#this is such a justified wish and im manifesting it actually.

[youngpettyqueen]

"I wish you would write a fic where"

It looks like Garak has betrayed Julian. To the Cardassians, to whoever. Gotten him arrested or is interrogating him or otherwise has Serious Consequences. Julian doesn't really believe Garak has betrayed him but the rest of DS9 does and tries to convince him it's true.

Garak, ofc, is miserable and stressed.

ooooo see this is a very fun concept

I think id spin it a little bit from your original idea because im picturing something set after In The Pale Moonlight. id really really want to focus on the Sisko and Julian interactions, with their relationship being rocky after ITPM, and with Sisko being especially suspicious of and angry with Garak, it'd be a perfect storm

im picturing Sisko as wanting to protect Julian, blaming himself for the fact that him and Garak even built a rapport to begin with because he encouraged the relationship, and still raw from ITPM. Sisko cares about Julian, and we know he carries guilt for ITPM, id like to explore that manifesting in him going hard against Garak and almost desperately trying to convince Julian that Garak betrayed him. you'd also have the underlying anger and resentment Sisko already feels towards Garak, so this would be the perfect excuse for him to lash out and direct all his anger onto him, and he could pretty easily justify it as him JUST looking out for his officer and friend. hell, I think he'd even convince himself that that's what he's doing. its equal parts his way of trying to mend things with Julian, and him taking the opportunity to have retribution against Garak

and I think Julian would hate it! I think it would actively make things worse between him and Sisko. Julian is coming off of feeling used and betrayed by his commanding officer, and he also literally just dealt with his first encounter with Sloan and Section 31 and being put in a simulation where all his friends believed he was a traitor. this would no doubt be a very triggering event, and I think he would see Sisko's attempts to protect him as Sisko not believing in him and treating him like he's a naive child, ESPECIALLY after what just happened between them in ITPM. I think he'd properly blow up at Sisko. there would be massive fallout they'd have to navigate. id love to explore that

(also if we take ASiT stuff into consideration... Garak says that Julian knows about Sisko assaulting him in ITPM. that would also factor in majorly, and would be DELICIOUS if Julian blew up at Sisko over it, because all he knows of what happened in that episode is Sisko forced him into compromising his morals and that Sisko assaulted Garak)

from a narrative perspective id also keep it ambiguous up until the end whether or not Garak actually did betray Julian. id really want to have people wondering and thinking about it, id want it to be plausible that maybe he did actually do it. everybody's an unreliable narrator here and I am dragging everyone through the meat grinder until we get to the end, and no matter what happens, there would be severe consequences to all dynamics involved. it'd be so fun to write for Garak with this- im making that man be on the verge of a full mental break, just putting him at some of his absolute lowest, and his state would just make it even more confusing

id also want to explore Kira a lot in this one. her dynamic with Julian, and with Garak. I think it'd be soooooo interesting if she started off being fired up and angry and ready to kill Garak herself, only to be the one (along with Odo) probably to be investigating deeper into what happened and becoming uncertain. Kira being the levelheaded one next to Sisko's rage and desperation. Kira grappling with the idea of defending Garak, of all people. god, Odo would be fascinating to explore here, too- Odo and Garak are friends, and Odo has actually been tortured by Garak, and knows what he's capable of

this is something I dont know if id write it but ohhhh do I have ideas

[cassandragemini]

Giant au? Owo? How’s that happen what’s the premise what’s the deal

i got 2 oc aus for misha and tseren where 1 of them has size changing powers and theyre sappy and run heavily on fairy tale logic cause these are fun and self indulgent. theyre more like non-canon offshoots than full alternate timelines technically cause they have the same backstory but with some weird shit happening to them suddenly. anyway both of these are a case of me writing something and then attempting to retroactively justify it in the story so some details are still kinda fuzzy but the tentative explanation im currently going with is that both of these are in some way caused by a mountain spirit who has a soft spot for misha and tends to unexpectedly give blessings or grant wishes on rare occasions but usually with a interesting twist. shes not really malevolent but she does have a tendency to give extremely unasked for “gifts” just to see how people react

side note as a general rule i usually write giant characters as roughly 60 feet tallish cause thats the height you would need to be for a tall adult to be roughly equivalent to the size of your hand

the basic gist of the au where tseren has size changing powers is that he tends to have intense emotions and he grows as a physical manifestation of that type of almost overwhelming warm fuzzy feeling where your emotions feel a little too big for your body. misha is very physically affectionate and one night tseren is laying in her arms and he offhandedly wishes that he (9 inches shorter than his beautiful butch wifehusband) wasnt too small to hold misha in the same way and make her feel that same sense of safety. he has 0 reason to even consider the idea of a mildly bored spirit listening and granting this one random whim on a very strange technicality. tseren isnt like actually aware of this at the time so it is extremely nightmarish when hes in a good mood the next day and it suddenly feels like the walls of their house are beginning to close in around him. tseren is kind of neurotic about sudden change in general and has had a deep terror around the idea of his body changing against his will after witnessing mishas traumatizing first bear transformation so this feels extremely bad. misha had the sense to pull him out of an enclosed space before he got too big to fit but she cant do really much to help him beyond that and tseren is too agitated to let her touch him at all. after a several hour long panic attack he eventually does go back to normal but hes very freaked out about everything and remains skittish and avoidant for days. it takes like a full week for misha to gently coax him into actually talking about his feelings and to stop being so distant. when he does finally feel comfortable trying to pick misha up hes uncharacteristically anxious about her which misha finds extremely endearing. both of them end up drifting to sleep with misha curled up against tseren’s chest

the giant misha thing is a way less developed idea cause i only thought of it like a month ago based on a movie scene but rn its mostly one isolated and dreamlike scene in my head with tseren being kidnapped by some other outlaws for bounty money or something along those lines. misha tries changing into a bear to protect him but unexpectedly gets very very big instead. she's objectively terrifying looking to strangers so that scares their attackers off but she tries her best to kneel down low and speak softly to tseren. they are Confused to say the least but misha doesnt seem to be in distress and despite their fear around sudden change thats the thing they care about most so theyre mostly severely disoriented instead of terrified. when tseren tries getting up he realizes he injured his ankle slightly in the initial struggle and cant put weight on it so as a solution misha simply scoops him up (with permission ) and carries him home

tldr gently picking up your big strong butch is very cute and sweet

first art is by me and the second is by a friend who isnt on here + prefers privacy. third pic technically doesnt officially count cause its chibi misha but like its cute

[themindelectricdemo4]

i think to myself lke. back lke 2 year ago, im like...my friendship with my friends was so good, what happened?

really, i let myself go. i got a lot of disappointment in my regular life (couldnt get disability, more illnesses, treatment failing, family dying) i found that gong to college has helped me so much. because its like...setting a life for myself. getting a routine. having something to wake up for.

when all i wanted to wake up was for my friends, they were the brunt of everything, especially my moodiness that was becoming more & more unstable. i keep wanting to apologize but i hope i can form better wording in my head that articulates what i want to say the most (firstly that it doesnt justify my actions, and secondly, that im not crawling back to rekindle) im kind of stuck with overthnking it, so honestly.......it could be a world where i never directly apologize because i fear what my words sound like

i havent changed in that aspect in that i miss the connotation of my words often...maybe i could show it to my partner for proof reading, but i wouldnt want to involve a lot of people or anything ive accepted this is my human flaw & i continue to try & wrap my head around implications but it doesnt work. i do feel dumb ..oh well what can i do. i try to ask people to ask for clarification if they think something i said was weird (because if my intentions were mean ...i would want to make sure you knew for sure ...LOL.) but if they dont.. dont know what to do. but ive find in college, my friends ask me, they respect that, they make me feel like a human being & not some dumb (insert a barrage of slurs i could call myselfhere). self inflicted words..because i wish i could just learn social shit like a normal person & i feel dumb for not being able to mask this, or be able to study it enough to even pretend like i understand

im happy with the way my life is going now... i went to college, met my partner irl, i havent thought about genuinely kmsing myself in a good while now, like i couldnt go a month or two without planning it in my head, but im...actually doing good? its crazy...even my psych said she was so proud of me today saying she couldve never imagined me how i am today just because of how bad i was. i dont take that as a negative btw cuz thats me past tense. im proud of it.!!! really like, after whatever the fuck happened in august '23 i was like, ok. no more of this shit.

