#this is rushed and I am not a poet so it is not super lyrical but.

[sweetswesf]

"I just need benjamins, I don't need NOOOOO friends!"...Check In

I don't really mean that. When I feel lonely, I think about that rap lyric by the masterful poet Roddy Ricch, but, I don't truly feel that way. I do need a community around me, but when I look at the friends I have lost, I toxicly just try to focus on what I have, the friends & family I have, and all God's blessed me with.

What I Did Today

Meal prepped

Exercised

Grocery shopped

FREAKIN' 2 HOURS of dishes! *face palm*

Panicked a little bit after receiving my severance payment, but reminded myself that I'm going to find something I want in a timely manner and not completely run my savings down to 0 like I worry sometime

Wished my grandmother a happy birthday

Told my father not to send me pictures of he, my grandparents, and my little brother at the casino today because it triggered me given the lack of relationship and a lot of hurt that is still there...I'm by myself for yet another year on Thanksgiving for crying out loud...

Was vulnerable about how I felt about the latest text exchanges with my pastor who gave me bad, unsolicited advice on what I SHOULD have done...immediately regretted it opening up and reminded myself to just shut up sometime and stop hoping for people to handle you and your feelings the way you want them to

Had a little cry after receiving a less than pleasant text from my Dad...it was followed by an absolutely encouraging text from a friend

Fantasized about moving out of the country...maybe back to Italy

Pushed myself to cook for myself

Pushed myself to finish an AlgoExpert video on Logarithm

What I Learned Today

I thought about what would happen if I needed to move back; my little brother has PROBABLY graduated, so I would not have a room anywhere if I moved back, and I don't know too many places right now wanting to rent to someone without a job so, I'll stay put...rent MAY go up for me soon...don't know how much...don't want to think about that right now :)

log base 2 is the assumed base in computer science, not 10 as in regular mathematics, and an algo w/O(log(n)) runtime is good because as the input increases, the amount of operations does not increase nearly at the same rate

Feeling

Spent

A little bit shameful/embarrassed

Takeaways

Going to only juice on Saturday or Sunday going forward and for as ½ as much as I usually do to save money & time

My mind wanders a lot, and when it does, and I get anxious, I go to social media for a dopamine boost

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut Today

Just reminding myself that I have so much, it could be worse, how it's going to get so much better for me, and about how strong I am going to become

Found a chili oil I can add to EVERYTHING

A super soft & cold persimmon

The following songs helped:

Fought tears listening to this one

Then let them fall for this song...this song NEVER fails to make me cry...rediscovered it on Mother's Day, and ever since, it's just been a hard song for me to get through, but it hits me where I need it to

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

[cubistemoji]

my blog title is from this song so I wanted to share it with everyone! Oh, time, time by Ivasi

lyrics translated by me:

To the rustle of tires, to the rumbling winds, to send one last “sorry” To change hours to kilometers at the exchange rate of one to six And, arguing the earth into submission, reaching the coastline in the end To drown your Japanese watch in the foaming depths of the sea! Chorus: Oh, vremya, vremya*, temps and tiempo, zeit and time-- We’re not counting it, not counting, not at all We squander it this way and that, until the source has emptied out, While we are tempted by the lights of The Mysteries of Paris**

To easily throw the beads of moments, To godlessly destroy order, And not to depend, not to depend on, The swing of pendulums and springs, To throw out seconds  for no reason, Spending them all on junk and rot, To lose the minutes every hour, And scatter hours every day!

Chorus.

To search for love like wind in a field From day to day to year to year. As long as time does not force us, Until we’re threatened by zeitnot*** Ah, the bell, a gift from Valdai*** Won’t let us slow our roll And we, not looking at the clock, Will lose our heads forevermore. Chorus

*bc the original line had time in english at the end of it I thought it’d make more sense to leave the word untranslated at the beginning. **a french novel I have not read. ***time trouble or time pressure in chess ***city in Nizhiny Novgorod Oblast apparently

[falloutglow]

5 OTP Songs - Got Lost & Found Love - Echo Gray/Nick Valentine

Saw um... @its-sixxers doing this and weeeeeell... thought I’d uh, give it a shot.

tagging: @glitchvault74, @roachvalentine, @potatocrab, @diredigression, @wastelandersparadise, @nuclear-darling, @commonwealthcommoner, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO DO IT. sadfsdfkhsd heck

(art drawn by @wastelandersparadise​/ @pop-peroni​ ;w; <3 )

Electric Love by Borns|| Only the Lonely Survive by Marianas Trench|| Sleep by Poets of the Fall|| Kiss From a Rose by Dan Avidan & Super Guitar Bros (Seal cover) || Sway by Dean Martin

*lies the fuck down* You wanna hear me talk about lyrics, check below.

