#this isn't a joke this is literally what happened

[apatheticsunday]

I literally love this idea. But specifically the version where Danny targets the Batfam and they're like?? wtf is happening??? And Jason opens his door to this random kid with a dufflebag of Bat paraphernalia, demanding cash.

Like, imagine that Danny ends up in Gotham - maybe he was disowned after being revealed as Phantom or Gotham is an entirely different realm that he got body-slammed into by accident; either way, he's there and he actually likes it. It's still a brutal, violent dystopian city full of criminals, but there's a general understanding that you mind your business. Which means that if Danny goes invisible in front of two masked robbers, they just mumble about "damned metas" and find another victim. I mean, Gotham literally has Poison Ivy, Clayface, Killer Croc, Mr. Freeze, and Man-Bat. You're telling me a little invisibility, intangibility, and floating is going to genuinely shock most Gothamites? Please. Give them some credit.

And the best part? Gotham has vigilantes. A lot of them. He got the quick rundown from a couple other kids, but there's Batman, Nightwing, Red Robin, Robin, Oracle, Orphan, Spoiler, and Signal, and apparently more who crop up from time to time. There's more than enough vigilantes to keep an eye on Lady Gotham, so Danny is happy to enjoy his own destitute situation without worrying about hero-ing on the side. He's can kind of manage with the Martha Wayne Foundation shelter and a couple ten-fingered discounted items. He's... managing.

When Danny hears about The Application, he thinks it's a joke. Most of the street kids think it is. Until Tara stumbles back into Crime Alley with a shell-shocked expression, a huge plastic bag of BatBurger takeout clutched in one hand and a folded piece of paper in the other.

It's the job application. Tara pins it back up on the Martha Wayne Foundation community board for the next kid to try - it gets folded, crumpled, stained, and torn so much that it almost looks like a 100 year old dollar bill. The writing is barely even legible at this point. Danny stares at it tacked up to the board, taken and returned, so many times that he memorizes the thick Sharpie smear and scrawling handwriting. It couldn't be that easy, could it? Would it be worth possibly being revealed as a "Meta"? And the Wayne family aren't even bad people, can he truly steal from them?? In the end, what makes Danny's decision is thinking about spending the rest of his adolescence in Crime Alley, barely scraping by. If there's even a chance that he doesn't have to, he'll take it.

So, Jason Todd is obviously Danny's first target. He's seen the guy in Crime Alley enough times to tail him with ease. Except... Jason disappears into... the known hideout of infamous Crime Lord, the Red Hood? Uh-oh. Maybe chalk it up to being new in Gotham or not really knowing the whole "Brucie and Dickie Wayne" routine, but Danny catches on almost immediately. If Jason is Red Hood and Bruce Wayne has a bajillion kids who happen to have the exact same physique as the bajillion Bat-vigilantes, then... he's gotta steal from the Bat Cult?? Oh, shit. (Also, the idea of Bruce's own son encouraging kids to steal from him is hilarious, Danny's so down for it now that he knows it's not malicious.)

The thing is that the Wayne family is literally famous. Any time they go out into public, there are people taking pictures of them (such as the viral meme of a sleep-deprived Tim Drake clutching three opened cans of Monster, Redbull, and Celcius. Or Dick Grayson cramming an entire Taco Bell burrito into his mouth at a gala. He'd ordered Doordash to Lex Luthor's mansion). But you know who isn't in the public eye? The Batfam. So, Danny makes a decision that can kind of be considered dumb, and decides to pickpocket Gotham's Bat Cult Vigilantes.

Jason Todd slings his custom-made leather jacket over his motorcycle and turns his back for two seconds. Then he turns around and-??? His fucking jacket's gone?? It was the one with like eight secret pockets, too, damnit!!

Tim Drake is suddenly missing a Robin Batarang?? It's the beginning of his patrol and he hasn't even used his utility belt yet, how did he lose one already? (Yes, he does inventory every time he goes out, he was trained by the literal Batman.)

Dick Grayson drops his escrima sticks while fighting and just... can't find it after? He could've sworn he saw it roll by this trash can, though? He doesn't think much of it, honestly, he's got a ton of spares since it happens pretty often. At least it wasn't one of the electric escrima sticks.

