, he sets out to find out answers himself - either because it's easier and faster, because he has something to prove, because of he's so full of autism and hyperfixates easily or whatever other reasoning you like the most.

I like the idea of a DJSS who knows his worth and knows he shouldn't bother trying to argue with people who clearly don't care about facts, logic and research, let alone putting the effort to learn or have an open mind - those simpletons who aren't worth his time - but still struggles with keeping his mouth shut.

During his boss fight, he immediately dismisses B2J because they're small fry, they're not even here for him, they're here for inconsequential reasons that he doesn't have time for. Why should he even entertain them? AND THEN HE DOES. HE GETS RILED UP AND JUST GOES ON TO TALK ABOUT HIS ENDEAVORS AND GOALS ANYWAY.

He REALLY reads as a guy who makes the funniest of jokes and can't help but explain them anyway - and he gets away with it most of the time.

Very organized, detail-oriented person, loves routine and to plan things beforehand. DJSS cannot stand spontaneous decisions and has a hard time adapting to sudden changes.

Sometimes it might be easy to forget that DJSS is most likely the smartest member of NSR as a whole, specifically because of the way he acts and presents himself typically - even if he makes a point of constantly reminding others of his intellect and academic achievements. But! Nothing escapes DJSS' keen vision.

Out of other members of NSR, Tatiana trusts DJSS the most to keep up with his responsibilities as charter and many other projects benefitial for the company, like the rocket launch! He's proven time and time again that he's more than competent to be left to his own devices. Even if he doesn't care much for the other megastars, he still shows up on time for meetings and speaks his mind on things that need addressing (that he considers worth addressing, at least), never pulling his punches when offering his opinion.

Literally that kind of annoying coworker that loves to nitpick and someone you don't get along with but who makes the best points and arguments ever.

I like to think this is reflected in his position in Vinyl City - he's the furthest away from the NSR Tower, because he requires little to no supersion at all. He's also closest to the heart of Vinyl City: Festival Plaza and the Grand Qwasa, maybe because he can absolutely take care of any problems that might arise with it.

Even if he's extremely dismissive, DJSS does remember the people he works with - mostly based on their skills and how useful they are, just so he can know who to send away and who to keep around. He doesn't remember your name, but he remembers that you're competent enough to do a quick check on his turntables or other equipment. That sort of thing.

DJSS likes when things go his way, the way he expects things to be, the way he planned them out to be. He thinks of every possible outcome and prepares for it, without going overboard as to hinder his progress. So he can live with someone on his team messing up the rocket launch procedure - because that was already something he expected that would happen, even if he throws a little fit about it. But he can't deal with suddenly being told that someone else will handle the rocket launch entirely - because that's just not a possibility in his mind.

I can see DJSS being a fan of to-do lists or spreadsheets to stay on top of his game. He doesn't need them, he remembers everything he needs to, but hey, it's a fun flex!

I also just remembered one of the interactable things in Cast Tech - a drone that Zuke comments on, saying:

 "It must have crashed from all the conflicting signals. DJ Subatomic Supernova really likes the idea of blasting his signal into space..."

Which makes me think that yes, DJSS is great at solving things, he's careful and meticulous, doing anything to ensure his success in whatever he sets out to do - but his tunnel vision makes him careless enough to overlook some of the most obvious things in the world. Like how blasting his own signal might disrupt every other drone in the city or mess with other machines.

And this whole point is totally not me subtly trying to write DJSS in a way that compliments the way I perceive Neon J because I think the ship is fun and their dynamic is even funnier, absoluTELY NOT LETS MOVE ON

Cast Tech is the most academic district in Vinyl City. Basically paradise for nerds.

The same way Eve supports the arts in Dream Fever by having a lot of galleries and art studios, it makes sense that DJSS would support academic endeavors by having schools and other academic institutions, funding people's research and etc. It's another little thing that ties in with his background as a teacher.

In-game, Cast Tech is basically a short main road with two or three paths that lead to small areas. It's very lackluster compared to the rest of districts and I blame that on the way the game is structured, showing the boss first and then the district - plus the fact that DJSS is the tutorial boss so by proxy, he gets less content. But it's serviceable enough for the main plot in the game, which is to show us that NSR can be superficial, shallow and careless company.

And I'd like to argue that, maybe, the area Mayday and Zuke go through within Cast Tech, is not meant to be representative of the entire district. It feels more like an area meant for tourists or general NSR propaganda that ended up flopping massively because people weren't that interested?

DJSS is a megastar, sure, but he's not shown being that much of a public figure outside of advertisement. Compare him to any other member - Sayu and 1010's popularity rely on their fanbase, because they're public figures. Eve is an artist, we also see her dabble in all types of art, not just music, even fashion! Yinu is a literal child, but she's still in advertisements for healthy food and drinks.

Did you notice how Cast Tech and Club Planetarium are the only places that lack NPCs? Unique NPCs to be more exact, like Celine in Dream Fever, Mia in Festival Plaza, Yiruk in Metro Division, etc. People who most likely live there?

Once again, DJSS is an outlier. It makes sense to me that, even though this area has a statue of him and a store selling products based on him, literally just revolving around him, playing his advertisements and etc it's not... That important overall within his district. Even the Planetarium where he hosts concerts has a bunch of small stores outside, nothing grand. Even though it's HIS district, he's NOT the focus, ironically.

I would love to get into details about how the actual district works and what goes around, but I dropped out of my bachelor's degree and I don't know enough about science to get super in-depth about it! So anyone who DOES know or wants to develop this more, feel free!