& it worked? i got all As, im in college. holy shit. the several times i would blow up on my friendsin the past into HUGE fights? the most heated i got was exactly one time where i snapped after a long day of being spoken over (by this person that i didnt particularly want to hang out with, as agreed upon with my friend because even that person agreed we didnt have a lot in common) & that...was it??? like im shocked. all my rage . gone . whar. .. & my friends are like.......they ask me what im doing/feeling based on things i do cuz they think im mad (the rbf & monotone voice) & im like oh!! oh my gosh no, im good! im sorry for worrying u & they were like oh! dw just checking. cuz i curated the baddest bitches of autistics who just get it fr . me & my current bestie we just ask each other the most blunt questions to get clarity on situations & i love that 4 us ... hes supa nice. love all my fends . but wow idk im proud of myself & this turned into a ramble where im positive cuz i was acually gettng mad at myself sadge but yea. i do wanna apologize but im afraid of being misconstrued & my paranoia over this manifests into probably never doing it. i got lving with my mother probably to blame fo r that (dont get me started on the shit she pulled over winter break that everyone in my family agrees she is ridiculous for with physical proof ok im reeling

[fbdo1986]

yknow actually i would pay an outlandish amount of money for the pool scene in fbdo to have had extended dialogue after ferris rescues cameron where sloane goes “i hate you!” (or perhaps fer and sloane say it to cam at the same time) and cam slyly goes “no you don’t.” and the two (or all three) go back and forth for half a minute 

[loveydive]

okay thoughts on stone ocean

i just wanna say that i feel like im in a unique position reading this since some common complaints abt opinions of stone ocean being negative is that ppl rushed thru it to get to sbr too quickly. which just does not apply to me bc i read sbr and jjl first before reading stone ocean teehee x so ya

likes

I LOVE JOLYNE SO MUCH THIS CANNOT BE UNDERSTATED. I LOVE. HER. SO. MUCH. THERE IS NOT ONE THING THAT I DONT LIKE ABT HER I LOVEHER SO MUCH. I LOVE HER DUMBASSNESS, I LOVE HER RECKLESS BEHAVIOUR TO SAVE HER FRIENDS THAT IS TYPICAL FOR A SHOUNEN PROTAGONIST BUT NEVER SHOWN THRU A FEMALE SHOUNEN PROTAG I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HER. i love her development. i love her. and shes liKE GENUINELY SMART IN BATTLES AS WELL. AND NOT LIKE GIORNO WHO HAS A WIKIPEDIA EMBEDDED IN HIS FRONT CORTAL OR SMTH. BUT LIKE PROPER BATTLE SMART THAT MAKES YOU GO OKAY I DID NOT THINK OF THAT. i love her flaws. i love how she has daddy issues and is complex abt loving her dad or not. i love that she loves her mum. love love love.

fights dont feel like villain of the week format. progresses nicely and logically imo. overall, there were some fights that just seemed to drag foreverrrr, but only 1 or 2 that i outright hated (unlike jjl lmao). fave arcs were white snake: pursuer, ff intro, bohemian rhapsody, heavy weather, c-moon, made in heaven just off top of head

versus was esp interesting as a minor villain. i felt his motivations were justified and it made him interesting. i esp liked the little tension btwn him and pucci and wish it had been expanded more.

perhaps unpopular opinion but i actually liked pucci as a villain. lots of ppl say that hes just another part 3 villain but More. and hes just a lamer version of dio which i just disagree with. i felt that his back story lended a lot to making him his own person, with dio being a mentor and kind of like the like shaping for why he believes what he does when he was dealing with his grief and guilt. like his backstory in particular i loved. the idea of coincidences, fate, tragedy. he obviously frequently questions it when we read his backstory (why did those two have to meet? why did the lady tell him about switching the babies? why did her baby die?) its like a series of events that all reached to a peak with the tragedy of his sister's death and weather's lynching. and AH im going crazy. and ofc he feels guilty over his but at the same time, he wonders why it all happened. because of fate? why was it fate for his sister to die? and he just feels powerlessness over this. CUHRAZYY. and how his stand abilities manifest in direct response to losing his sister?? LOVE THAT. oh my godddd and his relationship with weather and that quote 'you're the ultimate image of evil, but you dont realize that you're evil. this is what makes you the worst kind of evil.' SCREAM. ANW THATS HOW I INTERPRETTED HIM AND I LIKE HIM. TOP 3 JOJO VILLAINS EASY.

i REALLY REALLY liked weather report's backstory and relationship to pucci. LIKE THE DRAMA OF IT ALL. THROUGHOUT READING IT I WAS LIKE GIRLLLL WHY ARE YOU DOING THATTTT. IT FELT LIKE READING A TRAGEDY YK? LIKE SHAKESPEARE. LITERALLY SHAKESPEARE. romeo and juliet but incestuous (rip). even has themes of senseless hatred!!! (side not i cannot believe araki actually put the kkk in there and also weather being a BLACK MAN I WAS LIKE WAIT ARE WE DOING THIS FR?). anw really liked it. made pucci feel wayy more human and made the stakes feel more personal

i liked the character designs just in general. and even tho annasui looks like a diavolo ripoff, i think hes looks very pretty. found myself looking at him sometimes even if i dont rlly like him dgsauids

aside from jolyne, i feel like i REALLY liked f.f. perhaps a tad more than hermes. ff was so bubbly and unique to the story. she was absolutely hilarious and i wish she hadnt died so early in the story but i feel like araki just didnt know what to do with her anymore esp since she didnt have a stand.

i generally overall like the characters individually. they are all interesting to look at/ have interesting personalities, motivations and stands etc etc

i like the little exploration of jotaros weakness being his own daughter buttttt - will explain more in dislikes

dislikes

(dragon dreams arc) kenzo fight is bs - hate fights that are basically just like. im winning… just just bc i am!!! liek you could explain this whole new concept to me that describes how hes winning but if its just some astrology bs that essentially says ‘just bc’ then im calling bs. this fight is bs.

jailhouse rock was. hm. it was an interesting stand in CONCEPT. but execution was like not fun to read at all imo.

