#this isn’t made to put down people with fandom as a special interest or hyper fixation. it’s just sometimes autism support groups are

[heraldofzaun]

what are your thoughts on viktor and being neurodivergent? though like, obligatory disclaimer that if riot ever did come out and say that "hey! viktor is canonically [something]" that would be catastrophic but i think it is a little bit of fun for consideration

Oh! Well I like to think he's autistic, which is partially because I am too. (Of course in canon it would be catastrophic because haha, oh man, look at how they've treated Blitzcrank's biographies ever since they gave him an updated one. There's some coding in there, alright, and I am... not a fan...)

I’ve posted a lot of long posts recently (this is no exception) and this is also on a kind of tricky subject, so I’m readmore’ing it.

So anyways, while I have to admit that some of the reason why (my) Viktor is autistic is because I am - I think that you can make a general semi-convincing argument. Or I'm so wrapped up in my own interpretations that I can, at the least. Anyways, from here on out when I say Viktor I mean my personal take. Your mileage may vary on applying this to other interpretations.

(Also, thoughts on new lore Jayce's being kind of coded to be like, a stereotypical autistic dude? (If you have any I mean.) I don't like that Riot is doing it, of course, but I've seen a few good rehabilitative takes on it in fandom. @hamartio's Jayce springs to mind, because their Jayce has been developed over the years and also written by someone who like. Cares. Anyways, I have my own personal Jayce ideas that rely on his old lore so he's not really an asshole there, at least in those regards, so I don't really have many thoughts on new Jayce. I think new Viktor is... pretty coded as well, but it’s also insanely stereotypical. The whole “always working, always wants certainty, gets into automation not because he (primarily) wants to help those injured by catastrophes in Zaun but because the catastrophes interrupt his work” thing makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll write sometime on why the rewrite of his lore fails, in my opinion, to hit upon the same themes of his first - would that be of interest to folks? Anyways, this parenthetical is too long.)

I think that autistic Viktor is cool and makes sense, somewhat because of the fact that the ways he goes about solving his problems are, er, unorthodox. (Of course I am not saying that the GE is because he’s autistic, because that’s stupid. This is why I’m kind of squirrely about talking so openly about what I think Viktor’s got going on, and why I don’t really trust if a non-autistic person headcanons him as autistic. There’s a lot of room for that headcanon to just reinforce the “autistic people are supergeniuses with no emotions that work based off of Facts and Logic” trope, and I hate that.) Since a lot of autism is about feeling adrift from/at odds with neurotypical society, I think that Viktor’s general solutions and also his idealistic leanings in the face of everything Zaun is tracks for that. Roboticization makes sense as a way to stop suffering and death, because it’s more achievable than individual feats of immortality through magic or whatever. Viktor doesn’t really get why people would be so opposed to it - he’s made it clear that while he dislikes his own emotions and wants them gone, he doesn’t expect others to cast off theirs. (Maybe he expected that when he was in the thick of his emotional pain, mostly because he couldn’t imagine others choosing differently than he at the time, but not in the current day.)

Of course, externally, when the scary cyborg man who admits to cutting off his own limbs says “no, being a robot is cool, you can keep your emotions even”, any Zaunite (or any person) is going to interpret that as “he is definitely lying”. Viktor doesn’t quite make that leap. (I have thoughts on the whole Theory of Mind concept and I don’t mean to say that Viktor can’t empathize - he does, and does too much - with others, but I think that in this instance he just can’t quite understand sometimes why people don’t believe him.) He also doesn’t quite get why people would be so attached to the bodies that they’re currently in, especially if he can make a mechanical replica. Or why people might want to die and pass into non-existence after a life well lived. (To him, personally, there’s always more to do. Also he’s terrified of death but that’s another topic.)

I also think that Viktor’s empathy is of the hyper- rather than hypo- kind, partially because I feel like outside of self-advocacy groups the mere concept of autistic hyperempathy is seen as like... impossible? It’s also because he generally seems to be kind of an emotional guy in canon before Stanwick, what with the lore saying that “almost no trace of the original man remained” in reference to Viktor reemerging as someone without emotions. That, combined with the fact that he was described as having a “hope to better society” before everything went down, kind of makes me believe that he was a naive idealist type. (Again, not that autism makes you naive, but...) But yes, hyperempathy. Hence "no pain, no wars, no suffering, no death” being part of his ideology for the Glorious Evolution. He gets pretty ripped up about people being hurt, and it’s really only gotten worse over the years as he’s grasped the full scope of pain in the world.

Personally, I write pre-Stanwick-incident Viktor as someone who is still somewhat awkward with expressing emotion, but it’s not due to him not having them. It’s due to the fact that the ways in which he naturally expressed them and in which he interacted with the world were just... seen as odd/different/etc. (I don’t think Runeterra has an autism diagnosis or particularly excellent psychology, even in Piltover and Zaun, so he just gets the “you’re a weird dude” treatment for his entire life.) Stimming or smiling a certain way or talking a lot about his interests or, you know, the general autistic existence is weird to most people around him, as it unfortunately is in real life. So he’s more reserved until you actually know him, because he’s just masking all the time. (Fun fact about my Viktor: he’s pretty expressive under that actual mask of his. It helps to not have to micromanage expressions all the time when he isn’t experiencing a bout of flat affect due to [gestures vaguely at everything else going on with his mental state], although he sometimes feels poorly about not being able to manage himself. But that’s his issues, and I think it’s good for him to show emotion.)

Side note - Stanwick was able to do such a number on Viktor due to: a) Stanwick being very charismatic and manipulative, on top of being an actually smart man and scientist - he’s really a great example of a “good Zaunite”, in the sense of being good at being what the culture rewards, b) Viktor actively dealing with the death of his parents and Stanwick being an older adult who’d treated him kindly and had never seemed put-off by Viktor’s oddities, and c) Viktor not realizing that he’d get backstabbed, because yes he knows that that happens in academia but Stanwick’s nice. Whether or not the outcomes would have been the same if Viktor were more competent at being “a good Zaunite”... well, probably not. Viktor ended up where he did because of who he is.

(Secondary side note: Viktor has a very strong and very black-and-white sense of what’s right and wrong, as well as general black-and-white thinking. You can see how that would have... not helped in the situations he was put through.)

This is getting kind of rambling, but I guess the point of this is that Viktor’s wanting to remove his emotions may be cloaked in the language of them being “inefficient” or “unhelpful”, which would feed into autistic stereotypes, but it’s really more of a matter of them being too painful and raw for him to process. He feels too much and hurts too much, and no amount of positive emotions in the world will (in his mind) make up for the pain he’s felt and will feel. So it’s better to not feel anything at all, isn’t it? At least then you aren’t overwhelmed by it all.

Viktor just hasn’t fit in with Zaun for all his life, really. Not as an odd child who can tell you all about science-fiction and techmaturgy, not as an odd and reserved teenager/young adult, not as a bright young doctoral student still dealing with grief but trying to make the best of it, and... not as the Machine Herald. But now he’s given up on trying to fit in, for better or for worse.

(Other miscellaneous and less serious autistic thoughts on him: generally a pretty fixed diet, partially due to being autistic but also due to what’s easily available in Zaun + what agrees with his stomach. A fan of weight and pressure - I like to think that the reason his outfit is like that is that he finds it comforting, and also that he has a weighted blanket or two around. Special interests of general techmaturgy, robotics, and science-fiction. He can talk for hours about any of those, and has. Both his parents were mildly spectrum-y, his mother a little bit moreso, so they just kinda assumed that him being him was out-of-the-ordinary and a bit strange but not something “horribly wrong”. Oh! And his third arm, which is under a little less conscious control than the rest of him, still stims sometimes when he’s working or otherwise not paying attention to it.)

This was very long and jumped around a lot, because I find it hard to give a convincing paragraph-by-paragraph argument about exactly why I think that Viktor is autistic, or rather why I headcanon him as such. But hopefully it was interesting! I just have a lot of thoughts on him, as well as the general state of autistic-coded or perceived-as-autistic-by-individuals (both allistic and autistic) characters in media and so it’s very hard to do anything concise without branching out into discussing other topics.

[shego1142]

This is something I wish I could draw for, something I could talk about with pictures instead of words

Because it’s something I’ve felt for a long time but haven’t been able to narrow down and express

But I think… if I can attempt to put this feeling into words…

That it is extremely… difficult, at times, to engage in my special interests on tumblr

Or any other social media platform.

Because generally speaking as an autistic person I want to engage in parallel play

Very badly

I want to sit near the people I like and play with the special interest I like in the way I want to and show people the stories I’ve made and the art I’ve made

But I don’t want my… understanding of the special interest to be challenged

I don’t want my relationship to the special interest to be under attack

And at times I don’t want to be engaged with about my special interest I just want to be the one talking about it, experiencing it, living with in it.

And that’s okay! That is a valid feeling on my part!

But that’s not what the Internet is for, at least now how it’s structured as it is.

And that’s not an inherently bad thing!!!

There’s a lot of good things that come with the peer review that is the Internet…

But when we talk about special interests… at least in my case, we are talking about the very heart of me.

We’re talking about something that is so intrinsically and messily entwined to my being, even if it’s for a brief moment in time, that the fear of rejection is cataclysmic

I want to share my interests! I do!

I want to paint pictures on the walls and carve words into stone and show you my personas and my theories and what makes me happy about it all

I want to hold this beautiful precious thing up for you to see how important it is to me, to know it is special

But I don’t want to let go of it. I don’t want you to take it from me screaming and kicking and crying

I don’t want you to color over my art

I don’t want you to tear the stuffing out of my plushies

I don’t want you to erase my words

So much of tumblr fandom culture now especially is built around…. Examining the source material

Pointing out flaws, pointing out characterisation issues, pointing out real word societal impact and making sure every single thing about the fandom is morally sanitised and non-problematic and wrapped up tight in nice neat bows

So much of fandom is indoctrinated in being a responsible consumer of media and knowing all the potential problems that comes with said media

And again that is not a bad thing.

There is absolutely reason to do that sort of thing!

But I hate that people assume I haven’t done that due diligence already when I attempt to engage with my special interests.

I am currently hyper fixated on my special interest with Detroit Become Human.

And I’m terrified to post about it because I know someone will pry it from my hands and tell me it’s awful because it’s cop-propaganda.

Just like someone tried to pry away Rick and Morty from me, to tell me it’s awful for a myriad of reasons, all because I was excited that Rick is canonically autistic

And there are countless more fandoms I can name, and even non-fandom special interests I’ve had that I try to talk about

Only for them to be taken from me and for someone to try and teach me a moral lesson about them instead

Or to even just try and engage with me in some way or another that isn’t “letting me infodump”

Which is why I very rarely engage with anything I’m passionate about on here any more.

This isn’t a space for it

I wish there was a way to let it be though.

I wish there were some way we could signify that a post is meant to be parallel play and not some big open meta conversation

But there isn’t.

Not with the way tumblr or really any other social media is set up

And I assume I’m not the only autistic person feeling this particular type of frustration, so I finally found a way to express it that I hope resonates with others.

As far as solutions go, I’ve found being in very small very friendly discord servers with primarily neurodivergent members is the main way to help this feeling

But I am open to suggestions too

And this post is absolutely okay (and encouraged) to be reblogged btw!

[millennialzadr]

WHY I LOVE ZADR!!!

HEY GUYS WHASSUP? LMAO

So this is a whole ass giant long post of me absolutely spewing my feelings of love for ZADR, it was the very first thing I wrote when I made this blog and I think it’s a nice, positive thing for my fellow shippers to inhale and enjoy 👌👌

it was originally a reply to mitarashiart’s post about why HE loves ZADR (link in replies) but I decided to delete that and make my own post since MY WHOLE ENTIRE TEXT WALL WAS SHOWN IN THE REPLIES and drowned out anyone else who was trying to talk (thanks tumblr mobile u fuckin idiot)

I had also posted a summary of an AU that I’m working on in the original post, but decided to remove it since it just about doubled the length (I’m thinking about posting it separately along with the wips I’ve been putting together, we’ll see 👀)

But ANYWAY, here is about a million reasons why I think ZADR is the fucking best, so if you like reading gushy gay ship feelings, please enjoy ❤️❤️❤️

[Posted June 2019][WARNING, LONG ASS THOUGHT BARF]

SOOO, holy hell y’all my journey back into this fandom has been a wild and unique experience for me, i went from adding invader zim to my bookmarks on kisscartoon, rewatching the series, finding out theres a movie coming out, finding out there was a shitload of content i’d never seen before (commentaries, lost episode scripts and audios, panels, the COMIC, episodes i’d never seen because the dvd i used to watch was scratched!! and a FUCKLOAD of quality modern fan art like oh my GOD) and finally curiously googling ‘zadr’ (which i was way into when i was maybeee 13/14) to see if there was any interesting new art, and holy hell, mita (the artist above) singlehandedly THREW me down the hole into modern zadr hell, first with his absolutely stunning IZ art (all his art is dope tho check him out yo), then reading the above explanation put the final nail in the coffin like, 100%

so i wanted to add onto his post here on why this ship got me so fucked up, both for anyone who might be wondering why on earth i’m shipping two characters from a kid’s show (i’m very aware how weird that is at first glance trust me) and also so i can get some ideas down for possible future reference (will i ever draw them? maybe)

(first of all, a disclaimer, and this is not pleasant to write but it’s important to address for clarity’s sake: I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships between minors, and do not ship zim and dib as they are presented canonically in the show (as children). what i’m interested in is the conceptualized relationship they may have as modern adults, and i view zadr more as taking the concepts of existing characters and experimenting with them with different interpretations, which i personally think is a constructive and fun creative outlet, especially if these characters hold personal significance for you (childhood faves of course). growing up together is an important facet of their relationship, and certainly they were important to each other even as children (see: mopiness of doom) but as an adult i’m personally curious about what kind of adults they might’ve become, and that’s the focus of my interest. i’ll still be reblogging regular IZ art because it’s dope but if you see shippy looking art of them as tiny lil beans its either friendship or chibis (and i personally headcanon zim as getting taller with dib but some people stick with his canonical height when drawing them as adults, which is super short. it still doesn’t mean he’s a kid). aaand i wish i didnt have to write this and it would just be obvious but we live in a sick sad world and it is sourced from a children’s cartoon so i feel its necessary. end of disclaimer)

NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY

- ok, first reason’s a bit obvious - the nostalgia. holy hell, the feeling of rediscovering a ship that was popular when i was a preteen during the mid 2000s and discovering a totally new perspective on it as an adult comes with an almost totally overwhelming sense of nostalgia and comfort, as well as inspiration!! the kind of art that seems so common for zadr, these sketch pages of scenes and expressions and visual gags where artists would just scribble every idea they had and LOVE doing it, this was exactly the kind of art that made me so passionate about drawing as a kid, and it still sparks such a powerful feeling of love and admiration for me to this day. fan content of iz and zadr is simultaneously achingly familiar and totally new and fascinating, and it just makes me SO damn happy to consume, it is most definitely my new comfort content. and just, GOD. THE ART!! SO GOOD. FUCK

- now for the characters themselves: for some reason i just really love the thought of a mid twenties, modern Dib?? lanky goth dork, disaster bi, depressed as shit, uses bad sweaters and memes to cope?? when i was a kid i didn’t even LIKE Dib, but now i totally sympathize with him! he’s just a hyper obsessive nerd wishing there was more to life than the situation he got stuck with, how wildly relatable. he was a pretty big asshole as a kid (even to people besides zim) but he was also totally isolated and constantly bullied, so there’s a lot of room for growth. i feel there’s a lot of juicy character development potential for that boy, and there’s always been a special place in my heart for characters who are totally sad and screwed and hopeless, but there’s one thing, or person, that means the world to them and could possibly save them…

- aliens. Zim. i love nonhuman characters, i love monsters, i love aliens, i love characters that don’t understand human shit (and thus have much less room for shame or fear bc theyre just totally oblivious the negatives of modern society) and need guidance (bonding!!) from their human. i also love morally grey characters and characters with skewed logic, they’re always really interesting, and Zim himself just has such a unique personality and set of mannerisms, he contradicts himself a lot and you can never quite expect how he’ll behave, and i love that in a character, it makes them super versatile and fun, especially since there’s so many different possibilities for their development. Also, Zim is a gremlin, a little shit, and a disaster. I also love those traits in a character. And don’t even get me started on his character design?? big sparkly eyes? expressive antennae? monster teeth? complimenting colors? he’s adorable.

