#this is perhaps the funniest coincidence of my life

[passionfruitbowls]

cannot believe that beau is finishing on what is technically my last day of actual school… the end of not one, but two eras for me

[corpseaten]

scratches my neck wow i wonder who that coffin anon was.... it is not like i have a quite distinctive way of speaking (or so i have been told, at least). my apologies for such a late response, i was working very diligently earlier. plus today is unfortunately one of those days where i really struggle to put my thoughts into words. and taking notes.... your stars are very beautiful! 

i am a little jealous you got the naru card, but such is life.... maybe she shall come home in a revival scout. i find the unbloomed especially cute, the way she is feeding the fish. and her heart shaped mug in the bloomed! ooh, you are so close to completing your collection. may the rest of the watarus come home! i hope to collect all of the naru and eden cards, but that will take a while, as i am a fairly new player (i started in june this year).. but one day.

do i know the feeling! and honestly, it is a little funny.. this sort of thing tends to happen to me, where i have strange specific coincidences happen. i do think the one of the funniest examples is an ex-mutual of mine and i were in the same exact musical, and we opened and closed on the same days. though we did not play the same parts! 

Wait . . I had no idea oh my god. I just saw you interact with someone else on here and saw Rei and instinctually. followed. head in hands I am ever so sorry I will disembowel myself. It is alright, I do know that not every wastes their day online like I do, so, it is not as if I am upset ! What were you working on ? I know they are , it is why I made so many !

I am sorry . . if it’s any consolidation I also did 9 pull for Kanata and did not get him. Stupid Fish . . . I did get his lim in the free pull though . . a little funny. She is so cute. I really like the bloomed version . . would totally have a sleepover with her. Someone on twitter said she fell in with the fish but, I did not read it. He better. Or I will strangle myself. I need them all. Oh my . . yes, you will need a lot more time to do it, but I wish you luck! In june? That is very new . . I joined around june as well but, two years ago. You never escape enstars hell.

I do not have many coincidences, I find the things I experience to be unique to me as I am so unlucky that nobody can parallel . . . but, you have been an outlier ! Oh really ? That is very much interesting, are you sure that perhaps you were not in the same musical? Which one was it ? I may not know it as I do not watch musicals though . . .

[h-worksrambles]

I make it a personal rule not to do holiday stuff (minus important stuff like sorting gifts) until December actually starts. But now that the month is here, I consider it to no longer be ‘too soon’ (it’s been on all the commercials for weeks anyway). So I kicked it off by going through The Smoke Room’s modern AU Christmas special again. I still love it so much.

It’s a genuinely great companion piece to the main game by showing how many of the main cast’s struggles were born from the difficulties of living amidst the harsh social context of 1915. Seeing all the cast in the modern day, living lives that aren’t perhaps perfect, but where they are at least all living as their best selves is just priceless. Sam in a quiet life with people who love him, Murdoch finally having freed himself from his family, Cliff able to express their gender identity, (this was such a lovely way to get canon nonbinary Cliff confirmation). Will openly gay and comfortable with himself, and Nikolai just being generally out of his shell emotionally (becoming possibly the funniest character in the process) is all a joy. It’s also a pretty enlightenining reference point for how their character arcs may unfold in the future. Like they may not get to lead a life like this in any timeline in the full game, but this is ideal we’re striving for with these guys.

Placing the characters in the modern day also allows for so many blursed references. Sam has an extremely relatable resentment for Mariah Carey. Cliff is a Hatsune Miku stan, Murdoch swears he’ll get Will to see Mean Girls and Will is taking the based millenial line (even calling out the Salvation Army like the chad that he is). Also, spare a thought for poor Blithe, who’s experiencing the one thing worse than losing friends to a serial murderer/supernatural monster...working retail on Christmas Eve.This could so easily have been cringy but damn it’s adorable (even if Cliff saying ‘pog’  is imprinted into my brain forever).

The decision to present all the main cast as a polycule compared to each being a dedicated route just makes it all the more heartwarming and allows for so many fun dynamics within the group.

Look at this. How can anything that includes this not be perfection?

Plus, I appreciate that we still get a little seasonal themed spookiness, which the summer AU would also do. It honestly makes me wonder how much of this is purely for fun and how much is secretly foreshadowing aspects of the main game (I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the summer AU brought up Todd’s bi-curiousity only for that to come up in the very next Will update).

But yeah, this was a lovely thing to revisit to kick off the month. I could see this entering the rotation of my staple holiday season media.

[tcm]

Something New Has Been Added: Inside Tex Avery’s Madcap Animated Universe By  Donald Liebenson

“The secret in animating is first to have an everlasting sense of humor, next to be able to see the commonplace in a funny way and most important of all, to be able to sketch your idea so that the other person will think it's funny."—Tex Avery, The Dallas Morning News, 1933

At the start of Fred “Tex” Avery’s RED HOT RIDING HOOD (‘43), the Wolf, Red Riding Hood and even Grandma rebel against a traditional rendering of the classic fairy tale and threaten to quit the cartoon right then and there. “Every cartoon studio in Hollywood has done it this way,” Red complains. “I’m pretty sick of it myself,” Grandma chimes in. And just like that, something new had been added, with a cat-calling, zoot-suit-bedecked Wolf cruising Hollywood Blvd.; Red Hot Riding Hood (aka that Sweetheart of Swing) knockin’ ‘em dead at a Hollywood night club; and a slang-slinging Grandma (“Hiya cousin, what’s buzzin?’”) waiting for a wolf of her own in her penthouse digs.

RED HOT RIDING HOOD kicks off TCM’s early morning tribute to Tex Avery, which will easily be the funniest thing you see all day. The cartoons will be preceded by John Needham’s British documentary TEX AVERY: KING OF CARTOONS (‘88). It is an ideal primer into the Avery-verse that charts his legendary career from high school cartoonist through his tenures with Walter Lantz Productions, Warner Bros. and MGM. Along with a generous sampling of clips from his Warner Bros. and MGM cartoons, there are priceless interviews with equally legendary colleagues such as Chuck Jones, Heck Allen and Mike Lah, along with June Foray, the Queen of Cartoons and Joe Adamson, who wrote the essential book, also titled Tex Avery: King of Cartoons. (Coincidence, isn’t it?)

Needham told TCM he was encouraged to make the documentary by Chuck Jones, whom Needham had profiled for the BBC arts series, Omnibus. “He simply said, ‘We should make a film about Tex,” he said. As an Avery fan himself, Needham was all in. “I think it’s his ability to take a gag to the extremes and then take it further and then take it even further,” he said. “Chuck said that he could never copy Tex because he didn’t have a clue what Tex was doing, he just knew that he was a genius. I’m sure I don’t know either, but what he did was incredibly funny.”

The seven cartoons included in the TCM tribute meet the “incredibly funny” standard. They were produced for MGM. These are not as well known or as widely seen as his cartoons for Warner Bros., where, most notably, Avery directed A WILD HARE (’40), the cartoon that established Bugs Bunny’s brash personality. Avery was an outlier at the tony studio that boasted “more stars than there are in the heavens.” MGM did make sparkling and sophisticated romantic comedies directed by the likes of George Cukor and Ernst Lubitsch, but MGM was where clowns went to die.

Buster Keaton wrote in his memoir that signing with MGM was “the worst mistake” of his career. THE CAMERMAN (’28) was an auspicious beginning, but gradually, Keaton lost the lion’s share of his creative control, suffered studio interference and was partnered with Jimmy Durante. The Marx Brothers’ association with the studio likewise began promisingly with A NIGHT AT THE OPERA (‘35), but soon the iconoclastic highs of the brothers’ Paramount films were but a dim memory and the brothers were relegated to playing second fiddle to insipid romantic leads like Kenny Baker and Florence Rice in AT THE CIRCUS (‘39).

But MGM could not tame Tex Avery. Or perhaps studio execs didn’t think animation was worth the time and trouble to meddle with, allowing him to work unimpeded. The best of the cartoons he made for the studio between 1942-55 put the “mad” in madcap, if that’s your idea of a good time. In his book, Adamson observes: “No artist, in any century, on any continent, in any medium, has ever succeeded in creating his own universe as thoroughly and overwhelmingly as Tex Avery.”

You might say that a Tex Avery cartoon is like that proverbial box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get. “Say, what kind of a cartoon is this gonna be, anyway?” asks the title character in SCREWBALL SQUIRREL (‘44), another of the Avery 7 to be featured in TCM’s mini-Avery-palooza. Well, it’s NOT going to be a charming Disney-esque romp with adorable forest creatures. Screwball Squirrel sees to that when he takes one of them behind a tree and violently disposes of him, assuring the audience, “The funny stuff will start as soon as the phone rings.”

BAD LUCK BLACKIE and KING-SIZE CANARY, two masterpieces that are highlights of TCM’s Avery cartoon block, break all rules of the physical world and nature. In the former, a black cat brings instant bad karma each time he crosses the path of a bullying bulldog. At one point, the unfortunate pooch must dodge a succession of falling objects that escalate from a sink to a battleship. In the latter, a chase between a cat, mouse and dog escalates to gigantic proportions thanks to a bottle of Jumbo Gro.

What critic James Agee wrote about the Marx Brothers also applies to Avery in that even lesser Tex is better worth seeing than most other things I can think of. SYMPHONY IN SLANG (’51) is a succession of silly sight gags inspired by a hipster’s arrival at the Pearly Gates. He tells his life story to a befuddled Noah Webster, who pictures literal translations to such phrases as, “I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth,” “It was raining cats and dogs” and “I died laughing.”

SCREWBALL SQUIRREL features some great self-referential gags, such as the title character peeking ahead to the next scene to figure out what to do next. But the character was so obnoxious that he was actually killed off at the end of his fifth, and final, cartoon.

Avery’s influence is vast. When in THE LITTLE MERMAID (‘89), Sebastian’s jaw drops like an anvil when he spies Ariel nursing an injured Prince Eric, that’s a classic Tex Avery take. THE MASK (‘94) pays direct homage to RED HOT RIDING HOOD when Jim Carrey’s Mask man is undone by nightclub chanteuse Cameron Diaz. And the Tex Avery force is strong in Animaniacs’ helter-skelter pacing and fourth-wall breaking.

But there is nothing like the real thing. No one made cartoons that were loonier. The secret? As Avery told Joe Adamson, he didn’t think in terms of the age of his audience: “I tried to do something I thought I would laugh at if I were to see it on the screen.”

[saiilorstars]

Until That Day (One-shot)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC

A/N: Inspired one shot by, of course, FATWS. I just couldn't help it. You can also consider this as a prequel to the blurb (We Interrupt this Program) I wrote for them too! It’s fun connecting dots!

Chapter Summary: Since Bucky has failed to answer any of her calls, Chloe Winters decides to pull one over him and simply...meet him. Not everybody can make the once Winter Soldier jump but he does when he sees Chloe at the same restaurant.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother​ @anotherunreadblog​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​ @stareyedplanet​ @perfectlystiles​​ @lenonizi​​

[If you’d like to be added to this OC’s edits/fics, let me know!]

Chloe’s Masterlist

It actually frightened Bucky how good she was. He had the training of all training and somehow, she managed to frighten him with how good she was. Chloe Winters was always making him feel things he shouldn't.

He actively avoided everybody these days, not because he didn't want to see them but because he didn't know what to do with them if they were around. He was in the worst phase of his life, as bad as it sounded, because for once in his life there was no more fighting. He was done with it and now all he had to focus on was...himself. As it turned out, that wasn't at all something he liked. Even worse, because he had yet to figure out how to go about it, he was pushing others away.

Like Chloe.

There she was, sitting on the other end of the counter with a drink in her hand as she talked with some plain guy (Bucky thought the guy looked horribly plain, anyways). He could believe that she was at the same restaurant by pure coincidence...if he didn't know how she was. And he liked to think that he knew her plenty.

Which is why he thought that guy she was with was exceptionally distasteful.

"Don't scowl, your face will stay like that."

Bucky blinked and looked at the elder man sitting beside him: the one "friend" he technically had at the moment.

Yori had an odd smirk on his face that Bucky didn't often see. "What?" he asked the elder man.

"You're scowling. You don't smile so much but right now your face is in grave danger of getting stuck with that scowl," Yori waved his finger in front of Bucky's face. "What are you staring at?"

Bucky dove his attention to his half eaten food on his plate but in the end his yearning (or perhaps jealousy) betrayed him. His eyes flickered to Chloe again. She was laughing with that guy.

"Aah," he heard Yori hum. "It's about time you know."

"What?"

"I was about to ask Leah if she wanted to go on a date with you—"

"What!?" Bucky nearly choked on his food.

"But you haven't stopped staring at that girl over there." By some miracle, Yori did him the favor of not pointing at Chloe. "She's pretty."

Bucky preferred to ignore the man for the moment. He made a motion for the waitress to see. "Can I get another beer?" As if that was going to have any effect on him.

"You're still scowling," Yori said.

Bucky scowled even deeper. "Am not."

"Are too. All you have to do is go over there and introduce yourself. She'll like you more."

"Yeah, I'm not doing that. We're having lunch and that's—" Bucky stopped, freezing altogether when he saw Chloe was no longer where she'd been. How the hell? He looked around as discreetly as possible but the restaurant was too crowded to spot her...if she even remained inside. Bucky glanced towards the entrance, the walls on either side were blurred with the heavy rain. What if she was gone?

"Your face is going to stay like that," Yori warned again. Bucky snapped out of his thoughts.

At this point, Bucky didn't think there was an actual chance of him not scowling. He accepted the beer from the waitress and didn't hesitate to take the biggest swig of his life.

"Can I get another strawberry pink lemonade, please?" Someone placed an empty glass between Bucky and Yori for the waitress to pick up.

Bucky actually flinched.

Chloe had a cheery smile on her face. She watched the waitress take her glass. "It's not polite to stare," she said suddenly. Her head turned in Bucky's way. "Or scowl, for that matter."

"He does that a lot," Yori said in-between chews.

"Yori," Bucky said. Chloe laughed and unknowingly brought a fuzzy feeling to Bucky's stomach.

"He is sort of a scowler," she agreed with elder man. "You know he used to smolder back in the day."

Yori paused with his lunch to look back at Chloe then Bucky several times. "You two know each other?"

Bucky gave a silent nod of his head. Chloe did the same but with an unmistakable whimsical glint in her eyes.

"I'm Chloe," she introduced herself. "And like it or not—" she threw a more sharpened look at Bucky, "—he knows me." A jab she wanted to take even when every part of her told her it was childish. Well, she might still be a child at heart and he deserved it.

"Here you go," the waitress returned with Chloe's drink.

Chloe was back to smiling like nothing. She thanked the waitress and grabbed her drink. "I'll be sitting over there," she told Bucky, "Make of that whatever you want."

He leveled her look with a wry smile. "Really?"

"He will be there," Yori said suddenly.

Bucky's eyes widened. "Wait—"

"He can be there right now, actually," Yori went on like Bucky wasn't currently begging (silently) for him to stop talking. "You want to have lunch with him?"

Chloe giggled. "No, no, you guys should finish your lunches. I'm a patient girl."

"Dinner, then?"

"Yori," Bucky said again. He was paying for all the times he pushed Steve towards pretty girls. This had to be payback.

Chloe looked between the pair, unable to decide who was the funniest. "We can discuss something later. Please, finish your lunches in peace." She cast an innocent glance at Bucky as she took a sip of her drink. "See yah!" She wiggled her fingers and took off.

"You cannot do that," Bucky was quick to tell Yori when it was just them again. "Why would you do that?"

"Because you were scowling again," Yori shrugged casually. "You already know the girl. It's even easier."

"You can't…you gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943…" Bucky had grabbed his beer for another long drink when his words registered in his head. Despite nearly choking, he croaked: "It feels like."

Yes, he did have history with Chloe and even though it wasn't all bad—those moments with her were the few precious memories he fought to keep right on the surface of his mind—he couldn't afford to mess things up even more than he already have.

And yet...

He found himself approaching Chloe after finishing lunch with Yori and the restaurant was less crowded. By that time, Chloe was alone. The guy she'd been talking to was long gone, with any luck. Chloe played with the straw in her drink.

"Took you long enough," she said before he even took a seat beside her. She raised her head, showing off a pretty smile. "For a while, I thought you'd sneak off."

For a moment, Bucky panicked thinking she'd read his mind...even though she technically couldn't. "I...was waiting for your friend to leave."

Chloe hummed. "Carlos is a co-worker."

Bucky actually hated how elated that one sentence made him. The good news is that he was a master of the straight faces. "Oh," he said simply.

Chloe patted the empty stool beside her. "I'm not here to reproach," she said as if she was once again reading his thoughts.

Bucky sat down and watched her call the waitress again for another drink. "Cute drink," he said once the glass was out of Chloe's hand.

She playfully rolled her eyes. "I'm working tomorrow and some of us can, unfortunately, get drunk."

"Is that why your friend was here, then?"

Chloe nodded. "He was explaining the situation."

"Interesting choice of venue..." Bucky remarked ever-so-casually. "I don't know much of S.W.O.R.D. but if they're anything like S.H.I.E.L.D. was, I doubt this crowded place was the right spot for secret missions."

Chloe lifted an eyebrow at him with an innocent shrug of her shoulders. "I've only been working with for a couple years. I don't exactly choose the spots."

Bucky tilted his head at her. She did the same. She could be an excellent mirror when she wanted.

"How did you find me?" Bucky finally asked her. Chloe tapped her left temple with a finger. Bucky nodded. "Of course."

"According to the Hivemind, there was a 99.9% chance of finding you in this location." Chloe thanked the waitress for her new drink. She side-glanced Bucky as she took her first sip.

"That Hivemind needs to mind its business," he told her, for the first time speaking with a light humor in his tone. He knew well enough that Chloe's abilities didn't always work under her control. The Hivemind she was connected to often gave her information she did not ask for. Though he wondered if this precise information had been requested. Did she really come to see him?