Electric Love by Borns

Honestly, this and a few other songs are very tea shop monsters au (long story) related, but I cannot stop associating this song to them. Helps that Nick’s a synth aaaaand Echo’s got (surprise!) electrokinesis as one of her psyker power(s).

And every night my mind is running around her Thunder's getting louder and louder Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle I can't let you go now that I got it

All I need is to be struck By your electric love Baby, your electric love Electric love

Also...its sappy af and super cheery and its what they deserve.

Only the Lonely Survive by Marianas Trench

So. I’m in slowburn hellscape with these two fools. This song is basically a mutual pining, we both have baggage, and “I can’t be loved.” combo deal.

I don't know how you feel yourself But I'd rather hurt here than be happy somewhere else No one will scar me like you do But no one will ever be compared, compared to you

The heart gets slow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh We all heal though-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh You never know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh To stay or go

Echo’s been debating for as long as she’s been in Diamond City if she should leave or stay in Diamond City. She’s never voiced it to anyone except to Dogmeat. Hell, she’s afraid of getting close to anyone...in fear of being found out. Who she is... Who she could even trust...

Meanwhile, Nick’s got the baggage of a depressed pre-war cop in his head on top of all the shit he’s dealt with being a synth. It’s hard to know how anyone ( ESPECIALLY new) will react to him. Sure he’s got a quick tongue and will absolutely demolish folks if they even try to start shit- but that shit still hurts and is probably something he just... will sometimes get hit with especially during the quiet hours of the night when few folks in Diamond City are still awake...

Burns us both To love this close We lose ourselves And I know we won't get out alive But only the lonely survive

They are both lonely people trying to make do with the world they found themselves in and spread some kindness. They are both also very much idiots who will thrust themselves into very stupidly dangerous shit without thinking of themselves. dumbasses. 

It hurts like hell To love this well But no one falls The way we fell We'll burn alive Only the lonely survive

Mutual Pining fools who cannot fathom anyone wanting to be in a close relationship (let alone intimate) with them because of the baggage they carry. Slowburn hell...where the other helps, slowly but surly, unpack the luggage and tell them to stay a while...

Sleep by Poets of the Fall

I’ve definitely mentioned uh this song before where I kinda see it as Nick watching Echo deal with her echoes nightmares no matter where they go in the wastes while on a case.

Hear your heartbeat Beat a frantic pace And it's not even seven AM You're feeling the rush of anguish settling You cannot help showing them in

It takes a while, but after realizing how tough it is for her to sleep sometimes, Nick starts offering his coat as a blanket, and surprisingly it...helps. While it can’t always block Echo’s ‘echoes’, it helps her sleep longer and well...after time it just becomes routine.

Still it don't mater if you won't listen If you won't let them follow you You just need to heal Make good all your lies Move on and don't look behind

As their bond and feelings grows stronger as well as realizing how much comfort they give each other...they start letting each other into the flashes they see...

Day after day Fickle visions messing with your head Fickle, vicious Sleeping in your bed Messing with your head Fickle visions Fickle, vicious

Sleep, sugar, let your dreams flood in Like waves of sweet fire, you're safe within Sleep, sweetie, let your floods come rushing in And carry you over to a new morning

Because Echo’s not the only one who sees memories that aren’t her own. Nick admits he gets glimpses of memories from pre-war!Nick, the guy whom’s brain the Institute (illegally) downloaded into a synth. This song sorta starts out as an almost lullaby of sorts, for Nick to try and help Echo get more sleep and turned into a shared “You’re tired while you’re brain never stops. Let me be here for you, and help you get through this.

Kiss From a Rose by Dan Avidan & Super Guitar Bros (Seal cover)

Not gonna lie the main reason why is just a few dashes of lyrics from this song:

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen

and

A light hits the gloom on the grey

Nick’s eyes literally glow and Echo’s eyes are silver gray...and well her last name is also Gray but yea lol. Does not help its got that slow dance energy. What do the lyrics mean? fuck if I know, its a song that gives me feels that’s all I got.

