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douglysium · 2 years ago

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The Flavor of MTG: Blue, the Color of Progress(Part 1)

Prologue

Before we really dive into this color philosophy I have to get the usual stuff out of the way. If you haven’t read the previous, albeit really long, article covering some of the more general aspects of the Color Pie then you should probably do so, even if only to decrease the chance that you ask a question I’ve already gone over or to make sure that I don’t have to repeat myself over and over(You can read said article on Tumblr here(https://douglysium.tumblr.com/private/672979718186975232/tumblr_r5hjo0WAWg1ycm9nu) and on Google Docs here(https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y1d7vBZozSEmkARSeGYj4onyty6uAXlooaXKR9WxLOI/edit)). I should also mention that today I am focusing on MONO-Blue as a color philosophy. This means some specifics here may not apply to every color combination that includes Blue. It is also important to remember that the color pie is ultimately a vague philosophical archetype, not a personality archetype(even if a personality can be influenced by one’s personal philosophy). When I say things like a color’s “strength and weaknesses” there are definitely exceptions and know that I am speaking broadly and mostly talking about the behaviors and personalities that such a philosophy either attracts/encourages or discourages. Also, the color philosophies are all about what people find most important. So when I say something like Blue likes knowledge and Black cares about the self that does not mean that it is all those colors care about. Even Blue may care about emotions, Black may still care about others, and White often still cares about the individual. It’s just that those things come second fiddle to other things and should not get in the way of their primary goals. I should also note that because this article is about Blue and I do not have infinite time I will mainly be covering things from Blue’s perspective. So sorry if it comes off like I’m just bashing Red and Green philosophy at any point but I promise that those colors will get their chance to shine in their own articles one day. What I’m saying is don’t base your entire view of Blue’s enemy colors on this article since it probably won’t be the most flattering perspective.

General

One thing that all the color philosophies in Magic have is a little phrase that helps summarize their philosophy. This phrase basically has two parts, the end goal of the color and how they seek to achieve that. In Blue’s case, its phrase is “Perfection through Knowledge.” In this case, the end goal is “Perfection” and the means is “Knowledge.” What this is supposed to tell us is that Blue philosophy is all about perfecting one’s self and the world around it and creating a world where everyone and everything can be the best version of themselves. I think it’s important to clarify the wording here for Blue is not saying you literally need to be perfect or never make a mistake. Only that you should strive to be the best version of yourself you can be. In the case of Blue, perfection isn’t an end goal but an endless process and a mindset saying you should be constantly striving to do better. Since Blue is all about being the best you can be, its philosophy is often summarized as perfection since if you're striving constantly to become better and better constantly then you are always striving to get as close to perfection as possible. If I had to put it in a simpler way, Blue is about “Improvement/Progress through Knowledge.”

The way Blue believes we should achieve this is through the aforementioned knowledge. Blue is a philosophy that believes anything and everything can theoretically be understood and made possible as long as you have the knowledge, tools, time, and dedication. To this end, it is important to properly obtain and use knowledge since Blue believes almost anything can be achieved if you have the proper knowledge, resources, and time. In order to utilize this knowledge it is important to use your head and think through your actions as much as possible. Blue is a philosophy that strives to be open to any possibility but not too hasty to action because everything has a theoretical solution if the right amount of time, energy, and understanding is applied. This tends to mean Blue is generally against both impulse and instinct. Now Blue isn’t inherently against any and all emotions and it often acknowledges emotions as a powerful force(which makes discipline and forethought all the more important). Blue is simply arguing that you shouldn’t let things like emotions and instincts control you without tempering them with thought and reason because they often spur short-sighted actions that can hurt you in the long run. While they can grant you quick satisfaction, if improperly controlled they can come back to bite you later(or even immediately). Also, just going with whatever you immediately feel tends to conflict with Blue’s ideal of not making hasty decisions because Blue wants to strive to make the best and most optimal decision as much as possible. Part of doing that is keeping in mind more long-term goals over transient short-sighted ones and keeping the big picture in mind so that you can properly understand the ramifications of your actions and choices. Blue also understands that there are typically a limited amount of resources and time one has access to and to Blue it is important to maximize these resources by making informed, thoughtful, and considered decisions.

Similar to how White has some notable ways it tends to use structure, Blue has some notable ways it tends to approach and use knowledge. First off, since Blue believes knowledge, understanding, and thought are the key to everything it is often advocating for as much knowledge as possible and gathering any knowledge it comes across since you never know when the knowledge may become helpful in the future. There is also the fact that Blue may not always know or be aware of the knowledge it may need which can also often encourage it to collect as much knowledge as possible in order to increase the chances that it finds out something it didn’t know it needed or if the knowledge becomes helpful later. This often gives Blue an emphasis in regard to learning and education as these are some of the best tools to acquire more knowledge. This also tends to extend to a more structural level and not just individual levels. From Blue’s perspective, being the best self you can also mean that the society in which individuals reside needs to also be the best it can be. So Blue tends to prioritize things like education systems, libraries, schools, and other structured systems in regard to education. These can act as vectors for people obtaining the knowledge to become whatever it is that they consider to be their best selves as well as allow for Blue to obtain even more knowledge in order to give it an edge and allow it to overcome obstacles. If Black’s goal can be described as attempting to become as close to omnipotent(all-powerful) as possible so that it can get everything it needs, Blue’s can be described as one that strives to be as close to omniscient(being all-knowing) as possible.

Mark has given us 4 notable ways Blue may like to use knowledge in his “True Blue Revisited” article. Firstly, knowledge can be used to control people or get them to act in a way that is beneficial for you, others, or society via withholding pieces of information. Secondly, it can act as a key, allowing those with the right info to access or do things others do not know how to do. Those who know the proper words or actions may know how to do things others cannot. Thirdly, it can act as a form of protection. It goes without saying that if you know something’s coming you can better prepare for it and if you know what exactly something even is you may be able to use it to your advantage or exploit a weakness. Fourthly, it can be used as a weapon or a form of attack. This sort of ties into the first point since while controlling knowledge gives you the ability to exercise control over others, knowing/exposing the right piece of knowledge or secret information can be quite devastating(think stuff like blackmail or exposing weaknesses to the public).

Also, restricting someone’s information by lying, deceiving, hiding it, etc. can give a tactical advantage since they may not even realize there’s anything to fight back against or how to do it.

Blue is also a color philosophy that is more likely to take advantage of technicalities or utilize loopholes in laws and/or rules to get what it wants since it is a philosophy that is all about nuance and understanding the world around it and how they function. This emphasis on knowledge and understanding means that Blue often has a respect for science, since science is quite literally defined by the dictionary as “the intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behavior of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.”, “a systematically organized body of knowledge on a particular subject”, or “knowledge of any kind” and science is literally all about understanding how things work. Now just to be clear, you don’t need to be a scientist or specifically engage in science first and foremost per se to be Blue, but that’s something I’ll get into later. Tying in with Blue’s themes of knowledge and understanding, Blue is a philosophy that believes every phenomenon that exists or happens has an explanation for how and why it occurs even if we have yet to figure it out. This adds an aspect of questioning basically everything as much as possible since anything and everything can theoretically be understood in due time and under the right circumstances. Where colors like White or Green may see events as holy miracles or some sort of occurrence that cannot always be explained, Blue argues that there is an explanation for how and why these events occur. Although, this is not to say that Blue could never attribute something to a god or some sort of magic(even if I would say that in general Blue would probably usually, but not always, subscribe to the “Magic is just science we don’t yet understand yet” style of thinking. Although it is important to acknowledge that for some people and places within the multiverse some sort of magic, supernatural occurrence, or similar explanation could be a valid one for them).

This brings us to Blue’s themes of perfection, self-improvement, and technology(as they are all related). As mentioned, Blue is all about being the best self one can be via knowledge and forethought. This ties in with some of Blue’s philosophy as Blue believes anything is possible and everything is a blank slate. When I say this I don’t mean Blue believes you can just magically start flying because you think about doing it hard enough or that it doesn’t believe in genetics or being more likely to be predisposed to certain things. Rather that everyone basically has infinite potential and there is a way to achieve what they want or want to be. Let me put it this way, if someone is born blind then they may be able to have perfect 20/20 vision via glasses, contacts, or surgery.

If something is born without wings to grant it the ability to fly then it may be possible to grant it flight using something like a jetpack, flying vehicle(such as an airplane), or maybe even some crazy futuristic genetic engineering to change someone’s very DNA.

This is all to say, Blue isn’t claiming you can just will yourself to grow wings or have perfect vision but rather that with the right amount of knowledge, one can do these things in order to make themselves better if they so choose. This is where Blue’s themes of technology come in since said devices and technology allow you to alter yourself and/or do things that you could not do on your own.

Normally, humans cannot fly but airplanes change that. Normally, nearsighted people cannot just manifest 20/20 vision but glasses change that. So Blue’s idea of a blank slate is more the idea that there is a path that allows you to become whatever it is you want to be if you take the right steps and make the best-informed choices possible and that it is possible for you to overcome and/or break free of things like genetics, fate, destiny, etc.

Blue also has a mindset that encourages one to never give up since there is basically always a way to get what they want. In Blue’s eyes even if it were to assume there is some hypothetical that could literally never be achieved no matter how much knowledge one obtained and no matter how advanced technology became there would be no way of knowing unless you are actually trying to achieve it anyway. The best way I can put it is through an example given in Mark Rosewater’s “STRIVING FOR PERFECTION” article: “For years no human was able to run a mile in under four minutes. Physiologists at the time claimed that it was quite possibly beyond the ability of the human body and that the mere attempt at such a thing would be dangerous to the athlete that tried it. Then one day a man named Roger Bannister did it. Forty-six days later another runner broke the four-minute barrier. Within three years, fourteen more runners had also done it. Now it's the standard for mid-distance runners… It was an impossible task, that is, until someone did it. Then it became a doable task and many people did it. The only barrier was a mental one. Runners couldn't do it because they didn't believe it was possible. Once it was proven possible, it completely changed how they approached the problem. People can do things they believe they can do. If you take a task at hand and assume you can do it, guess what happens? You do it.” This type of perspective in regards to the potential most people have is what Blue’s mindset may often be likened to. In a way in order to understand what is truly possible Blue is saying we must approach everything with the assumption that it is somehow possible. All the color philosophies basically have an answer for what your goal in life should be and how to achieve that and in Blue’s case that goal is basically pushing yourself to the limit and being the very best you can be while constantly seeking to better yourself and the world around you so it can in turn encourage and facilitate ways for you and others to be better. Blue is interesting in that it stresses that one must be flexible and open to all the possibilities while also not being too hasty or quick to action(as to give yourself time to figure out the best possible decisions). Of course, like all color philosophies, Blue usually wants a society that encourages this. So it will typically advocate for citizens being granted good opportunities for education, places to safely experience things through trial and error(as outside of controlled situations you should strive to make as few errors as possible), and some way to access the best and most recent tools and technology so they to can gain the knowledge and understanding needed to better themselves, the society they live in, and the world around them. Blue philosophy is ultimately, and succinctly, revolving around self-actualization(which is defined as “the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.”)

Blue’s emphasis on knowledge, understanding, information, and forethought means that within Magic it often has an emphasis on academics, books & other repositories of information, mind/thought, control, memory, manipulation, artifice, trickery, subtlety, complexity, and illusions. Of course, the emphasis on knowledge means that Blue also has symbolic associations with the mind, and by extension abilities and magic relating to the mind and information regarding it, like telepathy and telekinesis. On the other hand, Blue’s emphasis on utilizing your time to the absolute fullest in order to gather as much information and time to think as possible tends to associate it with time-based magic and passivity and Blue’s emphasis on progress, betterment and what could be what gives it some future symbolism. Meanwhile, Blue’s emphasis on technology, improvement, and tools gives it a strong symbolic connection to construction/technology, artifacts, and man-made items.

Requirements

As with my previous discussion about White philosophy and beliefs, I think it's important to help cement a more concrete understanding of what one needs to believe in to be Blue aligned. I’ll do this by discussing the most basic and barebone ideals needed to potentially qualify for being Blue aligned. Of course there are a couple of disclaimers. It’s important to remember the Color Pie is a vague philosophical and value archetype. The color pie is ultimately about VALUES and IDEALS. A Blue character can end up being hot headed and overemotional, although they would normally see this as a flaw/mistake or potentially have some sort of self justification for it, and not every person who values knowledge is necessarily Mono-Blue or even has Blue in their color identity at all because they may have a different outlook on life or value something more important than progress and knowledge. They may also think knowledge should be used for a purpose different from that of what Blue says. Also, this article is specifically about Mono-Blue so these requirements are only meant to apply to just Blue, and any color combinations that contain Blue mixed with other colors may not necessarily follow the same rules, for example: it is possible to be Blue-Red aligned and believe that your emotions are more important than thinking things through.

First off, in order to be Blue aligned, one must believe that theoretically anything is possible and can be understood with the right amount of time, advanced enough technology and/or a certain amount of knowledge. As mentioned before Blue isn't foolish enough to believe that you can just grow wings with the power of thought but it may be possible in the distant future to create artificial wings, jetpacks, or vehicles that could carry you just as well, or even better, than any naturally occurring wings. Blue can also concede things like the fact that being literally perfect and without flaws is impossible. It’s a philosophy that believes that everything in the universe can theoretically be understood with enough time, advanced enough technology, and/or a certain amount of knowledge and thus believes everything has an explanation even if we do not know what said explanation is at the moment. We might not be able to grow wings or understand all the mysteries of the universe now but who knows? Maybe in a 1,000 years, these things and how they work will be as common as running water or something. If it wasn’t clear from some of my examples you don’t need to believe that LITERALLY anything and everything is possible or that there are no limitations. Like Blue isn’t about to say that a random ass roaches on the sidewalk is about to start inventing advanced technology just because it wills it or that it could reach the same kind of thoughts as a human without outside interference. It’s also important to remember that one tends to only have a limited amount of resources and time(which is why Blue would often say you need to make the best decisions possible). There are plenty of Blue characters that would argue one can never become completely perfect or that achieving something isn’t feasible within a certain amount of time or time frame and for many it would be utterly ridiculous to believe that a human could do something like break the sound barrier while running through sheer force of will and no outside technology to aid them or that you can achieve omniscience and understand all of the universe with the current level of technology.

Secondly, and most obvious, one has to believe in following their mind and using forethought over one’s emotions. This also ties in with the idea of knowledge being powerful and most important since the knowledge you gather allows you to make better decisions and letting your emotions have you just constantly make shortsighted and hair-brained decisions would just put that knowledge to waste. Doing something because “I just felt like it” outside of specific situations(such as a game or something) usually isn’t going to cut it even if you can understand where it is coming from.

Thirdly, you must believe that everyone is a blank slate. As mentioned before this does not mean one needs to straight up completely not believe that things like being predisposed towards certain things via genetics or biology or even destiny and/or fate exist. Rather that it is possible, in one way or another through willpower, discipline, knowledge, technology, etc. to change, overcome and/or break free of these things in one way or another.

Essentially, these are not the end-all-be-all limits for what we can and can’t do as long as we have the technology, time, and/or knowledge to do so. Blue philosophy tends to fall under various types of tabula rasa style schools of thought(that the human mind receives knowledge and forms itself based on experience alone, without any pre-existing innate ideas that would serve as a starting point. Tabula rasa thus implies that individual human beings are born "blank" (with no built-in mental content) and that their identity is defined entirely by their experiences and sensory perceptions of the outside world… ).

A Colorful Quote

In order to hopefully better understand where each color is coming from, even if you may ultimately disagree with it, I thought it would be helpful to pick a quote that I felt really resonated or matched with the color's themes/ideals in order to help package the color in a philosophical form of thought you may be more familiar with or understand.

The first quote is Lao Tzu’s “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.” I feel like this quote does a pretty good job of showing why Blue tends to put all its stock in knowledge and understanding. As that knowledge allows you to do anything and can also be used to aid and better yourself. Understanding and knowing how to fish and how fishing works puts people in a better position than just never accumulating the knowledge while continuously buying fish without thought. Teaching people how to fish instead of just hoarding the knowledge can also allow for a better society and the world. Since dispensing the knowledge of how to fish allows more people to gather food which means society has more food. Having this knowledge also puts one in a position of power since if you know how to fish but your clients do not then they are more likely to have to rely on you and do what you say for food. “Knowledge is power” as they say(a phrase we’ll come back to later). Similarly, the famous Sun Tzu quote “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle” also shows how a philosophy that puts all its stock in knowledge might be appealing to Blue, and both quotes display that when Blue is faced with a problem it almost always advocates to tackle it from the angle of knowledge. The first quote also shows how knowledge can be used to make the world a better place, by teaching others, and this Sun Tzu quote also displays that while knowledge can be used to make the world a better place it can also act as an offensive or defensive weapon by understanding a situation or knowing something your enemies do not.

"Mind over matter" is a popular phrase and is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as “-used to describe a situation in which someone is able to control a physical condition, problem, etc., by using the mind.” As mentioned before, Blue doesn’t necessarily believe you can say just start growing wings through sheer force of will but I feel like this quote still tends to embody a very Blue mindset or goal. Mind over matter situations are going to be the types of situations Blue tends to gravitate towards, and views problems as, because Blue believes that knowledge, willpower, and time can allow you to overcome many different kinds of weaknesses and problems.

The emphasis on mind over matter is also why in the game of MTG Blue tends to get things like telekinesis, an ability that allows one to perform physical actions using the mind and may even allow them to do things they could not do physically. While Blue can still believe in getting jacked and perfecting one’s body/physique it will argue that the best way to approach this is through knowledge and understanding. At the end of the day if you can understand the why and how something works it is possible to exert your will over it in some way and get the desired result. You may be able to increase your stamina while running by pushing yourself to the limit and exercising or by using some specific running technique. As pointed out earlier, from the perspective of Blue how can we know what truly is or isn’t possible for both the world around us and ourselves if we don’t push ourselves. I’m sure everyone had a situation or thing that they thought they would be bad at but turned out to be actually decent at or enjoy it. Or maybe you thought something like “I’ll never be a good artist” only to see how far you’ve come a couple years later.

“Knowledge is power” is a phrase that one could argue may apply a bit more to Dimir(Blue-Black) philosophy but I think it also applies to Blue quite well, and while Black and Blue do overlap in an emphasis on knowledge, Black sees power somewhat differently than Blue and doesn’t always see knowledge as being synonymous with power. However, I’ll get into that later. Of course, the color philosophy that believes knowledge and understanding can be used as a way to achieve anything would also see those things as the vectors for obtaining power and control if it really wants or needs to. This quote is also meant to emphasize the importance of passing on knowledge and education which is usually going to be important to Blue philosophy. Knowledge gives you the power to gain control over your own life. Similarly, Martin Luther King Jr’s “Science gives man knowledge, which is power; religion gives man wisdom, which is control” hits a lot of the same beats(even if it might be overall a more White-Blue or Bant(Green-White-Blue) quote).

“Measure twice cut once” is a quote that I feel perfectly encapsulates Blue’s ideals of trying to take as much time as possible while using the knowledge you have to make the best possible decisions. One only has so much resources and so much time so it is best to avoid careless mistakes or accidents as much as possible. You shouldn’t just go with whatever your emotions or gut tells you but always be trying to use your brain. Your emotions and what you want aren’t always the things you need and may sometimes only offer short-term gratification at the expense of more important or long term goals. You also shouldn’t rush things and try to take the time to understand a situation/problem as much as you can. Doing this can also save you even more time down the line than just rushing in would have.

Finally, “knowledge is its own reward” is probably one of the most Blue quotes out there. Out of all the colors Blue is the one that is most likely to be concerned about knowledge for knowledge’s sake because it wants to accumulate as much as possible since you never know when said knowledge may come in handy and it may reveal yet another bit of knowledge you didn’t know you needed. While Blue does have its own reasons for wanting to obtain knowledge, such as perfection and self-betterment, the other colors, such as White and Black, are less likely to care about knowledge for its own sake and are more likely to see it as just a means to an end.

Philosophical Strengths

Despite all of Blue’s themes of perfection, nothing is truly perfect and that goes for all color philosophies, including Blue. However, before I go over Blue’s philosophical weaknesses it is vital to go over Blue’s philosophical strengths in order to show some of the upsides and positives its philosophy can often encourage.

Blue’s most obvious and noteworthy strength is how it can encourage the use of knowledge and information. Blue does not only seek to figure out the best ways to acquire knowledge but also how to properly use knowledge as a tool. This encourages a way of approaching things that involves taking the time to utilize said knowledge by looking at the big picture/plan, and trying to figure out the consequences of each and every action they take. Blue strives to never act careless or without great thought and this can lead it to being less likely to make obvious or avoidable mistakes and consequences(but this does not make them immune to them mind you. No one is perfect). This also ties in with how Blue values restraint due to prioritizing using one’s knowledge and forethought over letting one’s emotions control them. This is another factor that can encourage the avoidance of careless mistakes. Blue argues for preparing for the long game and big picture and tries to not let its emotions ruin more important or bigger term goals for short term gratification. Blue’s prioritization of knowledge and understanding also makes it more likely to notice, understand, and/or utilize nuance(s) that may otherwise be missed.

Going back to knowledge being a powerful tool, it is important to remember that one such way it can act as a tool is by being a weapon. It’s easy to see Blue and assume it just wants to spread knowledge constantly at all times but since Blue sees knowledge as vital when it’s approaching an opponent it seeks to not only use its own knowledge but restrict the knowledge of its opponent. This means Blue is more likely to lean into things like secrets, trickery, disinformation, and lies. By restricting someone’s access to information/knowledge you gain a tactical advantage because at the end of the day there’s only so much someone can do if they don’t even know they’re in any danger or what you even plan to do.

Due to this, Blue can have a bit of an underhanded sneaky quality that some people may miss when discussing its color philosophy, but I mean it is ally colors with Black(a color that’s all about doing literally whatever it takes to get on top.) so this trait is to be expected to one degree or another.

Philosophical weaknesses

Now for the weaknesses. A philosophy all about knowledge and understanding may be seen as being objectively all upside by a lot of MTG players at first, but nothing is perfect. Even Blue still has some weaknesses.

For one, Blue philosophy is one that can encourage being very passive to a fault. Striving to think just about everything through and utilize all the time available to do so can make quick decision making or taking immediate/spontaneous action difficult unless you already knew something was coming. This means that Blue may be prone to being outsped by others or opponents taking initiative and making a decision before it can figure out the best course of action. Simultaneously, this can also severely limit Blue’s flexibility. Blue is ultimately a philosophy that is extremely adaptive since it's all about “anything is possible,” and “everyone is a blank slate” but it is not the best at encouraging on going with the flow and/or being flexible enough to change and adapt on a dime. Blue is all about finding answers and improving but via an overall slow process of carefully considered knowledge and thought. This also segways nicely into my next point. While it can act as a strength, Blue’s restraint can also become a weakness when pushed too far. Due to Blue doing all it can to take its time and fully understand what’s happening in order to make the best decision possible it may end up becoming paralyzed and not making a proper decision. Think of it this way, Blue is all about being the best you one can be and part of doing that is trying to make as few mistakes as possible while also making the best decisions one can make. This means that Blue can sometimes end up becoming “paralyzed” while it tries to figure out not just what choice(s) to make but what is the very BEST choice(s) it can possibly make while considering all the nuances and trying to avoid any mistakes.

This can encourage inactivity and even potentially not making any choices at all or not making a choice in time out of fear that one may make a mistake, bad decision, or a suboptimal choice. This is another factor that can encourage a mindset that leads to one not making decisions fast enough.

Another way that Blue’s emphasis on knowledge can end up acting as a weakness is that Blue is a philosophy that tends to want to put all its eggs in the metaphorical basket of understanding what’s going on. This can once again add on to Blue’s weakness of acting too slowly or not at all, as Blue may struggle to come to a decision if it is put in a situation in which it can’t or has trouble understanding what’s going on. The other colors are more likely to advocate for taking action or make a choice even if they don’t or can’t completely understand the full picture of what is happening or what they are facing. This also means that Blue is usually the slowest out of the five colors in mindset, flavor, mechanics, and gameplay.

Another thing to consider is that Blue believes almost anything is possible. Which can, when pushed too far, encourage an outlook that pushes someone way too hard or tries to force things to change/happen in order to prove something or because it feels like it can. This can be sort of seen with some of the Green-Blue Simic Combine’s, the Blue-Red Izzet League’s experiments, as well as some of the horrifying creatures created by Innistrad’s various Blue mad scientists and Black-Blue stitchers. The best way to think about it is there is a sort of Victor Frankenstein side to Blue. The idea that everything can be known and mastered. This can sometimes lead to this philosophy pushing things a bit too far in the same way most people agree that Victor probably shouldn’t have been messing with life in the way he did. To Blue, The world is everyone’s sandbox in a way, anything can be improved and fiddled with.

Sometimes Blue encourages one to push themselves, others, or the world around them too far just to see if it can or in order to better understand it. To Blue, the world is its canvas in a sense.