[osamucide]

(joe gets kicked out of school for using) drugs with friends (but says this isn't a problem)

last friday, i took acid and mushrooms

i did not transcend

i felt like a walking piece of shit

in a stupid looking jacket

NSFW CONTENT - MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

wc: 2.4k

cw: gn!reader - no explicit anatomy mentioned, post-dark era, pre-entrance exam, port mafia!reader, past relationships/implied relationships, dazai-typical suicide mentions, manwhore dazai, explicit sexual content, drugs, references to drugs, drug use, talking and doing drugs, dazai is on drugs, dazai has tried every drug under the sun, just so many fucking drugs. don't do drugs please!

reid: installment 2/? of me using car seat headrest songs alongside dazai fic. ooc dazai probably but i like breaking him not sorry. this is not intended to romanticize substance abuse. addict dazai is a concept very close to my heart this is wholeheartedly me venting also all my fanfic is just so self indulgent. please for the love of god do not do drugs just send them to me thanks. can be read as a stand-alone or a part two to my previous fic drunk drivers/killer whales. you can find me on ao3 @angelzai. enjoy

. . . .ᐟ

“What have you been doing? Since you…”

Left. You falter but Osamu Dazai knows that’s what you mean to say. Since you left. That wouldn't have taken a fucking genius, though.

Well, he thinks, he could be totally honest right now. There's no one to hide from anymore, just himself. The fact that you're sitting with him has some old walls going up - the rather generic ones that go up with everyone - and he's hoping you won't take it personally if he does decide to lie. It would just be easy to. Familiar to.

He turns your voice over in his mind, imagines himself weighing it in his palms, and while the question hangs in the air suddenly he's in bed again with the wench of the week about a month or four back - one he bummed a cigarette off at some club during a routine bender and struck up a conversation with about the conceptualization of incomprehensible units of measurement, like lightyears. Dazai remembers that she took him home and let him snort ecstasy off the small of her back before he made out with her for what felt like six hours. She'd obviously wanted to fuck but he was still thinking, albeit warmly now, about lightyears and space and how awesome it would be to scale the side of a faraway terrestrial planet like an ibex - those cool mountain goats - and look off into a volume of nothing to observe the dilation of time with his tiny, filthy Earth eyes. Yeah, he wasn't getting any of that acute empathy he seemed to gain for other human beings when he was on E, so he asked for more. Her skin had felt like a flannel bed sheet and it almost hurt when she pulled away. He licked this dose off her tongue, per her discretion. It would've been hot if he hadn't imagined what it might feel like to lick a flannel sheet and almost gagged into her mouth. He said, "Sorry, I thought about if your tongue was a flannel sheet." She giggled and he giggled back. He kissed her more. She was so warm. He still couldn't get hard. He just kept thinking. He thought so much about lightyears and flannel sheets until he could barely discern the difference between them. He would've liked to have been wrapped up in either. The last time he had felt this introspective was when he was peaking on nitrous, but it was obvious he was still coming up. He started feeling sweaty and cold. He told himself that wasn't abnormal for ecstasy. He was trying to imagine she was a flannel bed sheet. He was sweating so bad. She was a flannel bed sheet and he was a lightyear and his skin was starting to feel like it was rising off his skeleton. He felt like he'd pissed his pants. He'd pushed her off and bolted for the bathroom. The fan in there was too loud. The manicured hand combing his hair back was burning his scalp. The toilet was kind of grimacing at him all smug-like. He didn't know what a lightyear was. He knew this was bad E. He vomited for an hour straight and meditated briefly on how horribly unsexy he felt before passing out. He woke up with an icepick headache and bummed another cigarette and apologized for pissing his pants on her bed (which he didn't actually do, but this was only clarified after he expressed he thought he had). He insisted that it wasn't her, she was beautiful, she was great, it was just the drugs, it was his own fault, but he still didn't give her his number. He just took the train as close as it went to his apartment, smelling like the very unsexy kind of sweat. Instead of showering, he had popped a Xan and went to bed. It was 3pm. And that was more or less what he had been doing since he left the Port Mafia.

While he recalls this, he makes some vague hand motions and opens his mouth a few times, not unlike a fish, as if he's about to speak but doesn't quite have the words yet. It's not that he doesn't want to tell you. You've been around long enough to have seen him and others high out of their minds plenty of times before. He knows you'd barely blame him for the wretched financial hole he has himself in now that Mori isn't around to sugar-daddy all his substances for him. It isn't remotely about the drugs.

It's about the fact that you found him in a bar in Numazu by total chance and paid his weeks-long tab before even asking him any questions about where he's been. He's not sure why you did that.

It's about the fact that you paid for the hotel room he's sitting cross-legged on the bed in, in front of you. He's considering how deep the crescents beneath your eyes look.

It's about the fact that you kissed him once when you both were sixteen and it convinced him that he'd never kiss anyone else ever again. But then he left, and in the year and a half since he's last seen you he's had more meaningless sex with more meaningless people than there were freckles across your whole body, which had, by the way, meant everything to him at one point.

"Not really..." Dazai shakes his head. "Anything at all."

You light a cigarette even though it's a non-smoking room. You'll be able to foot the bill.

"Come on," you say out of the corner of your mouth, puffing smoke in his face. "Not really anything at all?"

He doesn't ask, just takes the smoke from your lips to put it between his own. "Drugs," he summarizes truthfully. "Mostly coke. There's nothing like it. I swear it's better than H."

