#this is up there in funniest ways you can mess up while speaking

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

me: well, te wiki o te reo maori is next week so that's probably why

my mum, talking entirely too fast: ohhhhh!! Te wiki o te raro- [pauses]

me:

my mum:

me: no...that's a whole other week I th-

my mum: stop.

[charmercharm3r]

whatshisname

BC, SCB

Masterlist

wc: 3.7k

Requested

Synopsis: A night out leads you to make some uncharacteristic choices that somehow end with you into their bed.

warnings: smut, explicit sexual content, binchanXreader, porn w no plot, threesome, eiffel-towering lol, protected sex, implied chanXchangbin, mentions of alcohol consumption, good cop\bad cop situ lol, cum play, lil bit of ass slapping, oral (m&f), cum eating, slight dumbification

If you were to tell any of your friends about how you ended up in the bed of the two hottest guys you’d ever seen, they’d laugh in your face and call you a liar. Hell, you can’t even believe it. Things like this don’t happen to you, let alone with two men. You can’t even recall where it all happened, one second you were talking to one of them and introduced you to his buddy, the next you were in their car on the way back to their place. 

It was so out of character for you to even consider talking to them in the first place. The one with dimples approached you first, Chris? Chan? You don’t really remember, just that he had the sweetest smile and voice like honey. He was the one that drove, his right hand slowly creeping up your thigh the entire ride. His friend, a name similar but you could only recall the other calling him Bin, had a kick ass playlist, you had to admit, sultry songs that were equally energizing and made you even more excited for what was to come. Or better yet– who.

You’d decided to call the first man Chris, it feels like a common enough name you couldn’t be wrong. As soon as Chris had put the car in park, the shorter man was already outside your door and opening it, holding a hand out for you to take. You can’t even remember what button they’d pushed to reach their floor, the elevator ride up was filled with tentative touches, one behind you and one in front, distracting you with their hands on your hips and lips peppering light kisses to either side of your neck. The funniest part, you weren’t even drunk. Tipsy, sure, but with enough consciousness to know that you wanted this more than anything.

The lights back at the bar were too dim to have noticed just how muscular they both were. The reflective metal of the elevator gave you optimal view of Chris’ wide shoulders and Bin’s swole arms wrapped around your torso. That sight alone made your mouth water, and next thing you knew, you were being led through a hallway much nicer than you’d expected and into what you assumed was their apartment, body being tossed onto a bed and smothered in kisses.

Honestly, it was a lot more romantic than you were expecting. Not that they weren’t eager to get you naked, but they were taking their time. You couldn’t tell who was kissing you now, just that their lips were incredibly gentle and unrushed. He wasn’t on top of you but instead on his knees next to your side and cupping your cheeks in his hands while you felt the bed dip under the weight of the other.

“Can I take these off?” One of them asked, playing with the hem of your skirt. You tried to respond, but could only moan into the mouth of the man kissing you. “Give her a chance to answer, Changbin. We have all night.” Chris was the one messing with your clothes, playfully moving them around to make your attention scatter.

Changbin was his full name? You didn’t have time to question nor answer before he was speaking for you, “but I like kissing her, such nice lips. She wants them off, don’t you, baby?”

What had come over you? Nodding mindlessly as you let him hike your blouse over your head and Chris tug the skirt down to leave you in nothing but undergarments. Maybe it was the compliments Changbin whispered in your ear, or perhaps how tender Chris was caressing every inch of your exposed skin, but you didn’t feel the need to think with them, not a care in the world other than wanting to please them.

Changbin was on you in the next second and was laying kind, wet smooches up and down your neck, it made you shiver and Chris chuckle at the gooseflesh rising along your skin. “Sensitive, aren’t you?” the dimpled one smiled up at you from your lower half, teething at the elastic of your panties. Another rapid, mindless nod, he grinded his hips into the bed as your hips kicked up, arousal probably soaking the fabric.

“What about these?” Changbin snapped the strap of your bra, “these off next?” You were growing impatient, moving to take it off without answering him and earning an amused laugh from both.

“Mind if I?” Chris was spreading your legs and climbing to lay between them on his stomach, clearly grinding his crotch into the mattress. You went to take off the panties as well, but his large hands stopped you, “keep them on for now.” Following his instructions, you watched Chris get comfortable and continue to tease himself through the fabric of his jeans. He took in a deep inhale with his nose pressed to the gusset of your underwear before exhaling just as large with a strangled groan, “fuck. So sweet.”

He took a hard lick at you through the panties, you shivered even more as the tip of his tongue circled your clit. His fat tongue sent warmth shooting up your spine, comforting and blissful at the same time. So much so that your eyes rolled back and you relaxed into the sheets. But before you could completely unwind, Changbin’s lips suctioned to your breast, biting the skin around your nipple before nibbling at the nub softly. The pricks of pain from his teeth was soothed over when the warm muscle of his tongue would lick over it.

The combination of it all was unbearably wonderful, you had no idea what to do with yourself. Your hands moved on their own, burying one into Changbin’s hair and the other into Chris’ to push him deeper into your cunt. You suppose you were moving too much for Changbin’s liking, his big arms slithered around your rib cage to hold your tighter to his face, while Chris moved with your writhing hips. He’d hooked his arms under your thighs and began to moan into your core, vibrations making you helplessly fall further victim to the feeling. Quickly you were becoming undone, opening your eyes for a split second to see the purple bruises littering your chest and breasts as Changbin played with your nipples and Chris already looking up at you through his lashes, suffocating himself in your pussy.

Just as you made eye contact with Chris, he showed off his skills by flattening his tongue against your bundle of nerves and swiping back and forth, hard. The look on his face was almost the same as yours, enjoying himself as though he was the one getting head. Then, he suckled on your clit through your saliva and arousal soaked underwear, making your back arch. The sudden urge to feel something on your lips had you tugging Changbin by the back of his hair from your chest, immediately locking your lips together for a messy, spit covered kiss. His doll-like lips fit perfectly against yours, that coupled with Chris’s plump ones cupping your clit and sucking you in like a vacuum made you see stars, already coming. You moaned into Changbin, hardly muffled and echoing throughout the room.

The only reason Chris had pulled away was because you tapped his shoulder, looking up at you with the lower half of his face covered in slick and a goofy smile on his lips. As you let your body sink into the bed, Chris moved to sit on his knees while Changbin continued to kiss wherever he could, wherever he wanted.

You let your eyes close again and succumb to the warmth that washed over you in post-orgasm glow, though the sound of clothes hitting the floor and belts being undone had you wanting to press your legs together all over again.

“Not tired, are you baby?” Changbin said softly into your ear, brushing your hair from your face.

“Of course she isn’t. She can’t be when we’re the ones who have been doing all the work, right pretty girl?” Chris’ voice was deeper now, teetering on the edge of intimidating as you peaked an eye open to see him now towering over you, shirt discarded and the belt and button of his pants undone. Though, his cock, still covered by his boxers, was hanging over the zipper, heavy and thick through the shadowed outline and so mouthwatering.

Your lack of a response made Changbin grip you by the cheeks, puckering your lips, “better answer him. He doesn’t like silence.”

The nod you gave clearly did not’ suffice, as his handle on your face was accompanied by a harsh tug to your hair, “yes! Not tired.”

Chris leaned over to be less than a centimeter from your face, “good girl.” He pecked your puckered lips and stepped off the bed, ridding the rest of his clothes.

Dazed, you watched as he undressed and Changbin followed. If you thought that they were handsome while clothed, in their nakedness the two men were straight up menacing. Changbin stood a bit on the meatier side, in more places than one as his build looked to be thicker with muscle. Though, that didn’t mean Chris wasn’t built, by no means was he skinny if his incredibly defined abs were anything to go by, traps of his shoulders looking nice enough to nibble on. As you ogled them from your spread out position on the bed, they gave each other a knowing glance, then turned their attention back to you.

“Who d’ya want to stretch you out first, pretty?” Chris asked, crossing his arms over his chest. You took your time to look both of them up and down, eyes lingering on Changbin’s thick thighs and girthy cock hanging massive. “Go on then,” the dimpled man patted his friend on the back, nudging him towards you.

As Changbin climbed up the bed to make his way towards you, Chris mumbled, “I do all the work and still get picked last. You’re gonna make it up to me, pretty.”

“Promise,” you said back to him before Changbin covered your entire view.

Changbin manhandled your panties off, but not without bringing them to his nose to sniff, “you’re right, Channie hyung. She is sweet,” and he tossed them to the side.

“I thought your name was Chris,” you looked over Changbin’s shoulder at the now established older of the two. He was amused, corner of his lip curling as his hand slowly stroked his long dick.

“It is. But we’ll see if you remember your own name by the end of the night.”

“Hey now, it’s my turn,” the younger tipped your chin gently back in his direction. You leaned up to kiss him, which was appreciated by him with an adorning hum. Hands guided one leg around his torso as Changbin readjusted to straddle your other. “Focus on me,” he said against your lips, and it was hard not to when he held you so nicely.

Chris– Chan?– tossed him a condom, which Changbin somehow skillfully opened and wrapped around his dick with ease and without pulling too far away from you. He seemed to like the closeness and the feeling of skin on skin, which only made you want to feel him more.

Your leg around his waist pulled him in, making him topple over you. Changbin giggled and kissed you once more before slicking his fingers through your folds, using the wetness to spread around his cock. He was even bigger when so close to your entrance, it was slightly nerve racking.

“Relax, baby. I’ll take good care of you,” he said, tip prodding at your slit.

“Get on with it,” Chris called from the side of the bed. Your spine shivered at the domineering tone of his voice. 

“What happened to having all night?” You called back, keeping your eyes on the man above you.

“I wouldn’t get smart before I’ve had my turn with you, pretty.”

Changbin slowly pressed his cock in, not breaking the surface just yet. “I’d listen to him if I were you. Because I have been. Appreciate the kindness while the nice one is still on top of you.”

He pushed in further, slowly sliding into your cunt as your arousal slicked your walls even more. Changbin hiked your leg higher to hold under his arm, pressed tight to his ribs as he bottomed out with little to no effort. His free hand not holding up his weight gripped onto your love handles, squeezing as he got used to the rhythmic pulsating of your walls. It took everything within him not to move at the pace he wanted from the getgo, but the little resolve Changbin had crumbled when you rutted your hips up into him, making him slide that much deeper. “More,” you whined, heel digging into his back in hopes it’d make him move.

Changbin caved at your plea and pulled out just to shallowly thrust back into you. The sheer size of him was already making your head spin, and he’d barely done anything. Your head dug back into the pillows, nails clawing at his forearms as his speed picked up and the slapping of skin filled the room. Just as you were building another high, the bed beside you dipped and the heat of another body warmed you. Chris kneeled above your head, cock in hand and leaking with precum. He didn’t need to say anything as he rolled a condom onto himself, your mouth was dropping and tongue hanging out to take him as well.