...Also...first kiss...eventually yes... *lies down*

Sway by Dean Martin

SO. This is like spoilers (cause its still WIP) but uh... ahem. Their first dance is to this song.

When Marimba Rhythms start to play Dance with me, make me sway  Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore Hold me close, sway me more

The amount of times I’ve listened to this song for the fic..and then also like marked the end of certain lines to figure out timing of the lyrics? Ho man... ANYWAYS, I sorta hc that Nick would really enjoy the “crooners” like the Rat Pack (Frank Sinatra; Dean Martin; those dudes) along with jazz music. Sway being one of his, uh, fav songs and a dif hc is that Nick likes to dance. Possibly having flashes from OG!Nick and associating dancing with good energy/memories. Finding a dance partner in the wastes is a bit hard.

Other dancers may be on the floor Dear, but my eyes will see only you Only you have the magic technique When we sway I go weak

MORE spoilers: Echo realizes she’s got a crush.

[brisbanelife]

Olivia Laing interview: Pinning down the raw summer of 2017

The novel's title translates to "raw" in Italian and Crudo is Laing's attempt to record in "real time" what felt like the end of the world. A season when social media was an ugly stream of polemic; when news alerts of tragedies and absurdities buzzed continuously on mobiles; when everything seemed to just keep shifting. "You must remember that summer too. How extraordinary it felt to go on Twitter and see more and more horrifying things that were happening," Laing says on the phone from Cambridge. "I was paranoid and terrified and so was everyone I know." Laing is acclaimed for her non-fiction books. They are heavily researched and lyrically written with a style that genre hops across memoir, literary and artistic scholarship, history and cultural criticism. To The River (2011) follows the Sussex river, the Ouse, where Virginia Woolf drowned, and is a discursive meditation on Woolf, landscape and Laing's own past. The Trip To Echo Spring (2013) focuses on alcoholism and literature through the lives of six writers. Laing's previous, The Lonely City (2016), explores what it means to be alone and followed her move to New York in her mid-30s. They are the kind of books that take years to percolate thoughtful, nuanced, complex. The kind of books that seem in stark opposition to the contemporary climate of instant headlines and "fake news". It was another of these books on bodies, gender and violence that Laing was struggling to write when she went on holiday to Italy in the summer of 2017. But reading Chris Kraus' biography of post-punk artist and experimental novelist Kathy Acker (Laing had been commissioned to write a review of After Kathy Acker for The Guardian), she unexpectedly found the momentum she had lacked. "Reading this thing about Kathy Acker just sort of ignited something for me and I thought, what would happen if I start writing about everything that is going on but I write it from the perspective of Kathy Acker? If I just steal the Kathy Acker perspective and just start putting down everything that is happening in the world, almost like I am plagiarising the news." Acker herself, who died when she was 53 in 1997, extensively borrowed from other writers, including Dickens, Keats and Cervantes, reinventing and transforming their words in her work. The game Laing decided to play had two rules: she had to write every single day and she could not edit anything she wrote. Trying to catch up with the news cycle, Laing says, gave her the most thrilling writing experience she has had. "I'm the sort of writer who writes one sentence a day and then rewrites it for 100 days and then discards it. That's what my writing life is like. It's horrible. I hate it. I find writing completely miserable. "With this book it wasn't an exercise in good writing or clarity, it was an exercise in recording, so I was liberated from my own super ego. I was liberated from that necessity to sort of perform good writing." This sense of electric movement marks Crudo, whose deliberately disjointed narrative is propelled forward by a sense of things caving and falling apart, of a centre not holding. "The world just kept tipping, the news stories kept coming. So things like watching Charlottesville, I was writing it down as it happened. "I knew that in two years' time or in 10 years' time there would be a historical record of that summer and it wouldn't feel like what it actually felt like to inhabit the summer, so what I wanted to do was record all of it as it was emerging." Or as she writes in Crudo: "Kathy hated it, living at the end of the world, but then she couldn't help but find it interesting, watching people herself included compulsively foul their nest." The narrator is a fusion of Acker and Laing, and their autobiographies blur seamlessly into one another. Their subjectivities continuously slip as the novel's opening line establishes: "Kathy, by which I mean I, was getting married." The result is a mesmerising piece of autofiction in the style of recent practitioners Rachel Cusk and Karl Ove Knausgaard. The plot itself is relatively bare bones. Kathy has just turned 40 and is about to get married but she is troubled by what that kind of stability means and how it might effect her sense of self. When she wrote the novel Laing too had recently turned 40 and was struggling with the demands of commitment and intimacy ahead of her marriage to poet Ian Patterson, who was previously married to writer Jenny Diski who died of lung cancer in 2016. The intersection between the mundanities of everyday life and globally significant events lies at the core of the novel. "So it was an insane summer for everyone in the world and also for me personally and I really wanted to get some of that down," Laing says. "I wanted to record as much as I could of what the intersection felt like and how queasy the intersection is of our small little lives and then these events of such magnitude and of such fearful consequences." Part of the joy of creating Crudo came from the fact that Laing did not initially intend to publish it. She had signed book deals before she started writing her other books; here she was released from a sense of a looming audience. But finishing the novel at Heathrow airport where the book's last scene is also set Laing immediately sent it to her publishers. By the time she got off the plane, they had made the decision to publish. Laing didn't make things easy. She was adamant that Crudo should be released within a year and no major editing was allowed. "I really wanted to preserve the rawness. It is called Crudo for a reason. It was supposed to be a very raw presentation of somebody's psyche in this intense condition," Laing says. "This was what it felt like and this was the experiment I was carrying out so it felt sort of honest to let it go through like that." Laing has now returned to writing her original non-fiction book, which she tentatively attempts to articulate as "something that is about the internal experience of a lived body's life". It is a subject that has been of long interest and relevance to Laing. Her mother was gay and Laing came out as gender queer in The Lonely City writing, "I'd never been comfortable with the demands of feminity, had always felt more like a boy, a gay boy, that I inhabited a gender position somewhere between the binaries of male and female, some impossible other, some impossible both." Laing says she has always felt divided from the straight world and on reflection wishes she had been more emphatic in The Lonely City about identifying as queer. "It was a scary thing to write down in the book and it was a scary thing to talk about. Now I would be more confident about talking about it at a bit more length." Writing the book, Laing says, has become much less painful since she returned to it after finishing Crudo. "It feels like I was just trying to write it at the wrong time. I needed much more time to digest what was happening and to really think it through. "There's such a rush for hot takes at the moment. It seems to me spending three years mulling over something is a worthwhile thing to do." Which is not to say readers have seen the end of Laing's fiction, or Kathy. When she initially started writing Crudo, Laing conceived of it as a part of a quartet capturing a woman's life at the ages of 40, 50, 60 and 70, with the final instalment to be called Burnt. Crudo is published by Picador at $29.99. Melanie Kembrey the Spectrum Deputy Editor at the Sydney Morning Herald. Most Viewed in Entertainment Loading Morning & Afternoon NewsletterDelivered MonFri. https://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/entertainment/books/olivia-laing-interview-pinning-down-the-raw-summer-of-2017-20180712-h12lag.html?ref=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_source=rss_feed

