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stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 5 years ago

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Anons wanted an explanation for the placements I had on my previous tier list, but upon going back and looking it over, I realized that I wanted to move a few characters around, so I ended up getting a new template and remaking it.

I wrote little bits about each character [yes, each one] below the cut, but be warned, it’s long.

“I love you so much that I would sell my soul to make sure you’re happy”

Lee Everett: Lee is a goddamn legend. He deserves to be at the very top. He’s one of the best protagonists I’ve ever played as in a game, his backstory is incredibly interesting, and his relationship with and dedication to protecting Clementine never felt forced and is one of the highlights of S1. Even now, having replayed S1 a million times, seeing him get bit and slowly become weaker and weaker as he refuses to give up on Clementine still breaks my salt encased heart. Watching him die in the end never fails to put that lump in my throat. I love him.

AJ: I love this kid. I was so worried that they wouldn’t do him justice when the game was announced and I saw the trailer, but I was floored by just how much I grew to love him. He feels like my kid, my responsibility and I want him to grow up strong and smart, but also human. His voice acting is terrific, and I think he’s one of the best child characters we’ve ever been given in video games. His relationship with Clementine rivals Lee and Clem’s relationship and that’s what I wanted. This kid earned his place at the top.

S4 Clementine: This Clementine is my absolute favorite. While I love all the Clementine’s across the four seasons, I feel like she truly hit her peak in S4. I fucking love her, I’m proud of who she grew up to be, and seeing her journey to this point only solidifies that she’s my favorite. She’s strong and stern, but she has her softer moments with AJ and Louis/Violet, and what else is there really to say? She’s Clementine.

Louis: ....Do I really need to explain this? I mean, c’mon. If you’ve been following me for a long time- shit, if you’ve only been following me for a few minutes, then y’all know how much I love Louis. I can say with 100% certainty that Louis is my favorite non-playable character across all four games. I’ve made numerous posts, answered over a hundred asks, written thousands of words about him. Everything about him from his character design, his personality, his traumas, his voice acting, his expressions, his relationship with Clementine and AJ and Violet and Marlon and everyone- He’s the best. I love him.

Rosie: Rosie is the bestest girl in the world. ‘nuff said.

“I fucking love everything about you.”

S1 Clementine: Alright, before y’all come at me with the whole “Why isn’t little baby Clem SS tier you monster??” let me explain: I adore S1 Clementine. She’s still in S tier, after all. However, after playing through these games several times over again, I realize that this really is just the beginning of Clementine’s character and her growth. She’s lovable, she’s cute, and I want to protect her, but she’s not... a compelling character? She doesn’t fully come into herself and develop a stronger personality until S2. Like I said, I still love her and I can’t deny the impact that she had on the characters and us players, but she’s not my favorite Clementine of the bunch.

S2 Clementine: I fucking love S2 Clementine. I’d actually say that she’s my 2nd favorite Clementine. I give S2 a lot of well-deserved shit, but she is the high point of it all. Something about her character is compelling to me, like how she’s stuck with a bunch of adults who underestimate her yet want her to do everything for them and she just... is so done with it hahaha. But her growth is what it really does it for me. We went from little baby Clementine who whimpered at a small cut on her finger to a Clementine who fucking sews her own arm up, covers herself in walker guts with barely a flinch, can shoot a gun with great accuracy and take down walkers like they ain’t shit, and can survive and make her own decisions. Also, her instant connection with AJ is great. Love it. Love her.

Javier Garcia: Yo, I love this beautiful man. This man is honestly the best part of ANF, and without him it would’ve been such a shitty game. I found his backstory as an ex-professional baseball player booted from the league for gambling a cool concept. He’s hilarious and charming, too. Honestly, he deserved a better game with better, y’know? The only reason he’s not SS tier is because of the writing and his nonsense with Kate when you don’t want to romance her. It makes it seem like he led her on and then was like “Wait nevermind lol” which is annoying, but other than that, he’s great. Love his relationships with most of the characters, and the ending he got was pretty good.

James: I don’t talk about him as much as I should because I find James fucking fascinating. If they ever made a DLC or a mini-game for twdg, I want it to be about James and his journey in finding and joining the whisperers, his relationship with Charlie, and how he escaped them. His views on walkers, his survival and killing skills, his past traumas haunting his every moment for fear that he’ll revert back to what he was, his extreme pacifism that ironically turns violent- just what a cool fucking character. And while he has his wild moments [cave scene, anyone? “Oh ouch!” hahahahahaa] he’s still one of my favorites.

Violet: Oh, Violet. She’s amazing. I love her so damn much. If there’s ever been a character that I see a lot of myself in, it’s her.... which is why I tend to be a little harsh with her sometimes, but I can’t deny that she’s one of the most well-written characters across the whole series. She’s not perfect [both she and Louis do have their tiny inconsistencies that I blame the writing for] but that’s a good thing. And while I don’t ship her and Clementine, I 100% get why a lot of people do. Their relationship is adorable and way more compelling than her previous relationship with Minerva.

“I love you <3″

Carley: My beautiful girlfriend... you were taken away far too soon. Carley’s one of my favorite characters from S1. I wish we could’ve had more time to explore a relationship between her and Lee, but what we did get is enjoyable. She’s a badass, and I will always love the moment she tells Lilly off for being a little bitch, even though it results in her death. Not a day goes by where I’m not salty about that one.

Molly: Molly’s a goddamn badass. She scales buildings like it’s nothing, she named her weapon Helga, and her backstory with Crawford and her sister is terrific. Also, she’s funny and I love her. That’s that.

Omid: This dude was literally a light in S1. He brought us some humor when we needed it [ “...You broke that dude’s face.” ] and his relationship with Christa was so sweet. Also, him and Lee bonding over being history nerds? Yes, please. It’s bullshit that he was killed off two seconds into S2 but hey... S2 had a lot of bullshit in it so... Justice for Omid 2k19.

Luke: *deeeeeeeep inhale* Big Brother Luke did not deserve that bullshit. Literally one of the best characters in S2 and y’all just.... did him dirty like that. And for what? To make room for Kenny and Jane? Bull. Shit. Luke was so damn good, and the only reason he’s not higher is because of what they did to him after ep3. He starts out so kind and supportive and seriously like a big brother character then SUDDENLY he’s stupid and “makes it” with Jane while walkers are trying to eat us and then he gets himself shot and then fucking dies and akjsjdlkjasdkjaslkjasdklerwedascasads-

S3 Clementine: ...So, here’s where y’all will probably get pissed. S3 Clementine is my least favorite of the bunch. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her and she is still in A tier, but... how do I explain it? She’s in her 13-year-old, emo/angsty phase and it’s hilarious when it shouldn’t be. There are moments where I do become emotional for her, like when David takes AJ away and Javi hugs her, or when Gabe dies and she’s saying goodbye, or when she gets her first period, y’know moments like that! BUT... then we have moments where Javi goes to talk to her and she’s all “HAVING PEOPLE IS GREAT AT FIRST BUT EVENTUALLY EVERYONE DIES” or when she straight up shoots that guy who gave her faulty bullets OR WHEN SHE’S LIKE “IMMA KILL ME A LINGARD” AND.......... it’s too much for me! I can’t take her seriously when she’s this angsty, even when I understand why she is the way she is. Again, to reiterate, I still love her but in ranking all four Clementines, she comes in last for me.... and I can already hear the shit that’s gonna be thrown my way haha

Conrad: The most underappreciated character in S3 and it’s nonsense. Don’t come for me, but this dude is my favorite npc in S3. I love Conrad, and I wish we got more of him. He does have his own little arch if you keep him alive through the end. His grief over Francine is heartbreaking and his downward spiral that leads him to act out and threaten Javi, Clem, and Gabe so that he can get his revenge is wonderful. And btw, he does apologize for pulling the gun on them and makes up for it in the future. And y’know what moves him up into A tier? The moment you let him kill Badger. One of the best kills of the game. I prefer it over beating the shit out of Badger myself.