Changbin sat back and moved your leg higher to drape over his shoulder as Chris climbed to sit on your chest. He let go of his dick to free handedly aim for your mouth, and immediately sighed when your warmth engulfed him. Unlike Changbin’s soft, steady rhythm, Chris was rough, almost animalistic as soon as you’d taken him. He didn’t let you get used to the feeling of him on your tongue and forced himself deeper into your throat, gripping the headboard and using your mouth like his personal fleshlight.

You felt dizzy from lack of oxygen, lack of feeling anything except the pleasure building in your gut, lack of thought from an empty brain. All your morals and values left you as soon as you agreed to go home with them, and they weren’t coming back anytime soon. The amount of stimulation to every part of your body was overwhelming, unable to stop yourself from whimpering as Changbin’s hips became unrelenting in their stride, hitting your sweet spot every time and Chris’s uncaring nature that was painfully arousing.

The effort it took to even mumble the words, “gonna cum,” took more energy than you had to spare. You were only able to catch your breath because Chris finally pulled out to let you gain back some oxygen. Even then, he stole it away as he gripped your jaw open, “hold it,” he commanded before gathering saliva in his mouth to spit into yours. The icky feeling made you shudder, feeling like you should be grossed out, perhaps even turned off, but you were nowhere near it.

Chris turned his head slightly to look back at Changbin, “getting along back there?” The way he spoke about you like you weren’t there made your gut twist even more. Changbin’s thumb swiped at your clit unexpectedly and you clenched around him, a strained groan leaving him, “never fucking better. Wait till you feel how tight she is, hyung. God, I never wanna pull out.”

“Better wrap it up soon, Bin. Wanna cum in that pretty cunt but her mouth is real close to doing me in.”

Chris dipped into your mouth again just as Changbin’s thrusts turned shallow again, messy as he got closer to his high. His thumb rubbing circles into your bundle of nerves made your muscles tense up, trying your best to follow orders. But in your body clenching, so did your walls and apparently convulsing strong enough to milk Changbin to his inevitable orgasm, finishing in a blaze of glory into the condom without stopping his rutting. Quick, staccato’d claps of his skin on yours finished with a loud groan, shoving him deeply into you two more times before pulling out completely.

The burning in your gut diminished as the emptiness overtook you, feeling cold without Changbin’s heat. Chris pulled from your mouth just after, climbing off your chest immediately. He looked back at the younger, whose face was entirely too lax compared to you and Chris, you were jealous. The high forced to fizzle out made your body ache and twitch as neither of them touched you, just watching.

Tears threatened to fall as Chris smiled down at you fondly, “didn’t cum, did you?” He asked as if he couldn’t already tell. You shook your head, no. Chris just tilted his head and raised his eyebrows as you recalled previous instructions.

“N– no,” you choked back a sob as a grin broke across his face.

Chris climbed between your legs and massaged your thighs, “good girl.” The praise made you whimper again. “My turn, pretty.”

As quickly as his soft touch came, it went, Chris suddenly flipping you onto your belly and arching your ass into the air. His big hands spread your cheeks wide and tongue licked another fat stripe up your center, making you shiver in his hold. “Please,” you whined, reaching back to take his hand in yours.

“Look at you, asking so nicely,” Chris said, kneeling tall against your backside and swiping the head of his condom clad cock through your folds. Your wetness resounded through the room, turning to the side to see Changbin at your side and dick at full mass again. He peered down at you, cupping your cheek and sitting on his knees in front of you, pushing your hair from your sweaty face.

Before you could ask for a kiss– knowing Changbin would give it you– Chris was pushing his cock into you, not waiting for you to adjust to the large size difference. While Changbin was thick, Chris hung long, prodding at your cervix with no effort. He gripped at the fatty flesh of your ass in his palms, using it to guide you back and forth moderately paced.

You bit your lip to conceal more moans, watching as Changbin carefully took off the full condom and held it upright to keep from spilling. His hard cock was covered with his own cum, dripping down his balls. He caught you watching too intensely, “I think she’s got a thing for cum, hyung.” Changbin put you on blast for Chris, the neighbors, or anyone out on the street to hear that you wished he’d cum in your mouth. “Want a taste?”

Eyes big and round, you nodded hesitantly.

Chris continued to work himself up slowly, enjoying the show in front of him. He smirked to himself as Changbin conscientiously leaned back on his hunches and tipped the condom over, letting a bit of his cum spill onto his already soiled dick. Your mouth salivated as you leaned forward to catch the bit that dripped down the underside, tip of your tongue licking it up. Changbin watched you in awe, jaw dropped. In awe, Changbin kept his eyes on you as he spoke to the older, “treat her nicely, hyung. Look at what a good girl she is. She just wants to please us, don’t you, baby?”

Tongue sticking out as you kitten licked him, you nodded and hummed in affirmation.

“Is that right? What do you think, pretty? Do you deserve it?”

You wanted to speak, you truly did, but the infatuation with Changbin’s fat cock and his warm cum was rendering you speechless, only humming again. Chris’ hand came up just to send a harsh slap against your ass, jolting you forward. “Yes! I deserve it!”

“There ya go,” Chris sped up, his hold on your skin growing harsher as his nails dug into it to keep from slipping, but you didn’t mind. In fact, you liked the bit of pain, stomach already growing warm as the knot began to tighten.

Salty taste of Changbin on your tongue, a few loud slaps against your ass cheeks every few thrusts, and Chris mercilessly using your cunt like a toy, you were teetering on the brink in no time once again, already overstimulated from everything that came before. You were still in awe of how quickly Chris switched up on you, one second stopping at nothing to make you cum and the next, not letting you so much as think about the euphoria. Changbin’s constant attention was grounding and so wonderful, you felt tag teamed, like they meant to break you. Lucky for them, they did. Not a thought in your head other than to cum, you were begging for it with Changbin’s cock stuffing your mouth, barely even sucking because nothing could’ve taken your focus away from the knot getting closer to snapping.

Chris could feel you convulsing to no end and in time with his thrusts, feeling as though he wasn’t even pulling out. His head fell back as he pounded into you, Changbin getting off on your warm mouth and his friend and you lost in the pleasure.

He couldn’t believe it as he found himself murmuring, “ah, shit– fuck– gonna cum. Go ahead, pretty. Lemme feel you.”

Under his command, you cried out loudly and let yourself succumb to the white bliss. You don’t know how long you came, just that it went on for so long that you might’ve passed out if the two men weren’t holding you up.

When Chris pulled out, they worked together to lay you on your back, mouth covered in cum and body drenched in sweat. To say you were tired would’ve been an understatement. Exhausted but so, so satisfied. You laughed softly to yourself and smiled at the ceiling.

“Tired, baby?” Changbin kneeled beside the bed, pushing your matted hair from your face and grinning at you sweetly.

 Behind him, Chris tied off the condom and tossed it in the trash, stretching his arms across his chest and smirking deviously. “Better not be. Wouldn’t be fair if we only got to cum once, would it?”

-

tags: @sensitiveandhungry @babebatterer @aliferousminhoinho @changbinluvr @epiphanynaffit @fawnpeaks @linovely @dumplinbokkieracha @finnydrawss @naturuless @djeniryuuu @hamburgers101 @skzhomiehopper @yesv01 @hyunjinsamdl @angelica-erin-caelius @dazzlingligth @lvrminn @alexis-reads-fics @linaliskz @0002linoskitten @chillichillicrabcrab23 @mercurezed @zerefdragn33l @crissicat13 @binnies-donuts @soldierstantgirl-blog @bakedlilgoonieie @levanterlilyy

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

hello! i’m love your post and arts so much! I look at your posts after a hard day and my mood immediately changes to excellent. can I ask a couple of questions?

which pairing with Ethan do you prefer?

and… can we get to know you better? a little biography?

Thank you for your time! I'll be waiting for new arts! (sorry if i made mistakes, my english is not so good. im russian)

i like basically every ship with ethan! it mostly depends on the mood im in, but if im being honest, mithan, winterfield, and wintersberg gets frustrating to think about because they all dont treat ethan well canonically... lethan is fun because they have never met and i can make my own assumptions!

i used to like wintersberg the most and i still do like it, i just have expanded my horizons to other ships as well...., its mostly like a punchline to me though. they have the funniest potential which is why a majority of their posts is just joke comics. i do not like how people try to erase how karl is arrogant and egotistical tho. thats like removing the flavor.... the way karl acts is just very funny to me, hes so lame in a good way and i like how everytime he talks to ethan it sounds like hes twirling his hair and kicking his feet. canonically speaking, karl was very much in the wrong for trying to use rose and not elaborating and i will die on this hill. ethan is not in the wrong for being disgusted and angry that karl would ever try and propose that in the deal. karl is very arrogant so when ethan says no to him it makes him mad and he tries to use fear to get ethan to take his deal (kicking his chair and warning him) i like karl, i like how messed up and arrogant he is but i dislike how people try to portray him as a nice guy. however, in a AU where everythings the same except he doesnt try to use rose i do enjoy the dynamic they could have, especially if the teamed up (not with the deal where they use rose. ethan wouldnt agree unless karl never involved rose in the first place). karl is just a very entertaining character and i like him a lot, hes funny and his personality can be extremely hilarious

mia and ethan is pretty tragic and thinking about it too much makes me a bit sad, imo in a reality where ethan survives re8, he needs to divorce mia. im not saying ethan needs to hate mia and never talk to her again i just dont think they should be so intimate together because of her behavior... please do not take this as anti mia. they loved each other dearly but it wasnt healthy. their relationship was kept afloat by lies and mia doesnt change even though she deals with the consequences of her own actions in re7. she actively tries to hide her past from ethan and is mostly focused on trying to move on and have a normal life even if ethan will have to live the rest of his life in the dark.

she loves her family so much, shes very afraid of them leaving her so she hides all the bad things in the hopes that they wont leave. its selfish, its human, its real, her character is so amazing and i love her. she doesnt learn from re7 and hides important information from ethan again. i geniunly think they should have gotten divorced after re8 if ethan had survived. its tragic and its sad but they love each other so much. it sad because they both geniunly love rose so much but they themselves shouldnt be together. its just sad to think about it. whenever i draw them it usually takes place before re7. they should have divorced on good terms and shared custody of rose.........

ethan and chris is also frustrating to think about... chris is a major jerk in re8, whenever i draw it, its under a unspoken AU that chris did not behave the way he did in re8. his weird behavior in re8 is probably for a meta reason imo. capcom wanted to set up a twist villian so they make chris very vague and unesscarily cruel. while its frustrating that they turned chris into a jerk for the sake of a twist, it still happens in canon and i will forever roll my eyes whenever i see him on screen. he did what he thought was best but imo, execution matters more than the intentions. same applies to mia. they both did things that hurt ethan because they thought it would be the best but in the end they just hurt ethan.

