#this is so long i just have sooo many feelings ab mike

[pinkmandias]

im thinking ab mike again and i just. love moments in the gilliverse where mike is disillusioned with gus or challenges him on shit bc it goes against the audiences initial perception of him where he functions as gus’ primary sort of “yes-man”.

like his near pleading to not have to kill werner & his insistence that they find some way to not just outright kill nacho after using him like his life means nothing are what makes him human to me.. (he still does these terrible things & has to live with them obviously but it’s so important to me that even years & years in he still questions his orders) & i wonder if he didn’t (he did) also see the similarities in the way gus treated nacho as less than human/“a dog” & the way walt treated jesse.

walt was apt to use a heavier & more inexperienced hand than gus used to manipulate jesse (& others) in brba, but the way gus treats nacho in bcs (also seemingly heavy handed & inexperienced) is just. eerily similar. to the extent that it’s hard to put into words but has to be so obvious to mike who was so affected by nacho’s death that he reached out to his father in an attempt to comfort himself…

walt has his claws in jesse even deeper than gus could have ever imagined with nacho, though, with years of trauma bonding between them and a preexisting student & teacher dynamic and with jesse also functioning as the scapegoat & the “dog” i cannot imagine how wearily mike had to have come to that realization. like. i would also be as emotionally standoffish & hesitant to show jesse anything other than the most stone cold demeanor if yet another figure walked into my life to bring out my dormant paternal tendencies & warm and protective feelings only to eventually be violently taken (sometimes by my own hands) from me yet again

[highhhfiveee]

mint

pairing: mike schmidt x blackfem!reader summary: you’re abby’s mint chocolate-loving babysitter. mike takes notice. wc: 1.3k tags: suggestiveness, swearing, fluff. *minor movie spoiler that isn’t a spoiler fr but kind of is* a/n: oi. this is my first official piece of fanfic on tumblr and i'm excited but also super nervous. i never knew what characters i wanted to write for as most of my fandoms are obsolete tbh (teen wolf and maze runner, i'm looking at you 💔) but after watching the fnaf movie and falling in love with j hutch like i'm 14 again, i wanted to try to write for mike!  i'm sorry if this story sucks tbh. i wrote it pretty quickly, did not edit it in any way (watch for grammar and spelling errors!) and i'm still trying to establish characters and plot and do all this silly billy worldbuilding, but i'll get better! i'm also taking requests for both fluff and smut, so if y'all would like to send anything for me to write, i'll def accept! like i said in my last post, i think i'm gonna redo my tumblr layout so i can feel like a true fanfic/misc blog lmao so ignore its under construction phase ((: i hope y'all enjoy this though bc i've been thinking ab mike schmidt all night 

i have sooo many ideas, but between last night and this morning, i’ve been thinking of abby’s babysitter!reader (bc fuck max). 

you’ve been channel surfing in the living room since you put abby down, working with her to lock down a nightly routine. ideally, she’d bathe, eat dinner (god willingly), brush her teeth, and then you’d be able to get her to lay in bed and doze off. some nights, this required dessert. 

“you just brushed your teeth though. it’s gonna taste gross.”

“not if it’s one of those mint chocolate things you always have.” you straighten up, eyes squinted at the child before you; she meant the small, sometimes melted, squares of Andes mint chocolate you always kept. they’d always been your favorite, a guilty pleasure in this fucked up world. 

you hadn’t been babysitting abby for long, and you didn’t realize that she'd been watching you crush the chocolates like it was light work. they were easy to eat, and once you had one, you found out how easy it was to eat another one, and then another one, and then another one until there was a mountain of crinkled foil next to your phone and chocolate smeared on your face. 