Aasim: This boy is my son, and I’m sorry, but he’s really fucking cool. You’ve got this kid who was sent to Ericson for being a pyromaniac [according to Kent, it’s not actually mentioned in game] and grew into this guy who documents everything so that they’ll have a form of history to look back on and help not repeat mistakes. His banter with Louis is funny, and even though he gets fed up with Louis for not taking anything seriously, he still cares deeply about him given how he reacts when Louis loses his tongue. His crush on Ruby is adorable, too. I just love him, he’s great.

Marlon: Now, originally I put Marlon in a lower tier [the “I like your role in the story” type of tier] but upon reflection I actually find Marlon to be a compelling character. He’s high on the list because of how well he’s portrayed. Marlon has some of the best voice acting across all the games. There isn’t a single moment where I don’t believe what he’s saying, which says something. There are moments where Clementine will say something and I go, “Really? That’s the take they went with? Okay...” but not with Marlon. For only being in ep1, he played his part really fucking well. I won’t defend any of the shit he pulled because it’s awful, but I understand everything he did. He is a coward, a sheep hiding in a wolf’s coat, pretending that he’s got everything under control and putting all the pressure of a leader onto himself and it eventually breaks him. I know they killed him off to further the plot and show how ruthless AJ can be as a child growing up in the world, but I wish he survived past ep1 so that we could really get into the meat of his character. I’ll say it: I love him as fake-friend-to-full-on-antagonistic-character and his role within the story.

Mitch: I fucking love Mitch and the only reason he isn’t in SS tier is because of how goddamn dirty the writers did him. You give me this boy- this butterknife wielding, foul-mouthed, angry, hilarious, bomb-making boy and make me fall in love with him and THEN YOU KILL HIM OFF IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE. “Oh, lemme just run at the crazy lady with a knife and- OOF! It appears I’ve been throat stabbed bleh-” I’ve complained about this since ep2, but lemme say it again: Mitch had so much potential to be an amazing character but never got the chance to because we had to add to the death count and make us more afraid of Lilly even though it didn’t do shit because it was a reaction kill rather than one made out of malice.

Tenn: Tenn is such a tragic character for me. In my personal canon ending, he dies because he was “messing up again” and AJ shot him. This poor kid was so full of hope that the walkers would go away one day, he’s so genuine and never wants to hurt anyone, even if they’re trying to hurt him, and he’s so fucked up from seeing Minerva that he stops thinking and tries to go to her even as she’s being devoured right in front of him. Tenn is like this game’s Sarah, but done right. He deserved better, but he was a well-written character and I love him. His friendship with AJ was so sweet which makes it even more heartbreaking when he dies. Yet another terrific child character.

“I like you and/or your role within the story”

S1 Kenny: This dude is such a chaotic topic. I feel like 90% of the fandom has an incredibly strong opinion on him, and of that 90%, 45% of people absolutely love him and if you say anything negative you’ll get a boat to the head while the other 45% loathe him. Then you’ve got the 10% who don’t have such strong opinions, and that’s where I fall. I like Kenny, and I like S1 Kenny more than his S2 counterpart. He has a great arch throughout the season regardless if you’re his best pal or not. He has some funny lines, some emotional scenes. I’ll never forget the first time I played the scene where Kenny’s crying over Katjaa’s dead body while Duck is laying against the tree on the brink of death. And I definitely will never forget the part where he finds the boy in the attic. Overall, I like him and what he brought to S1.

Katjaa: She was really sweet and her death broke my heart. I don’t have too much to say about her, but I liked her a lot. She loved her family and met a tragic end.

Ben: Fucking Ben, man. This poor kid. Another character with wasted potential. I’ve mentioned this plenty of times before, but I wish we could get an alternative ending where Ben was the only one who survived and became Clementine’s new caretaker. There was so much room for growth. He just wanted to help out but kept screwing up and it’s just.... sad.

Christa: I’ll be honest, the first time I ever played S1, I didn’t like Christa. Something about her rubbed me the wrong way and I didn’t care about her as much as I did Omid. However, the more times I replayed it, the more I grew to love her. She’s strong but sweet, and you can’t deny how much she loves Omid. And while I wish we did get to know what happened to her in S2, I can live with it remaining unknown.

Chuck: As much as I like our guitar playing hobo friend who deserved so much more, I would probably put him a tier lower if it weren’t for the advice that he gives Lee on the train. Because of him, Lee stopped treating Clementine entirely like a little girl in need of protection and cut her hair, taught her to use a gun, and furthered their communication by building a plan together. Without Chuck and his wise hobo words, Lee might’ve fucked both of them over. Also, Chuck’s pretty badass with that shovel, he got a lot of chuckles out of me, but his death was off screen and disappointing.

Andy St John: Okay. Okay okay okay. Andy. He is so high here [and so much higher than his mom and brother] because to me, he’s the scariest of the St John’s. Why? Because he’s the most normal-appearing of the three. He acts and talks like any normal guy would. He’s someone that I could see myself running into in real life. He’s so good at hiding how fucked up he is from everyone, unlike his brother who you can just look at and go “hahahahaha no thanks” and his mother who’s character design is just awful. I find him to be the strongest of the three, the smartest and the most dangerous. And the final fight between him and Lee is amazing. I love how you can be so furious with him that you keep punching him even after the prompt goes away and then his face goes all purple and swollen. Easily the greatest antagonist in S1.

Eddie: This dude is the best character to come out of the 400 Days dlc. End of story.

Alvin: He gave me a juice box and that automatically puts him here. Real great guy but we didn’t get too into his character. Wish we could’ve, though.

Rebecca: She grew on me tbh. Didn’t like her in ep1 when she was being all pissy and all, but for the most part, she’s pretty good.

Mike: I will forever wish the writers went through with the concept of Mike being one of the guys who attacked Christa because then he could’ve had a better character backstory. Regardless, I still like him. He’s pretty funny.

Nick: Nick? Oh, you mean PURE WASTED POTENTIAL. I mean, they really did give us this super flawed but sympathetic and interesting character and kill him off-screen. They really did that. Honestly, S2 really pisses me off sometimes for the way they treated these characters. It all goes downhill once everyone escapes. Yeah, yeah, blah blah not everyone gets a meaningful death blah blah but y’know what? You can do better than that. I loved Nick and I was so excited to see what they’d do with him in the end but NOPE! Justice 4 Nick 2k19

Pete: What a good dude. He stuck by Clementine’s side even when everyone thought she was bit. Love him. Wish we saw more of him.