- mutual obsession. for someone like Dib, who seems almost repulsed by how boring and slow the people around him are, Zim quite literally personifies Dib’s  escapist fantasies, both as an inhuman entity from beyond the stars, and as a person who’s knowledge, charisma and mystery far exceeds that of anyone Dib has met in his entire life. (so basically what i’m saying is that for a shunned, jaded misanthropist, an actual alien is terribly alluring, even if said alien is dangerous, stupid, and possibly insane). not to mention Zim vindicates Dib’s entire life passion, the supernatural! Even when their relationship is totally negative, there is not a single inch of room for Dib to get tired of Zim. as mita explained, they validate each other. for Zim, WHO AGAIN, IS TOTALLY SHUNNED, ISOLATED, AND HATED BY EVERYONE HE KNOWS, Dib is the only person in the universe who gives a single shit about him!! he gives Zim credit as a threat, a capable invader, which if you ask me is the sole thing Zim is after (he’s hellbent on his mission because it would win him the approval of the tallest, all he’s ever wanted is recognition from the people he thinks so highly of). He literally gets depressed when Dib isn’t around to pay attention to him, not even the tallest were enough to motivate him before Dib came back. these two have no one and nothing without each other, and while lifelong nemeses is fine and dandy, i personally prefer friendship, affection and love, cause i’m a softie like that. how could they possibly get there after years of actively trying to kill each other?? well, i think under just the right circumstances it could become a possibility after a long, long time.

- growth. i. love. me. some. good. character growth. especially for characters with trauma/mental illness, bc again, relatable. these boys have issues, and as mita mentioned, their canon stories are actually INCREDIBLY sad! but the happy thought is, they could recover! they could help each other recover, for little reason other than the two are the only source of happiness for each other. now of course this also opens the gate for angst lovers, but at the same time offers potential for comforting, uplifting content of the boys supporting and inspiring each other, maybe even to the point of becoming happy and healthy enough to create the lives they want for themselves (as in appreciating life and doing things that make them actually happy instead of the delusions of grandeur they both sought when they were younger). gimme that positive shit and let the poor beans be happy  щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

- LITTLE THINGS. LITTLE THINGS THAT ONLY COME WITH CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. WITH HUMAN/NONHUMAN. WITH THE SHOW’S WEIRD LOGIC. Zim being the person Dib knows best and vice versa. Zim having an involuntary respect/admiration for Dib because he’s tall. Learning each other’s needs, limits, and communication methods, both emotionally and biologically. Sensitive antennae. Affectionate bickering. Being less insecure bc your partner literally has no idea why you see your flaws as flaws. Laughing at the flaws they do notice because they make no sense. Zim only wanting to eat waffles and chow mein. Dib being forced to overcome his depression lethargy and stay hygienic/keep the apartment clean because Zim has a sharper sense of smell and is afraid of germs. Endless conversation about anything and everything because they’re from literally different worlds, and endless intrigue. TOUCHING. TALKING. DOING EVERYTHING LIKE ITS THE VERY FIRST TIME AND ALWAYS NEEDING THE OTHER TO GUIDE THEM. HOLY HELL THERE IS SO MUCH POSSIBILITY FOR TINY LITTLE MOMENTS THAT MEAN THE WORLD. FUCK. GOT ME FUCKED UP.

so that wraps up the why. fuck man. its just such a good ship. if you read this big ass text post, thank you for indulging me, i hope you enjoyed it! because i enjoy it very much 👀 so stick around if you’d like to for a shit load of IZ and zadr content on this blog, possibly (MAYBE) even from me!! come roll around in alien hell with me why dontcha ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ its a fun time! thanks for reading!!!

-

SO THAT’S MY MANIFESTO Y’ALL, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH YOUR OWN REASONS!! I WOULD LOVE FOR THIS POST TO JUST BECOME A BIG GIANT PILE OF LOVE AND YELLING!! GO NUTS! SCREAM ABOUT IT! INFODUMP! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I’LL READ EVERY LAST REPLY! Y’ALL DESERVE TO ENJOY YOUR SHIP BC IT’S LITERALLY THE FUCKING BEST!!! LOVE Y’ALL!!!!!!

[thekytchensynk]

To Be a Hero (Fictober Prompt 10)

Prompt number: 10

Fanfiction Fandom: My Hero Academia

Rating: G

Warnings: None

Read the story on AO3

Even though the doctor promises that their child has a quirk, for a long time, Neito’s parents aren’t so sure.

They try to give it time. After all, their own quirks aren’t the sort you can see in a child either. Her hyper-eidetic memory could be useful, but was a little hard to notice at first. His ability to tell the exact temperature of anything he touched had to wait at least until the child had the ability to talk and a working understanding of temperature beyond “hot” and “cold.”

But as he headed off to kindergarten, where his classmates were all showing off their nascent abilities, it quickly became clear he didn’t have either of their quirks. And all they could do when he came home asking about it one day was reassure him that the doctor said so, and his ability must just be special, and waiting for him to be ready.

It is three months into the school year before his teacher puts in a tentative call to them. Yes, he’s a bit of a handful, but aren’t they all at that age. Anyway, we’ve been considering whether to call you about this for a while. Yes, we wanted to be sure. For weeks, he has been exhibiting signs of a quirk. No, it’s a little different. It only lasts a few seconds and there was never any consistency. But yesterday was the third time it happened, and we noticed it always matched the quirks of his classmates. No, we’re not sure what it means, but we figured you should know, since you may not be seeing it at home. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Good night.

His parents are thrilled, until family gatherings start to get … distant. Oh, sometimes it’s normal. His grandfather swings him up into his arms and asks about school. Two of his cousins join him in a game of tag in the backyard. But his aunt steps subtly to the side when he runs by, and asks her children to sit quietly instead of joining in the games like usual.

He doesn’t much notice -- tag is tag -- but his parents do.

“It’s not that I don’t love him,” she explains to her sister later when questioned about avoiding Neito. “He’s my nephew. But it’s just … it’s weird, isn’t it? What if it gets stronger when he gets older? It’s copying now, but what if someday he … It’s just … I’m sorry. It’s just weird.”

His parents don’t think it’s weird. They think it’s amazing, a morphing of their two quirks in a completely unexpected way. And their boy is outgoing and self-sure and maybe a little bossy but they love watching him taking on the world.

Doing his assigned chores after school is something that 7-year-old Monoma doesn’t mind, of course. But it’s boring, and he likes talking to his friends --to anyone really -- and sometimes he loses track of time. So today he’s sweeping out the cubbyholes in the back alone, the rest of the students having already finished and fled for the greener fields of the sunny outdoors. His teacher sits at his desk at the front, supervising in name, but mostly grading papers.

The silence settles like an uncomfortable weight on Monoma, so he does what he assumes anyone would -- he fills it. Tells his teacher about the great rescue he saw on TV the other day. How he cut out the picture from the newspaper the next day, and has it plastered next to his desk at home. How he’s going to be a hero too, someday.

When Monoma mentions UA, he thinks he knows what to expect -- the eyebrow raise, the thinning of the mouth, the amused chuckle that so many adults have when he talks about being a hero. But instead, the teacher smiles down at the papers he’s working on.

“Interested in taking a hero course?”

“Yeah!”

The teacher considers this a moment. Nods. “I think that’s a great idea.”

A great idea? No chuckle? The teacher thinks it’s a great idea? Monoma can’t stop the grin. See? At least someone knows it’s not impossible!

“I think a lot of agencies would love to have a sidekick with a power like yours,” the teacher continues, making notes on the sheet in front of him. “They could have two of anyone they needed on site, depending on what the situation called for. You could be very useful!”

“Sidekick?” Monoma’s grin fades. What’s this man talking about? Sidekick. He’s definitely hero material.

The teacher nods. “You always have trouble with the new powers when you pick them up, but if you were working with the same people all the time, you-”

“Wait, I haven’t had an accident in a long time!” He hates that the teachers call losing control of a quirk “having an accident” like he’s a baby who wet his pants. But it’s the word they use, and so he does too.

The teacher looks up, and the sudden move puts a stop to the childish defense. “I know. I know you’re trying and I know you don’t mean to.” And he’s right. Monoma tries not to let it bother him, but he’s right on all counts. New quirks are hard to control when he first gets them. He goes at the last cubby with an extra vengeance, dust particles flying.

“Yours is a difficult quirk,” that voice continues. “And that’s just a limitation it has. I know it’s tough, but better that you accept it now and focus on what you can do. Which is still quite a lot.”

The teacher is trying to be encouraging, but all Monoma can hear is how stupid this man is. How he’s talking down to his student like... like a child! Which, sure, he is technically, but a teacher shouldn’t talk like that! Isn’t he supposed to encourage the best in them?

“Of course, you’ll have to work hard.” The teacher doesn’t even notice as Monoma’s fingers curl harder around the little brush handle, nails biting into his palms as he tromps over to the garbage can and tips the dust in. “And UA may be … a little ambitious. With your grades, you’ll have a hard time getting into the big-name ones. There’s still time though, if you study harder.”

The teacher looks up then, and on seeing his student’s face, his expression grows somewhat softer. “Hey, don’t worry about it,” he says, clearly still trying to be encouraging even though he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it at all. “If you work hard, I’m sure you can succeed anywhere you’re accepted.”

Objectively, someone on the outside might have recognized that the teacher could be right. All quirks have limits, and this could very well be his. But in that room, at that moment, Monoma decides he’s wrong, foolishly and completely wrong. The limitation isn’t with his quirk, his quirk is awesome. The limitation must therefore be with Monoma himself, and if that’s the case … well, he just needs to get over it.

And act like a hero.

Putting on his best grin, Monoma says, “Thanks! I’m sure I can too.”

It becomes a weekend tradition -- he goes to the park, or to a mall, or just out on the street and he introduces himself to at least a dozen people. He shakes their hands and thanks them and leaves them mystified as he walks off again. And then he concentrates.

Quirks come in an infinite variety, and he can feel each one in a range of ways. He used to try to explain to people what their quirks felt like, but the strange looks he got weren’t worth it. Besides, they felt their own quirk all the time. They probably couldn’t even distinguish it anymore. It was just part of the landscape of their sensation every day.

But Monoma can, and the feel can tell him how careful he has to be with a quirk, how on guard, how controlled.

His mother’s quirk is squared off and pale, with rigid edges and infinite possibility. It’s supportive and steady and predictable. It also takes very little to control, which is good because he borrows it from her regularly.

Father’s feels different -- it’s a ball of red that sits in the middle of his chest, in the warmest part of his body, and when he reaches for something, it extends a tendril out to his fingertips. It feels alive within him, like a sleepy cat reaching a paw out for a stray kibble.

And over time he learns that’s the first thing to look for -- how alive it feels. Because some quirks want to be used more than others. There’s an electricity to them, an energy that beats against him like a caged butterfly.

He never forgets the day the kind lady with the gray hair and the welcoming smile shakes his hand and he borrows what feels like a cat made of fire. It burns and batters at his ribs and he guesses it shows on his face because her smile fades and she asks, “Are you all right, little boy? Is your mother here?”

I’m fine, he tries to say, but the heat is burning at his throat and he feels like if he does speak, if he relaxes his attention for even that long, it’s going to get out. He darts off, not even hearing whether or not she calls after him. He just runs, runs until there’s no one around and he’s in the grimy but uncluttered alley between two stores on a street he’s not sure of. And here finally, he tries harnessing that animal in him. It feels hot, so he expects fire when he reaches out.

Nothing happens. The maelstrom within rages, but he can’t figure out how to focus it and use it. His fingertips feel hot -- burning -- and he presses then to the wall just to feel the cool of the shadowed stone.

He doesn’t expect them to sink straight in.

But the stone melts under his fingers, and at the same time the power switches -- from a wild cat trapped somewhere it doesn’t want to be to a watchful one, laser-focused on some small animal. With the power having an outlet, it becomes more ordered, but it’s also melting a building and it’s using his fingers to do it, so he pulls them back. But the moment he does, it feels restless again and begins badgering for freedom.

He forces himself to walk slowly, head down and fingers splayed, until the time runs out and the quirk disappears. And it’s hard not to just run home afterward and hide in his room. There’s always next weekend. Another new quirk.

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t because he can’t.

Because the weakness in himself won’t disappear if he hides in his room.

Because he refuses to just be a sidekick.

And because he thinks next time he gets a wild quirk like that he may have a better idea of how to harness it.

He’s 11 when he finally really, truly understands the difference between himself and All Might.

It isn’t Sara’s fault that she still comes to school in last year’s worn out, slightly-too-small uniforms. Kids don’t buy the uniforms, their parents do. Any idiot should know that. But three idiots are following her down the sidewalk after school, loudly making comments to one another about the slight stains. About the way it strains around her shoulders. About her appearance in general. As she speeds up, they speed up too. When she finally has enough and whirls on them, they all raise an eyebrow at her. “What?” The ringleader asks in faux innocence, and she, frustrated, turns and starts stomping down the sidewalk again.

It’s not right. And before he really realizes what he’s doing, he has run across the distance between them and placed himself in the space between the bullies and their target.

“Stop it,” he demands, staring the trio down. “Leave her alone.”

They pause, surprised by his sudden appearance. But none of them look particularly bothered by it. The ringleader -- a wiry boy with a wry grin -- again speaks for the group.

“What’re you going to do about it?” he asks, voice inquisitive.

There’s not really a good answer. He hasn’t really thought that far ahead. So he does what he thinks a hero would do. He balls his hands into fists and says, “I’ll stop you.”

The ringleader exchanges looks with his two friends -- his large, stocky bodyguard buddy on the left and then the lanky, hunched hanger-on on the right -- then looks lazily back at his new target. Monoma, who struggles in gym class and can feel his legs quavering beneath him, isn’t a fan of the look.

A nod seems to be the signal. The bodyguard takes a step forward, his own fingers tightening. Then he lunges.

The musclehead is also 11, and from his hiss of pain, it seems like he hurts himself as well somehow when he punches Monoma in the face. But Monoma can’t really be sure because somehow he’s on the ground and his face hurts and his palms sting and his ears are full of a high, whining noise and he can see the shadow of the ringleader falling over him like a shroud.

“I said, what’re you going to do about it?” the kid asks again. Then, as a bit of punctuation, spits out, “loser.”

Monoma half expects the kid to kick him, but he doesn’t. The group just leaves. He’s apparently not even worth messing with beyond this, and as he lays on the ground, he’s not sure whether to be insulted or relieved.