all the ships ive discussed with people ethan has met canonically just makes it look like i dont even like the ships... LOL ... ethan just has horrible luck with the people he meets i guess... but i do enjoy the ships and drawing them, but again all of them come with the canon baggage that ends up making me sad because everyone treats ethan poorly whether they had good intentions or not

which is why leon and ethan is the most fun to draw without getting stressed... LOL... they have never met but just drawing what i think their dynamic would be like is very fun.

please dont take this post personally, this isnt a post declaring why ur fave ship sucks, this is just my own personal preferences and in the end i draw all of them anyways

if i had to rank the ships based on drawing silly comics it would be

wintersberg

mithan

lethan

winterfield

wintersberg has the funniest potential just because of karl and mithan can be funny if u water it down to "i love my wife so much" and said wife comes home with suspicious amounts of hard cash

i enjoy making joke comics far to much

if i were to rank the ships based on how healthy they would actually be for ethan it would be

lethan

winterfield, mithan, wintersberg (no particular order)

sorry 😭

leon and ethan have literally never met but imo it would still be the healthiest because ethan gets to start new

the three other ships r all unhealthy in some way, at least canonically without changing much about the characters (i do like winterfield but just because of how chris behaved in re8 it knocked them down)

i cant even rank them on personal preference because my opinion changes so often 😭 it changes based on discussions i have with my friends or recent art i see that inspires me... me and my friends recently had a discussion about mia and ethans relationship which made me very frustrated and sad with mia so i defiently wouldnt be drawing them anytime soon... meanwhile i hvae been talking to a friend who really likes winterfield often so the conversations we have give me art ideas and i end up drawing it more. if a friend of mine really enjoyed wintersberg or lethan and talked to me about it often id probably start drawing it more, the joys of being a multishipper

it changes a lot based on how im feeling and if im in the mood to draw something funny or something serious

sorry u asked a really simple question and i responded with a essay

and a little bit about myself is that i go by crumb, i am 18 and i go by all pronouns and prefer it/its

im vietnamese and live in texas

i made this tumblr acc solely so i could post my ethan art and im a re7/re8 girly so if ur here waiting for me to draw the re1-re6 characters im sorry u should probably expect nothing

i also make personal animations sometimes which u can find here

thanks for the ask and sorry for the rant!

[meteor752]

I rewatched ever after high with my girlfriend after like, six years

We had…thoughts

Do you guys think fairytale people look down on those who aren’t from a fairytale? Because, Ever After High seems to be the most like prestige school, but not everyone can go to it. Is there like racism going on between fairytale people and normal people?

It’s said many times that Apple will be like, the future queen, but when we meet Snow White she’s a fucking capitalist. Also Apple being queen means kinda nothing cause half the school are royalty and will grow up to become kings and queens. That title doesn’t mean anything

We had like, ten kids from wonderland, but no Oz kids? I feel like a Dorothy child would be very obvious, like what the hell, same with the witches

The school actively encourages evil people to be evil, then become surprised when they are evil. Like, Evil Queen cursing Wonderland and almost taking over the world? That’s on you, principal

Also can we place lock up the principal in jail? He lied and manipulated his students, stole from Raven, and kept his brother cursed and locked up in the basement. Like, ???? The brother comes back and is just like “Oh I missed you so much brother” like no!!!!!! Get that man out of here!!!!!

Do the fairytale people reproduce like, asexually, or do we have a ton of inbreeding between the royals? Well, it would be the most realistic aspect of the show

Hot take: Apple is a great character. Like yeah she’s a little selfish, but when we’re shown how she was raised it’s fully understandable that she’s so obsessed with fulfilling her destiny, but she’s never rude or bitchy, not ever really to Raven. Also she gets better! Active character development! She’s one of my favorites

Why the fuck is Allister frolicking in Wonderland. Bro Alice came back, she left that place, yet everyone is just like “Yep he’s a wonderlandian”, like no! Also he’s a royal? Bro you can’t be a royal, you were actively rebelling against your story by going to wonderland early

It’s a little messed up how many of the kids are like, being forced to die. Like Ramona? She will be fucking gutted after eating her sister if she goes with her story. Like what is this school, what are these rules?

Apart from Sparrow, surprisingly, everyone of the boy designs are so fucking boring. Ew

I love the direction they took for Briar. I think they kinda realized after the first episode that shit, it’s kinda weird that this girl who’s destiny it is to sleep for 100 years to just be fine with it. Briar is also one of my faves

Speaking of the sleeping beauty story tho, do you think it’s rare for the school to have a sleeping beauty? Cause we’re shown that this school has housed like, generations of fairytale characters, but since Sleeping beauty clocks out for a hundred years, and probably only had a child after that, they must only get her like, every fourth or fifth generation. Kinda interesting actually

Daring X Cerise > Daring X Rosabella. Like idk, maybe it’s that Cerise can like, fully challenge him in his views, forcing him to become better in a way. Like, with Rosabella it feels more like an “I can fix him <3” mindset, while with Cerise it’s more “I can knock him down a peg”. I just thought they had a better dynamic, idk

Speaking of the Charming family, gf and I fucking hate Dexter’s name. Like, Daring and Darlings names match each other so well, not just that they sound alike but that they have meanings. Dexter is just a boring name

We tried to come up with name ideas, Dating was the funniest one to us, but we thought Dastardly was kinda fun.

Like, our thought process was that he was meant to be like, the classic jealous twin brother, always looking to sabotage his perfect older bro, except he wasn’t that at all. Like, a running joke would be that it would look like he was sabotaging Daring, or like being mean, but then the camera would like zoom out or smt and show that he was like, playing a video game or just doing something completely different. It would have been more fun, plus it would have given Dexter like an actual personality instead of just, inferiority complex the person

Dashing could also have been an idea for a name

Kitty should have a tail. As should her milf of a mother have. Also like, real cat ears instead of just a hat or a headband. It feels obvious

I mean Bunny has actual bunny ears, plus she can transform into a bunny, but why is the cat just like A Girl

How can Hunter belong to both the Little red ringing hood story, and Snow White. Is his dad just a mad multitasker, or does he have two dads? I like the second option honestly

The storybeat of the characters all living through each others story honestly should have been like, an entire special. It’s the most interesting thing the show did, and I wish we could have seen more, cause it lasted only like seven minutes. But that gives us more time to see that thrilling book all storyline, amiright?!

Briar’s moment was especially heart aching, and I wish we'd gotten more of it

But like, since Briar as the evil queen saw Apple poisoned instead of her mum, does that mean that Raven was talking to herself in her story

But at the same time, Blondie saw the current queen of hearts instead of Lizzie, so like what's going on

Snow White and The Evil Queen have like the vibe of high school rivals/ex girlfriends, and they did go to school together, but like Queenie is literally her step mom. Like what. If Raven were to live out her story, would that mean that she would marry Apple's dad? Whoever that is?

The more you think about the lore of this world the more it doesn't make sense, but it also becomes like incredibly dark

The Pied Piper is one of if not my favorite fairytales, but I hate how he is represented in this show. Like he kidnapped children and then drowned them, that man shouldn't be a teacher!

Also white queen is a teacher at ever after, yet her daughter is still in wonderland. Like bitch just left her there, what the hell.

I love that they didn’t make any of the princesses stuck up bitches, like Descendants did. Like, the girls are all kind, with vibrant personalities and a lot of love for the people around them. The closest thing to the “mean girl” stereotype is Duchess actually

But Duchess makes total sense! She fucking drowns at the end of her story, of course she wants another one. Why is Raven’s rebellion praised but Duchesses scorned? Also why is she a royal, girlypop is literally trying to steal other people’s happily ever after, she a rebel

There is more I can say, but this post has already been deleted twice from my drafts, and I am scared of it, so it’s better to get it out now

Also, as a final little send off, here’s my ranking of the characters, and the ships

[grigori77]

Reasons to LOVE Dungeons & Dragons: Honour Among Thieves

It's brand new in cinemas, so there are still plenty who ain't seen it, so if you're among 'em best skip this and just GO SEE IT, it's SO well worth it, genuinely it's one of the best new movies I've seen so far this year. Hope you love it as much as I did!

So, yeah, there you go - SPOILER WARNING, FOLKS!!! If you don't wanna get spoiled, RUN!!!

Still here? Okay, here we go then ...

This really is, UNAPOLOGETICALLY, a comedy. I mean yeah, this is a classic fantasy action adventure in the Willow, Krull or Ladyhawke mold, but it is also very enthusiastically POKING FUN at the classic conventions of the genre ... albeit CLEARLY done with great affection and love for the material, as only the best lampoons can be. So this is more The Princess Bride or Galaxy Quest than Your Highness or Spaceballs ...

Chris Pine is ALWAYS at his best when he's being FUNNY, so he is PERFECT here. Edgin is most definitely a bit of a douchebag, but he's the sweetest, most lovable douchebag you'll ever encounter.

Holga. Literally just EVERYTHING about Holga. She's my favourite character in this, this REALLY IS the best role that Michelle Rodriguez has EVER HAD, if you ask me. She's a total badass, a truly AMAZING FIGHTER, but I love that despite her dour demeanour she's actually quite sweet, gentle and really a great innocent in many ways. She's an absolute cinammon roll and must be protected at all costs.

OH MY GODS!!! All the easter eggs, SO MANY easter eggs ... FAR too many to count throughout, all the references and nods and winks to the game itself, all the spells and races and creatures and stuff ... but I love how the movie NEVER beats you over the head pointing any of it out, it just lets you enjoy it. So the proper fans will get a huge kick out of spotting it all, but casual viewers will just enjoy it as rich worldbuilding colour and flavour.

Seriously though, it's a D&D fan's DREAM!!! Not just the mimic, or the owlbear, or the gelatinous cube! SO MUCH to spot ...

Justice Smith's Simon gets THE CLEVEREST and best introduction in the film, I love the theatre scene, he's SO BAD at this while also simulataneously being really great. Totally sums up this gloriously clunky hot mess of a sorcerer ...

the opening is GENIUS, totally sets the movie up as it means to go on - the parole hearing is a brilliant comedic take on the scene-setting infodump which is brilliantly carried through in the way the movie delivers exposition in a fun way or just lets you absorb it through what's happening in each scene. This is the perfect, TEXTBOOK way to do it.

"That is one pudgy dragon!" LOL

Doric. Just EVERYTHING about Doric. Sophia Lillis' tiefling druid is a wonderful diminutive little action hero, so fiesty and capable. I love her. It's just a shame she's not primary coloured, I'd have loved it even more if she'd been blue, or red ...

The Wildshape Escape! XD Yeah, I love that, that's THE BEST set-piece in the whole movie, definitely, when Doric gets cught out spying and has to shapeshift on the fly to get away, and it all plays out in one immersive single shot that just leaves your heart in your mouth ...

Oh, the Speak With The Dead montage, that is comedy GOLD. Funniest scene in the whole movie. And with added payoff at the end! XD

Rege-Jean Page's Xenk Yendar. Oh boy, that paladin is something else. I love how LITERAL he is, he's like Drax in GOTG but much more intelligent. Y'know when Holga says: "You're not a lot of fun, are you?" to him? She's so wrong. I just wish there was more of him in this ...