"please, y/n. just one," you didn't exactly know if it was a lie. abby was convincing, able to break you down with her eyes, pleading and puppy-dog like. "please." 

you cave, leaning down to brush her hair back from her forehead and place a gentle kiss on the skin. with pursed lips, you whisper, "fine, but tomorrow night. i have to get some more." 

abby does nothing but smile, eyes fluttering closed. you stay with her for a bit like you always do--watching the way her chest rises and falls, and how her features twitched with slumber. features scarily similar to mike's. 

of course she'd look like mike. they were siblings, no shit, but the resemblance occupied your brain. there was sweet abby, with her colorful clothes and scribbled drawings and persuasive aura, and then there was mike. 

you shake your head, giving abby another kiss before exiting her room. you didn't need to think about mike. he wasn't what you were here for. you'd come to abby's school as an aide and after she'd privately confided in you about her home life, you knew you had to help her. you would do anything for her, even if that meant taking care of her while suppressing the overwhelming school girl crush you had on her older brother.

mike was a bit older than you, which didn't scare you at all. guys in their early 20s were rarely mature, doing anything they could just to fuck; but guys in their late 20s, mike specifically, had only ever shown you couth, surprisingly. 

for nearly two months, five mornings a week, the sound of the door being unlocked would ring out. you'd turn to see sunshine pouring into the living room, enveloping mike's brooding figure in a radiant golden glow.

he'd hang his coat on the wall hooks, drop his bag down to his feet, and give you a small but warm smile. you'd try to not to embarrass yourself as you two made small talk, packing up your things.

you always left unscathed, but recently it'd been hard. you were always thinking about him, dreaming about him even; how his hair would feel between your fingers, how his hands would feel on your face, how his face would feel between your thighs. 

the thought is washed away, drowned out by the sound effects of a loud infomercial when the door opens, and you're turning and squinting against the wash of pale yellow on your face. mike steps forward with a, "hey, y/n" and you meekly raise your hand to wave. 

he hangs his hoodie up to reveal his shoulder blades flexing under an uncharacteristically tight navy blue sweater. you can't help but stare.

"just wake up?" his voice is raspy, but he's still facing the wall, rummaging in his bag for something. 

"um...yeah. brain's still turning on," you lie, tossing the thick blue blanket off your body. you didn't sleep at all, kept up with your thoughts and the last of your Andes mints (though you loved her, you couldn't give abby your last ones).

"hm," he mutters, finally turning to you but keeping his hands behind his back. something crinkles in them and you raise your eyebrow at the tired yet amused expression he takes with you. it's enough to make your body hot and you awkwardly pull at the collar of your shirt, fanning yourself off.

"hot?" the gravelly tone sends you into a giggling fit, shaking your head as you shoot to your feet. you have to leave before you do or say something you regret. 

"uh, yeah, it was s-super hot under that...um...blanket. i shouldn't have worn sweatpants to s-sleep," you stutter, nodding your head along with mike as he steps closer to you. this couldn't be the moment something happens, right? it'd been so casual between you too, very friendly, and he'd never shown any signs of trying to do anything with you before. why would he choose right now, so spontaneously? 

he stands before you, the slightest bit taller than you. you're able to see every pore, every freckle, every microscopic detail in his eyes and lips.

you open your mouth, hoping your heart doesn't fall out, to ask what's happening, when he reveals a bag of Andes mints, one bigger than you've ever seen.

your mouth stays open in surprise. "wh-"

"abby's been talking about them. i wondered where she found out about them but--" he nudges his head towards the coffee table, where a small mound of green wrappers lay. you swear under your breath, cursing yourself for not throwing them away like you usually do. 

"i'm sorry," you whisper, blushing beyond measure as you begin to frantically pack your things. "i should be more careful with that stuff."

"god, y/n, you're saying it like it's coke," mike chuckles. he sets the bag down on the couch and reaches out to you, placing his hand on yours as you shove things into your tote. "hey." 

his voice forces you to stop and look up. you melt under his stare just like you do with abby. the puppy-dog thing must run in the family.

"i feel bad about not being able to pay you yet, and i really appreciate all you're doing. abby told me that you loved those mints, so..."

"thank you, mike," you say over the sound of your pounding heart. you didn't care about the money, you didn't need it. being appreciated by someone who made your heartbeat resonate throughout your body was payment enough. "this is really sweet." 

"thank you, y/n. you don't know how much this means to me." You scoff, throwing your tote over your shoulder and looking down at your feet. 

