#this is only one reason I’m taking a Lego elective at my school

[dust-of-embers]

I may have a bit too much Lego…

(This is only the loose stuff upstairs, the proper sets are downstairs in the garage cuz we didn’t have room)

[motherfucker-somewhat-limited]

1: Name

Sarah

2: Age

23

3: Fears

Everything, I have anxiety

4: 3 things I love

Dogs, weird movies, sunsets over water

5: 4 turns on

Long hair, facial piercings, good sense of humor, back muscles

6: 4 turns off

Poor hygiene, rude to service workers, adults who are still obsessed with Disney to the point where they make it a personality trait, Trump supporters (or the equivalent in other countries)

7: My best friend

@wanderingwondererofthings

8: Sexual orientation

Bi? I think? IDK not straight tho

9: My best first date

I’ve only ever been on one date in my life and the dude ghosted me afterward which turned out to be a blessing bc it was not a good time in my life to try to start a relationship

10: How tall am I

5′2″

11: What do I miss

Mental stability

12: What time were I born

3:45 am or thereabouts

13: Favourite color

black

14: Do I have a crush

celebrity crushes but I don’t really count those

15: Favourite quote

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

16: Favourite place

bundled up under a heap of blankets by myself in a dark room with good snacks and a good book/movie

17: Favourite food

chocolate

18: Do I use sarcasm

do i

19: What am I listening to right now

my housemate doing laundry

20: First thing I notice in new person

what they’re wearing

21: Shoe size

womens 7

22: Eye color

brown

23: Hair color

brown

24: Favourite style of clothing

love that goth shit

25: Ever done a prank call?

not that i can remember

26: Meaning behind my URL

adam darski’s true form

27: Favourite movie

Ink (2009) dir. jamin winans

28: Favourite song

UHHHHHHHHHHH

29: Favourite band

Eluveitie

30: How I feel right now

like shit lol

31: Someone I love

My friends

32: My current relationship status

single

33: My relationship with my parents

it’s good and i’m very grateful

34: Favourite holiday

the day after halloween when all the candy goes on sale

35: Tattoos and piercing I have

none

36: Tattoos and piercings I want

seriously considering getting my eyebrow pierced soon. if I ever cut my hair short i’ll pierce my ears

37: The reason I joined Tumblr

to follow an art blog that made amazing JTHM fan art

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

what ex

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yeah from my mom

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yeah it was my mom

41: When did I last hold hands?

yesterday with my grandma

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

takes me well over an hour to actually get up but then like 3o minutes tops

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

no

44: Where am I right now?

in my room

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

i’ve never been that drunk because i hate hangovers

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable level unless i’m at a concert

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

not anymore

48: Am I excited for anything?

sexy eggman is coming to san francisco

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

no

50: How often do I wear a fake smile?

basically whenever i have to talk to strangers

51: When was the last time I hugged someone?

yesterday

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

my mom is allowed to kiss other people it’s okay

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

i don’t think so?

54: What is something I disliked about today?

i’m tired of being tired

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

my soulmate

56: What do I think about most?

spirals of existential dread

57: What’s my strangest talent?

I have no talents lol

58: Do I have any strange phobias?

going down stairs. i’m fine going up them but going down them freaks me out

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

depends on my mood and whether or not i’m ugly that day

60: What was the last lie I told?

“I’m okay”

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

In person or don’t fucking talk to me

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes

63: Do I believe in magic?

idk. i believe there’s things that happen that we can’t explain yet so maybe that’s magic

64: Do I believe in luck?

i believe in good chances

65: What’s the weather like right now?

dark

66: What was the last book I’ve read?

The Habitation of the Blessed by Catherynne Valente

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

yes as long as i don’t have a headache or stomachache

68: Do I have any nicknames?

just dumb shit my mom calls me

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

worst acute injury was the time i tripped onto an outdoor heater in kindergarten and burned the shit out of my hand. i also have a stress fracture in my spine that will never heal from gymnastics but that happened over a matter of years

70: Do I spend money or save it?

i try to save but i spend a little too much

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

with a tongue? yes. with my tongue? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

my fluffy pillow

73: Favourite animal?

take a wild fucking guess

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

trying unsuccessfully to sleep

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

Columbus

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

That Time of the Month by Harley Poe

77: How can you win my heart?

be a dog

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

ceci n’est pas un corps

79: What is my favorite word?

sussuration or cathedral

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

this is the internet equivalent of the judgment of paris

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

eat the rich

82: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not currently

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

shapeshifting bitch

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

i’ll say anything on the internet i don’t give a shit

85: What is my current desktop picture?

86: Had sex?

no

87: Bought condoms?

no

88: Gotten pregnant?

no

89: Failed a class?

yeah, fuck ochem

90: Kissed a boy?

no

91: Kissed a girl?

 no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

no

93: Had job?

i’ve got one right now

94: Left the house without my wallet?

yeah lol

95: Bullied someone on the internet?

no

96: Had sex in public?

no

97: Played on a sports team?

i ran track for a couple years as a kid

98: Smoked weed?

yup

99: Did drugs?

no

100: Smoked cigarettes?

ew no

101: Drank alcohol?

yuppers

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

no

103: Been overweight?

no

104: Been underweight?

yes

105: Been to a wedding?

yes

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

only 5?

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

only 5??

108: Been outside my home country?

yes

109: Gotten my heart broken?

yes but not romantically

110: Been to a professional sports game?

many

111: Broken a bone?

nope

112: Cut myself?

not on purpose

113: Been to prom?

yeah and it sucked and i wish i hadn’t gone

114: Been in airplane?

yes

115: Fly by helicopter?

no but I want to

116: What concerts have I been to?

a multitude

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yeah lol

118: Learned another language?

can I give this one a half a yes?

119: Wore make up?

yup

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no

121: Had oral sex?

no

122: Dyed my hair?

yes

123: Voted in a presidential election?

yes

124: Rode in an ambulance?

no

125: Had a surgery?

do wisdom teeth count?

126: Met someone famous?

yup, holla atcha doug jones

127: Stalked someone on a social network?

no, i don’t care that much

128: Peed outside?

who hasn’t?

129: Been fishing?

no

130: Helped with charity?

i’ve donated some money

131: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah but a) I never actually asked him out, b) we were 12, and c) turns out he’s gay so like i’m not made about it

132: Broken a mirror?

no

133: What do I want for birthday?

a new laptop

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

why would i want kids

135: Was I named after anyone?

my great uncle and great grandmother

136: Do I like my handwriting?

i have no opinion on it

137: What was my favourite toy as a child?

legos or something similar you can build with

138: Favourite Tv Show?

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

139: Where do I want to live when older?

somewhere near the ocean

140: Play any musical instrument?

i wish

141: One of my scars, how did I get it?

i only have acne scars and those are pretty self-explanatory

142: Favourite pizza toping?

sausage, bell pepper, and onion

143: Am I afraid of the dark?

no

144: Am I afraid of heights?

sometimes

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

no, i’m a good girl

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end

yeah, FUCK OCHEM

147: What I’m really bad at

being a functioning human adult person

148: What my greatest achievments are

not killing myself in college

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

idk man i get upset by everything even when it’s not mean

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

pay off my friends’ and family’s debts, set aside a big chunk of money for grad school, maybe get my own place depending on how much is left

151: What do I like about myself

i have nice hair

152: My closest Tumblr friend

idk

153: Something I fantasise about

what don’t i fantasize about

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?

hey demons come and get y’all juice

[careyourself]

I Kinda Don't Care Humor T Shirt

But this is new business and you don’t know what you agree to when you what you’re actually giving is where you’re agreeing with you that none of these kids are reading and that you realize and occasionally you sign a I Kinda Don't Care Humor T Shirt contract and you didn’t read it you hold up in court that you didn’t know what I’m saying is that these are predatory practices and we have to educate people on how bad it actually is because people are just you say okay click my friend does it all do it I don’t care if you are so are I still yeah okay him the episode Blake a few years ago that the human centipede so were stopped about whether you agreed to it you interested a few servers are read to the brine joke is that they keep taking these signing contracts without reading them and ask them to all kinds of firstborn child kind of stuff a dream to become part of the human centipede so when I have the next world war based around tick tock right all yeah but I also think maybe PlayStation and Xbox might do a World War II. So Wiseman is point Scalia is word of her death sent shockwaves around the handle that well resident was speaking at a campaign rally in Minnesota touting the importance of judicial nominations is quicker on his feet and Biden that’s one thing I’ll give him he’s quicker on his feet wet with software and Biden’s are of Ginsberg’s passing even as a supporter shouted the new the next president will get 1 to 3 or four Supreme Court justices I do want to bring up that when school Leah died it was right before Obama was about to leave office right before the election the trunk got elected in and they were Republicans were like a Obama leave that appointment up to the next parade it was over six months before right and this is left to us before and Mitch McConnell was in charge and to use 237 or something to 47 was a well over 200 days prior to Obama leaving and Mitch McConnell wouldn’t even hold a hearing for Obama and now Mitch McConnell’s like when you try to cram someone that were less than halfway last night. And is hereand I clothingand present also present very well before the emails that she is on practicaland wonderful people you entertain United Nations I do indeed yes I have trained back to my previous statement I do recall it comes to continental title to send you a call the conversation again I do yes verified other can read it back to me please now actually give them okay Tuesday January the rarest rock she had a different perspective than the restand I think that we found a sadand thinking that we perhaps would wanted to see me for anywhere so we all get a grant which was like aand wonder what we know I cannot purpose for lying aboutand it is strange that that’s less than like it is a little once again nominated that putting Ferdinandand boss lady in their ruling of the bus a particular with the bus baby is a genius exploration of the evils of late capitalism as told through a baby in a coma Verizon how monies dreaming all that it’s a really trippy psychedelic blades like Smith has been seen since what you areas are the outand writing right here at work her job to rewatch minivan forced us to watchand and in light of that they clearly do you look at meand a lot of people think even stronger one human being so which is really funny great foundand had Legoand Batmanand that’s literally the reason lightingand the word Lego man then there like now it’s dumb that he did not shameand are literally just look at the time because those are two of the better animated movies exiting the government was but they are my favorite Batman movies really think I 2012and the screeners for dark night right I was shocked because I looked backand forth read the entire synopsis they managed to write up a whole synopsis without once mentioning the word nowhere to be found on the beach I think I’lland the cover was Bruce Wayne climbing like the wall is no those of a no it’s just Christian mailand in the rain heard like down from like the bar idea that it was just like the colostomy bag Academy voter anymore the impression that there really is then again looking at Wolverine on the Lorraine in combating now should wonder woman need help from for me personally I the superhero film how you compare superhero film to the drama what account if you can’t be beautiful to selectionand even