[fromthelunchbox-blog]

Fleet Foxes “Crack-Up” and PB&J

Today, I completed my first lunchbox listening session with a band I do adore, Fleet Foxes and their new album, Crack-Up. It was delicious, and so was my peanut butter and raspberry preserves sandwich, a rarity when it comes to my lunches, although it may be one of the simplest things to make. (I like a good challenge).

But what is a lunchbox listening session?

Well, I made it up. Every day at lunch from this day forward, I will listen to one new album all the way through and write a “review” of the album after listening to it only once. I use the term review extremely lightly because I don’t know the first thing about music critique and what to look and listen for and yadda yadda who cares? All I have time for at lunch is the first impression; the first-take listen of these albums. So my “review” will be more like a rough, first-thought ramble reflecting just that, along with whatever else each song reminds me of.

This little idea for a blog came last night when I was messing around, but not well, on the guitar. I’ve been wanting to do a blog around music for a while but haven’t been able to pinpoint what I was wanting it to be about. My original “big blog idea” required a lot of after work hours and effort to complete. I will get that going eventually when I get a bit more pep in my step toward that goal.

Since I am allowed a pretty open lunch and work is relatively flexible (nobody checks on me or wonders where I am on a regular half-hour basis, which is good and bad), I have time to sit back and enjoy my lunch and take a break from work. But most of the time I’m just staring into space or looking for inspiration on the web while eating lunch when I could be converting that staring and searching time into more listening and doing time. 