You quirk your mouth in semi-disapproval, taking back your cigarette. "You did always like your blow."

"Been exploring academia too, I suppose. I'm learning calculus right now." He's trying to make up for it. He doesn't need to.

Now you really look at him like he's on drugs. "For fun?" He nods, pleased with himself. "I thought you didn't like pain." You finally smile a little bit.

"It's interesting!" he insists with his signature drama. "God, can I just have my own?" He's gesturing to your pack, and you indulge him, lighting it off your own.

You look like you want to say something else, sucking your cigarette down like it's a race. Dazai studies you. Prompts you with nothing but his eyes, just like he always has, and you understand. It's your turn to look for the words.

"I mean... like... what- what," you make the vague hand motions too, "what are you doing, though? How- how are you... not..."

"Dead?" he finishes. "Yeah. I struck a cute little deal with the government."

He doesn't like how you lean back from him, even if it's slight, even if he expects it. He doesn't like how your eyes narrow and you look at him with something he can only place as distrust. You almost want to get up off the bed, but you stay, gazing into him. You're not flustered so easily by him anymore, and he has to notice. He does. And regardless, he knows exactly what you're thinking before you say it. "I didn't take you for a fed, Dazai." He knows about the gun in your jacket, too, and that you're at attention now. Your use of his last name stings.

"I didn't sell you out," he says, mocking offense, pushing himself up on those gangly limbs to cut a line of whatever's in the little plastic bag he pulls from his back pocket. "I didn't sell anyone out. Ango's a double agent. You have to know." You shrug - you'd be ashamed to admit you hadn't a clue - and your apprehension melts, but only a little. "My record's expunged as long as I clean up and sign on at the ADA in about six months."

You look at him incredulously, but he's busy at the desk. He could've left it at calculus.

"And this is your idea of cleaning up?" you ask.

The response you receieve is a long sniff. Dazai straightens out, huffs, pulls another drag off his cigarette.

If you were anyone else it would definitely be unwise of him to give such information to someone very much still on the inside. As high up as you had been alongside Dazai, knowledge of who had their fingers in what organizations was never for you to have. Your rank has only fallen since he left. You've developed a nose for people - you must after so long in the mafia - and Ango, who lays so low, especially after Sakunosuke's death, isn���t exactly at the top of your list until right now. You briefly wonder how much the boss knows. Mori surely would've killed Ango for orchestrating the freeing of his most precious pet. Mori surely has people after Dazai. As a matter of fact, he might have people after you already, not even an hour after you found the former prince of the underworld slumped over on a bar stool, because you never really know who’s watching. At the end of all that, though, your thoughts snag on whether that's something Ango could help anyone with, or if it was only for Dazai. No snitching would be involved. You don't think you're qualified to be a detective, but certainly there's some community service you could do to mop up after yourself, right?

Dazai seats himself in front of you again. The rest of this conversation does not happen verbally - not right away, at least. Whether it’s the coke or the accusatory tone your voice carried, he looks a little emptier than before. He looks an entire world away from you. You don’t say this aloud but he nods numbly like he hears you. You dimly recall a conversation you had with him years ago in which he told you he’d never done anything in his life that made him proud. That he didn’t really view himself as a person, but rather a machine designed toward destruction. Machines didn’t feel proud - didn’t feel anything, and no more or less when they executed their intended function.

You’re struck with the awareness that you still seem to know him so vividly, despite how much he’s obviously changed. The parts of this machine are shinier as if they’ve been cleaned. Although it grows old, it works like new, given its context. You recognize exactly what it’s doing. What he’s doing. And you think, maybe if you just throw your hand into the gears - even if it hurts you, even if it takes a piece of you off and mangles it - maybe you can get it to stop.

He, too, selfishly considers that you could be his way out. But is it really selfish if he can admit he'd drop it all if you asked him to? Flesh thrown against a monstrous man-made creation. Even though you seem to have stayed so very much the same, he doesn’t assume he knows you like he once did. But these could be the right circumstances. Maybe he just needs some flesh. Just needs somebody.

“You just need somebody.” Your head’s on the pillow, you twirl his hair, and that’s what you say to him after you both fuck like two virgins. You don’t mean to imply that somebody could be yourself, but for what it’s worth, that’s how he takes it. He can’t remember the last time sex made him cry, anyway, so it might as well be you.

“Just fucking leave.”

Your eyes snap open as the words leave him. Leave? Leave the room you paid for? That was rich, considering the kindness you’ve extended to him tonight after he abandoned you. Your throat constricts around the fact that not even ten minutes ago you were entangled with him in a way that felt both familiar and new. You would’ve proposed another round and let him clasp his hands around your neck like he used to. He’d always insist you’d beg him to stop one day, but you never did. Ten minutes ago you were ready to wipe away his bloody nose with your hair if he asked. Now he’s asking you to leave.

You sit up and throw your legs over the edge of the bed. Your eyes burn with tears and you’re about to get up, get dressed, maybe unload the remainder of the clip in your gun into his kneecaps - but he grabs your elbow.

“Leave the Port, idiot.” You look at him. Concern isn’t an emotion that graces Dazai’s features too often, and here it is. “That came out horribly. Plus, you’re so nice and warm. Get back here.”

So you do. You do what you do best when it comes to Dazai - you crawl back, disregarding how he’s hurt you. Hurt himself. And you just cry.