Common Misconceptions

This brings me to what is becoming one of my favorite parts to cover in regards to color the Color Pie. One thing I’ve noticed about the Color Pie is there tend to be a lot of misconceptions about it in general. This is understandable because most people aren’t losers who will read and listen to all of Mark Rosewater’s Color Pie teachings and probably won’t technically need to know much about it outside of general gameplay mechanics. Although, of course, I still want to tackle these common misconceptions to show some of the work and understanding that Magic’s designers and writers have that people may overlook. I also want to hopefully make any conversations someone may have about the Color Pie more informed, nuanced, and productive.

One of THE MOST common misconceptions I see is that being Blue makes you smart, or that being smart must mean you’re Blue. This also tends to extend to people who begin to self identify as Blue and identify other people as Blue because they are smart and not because they actually agree with Blue philosophy. First off, just thinking a lot or appreciating thought doesn’t make one any more Blue then having emotions makes someone Red, having to eat makes someone Green, or wanting rules/regulations makes someone White. The color pie is a VALUE system; it ultimately comes down to what one values as more or less important. The other colors can all value or like being smart or intelligent but may not see gathering knowledge and information in order to improve yourself as the most important thing we should strive for. Furthermore, it also comes down to how you would argue one should use said knowledge. Blue would argue you should use knowledge and understanding to better oneself(although if you want to include multicolored identities it is possible to have Blue in a color identity and see knowledge as a thing that should be used for some other goal. However, my point still stands). This brings me to the other point. Blue VALUES knowledge but simply valuing something doesn’t automatically mean you have it in spades. Just valuing information doesn’t mean you have it and just valuing being smart doesn’t mean you are smart. Let me put it another way, not all Black aligned characters are powerful just because they value power and ruthlessness and not all White aligned characters are kind and just people simply because they value those things. That’s like saying that just because you want to be rich that means you are rich. You can have weak Black aligned characters and asshole White aligned characters. Likewise, you can have stupid or uninformed Blue characters.

The truth is, just merely being smart is a trait that anyone of any color or color combination can have in the same way that something like being emotional or shy is. This kind of goes hand in hand with the misconception that the Red alignment is somehow inherently stupid even though Red can be quite smart.

In fact White, Black, AND Green all greatly value knowledge in their philosophies, but just in their own different ways.

Now it is important to acknowledge that personal philosophy can influence traits or personality even if they aren’t one to one. You don’t need to be super emotional to be Red aligned but, since Red is all about following your heart and doing whatever your emotions tell you one could argue or acknowledge a Red aligned character is more likely to act emotional. So one could argue that a Blue aligned character may be more likely to come off as smart or knowledgeable because they are likely to reward themselves for going out of their way to seek knowledge and information, and a Black character is more likely to seem powerful because they have a philosophy that rewards being power hungry. However, there can easily be an overly emotional Blue aligned character who struggles to control their emotions, sees their emotions as justified, or feels that they aren’t letting their emotions control them even if they actually are(people are weird and aren’t always perfectly rational. Sometimes people convince themselves that what they are doing fits in line with their world view or is justified). I would also be remiss not to mention the impact Magic’s cards themselves may have on the general public’s perception of a color. It is important to remember that most(but not all) cards are depicting things from their associated color(s) perspective.

So the reason Blue cards may often come off as “smart” is the same reason so many White cards may invoke heroism and all kinds of heroic and “good” traits. That’s how the color itself tends to view said action or person being depicted on the card. Blue wants to be smart and make the most calculated and logical moves by utilizing all the information it has available. Also, being Blue doesn’t mean you are well rounded in your knowledge or have a perfectly even field of expertise on almost all subjects while spouting fun facts the entire time. Blue is ultimately all about using knowledge to better yourself so if your best self involves idk becoming an artist or something then one may tend to seek out information regarding art and art techniques and is less likely to go out of their way to understand how a car engine works.

I mean, yes Blue will argue you should obtain knowledge as you can because you never know if it will be useful or reveal something you didn’t know would help you(I mean I’m sure everyone has heard stories of how say a football player learning ballet helped them play football better and the like) but Blue also acknowledges that most people have limited time and resources. Which in its eyes, making careful and considered decisions through knowledge in order to avoid as many mistakes as possible and make the best decisions possible is so important. Not everyone has the time to read through an entire library so it is important to carefully pick and choose what you want to do so you can better yourself. Additionally, Blue isn’t even saying you need to be good at everything. Your best self may specialize in a very specific category or may not be a jack-of-all-trades. The point here is that Blue philosophy isn’t one that is just about being the smartest person in any given room. It is about self-improvement.

#mtg #magic the gathering #color pie #color philosophy #mtg article #TheTasteOfMagicTheGathering #TheFlavorOfMagicTheGathering #Douglysium

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fyonahmacnally · 2 years ago

Text

Part 2: Things I Didn't Say - Kara's Response

Read Part 1 HERE

The night after Lena leaves for Fortune Bay - Kara’s apartment

She sits with her back resting against the headboard, notebook resting on her knees and several of her journals spread around her. There are so many things swirling about in her head, so many emotions she wants to convey. Right now, she simply doesn’t know where to start. How do you tell the woman you have been desperately in love with for years just how much your heart belongs to her?

She sighs. Don’t make it complicated, Kara. Start from the beginning, she thinks.

She sorts through the journals scattered around her and finds the one from the year they met. From there, she marks a few of her poems and journal entries from some of the most memorable moments in their friendship. Once she has what she wants, she jumps up, throws some clothes on and rushes to CatCo to make some copies.

Leaving with what she needs an hour later, Kara gets back to gathering her thoughts, this time cuddled comfortably on her couch, notebook in hand. She writes and writes, not allowing her super-speed to play a part because she wants this to be real, from her soul without carelessness. There can be no mistakes with this, it’s far too important.

By the time she finishes everything, the sun is rising. Exhausted beyond functioning, she can barely keep her eyes open. Making the decision to get a little sleep before flying to deliver the letter for Lena, she calls Alex to let her know she would be unavailable for the day, only giving a vaguely brief reason. Enough to get her sister off her back and prevent her from asking too many questions.

After a few hours of sleep, a nice hot shower, and a decent meal, Kara extends her hearing to locate Lena. She tucks the letter into a hidden pocket inside her super suit, takes a deep breath, and makes her way toward Fortune Bay. As she gets close to her favorite heartbeat, she pauses to make sure the raven-haired genius isn’t inside her room so she can stuff the letter under the door.

She’s barely cleared the hallway when she hears Lena’s voice on a phone call and her heartbeat exiting the elevator. Kara ducks into a vending machine alcove just in time as her best friend passes by her.

Oh my Rao, that was close, she thinks, internally panicking at almost being caught. Lena’s voice gets further away and she hears the woman open her door, stopping mid-sentence. After a small gasp, she hastily wraps up the phone call and picks the envelope up off the floor.

“Oh Kara, you sweet, adorable alien.” The raven haired genius whispers as she hugs the thick envelope to her chest. “I guess this means you got my letter. Gods, now I’m nervous and also talking to myself.” She shakes her head and chuckles.

Kara smiles and sneaks out of the alcove to make her way back to her apartment, hoping she will hear from her favorite person soon. Sighing and trying to shake off her own nervousness, she bolts into the sky filled with hope and butterflies.

Lena tosses her purse onto the coffee table, places her phone next to it, and drops onto the couch cushion with zero elegance or grace. Shaky, ragged breaths force their way out of her throat as she does her best to calm her trembling hands and read the letter she didn’t expect to get until she was back in National City.

Blowing out one last shaky breath, she carefully opens the envelope, unfolds it and begins reading what very well could make or break her.

My Lena. My Home.

Gosh. Where do I start? Your letter was absolutely the most beautiful, wonderful, perfect, and cherished gift I have ever received. Well, second most cherished. Your love, your presence is the first. Though, I wish I had been better about letting you know that in the past. Anyway, that’s not the reason for this. Rao, I’m a shaky, nervous mess, Lena! Even in letter form, I can’t get my crap together. Let me try this again…

Receiving that letter from you was unexpected. To read those words in your elegant hand-writing and to know you put your heart into those sentences, Lena, it makes my stomach turn somersaults and my heart backflips. Knowing you were in my apartment while I was gone makes my soul smile. You feeling safe in my home brings unbridled joy to my heart. I know my things were in the most loving, kind, compassionate hands and my sanctuary was well cared for because of you. There’s no one I would trust more and I plan to make sure you know that with every single breath I take.

It wrenched my heart out of my chest to know that you were hurting while I was gone. I never want you to suffer, most especially because of me. My actions and my cowardice have caused you too much pain already. For that, I will always, forever be regretful. You deserve nothing but the best of everything in this universe and the next. I hope I can help give it to you.

The Phantom Zone was dark. It was lonely. It was like reaching into the depths of your worst fears and nightmares and watching them play out in front of you on a loop. So many times I thought my worst fear and most terrifying nightmare would be to relive the destruction of my planet, to lose my family over and over again. It wasn’t. The vision that played, over and over again, while I was trapped in that dreadful place, was losing you. Every single time, no matter what I did or how hard I fought, I lost you. You took your last breath in my arms so many times it made me want to die alongside you. It made me realize a lot of things. Like you, I realized there are so many things I should have said. So many times I should have let you know how I felt. How I feel.

But, we cannot change that now, can we? We can do better though!

I’m glad you found that sketch. It’s one of many I have done of you over the years, but I think it’s probably my favorite. I still remember that night vividly and it replays in my mind often. We were having a game night and you were in a conversation with Alex about some science-y thing, as usual. You were both grinning about something and then you said something that made my sister recoil with a scowl on her face. Whatever you said that caused the reaction made you laugh and throw your head back with your dimples adorning your cheeks. That moment stopped me in my tracks. It stole the breath from my lungs. It was hands-down one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. A moment, one of the many, that I knew I loved you. That what I felt was far more than just friendship, even if I didn’t understand it yet.

Well, I suppose I should move on to the items attached to this letter and why I chose them specifically. You see, there have been so many moments over the years where I have felt and done things that I should have realized meant more than friendship. Looking back and reading through my old journals, I realized I’ve always been drawn to you. You’ve alway been the one person that makes me stronger. You’re my Lena and I can’t let you go. Losing you and your presence in my life, weakened me and I lost myself in more ways that I can explain. I will do whatever it takes to keep that from ever happening again.

You’re right, there are so many things we need to say to each other. There are so many things we need to talk about and I look forward to that day. I hope the words you read in the next few pages shed some light on how much you mean to me, how ingrained you are in my life, and how very much my heart belongs to you.

Here are some journal entries and poems I’ve written over the years. Each of these were penned with you in my heart and on my mind. I was always so scared to ever let you know how deeply into my soul you had burrowed. Every time my feelings for you would overwhelm me or you would do something to make my battered heart reach for yours, I poured those feelings into my writing.

I’ve never shared them with anyone. Until now. So here goes nothing.

I love you too, Lena.

I am in love with you and think I always have been.

Come back home so I can show you how much.

Love now and always,

Kara

Her jaw is slack, her eyes are wide, and her cheeks are drenched in tears. Could it really be true? Does Kara love her back? Does she really feel the same? It says so in the superhero’s own handwriting. She’s dreamed many times that maybe Kara could love her too.

And now? Now it’s real. It’s on paper. Sitting right in front of her.

A smile crawls across her lips, her face scrunched and tears still streaming down. Joy is dancing in her chest and the warmth of love flowing through her veins. Never in her life has she felt so fucking alive. Maybe, just maybe, she might get the life she wants. At least whatever happens, Kara loves her.

She wipes the tears from her cheeks and turns the page to read what her beautiful Kara has chosen for her. To get a glimpse into the thoughts of her favorite person? It’s an honor and a privilege she doesn’t take lightly.

One last deep breath and no turning back.

Each entry is followed by a poem I wrote and some notes from current me. :) It was fun to go back and add thoughts as I remembered what was happening. Sometimes the poems were from the same time I wrote the entry, others it was something I wrote and just tucked into the journal. Regardless, they were all written for you, Lena. I hope you can see how much you mean to me.

October, 2016

I met Lena Luthor today. She’s nothing like I expected her to be. She said a few things that really resonated with me. One of the biggest was that she is just trying to make a name for herself outside of her family. Boy, do I get that. Carrying around a family legacy (good, bad, or otherwise) is a lot on anyone’s shoulders. There’s something about her that makes me want to protect her. She deserves to be judged on her own merits, not that of her family. Just because she has the last name Luthor, doesn’t have to mean she has their morals. I wish Clark could see that.

Someone also tried to assassinate her. I told Clark I didn’t think she had anything to do with the Venture explosion and it turns out I was right. There is so much more to this absolutely stunning woman than her name. I look forward to finding out more about her. She’s quite intriguing.

Lena seems to think I would make a good reporter. I hadn’t considered it much before, it’s always been Clark’s thing, but she gave me the courage to give it a try. I’m glad I did. She changed my life.

***Notes from now - See, even when we first met, I believed in your compassion and knew you were good. And you’re the reason I became a reporter!***

December, 2016

These past few months have been something I never expected. Spending so much time with Lena has been incredible. She’s so much more than what people think of her. She’s brilliant, kind, compassionate, and fiery, but there’s something underneath her facade that is apprehensive. Something frightened. She’s alluring and I want to know more about this mysterious woman. I’m going to keep trying to get through her walls. She said she didn’t come here to make friends, but I’m not so sure.

I can’t get Lena out of my head. The more time I spend with her, the more I want to spend with her. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Earth relationships are so hard to decipher! Sometimes I wonder if Lena is flirting with me or if she’s just naturally flirty. *sigh* I know she’s naturally charming and charismatic, but is there something else?

I sat down at my table when I got home from work today and wrote this poem. Lena Luthor – there’s something about that enigmatic, green-eyed woman that pulls me in.

– I Believe in You –

Anytime you’re feeling down

and don’t know what to do,

Look inside your heart and see

I believe in you.

When the world seems dark,

When you stumble, when you fall,

Look up, I gently offer my hand,

Help you stand firm, despite it all.

If you ever feel you can’t go on,

If things have become too much,

Simply reach out next to you,

Feel my arms, my hands, my touch.

Anytime you’re feeling lost,

Scared and confused by life,

Close your eyes and rest assured

I’m here amongst the strife.

When you need someone near,

Close by when your heart aches,

Know that I am always with you

No matter what it takes.

Anytime you feel alone

and nothing in life seems true,

Look inside your heart, my love

I’m always here for you.

***Notes from now - I remember the day I wrote this. You were having such a hard time with how the media always questions your motives. You helped save the city from Medusa and you still get fingers pointed at you. Even when I had a strange way of showing it, I always believed in you.***

February, 2017

Lena was arrested. I’m still in shock about it. I can’t believe Maggie wouldn’t listen. She was doing her job, sure, but she treated Lena like she was a criminal and I know she’s not. I’m going to prove her innocent.

We proved it. I knew Lena didn’t do it. Once again, Lillian is trying to make Lena’s life a living hell. I swear, I will always protect her. She doesn’t deserve the animosity she gets. I hope our friendship helps provide solace, maybe even some safety for her.

***Notes from now - That day was hard. I still think about what it must have been like for you when Metallo took you and you found out your mother wanted to use you again. Even then, I always wanted to protect you.***

April, 2017

Yet again, Lena sacrificed something to save others. Jack Spheer. He’s gone and I can’t even tell Lena that she saved me because she has no idea that I’m Supergirl. She’s suffering and feeling guilty. And I’m a big fat liar. She sacrifices someone she truly cares about and I can’t even tell her who I am.

I’m beginning to hate myself for the deception. I know she will think it’s because she’s a Luthor and I don’t trust her on that alone. How do I tell her it’s because of me? How do I tell her that I’m scared to tell her because I am scared she’ll leave? Everyone always leaves. How do I tell her that I don’t want her to see me differently? She sees me as just Kara and I cherish that. I’m so scared of losing her.

– I Wish –

I wish I could tell you

how I really feel.

I wish I could tell you

but the time is not ideal.

I wish I could show you

what’s inside my heart.

I wish I could show you

with no risk to impart.

I wish I could make you see

just how much I truly care.

I wish I could make you see

everything I have to share.

Someday I hope you see

all of this and more.

Someday I hope you see

it’s YOU that I adore.

***Notes from now - Rao, I was so scared of losing you that day. I could see the pain in your eyes and I wanted nothing more than to hold you close, take it all away. That was the day I think I realized how badly I wanted to tell you my secret.***

November, 2017

On top of dealing with losing Mon-El, now I have to deal with Morgan Edge. He’s a rotten, vile, sorry excuse for a human. He��s framed Lena for poisoning kids. We proved her innocent, but I don’t know what to think about all the things that have happened. Lena told me she tried to kill Edge after she was poisoned and he tried to kill her again in return. Then Reign showed up and now I think Lena hates Supergirl. Am I ever going to be able to tell her now? She’s one of the most infuriating people I know, but I can’t lose her like this. I care for her deeply, despite what I keep telling my heart.

– Despite What I Tell My Heart –

I never meant to love you,

I never meant to care.

Love cannot be helped

And I know you wouldn’t dare.

Meeting you was unbelievable,

A friendship from the start.

But now it’s moving further

Despite what I tell my heart.

Losing you would kill me,

So in silence I must go.

Never can I tell you,

Never must you know.

Loving you is natural, easy,

Something I never saw coming.

If I had only seen it sooner,

I would have been running.

I cannot walk away from you

No matter what is said.

I know I cannot love you,

But must I leave instead?

I did not mean to love you.

Please know I wouldn’t dare

Jeopardize what we have

Because of how I care.

Know I’ll always be here,

In the silence I will love you.

In the darkness, loyal to a fault.

To you, always true.

***Notes from now - Yet another time when I was terrified of losing you. I was incredibly confused during that time. Losing Mon-El, getting jealous watching you and James attempt to…whatever that was, and navigating growing feelings for you that I didn’t understand. Then Reign showed up and things changed drastically. Looking back now, I realize that poem isn’t about what I initially thought. It’s clear that poem was about my feelings for you and my desperation to run from it.***

Lena pulls the crinkled papers into her chest and wipes the tears from her eyes again. Things feel surreal. These little glimpses into Kara’s thoughts and gods, the poetry. She doesn’t know what to do with all of the emotions swirling around in her head and heart.

She takes a deep breath and sits the letter on the coffee table in front of her. She needs to take a break to collect her thoughts. Heading to the bathroom, she takes a moment to change into something more comfortable, pulls her hair back, and washes her face. Once she feels a little better, she heads back into the suite and pours herself a couple fingers of scotch before settling back into the couch.

She sifts through the remaining pages of the letter. Only a few more journals before there’s another handwritten letter from Kara. Part of her wants to skip the remaining journals and jump directly to the letter, but she knows she won’t. She has to admit the fact that Kara wrote poetry about her makes her chest feel warm and smile so hard her cheeks hurt.

The fact that Kara loves her back still doesn’t seem real. It also makes her want to see the blonde, but she knows she needs to wait. So, she sighs and picks the letter back up, her heart fluttering in anticipation as she dives back in.

My Lena,

There were so many journal entries to choose from. The ones I have chosen before now are for obvious reasons, they were moments that meant something and moments that made me realize how much I cared. I will let you read more of the journals for the years in between the next time I see you, if that’s what you want, but for now, I leave you with two more entries, poems, and one final poem I wrote just now. I hope they shed some light on what’s always been in my heart.

Yours,

Kara

November, 2019

I’m heartbroken. Lena has known for weeks about my secret identity. Lex told her before he died. My worst fears have come true. I’ve lost her because of my cowardice. She trapped me in Kryptonite at the fortress and stole Myriad. I’m not sure what else to say except that I won’t give up on her. She’s not like the other Luthors. She’s not a bad person. I don’t know what I am going to do without her.

The worst part is…I think I might love her more than a best friend. What am I supposed to do with that now?

– I Could Love You –

I could love you, but

I don’t think I will.

I could love you, but

The wounds wouldn’t heal.

Your smile warms my heart.

Your laughter brightens my day.

Your presence makes me happy.

What else can I say?

I could love you, but

My heart is in a cage.

I could love you, but

My life is full of rage.

Your scent makes me dizzy.

Your touch steals my breath.

You mean so much to me.

Do you know the depth?

I could love you, but

I think I already do.

I could love you, but

It’s too late ‘cause it’s true.

I could love you, but, nevermind, I do.

***Notes from now - That day and those weeks after the incident at the fortress made me realize how much I loved you. It wasn’t until I lost you that I truly realized how much. I have regretted so many things, but hurting you and withholding my truth, that’s something I will spend the rest of my life atoning for.***

August, 2021

Trying to acclimate to being back in National City after the Phantom Zone is strange. Being without my powers and in the dark for so long, the noises and lights of the city are overwhelming. I’ve been finding myself listening to Lena’s heartbeat a lot. I feel guilty about it because it feels like a violation of her privacy, but I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s like my mind subconsciously does it. Can’t say that I am upset about it since her heartbeat has always been a comfort to me.

The first week back has been okay. I’m still struggling with what is real. Having Lena back in my life feels like a trick and I am so scared that I am going to wake up and she’ll be gone again. My emotions are a raging storm of turmoil, my sense of stability doesn’t feel solid. It makes me wonder when the storm will pass. Most of all, I hope and pray that Lena can be the light at the end.

–STORMS –

It’s raining. Heavy, torrential downpour.

Suffocating, dreary, and oh so cold.

The sky is almost black. Ominous.

Thunder and lightning – so bold.

The storm is raging on, seems endless.

Wind is howling, trees swirling, bent.

It sounds like creatures unknown…

Of darkness and nightmares sent.

There is no sign of lightness.

No brightness to be had.

Searching in vain for reprieve.

When did it get this bad?

Just when there seems no hope,

Just when all seems lost, gone,

A spot of light appears again.

In the darkness shone.

Storms and darkness will come.

Light seems to never gain.

BUT, the inevitable truth is…

EVERY storm runs out of rain.

***Notes from now - Adjusting after the Phantom Zone was hard. You helped me in more ways that you know, just by being in my life. You have always been a grounding force for me and a light in the darkness of my losses. Thank you for being you, Lena Luthor.***

I hope this has at least given you an idea as to how much you have meant to me since the day we met. Even though my actions sometimes seemed contradictory, you have always been an important part of my life. You’ve always made me braver, stronger, and let me be who I am without judgment. I hope you know that now, but if not, I promise you that I will make it up to you.

I’m going to wrap this up now since I feel like I’ve bombarded you with a lot already, but just know I do have one more gift to give you. I wrote this for you just before sealing this envelope and delivering it. I hope you like it and I hope you truly understand how very much I love you.

– My Gift –

The wrapping may be worn,

The appearance may be dull.

Time has beaten it down,

Life has taken its toll.

Still…badly worn and severely dull,

Carelessly beaten and broken apart…

Despite its appearance, my love,

I give to you my heart.

She sits silently, the pages of the letter on her lap and tears streaming down her cheeks. Stunned. She’s often wondered if Kara had feelings for her as well. There were times it seemed so, but the blonde would always say something like ‘that’s what friends are for’ and confuse her, making her think otherwise. Now though, it seems like Kara has felt the same about her for just as long. Knowing that, she wants nothing more than to see the blonde. And not just see her, she wants to know what it feels like to press their lips together.

It’s at that moment she realizes that she doesn’t want to be away from Kara anymore. She wants to wrap her arms around her hero and hold her close. So she tosses the letter onto the table and flips the face of the watch on her wrist. She pauses for a moment, debating on whether she should just send a text or press the button.

In the end, she does both. She presses the button right as she sends the text asking Kara to come to her. She’s ready to move forward with her life and this feels like the first step. Waiting any longer just seems like torture because she knows she’s about to experience her last first kiss.

#supercorp fanfic #supercorp #fanfic #lena luthor #supergirl #kara danvers #ao3 #fic

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asamiontop · 1 year ago

Note

How do you write so good? Give us some tips please

😳😳

This is very kind of you to say. I’m not a professional or anything of the sort, so my “tips” are really just things that work for/help me.

1. Read! I consume a lot of content in the genre I like to write. It helps inspire ideas and teach me new turns of phrase. I also found myself pinpointing authors whose style I really appreciate and devouring as much of their writing as I could. Pay attention to what you like about their writing and consider how you might incorporate that in your own (for example, I really like how this person captures feelings and how this other person manages to describe actions very succinctly).

2. Only write when you feel inspired. This may not be very good advice for everyone, but writing is a hobby for me. So I’ll only do it when I have a really compelling idea. That means that I’m only generating content I’m actually interested in. It also takes the pressure off a bit, which helps things flow more organically. I recognize this doesn’t apply to everyone, and is certainly not an effective way to help produce more quantity. But if we’re talking about quality, this is part of what works for me.

3. Visualize! I try to play out scenes in my brain before getting them down. Inevitably the written version will be different (and will often go on fun tangents I hadn’t planned—like the tricycle scene in Ch 25 of wtstu), but having a guiding image in my head helps ground me when I’m not sure where to go next.