Chloe hummed. "Wouldn't that be nice? Of course that would have made my life a little more difficult in the past. Can't be the best hider if I don't know where the seeker is."

Bucky said nothing and gave a mere small nod. For years she'd been on the run from Hydra and was one of the who remained free of them in the end.

"You haven't answered my calls, Bucky," Chloe whispered. All the coolness she'd exhibited so far washed away. Bucky swallowed hard when she met his look and revealed a pair of eyes filled with pain. "You don't text back. You just...don't. Logically speaking, I should take that to mean you don't want to hear from me. If that's the case, I would rather you tell me in person, looking me in the eye."

"Chloe..." Bucky sighed, looking away as if to already defy her request.

"I won't say anything but I just need to hear it in person," she insisted. "After everything, I deserve that. And you deserve to have one less bother."

"You are not a bother," Bucky quickly clarified. She raised an eyebrow, silently asking him what the hell she was then because to qualify as a friend, he would actually have to talk to her. He sighed again. "Everything is just...so hard, okay? I can't get myself together."

"Of course you can't, you've only been here for what? Six months? After 90 years of hell, I expect the recuperation to be a long process." Chloe pushed her drink away from her and leaned towards him. "You and I were screwed over by Hydra. You were a hunter and I was a runner. I ran because I needed to, because I didn't want Hydra to catch me, and you hunted because you had to. You didn't have a choice. All that takes time to process and deal with, I get that, but what I can't figure out is why you won't let me be in your life again? I thought that in Wakanda we'd built something. Friendship, at least."

She was sparing them the almost encounters they had in those 2 years after the Accords. She was on the run again, this time with Steve and the others, but she always came to visit Bucky in Wakanda. It always surprised him to see her back, to see her wanting to spend time with him. He wasn't that stable to have any type of friendship and yet she kept coming back.

Bucky had met a couple women in Wakanda before Chloe, and they'd all been incredibly kind and mindful of his condition...but there was always something about Chloe. Chloe. It wasn't long before he found himself thinking about Chloe more than a friend, more than an aid. She came to help him, to spend time with him and discover parts of Wakanda and in the meantime he found himself falling in love with her.

The stupidest thing he could've done because there was no way they could ever happen.

And yet on a few occasions, they seemed to touch each other more often, longer than they needed to. The way they smiled at each other, their lingering looks...it was too much and sometimes, things happened. Chloe kissed him first. She apologized profusely to him immediately, going as far as saying she wouldn't come back to Wakanda if he didn't want to see her anymore.

The mere thought of never seeing her again scared Bucky like nothing ever had, and that was saying something. He had to kiss her back. She needed to know that she wasn't the only one thinking about things that shouldn't be.

Moments like those seemed to happen more often afterwards.

But they never had time to make anything official.

Then the blip happened.

And the rest was history.

"Bucky, please say something," Chloe said whilst trying to hide the desperation in her voice. "I'm trying really hard to be optimistic but if I'm just reaching, I'll stop and go. I don't want to get in the way of your recuperation. Should I...should I just go?"

And if you are alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell.

The damn shrink had a point and he knew it but it never stung so much before it dealt with Chloe. "...no." The single word had come out of Bucky in a frail whisper.

Chloe paused for a second, her head turning slightly as if waiting for him to take it back. Then, slowly, she straightened up on her stool. "I liked your friend," she said, catching him off guard with the quick change in subject. She pulled her drink back and took a quick sip. "He was cute."

Bucky raised an eyebrow at her. "Should I give him your number?" She laughed and within seconds, he did the same. Just like that, part of the ice between them melted.

"Do you want another drink?" Chloe asked, "Something cute?"

"Would it really make a difference, Chlo?"

Chloe struggled not to show the effect his nickname for her still had on her. She took another drink of her lemonade, a bigger one but she ignored the brain freeze. "Guess not," she mumbled.

Bucky let another moment in silence pass by before he was brave enough to ask her: "Why are you here, Chloe? Really?"

"You don't believe that I'd come to Brooklyn just to see you?" Chloe knew better than to ask. He always tried to be subtle about asking her why she kept coming back to Wakanda. Surely there had to be a better reason than to just see him. Her heart ached a little each time it happened. Bucky was so used to being, well, used that he couldn't straightaway believe somebody would want to visit him just to see him.

"I mean..." Bucky cleared his throat, eyes flickering away from her out of embarrassment, "You're working, aren't you? You've been very busy."

"I'm never busy for you," Chloe said with so much ease that it startled him. Her head turned slightly at him. "I was worried. You weren't answering me at all. Sam says you haven't talked in a long time now."

"I told you, all this...it's hard. I can't afford to be around you guys..."

"But you can afford to be around these people?" Chloe made a good counter-argument. "As sweet as that old man seems to be, he doesn't know you and it can't be easy sustaining a relationship with people you can't be completely honest with. I would know. Ever since I was 17, I've had to hide a big part of myself from people. You, Sam, Steve...you guys are the only ones who really know me. Do you want us to be around?"

"Yes," Bucky answered straightaway, "I mean, eventually...it's just hard." He was a broken record and he knew it. It frustrated him that he couldn't explain himself better. It was why he chose to stay away from people who knew him. It upset himself that he couldn't give them the proper explanations about why he was more reclusive, why he did the things he did. He preferred to spare them the trouble.

"You are not trouble to me," Chloe said quietly.

Bucky looked at her incredulously. "I thought you said you can't read minds."

"There was a 70% chance that you were putting yourself down," she explained with a light shrug of her shoulders, "I connected the rest of the 30% myself."

"That little Hivemind..." He pointed at her, earning a small smile from her.

"See, I'm trouble." Her eyes flashed a bright blue for show.

Bucky laughed shortly. Seconds later, he would realize it was the first honest laugh he had in a very long time. "I would like to say 'no you're not' but I think we both know that you are."

"Hey now," Chloe giggled. "I try to be on my best behavior every now and then."

"Oh, please. If there was ever anyone who embodied mischief, it's Chloe Winters."

"Hey!" Chloe playfully shoved his arm.

Bucky smirked at her. "Am I wrong?"

"You're a jerk!" She huffed. She took a dejected sip of her drink, though a big part of her was in a frenzy. She truly did miss being around Bucky. No matter how dark things were for them, it all seemed to fade when she was around him. They played off each other so easily, neither one had to try too hard. At least that's the way it felt for her. She could only hope that Bucky felt the same.

"I'm sorry," Bucky ended up saying, much like every other time when they bantered. He didn't like the idea of her being upset with him for any reason, even if it was all good-natured fun. He wanted to see her smiling at all times if it was possible.

Chloe rolled her eyes at him. "Sure.."

"C'mon, Chlo..." He reached over for her arm on the counter but when she moved it, he ended up taking her hand instead. He initially froze until the alarms started going off in his head screaming at him to pull back.

Chloe turned her hand underneath his around to hold it. Her fingers slipped between his gloved ones. "Don't pull away, please," she whispered.

Bucky swallowed hard and tried to focus on breathing, just breathing. He had trouble breathing for nightmares and memories but he hadn't had a moment like this since...Chloe. The last time they saw each other, she'd held his hand as well and unknowingly made it completely difficult for him to breathe normally. Even though this time he wore gloves, he could still feel her warmth pushing through the material to touch his skin. That wasn't one of her abilities; it was just her. He wanted nothing more than to touch her for real and feel her fingers against his skin. She always did that to him and she didn't even know it.

"I'm sorry," he felt the monumental urge to say, and perhaps repeat for days to come.

Chloe looked at him from the corner of her eye. She was pretty sure he didn't want her to see him like that. "I'm not here for apologies," she reminded. "Being honest, I was so worried that if I didn't find you, you would ultimately cut ties with me. Forget about me, even."

"I don't think I could do that even if I tried," Bucky stared down at their interlocked hands. Such a simple act was already bringing a rush of memories from Wakanda.

"Sometimes it feels that way," Chloe admitted. "What do you do when I try to call? When Sam tries to call?"

"Chloe..."

"Hey," the waitress stopped by their seats, "Sorry, James, we gotta close up."

Chloe took note that the woman was just being friendly and doing her job so she decided to direct all her irritation towards Bucky afterwards. "You're on a first name basis with strangers instead of caring for the relationships you already have!" She yanked her hand out from under his.

"It's not like that!" Bucky tried to say but she was already leaving money on the counter for her drinks.

"Isn't it?" she demanded. "Your phone's probably full of my unopened texts and unanswered calls. At this point, it's more mine than it is yours!"

Okay, maybe she had that point.

"C'mon, Chloe..."

"You know a lot of people consider me a bother but it would kill me if that's what you thought of me too."

"I already told you that you're not!"

Chloe shook her head and stood up from her stool. She slung her purse over her shoulder. "But you would rather not talk to me yet."

"Again, not like that! Chloe, please?"

Chloe rolled her eyes. Don't get upset, don't show you're upset. Because showing she was upset would probably only make Bucky feel worse. She would swallow her feelings down if it meant helping him get better. For that, it was better if she got going. She had very little self control when she was around Bucky and it was only amplified when he gave her that puppy-eyed look he was giving her right now.

"I should just go, Bucky," Chloe said and took off before he could say something persuasive.

Bucky was quick to follow her. "Chloe! C'mon, it's raining!"

Chloe saw the rain pouring down the windows as she neared the front door. Yeah, maybe it was raining a little too hard, but so be it. "I've noticed but I'm a big girl, I can handle some rain. I'll just call a taxi."

"You're in New York! Even I know it's impossible to get a taxi around here, especially when it's raining!"

Chloe pulled the door open. As soon as she did, she was slapped in the face by the cold air. She peered outside and saw the sky was dark and gloomy. Dammit. "I can walk," she said, plain and simple.

Bucky rolled his eyes. She was as stubborn as ever. "Do you even have an umbrella?"

Chloe's eyebrows raised. No, she did not. "I can walk," she insisted.

"Where!?" Bucky made a gesture at the streets. "It's pouring out there!"

"And yet, we can't stay here. It's fine," Chloe shrugged. "My hotel's, like..." She peered again to get another glimpse of the streets. Her eyes flashed blue as the exact information flowed through her lips. "Ten blocks from here."

Bucky's expression fell flat. "Chloe!"

She groaned. "I'm going!" She announced and walked onto the sidewalk. She regretted it as soon as the cold pellets of water hit her head and shoulders. It was freezing!

"Chloe!" Bucky went after her. The cold wasn't as bad for him. It was almost nothing, honestly, compared to the cold he'd seen in his days.

"I'm already walking!" Chloe flapped an arm to show her good pace. She was quick to bring her arm back to wrap around herself.

"Yeah, I see that, and you're not going to make it 10 blocks on foot!"

"Is that a challenge, Barnes?"

"Noo!" Bucky said fast. He learned early on never to challenge her because even if it was plainly clear that he would win (whether it was due from a physical advantage or he was just better at it), Chloe wouldn't back down. She was very competitive and while it was funny (and perhaps endearing), sometimes she could actually hurt herself. Right now, she may not be in danger except of getting a cold, but he still wasn't taking the chance. "Chloe, compromise time, please." He grabbed her arm to stop her. "Come back to my place and when the rain lightens up or stops altogether, you can go home."

Chloe shifted and not just for the heavy rain falling on her. "You want me to come to your place?"

Bucky knew exactly what he was asking and he stood by it. He already didn't sleep well and knowing that Chloe was on her own in the streets of New York under rain would make it even more impossible to sleep. He had to know that she was safe. "I'm 3 blocks away," he gestured to the street ahead of them. "You're going to get a cold out here."

"I may be cold but that does not mean that I'm going to get sick!"

"Chloe!"

"Fine!" She huffed. "Lead the way I guess."

"I guess?"

She shrugged.

Bucky hid his smile as he started the way. Bickering with her was always fun, especially when she made that face. Bucky looked over his shoulder and smiled to himself again. Chloe was right behind him, her face scrunched into what almost seemed like a pout. That was the face alright.

~ 0 ~

Chloe was shivering by the time they reached the apartment. She'd long ago forgot about putting up a front. Everything went out the damn window when her bones were actually hurting from how cold she was.

"I'm sorry, I don't have extra clothes..." Bucky hadn't really thought his plan through until they were already in the apartment.

"Sh-sh-shirt!" Chloe managed to say. "A-a-and a b-blanket!"

"Yeah," Bucky quickly agreed. He left her standing by the doorway in his haste to find her some warmer clothes.

Chloe let herself wander a few more steps inside. She didn't think Bucky would want any of the neighbors to see her. Plus, it was just damn warmer. She let her bag's strap fell to the floor. It didn't take long to notice how under-furnished the apartment was as a whole. Last time she'd been around, Bucky had just been putting it together...or at least that's what he had told her.

"You're a goddamn liar," she muttered under her breath. He would tell her anything to make her believe he was completely fine transitioning from the calm and peaceful life he had in Wakanda to the busy and noise lifestyle of Brooklyn.

"Hey," she soon heard Bucky call. He was making his way back to her and right away Chloe saw a gray shirt in his hands. "Obviously I don't have anything that'll fit your..." Interestingly enough, the words to describe her figure were lost on him. It wasn't like he'd spent a good part of his time admiring her.

"I-it's f-fi-fine," Chloe promised as she took the shirt from him. She absolutely hated the fact she couldn't talk without shuddering. Here he was acting pretty much normal for himself, making her appear more like a damn fool rather than a helpful friend.

"I left a blanket in the bedroom," Bucky told her.

"Y-you ha-ave those?" She lifted an eyebrow at him as of she were genuinely puzzled.

It took Bucky a short second to realize she was referring to the lack of furniture in the apartment. He rolled his eyes. "You're freezing to death and you still find time to be sarcastic?"

Her smirk was lopsided. "I-I can m-m-multi-task."

Bucky's own lips curved into what seemed like the makings of a laugh. "Chloe Rose, go."

Chloe thanked the heavens her body was too cold to be able to blush. Something about the way he said her middle name always gave her a tingle down her back. It was casual yet a sort of intimacy at the same time. Very few people knew her full name and even then, nobody seemed to say it with the same fondness that Bucky had.

"Oh, and hey Chloe?" Bucky called when she was down the halfway. "There's washing machines downstairs if you, um, want me to do that for you?"

"Wh-what?" Chloe's eyebrows knitted together. "N-No! You're n-n-not d-doing my-my laundry! I-I will!"

Bucky had expected that kind of answer so he took extra pleasure with his response. "Well if you want to go downstairs to do laundry wearing just a man's t-shirt, by all means...go ahead."

Chloe detested the smug grin on his face. "I-I-I f-fucking hate y-you."

"Soo...do you want me to do it then?"

Chloe turned away to keep heading for the room but she stopped right outside the door. "Hey, d-do y-you a-a-actually know h-how to-to use the machines?"

Bucky had also been expecting a jab like that. He was only unsure of when she would deliver it. "I'm not an entire idiot."

"Sure." Chloe pulled the bedroom door open and slammed it shut on her way in.

Bucky stayed right where he was, struggling to keep his laugh quiet and away from her. There were no dark moments when Chloe was around, she proved it every single time she was with him.

~0~

When Chloe returned, she was wrapped in a thick blanket. The t-shirt that Bucky could only do so much covering down to her knees. Her hair was no longer sticking to her face but was in need of a good brush.

Bucky was coming out of the kitchen with a mug in his hand. He'd dried up and changed as well, no doubt having already did the laundry for her. "You're cold so...coffee?" He awkwardly held the mug to her.

Chloe would've laughed at how out of place he looked at that moment if things weren't so complicated. Instead, she walked over to take the mug. "Thanks." She moved past him for the lone sofa chair he had. "How's the laundry?" she asked after making herself comfortable. She'd pulled both her legs up to the chair and wrapped her blanket over, leaving a small gap in the middle to move her arms. "Did you figure out the machines?"

Bucky rolled his eyes. "Yes. It'll be done soon but...I don't think the rain's stopping anytime soon."

"Seriously?" Chloe sighed, glancing at the window on the far end of the room. She could hear the rumbles of the thunder.

"This is yours..." Bucky was coming to hand her purse she'd left behind earlier. "Your phone's been buzzing..."

"Of course." Chloe mumbled a 'thanks' as she grabbed her bag from him. She opened it up with one hand and pulled her phone out. Sure enough, she had a bunch of missed calls from her co-worker.

"Sounds like you're a busy girl," Bucky remarked. On the one hand, it made him happy to see Chloe had rebuilt her life after Hydra and the mess of the blip but on the other hand, it scared him that one day all her business would make it easier for her to forget him altogether. It wasn't a particular fair thought considering his poor efforts to be in contact with her.

Chloe hummed, her eyebrows raising as she went through the unread texts on her phone. "Sometimes, I wish I had the super endurance you people have. Would make everything a little easier."

"You don't need it. You never did."

"Maybe now I do..." Something flickered across Chloe's face after reading one text. The crease of worry marked her forehead.

Bucky long ago learned to recognize it. "Is the mission big?"

"I don't know," Chloe looked up to meet his gaze, "I was just getting preliminary details from Carlos at the restaurant and suddenly now we have concrete facts."

"How bad is it?"

Chloe's shoulders half-shrugged. "Dunno. Something about New Jersey and Wanda? I don't know but I have to be there by tomorrow night."

"You need to leave right now?"

"Not in this rain—nothing takes off in this weather. I'll just get back to my hotel no matter what."

"Chlo, you can't. It's pouring and it's getting late. I can't let you go like that! It's New York!"

"But—"

Bucky raised his hands in front of him. "I know I haven't been the best to you but let me try to mend some of that by keeping you safe for tonight."

Chloe smiled softly at him. "You don't have to do that. I don't expect that from you, from anyone actually. I can take care of myself."

"I have no doubt but it's raining, Chloe. Please? Stay here and first thing in the morning I will personally walk you to your hotel."