im gonna be honest. like compared to the other jojo gangs, this part felt the least like they were friends. EVEN COMPARED TO PART 5 - whose relationships i thought were like eh (prolly cause we’re watching it from giorno pov and giorno has only known them for like. a week LMAO) ANW i think its bc so many times, the gang had to split up to like fight. and i dont think there was a single fight where all of them just like fought tgt. it was always in pairs and one or so was always out of commission. like mannnn. like jolynes individual relationship with each of them was good. but the trio of girls only really felt like real friends and that doesnt last long since hermes gets put out of commission after her revenge and ff dies shortly after like WTF sadface. so like when weather dies and hermes is crying. im like girl why are you crying did you even interact with him 😭 AND i feel like the fact that the gang arent really friends makes itself REALLY obvious when in the c-moon arc. hermes gets hit and knocked away from everyone and. everybody just kinda. continues without her anw??? like THINK ABOUT IT WOULD ANY OTHER JOJO GANG LET THAT HAPPEN IN THE OTHER PARTS?? THEY JUST LEAVE HER?? HUH??

maybe im eheh, more boring, but i prefer my um stories to be a bit more grounded (says the girl reading literal jojo). but yeah the story in general was like super okay good. but the ending battle hm. was a bit too lets say. out there for me teehee. like guess im not a big fan of like space and all that and alternate realities on a grander scale. it was just like a LOT.

moving onto the most controversial thing i think. the ending. a lot of ppl hate it. some ppl love it. imo i had stronger (negative) feelings with the jojolion ending. the stone ocean ending was. eh. like i didnt vehemently hate it, nor did i love it persay. i felt that it was indeed a bit rushed. like araki was like oh shit! i need to end this in the next few chapters and did that dhasuiodasd. like the gang died so quickly i didnt even realise that they actually died i was like no way right.

ANW BACK TO THEMES OF THE ENDING. i wish it was more. like. if youre gonna rewrite the entire universe, at least have it mean something yk? bc even though the ending was technically happy, very happy. i dont think there was a justifiable reason for it i think? like it could have just as easily been an unhappy ending and i get how ppl are like its symbolism!! the joestars dont have to fight evil anymore and its meaningful bc an outsider ended it. (side note, i do think this story was a better way to start off the way jjl started ‘this is a story about breaking a curse’ can you imagine that at the start of stone ocean? ooo goosebumps) but anw, imo i just do not feel that it was set up properly or justified. emporio did not deserve to be the last one standing imo, there just wasnt enough reason or set up for him to be. the use of weather’s stand was satisfying but not the fact that is was emporio. i wish it had been jolyne i think idkk

like even tho it technically is a happier ending for the gang, it doesnt feel deserved in my opinion. like not bc theyre bad ppl and they dont deserve it or that they didnt work hard, like i LOVE THE CHARACTERS. but. hm. it doesnt make sense thematically is what im saying. the characters dont meaningfully engage with puccis notion that he should create a universe where everyone knows their fate and is happy. they kinda are just like. oh hes killed ppl and is evil so therefore, we must stop him!! and im just rlly? like dont you wanna hear him out a bit GDIASUDHASD but yeah i just feel like weather had stronger motivations in this regard. the gang just dont have really strong reasons to fight pucci. including jolyne who already got her father’s disc back

SPEAKING OF WHICH, UM. CAN WE HAVE MORE PAYOFF FOR JOTARO COMING BACK TO LIFE PWEEAASSEEE. like he comes back and its pretty badass ngl but i want MORE btwn him and jolyne. like how abt an apology old man? why does ANNASUI AND JOTARO TALK MORE THAN JOTARO AND HIS OWN DAUGHTER IM GONNA KILL MYSELFFFF like he tells jolyne that shes grown (which, sweet) but can he PLEASE JUTS SAY THAT HES PROUD OF HER OR SMTH?? PLEASE? YOURE JUST STATING A FACT THATS SHES GROWN HDUIASDHASD OLD MAN SAY SMTH MORE USEFUL IM GONNA BASH YOUR HEAD INNN. IF JOLYNE FORGIVES HIM SHE IS DOING ALL THE FUCKING LEGWORK HERE

THAT BEING SAID. even tho jolyne is meant to be the PROTAGONIST of this part, her role in the final final battle is HEAVILY DIMINISHED. AND IM LIKE HUH. LIKE THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE GET A FEMALE JOJO AND THE THREE MVPS IN THE END TURN OUT TO BE THE GUYS LIKE 😐 OKAY. at least in the other parts, their respective jojos actually FEEL like the protag. jonathan kills dio, joseph kills kars, jotaro kills dio, josuke heavily has a whole badass fight with kira, giorno oneshots diavolo, and jolyne... what DOES SHE DO IN THE FINAL FIGHT AGAIN? 😭 like annasui has diverdown and stuff, jotaro stops time which stops pucci a fair bit, and emporio literally kILLS pucci. EVEN THE STAND USED TO KILL PUCCI WAS WAETHERS LIKEEE PUHLEASEE. and im reading this and itS LIKE SORRY WASNT JOLYNE THE PROTAGONIST? literally after the c-moon arc, i cant really recall like anything SIGNIFICANT that she does despite having just read it yesterday. and it makes me sad bc um. i rlly like her

overall - 6/10 - top 3 protag and antag. the concepts are THERE but the execution was off. definitely more experimental but thematically, it just wasnt satisfying.

[sakkac]

re: fumetsu no anata e as of chapter 139.2

this started as a response to @bestbonnist​‘s post on chapter 139.2 but now i’m just dissecting differences and similarities between tonari, mizuha, and kahak like im writing an essay for a uni class. i interchangeably use he/they pronouns for fushi and my writing may be clumsy (bc im not actually writing for uni ❤️).

mizuha is a broken mirror to tonari (and kahak a foil to the two aforementioned) in this modern-day arc, especially in their expressions of love for fushi. tonari’s love for fushi is aged over hundreds of years and mizuha’s, at first glance, is an infatuation just based on how long they’ve known each other. im the biggest kahak stan ever, but even i understand kahak’s love started as an infatuation for parona’s form. though, i’d consider the word infatuation compromised when it comes to defining mizuha’s love, bc u cant be sure if her love for fushi is entirely her own, seeing as it had been passed from generation to generation of guardians.

(chapter 134, read right to left)

tonari and mizuha aren’t that different once you look deeply into the both of them. mizuha’s personality and actions are factors in tonari’s dislike of her, but what ultimately repels tonari from mizuha is that she knows they’re similar, and that manifests most clearly in how she reacts to fushi being with mizuha. i.e. resenting fushi for using her friends’ vessels to help their “love life” in chapter 135.5. she can’t stand mizuha bc mizuha is able to express her love for fushi and fushi does not reject (or accept) it; tonari still hasn’t fully admitted to herself that she likes fushi romantically (perhaps because she can’t separate it from the devotion that led her to harden her body to poisons and to promise her corpse to rest at fushi’s feet), so seeing mizuha appear to progress further than she has irritates her. as for kahak, tonari only has the biases of the other pseudo-immortals and her own of past hayase reincarnations to rely on. (this is not as plot-related, but these two also both like books. kahak read tonari’s fushi book, so i wish they actually met, but in a world where tonari didnt hate hayase beyond death.)

tonari as a child seemed like she thought herself superior to others, perhaps a natural result of her upbringing. she was raised on a prison island, but she herself never committed any crime; banding together w other kids like her, writing about her life in her book (which keeps her separate from or above others in a way). but this thinking ceases at her relationship w fushi. however, i believe this started before they even met. tonari’s childhood dream at seven years old was to write a book her father would be impressed by. she also used to believe in god, while her family was still whole. she even prayed to god when he decided to participate in the tournament in chapter 35. however, she stops referring to god by the time her father had shown tarnish. coincidentally, she meets fushi, who would “upend everything... jeannanda and [her] fate.” she ends up, instead of writing for her father, writing a book to allow a peaceful existence for fushi for whenever they decided to come back. this act shows that the adult tonari has written fushi to a level above her, out of her reach. 