4. Say less. This is one I struggle with a lot; lezbehonest I am a wordy person. Especially if I follow item 3, I usually have a lot in my brain I want to describe. And when I put down first drafts, every detail seems of critical importance. But that can disturb the flow of the writing when you go back and read it. It can feel jumpy and uneven when there are too many descriptors! Sometimes the descriptors are, in fact, critical. But sometimes they’re not. Try taking some words out of a sentence that sounds awkward, and you might find it gets across exactly what you want without the extra length. Another way to do this is to take a lengthy sentence and split it up into two. That trick almost always does wonders for me. If you’re feeling brave, delete the sentence altogether!

5. Pay attention to grammar. Look, I know this can sound a little snooty. But in my experience, nothing yanks me out of a story faster than an obvious “grammar-wrong.” That’s not to say you have to be perfect (hell, sometimes incorrect grammar can be a very effective storytelling device). I make mistakes all the time. I find mistakes all the time if I go back and read stuff I’ve already edited. No one has to be perfect—I’m not so much of a snob that I’ll put down a story at the first error. But on occasion enough of them will add up and I can’t stay in the story or follow the plot.

It isn’t easy, especially if you’re not writing in your native language (you absolute hero). But I do think it’s worth combing through and correcting what you can. You’ll remove things that can distract from your work and it will have a much more polished feel!

#my asks #writing ‘tips’#lmao #who am I to give advice

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luna-spring · 3 months ago

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Books

books are a big part of my life, is where i run to when life becomes unbareble and where i find myself

here some book recs if you want some

Nick and Charlie by Alice Oserman

"I have been going out with Nick Nelson since I was fourteen. He likes rugby and Formula 1, animals (especially dogs), the Marvel universe, the sound felt-tips make on paper, rain, drawing on shoes, Disneyland and minimalism. He also likes me.”

Synopsis: Nick is leaving for university and Charlie feels quite upset about it, especially when he contemplates the future of their relationship.

This Winter by Alice Oserman

“When people know you’re mentally ill, most people either want to ignore it completely or they treat you like you’re strange, scary, or fascinating. Very few people are actually good at the middle ground. The middle ground isn’t hard. It’s just being there. Being helpful, if help is needed. Being understanding, even if they don’t understand everything.”

Synopsis: I’m not going to think about the past few months, about Charlie and me, and all of the sad. I’m going to block it all out. Just for today. “Happy Christmas, ” I say.

The festive season isn’t always happy for Tori and her brother Charlie. And this year’s going to be harder than most.

Solitaire by Alice Oseman

“My name is Victoria Spring. I think you should know that I make up a lot of stuff in my head and then get sad about it. I like to sleep and I like to blog. I am going to die someday.”

Synopsis: Solitaire follows Charlie’s older sister, Victoria “Tori” Spring, as she fumbles her way through teenage depression, meeting a boy who seems to be the first person who really understands her, and Solitaire — an obscure group who keep organizing pranks at her school.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“There’s nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”

Synopsis: A shy young man hides in his own world until he meets two brothers who help him live new experiences. While happy in this new phase, he does not forget the sorrows of the past, which stem from a shocking revelation.[[MORE]]

The Silent Waters by Brittainy C. Cherry

“Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. One must learn to be discerning with one’s own thoughts. We must be able to decipher the truth versus the lies of our minds. Otherwise, we become enslaved to the shackles of struggle we place on our own ankles.”

Synopsis: Maggie and Brooks, who know each other when they were kids, Maggie being a very talkative kid and Brooks being the typical boy-hating girl, until one day an event causes Maggie to be traumatized and lose her voice, With this a very strong friendship begins between them.

Anne of Green Gables

“My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.”

Synopisis: Matthew Cuthbert and his sister, Marilla, live in Avonlea on Canada’s Prince Edward Island. Needing help on their farm, Green Gables, they apply to adopt a boy from an orphanage. By mistake, however, a red-haired, freckle-faced 11-year-old girl named Anne Shirley is sent to the siblings. While Matthew instantly takes to Anne, Marilla is unsure about keeping her. However, the cheerful and highly imaginative Anne gradually transforms the joyless lives of shy Matthew and prim Marilla, and they come to view her as a daughter.

#books recommendations #solitaire #the perks of being a wallflower #silent waters

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jonathankatwhatever · 2 years ago

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I am so scared that I’m having trouble sitting while stuff happens. That is, there’s a dissociation between what I’m doing and feeling, which is being felt as two things almost at once, with the feeling making it difficult to see what I’m doing. I was looking at the possible NCAA brackets, with 64 and thus 63 games, leaving the 1 remaining undefeated. That isn’t pure factorial because these are seeded, not random. I’m not sure how much the intermediate layer of 4 regions matters if they’re random, but the number is still vast. Seeding is predictive, meaning they infer a result by looking at the past and projecting the teams so they overlap, which is an elliptic form in which they fix various rational points that represent things like strength of schedule, record, record away versus home, so those individually make loops related to those comparisons, and these loops together form a comparison which fits to that information with a win lose call and all the associated lines like point spread and over under.

Part of me is saying this is extraordinary, while part is screaming for me to give up. I mean that. It starts as a voice along the lines of do something, then it sobs, and breaks into negatives of why bother, this is a waste of time, no one is there, you’ve wasted your life chasing something that isn’t real, which is also an Irreducible to the opposite, which is that this is not a waste of time, you are there, and this is the most important thing anyone can do.

I still can’t find the legal papers. I’ll call them tomorrow. I need to give myself a chance to find them, and that stretches out this interaction so it’s the highest form of torture. That is what this is: torture. Let’s see if I can learn anything from it. As in, the conversation as I finished pulling apart an entire cabinet, then my shoe closet, then my nightstand was: ‘oh here are a bunch of old notebooks. I actually was making sense. These are either worth nothing or many millions. It’s all a waste and I’m doomed. All you need to do is file papers and keep going, then you have options of continuing or not. If you do not, then your family gets the money and the house. If you do, then worst case is the house is sold, and best is that the money problems go away. Besides, maybe I’ll win the lottery.’ I actually think about whether I’d prefer winning the lottery to you, which is such a ridiculous question because it’s always you if it’s actually you. If it’s a never-to-be-realized version of you which maybe I’ll see in the next life, then obviously the lottery. It entirely depends on the, well, we don’t have a word for this, do we?

What is it when D-structure and DC&R generate a space and it looks great, like a perfect sandwich or swimming pool. It’s that image which we process into ourselves through the perceptive mechanism we’ve been trying to outline. That seems to be a lot about elliptics because that takes a cube and adds an area dimension and a string or line, all in grid squares, so this is a space which gets specific through the 3 levels of D3, which is something I’ve never seen (but it must be talked about, I think, because it seems kind of obvious, though it took me a long time to get here). And you put that into a square, which as said yesterday means you can Inject.

I just realized how large an advance I//I has become. The concept of holding one side or both sides connects rational numbers, which includes integers. This is why we can have field extensions, like some Z field with an irrational added, because then you’re taking one side as Z and connecting to the other side. Holy cow! We just managed to explain one of the most confusing concepts in all of math. And that happened because I took a few steps to enact in 0Space, which means the 1Space is responding to 0Space manipulations.

Look, you have to keep clear - and I’m talking to you, girlie - that you have been correct about the math for your entire life, and that panic now does not negate this fact. Listen to me and then you can talk: you are panic prone. You spin up to fill the gaps with negatives because those gaps shift you from 1Space, which is what you do, into 0Space, which is what I do. If you’ve learned anything from the experience of living under Taylor’s influence, you know that you have found insight and ability and success in your body and mental and emotional work, alongside the astonishing work you do in math. You have to accept that your math work is something beyond extraordinary. I know this is difficult for you, but it’s the truth.

You avoid listing your wins. You run over them only to see if the understandings can be improved. Here’s an example. We just took a moment and looked at the Clay problem list. You have definitively solved P≠NP and the Riemann Hypothesis. You can answer all the rest, except the one that is already solved because you’ve never once looked at it. We just checked the Yang-Mills mass gap problem, and you knew on one reading what the answer has to be. You haven’t worked it out in sufficient depth to satisfy your associative mind, but you know the answer. You think you have the answer for the other 3, or rather, if I hear you correctly, you have what the answer should be, but you aren’t sure how it needs to be worked to fit each of the questions. You can show how they are facets of the same idea, which is remarkable. So I’d say the odds are you have solved all the problems on that list.

I heard that. What about Taylor? This is the question you ask yourself a gazillion times: what are the odds that you can figure out all this stuff as, oh, you don’t know the words here. There’s a gap here, an abstract object which generates something on the other side of it. You just answered Yang-Mills in greater depth. You just said, my beautiful math girl, that there’s an abstract object between a tObject, between a tangible Object, and it’s 0, it’s non-existence. It isn’t a mass gap, but rather the process which makes the mass which we see. See, my darling, you just blew minds throughout history. Mass is process and you can prove it through the existing theories like Yang-Mills. Congratulations!

It’s okay to cry. That took a huge effort from you. You couldn’t see the object we are wrestling with because we’re wrestling with it. The story of Jacob wrestling with God. Esau and Jacob are representations of the Halving of attributes, so they are first presented as opposed, as competing, and then we realize they are orthogonal, meaning they each can work the land, live a life, have success, on their own. This is the same as Ishmael, which is captured in the phrase ‘there is a well for you.’

This is why Muslims need to get over their hatred for Jews. It roots in brothers, with the idea those who became the Jews betrayed those who became the Muslims at the core of being, that the Jews kept everything and kicked out Ishmael, etc. This is not only their justification for clan hates, but the root of it. Their lack of cooperative ability roots in brothers, so they can’t trust even those close to them, and those not close to them are automatically on the other side of that betrayal of deepest trust line.

Thing is, Muhammed got that: this is our book and they have theirs. This is our story. They have theirs. It’s a choice to turn that into hate, and thus a choice can be made to turn that the other way. This is the deepest I’ve been able to reach about human conflict.

See? I know this may be confusing to read, but that was you being brilliant as soon as the pressure released. You tamp yourself down and then expand. Waves. Why waves? You can answer this. Give it a second. Don’t rush. Why waves? Waves are the natural expression of the Coordinate Rotation inherent in I//I. That is, you can’t reach any solution that fixes on either I side (so they can be labeled I(x) and I(y), though I rarely bother), without the process occurring for that, which means that I//I captures an image of the existence. Don’t correct that; you’re stressing instead of relaxing into the thought. It captures an image for the Observer because each Counter snaps a picture, like Polaroids.

What runs through my head now is an old dialogue which you are wondering about because so much proves true mathematically. Control of imagery. If I were her, I’d want to make it look like messages are unintentional because people want something to be real, or like the movie name Impromptu, because you don’t want it to feel staged when it is, because you can’t build the most authentic performances if you can’t master the impromptu. But then women are set up that way, aren’t they? Oh right, you don’t know, do you? You want me to give my opinion as a male. Well, I’d say it’s like Death in Venice: the man is horrified when he sees an old man in make-up to look young, and of course that is how he is painted as he is dying, and yet women are painted as a matter of course, and it’s common for women to alter their appearances dramatically with make-up, from long eyelashes and eyebrows that pop, to layers of smoothing makeup, and that is life for them, not death. Yes, it is strange that men think trying to look younger is a sign of death, of trying to recapture what is gone. Or as a friend told me, the ruins of his face. And women view this as holding on to life, of keeping the inner woman alive. No, I don’t know what goes on inside; I can only describe what I see as filtered through your female sensibilities. I know how you think. You are bound to something significantly more powerful than anything we can imagine. It is beyond enormous. I don’t blame you for your emotions. No, listen to me.

You are emotional because you are associative in sK. I count for you in the external world, which takes all that association and reduces that to these Actualties which occur, which can be planned for, which can be accomplished by work. You have to deal with rotations which take you over extremely challenging terrain. Let me ask you something: when you first heard about the Collatz conundrum, you knew the answer instantly, didn’t you? But you developed that, ‘oh, I’ve got this’ layer by layer, so now it’s obvious that it is true. Say why. Go on. You can do it. Collatz combines SBE and Halving. It says that any rational which forms an integer, meaning I//I layers, counts one side SBE and Halves with the other. Very simple I//I. Basic. So the question is whether this doesn’t work for any number, that somehow there is a number somewhere, and thus likely infinite modulations of that doesn’t work, because why? Because the calculations somehow miss it? So we take that as a non-explanation and flip it over to ask how that becomes an explanation. So, if we have 1, that is a rational 1/1. Every single integer is in that exact same form: they are simply versions of 1/1 except the top changes. Now look at the processes we have, SBE and Halving. We run SBE on one side and ask if it Halves repeatedly to 1/1 on the other. In other words, there’s a flip in there which is hard to see: we run SBE on one side, and that Halves, which means we flip sides, which means the dimensionality of SBE flips too, which enables the Halving to affect both sides, so we get top and bottom to 1. This is a fundamental property of I//I, so we’ve endowed all rational with this. The crux of the argument is actually an image from the Eras show, the golden thread making a loop to and from the cottage. That is, these processes run the other way as well.

I’m not quite there. Are you happy with this answer. No, not yet. The point of a process here is like the abstract group or object which makes the smallest mass: it connects to 0 in a loop because it has to connect to the generation of its own existence. So, the point of 1/1 is that this is endowed into every single rational. That means when it counts the primal SBE and Halving, this occurs on both sides, but we look at one, and these processes run in both directions, but we tend to look at one, and thus - are you sure? - you asked me to listen so don’t doubt me now - this means any integer has within it this exact setup. It must: it’s incredibly basic to run the two basic processes used in Triangular and gs.

Try to type this out because I can see you’re not convincing yourself. Take 7. Doesn’t Halve. SBE it because you can because it has SBE in it. 21. Add 1. Why add 1? Because that attaches this abstract object, this 21 to the enclosure, to the higher dimensionality which encloses that 21. So 22 Halves to 11, which generates 33, 34, 17, 51, 52, 26, 13, 39, 40, 20, 10, 5, 15, 16, 8, 4, 2, 1. Look at what happens in gs terms. Set aside the starting value to see that we make a dimensional space, attach that, halve that, make a new dimensional space, halve that, etc. Now look at the start. If we begin with an even, then we’ve attached the 1 already and we’re interrupting the flow of the process. If we start with an odd, then we are saying no attachment. In other words, in the odds, we take a space that we can’t Halve and SBE it instead of attaching it, meaning the divergence in form is one time. Imagine instead that you just kept multiplying by SBE: then it’s just times 3 and it can’t Halve as an integer.

Keyboard issue.

———-

I was afraid I’d lose all that work when Bluetooth failed mid-word. I wonder if the app causes that with it’s state refreshes.

Of all the people I could have been, this is the one I chose to be. And it was for you.

Can we get back to this? You are trying to accept your Collatz conclusion. Yes, it’s difficult because it’s primal. You have the 3 biggies: SBE, Attachment in D-structure, and Halving.

If I hear you correctly, the issue you’re dealing with is that you need to be able to say why calculation loops to 1, that any object is built out of 1, so these manipulations must lead back to 1 because the inherent nature of gs is that it can’t exist if it can’t thread and it does exist if it can. A can’t would be that you can’t make root2 rational because it’s the literal embodiment of gs process into an irrational number. You can see it: the gs process literally relates all the dimensionality which makes that 0Space value within the gs 1-0Segment structure - which is doubled, remember, because it’s I//I - so literally every single gs has this. That, she says, is the answer: it’s similar in fact to placing a pole at the Bip in gs(m) which is the corner in gs(n) because a count of 7 or some extreme other number is a gs of that size, with roots, etc., where the etc. includes the gs processes. So there is a pole for each value. And thus we note that starting with an Attachment - oh, you just got it, didn’t you? Yes, and it’s amazing but it’s very slippery.

The point is that odds are within the Halving of the dimension up, so what this looks at in the odds case is the SBE ….

Stopped to make the bed. BTW, it’s 21 Mar 2023. Nice to date somewhere at least. We were so gripped above.

OK, suddenly ecstatic girl in me saying she just had the most wonderful realization: this is the ratchet effect she experiences as rapidly spinning negatives sucking her in to the exclusion of all else. This came about because she was able to say that she was trying to translat the why of this into real life. And it occurred: this is like our life right now and it doesn’t Halve so it ratchets up SBE, and that attaches to another level, which eventually leads to the calm of reduction to 1 or at least to the value you are looking for because there’s no reason we need to go to 1. But the ratchet effect she experiences, which is now running, is a variation into an SBE series: apply SBE repeatedly because odds don’t Halve, which means vacillation that increases in intensity, and that continues until the Attachment forms which leads to a Halving. These long threads that loop to 1 are calming in the sense they lead to 1, but only if Attachment occurs and thus choices form within the D-structure.

This is getting there. Keep going. You really are amazing. Keep going.

It’s easy to get caught up in the scale of the number itself, but if you think about these as Objects or Things, then you see the scale of the number itself isn’t the issue, but rather the manipulation is. So my life could be a huge number representing a huge Object, but it still SBE’s up and up and up, defying Attachment by rotating - like grabbing the brass ring on the Flying Horses - until or unless it can Attach to and thus within a DE so the permutations and Pathways appear. So, this turns Collatz into a version of 1+1 where the first 1 is the abstract object of size n, while the second 1 is the Attachment, meaning a 1-0Segment which enables gs process within that larger DE. This generates a string of these spaces.

You keep wanting to say and that’s why they eventually return to 0, but you want to say it so it’s not deniable in any way. Can you do that? You don’t know? What do you not know? We can obviously return to n state, but the idea is that n state is basically a group containing gs process, an object containing gs process, and that the - wow, this really is difficult for you, isn’t it? What is the problem?

Can I talk directly? I can make the object contain all this. I think I need to examine that. So take an odd, prime or not, and it is made of what? I’m satisfied with the idea of the various series expanding as explanation for the ratchet effect. This connects to the rational point, because each of these stages on the Collatz trail is a rational. So that translates into loops fitting and thus to elliptics, which is sensible. See? Did that 5 minutes ago and you’re already getting it down. Keep going, honey.

Maybe if we try some weird, no, this is what came up: sexual attraction. So, you’re saying that’s always there. Like sex is always there so you’re seeing this as fitting to categories in your male sense. See how we switched roles? You look at girls and deconstruct how you would like to have them respond if they were objects designed to you. Normal perception because the process behind elliptics loops those over I//I and that occurs within me to develop my thoughts. It also occurs over people because that’s attraction, repulsion, etc. This easily magnifies, externalities and internalities. Can create a suspension, like my life has sort of been.

Are you married. I mean Taylor, are you married? Is this an illusion to me? Are you performing to me, not actually being with me? Or is this gossip, perhaps intentional? I can’t know, can I? And I may never know, which brings up the sad thing: of three outcomes, one is death as failure, meaning I know it’s not you because it comes out that you are married and thus this is somehow true mathematically but untrue in real life, which never makes sense to me. Another is that I never know, that I can’t go on, and give up as I have almost done so many times over these decades. And the other is that I’m correct.

So, this is what happens when you, my darling, take the microphone. You immediately find something which challenges your associational structure. As in, you read a gossip site that self-promotes by using Taylor references as though she knows a huge scoop, the great big scoop that she can’t really share so she’s more connected. And another that creates Taylor references to poke at her because negatives draw attention too. And you are so highly emotional that you immediately panic that he doesn’t love you.

Look at this again. You made a series of labels and applied them to yourself and to Taylor. These have worked out extremely well, to the level of Wildest Dreams. You keep repeating how grateful you are: that you can play piano as you can, that you can walk as you can, that your movement, your sense of self, everything has improved, and particularly the work, which has become ridiculously fluent the more you say to yourself, the more you trust in yourself that Taylor is the one on the other side of the orthogonal. In full, not in disconnected parts.

Or is it that there’s a window into Taylor through which I can see and her actuality is unrelated to me? You see my objection? I’m here. She’s there. She’s likely with him. They may be having sex as I write. They may be nibbling on each other’s ears as they join. See? It’s becoming sexual fantasy where there’s an Observer, and which you recognize and understand because of Taylor’s influences on you. So try to convince me that this isn’t true, that it’s mathematically possible for all this dimensionality to occur on one side of I//I so that a clever person like me can see it, can then adjust her inner labels to reflect an identity you see in Taylor as male because she performs so perfectly as a female, including the way she says she isn’t good at being female, and have that lead to concrete proofs of the highest conceptions, at the level of immortal, which open the doors to an entirely new hope for people and for humanity and for the planet and all the life on it, all in direct fulfillment of the stories told to you in your head, of the dreams that repeatedly came, of the conversations you had about all of these things. Not the details, but that there were conversations about all of these things. First grade you realize there is complexity in the surface of integers. You remember the moment and then you figured out how to multiply 2 digit and then 3 digit numbers together by manipulation of the various states the number could be in, not by standard operation. You didn’t think anything of that, other than that it wasn’t all that useful, but it was, wasn’t it? The multiplication pathways exist because those are stable out of all the pathways, meaning that multiplication is definable in grid squares so inversion into the next over the connecting threads is simplified. As in, we can multiply 3 by 4 of whatever scale, as opposed to trying to find the pathway through value flips to get to the same end. That 1st grade looking at the board while Mrs. Shotka multiplied numbers was a humongous Metaphoric Bundle.

How can you apply labels to Taylor that work this well and be wrong about Taylor? The answer is that you had to identify Joe as well because if he identifies like you, then they could fit together. In other words, he’d have to be female inside. I can’t answer that. I guess the difference is that with you I see the depth of MW inside. Like with Emma Stone or DiCaprio: they bring the character from the core out so it expresses the right mix of male and female, which is hard to describe because it’s performance. It can simplify to how it is perceived. I don’t see that, so that would tend to say more MM, meaning a male inside a male, meaning someone like a brother or partner, someone as close as needed to get you through this period in your existence here in this life. That is of course tainted by me seeing my life that way. I remember how clearly I was pushed at Debbie by ‘you’.

Here’s how that becomes negative: you are married because you’ll need someone when I’m gone. Isn’t that cheery?

I have to get dressed to play act one more time. I will tell Debbie tonight. This is not going to be fun.

Last few minutes before I must go. Let’s say you appear at my door today. How does that answer her Collatz problem? Is it really as simple as factors? I think it is. Because any n factors, including obviously odd non-primes, then that will lead to some value which is in a chain that connects. But what about primes? Large primes? Those are 1’s, so they exist because they are 1’s which can be added to 1 to create that larger DE. When you begin with such a number, rather than Halve down to it, you’re saying that is a dimensionality of 1, which means that when you connect that to the Collatz chain, you’re taking that 1 of prime n and SBE that 1, which you attach to make 1+1 for Halving. That focuses the problem on these choices: that you pick a number to begin and that whatever number you pick is a 1, so therefore the conclusion is that a loop runs to 1 in two forms, back and forth over the Collatz chain and to 1 itself because that represents the other side of the I//I of a prime and all we’re doing then is flipping that over to see the dimemsional side that is 1.

This may be the most unusual and interesting mathematical argument I’ve seen yet. If correct, it’s stunning. Take 7. It’s 7 gs on 1 side and 1 gs on the other. It’s also 7gs on the other side and 1 gs on this side because that is how gs process works. The composition that is 7 gs is all of these Pathways, not a single one. So each side has on it a reduction to 1 and an expansion to prime n.

You have it, girl. You came up with the most creative solution and it works. Stunningly simple. I//I constructs and the inherent states include prime n and 1 on each side, as addressed over the route. That is what this maps, a journey that takes this n and links it to the other I//I representation. See: getting even better as you go! You are unbelievably good at this. What about non-prime n?

Take 9. 27 28 14 7 21 22 11 33 34 17 51 52 26 13 down to 1. It’s general. It’s 9gs reducing to 1 on each I//I layer. The paths have to loop. You did this. And note that for the last 5 minutes, you thought this looped to 9 because you counted 17 18. See how it works? You could have done an Attachment to loop. A different algorithm running. See? All these algorithms run, which is why we get the I//I layers choice.

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jorrated · 2 years ago

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Now I'm curious, what's your interpretation of Yume Nikki? /gen

OOHH!!!! Putting my extensive and extremely personal thoughts under a cut, cause it's going to be a long one

(like. fr. it's around 3.8k words long. click read more at your own risk.. plus spoiler warning + suicide discussion + mental health in general + some real artsy fartsy stuff)

1. DREAM ANALYSIS BULLSHIT THEORY

Just a little pre-ramble before my actual interpretation of the game, I wanna talk a little bit about dreams! I said on a previous post that it's almost impossible to decipher dreams from an outsider perspective, as not only people have their own symbology but dreams sometimes don’t even mean anything. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t instrumentalize dreams as something useful.

