#this is why i shouldn't work early in the morning bc i can't eat that early but i start to feel sick if i move around an empty stomach

[anirudhpisharody]

felt unbearably nauseous driving to work today. got there smiled and said hi to everyone on my way to the bathroom. immediately threw up. on the plus side i am no longer nauseous so i think i'm just gonna carry on with the day like nothing happened

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday November 9th

6am Woke up really well rested! Good!

Got sad when I saw I didn't have any messages overnight. CBT: This is your anxiety plugging emotions into nothing. Nothing has transpired, there's no real reason to feel anxiety, the anxiety is only coming from inside you.

Why hasn't he texted you? He's sleeping and he's a POS you don't need that controlling your energy. You can't control what he does. Reclaim your energy.

What am I thankful for this morning?

- nights rest, stretches, soft blankets, cool fan, and the fact that I have no hw due tonight! Think about that! ❤️

630am I should buy another candle for the bathroom for my showers lol don't know why the last one went so quick

7am tumblr can be a really nice positive space, it's like the only positive social media like that's kinda insane.

8am about to get ready for class, I can't stop thinking about him. I would like to try to not text him today just to see what happens really. I'm afraid he won't notice or not care and just not text me either. Maybe that's what I need. Whatever this is, is clearly not working. Got to leave early enough to get a coffee bc maybe that will distract me. Drink for lunch too, I'm tired of gorging myself and wasting money on food. Just breathe oh yeah I'm going to take a benadryl and maybe that will help with anxiety.

830am I want to text him so bad but I really shouldn't lol. He doesn't care enough to change. I won't say he doesn't care at all, but he doesn't care enough for me to keep doing this. I got an iced coffee and an egg McMuffin :)

11am Daydreaming about traveling over the break. I need to be realistic tho. I know I am able to take off on a flight somewhere but let's be real I probably won't have the time off and money to do something like that. I'll keep it in mind, but I don't want another Disney scenario where I just go completely broke on one adventure, I'd rather do day trips, maybe an overnight if that even sounds like a good idea. I like sleeping in my own bed unless it's for a really good reason tbh. I want to focus on things around here that I don't typically have availability or mental capacity to do. I know I'll have fun regardless. Maybe even do the plasma thing some afternoons or mornings really to fund the adventures I'll have on my true off days. Just thoughts :)

1130am I passed my HIV patient counseling! It says satisfactory in the gradebook! For some reason I can't see my rubric so I started to panic and doubt myself, but now I know I'm not the only one who can't see their rubric, so I'm sure that part is a fluke/ irrelevant :) just breathe and enjoy the passing grades ❤️ if something is wrong, someone will let you know ❤️

12pm lunchtime! I'm getting curry chicken. Journaling is actually helping a lot and made me realize how intrusive and repetitive my thoughts are when I don't write them down. It's like I need a little vent port for these thoughts to fly out of my brain like steam out of a boiling pot of water. Crazy tbh lol.

1pm Ate lunch outside with some friends and it felt great!!

3pm lol I zoned out during the whole Verbal Defense (not mine!) But then he texted me good afternoon so I sent him a picture of my sweet tea, nothing crazy. I won't let him control my evening. I just wonder what is his motive lol. During class I was looking up free and cheap things to do and it's funny how a little googling can come up with a thousand things to do! So much fun to be had in the world :)

4pm he got me looking at my phone for a text back bitch guess what I'm taking a nap just like I planned lmao I'm not waiting around to talk to you wtf. Call me like I asked you to if you wanna talk, I hate this texting shit and he knows that. What am I a high schooler? Texting bs got you into this mess in the first place dumbass. I'm eating a cupcake and taking a nap.