"Again, you don't really have to—"

"Chloe!" Bucky relaxed when she smirked.

"Sometimes it's fun poking at you, but okay, I'll stay. Thanks."

Bucky nodded. "I know I don't have much but I do have a bed in the room so you can stay there."

"Yeah, I saw it..." Chloe also saw that it was perfectly made, almost like it hadn't even been touched at all. She wondered how long it'd been since he slept there. "Sure you don't want to take it? I'm not a stranger to sleeping on the floor, or couch for that matter."

Bucky shook his head. "Use it. I'll stay out here." Chloe lifted an eyebrow at him. She said nothing for a couple minutes but her stare was more than Bucky could handle from her. "What?" he eventually asked.

"You know I used to stay with Steve with sometimes back before S.H.I.E.L.D. fell. I used to think he was such a gentleman letting me sleep in his bedroom while he took the couch...until I realized that he didn't really want to sleep in his bed." Chloe watched Bucky shift on his feet. It was uncanny how the story repeated itself in different versions. "I asked him why that was. I mean, again, I've pretty much slept everywhere while I was on the run, and he confided me years later that the bed was too...soft. There were things that I couldn't understand but overall I got the gist that simple things like that weren't...as simple as I thought. They came with more meanings that, if you haven't seen certain things, you wouldn't really get it. I'm sorry that I don't get it but I'm here if you need something from me."

Bucky swallowed hard with her heartening expression. He could crawl into a hole at that moment and yet he wouldn't be able to do it knowing that it would take away that same heartened expression from her. "Chloe, I...I know you want to help and I'm thankful for it, I really am, but I'm just not sure what I need yet..."

Chloe nodded. She raised her free hand up to him and motioned him to take it. Bucky hesitated but the more Chloe pleaded with those eyes of hers, the closer he found himself to her until his flesh hand finally reached hers. The coffee and the blanket were definitely helping because she was much warmer than she'd been earlier.

"Whenever you figure out what I can do for you, give me a call," she said. "Give me a call, a text, even if it's small, okay?"

"Yeah," Bucky whispered. "It's...it's kind of hard to admit it's strange that people—mostly you—want me to talk to you that badly." His eyes were glued to her hand and he was acutely aware that despite holding her hand with his flesh hand, he was hesitant to squeeze or grip it.

Chloe's wry look went right over him. "Don't get all cocky with me," she warned.

"Asking me not to breathe, doll," he said automatically. Chloe smiled at the entire exchange. They'd started it in Wakanda and it would apparently continue even when they weren't exactly in the same places as they'd been before.

She squeezed his hand as much as she could. All plays and jokes aside, she met his eyes. "I've already lived in a world where you didn't exist. It was terrible. I don't want to repeat that again."

Bucky nodded silently. Her words carried a heavy weight that, as terrible as it sounded, he hadn't yet thought about. He was the first to disappear during the blip and that was that. Next thing he knew, he was back in Wakanda wondering where the hell everyone had gone. He fought some aliens and now he was in New York again.

For Chloe, the blip had happened and she was forced to live through the 5 years of disaster that followed because half the population had disappeared. She didn't get to magically go from one spot to the next. She had to come back to New York, figure out what the hell to do and then try to do it. Nothing was fixed because the blip was reversed, she still had to figure out how to live with the fact everyone was back now and at different places than where they used to be.

They were the prime example.

They used to be on a whole other level with each other before the blip. She would come by to Wakanda to see how he was doing and then spend days with him doing, admittedly, stupid casual stuff with him. They had fun with each other then; they had been finding their rhythm and sync and he liked it so much.

Now here they were, acting almost like strangers. It hurt her and it sure as hell hurt him too. He couldn't live like that. Whatever happened, he wouldn't be able to live like that.

"Hey Chlo, why don't you go rest?" He held his hand out for her to take. "Busy girl needs her sleep, right?"

Chloe playfully rolled her eyes at him. "I suppose I should for the mission but, really, what the hell could New Jersey have in store for me?" She chuckled and took Bucky's hand, allowing him to pull her up from her seat. "You'll be okay here, then?"

"Yeah." Bucky took her coffee mug from her and gestured the hallway for her. "I'll get your clothes for you later and leave them at the door."

Chloe agreed and headed for his room. She would find that the bed was truly neat and tidy, too much to have been used at least in the past weeks. She sighed to herself. She wasn't even going to pretend like it was shocking. All it did was break her heart. Instead, she made herself comfortable under the sheets and rested her head on the fluffy pillow. Her last thought before she dozed off was a lament that nothing around her smelled like Bucky.

~ 0 ~

When the scream echoed into the room, Chloe didn't initially realize that it wasn't her. She thrashed in the blankets over her trying to calm herself down until it clicked that she was already calm. She'd just been startled.

Two seconds flat is what it took her to jump out of bed and run out of the room. She sprinted to a stop in the living room, eyes wide and scanning the area for an immediate threat. The television was lit but on mute (she had to wonder if keeping it on mute had been for her sake this night) and across was Bucky, wide awake.

He had a nightmare, Chloe concluded. He was breathing far too heavily and even though it was dark, she was sure that he was sweating. She'd seen it all before. To Bucky's dismay, this wasn't the first time he woke her up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. Some nights in Wakanda had seen the same thing.

"Bucky?" Chloe approached him cautiously.

"Go back to sleep," he didn't hesitate to say. He forgot who he was dealing with.

"You know I can't." She took a few more steps forwards and stopped a couple inches from his side. She bent down in her spot, trying to be the utmost careful with him. "Please, can I stay with you for a couple minutes?"

He was staring at the ground. He couldn't face her. "Go back to sleep," he insisted, though this time he put an effort not to make it sound like an order.

"I can't sleep," she said simply. "I won't talk if you don't want me to. I know I have a big mouth but I'll keep it shut, I promise."

To her delight, and frankly to Bucky's surprise, a small laugh slipped through his lips. He blinked at himself for it and shifted away from Chloe. He was more self conscious than ever.

Chloe knew that too and she wondered if he'd forgotten that this wasn't new to her either. His lack of clothes wasn't effecting her. The only new thing would be the now clear sight of the vibranium arm of his but truthfully all Chloe cared for was helping ease his nerves.

"We can use my powers," Chloe offered to him. "You know that I wouldn't be able to see your nightmares and I wouldn't get any details unless you open that door for me."

Bucky shook his head silently.

She sighed. "Bucky, let me help you. We can try for one minute and if you don't like it, I will go to my room—your room—and not come out until morning. I swear."

"Chlo, you don't have to do anything for me." Bucky finally looked back at her. "You shouldn't have to."

"Why not?" she challenged him to come up with a good answer. "Why shouldn't I want to help somebody I care for? Wouldn't you do the same for me?"

"That's not fair..."

"But it's an honest question. One minute, please?"

Bucky would end up agreeing for his own sake at some peace. Chloe's abilities were strange in that they allowed her to help people with internal issues. Chloe peacefulness they had dubbed it. She'd done it many times for him and for others in the past.

Chloe moved in front of him and sat on her knees. She held her hands out to him, palms facing up. "C'mon," she whispered.

"But my hand..." Bucky opened and closed his vibranium hand. All the times before had Chloe helping him with his flesh hand (his only hand at that time). "It's circuitry..."

"And? It's connected to you." Chloe smiled encouragingly and wiggled her fingers for both of his hands. He reluctantly agreed and slid his hands over hers.

Like always, he closed his eyes and tried to relax. It was probably the hardest part of the process but he always ended up doing it. He used to admit to himself that it was mostly because of Chloe but she wasn't going to hear that now. A light blue glow started from Chloe's hands and it slowly enveloped Bucky's. He could feel that relief flourish in his body. Everything he had seen in his nightmare began to wash away. The weight from his shoulders would lift for a moment and let him feel other things, the things he didn't have a luxury to with all the darkness he carried.

And since Chloe was right there, most of his feelings were directed towards her. They rushed up and suddenly, he felt a lump in his throat.

Chloe thought she was hearing things in the beginning. It was usually dead silent when she and Bucky did this. She cracked open an eye and was surprised to see Bucky's face was scrunched up. "Oh my...Bucky?" He pulled his hands out of hers so quickly that it startled her.

"I'm sorry." He wanted to turn away from her but she was just as quick.

"Hey!" She grabbed onto his wrists as best as she could. "It's me. You don't have to hide tears from me." He still didn't want to face her but she moved her hands up to his face to keep him from looking away. "Stupid question but did I make this happen?" she asked. "Because if I did, I am so sorry. Sometimes these powers get away from me and I do more harm than good."

"It's not your fault," Bucky mumbled. He sniffed. "There's...there's so much in my head that there's literally no room sometimes. Your powers—they make the room. Suddenly I'm getting to feel the things that I can't feel all the time." New tears pricked his eyes. "I don't know what to do with them."

Chloe nodded. "Okay! Okay!" She couldn't take it so she hugged him. Surprised and all, Bucky froze. Chloe's arms were wrapped around his neck, her body pressed against his bare chest and head resting beside his. "I'm here," she whispered to him. "I'm here." It was a silly thing to say considering if anybody could keep anybody safe it was him. She just needed him to know and understand that she would try to help him as much as she could and as much as he would let her.

Bucky slowly moved his flesh arm over her back. His other arm slipped under her hair to rest over the back of her neck. She was here and he didn't realize how much he truly needed her until right now. He missed having her that close to him. He missed smelling her sweet floral scent when they hugged. He loved her—he needed her.

"I'm sorry, Chloe," he said.

She pulled back a little, perhaps a mistake because they were a lot closer than she thought they would be. "For what? Dealing with stuff?"

"You're just so...kind, you know? From the very start." His hands touched her cheeks. He couldn't even begin to explain what he felt when Chloe smiled sheepishly at his touch. She didn't even flinch with the vibranium hand.

"Well, to be fair, you are kind of funny," she said. "I like funny guys."

Bucky laughed with her. He lowered his metal hand to his side. "I do try sometimes."

"Oh, I know you do. I've heard the stories." Chloe looked at him softly. "I'm always up to hear more. Any of your stories."

Bucky smiled at her. He tucked a curl behind her ear. "Maybe that would be nice. One story a week."

"Why only one?" she pouted.

"Because you're a busy girl."

"I'll make time, I promise."

"For me?"

Chloe deadpanned him. "Don't belittle yourself in front of me. I'd do anything for you."

There she went smiling again. Bucky couldn't ignore it this time. He closed the already tiny gap between them with a kiss.

Chloe was surprised but only because she hadn't expected him to initiate things this time. She was guilty of initiating many of their moments in Wakanda. Sometimes she wondered if his 40s origins would sooner or later think she was too forwards.

But he never thought that.

She was guilty of loving him too much and letting her feelings take charge. She rested her hand on Bucky's cheek and smiled with red cheeks that were hidden in the darkness of the room. Before any words were said, she kissed him again. Her hands lowered to his shoulders then came to wrap around his neck. Bucky pressed her body flush against his and for a moment allowed his feelings to take charge as well; a luxury he didn't have and whatever little moment he was granted, he would take advantage of.

And when he heard her laugh, muffled as it was before they parted, it was like his already heightened senses had been lit on fire.

Chloe was smiling both to herself and the situation. "I don't think that was the best of my decisions," she said sheepishly.

"I don't know, it seemed pretty good to me," Bucky said. It made Chloe laugh a little again. "They always are."

"Yeah, but those were different times, Bucky. It was Wakanda. Everything was more peaceful for you. The things we did and said might not have a standing today."

"I don't regret anything I said to you," Bucky said, wanting to leave that clear for her. "I struggle with everything right now, yes, but I still stand by everything I said to you."

"Everything?" Chloe finally looked him in the eyes.

Bucky nodded. "I love you, Chloe."

Chloe bit the inside of her cheek to hold back the stupid tears she felt pricking her eyes. "Am I...am I still your girl?"

A smile tugged at Bucky's lips. "If you want to be. I'm not exactly at my best..."

"You're trying," Chloe said, leaning her forehead against his. Bucky closed his eyes and focused on the warmth of her body and the touch of her hand on his shoulder. "And one day things might feel better for you. I'll be there if you want me to, and I want to. For now, can I stay with you for the rest of the night?"

Bucky's eyes snapped open. "What? No! No, go...you should go back to the room and rest. I can handle this, I promise."

"I trust that you can but I want to be with you," Chloe said. "Plus...don't laugh but I don't really like the rain when it's going hard."

"You don't like thunder storms?"

"I said don't laugh!"

"I'm not!" Bucky wasn't laughing at all but his smile seemed close to turning into one.

"Can I stay, please?"

Bucky ultimately nodded. He wouldn't deny that having her sleep right beside him would definitely help ease the nightmares. And, like she said, she was afraid of the storms so...they were helping each other out.

Chloe beamed (though Bucky didn't miss the brief relief that first marked her face) when he patted the spot beside him. She crawled to the spot and together they laid down. Bucky pulled the blanket over them but more on Chloe's side. She had scooted closer to him, her back to his chest. Little by little, Bucky moved his vibranium arm over her body. The idea was that if anything happened, he would be able to better protect her this way. And that's really what he wanted to do with his new life: be close to her and protect her. That's what his girl deserved.

Tomorrow she would wake up and leave to New Jersey for some mission but this time, when she left, Bucky promised himself and Chloe that he wouldn't let her go. She wouldn't disappear like he had made it before. They would talk more and see each other more. Because one day, they would be together again. For real this time. Until that day, he would try to make himself better for himself and her.

[letsperaltiago]

a merry little christmas

Welcome to (once again belated) door four of four! 

Behind my Christmas calendar’s fourth door is a... baby’s first christmas, pure fluff oneshot ♥️ 

Summary: It's Baby's First Christmas and Jake and Amy are taking it all in - both presents and tiny surprises from their son. Pure domestic fluff for days.

Rating: G

Words: 2.2k

Read on AO3 here

Right then and there keeping a straight face, or just anything that looks somewhat close to it, is beyond impossible.

It’s Christmas morning, six AM to be more precise, and the still rather new, little family of three is slowly making their way through the presents waiting for them under this years’ Christmas tree. As a matter of fact, it’s rather Jake opening gifts meanwhile Amy is on the couch with their two-month-old son eating his second breakfast - that is if his previous meal at three AM can be considered breakfast. Jake likes to call those meals Midnight Mac Snacks.

“They really need to communicate more,” Amy chuckles, which causes her chest to jolt just the tiniest bit, alas apparently enough that it earns her a grumpy little cry from Mac to which she immediately reacts by stroking and repositioning the tiny infant’s head. “No need to complain, Mr. Mac. Mommy and daddy are just having some fun.”

“He’s bitter because all he got for Christmas is ‘Baby’s first Christmas’-ornaments.” Jake hasn’t stopped laughing since he opened the third ornament, from auntie Roro, which came after uncle Charles’ ornament. Upon unpacking this second ornament, from Charles, matching the first ornament from Holt, it didn’t cause much worry. The new parents simply saw it as a matching coincidence and they’d just keep both. Although upon unpacking a third one, they should’ve known: it was a perfect, hilarious 99th precinct-disaster.

Fast forward to present time, Jake is sat on the living room floor with not three but six ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ ornaments for his son. Sure, they’re all different styles and designs but Jake can’t help but laugh. In retrospect, he and Amy had told the squad that baby Mac didn’t need anything grand for Christmas as he was still so small and had everything he needed so far. They told their friends to save the money and spoil Mac for next Christmas, a Christmas he’d understand much better than the current. Turns out great minds think alike and everyone’s creative take on Mac’s gift had been the same.

“It’s kind of cute that they all had the same idea.” Mac has gone back to quietly suckling on Amy’s breast, allowing her time to chime in on perhaps this Christmas’ funniest moment yet. It’s too soon to declare it the funniest as they’re headed to a huge Santiago Christmas-dinner in the evening and anything can happen there.

For Christmas morning though they very early on, already before Amy gave birth, decided to stay home as they knew it’s what they’d prefer with their very new son. Sitting there, in the moment, looking at gifts from their incredible friends and Mac quietly eating in the lights coming from the Christmas tree, they’re both thankful to have made that choice. Sure, Santiago-Christmas morning was an event that you didn’t want to miss out on but this year, with very few hours of sleep behind them and vomit on both clothes and hair, it’s nice to be able to soak in the sweet surrender of their little trinity.

“We do have the best friends.” He picks up the ornaments, hanging them on his fingers to put on display for his wife. “What do we do with these?” A sheepish smile replaces the goofy grin from before.

“I don’t know…”

The doubt on Amy’s face, biting her lip, thinking hard, is clear as day which is understandable since Jake himself doesn’t hold the answer for their little dilemma. Giving them back to their respective giver is not an option - what would Holt do with a ‘Baby’s First Christmas Ornament’? -  and getting a refund also seems too cold. Fact is that each of their friends has had the same idea: they wanted to mark and somehow be a part of Mac’s first Christmas. Jake and Amy can’t, nor want to, take that away from their son nor their friends. All in all, there seems to be no good solution but one: keep all six ornaments.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Jake cocks an eyebrow, implicitly suggesting what his wife is already thinking.

“If you’re thinking that we should keep them all and put them on the tree, then yes, I am thinking what you’re thinking.”

At just the right time, almost as if he’s agreeing, Mac lets go of his mom’s nipple before letting out a small, hazy gurgling sound. A sound he’s never made before. Both parents freeze on the spot, forgetting all and everything about the ornament-issue.

“Did you hear that?” Amy asks, making it sound as if she doesn’t believe her ears and a second opinion is needed. Having studied all and everything for her first child’s arrival, everything this could possibly imply, Amy shouldn’t be surprised that her two-month-old is finally introducing his first small noises. The fact resides very clearly on the Milestones to Expect-index, page 2, in her ‘Two month’-binder. Yet here she is, Jake right there with her, surprised by this new accomplishment of her newborn - one of many accomplishments that she both loves and, even two months in, still is a bit nervous about discovering as she just rather know her baby fully by heart already. On those occasions where Mac’s changing, something she swears happens daily, makes her feel uneasy as if she doesn’t know him at all, she holds onto Jake’s reasoning: Some tests can’t be studied for.