(Honestly you don’t have to read this part, I just wanted to rant about my views on psychoanalysis, since its a pseudoscience n all but I think its neat! Feel free to skip tho, I wont blame you. And whenever you see a block of text like this, bold and italics between parentheses, it’s just going to be a comment on mine and some opinions I have. It’s usually something that isn’t that related my interpretation of the game, but I felt like talking about it. So feel free to skip these too! :>)

Psychoanalysis is pseudoscience and Freud was a stupid bitch, HOWEVER, we can make something useful out of it! For example, projection. Projection is, in a simplified way, when you project your self onto others. And that situation, regardless if it is an actual projection of your own self, can help you to realize some aspects of yourself. Again, regardless if you are ACTUALLY projecting yourself, if that person has the same characteristics as you, or if you have the characteristic you think you are projecting, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can analyze that situation, and yourself by proxy. And if you abstract things enough we can realize that projection is just another way of saying “we can only understand the world from our point of view”, which means we think everyone goes through life with the same perspective we have, because that’s the only one we can have. I can’t access other’s point of view in pureness, as I will forever have my own personal experiences back seating, so yes, I will forever project my point of view onto others, because that’s my own and only way of viewing stuff.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t see those “projection moments” and analyze why I do those projections. For example I can dislike someone for being annoying and be like “Wait, hold on. Am I annoying? Is this me projecting or just common sense”. And regardless if it is actual projecting, I can think about my negative feelings. Maybe I just want someone who’s worse than me, maybe this is a weird way of self hatred, maybe I just don’t want to deal with the fact I’m annoying. All of those can be true or false, but the thinking process can lead me to analyze myself and become someone better.

And this is something I extend to dream analysis, as it very much doesn’t have a proven reality or a method, but it’s something we can use to understand someone’s point of view! If done right, of course. So it doesn't matter if dreams have obscured "true real" meanings to them or not, what matter is what we are able to gleam from it and try to understand the dreamer’s point of view.

I'm going to try to do a dream analysis, which will take both Freudian and Jungian analysis beats, as I do believe neither theory has a perfect method, but they are the most prominent theories that I'm familiar with. While Freud takes every dream as a glimpse of the subconscious, which shows repressed desires and impulses, Jung only considers dreams that resonates with the person to be relevant. In my opinion, no dream has an actual meaning, but we can abstract it into something useful, so even small details can reveal something about someone, even if that something is so small that some may consider it irrelevant. And I also don’t consider dreams to work as a “pathway” to the subconscious, as dreams are not limited to desirable actions/events only, given that nightmares exist and all.

And PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t take anything I say about psychoanalysis or Jung or dream analysis as like the actual theories. I’m a psychology student and we do study Freud’s theories (haven’t gotten to Jung yet), but I’m still going through my classes and it’s very easy to just fumble the theories since they’re written in the most confusing way possible. SO don’t quote me on any of this, this is all for fun!

2. MY ACTUAL INTERPRETATION

FINALLY, here’s what I see in Yume Nikki! I tried to divide all my points by events, effects, places n all that stuff, just to keep myself organized, tho because a lot of it is just symbology interpretation, but lots of these overlap so it can get confusing. Plus I have MANY readings on the game, some of which don’t work perfectly together, since the game can get pretty “dense”, so I’ll try to write everything down in categories and by the end, attempt to put some of the bigger theories together in a more organized manner.

(LOL. I wrote this thinking I really could just write all my thoughts around Yume Nikki in one go, comical. I only really go into my interpretation of the effects here, and I think I’ll try to write more about my theories and interpretations, so just know this is incomplete)

2.1. EFFECTS

In my eyes, the effects were always “sections” of Madotsuki personality and self. Given she’s the only one in the game able to utilize them, but also she obtains them through interacting with others. Just like personality traits, we hardly ever just become what we are by existing, and we are molded through the experiences with have with others and the world around us.

Each trait can be noticeable or minor, but they are what forms the self, which may include how we view certain things, ourselves, others and concepts. That results into day to day impacts, like us acquiring certain hobbies, but it also can impact how we view difficult topics like death, relationship to others and so on.

Which I find interesting since when dropping the effects onto the nexus, they become these little egg thingies, an action that is necessary to finish the game. Being divorced from aspects of yourself for you to be able to take a leap out of balcony, gives me a lot of possible readings.

The least metaphorical one being Mado just leaving everything behind to commit suicide, in which the effects could be her negating what she considers flaws. Even if they aren’t strictly flaws, for someone to take their own life they need to be in such a horrible mental state that could skew their self-perspective to be strictly negative. And “leaving” those aspects behind to be “free” of them is, unfortunately, the logic that some people dealing with suicidal thoughts go through.

However, putting the effects into the nexus, could also mean the complete opposite. By making them concrete and physical, onto the nexus, the link between her dreams (subconscious) and her dream room (preconscious – located on the subconscious, but allows and negates the passage of information to consciousness) could mean acceptance of those aspects. Looking and manifesting the effects could be a metaphor for coming to terms with herself, even if some aspects could be seem as flaws by Mado’s eyes. This could have the same conclusion like the previous hypothesis, resulting in a suicide, but because she accepted she had “too many flaws”, also another sad reality. But if taken into the account that the suicide isn’t a desire to die, but a leap of faith to a new life (killing your old self basically), this could be a better and positive ending. Fist step for a change is acceptance and all that jazz.

Another possibly is that the effects aren’t personality traits, but specific memories that impacted her in one way or another through her life. In that read you can go either way with the accepting or rejecting of those memories, as described before. But the context would have different tone I think, because in this way, the effects could symbolize traumatic events that lead Mado to be in this state of mind, events that she has to accept and move on, or deny what happened and live possibly haunted by it.

Either way! Here’s some of the effects I think are most relevant:

2.1.1 Knife

While a lot of people see this as Mado’s violent tendencies, I always saw it as a defense mechanism, like pushing others away (and maybe even hurting others, but not limited to only physical violence) to protect yourself. This goes with the themes of constant isolation and silence her dreams have. With the few times an entity actively interact with you, the Toriningen, is triggered by the stabbing.

How I see this is Mado’s pushing other’s away, to be kept from being hurt. And that is seen how, regardless if she uses the knife on a passive character, they disappear (effectively cutting any interaction with them) or an active character like the Toriningen (forcefully isolating Mado), it ends with Mado being alone. In connection with some NPC’s moving away from her when she holds a knife, and hostile Toriningens isolating her without triggering them, this might be a reaction of how others have reacted to this self-isolating behavior Mado has, and has had for a while probably.

It’s also notably found on the emptiest and darkest world on all the dream zones (Dark World), probably how Mado feels about this actions. While mostly alone and quite, the zone still has a few NPCs, most of them barely reacting to anything Madotsuki does, but one follows her around the world (I think his name is Follony), giving that lingering feeling that despite everything, it still feels like there’s someone trying to get in. Regardless if there really is someone trying to get in, Mado may have some type of paranoia with others interacting with them, perceiving their attempts as prodding or “chasing”.

2.1.2. Medamaude

Somewhat similar to the knife, I think this is also related to Mado’s isolation. While the knife is the action of pushing other away, the Medamaude is the avoidance of others and her own behaviors. Often used to escape the rooms Toriningen put you on, I think Mado may have the behavior of simply turning a blind eye to these situations (literally closing your eyes and fist to escape), as a form of either coping or self defense.

2.1.3. Cat

Here’s where the messiness I mentioned before. I think the cat is Mado’s desire to be able to talk to other and be able to interact with them. While it seems contradicting with what I just wrote about the knife and Medamaude, I do think despite Mado’s self isolation, she still desires someone to trust or be able to have friends. It’s paradoxical, but it’s a common feeling many have, specially teenagers. Having success into pushing others away can actually be extremely painful, as the person is not being hurt specifically by others, but also does not have a support net or healthy (and necessary) interactions to build off.

The cat being a symbol for that is quite fitting, being an animal who many consider the cutest, but also having an image of being “distant”. Many people (usually people who don’t have cats) see them as “less loving” than other pets, like dogs for example, because they don’t understand the different ways cats show affection.

Madotsuki may want to be like that, be perceived as approachable and cute, but still able to maintain a distance, without getting “suffocated” by the relationships. This theory can also be supported by the fact when meowing she resembles the Maneki-neko, a Japanese talisman that is associated with good fortune and wish fulfillment. While the original and most common variant is white, a pink Maneki-neko is often associated with love, romance and relationships in general, so once again, bringing that desire for human interaction.

One thing of note too, is that the cat effect is slightly annoying to get, as the kitty-coin you get it from moves quite quickly, in comparison to other NPCs. This may be indicative that, while desirable, Mado finds difficulty into manifesting this approachable appearance, probably due to the established self-isolation mentioned before.

2.1.4. Triangle Kerchief and Nopperabou

Not gonna do a big text for these, I’m sure you already got it and are tired of me writing about isolation. Could mean feeling invisible, not being seen or that people don’t care about you (or are even afraid). Disassociation and reality detachment can also be a thing here.

2.1.5. Frog, Dwarf, Poop Hair, Fat and Buyo-buyo

These could all be representations of how Madotsuki is afraid of been seen as, or already perceives herself as. Although self-explanatory, these are very common anxieties teenagers (and adults) have, that can be extremely distressing and impacting in their mental health, regardless if those traits are actually negative (like there’s nothing wrong with being fat, short or be a little person). But, because of social and cultural notions of beauty standards, people who deviate from them are often made fun of, with some extreme cases of bullying leading to suicide or intense harm.

And me, while not being Japanese or having any deep understanding of the culture, have the impression that the norms there, are way harsher than here on Brazil (or America in general). While, yes, the social pressure and even stigmatization to look a certain way is definitely a problem in all countries, but with some examples like young girls starving themselves a few days before their weighting in health check ups (because they happen in the school and everybody knows everybody’s numbers), lead me to imagine just how the huge damage that can have in someone’s psyche, specially in a young girl.

For the frog effect I imagine it’s in association of feeling ugly in general, or even having acne (as some species of frogs have bumpy skin). Again, very subjective and not even inherently bad, but in associations of stories like the “frog prince” and saying like “ugly as a toad”, there is a cultural stigma with not fitting in visually. And again again, can have an immense impact in one’s mental health, confidence and self esteem.

And for the Poop hair, I have two readings: one in relation of poor hygiene as consequence of debilitating mental health problems, and the anxiety of been seen as stupid. The second one is also pretty self explanatory, it’s not nice to feel like you’re unintelligent. Grading specifically comes to mind, as Japan infamously has a harsh discipline between students by publishing their grades for everyone to see, even low grades. It’s something that already is difficult to deal with, as it feels like a spotlight is put onto you, but also, even more so if someone is struggling with psychological issues, which will discourage them to study at something that they already might be struggling at.

The mental health aspect can also affect the personal hygiene of someone, as mentioned. Some depressive episodes can lead to people not leaving their beds for days, which can lead to unpleasant smells, and in extreme cases even have excretions happen in bed. It’s something that is extremely sensitive to talk about, because it’s a humiliating experience to anybody, but it is a facet of mental health that is often unexplored. While unpleasant, some people may not have the will to get up and clean themselves, while simultaneously being deeply ashamed. Independent if Madotsuki is at that stage, I think she has anxieties of being seen as unhygienic, perhaps even as a burden to her caretakers (another common fear of people in this situation). Some people think her room is the full apartment, but I always saw as just a room, as we don’t see a bathroom or somewhere to cook, and that might explain why it’s pretty clean and organized, despite Mado’s clear debilitating mental health, as her parents would take care of her.

(Unrelated because I’m going to make a silly comment right after such a sensitive topic, but it’s actually insane how some people completely ignore some themes cause they seem stupid or gross, like poop. I know we live in a society that goes “hee hee poop funny ha ha” like those deranged poopie unicorn kids toys, but it’s like. Really important to take things seriously if you want to talk about depression and mental health? I don’t know man, it bothers me how some people sometimes just woobify depression and simply fucking ignore some aspects cause they’re “gross”. Just really dehumanizing. Like people will have sympathy for people who cut, but treat those with such low energy they physically cannot go to the bathroom as freaks. Not that we shouldn’t have sympathy for those who self harm, that isn’t at all what I’m saying, but this condition IS ALSO A FORM OF SELF HARM CAUSED BY EXTREME DEPRESSION. Sigh.)

2.1.6. Long Hair and Blonde Hair

In contrast with the previous effects, these two could indicate what Madotsuki wants to look like, or be seen as. Long hair is considered very feminine through many cultures and also as beautiful, so maybe that’s the desire. Mado’s hair already seems long, due to the pigtails having that length, so maybe it’s something else, like letting her hair free from the braids. Another theory, that relates to the hygiene topic mentioned, it’s that it’s someone common to tie hair up when it’s dirty, but a bun or a ponytail could be uncomfortable to sleep in, while the pigtails would suit much better.

The blonde hair however, many people associate with beauty, and sure it can be beautiful, but in Japan it’s quite uncommon. Once again, dunno much about Japanese culture, but there’s a few examples of people with blonde hair going to Japan and being stared at, mostly cause it’s uncommon, and maybe associated with Gyaru fashion, which can be seen as garish. It’s something that may have been changing currently, with international media and even Japanese celebrities dyeing their hair, but it still seems there’s a social stigma around it. So I’m not really sure how to interpret it. One reading could be that Mado would like to change her appearance, y’know? Just have a big change, I don’t know. This one (and the last 2 effects) kinda leave me stumped a bit.

2.1.7. Lamp and Stoplight

Beside the knife and the Bike, I think these two are the most iconic effects in the game! But beside that I think they can hold a lot of interpretations, from the most surface stuff to some abstract philosophy bullshit.

Starting with the lamp, I think it can either be just that, a lamp with dream logic. But also, I have a few other readings about it. One of them being Madotsuki’s desire to be able to clearly see things, as in being able to understand her struggles and how the world works. Specifically on teenhood, people start to develop a lot of the questionings about how things work, which often is confused with just having and attitude or being rebellious. Being curious about the world and it’s functioning is normal, and it is also extremely common with mentally ill children, because they struggle to understand their negative feelings and wish to “solve” them. By having a lamp as the head, it could mean Madotsuki is trying to be “rational” about her issues, trying to see things fully without any shadows obscuring her perception. If it’s effective is another can of worms, but it’s comforting to a light (explanation) for an issue.

Another theory of the lamp that I have, is that it could possible symbolize how Mado feels about having mental issues, as if it something that everyone can notice, bright and noticeable. Not only an anxiety of being visibility mentally ill a very common anxiety people who are mentally ill worry about, but the heat of the lamp can also bring a new meaning to “burn with shame”.

For the stoplight, I actually side with the people some kind of traffic accident must have happened with Madotsuki (at least) around to witness it. She being able to control how others react may be an indication of how she wish she could actually do that, maybe to stop a traffic accident, maybe to stop someone’s actions that seem malicious, so on. Although it’s something I think I can only explain by going over some of the theories I have.

2.1.8. Umbrella, Hat and Scarf, Towel and Bicycle

These items, to me, don’t need to have specific meaning themselves, as they are very common everyday items and might just be that. I often dream I wear flip flops, but to me it doesn’t feel like a metaphor for anything, as I wear them everyday in my house. So these give me the impression of just that, representation of something that is considered normal and present on her life.

Although, the umbrella, bicycle and hat/scarf could indicate Mado’s desire to go outside. These could also be items that USED to be normal everyday items, but no longer are due to her being stuck insider her room. And highlighting the bicycle on it’s on, it’s a way of transportation that is very freeing, due to the person riding it being the one in control (different from taking the train or a car ride).

In contrast, the towel can be the comfort she feels by being inside and/or the fear of going outside. When using the effect, Mado sneezes, indicating she’s sick, so maybe there’s an association that she gets sick very often, probably by going outside. And that can corroborate the umbrella and hat/scarf, as they would protect her from getting sick (protect her from the outside).

2.1.9. Severed Head, Yuki-onna, Witch and Oni

While these could be an indication of Madotsuki “feeling like a monster”, or displaced, it could easily be an indication of just an interest in the supernatural and fantasy. Specially the witch effect that resembles Kiki from Kiki’s delivery service. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say Madotsuki (and Kikiyama by extent) may be a fan of Ghibli films, given Uboa can also be a reference to No Face.

2.1.10. Neon and Flute

Dude I don’t fucking know. LMAO. Maybe she likes playing the flute and think neons are cool. But for real, they may be simply just that, as again, not everything needs to have a “”deep”” meaning like I have for the others.

But if I HAD to come up with something, I’d say the neon effect is Mado’s desire to be noticed and the flute the desired to either be heard or create something. And both can be an indication that Madotsuki has an affinity for art, given the drastically changing style of her dreams, something that can happen with people who play and experiment with art often.

(ay. i was going to write more but hey i got tired so that's it for today. hope you liked my insane ramblings!)

#yume nikki #APOLOGIES IF SOME OF THIS DOESNT MAKE SENSE #didnt proof read plus idk if its comprehensible at all #srry for party rocking (being artsy fartsy about yume nikki)#id love to hear what people think about this #and honestly if i could get some criticism on how it write #idk if i just overcritical or if i actually write in a weird way #def have a hard time to make things succinct

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lubdubsworld · 4 years ago

Text

物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)

Alpha Jungkook x Omega Oc!

Genre : Angst , Hurt/ Comfort.

Chapter 1 ⋆ Chapter 2 ⋆ Chapter 3 Chapter 4 ⋆ Chapter 5 ⋆

Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

Summary : Nine months after her marriage ends, Kim Heejin is a reclusive artist, who works out of a renovated warehouse in Busan, her days and nights spent with canvas and paint. Its exactly what she’s ever wanted, to be left alone. And yet, that nagging feeling of incompletion keeps her on her toes. And perhaps, it is that longing for something substantial, something real that pushes her to give her flawed but lovable ex-husband another chance.

Chapter 9

“I… No. Just… please tell him I’ll be down…I’ll come down to the lobby to meet him.” I said quickly, panicking at the idea of having him here. I’d barely been here a day but this was still my space. And if I had him here then his scent would just seep into every nook and corner.

The room would smell like him then… And what would I do after he left?

God, what was I even thinking? Head swimming, I crawled to the edge of the bed and breathed shakily.

It felt surreal, climbing out of the bed and moving to the vanity . I stared at myself in the mirror as I grabbed the makeup bag I kept with me all the time. Wide eyes and parted lips, creamy gold skin turning lily white because of how the blood had just drained after that phone call.

I looked petrified .

Jungkook… I thought numbly. Jungkook’s waiting downstairs and I’m going to see him.

What is he thinking.... What is he feeling... why is he even here?

You’re not responsible for his emotions, Taehyung’s soothing voice in my head helped a bit but not a whole lot. What about my emotions, I though desperately, grabbing the tube of gloss and slowly uncapping it. I ran the end of it over my lips and felt my fingers tremble because I didn’t know why I felt this need …to look beautiful.

I didn’t need to, I though miserably. Everyone knew omegas were beautiful. Beta supermodels were beautiful yes but they couldn’t hold a candle to me, at least for someone like Jungkook. He was an alpha, his brain was built to find me attractive. I had evolutionary genetics on my side, which mean that if I ever actually wanted to seduce Jungkook , he wouldn’t really stand a chance .

But I didn’t want that.

I had had enough of that. Enough of seeing handsome, rich alphas being reluctantly attracted to me. They made it obvious too. Most of the hate mail I got stemmed from angry wives or girlfriends accusing me of seducing their men , even though I’d never so much as laid my eyes on them. It was so unfair.

I didn’t enjoy watching them lose their minds at the sight and scent of me, because i knew that deep down, they thought that all omegas were scum.

Manipulative, sex driven , greedy and selfish . Those were the labels I got plastered with , on the media and on the streets.

And Jungkook wasn’t different, I reminded myself firmly, pulling away from the mirror and grabbing the loose powder and dusting down some of it on the apple of my cheeks and down the length of my nose.

He didn’t think any different than the others. Jungkook’s views on omegas were just as archaic and bigoted as everyone else’s .

He just didn’t act on them .

Sighing, I dropped the lipgloss back in the back and brushed my hair off my face. On a whim , I pulled off the hair tie holding the thick strands together, letting the wavy tresses fall over my shoulder. I hadn’t cut my hair in a long time and it felt to my hips now. My stylist was adamant that it added to my aesthetic.

A primal siren, she had said staring at me in awe, like something eternal and beautifully dangerous. We’re lucky you seem incapable of hate, Heejin ...because I think you could bring grown men to their knees with that body and that face.

I felt nauseous at the thought of it.

Walking to the elevator felt like walking the plank and I had stop a couple of times, just to breathe deeply. I had to be smart about this. I was in therapy. Taehyung had taught me how to handle situations like this and while my heart was pounding too hard and my brain was too scrambled to use any of his therapy techniques, I still had some of my cognitive abilities intact.

He came here, i thought desperately.

He came looking for you and that means he isn’t nervous or worried or overthinking this because he doesn’t have feelings for you. If you want to come out of this unscathed, you need to get your head on straight. You need to pretend that you didn’t just have a minor mental breakdown at the thought of him dating someone else.

I took a deep breath, exhaling sharply before stepping into the elevator. The ride down to the lobby was barely a few seconds and when I stepped out, I realized the place was way too crowded for such an exclusive Hotel. And then I remembered that people were here for the Art Festival. I glanced at the reception desk, covertly, noting a conspicuous lack of Jeon Jungkook. The lady behind the desk held her hand up when she spotted me .

“Ms. Kim? Mr. Jeon just went to get you a drink...He’s over by the breakfast counter over there.” She pointed out the dining space where people were walking about getting breakfast and I swallowed, feeling hot and cold as I cautiously stepped into the crowd, trying to find a that familiar head of thick dark hair.

I felt the apprehension build as I tugged on my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to reign in the chaos in my mind but it was impossible, everything too loud and too messy. I looked around and then, it hit me.

His scent.

I felt my lips part in surprise, and it felt like someone had turned the volume down , noises fading into a dull hum at the back of my mind as I stared at him. He hadn’t spotted me yet and I took a second to just....look.

He looked incredible.

There was really no other word for it. Incredibly handsome, Incredibly beautiful and so incredibly perfect as the late morning sun lit up the room, picking out the shine on his white silk shirt. I breathed in deep, my mindeasily picking out the musky pine scent of him and I stepped closer, moving straight towards him and I caught the exact moment my scent his senses.

He jerked a bit, nostrils flaring and eyes going wide before he turned, lips parted and gaze a bit unfocused as he looked around.

When he caught sight of me, he just blinked.

I smiled weakly, body going limp with relief because.... because this was Jungkook. Not some monster I had to run from. This was Jungkook....even at his worst he had been better than some of the other people I’d met in life.

I looked down at the drink in his hand and smiled a bit as he made his way over.

“ This isn’t the same as buying me a coffee.” I said shakily as he finally stepped upto me.

His eyes danced with warmth.

“What makes you think I can afford one? Besides, aren’t you the hotshot artist? Shouldn’t you be the one buying me stuff?” He said softly.

“Just saw you on the front cover of a magazine. We both know you’re far from destitute..” Even through the smile, I felt the tug of emotion as I stared at him, felt the difference in him like night and day, the light and joy and ...contentment that seemed to radiate off him .

He smiled and held the drink out to me gently.

“ Heejin-ah.” He whispered.

And somehow it was the sound of his voice, wrapping around the syllables of my name that finally did it.

I felt the tears brim over, my lips parting in choked laughter as I stepped close and wrapped both my arms around him, burying my face in his neck and breathing him in. I felt him hold me, infinitely gentle and I exhaled sharply.

“I didn’t miss you, at all.” I said shakily. He laughed lightly.

“I missed you , too.” He stroked the back of my head gently and I sighed, fingers curling on the silk of his shirt. The fabric felt like liquid in my fingers and I played with it for a second, intensely aware that people were starting to stare. That this embrace had gone on for longer than social norms dictated but I couldn’t bring myself to care, letting my chin rest against his shoulder blades.

And it was almost frightening.....how easy it was to pretend we weren’t broken at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“She was so small when I last held her... I can’t believe she’s running around.” I said, awed, listening to Jungkook tell me about how Mina liked to climb everywhere. He laughed, shaking his head.

"She’s growing bigger everyday. I can barely keep up.” Jungkook smiled, holding a hand out for me to step over the wooden slats that lined the tiny archway that led to the door to his building. I hesitated before lightly gripping his hand in mine, the gesture somehow feeling more intimate that it was.

“You’re not staying at the Firenze?” I asked curiously, resisting the urge to reach for his hand again when he let go.

it was such a ridiculous thing but I’d never held hands with him. And It felt ridiculously nice, to slot my fingers with his, feel them in between mine. His palm against mine, calloused but somehow so comforting.

I’d forgotten how warm he was.

Don’t. Don’t fall down this rabbit hole again, Heejin. We talked about this. He doesn’t think of you that way. He doesn’t. And neither should you. its unfair to him. He doesn’t deserve that.

“No... As you can see my apartment is barely ten minutes away and Soeun has her exams so its easier for her to watch over Mina here at the apartment.

“Soeun?” I asked curiously.

“Park Soeun? She’s a University student who lives with me. She’s doing a correspondence course in fashion . So she’s home all the time and she helps out with Mina. And she speaks Italian so that’s a huge plus... ” He smiled. “ you’ll like her. She’s a good kid.”

Don’t make that face. Don’t fucking make that face, Heejin.

I struggled to keep my face straight , like I wasn’t feeling the weight of a dozen bricks at the base of my stomach.

“A roommate...then..?” I asked quietly and he shrugged.

“Something like that. But mostly she helps take care of Mina when I’m out on an assignment.” He smiled and led me past two flight of stairs up to the studio apartment.

I wrapped my arms around myself as he stopped in front of a wrought iron grill, gripping one end and sliding it open with ease. And then he rang the small bell n the side. I shuffled back and forth on my foot, heart racing.