His unwillingness to explain his bruises and scrapes clearly worries his parents. If he had a mindreading quirk to hand, he might have known about how in that bruise, they saw the harsher echoes of family members who refused to treat their Neito like any other child, of parental fears of cruelty and misunderstanding.

But he can’t see any of that, so when his parents enroll him in judo classes, he guesses they think he’s picking fights and they want him to learn discipline. Which he tries to tell them he doesn’t need. But as long as he won’t explain what actually happened, he supposes he can’t blame them for their mistake.

Judo classes are fun, but by the third one, he starts to get mysterious stomach aches right before they leave. His parents don’t press him after the second session he misses, and he’s sure they have their own thoughts about why he doesn’t want to go. But he expects their guess is wrong.

There are a lot of cool things about him -- it’s actually awesome how awesome he is -- but even the best things have a few drawbacks. And Monoma can’t deny that he has a certain … problem … with impulse control.

It’s like … he has it. Of course he has impulse control. But sometimes, it can be hard to maintain it. He finds thoughts slipping out in words before he even realizes it. He doesn’t usually care about that. But this time, it would be different.

Because whenever he touches one of his classmates, to help them stretch or whatever, there’s that temptation. The temptation to see what their power is like.

It’s not just the practice for his quirk. Neito likes people. Finds most of them fascinating. Tries to understand them, even ones he doesn’t enjoy being around. And there’s always something interesting about seeing what a person’s quirk is, what it feels like. Because all too often, it tells him something about the person.

But he still hasn’t perfected his ability to immediately harness any new quirk. So there’s a chance he might completely disrupt a class without even meaning to. But even knowing that, he can feel that ...that itch in the back of his head urging him on.

So he stops the lessons. Better to avoid the temptation.

Monoma finds most people fascinating, but there are exceptions. In every situation, there are strong people and weak ones.

And he hates bullies.

It’s certainly not personal. How could he possibly be so base as to carry a grudge over being picked on for his quirk, for his way of speaking, for the zealous way he tries to uplift the people he likes and respects? Utter foolishness. It doesn’t even cross his mind. Not once! He can handle whatever they throw at him. Definitely.

But it’s unfair for others. And he doesn’t like it.

Because if you already have strength, using it just to put people down, to hurt them and belittle them? What’s even the point? You already have the power in a situation.

And that makes it hard to admit that he might need to study them.

Because some of them are just brutes, people whose strength is in their fists and their feet. But some of them are a little more insidious. They see the weak points, or dig them up, and attack those points, crumbling their target’s defenses and putting them off balance which makes them all the easier to take advantage of.

It’s a hard thing for him to pick apart because it means paying attention to some truly awful people. But he sticks with it. Because All Might shows that strength in your fists or feet can be a force for good. And Monoma thinks, maybe this can too.

He’s never had a problem speaking his mind, to anyone. He’s been called “blunt” or “mouthy” or “an idiot” (the last one, he resents. The rest …. eh.) And as the end of middle school approaches and the weight of trying to get into UA hangs over his head, the question occupies his mind more and more. How can I be a hero? How can I help people?

He’s gained more control over his quirk -- he can hold more than one now, and “accidents” barely ever happen. But he knows it’s not enough. Because unlike basically everyone else trying to be a hero, he never knows what tools he’ll have at any given moment. His quirk is never going to be enough on its own. He needs more. And since he’s long since learned that the “something else” is unlikely to be physical, it’ll have to be mental. So he’s watched, and learned, and both fears and hopes for the day when he gets to try it.

It comes near the end of his final year of middle school. As he prepares to head home, he sees Ringleader and his henchmen (Bodyguard and Hanger-On) outside trying to “borrow” money for something from a classmate. So Monoma gets to work.

A couple minutes later, he walks up just as the trio is about to walk off, cash in hand. “Hey fellas,” he says, stepping in front of them and putting his all into sounding as familiar and casual as possible.

It bugs Ringleader. Monoma can see it in the narrowing of his eyes. “Whacha want, Hero?” he asks.

That word -- hero -- is a slur on Ringleader’s lips, but Monoma lets his grin get bigger. He puts his arms out to the sides in a sort-of shrug, phone in one hand. “Awww, don’t be like that! It sucks that you probably won’t be getting into any of those schools with the baseball teams you really admired, but hey! Sometimes life is just cruel, right? I just wanted to extend my sympathy.”

Any good humor Ringleader had from scoring money off their classmate (who has wisely retreated from the fuse Monoma has lit) is gone now. “Where’d you hear that?” he demands.

“Oh, nowhere special. Just around.” But Monoma takes a chance, looking down, then letting his eyes dart briefly over to Hanger-On.

On a normal day, at a normal time, probably Ringleader wouldn’t fall for this. But first he got irritated, then he got paranoid, and now he sees that sly glance and as Monoma hoped, he rounds on Hanger-On. “What did you say?” He demands, voice low.

It takes a second for the kid to even realize he’s being addressed. Once he does, his eyes go wide, his hands go up, and while he’s utterly sincere, he’s made himself a picture of deflection and deception in the paranoid eyes of his boss. “What? No, Watari, I didn’t say anything, I swear. He’s lying.”

“So how is this getting around the school?” Ringleader growls. Ignoring the fact that he’d been bitching about this to his friends loud and often enough last week that several people had overheard it while waiting for their rides after school. It hadn’t even taken much asking around for Monoma to find someone willing to spill the “secret.”

But even if Hanger-On is thinking that, there is no way to say it without just making Ringleader mad, so he wisely chooses the better part of valor and books it across the schoolyard.

Ringleader makes like he might go after the kid, then lets out a disgusted “Tch” and turns back to Monoma. “And I don’t know why you thought this was a smart thing to do, but now I’m in a bad mood. Get out of our way.”

Monoma keeps grinning. “Aww, sure! Just give that guy his money back and we’re done.” His voice drops a bit and he leans forward to say, “And hey, if the words i’m using are too big, just let me know. I’d hate to let your limited vocabulary get in the way of this reaching a friendly resolution.”

He thinks it’s the grin more than the words that do it, but Ringleader’s last nerve snaps. He doesn’t even say anything, just nods, and Bodyguard steps forward.

Here goes.

Monoma raises both hands, palms out, and invokes the quirk that’s tingling in his fingertips. A brilliant light pulses from his palms, brighter than a camera flash, and only slightly blocked by the phone he pinches between his right thumb and forefinger. This quirk comes courtesy of an underclassman named Gin who Monoma had clapped on the shoulder before coming outside.

Ringleader reels back, cursing and covering his eyes. Bodyguard’s reaction is less pronounced, but he does also squeeze his eyes closed, and his suddenly unguided attack swings wide of Monoma.

That’s the setup. And now, the closer.

As his hands begin messing with his phone, he lets go of the light quirk and switches to Sara’s own little quirk, which he feels like a cool mist in his throat.

“Wait, please don’t hit me,” Monoma puts a little fear into the words. And he uses her ventriloquism quirk to place the sound directly between Bodyguard and Ringleader.

Bodyguard is all instinct and primed for helping his buddy, so the expected swing comes like clockwork. Connects. Monoma has the camera up as Ringleader goes down. And it’s here that he finally lets himself relax a little. Ringleader’s quirk makes a small sphere of darkness. It wasn’t likely to change how this interaction went, but it could have. He’s glad he didn’t have to react to it. Rethinking the plan in the middle doesn’t sound at all good. Not yet.

He checks on Ringleader (He’s sure being punched hard enough to be knocked out can’t be great for the guy), but once he’s sure he’s still breathing and stuff, he backs out of Bodyguard’s range and messes with his phone some more.

Eventually Bodyguard focuses on Ringleader lying on the ground in a way that suggests he can see at last. Monoma sees a teacher hurrying out of the school, and decides it’s now or never.

“That was a heck of a punch,” he says, waggling his phone in one hand. “Can’t wait to show our friend Watari.”

Bodyguard makes like he’s going to go for Monoma again, but the teacher’s voice cuts through the schoolyard like a breaking branch. “Yuuto!” And he stops mid-move, settling for glaring at him instead.

“You can’t.”

“No? Well, how about this,” Monoma says, tapping the corner of his phone against his own cheek. “You lay off our classmates until graduation and I won’t. Two weeks. Deal?”

“...Deal,” the guy says through gritted teeth.

The teacher sends another student for the nurse, to help Ringleader, then marches Monoma and Bodyguard into the school, to the principal. Bodyguard goes first, probably because between Monoma with his slim frame and “useless” quirk or Bodyguard with his quirk that increases the weight of his hands and feet, it’s not much of a guess to figure out which one had knocked out Ringleader. He listens to them talking about how someone with a quirk like his needs to be extra careful. How he needs to stop picking fights and thinking about his future. That they should maybe suspend him, and only his protestations that it was an accident seem to earn him some leeway. Blah blah blah. Monoma tries to tune it out as he waits for his turn in the wringer.

When Bodyguard finally leaves the principal’s office, he doesn’t even glance at Monoma.

The teacher and the principal ask him questions, which are easy enough to answer.

No, he didn’t hit anyone.

Yes, they were picking on someone and he stepped in to help that person.

Yes, he thought they were going to hurt him so he used the flash quirk. That was why he picked it up before intervening -- so he could defend himself if they decided to do anything.

They don’t ask him how Bodyguard ended up clocking his best friend -- they must now believe his assertion that it was just a mistake when he couldn’t see. Instead, he gets much the same lecture as Bodyguard, just dressed in different clothes. You can’t get in fights like this, you’re only going to get yourself in trouble. You need to think about your future and what you can do. You may mean well, but you keep causing trouble.

He knows they want him to look contrite and chastened, but he can’t. He didn’t do anything wrong. So he just listens, nodding at the appropriate moments, and lets most of the criticism wash over him. He does apologize for using a quirk out on the schoolyard -- he knows that’s not allowed, he agrees -- but other than that he’s just waiting for it to be over.

Because he knows part of what they’re trying to tell him is, stop wanting to be a hero. But that’s never going to happen.

UA, here he comes.

[daikenkki]

MrDonald09: Since Series 22, what new change has annoyed you the MOST??

tttedrawings: Fantasy sequences and the intro/life lessons outro, they just make the episodes shorter, and most of the time aren't really needed at all.

MrDonald09: Ah yes unfortunately you can only have 4 options on Twitter polls, I’m sure the list would be huge if you could have more.

MasonDey1: To me the whole concept of the Steam Team is just pointless.

MrDonald09: Yeah it limits the characters that are used most of the time.

PSideplates: I voted for bouncing since it's closest to the general "kids show" tone that BWBA takes on. It really is like watching a show you put on for your 3 year old so you can leave the room in peace. It hurts to watch. If we were getting the Brenner era where the engines bounced, had ugly details, went worldwide, and got Nia and Rebecca, I'd be miffed but accept it. But BWBA just claims to be TTTE and acts like a generic preschool show. And I don't wanna be in a position where I'm an adult watching a preschool show.

MrDonald09: Agreed. I feel proud to be a fan when I watch classic era and Brenner era, but if it was like BWBA throughout the whole show I can tell you I would not be supporting it now.

TCKRangeltoon: I blame Chuggington.

PSideplates: I don't. Chuggington ended before they came up with BWBA. If anything, Chuggington made the market for train toys/shows competitive which forced HiT to make good Thomas products, well toys anyway.

ronniethe14xx: Honestly, disagree with the point it's the most general kids show tone. Travelling seems to be the new hip and cool thing to do in kids shows, I'd argue that makes it slightly worse then the bouncing because it's clear Thomas only jumped on that trend to be "hip".

JovanniChavez11: Faster pace and Thomas losing his identity. I don’t mind Thomas going on a trip but that wasn’t the way to handle it.

MrDonald09: Yes. IMO it should have stopped after the BWBA special, I think it should have only been a special.

Bostonthomasfan: Don’t really mind the bouncing but it can be over done at times. For around the world? I wish there were more episodes on Sodor and less around the world. Like 18-8 would be good.

MikeArc31375512: The bouncing. Loathe it with a passion.

ThomasTVNostal1: The thing I hate is constant arguing over opinions.Some people have been told to fuck themselves for disliking an episode of BWBA that the majority of the fandom likes and vice versa. This is unacceptable. As a fandom, we're a team and we help each other out.

ChillerB3: The forced feminism with Nia, Rebecca and the newer Steam Team really rubbed me the wrong way, more than hyper bouncing and worldwide shit did.

MrDonald09: Same, especially how the majority of the audience really doesn’t care about that, having more females, great! but don’t mess with many people’s childhood to make SJWs and toxic feminists happy cuz I guarantee you the people who wanted this change probably don’t even like the show.

ryanburges4472: I didn't read properly and the real thing since Series 22 that has annoyed me the most is the bouncing. I've been more bothered about the steam team without Henry (Just Henry). I'm happy with Edward sleeping at Wellsworth.

MrDonald09: Yeah, I completely agree honestly i’m not mad that Edward isn’t in the Steam Team anymore. It's Henry that annoys me the most.

ryanburges4472: I know! Gordon and James sleeping at Tidmouth without Henry. Edward is best at Wellsworth because he has a branch line which stars from Wellsworth.

CoolCar161: Henry and Edward stopped appearing as much anyway. They haven’t been good characters since series 4, even in the Brenner era they had little to no appearances due to writer's block. Rivets is a nice little detail that makes them seem more real, Thomas always wanted to see the world and the bouncing is hardly that bad.

TheBlueE21: Thomas' world tour. It's so inconsistent. Doesn't tie into the movie that hyped it up, never explains why or for how long Thomas is in each country, 1 ep he's in China, then Brazil etc then Sodor eps act as though he never left due to always being there. Plus most sets aren't great.

halfbakedhex8: For the record, I voted the 'rivets' option because the inclusion of the new detailing runs so counter to what the show is now, that trying to inflict reality onto the now-very-unreal engines feels very confused as to what the show is trying to achieve.

BluebellThEngin: The "bouncing" doesn't bother me much at first, but as time went on, it starts to get a little out of control and it kinda bugs me. I don't have a problem with the added details like the rivets, but they do look a little too big. Shrink them in size and they'll be okay. I'm mixed on Thomas travelling around the world if I'm being honest. The new Steam Team is what bugs me the most out of all of these options. I never liked it to begin with (minus my child self). It makes the other characters look useless. What I love about the Classic Series is we got lots of stories about almost each and every single one of them it makes the series interesting. But with the Steam Team, not only does it focus on the main characters so much, but it also brings them out of character. Especially if it's for the sake of the plots.

fan_ttte: The New Steam Team with Nia and Rebecca is what I don’t like most. I don’t mind the bouncing or rivets, Thomas going worldwide is okay. I don't know, I just feel like it would’ve been better if Nia and Rebecca did join, but also keep the others, for some interesting interactions and episodes.

islandofodor: If Thomas hadn’t gone worldwide, we’d probably still be in the Brenner era. Granted, it’d still be a slight step down but the international episodes barely take advantage of the different setting and opt to use generic plotlines that we’ve already seen on Sodor.

thesaddletank18: Bouncing, rivets and worldwide idea are bad but the new Steam Team is just....why was this done to the show?

Jacob34335638: I liked the new details, I’m mixed on the New Steam Team, and Thomas travelling the world. But the bouncing is what pisses me off the most, it literally makes the show look like Chuggington. The bouncing was at it’s worst in Journey Beyond Sodor and Thomas’ Magical Birthday Wishes.

TWR_Douglas_10: ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!!!

DFox1203: Is everything an option?

TheWinnerGuyCJP: Voted worldwide cuz it makes Thomas completely out of character.

