#this is very similar to how i felt when evan buckley kissed a man

[whim-prone-pirate]

i deserved this i really really really really really really really really did

[libraryofloveletters]

pools of honey and ocean blue

Eddie Diaz x Evan Buckley 

Warnings: mentions of loss of spouse, love confessions, lil awkwardness, alcohol and the consumption of. 

Category: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 2.7k

Author’s note: I'll throw hands if any of you anything bad about Ana, she’s cool but I just wrote this, this way // @suburban--gothic this ones for you since I got you hooked <3

----- 

“I love you.” 

The sudden unprompted confession of love had caught everyone off guard. He sat across from him at the dinner table, the entire team now exchanging glances between Buck and Eddie.

The tension between Buck and Eddie was thick enough to cut with a knife, weighing heavy on their shoulders. His brown eyes staring straight into his blue ones. 

If looks could kill. 

Ana sat smiling beside Eddie, her brown eyes gleaming with hope, happiness, everything Eddie had been searching for these last few months. 

There were a couple issues at hand right now. 

Ana had just confessed her love for him, in front of the entire team. 

He hadn't heard those 3 words from anyone other than Christoper and his Abuela since Shannon. 

Eddie did care about her but she wasn't the one he was in love with. 

----

The day Eddie joined the 118, he felt like he belonged. Like he had finally found his place in the world and soon came to realize that everyone else there felt the same way, especially Buck- the golden boy. 

The same golden boy that had worked his way into his heart and into his life. 

Their first 24 hours together were absolute hell- they were in a constant state of competition, measuring god knows what but by the end of it, everyone could see that they were meant to be together, everyone but them of course. 

Months go by, Buck and Eddie are practically raising Christopher together with the help of Carla, Eddie’s abuela and his aunt. Eddie reaches out to Shannon to get Christoper into the new school he was looking into.

Buck would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel a hint of jealousy, especially when they took Christopher to see Santa and Eddie just casually mentioned that he slept with Shannon. 

Buck didn’t hold it against him, he gave him an answer and moved on. 

He didn’t really get a chance to get to know Shannon but from the little that he did know, he knew that she made them happy- both Eddie and Christoper and that’s all Buck could hope for because no matter how much he loved Eddie, he couldn’t bring himself to tell him, not while he was happy and still very much in love with her.

No matter how involved he was in Christoper’s life, he knew that he would never be her. 

Shannon was and will always be the mother of his child, the woman he loved until her last dying breath. 

He could never amount to what she was, even if she hadn't been around. 

Buck watched as Eddie grieves and lashed out at the world, he watched as Eddie’s recently found happiness fizzled out. Buck couldn't force Eddie to talk to him, he couldn't ask him what was going on until he did. 

A Saturday night being spent at the Diaz residence, the little one now tucked into bed when Eddie returned to the kitchen, Buck handing his friend a beer. The two men drank in silence until Buck asked him the question he was dreading to hear. 

“How are you?” 

“Fine.” 

The one word answer was the only thing he could manage to say without breaking down. Eddie held himself together, Christoper was relying on him and he knew that, if he wasn’t going to be strong for himself than he had to be for Chris. 

Buck knew him better than he thought, him being fine after what happened was 110% utter bullshit and everyone including Eddie knew that. 

“Just fine?” Buck pried, Eddie wanted to tell him everything- to break down and finally let it off his chest but he didn’t. Instead he nodded and repeated his answer, “fine.” 

The rest of the night was spent on the couch, the empty beer bottles scattered across the table along with a half eaten, disregarded bowl of chips. Eddie sighed as Buck scrolled through Netflix looking for something to watch. 

“She thought she was pregnant” Eddie mumbled, barely above a whisper. Buck almost missed what he said. 

He looked over at the brunette, his heart hurting for his friend. “Was she?” he whispers back an answer, afraid that if he said it louder that Eddie might break. 

Eddie shook his head, his shoulders hung as he leant forward. He was ready to talk but he couldn’t physically bring himself to look at him and say it. “The day she told me, I was ready to try again. The thought of having another child made me.. I don't know, I felt like things were starting to finally fall into place, you know?” 

A heavy sigh left his lips, Buck’s heart broke a million times over for Eddie- if he felt that way just hearing it, he couldn't imagine how Eddie felt. 