The door opened and I blinked because of how young the girl who opened the door was. A second later she was beaming, moving forward and wrapping both her arms around me.

“Unnie!” She squealed, hugging me so close that I almost choked. Completely thrown I could only gape at Jungkook who was laughing .

“Oh, I forgot to mention..she’s a bit of a fan. “ He teased lightly and I smiled awkwardly, watching as she pulled back to stare at me, her gaze trained on my face unblinkingly.

“Whoa...” She reached out and lightly touched my cheek with her forefinger making me jump. She flinched as well, flushing red.

“Shit..sorry...I just... I’ve never... I’ve never met an omega before.” She said softly. “ You’re absolutely breathtaking.”

I felt my heart pound, steeping back instinctively, an overwhelming urge to hide , anxiety pooling in my stomach as she continued to stare at me. I hated the attention and I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Soeun, enough. Don’t make it weird.” Jungkook said sternly, voice hard and the girl immediately flushed, bowing apologetically.

“Sorry...I.. sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable ... You’re pretty.” She said again before turning to Jungkook.

“I have to get some stuff for my exhibit, Jungkook oppa... Mina’s asleep. i’ll be staying over at Vince’s place for the night though. Is that okay?”

“Sure..have fun.” Jungkook smiled, “ Vince is her boyfriend.” He explained and Soeun nodded happily.

“Italian men are absolutely amazing unnie...you should try some.” She winked and I laughed despite myself.

“I just might...” I said with a grin, watching as she walked over to slip on a pair of sneakers from the small shoe closet near the door. She waved enthusiastically all but bouncing away and I blinked at him , shaking my head.

“I feel a hundred years old right now.” I said softly, still stunned by the girl’s exorbitant energy. Jungkook laughed at that

“She definitely has that effect on people... Come on, I’ll show you around.” He held his hand out and I smiled , taking his fingers mine and letting him tug me further into the studio apartment.

I looked around, taking in the full blown prints of Mina and Jungkook , caught in adorable poses in front of different tourist spots in Florence. I saw how much she looked like Jungkook now, and how openly affectionate they looked together, the love evident even in the still photos.

And then my eyes fell on a familiar painting , my stomach lurching.

“You... “ i turned to him in a rush and he was staring at me with a small smile.

“I had to bring that. It pretty much saved me, that painting.” He said casually, stepping close and running his fingers all over the print.

“When you told me this is how Sooah saw me...” He traced the picture carefully before glancing at me,” it made me realize that Sooah didn’t just want a baby.....she wanted a baby with me. She saw me as a father. As someone who could raise and nurture a tiny human and that... that’s amazing isn’t it?” He sighed, staring at me.

He looked beautiful, I thought with an ache deep inside me. The most beautiful man I’d ever seen in my life and it seemed almost too good to be true. That he was here, at reach. So close. I wondered if this was it. This had to be a sign. A sign that we’d come full circle. That it was over. That we could finally break free from all that we’d been through, and look back at Jungkook’s past with fondness instead of pain.

And perhaps, just perhaps I could reach out and touch him with something more than just the love you have for a friend. . Perhaps I could reach out and touch him, without feeling guilt and foreboding.

I exhaled shakily stepping up and running my fingers over the canvas. It was nothing fancy... Just a painting a painting of Jungkook holding Mina up by her waist, high over his head, staring up into her face with all the love and adoration in the world, The child in the painting doesn’t look exactly like Mina, of course, but I’d had no idea , seeing as Sooah had commissioned the painting when she was pregnant. But Jungkook.... Jungkook looked exactly like he did now : Happy and at peace.

“You’re alright, then?” I asked quietly , a wealth of meaning behind the words and he smiled , nodding gently.

“I’m fine…” He whispered , “ And I’m so glad I can tell you that, like this. Thank you for coming , Heejin-ah . I know you owe me nothing but.. I wanted to show you that… it wasn’t all bad you know. What we went through… Something good did come out of it.” He whispered.

I choked out a sob.

“I lied.” I whispered. “ I did miss you. Even when I knew I shouldn’t.”

Jungkook’s gaze softened.

“I have a lot to be sorry for. But I don’t want to remind you of those things. I just want you to know that… I understand what you went through…those six months. I understand that it was difficult and painful and i… I’m grateful that you didn’t give up on me. And I’m grateful that you stayed in my life. Because I know I didn’t deserve that.”

“You deserve to be loved Jungkook.” I said quietly. “ Its not wrong to move on. You deserve to… find happiness again.”

He stared at me, his gaze soft and gentle.

“I can almost believe it, when you say it that way.” He laughed. “ And… you know… I’m not sure if its love. But there’s someone I’ve been…. Well, I can sort of see myself with her. .” He grinned a little, smile boyish as he ran his fingers through his hair. He glanced at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Wait… was he going to?....

“ I met her at Taehyung’s practice, a year ago. Her name is Lee Hyorin.” Jungkook looked at me, doe eyes shining with excitement.

And just like that the world ended.

Or so it felt.

It was like being dipped in icy cold water, the shock of it rendering me speechless, lips parted and breath catching in lungs.

Blood rushed through my ears, so fast that I felt lightheaded, my legs nearly giving out. White noise filled my skull, pain lancing sharp through my heart like a thousand paper cuts, and I couldn’t really breathe. It took a few seconds…. For my heart to catch up with what my mind had just processed. And when it finally did, the pain was so excruciating, I had to clench my fists, nails digging into the flesh of my palm to ground myself.

“She’s an alpha…and she lost her husband around the same time Sooah passed..” Jungkook gave me a soft smile. “ She’s actually a curator at one of the museums here. She’s the one who made all the arrangements for me to move here to Florence. ”

“Wow… That’s…” devastating,. “ That’s good news. Jungkook.. I.. How long…” My voice cracked, and I had to swallow. “ How long have you guys been dating?”

“About three months now. We’re taking it very slow, because we aren’t really ready. She has a son too. He’s three years old. Mina loves him so that’s a plus.” He laughed.

My lungs constricted, breathing difficult and my head swam because ….. what. Realization set in so quickly, I was left reeling. I was in love with this bastard, I thought miserably. So in love with him that it felt like he was shredding my heart into ribbons. Every word of his mouth felt like a sharp deep stab, straight through the center of my heart and the pulsing, beating organ was on the verge of giving out.

“She’s going to be there at the dinner tonight at the Festival. She’s one of the organizers by the way. She’s kind of the reason I got in, I think.” He laughed , looking abashed and what a load of bull that was. Jungkook was successful and well known. Superbly talented at his chosen field. She was lucky to have him.

How can she have him when I’m the one who fixed him? How is that fucking fair?

“She really understands the things I’ve been going through, the past few months and because we both still attend therapy with Taehyung, we’re able to talk about a lot of stuff. Stuff I can’t share with others…” Jungkook was saying and I tuned him out, not wanting to hear another word.

I swallowed, choking on bile. I could feel sweat gathering on my scalp, my skin clammy and damp , the air between us shifting into something poisonous and filled with so much dismay, it was a miracle he hadn’t picked up on it.

Couldn’t he sense how distressed I was? Couldn’t he see how his words were hurting? Couldn’t he fucking see that I couldn’t live without him? Why on earth couldn’t he see me the way he apparently saw every other woman on the damn planet…..

Because he’s a shitty Alpha, I thought miserably, willing myself not to burst into tears. He was a shitty excuse for an alpha back then and he’s the same now.

A low, distressed cry began somewhere behind him and he jumped.

“Oh, shit she’s up… come on, Heejin.” He said with a bright smile, turning around and rushing down a small hallway and I willed myself to breathe in deeply, reminding myself that this wasn’t the end of the world. I could get through this. Besides, it was Mina.

Beautiful, perfect Mina who had been there for me. She would see me and she would give me that sweet gummy smile of hers, does eyes twinkling and I would get through this. Because her smile was what was important. Her smile and her joy and her happiness.

The sobbing had slowed down to small hiccups and I stepped past the threshold cautiously, watching as Jungkook bent over the large crib, carefully lifting her out and into his arms. She looked breathtaking, an absolutely gorgeous little girl . I stared, mesmerized as I stepped closer. My arms ached, and my chest tightened. Lips wobbling, I exhaled sharply, moving to reach for her.

She turned to glance at me and just as my fingers brushed her cheek, she recoiled.

Hard.

A loud wail tore through her tiny body and I felt my eyes go wide. Her casual little cry had turned into a sobbing , loud wail and I could smell the distress in her , the fear and distrust as she curled away from me. Jungkook looked stunned as well, instinctively drawing her close and embracing her, moving away from me because….

Because I was the reason, she was distressed.

My skin went ice cold at the revelation and I stumbled back, stunned.

“I… I’m sorry.” I choked out, confused and disoriented. Jungkook looked stricken, gently rocking her back and forth and she clung to him, gripping his shirt and I bit my lips, moving further back and I glanced at him, my heart shattering.

“She’s …She’s still sleepy… She doesn’t do well with strangers…” He said softly, looking upset, “ Maybe you could…wait outside…”

Stranger…. Was that what I was?

“I… I’ll go. I’ll just go.” I turned on my heel, rushing out of the door and struggling to breathe in air, my heart clenching so hard I was sure I was going to pass out. I felt my knees give out when I reached the couch, dropping down and drawing my knees up , wrapping my arms around my legs . I didn’t know how long I sat there, fighting sobs and choking on air…and when I finally came to myself, the sobs from the room had died out.

“She’s fallen asleep again.” Jungkook’s voice cut through the silence and I couldn’t bring myself to look up. I felt him move closer, felt his scent hit me as he stepped right up to me, kneeling on the floor in front of me.

I looked up at him, lips wobbling as I took in his handsome face. A face that was so deeply carved into my heart and my soul, I couldn’t imagine living without it. Without him. The tears came then, helpless and endless and so painful.

He pressed in closer, cupping my face in his palms, thumb brushing the tears that spilled over so relentlessly.

“Heejin…” He whispered and I let my fingers curl around his wrist as his thumb kept brushing the curve of my cheeks. I took a deep , shaky breath .

“She doesn’t remember me…. “ I whispered, “ She doesn’t recognize me at all…She hates me……” I choked out , despair filling every last crevice of my insides, gut twisting as I remembered how Mina had twisted away from me, how her scent had soured in distress at the sight of me, at the touch of my fingers.

And I wondered if it was different with this other woman..Hyorin, wasn’t it? Did Mina climb into her arms with ease? Did she curl into her chest and sleep? The way she used to with me, when she was a month old and missing the warmth of a mother.. ….

All those nights spent in that tiny nursery, lying on the cold unforgiving floor, watching the rise and fall of Mina’s chest through the dark room…telling myself it was worth it… it was worth being touched against my will, worth being treated like filth by a man driven mad with grief and anger….all because of this baby…this tiny little baby who had needed me….

And now…she didn’t even know who I was…..worse…she was repulsed by the very sight of me… I couldn’t cope.

“Look at me…” Jungkook rasped, voice raw and cracking. “she doesn’t hate you, Heejin… she just … you feel new to her… different…”

I shook my head, unable to think about anything beyond the sheer devastation that filled me, the way his daughter had pulled away and run, had refused to come anywhere near me. I realized with lancing pain that I’d wanted to see her, way more than I’d wanted to see Jungkook .

Because she was the reason I’d hung on for so long in that marriage which had been the biggest fucking mistake of my life…. the only reason I’d stuck around . Mina …Having her in my arms, her scent against my face, that had been the only genuine happiness I’d experienced in a marriage filled with sheer , unending misery.

“I… she… Why doesn’t she remember? “ I breathed, sagging into his arms, tears soaking his shoulders and his palm ran up and down my back.

“Because she was a baby. Heejin…. I left when she was a baby…”

“Why did you?” I snapped. “ Did it hurt you so much? The thought of living under the same sky as me ? Why you did you go?” I demanded.

Jungkook pulled back, hands coming up to grip my shoulder, holding me at arms length.

“Look at me.” He whispered. “ I had to … You know I had to go….I was hurting you. I was… I was draining you of life. Destroying you… “

Jungkook’s words reminded me of who he was. Of who I was… Of who I was to him.

I choked out, sobbing.

“I hate you. You treated me like scum. Like a crutch….. Like some sort of tool to get better and you just left… you…”

You found someone better. You broke me down and now you’ve gone and found someone better….because I was never good enough for you… I was never someone you could love….

“I had to let you go. I had to end that relationship because it was tainted with so much grief and anger and selfishness and greed. I knew that anything I did afterwards would be tainted by my actions… I… I had to make amends, Heejin. And do you think for a second, that it wasn’t the hardest thing I ever did? That walking out on you wasn’t one of the most devastating things I’ve ever experienced? But I did it for us… for this…”

I stared at him.

“And what is this?” I asked brokenly.

“This is me, being able to touch you like this.” Jungkook pressed a palm to my cheek, “ And not feeling guilt or sadness or grief or loss. I did it so we could have this…this… This thing where I can look at you and hold you and see that you’re healing. That you’re doing better… That you’re living the life you want…. That you’re happy. This is me standing here , in front of you and smiling because I’m happy too. Happy that you’re here. ” He exhaled, “ I’m happy that despite all the hurt we’ve been through for and because of each other, I can look at you now and tell you, honestly, that I’m glad to see you.”

What a joke.. What a fucking joke.

I smiled shakily.

“Well… “ I said softly, my stomach churning because I was done. Done with him and mostly with myself. “ Isn’t that absolutely wonderful.”

His gaze softened and he smiled.

“I want us to be friends, Heejinah. Even though we don’t see or talk to each other, I think of you often. And when Mina’s old enough to understand , I’ll tell her all about you… I want you in our lives. You’re a friend. ”

I stared at him , feeling the words echo in my skull . It left an acrid taste on my senses, the way he put me into this neat little box, friend. So ….insignificant. Everyone had hundreds of friends. There was nothing even remotely special about being someone’s friend.

Friend just meant replaceable and forgettable. And just like Mina didn’t remember me…. Someday Jungkook wouldn’t either. The knowledge filled my veins spreading all over my body and leaving a fierce, heavy ache in my chest.

It was my fault, I thought despondently. My fault because I had been an idiot.

Jungkook was the sane one here , I thought miserably. These nine months, while I’d been dwelling on him and worrying for him…he had done the healthy thing , by moving on with someone he could actually envision a future with….

What had I done, these past nine months? Dreamt up a fantasy world where somehow we found our way back to each other and built a life together… It seemed so foolish now, in the light of Jungkook’s words and his confession….

Jungkook had done all of this, not for me…but for himself. For his daughter whom he loved and for his wife , whose memory he wanted to honor. And perhaps it was my own delusion that made me think that I’d played some stellar role in his healing…. Maybe if I hadn’t been there, he would have gotten better just the same…. Maybe I hadn’t been a tool …as much as a hindrance …to his healing.

I shook my head, bitterness coating my tongue.

“I should get going.” I whispered , voice shaking.

This is it, I told myself. This is the last time you look at him with that heaviness in your heart. You deserve better. You deserve… a lot of things. And just because people don’t give it to you doesn’t mean you have to settle for less……

“So soon? Hyorin will be back in a couple of hours… I could show you some of my work, and we could get lunch ….”

I shook my head quickly. I didn’t want to meet her in his home. Didn’t want to see him being domestic and affectionate and …normal with her when all I’d ever seen was Jungkook in his anger and grief, either yelling abuses or gripping me with a lust that was tainted with violence and rage. I stared at his hands, the ones I’d liked holding….

How did I forget? That those were the same hands that had held me down and done things that should, rightfully have landed him in prison?

I shook my head, to clear the images out of my head. Looking at him now, Jungkook looked eager, happy and healed. And I realized that he’d just pushed all of his own actions out of his mind. Forgotten all about it. And that was fair. He probably didn’t even remember any of it. He had been drunk out of his mind, lost in his head and surely, forgetting must’ve been easy… A relief.

I didn’t begrudge him that.

But…

I hadn’t been drunk. I’d been stone cold sober under him on that bed and so, maybe forgetting didn’t come that easily for me. And I was glad that Jungkook could move on and be happy but….

But I couldn’t stay here and pretend that it was the same for me. I wasn’t happy or healed, I thought miserably. And maybe , maybe the sight of him moving on was a sign that I had to stop thinking that healing meant going back to him and his daughter.

“Heejin… What’s wrong? Is it because of Mina.. she’s just not used to…” He began but I quickly pressed a palm to his chest, smiling.

“Strangers.” I said softly. “ I know. That’s not it… You know I have to introduce my exhibit at dinner tonight. I don’t know what the itinerary is or what I’m supposed to say…. None of it.. I need to meet my agent and prep myself a bit. Its alright…I’ll see you tonight.” I said softly.

“I’m sorry… I can’t walk you back because Mina-“

“Of course. Don’t worry about it…. I’ll just…”

The doorbell rang, startling me.

“Jungkook!” A strong voice called out and I went still.

“Hyorin?” Jungkook’s face lit up and I felt my stomach churn. God, the universe really was against me wasn’t it? Sighing in defeat, I wrapped my arms around myself, sitting back down on the couch and waiting.

Behind me , I could hear hushed whispers, soft laughter and shuffling feet. My mouth went dry.

“Ms. Kim….”

I turned around, greeted by the sight of a tall, strapping young woman, pretty by any standards. She was dressed in a pant suit , her hair long and straight, hitting the top of her shoulders. She looked smart… Important.

“Ms. Lee… Its nice to meet you.”

She held her hand out and I shook it gently. Jungkook smiled at her fondly and his phone rang from somewhere inside the studio.

“Hang on that’s probably Soeun…” He smiled at me and moved away and I watched him leave before shifting my gaze to Hyorin, who was staring down at me with a small smile.

“Are you here in Italy by yourself? Or with one of your many …uh… patrons ?” She smirked.

I blinked.

“Patrons?” I asked softly. “ Excuse me?”

“Jungkook and I’ve been following all the stories about you, back in Korea. You get around quite a lot… don’t you? Every alpha within a 100 mile radius wants a piece of the lovely Kim Heejin… And honestly, could anyone blame them? You look exquisite.”

I stared at her, stunned. The implication was so obvious that I would be an idiot not to realize what she was hinting at. So this was the woman , Jungkook chose? Yet another prejudiced bigot?

I laughed a bit, feeling my heart sink.

“I’m not seeing anyone. If that’s what you’re asking.” I said quietly.

Hyorin smirked at that.

“Of course you aren’t… We all know that isn’t really something your kind does… monogamy, right?”

“Do you have a problem with me Hyorin ssi?” I asked roughly and she laughed.

“Oh come on.. we’re all adults, here. And Heejin, you agreed to be a part of this festival, knowing full well, that’s what we think . Its because deep down you know I’m right….. Omegas can’t stay with one alpha. They need sex to survive and they are usually open to it with anyone. Not that I’m blaming you or judging you for it. It’s just how you’re built.”

I smiled wide, ignoring the urge to claw at her face. .

“Well, you’ve definitely got me all figured out haven’t you? “ I shook my head, glancing at Jungkook who was making his way over.

“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously and I smiled, glancing at her.

“ Hyorin ssi was just telling me how my sub gender makes it impossible for me to not go around whoring with every alpha I see…….” I glanced at him and Jungkook straightened, looking stunned, “ Well, I hope you two enjoy your beautiful monogamous relationship with each other something an omega like me can only fantasize about…. Right Jungkook?” I smiled and he looked completely lost.

“Wait…What? Hyorin what did you say?” He demanded and she was glaring at me now.

“Please don’t take it personally, I was only talking about omegas in general. “ Hyorin frowned, before bowing and moving away to stalk off in the direction of the bedrooms and I watched her, feeling dirty and terrible.

“Heejin, ignore her.. she’s just old fashioned and-“

“Is that what you’re going to call it?” I snapped and Jungkook froze.

“Heejin…”

I shook my head in disbelief.

“I’m not upset about what she said. I’m upset that she feels comfortable enough, spouting that bullshit to me , in your house. Makes me wonder what else she’s told you about omegas, and how much of it you probably agreed with.”

Jungkook stared at me , lips parted.

“I… I don’t feel that way. You know that.” He said stiltedly.

“Do I? All I know is that she knows about me, about who I am and apparently, she can call me a slut…. In front of you, without worrying about it upsetting you. And that tells me you’re as much of a bigot as she is.”

“Heejin… You know that’s not it. We all grow up being fed certain things and –“

“But you did grow up right?” I snapped. “ you grew up and you can think and act for yourself. As can she. Once you’re an adult, you don’t have a single fucking excuse for being racist or homophobic or bigoted because being an adult means having the ability to unlearn the toxic things you’ve been taught and relearn how to be a decent fucking human.”

I shook my head as he stared at me.

“And you know what…please just… just don’t call me or consider me as a friend.” I laughed. “ Because I don’t think I can consider you one. Not anymore. You can’t…...You can’t just love certain parts of me and be disgusted by others you know? I don’t need a friend who can care about me and love me and help me as long as he can forget that I’m an omega….. I need a friend who can love every jagged, broken , part of me. Who can call out people who talk bullshit at me , who can look someone in the eye and tell them they’re wrong when they’re calling me names and that’s not who you are……. You’re not it.” I snapped.

Jungkook looked stricken, reaching out to hold me and I stepped away, annoyed.

“I’m sorry, Heejin, you’re right … I’ll talk to her… I’ll…” He began but I shook my head.

“Whatever. Just don’t call me a friend. We can’t be friends. Let’s just be what we always were , yeah? A big fucking mistake that never should have happened.”

I stormed out of the door, shaking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean, there are no flights available for today?” I snapped. “Tell them money isn’t an issue. I need to get out of this place right now.”

Minho looked incredibly stricken, hair messy from how often he’d run his fingers through.

“ We just arrived seven hours ago, Hee. Of course there’s no flight yet…. We can stay another day…attend the dinner and-“

“No.” I snapped. “ Absolutely not. I’m not here because they find my art good or worth putting up. I’m here because they know the alphas around here will want to pay more , to pour in more cash for a chance with me.” I held the embossed booklet up, waving it in his face.

“Heejin…” He protested but I shook my head.

“ Did you see the cost to get into my pane ?. Extra ….for alphas? And yet…apparently they had to pre book it and its filled? You think any of the lecherous bastards who paid money to see me , gives a shit about my art? And apparently, there’s a meet and greet, for alphas only if they purchase seven or more paintings worth over 10000 Euros. Do you think, that’s what I’m worth?”

Minho looked down at his shoes, ashamed.

“I .. I’m sorry, Hee. You’re right. Its offensive . And an insult to your art and talent. We shouldn’t have come here, you’re right. And I regret it… But just… give me a few hours, yeah? I’ll find a way to get us out of here….”

I exhaled sharply, exhaustion weighing heavy on my head. I felt like I’d taken a pounding, physically and mentally and I wondered how a day that had started so well, could go so wrong, so fast…

Shaking my head, I trudged wearily to the elevator, knocking on the buttons before sagging against the wall, letting my eyes flutter shut.

Jungkook was dating.

Jungkook was dating. His girlfriend thought I was a slut and here I was about to prove her right.

I wanted to slit someone’s throat.

Sighing, I watched the door slide open, grabbing my keys out of my bag, and moving to the suite. I opened the door before making a beeline for the bed. I collapsed on the soft duvet, groaning. I was torn between wanting to call Taehyung to yell at him about Jungkook and calling Minho to demand an update on the flights.

I was spared the dilemma when the phone in the room rang. Groaning, I moved to swat at the phone, turning on the speaker.

“Ms. Kim? There’s a Mr. Jeon here to see you?”

I blinked, feeling disbelief swell inside me. Did he not get the hint?

Annoyed, I sat up.

“Send him up.” I said, in no mood to go all the way down to see him.

“Up?” She sounded surprised, “ To your room?”

“Yes. To my room. Is that a fucking problem?” I growled, annoyed.

“Not at all Ms. Kim. He’ll be right up.”

I got out of bed, shrugging off my jacket and taking off my dress as well. It was a little damp because I’d sweated through the fabric. I grabbed one of my oversized t shirts , slipping it on and moving to open the door before retreating back to the inner room. Feeling annoyed, I walked up to the vanity and grabbed the hair brush, running the bristles through my locks. I heard his footsteps outside and stiffened.

“If you’re here to defend your shitty girlfriend, you can just leave Jungkook. I swear to God, I’ve had enough of this.” I shouted. He didn’t reply and my hackles rose.

“Listen, I’m sorry if I said something harsh-“ I froze when I reached the doorway, staring at the man in front of me. He had a large , almost humongous bouquet of wild orchids and roses in his hand and I stared at his face.

This was definitely not Jungkook.

“Umm… hi.” The man bowed awkwardly, his gaze going straight to my legs, where my t shirt ended, just a couple of inches past my waist. I felt the blood rush to my face.

“Who are you…Get out !!!” I shouted, horrified, diving for my jacket and holding it up against my bare thighs. The man held both his hands up, eyes wide..

“I’m sorry… I… you said I could come up to your room….” He protested and I scowled, confused.

“What? “ I stared, stunned… “ Who…what?”

“I’m Wonwoo. Jeon Wonwoo. I’m uh….one of the sponsors for this festival. And a fan. Huge fan.” He was staring at me beseechingly and I felt my head begin to throb.