(chapter 35)

here i’ll quote ray’s words about kahak and tonari: “she also has a surprising amount in common with Kahaku, too, with the ‘I want to protect you even if you disagree.’” the way tonari had waited and honed her body for fushi resembles kahak’s attachment; she had finished living for herself, so now she was only allowing herself to live to further create an ideal vessel for fushi (which also brings up one of hayase’s goals). the difference is that kahak lived for fushi because, as raikkousaki said, fushi was the only thing he was “ALLOWED to live for.” however, while tonari is unquestionably devoted to fushi now, what pulled her to him was black hood’s coercion. as a result of black hood’s words to her, she manipulated fushi into helping her solve her problems, to save her from the island. this first “meeting” also revealed that she was attracted to their white hair; she later admits that she admires their fair skin, contributing to the idea that she could view fushi as the equivalent of a god or at the least, a vision of purity (which is :/ imo, bc of her dark skin). we should also keep in mind that, this, technically her first impression of fushi, and his later display of violent immortality in the arena would further his image as a “legend.” 

mizuha was exposed to fushi’s immortality and reveres him like tonari and kahak respectively do and did. instead of the specific word “legend,” it’s “immortal monster.” her first formal exposure to fushi’s fabled power was not unlike tonari’s, since mizuha had went into her grandfather’s library and read on fushi in chapter 124.1. after this, she manipulates fushi to save her, again paralleling the beginning of tonari’s relationship with fushi, but it’s from her overbearing mother and herself. both tonari and mizuha forced their problems onto fushi, but mizuha doesn’t have black hood stepping in front of her saying “you must lead him.” instead, she may have been influenced by the left hand, but i believe mizuha’s thoughts are majorly her own (left hand lies in wait within mizuha’s consciousness like a predator), and what they appear to say is that she’s leading fushi until he decides to follow her willingly. as for kahak, we only have a few pages on his childhood and what we can make of it and of his actions as an adult is that he was willing to follow fushi wherever they went, until left hand betrayed them both.

mizuha’s superiority complex comes from a different place than young tonari’s; she was a prestigious child from young, in addition to her fear of her uniqueness fading as she aged. this caused her to feel separate from other children. when she meets fushi, she sees how different he is from everyone else and uses subtle ways to keep him with her, while never directly admitting she wants him to stay with her, except for ch 125′s “i’m scared. stay with me tonight,” after her mother’s sudden murder. she usually uses excuses instead, like cutely demanding fushi to walk with her after school and go on dates with her.

(chapter 36 vs. chapter 128.2)

as fushi was introduced to the people around tonari and mizuha, they received similar reactions, i.e. “your hair is so pretty!” and “woah, his hair is white!” in the pages following these, the similarities continue into tonari and mizuha gaining ownership over fushi: in ch 36 oopa declares “tonari found him. so he belongs to tonari,” while the islanders try to get on fushi’s good side, and in ch 128 fushi goes out of their way to ask which club mizuha belongs to when asked to join a club (vocalizing her claim on them so she doesn’t have to directly do so).

(chapters 38, 106, and 139)

when the opening comes for mizuha to actually admit her feelings in chapter 139, she tries, but demands instead, “so... love me.” this recalls kahak’s confession to kai in 105.3, that he wants to “protect fushi’s humanity.” kahak and mizuha were both covered in blood when they spoke, but the atmospheres and characters are different; mizuha is clever w her words, but still too immature to let go of her pride, whereas kahak was the exact opposite. he rid of himself of his pride for fushi when he was a child, but said a lot of the wrong things to fushi when it came down to it. additionally, mizuha, when she wants something, she’ll phrase her words so that it seems like there’s only one choice: to follow her. this has been the case for others including fushi (chapters 120.2′s testing of hanna with “if i died, would you cry for me?” and 132.1′s “i’ll teach you about love” and the following guilt-trip). tonari is more direct with her words and meaning than either mizuha or kahak, bc of her personality. she directly confronts fushi when she realizes he had felt betrayed by her in chapter 38, because she still needed him for his plans. but mizuha is more direct with her actions; in chapter 129.1, she latches herself onto fushi, while trying to get information out of him. after the failed marriage proposal, rather than physically attaching himself to fushi like mizuha, kahak used acts of domesticity and protection to subtly appeal to and maintain his space next to them.

(chapter 38 vs chapter 139)

tonari’s “there are people in this world who are better off dead” above isn’t far from the knockers’ reasoning behind “wishing for death is paramount to being dead” and the reason for mizuha’s mother’s death: left hand decided to “eliminate the cause of [mizuha’s breaking point’s] stress.” what this shows is that tonari can also justify murder, though granted, this is from a hundred chapters ago. however, this black and white thinking comes back in the modern era where tonari holds prejudice against mizuha because of her relation to hayase. tonari knows her dislike of mizuha is unfair, she can’t get around it. tonari is still as prideful as she was when she lived on jeannanda; it’s just that she is able to use fushi to justify her opinions now. i also want to bring up mizuha’s reaction to her mother’s death and funa’s knocker’s “purging and guidance.” mizuha seems comfortable with the sight of death, despite having a more normal childhood than tonari, because her actual main concern overwhelms it; she is always thinking on how she can appeal to fushi (almost like kahak), or in other words, how to salvage her pride. so instead of being concerned over being the actual murderer, she is concerned with appearing as a murderer to fushi.

so to actually answer ray’s question, objectively, tonari’s love is as excessive as kahak and mizuha’s. but personally, i think tonari’s love for fushi right now is also unhealthy, though it comes out of good will. kahak’s love also ended in fushi’s benefit, but it was undoubtedly unhealthy. and ofc, mizuha’s love is also unhealthy; she reaches for fushi for perfection, tonari reaches for fushi for humility.

[asherisimmortal-archive]

tfatws weekly ask 5

this episode has no plot. tfatws's pacing is garbage but im here for plotless fluff and ship-building (both literal and figurative 👀)

theyre in love your honor

blood on the shield! blood on the shield! kinda wish they did more with that symbol (sam wipes it off with his hand, and in the next scene the shield is totally clean, if you're gonna be unsubtle, then start there...)

i know sam giving joaquin the falcon suit is setup for joaquin becoming the falcon in sam's place, but in context, joaquin must have been like "well great, thanks for handing me this pile of garbage sam". c'mon sam, if you're gonna give the wings to joaquin at least do it when 1) you're sure you want to give up the mantle (at this point he doesn't yet know if he wants to be captain america) and 2) the wings aren't broken so you don't seem like you're handing him a bunch of trash he has to salvage

i'm glad the writers & sam are treating isaiah with respect...to some extent. sam disagrees with him, but concedes that if he went through what isaiah went through he'd think the same thing. there's so many black characters who essentially boil down to "i'm Strong and have Morals and i'm an idealist" because if they weren't idealists they'd be too anti-establishment. the fact that sam wilson and monica rambeau are basically the same character isn't a coincidence. marvel can't center a piece of media around, for instance, an isaiah bradley, because his disillusionment is at odds with 1) the way the narrative has to go to maintain that MCU mass appeal, and 2) the nature of Marvel/Disney as a corporation itself.