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THIS WEEK WAS DEATHLY KAMALI HARRIS CLOSELY TAKING THE I Kinda Don't Care Humor T Shirt POSITION OF VP FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY AND THEN THE FIRST ARTICLE IS WIKILEAKS POST UTTERED IN 37 DOCUMENTS ON KAMALI HARRIS HOURS AFTER SHE WAS NAMED JOE BIDEN’S RUNNING MATE THEN WE HAVE THIS IS REALLY BIG DOWN THE LEGAL. Tupac is amazing is very good I just didn’t like the Snoop Dogg character I thought that was sad I didn’t look or feel like Snoop Dogg certain things get the feeling off but I it was I a good movie it’s good to check it out I think it’s impossible to contact his whole life two hours so that poor young saluteand Gigi Mayo did a good job may not did a good joband off course Grady did a good job rabies my guy as he did a great job he played a perfectly but yeah man I go’s latest hours yeah I was a great topic know how would now like you might not like it tell you right back has they would wanted to go to he would probably wanted to go deeper into his life but I think I think you should go see the movie event because I cannot get support things like this in the culture anyways okay so in the end this is good I’m not telling you anything bad it wasn’t a bad movie is a good movie I would tell you it was trash out was actually I was satisfied when I leftand you know you don’t see that movie at this as I was satisfied I got paid my money saw that movie actually bought three tickets are a why why didn’t know what I wanted to go side by three different ticket so I ended up spending 21 see the movie way it’s good I got to go see it that way in Michigan in early dealing I went at 10 AM yet definitely also lucky organized you can be happy sought that because it’s two hours of gray filmmaking okay there might be a few characters that didn’t play detect the characters we know in real life like Snoop Dogg that’s okay your stoveand enjoy the movie hundred percent pay they show every a showing of illness too much they just don’t going total depth of the do you go in the just theater now I didn’t I went to ANSI I know Johnson had here in Atlanta check that out there’s also a Cindy bistro but I went to ANSI the reclining seats not taking part wouldn’t go see JGI now I mean you know I think there needs to be another Tupac I think there needs to be a longer Tupac moving his his life he can’t I still can’t believe he was only 25and did all the things he didn’t like this guy like let’s bring up the staff to say it I how many movies is Tupacand I think he was in seven movies he was an 11 movies 11 movies how many how did the any reported 12345677 now moansand then 7 pounds while he was aliveand then after his death wine 234 5678 910 like her 11 hours after his death I think even more than maybe 12 that’s crazy because think about it most people can’t do that their whole life he didn’t like years that’s crazy as first argument 119 91 Tupac Now that’s crazy man so he he was really like active active like six years that’s it six years man that’s crazy man in a day show everything him even wanting to kinda get off death row that the way he died way that a problem with some crib members right before he died think they can show everything generally leads to much outmanned so as for everyone to play now appreciate you broke appreciationand salute Yogi Banks was good to Tupac was pretty amazing brought me to do all that in such a short amount of time that’s crazy we that’s think about that Mandy that no one is ever to be like pot hate it when people compare themselves to talk like even Wyattand Lucci dropped something today saying something pot did know you near Pac Man you can’t be out for two yearsand compare yourself to talk I’m sorry man I’m sorry if you a betting thugand attend movies if you been an 11 moviesand you haven’t done seven now moans within five years get I hearand also had deftly watch the movie the least two hours two hoursand 20 minutes is pretty long but doesn’t feel that long cuts like you going through that timeline talks deftly the greatest just product the jaded JPEGand said her character was a bunch of lies they put in what the movie guys okay there was they had to establish that jaded taking Tupac had a special relationship that was deeper than just being friends it was a soul sold their souls matched rightand I was the only way they can kinda show that in a short amount of time so they had to show interaction with him in jail that was really deep in the content they had to embellish a little bit go totally crazy with itand show jaded Tupac in effect seen Ernie think that she even said their relationship was deeper than sex they never had sex it was deeper than sex because they it was a mental bondand you know she said you only get one of those friendships your whole life nowand I you know that they did for the movie I don’t think a hand biotics aren’t always exactly on a percent okay but you know annulment JT never was going to leave death row JT yes he was actually Wendy day who was friends with talk he was leaving death row he just couldn’t get off because they worry that he would have to get lawyers everything to he was in the process of doing honestly the last three months he was trying to get his paperwork right to get off the death row but you don’t just tell himand walk away like Dr Dre did it savage life but he had moneyand he started a labeland Dr Dre produced his own shared everything so he didn’t need anybody Tupac had to doand difficult awake is the way he he was on pal from death row it they were buying a house everything he was too tightand it was it would take him a few months to on ravel from death row on my arm to come out soon is joking to Jordan for retro shop tomorrow okay cool I think the movie was asked it was just it was good Okay I’m not I’ll think so afraid of the movie was okay it wasn’t trash it was good I think it was good I thinkand encourage everybody to go see it it wasn’t the best bioticand fiber seen think the strata Compton was fucking go feeling to it is that it was missing that feeling but still get why is your character she played a big role in cycles of yet they missed out a few people but in the mist at the scene where he spent on the infamous stingray spent on the the I reportersand 40 guy I heard about 40 got was pop today are I hope he pulls through nine John Singleton has a real spooky shit going onand I I think it would be good if he he was turning it too deep with it was it better than the movie the movie was more cinematic than this was I can’t say it was better though they were about equal now peace mode staffand how they betray the relationship between pocketand his mother that was dealt those were the two strongest characters meand I’m right just talk about the movieand I will talk about tomorrow to if you guys but I it ways that those were the two strongest characters man they showed how strong the bond was between his mother how his mother was there form after she got cleanand he had some successand got her cleanand everythingand she was more clearheadedand help was there for Pokand warned him about certain things going on in that your target on his back as he was a black leader evaluate it was definitely was it’s definitely were seeing Jason was definitely worsening is get Richard tried die trying a better movie better yes it is because think about it. You know interaction ever had because you couldn’t speak at all thank you everybody else took offense to everyone who came as something they would take a look at say anything back so they would just say everything is going to say my face would just tell also’s argument was that your Film I get out there that think they are right baseball garden I did bring you it is betterand has been so interested is a friend of my body get out there the antibody is in a hospital make their case advantage of them in any way you possibly can move on to our first story here todayand is according to the high reporter scares me that actually deadline high reporter broke a story about a lot of yesterday deadline is not about the new villainand wonder woman to is none other than Sheena played by Kristen Wade apparently paycheckand has had her eye on wake for a while now to play this roleand it looks to be confirmed so that she is going to be going up against wonder woman in the sequel to this massive wonder woman they came out last year the new movie comes on November 1 2000 19th J Washington in any way on the panel knows a little something about Sheena is get a VU what does this mean for wonder woman to you no more you know what for first was one of one woman’s biggest adversaries which is cool use granted they didn’t do in the first movie you burned her out from World War Iand had going forward for two Christian week is interesting casting choice as we been seeing a lot lately with comedic actorsand actresses black I said this on twitter if we can get great Elizabeth Banks is repulsing granted the movie the powerand the heart of the story the cake they did on Rita was nice the way she looked at the different look the vision of a Christian week plan is now will she be as serious or comedic is the question you know now also the story of cheetah is a British archaeologist who goes in Africa they had an opportunity to make this potentially a black British woman there’s a lot of things you do great don’t have to change the cultureand the nationality of the character but you done about bunch of things Christian week is a good choice I believe black will have to see you know when you quit yesterday about the rhetoric also compares it was an interesting one at a very early going on to policy your readerand are in the phase where you will reader processing the I actually like our industry in a limitedand I know the old school reader pulseand everybody was hoping to see in Greenwich have to change things sometimes so using the way they get Elizabeth with this one the Krispy Kreme things a little too much I limit like the look is what I was talking about we can expect her to look as bad as she didand who is a Christian we can look like an incredibly soft terrifyingand look like everything that nightmares are because I know that person that scale afterand I had decided not to go sleep that night like this character sheet in general it is likely because of the complaint getting a lot of Power Rangersand about Elizabeth is reader repulsive she was doing her job if your job was to be in the 90s show Power Rangers seem to fit in with the time when the new movie was trying to do so how’s the character like cheetah who from the fanart for whatever is you are looking to come up with seems a little more outlandish than what we got in wonder woman the first movie I was I get a job with the town because this is the first outlandish character to get that’s a human who transformsand something else with justice league you halfstep more that’s in our worldly creature is in itself with complementingand get everything that’s naturally in Atlanta so we understand that this is gonna be something new to see the DCU you know that to be the interest of our behind again we dealt with psychological sale a question when dating Ghostbustersand other films but this has to be something different will have a comedic element potentially Casio serious will see Harry immediately relocatedand seeing like comedians turn into the deep illness rolesand I rooted for everyone in the marketing point of vampire only those crazy if I were to do a rather like the movie didn’t work as well rises to be in one hour photo resigning like this could work out I think it did think Connex can test it to a darker side of their personality getting Kristen Wade is going to be able to do you I have made during especially the just need your initial impression is lie regarding the morning moreand more I read the other where twins are rolling over she’s going to be a good work can know that she is a good idea if Peterson is really talking on the show where it’s like you feel about one wayand in the next week you feel the same exact way did you get this newsand then have an initial reactionand has that changed all sense you heard about this yesterday plates at the words were not including the reference got into because I first heard the confidenceand Christian way to be able to take her time fender from the community of economic theory generally by tradition works much better than tomato doctors trying to go however my question really affect the talent of what wonder woman he was going to be because if they are bringing Christian right are they planning to make it more the sort of lighthearted comedic type of film compared to the first one where there very negligible humor so much of the few moments of levity but it’s not going the route of life like they do in the NICU movie maxed out when they are trying to may be asking rather than actually having Kristen be super hard core cannot write most of the last few got from wonder woman were were very genuine think the reason for that is because she was allegedly try to find her way in the man’s world so to speak because she went out of her boss Dennis Garethand her interactions the chemistry Chris finds where we got most of the yacht if you will get a movie like Ghostbusters obviously that’s more spoof the then I think you get to see if you wanted so here’s the big question you are left to get over to the panel as a fan person wayand that they can be won over to her performance the one I wanted is under just a little bit of pressure yet again because the first time a woman came outand had to rescue us from this dark gray toneand it succeededand then you have justice leagueand now very divisive movie again so whatever man does with my CAN have a more serious darker tone seems once again is directing it what do we need wonder woman to have in order to make Kristen Wade fit into this balance because as we saw with justice league trying to shift the entire town of DC name from Zach Siders darker version to Joss Wheaton’s line or humorous version the China ship Nike seven Apple man James one says dark black James wants a what you expect I think it’s the balance you’re gonna have a humorist element with one woman like you said in the first you have those humorous moments when you tap into that a little more Diana plays around that we seem that she jokes moreand now she’s more accurate to the world again if this present day is his will to but it doesn’t matter I think I will have a lot more humorand Patty Jenkins also ceased exercising more than anything else so that’s what I would single phase it is Kathy Parsley I can send out the rest of the DCU yelled at everyone with your director changes with your your hiringsand firings of executives with your cash comingand going like the movie I want to make I guess Kristen Wade is a cheetah going to do it I can do I want right now how skinny my confidenceand she sort of envisioned Christian right brain itselfand the one she essentially is writing the role for Christianand the only present quite depressing right was Christianand I think that will be sort of tailored to Christian relaxing make this work a lot more holisticallyand cohesively been made in micro barring a comedic actress integral where really wasn’t for you See Other related 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[popopuko]