SoupyGunzilla: I think a lot of the stories suffer from the shorter time. A lot of them could be better if they had more time.

kofi_milky: The bouncing, more sing alongs, replacing Edward and Henry with Nia and Rebecca. Even Thomas going worldwide. When the Rev. W. Awdry said "Here is your friend Thomas the Tank Engine. He wanted to come out of his station yard and see the world", the world that's he meant is Sodor.

sodordaily: Choosing New Steam Team because I miss the old SO MUCH!

peter_sam_no4: I think for me the bouncing as it’s so unrealistic . A 1 ton lump of metal can not swing all over the place like it has no weight.

Growlithemaste1: I hate the bouncing the most, but the rest are all useless too.

sixteen_dnw: Worst is the New Steam Team, then worldwide, then rivets, and then bouncing. TBH it doesn’t bother me too much.

BearsFlush: It annoys me that Thomas travels the world, as they remove chapters that might be focus on Sodor, and the locations and some engines are not represented correctly on the railroad.

VacentTest: I’m fine with the New Steam Team changing Edward and Henry out for Nia and Rebecca, I’ve always supported it in the beginning because increased feminism is good. Thomas going worldwide, that didn’t annoy me cause I was interested in that, the rivets is minor and nothing to worry about. But the bouncing, annoyed me the most at first but I’m used to it.

SnatchyBoi: The bouncing and the New Steam Team.

GWREngine: The New Steam Team is the most annoying change. It feels like Mattel doesn't care how special Edward, Henry, and Toby are. Plus we don't need to have more than 1 female main character. Emily being the only girl used to make her special. With Nia and Rebecca around, she isn't special anymore.

TurnTable2002: Chris Renshaw's music really annoys me.

MichaelfromNZ1: Bouncing, worldwide and New Steam Team. They represent how far Thomas has fallen since Mattel fully took over.

ArmchairRailway: New Steam Team.

TI4MGP: This is probably the hardest time I’ve had deciding on one of your polls lol. I went with the Steam Team though, but bouncing comes in a REALLY REALLY close second. The other two are less but equal with each other.

jack_bench: TBH, I'm fine with all of them? But I chose bouncing because the rivets are neat, world-tour - while it makes no sense - has a valuable goal (and is kinda fun), and the Steam Team really needed more female representation which we got with two positive role models in Nia and Rebecca. Bouncing is unnecessary, but not horrendous.

Holycro1Michael: Everything!

JosefSnowBall: Rivets was something I actually liked seeing on some engines. Bouncing is something I’m OK with, it’s kind of grown on me. New Steam Team sucks because it gets rid of the 2 best engines, Edward and Henry, and Thomas worldwide sounded like a bad idea to begin with.

TheThomasFan: Probably Thomas going worldwide . The animation is shit and it’s all just recoloured.

TheUnluckyTug: The new Steam Team. I think I'd be a little more accepting of BWBA if Edward and Henry weren't so transparently and obviously thrown to the side and treated as if they don't exist. It was like the biggest "fuck you" to fans ever.

MrDonald09: Yeah, not to mention Nia and Rebecca have such generic personalities they can barely hold a unique episode nowadays. I can understand Edward staying at Wellsworth but they did Henry DIRTY by slapping him at Vicarstown so he can focus on his Mainland duties yet not do any episode focused on this new job.

SteamEn83954980: Ok so ignoring Emily, it was a perfect 1-7 number of characters and now it's just 1, 18, 22, 4, 5, 6 and 12. Like I know it's minor but that fact gets under my skin.

DBlue02: I voted for the bouncing, but yeah, I kinda have to agree with Simon Martin’s opinion on the Steam Team concept, it’s long since overstayed its welcome. I’d prefer a nice balance of the main and side characters getting their share of the spotlight, like in the classic seasons.

TFan512: What if Edward, Henry, Nia and Rebecca were all part of the main cast.

[yukipri]

So I’m back from the dead (literally). A Goodbye Message.

Hey there. Some of you may remember me.

Some of you may have wondered why I suddenly stopped posting, but the vast majority of you probably didn’t even notice, as is how it is. ^ ^;

I’m finally back, and it wasn’t an easy journey getting back.

Here’s what happened.

(Slightly long post, but please forgive me for not putting it under a cut, it’s sorta important)

On November 19th, I checked my blog as I always do, to learn that my blog was terminated.

No warning, no reason, suddenly BOOM gone. I’ve had this blog since spring 2012. It’s almost entirely sfw, I’ve always been hyper careful with tagging, and any questionable content has always been hosted on other platforms. Yet for some reason, I was one of many blogs caught up in what’s come to be known as the #TumblrPurge.

I followed all the steps. I emailed staff, first desperately, then more rationally, making my case. I figured that a bot had caught my blog, as I knew plenty of other more suspicious content blogs that were unharmed. At first there was hope, it’s just a glitch, it’s happening to a lot of people, they’ll give it back right away, some people have already gotten theirs back!

Nothing.

My methods of contacting followers were limited to my Patreon and Twitter, neither of which has much of a base. Followers who knew me on there were incredibly kind and supportive, and sometimes even reached out to staff on my behalf.

I didn’t want to spam, but I also was desperate. I emailed staff once a week. I tried using different categories. I tried adding attachments. My messages ranged from simple and succinct, to deeply personal and desperate.

I was honestly devastated. I spiraled into the worst depression I’ve ever been in. I could barely eat and vomited nonstop for a week. I gained 20 pounds in 2 weeks. I was completely out of control mentally, and even reached out to a psychiatrist friend in case I couldn’t handle it myself. I couldn’t draw, and thinking about projects that I once loved only hurt me more.

Talk about social media addiction, but I’ve legit never gone longer than a week without posting something for years, and especially since becoming a content creator, it felt sickening to not have the place where I drove myself to post constantly and consistently. It broke my schedule. It made me feel cut off from the world, and I felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I lost so many things with this blog. Yes, I was primarily a content creator, and while of course I had backups of all my art and some of my longer text posts, I lost so much more.

I lost, perhaps most importantly, all my interactions with my followers. I lost connections to so many people, people I hadn’t contacted in years and may not have even been active anymore, but who I always believed I would have this route back to. I lost memories, both online and of my personal life that I had recorded on here.

And as someone who unfortunately put so much of my identity and self-validation on my social media experience, I suddenly felt like I was absolutely nothing.

For the longest time, I thought I was su*cidal as a result of my depression (word bleeped out bc who knows what can get you flagged now). I certainly thought about death and dying daily.

But then, I realized what I was feeling wasn’t quite that. I didn’t feel like I wanted to die.

I felt like I was already dead.

Which, may sound like an exaggeration, but in terms of tumblr at least, it’s exactly the same. If I had died in rl, I would have dropped off the map, just like this. Suddenly stopped posting, no warning in advance. My blog may have existed, but in this case, no record of my existence even remained. To people who came looking for my url, I may as well have been dead. You wouldn’t have known any better.

Or who knows, maybe I was a criminal or had done something awful that resulted in my blog being removed. Maybe I had just had it with this site and had chosen to leave. Maybe I was just taking a much needed break. It would have been odd, since I prioritized communicating and always said when I needed a break, which was rarely ever. But either way, I had no way of telling any of you what had happened to me. My voice was gone.

Feeling like I was dead, after I recognized what I was feeling, was...disturbing, I guess. Kinda explained why I always felt like a corpse though.

(of course, feeling like I was dead contributed to thinking other things like maybe it’d be better if I really wasn’t around at all, but that’s a result, and not the main feeling.)

Anyway, I kept emailing staff, and I finally managed to come back. It took ten emails and over 2 months of waiting and wasting away and trying to come to terms with how I’m unlikely to get it back. I didn’t get my blog back until TODAY.

Now that I have come back, the landscape’s changed, as I had heard it had. They hadn’t even announced the adu*t content policy change when they terminated me. I honestly feel like I’m back in a world that’s moved on without me, and it’s made me feel very strongly how insignificant I was in the first place.

During my time being dead, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do. I regretted not doing my 25K follower giveaway sooner. I regretted not getting this or that content out. I regretted having kept certain long text posts and ask responses in my drafts yet unpublished.

But more than anything, I regretted not being able to say goodbye, and thank you all for my time here.

Yes, it’s had ups and downs, but tumblr was where I first found myself as an artist. Tumblr was what first made me interact with and find a group of people interested in what I created. Tumblr was where I was able to interact with those people, you. And I know I’ve had my ups and downs too, and different fandoms and different moods, but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for letting me be a part of your experience here, however big or small that experience may have been.

I also learned the dangers of immersing myself too deeply on one online platform. So much of myself had been poured into this one blog, this one blog that can disappear with a legit snap of staff’s fingers. (my twitter handle was “Got Thanos’d on Tumblr” for a good month lol) I used to think that’s what made my content valuable, that I poured so much love and thought and everything personal into it, that’s what made it special, but in the end oh so very damaging when it was ripped away. As someone who spent almost all my time online creating content, it was an awful reality pill I had to swallow, and I don’t want ANYONE experiencing the same thing I did.

So please. The takeaway here, if I can be a cautionary tale, is to be aware that an online identity is more unstable than you think it is. It can go POOF. I’m lucky to be here, and that staff finally responded, and that I had the masochism to continue emailing staff weekly no matter how much I felt like I should stop breathing afterwards.

Also, please, if you have people on this site you care about, whether it be a friend or someone you think is neat, anyone you will miss if they suddenly disappeared, please go connect with them in other places beyond this site, which may become increasingly unstable. This can be another social media if they have it, an email, a chatting platform, anything. Even if you personally don’t use it yet, create an account so you can find them when you can no longer access your account, or they can’t access theirs and they can find you. Don’t regret it like I did.

As for me, after all of this, I don’t know if I can post content on here again.

I’d gone well beyond hoping for another chance at this community. All I’ve been thinking about these past two months was how I would have wanted to say goodbye.

Now that I have my account back, I’m currently filled with more numbness and bitterness than any joy or relief. I don’t know if I can create content anymore for a platform that has hurt me so deeply, no matter how much its community means to me. This experience changed me, and I’ve taken damage that isn’t going to go away so easily.

As I think about what to do moving forward, for now, you can find me on my accounts that I WAS active on these past two months. They aren’t the same, but they were all I had.

If you read this message until the end, thank you.

Again, I might decide to post on here again. I might not. But for now, here’s again what I’ve been wanting to say for two months:

Thank you, Tumblr. And goodbye.

-Kazu

(yukipri.tumblr.com)

https://twitter.com/YukiPri_Art

https://www.patreon.com/YukiPri

[segadores-y-soldados]

Hero 30 needs a map

Long rambly thing. So I was feeling frustrated and a little hyper-fixated on OW earlier this afternoon because the game itself feels very dull right now.  My partner @starsherit - who I met through Overwatch - helped me work through my irritation, but they provided a perspective I literally had never thought about before:

There hasn’t been a post-launch hero who did not have a map.

Let me try to explain this a bit:

Plenty of launch heroes didn’t really have a specific map associated with them.  D.Va, Lúcio, Mei, Symmetra, Junkrat/Roadhog, even Reinhardt all come to mind.  That initially seemed fine: the developers were releasing both new heroes and new maps at a consistent pace.  First we had Ana, who was associated with the Temple of Anubis, and then Eichenwalde, which was also part of the first post-launch animation “The Last Bastion.”  

Then we had the Sombra ARG, Sombra’s release, and “Infiltration.”  These all occurred at Blizzcon 2016.

But then something a little odd happened.

The next map was Oasis.

And it was not...connected to any characters.

...Yet.

Like Ilios and Lijiang, Oasis initially was...“free-floating”.  Yes, it was coherent and consistent with the rest of the Overwatch universe, but it had no real ties to the main plot.  Eichenwalde at least had Balderich and the Crusader battle to ground it, but Oasis had nothing.

Except a single interaction:

Sombra: So what are we doing here, boss?

Reaper: I need to pay a visit to a friend.

And that led to a lot of speculation about who Reaper’s “friend” was, if Mercy was somehow associated with Oasis, etc.  But this was quickly lost in the hype over Numbani, Doomfist’s missing gauntlet, and the release of Orisa.  

Orisa was followed by Horizon Lunar Colony.

And that brought Hammond hype.

(You might see where I’m going with this.)

[TL;DR: Hero 30 is probably associated with the next map.  Based on the lore and fan reactions, this map is very likely a Vishkar-based map.  It’s possible the map might be something else, but Vishkar is currently the last “major” plotline (aside from Mercy’s story) to be explored.  A Vishkar map will advance the plot, give more lore to Lúcio and Symmetra, and likely provide teasers for Sanjay Korpal.]

After Horizon, Doomfist arrived.  The next map was Junkertown, which despite initial fandom reactions, actually contained hints about Hammond/Wrecking Ball that very few people picked up on (if that).

And then, with Blizzcon 2017, we got Moira.

Many people (who hadn’t picked up on the Reaper-Sombra interaction or her cameo in Masquerade) were very confused.  Where was Hammond (presumed by most of the fandom to be a chimp)?  Or the Junkertown Queen?  But those of us who had been waiting for Reaper’s “friend” to show up were ecstatic!  One full year later, Moira connected Oasis to the main plot!  There was a bunch of new lore details on the map to dig into!  It was an exciting time.  Sure, yeah, there was also the cute new map Blizzard World, but it felt like an afterthought.

Come around to early 2018.  Brigitte was released and she effectively killed Dive comp at most casual levels, while slowly encouraging the rise of GOATS.  The first new map of the year was Rialto, made specifically for Retribution, and then turned into a payload map (with a whole bunch of balancing problems).  But no one needed a story for Rialto’s existence because, well, it already had one.

July 2018, we got Wrecking Ball, one full year after the launch of HLC and almost a full year after Junkertown.  People were surprised he’s a hamster even though it never technically said he was a monkey, ape, or specifically a chimp.  People were even more surprised that he was actually part of the Junkertown plotline (in a small way).  But at the very least, he had been teased in advance.

In August 2018, we got Busan, which - like Junkertown and Eichenwalde - filled in a previously empty “gap” in the maps, giving D.Va a real location and setting for her character.

And now...Blizzcon 2018.

We got Ashe, who feels like a complete shot in the dark.  Nothing had really implied her existence.  We also got Echo, but then we’re immediately told that Echo “isn’t ready” and will not be Hero 30.

Myself and a few other lore fans were confused: for the last six to eight months, in-game interactions had implied that Sanjay Korpal and the rest of the Vishkar plot was steadily being brought to the forefront of the story.  Lúcio, Symmetra, Doomfist, Moira, and Sombra had a bunch of new interactions that seemed to be slowly hyping Sanjay up the way that the Reaper-Sombra interaction had hinted at Moira’s existence.

But - and this was my partner’s main point - 

There was no new map.

And we knew there wouldn’t be one, Jeff told us as much, but it never really struck me how important maps were for heroes until Gonzo put it that way.  The map wasn’t quite ready for Blizzcon 2018 - understandable because Busan had been so massive to develop - but maybe the new map is very closely associated with Hero 30 or even Hero 31, and the team didn’t want that to be overshadowed by the main reveal, Ashe.

Which is effectively what Jeff implied in his pre-Blizzcon developer update.

Here’s how the actual pattern shakes out:

Ana > associated with a launch map (Anubis)

Sombra > associated with a launch map (Dorado)

Orisa > associated with a launch map (Numbani)

Doomfist > associated with a launch map (Numbani)

Moira > associated with a post-launch map (Oasis)

Brigitte > associated with a post-launch map (Eichenwalde)

Wrecking Ball > associated with two post-launch maps (HLC and Junkertown)

Ashe > associated with a launch map (Route 66)

So where does that put us now?