6pm I have woke up from my nap. No messages lol I guess he just wanted to see if I was alive?? Don't know don't care. Nap was ok, cats kept waking me up or micro waking me up I think but that's ok too :) - There's really only one week left of this bullshit I am so proud of myself ❤️ I actually love the idea of NOT burning myself out the last week so that when I leave school I don't necessarily NEED to do that hibernating thing where I feel like shit for 4-5 days afterwards. I'd like to exit my verbal defense maybe take a nap just like I did today to refresh and then shit take myself out for a nice dinner and get dressed up. Instead of getting drunk and passing out, I can do that most other nights after a closing shift 🤣 I want to start my vacay right away with no need to "recover" in such a drastic manner. Let's see if we can make that happen :) I think that also includes NOT avoiding fun things the next week, bc I always avoid fun stuff when I'm stressed as if I'm going to jinx myself, but I think I'm ready to break that curse of "all work and no play." We shall see ;)

9pm A little tipsy but I'm getting my work done :)

11pm I keep wanting to text him because I'm in a GOOD MOOD but when he doesn't reply it puts me in a bad mood....... So solution is simply DON'T TEXT HIM AND ENJOY YOUR GOOD MOOD QUEEN 😂 he's stupid for leaving and he's missing out on this drunken chill fest tbh and one day, I'll have a fuck ton of friends I've acquired through the years of being myself that I can randomly snap my thoughts to and they'll actually reply and care 😂

12am I know I texted him some dumb shit but idc I still feel good and I love journaling and Tumblr. Getting tacos again for dinner bc JFC I did a LOT of dumb shit work today. He's such a loser he can't do shit by himself not even get a taco 🤣 tbh one day I feel like you'll find someone who's gone through what you've gone through and you'll have so much in common and everything will just be EASY. Yeah I'm fucked but I'm not the only one going through this so I know I have an army of ppl out in the world who would have my back in a heartbeat and THAT'S what matters and what keeps me going fr.

1245am What a weird day. I want to keep journaling so bad I think it'll help me alottttt. I texted him a little but it's like it doesn't matter as much as it did previously lol. It's different now. Let's keep it up :)

[haliahxskz]

11/20/21

Today, all I do is think about you. I listen to musics but my thoughts are clouded about you. I hate you, but I hate myself more. I lied to you about lot's of things. I know you're broken, I should've heal you first. I keep on sighing, I was concern somehow, whether you're eating or doing your school works. The atmosphere in the morning without receiving your "Good morning ❤ " was so unfamiliar. I hate it, how I easily got used. Back then, I didn't receive any good mornings romantically from a guy. I mean, I should be accustomed to it by now but when you left I was really heartbroken. I did this to myself after all, I guess this is a karma. I must be the worst person, I can't blame you if you hate me tho. I deserved it. Receiving such unconditional love from you, I don't deserve it. Why? It's too good to be true, I thought.

I am selfish, really. I only think about myself. Pero the more I think about it, I guess it's good na we have to end this early para less pain. Well, it still hurts pero I guess I'll manage. I trust you, you're strong after all, you'll get over me and eventually find someone who's better than me. It'll hurt me bcs I really like you. Pero knowing na you'll be in a good hands soon, it makes me think na it might be worth it.

We had a brief talk today, I asked how your day went. It broke my heart... I can feel na you're not okay. And I know na the reason why you're not okay is bcs of me. I'm sorry...

"Will you hate me, love?"

"No, I'll always love you"

I cried. How am I supposed to let go of you this easily? When you called me "Raf" it really hits different. I'm not used to it, jud. I want you to call me "love" pero it would be so selfish of me. Why am I crying? I hate you, for making me feel things na I shouldn't feel in the first place.

I was really sorry, I told you na I won't leave your side. Pero I did. I was really guilty... Fuck. I didn't think na I would cry over a guy.

It's funny, I can actually relate to the lyrics na " The more I love, the more it hurts " Siguro... I really did love you. It fucking hurts after all.

I pushed you now, and now that you're so far away na. I actually regret it. I miss you.

You're the perfect of guy I could think of. I don't have someone, Rich. It was me, I'm the problem. I was really hoping na you'll wait. bcs you said that. I was really hoping... Pero I would still be happy if you have someone in your heart now. She's so lucky. I hope you'll do good in the future. I don't think I'll be able to love and open up to someone like how I did to you. I love you.

Love,

Raf. Jean