It’s been like 8738546 years since I did one of these, so here’s a personal questionnaire under the cut!

Name: Popuko/Cake/Cosmo

Age: 21

3 fears: Jellyfish, being abandoned, not getting my dream job

3 things I love: My friends, my bf & gf, music~

4 turn ons: I’m ace, though things that come close are long roadtrips and scholarly lectures

4 turn offs: being a jerkface, ????

My best friend: I don’t like to choose just one person, but my closest friend throughout middle school to today is my gf Kern!

Sexual orientation: Ace~

My best first date: 

idk, like all of them? I’ve never been on a date where we really called it a date

How tall am I: 5′4″-5′5″

What do I miss: my bf Luke, who’s on the opposite side of the country!

What time was I born: idk

Favorite color: Medium spring green

Favorite quote: "‘Eggs aren’t real,’ she said. ‘Nuh-uh, show me an egg! That’s not an egg! What’s an egg? Who let you in here?’"

Do I have a crush:

Favorite place: Wide, open grassy fields~

Favorite food: Garlic bread, coconut shrimp, a few too many things to all write down!

Do I use sarcasm?: Not usually! I prefer being blunt, but I still use it to joke around a bit.

What am I listening to right now?: “i was feeling down then i found a nice witch and now we're best friends” by In Love With A Ghost

First thing I notice in a new person: How they treat other people

Shoe size: 9.5, me me big feet

Eye color: Deep brown!

Hair color: Brown with amber and gold highlights!

Favorite style of clothing: tbh? 80′s colorful nonsense

Ever done a prank call?: Nope

Meaning behind my URL: I’M POPUKO, YOUR AVERAGE 14 YEAR OLD 7TH GRADER THAT YOU’D FIND ANYWHERE

Favorite movie: Princess Mononoke, Gravity, and The Lego Movie!

Favorite song: idk if I can pinpoint an absolute favorite, so take this ongoing list of most of my favorites lol

Favorite band: are you sure you want me to list them all (Modest Mouse, Passion Pit, and Of Montreal are wayyy up there but I have like 2897427384 I consider to be my favorite)

How I feel right now: Kinda hungry, kinda sleepy

Someone I love: My friends, my bf, my gf~

My current relationship status: If it wasn’t obvious already, I have a bf and a gf lololol

My relationship with my parents: 

I like them, but I ain’t gonna live with them again, y’know?

Favorite holiday: I celebrated Christmas for the first time last year and !! I really loved it!!!

Tattoos and piercings I have: Earlobes pierced when I was a baby!

Tattoos and piercings I want: I kinda want a little Saturn tattoo that looks like this:

Or maybe one of those minimalist constellation tattoos!!

The reason I joined Tumblr: I was trying to get away from my previous social media site of choice (deviantArt), and one of the artists I was following already had a tumblr so I hopped on over in late 2011!

Do I and my ex hate each other?: Nope! We haven’t talked in a while, but we’re still pals~

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?: Every day~ ♡  

Have I ever kissed the last person I texted?: Mmhm~

When did I hold hands?: Lots of times! (???)

How long does it take me to get up in the morning?: Getting out of bed... if I have a choice in it, like an hour, otherwise when my alarm goes off, right away!

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?: 🤔 ...Nope

Where am I now?: In my room, sitting at my desk

If I were drunk and can’t stand, who would be taking care of me?: Probs my gf, though I can’t drink lol

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: Reasonable level! Except for specific songs or at concerts

Do I live with my mom and dad?: Not anymore!

Am I excited for anything?: I’m super excited for IREC this June!! I fuckin love road trips and last year was so fuuuuun

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: “Opposite sex” lololol (I do have people I can tell everything to tho!)

How often do I wear a fake smile?: Usually to be polite I do, but I wear a genuine smile more often than not!

When was the last time I hugged someone?: too long ago

What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: 

I mean we’re both poly, so I’d just like. look away idk

Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: Not really?

What is something I disliked about today?: Uhhhh all this work I gotta do by the end of the day tbh

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: Kinda cheesy, but probs either Markiplier or Jacksepticeye lololol

What do I think about most?: Overall? Probs my gf and bf

What’s my strangest talent?: Uhhhh I can wiggle my ears and also smite everyone and anyone at Kirby Air Ride lol

Do I have any strange phobias?: J...Jellyfish........................

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Behind! I love filming and photography

What was the last lie I told?: me @ myself: You can totally have all of these clips cut and uploaded by 2pm!

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Neither <:3c

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: YEAH BOI

Do I believe in magic?: Maybe!

Do I believe in luck?: Maybe! I’m sorta conflicted on this one, hah

What’s the weather like right now?: Cloudy! Prob gonna rain later

What was the last book I’ve read?: “The Fan Fiction Studies Reader” by Karen Hellekson and Kristina Busse, it’s a class reading lololol

Do I like the smell of gasoline?: Sorta!

Do I have any nicknames?: Cake and Cosmo are sorta nicknames! I’m debating changing my legal name to Cosmo though

What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I mean I got pneumonia from dumb shit I used to do when I was a kid lol

Do I spend money or save it?: Save most of it!

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?: I can touch the bottom of it!!

Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: Some fake roses, a soft pink and white squishy kitty my friend got me, a truffula tree I painted, a box that holds my Pokemon action figures, my galaxy backpack, my stuffed stegosaurus that screeches when you squish it, and my carrying case for my 3DS + games!

Favorite animal?: I like foxes, crows, owls, and bearded vultures!

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: Playing Kirby Air Ride lololol

What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: S....tanford...........................

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: L no Shisou from the 3rd Death Note OST always has good feelings, also a lot of Passion Pit’s songs! Esp Constant Conversations

How can you win my heart?: Be nice to people, have a sense of justice, and teach me things I don’t know~

What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: “You’re next.” LOLOLOL (jk, I can’t really think of anything atm)

What is my favorite word?: I’ve always said it was “inversion,” but I like “komorebi,” too!

My top 5 blogs on tumblr:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: 

I can’t take that kind of pressure dude

Do I have any relatives in jail?: Nope

I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?: Shapeshifting!!!

What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: “What mental illnesses do you have?”