And no matter how much she hates that fact, Amy knows her husband is right and she does love him for reminding her whenever she happens to fall down a spiral of doubt and frantically tries to grasp for the control that lies within facts, books, and lists.

Jake jumps from his spot on the floor as if it were lava and falls into place beside her on the couch where he can hover over his incredible son.

“I did but I didn’t fully realize where it came from right away, but oh my gosh, Ames! Our son is a genius!”

“Perhaps… Or simply in accordance with average-”

“No, Amy - a genius! Like his parents.”

Her husband looking as if he could burst any second, a firecracker of sorts and there’s no stopping the explosion, Amy hurries to put down her before lifted shirt and places Mac against her shoulder. Here she hopes he can both burp and, hopefully, make another glorious sound for them to be proud of. Jake leans in as though he and Mac are to exchange secrets behind Amy’s back and the milk-drunk infant, unable to control a whole lot, waves around his arm and just so happens to grab Jake’s index finger. During these first two months of Mac’s life, this has happened a few times already, the first time being at the hospital which caused Jake to cry happy tears Still, every single time, Jake feels reaffirmed by the fact that creating this tiny human being is one of his best decisions ever - that and telling Amy Santiago that he wished something could happen between them - romantic stylez.

“C’mon, mister. Show daddy how you talk.” Jake coos even though the little man of the moment seems far from interested in or bothered by his parents’ admiration and swooning over his new talent. His mommy patting his back does feel good though, especially when it helps a burp escape and Jake, of course, has to laugh because Mac is truly and fiercely his son. “Now that’s talking!”

“Not what I had in mind but nice to know he’s burped.” Amy chimes in and replaces the soft patting with small loving strokes, hoping to soothe her boy to sleep as the next step in his ‘eat, burp, sleep’-routine - even if Amy wishes Mac would make another sound. Just to confirm that she wasn’t hallucinating before.

“Make a sound for mommy, baby. Just a tiny one.” Amy takes her turn cooing a plea but it happens to be very much in vain.

“Aaand he’s dozed off,” Jake chuckles quietly whilst using his thumb to caress the tiny fist still wrapped around his index fingers, a fist that doesn’t let go even though the owner is already fast asleep with a mix of drool and milk caught in the corner of the gaping mouth.

“That was fast.”

“I don’t blame him. Life is exhausting.” Jake is carefully pecking his son’s head covered by thing, soft, black hair and even though Mac on her shoulder blocks the view, Amy smiles and wonders how she got to lucky with these two boys.

“Bedtime?” Amy asks, expectant of confirmation of whether or not Mac is far enough gone to be moved without waking up and throwing a tantrum that’ll mean they’ll have to spend another half hour or so lulling him back to sleep.

“I sure wouldn’t mind. I did prepare breakfast though.” It comes out mid-yawn, proving Jake’s point further, as he nods his head in the direction of the pancakes, courtesy of Jake, and hot cocoa, courtesy of the local bakery that has blessed their lives by opening at five AM, waiting for them in the kitchen.

“Not you, silly. McClane. You and I are definitely having that delicious cocoa. The smell of it has been tempting me since I sat down to feed.”

They mostly call him Mac. Mac or a thousand other things like Mr. Mac, Magic Mac, baby, monkey - one time, macadamia nut - and the options are limitless and renewed every day. Jake doesn’t know for sure but this might be the reason why the full name McClane being said, the context being that it’s his son’s name, makes him feel butterflies in his belly.  Either that or because he still can’t believe they named their son that. Perhaps it’s a bit of both reasons.

“Still can’t believe you agreed to that name.”

“Must’ve been a moment of weakness for me. I was pregnant and delusional.”

Amy teases and proceeds to carefully remove sleeping Mac from his spot on her shoulder, relocating him to the safety of her cradling arms.

“Delusional from the incredible round of sexy timez we had just prior to picking his name.”

“Jake,” she scolds as if the sleeping baby, which doesn’t even grasp the concept of speaking yet, were to be scarred by their explicit flirting.

“What?”

Amy’s already up on her feet, heads down the hall and into their bedroom with Jake close on her heels.  “I remember it so vividly.” Jake points to their bed. “We were right here, post incredible sex, and we got talking about baby names because a new suggestion had stroked your mind right before I came in and wooed you with my good, amazingly hot looks.” Amy’s head whips around from where’s she’s just focused on placing Mac in his cradle, double-checking that he’s still asleep, now displaying a cocked brow and overall expression that challenges his recollections of that conclusive night. Defeat hits him and his shoulders drop with a sigh.

“Okay, you were seven months pregnant and going through a particularly horny phase - which I, by the way, loved - and I, being a dutiful husband, couldn’t decline your explicit requests. But I do still stand by the fact that I boinked my way to the name McClane.”

“Oh my god,” Amy groans, partly in reaction to her husband, partly in reaction to her sore back making an appearance when she straightens up from tugging in the baby. “Stop besmearing our child’s name. I can still change my mind.”

“I’m right though.” In the meantime, Jake has approached his wife and wraps his arms around her. Pulling her closer, back to chest, and she instantly relaxes under the pecks he places on her neck. “And it’s an amazing name for an amazing little human.”

They smile in unison as they admire the life they created, carelessly and contently sleeping Christmas morning away, before them. Wrapped up in her husband’s arms and their perfect little son to look at, a fuzzy feeling that is way beyond and greater than happiness flows through Amy’s veins. The pecks to her sweaty and tired-feeling skin pick back up where they left off, systematically and how he knows she likes it, going around her neck and shoulder-area.

“I really wanna give in to how inappropriately horny you’ve suddenly made me, but…” she trails off with a sigh.

“You can’t stop thinking about the hot cocoa.” He finishes her sentence and the pecks are replaced by a muffled chuckle that tickles her skin. “It’s okay, Ames. I’m right there with you.”

“Thank God,” she groans.

“Hot cocoa and a Christmas movie we can fall back asleep to?”

This suggestion of Jake’s that will allow Amy to give into her tiredness is what she’s wanted to hear all morning.

“Sounds perfect. Grab the baby monitor?” She turns around to follow him back to their kitchen only to see him already holding the gadget with a tired, knowing smile plastered across his face and to Amy, even with his messy curls and shirt clad with stains of baby-vomit, her husband looks absolutely perfect.

Baby’s First Christmas might just be her favorite Christmas so far.

[random-mha-thoughts]

Stranger (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x Reader

Genre: Fluff, College!AU

Summary: While at a party you were forced to attend, you meet a mysterious stranger having fun by himself in the corner.

Inspo: A Tiktok by Designer_eyebags that has suddenly disappeared, it was too cute for me not to write honestly.

Word count: 2,476

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ @bunnythepipsqueak​

a/n:  When I tell you I'm a sucker for casual Todo esp Todo in a beanie?? Ded 

College!AU for Todoroki finally!  It was honestly about time!  Though, I feel like I could’ve done better with it, I wasn’t really sure where I wanted to take it so I just let it take me I guess?  But I think it's still pretty cute, so that's gotta count for something, right?

I've got another Baku scenario planned, and then a Midoriya one right after that (or I might reverse the order since I have the beginning of the Midoriya one written already).  Also thanks again for 300 followers!  Yall might be getting a surprise at 400, depends on when I finish these next few scenarios.

Buy me a coffee?

I don't want to be here at this party, but Ochaco told me I need to loosen up.  And she's tired of me whining about how single I am.  "Then do something about it!" she exclaimed, "Get out there and find someone!  You won't meet anyone if you stay in the same rut!"  She's lucky, she already has a boyfriend.  At first glance, he's a complete pushover, but he seems to be a social person.  At least, social enough to have friends who host dorm parties, apparently.  So here I am, in a stranger's dorm with colored lights and obnoxiously loud music.

The funniest thing about this entire party, though, is this random person I've been watching.   The music in the room is bumping to some EDM tracks, but this guy's having a blast in the corner of the room.  He's off in his own world, headphones on, swaying and mouthing the lyrics to whatever's playing, which might be more melodious judging by how much slower his head nods are.

Honestly, relatable.

I would've thought he was just drunk or on some really good drugs, but his movements are structured enough to show he still has coordination.  I'll admit, the way he's dancing around like no one's watching is pretty endearing.  He seems like a pretty fun guy to be around, I should go talk to him.   Ochaco abandoned me for her boyfriend, and this is my way of finding someone else, I guess.

I approach him slowly.  It would be a stupid idea to tap on his shoulder and interrupt him, I don't really want to break his flow.  I settle for standing by quietly, close enough for him to notice I'm staring right at him, but far enough so I don't break up his single-man party.

It takes him a while to notice me.  The music bleeding from his white headphones even in this loud environment tells me he's really trying to drown everyone else out.  His eyes are closed as his had bobs around, silently mouthing the lyrics to a familiar Top 40's song I've heard on the radio.  His casual outfit consists of black jeans, a half-white-half-black hoodie over a black T-shirt, gray Converse, and a matching beanie.  His hair on the side facing me is scarlet red, but from his movements, I can see the other side is snow white.

My lips quirk into a small smile as I continue to watch him entertain himself.  I probably look like a creep, just watching some other weirdo doing their thing in the corner.  I can't help it, he looks absolutely adorable, not to mention just a smidge familiar.

His eyes open for a brief moment just so he can blink and he double takes at me, freezing up and jolting backward.  He slides the headphones down around his neck and looks around before scratching his head.  "Hi... " he offers a slight wave.  "Was I bothering you?"

Now that he fully faces me, I notice he has two different colored eyes, and his features are sharply handsome, contrasting the staple casual soft-boy aesthetic of his outfit and his awkward speech.  "Not at all," I shrug, collecting my thoughts, "You seem like you're having the time of your life, so I thought I'd join you."

A slight blush coats his cheeks as he buries his hands in his jeans pockets.  "I apologize.  Perhaps what I was doing was distracting and inappropriate."

He's so prim and proper, it's adorable.  "No worries, no one was staring other than me," I assure him, leaning against the wall.  "So, why are you jamming all alone over here instead of being with your friends?"

"Ah, my roommate is spending time with his girlfriend right now, I don't really want to pry into their business."  He scratches the back of his neck nervously.

I sigh.  "Yeah, same here.  Your roommate wouldn't happen to be a Midoriya, would it?"

He blinks.  "As a matter of fact, he is."

"Wow, small world."  That really is a coincidence.  Can't say I was expecting to meet the roommate of my best friend's boyfriend, let alone find him alluring in some way.

The boy is silent for a moment.  "Honestly, I'm sleepy, but I lost the key to my room, so I have to wait for Midoriya.  I don't even have my wallet, unfortunately."  He fingers one side of the headphones.  "This is the only way to keep myself awake and occupied until he's ready to leave."

"I'd say you have guts to be listening to your own music at a party.  You must have a pretty great playlist."

He tilts his head to the side.  "I'm just not fond of this sort of music, it nauseates me."

"I feel that.  This, in general," I motion to all the happenings around us, "Isn't really my scene.  I'd rather be in my dorm alone."

He nods in agreement.  "Me too.  If it wasn't for me losing my dorm key, I would have already gone back."

Now that I've called attention to it, we really have drowned out the world around us, as if there was a bubble and I just popped it to return us to the present.  There's this magnetism between us to keep to ourselves, despite the awkwardness of this being our first encounter.

I kick off from the wall and face him.  "If you wanna hurry out of here, we can go somewhere else to talk.   Or if you wanna go eat, I can pay for you, it's no big deal."

For the first time in our conversation, he turned to look at me head-on.  "Really?" he cocks an eyebrow, "We've only just met, do trust me that much?"

I offer an amiable smile.  "You seem like someone I'd like to get to know."

We walk into the darkness of campus at night, talking about nothing in particular.  Whatever random question that popped into my mind was whatever I asked him.  He's a quiet one, very hesitant about opening up and answering my questions more than what I've asked.  I guess I like how mysteriously awkward he is, it's cute.  Normally, I'm not one to talk either, but when it comes to someone who's even less of a talker than me, I take the lead just to make them comfortable.

His name is Shouto Todoroki, he's in the same year as me, a business major because his father wants him to take over the family company.  He's the youngest of his siblings, his parents are separated, and he's a cat person.

Finally reaching a diner just a block off campus, I instinctively stroll up to the counter.  At first he stands behind me, unsure what to do as he stares at the seat next to me.  I eye him with another smile.  "I guess you've never sat at the counter before?"  At the shake of his head, I pat the stool to my right.  "Come on up, it's not that different from sitting in a booth."

Slowly, he hoists himself up onto the seat and rotates over to face me.  "Do you come here often?"

"Sort of, I'm alone most of the time.  I don't usually come this late though.  After my classes, I would come here because I love their burgers.  I like sitting here to just do some homework."

The waitress gives us the menu and takes our drink orders.  The diner is empty this time of night, save for a group of probably drunk students from our college and a truck driver at the other end of the counter across the room.

"What do you feel like eating?" I ask.

Todoroki's staring at the menu in great thought, holding his chin with one hand.  "Maybe a sandwich.  Or a pasta dish, I'm not sure yet."

"I think..."  I scan over the menu.  I'm not that hungry per se, I just wanted to get out of that party with this adorable stranger.  "I'm gonna have a bowl of soup.  It'll warm me up after being in the cold outside."  I rub my cold hands together and tuck them inside the sleeves of my sweater.

The boy glances down at my hands before his cheeks blush slightly.  He tries to hide it by rubbing the back of his neck.  "Would you like me to...hold them for you?  I've been told I have pretty warm hands..."

It's my turn to blush now.  "Sure, thanks."

He stretches out his left hand onto the table, tentatively covering my clasped hands.  Surprisingly, I find his hand is large, able to surround both of mine entirely.  And they're pretty muscular, I'd say.  "Your hands are pretty warm," I comment, almost dumbly.

He nods wordlessly in response.

Our shoulders almost brush because of how close I'm leaning to him.  I'm close enough to smell his fresh scent coming off his jacket.

The waitress returns with our drinks and startles us into ripping our hands away from each other, bumping shoulders in the process.  She takes our orders on her pad before smiling at us.  "Aw, you two look so cute together," she coos and walks away before we can correct her.

Suddenly I don't know what I should say now.

"What made you come here one day?" Todoroki asks, his cheeks brushed pink.  I appreciate his attempt at making things less awkward.

"I like having comfort food, I guess."  I stir the straw in my water.  "I get easily overwhelmed and homesick, so I like eating my feelings in a way."

His hands cup his warm mug of tea.  "I can't say I agree with that.  I wanted to get away from home.  It was suffocating there."

"That must be difficult."  Out of reflex, I raise my hand to pat his shoulder, stopping myself right before I can touch him.  "I'm sorry-"

"I don't mind it," he blurts out quickly.  "But only if you're comfortable."

I chuckle at his eagerness and rest my hand there.  "We've become somewhat awkward again, huh?"

"Should I ask some questions, then?  Since you were doing that earlier."

"Sure, go ahead."

Todoroki's questions were difficult to get out.  He didn't ask as many as me since he thought very carefully before asking them.  They weren't typical small talk questions you would ask someone you just met; they were thought-provoking, which I admit is something I appreciate way more.  His last question was to discuss what would be the most important items to have you were stranded on a space mission with a group of people.

"Why wouldn't you want a flare gun?  It could help the home base locate you from the light."

"Yes, normally, but it wouldn't work the same in anti-gravity space," Todoroki explains monotonously.  "Though, the force of the shot would at least allow you to propel you in a certain direction if you're floating around aimlessly."

"You have a point.  But we agree that rope, oxygen tank, and water are definitely essential for survival."

The waitress sets our food in front of us.  Todoroki ended up getting a vegetarian panini just because he didn't really want any meat tonight.

"Will you be satisfied with just that soup?" he eyes my bowl carefully.

I start ripping at the toasted bread on the side and dip one into my tomato soup.  "Yeah, I'm not terribly hungry, and I haven't had this soup in a long time."

We eat in a somewhat comfortable silence.  I feel like we've gotten to know each other pretty well, but there's still the awkwardness surrounding us.  Nothing really told me why he was so familiar to me at the party either.  I don't really remember him at any of the previous outings I was forced to attend.

Todoroki puts down his mostly eaten sandwich.  "I must...confess something.  I-"

"Are you a creepy stalker?" I casually joke, dipping my spoon into the soup.

His face turns blank and the life drains from his eyes.  "N-No!  Not at-!"

I shove him lightly.  "I'm just joking!  You look like you've seen a ghost.  What is it?"

Color returns to his face as he looks down at his unfinished burger and fries.  "I've...been to a couple parties with Midoriya before, and I admit I've seen you already.  To say you never caught my attention is a lie.  Actually, I...hoped to see you every time he offered me to join him."

I'm frozen in place, my cheeks heating up at the implication.  "Does that mean you've taken an interest in me?"

He inhales carefully.  "Yes, I have."

"So...you'd like to see me outside of parties then?"

"Yes."  He rubs his hands together.  "We could even come back here, if you'd like."

"I wouldn't mind that."  I avert my eyes away from him, ashamed to be shy like this.  "But next time, you're trying a burger here."

His chuckle reminds me of the tinkle of wind chimes, except deeper.  "It's a date."

I can't stop myself from smiling, my heart skipping a beat at the word.  Wow, I actually found someone decent at a stupid college party.

We finish the rest of our meal in silence again, and I paid as I promised.  It felt like we were holding back a secret from everyone else in the diner.  We just started dating in the middle of our first meal together, how cute is that?

We leave and start heading back to the dorms, keeping a distance between us.  Neither of us really know what to say after a sudden change in relationship status like that.

Todoroki coughs awkwardly.  "If you don't mind, I'd like to warm your hands up again.  Only if you're okay with it."