Damian Wayne is next. He's kind of like a feral dog while on patrol, eager to violently lunge towards criminals and moving so erratically that Danny can't really find a great time to nick him. It's a lot easier to just steal one of Damian's daggers from where it's lodged into a criminal's shoulder. Robin is too busy terrifying the rest of Two-Face's gang to care about a tiny red dagger, anyways.

Bruce Wayne is the last victim. Danny tried to nick him one time while out in public. He couldn't help it, Bruce walked straight into Martha Wayne Foundation to speak with the managerial board and Danny happened to be there; it was all too easy to steal the man's delicate gold wristwatch. There's a strict no-cameras rule in the shelter, made to protect the identities of those in need regardless of who they may be outside of the shelter. Everybody knows the Martha Wayne Foundation is a neutral ground. So, there's no fear of a wayward camera catching his ghostly visage when Danny makes Bruce's watch intangible for a mere moment. Except when he squints at the underside, there's a faded engraved "to my dear Martha, from Thomas" in cursive script.

Bruce's wristwatch is returned with its owner none the wiser. (Bruce knows. Even if he hadn't felt his mother's watch slip through his wrist, he would've known anyway since Danny accidentally phased it back on upside down.)

So, it turns out, Batman is the last victim. Danny feels sick at the thought of possibly taking something worth something to the man like back at Martha Wayne Foundation, so he steals a single grape-flavored candy from Batman's utility belt. (Batman pretends not to notice.)

Cue Danny knocking on Red Hood's door in the middle of the night with a plastic bag of miscellaneous Bat Cult Items. He's also wearing Red Hood's leather jacket. It's comically huge on the kid, but Danny loves it - loves how warm it is and now much he can sneak into all the hidden pockets. Plus, finders keepers and all.

Red Hood:... what the fuck.

Danny: That'll be 25k.

Red Hood, begrudgingly admitting that he may be a little like Bruce after all: ...okay.

Man, I love Jason-adopts-Danny fics!!!

Pickpocket for Hire

Dpxdc Prompt #61

It started off as a joke.

No really, it was something that Jason felt the Bats would laugh about, while also helping out some street kids along the way.

He put out a job for the kids of Crime Alley, anyone who could pickpocket the entire Wayne family would get all necessities paid for them by Red Hood until they turned 18.

Most kids that saw the challenge would think it was a joke.

Most kids that believed it was real would think it wasn't even worth trying.

Most kids that tried would be caught immediately, and subsequently get a meal paid for by their Wayne of choice and suddenly have some doors opened for them, because Jason knew his family and knew they had a soft spot for kids.

Except the one thing he didn't account for was Danny Fenton, who most certainly was not most kids.

[bitter-me]

Hello! could you do Asaba Harumasa with A Loid Forger!Male!Reader who is his Fiancé? (For real not for a misson) And could you do like some general headcanons of it please?

Spy X Executive Officer

Harumasa Asaba | M. Reader as Loid Forger [SpyXFamily]

----------

"You gotta be careful. Because there's someone else back home who'd be heartbroken if anything happened to you."

----------

General Headcanons

First of all, the moment you two met Harumasa knew you are a spy. Come on now, he's responsible for Section 6's reconnaissance for a reason. In the main story he literally recognized the mercs are closing in on them by their shooting pattern alone. Are you kidding me.

Secrets out and from then on he'll rub it in your face that the Twilight was caught by an Executive Officer and through this process of endless teasing and "accidental meet ups" you two gotten quite close.

Yet despite making teasing the absolute daylight out of you his main mission. Harumasa would always comes to you for help with some missions of his. Come on! He has Twilight on speed dial! What kind of person would he be if he didn't abused use this power? The amount of times you have to pretend to be him for a meeting... too much to even bother counting..

Harumasa seems to have developed a habit since you two got together. One of which is how he looks like a wounded animal whenever you have to "be in a relationship" with someone. He's joking of course. But always seem to jump at the chance whenever Harumasa saw it.

But then again.. you're also using him for your own work as well. HAND has a lot of useful information and Departments. Having an insider on speed dial just make things ten times easier. In short both of you are using each other.. until it became something more as you two craves more with each interactions.

"You're cheating on me! I know I don't have much time, yet you--" "Darling, I am not seeing someone behind your back, it was a mission. We have this conversation before."

Endless teasing. Just endless.

By the way, are you a cat person? Well it doesn't matter you are a cat person now. Say hello to your son/daughter. Harumasa canonically has a cat, so..