i choose to believe either malcolm spellman or kari skogland moonlights as a sambucky ao3 writer

you might have noticed that sam and bucky's homoerotic tension definitely manifests differently than steve and bucky's. here's my hypothesis: steve and bucky's appearances together were inspired by war movies (ca:tfa), which shows homoerotic tension in one way, then the russos took over his franchise and made it really heterosexual, somehow steering clear of any moments that might possibly be perceived as gay (like, steve and bucky's hug in infinity war? the russos said that was because they had already seen each other beforehand. we don't get any emotional reunion because 2 men displaying emotional intimacy is gay.) with the russos, it was one of those situations where the writing heavily broadcasted that they're soulmates but the direction was to steer away from any moments that were remotely intimate. but tfatws explicitly draws on buddy cop movies, which were often intentionally queer-coded (i've watched like 2 video essays about queercoding i know what i'm talking about /s). that's how we get sam and bucky having a lot more time together in this series, getting close, and rolling around in a field like the gay idiots they are. basically, they're all gay, but at least tfatws is based in a genre that leans into the gay a bit more

i saw a post about the yellow filter in isaiah's neighborhood in ep2. i also noticed the filter this ep, but it was kinda justified this time since it was nighttime and incandescent house lightbulbs and street lamps tend to be orange

friendly reminder i love when the show is unsubtle thematically but the dialogue tends to feel less like people talking and more like getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer

one time when the lack of subtlety totally works is the racism stuff. because racism is such an uncomfortable topic for (white) families to actually talk about, it makes sense to broadcast that theme super loudly so that white families are forced to have those discussions. anthony mackie said as much about the show; we need shows that spread discussion to those that don't want to have it. the fact that we have isaiah bradley and sam wilson very explicitly talk about what it means to be Black in America is super unsubtle and that's important. isaiah's whole storyline is ripped right out of tuskegee

sarah wilson's situation is really sad. i'm pretty sure it was one of those situations where the actress said "let's make this character actually interesting" and the writers were like "great! let's ignore that". in an interview with adepero oduye (you can see here), she says the following: “Before [Malcolm Spellman and Kari Skogland] could really share much with me, I wanted to make sure that Sarah was not just there to pat a man on the back or to stroke an ego,” Oduye explained. “So I’m thankful for the space that was created. It allowed us to dive into [the Wilson family], ask questions, think about things and change things, if needed, within the dialogue to make it very clear, specific, and grounded."

sarah telling sam and bucky they were no longer needed on the ship was code for "ok boys go on your date now"

shameless extremely cheesy rocky training sequence featuring anthony mackie's extremely toned arms was almost perfect except not enough of mackie's famous thighs

so did sharon call batroc? if she did, does that mean she's working with the flag-smashers? if not, is he a double agent? for who?

i choose to believe j*hn w*lker's reunion with lemar's family is caricatured/ironic. he goes back there, straightup lies to lemar's parents about having killed his killer, and then the parents cry some and talk about how honored lemar was to be captain america's "partner". i'm not sure what exactly this is saying about the "black best friend" trope but there's no way this is happening unironically

Okay so I spent at least twenty minutes writing a response to this but I accidently deleted it and I’m too sad about it to rewrite it so I’m just going to say that I agree with everything you said 

[bellamygateoldblog]

how do we feel about bellamy abandoning a suicidal octavia in a toxic forest in the name of monty, 'monty gave his life for us so we could have another change, and im not going to let you destroy it' who repeatedly made it clear in his final season that he wished he did more to save jasper

…we don’t feel great about it. Lol.

Got a little carried away. Apparently I had a stronger opinion on this on this than I thought I did.

There’s an LT;DR at the bottom if you don’t feel like reading the whole thing :)

The Blake relationship is a really complicated one. And I think how you see this event in particular depends on how you interpret this dynamic during the rest of the show, and how sympathetic you are towards Octavia as a character.

I want to start with this: the second chance was Monty’s to give, and only Monty’s. Bellamy doesn’t get to dictate who that message does and does not apply to, because Monty made it perfectly clear he holds no grudges, and wants the best for what’s left of the human race regardless of who they’ve been in the past or what they’ve done. That’s the whole point of ‘doing better’. He just wants everyone to do better than they did, whichever way that is. Monty didn’t specifically say ‘oh but not Octavia she can choke’ so therefore Bellamy had no right to be cowering behind Monty’s words.

He’s telling them to try a bit harder to be more understanding, compassionate, and rational. He wants them to choose to be farmers rather than warriors- to rebuild rather than destroy, to grow rather than deforest, to choose peace over war no matter what. It means a lot more than just ‘hey! maybe don’t go on another genocidal rampage?’

And by abandoning/banishing Octavia, Bellamy did the opposite of what Monty wanted. It almost felt, as i was watching, like he’d sentenced her to death. Like Clarke was banishing Murphy all over again. Or like he was Clarke abandoning him to die in the fighting pits. And I don’t know…repeating old mistakes doesn’t exactly scream ‘doing better’ to me.

Maybe this was Bellamy’s way of ridding the toxicity from the group?

But deciding she’s a lost cause and leaving her there, a clearly mentally unstable woman (and not only just some ‘woman’, but the baby sister he’s shared his life with), on an alien planet that none of them even know is safe at this point, or if it’s inhabited with hostile entities, from some moral high horse/manpainTM point of view is so low. It’s unearned at this point in the series.

Our attention was drawn to how hard it was for him. How upset he was after he did it. Rather than to Octavia and how she felt about it. It brought me back to that moment in season five, to how the camera focused in on Clarke’s pained teary-eyed expression while the child she was electrocuting was a blurry spot the background. Just what the fuck? Is all i have to say about that. He was very much Clarke in this moment; pulling a lever, leaving someone he loves on the outside *for the people* and feeling a bit ashamed but justified about it regardless.

She was trying to do the S1 Bellamy thing and stowaway to an alien planet to protect the one she loved. But the emotional fallout of season five was immense and both of them were way too amped up for any of it to go as planned. Which makes me wonder why the writers even attempted it in the first place?

But let’s just take a minute to think about how reckless and borderline insane this whole decision is from Bellamy- this is the girl who started out an illegal child, unwanted by the people she was born into, who assimilated with the indigenous people, earned their respect, found belonging with them until ultimately she became their leader. Like, if you really thought she was this much of a hazard, throwing her adaptive ass into the wilderness ready to meet another set of warrior people maybe isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had?

HOWEVER

I’m not actually opposed to a detail like this. Because of the unhealthy and sometimes poisonous nature of the Blake sibling relationship. And because they both absolutely needed time apart if Octavia were ever to grow out of Blodreina.

No matter what Monty never gave up on Jasper. But Jasper was usually self-destructive and didn’t act out emotionally using violence like how Octavia does so naturally. He could be a pain in Monty’s ass from time-to-time, but Jasper was never a threat to anyone but himself.

Bellamy cast Octavia out because she killed those guards unnecessarily. She hadn’t yet reflected on what became of her, nor had she processed any of the trauma from the bunker and following battle for Eden, in which some of the heaviest casualties were her most important relationships, with Indra, and with Bellamy. As convinient as it was to utilise violence as a tool for maintaining power, law, and order within the bunker…they aren’t in the bunker anymore, and she is no longer someone with a crushing responsibility.

Was any of that Bellamy’s fault? No.

Was it Bellamy’s job to ‘fix’ her? No.

(Do I think Monty would encourage him to mend their relationship anyway after losing his best friend and brother? Yes.)