The heist! Oh, the heist! So good ... the portal trick, it's great, love the way they did that, and then that HILARIOUS bard illusion distraction - Pine skipping the song like a broken record was just chef's kiss!

That wonderful wibbly-wobbly illusory reality thing whenever Simon tries to atune to the Helm ... wow, that is some spectacularly trippy shit. Granted, twice is fine for terms of pacing, but I could've done with a few more scenes of that, it's fascinating.

Hugh Grant really has just become a MASTER at playing smarmy, slimy duplicitous gits now, hasn't he? Forge is a reprehensible prick and I love it.

I love how they made Bradley Cooper a halfling for his cameo. They're never gonna let him live down the fact that he's now probably best known for playing a two-foot-tall talking racoon so forever after he will be a Short King.

Wow, Daisy Head's Sofina is a CRACKING villain, she's just SO CREEPY!!! I love how coolly menacing she is, a brilliant dark necromantic wizard that just makes your skin crawl. Especially at the end ... IS SHE a lich? Is that what they were doing there?

That whole big action climax, the showdown in the city centre is FIRE!!! It's so amazing, so brilliantly dynamic, with EVEN MORE great easter eggs! Simon and Sofina having an insanely awesome "arm wrestling" bout with Mage Hand versus Earthen Grasp (I think that's the spell, couldn't be sure), oh my gods! So cool ... and then the way they neutralised the threat! Brilliant.

Chloe Coleman's Kira is an absolutely adorable delight, and I think she's ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED in how pissed she is at Edgin for abandoning her. It makes the payoff when they finally make up so much better.

And that resurrection scene at the end? Yeah, sure, I saw that coming a mile off, but it was so well done, and they played it so well, that it was still SUCH a powerful scene even so. Just perfect.

Seriously, they just did this whole thing SO PERFECTLY. It's visually STUNNING, really it just looks AMAZING, and the action sequences are BRILLIANT but always feel entirely necessary for the story, which is how you want to do it. Best of all, though, is THE PACING!!! This is such a quick, breezy film, it just barrels along at a spectacular clip, so it never drags. Mark Kermode is right, even though this is two and a quarter hours long it doesn't FEEL LIKE IT, it feels like a super-trim 90-minute movie.

And it ties everything off nice and neat, too. Sure, there are definitely possibilities for the future, going forward if they make more, but if the movie DOES tank then it's fine, because this really does do a great job about feeling self-contained and telling its own complete story, so if we DON'T get more it won't be too big a disappointment ...

[sessakag]

Now all I can think about is Prey!Papa-Naruto because it would be the wildest funniest thing ever! Poor Hinata is probably trying to make sure her kids grow up to be good morally upstanding people and Naruto is just….Yeah 😬. Funnily enough this Naruto probably wouldn’t have as much of a contentious relationship with Boruto because there’s no way he’s putting work above spending time how he wants 😭. And as a Kawaki hater I’m pleased to say I don’t see this Naruto being altruistic enough to take in some random abused kid so really we’ve got my ideal version of the Uzumaki family 🫢. Anyway, I bet parent-teacher conferences and kiddy playdates and birthday parties are gonna be fun times 🤣. Speaking of bday parties happy early birthday! I hope it’ll be a fun one.

Daddy Prey!Naruto is the funniest thing ever, lol.

For sure, Naruto would spend time with his little mini-me. Who would stop him?

I feel like Boruto would be very aware that his father is a homicidal nutjob and spend his time trying to keep innocents out of harms way, but he does it in ways that are just as bad as his father, because of course, the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree, and that he has this huge blind spot to when his own inner crazy is starting to show, lol. And of course, mess with his mom or baby sister, well then, you'll have a hard time telling Naruto and Boruto apart at all🤭he'd justify his violence and the bodies in his closet because Prey!Narupapa taught him that delusion is just another way to say correct, and there's nothing wrong with customizing your own reality when it's convenient. He'd also spend so much time trying to undo Hima's worst tendencies their dad is teaching her in an effort to help his mom out, but ends up making it worse by teaching her "alternative" tendencies that are just as bad but much more slicker than his father's open bluntness, which ultimately, makes Hinata's job harder, lol. Poor lady, I can see her trying to explain the situation to her crazy husband. Hinata: I'm trying to make sure the kids have a moral compass, Naruto Naruto: The fuck they need that for?

I'll be honest, I really don't know all that much about Kawaki since I don't watch the show, but his design is very cool, and the clips I've seen of him on youtube I vibe with🤭but Naruto being altruistic and adopting a poor orphan? Not fuckin likely at all, lol. Prey!Naruto wouldn't care about any kids but his own🤷🏽‍♀️so you're all set for sure, lol.

Parent-teacher conferences would be lit af😂imagine Naruto's big buff tatted up self sitting in one of those itty bitty chairs at a table lower than his knees while the teacher tries to get him to understand that it's not a good thing that his little girl is drawing her classmates with their heads somewhere other than on their shoulders🤣he would be so insulted and have a very scary diatribe about why Hima's work is "art" not a "red flag". The teacher would resign the next day by the time he was done. Omg birthdays🙈One word: Pinata. Take that as you will, lmao!

And omg, I wanna write Prey!Naruto at a PTA meeting, lmao! And you'd think Hinata was the one that dragged him to it, but NO, he'd go on his own because he's a super paranoid bastard that needs to know what is going on in his orbit and that includes his hellspawns, and if he doesn't like what he hears he'll have to retire a few folks to ensure things are being run for the benefit of his offspring😂

Hima's not doing a kiddy playdate, study date, pretend date, any date. Over somebody else's dead body would Naruto allow his baby girl to do any sorta dating🤣hell naw, and don't @ him about it. End of discussion. Why? Because Naruto knows how guys are, and considering the things he does to Hima's mother on a regular basis, he's dead set on not letting any guy near his daughter until she's at least 80 years old, if she's lucky. Teen!Hima good luck trying to date or get a boyfriend😅especially since big brother's not gonna be too keen on the idea either, lol. And thank you for the early birthday wishes!!💕

I feel like this SOL Prey!Naruto family is set in stone to be a thing at this point, lmao. I'm certainly sold on it. I won't say whether or not I plan on Hinata getting knocked up in Prey, ya'll will have to wait and find out but I definitely think this should be a full SOL fic at this point, lol. It's just too good to pass up🤭

[cellarspider]

The Prometheus rant, Part 0/30

⛬ | (Index) | (Next)

I have promised a dissection of the movie Prometheus. It begins.

So, to summarize, and give you a taste of what we're in for. 

I am a geneticist with a background in history, including some undergraduate archaeological field work. I'm deeply interested in linguistics as a hobby. Prometheus manages to be stupid in every one of these fields.

But I absolutely love H.R. Giger aesthetic, the cinematography is beautiful, and whoever did the editing was absolutely solid because the movie consistently cuts slow scenes at moments when the cuts feel just slightly jarring. It’s a very subtle way to maintain tension.

The soundtrack holds the intended tone well, the practical effects are numerous and impressive, and even though their story completely undermines it, they got an actual academic linguist to work with them on the language stuff: the guy actually has a speaking role in the film, as a virtual tutor of a reconstructed language he taught to one of the actors.

And on top of all that, there's at least one scene in the movie which is just unbelievably tense and well-executed body horror. It’s the scene everybody mentions as a highlight when they talk about the movie. So, it's a successful movie in so many ways.

But.

The writing does not back this up. There are stretches that are fine, even elevated by some of the performances. But you can feel the movie shift any time a scene has plot relevance, or a character is supposed to do their job. 

Unlike Alien, where the main cast making dumb decisions is believable because they're a bunch of space cargo haulers and maintenance people who are not supposed to have any relevant expertise for the situation they find themselves in, Prometheus' characters are supposed to be scientists, doctors, and the best a trillionaire could buy for a mission that he expected would

make first contact between technologically modern humans and a race of aliens that had visited Earth thousands of years ago

convince said aliens to give him the secret to eternal youth, because he's an old rich asshole

so when things start going wrong, I felt less like "oh no these poor bastards don't know what the fuck they're getting into" and more like "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CONTAMINATING AN ALIEN ARCHAEOLOGICAL SITE YOU BASTARDS"

this approximately culminates in a scene where the last surviving alien on the planet is woken from two thousand years of emergency stasis, gets talked at in something very much like Proto-Indo-European by Michael Fassbender at the behest of the old rich asshole, while a woman screams in English in the background. The alien proceeds to rip Fassbender's head off and beats the old man to death with it, which is just the funniest goddamn thing

That’s the TL;DR. Yes, really.

The actual rant will start next time.  Well. Part One of the rant. This is going to be a multi-parter, because I want anyone who follows me on this journey to understand how the movie builds up into such a mess, and get some actual science out of this.

⛬ | (Index) | (Next)

[frostyhelltime]

Hi again! I would love if you could write possesive or jealous Rosie. Whichever you prefer and feel works best. Thank you in advance!

A/N: I love our prim and proper Overlord of Cannibal Town! Hope you enjoy! ❤️

Jealous/Possessive Rosie with GN!Reader

Rosie in general is very good at maintaining her composure. After all she barely even flinched when the angel's head was taken out and thrown on the table during the Overlords meeting.

It takes a lot to get her to break that composure. Normally, anyway.

But it is possible, and it's certainly much easier when it comes to you.

There are the small times it slips through, such as when someone happened to be hitting on you while waiting for her.

She'll cheerfully call your name, even using pet names such as dear or darling while she wraps her arm around yours, very clearly trying to send a message.

To anyone else if would just seem like a show of affection. But you knew Rosie enough to know this was her way of marking her territory in a way the doesn't appear to break her composure to the general public.

But you keep that secret of hers.

One of many reasons she loves you.

Now if someone has the audacity to hit on you even after you said no, or worse, in her territory....that composure breaks just a little more obviously to the naked eye.

"Oh darlin' you're gonna have to try this newest batch of lady fingers! I think I really outdid myself this time!" Rosie's voice is all cheer and smiles as she brings out the newest thing she's made.

You of course, trust her cooking implicitly and graciously take one before taking a bite.

"Woah! It's good. Has a kick to it, but good." You nod, looking it over as if trying to figure out what the flavor was.

"Oh excellent! I wanted to surprise Al since he's finally back in town so I've been messing around with some Cajun flavors! I think I really got it on this one!" She's got such a chipper edge to her voice because she's happy she succeeded, and you can't help but smile. Rosie was always so sweet, sometimes she felt like a beacon of light in hell just for you, and from the way her citizens talked about her, you would say they agree too.

"Oh he's gonna love it, I'm sure." You smile, leaning over to kiss her cheek, which just further keeps her energy up.

"I'm gonna go ahead and bring them out so I can put them on display and start selling 'em." Rosie smiles, giddy as she leans over and presses her lips to yours in a chaste and sweet kiss.