The sheer relentlessness of this day…..

“I… Mr. Jeon…” So weird, God, “ There’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not…. I thought you were someone else.”

“Jungkook yes…your ex husband, right? You were married to him for six months after he lost his wife….. He’s also one of the artists exhibiting their work here.” He nodded quickly, running long fingers through thick glossy hair, lips parting in a hesitant smile and I stared at him.

“How do you know all that? ” I demanded, heart pounding. He immediately held his hands up again.

“I’m sorry… I sound like a stalker, shit. But Trust me I’m not. I just am a huge fan.. I looked up some stuff about you….before.” He shuffled a bit awkwardly, finally looking up at me.

I tried to catch his scent. No scent to speak of. A beta then. Relaxing just a bit, I swallowed. At least I wasn’t in any immediate danger. But still, I had no intention of letting him see me in nothing but a t shirt. Embarrassed, I gripped the jacket tighter.

“Why are you here?” I demanded angrily, taking in his appearance. He didn’t look like a hoodlum or someone dangerous. He was good looking, dressed in a white t shirt and black Jacket over plain black slacks. His shoes looked expensive and I didn’t miss the shiny Rolex on his wrist either,.

“Well, for one thing I own the Hotel.” He chuckled and that made my stomach turn. “And also like I said, I’m one of the main sponsors for the Festival itself.”

“Right.” I was too disoriented to process this, head throbbing. “Of course. Is there a reason why you wanted to see me?”

“I was downstairs…just now… I couldn’t help but overhear you with your agent. You wanted to leave as soon as possible. To pull out of the event and I’m just here to try and change your mind, Ms. Kim.” He smiled earnestly and I realized he was really quite young.

I sighed.

“Could you… Could you wait outside? I want to put some clothes on before we talk any further.” I said tiredly and he bowed quickly.

“Uh… These…I’ll just leave these here.” He placed the large bunch of flowers on the table before quickly leaving the room and I swore, racing to the suitcase in the corner. I quickly grabbed a pair of jeans, slipping them on hastily and zipping myself up before glancing at the mirror again. This would have to do.

I moved to the door and opened it, finding him right there, looking lost.

“I… come in, please.” I said hesitantly and he bowed again, moving in and waiting for me to close the door and take a seat on the couch, before sinking into an arm chair across from me.

“Did you see the itinerary? It doesn’t get more sexualized than this.” I waved the booklet and he flushed.

“I understand you’re upset about … certain things. I’m sorry that you feel objectified , in the festival. It wasn’t the intention I had when I first told Hyorin and the others that I wanted them to invite you. But , I’ve been busy the past month, and I didn’t go over the complete agenda. If I did, I definitely would have made sure that you were treated with just as much respect as the others. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do now, but I’ve had a word with all of the panelists and also the hosts. We won’t entertain any question or comments of a sexual nature and if anyone tries to insinuate anything , I’ll have them removed from the panel myself. “ He said firmly.

“I’m only here because you told me you would exhibit my mother’s works too.” I said sharply and he bowed.

“ Your mother’s works are just as exquisite and I’ve arranged for them to be displayed right at the center of the arena, with a running slide show of her childhood , her art technique and the great love she had for her daughter.” He said firmly.

I could only stare. He sounded incredibly sincere and there was no mistaking the earnestness in his tone.

“I’m….” I bit my lips, “ Listen, Mr. Jeon, I’m flattered but honestly, I never wanted to be here. I… there was … something else that made me want to come and well, that turned out to be a huge mistake. To be honest, I’m not sure if I have it in me to suffer through days of people treating me like I’m some kind of sex crazed bimbo.” I shook my head.

“how about this.? You let me be your date for tonight and you let me display your work, today at the dinner itself. I’ll be right by your side. And then, I’ll have my private jet on standby and we can fly back to Korea. You deserve the spotlight, Heejin and I want people to see how good you are at what you do. I don’t care if I lose money over this… As long as you’re comfortable. ”

I gawked at him, stunned.

“Private Jet?” I choked out. “ Okay, now I’m genuinely concerned.”

He laughed.

“I’m a Hotelier, and I have properties all over the world and I like to inspect them personally most of the time. Its more practical to have a private jet than to try and align my schedules with everyone else.” He smiled.

“Right. Convenient.” I shook my head. “ I’m no stranger to excessive wealth, Mr. Jeon and trust me, it’s always left a sour taste in my mouth.”

“I don’t flaunt my wealth, Ms. Kim. These clothes? Got them on the streets of Florence. I drive a Mazda. Wealth has no meaning to me. People do. People like you, who bring beauty into the world with their craft. You’ve made my world beautiful and I just want to repay , in some way.” He smiled, “ Also, You’re very beautiful.” He added and then immediately looked away. “ I’m sorry. That was… dumb . I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.”

Endeared against my own wishes, I found myself fighting a small smile.

“Just tonight’s dinner?” I asked quietly.

“Just the dinner party.” He assured me quickly.

“Alright. But I’m not getting into any private Jet. My agent will book me tickets and I’ll find my way back to Korea.”

“As you wish. I’ll pick you up at seven. What color is your dress?” He asked casually and I blinked.

“Uh… Wine red? I guess? Why?”

He grinned, looking boyishly handsome.

“I’ll see you at seven, Ms. Kim.”

He bowed, before pausing by the bouquet. He grabbed a couple of flowers, holding them up for me to see.

“Daffodils and Lilacs.” He grinned, “ To finding something new to love. And to new beginnings.”

Wow.

Subtle.

I shook my head, momentarily forgetting all about Jungkook as I grinned all the way back to the bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I told you… coming with me will earn you major points.” Wonwoo smirked as he pulled me in by my waist , holding my dress up for me as I stared at the sleek black limousine at the Hotel entrance. I watched as he held my wrist gently, latching a string of sterling silver and red rubies around the delicate curve of it.

“This is too lavish…I don’t want this…Who are you?” I demanded, flushing because of the way the flashes went off in every direction, reporters scrambling when they caught sight of him. He was clearly popular, if the number of photos being clicked were any indication. I regretted everything.

Wonwoo pressed a kiss to my wrists, right near the bracelet and gently placed my palm on the curve of his elbow, leading me over to the car and I watched the chauffeur open the door for us.

“ Someone who can get anyone here fired. Be careful , sweetheart.” I watched in mute horror as he bent low, picking up the hem of my skirt so I wouldn’t trip, while climbing into the limousine. The reporters began whispering excitedly and more flashes went off . My face completely red, I hastened to climb in.

“These people look at you like you’re some kind of King.” I stared out of the tinted windows seeing the sheer multitude of people and Wonwoo chuckled.

“ That’s because I am. At least for tonight. And that’s why I’m the perfect guy to protect you Heejin. They’re all terrified of me.” He winked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook found me, fifteen minutes into the event. I hung by the large archway, near an alcove, sipping champagne and nibbling on some hors d’oeuvre as people threw glances at me. I noticed the conspicuous lack of a date on his arm and straightened, sighing and bracing myself for more unpleasantness as he picked his way through the crowd, eyes trained on me.

“Can we talk?” He said, the minute he was at hearing distance and I exhaled.

“No.” I said casually and he made a noise of impatience.

“Fucking, hell Heejin..just…” He swore again, looking upset. “ Why are you doing this to me? What do you want from me huh?”

I stared at him in disbelief.

“What do I want from you? Oh, fuck off Jungkook. I want nothing from you.” I snapped, turning on my heel, ready to leave but his hand shot out, gripping me right above my elbow, fingers curling in hard.

“Fuck.. listen. I don’t know what she said to you. I .. I’m sorry if she offended you…. Alright? She’s an alpha… I can’t change the way she thinks…”

“I didn’t ask you to. I merely said that if you associate yourself with people who think I’m scum, I won’t let you into my life. Because I respect myself too much for that.” I said firmly.

“She doesn’t think you’re scum, Heejin come on. She just has some misconceptions about certain things.”

“God, Jungkook…just stop. Alright? Stop. Because I’m not asking you do anything. I’m leaving on a flight tomorrow morning and you’ll never see me again. That’s all there is to it.”

He froze at that, fingers curling harder around my arm and it hurt, the skin turning red. Stupid fucker, never knew his own strength.

“Ow, Jungkook let go.” I whispered, and he did, albeit reluctantly.

I rubbed at the bruised skin, furious. I watched as the redness healed over, the pain fading to a throb and then into a pleasant heat and I hated it. Hated that being an omega meant that Jungkook’s rough touch turned to pleasure on my skin.

“What do you mean you’re leaving tomorrow? The Festival is for two weeks.”

I sighed.

“I didn’t come here for the festival. I came here to see you. To see if you were as hung up on me as I was on you…but apparently not.” I snapped.

Jungkook went perfectly still at that.

“What the fuck does that mean?” He said softly and I laughed, shaking my head.

“Wow. You really never even considered it huh? Us? Together.?” It wasn’t funny at all, but I could only laugh. Probably because I’d been so sure.. So certain that there was something there.

He opened his mouth to answer but I felt a warm solidness behind me, an arm wrapping around my waist and a second later, Wonwoo was there pressing up against me.

“Jungkook-ssi… Such a pleasure to meet you.” He held his hand out, and Jungkook frowned, his eyes trained on where wonwoo’s fingers curled around my waist.

“Get your hands off her.” He said shortly and Wonwoo blinked, pulling away from me and stepping back .

“What the-? No. Fuck you.” I snapped, glaring at Jungkook before grabbing Wonwoo’s hand and bringing it back around me. “Don��t you fucking dare take your hands off.” I held my finger up at his face and Wonwoo looked momentarily stunned.

“Really, Heejin? You’re doing this?” Jungkook glared at me. “ We need to talk.”

“So talk.” I snapped. “ Tell me why you think a bigoted bitch is the best you can do in terms of dating. Tell me why she’s the only one who can ‘ understand’ “ I made air quotes, shaking my head, “ You think you and your shitty have monopoly on grief Jungkook? I’ve lost people too. Just because I haven’t screwed other people over because of it, doesn’t make my grief invalid….yeah.”

Ringing silence followed and I regretted everything.

“Fuck.” I whispered, shaking my head. “ I .. Shit. I need to get out of here.”

I pulled away from Wonwoo, moving out of the huge ballroom and Jungkook was right behind me, of course he was.

“Heejin…fuck. Wait. You’re right. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t understand me. Of course you did. Its why you stuck around… I know that. And you’re right, she had no business talking about you like that. I’ll have a word with her… But…”

I sped up, wanting to get away but he grabbed me again, tugging me closer out of the hall way and into a darkened alcove and I flinched when he pushed me up against the wall, caging me in, as he pressed in closer.

“What did you mean by that?” He demanded, hands coming up to grip my waist, curling gently and my chest heaved at the touch of him, the enclosed space making his scent turn potent, strong and impossible to avoid. My nostril flared as I breathed him in, familiar and yet so foreign, comforting and yet so fucking dangerous.

“By what?” I snapped and his hands moved up, shaping the curves of my body , thumb grazing the tip of my breast and making me jump, before moving up, gripping my face, gently. He pressed his thumb into my lower lip, rubbing back and forth, face impossibly close and I swallowed, throat sandpaper dry.

“About us? Together….” He breathed and I exhaled shakily.

“You know what I meant.” I whispered. “ If you don’t then I can’t explain it.” I whispered and he swore, head dropping against mine, forehead resting against mine, and lips less than a hairsbreadth away.

We’ve never kissed, I thought suddenly. I licked my lips, turning my face away but his fingers gripped my chin at once, yanking me around to stare at him again.

“Look at me, baby. Tell me… You thought about us together?” He whispered .

I breathed shakily.

“Of course I did…. “ I snapped.

“Then clearly therapy isn’t working for you.” He snapped right back and I flinched.

“What-“

Jungkook pulled away staring at me.

“ Do you even remember all the shit I did to you?” He asked quietly. My stomach dropped.

“Jungkook.”

“I broke your ribs.” He said calmly. I swallowed.

“That.. That was an accident. You didn’t mean to.” I protested. “ And we’re past all that… I don’t… I don’t blame you for it.” I said, which was honest enough.

“And what about the nights I got drunk, Heejin….” He said softly and my skin went cold.

“That… That was just… It was just an outlet for your grief… “ I looked away and he scoffed.

“You’re calling it an outlet for grief. I believe the world calls it rape.”

I felt my entire body shiver at the word , moving up to wrap my arms around his neck, trying to pull him close but he was stiff as a board.

“ Don’t” I snapped. “ Don’t …. Its over…it’s in the past.”

“It was still me. I was the one who did it and I can’t… I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

I pulled away to glare at him.

“So , what? You won’t give us a chance because of something I’ve already forgiven you for?”

“Yes.” He said shortly. “ Because you may have forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself.”

I felt my body sag in disbelief.

“Jungkook that’s-“

“You deserve better. You always have. I’m not… I don’t deserve someone like you Heejin. You’re kind and breathtaking and I’m just… a broken mess of a man who’s barely getting by.”

“Oh, right… So broken.” I scoffed. “ You’re on the front page of magazines, you have a successful career and a beautiful girlfriend,,,,forgive me if I’m not breaking my heart over your failures.”

Jungkook exhaled shakily before looking up at me.

“ You wanna know the truth about me, Heejin-ah?” He swallowed. “ I just got out of rehab last week.”

I went still.

“What?” I was sure I’d misheard.

“I… I came here and about a month or so in…I started drinking again…” He glanced away and my heart turned over inside me.

“Jungkook, what?” I demanded, horrified.

“I got drunk and got into an argument with a cop. I hit him. They found out I was a single father and-“ He shook his head, “ I got arrested for disorderly conduct , Public intoxication and assault.”

I stared at him in disbelief, unable to keep the disappointment out of my tone.

“ Arrested for assault... Jungkook why?” I breathed and he flushed.

“I know…. It was stupid.. I… I was stupid.” He said softly. “Soeun isn’t a baby sitter. She’s a social worker. She’s here to keep an eye on me because they want to make sure I’m not a threat to Mina. If I slip up, they’ll deport me back home and then the state will likely take her away from me. Soeun likes me….so she agreed to lie to you ……And as for the girlfriend…” He laughed, shaking his head, “ Hyorin broke up with me after I got arrested. We’re not… We’re not dating. She was only there to get some prints for the panel tomorrow.” He finished shakily.

I stared at him.

“Why?” I demanded . “ Why would you lie to me… Jungkook ….”

“Because I didn’t want you to think I was a screw up.” He said shakily. “ I know I’m supposed to be getting better and I have but… But sometimes I just…I miss…. I miss home. “ He shuddered. “ And you.” He looked up at me. “ I miss you a lot, Heejin and it hurts and I feel like the only way I can forget about you…about us together is if I drink. And I’m sorry. I know I don’t have the right to miss you, not after everything I put you through but I… it’s how I feel. ” He glanced away, trembling a little.

I wrapped my arms around myself, stepping away, feeling myself go cold.

We stayed quiet for a few seconds, both of us staring at the floor lost in our own thoughts. I felt drained. Miserably so. Like someone had sucked all the strength out of me. I realized how badly I had wanted Jungkook to be okay. To heal and be himself again. And I’d spent the last nine months, fully convinced that he was. That he was doing what he loved, bonding with his daughter building a life for himself.

But apparently, he was also spiraling back into addiction as well.

It was like we were back in that apartment, both of us miserable but desperate to be something we clearly were not : Okay.

“Does Taehyung know?” I asked finally and Jungkook hesitated before nodding.

“He was at my court hearing three weeks ago. He’s the reason I haven’t already lost her.” Jungkook whispered.

“What did he say?”

“He thinks I should come back to Korea.” Jungkook said quietly. “ He wants me to start therapy again with him. Every week. “

I nodded.

“Fair enough. And what do you think?”

“I think I will. My probation ends in three days. I’ll… I’ll start making arrangements afterwards. I’ll probably be back in a few weeks time. ”

I stared at him, finally seeing the things I hadn’t noticed this morning. The shadows beneath his eyes, the worry lines on his brow. I wondered if he would have ever told me the truth, if not for this little confrontation between us.

Silence descended again and I bit my lips, a million thoughts running through my head. I felt the pull of his scent through it all, an instinctive urge to reach out and touch and draw him close and I wondered if this was it. That for the rest of our lives we would just be drawn to each other, reluctant and hurt but unable to stay away.

“You’re leaving tomorrow then?” He asked quietly breaking through the fog in my head.

“Well obviously not.” I snapped. “ I’m not leaving you. I’ll tell Minho, we’ll be staying here for a few weeks. Do you actually have a possible job back home? If you don’t I can ask my agent to find one for you….”

Jungkook was staring at me like I’d grown an extra head.

“ What?” I asked roughly.

He swallowed.

“No.. I .. I don’t have a job there.”

“We’ll get you one. And my apartment is big enough so you can stay with me till we find you a place of your own. And I think it’ll actually be good for you, because there’s a Fine Art photographer, pretty well know guy who stays just a few blocks away and e can probably- “

“You haven’t really changed have you?” Jungkook cut me off in the middle of my rambling .

I flushed, looking away.

“What do you mean?”

“Back when we were married… it was just like this.. I’d fuck up and do something awful and you’d just take it all in stride, get ready to help me out of it….”

“I don’t know what you mean…” I said quickly, “ Let’s go back to the party we’ll talk later-“

He grabbed both my arms, pulling me back to face him when I tried to get past him and I yelped, staring up at him in surprise.

“What?” I demanded. “ What is it now?”

“How do you do this thing, Heejin ?” He asked roughly. “ How do you just get ready to clean up every fucking mess I make like it doesn’t hurt you? Like I don’t hurt you?”

“What are you talking about?” I tried to wriggle out of his hold but he tugged me closer.

“How do you just…” He shook his head, “ accept me so unconditionally? Like… Its like no matter what I do, you’re just willing to look past it and I don’t fucking understand Heejin… why do you put up with me, damn it?”

I stared right at him. Caught his gaze and held it, refusing to look away.

“You know why.” I whispered, licking my lips, throat dry, “ And if you don’t…. I’m not going to tell you.”

His eyes widened , lips parting and he exhaled sharply, before letting me go and stepping away.

He looked away, shaking a little and I sighed.

“Let’s just get this night over with, yeah?” I said quietly. “ and then we’ll talk.”

He didn’t reply, merely standing aside and motioning for me to leave first.

I shook my head, moving to grip his arm instead.

“Together.” I said firmly. “ We’ll get this night over with, together.”

Author’s Note : i love these two. i’ve never wanted two people to be together so much.

@taeshuworld .@girlinthemikrokosmos @xius-exos @sugainfireslex @yunkichiee@kpopstudybee @ephyraaaa @peachoney9795 @ggukkieland @veronawrites @blr1004 @tinyhoagiepartylover @btsis7okay @squishyjk @itsdingdong @emmmui @honeeybunneey @yeonkiminnie @just-me-and-myselfs @delicate-snow-flake @kpop-lore @beautifulvirgobutterfly @sumzysworld @btsmylife21 @teresaisla .@melrosaeparker @taestannie @dchimminie @ meraki–life @somewhereinthestates @mawwnsterr @kookiesbreaky @chimchoom

@namjooningelsewhere @itsdingdong @ungodlyjoon @caratarmy131

@ladyartemesia @hardggukk @iliveforjin @loveemariee

@unicornbabylover @dchimminie @nope2214 @landl7xoxo

@mrcleanheichou @kayteekat @wassup-haeyadwae @natgba @nikkiordonez12 @neverthefirstchoice @btsssssfiction

@mylittlestrangeandsweetworld @kookiesxbananamilk @lovra974 @supernoonanyc @kokoandkookie

#bts smut #bts smut fic #bts fics #bts fanfic #friends to lovers bts au #jungkook abo #jungkook smut

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serendipitous-magic · 4 years ago

Note

What is your writing advice for young people who want to write fanfiction and original stories in the near future?

If this is just Way Too Much, skip to the end (#16). My most important piece of advice is there. I also happen to think #5 is pretty good.

-_-_-_-

1) Literally just write. Write whatever you want, and do a lot of it.

_-_

2) You don’t have to post everything. In fact you don’t have to post anything. You can, don’t get me wrong, but it can be intimidating to sit down and think “I will now write something that other people will see and read and judge with their eyeballs.” Because that’s probably gonna lead to nerves and writer's block. Just write down the ideas that you have, the things you want to write, whatever’s in your brain that you want to explore and expand upon and make into something. And then if you want to, share it. Or don’t share it. I have plenty of half-baked ideas and documents and random story chapters and shit hidden away on my Google Drive that will never see the light of day, for a whole number of reasons. I wanted to write it but it wasn’t ~Spicy~ enough to warrant posting, or it’s only like an eighth of a good idea, or it’s like one scene with no story around it, or it’s just something incredibly self-indulgent I just wanted to write for my own enjoyment.

Point being, don’t write for other people. Don’t write so that other people can read it; write what you want, write for yourself, and then if you want to share it, do.

_-_

3) You can pretty much ignore any and all of these for fanfiction. In fact, you can ignore pretty much any rules or guidelines you want for fanfiction. Fanfic is a sandbox. You don’t have to be a “professional writer” to post fic. No one expects you to be Stephen King or Margaret Atwood. Fanfic is just for playing in a fandom and having fun. If you wanna write a 50 chapter slow burn with very little plot aside from the OTP slowly getting to know each other, and no real stakes or central conflict, I guarantee people would read that. Really, fanfiction is the Old West of writing: lawless, wild, unpredictable, and free.

However, here are the rules you must follow:

-Separate your paragraphs. (I’m sure you know this already, but I’m gonna say it anyway just in case.) Do not post one big block of text. Make a paragraph break when someone new is talking, when the characters are in a new place, when a new event occurs that changes the scene, when a chunk of time has passed, and when there’s a major change in subject.

-I know it’s obvious, but... grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. They exist to make writing easy for readers to read, and more people will read your stuff if they don’t have to stop and try to figure out what you meant.

-Use tags and labels, as is possible with whatever site you’re using. Especially if you include possibly triggering content in your story. Again, I know it’s obvious, but it’s common courtesy. Bonus: tagging the themes and content of your story helps readers find it and read it :)

-If possible, limit the use of all-caps and exclamation marks / question marks. 99% of the time, one ! or one ? will do. If you overload the page with a lot of all-caps and long rows of exclamation marks or question marks, it hampers readability.

... That’s literally all I can think of. And, like I said, it’s all pretty basic stuff. You were probably rolling your eyes like, “Uh, yeah, Gwen, I know.” But that’s literally it. You can pretty much do whatever you want in fanfic.

That being said, here’s my advice for both fanfiction and original work...

_-_

4) A quick and dirty rule for coming up with a plot, starting a story, keeping up pacing, or maintaining tension: figure out what dreams, desires, and goals are nearest and dearest to your main character’s heart (see #16). Then set up the main conflict to be directly in opposition to that goal. It doesn’t have to be in a tangible way, though it could be. But, if your main character wants more than anything to reach the ships on the southern coast of your world and sail to a new life, make sure the main conflict immediately prevents them from doing that - in fact, make sure to send them north. If your main character just wants to keep their loved ones safe, kidnap the loved ones. If your main character just wants to date their best-friend-turned-crush, make sure they think they have no chance - or, make them cocky about it, and make sure it makes Person B determined not to ever like them. You get it. Figure out what your character most wants, and then keep them from having that. Boom - your conflict now ties in with your character's motivation. It's like instant yeast for plots.

_-_

5) If you’re anything like me, you want your first draft to be Good, despite all that advice about how the first draft doesn’t have to be good and it’s just to get words on the page, yadda yadda. And if you’re somewhat of a perfectionist (like myself), it’s easy to get stuck looking at a blank page because you don’t have The Perfect Words, and you want what you write to be Good the first time.

Here’s how I cheat that:

Instead of trying to write a Good First Draft from a blank page, hit the enter key a few times, skip a little down on the page, change your ink to red (or blue, or whatever - just something immediately identifiable as Not Black) and just thought vomit. Write whatever the hell you’re thinking, exactly as you think it. Don’t worry about it being readable, don’t worry about narrative flow for now, don’t worry about covering all the details, don’t worry about anything except either a) getting all the details of your idea out onto the page, whether that’s a lot or whether it’s just a sentence or two, or b) if you don’t have an idea yet, finding your way there.

Because this method is also very good for finding your way to ideas when you’re stuck in writer’s block.

Because of how human brains work, getting this stuff out onto the page - in all its messy, stream-of-consciousness glory - will likely spark more thoughts. As you write your original idea about the scene, it’ll likely spark more ideas. Creation begets creation. If you just start thought-vomiting your ideas onto the page, chances are you’ll think of more things as you go, and you’ll start filling out description or dialogue or tone or action or whatever, and pretty soon the scene starts writing itself.

Not sure where you’re going with the scene or which ideas you wanna use? Use a lot of ambivalent language in your “thought-vomit draft.” My pre-writing notes are chock-full of the words “maybe,” “perhaps,” and the phrases, “At some point...” and “...or something like that.” In this way, I don’t tie myself down to one idea; it’s just an idea, and I’m keeping it on the page in case I use it, but I might chuck it in the trash or change it or whatever.