But as her big brother and psudo-father, someone that spent his entire life protecting and taking care of her, the bare minimum i’d expect from him in a situation like this is for him to show some empathy, listen to the whole story from her point of view rather than basing his entire livelyhood on the biased accounts of a couple of Wonkru defectors, and make an attempt to understand why she is no longer the baby sister he remembers her being. If anyone was in the position to understand her- her behaviour, her mindset, the weight of leadership and how it shapes a person, and the pressure of making potentially morally corrupt decisions to ensure the people’s safety putting your humanity on the line for it- it’s him.

This was just cheap drama in place of where they could’ve written a meaningful conflict between them.

It was an oppurtunity to address Octavia’s past treatment of him, their co-dependence, their mother, Bellamy deeply believing his life was stolen from him and Octavia feeling she never had a chance to begin with, Bellamy’s inclination to make himself smaller so Octavia can take up as much space as she possibly can, both of their perverse insecurities that manifest in equally debilitating ways, Bellamy’s skewed sense of self pushing him to orbit around her, Octavia’s identity issues and lack of socialisation and resulting narrow black-or-white mindset, I could go on and on. There’s so so much content here to explore. There’s so much stress and pain in this relationship. It’s a shame that despite all that they decided to go omg cannibalism!!!!!!!!

Octavia took forever to forgive Bellamy for what happened to Lincoln, she demonised him, she attacked him over it in one of the most grotesque and unhinged displays of violence i’ve ever seen, and that wasn’t even his fault. I think we can afford Bellamy the same amount of room.

If this ‘banishment’ was the long-time-coming storm of past trauma of their intertwined existences that has long since been buried, if the time of physical peace spent on the ring building a family of his own pushed Bellamy to make a realisation or two about love and family, and the stressful draining qualities of his relationship with Octavia began to morph into resentment of her, and all this abandonment is, is just a beautifully crafted, carefully maintained facade collapsing between them, I WOULD LOVE IT. It’s understandable. But I need to see them have it out with each other first. If nothing is addressed, if they still go on carrying those things around and never find closure, not only is that hindering Octavia’s growth, but Bellamy’s, too.

But none of that happened in season six. Instead i got to see yet another female with her autonomy ripped from her and i got to see manpain.

Over time she supressed any parts of herself that would make her appear weak. It was always going to take time to pull herself out of that dark place and find a way to shape an identity that isn’t based in something that can easily be ripped away from her. So removing her from the group to find ‘the self’ is a good choice. But it had to be her choice.

I think if everything had blown up and Octavia had chosen to leave on her own volition because she recognises her own tragedy and calamity and wants to do what’s right, it would’ve been the perfect place to begin a redemption/reflection arc for her. With self-awareness. What do they say? The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one in the first place?

In an answer to another ask I said it would make some sense for Bellamy (and Clarke & Spacekru) to be unintentionally hypocritcal and judgemental considering the time distance between their last violent experience and how long they’ve had to make peace with the past. While Octavia was in the most stressful position she’s ever been in, and right in the thick of things for the six years that everyone else spent healing and maturing in.

So we have Bellamy as his most reassurred, most contented self- and he comes to Earth, he comes face-to-face with an unhinged Octavia, and is overwhelmed immediately with biased and incomplete information recapping the last six years during an erratic situation with enemies. I’d be confused and paranoid, too tf?

Bellamy loves Octavia more than life. But she’s morphed into a woman he no longer recognises and it could even come as a personal betrayal to him. He’s been disconnected from her for six years. He’s no longer intoxicated by his love and devotion to her. And he’s having a hard time accepting that the baby sister he thinks the world of is capable of such cruelty. So he’s having trouble forgiving her for it. I think it makes a lot of sense. Except, again, they never addressed anything like this.

Season five Bellamy I get. I’m sympathetic to him just as I am Octavia.

But in season six he appeared, not like he was acting on years of supressed emotional turmoil, but like he was on some moral high horse looking down on her from it.

The end of season five left things open, and there was a lot of potential there for things between them to improve, but season six took it and threw it out the nearest window. And we saw Octavia crawling on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness from a man that 1) doesn’t want her, 2) doesn’t respect her, 3) refused to listen to her, and 4) only accepted her once she was the woman he wanted her to be, who was now no longer traumatised.

TL;DR: I’m not opposed to the whole idea of them seperating in season six, with Octavia being the castaway, but it should’ve been Octavia’s choice, not Bellamy’s. And I think Monty might be disappointed that this was what (season six) Bellamy took away from his video on ‘doing better’. To ‘do better’ he decided to choose just one person that can represent all the evil that exists within both his people and himself and throw her out the dropship door. Problem solved! But there are many ways in which I think the writers could’ve done a lot more with this idea, and a lot better, too.

[thefeckisthis]

manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

 with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended  to their culture.  so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist."  and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights 

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that. 

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism  ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism. 

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been  reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all  - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation  come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation. 

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it. 

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you. 

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

[semperreformanda]

How do I know if im elect or not elect and just being used as a tool of God to help others see salvation and im actually just destined to damnation. Just because I want God doesnt mean anything? Lots of people could want God and then just be being used right?

“Wanting God” could mean a myriad of things. It could mean that you want God for the sole purpose of getting what you want–using God as a genie for your own sinful desires and wishes. Or it could mean you want God because you know the seriousness of your sin and you’re desperate for Him and you see His goodness and glory and mercy and now it’s impossible to look away.

Which of these two things do you identify with? Because it could very well answer your question regarding the assurance of your salvation.

Anyway, it makes me so sad that the doctrine of election is being misunderstood in this way.

The doctrine of election teaches this: before the foundations of the world, God has chosen people in order to manifest His glory. Some for destruction, some for salvation; one receives justice, the other, mercy. The Bible says those who are His will know His voice and they will follow Him. And those who received Him were given eternal life, and no one will take them from the Father’s hand. The Spirit will work in them continuously until the day of the Lord Jesus Christ. We can say the purpose of the elect has been set in stone–predestined, called, justified, and then finally, glorified.

But that doesn’t mean the elect doesn’t have a responsibility. The Bible calls for the Christian to “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling”. Don’t forget the message you believe! Don’t forget what Christ did for you on the cross! Don’t forget the God who saved you from sin and wrath! The Bible calls us to die to ourselves–crucify the flesh and carry our cross each and every day. This is no easy task, but the Spirit enables us. Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling…for it is God who works in you.

How do you know you’re elect? When you love God and want to obey Him. When you see the wretchedness of your own sin and you know there is no hope for you outside of the Lord Jesus Christ. When you understand that the world is fleeting and there’s nothing for you here, that true joy and hope and peace is only found in Christ. When you live a life of repentance and continuous trust and hope in the Lord. When you realize that, I think it’s pretty safe to say that God has opened your eyes to His Gospel.

Therefore, work out your salvation. Trust in Him all the more. He who called you will be faithful to finish the work He’s doing in you!

[nursexpeditions]

i’m bracing for the worst and hoping for the best, trying to make sense of the madness in my head

I felt so much that I started to feel nothing. One of the hardest battles we fight is between what we know and what we feel. It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I withdraw from people and places from time to time. I need space from a world that is filled with millions of mouths that talk too much but never have anything good to say. 

These thoughts, they’re sharp enough to tear through my bare skin, through my muscle, then slowly eat away at my bones, and before you know it, they’re cutting away at my heartstrings. My heart beats, so loud and so fast that you’d think I was running for the gold medal at an Olympics event. Anxiety so fierce not even a Xanax or a bottle of liquor would be able to calm the storm I’m fighting. All i see is the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer, and like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience, a room in hell with only my name on the door.