Sarah: Ha. Ha. PURE WASTED POTENTIAL 2.0. What else needs to be said? This girl had the foundation for a great character but again, NOPE! I really liked Sarah! I wanted to teach her to use a gun to protect herself! The loss of her father fucking broke her and it was hard to watch but I wanted more and just ahaklsdjlaskjdlkakjaskjsaadkljas ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

Ava: Yo. Ava’s a fucking gorgeous badass. Really liked her and how she was sweet on Clementine. Also, it’s interesting that she stuck by David’s side like that.

David: I have a lot of mixed feelings about David. On one hand, the complicated relationship between him and Javier is good, even if it’s a little bullshit at times. On the other hand, David’s an asshole. But he’s a great antagonistic character. I do love that about him. The shit with him and Kate was a little annoying, but only because they didn’t ever elaborate on anything. On what level was the marriage fucked? Was it straight-up abusive? What happened to David’s first wife? Why did Kate and David get married in the first place? I got questions! But, like Javier, I think David deserved a better game with better writing.

Jesus: This dude parkour kills walkers. Pretty fucking badass.

Tripp: I feel like I don’t like Tripp as much as some people. I like him fine, but I know a lot of folks gush about him. I think he’s a good dude, a little pushy with Eleanor, but he’s loyal and strong.

S2 Lilly: I fucking hate Lilly. I hate her so goddamn much. She pushes every wrong button with her bullshit “Where's our new recruits?? Lee would be so disappointed knowing he taught you all the wrong things! You’re one of my people now, Clementine” AND THE GODDAMN “Yes, Ma’am” SHIT. Nothing irks me more than every time someone from the delta acts like Lilly’s the baddest bitch and call her “Ma’am” I HATE IT AND I HATE HER. SHE KILLED MITCH. SHE KIDNAPPED MY CHILDREN. SHE DARES TO TRY AND HURT LOUIS LIKE HE’S NOTHING. AND I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER....... That being said, y’all are probably thinking “wtf if you hate her so much why isn’t she in F tier???” and that’s because no other antagonist in these games has ever gotten this strong of a reaction out of me. Lilly is a damn good antagonist. She’s not perfect, and there are definitely things I would change or add, but she does her job and makes me absolutely livid [yeah yeah I know ha ha ha ha] every time she’s on screen doing her bullshit. I hate her and that counts for something. She’s easily the best “villain” in the entire series.

Ruby: I love my funny little hot-headed medic. Ruby’s amazing and I love her.

Willy: This kid really grew on me. I thought he was weird and creepy at the beginning but I adore him now. His brotherly relationship with Mitch should’ve been explored more, and at times his voice acting is kind of jarring, but I still love him.

“You’re fine, I guess...”

Duck: He’s fine. I like Duck. I like the “what if” scenarios we’ve come up with surrounding his character, and his death always puts a lump in my throat, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to say I love him, y’know?

Doug: Again, he’s fine. He has some funny moments when you save him, and he’s got a cool little panda bear on his sweater but... yeah. He’s okay.

Mark: Oh hai Mark. He’s cool, and the reason he’s not lower is because the iconic moment of finding him in the hidden room with his legs chopped off choking out the words “Don’t... eat... dinner” forever haunts my nightmares.

Russell: I’m not a big fan of most of the playable 400 Days characters, but I think if I had to pick a favorite, it’s Russell. His backstory of being with the group that believed in the power of 7′s [I think it was 7 I dunno going off of memory here] was cool and his weird thing with Nate was fun and disturbing. He’s a pretty cool character.

Carlos: I’ve made posts about Carlos before and how I think he had a lot of potential, but looking strictly at his role in the game and I’m left underwhelmed. I did get a lot of shit for where I placed him in my previous tier because he was [and still is] above S2 Kenny but I’m not going to lie and say I like Kenny more than him because... I don’t. I just think Carlos should’ve been given more development.

Carver: A cool antagonist who was defeated waaaaaay too early in the game. They were doing a fantastic job at making me hate him with his treatment of Clementine, beating the shit out of Kenny, murdering Alvin and pulling all that shit with Rebecca, but killing him off so quickly didn’t make it feel as satisfying. Again, underwhelming.

Sam: This pup betrayed me and he ain’t no Rosie, but we played frisbee so he gets a C I guess

Gabe: Y’know, Gabe could’ve been so good. But every time I play through ANF, he ends up annoying me more than Ben. What does that tell you? He’s fine, but he could’ve been a lot better.

Mariana: I’m not so much “meh” on Mari because I think she’s sweet and likable! The problem is I don’t want to put her any higher because really? What did she do? She died horribly because Badger’s a piece of shit.

Abel: Meh this guy’s garbage. I only put him up a little higher because the scene with him in the basement is really good.

Brody: Brody is like the Mariana of S4 for me, just a bit better. I do like her. She had some development but her whole purpose was to die by Marlon’s hand and get the plot going. Would’ve loved to learn more about her, but I couldn’t give her anything higher than a C.

Minerva: Controversial opinion but........ I don’t like Minerva as much as a lot of people do. If I could be brutally honest, if I were ranking these characters solely on how I feel about them without looking at their roles in the games and character development, Minerva would be in E tier at the highest. However, I can’t deny how tragic and complex her character and backstory is. It’s similar to how I feel about Lilly, but different. I think she’s just so fucked up from the delta that she’s become a husk of who she was and it results in her constantly pissing me off with all her shit. Also, the bridge scene alone bumps her up. That shit was crazy in a good yet tragic way.

Omar: At one point, I forgot Omar existed until he got shot in the leg...... but he’s also God so y’know. I like him but I also had to make up my own little backstory for him so...

“Meh”

S1 Lilly: I don’t care about S1 Lilly in the slightest, she’s awful. They made her way more compelling in S4. And she killed my girlfriend which is bullshit on it’s own.

Jolene: If I could rewrite S1, I would’ve thrown out the Stranger and had Jolene be the kidnapper. As Danny said, “What a waste.”

Bonnie: She’s pretty disappointing, tbh. I didn’t like how the game help pushing her onto Clem and overall she’s pretty forgettable.

Vince: He’s okay, I guess. He killed a dude one time. And shot a guy’s foot off.

Wyatt: “Meh” hahaha Eddie was a cooler character than he was

Jane: I wish Jane had been the Molly of S2 and stayed gone after she left the first time. I like that she taught Clementine some useful survival tactics and that’s what puts her on this tier, but I think we all know how I feel about the whole Jane vs. Kenny thing by now so...

S2 Kenny: This Kenny actually moved up a tier because I fully took in everything he’s been through thus far and.... “Meh.” I don’t think he’s good for Clementine, I think she and AJ need a group like Wellington. I recognize that he’s a lot of people’s favorite, but like I said above in his S1 counterpart, I’m the 10% that doesn’t have that strong of an opinion on him. I’d much rather discuss other characters over him.