You cry because you’re so relieved you just misinterpreted him. You cry because he gives you whiplash so goddamn easily. You cry because you don’t have to give leaving a second thought. You cry because a year and a half ago he obviously wouldn’t have insisted you follow him. You cry because he’s so out of character and you almost think you like it. You cry because you like how warm he feels, too. You cry because he’s on drugs. He doesn’t cry because he already did while you made him cum, and now his pupils aren’t so blown, but with you against his chest he doesn’t feel like he needs to get up to do another bump, and that’s plenty for both of you. For all intents and purposes, the walls are all down now. Maybe he really needed to find you. You know you really needed to find him. It’s going to be difficult and dangerous and there’s more to be said, but at least you’ve found him.

You’re sniveling. He’s kissing your hair. “You can teach me calculus.”

Dazai recognizes the laugh that rumbles in his chest as one he hasn’t felt since he’d last seen you. “We’ll get ahold of Ango in the morning.”

[who-is-page]

Got some interesting asks last night; not gonna publish them as the person who sent me them asked me not to--they were a system who just wanted to vent out some frustrations and I respect that!--but the TL;DR summary is that they were frustrated that "syscourse" even at its theoretical best, even when all the people involved are 'pro-all systems' or label themselves 'endo-friendly spaces,' is something that's still often used as a cudgel to hurt others. And you know-- I'm honestly pretty damn inclined to agree. Syscoursers from a subcultural stance often can't separate themselves in diction and approach from its hyper-aggressive roots, and any attempt at discussion without meticulously unpacking that history falls flat. From a perspective more familiar to most of my followers, it would be like if therians ran around calling themselves "grillers" without disentangling the digital hazing history that went alongside the term and drove so many people away. It's a lack of introspection and an inability to reckon with the iron-spiked, saw-bladed foundations all the way down.

And seeing self-described syscoursers on one specific post essentially try to spin their unsuccessful, grayrocked attempt at confrontation and dogpiling as them being censored and silenced just proves this point to me further, since they're simultaneously claiming to at the same time be in favor of supporting discussion and education while having started off initially so aggressive and seemingly bad-faith. You can't set a bridge on fire and then howl fury when other people refuse to cross it, especially not when you've specifically positioned yourself in the scenario as an individual who intends to foster helpful conversations. You can't come in swinging and then complain that they started it and you only wanted to help! And if they hadn't positioned themselves in that way, jumping up on the pedestal to claim that they only want to have civil conversations and surely others who deny them that are censoring them and bad/wrong/etc WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY looking to be picking a fight rather than a genuine civil conversation, then this would be a different discussion to have-- but, well. I'd be lying if I said it didn't remind me of certain anti-otherkin tactics I'd seen in the past, with people batting their eyelashes and assuring otherkin that they weren't sealioning, it was all just innocent questions about such a stupid identity-- oh sorry, did they say stupid? They meant "interesting," teehee, don't mind them. They're just here to listen and be logical. """Logic""" which usually involves punching down in a way that isn't logical and is more just an excuse to be an asshole and tear into someone.

There's a reason I don't posit myself as someone who intends to always single-handedly foster perfectly civil, moderated, respectful discussions in my discourse posts in the same way, say, Rani (a-dragons-explanation) does. Because I know that when I get pissed, I bite! I'm cognizant of that fact, that I don't have perfect self-restraint and sometimes I come across way harsher than is necessary (even on occasions where harshness might theoretically be warranted, because deserved is not the same as necessary). And I am also aware that discourse is a separate animal from discussion, in the same way grilling is different from an AMA. Sure, they might be technically synonymous on a dictionary level, but in practice they are vastly different. And that applies here, too, even though I've seen syscoursers claiming that they are the exact same.

But this is getting away from me. -chinhands- I guess that I'm disappointed but ultimately not surprised that syscourse is fundamentally nonproductive, and that it too often devolves into dehumanizing others, either through outright arguments around personhood or just through preemptively making people out to be significantly more malicious than they actually are, because within the subculture due to a variety of factors, malice and cruelty is assumed to inherently be much more common than ignorance. And people are also much less forgiving of the latter, even if they claim otherwise. But seeing this happen has given me some perspective on things in the subcultures I frequent and in my own tendencies with some topics, and is making me rethink the ways I communicate with others and what the intended goals of those communications with larger audiences are versus how it can go off the rails, which I think is really helpful, even if it's coming inadvertently from such a noxious source.

[bookishjules]

2, 4 and 12? <3

2. what are some of the things that have made you who you are?

dude i'm too introspective for this shit.. um. yes. yeah. everything. [insert paragraph listing shit that i did write but decided to replace with..] one specific example though, was my 3rd-5th grade teacher (so i had her from ages 9-11) who learned early on that i was a perfectionist and took it upon herself to break that part of me. she would sit me in the hall alone with my final drafts of essays or whatever, which had to be in cursive, and give me the goal of timing myself by the minute and writing more words than i had in the previous minute. and that's just the quickest example i can recall.. i swear that woman made me cry multiple times but i will always appreciate her dedication to breaking as much of that piece of me as she could bc lord knows i wouldn't have survived otherwise

4. share a dark thought? (go on, vent a little)

i've been feeling a lot recently like i'm buried beneath concrete. like i'm stuck where i am in more ways than one. and i'm worried i'm never going to be able to escape again. it makes my skin itch and my brain go to dark places. i can't see any sort of exit hatch and tbh my trust that there's any light at the end of the tunnel has grown so thin..