That's such a cute way of asking to hold hands, I gush inwardly.  I close the distance between us, allowing him to gently grip one of my hands in his.  He tucks our joined hands inside his hoodie pocket, pulling me closer to him.  It feels like I'm walking on clouds.

He walks me to the front of my building.  He'd gotten a text from Midoriya that he's back at their room and will open the door for him when he returns.  "Thank you for the meal."  His eyes express his gratitude clearly as he stands in front of me.  "It was more enjoyable with your company."

"Don't mention it.  It was great having someone to talk to."  I realize I've unnaturally used my left hand to brush my hair behind my ear because my right hand is still in his pocket.  Standing so close to him makes me nervous.

Todoroki lifts our joined hands to place a feather-light kiss on my knuckles.  "I look forward to next time," his low voice resonates smooth as butter, eyes boring into mine.

I can't meet them for very long after, breaking eye contact with him sheepishly.  "M-Me too."

[lost-in-zembla]

Disco Elysium or: How I learned to Stop Wallowing and Love the Game

I will now review a videogame. No real spoilers. Just very vague descriptions below.

My writing this is uncharacteristic of me. I find most writing surrounding the video game industry to be repugnant. The industry (including the media surrounding that industry) relies upon the subsumption of subcultures on the fringe into the very center of the infernal machine where the dedicated and nostalgic nature of its fanbase can be exploited for capital. It’s the same process that produces Iron Man Funko Pops. Call me a jaded and pretentious pseudointellectual poseur, but in the case of Marvel the idea that this fucking billion dollar franchise with the biggest actors in the world somehow retains this guise of this ‘geek’ subculture is disturbing to me.

(If you have played the game Disco Elysium, then you can probably already see part of why I enjoy it so goddamn much.)

I don’t mean we should gatekeep. My point is the media attached to these quote-geek-unquote industries wants to milk the same cash cow (e.g. 10 AWESOME THINGS IN THE LAST OF US 2!) Coming from an academic environment of criticism, I crave at least the appearance of an honest and thorough critique of art. In my experience, you really need to go past the surface to find any reliable ‘takes’ on contemporary videogames. That being said, there’s a lot of good work being done in the form of video essays.

In any case, I play videogames relatively often. Competitive shooters, mostly. But I suffer no story in videogames. Why would I? I read the most *genius* pieces of literature in the English language. I’m too *good* for that. So when I heard all the buzz about Disco Elysium last fall, it fell on deaf ears. Detectives? Disco? Isometry? Story-heavy. Ugh. I’m interested in none of that. But about a week ago, a friend of mine bought the game. Unlike me, he is a real adult with a real job so it was just a whim on his part, I believe. I looked at the game and, with Steam’s lax refund policy in mind, I bought it. In the past week I have put approximately thirty hours into this game. This review is a way for me to explore my own thoughts surrounding the game, thoughts that I didn’t include in my steam review (See below.)

So it was devastating, sure. And this devastation was somehow positive. One thing that I would like to make clear about me talking about this game is that it is fucking useless. Disco Elysium possesses that quality that exists in all great art; it is irreducible. When I try to explain this game to my friends, I find that my words fail to describe what’s so great about the game. Let me give you the elevator review I’ve come up with. *This game has allowed me to explore the breadth of human experience*. It’s an absolutely insane thing to say about a game. The writing, the art style, the story, the world, the RPG gameplay, they all work together to create a kind of experience that I have never encountered in a piece of art before aside from those few, fleeting moments when you feel as though you truly *get* an encyclopedic novel you’re reading (and in my case I usually don’t get it.)

I will not delve too deeply into the mechanics of the game. There are probably plenty of articles and videos that describe the game already. Put simply, the game is about choices. You can choose to solve the murder however you want. You can say absolutely batshit things to people. You can say mildly bemusing things. You can speak apocalyptic prophesies, espouse communism, conservatism, Moralism. race science.. There are moments when you genuinely *feel* like you can say anything, which is quite a feat when you really only have a few dialogue options at any given moment.

As you’ve noticed, this is not a review of the videogame. Playing this game after a tough breakup was sort of earth-shattering. I mean, not only am I navigating through a strange virtual world with its own history and culture and cosmological makeup, I’m diegetically grieving over being left by my *divinely* beautiful ex while I, the player, undergo a similar process and find similar coping mechanisms. Playing this game was like knowing the funniest clown in the world, a clown so funny that you thank him when he occasionally punches you in the chest to make you *feel things*.

The plan wasn’t to make a character whose qualities reflected my own. I just wanted to play the game. I wanted to win. It just so happened that because *I* was the one playing the game, the character essentially turned into me. It doesn’t help that I, too, have had my issues with alcohol, drugs, commitment, and mental health (in no particular order). The character ended up becoming *me* in a way that I’d never experienced before. I faced ethical dilemmas. My ideology was shaken. This game achieves unbelievable mimesis.

Here’s the wild thing: this game has changed me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old white boy who just watched The Boondock Saints and got a pretty okay over-the-pants handjob at the same time. I’m thinking about my life in terms of choices. The game enforces a kind of perspective of the world that highlights its contingency and the permanence of choices. You can, of course, save your progress in the game and reload whenever, but I found myself just sort of riding out the bad choices I made unless they were game-ruiningly catastrophic. (E.g. I had a “thought” equipped that made me fail every unrepeatable *red* check during a pivotal firefight; it was a hilarious disaster. We were essentially mowed down.) I stood by most of my bad choices. After all, I made the choice using the information I had at the time.

I am not good at this game. I absolutely bungled the investigation. I was just a pawn for forces far greater than myself. Seven people died, and I know that I could’ve saved a few of those people, if not all of them. I think about it sometimes. I think about what I could have done, how I could have gone deeper to find out what’s *really* going on, how I could take control of the investigation rather than be taken control of. Maybe I’ll play the game through again, but the first playthrough is kind of magical if you know absolutely nothing about the game like I did. If not for an absolute deus ex machina at the end, I would have been taken to the madhouse. It would have been an unbelievable failure.

During that deus ex machina moment, by the way, a goddamn tear rolled down my cheek. Yeah, I’m in a rough place, personally. But I don’t *cry* over characters in art. They’re not real. But damn if that changed.  I tell you it’s changed *me*. I care more for characters. I know they’re not real but they represent something that I can relate to, no matter who they are. This game has made me think about empathy more. Maybe it’s because I dumped all my points in the emotional skills. Maybe I’d be more violent if I rolled with the physical skills. Maybe I’d feel like a superstar if that’s what I chose to pursue in the game. Disco Elysium feels open-ended enough that if you sign up for the story, the aesthetic, and the investigation itself, then you can get whatever you want out of the experience. The game, again, achieves incredible mimesis.

The mimesis is so convincing in Disco Elysium that it feels as open-ended as reality, with one caveat: you *know* it's a game. You, as a player, know that the experience of Disco Elysium is a designed one, that it was created as a sort of origami structure, that there is narrative and, god help us, *meaning*. What this game-knowledge afforded me during my playthrough was the constant sensation of synchronicity. I found myself saying “I don’t know how this element will fold into the grand structure of the game, and it almost seems impossible that it should become part of the investigation narrative.” But because I know it’s a game, I am graced with the confidence of the highly religious. Everything will come together in the end.

This is not a review for a videogame. This is a confession. I am deeply flawed and I want to change that. My worldview has been shaken because of a videogame. I don’t want to be that kind of animal anymore.

I’m trying to empower myself, to become more aware that my choices do indeed matter, have always mattered. I’m trying to be more pragmatic, to consider the things I want to do in terms of their result rather than the momentary pleasure I will derive from doing them. Now *that’s* a change for me. 

I’m trying to be more empathetic, more willing to imagine the perspectives of others. 

I am trying to give the world around me the benefit of the doubt. It is easy for me to think of the world as a random coincidence of matter, but if you look at the world with totality in mind everything seems to take on this Spinozan glow of divinity. The human mind is a meaning-making machine, I think. If I look at the world as fundamentally devoid of meaning, then that is still meaning. It is nihil-ism. It’s still an -ism. But if I ascribe to the world a kind of glowing potential, as though meaning were to be found in every speck of matter, then I feel invited to participate in this massive dance that we’re all a part of. 

I’m trying to be more adventurous, because beneath the surface of things there seems to be a vast network of relationships, causation, possibility and, god help me, *story*. Or maybe it’s not beneath the surface of things, maybe there is no Deleuzian schizophrenic depth beneath the surface, perhaps the world is a homogenous and ever-developing surface upon which I constellate meaning and, thereby, create it. I’m trying to create a story for myself that will hold a candle to my experience playing Disco Elysium. I didn’t ask for this; it was just what I needed. It was, in a word, unforgettable.

[salmankhanholics]

★ Salman Khan: Who am I? Even I don't know myself! 

iNTERVIEW: SALMAN KHAN

May 22, 2019

Salman Khan admits he has changed a lot over the years, opens up about future projects, joking that Dabangg will stop at 743rd instalment... He’s the boss even in a makeshift shamiana in the parking lot of a city studio. The night is young, and the mood is mellow. As he gears up to embark on a six-decade cinematic journey, Salman Khan, as always, is full of surprises. He cracks jokes with a straight face, shares changes that he’s noticed in himself without the slightest discomfiture and reveals plans that sound impossible but with Salman you can never tell. Excerpts from an interview: Your director Ali Abbas Zafar has said that Bharat is a film that could only be made with you because of the beautiful relationship you share with your father (Salim Khan)? Everyone shares a beautiful relationship with their parents. So, this film could have been made with anyone and they would have done complete justice to the film because the script is so beautiful. Ab bolne ke liye it can be said that because I share a beautiful relationship with my father, mother, sisters, brothers and friends I was the only choice but the fact is that had anyone else done it, it would have turned out just this way, maybe better. It’s an official adaptation of a Korean film, Ode To My Father… We’ve taken the rights of that film, but it’s changed a lot. Their culture is different from ours and when you adapt it, scenes change, moments change, the screenplay changes. But the plot has remained the same. Having written stories and screenplays yourself, what was it about this one that caught your attention? My visual of this film is that of two old men standing together at the end with tears in their eyes. Beta bhi buddha, baap aur buddha.. Since the age of nine, this guy has been waiting for something like this to happen… Ali says he now has a two-hero script for a film which he’d like to make with Shah Rukh Khan and you. I don’t know anything about this. At the moment there’s only Bharat. What does the word Bharat mean to you? It means my country, the country I love, and what I can do for it. Every year on Eid you come with a film which is like a gift... an Eidi for your fans. Films arrive during every festival, whenever one is ready, aa jaate hain. Dabangg 3 will come this Christmas and I’ve had releases during Diwali too. It’s just a coincidence that some of my films have opened around this time which makes people say that Eid is booked by Salman Khan. Arre, any actor can come during the festival, it’s a good date, a holiday, when people have got their salaries and their bonuses. Since this is the only entertainment we have, they come flocking to see their favourite heroes. It’s strange, when you are watching something on the digital platform, you watch alone, but when it’s a film, you always take family or friends along. Picture sab saath mein baith ke dekhte hain aur isse bonding ho jaati hai theatre ke andar. What kind of films did you grow up watching? The kind of films I’m making right now, and I went to the theatres to watch them. And believe me, the best kind of marketing for a film is still in-theatre promotion. The posters we saw in the foyer and the trailers we waited for, are what draw cinegoers. People come to the theatres to watch films all the time and for them posters must be tangaoed and trailers chalaoed so they know what’s arriving next.

There’s another Korean film, Veteran, around a detective and a crime syndicate…

Yeah, it’s an outstanding film. Atul (producer brother-in-law Atul Agnihotri) has acquired the rights of both Ode To My Father and Veteran. Will you feature in the Hindi adaptation of Veteran too? We will see about that. Dabangg 3 traces how neighbourhood rowdy Chulbul became Inspector Robinhood Pandey. What triggered off the idea of a prequel? The plot was in our minds when we were writing Dabangg. So the franchise was conceived as a three-part series. No, the first and the second parts which were linked lead up to the third. It was like iske baad yeh hoga aur third mein yeh hona chahiye. So there’s going to be a Dabangg 4, 5,6… Where do you stop? We will stop at (after pondering for a moment) Dabangg 743. It will spin for 700 years? No, we will finish everything Ek saal mein kitne aayenge? (Smiling) Aa jayenge. The TV show, Bigg Boss, has become synonymous with you but buzz is, you will not be hosting this season. True? I wish it were true but I’m doing it. What do you enjoy about getting people into the house every year? I don’t enjoy it. Endemol and Colors enjoy picking up people and putting them in the house who I have to then deal with. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don’t enjoy it, not at all. But I get to learn a lot from them. Would you allow anyone to lock you into a house like that? I would never allow it, but unfortunately, I don’t have a choice. They do come and pick me up and block me. Not anymore… No? I hope not. As an actor you’re always playing characters written for you, in the process don’t you lose sight of the real Salman Khan? People write different characters for me and I think I am doing them differently, but they all turn out the same. That’s my speciality! Kitna bhi different le kar aao, they all end up looking alike. As Ali says, even when you are playing a character, Salman Khan doesn’t disappear 100 per cent. Perhaps that’s what your fans like… They come to see Salman Khan, but they need to see who I really am. Who am I? Even I don’t know myself. I have no idea. So you see a lot of changes in Salman today from the one who did Maine Pyar Kiya? Oh, yes. But your director, Sooraj Barjatya, says he saw the same “beautiful soul” of Maine Pyar Kiya a quarter of a century later in Prem Ratan Dhan Payo… Sooraj sees what he is in others. He has not lost his innocence and his niceness. But I know that naivety in me disappeared a long time ago. I see a huge change in me and that’s how it should be. You can’t have the same innocence at this age, you will look like an idiot. Sanjay Leela Bhansali who is reuniting with you on Inshallah after almost two decades mentioned that you simply picked up from where you had left off… That’s how it should be, whenever he and I meet, there is this connect It’s just not an actor-director relationship. Just because he was working with other actors, it didn’t have to hamper or spoil our equation. I work with other directors too, so should he. Now, we will be collaborating on this very sweet love story. The film pairs you with one of the most promising young talents we’ve had in recent years… See how she’s turned it around, from a student to now, it’s beautiful! And no one can take credit for her growth except Alia herself. Jo bhi bole humne usko banaya hai, is not to be believed. It’s Alia who has honed her talent. What’s it like to be working with this bundle of talent? A godown of talent will be meeting with a bundle of talent… (Laughs) Actually there’s no talent here. Tiger Zinda Hai 3 is expected to start soon... It might, I’ve still to hear the script. Right now, I have two films. Will Katrina Kaif return? Of course. Dabangg will always have Sonakshi (Sinha), Jackie (Jacqueline Fernandez) will always be a part of Kick and Tiger can never be made without Katrina. Talking of Jacqueline you brought art into her life… (Smiles) Yeah, she was painting a lot during Race 3. Planning to share some of your paintings with the world? There’s just no time to paint now, but in around three months time I’ll have an exhibition for sure. What about your other ventures? There was talk of you starting a restaurant… Restaurant? No, that’s not on the cards, but we are retailing in clothing, jewellery, gyms and equipment, with the focus being on quality and durability. Mashallah, all the ventures are doing well with plans of getting much bigger. As a producer you recently gave your nod to a romcom revolving around a wedding to be directed by Rohit Naiyar… Rohit was the assistant director on two films I’d done with Raj Kanwar. Minutes into the narration I stood up and began laughing. It’s one of the funniest scripts I have heard. Your wedding has become a national concern…. Yeah, I think I should announce it on May 23… (Laughs) Seriously, any plans? Not for some time. And children? You love them… (Smiles) I want children, but with children comes the mother. I don’t want the mother, but they need one. But I have a whole village to take care of them. Maybe I can work out a win-win situation for everyone.

[tv-kitchen]

Why Fleabag Season 2 Keeps Sticking with Me (And It's Not Just the Hot Priest)

This post is for people who have watched both seasons of Fleabag on Amazon Prime Video and contains spoilers.

If you've had a conversation with me in the past two weeks--online or in real life--I have inevitably brought up Fleabag. This elicits one of two responses:

           "Uh, Fleabag? What is that? Sounds gross."

           "OMG FLEABAG!!!"

For the latter camp, there's an immediate bond in the knowledge that this show is something special. And while much of the attention is on Andrew Scott's Hot Priest (who is, as Claire points out, quite hot) there's something more here. Other shows have had charming actors or sharp writing or an original voice, and Fleabag is undoubtedly a rare combination of all three.

But still, there's something else.

Here are a few of my guesses on what creator Phoebe Waller-Bridge has done that's resonating so strongly with the people who love, and are in love, with this show.

1. It's about forgiveness.

When people talk about the divisiveness of today's politics and general cultural landscape, I think what they're really mourning is the loss of forgiveness. Nobody can make a mistake, and if they do, they're cast out from the conversation, from existence, almost. Everyone is on edge, scared they'll be the next to screw up, sometimes in ways they didn't even know they could.

About a year ago, I made a comment online about the NFL national anthem protests that I phrased badly. I immediately got a condescending rebuke from someone I've known for nearly 20 years. Because of this history, I asked this person to consider my comment in the context of what they know about me. The response? That what this person knew about me is that I'm a writer and I choose my words very carefully. In other words, that it was impossible I could have made a mistake. I was swiftly unfriended.

This confirmed my worst perfectionist fears: One misstep means you've messed it up for good. So the safe route? Stay hidden. Don't try. It's not worth the risk.

Season 1 of Fleabag is primarily about Fleabag's inability to forgive herself for what we discover was her role in Boo's death. To get there, she benefits from the forgiveness of others. She remembers Boo reminding her that pencils have erasers because people make mistakes. This same sentiment is echoed by the Bank Manager as he approves her loan, after earning his own forgiveness from Fleabag at the silent retreat.