A new map IS being worked on.  And, from a lore perspective, it is almost guaranteed to be a “missing” map for two current heroes and likely one particular future hero:

A Vishkar map.

Lúcio and Symmetra are noticeable “missing” a map.  Reinhardt (Eichenwalde), Mei (Ecopoint), Junkrat and Roadhog (Junkertown), and D.Va (Busan) all have maps now.  The four remaining launch heroes who are still “missing” a map are Lúcio, Symmetra, Mercy, and Torbjörn (but Torb does have some interesting lines for stuff like Volskaya Industries).

It is entirely possible Sanjay is Hero 30 or 31 but the map which helps establish his character wasn’t ready for Blizzcon 2018 - or rather, the team didn’t want to launch it at Blizzcon because it would’ve been downplayed like Oasis and Blizzard World before it.

While this doesn’t override the slew of problems I have with Ashe, it does make her the “easy” choice: release her in tandem with the “Reunion” short (and then be very honest that Echo isn’t ready).  It also makes sense why she was barely teased before Blizzcon: she’s associated with a launch map that hasn’t been touched up in over two years.  If you look at Ana, Sombra, and Doomfist, all of them had teasers on their own associated maps well before their releases.  Ashe, however, was not developed until they started making the “Reunion” short, so she has no actual teasers on Route 66.

Meanwhile, the post-launch maps either teased specific heroes (Oasis and Moira, HLC and Wrecking Ball), or were inherently associated with them (Eichenwalde being strongly associated with Reinhardt and Brigitte, etc).

So what can we guess for Hero 30?

They need a map.

There are at least three maps in the game currently that hint at future heroes, but two of them likely combine for just one:

Lijiang: Whether we like it or not, Lijiang Tower hints that Harold Winston is still alive.

Ilios/Petra: hints at a new archaeologist or geologist character eventually being revealed.

And the next map?  The one currently being worked on?

Here are my guesses:

Vishkar: Effectively a matter of “when” not “if.”  It might be Utopaea itself, or it could be the Vishkar building in Rio de Janeiro.  Either way, it would immediately further the Vishkar storyline, provide new lore for Lúcio and Symmetra, and establish teasers for Sanjay Korpal.  

An underwater map: either an Ecopoint (Ecopoint: Hawaii) or the Gwishin Omnium.  Could be used to establish an upcoming Hero (or possibly Echo in some way).  A fan-requested map now that Horizon Lunar Colony and Busan have been made.

Interesting, in Jeff’s little disclaimer in the pre-Blizzcon Developer Update, he says this (bold is for emphasis):

“To be honest, we felt like [Oasis and Blizzard World] got a little bit lost in the shuffle both during the timing of announcing at Blizzcon and also the time at which we release them - they didn’t have as big of an impact as we really wanted, and we feel like a new map is something very, very special.  So we are definitely working on new map content - we know that’s something that you all love and all request often, so don’t think that by us not announcing something at Blizzcon, it does not mean that there’s no work going on, we’re definitely working on new map content.  You’re just not going to have any new map content announced at Blizzcon.”

They want us to react to this upcoming map completely “free” from the Blizzcon hype.

This is combined with the fact that, according to Jeff, Hero 30 is already fully playable internally at Blizzard, and that the team always has 2-3 heroes “ready to go” in case something goes wrong with one of them.

Now, this doesn’t guarantee that Sanjay is Hero 30, but it likely narrows down Hero 30′s identity to three major options: Sanjay, so long as a Vishkar map is released in the next two months; Harold Winston, for a “curveball” reveal; or a new archaeologist/geologist associated with Ilios, Petra, and Ayutthaya.  Hero 30 could be something different than these -

But it’s the maps which will provide more clues.

[vixx-otps]

VIXX-OTPS’s second survey results

This survey took place from October 30, 2017 up until November 30, 2017

Most people who participated in this survey are this blog’s followers/people from Tumblr. Therefore, it would not be representative of everyone in the fandom. This is just a fun event within this blog~

This would be a really really long post (I mean it. It’s VERY LONG). It contains graphs, charts, and reasons why people like a pair the most or like them the least. Whatever you read beyond this are simply the results of what you guys have submitted

There were a total of 532 responses

To all of those who have participated or at least shared the link to the survey, thank you very very much~ ♥ I wish I could repay you more than just saying thank you >//<

1) Who is/are your VIXX Bias(es)?

(Responders were allowed to choose as many members as they want for this question)

If you want to compare the results from the last survey (2015), I made a bar graph for it:

As you can see, the results are pretty much the same except that there seems to be more fans for all of the members in 2017 than in 2015~ ♥

2.) If you were to choose ONLY ONE MOST favourite VIXX pair, which pair would it be?

(Responders were only allowed to PICK ONE pair for this question)

Again, to compare the results with the last survey’s results (2015), I’ve made a comparison bar graph:

3.) Which VIXX pair(s) do you like the MOST?

(Responders were allowed to pick as many pairs as they want for this question)

The results are a little bit similar to that of the second question, isn’t? o - o Anyway, here is a comparison from 2015′s survey~

4.) If you were to choose ONLY ONE LEAST favourite VIXX pair, which pair would it be?

(Responders were only allowed to PICK ONE pair for this question)

This is kind of different from what I expected and I’ll show you why:

You see what I mean? o - o!!! A huge difference...

5.) Which VIXX pair(s) do you like the LEAST?

(Responders were allowed to pick as many pairs as they want for this question)

The results are somewhat different from the last question >< By the way, this is a new question that I’ve added for this survey so I have no results to compare it with...

6.) How would you rank the VIXX pairs from:

I like them together very much / They are my most favourite

I like them just fine / I don’t mind them

I don’t like them but I don’t dislike them either

I don’t pay much attention to them / I do not see them interact enough

I dislike them / I do not see any chemistry

(I’ve made bar graphs for each ranking but if you scroll down some more, I’ve made charts for each pair~)

Reasons why you guys like the pairs the MOST or the LEAST:

1. N/Leo: Why do you like N/Leo the MOST?

Just because / It just is

Neo is life / Seeing them together gives me so much fuzzies and the world is right again / Cannot be put into words / They are so damn perfect!

Sexy couple

Parent line / Mom and Dad of VIXX / The mom and dad of VIXX / They’re like the mom and dad of VIXX and I think it’s adorable / They are the real definition of VIXX’s parents / Parents are to be loved together / Parents / They are like a married couple. N is the wife seeking attention from her shy awkward husband Leo / Mom and dad of the group! / Because mum and dad! / The parents of VIXX who would always be lifelong friends / Because they act like the parents of 4 hyper kids and it warms my heart to see them call VIXX “kids” / The mother and father of the group / Mom and Dad of the group / They’re like the mom and dad of the group / Parents…?

Mutual support, care and trust / They support each other / Take care of each other really well / Understand and support each other a lot / They’re a great support system for each other / They adore and take good care of each other / It used to be more like Leo relying on N to help him overcome his shyness and to help him express himself but now, it’s more of a mutual reliance on each other. Leo relies on N as their leader and N relies on Leo for support as the other oldest member, therefore making decisions for the group and giving advice and care to the other members

N takes care of Leo / Love how N helped Leo out of his shell / N brought Leo out of his shell / Because N has always helped Leo

They have great chemistry together / Their dynamic is really interesting to observe / They are so perfectly matched / They are so wholesome together / They complement each other well / They balance each other / I enjoy their dynamic / Their relationship / Their personalities balance each other so well / Their friendship is amazing

Cute / Adorable together / They’re just so cute! / They look so cute! / Too fucking cute / They are both just so precious / Hella cute / Look extra cute together

Love how N sometimes manhandles Leo / Love how N can control Leo and Leo listens to N even though Leo is not the type to follow someone else

There’s something about their friendship that makes me adore them very much / They’re so close / All of VIXX are close but there’s something about the 90 line / Since the beginning, Leo and N have been very close.

The way they behave towards each other / Love their interactions / Their interactions are the best in my opinion / They have a way of speaking without words

They are my top 2 biases

They are lifelong friends / Lifelong friends / Because they are lifelong friends / Lifelong friend! / Lifelong friends so close and comfortable with each other / Lifelong friends

Loud and energetic with quiet and cuddly is my secret favourite / They have a love&hate relationship / The classic hate-love dynamic I’m weak for / Complete opposites but love each other very much / Loud and soft / Because they are opposites

Love the way Leo always reacts badly to N’s skinship but seeks it sometimes / Leo calls N when he wants something / Leo shows affection towards N in a cute way

The dynamic that they had in their early debut days was something I found compelling and has stuck with me to now / The first pair I had in the fandom so they have a special place in my heart / Even though it hasn’t been seen as much these days as the other pairs, I still believe in Mama Cha and Papa Leo of the VIXX Family / They were the first ones that I fell in love with

It’s a classic

They are the eldest in the group

N/Leo: Why do you like N/Leo the LEAST?

Do I still need to answer this after 4 years?

Less not liking and more bored of oversaturation / A little overrated / Too typical / It’s way way overdone and fandom cliches abound / I see it everywhere

Actually liked the pair when people remember that: a) for all his pestering, N does let Leo be Leo, b) N himself is also an introvert

I don’t like the “mom & dad” concept / It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just people force N into this mother role and I’m like, you can take care of people without being a mother / I don’t like how N always has to be the “mom” or whatever like, people always feminize him and it always comes off as degrading to N

I feel that they work much better as friends

Even though they get on well, I think that they should be paired with someone who seems to be their opposite

I keep finding them when I look for another pair / Interferes with my favourite pair

People trying to force me to like it which kind of ruined the pair for me / Shippers love to shove it down your throat

Doesn’t necessarily see them as a pair that interests me

Leo was really mean to N a lot earlier in the career and I just didn’t like it

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on N/Leo:

2. N/Ken: Why do you like N/Ken the MOST?

They make each other laugh

They have fun together

They are really affectionate with each other

They’re just two soft floofs who want the other members to love them so they’re perfect for each other / N is clingy af and Ken is so used to getting all the affection of the group / Absolute dorks around each other / N always wants to be near Ken, like holding his hand or poking him

They are supportive of each other

The cutest dynamics

When N smiles because of Ken, it just seems so genuine and pure / N just always has so much fun with Ken / N dotes on Ken and Ken looks up to N

They stare at each other like they’re the sun or something equally cheesy

They’re very comfortable around each other

They’re the ridiculous ahjumma and diva line

N/Ken: Why do you like N/Ken the LEAST?

I don’t see content for it

I don’t pay much attention to them / I have paid zero attention to them

I think I just like them better when they’re platonically bickering at one another / They’re both too loud, combined they would cause chaos / Sometimes it seems like N does not have much patience for Ken

I chose randomly / I HAD NO CHOICE

Neither N nor Ken are my favourite

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on N/Ken:

3. N/Ravi: Why do you like N/Ravi the MOST?

They’ve been close from the start /

I love their dynamic / I really like their chemistry whenever they are paired together for anything / they are close and complement each other

They always turn up for each other’s solo activities

I like reading about N being taken care of by his members. Ravi has the biggest tendency to do that

N has mom vibes and Ravi has dad vibes and together they have these boring parent vibes

Because I like N with everyone and want Ravi for myself so I’m giving him to N. Very generous of me, isn’t it?

I have something for dancing, I suppose? Their chemistry when they dance is great

Leader and deputy, steel and marshmallow

N/Ravi: Why do you like N/Ravi the LEAST?

I don’t know the reason why I chose them / No reason in particular / Answer was required / I had to choose a pair

I don’t pay much attention to them / I just don’t really see it. It’s more like Mama Cha supporting his son

It’s not my cup of tea

It was cute, but it’s starting to die

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on N/Ravi:

4. N/Hongbin: Why do you like N/Hongbin the MOST?

Hongbin rejects N’s affection in public, but I know that he is whipped for N. I love their friendship so much / Hongbin gets a lot of crap because of how he approaches affection (towards N or anyone at all), but if you know about his personality, you can easily see how much he cares for N / Hongbin is so low-key protective of N / They make me happy, especially those rare occasions when Hongbin shows his love for N / Love how Hongbin tries to hide his love for N, but they have so many sweet moments and so many HOT moments

I love their love/hate relationship / Love the cute banter (Hongbin is a tsundere) / Tom and Jerry ftw / The push and pull is awesome

I think of them more platonically than anything, but I enjoy their dynamic / Enjoy watching their interactions

N babies Hongbin / I like that N is a mom to Hongbin and Hongbin totally acts like a defiant son

Love that they mean the world to each other / They are soulmates

The sass-fest is just legendary

N/Hongbin: Why do you like N/Hongbin the LEAST?

They seem awkward and uncomfortable around each other (more on Hongbin’s side) / they don’t fit well together sometimes

I feel like N and Hongbin aren’t portrayed very well as a couple

Hongbin is always teasing N and I prefer seeing N being loved / I don’t like how Hongbin tries to deny his feelings for N when the camera is on them / Hongbin (at least in the beginning) hated everything to do with N

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on N/Hongbin:

5. N/Hyuk: Why do you like N/Hyuk the MOST?

Love their dynamic

On camera, Hyuk pushes N away, but off camera, he’s such a dependable person and obviously respects and cares for N / The push and pull is so cute

Love how N complains that Hyuk doesn’t act like a maknae

Love how N beats the crap out of Hyuk if he made a comment about N / Hyuk being that lil’ shit of a maknae and N hitting him in response. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is

They are my favourite members

It’s easy to see how genuinely N cares about Hyuk and how happy he makes him

Their interactions are so sweet

Chasang is life

N/Hyuk: Why do you like N/Hyuk the LEAST?

Hyuk always ignores N when he tries to be affectionate and acts like he doesn’t want to be paired with him and it’s annoying / I love Hyuk but why does he have to be a little devil all the time. I just wish we could see more soft Hyuk / I don’t like the way Hyuk bullies N

Their relationship feels too much like a parent and child for me / I can’t really see them as a couple / I feel like N treats Hyuk like a little brother so it’s strange to see them in a romantic way / They seem to have more of an older brother-little brother relationship / Mom N / I see it like a young brother/son and older brother/mother and it feels kinda weird, I don’t know / I don’t think their dynamics are that strong, just good friends / N is Hyuk’s mother and it just feels so wrong, he practically raised him / Feels weird, like mother and son / I just can’t see them together romantically / Their relationship seems more like relatives, with N being the trying-too-hard uncle and Hyuk being the embarrassed nephew / Too parent and child

I see them interact the least

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on N/Hyuk:

6. Leo/Ken: Why do you like Leo/Ken the MOST?

Best chemistry / They complement each other’s personalities well

Cute / Sweet and cute / Because they are too cute

Leo is head over heels for Ken

Ken had brought out the cutie in Leo

Their subtle way of supporting and caring for each other makes me so soft

They are both my ultimate biases

They are like real brothers

Love the puppy-kitty couple / Opposites / They’re like black and white contrasting yet they are harmonious / They’re complete opposites but they work so well together / Their opposite personalities

Leo/Ken: Why do you like Leo/Ken the LEAST?