12. something you want to monologue about?

the other day i overheard a man say to his daughter something about how guys don't have as close of friendships bc they're waiting for a girl to idk share life with or devote themselves to or whatever (i can't remember exactly) but it made me want to turn and deliver the longest argument for why that is an absolutely asinine take and why he shouldn't be cheerfully perpetuating the idea that men being vulnerable with each other idk isn't in their nature or whatever. so yeah. i would love to monologue about that, along with many other things i'm sure lol

ask game that past jules insisted i do, not knowing it would post from my queue two (2) days after the election when i didn't have much energy at all let alone that required to answer question 4

[rabbithaver]

uh. whoops. idk if this qualifies as a vent post or if it's just me being introspective but either way, it kinda got away from me so now i'm putting it beneath a read more.

usually, when it comes to strangers, i am pretty good at not giving a shit about whether or not i am annoying. it isn't something that bothers me as much as it used to.

what really gets me is feeling like i'm annoying to everyone i know personally. like eventually one day everyone in my life is gonna realize, "oh rabbit is actually really irritating, frustrating, and stupid" and leave. and i cant even deal with this anxiety by being like "that's ridiculous, it'll never happen" because. it has happened. many many many many times. it's happened dozens of times throughout my entire life, in fact, and it has permanently fucked with my ability to form bonds and relationships

so many of my interactions with people now involve me mentally wondering if that interaction will be the final straw, the thing that makes the other person realize, "why do i bother, again?"

because there is nothing about me that someone else doesn't already do better. someone out there is nicer. someone out there is funnier. someone out there is a better artist or writer. someone out there is better at socializing. someone out there has far less emotional baggage than i do.

someone else will always be better than me at everything i am good at and at that point it's like... why even keep me around? i'm not worth the trouble. i'm not worth the annoyance. there is genuinely nothing special or unique about me; people can always get what they come to me for somewhere else that's far less frustrating and pathetic.

so many people have either left or hurt me or both that it colors every conversation i have and every social action i take. it leads to me pushing people away or clinging too hard. it leads to me predicting based on past toxic interactions that something bad will happen in an otherwise healthy friendship. it leads to me misinterpreting signals in the worst way because i want to be prepared for things going wrong.

because they always, always go wrong. and in an effort to deal with that, i became a massive people-pleaser.

i struggle to deal with simple, casual differences of opinion because i am so used to people using those disagreements as a blunt weapon. i am so used to having someone decide i wasn't "normal enough" to be their friend. i am so used to having someone screenshot all our private conversations to use them as "callout post material" later. i lived with these things throughout my entire teenage existence and now i don't know what a healthy friendship looks like. i don't know how to turn off the paranoia. i should be able to, but i don't.

and because of these things i walk on eggshells a lot. i get cagey and weird when there's differing opinions. and it's really really hard for me to take it at face value when people say "no, i'm not mad at you" because in the past, i've had people say that and then turn around and use the thing they actually were mad about as proof that i'm actually a bad person.

and like... i am actually a bad person. in the long run, anyway. when i was active in leftbook, i was really shitty to a lot of people who really didn't deserve it. i participated in a culture of cliques, ostracism, call-outs over minor discourse, and just... it was bad. i was a really horrifically bad person who said some really horrifically bad things to other people in the name of "activism" and being a "good leftist." i was dealing with my trauma by harming other people. i was lashing out at others even when they were trying to help me. i was deeply, deeply fucking toxic.

and as much as i've tried to mellow out over the years since, i'm still that same person. it was still me who did those things. i wouldn't do any of those things now, and if i could, i would undo them in a second, but that doesn't change the fact that there are people who are worse off because of my actions and because of the culture i participated in.

i've been trying to make the trip from "malicious and spiteful asshole" to "socially inept but otherwise friendly rando." it's harder than you'd think when the trauma that caused that negative shift in the first place is still very real.

[younme-andher]

ok i'm going to be so fr with you as a fellow @na account, this take is a little brain dead bc porn doesn't kill people, but @na does. now i'm absolutely not trying to justify porn bots in the slightest, i absolutely hate them and they disturb me as much as the next person, but also...i just kind of hate the rhetoric that being on @na tumblr is completely harmless and should be treated with respect because it's a mental illness.

and yeah - people with depression and anxiety and bpd do get to have their spaces on here, but here's the thing - $h accounts get terminated too. it's not an issue of "porn is okay but having a mental illness isn't 😖" (i can't stand that victim mentality, by the way). it's a safety issue, which applies to all content that glorifies harmful things. it's an issue of the 3d community basically showing people how to st4rve themselves. because let's be completely transparent, a lot of us post things that influence others in a negative way. these disorders are incredibly competitive, and let's face it, nobody is posting on here "for themselves". it's a social platform, cmon now. and yes, i'm aware of how hypocritical this is as a fellow 3d, account but it's just the truth. the same thing goes for the $h community on here.

tl;dr: porn bots do indeed suck (not arguing with you there) , but op and the people in the comments victimising themselves and acting like actively participating in @na communities on tumblr is simply "having a mental illness" and don't see the harm in it/why they'd get deleted need to do some introspection. because by participating in these communities you need to acknowledge that you're outwardly contributing to something that's harmful - not just "having a mental illness" or venting about said mental illness. and that's why 3d accounts get deleted.

tumblr will really let porn bot accounts infiltrate everywhere but banned my last email from making accounts and has terminated now 10 of my accounts for having a mental illness... thanks tumblr i see that porn is okay but having a mental illness isn't. thanks for that.

[jewelsunrays]

I'm feeling a very strong hit of nostalgia for events that were only just around half a year ago while rereading my diary to see what I need to touch upon. For someone very depressed, I was very hopeful about how this year would go. I was truly ready for a change.