Would jokingly as you to teach him some espionage with the excuse that it'll help him be a "more outstanding scout." You didn't, of course. Espionage is your thing. As if you'll let him steal your thunder like that.

Oh no. Harumasa isn't in the office again. He must have taken a sick leave. But how could he get another one? What? He has a doctor's note?

Yes, he would probably, maybe, say "please" a lot, just to get you to write him a doctor's note. Hey! Not his fault that your public image is a Psychiatrist! That just makes your notes 100% legal! And you are this awesome boyfriend of his right? So.. please~ he promise to give you kisses if you do write it~

Although Harumasa seems to know he can't use this trick a lot and uses it sparingly.

The proposal? It's the grenade proposal. I'm sorry but it's cute and it kinda fits ZZZ's world building. Both of you are running from the Ethereals and have gotten cornered. What a bad day it was. You were just about to propose when Harumasa got a call for a mission, since you don't want to waste any time. You decided to help your lover so that you can finally propose when all of these are done. But no, the universe hates you and decided to do this instead and damnit! You lost the ring! Cornered with nowhere else to go you spotted a grenade not to far away. Acting out of instincts you took it, pulling the pin and saying your vow as you put the "ring" on Harumasa's finger.

He ruthlessly tease you about the proposal though. Saying something like "Took you long enough. And here I thought I would die first before knowing the feeling of a ring on my finger." and, "A grenade pin? Seriously? How come those men and women you "marry" for a mission gets an actual ring while I--you're actual lover--only have this? I'm hurt!"

In the end you did get him an actual ring. As he deserved.

----------

Despite usually being seen slacking off. Harumasa works hard on his missions. After all, there's a reason as to why he's a member of Section 6. Naturally.

Yet he's not invincible. Harumasa knows that better than anyone else. Which is why he is now lying in the hospital bed with a sore throat and a heavy chest. It felt as if he were to somehow lie in a wrong way he'll start coughing out a lung. But he doesn't have to worry. He has [Name}. And that man would go full on doctor on him in a heartbeat.

"You're an idiot sometimes." [Name] sighs, sitting on the chair by his lover's bedside. He can't believe Harumasa had willingly injected that thing. Onto him like that. Sure, he understands. Harumasa can't let that thing exist in the world. But seriously?! Did he even think for one second what could have happened to himself if he weren't this lucky?! What if it's a one time thing?!

"You idiot." He whispers underneath his breath.

Harumasa really has to be careful.. because there's someone else back home who'd be heartbroken if anything happened to him.. and that person, is him. [Name] Forger.

For all of his time as a spy. No one had ever made him feel so.. complete. The thought of settling down never crossed his mind. But with Harumasa.. he might just consider it. But..

How is he supposed to settle when the one he loves is constantly on death's door?

[Name] snapped out of his thoughts the moment he registered the warm feeling on his hand. Harumasa's on top of his. Turning his head towards him, [Name] saw Harumasa giving him a reassuring smile. "I know.. but I'm your idiot."

"Don't worry too much. I'm not going anywhere. After all, no one cares more about my life than me."

[elbiotipo]

last night I spent 24 hours awake and dreamed up a new science fiction setting, I hate when that happens

[cryptdfish]

“white mourning.”

[thetriggeredhappy]

now's surely not the time but i really truly do feel like in a lot of the circles discussing social progress, along the same line that we get people arguing about gender markers on official documents when the actual solution is to remove gender markers entirely because they serve no practical purpose, i feel like we have a lot of arguments surrounding sexism and expectations in relationships and marriage equality and equity and financial abuse and marriages of convenience that are almost completely inaccessible if you're any variant of asexual/aromantic/aspec or polyamorous. what if this isn't how any of that worked. is that so crazy?

[end-orfino]

strangelove and the boss make me fucking SICK honestly. in a good way. they're so fucking great

[fvckw4d]

The concept of queerbaiting annoys me. I was told that it refers to a work of fiction pretending to cater to a queer audience but then pulling back from it to avoid alienating homophobes, which is an incredibly specific thing. But a lot of people seem to think that it instead means "any time there's any gay subtex, metaphor, or ambiguity" or "whenever something from 1995-2012 was being a normal amount of homophobic for the era."

[snickerdoodlles]

📖 for kinnporsche the series? your ideas are just so good!

thank u nonny!! 😭❣

this one took me a while to type because it is my weird whacky fic child who i love very dearly but struggle to explain. so, uh.