“I invited her out for dinner, to tell her that I wanted to try again but she said she wanted a divorce, and that she wasn't pregnant. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, how did we go from almost becoming a family to being strangers again?” Eddie leant back, sinking into the couch cushions. Buck’s brows furrowed, a slight pout on his lips, Eddie’s stomach turned. 

“Don’t.” he warns him, getting up off the couch. Eddie stood in front of Buck, his arms folded. Eddie’s expression was similar to that of his friend’s - furrowed brows but a scowl present rather than a pout. 

Buck watched his friend, the way his little forehead lines popped up whenever his brows furrowed. Eddie looked older, his youthfulness disappearing as the months passed by- it didn’t mean that he was any different. To Buck, Eddie was the handsomest man on the planet and nothing would change that. 

“Don’t what?” Buck’s expression softened, Eddie shook his head. “Don’t give me that look- don’t pity me. I’m fine.” Eddie spat, his words coming off harsh then intended. 

“I didn’t say you weren't” Buck answers, looking up at him. Eddie walked away, leaving him on the couch. It was a few moments before he heard Eddie’s bedroom door shut. He sighed, he knew he could stay and Eddie wouldn't say anything but he felt like he should go, it wasn't right. 

A folded piece of paper was left on the kitchen table, Eddie’s name scrawled onto it. 

‘Headed home, didn’t feel right to stay. Have all the space and time you need. If you and Chris are still up for it, we can go to the zoo tomorrow, if not it’s cool or maybe Chris and I can go by ourselves, give you the day to yourself. 

Let me know. 

Buck.’ 

----

“I love you” 

The 3 words ringing in his head, he could feel the eyes burning into him- his team all looking at him and at Buck. As well as Ana, who was looking at him for an answer and Athena who had just arrived from work and was looking toward everyone for an answer. 

He knew he had to answer her, it’d be weird if he didn’t. 

“Thanks” he mumbled, his attention back on his plate. 

Maybe he should have pretended he didn’t hear her instead. 

Chimney coughed as he choked on his water, he glanced at the man sitting across from him who gave him an apologetic look. Eddie’s answer caught everyone off guard- Hen’s brows raised, Bobby and Athena’s shifty glanced towards each other and to Buck, and Buck himself, the man whose ocean blue eyes were staring right back at his honey brown ones. 

Ana cleared her throat, Eddie looked at her. Her brows furrowed slightly but Eddie didn’t say anything. Ana knew what this meant- truthfully, she hadn't meant to say that but it just sort of slipped out. The relationship was still new and she didn’t want to scare him off. 

She also knew that Eddie wasn't in love with her, rather he was in love with the blonde man at the end of the table, the same man that was staring at her boyfriend. 

“Bobby,” Ana speaks up, “Thank you for having me but I'll be going now.” 

“Are you sure you can't stay for dessert ? I have brownies in the oven” he asks her with a smile on his face. 

“Thank you, but I can’t. I’ve got some paperwork that needs to be to the board by tomorrow. Maybe another time” she smiles at him and he nods. 

“Well thanks for joining us, it was nice to meet you.” 

Everyone watches as Ana gets up from the table, her hand placing on Eddie’s shoulder, letting him know that she’s leaving. “I’ll walk you out” he also gets up, his hand on her lower back as they make their way to the stairs. 

As soon as they reach the parking lot, she turns to him. “I’m sorry” they both say to each other at the same time. 

“What are you sorry for?” he asks her. If anyone was in the wrong, it was him. 

“For blurting out that I loved you in front of your entire team- especially when I know I'm not the one you’re in love with” a small smile on her lips, her hand patting his chest. 

“Ana-” Eddie was shocked, she knew? Of course she knew. She worked with children, children lie all the time, the fact that he thought she didn’t was stupid. 

“No, I know.” Ana sighs but smiles. “I never meant to hurt you” Eddie tells her, she can hear the sincerity in his voice. 

“I know that too- you can't help who you fall in love with, Edmundo. If it’s him, tell him.” She looks up at the man in front of her, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Her hand still against his chest, his hand now on top of her. 

She steps away, Eddie’s hand holding her back from moving further. He was looking at her like a lost puppy. 

“Him?” he questions, the one word coming off so dumbfounded. 

Ana chuckled at his obliviousness. “Buck- Everyone can see the way the two of you look at each other, everyone except you apparently” she chuckles once more. Eddie loosens his hold on her hand, she's now by her car with the door open. 

