#this is worded WORSE tumblr ate the first half and didn't save it as a draft. Because it's mean to me

[selfcontainedunivcrse]

11 12 22 for cVwoop <- Guy who is thinking about HOA

[11] What are small things that make them happy?

A lot of things (thankfully). It's generally easily amused with novelties, seeing a cute animal or something :]. It's happy with its own work, and likes seeing it and like. remembering that that exists. Its little desk and its displays in its house and its other contributions to the server. Also its just the type of person which everything reminds it of its friends, y'know >(^w^)<

[12] How high is their self-esteem?

Not great!! It believes itself to be pretty competent in a fair few skills, but it is very aware of its shortcomings. And it really beats itself up when it messes up, especially in an Interpersonal Fumble, and especially if anyone actually gets hurt (or it thinks that it is its fault). It also has a lot of the perpetual guilt of being alive and Not Doing Enough. Generally needs to be validated by other people that it is fine. There is also sort of an underlying understanding that it is different / weird / Something Wrong With It but this is like... less prevalent than beating itself up for the things happening Now.

[22] Do they have nightmares, and if yes, when did they start and what are they usually about?

I think it does fairly often. It's not someone who knows how to control what its thinking about or take its mind off of anything, and it is thinking about horrors Very Often. The aforementioned guilt of being alive. Especially when its alone, which would mostly be when people have split up to go home and rest. (Sometimes Finch is also home. This is not helpful for em anymore, even if they fall asleep together. Ey cannot stop Thinking About It.)

They would definitely be about the sculk stuff. Finch, sometimes, and the whole sacrifice thing. Arron and Popcorn getting hurt. Or getting possessed too. I think that a reoccurring one that would haunt it into having it more because it wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it would be being all alone in the little apocalypse bunker that it decorated to feel better, with the vague dream knowledge that it is Alone Now and Cannot Leave.

It used to consider dreams in the house it grew up nightmares on principle, but they're Really less worse than this. Sometimes there were buildings it did not recognize, a big clock tower on a cliff overlooking a river, kind of like the flower area.

It really hates when both types of scary dream combine into one scarier dream.

[euthym1as]

MONDAY MORNINGS AT THE GOLDEN HOUSE.

why am i writing this in tumblr's text post editor instead of a google doc? bc im bonkers thats why

uhhhh this is my interpretation of what happens to childe in SAGAU when we fight him

this is gonna be like half ex-chili and half god/alien reader + a very damaged childe it can be read as shippy either way [reader is not traveler but does the things traveler does ok i dont want discourse here abt childe/traveler ships]

content warnings: implicit sadomasochism, mention of vomiting offscreen, violence, manipulation and lying by the reader, general brain fuckery, the only child that gets hurt here is childe i promise

MONOCEROS CAELI;

Every Monday, at 4 A.M. Every morning, he woke up in a cold sweat, arm muscles burning, head ringing in pain. Childe- no, Tartaglia- knew that the nightmare was back again.

Childe wasn't his old name anyways, it was a cover used for Liyue, and now that Liyue was in the past he had no need for it anymore. Names were to be discarded when they were done with their use, that's what the Fatui taught him.

The one person who had said that name so softly, like it was something to be held and cherished instead of a thick lie on his tounge, was not someone he could confide in anymore. Not after what happened. He clenches his fists on his bedsheets, anger rising in his chest. Why? Why did the two of you, the people he dared love, care for, betray him? Why set him up for failure behind his back and come to destroy him when he was down?

The two of you were filthy, filthy liars. A funeral consultant. An outlander. He grits his teeth. Gods. Gods parallel to the one he served, one the Lord of Geo in the land he walked upon, the other a power just as alluring and dangerous as the Abyss. He remembers the first time you had fought, how could he not?

You had been trying to save Liyue from Osial. A futile mission in his eyes at the time, and his confidence, looking back, was unwarranted. You not only mastered the elements to your will, but you fought like you had fought him a hundred times before. It was... familiar to you. Like you anticipated his every move.

There were times that he knew he should have hit you, he knows it. You were unleashing an ultimate attack move he had to marvel at, and when he struck, it was like nothing hit you at all.

The first time you fought, he accused you of being evasive, saying all you ever did was run. He ate his words, and also the shards of shrapnel from the floor above him when you both descended down below. You didn't run. At least, you didn't run away. You had this dogged determination to see him lose, to be the one to make him yield.

That lit gasoline in his veins, setting his whole person loose in a fire of reckless combative abandon, letting his years and years of slaughter culminate into his best fight yet. He was alive.