I don’t pay a lot of attention to them / I tend to focus on other pairs more / Just don’t think much about them / Haven’t seen a lot of interactions with them off-stage

The shippers. I had quite a lot of annoying encounters with their shippers. I love them but the fans just irk me

I feel like they work together as just friends / Just can’t see them together / I never really thought about putting them together

I had to choose one / No idea… / I just had to choose one

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Leo/Ken:

7. Leo/Ravi: Why do you like Leo/Ravi the MOST?

They have great chemistry / They complement each other well / Their dynamic is really interesting / Their chemistry on and off stage / They have chemistry / Their chemistry / They just seem to fit together well

They seem to care about each other very much / They rely on each other / They understand each other quite well / They’re always quietly supporting each other / I feel like they reciprocate each other’s affection the most

Do I need to fill this in? / [Ravi voice] We started from the bottom but we just do it now / They make my kokoro go doki-doki and dokun-dokun / Because Wontaek is love / LR is life

These two are so quiet and awkward and it’s completely different when they’re performing. It’s astonishing / They are the awkward kids, and since LR debuted, they just started being dumb and more like each other and giggly. / LR did wonders with bringing Leo out of his shell and show a side of him that I can’t say I don’t love, but that is driving me crazy / They’re a relationship that I’ve seen growing since their rookie days. It just seems that with Ravi, Leo really comes out of his shell more than usual

They are so legit. So much evidence / LR is real or out lmfao / They’re really sailing their own ship

Extrovert-Introvert / Their opposite chemistry works very well with each other / I like how their opposite personalities work together to bring out the best in each other / They contrast each other very well / Awesome and opposite vibes / Opposites attract / Because of the different personalities that they carry

Despite them being so popular now, it’s still the little things between that keeps me so happy with them, as it always has / Just how easy they are with each other / Ravi is quite chill with Leo and doesn’t really make him have to express himself if he doesn’t feel like it, often speaking louder to attract attention to himself and save Leo from further embarrassment. This happens both during VIXX as whole and LR promotions. Even though Leo was the leader, Ravi did take the lead quite a bit. / Ever since predebut or MyDol, Ravi seems to be the one who Leo seems most comfortable around with and Ravi has consistently tried to make sure to include Leo and bring him into the conversation, but also protect Leo when he would rather stay quiet /

They’re my biases / They were the first two people I ever memorized in the group. I saw how they interacted and totally liked them from then / My first VIXX pair

VIXX LR / Whisper MV / Two words: Beautiful Liar / LR is a blessing / Because it’s an official pair from Jellyfish. Check VIXX LR MVs for proof / When Whisper came out, I discovered that they were a sub-unit and started liking them from then / Because of VIXX LR / During LR promotions, they seem at their happiest / *coughs* VIXX LR

Their interactions are the cutest to me / They’re really cute together. / Their skinship is soft and natural. They don’t cling to each other too much and is sweet / Sometimes their skinship is suddenly really all over the place / Mostly cute. Really really cute. Soft. Protect / They’re so cute / Skinship

They are dorks / Silly boys acting cool

They are sexy / Their tension / They gay. Very very gay / Their sub-unit’s MVs make me want to write gay fanfiction too much / They’re really sexy together / Hah… GAYYYYY / The pair that I’ve written the most about / That one VLive where it looked like Leo was seconds away from kissing Ravi if N hadn’t said anything

Hamster and owner

They are the composing pair. Ravi really goes far and beyond to bring the best out of Leo, changing melodies over and over again / Ravi loves Leo’s high notes / They’re both artistically similar, as their sub-unit keeps hinting

Leo is fond of Ravi’s extra self and finds him funny / I love seeing Leo smile because of Ravi / Like how Ravi makes Leo laugh a lot / Leo always smiles the brightest when looking at or speaking to Ravi

They love animals

Diamond bracelets / The matching bracelets that Leo felt the need to inform us that Ravi bought for him and that they both wear regularly + including in the Whisper MV

Leo/Ravi: Why do you like Leo/Ravi the LEAST?

I am a fan of another pair / Ravi be cheating! / It ruins other favourite pairs

Leo’s and Ravi’s personalities are a complete 360 of each other’s and I don’t think it would fit well / They are too different

Annoying fans / I hate their shippers. I hate when people ship them like lovers when they are close like brothers

Overrated / Never understood the hype

Completely platonic / I see them as brothers too much so I can’t imagine them romantically

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Leo/Ravi:

8. Leo/Hongbin: Why do you like Leo/Hongbin the MOST?

They’re my biases

Shy bebes / They’re introverted

So cute / They’re cute as heck

Leo is so soft for Hongbin and I love it so much / Love how Leo always cuddles up to Hongbin because he’s very comfortable in his presence and love how Hongbin lets him / Leo’s soft spot (obsession??) for Hongbin is soft and pure / Leo adores Hongbin the most / I think Leo has such a soft spot for Hongbin and it’s the cutest thing / Hongbin can make Leo smile, which is a big deal for him

Forever playful together

Those moments where they’re just quiet and enjoy each other’s company

It started with that fart episode on MTV diary where N was gathering everyone and then Leo and Hongbin were watching stuff together

I think they’re beautiful together

Lil petty shits who like to judge people for their own amusement

I really love their friendship / They’re really good friends

Because Leo mentioned that Hongbin used to be more rambunctious and rebellious during his trainee days and often skipped his training sessions, but Leo taught him well and helped him, which I think is cute

Leo/Hongbin: Why do you like Leo/Hongbin the LEAST?

I could not skip the question and chose one with my eyes closed / Had to choose one / I just had to pick one

Just never took a liking for it

The shippers are something else

I don’t see them interact that much but maybe that’s just me / I feel like I don’t see them together too often / I don’t see much of them on my dashboard

Tsundere + Savage = that’s no no~

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Leo/Hongbin:

9. Leo/Hyuk: Why do you like Leo/Hyuk the MOST?

The manhandling / How Hyuk always bullies Leo

I think they are just so cute together / Because they look so cute together

I like that they are both so different but at the same time compatible / They show their affections differently to one another

They’re my two favourite members

I like their dynamic

Like a true sibling relationship

Like how their relationship has progressed

I find Leo doing to Hyuk what N does to Leo and it’s cute

Leo/Hyuk: Why do you like Leo/Hyuk the LEAST?

I don’t like that Hyuk bullies Leo / I don’t like how they’re mostly portrayed as Hyuk being the dominant one, always teasing poor Leo

I personally don’t see them interact much / I don’t see very much content of these two so I never developed a liking for the pair

Didn’t read any fics about them to boost my ideas about them

I just don’t see it

Weird

I’m sticking to my three favourite pairs, I don’t really cross-ship

I just feel like their personalities are very different from each other

They don’t click as much as an OTP to me / I don’t vibe with it

They just seem like father and son to me

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Leo/Hyuk:

10. Ken/Ravi: Why do you like Ken/Ravi the MOST?

They ship themselves / They practically hang off of each other 24/7

Because it’s so obvious how crazy Ravi is about Ken? Can anyone even deny it at this point? / Ravi is so warm for Ken / Ravi touching Ken and calling him cute / The way Ravi clings to Ken is just… Hehehe / Ravi loves Ken so much and Ken loves being loved / The way Ravi fanboys over Ken all the time is like, the most precious thing I’ve ever seen

They are cute together / They just always seem so cute together / Very cute and pure / They’re the cutest and purest / I think they’re really cute

Love how close they are to each other / They’re so fond of each other / Giggly and loveable pair / So sweet, so amazing / Their chemistry is just so good / They get along with each other really well / They kind of remind me of kids, in the pure and sweet sense, when they’re together / They’re very affectionate and supportive or they look out for each other — that’s the relationship that I want with my friends or boyfriend / Because of how comfortable and affectionate they are with each other / Their friendship in general is super adorable / I love their dynamics / I find their interactions fun and sweet /

They’re lovers, jk jk / The Rose lyrics have me convinced they’re probably secretly dating / They’re actually married / They honestly look like a real couple to me sometimes / JUST LOOK AT THEM OH MY GADDD / Boyfriends legit / THEY’RE SO IN LOVE ALREADY HOW CAN I NOT LOVE THEM. IMAGINE KEN. WITH RAVI. FIGHTING FOR ATTENTION. OVER BUTT. GOOD CONCEPT.

Their skinship / The way they look at each other makes me cry, it’s so sweet and loving / I love how clingy they are / They show so much love and happiness but still play around with each other / You can always tell how much they mean to each other by the looks they give / They’re always giggling and having a happy time together / Their skinship!

Too soft for words / They’re soft

They’re very silly together

They would make a good sub-unit

I love my sons

Ken/Ravi: Why do you like Ken/Ravi the LEAST?

Because of the shippers. They started becoming popular and they kept talking about them and it kind of annoyed me. / I can’t stand the shippers. They make everything about them all the time and it’s so annoying

I don’t find it as interesting / Just a preference / Just don’t think about them all that much / Dynamic that I’ve spent the least time invested in / Just don’t care all that much

They bring out the annoying in each other

I just picked one / I was forced to pick an answer

I’ve seen it around too much / They’re overrated

Ravi treats Ken exactly the way he treats Butt, but people see a pair. I don’t get it.

Too many moments that I hope the other pairs had that much too / They give me diabetes / They just scream fanservice / Too much skinship

I see it more like a brother-brother relationship

They haven’t grown and changed. They’ve pretty much always been the same lovebirds

Feels too one-sided on Ravi’s part

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Ken/Ravi:

11. Ken/Hongbin: Why do you like Ken/Hongbin the MOST?

They are the brightest and funniest pairing to me

Ken/Hongbin: Why do you like Ken/Hongbin the LEAST?

I feel my IQ lowering when they’re together

They just don’t interest me together / Not much chemistry / I don’t really notice them together / I never really see them interact that much / I don’t know, I just don’t see them together / They click the least to me / Don’t seem to interact a lot / Not my favourite dynamic / There’s never enough of it / I don’t see any chemistry for them other than platonic / I haven’t really seen much content from them / I don’t really ever think about them as a pair / I haven’t see much about this pair

Their personalities seem like real opposites / Have little in common / They just seem like an odd match / They look awkward

They have more of a only-friends vibe to me

I had to choose one / Had no choice

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Ken/Hongbin:

12. Ken/Hyuk: Why do you like Ken/Hyuk the MOST?

Fun dynamics! Fun dynamics everywhere! / They’re the funniest together

Because one is the real maknae and the other is a fake maknae, I think it’s cute

They’re perfect

Immortals fic / The Immortals fanfic

They’re adorable together / They just seem soft and compatible / The cutest together / They are the cutest boys ever

They’re a mess, but a good mess

They actually have many genuine moments together (a.k.a not just purely fanservice)

They are also so talented and have amazing visuals

Ken/Hyuk: Why do you like Ken/Hyuk the LEAST?

I had to choose an answer / I had to choose / An answer was required / I closed my eyes and chose / I don’t know / Had to pick an answer

As an OTP, they don’t grab my attention / They just don’t seem super ship-y / They don’t interact as much / Haven’t seen much from them

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Ken/Hyuk:

13. Ravi/Hongbin: Why do you like Ravi/Hongbin the MOST?

Their overall friendship is really admirable

Despite seeming like polar opposites, they’re actually super close to one another and I think it’s so cute / They have really contrasted appearances and interests but they look really good with each other

They’re so cute when they work together

They act like those womb-friends

Ravi/Hongbin: Why do you like Ravi/Hongbin the LEAST?

A weird pairing

I don’t know

I don’t really see a match here

I haven’t seen many gifsets or I’m just not paying enough attention

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Ravi/Hongbin:

14. Ravi/Hyuk: Why do you like Ravi/Hyuk the MOST?

Their moments are so rare, yet they’re so beautiful

Roomates!

I think their dynamic is very fun

Ravi/Hyuk: Why do you like Ravi/Hyuk the LEAST?

They give more brotherly feels than a pair sort of feel

I don’t see a lot of them

They just kinda don’t fit in my head, I don’t know / Just don’t really see anything there / Never appealed to me / Just don’t have any memorable things with the pair at the moment / I’ve just never seen anything related to it

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Ravi/Hyuk:

15. Hongbin/Hyuk: Why do you like Hongbin/Hyuk the MOST?

They’re partners in crime / I love that they’re two mischievous kids together with the most contagious smiles and laughter, they’ve never failed to bring a smile to my face / They are also the demons of the group that harass the others together / Evil duo / Best evil duo ever / Evil maknaes. They make me smile

They’re often joking around, but they genuinely care for each other and get along very well / I love their sense of humour despite them being two little devils to their hyungs / They are idiots and that makes me happy

They have such a great relationship with each other / Their interactions are always so pure / Their chemistry is honestly the best / They secretly care about each other

They’ve grown so much since MyDol

There’s no need to be obvious

Evil gaming geniuses

They look nice together / They seem super fun

They’re cute

Hongbin/Hyuk: Why do you like Hongbin/Hyuk the LEAST?

They seem like brothers in my eyes

It makes me go >:^(

I’m not aware of their interactions

And here is the chart for the 6th question. It’s the same except that it focuses on Hongbin/Hyuk:

AND THAT’S IT~ AGAIN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO PARTICIPATED ^^

[camilliar]

I'm curious about your trans headcanons now. I see occasional fic with CP characters as trans men who are already fully transitioned by the time they get to college, but I would be really interested to see the dynamics of a character coming out as a woman. Especially a character who presents very masculine in the comic, like Jack.

Hiiiii, Ilove this ask, come here, let’s be friends.

I’m not muchof a headcanon person, by which I mean, when I have ideas about characters Itend to put them into stories instead of “what if” informal posts. Thiscomplicates my cool fannish image because I look very inactive when really I’vejust been writing tens of thousands of words that, like a dodo, I absolutelywill not post as WIPs. On the other hand, it does mean I’ve written 20,000words about Jack being trans. I’ve mentioned it here,but I’m not sure to what extent it’ll end up as a story that gets posted.

At theoutset I should say that I take a center-liberal approach to fic writing, whichis to say, I like things to be canon-compliant when they’re not straight-upAUs, but I’m not fundamentalist about what canon-compliant means. I think there’sroom to write a story that adheres to the comic canon but posits that the circumstancesof the characters’ lives and relationships might shift in the future, beyondwhere canon takes them. In that sense I think you have to look at who Jack isif you’re going to do this, and there isn’t a lot of overt evidence that he’ssuffering gender confusion.

There is,however, a lot of subtext. Jack’s story is, in a lot of ways, about strugglingto conform to a neat performance of masculinity. He works incredibly hard tomeet these social expectations; the kind of person Jack is supposed to be doesn’tdeal with mental illness, or drug dependency, or like boys. There is a lot oftextual evidence in the comic that he is consciously or subconsciously fightingagainst these things by controlling the aspects of his life that he can bringin line with expectations: how he spends his days, what his body looks like,and what he reveals about himself to other people. He’s vague and sometimesobfuscating about that, and puts his experiences in terms of what he doesrather than who he is, which I find to be an interesting kind of detachment. Hegoes around telling people he is dating Bitty, but in the comic so far hasn’t identifiedas gay or bi or even something more general like queer or not straight.

I liked thatmoment where he was talking about thecosts of playing hockey that he’s willing to endure, and he mentions, “The expectations and the spotlight …. The anxiety…” Obviouslyhe has expectations for himself, but by and large “the expectations and thespotlight” are things that are external to Jack, things happening to him; Ithink given the recurring theme of people speculating on and assessing him,fairly or unfairly, it seems like he is thinking of these expectations as thoseheld by other people, not ones he’s placing on himself. His anxiety is not anexternal thing, though; it’s something that’s real but is only ever happening inhis brain, that he’s doing to himself. It might be exacerbated by a toxicsports media culture and the general drag that is patriarchal heteronormative bullshit,but his brain is something for him to own, and he’s putting some distancebetween himself, and that.