I hear “what's wrong” or “you’re overthinking.” A blank screen appears in my head and I think to myself who have I become? What has made me into this monster? I look in the mirror and only do I realize that it’s been me this whole time. How inconvenient when you’re the firestorm burning everything in your path. 

“But he that dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.”

In these instances, I wanted to tell you how impossible it feels in these situations. It’s like trying to hold water in the palm of your hands, like trying to prevent an ice cube from melting in the summer, like attempting to run through the water. It’s not possible, yet here I try so hard. 

Someone with anxiety is inclined to assume everyone is going to leave. So much so that sometimes they might be the ones to ruin a relationship. I ruined many things that could’ve been amazing just because I was sad. 

The truth is, I battle something I can’t control and there is a sense of insecurity within myself when it comes to relationships. It’s hard sometimes. I create stupid fights of scenarios that I created in my head. I’m going to jump from point A to point B without even knowing all the details, and sometimes you’re not even going to understand how I got there. The best thing you can do for me is understanding how I went off on that tangent. Even if there’s no solution, the act of listening helps. I know in your eyes, it might seem irrational; but to me, it’s something that actually keeps me up at night, and I probably won’t sleep through the night because of it. It’s definitely not that I don’t trust you, but because I’m more scared than anything. 

It’s every worst-case scenario automatically playing out in my head and trust me, I already hate myself for it. By now you’ve probably noticed how fast i answer you, and for example, it helps when you say i can’t talk right now and this is why i’ll text you later. Silence kills anyone with anxiety and creates a hostile environment for problems that aren’t even there. It ends in apologies that aren’t even needed and adds layers of stress to my life that I wish i could control. 

I’ve realized my anxiety manifests in two ways, i’ll either be quiet and awkward, or you’ll be carrying me out as I choose my poison to ease my worries. Whether its a night out gone wrong, or an essay of a text saying or doing the wrong thing, I’m very observant and pick up on the slightest shift in behavior.

I would rather have meltdowns biting off more than I can chew because I have a hard time admitting I can’t handle something. I will always say yes and I will never turn anyone away which is my biggest weakness. I say help when you can but know when you can’t because I’m inclined to not ask for help since I’m used to dealing with things on my own.

..But that’s exactly where i’m flawed. The deepest pain i ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable. Just because I bury something doesn’t mean that it stops existing. I was willing to suffer as long as you had what you wanted in life to make you happy. Where do you draw the line in sacrificing too much of yourself to make a relationship work? 

For a while, I kept telling myself I was dealing with it the way that i am currently and doing this for the success of our relationship and that was enough for me at the time, but if i’m being honest, the more I think about it and the more time i spend with you, the more i want to move on with my life with you and if you feel the same, i need to feel or see that you’re taking the steps to as well. 

I get that the situation itself is complicated, but lets face it, that will never change. It’s like we’re waiting for it to miraculously uncomplicate itself one day, but in reality, it never will. I realize now i’ve been waiting for a day that will never come. Because at the end of each day, what are we REALLY waiting for? What will taking more time do for anyone? You and her will forever have history. You and her will always be close friends. You are a part of her life just as you are a part of mine and that’s something i’ve accepted just as she’s accepted that I am your significant other now (so you say). IThe most important question here is, what will waiting or taking up more time do for anyone? More time to be prepare ourselves? More time to be “ready” to face the inevitable? If anything, we are only prolonging the inevitable. 

But hey, you did have a point, there is a certain justified amount of “time” we should take before going to the next step, but that justified length of time for that window, in my opinion, has certainly passed.

I continually feel like the bad guy whenever i tell you that i’m uncomfortable with your interactions with her. It first started just as hanging out with her, but then it got more complicated to having to switch off being butters caretaker, traveling from city to city, at times having to be okay with your stay over for your own health and well being, and honestly the hard truth is that i’m just expected to deal with it. I know you ask and try to do things that will help alleviate all my anxiety but when will enough be enough? now family interactions? i didn’t even think it could get worse, and i must sound like the most fucking horrible selfish devil human being on this fucking planet because who in their right mind is even uncomfortable in a situation like this? I mean that takes one special fucked up person??? 

If we put all the cards on the table, its clear that I don’t think anyone will ever truly be prepared or ready for this, but it’s a bridge that needs to be crossed for the health of this relationship and i hope that you agree with me. I need to know i’ll be set up for success moving forward in this relationship because it’s absolutely nearly impossible to be supportive of you, trying to be supportive of her, let alone someone that has always been a threat to me. Its just not a good feeling for me. If she’s not a threat to me, then please help me see that. I want to be able to communicate with the people that are closest to you without feeling like i’m in the shadows. I don’t know how i’m supposed to go on knowing there’s this microportion of you that i want to know that i know nothing about because we aren’t ready to face the music. I need some sort of assurance that there will be steps taken to facilitate this change i think is essential to our relationship.

My thoughts have driven me so far that I’ve had completely absurd thoughts where there’s an instance where I can’t go out with your chino friends with you because she’s there but then when she’s not its absolutely okay to come. I used to make excuses that would validate me not going because i dont know them, but i’ve met and hung and talked to all of them and i’d say we all get along. But what do you do when those “overthinking” thoughts actually turn into reality? I don’t think i’ve told you but I’ve been in situation that I presumed worst-case scenario in my head that has permanently scarred me and has worsened my anxiety episodes since. In a perfect world, I imagine a future with both my friends and your friends in one room regardless of their relationship to you or i and i think thats why it’s so important to me to move forward and finally get some peace of mind. 

I know my feelings are valid and it has been reinforced many times. We have plenty conversation about its importance and therefore I know that my feelings matter and are important. I’m continually uncomfortable in this situation and something has to change. Im not proud of any of this because i know that it’s so fucking ugly to feel and be this way and it’s unattractive more than anything and i feel so fucking ashamed of myself having to even stoop this low. I feel an itching desire to tear off my own skin on my body to get myself out of the outfit i hate most on myself, on my own person. I itch to be better for you and constantly feel like i’m failing myself, failing you, failing us for not being able to get over my fucking self and tormenting thoughts. 

As i dig deeper into my core, i find that it’s most terrifying for me because I’ve never met someone capable of calming my storm. Those overwhelming anxious grey heavy clouds weighing over my shoulders or those lonely strikes of anxiety and depression. But you hold my hand and I swear my breaths come easier; maybe you make me feel safe, or maybe your smile pushes the hurricane out into the ocean.

If there’s something I’m good at in this life, its love. If there’s something I will stand for and be proud of in this body of mine, it’s my ability to show you how much i adore and appreciate you. It took a while to build trust, but now that we’re in this place, my hope is that my capacity to love you will fill you in ways you didn’t know were empty or even missing something. My one hope is that you can see past my imperfections and fight to help waver through them with me. I endure because i love. I survive because I endure. I win because I love.

[tumblunni]

How do I write an autistic villain without demonizing autism by accident? ;-;

I’m not really sure why you’re messaging this to me. I’m really sorry but I’m not an expert on like.. political stuff about autism stereotyping, just because I’m autistic. And it depends on which country you live in, I know that america has a far more visible sort of cultural presence for stereotypes, due to the whole Autism $peaks controversies. I dont live in america and I’m not super smart or anything, so yeah this is a disclaimer that this is just my opinion and you should probably research answers given by other people too. And maybe ask people about the specific circumstances of what you’re writing, like the context of the setting of the story and what the villain is like, etc. I’d be happy to chat to you about that if you need help! (but again, im no expert, lol)

ANYWAY!