✨ Necromancy AU ✨

Big dies in the warehouse. Porsche gets Arm to get his body out, gets Kinn to delay the cremation, and gets Chay to reanimate Big.

(because reanimating the dead is just something Chay can do, because he figured it'd be a good skill to learn and he's my most specialest boy.)

Kinn (who's at the morgue for Porsche) is flabbergasted, Khun (who's at the morgue by a miracle) is stunned silent, and Kim (who's here because Khun texted him but didn't say Chay would be here) is more shocked by Big than Chay's abilities.

(Kim is the only person other than Porsche to just accept necromancy as A Reasonable Thing For Chay To Know. this is why they're Chay's favorites.)

anyways so Big is now awake and surrounded by this family. this is hell. not just for him, his sudden undead status is causing a lot of problems:

Porsche just had Chay bring Big back, he didn't like...tell anyone what was happening or make a plan for what to do with him.

Kinn just figured out his new guard roster, and now he has to redo it to accommodate one very grumpy and very loyal Big who now doesn't need trivial things like sleep or food.

there's the looming specter of Khun's upcoming dry cleaning bill because he won't. stop. poking. Big.

Big is trying very, very, very hard to ignore that not only do people know he knew about Porsche and Kinn, but that he loves Kinn so much he died protecting Porsche.

speaking of, Porsche just thanked him for saving Chay and (in a quieter voice) for saving him.

Big is in hell.

despite all that, Big's plans for his new life are to just go back to being Kinn's perfect guard. he is ignoring the awkwardness, none of this is fine, none of this will be fine, but it will be NORMAL.

this is hampered by the fact that whoops, turns out the undead need to hang around their "masters" for at least a few hours every couple of days to "recharge" so to speak, as discovered by Pol when he screamed so loud he set a fire alarm off because he stumbled over Big's body face down in front of Kinn's door at 2am.

this is even further hampered by Korn, who will absolutely not stand for his preferred heir being guarded by someone who might be more loyal to someone other than him. Korn uses the "recharge" issue to force Big out by way of making him Chay's permanent guard.

so now Big, the perfect bodyguard who only got better at his job in death, is now stuck hanging around a high schooler who doesn't get into trouble and just wants to make music with his bitchy boyfriend.

(because oh yeah, mr. the untamed nerd Kim is obviously ridiculously into Chay being able to resurrect the dead and leaks feelings before he can run away and sabotages all future attempts to ghost Chay (insert necromancer joke here). Kim's fears of love and hurting those he loves will cause different problems.)

anyways, Big is suffering. not only is he stuck guarding Porsche's baby brother (who! he's realizing he likes as a person! will the horrors never cease!), Chay keeps being nice and thoughtful and looking out for him as a person and asking after his happiness and shit (the horrors!! are not ceasing!!!!). when Big finally has enough of all this Being Treated Like A Human Being business and asks Chay why he even cares, Chay blurts out "Big, do you even want to be alive?"

because this has been eating at Chay ever since he brought Big back at the morgue. because he never knew Big and never asked if he'd want to be alive again, Chay just did it for Porsche, who wasn't doing it for Big but for his own guilt. and then Big's old life was like an ill-fitting glove, because he and Porsche can't be bitches with Big's sacrifice hanging over them but don't know how to act when they aren't being bitches, Korn won't accept him back because he only sees his own paranoia and none of Big's loyalty, and Kinn might appreciate Big's loyalty but he won't fight for it either, not when he's trying to juggle the rest of Korn's messes coming to fruition. Big's been completely forced out of his old life and any ties he might've kept to the other guards (as few as they were) are ruined by the others' guilt and discomfort, because Big might not have died in the first place if literally anyone had listened to him during the Tawan debacle, which they could ignore when he was dead but can't when he's alive and there in front of them.

and the whole confession draws Big up short because no one's ever asked him what he wants before. Big was just the son of a mafia enforcer who got scooped up young by the main family as a personal guard for Kinn. Big's never even considered that what he wants could be an option. even when he first came back, his main considerations were on the ways he was a better guard for Kinn. Big's chosen more things for himself in his weeks with Chay than he has in his life, and he never stopped to think how he feels about that.

he does now. kinda. this is Big after all. but after both forty-three excruciating minutes and three days, Big finally answers Chay, "i never lived for me before. it's...nice." Chay, who's gotten quite good at reading between the lines after all the exposure from Kim and Big, beams and makes him help him pick his electives for his first semester of university, because Chay's determined to help Big find a hobby and he's overcome far tougher things than emotional constipation.