I didn't change. I wasn't a Rory Gilmore-esque character who passes flawlessly and aces all tests. I think I built it up a lot in my mind as to how things were going to be, and I decided in advance how I was going to feel rather than just experiencing it, then got disappointed by my own expectations.

I think I've been absent more days this year than I've actually been at college. Like, seriously, it'll be a wonder if I'm actually allowed to continue for my next and final year, because yes, there is a chance I may not be allowed back if I failed!

My art class is extremely difficult with harsh deadlines, and my health always takes a hit that last week before as I stay up every night and skip meals to try and get enough work done to pass. I wish I'd listened to myself when I complained over and over that I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. Whoever said 'it's better to try and fail than not try at all' was a liar I swear

I did end up calling the doctor, and getting diagnosed officially with depression, and tomorrow is my 3rd counselling session out of 6, and I'm dreading it because I have to lie and say 'yes, I've been at school today!' when I haven't because this week is work experience week for my year, and guess who didn't get work experience? I'm not sure why I can't tell my counselor this - I feel like she'll be disappointed with me, but its like, why do I fear that?

(I blame my college for that more than anything, they're not really the best with sharing information with the students. There isn't really the community, secondary school feel where everybody knows everyone and everyone gets alerted on news and stuff, you just have to hope you fall upon the right stuff)

It's also crazy to reread passages of my angsty sixteen year old self being like 'I can't tell my friends anything and they vent to me about everything they suck :(' when, like, they didn't suck that much, you just came across as a good friend who listened. Not to mention many nights of introspection and 2023 character development has made me realise I was simply in the process of developing intimacy issues. I never tell a soul about anything I'm feeling or doing; I was a lot more open even in the days where I complained about not being open. I'm far lonelier these days, to be honest.

I'm going to make a follow up to this post with less heavy stuff, like just little things I mentioned offhandedly in previous entries I want to mention again.

[frzngrapes]

whoever the fuck these are, pt.1:

Keycie

Recently, I have invented these... I would say OCs, but they're not part of any story. I think it would be more accurate to call them personas, or avatars idk. (i vent and introspect a lot in this, i low-key wrote this for my therapist, she keeps asking me about my characters and imaginary friends)

Physical appearance: we have the same face (picture a pretty black girl... yea that's me. maybe a bit paler) All of these little characters do. Except Cherry. Cherry doesn't have a face. But Keycie has a bigger afro. Really really long hair, she gets asked if they're real often. And they're purple! she has braces with rainbow elastics, and oversized round glasses. You can picture her with sparkling purple fairy wings, or not.

Fashion style: maximalist and inventive. lots of colours and sparkles. Sparkles and rhinestones are a VERY big part of her fashion. she loves anything frilly, her favourite fashion item is tutu skirts. heavy decora and scene influences.

colors: purple, rainbows, neon colours, anything sparkly, animal patterns

TV show: Monster High, Project Runaway

tunes: Keycie's playlist

gender: none (any pronouns, prefers she/they/it/doll)

age: 15

zodiac: Leo sun, Aries rising, Gemini Mars

art, mediums and techniques : aquarelles, collages, crayons, clothes and furnitures, amateur music

.

Anyways, meet the coolest person ever: Keycie! Keycie the person I thought I was going to be, when I was a child. If a few things went differently, I'm sure I would've became her. What should I explain firsts... maybe her name?

I never identified with my dead name. When I was a kid, I wanted people to call me Keycie. Because pronounced in English, that's what my initials were: KC. Also because it sounded like the name an American cheerleader in a Disney Channel show could have, and I wanted to be a cheerleader (and a Disney Channel character). So that became my alias on literally every online game for young girls (moviestarplanet, amour sucré, shopaholic and the list goes on), and on my 3DS

okay, so Keycie lives in an alternate reality, she obviously doesn't exist here. We communicate by sending each other letters, she's wise, and honestly smarter [when I was a kid, people told me i was smart all the time. i got good grades easily and my mom would tell me i was better than the others, and should be n°1. tbh, 8yo me though she was a genius, and more mature than others (i would literally ask my mom to make me run an iq test, i was persuaded it would turn out higher than average lmao (i never took the test)... but now i feel so dumb, behind, and incapable, how ironic.] than me, so she gives great advice, but she's a bit clueless. She doesn't know much about our reality, I have to explain everything to her, in great details.

Now let's move on to her life! The key part is that Keycie does a lot of things. She does rhythmic gymnastics, and theater. She sews her own clothing and when she doesn't, she customs things from the thrift store. She runs a fashion blog and post her outfits on Instagram, because she doesn't care what her classmates would think about it. She loves learning kpop dances and posts her covers on Instagram, she doesn't do things to be good, she does them to have fun! She knows how to sing and posts her covers on YouTube, because she isn't scared of being made fun of. Actually she makes her own music too. She makes silly little tunes on garage band, and she is in a band. She plays the drums there, but she also knows how to play the bass, the guitar, the piano and how to sing [nothing related to my childhood, i just think it's cool. Oh! but there's an instrument i wanted to know how to play as a child!]. She plays the violin too. I don't actually think it's that possible for a human being to do that many stuff with their lives, but if 10 years old Vi saw me doing absolutely nothing he would be heartbroken. Oh, she loves reading, she spends hours and hours reading, whole afternoons, she reads until 4am. She writes fantasy and dystopian novels. they're not that good but she's getting better and better. Also, she's weirdly knowledgeable on science, she does well in physics, chemistry and biology class, actually she loves them!