"i'm always happy to help." you and mike stand facing each other for what feels like hours, the air as thick as molasses between you. his eyes were squinted, low and dark and intriguing.

you wished you could read his mind. what was he thinking? did his heart do the same thing as yours, wacking against his ribcage with no end in sight? did he stay up thinking about you when he was supposed to be sleeping, imagining how you felt, what you sounded like, how you tasted---

"see you later tonight?" his voice rocks you out of your trance. he's not thinking about you. he's tired, wondering when you'll leave so he can fall into his bed and doze off. 

"yeah. tell abby i said i'll see her tonight." your smile is tight as you exit the house, cursing at yourself as you get into your car. 

you didn't know how long you could go on like this. 

ya, i know this sucks and it isn't really anything but we're gonna work our way through these fics and blurbs to really develop a cute relationship (,: i will still be writing other fics for mike, and possibly using another babysitter!reader in a different universe, but as for now, we're gonna be rocking with these two (: (thinking that we’ll label her as 🌱🍫!reader)  all notes are appreciated (: thanks for reading!

[chrissutherland]

The 100

As of today I have lost 100 pounds from my heaviest weight. One Hundred Pounds in almost exactly ten months. I’ve just had a full physical and literally have NEVER been in better shape. I’m honestly shocked I’m here.

In middle of May 2017 I ended a run of the Bodyguard musical. I was deep in the bottom of the worst depression of my life. I had done some therapy a couple years before, and was diagnosed with severe anxiety, and a panic disorder. I decided to take a few weeks off at the end of the show run and just recharge. I figured I was burnt out and a break would fix it.

The depression kept on raging and I was in a very bad place. I was actually suicidal. I needed the depression to stop. I literally could not take it anymore. Fortunately, the therapy from the year before had sunk in just enough to hang on to me at the last second.

So, I went for a walk until I didn’t feel like doing IT. I walked every morning for weeks. If I walked, I felt a bit better. Mostly, it was because the weather was incredible and I didn’t have anything to do. I had never taken three weeks off. EVER. And I sucked at it.. I kept walking. Still not feeling better, with my body all hurting and broken. Slow 4 - 5km walks in the morning. I’d just go walk the shitty feelings out of me until I was so physically burnt, I’d feel something else. Sore and tired. After a couple of weeks of that, the depression starting lifting.

For years I had been on a bunch of anti depressants and other pills for various anxiety symptoms. Around this time, they all started making me nauseous. Every time I took them I’d be retching within an hour. That evolved into full on throwing up on the daily. I was feeling somewhat better mentally, but couldn’t continue that barf business. So with my Doctor advising, I slowly started to wean off the pills to maybe try switching to something not making me sick. My stomach was a mess, so I decided to do some research for a cleanse or something to hopefully stop the barf. Then, I fell down the information rabbit hole.

I had always known that I have a wheat allergy. So I quit all wheat, and gluten. I quit drinking. That actually wasn’t a big deal, I was over it anyway and didn’t care anymore. I’m allergic to all of it. The effects were very clear and very related to my depression. Hangover = Depressed.

I watched the plethora of food docs on Netflix and read almost everything on the entire internet about food science. I was super freaked out and decided to quit ALL processed food and as much sugar as I possibly could. I couldn’t eat without being sick anyway, so I just needed to get off the prescription drugs and eat basic food. Over the next few months it evolved into eating only meat, eggs, vegetables, fruits, nuts, water and coffee. After a few weeks, nausea gone. AND so was the depression. Zero pills. By then I was dropping weight and wasn’t sick for the first time in months. I just stuck to it because I felt better. Partly…

By July I was firmly in a routine. Walk all morning. I would add a small distance every day and pushed myself to be even ten feet better daily. By the end of September I was walking 16km a day, six days a week, at a hard pace. Only walking and never running. I have a couple of chronic injuries from drumming that don’t allow me to run at all. Then all winter I added a few ab / core exercises that were simple body weight only, with stretching at home, post walk. Another important development was taking off my headphones.

I caught my reflection in a shop window one day while walking and noticed my posture was awful. So I started to think about it while walking and then started noticing breathing. They were both a mess. So I took off the headphones and started to pay attention to everything my body was doing. Posture, breath, and keeping the pace as a even as possible. I could barely make it a block in good form. Taking off the headphones was huge. Silence helped me work through so much mental stuff. And focus on posture and breathing. Eventually turning the walks into a kind of moving meditation. My posture is now a lot better and some of my injuries have simply faded.