Sarita: Forgettable, really. Except for when you get the chance to cut her hand off. That fucking scream of hers is anything but forgettable, yeesh.

Walter: Again, mostly forgettable. His death was sad, and I do think he’s a good example of what happens when you’re too trusting in this world, but overall he doesn’t stand out to me.

Kate: I probably would’ve liked Kate more if her romance wasn’t so damn forced. She has some funny lines, but she’s also pretty selfish and fickle when it comes to a lot of things. And I will forever be annoyed at her inability to keep her mouth shut about her and Javi’s relationship [or lack of] in front of David.

“I don’t like you but you’re not the absolute worst, I guess...”

Danny St John and Brenda St John: I put these two together because they have the same issue: They’re fucking creepy. Where Andy was normal and deceiving, these two look like they want to cut my legs off and eat them. I think they’re much weaker in character than Andy was, even with Danny’s weird sexual fixation of his gun and Brenda talking about her husband.

Vernon: He’s not the absolute worst because I do feel a little sympathy for him losing his daughter, but everything else just makes me not like him.

Shel and Becca: Easily my two least favorite characters in 400 Days. I had no real interest in either of them.

Arvo: This guy. I didn’t put him in as the absolute worst because of all the unnecessary shit Kenny put him through. No wonder he wanted to get the hell outta there.

Clint: I literally couldn’t give a single shit about this dude or what happens to him.

Eleanor: I don’t like Eleanor. I found her annoying. Her one good quality is her want to help people, but that want didn’t do much to help Tripp now did it, Eleanor.

“The absolute worst”

Larry: Did you expect anything else? Fuck this guy.

Stranger: Worst final antagonist ever. You’re telling me I have to fight this Mister Roger’s tootsie pop? I’ll bet you $1 I can do it with one hand. Fuck this guy.

Troy: Fuck Troy. All he does is smack Clementine around and then get shot in the dick.

Joan: This lady is a laughably bad antagonist. The worst fucking “villian” jfc...

---

There ya have it. Do you agree, disagree? Maybe a character I found boring you really liked! Maybe you want to tell me why Kenny is the best/worst again! We can discuss it.

I’m always open to talking about these characters!

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mtvswatches · 6 years ago

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Jane the Virgin 1x13 Chapter Thirteen

Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments.)

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) “And we officially find out the sex.” Unfortunately, this is one of the very few things I already know – she will be having a baby boy. I still think it’s going to be very interesting to see how the news of a baby boy is received in an all-female house. I’m positive Jane will want a baby girl.

2) Thank you, narrator, for reading my mind.

It should be noted that Petra should absolutely not trust Lachlan.

3) Rose/Sin Rostro is masterfully using her role as the oblivious widow to gather information from Michael and Nadine. At least she’s trying to defend Rafael by claiming that neither of them knew about “Emilio’s” criminal activities…

I wonder if now that we know she’s Sin Rostro we’ll see her in action or if most of her deeds will continue to be unbeknownst to us.

4) So… since he got the sack, Rogelio has been eating sandwiches and surfing the Internet. That’s exactly what I did while I was unemployed, so kudos to you, Rogelio.

5) Yes, Jane wants to have a baby girl.

6) Oh, shit. This totally got me.

DOCTOR: This bright spot on the baby's heart is called an echogenic focus. And there's another one on the bowel. Now, I know that probably sounds scary. But let me be clear, by itself, this has no effect on the baby's health or the heart.

RAFAEL: So what's the problem with it?

DOCTOR: Well, at the moment, there is no problem. But an echogenic focus can be a marker for possible chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus. But like I said, it could also be nothing, a normal variant.

RAFAEL: And you can't tell which it is, whether it's nothing or something?

DOCTOR: Uh, not from an ultrasound, no.

RAFAEL: Jane?

JANE: Sorry. How do we find out then?

DOCTOR: We can do an amniocentesis. It's a relatively common procedure where we remove and test fetal cells. After the procedure, we'll put you on bed rest for 48 hours. And after the risk has passed, you're back to your life.

JANE: What's the risk?

DOCTOR: Miscarriage. Statistically, it occurs in about one in 300 of these procedures.

I’m guessing she won’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl after this. I also wonder if this will be another test for how strong their relationship is.

7) I knew it, Alba vieja zorra! I love it!

8) YES, YOU CAN.

9) Rogelio is kind of delusional about his status as a star and he is a total diva, so I’m kind of looking forward to seeing him get a reality check.

10) Aww, Rafael…

Gah, this kind of broke me? I’m an emotional mess right now, everything brings me to tears because I’m on my period. TMI? Sorry.

11) Woof, that whole conversation about the test and the baby among Jane, Alba, and Xiomara was some heavy shit. I really wasn’t expecting the show to get so serious so soon? They even brought up the possibility of having an abortion. And now, I’m kind of hoping she has a baby with special needs because I’m trying to think of other shows that have gone there and I’m going blank? And with so much talk about representation, that’s a minority that hardly ever is given any representation at all. They are never represented as… people, with struggles and feelings and wants and needs just like everyone else. Is it bad that I want this?

12) Milos really can’t take no for an answer, and I’m guessing all the anger management stuff is not going to hold him back for too long.

13) DON’T, JANE!

Brb, I can’t type because of aLL THE FUCKING TEARS. I think it wasn’t a good idea to watch this episode while I’m on my period. TMI? Sorry.

This is messing me up so much.

14) Oh, wow – I’m still crying btw – I know I haven’t been #teamrafael, but…

I think what he did here was absolutely wonderful. He’s freaking out as much as Jane is, he’s also haunted by all the what-ifs and he’s confused and uncertain and terrified. Yet, he doesn’t let it show. He understands precisely what Jane needs from him right now, and he fucking delivers. He’s supportive, sweet, understanding, and reassuring. And bless him for it because he’s also comforted me.

(Don’t get me wrong, I still think there’s not much substance to their relationship, but I truly appreciate the way he acted here.)

15) This kind of reminded me of Captain Holt for some reason?

This type of unexpected meltdown in front of an unwilling audience, you know?

16) Graduation ceremonies are overrated, so it shouldn’t even be a question what she should do.

17) How could Sin Rostro not know that Emilio was cheating on her?

18) She’s been wearing a wig this whole time? What for? Does the wig work like Superman’s glasses? In an “inexplicably completely make people believe this a whole different person” kind of way?

19) What is Rafael’s plan about? I have no idea, but Xiomara seems to be super sure Jane is not going to love it, and I trust her completely.

20) What a surprise, the conversation between Xiomara and Alba also got me. Alba is an old-fashioned, traditional kind of woman, so it’s understandable that she made the choice to “honor” her husband’s memory by not finding a new partner. But in spite of her traditional ways, she’s also refreshingly open-minded, especially when it comes to listening to Jane’s and Xiomara’s advice. Despite being so different, Xiomara and Alba truly respect each other and value each other’s opinion, so I think Xiomara said exactly what Alba needed to hear.