When she comes back though you seem visibly distressed, another person's hands even on you. She quickly puts down what item was in her hand and makes a beeline to the two of you. She is still smiling but there's a heat to her eyes that is dangerous, and a slight venom in her words.

"May I ask what you're doing?" She cocks her head to the side politely, giving them a chance to apologize and learn some manners.

"Just trying to convince a sweet thing to take a chance on me."

Ah. Well. She tried.

"I think you should leave." Rosie says coldly, although she is still smiling politely.

"What? No. I'm sure I can convince them."

You are clearly not anywhere close to considering going anywhere with this person. At the person's statement Rosie just laughs, placing a hand over her chest as if she had just heard the funniest joke.

"I was not asking, dear."

The man stills a moment from how ice cold her voice is now, and he looks at her as if trying to size her up. But before he can decide what to do she's speaking again.

"If you would like to continue to overstay your welcome, I should have you know that as their Overlord, I take care of all of my souls here in Cannibal Town very diligently...and I've never been one to let them...go hungry." Her smile is still there, polite, as if she were simply asking him if he needed help with anything today. Her threat is indirect but the message is received loud and clear and they let you go, quickly making their way out.

Once they're gone Rosie relaxes, shoulders no longer tense. She turns to you, peppering your face with kisses a moment, to which you just laugh in delighted joy.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize earlier they were harassing you."

But you quickly comfort her and tell her she came just in time. She looks worried for a split second, as if trying to figure out if you're actually okay, when you speak up.

"Why don't we go visit the hotel? Deliver these special lady fingers to Alastor personally?" You suggest, knowing Alastor's company was always a good mood boost for Rosie, and her helpful nature meant she would enjoy giving a gift to someone she cares about. So she smiles and nods, worry leaving her face as she relaxes a little more.

"Yes, I think you're right. That sounds just lovely." She agrees, holding her arm out for you to hold onto so you can both start the walk there.

[jaemmphilia]

★𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦★ || wonho

back to the 500 follower event

you're upset. really upset.

you can feel your emotions attempting to get the better of you, but you won't allow it. you know you're better than that. you honestly shouldn't be jealous and upset in the first place. let's be real, it was your suggestion to accompany wonho to the gym.

you just wanted to understand your boyfriend's hobbies better. well, that's only a half-lie. you did want to see your boyfriend in his element, his muscles rippling under his compression shirt, his black shorts riding up his muscular thighs when he bends down in a squat.

and his ass.

but it's a little hard to ogle your boyfriend when he's helping someone else with their lifting form. wonho's eyes are focused on the male lifting the heavy metal bar, making sure he doesn't hurt himself.

your teeth toys with your bottom lip as you force yourself to look away from the two of them. you pop an earbud into your ear and you start up the treadmill to a steady walking pace. you might as well get some actual exercise while you're here.

as you walk on the treadmill, you're mind begins to drift back to wonho and that cute male that he's helping. your head turns back to look at them but you lose your footing and you feel yourself begin to fall. you honestly expect to go flying backwards but all you feel is a pair of arms preventing you from falling.

your eyes are squeezed shut but you smell a familiar scent of mint and eucalyptus. your eyes slowly open and you're greeted by the concerned gaze of wonho. his eyes are soft and his strong brows are pressed downwards, a single wrinkle in between the hairs. the corners of his lips are also downturned, parted just slightly.

"are you alright? that could have been bad." wonho says to you, his arms not removing from your frame.

as you look at wonho, all your previous jealous emotions dissipate into nothing. after staring at the man for way too long, you nod.

"good, i can't have my baby blue getting hurt." wonho places his lips on your forehead softly.

you love that nickname he gave you. you think it's unique and the most intimate thing in your relationship. you are his baby blue, not anyone else.

wonho begins to speak to you again. "are you ready to go? i'm hungry and i want something greasy." he says, removing your earbuds from your ears.

"you're the only man i have met that can eat greasy food after being at the gym." you comment with a slight shake of your head.

"i hope i'm the only man you have ever met." wonho retorts ligthheartedly.

you scoff a laugh at him. "won, i went to an all-boys school."

"that didn't happen, you're delusional." wonho's hands move down to your hips.

"what? i'm delusional?" you question, your jaw falling slack a little.

wonho nods and he goes to gather his gym bag, snickering at your baffled expression. he loves to mess with you because you have the funniest reactions to his shenanigans.

the two of you leave the gym, and you realize that despite wonho helping someone else, he still came to your rescue. how could you be jealous when wonho has tunnel vision when it comes to you?

[a-crumb-of-whump]

60 Whump Dialogue

Content: Torture, dehumanisation, pet whump, [implied] whumper-turned-whumpee, [implied] whumpee-turned-whumper, [implied] caretaker-turned-whumpee, sacrifice, death wish, [mentioned] death, [implied] non-con, bad caretaker.

Whumper

"You are nothing but a toy. A toy to play with and mould and break as I please."

"Go ahead. Cry and scream. It only makes this all the more fun."

"Maybe if you're good, I'll only shatter one of your ankles. Hm?"

"Look at the screen. Fucking look at it. I want you to witness this."

"You wouldn't risk your life for anyone? Perhaps we need to put this to the test."

"What makes you think I'll let you go so easily?"

"How dare you speak to me like that?"

"Have your fun while you can because I'm going to kill you the moment I get out of these."

"I'm going to find what breaks you, Whumpee. That I can promise."

"My life was so much easier before I took you. I regret it with every fibre of my fucking being."

"I wonder how loud you'd scream if I just..."

"Smile for the camera!"

"A good little pet cleans Its master's shoes with Its tongue, I'll have you know."

"I am not someone you want to mess with, Whumpee. Do as I say."

"Look who decided to crawl their way back into their master's arms. I told you you'd be back."

"I think you'd like adorable with some piercings, don't you agree?"

"Stay still."

"Maybe I'll keep you as my personal canvas from now on."

"Have fun hanging there!"

"I purchased some stuff for you. After all, every good pet deserves some enrichment."

Whumpee

"I just wanna go home."

"You can't leave me here! Please!"

"I never lost hope. I always knew- I... I knew you'd come for me eventually."

"You'd think after so long of having me here, you'd get better at tying me up."

"Please don't leave me down here again. I'll take whatever you wanna do to me, just- just let me come with you."

"You thought I wouldn't be back? I'm not finished with you yet. Not until you pay for what you did."

"You- you promised!"

"Not again..."

"You thought I was here to rescue you? That's the funniest thing I've heard all week."

"Am I gonna die?"

"Ju-ust kill me already!"

"I'm not moaning! It fucking hurts!"

"When Caretaker finds you, they'll- they'll kill you. I promise you that."

"What happened? Holding someone captive not as fun as you thought it'd be?"

"P-please... please, no more."

"You can do what you want to me, but I'm sure as hell not making this easier for you."

"Sometimes I imagined it was you, to- to help me get through it."

"Where am I?"

"Please, the restraints hurt. Can't you use something softer or- or at the very least loosen it?"

"Look at what they did to me! Look at the person I've become!"

Caretaker

"I never stopped searching for you."

"Let's go home, okay?"

"Yes, you're a burden, but you're one that I've chosen to carry."

"Where the hell are they?"

"Let me go! I need to find them!"

"May I touch you?"

"Breathe, Whumpee, please breathe."

"If I ever see you sniffing around here again, I'll make you regret it."

"I'm not going to punish you."

"I'm trying to help you, but that won't happen if you continue to treat me like this."

"Are you serious? You're just going to let them back into your life after what they did to you?"

"You sacrificed me so you wouldn't have to go back! How could you do that to me?"

"Please put the knife down, Whumpee."

"Why do I like seeing them cry? What is wrong with me?"

"I can't promise that I won't ever hurt you, but I can promise that It's never deliberate."

"Would you like me to make you some food?"

"Perhaps someone does need to punish you for you to understand. Nothing else seems to work."

"I hired someone to come and install a dimmable light in your bedroom so you don't have to sleep in the dark."

"You know what? I'd go through it all again if it meant you were safe."

"Whumper was right. They are a pathetic little thing. I think that's why they're so endearing."

[haunteddollbaby]

may i request a sakusa noncon fic? maybe his wife is acting like a slut (she’s not, she’s just talking to people at a party) and he forced himself into her in the bathroom to teach a lesson

SLUT

?

sakusa preferred to not involve himself in anything atsumu related,, especially parties thrown by the imbecile. shit,, he avoids parties in general .

why?

because it's like reliving highschool all over again. hot,, sweaty,, germy bodies dancing around and humping eachother with no shame at all. yeah no. he'd rather stay home with his beautiful wife,, you.

speaking of you,, you're the reason he's in this predicament.

what predicament you may ask?

well,, you dragged him out the house and to tsumu's party. you said,, and he quotes,, "but kiyoomiii ! this is a good opportunity to make yourself new friends,, as well as just have fun,, you know? come on,, were going in!"

sakusa strongly disagreed with your words,, but he couldn't possibly bring himself to say no to you. he figured it couldnt be that bad. he thought you two could just talk the whole time.

he thought wrong.

suna,, your best friend,, pulled you away from him as soon as you walked in. leaving sakusa all alone to watch you smile and laugh with another man.

thats where he is now,, standing in a corner by himself staring at you.

sakusa doesn't consider himself a jealous man,, spoiler: he is,, but as he begins staring harder,, he notices the way you're looking at suna. you look at him as if you adore him you don't look at him any type of way. you smile at him and laugh at his jokes as if he's the funniest man to exist sakusas literally just being delusional.

eventually,, he couldn't take it anymore.

sakusa walks over to you,, picks you up and throws you over his shoulder. he's careful to hold your skirt down over your ass,, as to not flash anybody.

suna just laughs while sakusa walks away with you,, bringing you to the bathroom. suna loves messing with sakusa.

though,, it does hurt him a little to see his crush get carried to the bathroom to get fucked by her boyfriend,, but thats life suna guesses.

meanwhile with you,, you're extremely confused. but once sakusa takes you into the bathroom,, locking the door behind him,, you get an idea of what's about to happen.

"omi, what are you-"

"shut up and take what i give you. sluts don't speak."

"but i don't wanna-"

you're interrupted by sakusa bending you over the sink,, two of his fingers invading your hole. a small moan slips from your throat as a result of his action.

after a while,, sakusa jerked his fingers out of you and shoved himself in without warning,, instantly bottoming out,, and ramming into you.

you scream and cry,, moreso of pleasure but definitely of pain as well,, but no one heard you rcries over the music and their own chatter.

sakusa didn't care for your cries,, he just needs to relieve himself of the stress you put him through. it's only fair you help him since you caused it,, right?

he wraps one hand around your throat and burrows another deep in your hair,, ready to pull it at any time you try to resist him.

when sakusa gets close to his release,, you've already came 4 times. you know he's close because he grips your hair even harder,, snapping your neck almost. he slams his hips into you a few more times before an imprisoned gasp escapes the confines of his throat,, ringing throughout your ears and leading you to another orgasm yourself. you and sakusa come down from your highs together.

you two stay like that for a little,, you cockwarming him,, making out. that is until you hear a knock on the door and a familiar voice,,

"come on,, that's enough fucking you nasty asses. get the fuck out,, i need to pee!"

suna can be such a cock block sometimes.