Keycie is 15 years old. She doesn't know what she wants to do in the future (profession wise) yet but she has so many options because she loves so many things. She loves going to school, she absolutely loves finally being in highschool! She has top tier grade because as a kid I would've never imagined the effortless As i used to get would lead me to not knowing how to work, how to learn and how to study yk. Growing up, she learnt how to put in the extra work, that separated being naturally good and "avoir des facilités" (being "gifted") from being the best. Her mom and dad are proud of her. because She is finally fixed, time fixed her: she can focus on a task, she doesn't forget to do things, she doesn't procrastinate, she can manage herself properly, be organized, have a clean and clear bedroom. When she has a project she takes it to the finish line. She got into that selective design section in high-school, she did.

she has no actual irl friends and she thinks she's ugly. she never fell in love. She doesn't go a day without asking herself why she is in the world. What does she have to bring? she wants to change the world, or maybe to disappear, because she thinks if she can't leave an impact, there's no point in existing at all. She tends to lack empathy. I don't know how to explain it but she is so very disconnected from others,, she's literally not part of our world, she's in her own and She doesn't care about the real one. the fantasy of a kid that manifested into some reality, She might as well be a fairy or have psychic powers. if you get to talk to her, she will be clueless about what you're saying and probably answer something completely unrelated. She can be... idk, insensitive? when I first started sending her letters, she would reply things like "well, It could be worse". but overtime she learnt how to be a good listener :)

I feel like she used to be me in some way, up until some point, but without knowing I lost her. You know how she's very talkative? these days I'm very quiet. I kind of lost the sparkles. If primary school me saw me last year, she would think (aside from some details): "Yup, that's me makes perfect sense. Not too surprised I turned out like that". I was still partially Keycie. And I guess she would recognise me when i'm with my best friends. But if she saw me any other time (aside from when i'm making art, playing bass, or taking walks in nature), she would be so confused. Because I lost Keycie. do i make sense? before, I used to know who I was, and I miss that. This character, and the letters I write for it are a way for me to honour the person i used to be, and the dreams i had

I know it's normal that I'm not her. It's normal to fail, it's normal to change, it's normal to deviate from the path, to be deceived by the world, to struggle and to grow up. But i don't want to. I guess I have to suck it up, to evolve even if it's to be someone else. And I'm sure as I heal, I will find bits of her back. Keycie isn't perfect, and I can't be a kid forever

I forgot to mention: she has a cat and a well decorated bedroom with many plants and a Monster High dolls collection.

[flurty]

I’m still not a thousand percent sure where I belong in the Rainbow Community. Like I might be trans but that’s not right but I’m definitely not completely cis because I sometimes hate certain pronouns and absolutely vibe with the trans guys and gals but also I’m not really all the way there?

And I still dunno if I’m Demi/Bi or if I’m full Demi or maybe I’m really just ace and hate the idea of never being able to feel sexual/romantic attraction ever? But also both guys and girls can be so pretty?

Sorry this is just a vent I should’ve put it in your DMs but I’m too lazy to retype all this so here ya go.

(You can post this if you want, I’ll make it anon but I’m pretty sure you know who I am anyway?)

honestly and I might get some flak for this, but if you're 100% sure about something, you're definitely wrong.

Not to say that is sky isn't blue, but sometimes it's black and red and orange.

Labels help for guiding your thinking so you can discover yourself, but they aren't meant to be so static. The people who have it right are oftentimes the ones who take like 20 labels. We are fluid, dynamic beings that aren't meant to be so rigid in our beliefs.

Before last year, I thought I was allo all the way, and I was sure that I was a man. Then I got a kick in the butt through losing a parent and that one event opened my eyes to the fact that things change. What necessarily is true a year ago may not be true today or in the next year.

Don't be afraid to switch those labels up, don't be afraid to explore and discover. Ever since I've taken a step back and just listened to my heart and my mind I've realized parts of myself that I was neglecting.

I'm not sure of my labels, I used to be but today and possibly for the near future I won't know. What I do know is that I experience attractions different, and that I am both feminine and masculine. And I'm confident with that.

You are valid for feeling the way you do, and I fully support you. You will find yourself in due time, just think -- write if you have to -- and introspect on past events and understand.

And if you need to, just say that you don't know and you're aspec, or grey, or whatever. Labels don't make a person. You make yourself who you are, and that's just fine. I won't judge, and many others won't judge either.

Just be yourself and accept yourself. If you need a kick in the butt, I'm here. I will understand and talk things out and help you, but I can't make you for you. You are number one, friend.

You are seen, you are heard, you are understood, you are loved, you are supported. I gotchu 100%.

Just dm me if you want this taken down, or if you need to vent on anon, lemme know if it's postable or not. I am here. Don't be a stranger. 💙

[bondsmagii]

“irt your questions abt anon hate: when I was ~13 and first on tumblr, I sent what could be considered anon hate pretty often. After a lot of growth and introspection, I think it was because I'm so anxious and conflict avoidant irl. I could vent all my bottled up rage without feeling personally responsible”

I had a similar experience but with fanfiction, I’m a very conflict avoidant and shy person irl so on fanfiction and archive of our own I could use anonymous to express all the positive and (most often) negative feelings I had towards the way a certain author wrote their story, but that was a double edged sword because when an author got let down by my negative comment I myself felt very bad for even posting negativity on the internet.

So most ended up being a lose-lose situation.