And he still lost. The anger that crushed him that day also spurred him on to train harder, become faster, get stronger. One day, he would have a rematch with you, and win. He felt it in his bones, you were a challenge to him now. A challenge he would fight until he beat you.

The first nightmare was that Monday, a day he expected to sleep soundly. Not the case.

It was you, but it was also the adeptus Xiao, some alchemist with green hair, a redhead who he was pretty sure was Diluc Ragnvindr, and a kid- a kid- with goggles on his head. He had never seen some of these people in his life, and yet- they fought him as valiantly as you did. They gave their all to take him down, and take him down they did. It's like none of them saw him as a person, just an enemy to clear. He expected this from the adeptus and Diluc, both had a simmering hatred for him, but the kid could have been the same age as Tonia. He seemed so eager to help, even if that helping was casting a fiery circle on the ground that seemed to make his pain worse. Every time someone hit him in that circle, it stung like one hundred of the blows he just received. As you walk up to his barely conscious body, you break a piece off his weapon, a shard of his Foul Legacy. It broke something inside of him when you snapped it off, and his consciousness went dark.

That dream was not an isolated incident. Like fucking clockwork, his dreams came back to haunt him of his loss. Always you. The people that fought him changed, but you were always there, watching, waiting to pick up your spoils of war. The look in your eyes never shifted, a cold calculating gaze of confirming a job was done. He'd seen it before, of course. He wore it daily. It was... strange being on the other end of it.

The worst permutations of this nightmare involved kids no bigger than Teucer. His bones were pulled against his will as he said the same thing he always did. Why could he never change his role?

He didn't want to lay a finger on them, Tsaritsa be damned. These were fucking children. He wanted to ask you so badly what the hell was wrong with you when the four of them giggled up the steps, but his mouth couldn't open. He had to watch as the four of them crossed the invisible barrier that made him draw his swords and made him sick to his stomach.

He hopes this is quick and painless for them. He wishes them all a better afterlife in Celestia. One of them he recognizes- Qiqi, the zombie kid from the pharmacist. He doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't want to hurt any of them.

He sees Teucer in their eyes.

As the battle starts, a strange four leafed clover pattern materialized above his head, and he doesn't realize it's an attack until he hears a BOOM BOOM BAKUDAN and his ears ring as his head snaps to the ground. What the fuck?

The kids proceed to beat the shit out of him. It's the most mentally distressing nightmare so far, because he doesn't want to hit back, these are kids, but the explosions hurt and the Anemo ninja got his knee, and he can't hit them because they have a shield, so they don't even know what they're doing-

How cruel are you? How heartless and soulless did you have to be to bring kids to a battlefield? When you came over to loot his limp body once more, he hopes the anger in his eyes said everything you needed to know.

Then he awakens, and exhales as he realizes it wasn't real, he's okay, the kids are safe asleep in their beds and not forced to fight for someone else-

A memory pangs his consciousness. He was about the same age as the Anemo user when he fell into the Abyss. Forced to fight, at that age. He remembers how the monsters had screamed as they were defeated. Part of him wonders if they heard his final scream of agony.

He gets up to stagger to the bathroom and get this out of his system. When he looks up in the mirror, he bangs his fist on the side of the sink.

It's just a nightmare, he tells himself. His face pales when he sees a burn on his neck and shoulder, and he can count one, two, three, four blotches making it up. Like a clover.

He lets Ekaterina know that morning he wouldn't be out on business that day. He would be recovering from an injury. As he laid back in his bath, he thought that had to be the worst of it.

A week came and went, and he went to bed on Sunday hoping for a dreamless sleep. He was granted no such mercy.

This time, it was Zhongli. The nerve, the absolute nerve of you to bring him here, after everything that had happened. The adepti-blooded of Liyue were behind him, Xiao, Ganyu, and Yanfei- the latter he had only met on diplomatic occasion. He saw the Pyro vision on Yanfei's codex and braced himself for more burns, more searing heat in contact with his skin. The fight was torturous, and he couldn't hit any of them once because Zhongli used what was left of his godly powers to make his adepti shielded with something Childe couldn't break, no matter how hard he slashed or shocked. It was hell, and it was worse when he saw who used to be his friend walking outside the fight with you, re-casting his shield but not getting into the fight. That infuriated him. When he saw an opening, Ganyu went down. Then Yanfei, and when the adeptus correctly summarized it was his turn next, Childe broke the floor and they both plunged to the bottom, unharmed. They lunged at each other, both of their intents to kill pushing through every slice of their blade.