21) Jane is worried she made a mistake by having the test done, but I agree with Rafael – there really was no right or wrong decision here, it all sucked. So all they were left with was choosing what sucked less, whatever gave them as much peace of mind as possible. Jane also asks Rafael whether he would forgive her if anything went wrong, but the big question is, would Jane forgive herself? I don’t think so.

22) So, Sin Rostro is not so clever after all… she slipped up by assuring the detectives she 100% thought Emilio was at his office the night of the murder, but now Emilio’s girlfriend told them Emilio called Rose and told her he was at the boat. Can Michael really figure it all out so quickly?

23) He fucking did. I’m impressed.

24) Okay, Rafael’s plan was indeed cheesy/sweet…

25) Yep, the tears keep on coming…

Xiomara and Jane have a wonderful relationship.

26) Oh, this was savage…

LACHLAN: Yes, so here's the thing. You're not coming.

PETRA: What?

LACHLAN: You never were. And I want you out of the hotel. Good news you're already packed.

PETRA: I don't understand.

LACHLAN: Really? Because I warned you. (flashback: Karma's a bitch.) And then you screwed me over again. Are you surprised that you could be outmaneuvered? PETRA: No. I'm surprised you could be this awful.

Gotta admire his commitment to revenge, though.

27) So Rafael and Jane have decided not to find out the baby’s sex but Jane is still holding on to the fantasy that it’s a girl. That’s going to cause problems.

28) Fucking Milos bought part of the hotel? So he’s sticking around? Color me fucking surprised! He bought it for Petra? They’ll be partners?

29) rogELIO CANNOT LEAVE. I WON’T FUCKING ALLOW IT. He’s going to be forced to choose between staying with his newfound family or his career right? And he’s going to choose the former right? RIGHT?!

30) WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Zazo is still alive?!!! HOW????? And why are he and Rafael all buddy-buddy?? OH WAIT! IT’S HIS BROTHER ISN’T IT????!!! PETRA AND RAFAEL MENTIONED HIM ONCE!!! IT COULD BE HIS TWIN BROTHER!! I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SHOUTING!! Sorry.

31) Well, this episode was a rollercoaster. I don’t know if it’s a well-regarded episode or not, or if it was because I’m on my period (TMI? Sorry.) but it definitely made me feel lots of things! Now I can’t wait to figure out if I’m right about Zazo/Zazo’s brother!

32) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

#Jane the Virgin #Jane Villanueva #Gina Rodriguez #Rogelio De La Vega #Rafael Solano #JTV recap #JTV 1x13 #mine #MTVSwatches

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techfanged · 7 years ago

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gettcgged replied to your post: aLSO I HAD A SUPER WEIRD DREAM WHO WANTS TO HEAR...

[meeeee]

Putting under the cut because i’m convinced people would think I’m taking acid or something after hearing this dream I had.

so basically it started off weird but normal; a new CIV game was released and this one was in both 3d AND virtual reality, so for example, you can spawn on a huge floating island above a chunk of land and you can have a civ there and someone else can have a civ right below you. I thought i won the game early on but because of the fact someone could be below me, I didn’t and I got really mad, so I tried to find a way down and discovered this weird temple but I thought nothing of it. Then I proceeded to kick more ass in the game but still didn’t win because like an idiot I said that there should be 8 civs and not 4 like I had thought I did and one was still reamining, so I set out to try and find them and stumbled upon the temple again.

However, this time, it was populated by the diamonds from SU! Turns out tiw as their temple! Seeing a human go them really really mad and they started screaming at me and white Diamond’s face also melted for some reason??? Suddenly the main SU cast was there (i forget who all is the main cast now I haven’t watched the show in five decades) and for some reason Lapis was fused with a lobster? White Diamond’s face kept melting and she stormed off into the head of the statue because no one in the group was tall enough to join her in her chambers, so blue diamond came and collected us all... except for Lapis because Lapis was half fused with a lobster and she didn’t want to see her, so I got really pissed at the diamonds and told them off and said that I was better than them because I wanted Lapis around bc let’s be real a half water manipulator half lobster fusion sounds pretty slick. So I laughed and left with the group and the diamonds were so furious that later that night, they all turned super saiyan and soared high into the sky after killing all the birds for some reason???? And then they unleashed Binding Of Isaac Bullet Hell Poison bombs and killed everyone from the Civ game while I was hiding under a giant mushroom and then White DIamond’s face melted again before she threw a giant bomb and killed me

TURNS OUT, though, that that was the bad ending of the game and that I got a chance to rework it by not accepting Lapis. Blue Diamond turned everyone into these really weird creatures idk how to describe them but we were attached to red strings and lifted up and down like puppets until I suddenly found myself turned back into a human at my old high school.

I walked through the doors but the layout was super different and ran into a few of my old teachers who thought I was still a student and were mad at me for not being in class, so I told them I was on the middle school side helping out another teacher bc that was my go-to-excuse when I wasn’t in class and they got even more mad like ‘Well you should have told us all >:I’ which like fair but at the same time I was salutatorian (that is true and not something dream me concocted btw I actually was salutatorian) and they needed to chill so I just. went to class. However I think I was drunk in the dream because I nearly fell down two flights of stair seven after grabbing a rail? I somehow managed to get to my college’s book store of all things and began to look for a math text book because I was starting up the semester again and I was forced into a trigonometry class because I had nothing else to take, and I ended up stealing this girl’s chair and told her I’d let her star in my movie (still don’t know why dream me said that; filmography is your field rok not mine) if she’d accept my apology and he was like ‘ok C:’ and left.

I couldn’t find my book so I walked out and ended up in a weird version of my uni’s humanities department and ran into a really cute guy that was for some reason drawing Sonic the Hedgehog with a metal pen (even in the ink it made was metal ngl it was kinda neat) and it was such a neat drawing, so I tried to join him but I can’t draw Sanic worth a damn so I failed horrible and he felt bad that he let me have the pen. I walked into the hallway and ran into a guy telling me hte story about a room that I interpreted as he meant it was haunted when he actually meant ‘hey if you do this weird movement against the wall it makes a weird sound’ and I felt so embarrassed that I ran away and suddenly found myself falling into trigonometry class!

My professor didn’t realize I missed half the class and he started lecturing when the most shocking of things happened; White Diamond was back and she was fucking pissed! She was mad at me for escaping her in game so she was planning on punishing everyone in the class if I couldn’t find 10 surveillance cameras she hid in the room! I found 9 of them without anyone’s help but the 10th one was attached to this weird circuit thing that she made that no one could get to without electrocuting oneself/ The girl from the bookstore was there and she tried to use a chisel but she got electrocuted and fell backwards into someone’s arms. Then my professor tried to do it with jumper cables and although he got really electrocuted, he managed to short circuit the thing somehow and snagged the last camera for me. White Diamond screamed “Nooooooo” and exploded and everyone in the class clapped and cheered. My professor started twerking for. some reason. and excitedly told us we had an exam the next class period. We took our seats as he began to lecture us and the girl from the bookstore let me see her notes. For some reason though she also took my hand and started rubbing it and when I said ‘um I’m gay’ she said ‘I Know’ which apparently made me feel so weird and confused that I woke up.

TL;DR I had a super weird dream and id be surprised if no one thought I was taking acid last night to have such a weird dream.