What is my current desktop picture?:

Had sex?: Nope

Bought condoms?: Nope

Gotten pregnant?: Nope

Failed a class?: Nope

Kissed a boy?: Yep!

Kissed a girl?: Yep!

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: Nope

Had a job?: Yep!

Left the house without my wallet?: Probably lol

Bullied someone on the internet?: No??

Had sex in public?: wtf

Played on a sports team?: Does high school PE count lol

Smoked weed?: Nope, kinda scared of what it would do to me

Did drugs?: Not recreational!

Smoked cigarettes?: Nope, and I can’t because of my chronic bullshit

Drank alcohol?: I’ve tried a few things: beer (DISGUSTING), a fruity concoction at a party (p good!), jello shots (yum!), wine (white is better than red), and prob had a sip of champagne at some point

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: Nope

Been overweight?: Nope

Been underweight?: Almost

Been to a wedding?: Yep

Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: Yeah?? I’m an engineer what do you expect lololol

Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: My brother and I used to marathon stuff like Avatar: The Last Airbender!!

Been outside my home country?: Nope

Gotten my heart broken?: Yyyyyymaybe...

Been to a professional sports game?: Nope

Broken a bone?: Nope

Cut myself?: Not on purpose!

Been to prom?: Yep!

Been in airplane?: Hell yeah

Fly by helicopter?: Nope

What concerts have I been to?: One (1) Modest Mouse concert! It was hella

Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: lol

Learned another language?: Took Japanese in high school! Wanna learn Russian.

Wore make up?: Twice: once for senior high school pictures and once for prom, lol

Lost my virginity before I was 18?: Nope

Had oral sex?: Nope

Dyed my hair?: Nope

Voted in a presidential election?: Nope

Rode in an ambulance?: Nope

Had a surgery?: Yep! Had wisdom teeth removed

Met someone famous?: I don’t think so?

Stalked someone on a social network?: Nope

Peed outside?: Nope

Been fishing?: Yep! I let all of my fish go lololol

Helped with charity?: Yep

Been rejected by a crush?: Nope

Broken a mirror?: Nope

What do I want for my birthday?: tbh? Cute outfits

How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: I don’t want kids

Was I named after anyone?: Nope

Do I like my handwriting?: It’s apparently only legible to me, but I don’t mind it

What was my favorite toy as a child?: DRAGONS

THESE GUYS WERE THE COOLEST SHIT EVER OKAY I HAD LIKE TEN OF THEM

Favorite TV Show?: For things that aren’t anime, Steven Universe!

Where do I want to live when older?: A house in the suburbs of the Pacific Northwest were we can have a yard and dogs!!

Play any musical instrument?: Took piano lessons as a kid and played the flute in band!

One of my scars, how did I get it?: I used to pick at my skin a lot and it left scars on my arms lololol

Favorite pizza topping?: Olives!

Am I afraid of the dark?: Sometimes

Am I afraid of heights?: Mmmmmmaybe.............

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?: I got caught sneaking candy a couple times as a kid lololol

Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: Yep

What I’m really bad at: Socializing in person, I’m so boring irl lmao

What my greatest achievements are: Just getting to where I am today, probably.

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: Can only really think of one thing, it was when one of my brothers called me a “spoiled brat” back when I was like 10 years old. idk why that one stuck with me.

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: omg pay off all my friends debts and move them out into their own apartments. Also like? Get some tickets to be launched into space by Blue Origin and also buy a house. Then a shitton of charities

What do I like about myself: I like my hair and my eyes, and my fast metabolism! Still working on finding things I can immediately point out that I like about my personality, but I like how patient I can be

My closest Tumblr friend: Luke!

Something I fantasize about: Working at SpaceX tbh

Any question you’d like?: I’m down to answer anything anytime!

[ramrodd]

The New Marine Rifle Squad

COMMENTARY:

The first thing I was taught in ROTC tactics was that the basic unit of the military organization is the squad. That's doctrine.

The basic unit of the Roman legions was the 8 man squad, which trained, lived and fought as two 4 man teams. You can see this organization in Mark 15, when Jesus is brough out, in Matthew 28 and the Gospel of Peter reflect a 17 person guard mount: two 8 man squads, I centurion/Gunnery Sgt. Unlike the military organizations in the rest of the world, the Roman legions, like Latin were put together like Lego blocks and the centurions represented the inspector general function the USMC centuriate performs horizontally and uniformly across the Corps. The Praetorian Guard was the functional core of the Roman republic, which continue to operate as a republican structure arising from the rule of law and the centurions of the Praetroian guards (or the Italian Cohort indentified in Acts 10) were the prototypes for the rest of the legions. Once Constantine disbanded the Praetorian Guard and adopted the verticle (and, necessarily, decadent) structures of the theocracy, it was just a matter of time until the Empire fell apart for pretty much the same reasons the Articles of Confederation were abandoned and replaced by the US Constitution.

However, this squad organization, which perfectly reflects the group dynamics of Kurt Lewin's research and the natural law of the Ennlightenment, was abandoned as near as I can tell, formally, by Frederick the Great's manual of arms developed to optimize firearms. This system is based on the private soldier as the basic unit of the military organization and this doctrine persisted in the American US Army until 1947, when S.L.A. Marshall's "Men Against Fire" provoke a change of doctrine to the squad paradigm based on lessons learned from the Wehrmacht.

The US Army Ranger School was created to proliferate this new model of small unit leadership throughout the US Army community. This goal was achieved when Colin Powell became Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. My dad was one of the people involved in the creation of the Ranger School when Joe Collins was Army Chief of Staff.

Now, the reason why the Marine Corps is reducing their 13 man TO&E to the 12 man squad and consolidating the three 4 man fire teams to two 6 man fire teams has to do with the relationship between economies of scale and index of scale in small units. The perfect size for an intimate dinner party is 8 persons and it has to do with face time and collective resources I associate with the process theology of individual and organizational high performance. The 13 man squad reflects the structues of Jesus's "A" Team, but, for various reasons, it's a clumsy operatonal construct. For one thing, what actually happens in sustain combat operatons, you end up with a squad leader and, maybe, four or 5 guys, and 3 of them could be buck sergeant Team Leaders. The Army's organization begins with that assumption and the Organization Effectiveness people in the USMC could measure the advantages to the Army model. And it goes back to the Roman legions for the same reasons: natural law/process theology.

I'm an Army brat. Unlike you, I dedicated myself to a military vocation after listening to MacArthur's Valedictory in 1962. You should listen to it if you haven't recently done so: in response to the slander that opens this video, who wouldn't want to spend their life with men such as these? As I 've written in the Quora War Elephant, I figured I'd take a burst of 40 years in the Green Beret and retire as the CG of Ft. Monroe VA. That was Plan A. One of your War Elephant contributors scoffed at the idea of a 40 year military career,  because most of the people on your forum are dumber than dog shit and the only difference between them and the guy bad mouthing the military in you video is their willingness to kiss your ass for a little stolen valor. I've been dealing with assholes like this since I got back from Vietnam in 1971, but, if they pony up for your War Elephant Patreon cash flow, hey, get it while you can. I just don't have much use for the Swift Boat slander patrol who I associate with Ollie North and other lifers like Michael Flynn who are fellow travelers in Newt Gingrich's plot to overturn the verdict reached at Appomattox by political coup arising from violent revolution because they think it's the only way to do business.

But that's another story. Went through ROTC from June 1965, just before the drafts for Vietnam began, until 1969, after the Police Riots at the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. I went to college to get an ROTC commission, but I had to carry an academic load, so I majored in English Romantic Literature, Epistemology and German literature. As a hard-wired Eisenhower Republican in ROTC and military ambitions, I was caught between anti-war, draft-dodging self-righteous Fascist liberals like Sam Seder and pro-war, draft-dodging, self-satisfied crypto-Nazi white supremacists like Tucker Carlson. At the time I started college, the Tucker Carlson crowd were the Big Men on Campus, Greeks and athletes and controlled campus society missing no opportunity to mock and generally harrass the independent Fascist liberals. By the time I left, the independent Fascist liberals had won the cultural warfare and were, in effect. controlling campus politics and who became Homecomming Queen. That's why right wingers my age, like Newt Gingrich, Roger Stone, Bill O'Reilly and Pat Buchanan resent all liberals: the liberals had become the "in crowd" that the conservatives had dominated until the GI Bill opened up the campuses to a new source of student too poor to join a fraternity and, in the 60's, identified with the white Freedom Riders and didn't expect to inherit daddy's business or work for IBM as a legacy executive.

So, I've watched this shit for a long time and the people you're associated with are like all the assholes in the GOP that returning combat vets had to deal with in finding work, because they all avoided the draft, like Trump or Dan Quayle or W, and got on with their business careers and were two or three years ahead of you if you had been a draftee and had two years and a wake-up on active duty. And you reminded these people that they were scared shitless of going to Vietnam, like John Bolton, who had a 4 year ROTC deferment, like me, and then went into the Nationa Guard because he, like the rest of them, was scared shitless of going to Vietnam.

These are the people at War Elephant. In 1981, I was put on a Reagan White House black list by Charles Z Wick for being a Vietnam "Loser" and for doing business with the Soviet Union in line with Nixon's diplomatic and domestic agenda and people like Tucker Carlson and on the War Elephant made it stick. I haven't had a corporate pay check sine 1981: at one point, I couldn't even get telephone calls returned.