Xiao had one goal: Protect Liyue and Rex Lapis. Everything else was secondary. He fought with such ruthlessness Childe could feel himself bleeding out of his abdomen somewhere, vision blacking out around the edges. Xiao stepped back, and that is when Zhongli stepped forward. He crossed his arms and his eyes glowed a brilliant amber, that even in the face of death Childe was still enraptured with. He tried to open his mouth to let the words claw out of his chest, but no words came. The sky darkened, and a meteor crashed through the roof of the Golden house and crushed him whole.

The morning after that hellish dream, his entire body ached like he had been stuck under a tree the entire time he was sleeping. Everything hurt. He barely had it in himself to move his arms. He should be enraged. He should feel anger at his own helplessness, but where there is anger there is... something else.

He moves his foot and pain shoots up the nerves in his ankle. His breath shudders, because the pain freezes him in place, forcing him to pay attention to his current state. There's... a feeling there he can't quite place, something that zips by his mind before he can identify it. He moves his foot again. The pain snaps, again, and a yell rips from his throat. He feels himself on the edge of consciousness. Maybe pain made sense. Maybe this was some sort of fucked up punishment from Celestia for attempting to drown a city and steal a Gnosis.

Or maybe he had been fighting for so long the pain was a part of him now.

He turns inward on himself, confronting the darkness in his mind, seeing the Abyss stare back.

Does this pain fuel you? he asks himself.

Like nothing else was its reply.

When the next nightmare came, he was ready. You, as always, were present in the dream, your unrelenting stare was part of his subconscious now. He could live with that. He would learn how to tune it out.

What he doesn't expect is to have to face himself.

You enter the fight with eyes brightened, excited to see the two of them spar. Unstoppable force versus equal unstoppable force. The bloodlust in the eyes of your comrade is promising. He's ready to fight.

"Let's see you try and beat this." you say evenly, letting the two of them take the field.

He's hard to fight, he thinks to himself, and the eeriness of fighting a version of himself that does not recognize him and treats him as just another enemy is unsettling. He sees the combative spirit in his own gaze as he lowers his mask down to use his delusion. The other Childe doesn't use his. How strange.

They fight for what seems like hours, but only really is a few minutes. He's somehow outmatched by his other self, the one that doesn't have any recognition of who he is, and it terrifies him. How? How is this possible? How is everyone you brought to break him down so powerful? Why do you always win?

He falls against the floor and yells in agony and frustration. Damnit! he thinks. Not this time, not this time.

It's too late. The ley line blooms, and you take your rewards. He feels as if the Tusk is ripped from himself, and folds into the pain, curling up on the Golden House floor, tasting blood in his mouth.

Waking up that time was hell, and he notices a blue glow on his torso as he comes to consciousness, and he lifts his shirt to reveal a Riptide mark pulsing on his chest. His breathing quickens, how was this possible? Why were these nightmares so prevalent? How did they leave marks when he woke up?

These continue throughout the months, haunting him, hurting him, turning some part of him even more sour and shriveled.

He goes off to Inazuma to look for the Balladeer, and when in Inazuma, the two of you meet again inside the labyrinth. The hordes of monsters are nothing compared to his nightmares. If he focuses on finding the master of Shiki Taishou, he can ignore the way you kill just as much around him. He builds a friendship with Xinyan to avoid the tension between the two of you, even though nothing happened, it was a dream right? If he concentrates hard enough, everything is fine.

When the three of you exit the domain, the punk rock girl being so glad to have made two new friends, you and Childe exchange glances.

"We haven't hung out much after Liyue, huh?" he asks, masking the nightmares' effects on his psyche.

"Correct." you answer coolly.

"Thinking about that rematch, comrade?" He forces a smile on his face.

"I was thinking you could become my traveling partner." You brighten, holding something blue and pink behind your back.

"R-really?" He wasn't nervous, no, he was just... you were so powerful, and what if his nightmares came back when you two were traveling together-

"I mean it! I already travel with you anyways!" you say, tone cheery for the implications it held.

Childe freezes in his tracks. "What?" he asks, afraid of the answer.

"Come home, my darling. Come back to me, and you never have to do that again." you say, walking forward.

"I thought you said-" He gets cut off.

"I want more." A golden glint in your eyes catches him off guard as his own psyche locks down, freezing him out of his limbs, taking away his ability to scream. Just like his nightmares.

There's a piercing fear in his blue eyes before they shine golden and the shooting star burns out. He's here, with you now. All of him. As he should be.

Monoceros Caeli shines a little brighter in the sky that night.

[stateofgrace1303]

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)