It’s interestingto me that Jack comes out to George when they’re running. Some of this ispractical; Jack wants to talk to her in as private a place as he can, and heprobably doesn’t have a lot of opportunities to get her alone at work, and itmight have been too much build-up for him to reach out and say, “I need to getyou alone so I can talk to you.” At the same time you have to look at all thethings Jack is tacitly communicating to George: I’m dating a dude, but, I’m still an elite athleteconforming to all of the other expectations of masculinity, I’ll go on this runwith you, I’m down for whatever you put on me, I’m the same person I was the last time we went on a run. He even puts on a dude-ish baseball cap before he gets out of the car, like he’sputting on his dude drag to go have this conversation. God forbid hisconfession that he’s with Bitty undermine George’s view of him as one of herhockey players.

Even hischoice of Bitty as a romantic partner is something I don’t think the fandomexamines enough. Partly it’s because Check,Please! is a yaoi slash heart-eyes adoraboo webcomic, so a good portion ofthe audience is going to just accept this canon couple as a given withoutlooking into it too deeply. I remember Ngozi saying somewhere, at some point,that Jack needs someone really special to get through to him, with theimplication being that Bitty is that special person, he is a flawless angel childwho straddles both ends of the gender-presentation spectrum with his tinyperfect ass bisecting the middle, god bless him. But I’m cynical so I can’tjust take that as a given, and I have to think about the way in which thepeople we associate with, and especially, the people we are attracted to, areways in which we practice our own identity construction. How does standing nextto Bitty make Jack look? Maybe Jack doesn’t think about it in thatstraightforward a manner, but he must be aware on some level that this is goingto reflect back on him. Why does he send Bitty a zillion roses for Valentine’sDay? I mean, the comic isn’t there yet, but let’s think this out for a second: it’sa textbook male gesture to send the person you’re dating flowers. So, Jacksends Bitty shitloads of flowers. It’stoo easy to just say that Jack is super intense and he gives 110 percent, he’sso extra, etc. Like, yes, he is extra, but why is he so extra? Because he canbe? Or because Bitty will be 110 percent happier with 110 extra roses? Or because he’strying to perform 110 percent masculinity?

Writingabout Jack coming out as a woman and transitioning is an interesting way toneedle at his character. (And also, an interesting way to needle at myself, youknow, that’s writing for you.) Back to my center-liberal mode of fannish participation:I do not think that Jack is fundamentally being written this way, but rather,that it’s one way to interpret and examine how Jack relates to himself andparticipates in traditional masculinity. There are a zillion other ways to dothis, and I find that almost every OMGCP fic I write or post I make is essentiallygetting at the problem of Jack’s character from a different angle. (Except onefic that’s the same, except, Kent Parson instead.)

For me, a majorissue in the problem of Jack’s character is that trying to establish himself inthe echelons of professional hockey caused him to suffer greatly, to the pointof almost dying, possibly intentionally—but he decided, for some reason, thathe wanted to go back for more, and try again. So much of the work I see in thisfandom is about how Jack pushing himself to overcome his issues and succeed inhockey is a positive character trait, and readers are proud of him. But Ithink, within the canon and within the fandom, there is a major unansweredquestion in the form of, what the heck is going on with this character that hecannot and will not stop doing things that have the potential to cause himserious harm? Is he just autistic, and unable to detach from this thing he’sfixated on? Is it that he has literally never thought about anything else hemight do with his life? Or is it that he cannot stop thinking of himself as ahockey player? What would happen if he did? How would he start to think abouthimself, if he stopped thinking of himself as a hockey player and began to thinkof himself as anyone or anything else, and stopped compartmentalizing hisidentity and his experiences?

His brain ishorribly roadblocked. “I don’t think about this stuff too much,” he tellsShitty.And, sure, that’s normal, especially among men raised in hyper-masculinecontexts. But it’s normal because those men exist in a social context wherethey should be afraid of what they might find out about themselves if theythought about it too much. He then makes a joke about how he’s a robot andmakes fun of Shitty’s arguably less fraught romantic life, as if Shitty havingfeelings for Lardo is some kind of weakness. He then picks up Shitty and throwshim in a pile of leaves, which is so painfully overt and demonstrative adisplay of masculine and dominant behavior that Bitty notices from inside andyells at him. I don’t think this is what Ngozi intended, but it’s a fair enoughinterpretation of what’s going on: Shitty made Jack feel a little too much, ora little too conscious of himself, and so he has to respond by emasculatingShitty. Shitty’s like, “Love has changed you,” but like, I dunno, has it, or,how has it?

Granted, alot of this is nebulous, because we don’t know and probably won’t find out muchabout what happened to Jack when he was in juniors, what happened to Jack whenhe was in rehab, or what Jack’s decision-making process was when he applied tocollege—by which I mean, it’s unclear if he just saw it as a means to an end.It’s also unclear how Jack handles his anxiety—is he in therapy, is he takingmeds? It’s unclear how he thinks of himself in terms of drug use—for the mostpart, ending up in rehab at 18 is incongruous with having a beer every now andthen, though it’s also worth asking how having a beer at key moments makes himlook to other people, or how it makes him feel about himself. We just don’tknow that much about Jack, for all the comic is largely about him. It can bedifficult to pinpoint exactly how much he knows about himself, and why he’smade the choices he’s made, because many of those decisions are opaque toreaders.

But, that’swhere fandom gets to work. So I come back to the trans Jack thing here. Jackhas spent most of his life, probably, being told (perhaps implicitly more thanexplicitly) that he needed to do certain things and seem a certain way in orderto be taken seriously, and not be suspected of any kind of femmey or queerinclinations. (He knows that being with Kent Parson could have “really messedwith” their hockey careers, for one thing.) Am I saying that butch people, like, don’treally exist, and it’s all a construct? I don’t want to stick my nose into anature/nurture thing, but it’s undeniable that the style you project is part ofa complex network of influences, some of which are prejudices. To write Jack astrans is to ask questions about how those prejudices have affected him, andwhat might happen if he discarded them.

In terms ofhow a story about trans Jack would look, I can tell you what I’m interested inexamining: biology is destiny, and Jack’s body is pretty materially mannish. Towhat extent would it be possible to conform to that, reject it, subvert it?Jack’s attraction to Bitty is probably fixed, but Bitty is gay, and being withJack is an aspect of his constructionof self. How does Bitty cope with having someone else’s decisions destabilizehow he thinks and what he thinks he knows about himself? Jack is a publicfigure with a lot of privilege, but nor does Jack seem like an ideal or enthusiasticspokesperson or model for trans (or gay, or mental health) visibility. We don’tknow if Jack has any awareness of queer discourse or narratives, or how Jack wouldeasily fit into those, or not. How long does Jack think about this—is itsomething that occurs to Jack slowly, over many years, unsure how to act on it?Or is it something Jack realizes, suddenly, and wants to act on immediately? Howdoes this change how Jack relates to Jack’s parents? To the idea of being a parent? Would Jack want to playin the NHL as a woman? How does retirement and a life after hockey fit intoJack’s process?

Ultimately Idon’t think this fandom does that great a job at interrogating characters, orthe general situations they’re in. I’m kind of shocked at how little discussionthere is of what being a not-straight-guy paying hockey means. There’s a lot oftalk about how toxic masculinity is bad and learning to love yourself is good,but I don’t think the fandom is honest about just how physically andpsychologically damaging a hyper-aggressive sport can be, and why thesecharacters put themselves in harm’s way to endure it. It’s not just makingfriends and the thrill of winning and being Canadian; there are socially coded valuesinvolved. Bitty wrestling with his fear of checking to become marginally betterat hockey (if not at NHL-level) is, through one lens, a story about personaltriumph over adversity. But through another lens it’s a story about someoneputting themselves through hell and exposing themselves to harm over and over again,voluntarily—and for what? For camaraderie, for some scholarship dollars, forJack’s ass, sure—but that’s not all Bitty’s getting out of this.

So too withJack, is the thing, but times a zillion. And I wish the fandom did a better orat least more open job of addressing this. Writing a story where Jack is atrans woman is one means of doing so, or asking, why is he so freaking extra? What’she getting out of this? What does all that extra jocular dudeishness and hockeyfervor compensate for?

What’s itdistracting him from?

And whatwould happen if you took that away?

[fuckyeahvalidation]

Walkinredinstead 30 day challenge day 4!

Day 4) Special Interests - Also sometimes called hyper-fixations, or “obsessions”, special interests are a common autistic experience. Post about your special interests! That’s right - I’m giving you a chance to infodump all you want. Or you could talk about what special interests are - it’s interesting to hear since there’s no one definition of what a special interest is. The one thing I ask - don’t shorten special interest to SI in the post. SI is a long-standing shortening for self injury, people have suggested SpIn for special interest as an alternative.

So I have various special interests and trying to figure out just one to talk about is kind of hard, but for right now I’m going to talk about Life is Strange which is a video game based on player choice and the butterfly effect! I’m going to be talking more about the characters than anything else because that’s what I hyper-focus on when playing!

Main Characters: 

Maxine Caulfield: She prefers Max and even goes so far as to say, ‘Max never Maxine’ She is our main character that we play as through out the game. She is 18 years old and is going to a prestigious school called ‘Blackwell Academy’ she is there for photography and has a ‘gift’ for taking selfies. She’s a total hipster who prefers her polaroid camera and other analog cameras over any digital cameras. She finds out she has rewind powers and uses this to try and save her hometown of Arcadia Bay, Oregon which is a made up town. She’s best friends with Chloe Price.

Chloe Price: A reckless 19 year old with tattoos and blue hair. She’s a total ‘punk’ who also likes playing with guns and smoking weed. Chloe tends to be the one who gets Max and herself into some sort of trouble. Throughout the game Chloe struggles a lot in various ways, but depending on your choices as Max you can help prevent some of those struggles. Chloe used to attend Blackwell Academy, but was expelled after countless bad behavior and police reports. Her best friend is Max Caulfield and her presumed girlfriend at some point was Rachel Amber.

Rachel Amber: A missing girl from Arcadia Bay that hasn’t been seen in six month prior to the game. Everyone, but Chloe has given up on looking for the girl. Not much is known as everyone you talk to seems to have something to say, but no one actually  ‘knows’ her. You get bits and pieces of her. ‘She was a party girl, but too cool for us, like her own party.’ ‘She and her punk friend used to skate with us all the time.’ ‘She looked beautiful in those clothes and you look like shit.’ ‘She was my angel.’ But who was she really? People of the fandom have so many headcannons for Rachel, but I think that she was just a really extroverted girl who knew how to be in various groups of people. She liked to get high and was totally into horoscopes~ Her presumed girlfriend is Chloe Price and boyfriend is Frank Bowers

Main Side Characters: (Anyone you can talk to more than once)

Frank Bowers: Honestly there isn’t much to say about Frank besides that he’s the local drug dealer who lives in an RV with her trusty dog Pompidou! 

Kate Marsh: A quiet Christen girl who is being bullied harshly for a video that she has no memory of. She is going to Blackwell Academy for photography/art as she loves to draw and is really good at it. She wants to create children’s picture books some day and also plays the violin every morning. Victoria Chase is the biggest bully we see go after Kate throughout the game.

Victoria Chase: The rich bitch of Blackwell Academy. She’s just your sterotypical rich blonde girl...or is she? Well she never says it or anything, but if you sneak into her room at one point she has a figure of either a video game character or an anime character named ‘Blueberry’ which implies that she keeps a secret of liking anime/video games! She is also attending for photography and see’s Max as a rival for her to defeat. Best friends with Taylor Christensen

Taylor Christensen: Victoria’s best friend. There isn’t much to say about her besides the fact that she follows Victoria around and her mother is sick. We are simply told that she’s had back surgery, but never told why. Taylor isn’t really mean like Victoria. She even says ‘I’m not about tearing people down.’ Which means she simply acts that way for Victoria’s praise most likely.

Warren Graham: A total science nerd who has a very obvious crush on Max. He likes to pirate movies for his friends to watch, mostly classic films like ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ and ‘Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill’  which are mentioned in conversation. He wants to do whatever he can to help Max and other friends. Friends with Kate Marsh and Max Caulfield.

Nathan Prescott: The white rich boy who is mentally ill and therefore must be dangerous...I am so done with this trope so I’m going to actually explain why he is the exact opposite of dangerous. Nathan has some mental illness there is no doubting that, but he is also taking medication and supposedly seeing someone for it as he says, ‘Do not analysis me. I pay people for that.’ (SPOILER WARNING HERE) Nathan at our very first encounter pulls out a gun, more to show dominance than anything else in my own opinion, but I don’t think he was going to use it if he hadn’t been pushed back by Chloe which made him hit the trigger. If you watch when it happens he freaks out over it, knowing that he didn’t mean to. He shows remorse when he thinks no one is around. (END OF SPOILERS) He is just a lost and misunderstood character that got the mental illness makes you violent trope put on him and I hate that. 

Whelp that’s all I’ve got! I could add more characters, but right now my hands are hurting from typing this out so maybe later~

Okay to reblog~

Here are my other days so far if you wanna look at those~

Day 1: [Link]

Day 2: [Link]

Day 3: [Link]

[avoresmith]

Tagged by @genufa​ who gets me and my desire to not be as productive as I could be.

feel free to tag yourself in my name if you want to do this. I liked this one.

1. Are you named after someone? The main character of a novel my mother never wrote, age 16

2. When was the last time you cried? I cried like 3 times during Logan (go see logan)

3. Do you like your handwriting? I like it fine but it isn’t pretty and I hate physically writing.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Pepperoni

5. Do you have kids? Nope

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? HMM. I feel like the direction of this question is ‘Are you so hard to deal with you wouldn’t want to deal with yourself’ but unless I know who the other person I am becoming is, it’s a hard question to answer. If I had a copy of myself I think we would probably enjoy talking to each other about fandom sometimes but not much else. If I were a different person I might have needs that I can’t provide myself anymore because I wouldn’t be me, in which case the person who is now me might be very useful in my life??

I don’t think my personality is defective ENOUGH that there is a clearcut answer of ‘lol no cuz they’d be a bitch’. 

7. Do you use sarcasm? N..o...? Which is weird to realize because I definitely went through the Sarcastic Teenager phase where everyone in the 90s was as obsessed with teens being sarcastic as they are now fixated on millennials being ironic. But nah, somehow that habit pretty much disappeared as far as I can tell.

8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes.

9. Would you bungee jump? Probably!

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? Rotates between all berry captain crunch, frosted flakes, and some keshi (kashi??) grain stuff. I go thru a cereal phase like once every 4 months and i eat it for dinner or as a snack tho. Got no time for breakfast.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I can’t own shoes that require you to lace them. Can’t be trusted with that much effort in the morning.

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? Ehn, in some ways, sure. My luck stat is real fuckin high tho.

13. What is your favorite ice cream? I like gelato in general and fruity gelatos in particular. Mango, orange, and lemon are probably my peak flavors. Tho I made a killer pink pepper corn icecream last thanksgiving and I should do it again.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Usually that they have bothered me, haha. I am REAL FUCKING IN MY OWN HEAD so I tend to completely filter people out unless they deliberately make me notice them. In a situation where I’m not ignoring most of humanity, uh,all of this realizing I’m white stuff and that racism exists has, ironically, made me hyper aware of race. Also ‘oh shit, did we make eye contact? shit!’. What I’m saying is there is a reason my cubicle is in the furthest corner of the office and I never leave.

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? Having a vagina and all of it’s connecting organs.