When I say that Newt Gingrich employs a political strategy based on Trotsky's process for social disorder leading to a political coup arising from violent revolution, I know what I am talking about. You probably heard about the violence the Proud Boys brought to BLM plaza yesterday in DC: that's one symptom of Trotsky's processes. The late election reflected the structural polarization the Gingrich/Trotsky processes are designed to create: it's how he became Speaker of the House.

He's an Army brat. We were living in Stuttgart at the same time and he knows exactly what he is doing with Trotsky's formula for violent revolution: Politics is the continuation of warfare, which I am sure you recognize as the inversion of Clausewitz's "War is the continuation of political intercourse by the intermixing of means", which defines the relationship of the US military to the US Constiitution. Gingrich is engaged in treason and most of your stakeholders are useful idiots in his agenda.

It's unclear what your participation in Newty's plot represents.

Did you ever hear the squadie version of the 23 Psalm: "The Lord is my First Sergeant, I shall not want."  I've forgotten how the rest of it went. If you remember, post it on the War Elephant.

[tonethegay]

1-154

1:Full name.- Toni Rivera2:Zodiac sign.- The best sign of them all... Aries !3:3 fears.- the dark, losing my bff, and um failing4:3 things I love.my bff.. duh, video games and being a streamer/creator5:4 turn on’s.- big butt, nice smile, great humor/personality, nice boobs 6:4 turn off’s.- negativity, liars, hypocrites, and i don't know7:My best friend?- @queenfvckit8:Sexual orientation?- Gayyyyy9:My best first date?- haven't had one 10:How tall am I?- 5'6"11:What do I miss?- not a what but who.. my dad, uncle and cousin12:What time was I born?-9 something am13:Favorite color?- Green 14:Do I have a crush?- what even is that !? 15:Favorite quote?- When you've reached a certain point of your life, there are people out there waiting to see you fall,but rather than let gravity take you down, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands and fly!16:Favorite place?- My Tigers Den aka my recording and streaming area aka my bedroom 17:Favorite food?- Pizza 🍕 😋18:Do I use sarcasm?- lmfao never 19:What am I listening to right now?- The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air20:First thing I notice in new person?- Smile or eyes 21:Shoe size?- 7 in men and 8 in woman but i wear men's shoes always 22:Eye color?- Light brown23:Hair color? - brown 24: Favorite style of clothing?- comfy, stylish, men's clothes 25:Ever done a prank call?- yes 😂26:What color of underwear I’m wearing now?- black boxer briefs 27:Meaning behind my URL?- some people call me Tone and I'm gay so i combined the two28:Favorite movie?- umm this is a hard one but um either Captain America Civil War or the Fast and Furious series. 29:Favorite song?- Ooh 😲 this ones super tough. i'll say Mark My Words by Justin Bieber 30:Favorite band?- don't have one31:How I feel right now?- in pain cuz the right side of my ribs hurt when i laugh or breathe too heavy. 32:Someone I love.- My bff33:My current relationship status.- Single 34:My relationship with my parents.- Dads dead and don't talk to my mom much35:Favorite holiday.- Easter36:Tattoos and piercing I have.- 3 tats all on my left arm (3 roses on my inner forearm, tigers eyes on the outer forearm close to the wrist and a matching sister tattoo on my inner bicep), and just my ears pierced. 37:Tattoos and piercing I want.- lots more tattoos i want to have a full sleeve at some point and maybe my tongue and maybe big maybe my nose 38:The reason I joined Tumblr.- cuz i wanted to be gayer 39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?- well she hates me (lmao that's what she says cuz she's a pain in the ass) but i still love her, we're best friends 40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?- well yeah41:Have I ever kissed the last person I texted?- nope42:When did I last hold hands?- um i held my nephews hand today, does that count ? 43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?- maybe 30 minutes 44:Have I shaved my legs in the past three days? - nope 👎🏼 but you can't really tell either, it's def been like 3 weeks45: Where am I right now?- in my not so comfy bed 46:If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?- it better be my bff 47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?- loud af48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad?- no i do not49:Am I excited for anything?- to be financially stable with some extra spending money but something a little sooner than that going back to school for a degree in graphic design50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?- nah (don't have many friends)51:How often do I wear a fake smile?- not very often but it does happen occasionally 52:When was the last time I hugged someone?- i hugged my nephew a few hours ago53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?- well if we've both moved on then just gotta except it 54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?- um not sure55:What is something I disliked about today?- i streamed too late56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?- Selena Gomez 😍😝57:What do I think about most?- making it as a streamer/ gamer and meeting my bff 58:What’s my strangest talent?- i'm untalented so nothing 59:Do I have any strange phobias?- not that i know of 60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?- in front now but it hasn't always been that way61:What was the last lie I told?- hell i don't know. i do my best to be as honest as possible 62:Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?- since i've met my bff... both !63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?- Yes and Yes64:Do I believe in magic?- Hell yes65:Do I believe in luck?- to an extent66:What’s the weather like right now?- a bit cool67:What was the last book I’ve read?- The making of Optic Gaming 68:Do I like the smell of gasoline?- yes69:Do I have any nicknames?- Tone, Baloney70:What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?- nothing horrible but i messed up my rotator cup in my left shoulder 71:Do I spend money or save it?- both, i save money so i can spend it 72:Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - wth of course i can touch my nose with a tongue but touching my nose with MY tongue no i can't 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?- i have pink writing on my t shirt 74:Favorite animal?- Tiger75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM?- talking on the phone and working on my laptop76:What do I think Satan’s last name is?- James 😂 jk i don't fucking know77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?- anything edm or Bieber78:How can you win my heart? - be yourself, be positive and a good sense of humor79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?- Here lies the best fucking person ever Tone Balone aka Toni Rivera80:What is my favorite word?- um i'm not even sure 81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr?- @queenfvckit- @1beyond-it- @wevegothighhopes- @bieber-news- @selenagomez-updates 😍82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?- please subscribe to me on youtube and connect with me on all my social medias to stay up to date on what i'm doing and when i'll be uploading or streaming (insert list of social media accounts) 83:Do I have any relatives in jail?- yes unfortunately #FreeJonathan84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?- Read people's mind85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?- no idea, never really thought about it86:What is my current desktop picture?- Captain America87:Had sex?- yes88:Bought condoms?- no89:Gotten pregnant?- noooooo90:Failed a class?- yes 91:Kissed a boy?- unfortunately 92:Kissed a girl?- only in my dreams but hopefully irl really really soon93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?- no but that's hella cute and goals af94:Had job?- yep 👍🏼 95:Left the house without my wallet?- fuck yes and it pisses me off every time96:Bullied someone on the Internet?- never 97:Had sex in public?- no98:Played on a sports team?- hell yeah 99:Smoked weed?- not yet100:Did drugs?- nah101:Smoked cigarettes?- second hand but that's it102:Drank alcohol?- once but it was gross 103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan?- fuck no104:Been overweight?- well yeah 105:Been underweight?- nope106:Been to a wedding?- yes 107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?- fuck yes all the damn time really, it's my unpaid job (for now)108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight?- used to109:Been outside my home country?- nope110:Gotten my heart broken?- yes111:Been to a professional sports game?- yes112:Broken a bone?- never 113:Cut myself?- on purpose no by accident a whole fucking lot114:Been to prom?- nope115:Been in airplane? - yes but i was a baby 116: Fly by helicopter?- nope but i was supposed to but couldn't because of weather conditions 117:What concerts have I been to?- R. Kelly, N'SYNC and um that's it i think118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex?- well duh that's how being gay works 119:Learned another language?- eh120:Wore make up?- like twice121:Lost my virginity before I was 18?- no122:Had oral sex?- no123:Dyed my hair?- no124:Voted in a presidential election?- yes.. twice125:Rode in an ambulance?- nope but i've been inside one to learn about what's in it126:Had a surgery?- nopers127:Met someone famous?- i wish128:Stalked someone on a social network?- lmao who hasn't !? 129:Peed outside?- not that i can think of130:Been fishing?- sure have 131:Helped with charity?- yes Relay For Life and many others132:Been rejected by a crush?- um probably 133:Broken a mirror?- no134:What do I want for birthday?- a gaming pc and gaming chair135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names?- maybe two, for a boy Christian or Vince maybe even Anthony or Christian Anthony yep that's the one and for a girl hmm 🤔 Katie 136:Was I named after anyone?- yes, my dad. they thought i was gonna be a boy so i would've been a jr but then i ended up being a girl so they just named me Toni instead of Anthony obvi 137:Do I like my handwriting?- fuck no 138:What was my favorite toy as a child?- Legos 139:Favorite TV Show?- Ugh so many but Pretty Little Liars140:Where do I want to live when older?- well i'm 23 but i'd love to live in Cali or Canada 141:Play any musical instrument?- yes drums and a little guitar. been a while since i've played either one tho142:One of my scars, how did I get it?- On my cheek and neck, i was attacked by a dog when i was younger and it scratched me pretty deep, had to get stitches.143:Favorite pizza topping?- cheese but if it's Pizza Hut pepperoni is delicious144:Am I afraid of the dark?- yes 145:Am I afraid of heights?- no way146:Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?- yeah of course147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?- um i don't remember 148:What I’m really bad at.- expressing myself 149:What my greatest achievements are.- sleeping 150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me.- shut the fuck up fat ass 151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery.- well depends on how much it is, but buy a car, house, have the ultimate gaming setup/ room, visit my bff, give money to some people in my immediate family and the bff152:What do I like about myself?- my smile and eyes 153:My closest Tumblr friend.- @queenfvckit154:Something I fantasies about.- sex with a girl155:Any question you’d like- why am i so amazing ? welp you can thank my parents for that but that's a question you have to ask my creator cuz i couldn't tell ya 😂🙌🏼😍