So here is my first stab at writing down my first impression thoughts on an album during workday lunchtime. It’s quite short, but now I can say I started. I broke it down by song to make it less painful to read for millennials and people who are anti- “long, breakless paragraphs” like me. 

1

I Am All That I Need / Arroyo Seco / Thumbprint Scar

Robin Pecknold has been taken over by some weary low talker. But somehow I still get chills after 30 seconds, because I know what is coming. And I’m right. Some bright, and startling guitar punches out the path for his sweet angelic tone to lull you away, but only so far until he switches back to his alternate voice that set the eerie mood at the beginning. 

2

Cassius, -

This song is how my heartbeat would sound if experiencing a gradual increase of adrenaline from a quick jog. And since I’m out of shape, this song is a perfect reflection of my average fitness level, because the pace sure does pick up quickly.

3

- Naiads, Cassadies

Already feels like they are taking me on some epic ancient Grecian journey, partly because the songs just string together and I can’t tell when one ends and the other begins, and partly because the titles remind me of old times. Anyway, this song rolls.

4

Kept Woman

10 seconds in. Already sounds like a song I would listen to if I was anxious and on a bus trying to get somewhere in the rain. Nevertheless, beautiful lyrics that I would probably need to look up to understand. 

Key line: 

Can you be slow for a little while? 

widow your soul for another mile?

Proves my “rainy bus ride anxiety” setting.

5

Third of May / Odaigahara*

To be a songwriter is to be a poet. I’ve heard this before, straight from an artist’s mouth, and it is 100 percent true in this song. There is feeling. There is angst. Or so it seems. I think it may be the strings. It is definitely the strings. Or is that harp I hear? I’m mediocre at this.

*This is the longest song on the album. Also, I got the most celery stuck in my teeth during this song. Like I said, the strings are really getting to me with this song, including the damn celery strings.

6

If You Need To, Keep Time On Me

This doesn't need lots of unnecessary words from me. But that key change almost brings a tear to my eye.

I would say, maybe just listen to it and not me.

7

Mearcstapa

The beginning sounds like a classic rock band experimenting with psychedelics, but then finding their groove.

Because golly. These melodies.

The strings are growing on me and growing the song. It’s like the younger brother (Crack-Up) who had to prove the older successful brother (Fleet Foxes - The Album) he was indeed, good too, so he took classical music lessons and shocked the whole family with his developed talents. 

8

On Another Ocean (January / June)

Starts as a jam. Then gets ethereal. Oceanic. All it needs is waves hitting the sand in the background.

Sounds like they are trying to send some kind of subliminal message in different mini allegories throughout the song with all of the pace and tune changes. Looking back, I guess that might explain the “(January / June)” thing. Yes, I am a super sleuth in my spare time, which is about a handful of minutes every day.

In a way, it's calm like the ocean, but unpredictable like it, too.

9

Fool’s Errand

It’s really hard to predict these chord progressions and key changes. I love it. I hate it. But I love it more. 

The outro. Everything about this song makes it sound like they pieced together random “fooling�� around in practice and it created this beautiful, simple story of a song.

10

I Should See Memphis

#dissonance 

Fitting because it gets historical. So prepare your Google browser. Or lyric genius. Whichever you think is more reliable. #noAlternativeFacts

#hashtag

11

Crack-Up

So damn lyrically thoughtful. Feels like I’m listening to some modern Shakespearean prose.

And it builds.

And it builds.

And trumpets.

And sublime humming. 

And I’m giving away the good parts.

And then bam. Trumpets call out to the listener. Which in this case, is me. But only me. Because listening to this song makes you feel like you are the only person in the world if you have it up loud enough with your eyes closed tight. 

Overall

This album made me feel alone, but the good kind of alone. The alone that lives off of the contentedness of being a recluse for a while and refreshing all of your thoughts so you can start again when it is time. There is no rush, and the real beauty and maturity in this album reflects our everyday struggles: imperfection, ups, downs, and life that we typically don’t pay much attention to that resides in the background of our own lives.

On the mother’s love scale, which is my rating scale for how much or little I enjoyed the album, I give it 8 Xs and Os out of 10 Xs and Os. 

xoxoxoxo