?

everything ???

[sporksaber]

I have never really liked sasusaku, but arranged marriage sasusaku au. Writing as the thought comes to mind so they may not be endgame.

So sakura comes from The merchant clan. The harunos are super important to the village and its really important not to piss them off. At 6 years old sakura starts insisting she wants to be a ninja and her grandmother, the clan matriarch, agrees that she can join the academy and become a ninja if she does well.

The uchiha meanwhile, are approaching the point of no return with their political instability. And then they hear that the granddaughter of the Haruno head is now training as a ninja and they see the perfect way to reestablish a foothold in the villages power structure and a buffer between them and danzo.

So 6 year old sakura ends up at dinner at the uchihas to meet sasuke. She hates him. He's a spoinled brat who keeps hiding behind his mom and loudly whining about anything and everything, and little sakura was very mature for her age. She has a few nice moments pf interacting with itachi about the academy before sasuke realizes his brother's attention isnt on him and gets between them, but all the other adults dismiss her completely and dont even properly speak to her.

Sakura decides she hates all of them.

The arrangement goes through.

(Mikoto is not happy about it, her baby is only 6. But she figures that it's not set in stone since a proper engagement cant happen until theyre 16 and a traditional marriage has to wait until 19. The haruno also dont fully expect it to go that far and are fully aware that the uchiha are trying to gain advantage in the village, but theyre ready to milk this for all its worth. Itachi thinks it's adorable. The uchiha elders dont care how it ends up as long as they get what they want. Danzo is furious and the third is staying out of it (because he sucks) while the other clans are biding their time until they see how this is going to go.)

Sakura being engaged(to be engaged) to sasuke does change her dynamic at the academy a bit. She does have other kids who mess with her at first, but its shut down by sasuke and some other aolder uchiha. This pisses sakura off because while it wasnt a battle she wanted to fight, that didnt mean he coild fight it for her. She befriends ino on accident and encourages her friends crush on sasuke because she does Not want him. His fiance hating him kind of puts a damper on ino's crush though.

The engagement is enough to keep the massacre from happening.

Sasuke doesnt like sakura in the way that he doesnt realize he kind of likes her. At some point her getting mad at him makes his heart flutter. Also, uchiha are possessive by nature and he sees her as his (the reason why he stepped in when other kids were making fun of her).

The other uchiha at the academy think its the funniest shit in the world even though they would never let that kind of slight towards the main family slip in any way. If you find sakura having one of her onesided arguments with sasuke because he was following her or something you can also find several older uchiha kids making aggressive eye contact with eachother, mentally daring eachother to slip up so they can laugh without worrying about someone snitching. (There is a rare occasion where shisui, who often volunteers as the uchiha-haruno liason, is found actually laughing his ass off at their antics. The other uchiha still dont laugh though, because being blackmailed by shisui is way worse than getting chewed out by an elder.)

Their engagement is known among the clans and the civilian politicians, but its not exactly common knowledge. Not everyone knows. Naruto doesnt know, and he still jas a massive crush on sakura.

So team 7's genin dynamic now becomes sakura hates sasuke who likes sakura but more than that just knows theyre going to be together forever because that's how its always been, sasuke hates naruto because hes an idiot who has a massive crush on sakura, who also hates him because he's an idiot who has a massive crush on her. And naruto sees sasuke as his ultimate rival (just in ninja, he straight up does not realize that sasuke likes sakura. He thinks theyre just wierd friends the way her and ino are kind of wierd.).

Sakura and sasuke are able to quietly sit next to eachother without issue by the time theyre graduating, theyre frequently together whenever sakura isnt with ino. Thr sevond naruto shows up an argument immidiently starts though.

In kakashi's romance novel language, its a classic enemies to lovers love corner set up. And kakashi is Invested. He thinks this is the funniest shit ever.

Now onto graduation. Im dropping the wierd kidnapping expired milk plot. The narusasu kiss still happens though. Naruto pranks kakashi, kakashi says he hates them and gets himself added to sakura's List.

Sakura likes hanging out with ino and learning chakra theory and does not answer her dislikes or goals for the future (which are, respectivly, marrying sasuke and not marrying sasuke). Sasuke likes his brother and tomatoes, dislikes naruto and people trying to take what's his, and wants to takeover the police force. Naruto likes ramen and sakura, dislikes the three minutes ot takes for ramen to cook and sasuke, and is going to become hokage.

The bell test goes pretty much the same as canon in that they fail the first part, except this time sakura and sasuke have a onesided argument early on, sakura's genjutsu is some flavor of her actually being married to sasuke and she starts gagging when she breaks it (and she does break it, she's been put under genjutsu by other uchiha before), and sasuke tries to start a brawl with naruto when he claims he's gonna get the second bell for sakura. Naruto is tied to a pole, sakura and sasuke feed him, they pass the test.

Kakashi is promptly accosted by first his cute kohai itachi (who wants him to take training his brother seriously) and then a haruno contingent (who want him to take training sakura seriously). He then meets the other new instructers to bemoan his cute students and their families only to be told he needs to take training them seriously. No one understands him.

(He goes to bed with the image in his mind of kushina and minato yanking him aside in the market to make fun of him and then tell him to take training naruto seriously. Not even his own brain understands him.)

Im trying to think ahead and decide where the funniest moment for naruto to find out that sakura and sasuke are engaged. And what ideas would be good for the time skip because i dont like the timeskip and sasuke's not defecting anyway.

Ive decided earlier is better.

The first month of training is always d ranks. So there's some training but mostly kakshi kicks back to make fun of them as the pull weeds and chase cats. On one such mission kakashi is laser focused in on them as the secret comes out. He wishes he had popcorn.

So naruto is bumbling around and knocks into sakura, who is caught by sasuke. Naruto turns to start apologizing while sakura revs up to start yelling at him when the old lady theyre working for calls them "such a cute pair." Naruto starts yelling because theyd be a cuter pair, sakura starts yelling because Gross, and then sasuke is like, "well she's my fiance."

Naruto sputters and sakura groans. She tells the old lady that theyre not technically engaged yet, but is mostly drowned out by naruto and sasuke's ensuing brawl.

Kakashi watches for as long as he could before the damage they were causing became too much and he was forced to step in. Sakura just wants to dissapear.

Now naruto's sitting there with some comedically sized bruises, crying and asking if its true. Sakura sighs and says yes and he colapses to the ground.

Its all very dramatic.

Cue uchiha family+team dinner, which sasuke finally agreed to because he wants to be like, look at my family with My Fiance. The only time Kakashi has ever been on time to anything because he doesnt want to miss a second.

Sakura is already there talking pleasantly to itachi about chakra pathways (itachi has been getting her books since she was little, i dont think i ever mentioned that. Itachi still thinks they are adorable and is fine with bribing her to come over with increasingly rare books). Sasuke eventually stopped trying to force them not to interact after the first few years and is fine with it as long as he is also sitting directly next to them.

Kakashi is giggling to himself as naruto is ushered in by mikoto still looking shell shocked. His entire world has been turned on its head.

Dinner starts formally and then drifts into casual conversation. Sasuke makes eyecontact with naruto and scoots closer to sakura, who just gives him a wierd look before ignoring him. Naruto makes a noise like a dying cat.

Mikoto pulls him into conversation, smiling serenly (he's so much like kushina). He says some things that are red flags. Eventually after he mentions that he has a hard time buying groceries sakura offers to go with him in the name of team solidarity. Sasuke promptly offers to also go, "you hate shopping," "if its bc we're a team then the whole team should go."

So they go shopping. And the entire time sasuke is trying to mess with naruto subtly while sakura glares at him because he's being clingy like he is to itachi. Sakura is explaining how to choose produce and calories and nutrients and raising a disparaging eyebrow anytime a vender tries to say something about naruto being there. (The harunos are not ninja, they can say what they want.) Naruto is torn between giving her his full attention and bristling at sasuke's behaviour. Overall it's a very fun trip.

This brings us to the wave arc. Same as originally, naruto demands a cool mission and the hokage agrees (once again, theres some extra political moves going on. The og version of the team doesnt have strong political power). In comes tazuna.

Their sendoff has a bit more fanfare this time, with itachi and mikoto saying goodbye to sasuke and itachi giving sakura a new book and some snacks for the team.

When sakura first see the puddles she looks at kakashi but he shushes her. Literally. She is offended.

The two ninja pop out and "kill" kakashi. Sakura falls back into protective position and casts her own genjutsu. Naruto freezes and sasuke takes out one ninja and kakshi pops back up to take care of the other.

It continues like canon. Zabuza shows up, sakura's once again on defence, kakshi is caught and then the boys free him, haku spirits away an unconcious zabuza. They get to tazuna's with sakura taking lead and the boys carying kakashi because she's the only one who knows medical information. (A note: with the uchiha clan alive sakura and sasuke are already aware of kakashi's eye, and sakura has been briefed on what to do with chakra exhaustian.)

Sasuke takes this moment to continue taunting naruto with the fact he's engaged to sakura. Sakura does not appreciate sasuke's praise as a tool to mess with naruto. Tazuna is very confused.

I think kakashi continuing with the mission at this point is out of spite towards everyone who assumed hed be a bad teacher, might as well prove them right.

Kakashi goes to teach them tree walking but sakura and sasuke already know. He moves them to waterwalking, which sakura gets very quickly and is then sent on guard duty. Its at this point that the feelings of isolation naruto has really hits home. Not only are they engaged theyve had years more training than him.

Sakura talks trade routes and infrastructure with tazuna. She also helps carry heavy things with chakra enhanced arms. (I dont remember what fic i originally saw this in, but i love the image of sakura casually picking a steel beam that it usually takes 4 to 6 men to carry as they watch in awed confusion. Im definitly going to give her an oversized weapon later.)

The big moment of divergence here is that i want haku to live, so so does zabuza. So sakura, with her merchant family's knowledge that a jounin might know but a genin never would, speaks up naruto style, "instead of dealing with thugs like gato who are inevitably going to double cross you, wouldnt you want the strength of a village again?" zabuza gets pissed before sakura reveals that theres anlther coup forming with strong backers.

Ive lost steam at this point, rapid fire.

The invasion still happens during the chunin exams because i want the 3rd to die. The uchiha are able to cement their new goodwill status in the village and sakura naruto and sasuke are on civilian duty during the battle.

I think itd be funny to still break up the team. So sakura gets promoted. Theres some political stuff that goes into it (a wedge between her and sasuke is a bonus to those who are still against the uchiha clan) but also she did well and tsunade has a minimum she needs to fill.

Tsunade mercs danzo prerty early on too.

Post chunin itachi takes naruto shopping while sakura is busy, sasukes is pissed. Cue brotherly bonding.