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? I’M REAL MAD IM DOING THIS ON A MONDAY WHEN I WAS TOO LAZY TO CLOTH MYSELF IN THE USUAL WAY because right now my answer is dark blue jeans, purple grey-striped socks, and my comfortable flat sandals that kind of have this shiny snakeskin thing going on (YEA i wear socks with sandals COME AT ME). NORMALLY the answer would be some highly saturated tights and heeled boots or wedge sandals but friend I didn’t fall asleep until 3am.

17. What are you listening to right now? This 8tracks: https://8tracks.com/outofbread/don-t-even-trip-dawg

Which, Im gonna be honest, does nothing for me as Rick and Morty playlist but I really enjoy the collection of songs so I keep listening to it anyway.

19. Favorite smell? Fruit or woody stuff.

20. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Some lady for my job who likes to respond to emails by asking for a phone call so you can tell her what you wrote in the email.

21. Favorite sport to watch? WWE, which I haven’t actually watched in almost 15 years but it’s still the only sport where I got excited about watching a sport.

22. Hair color? Washed out blue and a desaturated purple-pink. Need to touch it up soon.

23. Eye color? Blue.

24. Do you wear contacts? I got some plano circle contacts so i can change my eye color, but i’ve only worn them a couple of times. I like how I look in glasses and probably wont’ got prescription for a while.

25. Favorite food to eat? This rotates... a lot... I should maybe say mongolian hot pot just because we successfully went there every week for almost two years without me getting sick of it. Macaroons. Pizza.

26. Scary movies or comedy? Something... interesting... I don’t care enough about movies to have a preferred genre. Even if I did neither comedy nor scary movies would make the top five.

27. Last movie you watched? Logan (GO SEE LOGAN)

28. What color of shirt are you wearing? Teal and white with a pattern i don’t know how to describe.

29. Summer or winter? Summer.

30. Hugs or kisses? Hugs.

31. What book are you currently reading? I restarted Naoki Urasawa’s Monster, and my roommate has pulled out The Things They Carried for me to start on. I’ll probably finish up Monster first.

32. Who do you miss right now? Minerva, the cat I put down last year. I’m not really prone to this particular emotion in general tho.

33. What is on your mouse pad? I hear Millennials don’t use mouse pads. <------ real

34. What is the last TV program you watched? Uuuuh fuck. I think Mighty Morphin Power Ranges, original run, haha. we were gearing up for the movie but somehow still haven’t seen the movie. Unless we are counting anime I watched online, in which case Mob Psycho 100.

35. What is the best sound? Monsoon thunderstorms.

36. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? I have no particular opinion on either of these but my mom loves(d?) the Beatles so I’ll go with that. She’s earned it.

37. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Haiti.

38. Do you have a special talent? Being basically chill and okay a huge quantity the time.

39. Where were you born? Phoenix, AZ.

[sophie-nicktoonsverse]

Epilogue (Surprise!)

It’s the day after her birthday with The Vanguard and Sophie is feeling better than ever as she goes home to change and eat before hanging out with them again. However, she finds a new present has been placed on her bed for her as she starts to feel the love from her own world. ((Shorter than its predecessor but I still think it’s okay so I hope you enjoy it!))

Sophie stretched as she and Lion returned from the sleepover with The Vanguard. She did her usual morning routine of turning on her TV and making herself a bowl of cream of wheat for breakfast as she put away all her gifts she didn’t leave in Jimmy’s lab. While putting her box of notes from the team in her special things place she found a box nearly identical to hers, but her school emblem was on it, in its place. She looked confused as she opened it to see more notes. “Oh, wonderful more notes to make me cry,” Sophie said sarcastically.  She took her cream of wheat off the stove and sat down with it at the island as she started to read the notes. She picked up Alex’s first.  

Listen I didn’t like Sophie when she first came in as a new art prodigy. She seemed too sweet for me. Over the five years, she’s been here though she’s quickly become part of the group. She’s incredibly witty and tempered enough to stand up to others. Plus she’s Burr’s class pet and can get us out of anything. She’s actually pretty cool.

Sophie rolled her eyes playfully at the note. Yeah sure Alex says he hated her when she came to the program but she knows the truth. He loved her the moment she walked into that classroom with Burr and he knows it. Sophie picked up Lafayette’s note next.

Mon Amie Sophie what to say about you?~ She’s beautiful, kind, adventurous, incredibly witty, and a wonderful addition to the arts program. She doesn’t make fun of my accent and treats me like I’m a normal American boy. I dare say she’s one of the few to actually understand me 100% of the time and I thank her for that.

Sophie blushed at Lafayette calling her beautiful. She swears he’s like her universe’s version of Manny. She also thought it was sweet of him to mention how she treats him like another student. I mean just because he has an accent doesn’t mean he’s different, weird, or stupid right? She picked up Laurens’ note next.

Sophie is such a cutie! She’s so sweet to me and the boys and always makes us yummy treats for us to eat! Whenever she starts feeling sad over something I give a hug and she seems to cheer up instantly. Honestly the other are too “tough” to admit this but we see Sophie as our baby of the family.

She physically went ‘Aww” at Laurens note. He’s such a sweetie pie cinnamon roll of the group. Honestly, he’s one of the sweetest boys she ever met. He’s always supported her from day one and she’s grateful for that. Sophie picked up Hercules’ note next.

Sophie is a tough little miss. Especially if she’s survived this long with the four of us and Burr. She’s proved on more than one occasion that she can run with the boys and not only keep up but thrive. If anyone ever hurts her though the fellas and I would take care of it.

Sophie rolled her eyes once again. Of course, Mulligan would say something like this. Why wouldn’t he? He always was being protective over both her and Alex so why wouldn’t he say that in his note? She picked up Aaron’s note next.

Since Sophie’s arrived I’ve seen improvement in her skills both art and people skills. While I do think she needs to talk less and smile more I can’t deny that the boys bring out something special in her. Her drawings flow better when they are around and it shows. I feel like a proud father when saying this but she’s really come a long way.

Sophie’s heart swelled with pride after reading Aaron’s note. Burr really did put up with a lot of shit when it was her and her boys but he always did stay calm in the middle of it. She often looked to him for guidance and was grateful he could help her on her way to becoming an artist. After washing out her bowl from breakfast she sat down and picked up another note. Duncan’s note to be precise.

Look I’m not sounding soft or anything but Sophie is a great soccer captain. She’s kinda like our mom and I appreciate it since my parents aren't the best at parenting… I mean they have to deal with my siblings more than me and kinda forget my existence. It’s kinda nice I can go somewhere and Sophie cares what happens to me.

Sophie smiled at Duncan’s note. Of course, Duncan had given her trouble during soccer. He was Duncan. He was gonna rebel. It was just what he was going to do. However, Sophie has been patient with him and it paid off. He was now one of the best players she had. She picked up Alejandro’s note next.

Listen I may have been a teensy bit of a jerk when Sophie was the first girl to join the soccer team. Okay, maybe more than a teensy bit of a jerk. But really she’s a great player and I’m honored to be co-captain of the soccer team with her.

Sophie grinned at the note. Ha! After all these years he finally admits he was a jerk for her. Which took up an abundance of his own pride probably. She thought it was sweet of him to also say she was a great player and despite his arrogance, he was a pretty good co-captain. Sophie picked up Gwen’s note next.

Sophie is a great art buddy and teammate. I’m pretty indifferent to people but Sophie is actually really cool. If I don’t feel like participating then Sophie doesn’t make me. Not many people will do that for me and it’s pretty cool.

Sophie giggled a little at the note. Gwen was probably the most indifferent person she has ever met and yet that’s what she loved about her. Literally, she doesn’t give a shit what they do as long as it’s cool. Sophie picked up the final note from her soccer friends which was from Courtney.

Look Sophie isn’t the level of perfection I would like out of a soccer captain but I  for some reason don’t care. Sophie is a great person and does at least a decent job at leading us along with Alejandro. If anyone disagrees I will fight them.

Sophie was surprised with this note. With how much flack Courtney always gave her about her form she was surprised to get something this sincere from Courtney. Also the line of Courtney willing to fight someone for her kind of worried her. She started on the notes from her best friends starting with Fionna.

Sophie is so cool! Like I’ve never seen someone climb trees so fast in my life! She’s also a great adventurer! I love the places she takes us! They are always so cool! Sophie is an amazing friend!

Sophie giggled at the note. It was hyper just like Fionna. Fionna was cool even though they didn’t hang out much and weren’t very close. She could always count on Fi if she had nobody to go adventuring with. Sophie picked up Elyssa’s note next.

Sophie is pretty rad! Every time I see “Rawr XD” written anywhere I always think that she’s definitely the one who wrote it and I smile every time. She makes us smile and if anyone ever ruins her smile, I’ll handle that personally.

Sophie laughed the note at first. She still couldn’t believe that inside joke created all those years ago during second grade was still going strong. There was something else about the note. Why did it seem like all of her friends wanted to fight someone? She needed to discuss this with everyone later. She picked up  Allyssa’s (Elyssa’s twin sister) note next.

Hey. So just to say that this will be incredibly awkward but deal with it. Listen Sophie is a great friend that I can be awkward with and it’s great. I usually hate people so Sophie is special. So yeah… Sophie is great and everyone else sucks then.

Sophie let out a laugh at this. Yup. This was Allyssa’s note alright. Just as lovably awkward as she is. She’s glad that she’s on Allyssa’s list of people she likes instead of the list of people she’ll be dragging at her funeral someday. Man. That funeral is going to be the greatest thing she’ll ever witness one day. She moved on to Audrey’s note next.

I like Sophie because she's such a sweetheart. When we met in the third grade she was awkwardly funny just like me! That made for some interesting times in math honestly. Even if our teacher did hate us! I love Sophie she’s so sweet.

Sophie grinned widely at Audrey’s note. Audrey is honestly one of the cutest human beings she’s ever met. She’s also been so nice to her and it just made Sophie feel good inside knowing she had a true friend like Audrey. Even if there were moments that made Audrey groan at her exclaiming that she hates her. Audrey still cares for her. She picked up Caden’s note next.

Sophie has always been really sweet to me and Audrey ever since the third grade. I remember when I got my appendix out Sophie baked me all these muffins and sorta went overboard but they were REALLY good muffins. I’m glad she cares about us.

Sophie laughed as she remembered those muffins. She must have baked him 30+ pumpkin muffins for Caden and had given them to him. He must have thought they were good considering by the end of their classes for the day they were all almost gone. Caden has always been making Audrey and her laugh in math since third grade and she was thankful for that. She picked up McKenzie’s note next.

Sophie, I always remember her as an organizer. But not a stickler, she always had something planned in mind but it didn't always have to go that way which was cool. Down for anything but if there wasn't anything then she'd make something. She’s funny and cares for her friends and loves lions which are valuable traits. Her drawings were, and always will be, fun and charming to me. Your dedication to a fandom is an unbridled passion that few have and is an overlooked positive trait! I still have that robot shirt she gave me from all those years ago, too, it doesn't fit and it's peeling a bit but I could never part with it because it was something a true friend made.  

Sophie wanted to cry after reading McKenzie’s note. It was so sweet to hear words from her like that as one of her oldest and dearest friends. She felt good as she read all the positive things said about herself and realized that she is actually a really good person. She picked up Gabe’s note next.

I think I’m one of the only boys in the whole school that can actually tell Sophie and Skylar. On the one hand that should be really impressive on the other hand it’s really sad considering how different the two are. Sophie is far more adventurous, creative, and tomboyish then Skylar is. Even though I may be in love with Skylar I gotta give credit where credit is due. Sophie’s her own person and people gotta respect that.

YES! Thank you, Gabe, for finally understanding what she’s been telling people for years! She and her sister are separate entities and beings. They are not the same and she’s so glad Gabe can see that when few people can. She picked up Talia’s note next.

Sophie and I been friends for a long time. She and I are the original tomboys from kindergarten. We started a whole trend! I’ll always remember her as the tomboy queen and how she could show any boy that she could do what they do.

Sophie grinned at the note. She really did start a trend with the whole tomboy thing even if she didn’t mean to. She was just being herself. Soon enough Talia just jumped on the bandwagon of being a tomboy and all the others came running after. Sophie picked up Cerise’s note next.

She’s my best friend. My entirely weird, excitable, stupid best friend. She’s a great artist and she should always keep moving forward. If she doesn’t I’ll hit her with another book. Also, I’m planning Sophie and Xavier’s wedding and it will be amazing. So yeah she’s stupid but also my best friend.

She also noticed a lot of doodles on the note confirming that this was indeed Cerise’s note. Sophie rolled her eyes. Yeah, it had her signature bitterness alright but there was underlying sweetness to it as well. Cerise was her best friend. She had gotten Sophie through those rough years of her trying to raise her sibling and she was really thankful for that. She picked up Marshall’s note next.

Sophie is my favorite cousin! We’ve been best friends since we were two and she’s awesome! She always goes along with my schemes and… she got me through the divorce while she was still raising her siblings. We leaned on each other for the longest time and I hope we always will.

Sophie started to tear up at Marshall’s note. Those toddler years were really rough for the both of them. Sophie was trying to raise Olivia and Nate after their mother died and even though Skylar and Silas were kinda helping it sometimes felt like Sophie was raising them too. At the same time Marshall was going through his parent's divorce with them constantly fighting, his oldest siblings at each other's throats, trying to take care of his sisters, and worrying about his unborn sibling’s future it was a lot for him at once. However, they had each other and depended on each to get through it. Sophie picked up Skylar’s note next.

Sophie has always been an amazing older sister even if she’s only five minutes older than me I’ve looked up to her. I remember when Webkinz was considered status to our grade and you gave up some of your work money to help me out. While she doesn’t have as much class as the girls in dance or cheerleading and she still chooses to be a Tomboy after all this time my point is despite are clear differences. Sophie is a great sister and friend.

Sophie’s heart swelled with pride. She remembered the days of Webkinz fondly (She still 40 of them in her crawlspace) and waiting with her sister to get some for the both of them even though the coldest days and hottest days too. She and her sister were close as children but as they grew up their interests spread out and they grew apart. She was still her sister, though. She picked up Silas’s note next.  

Look I know anyone who reads this will be all “Oh you guys aren't real siblings. You’re just half siblings”. Shut up. I shared a womb for nine months with these two. I might as well be their full sibling. That being said both Sophie and Skylar have always been more outgoing than I could ever be. Sophie especially and I’m glad she can do something I never could.

Sophie started to tear up more at Silas’s note. She never considered Silas a half sibling. As far as she was concerned she, Skylar, and Silas were full siblings. That being said she never pushed Silas to be like her and Skylar going out to make friends as fast they did. He did things at his own pace and Sophie respected that. Sophie picked up the last note which was from her boyfriend. Xavier.

Oh where to even begin with Sophie? Ever since we were four we’ve been best friends. I showed her how to be normal and actually make friends and she showed me into her world where I can be a hero and do something with my life. When she first kissed when we were seven I knew there was something there though I never had to courage to say it. However, this past Valentine's Day something changed and suddenly we were a couple. I’ve been blessed with the best girlfriend the world created. I love her so much.~

Sophie blushed hard at the note. She always felt something special between her and Xavier as well but didn’t know how to address it until that fateful Valentine’s Day. Since then they had been a couple and she couldn't be happier with their relationship.

It was then Sophie realized something. Not only did she have a support system from The Vanguard but she also had a support team here. Her art friends, her soccer team, and her best friends new and old. She had found something special. So what if her family wasn’t the most put together? Who cares? She had two families one consisting of The Vanguard and the other consisting of her best friends. As she put her two boxes away in her special hiding place she realized this was all she needed.