[[ ask me about fics im not writing ]]

Bonus

small scene snippet from shortly after Big's first brought back to life, right after Kim's walked into screaming, stolen Pol's gun, and shoved Chay behind him for protection, because i love themm

Kim opens and closes his mouth silently before sputtering, “But you— I heard— What…?!”

Chay worms his arms around Kim’s waist to get his attention and his head pops over Kim’s shoulder. “It’s okay, phi,” he says soothingly, “I brought him back.”

Big gets an eye full of Kim’s face flashing through four emotions he recognizes and thirty he doesn’t, which is thirty-four more emotions than Big can deal with. Kim twists around in Chay’s hold, just enough to squint at him from the corner of his eye without letting Big out of his gun’s sight line. 

“You know how to resurrect the dead?”

Chay drops his chin onto Kim’s shoulder with a huff. “Why do people keep asking me that? It seemed like a useful skill to know!”

“Obviously,” Kim scoffs, which is the first original response Big’s heard to that all day. “I meant you can do it? What, we’re you bored and just googled ‘how to make a zombie’ one day after school?!”

Chay rolls his eyes and pokes the undersides of Kim’s ribs. Shockingly, Kim pushes further into his hold, rather than away. “Don’t be silly. You have to be trained by a shaman to make a zombie.”

Kim actually turns to look at him dead on. His gun is still trained on Big. 

Chay cocks his head to the side. “What? I just googled ‘how to bring back the dead’ and went from there. It’s basically CPR!”

“That worked?”

Chay looks genuinely baffled. “Why wouldn’t it?”

Kim stares at him incredulously before suddenly going boneless in Chay’s hold, squishing him back against the wall. Chay does not protest being squished between Kim and a hard place. He actually looks delighted by it. Big would like to go throw up now. He doesn’t know if corpses can do that, but he’s willing to make an effort. 

“Of course it works, you’re you,” Kim grumbles. He knocks his head against Chay’s and rubs in a move so cute Big will throw up, death be damned. “If life worked for me like that...”

Chay beams and pats his stomach. “I’ll teach you!”

Turns out corpses can't throw up, but they can gag so hard they choke.

[bloodgulchblog]

While I sympathize with being frustrated that your favorite character wasn't the center of a story, I must point out that he had three fucking seasons where his character arc was at the core of the show, that was probably the best of it, and maybe it's fine somebody else got one that wasn't even particularly good.

[the-gay-prometheus]

I officially read the Flatland short story and I'm just saying

Gonna be calling Bill Cipher this from now on actually.

[pa-pa-plasma]

genuinely not kidding when I say that Tears of the Kingdom is not only a bad Zelda game, it's just a bad game in general. it's inaccessible to casual gamers who previously could play Zelda games because of their structure. there is virtually no plot, & what little plot there is sucks ass, is predictable in a bad way, & doesn't make any fucking sense, with the absolute lack of emotional reactions from the characters making it all the worse. the references are only there to distract from the absolute nothingness, despite a main timeline Zelda title being the perfect game to have them as a type of storytelling (what happened to Skyloft??). the sky islands are just rocks with nothing on them except fruit, or maybe a chest if you're lucky. the underground is a walking in the dark simulator. the overworld is the exact same shit as in Breath of the Wild & I already explored that twice so why do it again. the caves are pointless. they didn't add much to the game besides that (the shrines & towers are just reskinned, do not fool yourself) & what they did add is just more sidequests to fill the gaps between the bits of non-existent plot. the dungeons suck. the boss battles are okay which is just sad for a Zelda game. it's just a $90 DLC & if that doesn't explain why I'm so mad about this idk what the fuck will. maybe the fact that this "new formula" is a severe step down from the old one, where you had an actual full fucking puzzle game to play with an actual fucking characters & a story that wasn't just more MCU "cameo! reference!!" bullshit

[boyapologist]

24 hour layover and I slept for like 16 hours of it hooray

[alligaytorswamp]

which brain disease makes me come up with entirely fictional scenarios in my head, that are just miserable and make me cry irl ??

[jenlrossman]

[shittinggold]

brought a kiss to the knife fight

[torahtot]

my parents were like yeah we'll have kids who are 1/4 hasid 1/4 misnagid and 1/2 BT surely this will lead to a normal identity