#this isn't anti Sammy i swear please

[killakillabangbang]

In dark side of the moon, Dean's pain and hurt isn't extending from a wounded ego for Sam wanting something else for his life.

This isn't Sam being a dunce and hurting Dean's sensitivities. It's undoing the foundation of their relationship. At this point in the series Sam and Dean are actually in a pretty good State. Dean's understanding that Sam's addiction is just that, an addiction. They've been completely honest with one another since separating and reuniting and it's not seamless or easy but they're working towards a good place. Overcoming hurdles together, finding solutions as a unit, relearning trust. All good things when in the context of healing. After a huge moment like famine for both Sam and Dean it's understandable why their already unstable beliefs in themselves and each other are questioned. Why faith is questioned. But that question was at least for Dean never about his love for Sam. And that's the difference.

Nothing about Sam's heaven has anything at all to do Dean or family. He's not even aware there's anything wrong, he thinks it's a dream.

Dean's life being so family centric and Sam's being every time he successfully abandoned Dean isn't just theoretical anymore it's plain old facts. There's no interpretation for a side where he ever saw Dean as more than an extension of his father to Sam.

To Sam it was him against everyone. Him against the world and no one and nothing would ever understand the loneliness or hopelessness. Except the kid sitting right next to him. Dean raised him so closely he never saw Dean as a brother. He saw him as a force United with dad that wanted him to obey and not question because that's what Dean did.

But Dean had questions! He had doubts! And fears! He had hopes and dreams of his own and believed in love and it's power to overcome but he chose to suffer in silence. Because what would be the point of trying to shout over Sam and John. Who would listen to him without trying to get him on their side. Who would use the memory of his mother against him today? Who would throw spiteful barbs at him that day? John wouldn't have given the car if he knew that's how he'd keep it up, right? Sam wouldn't have to yell at dad if his perfect little soldier just stood up for himself, right?

The truth is Dean was comforting his family his whole life even in his memory with Mary he consoled her. At four years old he had the wherewithal to understand what was happening and what to do. That kind of love is bone deep. It's the type of memory that proves who you are. Proves character. And what does Sam do? Instead of words of communion or fraternity, Sam says, "I just did realize how long you'd been cleaning up Dad's messes."

He admonishes him for being 4 and loving his parents. But he at 11 can't help choosing a strangers home and family.

And then there's Flagstaff.

John beat the fuck out of Dean here right? We can all see the signs? We can see the way his hands tighten and the dawning horror that this is in Sam's greatest hits. And let's just say he didn't. What do you all think John Motherfucking Winchester said to Dean for losing his son? What words do you think he used? How many ways did he call Dean useless? Stupid? incompetent?

How many times did John twist the knife in Dean's chest? Can you imagine?

And Sam never thought of it like that. He never considered Dean. Not his safety, not his health.

And then the night of Stanford? Unbelievable.

And Sam had the balls to say "I never got the crusts cut off on my sandwich. I just don't think of family like you do."

Sam he was 4. He saw the flames Sam. He was raised to put Sam first ahead of his own happiness and dreams and Sam turning around and throwing it in his face is mean. Sam's just mean in this episode and he's right when he says it's not about what he does it's who he is. This is who Sam thinks he is to his deepest foundations. But the grand old unspoken truth is that they do share Heaven. That ultimately in life their lives are for one another and Sam's true heaven after the road of memories is Dean. And that's the big sad here.

This episode isn't about Dean's hurt feelings at being second choice or even third choice. It's about Dean's realization that he's never been anyone's priority ever. Not John's. Not Sam's. And ultimately not even Mary's.

Unless Dean is actually literally dying in front of them, they couldn't give a crap, and don't.

Tossing the Samulet is Dean's finally admitting that to himself. It's Dean choosing his feelings and pain over family. It's a white flag to the universe saying ok, God ain't shit, John ain't shit, Sam ain't shit, I give up. How long can Dean have faith that his love matters? A love and longing that got him through a childhood of horror, 4 years with John, and 4 decades of hell. A love he wasted his life on, sacrificed his love life for, sold his soul for, and died for. None of it mattered. None of it counted.