“Text me sometime, just cause this didn’t work doesn't mean we can't be friends” she flashes him a smile before getting in the car. Eddie watches as Ana pulls out of the parking lot, he even waves to her but her words catch him off guard. 

He stood in the middle of the parking lot, staring off into space. The sound of the alarm going off snapped him out of his empty thoughts. He ran back in, Buck coming down the stairs just as he re-enters the building. 

“You okay man ?” Buck stops at the bottom of the stairs, Eddie nods. “Yeah, I'm okay” he tells him, Buck pats his shoulder and runs off to get his gear. Eddie pauses for a moment before following Buck. 

---- 

7am. 

Shift doesn’t start until 9 but he couldn’t sleep.

Eddie paces through his house until he hears the knock on the door. He pulls the door open, partially hoping it’s Buck but is met with Carla instead. 

“Morning sugar” she steps in, Eddie hums and goes back to pacing. 

She shuts the door quietly, stepping past him and heads to the kitchen to make herself come coffee. 

“Is little man still sleeping?” she calls out to Eddie who’s now pacing by the entryway of the kitchen, he hums again. 

She had only been there for a few minutes but she already knows something’s on his mind. 

“Alright soldier, sit. Let’s talk” she takes a seat at the table, Eddie keeps pacing. Her look catches his glance, a pointed look with a brow raised- Eddie sits across from her. 

“What’s on your mind ?” she gets back up when the kettle goes off, making a cup of coffee for herself and a cup of tea for Eddie. Eddie sighs, his head resting flat on the table, “love sucks” he groans when he lifts his head back up. 

She laughs softly, “trouble with your girl ?” “not exactly” he looks up at her. She sits down again, waiting for Eddie to explain what he meant by that. “Ana let it slip that she loves me when we were at dinner with the team, I said thanks” he groaned once more. 

Carla bit the inside of her cheek, resisting the urge to laugh, “you said thanks ?” she asks, coughing to stifle a laugh. 

“I apologized to her and she said that I should tell him that I love him and not her” 

“Buck ?” she sips her coffee, Eddie was once again, shocked. 

“You know?” 

“Honey, I've known from the day I met you.” Eddie hums, seems that everyone realized but him. “She’s right though- you should tell him before it's too late. Life’s short Eddie.” 

Eddie sprung up from his seat, he rounded the table and cupped Carla’s face. “You’re right, you’re so right” he kisses her forehead before grabbing his keys, “I’ll be back in time for school!” he shouts on his face out the door. Carla laughed, the poor man was now realizing that he was in love after 4 years - better late than sorry. 

--- 

The door opens, Buck’s hair dishevelled and a pair of sweatpants hung on his waist. “Eddie ?” Buck blinks back the tiredness, it was clear that he only just woken up. 

“I love you” Eddie blurts out before he loses the courage to tell him. 

“Ed- What ?” Buck looked at his friend like he was a crazy person- although he had been waiting to hear those words, he was confused as to what brought on the sudden confession. 

Eddie pushed past Buck, stepping into the apartment. He paced for a moment  before turning to Buck, who was now leant against the closed door. 

“I love you and before you say anything, I know this is crazy” Eddie says, Buck hums, listening to him. 

“I’ve been in love with you for the last- god I don't even know. I’ve recently realized that the reason you’re always around is because I love you and so does Christopher but I just- everyone seems to see how in love we are and life is too short to not tell those you love that you love them. So here I am,” Eddie glances at the clock, “7:47 in the morning to tell you that I love you.” he sighs. It feels like a weight had been lifted off his chest. 

Buck studied the man in front of him, the same dishevelled hair from sleep, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, not exactly a typical ‘going out Eddie Diaz’ outfit. 

Buck smiled, stepping towards Eddie. “Did you roll out of bed and have that epiphany?” 

“um, not exactly. I was in the kitchen with Carla” he admits, Buck hums. “Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting to hear those words ?” he’s now in front of Eddie. 

“No, but I’m glad I said them” Eddie smiles, Buck’s hands cupping his face and his forehead rests against his. 

“Tell me again” Buck says, barely above a whisper. 

“I have the rest of my life to tell you” 

“You’re the one that said life is short” he smiles, Eddie rolls his eyes playfully. 

“I love you Buck” 

“And I love you Eddie. 

---- 

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