#gettcgged #| ✖. OOC 🐻 ❝ нey мr. dj leт тнe мυѕeѕ тaĸe мe υndergroυnd. ❞ |#;;tbd #drug mention //#// wHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DREAM DID I HAVE LAST NIGHT #// WHAT IS ANY OF THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN #// also please read this you might get a good laugh out of this

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rjcauthor · 7 years ago

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How to Make a Living as an Indie Author

[Author Note: Originally published on my website in 2014. The basics remain the same.]

I thought about titling this post, "My Advice to Writers 2014 - 150,000 Books Later," [2018 Update - 1,000,000+ sold and counting] but it'd be disingenuous. I'm not speaking to all writers here. There are plenty of advice guides/blog posts for basic writers, for the hobbyist, for the person who wants to get their book queried and submitted, etc, etc.

I'm not really an expert in any of those fields, so why spend my day off writing a blog post about it? (Why spend my day off writing a blog post at all, honestly? Fuck if I know. I should be on the couch partaking of the last day of the Titanfall beta or rewatching a few of the Harry Potter movies on Blu-ray. Instead, I'm doing this. I must be mental.) Anyway, I'm writing this because I want to speak to a certain segment of the writing population, and that's the person who wants to make a living as an indie author.

I've written advice posts before, and a lot of them were filled with caveats that were designed to protect people's feelings and avoid controversy, and also protect my ass from anyone who might get upset. Let me get those out of the way ahead of time: I'm assuming if you're going to read further you're:

a) Looking to make a living as an indie author, and are unwilling to accept any other means of making a living long-term.

b) Are smart enough to decide after reading my advice if the methods I describe are a fit for you.

c) Are willing to work for 100 hours per week for a sustained period of time if that's what it takes.

d) Are smart enough to know that I'm too busy to personally mentor anyone beyond this post. You're going to need to figure out the rest for yourself. Find some author friends, some like minded people you can talk to. It'll help a lot.

(As an aside, my harsh words here in this post are going to be the least of the slings and arrows you'll have to deal with if you go down this road, so maybe take it as a warning to look for surer footing elsewhere.)

Some quick background:

In March of 2011 I had been in financial services for seven years. It wasn't going terribly well, and I was spending all my free time working on a story idea that was absolutely haunting me. It kept me up at night writing, and I was having my friends read it and waiting anxiously for their feedback. I loved it - loved writing it, loved hearing what they had to say about it, loved every part of it enough that I was forgoing all my other hobbies just to write.

That was a unique experience for me. I'd gotten a degree in Creative Writing with the intent of becoming a novelist, but gave up on that dream by the time graduation had rolled around. I hated writing after getting my degree, my love of it all ground out of me by years of being forced to write about subjects I did not give two fucks and a shit about. I'd started half a hundred novels from the time I was in fourth grade until college; after college I didn't write anything for eight years.

I had started writing again in the summer of 2010. I kept writing for a few months during that summer, in spite of everything that was going on - work demands, a toddler running around the house, a pregnant wife, a house that we were doing a ton of work on to sell, selling said house, moving in with my in-laws, and a hell of a lot more.

I wrote in spite of all of this. I wrote DURING all of this. I kept coming up with ideas to advance my plot, ideas for interactions between my characters, ideas, ideas and more ideas. I'd sit at work and write ideas down during meetings - whole chunks of scenes and dialogue. I was a financial services salesperson and trainer; I was supposed to be paying attention.

It got bad. I didn't care about my financial services business anymore, all I cared about was writing. So I started trying to figure out how to become a full-time writer, and looked into traditional publishing (which was the only game I had heard of back then). It wasn't a happy answer I came back with. The short version: Good fucking luck, kid, and don't quit your day job.

A little depressed, I put aside my writing for a few months and redoubled my efforts in financial services in preparation for the upcoming baby. By the time January rolled around, I was twice as frustrated, and I was back on the writing again. I looked for answers to the question of, "How do I become a full-time author?" again, and this time I found something different.

Self-publishing. Amanda Hocking. Joe Konrath. They told tales of copious sales, of massive amounts of money, and of working hard, but being in charge of your own destiny. I found a few other names like David Dalglish and B.V. Larson, and I started studying up to figure out how I could do just a fraction of what they were doing. It took me about a month or so to figure it all out, but I came up with a plan, and on March 5, 2011, I told my wife I wanted to quit financial services and stay home with the baby so I could write in every available moment.

I'll spare you the argument and say that eventually she went for it. So I stayed home with our youngest and wrote obsessively during naps and after bedtime, defraying daycare expenditures for the first year and releasing two books with a third finished by the end of the year. After that, we put both kids in daycare all-day, every-day and I started writing full-time as of January 1st, 2012. I was making a living by the end of September, just after my sixth book came out.

And here's what it took to do it.

1. Be calculating

Whenever I talk about what I do/did as an indie author, I inevitably hear people in the background say, "Ehh, he just got lucky, that's all."

To them I say: I planned for both failure and success, understanding that as long as I did not yield, I could work until some level of success was inevitable. Luck may have vaulted me to way above what I'd planned for, but I didn't count on it and it wasn't required to be able to making a living, which is what I wanted - and what I planned for.

I worked my ever-loving ass off in ways that no one ever saw, spent most of my off-hours in analysis, took mighty risks, gambled a lot of money, time and basically my entire future on my own success, and then watched things work ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE I PLANNED FOR IT TO BEFORE I EVEN FINISHED MY FIRST NOVEL.

You need to constantly assess the landscape by reading about your industry. You need to know about what's going on in the world of publishing, the world of craft, everything about your industry that you can soak up. Even if it sounds stupid, even if you violently disagree with it, the time you spend learning these things can all weigh in the formulation of your game plan.

Watch the people who are doing it, and try to distill the common denominators of their success. I heard some motivational coach say, "Success leaves clues." No successful author is doing it exactly the same way, but a lot of them are doing similar things.

A lot of people speak of planning like it's something you do once and forget about.

Are you fucking kidding me? Planning is an ongoing process. Like Sun-Tzu said, your plan ain't gonna survive contact with the enemy (pretty much everything is your enemy, btw, this publishing environment is like Australia) so you have to revise it constantly. Throw out what isn't working, make new plans, revise old ones. My overarching plan (strategy) was this:

i) Write a shitload of books

ii) Get them in people's hands somehow

iii) ?????*

iv) PROFIT!

*(Step iii is actually, "Get them to pay for the next ones.")

It's the little plans (the tactics) - how to get those steps done - that needed changing. And you must assess where you are CONSTANTLY. And it cannot get in the way of your writing. (Starting to see why obsession - #5 - is important?)

I had this basic strategy/plan when I came to my wife on that day in March, and frankly, the strategy hasn't changed in the (nearly) three years since. What has changed are the tactics - the little ways I carried out said plan. Back then the way you carried out ii was through 99 cent pricing. That no longer works the way it once did, so now it's permafree or box sets (or the nuclear option, permafree box sets). (See points #2 and #7).