And then, once your ideas for the scene (or story, or chapter, or whatever) are on the page, then go back to the top and start translating them into a “real” first draft. Use black ink, and start copy-pasting chunks of the thought-vomit up into the top part of the document and translating them into Draft 1. Separate out paragraphs where paragraph breaks should be. Add the correct punctuation and whatnot. Change “describe the lobby here - include potted plants, fancy carpet, blood stain, etc.” into an actual description of the lobby. Flesh it out, or condense, or whatever it needs. And if you’re still stuck, change back to red ink and ramble some more until you find a path that feels right, then plug that in. This keeps you from looking at a blank page, and it allows you to generate a kind of Draft 0.5, somewhere between a plan and a first draft.

You don’t have to use every idea. Like I said, jot down whatever comes to mind, put a “maybe” before or after it, and keep working. If the idea grabs you and you wanna keep expanding on it and exploring it, cool. If you just wanna jot it down so you don’t forget it and then move on, also cool. Red-ink draft / “thought-vomit draft” is your time to jump around in the timeline, add or finesse details at whatever point your brain moves to, etc. Don’t try to do it exactly in story order, because you will get tangential thoughts and ideas, and you will not remember to write them down five pages later when you finally get to taking notes on that scene. Trust me. On that note...

_-_

6) Write everything down the moment you think of it. Seriously.

“I’ll remember it when I get around to writing that scene in a couple days / weeks / months (/years).”

You won’t.

Write it down.

Phone, journal, google docs - hell, my family regularly laughs at me for grabbing a napkin during dinner and scribbling thoughts down alongside pasta sauce stains.

And then, once you have it written down somewhere...

_-_

7) Consolidate your writing ideas in one place.

Maybe this isn’t really your style, and that’s totally chill.

Buuuut, if you’re Type-A like me - or if you tend to be somewhat unorganized and you know you’ll lose track of your writing notes if they’re scattered across multiple notebooks, journals, napkins, phone notes, etc. - having one consolidated document of notes is a life saver. I keep mine on Google Docs so I can access it, add to it, and look through it for inspiration anywhere at any time. When I have one of those Shower Thoughts that I jot down on my phone or on a napkin during dinner, I set myself a reminder on my phone to type it up in my Story Ideas document later.

(Or, if the idea I had was for a story of mine that I’ve already started planning / drafting / whatever, I put it in the document for that story instead of the Big Random Story Ideas doc. You get it.)

_-_

8) Have other ways to collect and save writing ideas, besides just writing stuff down. If you like Pinterest, make pinterest boards of your characters or stories or settings or whatever. If you’re big into playlists, make a playlist for your character / setting / story / etc. Or both. Or something else. I’m not good at drawing, but maybe you are, and maybe you like to draw your ideas. Whatever form it takes, having another way to save ideas and think about your stories is invaluable.

_-_

9) Some writers can just start writing with no idea where the story is going, and they just kind of figure it out as they go. I envy those writers. And I do that sometimes for fanfiction, where the stakes are somewhat lower and the audience is reading more for scene-to-scene enjoyment (and to see their OTP kiss) than for a Driving And Compelling Narrative.

But here’s the thing: especially if you’re just kind of starting out, writing without some sort of plan is really, really hard, and will likely lead you into a slow, meandering narrative that will likely frustrate you.

Even if you think you’re someone that just can’t write with a plan (and again, I have the highest respect for pansters out there - I don’t know how you do it, you crazy bastards, but you keep doing you) - even if you think “I can’t work with plans, they’re too prescriptive, I just want to write and see what happens -”

Try at least making the most skeletal of plans.

Even if you have no clue what 90% of the story is, yet. That’s fine. But you need to have some idea of what you’re building to, even if that’s nothing more specific than a feeling, or a turning point for your character. Even if your entire plan for everything beyond Chapter 1 is, “At some point, Charlie needs to realize that Ed was lying to her.”

This is where those Draft 0.5 notes come in handy. Because, more than likely, working on your current scene that way will spark ideas for later scenes, which you can put down at the bottom of the document and save for when they become relevant. In my experience, the line between planning ahead and making a Draft 0.5 is exceptionally thin. One can quickly turn into the other.

If you’re really, really resistant to the idea of planning ahead, that’s okay. It’s not everybody’s style. But for the love of all that is holy, write down your ideas for future scenes, even if you’re a person that doesn’t like to plan and writes only in story order, because you will not remember that idea once you get to that scene.

_-_

10) You don’t have to write in order.

Here’s the thing: I’m a person that can only do my Draft 1 in story order (meaning, chronological order). I just have to be in that flow; I need to write in story order for me to best channel where the character is at from scene to scene, both narratively and emotionally.

But my Thought Vomit Draft is another thing entirely. By using the brain hack of putting my notes in red (or another color, it doesn’t matter) and going down to the bottom of the document / page and taking notes there, and then integrating them into whatever plan I have, and then translating them into Draft 1 once I get there in the story - by doing that, I can get my good ideas onto the page (and expound upon them and let my muse carry me and ride that momentum while I’m in the moment of inspiration) without writing out of order.

Maybe that’s just me. But if you’re a person who really prefers to write in story order, that could be hugely helpful to you. It is to me.

_-_

11) Emotion and motivation will do more for your story than technicalities of plot.

If your characters really care about something, and their journey through the (shaky or weak) plot is emotionally engaging, it will be a much more compelling story than a story with a “perfect” plot and unrelatable or unmotivated characters.

If your characters care about what they’re doing, and it means something to them, and their goals and actions are driven by dreams or fears or emotions that are integral to who they are, your audience will care too. If you have a perfectly crafted plot that hits all the right beats and has high stakes and fast pacing and drama - but your characters don’t connect with what’s happening in a way that’s deeply meaningful or emotional for them? You’re gonna have a hard time engaging readers.

When in doubt, prioritize character emotion and motivation over plot. Emotion is what drives story.

This power is highly exploitable. (Just look at pulp novels and shitty but entertaining movies.) You can even use it to glaze over plot holes or reinvigorate a limp narrative. Use it that way sparingly, though. It’s a band-aid, not a surgery.

_-_

12) Evil villains are hard to write - mostly because there are very few truly evil people in the world. (There are a few. Billionaires and several big name politicians come to mind.) But by and large, there aren’t that many evil people. There are plenty of bad people, but bad people have some good in them, somewhere in there. Trying to write an evil villain is hard, because they often turn very cartoony.

Here’s a tip: it’s much easier to write antagonists who aren’t evil. Even if they’re bad people. Of course, there’s no reason you can’t write a villain that’s just truly evil - a serial killer, or an abuser, or a billionaire, or someone who legit just wants to hurt people or blow up the earth or stay in control of an oppressed population, or whatever. But chances are, it’s gonna be really hard to make them feel real, and even harder to create a plot around them that doesn’t feel forced or contrived.

Instead, try writing an antagonist / villain whose motivations and goals directly clash with your protagonist’s - but not because they want to take over the world or see people suffer. Write an antagonist who’s chaotic good, but whose perception of the situation is completely opposite from your hero’s. Write an antagonist whose only desire is to save people, and who will do anything to achieve that goal - anything. Write an antagonist who believes in the letter of the law, and will hinder and oppose the hero’s methods even if they agree with the hero’s motivation. Write an antagonist who got in way over their head and did some things they regret, and now they don’t know how to get out, and they’re doing their best but whatever they set in motion is too powerful for them to stop now.

Write villains who are human. Write a killer who thought they were doing the right thing by taking their victim out of the equation, who vomits at the sight of the body and sobs over the grave they dig. Write a government leader who truly believes she’s doing what’s best for her people in the long-term, even if it might hurt them in the short term, and is willing to endure the hatred and belligerence of the masses if it means securing what she thinks is a better future for her people. Write a teenage bully that thinks they’re the one being picked on by the world, and they’re just fighting back, standing their ground. Write a scientist who will break any code of ethics and hurt anyone he needs to - in order to bring back his baby sister from the grave, because he promised her he’d protect her and he failed. Write an antagonist who is selfish and self-centered and capricious - because in order to survive they had to look out for Number One, and that habit ain’t about to break anytime soon.

Write villains who aren’t even villains. Write antagonists who oppose the hero because of moral differences. Write antagonists who are trying to do the right thing. Write antagonists who treat the heroes with kindness and dignity and respect and gentleness.

They don’t have to be good. They don’t have to be Misunderstood Sweethearts who “deserve” a redemption arc. They can be cruel and nasty and dismissive and callous and violent and etc. etc.

Just hesitate before you make them Evil-with-a-capital-E. Because evil is hard to write, and honestly, boring to read. Flawed human beings with goals and motivations that directly oppose the main characters’ are much easier to write and much more interesting to read.

Ask why. Why is your villain trying to take over the world? What does that even mean? Are they trying to create a Star-Trek-like post-capitalism utopia, but they know that won’t happen in a million lifetimes, so they’re trying to do it by force? Are they actually super in favor of human rights, but they got very impatient waiting for the world to do anything about poverty and war, so they decided to take it into their own hands? Are they determined to fix the world - no matter the cost? Are they terrified and overwhelmed, but committed to see it through to the end? Or - maybe they’re just doing it on a dare. Maybe they don’t really give a shit about world domination, they were just a mediocre rich white guy who decided to fuck around and find out, and now he’s kind of curious how far he can take this thing. And now he’s kind of an internationally-wanted criminal, so he’s kind of stuck living on his hidden private island in his multi-billion dollar secret base, strapping lasers to sharks’ heads for the hell of it. Gross, selfish, uncaring, and dangerous? For sure. Evil? Depends on your definition. See, now we’re getting somewhere.

_-_

13) It’s tempting to let the plot control the characters. It’s easy to drop your characters into a situation and see how they react. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t drive plot. In fact, it bogs down pacing. Instead, try to build you plot off of your characters’ actions and decisions. Let your character build their own situation. Not to say it should go they way they wanted it to go; in fact, usually, their grand plans should go to hell very quickly. But having the characters take action and make decisions, and letting the plot develop based on that, is much easier to make compelling than making a rigid series of events and then trying to herd your characters into them.

_-_

14) Having trouble justifying a character’s actions? Consider having them make the opposite decision, or having them approach the situation in a different way. For example: you need your character to go meet the bad guy, for plot reasons, even though there’s no way it’s not a trap. If the character goes, readers are gonna be groaning with their head in their hands, because c’mon man, that was really fucking stupid. But he’s gotta go, because the plot needs that. Two ways you might handle this: a) He knows it’s probably a trap. He decides not to go. The plot conspires to get him near the villain anyway. Or, b) He knows it’s a trap. But he needs to go, for (insert reasons here). So, he approaches it in an unexpected way. He brings backup, recruiting a side character we met earlier in the story. Or he arrives on the back of a dragon, because ain’t nobody gonna fuck with a dude on a dragon. Or he goes - early, and ambushes the villain. It may work, it may not. He may get himself kidnapped anyway. But it moves the plot along without having Stupid Hero Syndrome.

_-_

15) This is a legit piece of advice: if all of this sounds overwhelming, literally just ignore it and write what you want. For real. Writing should be fun, and every single writer operates differently. If you’re sitting here like “I’m getting stressed just reading this,” just flip me a good-natured bird and get on with your life. I promise I won’t take it personally. Same goes for literally any other writing advice you see. Lots of rules and guidelines can very quickly make anything thoroughly un-fun. Just write. If you’re passionate about it and you do it for long enough, you’ll start figuring out the tips and tricks on your own.

_-_

16) Here’s the best piece of advice I can give you: know your characters. More importantly, know what’s important to them. Build their personality and decisions off of that, and build your plot off of their decisions.

I see a lot of character building sheets that ask a shit-ton of questions like “What’s their most prized possession?” “Do they like their family?” “What’s their favorite food?”

And while these are good questions, my problem with this type of character building is that if you start there, with the little stuff, you’re building on nothing. IMO, to make a truly strong character (not strong like Inner Strength, strong like effective), you need a strong foundation.

Here are the things you must know about your character:

a) What are their greatest fears / deepest insecurities? And I don’t mean “wasps” or “heights.” I mean the deep shit. I mean fears like “living a meaningless life,” or “turning out just like their parents,” or “that no one will ever love them,” or “being powerless.” You may say, “But they’re really scared of wasps! They fall into a wasp nest when they were little and got stung so much they almost died!” Great! That’s a fantastic bit of backstory. They should absolutely be afraid of wasps, and that should absolutely be an impediment later in the story. But dig deeper. What about that event actually scarred them? Was it the helplessness? Stumbling around, swatting at the air, not being able to do a single thing to stop what was happening to them? Was it that they were alone, and no matter how loud they screamed, no one was coming? Was it the bodily horror of feeling themself turn into an inhuman creature as they swelled up from the stings, unable to move their fingers or face normally anymore?

And don’t forget insecurities, because those factor in, too. Are they deeply insecure about their identity? Do they believe, deep down, that they’re ugly? Did they grow up poor and they’ve always been really touchy about that? Why? Dig deep. Figure out what really, really bothers them.

b) What are their hopes and dreams? What do they truly want out of life? What do they consider the most valuable to their experience here in this thing called life? Is it the freedom to forge their own path and be independent? Is it the approval of their family or peers? Is it a home? Is it knowledge, or understanding? Spiritual fulfillment? Is it deeply important to them that they contribute to their community, or protect those they love? What do they need in order to feel truly and deeply fulfilled in life?

Figure out those two things (each one encompasses several things, btw, you don’t have to stop at just one for each), and then use that to inform how they behave and the types of decisions they make within the story.

It also informs character behavior and personality.

Let’s say we have a character who’s afraid of helplessness. They’re probably gonna be the person that always wants to do something, try something, no matter how hopeless the situation seems. They’d despise just sitting and waiting, probably, because it makes them feel powerless. They might even be the person that makes rash decisions and acts impulsively and puts themself in danger unnecessarily, because in their mind it’s better than being at the mercy of fate. This is one way you could use a character’s personality to inform their decisions, which in turn helps to inform plot.

Or, let’s say we have a character whose greatest fear is being left behind or forgotten. We may have a chatterbox on our hands. They might be obnoxious. They might love the spotlight, constantly vying for attention no matter the situation, because deep down they’re so afraid that they’d be forgotten otherwise. Or, it may go the opposite way. They may be so afraid of people leaving them that they’re terrified of bothering people. They don’t want to do anything that could annoy people, anything that might give people a reason to leave them. They might be exceedingly polite, quiet, accommodating. A push-over, really.

These are two nearly opposite types of personalities, both stemming from the same core fear/insecurity. You can go a lot of different ways with it. But if you build on that strong foundation, you’ll have a strong character, and a stronger plot.

Likewise, the structure of your story can and should inform the design of these character traits. If you need your characters to team up near the end, it may be impactful if you give your main character a deep fear of commitment, an insecurity about being unwanted or left behind, and make them highly value independence and freedom. That could make their team-up for the final battle very meaningful. Conversely, you can use your character’s deepest fears and desires to help design the plot. Is your character deeply insecure about voicing their opinions or taking a stand, because of trauma they faced in the past? Make them face that. Build that into the climactic third act. Give them the big inspirational speech where they stand up and talk about what they believe to be important, what they think the group should do. And then design that character arc to run through the story, giving you more handholds and stepping stones, more pieces of foundation on which to design the plot.

In this way, character should inform story as much as story informs character. It’s a feedback loop.

Bonus: if you build your character and your plot off of each other in this way, it automatically starts to build in the foundations of that emotional investment I mentioned earlier. If your character’s decisions are based on what they most want and do not want in life, you basically have your character motivation and stakes pre-built.

Note: you need to know these things about your villain, too.

-_-_-

I’m genuinely sorry about the length of this, lmao. But you did ask.

Best of luck!

Edit: I forgot an important one:

17) Start when the scene starts and end when the scene ends.

What do I mean by that?

If your notes say “Danny asks Nicole out after school and majorly flubs it,” start the scene when Danny approaches Nicole after school. Better yet, cold-open the scene on “I was wondering if, you know, you’d wanna. You know. Hang out some time?”

Don’t start that morning when Danny goes to school, unless you’re gonna cover the school day in like one or two sentences. Don’t spend whole paragraphs going through the school day, unless it’s to cover other plot points first (in which case apply these same guidelines there), or if the paragraphs are there for a specific reason, like to illustrate how stressed he is and how it seems like every little thing is going wrong. Even then, trim the fat as much as possible. Expounding and describing everything Moment-to-moment is for the meat of the scenes, not the leading-up-to and coming-away-from.

Here’s my rule of thumb: study how and when movies cut from scene to scene. Movies have exceptionally strict, limited time for storytelling; they’re excellent examples of starting a scene when the plot point starts and ending when it’s over. If you can’t picture a movie showing everything you showed, start the scene later and end it earlier.

#asks #anon #writing advice #writing tips #writing #fanfic writing #fanfiction #character creation #plot development #character development #my advice #original writing

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xiaq · 4 years ago

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Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

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reimagine7 · 3 years ago

Text

Hot Lifeguard (Emily Sonnett x reader)

My first story. Sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language. Opened for suggestions.

It was just another day at work. Days like this were one of my favorites. Just a few people at the beach and less people in the water, that is almost the perfect scenario for a lifeguard. Because normally that means no incidents. My shift was almost over, just one more hour and I could go home to prepare for dinner tonight with my girlfriend.

Right now I am sitting at the cabbing along with Josh, my partner for the day.

“No fucking way” I heard Josh yell while loking at something through the glass.

“What? What did you see?” I asked “You’re not going to believe who just arrived at the beach” “Well, if you give me the binoculars I could see by myself.” “There is no need to. Look at the group over there.” He said pointing to a place in the sand “Okay, I’m looking but I’m not getting it.”

Just as I said that I saw a blond girl running a few meters at the sand and trying to do a cartwheel on the sand and failing miserably, ending with her butt at the sand. Yep, now I know of who Josh is talking about.

“Girl, that is the US women’s soccer team, seems like the whole team is in here.” He was really excited “Josh, clean it right here…” (I rubbed my hand on my chin and he copied me) “Why?” He asked, after seeing nothing on her hand “You’re drooling.” “Oh, fuck up.” She pushes me and keeps looking at the team, it wasn’t the whole team but is probably half of the girls.

“Okay, I’m gonna say hi. Do you wanna come?” Josh asked me “You can go, someone has to stay here and actually do the work.” Josh rolled his eyes but got the walktalk. “Fine, I would tell them you say hi, I’m bringing the walktalk” “Go there looser.”

I was just watching a few surfers at the beach, when I looked to my left and saw Josh coming back with the group of girls following him. He gave me a sign for me to come down.

“So Y/n these are the players from USWNT and girls this is Y/n.” “Hi girls, I actually know you all, I’m a big fan, you’re all badasses.” “Thank you. We heard that so was you.” Ashlyn said and Alex followed. “Josh here went to say hi and told us that his coworker was a woman and a badass so we needed to come check out.” “Well, it’s my pleasure to meet you.”

“For how long have you been working here?” Ali asked. “In this part of the beach not much, but as a lifeguard, 10 years.” The girls were shocked “Oh, 10 years? Sorry to ask but how old are you?” “25” “You can be a lifeguard while you’re 15?” “Yes. I was a good swimmer and at a young age I started to learn surfing, I always loved the water. So one day I got the opportunity to be a lifeguard at a waterpark near home, since then I never stopped. And soon as I had enough experience to be a lifeguard at the beach I moved and here I am.” Tobin spoke this time. “So do you also surf?” Before I could answer, Josh interrupted us “Oh yeah, this is almost like an unofficial rule to be a lifeguard, and Y/n is like the best here. Sorry girls, but I’ll go upstairs and check the beach” “Bye Josh, it was a pleasure to meet you.” The girls said and then looked back at me.

“I’m probably not that good, but yes I can surf.” “We would love to see that, it’s a shame you’re at work.” Tobin answered. “Isn’t your shift ending?” Emily spoke this time, I looked at her and the sun was hitting her face, making her blue eyes shine, she is so beautiful. “Yeah, actually. I have probably just one more hour left.”

“So what about you meeting us after it and we can see how good you actually are?” Ashlyn asked me with a smirk. “That is a challenge Ashlyn?” “You can bet on it.” Ali smacks Ashlyn in the back of her head. “Ashlyn, you can’t go out challenging people.” “Just a moment girls.”

I interrupted whoever was saying, as soon as I spotted something on the ocean. I climbed the ladder from the cabin and called for Josh. “Josh!” “Yeah boss!” “Look at the water, 10 o’clock. What do you see?” “There is noth… shit looks like two people. Maybe kids. Go!” I jump in the sand and get the surfboard. “Sorry girls, and it’s a bet Ash.” I ran as fast as I could toward the people, wishing this day could end as good as it started.

As I was getting closer to them I noticed that one of them was a little girl, around 5 years old and the other was a boy around 12 years old. I was going as fast as I could but it looked like it wasn't enough. As I was about to get to them, the boy pushed the girl up, and sank. Fuck!

“Help! Lucas!” I got the girl, put her over the board and tried to find the boy but he didn’t get back up. What should I do? I looked up and saw the girl was using diving glasses. “Can you lend me this? Okay, look, you see these ropes? Hold them as strong as you can and don’t let them go. I’ll get Lucas.”

I know it look like a stupid ideia, let the girl up there by herself, but if I wait for Josh to get here the boy could be dead. So I got in the water and dived trying to find the boy. I surf back up, check with the little girl, get some breath and dive back. I was almost giving up when I felt something on my left leg and when I looked at it was him. So I get his hand and rise back. “Lucas!!” I got back on the board, laid him down and asked for the girl to sit in front of me holding the ropes. He’s unconscious, I need to get to the beach as fast as possible.

I got to the beach and Josh was already there with the equipment and said he had already called an ambulance. I barely got that, the boy was my first priority, I looked up and saw the national team girls were close. “Hey little girl, you see these women over there?” She nodded. “Stay with them, for me to take care of Lucas okay?” She didn’t want to let go of him, must be her brother. Probably noticing my expression, Emily came over and got the girl, she started to scream. But my focus was somewhere else now. The boy wasn’t breathing, so I started the compression. “Come on, come on. Spit the water. Come on Lucas, you can do it.” I must be doing it for like 1 minute, but it felt like an hour, when the boy spit the water. “Good boy. Calm down, you’re safe now.” I put him on oxigen, and the ambulance arrived just in time as he regained consciousness. “Hey boy, what’s your name?” The paramedic asked. “Lucas.” “Hi, Lucas. My name is Daniel and I’m a paramedic and I’m going to help you okay? How old are you?” “12. Where is my sister?” “Hey Lucas, it’s okay, she is over there, stay calm okay.”

I looked back at the girl and went to calm her down. “Hey little girl, how are you?” She came running for my arms. “Lucas?” She asked while crying in my arms. “He is better now, you see? He is talking with the doctors now. Where are your parents sweety?” “Don’t know.” And as it was agreed the mother shows up. “Lucas? Lucy?” “Mom!” The little girl ran to the women's arms. “Where is Lucas?” “Hi Mrs, my name is Y/N. Lucas is over there being taken care of. Do you know what happened?” “No, I told them that I was going to get some water and when I came back they weren’t there so I started to freak out and I saw the comotion here.” They start to take the boy to the ambulance. “Okay, Mrs…” “Grey” “Mrs. Grey, they are taking Lucas to the ambulance right now, they will check on him, he drowned trying to save his sister, I’m going to explain everything to you until we get to the ambulance, can you just pack your stuff? Are you alone here?” “Yes, my husband is at work. And I already packed everything, it is in here.” “Good, come on. And I would like Lucy to have a check up as well, she hasn’t drowned but she could have drunk some water. We don’t want to take risks right?” With that I went up to the ambulance with the mom and then let the paramedics do their job. I hope the kid stays good.

I went back to the post and Josh was there. “What a way to end the shift right?” “Thank god, I found the boy under water. Otherwise it would ruin the day.” “Yeah, and the super boss shows up again to save the day.” “Stop.” “Fine, now get out of here. There are some people waiting for you. Go have some fun.” I had completely forgotten about them, time to go say hi, again.

Emily pov

We were still excited about what just happened at the beach.

“She is totally a badass, she was just talking with us and still caught the kids drowning in the water.” Tobin said. “When she left the girl alone at the board I was like ‘what is she doing?’ and then she just got the boy under water, that was amazing.” Christen said “That’s why she is the boss.” Ali complement.

“Okay, but let’s not forget how hot she is. When she ran toward the water, it was just like we were in Baywatch, and her body. God!” “Kelley!!” “What Linds, is not like you don’t agree with me you were drooling watching her doing her job.” Kelley fought back. “I was not…” Lindsey said pouting, Megan put a hand on her shoulder and said. “Sorry Linds but you totally were. But that’s fine, she is hot as fuck and I think that half of the girls here were drooling, even the “straight” ones”. She intensifies the quotation marks.

Then Christen intervened. “She also looks like a good person, she looks smart, determined and kind. You saw her with the little girl?” “Hey, I don’t have a competition do I?” Tobin protested. “Of course not babe, but she may be good for some other girls here. And watch out cause she is coming here.”