[sapphic-sapphire-seductress]

the answers to all the questions

1: Name: Katya 2: Age: 19yrs old [almost 20] 3: 3 Fears: jump scares, that’s about it 4: 3 things I love: My cat, Music, Math 5: 4 turn-ons: brutality, intelligence, gentleness, independency 6: 4 turn-offs: being an asshole, huge ego, whiny bitch, failure at sexy talk 7: My best friend: My cat. And Kimmy 8: Sexual orientation: BIsexual 9: My best first date: smoked weed, watched Star Trek, stayed up the entire night, even up until going to class the following day. 10: How tall: 5’4” 11: What/Who do I miss?: My cat, because he’s in the other room. 12: What time was I born?: 17:29 13: Favourite colour: Black. Or Blood Red. Or Chartreuse. Or anything that’s not Blue. 14: Do I have a crush?: yes. 15: Favourite quote: The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever…. Jacques Yves-Cousteau 16: Favourite place: The beach 17: Favourite food: Spaghetti. Pasta in general really. 18: Do I use sarcasm?: neeeeveeeerrrr {all the time} 19: What am I listening to right now?: a collection of arias all being sung by Maria Callas – currently on ‘O rendetemi la speme... Qui la voce’ from I puritani. 20: First thing I notice in a new person: Their talking patterns. 21: Shoe size: 7/8? 22: Eye colour: Poop coloured (Brown) 23: Hair colour: Black, and blonde-ish, and some purple, and maybe some red left? 24: Favourite style of clothing: Female office wear. Dresses, Slacks, and Pencil Skirts. 25: Ever done a prank call?: Absolutely not. 26: What’s your most extreme sexual fantasy?: Fucking in a library. 27: Meaning behind my URL: I’m pretty fucking gay – sapphire is adorable in Steven Universe and “Sapphic Sapphire” just sounds really fucking cool – I am apparently able to capture the male gaze in a spell-like manner. 28: Favourite movie: The Lego Movie. 29: Favourite song: There are so fucking many I have no clue. 30: Favourite band: I do not have one. 31: How I feel right now: Stoneeeedddd. And Hungry. 32: Someone I love: My Cat. 33: My current relationship status: Standing on my own in the middle of a party xD 34: My relationship with my parents: Pretty solid. 35: Favourite holiday: Friday the 13th. But if you’re going to say that’s not a viable option, then Halloween. 36: Tattoos and piercings I have: Pi Symbol on my wrist, and a Star Trek tattoo on the back of my left shoulder. Then earrings. 37: Tattoos and piercings I want: Many more tattoos – underboob, spine, thigh, ribcage – nose piercing. 38: The reason I joined Tumblr: It sounded like my kind of place. 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: Nopeeee. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?: eh, sometimes. Depends on who I’ve been talking to. 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: No I have not. 42: When did I last hold hands?: Recently. 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 2mins. Unless I’m doing my makeup, then at least 3 hours xD 44: Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?: ABSOLUTELY NOT. 45: Where am I right now?: Laying on the floor. 46: If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: Me, Myself, and I, bitch. 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: reasonable level. 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: Only part of the time. 49: Am I excited for anything?: seeing the Book of Mormon in a couple months. 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: yes I do. 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: looool 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: like 10mins ago. 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: eh. 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: not really. 55: What is something I disliked about today?: Classes. 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: Dita Von Teese 57: What do I think about most?: My cat. 58: What’s my strangest talent?: Being able to finish a big mac in two/three bites. 59: Do I have any strange phobias?: Nah. 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Nowhere near it. 61: What was the last lie I told?: “I don’t have any homework to be doing right now” 62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Video Chatting. 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: BISH YES. 64: Do I believe in magic?: MATH AND SCIENCE ARE MAGIC. 65: Do I believe in luck?: I guess. 66: What’s the weather like right now?: cozy. 67: What was the last book I’ve read?: The World’s Greatest Love Letters 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: no 69: Do I have any nicknames?: angel, kat, kitty, kitkat, ketchup, kat-yuh, pika, Pikachu, some more random ones that I can’t think of. 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I sprained my ankle pretty bad and was on crutches for a couple months? Or maybe it was the dog bite? I don’t think the dog bite was that bad, I just got like 27stitches in my lip and all was good. 71: Do I spend money or save it?: I try my best to save it; in order to spend it on high quality expensive things. 72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: barely. 73: Is there anything pink within 10 ft. from me?: yessss. A yarn spiderweb that I made 74: Favourite animal?: any type of puddy cat 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: Sleeping biatch. 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar. 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: Fallin’ by Iration. Honey Bee by Blake Shelton 78: How can you win my heart?: food. 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: she went out with a bang. 80: What is my favorite word?: Exequies 81: My top 5 blogs on Tumblr: @missmayimurderyou @im-rapemeat @sweartrek @dennys @nerdery-and-nudity 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: I’m sorry 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: Yes. My Uncle. 84: What superpower would I have?: Talking to animals. 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: Are you okay? 86: What is my current desktop picture?: A picture of me smiling and holding my cat. 87: Had sex?: yee yee 88: Bought condoms?: yup. 89: Gotten pregnant?: respectfully decline to answer. 90: Failed a class?: All the time. 91: Kissed a boy?: yup 92: Kissed a girl?: yes indeed. 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: I do not think so? 94: Had job?: Yes I have. 95: Left the house without my wallet?: Many times, I don’t need to take it everywhere with me. 96: Bullied someone on the internet?: never. 97: Had sex in public?: yes indeed. 98: Played on a sports team?: yea. 99: Smoked weed?: Doing that right now. 100: Did drugs?: Nothing other than weed, or prescribed medicine. 101: Smoked cigarettes?: absolutely not. 102: Drank alcohol?: Yes indeed. 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: Vegetarian. 104: Been overweight?: Nope. 105: Been underweight?: Yes. 106: Been to a wedding?: Yup. 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: Possibly. I have definitely skyped, but I don’t really use the computer that much while doing that. Oh wait – I’ve definitely stayed up all night watching South Park many times before. 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: Yes definitely. 109: Been outside my home country?: Yes indeed 110: Gotten my heart broken?: Mhm. 111: Been to a professional sports game?: yes I have. 112: Broken a bone?: Never 113: Cut myself?: Nope. 114: Been to prom?: Not really – my high school didn’t have dances. 115: Been in airplane?: Yes, many times. 116: Fly by helicopter?: yup. 117: What concerts have I been to?: Tool, 30 Seconds to Mars, Dierks Bentley, Randy Houser, Carrie Underwood, GRiZ, Steve Aoki, Evanescence, and I think(?) that is everyone. 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: Duh. 119: Learned another language?: Yes, French. 120: Wore make up?: Yup. 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: Shhhh, don’t tell on me 122: Had oral sex?: Yes. 123: Dyed my hair?: Duh. 124: Voted in a presidential election?: Nope. 125: Rode in an ambulance?: No. 126: Had a surgery?: I mean, I got my lip stitched up from a dog bite, does that count? 127: Met someone famous?: Yes. Broadway actors. 128: Stalked someone on a social network?: Yes. 129: Peed outside?: Nope. 130: Been fishing?: nope. 131: Helped with charity?: yes. 132: Been rejected by a crush?: no 133: Broken a mirror?: no 134: What do I want for birthday?: a new tattoo 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: None. 136: Was I named after anyone?: No. 137: Do I like my handwriting?: Yee boi. 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?: My ocean books. 139: Favourite TV Show?: Star Trek, or Comedy Bang Bang. 140: Where do I want to live when older?: New Zealand. Or Europe. 141: Play any musical instrument?: Multiple. 142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: Bit by my aunt’s dog. 143: Favourite pizza toping?: Pineapple 144: Am I afraid of the dark?: nope. 145: Am I afraid of heights?: nah 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?: no. 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: lol all the time 148: What I’m really bad at: meeting new people 149: What my greatest achievements are: Singing. 150: What I’d do if I won the lottery: Cry.

[trevorbailey61]

Latitude ‘17

Henhem Park, Suffolk

Thursday 13th July 2017

Latitude blogs - one for each day. I have too much time on my hands.

“Let’s not talk politics”. Sound advice, I am with a group of people who I first met twelve months ago and we are sitting around enjoying a few beers and chatting about what we have been up to since we last saw each other. Despite coming to terms with the referendum result, we barely mentioned it last year and we remained blissfully ignorant of how the others had voted. This year, however, I detect amongst some in the group a frustration that Theresa May wasn't handed the mandate she sought, despite, as even they admitted, fighting a campaign that managed to display levels of incompetence that was staggering even compared to the low standards we now seem to expect from our elected officials. To be fair, those I am with are not “mad, swivel-eyed loon" Tory activists, indeed I doubt whether any of them are party members and as we share a very similar background we find there are many areas in which we find agreement. Unfortunately, whilst the underlying values are similar, the binary choice we are given drives us into opposing camps where all subtleties and nuance are lost. Hence, once sides have been determined, the orthodox has to be adopted in its entirety. These people, I'm sure are tolerant and compassionate yet they argue the case for austerity despite the underlying conflict with their sense of fair play. Likewise, most would have voted remain but now want to see us get on with Brexit even though the reasons for their original choice are even more obvious than they were twelve months ago.