Caveats/Pitfalls for Point #1:

a) You will need to spend your off hours studying this business the way a horny teenage boy studies every line of the pretty girl in front of him's body while he's bored in math class. (See point #5, re:obsession.) You will need to read articles, journals, blogs, books and possible advice scrawled on rest area bathroom walls. (Jenny - 867-5309 and other assorted bathroom stall wisdom is probably not going to help you, but collect it anyway. Better to have it than not.)

b) If you have no experience running a business of any kind, things will be more difficult for you. I don't know how much. I spent eight years running a business in financial services before taking on this responsibility, and it was like an internship that prepared me for being an indie author. I learned to manage my time, I learned about marketing and sales, about loss leaders, and about picking up the shovel and doing unpleasant work I didn't want to do in the name of staving off working for someone else. I hate the thought of working for someone else. It's a powerful motivator for me. If you don't have motivation to drive yourself, this is going to be tough for you.

2. Write fast

Ingredient number one in the souffle of success is hard work. But simple hard work is not enough; results are key here.

In fact, this is probably the biggest caveat to the whole equation, because if you can't write fast (and a lot of people can't, no shame in that) it might not work for you like it worked for me. I wrote 140,000 words of fiction in my evenings over the course of a couple months while I was still running my financial services business because I was so obsessed with the story I had to tell.

Some things that *might* help you write faster - writing sprints of 15-60 minutes, reinforced by taking your laptop computer somewhere that has no internet/distractions or using an internet blocking program like Anti-Social or Freedom. Still, if you can't write fast enough to get out four books per year...again, this might not be the plan for you. I'm not dogging on you, I just know what it took for me to get to my present level of success, and I'm not sure what it will take below that level of output. Is it still possible? I'm sure it is. I just didn't plan that way so I can't really advise you.

Additional caveats/pitfalls of fast writing -

a) Make sure you have an error correction process in place. Spellcheck alone is not going to do it. Professional editing would be a great idea.You have to decide what your Quality Assurance process will be, but you need to have SOMETHING in place. Not every reader is turned off by tons of errors in a manuscript, but a lot of them are. These errors take away from your story. They're a distraction. You're fighting the wind instead of using it. Don't get me wrong, there's such a thing as TOO MUCH when it comes to time spent on error correction, but you need to find this balance for yourself.

b) You can write crap to get the words out, but you damned sure better edit/rewrite it until it's professional-grade. I can fix words on a page that suck, but I can't edit a blank page. Make sure your stories are good (See point #4), that they're engaging, that they keep the reader moving through. Get beta reader feedback to tell you where people are putting your books down and try to figure out WHY they're doing it. HINT: They may not know the reason why, exactly. Study craft to narrow it down.

3. Learn business

There's a lot of bullshit out there. Tons of it. Enough to fertilize the entire world. In your opinion, maybe this post is filled with it. It doesn't really bother me if that's what you think, because once I write this post, I'm done with it. I'm not an advice guru, I'm a full-time independent author who derives all his income from selling books, not writing advice posts. So if you don't like the material herein and think it's bullshit, you know what to do with it - fertilize something.

What does this have to do with business? Everything. If you're going to be a full-time independent author, you have to fill your time with things an indie author would do. You also have to develop a really exceptional bullshit filter. You need to seek WISDOM (publishing information) from a variety of sources and develop the DISCRETION (bullshit filter) to decide what to apply and what not to. Some of the things you decide not to apply may not be bullshit; they just may not be a fit for the direction you want to take your career.

For example, discounting. Lots of people run sales on books, run specials on books. I haven't done hardly any of this, with a couple recent exceptions. This particular strategy is NOT bullshit, it just doesn't fit for the direction I want to go with my career. It's a perfectly reasonable business plan that works, just not one I want to employ.

Another thing about business - if you're not able to understand basics of profit and loss, contracts and how they affect you, the concept and application of loss leaders, basics of time management - okay, this is going to be a problem. The indie authoring industry is a place of shifting sands, where things are changing rapidly and what worked yesterday isn't necessarily going to work tomorrow.

What else goes into the business end of things? Tracking sales, choosing vendors, figuring out your budget, figuring out how to grow top-line sales while improving the bottom line by controlling costs, and dealing with the ten thousand assorted land mines that could crop up on a daily basis. Other business activities could include trawling through the data on your bit.ly or smartURL links to determine where you sales are coming from, figuring out which the best venues are for adbuys (I have no comment on this) or networking with other writers and talking shop.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) This is probably the least clearly delineated subject in this post. The reason why is because I don't really know how fast you can learn what you need to know. Maybe you've already got all the business experience you need to start with the basics. Maybe you have no business experience and are starting from scratch. I'm not even sure what all I've learned along the way from my previous career and how much it helped me, at least not in quantifiable terms. I just know it's helped a TON.

b) If you don't know anything about business, that doesn't mean it's GAME OVER, MAN. You can learn. I highly recommend constantly trying to assess your weaknesses and figuring out how to shore those up. A couple areas I think authors struggle with - Time Management/Procrastination and Self-Discipline. If you've got those areas down, good for you. A few books I think might help if you feel out of control or unsure are Kris Rusch's Freelancer's Survival Guide and Brian Tracy's Eat that Frog! (which is a time management/priority setting book). Actually, I've read a lot of books by Brian Tracy and they've all helped. The Freelancer's Guide is a good starting point, though, for general business basics.

4. Learn your craft

I'm not talking about grammar and spelling. Spellcheck can save you in one of these regards. You do need some basic knowledge of sentence structure, syntax, etc, but a good editor can help you if you're close on that. Grammar and spelling aren't really elements of craft.

Here I'm talking about descriptions, narrative voice, all the components that allow you to take the reader from beginning to end without losing them. There are a LOT of pieces to this particular puzzle, and you'll spend a lifetime working on this if you're serious about it because there's always something new to learn. Still, some fundamentals:

a) Openings

b) Cliffhangers

c) Pacing

d) Character Voice and Setting

Classes on all these topics (and more) can be found online. Make sure you use your bullshit filter to determine whether the person you’re learning from is actually worth learning from.

If you can't afford classes, let me suggest you at least read heavily in these and other areas of craft. There are tons of books on craft from experts out there. I'll try and compile a list to place at the bottom of this post in the comments, but I don't have time for it right now.

Be deliberate, as Joe Konrath would say, considering how best to improve and giving all due thought to how you can employ what you've learned in your next work to make your writing better.

All craft exercises boil down to one purpose and one alone: HOOK YOUR READER FROM THE FIRST WORD AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT FUCKING LET THEM GO UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.

Everything you learn in craft, from characterization to plotting to whatever is essentially boiled down to the essential storytelling skill of keeping them interested in what you're saying. Find the obstacles in your writing that are knocking people out of your work and shave the rough edges off them as fast as your peppy little fingers can figure out which keys to punch to do so.

Some things that can help you build your audience - write in a series. Same characters when possible (not EXACTLY possible in romance to keep the same main characters book after book, but in mystery, sci-fi, fantasy, etc, you should do this). Can you build a career writing standalone novels? Yeah, but I don't know how to do it so go find someone who can instruct you in this manner. (see point #7 for more on the benefits of writing in a series.)