In season 2, Fleabag and the Priest connect through a clear history of shared flaws. They've each tried to numb these issues through an approach to sex--she has lots of it, he chooses to have none--and ultimately, they're each looking for someone to tell them they're good people.

As funny as it is when the Priest overhears Fleabag's salacious conversation with the Hot Misogynist at the door of her apartment, and when he later opens her coat to see she's only got underwear on underneath, there's also an undercurrent of forgiveness and acceptance to the scene. A lesser script would have him walk out in judgment ("I think I've made a mistake") but he shushes her attempts to explain. He knows exactly what was happening--and he accepts her anyway, because he takes it in the context of everything else he knows about her.

2. It portrays people who are good at their jobs.

This is a less philosophical observation, but so much of modern comedy finds humor in incompetence. With Fleabag driving the show from her very specific point of view, it would be easy to portray her as smarter than everyone else, rolling her eyes at the dummies who come in and out of her life. (Think Veep.) But instead, Waller-Bridge lets Fleabag learn from people who are older, wiser, and skilled in their work.

The therapist scene starts with one of the series' funniest throwaway lines--"I have dry forearms"--but as the conversation progresses, we see she's a good therapist. Fleabag thinks she can coast her way through with jokes and psychological buzzwords, but the session ultimately helps her.

In that same vein, Fleabag's father was right to give her the voucher for the session. It's played for an awkward moment at the dinner table that he thought it was a suitable birthday present, but it was actually some good parenting, that. She was struggling, and he was brave enough to guide her toward the help she needed.

Even the Priest--our hot, hot Priest--is shown to actually be a good priest. Yes, he has alcoholic tendencies and he's, as he says, really fucking lonely, but he likes his job. In such a tightly scripted series, I've wondered why Waller-Bridge spends so many lines on the Priest going through the notices at the end of Mass. But it's to show that he's good at this, and his parishioners recognize it.

The scene in the confessional--inspirer of sexy gifs that it is--also is about him helping her acknowledge the vulnerability she's been hiding up to that point. (I'm convinced this is when he truly falls in love with her.) She hints at being burned in the past ("I tell you my secrets so you can use them to trap and control me"), but he asserts himself as someone she can trust ("You tell me what's weighing on your heart and I listen without judgment"). He's doing what the good parts of religion are supposed to do.

3. Phoebe Waller-Bridge channels a certain smart, funny American woman.

I'm talking, of course, about Brené Brown.

Yes, people have compared Waller-Bridge to Tina Fey; British GQ even had Fey interview her. But as I watched Fleabag, I got the sense I'd heard these themes before, about shame and imperfection and the courage of vulnerability to make real human connections.

Then I remembered I had just recently watched Brown's The Call to Courage on Netflix. The special summarizes the messages in her many books, particularly Daring Greatly, her 2012 breakout based on a now famous Teddy Roosevelt quote about achievement being in the willingness to fight, and not in criticizing those who try. Brown talks about the concept of "wholehearted" living, which can only happen when you're willing to be vulnerable and fail, but fail by daring greatly.

In The Call to Courage, she also explains the difference between belonging and fitting in. The latter is actually the opposite of the former, Brown says. Fitting in is changing who you are to be accepted, versus being accepted for exactly who you are. In Fleabag, we see characters consistently trying to adapt themselves in an attempt to be more like the person they think has it better.

This is perhaps most noticeable in Claire, who consistently takes on external changes that make her more like Fleabag--funky trainers, short haircut--and laments that she can be funny and interesting, too. It's no coincidence the person she ends up loving shares her name. She's finally learned to love herself.

Fleabag herself is trying to be a grown-up by exercising, eating pine nuts in her salad, and laughing with a group of people we know are not really her friends. But it's not until she opens herself up to being loved (to paraphrase the old Finnish expression) and to loving someone else, even when she stands to gain nothing from it, that she truly matures. By the final scene, she's become wholehearted.

There's been a lot of talk about how the Priest is the only person who "sees" Fleabag in his ability to notice her breaking the fourth wall. And at the wedding, he talks about how loving someone gives you hope. I think what's striking such a nerve for fans of Fleabag is that it's about the doubts and fears and imperfections we all feel inside, but never share. It feels like Waller-Bridge sees us, and that gives us hope that we're not alone.

4. The Priest is hot.

OK, OK, there's also that. What can I say? I'm not made of wood.

[harley4l]

Chapter 4: Kirsten’s heart is pure

“Fear is just doubt, disguised.” ― Jessiqua Wittman, A Memoir of Love

Beginning / Previous / Next 

No misstep goes unnoticed. That's what Kirsten is used to hear whenever her parents judge her skirt too short, her neckline too revealing or her make-up to heavy. Committed to the Jacoban faith of the Watcher, the conservative Fisher’s are bound to a strict moral code and they make sure their daughters grow up to be as pure and presentable as possible. When Kirsten was a child, their admonishments had scared her. According to them, god was a vengeful entity, who needed to be pleased at all costs and mercilessly punished every act of disobedience with misfortune and misery. Now that she was older, she knew her parents just want to impose fear and control. If the Watcher really was resentful, how come they lived a modest life in this perfect little town where nothing bad ever happened? She had lied and dressed scantily more than once, yet nothing had come from it. Apparently, not even their town’s smoking hot Jacoban pastor believed in their strict codex, for he’d been a little too quick to agree to their little rendezvous after service. It was their scandalous little secret, and no one knew about it but Kirsten ... well, and her best friend Eleanor of course.

Kirsten’s parents had a huge freakout this summer when she and Nelly raided Mrs. Fisher‘s beauty case and painted each other cherry red lips. They’d always blamed her wayward friends for Kirsten’s occasional acts of rebellion and Nelly had been their prime example of satan’s child. Permissive, vain, cheating, illoyal, coming from a dubious family with a questionable fortune... Kirsten had always instinctively defended her friend, but there was at least a little bit of truth to her parents‘ words. Nelly had been illoyal, and she could not be trusted with secrets, neither Kirsten’s own nor any other ones. As soon as Kirsten confessed to her affair with Pastor Javier in a fit of stupidity, Nelly‘s first act was to sneak into church next Sunday and secretly take pictures of them kissing behind the confession booth – just so she could blackmail Kirsten with them later. Worse, she twisted everything around and acted like Kirsten was the bad guy.. 

That's illegal, Nelly proclaimed while waving the evidence on her phone in front of Kirsten's face. You're sixteen and he's like what? Thirty? It's literally criminal. Her words hurt like a double-edged sword. Kirsten's chest ached. She tried hard to bite her tongue, but failed. Well, my parents say your family is criminal. Nelly glowered. That's not true.

Are you now deciding what's the truth or not? I love Javier. And you always say all's fair in love and war, Kirsten mumbled. Nelly scoffed and sunk onto one hip. I'm just trying to protect you, Kirstie. What she actually ought to say was, that she exclusively pursured her own interests. She didn't really care. Some kind of friend she was.

Sure, Nelly was cool and popular and she always had the funniest ideas, but mostly she had used her friends to spy on her rivals or bully the uncool and unfortunate girls who rubbed her the wrong way. When winter came along and Nelly threw her grand birthday party, Kirsten and the others had been so fed up they joked about how they'd get rid of Nelly if given the chance. We should kill her, Rebecca had whispered under her breath. But how? They'd gathered in the sunroom while dinner was being prepared and the hallway next to them had looked dark and empty. Becks! Ava sounded disgusted, but perhaps there was a hint of interest in her voice. Actually, I've been thinking about that too, Olivia had butted in. Let's be honest, we all did, didn't we? And personally, I'd spike her coffee with drano while she's off to the toilet. They all exchanged a tentative glance, then broke out in giggles. I'd take her to the bluffs and once her back's turned, I'd shove her off a cliff, Ava whispered. No, not off a cliff. Into a bonfire!, Kirsten chimed in. Everyone glanced Rebecca, who seemed to ponder for a second. Nelly can go choke on her birthday to be honest, she concluded with a bated smile.

But none of them had smiled when Nelly was found dead on the patio later that night. And for the first time in years, Kirsten thought about her parents’ warnings and felt fear. Perhaps the Watcher was real. Maybe they overheard their whispers in the sunroom and finally punished Nelly for everything bad she had done. It couldn’t be a coincidence that she died exactly the way Rebecca had imagined it – brutally choked to death. Was Kirsten next because she too had disregarded the Jacoban Codex?

But weeks passed, and then months. Nothing happened. At some point Kirsten‘s fear dissolved and turned into a new feeling. Gratitude. Sometimes she missed Nelly terribly – the nicer and supportive side of her, which seldom shone through her hard shell – , like that day they painted each other cherry red lips. Red’s not really my color, Kirsten had amitted as the two girls posed in front of her full length mirror. What? But you’re totally slaying! Nelly had bumped her hip and whirled around to turn up the radio, then grabbed Kirsten’s hands and they were dancing across the room. You’re stunning, Miss Fisher! Nelly had screamed in her ear to drown out the blaring pop song. The boys are gonna go craaazy! 

No, not everything had been bad. She missed the Nelly, who had comforted her when she was feeling down, who told her she could be so much more than her parents‘ expectations, who had wanted to be her friend back when no one else did. It felt terrible, knowing that Nelly was dead and that she’d wished this upon her. But at the very least ... at the very least this meant, Kirsten’s relationship with Pastor Javier was finally safe.

Authors note: The Watcher (which is the term for the Player) was first introduced in The Sims Medieval, and worshipped by both the Jacoban and Peteran Church. They believe that The Watcher created them, watches them all, and then guides them through their lives and adventures to prevent them from destroying themselves through their own carelessness and greed. Despite their similar belief, the two branches of Churches have split apart due to different opinions about the Watcher; while the Jacoban Church claims that the Watcher is a vengeful and merciless god, the Peteran Church believes that the Watcher is a loving and forgiving god to everyone.

Next Chapter: Olivia lost a friend

[akelyokikagu]

Day two: Unrequited Love

Her feelings

It felt like she knows him since the start because they never needed words to understand each other. Kagura remembers how they met under the cherry blossoms tree, and how they started to brawl on the grass expanse for no reasons. They didn’t need reasons to fight each other either, everything is natural, fluid and absolutely logical.

They fought together a lot, her and Sadist. At this time, she was only fourteen, and she likes his company because he’s insanely strong for a human, and he’s willing to be her sparring partner. Even if cruel words, and insults come along with the mess; she’s fine. The funniest moments she lived, it’s with him.

She notices how much he mattered to her only when he leaves for Bushu. She has always been emotional, of course, but she almost wanted to cry back then. She doesn’t, though, they are not weak, the biggest battle is approaching so they just promise.

She is not supposed to lose against anyone, but him, ever again. And so is he.

Kagura remembers his words, she grows, and she feels like he’s defeating her every time. It’s not a bad feeling or a good feeling, but she keeps his rare smiles and grins into her memory for her to hold on them when night comes. She doesn’t tell anyone, but at fifteenth, Kagura is in love.

Her dreams

She doesn’t see what’s wrong with loving him. Of course, she’s prideful, and she doesn’t want him— or anyone— to learn about her secret garden, but she knows he’s not a bad a guy deep inside, and perhaps he can even be sweet. He’s always sweet when he’s thinking of his late sister, and when she learns about his story Kagura understands that they’re closer than what she initially thought.

Maybe, she thinks, maybe they will be together one day; as in together together. She doesn’t mind keeping their rivalry; however, she wants intimate moments as well. She’s fine with him, how he acts, what an idiot sadistic prick he is, and that he never speaks a lot. He shows, but doesn’t speak, and it’s fine too.

Her stomach feels all too funny. Kagura wishes for a family, and she thinks the Sadist just might be good as a father. Would he be loving? She wonders, would he be a caring kind? Or perhaps, slightly tsundere?

When Gin-chan and Shinpachi ask her why she’s smiling all alone, and so suddenly, Kagura doesn’t explain. She says men are blind idiots.

Them, growing

She waits for when they’re more mature and ready. Her body shows that she’s still a brat at fifteen, and she wouldn’t be able to bear any children at her age anyway; lot of time is ahead for her to enjoy their childish rivalry. As years pass on the Earth— it always go quickly, because really, the Yorozuya always have awesome adventures— she grows.

She’s now a woman, or so everyone deems her to be now. Admiringly, Kagura is beautiful, and as womanly as she wished for. Maybe she just takes after Mami, because she’s got the same model’s body, and a face to be swooned over; long lashes, chiselled face, red lips, and hypnotizing azure eyes. Now, she wants to be noticed by him.

He isn’t much taller than her, but he’s even handsomer than before. His baby-angelic face had left for a manlier Sadist with his hair growing longer. She likes men with long hair so Kagura just likes him even more.

Him, not a prince

She knows Okita is imperfect, and a sadist. The prince of sadists. It doesn’t matter to her when he plays with other women, because Kagura is confident that they don’t mean anything to him and that they never go further than SM plays. He just likes inflicting pain. It doesn’t surprise her when she catches her with a willing M on Edo street. When it happens Okita makes fun of her singleness, she scoffs, sticks her tongue, and then leave them.

She doesn’t need to worry, because if he could have such deep feelings of attachment for Mitsuba or the Gorilla; why would he spoil his first time, and his body with someone meaningless? Kagura nods to herself. She goes to a girl’s shop and buys a pretty Qipao for her to enjoy. She’ll make him see.

When they fight, she knows he’s distracted over her curves. Of course, because they’re not as discreet as before, and she loves feeling pretty to his eyes. She wonders if she should make any moves soon; since he doesn’t make any either. They just fight, sometime eat or discuss together, and separate.

She’s not very patient, so she decides to take the first time when the right opportunity show up.

Her, a rival

Kagura walks onto the streets of Yoshiwara, as she wants to ask Tsukky about her plan to make Okita Sougo definitely grovel at her feet. And maybe proposing, too.

It’s a coincidence when she meets him and a girl entering a hotel. He doesn’t notice, probably because he’s too into ‘it’— the woman with him is really beautiful. She has long wavy honey hair, her eyes are golden, and she wears an equally pretty dark kimono. She seems very sweet, and delicate.

Okita laughs and smiles at her, but not like what he does with Kagura. He looks glad, maybe excited. They enter the hotel, and Kagura is still frozen because she doesn’t expect this to happen in her plan, but she tries to be positive. It may be a woman, an M, since Okita is also a healthy and hormonal man he could be tempted with a pretty girl. It doesn’t mean she have no more chances with him.

The girl is called Miki Sugawara. They met when he saved her from some perverts in the streets, and it’s a coincidence but they have the same preference on sex. Okita says he might be serious this time, because the girl understands him and his desires, and that they have a good feeling together. Besides, he says and grins, she’s more elegant and pretty than any other woman he knows.

Kagura stays silent as he makes fun of her, but the joke is not funny anymore.

She wonders if he only sees her as a rival, and that maybe, when he’s distracted over her body it’s only because she might be challenging in bed, and nothing else. She could only blame herself for reading too much into their bond, but she feels betrayed. She tries to keep the good face still; it won’t do her good to cry in front of him when all hopes are terminated.

“You know, she’s different. She’s an M, but she’s not clingy. She knows when I want to have fun, and when I’m not so I think she’s my ideal wife; or something. I don’t believe in love, but I believe that I hold some affections for her.” He says, and looks at her lost face. “What? Are you jealous because you’re still single China?”

“I’m not!” She argues and gets up. “The Queen of Kabuki-Cho can have anyone; whadd’ya think? It’s just that, well, I’m not like you.”

“What, are you doing to wait for the ‘right one’? You do realize that the perfect prince doesn’t exist.”

“Yes, I know,” she turns her back and bits back a tear, a hesitation. “My perfect prince or whatever, doesn’t exist. Gin-chan’s gonna be worried if I don’t go home. Ja—ne, Sadist!”

Her, disappointed

When she comes to the Yozoruya she’s already spilling all the tears she held down until now. Shinpachi and Gin-chan panick, of course, because she doesn’t cry this much at sixteen. She’s become a fine and a big girl now, but it doesn’t mean she has no weaknesses.

She cries, cries, until there’s no water left to cry. Gintoki and Shinpachi exchange a knowing glance, there may be idiot men in Kagura’s peripheral, but the only one they know is a certain officer. They noticed she has feelings for him, it becomes very obvious with her big grin every time she sees him, and they know it has to do with him if she comes so devastated.

“What’s wrong?” Gintoki pats her head as she trembles on his lap. It’s late night, but he’s ready to hear what happened.

“H-He’s an idiot, Gin-chan! He’s a damned idiot! I-I-I thought we c-could, no, that we w-were something but it’s all wrong. It’s unfair! Why am I the only one in love? Why am I the only one to feel the pain?” He shouts, grips at his kimono. “Never! He’s never seen me like I see him. I’ve been the only one to love, I feel like an idiot.”

“Well, well,” Gintoki sighs. “What should we do Shinpachi? The man must be blind to not fall for our Kagura-chan right?”

“Right, Kagura-chan, he’s an idiot. A big idiot. It’s okay to cry; there’s plenty of other boys in the world! This one doesn’t deserve you.” Shinpachi tries to hold down his hate; because his little sister is crying and in such a state— because of one idiot.

The biggest of all idiots.

“B-But I love him; Gin-chan, Shinpachi, it hurts to not be loved back.” She tries to muffle her hiccups but in the end, she gives up and cries for the night.

When she falls asleep, Gintoki and Shinpachi swear together to beat down the officer the morrow.

Her name

When she wakes up, her eyes are all puffy. She feels dead and tired, but she gets up nonetheless, and tries to think in the solitude of her close; of what to do now. She lost her man yesterday, but it wasn’t the end of her life, and with all the willpower of the world, she tries to think of plans. Maybe, she thinks, she should focus on her career.

Seeing space, fighting aliens of all kind: this should leave her enough time to recuperate from him, and for the scars to be healed. After all, it’s also her childhood dream to follow her father’s steps, and she’s old enough to go and see the wonders of galaxies. She doesn’t want to feel like it’s because of her heartbreak, but it is, and it would be lying to say the contrary. It’s fine, she guesses, to be weak at this kind of times.