At the end of wave the whole team started getting touchier with eachother (started by sasuke clinging to sakura to prove he could and progessing to reassure naruto that he was a teammate they care about.

At some point after they all start displaying casual affection between eachother shisui starts a rumor that all 3 are dating.

With sakura busy with chunin training sai is put onto their team. It takes awhile for them to get used to it.

Naruto and sai become roommates.

They have study sessions at naruto's place because he'll need better knowledge of politics if he's going to become hokage.

Sasusaku is endgame.

Im dome for now.

[writing-funsies]

OP characters as besties p.4

p.1 | p.2 | p.3 | p.4 | p.5

characters: Luffy, Sanji, Usopp

warnings: none

notes: all platonic hc's

Luffy

if you thought he couldn't get any more chaotic

oh how wrong you are

either you increase his impulsiveness tenfold

or he drags you along no matter what you say

unintentionally teaches you to not worry about the consequences of your every action

you're definitely the voice of reason between the two of you

he thinks you're the funniest person in the world

and he thinks it's even funnier when you're being serious

will flick you on the forehead

come on, y/n, stop worrying so much

we've gotta find the meat

always snacking together

there's a good chance that if you're hungry, he's hungry

and vice-versa

like everyone else on his crew, he trusts that you can take care of yourself

he won't think twice if you go off on your own

but if he finds out that someone managed to hurt you

oh boy

that person should start writing their will immediately

no one messes with his best friend and gets away with it

if he gets in a spot of trouble

you'll be right there to help him

and if anyone hurts your best friend

rest assured they won't continue breathing for long after you find them

if you're ever upset

he might let you join him on the figurehead of the Sunny

but only for a minute

cause that's his seat

he'll pull his face in funny ways and dance around to cheer you up

will ask Sanji to make you meat

meat always cheers him up

so why wouldn't it do the same for you

7/10

will always take you on an adventure

but won't share his meat with you

Sanji

bonding over cooking

you two working together to create a breath-taking experience for the rest of the crew

admiring beautiful women together

and keeping him in check when he's being too much of a perv

helping him when he gets a really bad nosebleed

fighting together

being back to back

surrounded by enemies

and then destroying every last one of them flawlessly

making fun of that marimo 

tons of inside jokes

that none of the others could ever hope to understand

taking turns to protect the kitchen from your captain

teaching each other new methods to use while cooking

and always experimenting with new techniques and recipes

relaxing after getting your chores done

you two chilling on the deck

listening to the waves splashing against the Sunny

and the sounds of everyone doing their own things

while Brook plays some music to make the evening even more calming

then heading to the kitchen

where you both joke around while effortlessly dancing around each other to create yet another masterpiece for the others

complimenting each other's food

and being each other's taste testers

as well as providing any necessary critiques

nothing harsh

usually just adding a dash more of seasoning or allowing something to cool for a little longer

8/10

has a good heart

but will not be able to help you against an enemy if they're a woman

Usopp

the great Captain Usopp of the Usopp Pirates

will happily tell you all about his home

and the time he spent training

such a softie at heart

loves to see your new projects

whether that be some type of craft

or a weapon

yes anding his stories constantly

and expanding off of his lies to enemies

masters of deception

you're more level-headed than he is in most situations

but he does manage to put on a brave face a lot of the time

scaring him with ghost stories

and booping his nose every chance you get

hyping him up

helping him build up his confidence

he would teach you how to increase the accuracy of your aim using any type of weapon

singing songs together

and silently judging Nami's money habits together

sharing a look whenever anyone does anything stupid around you two

despite there being a 99% chance you two have also done the stupid thing

knowing what the other is saying without having to speak

but also understanding each other's gibberish

being excited to see his new inventions 

fangirling over Franky's projects together

watching each other's backs when fighting

him standing up for you if anyone is mean to you

and you taking down anyone who hurts him

being grumpy together

having afternoon tea where you two just talk shit about anyone who upset you (crew, strangers, and enemies all included)

coming up with nicknames for the entire crew

9/10

a well-rounded individual

but will not hesitate to use you as a human shield

[falloutjuli]

OHHH BOYYYY OKAY. HEAR ME OUT RIGHT. HEAR ME OUT.

BUCCI GANG WITH G/N!Y/N (PLATONIC OR ROMANTIC IDM <3) WHO IS AN ALIEN (Like from part 4) WHO'S LIKE PRETTY WELL ACCUSTOMED TO EARTH BUT ALSO. TENDS TO SHAPESHIFT INTO ANIMALS ACCIDENTLY WHEN THEY FEEL AN EXTREME EMOTION!!

like pissed at narancia because he broke their favourite cd? OHHHH BOY ITS A FUCKING CHIHUAHUA

Otherwise, have a lovely day and hopefully you've got some good requests to keep you busy, i know what it's like to be painstakingly bored lmao. if you don't feel like writing this one tho, that's fine :)

DRINK SOME WATER BTW. JUST. JUST A SIP. LIKE. A LITTLE SCHLURP.

I LOVE THIS IDEA SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS!!

And thank you so much for your kind words, always means a lot! Drinking water as I'm writing this. And now other people who read this... DRINK SOMETHING. NOW.

Anyways, i think it's on the more platonic side, but i think it can also be interpreted as romantic. Hope you enjoy my little writing!

Same content warning as before, typed on phone by an unhinged person 😎

-------

Bucci Gang x Alien!GN!Reader - Shapeshifting adventures

-------

The boys and Trish are pretty used to your sometimes weird antics but when they bit by bit discovered the shape shifting? OH BOY.

They were all used to you messing up small things that were normal to them, like teaching you idioms and stuff. But this? This is a whole new level of crazy.

First. The Narancia incident.

It's Narancia, so he pretended to know nothing about no CD. Especially not broken ones he helped pick out. No no, he knows nothing about this, never even heard of CDs.

But you know him and his bullshit so you keep nagging him about it, getting agitated by his constant lies.

And just when you wanted to full on speak your mind to him, poof. Bark.

He stares at a little Chihuahua where just Y/N stood that looked like it was ready to bite him.

Once everything in his brain clicks, he laughs his ass off. Tears in his eyes, his laughter filling all of the house, eventually drawing in Abbachio who just wants some piece and quite and now has to deal with Narancia crying/laughing on the floor and a.... Chihuahua angrily barking at him.

It took a while until Abbachio got answers out of the younger one and once everything was explained (well, everything despite what happened to the CD) he went off to get the rest of the gang, trying to contain his laughter on the way.

So everyone was informed then. Fugo and Giorno were super interested in this newfound quirk you discovered, Bruno and Trish were worried at first but once they saw that you had suffered no harm or were stuck in the form their worries subsided. Abbachio found it a little funny but was also glad you were alright.

Meanwhile to Mista and Narancia it's the funniest shit they have ever seen. They keep referencing it. "Ohhh Mista, don't steal their desert or they might turn into a puppy again!"

Those two are true idiots and once they pushed you a little too far and you accidentally turned into a grizzly bear, they finally stopped. For while.

Bruno had that worry again. He wasn't sure if you could maybe hurt yourself or them if this kept happening but you kept assuring him that's you'd never. It's just the form that changes, never the Y/N inside of the form.

Trish and Giorno are super kind to you as always and would barely ever push you into such extrem emotions to the point of accidentally shifting.

Abbachio and Bruno will always look out for you and will tell the others to stop bothering you/calm you down if they deem it necessary. They are never pushy about it, especially not Abbachio.

Fugo is... Certainly something. You're sure if he too was from your planet he'd be a walking zoo with how easily angered he is. You two spoke about that once and Fugo never felt happier to be from Earth.

While Mista and Narancia can certainly drive you up the walls, they also know when it's too much and after you turning into a bear, they decided they would stop trying to set you off on purpose. (Especially since Narancia brought up the possibility of you turning into a dinosaur. Which they deemed cool. But scary.)

This doesn't mean they will stop bickering with you over tiny things.

Mista also called you once a "Discount Giorno." Nobody found it funny and Giorno was tempted to transform his newly bought shoes with Golden Experience but decided against it.

[trash-can-sam]

Ive finally made a sandrock OC (KIND OF) I havent just stolen the design of and put somewhere else. and I really want to talk about her. So here she is.

I wanted to give some lore to this character Qi mentions 3 times

AND now shes in my brain, so Ill say some things about her:

She wanted to be a biologist but ended up going into the same type of research job Qi's in because it paid more

Qi and Bugs went to college together and ended up working pretty closely on a few projects, maybe even had internships/jobs at the same place for a while before Qi moved to Sandrock.

She got the nickname Bugs because she would always pick up random bugs in elementry school and the name just kind of stuck. She prefers it to her actual name (which I have not thought of yet because names are hard)

Qi says that they are rivals, but I dont think thats actually true given how much they talk. I think its a lot more like a one sided rivalry where Qi has decided shes his rival and she just kinda plays along because its fun, but theyre actually just friends (not that Qi would admit that, but Bugs refers to and thinks of him as a friend)

Although she still works in Vega 5, she doesnt particularly love it there. To her, she just has nowhere else to go and the pay and lifestyle of Vega 5 is too much to resist, especially for someone wihtout that many goals.

Qi managed to get her into Gungham and so they have amazing conversations that only come from ADHD-Autism friendships where both people have the same hyperfixation. (I speak from experience when I say its the best thing)

She visits sandrock sometimes because she doesnt know where else to go when she has stacked up vacation days.

She gets very annoyed whenever people dont know what they're talking about, hence her friendship with Qi not really being an issue, because both of them are like this and they both thrive off of each others intellectual energy.

ALSO. Some things about her personal relationships to people in Sandrock:

Her and Grace are dating, mostly because I want Grace to have a girlfriend so bad (I am so starved for sapphic relationships you dont understand). They have been rotating in my brain SO MUCH, so I'll talk about them. This is largely because it would be SO FUNNY.

Their relationship started because Bugs would regularly visit Sandrock, so she would see Grace a lot. Since the Blue Moon Saloon isnt really that busy, they would talk to eachother quite a bit. After a few trips of both of them talking, Bugs decides it would be funny to mess with Qi whenever her and Qi eat dinner later that night, and she thinks the funniest way to do that is by Grace hitting on her at this dinner. Make it real awkward for Qi. I plan on making a comic for this actually SO we will see if it actually gets done. If it does it will be so funny you dont even know (it definetly will not be thats the brainrot talking.)

After that, they meet up outside the Blue Moon Saloon to toast to their success of making Qi extremely confused, they walk around sandrock and sit at the oasis a while. Nothing happens that night, but they both come away from it as deeper friends and a little crush. Not in like, a way that is that noticable, or a way either of them intend on pursuing, but a way that definelty exists. Neither of them are stupid, and both of them tend to do a good amount of introspection, so they both pick up on this and it changes the dynamic a little, but in a good way.