Many years ago, I was watching a report on the news about British warships patrolling the waters around Iceland in defiance of extended fishing limits that the country had imposed. Whilst, as far as I am aware, not a single shot was fired in the cod war, that didn't stop reports containing the same sort of jingoism that would be seen about a decade later as another British fleet headed for the South Atlantic, Britannia rules the waves, Britain was right. I make this point, who were these people to disrupt the right of “our” trawlers” to plunder the seas around their island, a nation so insignificant we hadn't even bothered to come up with a derogatory name for them. Having patiently listened to my ill informed take on the crisis, my dad offers an alternative perspective; true the Icelandic government was trying protect its own fleets but there was also an issue of declining fish stocks which, if not addressed, would see species pushed to extinction. As custodians of this resource, we had a duty of protection so that the resource would be there for future generations. It may be that Britain wasn't in the right on this one, that dispatching warships was an aggressive act in a dispute that would have to be settled by diplomacy. This would not be the first time my parents encouraged me to question what I had heard but it is a discussion I can remember very clearly and it was this sort of questioning that gave me a healthy scepticism. There were different perspectives, different alternatives, one side wasn't always right and the other wrong, the decisions made were not always the best ones, or the right ones.

As political awakenings go it was pretty unremarkable but I was very young at the time and it is a conversation I remember clearly. I always had an innate feeling of what I felt to be right, I remember at school a teacher asking the class how we would vote if we're we able to participate in a forthcoming election. Living in what was essentially a very middle class suburb of Birmingham, although with the boundary being over a mile away we were fiercely proud of being from the Black Country, this was true blue Tory country, something reflected in the result of our mock election. Hands soared above heads when the teacher asked who would vote this way, over half the class already displaying an allegiance to blue, there were a few undecideds, a couple of Liberals and then the question, who would vote Labour. A solitary hand went up; I looked around the room, no other hand was raised, for someone who spent most of their time at school trying not to stand out, difficult given my height, this was a disaster. The mockery began, nascent twitter trolls venting their hostility to anyone who wasn't part of the pack. I quickly found out that rather than discussion or debate, expressing an opinion mostly leads to ridicule and abuse; keeping quiet or, as many do, disengaging completely is the safer option; get on with your life, don't think, don't challenge.

Our politics is about how we see the world and our place it, it is about how we interact with and relate to others and based on our own values and beliefs. It is fluid and changing, open to influences and shaped and changed by experience. There may be a consistency in our core values and this will determine the way we vote, or at least on who we would vote against if not for, but our reasons for this may change or be subject to the pragmatism of tactical voting. Those who share our world are those who shape our view of it; family, friends, colleagues, teachers and so on; the English teacher who carried out the mini election was the my only other kindred spirit in that class which was a pity because she hated me. Around this is a wider culture where we form views based on what we hear, see, feel and read, a culture that, that if we engage with it, helps us to open our minds and develop our thinking. For me, music in particular was an important part of how I saw the world, it provided a means of contextualising my thinking, encouraged me to find out about how people used and abused their power to persecute others and gave a narrative that often conflicted with that provided by other media. Then, my adolescence was spent during what were politically very volatile times and the music provided the tunes, the beats and the slogans of protest. Through the urban guerrilla anarchy of The Clash, Gabriel’s indictment of apartheid in “Biko”, the interracial excitement of two-tone, the angry protest of Billy Bragg and the attempt through Red Wedge of aligning this youthful anger with the Labour movement, as it had done in the early 60s, music offered the promise real change, a society that could become more just, more caring , more tolerant. The heavy beats would pound as we took to the streets, the People’s March for Jobs, other marches organised by the NUS and public sector unions about cuts to education and others services, one culminating in a rally in Hyde Park where the then shadow education secretary, Neil Kinnock, was roundly booed by a section of the crowd, already suspicious of the direction in which the party was heading. This politically charged music was also highly popular, the subversive message being carried into the higher reaches of the charts and onto Top of the Pops, surely with all this youthful energy, our time would come.

It didn’t of course, the alienation of inner city neglect in “Ghost Town” spoke to enough to carry it to number 1 but our generation were mostly listening to Duran Duran, Shakin’ Stevens, Bucks Fizz, Stars on 45, mindless pap, don’t engage, don’t think, don't challenge. Surely those who loved their music as I did would have absorbed its messages, would be on the right side. I realised, however, when, despite agreeing not to talk politics, the question, “how did you vote?” came that I was out of the echo chamber that I would normally find myself in. I was back in that old classroom in Halesowen again, who would vote Labour? without thinking I could feel the muscles in my arm starting to tense, lifting my hand as those around me remained resolutely at their side. How to respond; ignore, evade, deceive, lie, avoid, change the subject, refuse to answer, mention how much I was looking forward to seeing Fatboy Slim, DON’T ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION; labour. It was already out there, a moment of silence, an intake of breath, this is a nice little middle class enclave and they let in a fucking socialist. What about clearing up labour’s mess, the magic money tree, the nationalists, links to the IRA, swarms of immigrants; I brought out my best arguments, even the ones that had gathered as many as two likes and a retweet on Twitter but to no avail. They were on the other side, the side where the fear of socialism was greater than the fear of Tory negligence and incompetence. It was a narrow gap but it may as well have been a chasm, unbridgeable, did they learn nothing from The Beat?, or had they been listening to Shakin’ Stevens all along?

Despite the awkward start to the weekend, however, they seemed to tolerate me enough to allow me to join them as we paid our first visit to the site, with Claire again arriving later I was welcome of their company, I also found out that a number of the group were also public sector workers like myself, trying to provide a better service in the face of savage cuts and hostile inspections, the group were not as uniformly blue as I had initially thought they were. This will be my fifth Latitude and whilst the festival has grown, the changes have been gradual, barely perceptible. This year, however, they seemed more abrupt, mostly due to the organisers tying up a sponsorship deal with Carlsberg. This manifested itself in The Danish Quarter, a big timber framed bar area facing the Obelisk Arena that tried desperately to provide an experience that English people would think of as being authentically Danish but may have achieved that goal better had it been built out of Lego. It is big, corporate and occupied the place previously reserved for the poetry tent meaning that it had been absorbed into Literature to form what is now known as the Speakeasy. Needless to say, I immediately decide that I hate it, that is until I have spent some time in there and find that it is a lively place with good music to which many, in the absence of any other musical events this evening, start to dance. The beer is tasteless fizz, given the make up of its audience, it is surprising that Latitude doesn't have some sort of craft ale bar but that is undoubtedly a result of this commercial tie in. The buzz quickly becomes addictive and a couple of pints of export strength Carlsberg relaxes things so that the discussions earlier are quickly forgotten. It therefore becomes a bit of a wrench to pull ourselves away but we haven’t travelled all the way to Suffolk to drink beer we could buy for less than half the price in a supermarket. We therefore head for the Speakeasy where, despite the crowds, we manage to secure a place to see Tim Key. Like many at Latitude, he is using it rehearse a show he is preparing for Edinburgh and from this evening it still seems as if he has signifiant work to do. It starts well, wearing a dishevelled suit, he sprays himself with beer from a can he has been shaking up so that he inhabits the rather seedy character he has created perfectly. He has sharp and witty punchlines that quickly get the audience on his side. Then is all starts to unravel when a high pitched whistle is heard in the tent; thinking it is from a phone he starts to lose both his temper and his thread, becoming nervy and hesitant to the extent that some began to suspect he had been drinking. His own relief and that of the audience is all too obvious when he finally gets the chance to bring the routine to a close; the whistling it turns out was from a hearing loop, the fault meaning that the rest of the evening had to be signed.

Key’s own struggles were is sharp contrast to the compare, Luke Wright who managed to combine the brilliance of his verse with a sharp and engaging stand-up routine, his poem about the Georges, kings that is, was delivered at a blistering pace and showed a perceptive analysis of that particular period of history and how it has shaped our own times. It convinced us to see his stage act tomorrow. After we would normally have watched the waterborne ballet on the lake but this year we opt for something different in Marcus Brigstock’s Princefest. This involved Brigstock himself, his family, guests and members of the audience lip-synching to Prince songs. That it worked was mostly down to Brigstock himself whose knowledge and passion for Prince carried it through some sticky patches, particularly when having assured him that he knew the words to “Darling Nikki”, the lad he picked to mime to it turned out not to know a single one. The routine was rescued by a lady who mimed about “Masturbating with a magazine” while her children stood in front of the stage is a state of shock. The format started to wear a little after a while, particularly as those he called up early picked the best known songs, but aside from the guests, the highlight was undoubtedly a group of children miming to “Sexy Motherfucker” and the girl who gave a very sensuous performance of “Get Off”. With Brigstock finding the tracks on his phone once they were selected, something that is no doubt a lot easier now Prince’s back catalogue is available once again on Spotify, it emphasised the extraordinary creativity and variety of its subject allowing us to “party like its 1999” into the early hours of the morning. The weekend had arrived.

[dasklaus]

Big wall of text incoming.

This is going to be my first text post on tumblr.

Originally, this was a porn blog. I guess I'm just not that into porn. This is a feelings-dump because I currently have an excess of feelings.

I never talked much about trans issues, least of all about my own. Like many, I keep thinking I'm fake, not trans enough or just weird. That's what I tell people, too: don't mind the male name, I'm just weird about gender. Don't worry about it. I minimize being trans all the time - then again, I truly don't think about it that often. It seeps into my life in small ways, rarely big ones, and I can easily overlook it, distract myself, pretend it's not happening. It's why I haven't transitioned yet.