My opinion on the subject is that having an autistic villain is perfectly fine, as long as you’re not villainizing autism. Like...* Don’t make the autism the reason theyre a villain.* Don’t make people scared of them because of the autism, rather than because they’re a villain.* Don’t treat their autistic traits as scary or inherantly villainous.* Don’t make anyone insult them for their autism and act like its justified because they’re evil.

And similarly its bad form to do any of that stuff in regard to any sort of minority really. An example that always bugged me is how Excellus from Fire Emblem Awakening is scary and evil because he’s a murderous monster, yet everyone in the game constantly insults him for the fact he acts ambiguously gay/transgender/effeminate. Like, there’s way too many jokes about people finding him ‘disgusting’ because of some random thing he can’t change, like a sexuality, race or mental illness which plenty of non-evil people have too! It also lessens his impact as a villain because the characters barely even address the actual villainous things he does, and he doesnt seem to have any motive at all. They just ride on the whole ‘the audience will find him gross’ thing as a crutch and forgot to bother writing a good villain.

Oh, and your concerns are indeed valid, yo! Sometimes it is important to think about the context you created a character in, even if you didnt intentionally create any negative messages within your writing.It’s just that the case where a character will be seen as villainizing [minority trait] for being a villain... that’s kind of only in a very specific circumstance? its just that this specific circumstance is very very common in mass media nowadays.It’s ‘The Smurfette Principle’.If you only have one character of a minority in your cast, its easy for an uninformed audience to pick up messages that you’re saying ALL members of that minority are the same as them.If you only have one autistic character and he’s the villain, then you might accidentally be villainizing him. In a world where autistic characters being villainized for their autism is already very common, people could just assume you made them autistic for the same reason all those other writers did- because they think it’s ‘scary’. It feeds the stereotype even if you didn’t conciously intend it that way.

So a very very easy way to fix this problem is just to add multiple characters of a minority into your story, filling various roles from villain to hero to helpful npc. or anything you can think of!

Another good quick fix is to have your villain be autistic, but portray their autistic traits as sympathetic/relateable/a humanizing aspect of them. Not just portraying it as something neutral that doesnt make them scary, but going out of your way to add some scenes showing how they’re just like anybody else. Or even making it one of their redeeming traits!It doesn’t have to outright be something like ‘yo being autistic makes me inherantly good and childlike’, which is a stereotype all to itself, lol. But you could show them experiencing predjudice from another character, in a way that makes the audience sympathise. Honestly having a character attack them for being autistic instead of being a villain would be a good way to do this, as long as that character is actually shown as being wrong for what they’re doing. Or simply showing the villain having common autistic traits, facing common problems, doing common everyday things... that can be enough to portray autism positively. Have them shown doing this stuff outside of the situation of them being villainous. It makes them feel more human and less of an abstract symbol of evil. And because these small glimpses of normality are lightening the mood, they become seen as a positive aspect!

KIND OF AN OFFTOPIC TANGEANT SORRYJust my personal experience as an autistic kid experiencing this story... I personally headcanoned Cyrus from pokemon as autistic. Not because he’s ‘scary and emotionless’, but because his backstory was relateable to me as an autistic person. It’s said that his parents were emotionally abusive, and that he had nobody to turn to because everyone thought he was ‘a creepy kid’. And he was able to find solace by obsessing over repairing machines in his bedroom, and apparantly has trouble understanding people because they can’t be fixed as easily. Stuff like maths and science are kind of a stereotypical Special Interest for autistic children to be given in fiction, I guess because it makes you seem more intelligent when you obsess about that instead of video games, norse mythology, or collecting tiny novelty spoons from around the world XD (Yeah i was a weird kid.)So yeah sorry I went a little offtopic there, but the point is that it might have been by accident instead of intention but that villain has a lot of traits that read as autistic. And when i first played Diamond and Pearl I actually disliked him a lot because of that, I felt like they were villainizing someone who seemed relateable and potentially redeemable. I mean, he seemed pretty depressed too! Give that man some therapy! But when I played Platinum and got to learn his backstory I started to feel like the writers actually did want us to feel sympathetic to him, because of how all those ‘scary’ traits were presented so sympathetically. Like.. the backstory isn’t that he became evil because he was an autistic kid who did creepy things like obsess about machinery and suck at social contact. No, he became a villain because he was abused by his parents, him being ‘weird’ is just intended to make it clear here that he didnt deserve it. It makes him pitiable, it makes him relateable, it makes you feel so much more frustrated that nobody listened to him and saved him from that hell, and nobody even seems to remember him fondly, just because he was ‘weird’. And hell, even his ‘emotion is evil’ philosophy seems very relateable to me as an autistic child. It seems like he learned to seclude himself to avoid angering his parents. That’s the impression I got from his final scene in Platinum, where he finally acts angry at you for beating him, then gets angry at himself for expressing emotion and forces himself to go back to how he usually talks. I get a bit pissed off whenever I see fans of the series claim he actually IS emotionless, lol! This scene made it clear to me that this is just a guy who WISHES he was emotionless, somehow seeing it as the only way to be free of pain. Someone who struggles to deal with his own emotions, or feels like he’s disgusting when he expresses them. And this is VERY relateable specifically to an autistic kid who suffered from an abusive parent! “Quiet Hands” is a kind of common concept that autistic kids might experience, that’s the name for a popular ‘parenting technique’ that really fucks people up. Focusing on making your kid never ‘act autistic’, rather than actually helping them understand things. ‘Quiet Hands’ is specifically about slapping or smacking your kid whenever they show stimming behaviour. (Hand flapping being a common way this symptom can manifest.) We’re taught never to be too loud, and to always always have to restrain ourselves to avoid embarassing our parents. We have to try and learn how to act like ‘normal people’ and become scared of harmless parts of our own brain just because theyre ‘embarassing’, leading to even worse emotional problems as an adult. i mean seriously how is it logical to tell a kid who has troubles with social interaction that they shouldnt even practise it?? Plus its a huge mess to teach these kids to do way more emotional labour than neurotypical kids are expected to do, and then treat them like they’re below average intelligence for not being able to do twice as much as everyone else...

ANYWAY! That’s a thinG! Sorry I went rambling off there about how a particular fictional character touched my heart, lol!I just kinda wish he could be canonically autistic, or if I had similar canonically autistic characters to relate to, instead. So i think having more autistic villains can’t be bad, we’re so badly in need of more autistic characters in general! And villains have a unique perspective of being able to hit our emotions the hardest. I think its easier to cry over someone who has a sad backstory of how they became evil, compared to anything else!So yeah what I was trying to say before I went offtopic is that if the backstory is ‘became evil because autism’, then people will complain. But if the backstory is ‘became evil because someone mistreated them because autism’ then that’s a good way to make people sympathise with autism. Aaaaand I’m bad at explaining this, because autism XD Well, i mean, my personal symptoms and lack of diagnosis til I was an adult means that I’m still working on learning how to communicate correctly, I don’t mean every autistic person writes terrible tl;dr advice posts that degrade into pokemon XDOh man i feel embarassed now, you asked me such a polite question and I didnt know how to answer it very well...I just hope maybe I inspired you to go out and do more research, rather than putting you off with my nonsense!