Kagura. It’s a prestigious name to be of the Ka— family. She’s born from Kouka, and Kankou, she doesn’t have anything to be complexed about. She’s young, powerful, kind, and pretty so she doesn’t have to envy this Miki.

There are plenty of fishes in the sea, especially in space. She lies to herself, because she knows it doesn’t matter if there are other males in the whole universe; when she wants one especially. An unreachable man, she abandons her ideas with him. They don’t belong together, she understands, and he wants another woman than her so she can’t do anything, but accept.

She tells her closest friends, and Earth family, about her plan. Becoming the best alien hunter there is in the universe; since she’s Kagura. Gin-chan and Shinpachi don’t agree at first because it’s too brisk, and they know why she wants to leave so fast. She convinces them by promising to send them a lot of letters, and that she will come back.

Kagura prepares her bags— there aren’t many— and knows where to start.

She leaves in two days, and tomorrow is going to be her party before she goes up to play with the stars. Anego and everyone plan a big party, but Kagura refuses. She says she wants something less big, and just want to spend fun times before leaving.

Party would mean seeing Okita off, and she doesn’t know if she could take it; if she were to be honest.

Her love, to them

It was a fun day all thorough, everyone is smiling and don’t betray their true feelings. They laugh, they drink, they go to the attraction park, to Yoshiwara and to the pool. Kagura feels like it’s the best day ever, and she won’t be there anymore by tomorrow’s morning. She’s suddenly nostalgic, all these years living on the Earth sure are fun. It’s her favourite, little blue planet, and it’s such a shame she leaves because of one single idiot there.

Love is powerful, indeed.

On the night, they sing songs together at the karaoke. Gin-chan and Shinpachi are grinning with her because it’s not a farewell. It’s …A leave of absence, but she will definitely come back when she would be a recognized alien hunter, as well as when she’ll be able to face a married Sadist.

It’s not ‘Sadist’ anymore, because he’s not hers. Never been hers. He’s Okita, a friend, an ally, and now a regret.

She tries not to think too much of him, or she’ll cry again, and focus back to her family and friends. She’ll remember forever this day.

The morrow, she’s up at six of the morning with all her affairs and Sadaharu, her loyal pet. Everyone but the Shinsengumi’s there for the goodbyes, at the Terminal, she looks brilliant if she believes Gin-chan’s words. They hug one last time— before long— and she goes up on the spaceship with a big grin.

She looks through the windows as Edo becomes smaller, and smaller, until becoming nothing but a stain of colour in the picture. Here is it. She’s really leaving the Earth, her family, her everything, for a new start. She’ll surely learn a lot and gains more experiences in life before she comes back.

She’s saying her goodbye to the big blue planet and wishes for everyone to be well when she returns.

His (un)doubt

Okita thinks he should apologize to China. A week already since they spared last because he wants to deepen his relationship with Miki. They spend the time together, from Edo’s sights and restaurants to shady love hotels together and he feels good. Of course, a bit guilty too because China might just break a building or two if they don’t fight out all of their frustration.

When he comes to the park, at their bench in the afternoon he’s surprised she’s not here. It’s weird because he knows well her routine, and she’s always there— not for him, but sometimes she meets her other friends there or goes to buy Sukonbu. Instead, the wooden door is here and very much empty.

He sighs and comes back to the compound, maybe is she in a request with Danna and Megane. He’ll apologize later. It’s not like China wouldn’t forgive him just because he gave more attention to another girl; they are not anything like that.

He’s back at the compound but turns out Kondo-san is missing, and it’s up to him and Hijikata to go find him. The man’s probably at Boss Lady’s house anyway, so it’s not really a hard task to do. When they arrive, Danna and Megane are beating the gorilla already— probably on Boss Lady’s demand.

“Oi Danna, it’s not that, but we have to recuperate him.” It may be him, but as soon as his words leave his mouth it’s as if the mood tensed. He shrugs it off.

“You should jail him, it’s not our fault if he stalks this gorilla—Ouch! All the time!”

“We can’t do that Danna,” he deadpans, “he’s our chief.” Okita looks around, no red dress in his sight. “Is China not with you? I have to talk to her.”

“Kagura’s gone,” Danna replies dryly, and Okita wonders why he’s suddenly so sour. Men do not have periods. By gone, he doesn’t really understand, is she gone off to a mission? Vacation? Something else?

Kondo-san wakes up and wonders too, “I didn’t hear of the Princess going to any travel, did she visit her family? They’ve made up after all.”

“Kagura-chan is gone for a long time. She left to become an alien hunter a week ago, we don’t know when she will ever come back.”

Her, not here

He learned the news hours ago, but he’s still shocked that his rival’s gone so suddenly. He knows about her dreams, and how she wants to chase aliens in space, but it’s just so unexpected now. But more importantly, there’s something else to this. She didn’t inform him.

She leaves without telling him beforehand; China?

Okita’s not sure on why, or if she just doesn’t care— doesn’t want to bother him? It doesn’t fit her nor sound like something she’d do, and he’s confused. He has mixed feelings about this, it feels suddenly empty to imagine a life without her because he’s so used to her company now that…

He sits on the room, silent, and Yamazaki looks weirdly at him. He feels down because his most important rival doesn’t consider him as important enough to know of her sudden departure, and it hurts for some reasons. If he’s gone to her when he had to leave Edo, why does she not reciprocate?

Hijikata interrupts him with a growl. “You’re the only one not noticing what’s around you.”

“I don’t know what you mean Hijikata-san. Please die. And don’t talk of me.”

“Anyway, what are you doing to do with this other girl?”

“Miki? She’s nice, I’ll keep her for now. Are you interested in my life now, Hijikata-san?” He makes a disgusted face, earning him an even louder growl from the concerned.

“You settling down is a miracle, even if…” He pauses. “Never mind, this Miki girl, are you seriously into her? An officer shouldn’t fiddle around women so easily; it will ruin our reputation.”

“Our boss is stalker Hijikata-san. I’m not into anyone, but this one pleases me enough and can bear me; I don’t see why I shouldn’t settle down with her. I need more time before knowing, but she’s fine.”

Hijikata roses up to his feet and glares at him before closing the door. “I guess it’s not like you need to think twice before choosing now. You can go with this girl.”

Okita stays silent and ponders on what Hijikata-san meant. He doesn’t understand.

Him, missing

Life is less fun when China’s not around to be teased, Okita wonders what she’s doing at the moment; killing some aliens or eating? Maybe both at the same time. On one hand side, he’s still bitter about her not telling him that she’s leaving, and on the other hand, he has his own life to worry about first.

Instead of meeting China, he sees Miki now. The girl is enjoyable to stay with because she doesn’t ask or bother him too much and she knows how to read his mood. He’s not into sweet-looking girls like her, but it doesn’t bother him a bit; since she’s just…Great to be with. Okita doesn’t want a happy-happy marriage life; he just wants to build a family with a comprehensive wife.

She makes a good one but he finds himself less and less glad to meet her. It feels weird to see her face instead of China’s devious grins, dating instead of fighting, it’s as if she’s slipped away from his life without leaving a single trace. Well, it’s wrong. He has traces of her on his body, scars she’s left on him through their rather dangerous sparring.

Miki’s holding his arm, and they’re talking in the main shopping district. He decides to buy a kanzashi that suits her elegant Japanese style, as well as her shiny hair. But he picks on randomly; everything suits her right? He doesn’t need to especially care, and the girl’s happy so no complaints.

He walks with her to a restaurant next, she’s talking of some nice toys she’s seen on the new edition of SM ProMag. She doesn’t even blush at the mention of them; he likes her straight-forward ways with him. No need for PDA.

Straight-forward… China’s still on his mind, and he tries to not remember but the fact she’s not here anymore makes his stomach feels weird and uncomfortable. He apologizes and says he’s not feeling well, pays for the food and leaves.

He notices their relationship, him and China’s is not as good as before. He remembers to be often, if not always, with her and bickering. He wonders when they stopped being this way? Lately she’s always somewhere else, doing something else. Maybe when he started playing around girls.

He’s a bit sour and bitter when he comes to the compound. He feels like he should have enjoyed those moments with her now that she’s not here anymore.

Them, a family

Danna and Megane break into his room. They look angry for unknown reasons, and Okita wonders if Hijikata-san did something, or maybe Kondo-san? If that’s so, he doesn’t know why they broke into his room.

“I’m working here, Danna.”

“The work can wait, you damned idiot.” He’s never seen him so angry, it looks like he could kill him at this instant, and so is Megane. “I just learned from your two bosses that you were playing around a girl.”

“First of all, I’m not playing around her. Second, what’s got you in a bunch Danna? That I’m with a girl? Never knew you harboured homo-homo feelings towards me.”

“You’re…I can’t believe it…” Megane stares hard at him. “Didn’t you know Kagura-chan she…You don’t even deserve to know why she left. Okita-san, we’re going to tell you something. If you ever hurt her ever again, when she comes back, it won’t be settled as peacefully as this time. Gin-san, let’s go, he has no clues.”

“Wait Megane, China? Why did she leave? Wasn’t it to realize her dream?” He asks panicked.

“It’s too late to ask now, you will see when she comes back…If she ever does. But can I ask you a question?” Danna looks at him. “How would you feel if she chooses someone else over you? You know, she’s a pretty girl and surely, she won’t come back alone.”

Before he could answer, both of them were gone.

The question troubles him.

She, changed

It’s only four years later when he sees her in the street, buying Sukonbu of all things.

At first he can’t believe his eyes, that she’s here and standing a few feet ahead of him. He’s mesmerized by her sole presence and stands like an idiot in the middle of the street just to admire her. She’s grown even more but is still shorter than him, and her hair is even longer. There’s only one bun to cover her as the red strands reach her back, on her white dress that shows much of her legs.

She bows to the vendor, an old lady, and upon turning she notices him. China smiles slightly and closes in.

“Long time no see,” her dog barks after. “Okita.”

He feels weird when she calls him like that; he feels distressed over their lack of closeness, but he remembers it’s been four years, and they are not sharing any special bond now. “...Hello to you too, China.”

She looks healthy as ever, but he can’t but notice her eyes that look duller than before. They aren’t as glowing as before, and she bears a calm face that doesn’t suit her at all.

“So...You are back?”

“I thought it was the right time to go visit everyone, but I won’t stay for too long.” He feels like she’s drawing a line between them, and he doesn’t want it. “I still have to see Gin-chan and Shinpachi first, so—”

“Why?” He grabs her wrist and stares, hurt, at her. “You didn’t tell me that you were leaving. You just disappeared like that! Like nothing!”

“You were busy at that time, Okita.”

“But we were...You can’t just leave me outside. We’ve fought countless battles together and against each other. Even if I was busy, I would have gone to see you off.”

China stays silent, she seems mixed before talking again. “It’s not like we would have kept our former rivalry longer, so I thought it wasn’t any use to bother you. Now, I have to go.”

“Can’t we talk more? It’s been four years since I’ve seen you. China. Please.”

“Okita. We are former rivals and friends, but nothing more, and it’s impolite to be so insistent with a girl that’s not your wife. I have important news for Gin-chan and Shinpachi.”

She talks so coldly. He feels the distance between them, and he can’t accept it. He doesn’t want this, after four years; four years!

“Do you hate me? Did I do something wrong back then? Why did you leave?” He feels all the questions he’s been asking with time, but she doesn’t reply.

He feels bad.

“I don’t have any like or dislikeness towards you. For the other questions, I’m not willing to answer.”

“I’ve done something, didn’t I? I know I can be dense when it comes to understanding those around me. Tell me—”

She pushes him away and walks ahead. He feels at loss for any words to describe the inner turmoil he feels at the moment. Something is breaking in his body.

He missed her, but she’s now indifferent towards him, and he can’t understand why.

[kusogamesss]

Hypnospace Outlaw

I don't have much to say about Hypnospace Outlaw itself beyond it being one of the funniest, most heart-warming, most endearing, most sincere, most ironic, most fun depictions of the Internet ever presented.

In my review-cum-memoir on World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King, I bemoaned the death of online spaces noted for their lack of thorough knowledge. It is perhaps fitting that WotLK's release came a mere five days before the launch of Jim Garvin and Ryan McGeary's 'Let Me Google That For You' website. Perhaps by divine providence too, WotLK's release coincided with the steady downward trend of Bill Dyess' then World of Warcraft database 'Thottbot' and the first massive spike in traffic to 'Wowhead'. The coincidence is staggering, but also points to a trend which has irreversibly altered the gaming landscape, and society at large. Much as WoW players sought user-data-verified hard statistics on their MMO of choice, tech savvy individuals' astonishment and contempt for being asked readily verifiable questions reached a tipping point in late 2008. Confirming and corroborating data on WoW would in time become something accomplished by every player. LMGTFY would in time become a site even your grandparents might send as a slight towards a query. The genuine question 'where is Mankrik's wife?' was less the object of ridicule, more a target for sarcasm and eye-rolling as the naive were directed to Wowhead. With ever increasing databases and wikis, games and media in general have become less about a sense of mystery, more one of minutiae. Players no longer revel in not knowing, they would rather examine the entirety of a game's mechanics and lore and history with a finetooth comb.

My point in bringing this up is two-fold. One: Games have genuinely not been the same since players expected to be able to understand them inside and out at whim. Two: The Internet has genuinely not been the same since users expected others to rely on a corporate search engine, largely constructed (especially now) to deliver advertising rather than substantive content, to remedy their perceived ignorance. As Embracer Group, Microsoft, Tencent, Sony, Epic, Valve, Ubisoft, EA, and other megacorporations oligopolise the gaming space, so too do Alphabet, Amazon, Meta, Tencent, Joybuy, Alibaba, Twitter, Spotify, ByteDance, Baidu, Adobe, Block, and others reduce Internet diversity to a minimum. I can't act as if I knew the Internet of eld in its entirety, but a lifelong fascination with Internet obscura and history has me at least somewhat informed.

In my review of GeoGuessr, and corroborated by jobosno's review of Microsoft Flight Simulator, stressed was the importance of appreciating the non-place. So too does this apply to the Internet at large, and Hypnospace Outlaw itself if we wish. Not everything on the Internet is substantive or substantial, nor is every page on Hypnospace. We fall down rabbit holes of Wikipedia deep dives, we examine every page on Hypnospace regardless of its relevance to our duty. Duty and productivity and the confines of time and the constraints of life and gaming guide us towards Internet or Hypnospace use that is conducive to our end goals, but those detours persist as availabilities. In the real world, they dwindle as web diversity shrinks, as webhosts go offline, as swathes of the Internet go unarchives and unremember[ed/able]. In Hypnospace, their finite nature means we cannot search forever.

The Big Crunch theory postulates that at some point, the universe will cease expansion, and will recollapse unto itself as all is returned to zero. To null.

At some point, the Internet might cease expansion, and will recollapse unto itself as all is returned to zero. To null. We will not go to website, we will go to keywords. That which is unadvertisable, incompatible with commercialisation will in effect go dark. In due time fewer and fewer spaces will exist. In due time, all will be one, and one will be none.

The Big Freeze theory postulates that the universe will never cease expansion, and will drift into entropy until all is returned to absolute zero. To null.

At some point, the Internet might expand infinitely to the point of unnavigability. In a web of infinitudes, all will be irrelevant and all will be lost as data becomes unable to be quantified on any scale. In due time, one will be all, and all will be none.

The unknowability of the universe renders any theory pointless. We do not know what will happen. We cannot know what will happen.

The unknowability of the Internet renders any theory pointless. We do not know what will happen. We cannot know what will happen.

Enjoy the Internet as it is now. Enjoy the Internet as it was then. Enjoy the Internet as it will be. Forever is it in flux, forever is it a stable constant. Forever does it all drift apart, forever does it all close in. Forever shall it be known and forever shall it be unknown.

We exist in a cosmic nothing of no import.

We exist in a digital nothing of no import.

Every atom in the universe is critical to its being.

Every byte of the Internet is critical to its being.

In the waning light of what's digital, make you whole.

Mirai will free us.

As a historian, I live on a periphery of data boundless yet intangible. I scour for that which does not exist, may never have existed.

At the end of Hypnospace Outlaw you are tasked with archiving a wasteland.

Archive our wasteland with the Wayback Machine extension. https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/wayback-machine/fpnmgdkabkmnadcjpehmlllkndpkmiak https://addons.mozilla.org/en-CA/firefox/addon/wayback-machine_new/

We exist at a time where unfathomable amounts of human knowledge are being erased from existence every hour of every day. This is not a deliberate book burning. This is an incidental blaze.

Save what you can.

What a beautiful thing we are a part of.

Seek the obtuse, obfuscated, and obscure.