When I was a kid, I had bigger problems. I had difficulties forming connections with people - still have, to be honest - while desperately wishing for friends - still do, to be honest. I was bullied to varying degrees, changed schools a lot, and regularly got beaten by my older brother while my helpless parents had long patient talks with both of us that didn't change anything ever except made it clear to me that talks were supposed to help but the nice, peaceful environment I lived in just manifested in unusual ways or I just failed to experience it as peaceful. To not turn this into a sob story: I was, in hindsight, really bad at interacting with other kids (in the sense of being an ignorant, arrogant asshole) and didn't take any initiative in solving my own problems, expecting my nice, peaceful environment to manifest itself somehow.

I was raised pretty gender-neutral. My clothes were blue, I waded in lego and books and while I tried to get hobbies like the cool kids did, nothing stuck. As I didn't connect to others naturally and felt a profound otherness (which I mostly attribute to my poor yet snobbish upbringing, my giftedness and - arguably more importantly - my knowing about it), I tended to look for ways to be special, to not do the mainstream thing because I was different, therefore had to do everything differently. When my parents let me choose an instrument to learn I chose drums. Impracticability and long waiting lists took this off the table, so I went for harp. I have no idea what I was thinking.

Being trans feels like that: like a bad choice based on a childish way of looking at myself, on not knowing how to present myself. Like making things weirder for myself on purpose.

I didn't have any clear signs of tomboyishness. I was shy, prone to anger and despair, relentless argueing and both a huge slob and a lover of lists. This is, as far as I can tell, the whole picture - no hidden dreams or interests that put me clearly on the feminine or masculine side of how one might expect a child with strong gender expressions to behave. Gender expressions I did not do.

I vividly remember a neighbourhood friend (the only one that I had and that I adored and looked down on all at once) asking which super power I would like if I were to choose. I went for switching sex at will. Nowadays I'd probably say shape-shifting, but back then, while a lot of things seemed neat, they only appealed to me for money or fame (or advancing science - this was a factor in my appraisal process). This one was the one I wanted for myself, that I would still want even if I had to keep it a secret. This is the only memory I have that tells me something might've been up even way back.

There were some indicators later on that I use to reassure myself. I wanted to go as a man for Fasching (a yearly costume party at school in February) in seventh grade, did, and was mistaken for Charly Chaplin most of the day. There were girls dressed as cowboys, male superheroes and actually Charly Chaplin, and my feelings of specialness faded away, replaced with shame at my generic costume and bitter envy for the people who didn't seem to make anything out of wanting to be boys sometimes.

In eight grade, I started hanging out with the sixth-grade boys, who were closer in age to me, as I started school at five instead of six or seven. Among those kids, a favourite past-time was a kind of wrestling done sitting cross-legged on the ground, both fighters trying to wrestle the other one to the ground. I loved it. Physical contact in general made me nervous, but I took to consensual violence with ease. Being one of the boys, even just for short periods of time, was the best feeling I got out of that time. I changed schools not long after.

I also developed a malformed spine by hiding my growing breasts. I started to hate my body in a way that I had no way of ever fixing.

We went for an excursion to a LGBT resource center. I got hung up on the question of lesbian sex, having started entertaining penis-in-vagina type of fantasies recently that pointedly omitted my own body or presence but were abstract, voyeuristic in nature. Nothing I could imagine girls doing compared to the coming simultaneously while getting physically wrapped up in each other I envisioned. Nonetheless, when asked to sort ourselves into corners of the room based on things like whether or not we've ever been in love (I had not), wanted to have kids (I did, the idea being that I'd live with lots of self-made playmates who all loved me by design) or whether or not we could possibly see ourselves being anything other than hetero, I felt queer. Not necessarily attracted to girls, but queer. I don't remember if I dared go into the queer corner, or whether anyone else did.

In ninth grade, I both fell in love and got a new name. She was the prettiest girl in the world by far, all eyebrows and carefully cultivated elegance, a dark lady of profound thought and inspiration and style, older and wiser and cleverer than I could ever hope to become. I learned her time-table to randomly bump into her between classes, changed my elective course from physics to math to share a class with her and worshipped the ground she walked on. I had a mutual friend tell her about my feelings after she went for a year abroad to the US, to enable her to reject me from a safe distance, which she, of course, did.

My name got discovered in a wallet a classmate won at a biology competition. I've been telling this story for years but recently discovered it was false - the dummy license in it had the last name I chose as my pseudonym on it, but a different first name. I must have chosen that independently. I made my class call me that (male) first name, and even got some teachers on board. A kid in a parallel class we had some course I don't remember with asked me (once, but loudly) whether I'd have surgery. I confidently told him I would as soon as I was eighteen, four years down the line.

The catch is that, while this became common knowledge among the students, I never told anyone. I have, to this day, never actually explicitely come out as trans. I introduced myself with my chosen name, asking not to worry about it. I evaded the rare follow-up question about what it meant. I expressed discomfort at being grouped with girls, having finally found my place among the guys at the new school (if you want a number, my sixth one. Explaining that would take another post of this length). I never talked to my parents, though, nor a doctor. I never said "I want to be a guy" or "I am a guy", I just tried to be a guy best I could - not an especially macho or stereotypical guy, either, just a guy.

That year, we actually watched a documentary at school about trans people. The only thing I remember is a group of fat bearded men sitting around a table and one of them saying he wished he'd have known about this treatment and all this when he was fourteen. That struck a chord. Here I was, fourteen, and now I knew.

Knowing didn't help one bit.

Not knowing what to say, to whom, and how to say it, rightfully suspecting that the people around me didn't know any more than me, I wrote a letter to EMMA, a feminist publication we got at home. I figured they'd know stuff about sex and gender and what to do. They told me to wait and (I told them a bit about myself, including my love for astronomy) that girls can be astronauts, too. While I know fully well that this was meant well, it shattered my hopes of insight and qualified help. I didn't reach out again for more than ten years, when I finally applied for a legal name change (a process that took over four years but got approved recently).

In tenth grade, I developed a crush on a guy. As a large part of my legitimacy in my mind hinged on my attraction to women (the one women I was still very much attracted to simultaneously), this was a problem for me. Still, I made the effort of knocking on his door, stammer out some feelings and getting politely rejected, never having expected anything else.

I found an article about trans men in a magazine. Some were said to help themselves prior to hormonal transition with excessive exercising and anabolic drugs prescribed by their doctor. The next day, I went to the nearest pharmacy and asked for anabolics. The pharmacist took in my fourteen year old weak and tiny physique and started laughing so hard she could not talk. I left red-faced and have never since set foot in that pharmacy again, even though it's the one closest to my home.

Lots of things happened in the following years. After school, I kept the name on the internet and some circles, but didn't dare it in others. I became clinically depressed, mostly for isolation reasons and being generally broken, weird, particular and incompatible with many aspects of adult or even teenager life. I took years working out how to be a person, a work in progress that is less obvious nowadays and much easier, but still there. When the occasional trans thoughts and semi-annually late-night ftm research binges didn't disappear even when I got myself a bit more together, into a successful "hetero" relationship (my first and to this day only LTR) and into friendships who exclusively knew me under my birth name, I felt the growing need to do something about that. I started using my male name with new people and workplaces again. I applied for a name change, which required several visits with psychiatric experts, to whom I lied about my boyfriend, fearing his existence and hetero-ness would influence the verdict, but nothing else.

Being with a hetero man led me to consider hormone treatment as a far-away possibility at best, not for here and now in any case. Fear of being alone again and fear of making myself effectively undateable for no practical gain, fear of regret and fear of the irreversibility of some of the changes made me procrastinate and ignore the issue of where to go from here, long-term.

Now my name is approved, I feel none of the ambiguity and doubt I expected. I spent two weeks feeling nothing but happy about it, showing off my new ID at every opportunity, booking tickets in my new name, informing boss and colleagues, changing my email signature at work and not regretting anything at all. And I think to myself: onto the next step.

Which brings me to today. My euphoria made me call the clinic and make an appointment for hormone treatment (having gotten the necessary info from the experts mentioned earlier). More than a week later, I finally told my boyfriend, who has, so far, steadily ignored any and all gender issues, not caring and feeling enlightened for not caring. And he cannot imagine staying with me through this. And I cannot fault him for feeling that way.

I love him. Being in an open relationship, I'm free to love others, too, which one might think makes it easier, but it doesn't. He is not replaceable. To make matters worse, I just got rejected from the only person that ever made me consider breaking the rules of our open relationship, which hurts hurts hurts like hell but is not something I can really bitch about because I already have someone and wanting someone else is just greedy. We - my partner and I - had plans to marry (now legally a civil union in our case) (he has the prettiest last name in the world, also I want to be with him forever, also taxes and insurance).

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a woman.

There is no solution here.

What I really need right now is cuddles and for someone to tell me it will be alright, but I suspect it won't. I don't know how to deal with this.

Thanks for reading.

[dust-of-embers]

Sorting has been completed!

I’m gonna show these to my jewellery teacher who wouldn’t let me sort her tubs of beads that she’d just thrown in… THIS IS WHAT YOU COULDVE HAD! IT WOULDVE HELPED SO MANY PROJECTS

Anyway, I’m gonna go build my weird cave house’s second floor, because even if I don’t have the right green pieces yet, I have them in pink and I will just have to wait

I may have a bit too much Lego…

(This is only the loose stuff upstairs, the proper sets are downstairs in the garage cuz we didn’t have room)