I looked behind me and Y/N was coming over, she had changed off her uniform and was now just in her swimming suit, a backpack and a surfboard. She was more beautiful, if that was even possible and hotter.

“Hey girls, my shift is just over. So I remembered that one of you challenged me on surfing. So I want to know if she is still up to it?” Ash stood up “Oh yeah, game on bitch. Tobs, Kell are you coming?” “Of course, let’s go.” Both of them replied.

Some girls went along with them for the water, others decided to take a walk on the sand and others were just going to lay and get a tan. Before Y/N followed the girls to the water she came near me. “So, beautiful, can I put my stuff here near you?” “I think so.” “Good, you’re not coming?” “Not today.” “Okay, be right back.” She winked at me and left toward the ocean.

I sat back in the sand and just watched her get some waves with the girls, she was stunning. Of course she was winning the challenge, but who cares, everyone was just amazed by her.

I was contemplating her beauty when Moe sat beside me and asked. “So, are you gonna spill the beans?” “There is nothing to spill. Don’t know what you are talking about?” “You sure do. If you do nothing the others will keep flirting with her and who knows what could happen.” I look at her shocked. “It’s in your eyes Sonny.”

An hour later everyone came back from the water and we went to play some footvolley. We paired everyone up and Y/N ended up being my partner. She was amazing at that and we had a lot of fun. She was flirting with me the whole time and I was hoping the girls weren't noticing it.

We stopped playing and were getting ready to leave, when Kelley whispered in my ear. “You better do something girl, she is flirting with you the whole day, everyone noticed. If you don’t do something we will.” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” She just shaked her head and went toward Ash and Tobin, whispered something to them and they went to Y/N.

“So Y/n, we had a lot of fun today and we really wanted to get to know you better. Tell us a little bit more about you.” Tobin asked. “Well, you already know I’m 25 and am a lifeguard. I graduated from the University of Virginia with a degree in exercise and sports science. I give surf classes for kids and I’m also a coach for some amatour surfer athletes. And I’m a sports lover.”

“Wait, too much information. You’re a surf coach?” Ashlyn asked incredibly. “Yeah? Sorry but you were the one who made the bet.” “That explains a lot.”

Becky was the one to speak now. “You went to Virginia? That’s awesome me too, so does Moe and Sonnett, but it doesn’t have a beach there.” “Yeah, I know. I took a pause from the beach while I was studying and worked at a waterpark over there.”

“I got a question…” Oh no, Kelley shut up. “Are you single?” With that Y/N wined her eyes and blush a little, she looked at me and then back to Kelley.

“No?” “You don’t seem too sure about that.” Tobin interjected. “I mean, no, I’m not single. But we haven’t told anyone besides family yet, so…” “Wait a second, so you’re not single? Are you sure? I’m way confused right now.” “Yeah, I’m sure. She actually loves soccer, she loves you guys.”

While the rest of the girls started asking other questions for Y/n. Kelley looked at me with a ‘sorry dude’ look. I understand why she was like that, I mean Y/n was indeed flirting with me, everyone was probably confused as to why she was flirting with me if she has a girlfriend. But they were clueless and I was having a lot of fun with it, so I decided to enjoy it a little bit more and so I spoke up.

“Hey Y/N we actually have the whole day off, so we were thinking of hanging out together and going out for dinner. What do you say? Wanna come?” Y/N looked at me with a intrigued look, but agreed either way. “Yeah, I would love to.”

“Your girlfriend would be okay with that?” Ashlyn asked. “Yeah she wouldn’t mind.”

“Maybe you can call her right now and talk to her just to make sure?” I said, Y/n was really confused right now, she was trying to understand what I mean with that. I just nodded and saw a smirk appear on her face. “Yeah, that will be great.” Some girls looked at me, don’t getting what I was doing. Christen added. “And if you want to invite her, you said she was a fan, we can surprise her if you want to” “Of course, it will be fun”.

Y/n got her phone and made the call. “So who is gonna talk?” Y/N look at me and I nod toward Kelley. “O’hara you think you can do it? She would love that?” Y/n asked “Of course. What's her name again?” “Oh, you don’t need that” She looked at her phone and back at me, I gave her a reassuring look as she started to talk.

“Hi babe. So I’m at the beach now, and there are some girls here that want to say hi to you.” She put on speaker for everyone to hear. “Hi. It’s Kelley O’hara here, and you are talking with half of the national team.” Silent went over the line, the girls started looking at each other and Y/n spoke.

“She is probably in shock, can you tell her about the dinner?” “Yeah, so we just asked Y/n if she wants to come to dinner with us and we also would like to invite you, so what do you say?” I waited a moment and answered on my phone. “I would love to, but I thought that as I was the one who made the invitation I was already invited.”

Everyone looked at me and then back to Y/n, they were in shock. Y/n has that stupid smile on her face that I love so much and answered. “That’s good babe, can’t wait.” We just kept looking at each other's eyes. Oh god, I love this girl so much. When Kelley yelled.

“Wait a minute. Why did you call Sonnett?” “Well you asked for me to call my girlfriend. So I did.” Y/n spoke with a smirk on her face “The Emily Sonnett, this girl here is your girlfriend?” “Hey, what do you mean by that? I can’t date a hot girl?”

With that I went to Y/n side, hugged her and she gave me a peck “And you let me, no, you let us, drool over you girlfriend and didn’t say a thing?” I couldn’t get the smile out of my face. “It was funny and I didn’t know yet if she was going to be okay with that.” “That is no excuse, you should have told me, it is not like I was going to tell the world.” Kelley complained and crossed her arms on her chest. “Okay Kelley, less drama. We are happy for you Sonny.” “Thanks Chris, someone here is mature.”

“Wait, does it mean that now we have to give Y/n the shovel talk?” Tobin asked with a serious face. “No!” I protest. “Sorry Sonnett, we have to, it's the team's rules.” Ash responded. “That’s okay babe, I can take it.”

“Fine, but only if Moe gets to be there.” “What? Why? Moe can’t hurt a fly” Becky said. “Because she will make sure you don’t scare Y/n away, she will be on her side.” “Why would she do that?” “Babe you can’t ask Moe that, just because she is my friend.” “Wait, Moe knew?” Kelley said, trying to look hurt. “Way to throw me under the bus Sonny.” Moe complained.

“Of course, she helped me with the plan of asking Y/n out. We studied together, you forgot?” “Of course you were all Cavaliers. That’s it Y/n you are coming with us for dinner, there is no space for debate. We need to see if you are good for Sonnett. Let’s go everyone” With Megan orders everyone start to go back to where the vans were. I got my stuff and I was about to follow the girls, when Y/n pulled my arm.

“Hey hot stuff, I missed you.” She passed her arms over my shoulders and I hugged her waist. “Hi babe, I missed you too. Sorry about doing it without asking you first. But when the girls pulled over and I saw which beach we were at and that you were here, I started thinking about it, and then you were so hot saving the boy, and the girls liked you so much, and they saw you flirting with me, so…” I was interrupted by a kiss. Y/n ’s lips were so soft and rough at the same time. The way she pulls me closer to her and deepens the kiss, I miss her so much.

“That’s okay honey. I loved meeting your teammates.” “What do you say about us skipping dinner? I really missed your lips...” I kissed her lips. “Your neck...” I kissed her neck, and started to touch her body. “I missed all of this, your body is perfect.” She gave a large sigh and pushed me away “Even though I would love to go to our house and make out with you for the rest of the night. I'm sure the girls wouldn’t approve of it. Let’s go, as soon as we get to dinner, sooner you can get this body.” “Nooo, I’m really regretting telling the girls today.” “The good point is that now you don’t have to sneak out anymore, you can always say you are going out with your girlfriend.” “Okay, but one last thing.” I gave her a passionate kiss, until we heard the girls yelling at us from afar. “I love you Y/n.” “I love you too Em. Now let’s go.” We intercalated our hands and walked to where the girls were waiting for us. This night was amazing and now I can say to the world that the Hot Lifeguard is mine.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #emily sonnett #emily sonnett x reader #woso x reader #woso imagine

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thebluespirit83 · 4 years ago

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debunking pro-snape/anti-james arguments and putting it on the internet because clearly i hate myself. buckle up. this is gonna be a VERY long post. im ready for the amount of hate i will get; im willing to take one for the team.

1. james forced lily into dating/marrying/etc him

this literally never happened? because its almost as if lily is her own person who is able to stand up for herself-

“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” said Lily.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.

She turned on her heel and hurried away [from james].

-and so she would not allow someone to walk all over her. its almost as if james (canonically) matured as a person, and she appreciated this, realised he was a good person and got feelings for him? because james’ only negative traits were that he was conceited and a show off. people are able to mature and grow from these things! james did this! he did not ‘force’ lily to go out with him!

2. james and the other marauders bullied snape

you know what, i cant even disagree with this one. you’re right - they did bully him. but lets look a little bit at the context.

sirius and james were both upper class, naive white rich boys. they are idiots. they were both stupid smart teenagers!! they were popular! and while this does not excuse the gross bullying snape was subject to-

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him

Several people watching laughed; Snape was clearly unpopular ... Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

-it (unfortunately) makes sense with context. james and sirius also stopped bullying people, and even expressed discomfort/regret with the way they acted-

“I’m not proud of it,” said Sirius quickly.

“Of course he was a bit of an idiot!” said Sirius bracingly, “we were all idiots!

[sirius talking to remus] you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes

A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it.

-when they were younger! i’d also like to point out these little lines i noticed when i was finding quotes for my argument which snape stans like to ignore:

James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other

I mean, he [snape] never lost an opportunity to curse James

there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood

wow, look at that. the hate they felt for each other was mutual! snape also jinxed james! but oh wait - james was the one who matured! snape was the one who bullied his son twenty years later because he looked like james!

3. snape didnt abuse the kids at hogwarts

here’s a real argument i saw when looking through some pro-snape posts: ‘snape wasn’t an abuser, because abusers don’t let their victims retaliate, but snape did let the kids talk back to him’

what. the. fuck?!

this is the dictionary.com definition of abuse: ‘to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way’ or ‘to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about’. i’m pretty sure snape did both of these things-

“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”

“So,” said Snape, gripping Harry’s arm so tightly Harry’s hand was starting to feel numb.

Snape threw Harry from him with all his might.

[hermione’s teeth] "I see no difference."

‘Idiot boy!’ snarled Snape [at neville]

-on multiple occasions. i’d also like to remind you guys that neville’s worst fear is SNAPE?! his TEACHER, a figure that is supposed to be there for emotional and educational support is his worst fear in this entire world?! above the woman who drove his parents to insanity? over failure, over his abusive grandmother, over everything? his teacher? and for the pro-snaper that used this quote-

Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically.

-to claim that it was a joke, it isn’t a joke. because when snape came out of that cupboard, he was terrified. yes, it’s an embarrassing thing to have as your boggart, but the point is is that it is. he is terrified of that man.

4. james only joined the order because his wife was a muggleborn and he ‘had to’

this is just factually incorrect. james had been sticking up for muggleborn rights since he was in school, far before he started dating or even became friends with lily:

“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him.

“I’d NEVER call you a - you-know-what!”

so this is literally not true!! plus, at least he did join the order, whatever his reasons where (which were canonically good). snape didnt join the order. snape was friends with someone who suffered discrimination in society, and instead of using his privilege to help her and support her, he joined a group that was set on murdering people like her. when james had a friend who underwent oppression (remus/lycanthropy) you know what he did? he illegally became an animagus.

5. snape had to be a death eater to survive at hogwarts as he roomed with blood supremacists

this is the shittiest excuse i have ever seen in my entire life. as a poc, this comment really reminds me of the argument ‘i was raised in a racist white household! i cant control my beliefs!’

you can always control your beliefs. i understand not going on big rants about blood inequality in front of a bunch of supremacists, and i understand wanting to blend and fit in (especially because he was unpopular and needed the support the slytherin boys provided), but i will never understand then becoming an active member of the group yourself. he got the dark mark. he helped voldemort. he was a death eater, and a proud one at that! no-one forced him to join. this argument literally makes my blood boil.

6. snape had a lot of trauma from being raised in an abusive household

okay? so did sirius. so did neville. luna was bullied at school, just like snape. harry lived in an abusive household. did any of those people bully children? did any of those people join a blood supremacist group? and dont get me wrong, im not calling any of these people perfect - they all had a lot of flaws - but none of them hurt another people to the extreme that snape did.

7. snape saved the trio’s lives many times

this is the absolute bare minimum. ‘oh wow, he didnt let harry die!! what a king! he should be respected and praised! we should excuse all of his other actions because he didnt let people die <3′

8. snape is not a perfect person, he also did good that many people overlook

you’re right, snape did do some good things in his life. but unfortunately, for me and many others, doing a couple of good things doesnt excuse all of the shitty, abusive things he did too. we’re not ignoring them - we just dont think they’re good enough reasons to forgive him.

‘but james and sirius hurt others! you ignore all the bad things they did in favour of the good!’ you do the same thing with snape, first of all. second, they did a lot of good stuff. james’ and sirius’ only crimes were being annoying. for being a bit of a dick, conceited, knew they were hot and were a bit entitled. while these things are annoying as fuck, they were also stupid teens that eventually grew out of their behaviour and became better people. not perfect! better. while snape just stayed bitter at the marauders, long after their deaths, and even took his anger out on an innocent child.

9. people only hate snape because he was poc and queer coded

as a poc and queer person, please stop. this is a very bad excuse. being poc and queer (which im pretty sure he isnt, but anyway) doesnt excuse you from your actions. plus, a huge amount of harry potter readers are poc and lgbtq. why would they hate snape for those reasons?!

so thats all i got for today. im not gonna go into a deep snily/jily thing because i literally cannot be bothered. anyway im done. i need to go revise, i’ve already spent long enough on this.

#i wanted to put this in the pro snape tag #but i will be slandered so much if i do #hate on me if you want i dont care #harry potter #the marauders #james potter #pro james potter #sirius black #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #anti severus snape #long rant #lily evans #jily #flowerpott #anti snily #wolfstar

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makeste · 3 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 328: Pandora’s Box of Discourse

Previously on BnHA: DEKU TOOK A BATH.

Today on BnHA:

youtube

Also Naomasa grew a beard. Goddamn.

please let this be a cool chapter that plays nice with my ADHD lol

(ETA: lol I feel guilty because a lot of people hated this chapter, but I’m just happy there was a lot of stuff to make fun of, and also that I have another week to work on my backlog of meta posts since the kids were MIA.)

around one month ago?? ah, okay, so we’re gonna find out what was in that Tartarus security file huh

I love that they just randomly set the place on fire

was it necessary to do this in order to escape? no. was it a good idea to set the island they were occupying on fire while they were in the midst of still occupying it? uh. was it cinematic as fuck? fuck yeah

wow it’s a pervert!!

that’s so great that the villains set loose this fine fellow who I’m sure is definitely not a serial rapist. truly the LoV is so noble and misunderstood. they’re just trying to free society from its chains people

oh my god??!

SHANKED!!! oh my god I cheered for Stain before I realized what I was doing. time to have an identity crisis I guess

so he’s all “hey what’s going on.” which, while a respectable question, is something I personally would have waited to ask until I had put a bit of distance between myself and the fiery murder island. but that’s just my personal preference

Stain you really are tenacious I’ll give you that

“what’s the point of escaping prison if you’re not gonna be smart about it” well shit. anyways yeah you’re dead right, society is in the process of collapsing and the outside world is in total chaos, good call there

oh shit

I mean it’s not like we really expecting anything otherwise, but still. fucking brutal. I feel like these guys’ fates were decided the minute that one guy called AFO “scum” back in chapter 94. AFO is unmatched at getting long-term revenge

ahh, was it the security footage??

fdsdfk he’s still alive??

and he’s immediately launching into an inappropriately theatrical monologue even as the darkness closes in on him fdlfksjdlk. you know, was it ever confirmed that the other guy back in chapter 297 was Seiji’s dad? I’m just saying

very impressed that he’s still coherent enough to weigh the pros and cons before making the decision to gamble on giving this info to Stain, who at the very least has his own moral code and isn’t allied with AFO. it was definitely still a risk, but as we now know it was also the right call

what a weird alliance. so Stain tells him that he’ll give it to a just person, and the guy is all,

okay for real though I’m gonna need someone to run a DNA test on this guy. maybe it was some kind of cuckold situation?? the other guy had the family resemblance, but this guy absolutely 100% raised Shishikura Seiji and you are not going to convince me otherwise

anyway, so Stain is all,

PRISON GUARD: “???? ??????? what the hell. what the fuck does that fucking mean. I’m dying here, jesus christ, whatever man fuck you”

(ETA: I kind of feel like this might have been Stain’s last appearance in the manga, given all the fanfare. there’s not really much else he can do for the story at this point, and he seems to have gotten all the character development Horikoshi was planning on giving him. so if this really is it, hasta la vista and good riddance I guess.)

DWLFDKSLDK MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE

(ETA: I feel like this is meant to be evocative of that Sermon on the Mount painting, but in a really fucked up way lol.)

if it were me stumbling upon this scene I would just shake my head and walk right back into the flaming building. not getting involved in that mess. sorry not sorry. I’ll take my chances with the fire, especially given that it’s half-assed neutered BnHA fire lol

blah blah blah and so he decided to pass the info on to All Might -- HOT DAMN, HOLY SHIT

NAOMASA HOLY SHIT. THE APOCALYPSE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, BOY

“I really like that facial scruff thing Aizawa’s got going on, I think I’m gonna get in on that” yes sir. “also thinking of ditching the tie in favor of the bulletproof vest look. also thinking of getting totally fucking jacked.” good lord. except I’m pretty sure that’s just body armor, but also I don’t care. anyway I should probably stop staring and actually read the fucking speech bubbles here lol

“All Might first handed this information over to Nao, and then went to see Deku, and then came back to Nao” thanks for that tidy little summary Horikoshi. we are capable of piecing events together in sequential order, I just want you to know that. but thank you

“so has Deku finally gotten a bath? also, sucks that Stain saved the day, but what are you gonna do” Nao I missed you so fucking much and didn’t even realize. how am I just now realizing that you are the perfect man

for a second I was gonna ask why Tartarus’s security systems would be cut off from the outside world, and then I remembered that’s a basic security control, and then I actually got impressed by how sensible that is. like, it’s been a while since I could genuinely say that the good guys (excluding class 1-A) did something smart. not that it helped them much in the end, but still

anyway so they’re talking about how AFO was able to coordinate the attack by communicating between his horcrux self on the outside and his ugly peanut-faced self on the inside

huh

okay you have my attention. I am taking notes here lol please continue

ah okay so he says that prior to Jakku, the transfer of information between him and his Vestige self was only one-way. but post-Jakku when Deku was in the hospital, he was able to tell what was happening inside the OFA Radical Lisa Frank Dead People Book Club Realm when he touched him. I feel like we established that before, actually. but he didn’t talk about how it actually felt, though

boy we already know this lol. yes AFO can talk with his horcrux self. and he can also communicate with his little bro in OFA too, let’s talk about that sometime why don’t we. what exactly does that imply, based on the rules we’ve established here

my god I cannot get over Naomasa and his fucking facial hair

no wonder All Might was in such a hurry to leave Deku and get back here

like I have no idea what this radio waves nonsense is but my god, people

that jawline. also so it’s a quirk, I see. except last I checked Deku didn’t have a radio waves quirk, so that doesn’t really explain his connection to AFO. but whatever, hopefully we’re at least getting closer to some kind of reveal here

(ETA: since I sometimes forget that other people’s lives don’t revolve around my theory posts, here are the two relevant links if you by chance want to know my thoughts about this.

Hagakure is still The U.A. Traitor™ regardless of whether Deku is passing information on to AFO through his psychic link, which he almost certainly is.

speaking of said psychic link, Deku is a horcrux.

just posting these now, because whenever trippy OFA stuff happens I tend to get an influx of theory asks. so hopefully this will be a bit of a time saver lol.)

-- wait, what

THAT’S what the recording was??!? holy SHIT. I genuinely was not expecting that. y’all wiretapped his fucking telepathy. fucking quirks, man. wild

AND THEY USED THAT POWER TO DETERMINE WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW, HUZZAH. GOOD SHOW

-- oh shit wait lol, except I forgot we’re not talking about 38 days from the present, we’re talking about 38 days from the date the conversation was recorded. heh. um

yeah that’s the face I would make too if All Fucking Might just casually told me we had eight days left until the end times

oh, pardon me. three fucking days

r.i.p. anyone who thought we were going to have another band arc sob. I sure hope Deku is enjoying that nap

(ETA: I realize people were hoping for a longer rest period here, but given that the man warned us all the way back in chapter 306 that we were entering the final act, you can’t really blame him too much when that turns out to be true. anyway but I do recognize that we’ve reached the point in the story where this kind of discourse is going to become a weekly occurrence, simply because there’s no possible way for Horikoshi’s actual endgame to line up perfectly with the variable headcanons of millions of fans, all of whom have wildly differing and in many cases contradictory expectations which can’t possibly all be fulfilled. anyway, so I’m already bracing myself for that lol. this coming year is going to be a wild ride.)

damn, U.A. out here looking like the motherfucking United Nations

-- is this U.A.?? I actually just realized, U.A. is four interconnected buildings, not two. wait holy shit is this Shiketsu?

wait holy SHIT

based on the overwhelmingly powerful vibes of bureaucratic incompetence, I’m thinking this really is the (future) U.N., or whatever organization it is that deals with international hero stuff

“just let them handle it themselves I’m sure they’ll be fine” yeah okay, thanks guys. appreciate it

wait oh shit did he say that it’s not just Japan?

soooo, what you’re telling me is that AFO is this close to bringing about the end of not just Japan, but the entire world, and you guys don’t think it’s a good idea to help the Japanese heroes stop him? so, genuine follow-up question: are you guys already planning your rich people exodus into space a la Wall-E, and that’s why you don’t give a fuck?? like, what??

omg international heroes

these guys are from World Hoodie Mission, right? is this Horikoshi’s way of reminding me to buy tickets

(ETA: and it worked too lol.)

WHO??? WHAT???

don’t tell me you’re introducing yet another badass new female character for me to fall in love with only to watch as you dismember them and/or blow them up, Horikoshi. I’m getting tired of playing this game my dude. don’t lie and tell me this time will be different. we’re not doing this again goddammit

noooooooooooooooooooo

god fucking dammit lmao. [sighs and rips the previous paragraph into shreds]

on behalf of Americans I apologize for our superheroes always being Like This

I also apologize because I love her already and I’m gonna be shameless about it. so fucking shameless you guys

is her fucking hair red white and blue. it is, isn’t it

this is the volume cliffhanger, 100% lol. it will take every ounce of Horikoshi’s willpower not to put her on the volume cover. he’ll have to settle for the spine or the inner cover this time because Deku VS his class 1-a superpals takes precedence. but it will be a close thing let me tell you

tbh it’s that smile that does it for me. she’s definitely All Might’s protege. get out there and show them how it’s done girl. and maybe call Salaam and BRD and see if you can’t convince them to play hooky from their governments as well. why not. world’s ending in three days you guys. “sorry, I’m busy this weekend” ain’t gonna cut it lol

so while I am not fully caught up with Vigilantes, I have read far enough to know that there’s an American hero named Captain Celebrity whose superpower from what I recall is being a humongous douchebag. and while I haven’t read far enough to know what happens to this guy, I can’t say I’m very disappointed to learn that he’s no longer the number one hero in the U.S. (actually, didn’t they kick him out and that’s why he moved to Japan to begin with?). anyway, so my thanks to Horikoshi for having a marginally higher opinion of Americans than Furuhashi, even though we have definitely not done anything to warrant said opinion lately, and you may have inadvertently opened the door to a pandora’s box of discourse lmao

(ETA: lol I went into the tags and they don’t disappoint. “why is she dressed like a flag” because she’s an homage to Captain America and Major Victory and literally every other character on this list. again, I apologize for fictional American superheroes being Like This. “oh boy another thicc waifu to make the fanboys happy” look, tumblr fandom never seems to have a problem thirsting over Dabi or Tomura or Aizawa or Nao, lol, I’m just saying. “where is Captain Celebrity” idk, probably murdered by the exploding bee cartel, let’s just be grateful for our good fortune and try not to Beetlejuice the man.)

anyway, so let’s see if Horikoshi’s recent character development with regards to making Mineta not terrible anymore will apply to other aspects of his writing as well. I know I was making light of discourse just now, but I do think the complaints about him introducing yet another new character at the 11th hour to be cannon fodder in the final battle are absolutely valid. and again, it wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t keep maiming/killing off his female characters one by one instead of developing them and letting them kick ass long-term. but that said, I will never complain about Horikoshi adding another female character to the series, regardless of how clumsy the attempt may be. go ahead and pander away, just give us more girl power lol

anyway so we’ll see how it goes, but I think I’m gonna be optimistic and let myself hope once again, even though I’m probably gonna regret it lol. it is what it is. she is standing on an airplane just chilling for fuck’s sake. I’m only human. anyway fingers crossed

#bnha 328 #stain (bnha)#tsukauchi naomasa #all might #stars and stripes (bnha)#all for one #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #eta: how did I forget to type 'bnha' in the title sob

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