And when I first joined tumblr (I’m not sure if this counts as trolling) I sometimes ended up asking people’s questions about their thought and feelings on certain media (on anonymous of course) just so I could start a conversation about an interest/show I liked without actually having to reveal my internet persona because to them because I get shy even on the internet.

And even now, I’m not sure why I’m telling your this, you can consider this ask a vent post, thanks a lot for reading!

Adding a little to the last ask, the few last times I’ve done that sort of thing through anon, I’ve always have clarified that what I’m saying was just my personal opinion and I try to always also add positive and compliments on my comments just so my comments doesn’t sound so negative. This was mostly due to how the first time I did this (it’s a complicated situation but I have the capacity of recognizing that I was in the wrong here, I would had been able to admit to it back then) the author really did got discouraged by comments and then I didb't has rhe xapaxirt of admirrinf i was wronf in tjat situaruin,

[not sure what went wrong here, anon! I'm getting 'I didn't have the [something] of admitting I was wrong in that situation', but I'm not sure what that missing word is.]

i've been thinking about dm that person and trying to apologize and even drawing them something as an apology of our mutual fandom. they never blocked me or anything, but i still feel very bad about that situation after all those years. Should I try to contact them and apologize properly?

regarding the first part of your message, I think that while some of that was perhaps in poor taste, I don't think it was hate, as such. certainly talking to people on anon about their interests because you're too shy to message them off anon isn't trolling, and so long as you were polite, I don't personally see anything wrong with that. if you were baiting, which is to say sending loaded asks already with a "correct" answer in mind, in the hope that you or others could attack the person if they gave the wrong response, that would definitely be something closer to hate. but as it stands, I don't think what you were doing on Tumblr counts.

when it comes to fanfiction, while I wouldn't call that hate either (unless, of course, you were name-calling or dropping personal insults or being particularly cruel) I am rather fascinated by the thought process. constructive criticism is one thing, so if that's what you were doing fair enough, but if you were being really negative about it I guess I'm just curious as to why you felt the need to say anything at all. you said you were conflict-avoidant, but it seems that by sending these comments in the first place, you were creating the only conflict there. I suppose I'm just wondering what the thought process is behind it: you could have clicked out and ignored it and had zero conflict, yet you were absolutely possessed by the need to say something. I do think this has something to do with why people send real hate, too, like the proper vitriolic stuff, so I'm curious as to what the thinking is there. does the frustration just boil over until you have to say something?

as for your second ask, I'm honestly not sure. it depends on a few things. were you seriously, uncharitably in the wrong, or just mistaken/making your conclusions based on what you knew and who you were then? were you really hurtful and/or insulting, or just a little rude? if it was several years ago, and you were just a little aggressive and rude, I doubt the person even remembers. if you were particularly nasty, though, it might be worth apologising -- even if they still don't remember, it sends a good message, and is encouraging for people to see. I know I'm always very impressed when I see anons on this website apologising, either to myself or others, because it's rare to see that kind of maturity on the internet. usually people argue and ragequit, or argue and double down. rarely does somebody go away and then come back and admit they were out of line. ultimately it's up to you -- sometimes it's best not to rock the boat at all -- but I certainly wouldn't think it was out of line if an anon from several years ago messages me to apologise. I might be surprised, or a little awkward because I might not remember the event in question, but overall I would appreciate the sentiment.

[mylonlysunshine]

I feel sorry for whoever you're posting about because I'm sure they don't even know.

It's time to call for some introspection when you're built up by tearing down others or finding comfort that you think they haven't changed from the teensy bit of info you get because you think you do so much evolution yet here you are doing exactly what you always do.. thinking the same exact things that you've thought a year ago except about someone new.. haven't you noticed how many people have called it quits or how everyone who challenges you is a narcissist? When will you realize your only loyalties left are people who's boundaries you continue to respect because that's what friendship is? You give a little and take a little but it's fine and doesn't need to be controlled because it's only a friendship.. I feel so sorry that you harbor so much negative energy out of hatred or spite. We used to talk about that too. I feel sorry you haven't realized your post isnt about whatever new friend you're posting about, because from my perspective, it sounds exactly how I used to feel about you sometimes.

Early 2021 Keara- angry and frustrated- would have said:

I don't miss your gross party punch. I don't miss celebrating your 4th "first" holidays. I don't miss your triangulation and intentionally not wanting people you bring together to become friends so you can vent...all the time. I don't miss you only keep people around that don't push your perspective to be better. I don't miss the confusion of thinking we're good but you're still complaining to others behind my back/when you whip out facts that I didn't even know were still a problem. I don't miss the pedestal you put yourself on when you did something kind bc you'd use all the good things you do against us.. but have you forgotten everything we let slide, every way we've compromised that we didn't like about you for the sake of wanting to be your friend?

I have let go of my spite. I have let go of those negative feelings because what's the point? I haven't seen you in almost a year. All that's left is the good times and the times that make us roll our eyes but laugh in a loving nostalgic way bc you were still being true to who you are- some just see that side more than others. We accepted who you are. We have just chosen that who you were around us (vs other people who didn't have to see those versions of you) wasn't who we wanted to be friends with anymore. And that's okay. People outgrow others and we all chose to leave you behind.

Current me wishes you the best. This holiday, I hope you got to spend it with people you care about and care about you. I hope you don't have to worry about your status in the states anymore. You used to argue with me about how letting go isn't actually possible bc it's impossible to just forget. But I hope you learned letting go isn't forgetting, it's being at peace with what you can't change. I understand our friendship wasn't necessarily compatible. I'm not angry by it because I appreciate the good times and will never forget them.