At this point I had learned so much about my eating. I was weighing in daily, which was important motivation for me. I counted calories from sugar and kept them very low. Then I tried doing a daily fast. No food after 10pm, Then, wake up and walk in the morning and don’t eat until after. That combo got me dropping weight so fast I was actually a little concerned a couple of times. The Dr. said I was fine. I felt amazing. REALLY amazing. I would still once a week eat something totally ridiculous like an entire large pizza. Other weeks, I wouldn’t eat crazy stuff at all because I was so in a groove. I always made very thoughtful decisions whether or not if I had earned it or had calorie buffer. I was very focused. It turns out, where my body performs best is VERY low calorie. Shockingly low. I thrive there mentally and physically. As soon as my caloric intake gets too high, I’m tired garbage and my depression returns.

Now, I eat the food I have to eat to survive, stay alive and stay mentally healthy. Fuel. I no longer eat for joy or pleasure or to be a foodie. I’m mentally reprogramming myself. I still get cravings but those couple of indulgences a week are for that specific pleasure zone. And I don’t consider them a reward when it’s calculated enjoyable indulgent poison for me. I understand the consequences of eating each bite fully. I still do the hard work every day to have that privilege. A lot of “food” I used to eat now just looks like poison to me. I know that if I eat it, I’ll be sick. I still do it occasionally and relearn my lesson.

Once this started getting ahold of me I learned the most important part. I had to be honest with myself to survive. I was sick of being sick, and sick of lying to myself that I was ok. I had great momentum and I knew what I needed to do to get healthy. I also knew what I needed to stop doing.

I got obsessed with honest decisions to the point that every tiny choice went under the microscope. Every time I would want to bail on walking, or eat something that wasn’t my basic fuel, I asked myself why. Like REALLY why. No lying. Own it. Liars don’t heal. I would make myself SERIOUSLY FUCKING OWN IT and work through the consequences. It got SUPER ugly. The honesty wasn’t fun for a second. But, every time I applied brutal honesty to a decision, something improved. Every authentic and true decision added something positive. At the very least, I wasn’t disappointed in myself which could be turned into a positive.

The other part of the perfect storm was being surrounded, at the time, by so many incredible friends that had been conquering epic stuff. Watching friends being authentic, driven, caring, and also being in incredible shape or finding great success in their own difficult journeys. Scott Atkins, Calvin Beale, Mike Ferfolia, Ryan Van Poederooyen, Beverley O'Keefe, Steve Smith, Giovanni Spano, Rob Fowler, and so many more. They all kick ass, and kicked my ass at some point or another. A lot. They said important things and did the exact right things, at right times to keep me pushing through tough spots. They may not even know how much they helped. So THANK YOU. BIG LOVE TO YOU. And especially to Meladee. Who helped when needed and knew exactly when to leave me alone if I needed that too. She was the most important love, support and endless inspiration.

I still get depression, panic, and anxiety. Only now I’m equipped to deal with them and have a plan. I’m able to recognize my depression, be aware, safe, and get my way clear of it using what I have learned. And I’m able to work long days productively without being a mess inside. Oh, it still happens. It’s just more ok when it does now. I’ve also learned to be more kind to myself. Some days you just don’t have 100% and it’s ok to just be enough.

The “secret” was improving my mental health to the point where I was able to effectively go after physical health. I’ve learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I’ve accomplished something I NEVER thought possible. I honestly never thought I could ever be in this physical shape and it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. But it showed me what is possible. I did the work. Brutal hard work. Brutal honest work. I’ve never worked this hard for anything else in my life.

So using my new life skills, I am embarking on a journey. I’m going to learn to play the drums. Some of you are laughing at a silly joke. Others know just how ugly and scary that is going to get. Sooo many lies to take care of in my drumming. Lol .

So if you don’t recognize me on the street. It’s ok, I don’t recognize me either.

Thank you to everyone for the kind words, excitement, endless support and love.

Chris Sutherland suds234@gmail.com