As time goes on, Bugs makes more and more visits to Sandrock, to see Qi of course, but the reason increasingly becomes to see Grace as well. They both flirt with eachother a bit here and there, until Grace asks her out on a date and it ends up becoming a thing. Still thinking of details there BUT! They will be thought of, dont worry.

NOW, For what this relationship means for them both and their similarities and a couple differences:

For both of them, this is the first romantic relationship they have had that really feels like the other person can keep up with them. Both of them are super smart, and they both sort of have unfollowed dreams.

They are also both workaholics discontent with the circumstances they're in, and I feel like they bond a lot over that.

BOTH OF THEM ARE VERY SILLY. Grace, especially if youre dating her, uses a lot of very silly language. Like whenever youre dating, her greeting is "Hey good lookin, what ya got cookin?" She has many many silly lines and I would reccomend reading her dialogue page if you havent already read it all the way through like 3 times. Bottom line is, shes goofy. And Bugs is also goofy. Not in exactly the same way, but like she calls Qi a chatty cathy, thats goofy. AND SOMETHING GRACE WOULD DO IF HER AND QI WERE FRIENDS IN THAT WAY. They would be a very annoying couple and I find that extremely funny especially in the context of them spending a good amount of time with Qi, who probably doesnt pick up on it half the time.

Both of them are the type to distract from their inner turmoil with humor. If you have gone on a playdate with grace or read her entire dialogue page, you would know she does this a non-zero amount of times, quite commonly in fact. Bugs does the same type of thing, but she does tend to talk a lot less than Grace.

Bugs is an introvert unlike Grace, but she can read people surprisingly well. Not anywhere near as well as Grace, of course, but still pretty well.

Both have jobs that end up with them being relatively isolated from personal connections. For Bugs, shes working in a team with a lot of people she doesnt really like, for Grace, she has to keep quiet about her job for the most part. This leads to them having an interesting dynamic in which both of them dont really know how to navigate personal, unguarded relationships super well. Bugs hasnt had any close friends in a long time, and Grace cant turn off her agent brain, oftentimes getting a lot more from Bugs than Bugs would want her to. I have a real thing for relationships where one person is quite guarded and the other person can read them super well, and Bugs and Grace fit this dynamic very well in both directions. Bugs tends to read Grace more than she expects too, not by a crazy amount or anything, but she does catch Grace offguard occasionally, just because Grace tends to drop it more often without realizing it around Bugs.

They have the same sort of (aspiring) archeolegist and researcher dynamic Grace and Qi have (That I touched on here) but romantic so. I think thats fun personally, because its a cool sort of combining of forces. It also hits a bit different from Grace's and Qi's simply because Bugs is a lot more like Grace personality wise.

A couple other relationships in sandrock:

Her and Zeke get along. She visits Zeke sometimes, because of her interest in biology. And I just think they would get along. Not just because she likes plants but I also think she would appricate how Zeke is very knowlegable on what he does as well as desert farming in general.

She doesnt like the church very much (for the innate ideological differences that come with being a researcher), but she still has a laugh with Dan-Bi occasionally.

I like the idea of her getting along with Fang a bit. I think she has at least looked at some of what she uses to make medicine and is like "oh wow thats genius!"

I think she would have a very fun time messing with Yan (because Yan is literally so funny idc what anyone else says I love him so much) I dont think she would like him, but I think she would have fun talking to him every now and then just to prod him (which Yan ofc doesnt notice) for goofs.

I love the idea of her getting along with Unsuur. I cannot explain why. But I think they would be drinking buddies.

Some design notes and how she dresses when shes not in a lab coat:

I had to give her a long lab coat because thats a demographic severely underepresented in sandrock

Her shirt color is pretty similar to Qi's undershirt, it just felt like it fit. Its also half untucked like Qi's, but Bugs does it because she thinks it looks good while Qi does it because hes tired. I dont really know how to draw that sort of distinction, but just know that its there.

Her belt buckle is gold while Qis is silver

Her hairtie is dark blue, Qis tie is light blue. Theres not a whole lot to that I just thought it was neat personally.

Her fashion sense tends to be pretty casual, usually hoodies and shorts while shes in her apartment and pretty normal streetwear outside of it. I dont think that she wears as many belts as the average Sandrock or Portia citizen. Since we havent been to Vega 5, I cant say for sure what the normal fashion sense is like, but based off of Qi and Petra, who are more like the average Vega 5er, and what is known about the culture, I assume regular dress tends to be more busniess casual-formal. I dont count Merlin, who was so eccentric she got kicked out of Vega 5, Or Mint, who seems overly casual, in this assesment. However, Bugs dresses in whatever is slightly more casual than the normal Vega 5 streetwear. Not as casual as Mint, but definetly not formal. She's kind of done with Vega 5's general busniess culture, not done enough to leave, but done enough that she doesnt really care what she wears off the clock if that makes sense.

That is all for my unhinged ramblings. I have a lot of ideas about her and maybe I will actually do something with those, so I thought I should introduce her.

[doingproblematicmedia]

Velma Wrapup: On Adult Comedy

Hey fam. I know this is mad late, but let’s be honest, trying to write a wrapup on Velma was about as painful as watching it. Enjoy!

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So speaking of HBO, I just watched Marc Maron’s From Bleak to Dark, which is one of the funniest standup routines I’ve seen in a long time.

It was also deeply dark and pretty disturbing in places.

I mean, he didn’t hold back. COVID? Auschwitz? Terminal illness? Abortion? Disinformation? Antisemitism? Suicide?

All there.

And it was funny as fuck.

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I’m gonna keep coming back to Kurt Vonnegut here, because I think he got to the root of comedy: that all humor is based on fear. “Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.”

From Bleak to Dark worked because of this fear. We’re exhausted. The state of the world doesn’t seem to be getting any better, and it’s just hard to navigate being human right now. How on earth can you make this material funny?

And the answer is: by reaching deep into the dark places of the soul, plucking the strings of our agonies and worst fears, and dragging them into the light. Saying: Hey, I’m human, you’re human, and here we are trapped in the mess of our humanity. I see you. Hi.

And we laugh.

Because what else are we gonna do about it?

As both Maron and Vonnegut remarked, the jokes in Auschwitz must’ve been amazing.

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I stumbled on this essay by Matthew Morgan on the state of modern irony, and it stuck a chord:

One feature of the free mind is an ability to entertain contradictory ideas simultaneously; at its most refined, this is an appreciation of the ironic, which Schlegel showed is borne of contradiction. Albert Camus talked about the Absurd as the search for value in a valueless universe. Humans are both the only known creatures who comprehend the meaninglessness of the cosmos and the animals most insistent on discovering meaning, demonstrating that irony is at the heart of the human condition. To embrace irony is, therefore, to embrace life.

Irony, the essay points out, strikes at the contradictions of our messy lives. Vonnegut was a master of irony, using it in such a subtle way that it sailed over many peoples’ heads. In an interview with Playboy in 1973, he famously stated: 

You understand, of course, that everything I say is horseshit...But it’s a useful, comforting sort of horseshit, you see? That’s what I object to about preachers. They don’t say anything to make anybody any happier, when there are all these neat lies you can tell. And everything is a lie, because our brains are two-bit computers, and we can’t get very high-grade truths out of them. But as far as improving the human condition goes, our minds are certainly up to that. That’s what they were designed to do.

Vonnegut’s comforting lies contradict the inherent meaninglessness of life; they give us something to hold onto. Something to reach out with, to show us that we understand each other. That we all want and fear. That we can form community with this shared understanding. An understanding based in irony. In the contradictions of life.

What does all this have to do with Velma? Bear with me. I’m getting there.

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Morgan’s essay also gets at what I think is an issue with a lot of current comedy:

...social commentary has been lost amid the exponential growth of shock-value comedy, the inanity of which is exposed by its label: rather than using shock to change values, the vacuous comedy of something like Family Guy values only the shock. This kind of humour merely consolidates one’s place within the in-group of cynical cool kids by sniggering at increasingly “offensive” jokes, a sort of lack-of-virtue signalling.

...The reason that shows like Family Guy are so empty is that they want to mock everything (because that’s detached and cool) while refusing to show us anything (because that would be old-fashioned and ridiculous).

And here’s where we get to Velma.

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High school is a weird time. Lots of teenage media would have us believe that high school is when we come into our own: amongst the parties and rebellion and teenage love and heartbreak, we are tested, and emerge from this crucible as a fully-formed person. Nothing could be further from the truth. High school is messy, ugly, and painful. It doesn’t look like what it does on the screen. The idea that ‘high school is the best years of your life’ is oft repeated, which in hindsight is horseshit. But maybe we believed that deep down, back when we were in high school, and were terrified that we were doing it wrong. 

And so many of us emerge from this with scars. 

There is a lot of adult media about high school kids! Because on some level, we’re all still trying to process this time of our lives. Putting it into art, stylizing it or flaying it open, helps us to do so. And for teens watching this media, hopefully we’re saying: it’s ok. This is messy ugly and painful, but you’re not alone.

I think Velma is trying to do this. Velma goes to some serious lengths to dig into this messy high school experience. It also pokes at how the media treats the high school experience, which is awesome in theory.

The problem is, it falls into a very high school sort of trap. The kind of trap that we were supposed to mature past. The kind of trap that a lot of shock comedy hasn’t matured past.

As Morgan says, it’s that Velma wants to mock high school media - because it’s detached and cool. I remember this being a thing in high school. In order to be cool, you had to be detached. You could never show real emotion or real hurt. Everything had to roll off like water on a duck’s back.

Because showing real vulnerability wasn’t cool. Cool was not caring. Cool was being able to hurt others, without showing any hurt yourself. Velma wants to skewer the idealized version of high school we see in media - but instead, it just becomes another high school bully.

And all the criticism that has been levelled at Velma? It’s rolled off. Like water on a duck’s back. HBO has renewed it for a second season. 

It’s like watching your high school bully get elected class president.

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I’m not gonna dissect the content of Velma, because enough people have done that already. The piles of shitty jokes, the weird meta commentary, the moments that don’t work, the moments that hurt - it’s all been compiled, and I don’t want to beat a dead horse (I’m the horse in this metaphor. Because dealing with Velma is painful). 

But I do want to say, it’s an exquisite study on how comedy fails. Fails to reach out, fails to plunge deep into its audience and pull on its worst fears. Fails to make us seen, fails to find a shared humanity.

Doug Walker, who of all people is qualified to comment on bad comedy, probably said it best: 

[Velma has] this wall of protective bullshit that's stopping it from being really funny or really clever.

And that’s that. There’s a wall. Velma is not reaching an audience, because it physically cannot. 

Is it the writers’ own fears that built this wall? Fears of being mocked? Wanting to be detached and cool? 

Because to make real connections, we run the risk of being hurt. Being hurt is a part of life. And the best comedy overcomes this. Says ‘Hi. I know you’re hurting. So am I. Can we make this less painful together?’ 

If Velma is to be believed, we cannot. All we can do is carry on hurting each other, with no connection or relief in sight. 

But as good comics have shown, we can ease the pain with shared laughter.