A selection of webzones I have found and I enjoy:

https://geocities.restorativland.org/

https://web.archive.org/web/20021215085602/http://www.u-ga.com:80/jp/games/mobile.html

https://web.archive.org/web/20070902163202/http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/

https://web.archive.org/web/20050222012115/http://everquest2.station.sony.com/pizza/

https://prairieecologist.com/2020/01/13/finally-a-practical-guide-for-roadside-wildflower-viewing/

https://web.archive.org/web/20010118210000/http://www.l0pht.com/

https://web.archive.org/web/20030207171752/http://www.wired.com/news/games/0,2101,50875,00.html

https://web.archive.org/web/20060314162213/http://www.classicgaming.com/pac-man/Pac-Games/PacManVR/pac.htm

https://www.geo-grafia.jp/product/

http://erogereport.blog.jp/archives/cat_87375.html

https://web.archive.org/web/20060515154050/http://users.stargate.net/~glshir/PLAY.HTM

https://dreamlogos.fandom.com/wiki/Dream_Logos_Wiki

https://web.archive.org/web/20150222012855/http://quitesoulless.com/story.htm https://www.yelp.com/user_details?userid=Oi1qbcz2m2SnwUeztGYcnQ

https://web.archive.org/web/20030407094755/http://www.vernonjohns.org/snuffy1186/movies.html

http://www.poetpatriot.com/

https://web.archive.org/web/20000229230522/http://symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/y2kgame.hoax.html

https://forums.furaffinity.net/threads/camping-in-a-u-haul-they-are-cheeper-than-an-rv-and-better-than-a-tent.53919/

https://web.archive.org/web/20140803164736/http://theodor.lauppert.ws/games/

https://tss.asenheim.org/

https://jimedwardsnrx.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/pepsi_gravitational_field.pdf

https://web.archive.org/web/20130812175052/http://csbruce.com/tv/clone_high/

https://xercesblau.com/

https://www.walgreens2.com/peach-ring/peach17.html?fbclid=IwAR0iWWPkq0qf2kkYIVmUgL2pPuE1023aImBPnYuwmQXAxtyXNiElOnSDlVs

http://www.secondlivestock.com/ https://origamisimulator.org/

https://web.archive.org/web/20180818104057/http://underlinestudio.com/linesbreakingnewspaper/

http://blueteethnovel.tilda.ws/

https://web.archive.org/web/20170207203428/http://pacificitysoundvisions.com/

https://web.archive.org/web/20120915100800/http://meryn.ru/portfolia/

https://web.archive.org/web/20130415230745/http://www.reddit.com/

http://www.woodswoods.com/new-gallery-5

https://web.archive.org/web/20120807153003/http://weblog.liberatormagazine.com/2010/11/minstrel-show-visual-art.html

https://glasstire.com/2012/11/23/the-ten-list-walk-as-art/ https://news.ourontario.ca/page.asp?ID=2910113&po=6&n=1

[maldito-arbol]

Ooooo the long awaited Info Consolidation conversation, oh how I’ve been waiting for you. It was quite satisfying and had a bunch of stuff I didn’t think about, like Anne talking about Hearts motives and the stuff they say and Marce mentioning Wit’s contradictory statements and how differently she treats Strength and Heart. I have a habit of just thinking about the facts (the greatest weaknesses thing, Heart being the strongest, the elements things, the fact that the dreamscapes are all connected) but those other bits were very good and important parts to include, I wouldn’t have even thought about them at all u r so good at giving all the characters such depth. good job :)

Listen listen sometimes I DO drop very important hints. I want you to know that almost EVERYTHING from chapters 1-4 of IBYBF that happened to line up with important reveals later was either entirely coincidence or i reread those chapters and decided to MAKE stuff important (you gotta work with what you have—you can get some great ideas just by looking at things you wrote on a whim) and it really wasn’t until Chapter 7 that i was just starting to think about the Gems’ arcs in the long term and what kind of backstories they might have. Heart wanting to destroy the box, Wit being afraid of Heart, Strength keeping Sprig safe…they’re the first hints at a picture that is much bigger than the girls are prepared for. Perhaps even than anyone in the audience is. You guys still have yet to see the darker sides of my writing. That old tpn X mp100 crossover fic that sits unfinished on my archive account has a chapter count of 36 because i actually have the entire story drafted and it gets FUCKED. really fast. But because i never posted all of it, those terrible terrible things I did in that one have yet to see the light of day. I’m absolutely taking some notes from it to write CMTO because two of the major themes I’m gonna have to explore are coping with loss and the cycle of abuse :)

But anyway I went on a TANGENT—i have come to understand that you my lovely readers are very intelligent and absolutely do pick up on a lot of the hints I accidentally drop everywhere, so it is the funniest feeling when I drop hints purposely that NOBODY mentions and i wonder if they picked them up at all or they’re in for a very rude awakening when the reveal hits. So what i do is I just. Keep bringing them up casually. The gems having a very specific access to the girls’ memories was one of them—i kind of had a vague idea of it floating around and decided to bring it up in ch 7 twice in Heart tormenting Sprig with how much they know about him because of how much Anne cares about him. But you can find little hints of it in prev chapters too— see: Heart knowing the full names of all the people in Anne’s life in chap 5 and Heart finding Marcy’s moment of weakness in chap 4. So I decided WHY NOT JUST ADDRESS IT PROPER. Another one of these is the perpetual bleeding in Marcy’s eye that i address every single time she’s in her dreamscape and especially VERY loudly in chap 8 im losing my mind over that one don’t worry we’ll talk about it Very Soon <3

Anyway I thank u for all the stuff you have already picked up on it makes me so excited. You got some of the foreshadowing from the party chapter but there’s more in there hehehehe oh my god i am SO excited for this finale.

[cult-of-kai]

The Sword of Swift Justice

Thoughts on episode eight, ‘Winter of Our Discontent’:

This episode was like the ghost of predictions past for me…

The promo picture called Cheyenne Jackson’s character ‘Dr. Rudy Vincent’, but his name in the show is Dr. Vincent Anderson. Surely this was done to preserve the surprise reveal. Right away, we find out that Vincent is innocent of all but being a lousy shrink. But even then- wait. Is he a lousy shrink? He’s exasperated by Ally, to be sure- but so were we. So was Ivy, for all that she had other issues as well. Rosie, beaming, said that Vincent cured her and he responded by praising the work she’d put in. I thought he had to be loading Kai up on Adderall if nothing else, but nope. Kai steals prescription pads from him. Vincent’s eventual fate stings because it comes right when he’s trying to atone for mistakes he is just realizing he made. I reasoned early on that Vincent might not actually be involved in the cult, but I kind of assumed I was overthinking the whole thing. Nope again. Although… there was something a little creepy about the description of “pinky power” (which sounds even sillier than pinky promise), in my opinion. At any rate- RIP, Vincent.

I guess Bebe Babbitt… went missing? I don’t know, but the ladies of the cult are still pissed about being pushed aside. It’s gotten worse, actually, because now they’re stuck cooking for and serving Kai’s army of blueshirt drones. Ivy mentions The Handmaid’s Tale, which I’ll get back to later, and Beverly relates how Kai is manipulating the city council into going along with his decisions. The bit about the gated community is decent class-war commentary. Then it’s time for story time with Winter.

How did Kai-That-Was become the Kai we know? I think it was after the trailer’s release that I called Kai a manipulative whackjob with a messiah complex. But then back in ‘11/9′, we were given the impression of relative- if perhaps dreary- normalcy until Ms. Anderson commits a murder-suicide. This definitely effects him. A mutual of mine (@loonyloomis) pointed out that this was when Kai stopped cutting his hair- Adam Sheppard tease!- and he later gets into peddling fraudulent prescriptions. But he seems to bounce back for the most part, despite living in a house with two rotting corpses. Then the two younger Anderson siblings go to Judgment House on a lark, which Winter presents as the defining turning point in Kai’s life. Symbolically, it makes sense. In a twisted parody of a church, a horror *house of judgment*, Kai is stripped down to his essence- and found wanting. His first instinct upon realizing that Pastor Charles is torturing and killing people is to rescue them, which he does while Winter runs to save herself. This is Kai at his most genuinely heroic. He saved four people, including Winter, from terrible torment and death- not to mention any other victims Pastor Charles would have found. Now just take a minute to imagine how differently things might have gone if Kai had done as the female victim suggested and called the police. But he didn’t, because the better angel of his nature fails. Instead of shining a light on a great evil, he becomes it. He denies Pastor Charles’ victims the justice they choose to do as Winter suggests and kills him, becoming a killer. This- not his parents’ death- is the crack in Kai’s soul, the fissure in his mind. Everything since has been psychodramatic fallout and Kai bringing others down with him. He’s trying to convince himself and everyone around him that he’s on the rise when he is in free-fall.

I’m not sure how prevalent they are overall, but (fake!) Judgment Houses do definitely exist in the South. I specifically remember going to one that was split between heaven and hell. Everyone kept wandering back to hell because the heaven side- white sheets with scripture written all over them- was boring. Parts of Judgment House reminded me of ‘Se7en’, specifically Sloth. That’s undoubtedly deliberate, especially since Winter already name-dropped Fincher last episode. And randomly, AHS co-creator Brad Falchuk dates Gwyneth Paltrow. Others have mentioned similarities to the ‘Saw’ series, but I’ve never seen any of those. Rick Springfield was fine, but Pastor Charles would have been a nice little role for Denis O’Hare.

Anyway. Winter wants to try to reach Kai, because she believes that can happen. They’re all members of a murderous clown cult, but what do I know? Ivy and Beverly agree to give her some time. Winter and Kai meet, and we learn that Kai definitely knows how Harrison died and doesn’t care. They do a pinky power session and shit gets strange fast. Kai has decided, apropos of nothing, that they need to have a messiah baby. And for whatever reason, Winter has to be its mother. Logically, one’s mind goes to incest. But no- it’s going to be so much weirder than that! Kai says they’re going to have a threesome with Detective Samuels but somehow Winter will remain pure. At first I thought maybe Kai was just looking for an excuse to have sex with Samuels, but later events in the episode turned that idea on its head. Winter eventually calls the whole thing off because it gets to be too much nonsense for her. (I mean, it wasn’t until then?) Between the robes and the song and the behavior of all involved, it was undoubtedly one of the most bizarre AHS scenes ever- cringy as hell, but also hysterical and… oddly fitting in a satirical way? In the popular imagination and in reality (to a lesser degree), cult practices are often oddly sexual, cobbled together, and perversions of religious rituals. Kai has a degree in religious studies. Is he trying to sanctify what he and the cult are doing? His opening salvo during pinky power might lead us to believe he’s simply testing Winter, but I don’t know. The whole scenario also evokes ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’, a modern classic about women’s disenfranchisement via reproductive slavery.

As for Winter, what’s her deal? Why was she trolling “social justice warriors” with Kai? Sibling bonding? She seemed to be enjoying it. Was she perhaps also changed by Judgment House? Was her response to the trauma a hard left turn? But she swears to love and be loyal to her brother, who is politically on the opposite shore. In ‘11/9′, she told Ivy she wants to serve someone powerful. It’s all rather baffling. Regardless, Winter wearing a dunce cap and throwing recycling on the side of the road because Kai “doesn’t believe in global warming” is one of the funniest damn things I’ve seen all season. The following confrontation between her and Samuels- especially the line about losing when Hillary did- might suggest she would get more radical and truly join forces with the other women, but that’s not what happens. Instead, she… sells Beverly out? What? In turn, Beverly reads both Kai and Winter for filth.

We *finally* get a little backstory on Samuels, which I’ve been waiting for despite not caring about the character. I suspected he was a Nazi type way back in ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’, and I was right. He was also a dirty cop pre-cult, although it’s a little rich for Winter to accuse him of being a criminal when- once again- they’re both members of a *murderous clown cult*. He life is complicated by being gay and internalizing homophobia. Kai sees this and immediately goes to work, feeding Samuels a line of misogynistic bullshit and then fucking him for good measure. Kai seems particularly into it as well, which is interesting. I rather wonder how Evan would describe his character’s sexuality. So did Samuels just not care about Harrison at all? It didn’t seem like their involvement was only physical. I specifically remember them cuddling on the couch and discussing their favorite housewives. Eh. RIP, Samuels.

Finally, we have Ally to consider. We see her holding one of Oz’s toy trucks before inviting Kai over to rat Vincent out. She claims to be afraid of nothing now, and that’s after Kai has already noted a change in her. Their little exchange about Manwich is cute, as is her deliberately calling Speed Wagon ‘Aerosmith’. (Seriously, where did the drones’ names come from?) In the final scene, we see that that some drones have taken to wearing the masks of fallen clowns. Ally, staring Ivy down, is wearing the mask of Kai’s former “favorite”- the only one who impressed him. That’s no coincidence. Rise, Ally.

[itsnotsammy]

Hey FRIENDO. You know the drill. Wanna tackle all the questions again?

supernatural asks (a.k.a. jfc cait)

1: What is your Supernatural OTP? Wincest

2: What's your opinion on John Winchester? The man needs a break and more love than he actually gets. Honestly, if he was this terrible father half the fandom paint him, the boys would’ve died a long, long time ago.

3: Which season finale was your favorite/least favorite? My favorite so far is the first season finale. So many emotions and ugh the cliffhanger!! Least favorite... hm, I dislike the entire season 7 tbh so I’ll pick this one

4: Which is your favorite episode? Swan Song will live in my heart forever

5: Which episode makes you cry the most? All Hell Breaks Loose, and I’ll let you wonder which part

6: Which episode is the funniest to you? Changing Channels. Not sorry on this one

7: What's your opinion on Megstiel? Meh

8: When did you start watching Supernatural? 2006, I guess

9: Which episode title do you think is the funniest? Criss Angel Is a Douchebag

10: What's your opinion on Garth? He’s nice. Should’ve get more screentime than certain ‘main’ characters *coughs*

11: If you could bring back any character, would you? If so, whom? Yea, Michael. Boy’s the most feared archangel in all heavens and he’s gotten barely any screentime, jfc

12: Who is your favorite angel? Samandriel

13: Who's your favorite archangel? Michael

14: What's your opinion on Wincest? *looks at wincest tag* *nervous chuckle*

15: What's your opinion on Lisa? (and Ben, if you want) Irrelevant. Character development 101 and all, but honestly... well, I’m just being nitpicky here

16: When did you start blogging about Supernatural? Not really sure but in 2010, I guess

17: Do you think that Chuck is God? Nah, not really. Must be someone else

18: Do you have a favorite Dick (Roman) joke? If so, what is it? Nah

19: Which is your favorite episode? Answered on 4

20: Who do you ship Sam with? Dean *coughs*

21: What's your opinion on Destiel? Doesn’t exist

22: Did you like the first or second Ruby better? I like the second better because BITCH’S DEAD

23: Who's your favorite demon? Meg

24: Do you read smutty fanfiction? Of course not. I’m a saint, goddammit *hides all the smut under bed*

25: Do you think Destiel will become canon in season 9? It’ll never become canon, hah

26: Have you ever had a dream about Supernatural/the characters/the actors? If so, can you describe what you remember? No, not really

27: Which episode is the scariest to you? (Horror-movie type scary) I’ve watched so many I can’t even remember. Sorry bruh

28: What's your opinion on Sabriel? Meh. I think it’s kinda cute if we settle it before Mystery Spot, but oh well

29: Do you think End!verse will happen? If so, are you looking forward to it? I’d love to see the end!verse becoming canon but I don’t think it’ll ever happen

30: Do you have any friends off of the Internet that watch Supernatural? Nop

31: Do any of your family members watch Supernatural? My mom and my grandma

32: What's an unpopular opinion or headcanon you have? Sam is Jesus, adios

33: Do you like AU fanfics? AU is my life force, bruh

34: Have you ever written/started writing a fanfic? Hehehe, of course not *shifty eyes*

35: What's your opinion on Samifer? One of my fav ships tbh

36: If you have an OTP, at what point did you start shipping it? Back at season 1 because I’m a terrible person

37: Do you think Sam should have completed the demon trials? It was his choice

38: Which director/writer is or was your favorite/least favorite? Jensen and Richard are my fav directors ever

39: Which actor would you most like to meet in real life? Jared Padalecki, but you already know that

40: If you could be any character on the show, would you want to? If so, whom? If not, why? Sam is so pure, so perfect

41: Do you prefer cake or pie? Both

42: What is your opinion on Sastiel? Meh. It’s cute, I guess. Not a big fan but it’s still better than Destiel, I suppose. I just don’t like Castiel character anymore, tbh

43: Have you ever made a Supernatural reference out loud and received strange looks from some of the people surrounding you? Not really, I’m too shy for that

44: Have you ever cried over a non-OTP ship from the show? Perhaps

45: What is your favorite moment from any of the gag reels? Anything including J2 because they’re the best married dorks I’ve ever seen

46: Superwholock? Not interested, but maybe it’s because I’ve never watched Doctor Who. I can give it a try anyday

47: What is/was your favorite Sam hair length? Season 8

48: What's an unpopular ship you have? Probably Michael/Sam

49: What's your opinion on Wincestiel? *sigh*

50: Can you dig Elvis? Do you have a shovel?

51: Do you listen to Carry On Wayward Son even when you're not just watching a finale? Yea, it’s on my playlist

52: What's your opinion on Zachariah? Bitch’s better off dead, thank you

53: Do you think Adam will ever get out of the cage? (not as Michael) I hope so. Poor boy deserves better. Do me a favor and bring Michael too

54: Do you think Sam should have completed the trials? Probably, so we’d be spared of terrible seasons like... oh well

55: How long would you survive as a hunter? I have a Winchester luck, so maybe three weeks. At most

56: What's your opinion on Calthazar? ...is it a thing? I didn’t even know it was a thing

57: Do you have a Netflix account? If so, what's your username and password? Wait a second, just the first part. Yeah, I do

58: Have you ever participated in GISHWHES? Never

59: What movies/shows have you watched because of (or by coincidence) Jared, Jensen, or Misha? I’ve watched all the movies Jared participated, but I still need to watch other shows. Jensen, I think I’ve got Devour and My Bloody Valentine and Misha... I’m sure I’ve seen him somewhere, but I can’t really remember

60: If you could change just one thing about the series, what would it be? Wincest would be canon wait what

61: If you were at a Con, what would be a question you would ask?(can be any of the actors) If Jared sold his soul to have such a perfect hair & face

62: Why did you start watching Supernatural? Go back at house 8

63: What's your opinion on Sam/Crowley? It’s okay, I guess. Not my thing, but I could give it a thought

64: What's your biggest fear for season 9? Ending with a cliffhanger so we’d have a season 10. Oh wait

65: What's your favorite (or at least a memorable) pop culture reference that has been made on the show? The Exorcist reference, hah

66: Just a random confession you have regarding the show/Asker makes up their own question. gODDAMIT CAIT I SWEAR Sam needs more love, really.