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) Your first million words is (probably) going to suck. I had an advantage here in that I've been writing books since grade school so I expelled a lot of these crappy words during my teens/early twenties the way White Castle hamburgers are expelled from your digestive tract - violently and messily, with much disgust from anyone who witnesses this spectacle.

b) Taken alongside the first caveat, realize that sometimes you're better off jumping series as your craft/ability to hold the reader improves. My first series did not take off the way my second series has (probably because the first book isn't as strongly written/well-crafted with hooks in the first as the second). It doesn't mean I abandoned my first series (in fact it's doing quite well now) but I did put it on the back-burner for the last couple years as I focused on the one that was paying my bills. The first book of my first series was...my first book. Ever. I was still learning to write a damned novel. My craft got stronger and my second series did much better.

5. Be obsessed

To quote Bree Bridges (half of the Kit Rocha writing duo of hilarity and awesomeness), "When I say it's possible to make money in publishing, I'm assuming you've tried the easier things like digging for pirate treasure."

This does not mean it's impossible. It does not mean you can't do it. It just means that if you're just looking to make a living, it's easier to get a job that works you 40 hours a week that allows you to shut off your brain afterward.

You CANNOT do that in self-publishing and expect to have it work. You will need to think about it all the time. Wanting to make your living telling stories has to be the thing you get up for in the morning and the thing you go to sleep at night thinking about.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life telling stories and getting paid for it. I wanted no boss, no schedule but that I set for myself, and I was willing to work 100 hours per week for myself so I didn't have to work 40 for someone else (thanks to L.T. Ryan for that quote).

6. Market

Lots of people have different definitions for this. I have only one - help people who are looking for a book like yours to find your damned book. You can call it visibility, you can call it discoverability, you can call it the gorram hillbilly rock for all the fucks I give on the subject.

How did I market? One way, and one way only, pretty much. I wrote in a series that had an overarching story, and I set my first book in said series to free. Permanently. That's right, you can read the first book in my two series for absolutely nothing in e-reader formats. (More on this in point #7.)

But wait, you say! It's now 2017 and that doesn't work anymore. Amazon has come along and killed the permafrees to death using an algorithm attached to a death ray.

Fine. What's the lowest possible price you can get as many of your books to? Do that and see how many copies you can give away. No, I don't care if you've got a ten book series and you're selling 9 for 99 cents in order to collect full price for that last one. If that's what it takes to move some fucking books, you'll find me there doing it, too. I will race you to the damned bottom, and I feel confident that I can whip the ass off most of the other people there because I'm obsessed, I'm a fast writer, and I have no problem with discounting ridiculous amounts of my backlist in order to get people to TRY - JUST TRY - my writing. I dare you not to read on.

And really, this is all marketing is. I'm trying to expose the readers who will LOVE my books to...MY BOOKS. Some will merely like them, but keep reading. Some readers will get caught up along the way and only somewhat enjoy my books. Maybe they'll read more, maybe not. A certain percentage will dislike my books. A certain percentage (hopefully small, if I've done my craft job correctly) will absolutely DESPISE my books and want to flame them in perpetuity with bad reviews and bad word of mouth. This number is baked into the cake of success, so get used to it. I want AS MANY OF THOSE HATERS to read my book as possible, because if they're reading it, so are the people who will love it.

Marketing is just finding ways to get those people exposed to your books. I don't do interviews, blog tours, (or blog posts, really), Twitter spamming, etc. I did it my way - permafree and having enough reviews to get the big sites like Pixel of Ink, E-reader News Today, Bookbub, Indie Book Bargains in the UK - to give me some signal boost so my books could go up the freebie charts. Kobo has given me a helping hand before as well, getting visibility on their site. I didn't ask for it, they just gave (and I'm grateful for it). Ultimately, though, none of these things would help me if I hadn't set the damned books free and gotten enough positive exposure to push them up to where people could find them.

Exposure. That's the magic word. And I don't mean the kind that gets you sent to jail for indecency, so put your pants back on. (Until you're a full-time writer, then pants are optional.)

7. Don't be afraid to give your work away for free

Between 11 April 2012 when I released my book Alone: The Girl in the Box, Book 1 and when I set it free in September 2012 some five months later, I sold 42 copies of it through all channels. In August I released books 2 and 3 in that series, ended up making four figures that month for the first time, five figures in November, and I've never even come close to a four-figure month since.

Would that have happened if I hadn't set Alone to permanently free? I doubt it. Sales weren't even moving in the right direction on it before I set it free to boost its exposure. The month before it went free it sold 3 copies. Since then it's been downloaded some 320,000 times for free and generated some 100,000+ paid sales for the rest of the series (almost all at $4.99 or the foreign equivalent).

There are two ways to look at those numbers - the first is to say, MY GOD, YOU MISSED OUT ON 320,000 SALES, ARE YOU MAD?! The answer is no, not really, because I've probably only missed out on the 3 sales a month I'd have generated without the additional visibility brought on by Alone being free, and I traded it for a boatload of money in the form of subsequent sales. That's not even counting all the people who finish reading the Girl in the Box series and move on to the other books I've written, because there are those people, too. (And I love them. My truest fans.)

That's the second way to look at it. The thought that follows is, "if only I could give away MORE copies for free, I'd be able to push that paid number to 200k+ or 300k+." (Which I'm working on).

Let's talk about the emotion of this for a moment. It hurts to set your beloved book free. It's painful to drop it to a low price. But a recent survey of successful indie authors found that something like 85% of those making over $500k per year had at least one permafree. Look for commonalities, right?

Whatever promotion hurts you the most will be most appealing to your readers. (That's according to one of the most awesome gurus of the indie movement, Edward W. Robertson.) I agree with that statement wholeheartedly, which is why this morning I started the process of setting my two biggest sellers - Untouched and Soulless, books 2 and 3 in my Girl in the Box series - to FREE. Why would I do that? Because I'm thinking even if I go from 3:1 freebie to sale ratio, if I could give away a million of those free (because of the added appeal of 3 BOOKS FOR FREE OMG DEAL) and it drops to a 5:1, I've still sold 200,000 more books. Boom.

It hurt when I set my first two books free, but it gets easier every time. And yes, it even hurt when I was selling a couple books a month, because I put blood, sweat and tears into those books, making them as good as I possibly could. However, their true value is not in the price on their cover; it's in how much money they're making for the author. After all, I'm not in this to make $10 per book; I'm in this to make a living. Free is just another tool in the toolbox for making that happen.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) Maybe your book isn't appealing to readers (NOTE: I DID NOT SAY YOUR BOOK SUCKS. Though it may. I don't rule that out, having not read your book. It may be sucking the balls of every donkey in the shire, for all I know. But maybe not.)

If this is the case, a few things will happen - once you get to about thirty reviews, you'll probablyknow it it's not appealing to readers because your review average will be low. What's low? If you're below 3.5 on 30 reviews on Amazon.com, it's not a good sign. (Caveat to the caveat: Whatever you do, don't read the reviews for your work on Goodreads. This will not be helpful to your career - or your mental health, in all probability. And definitely don't base any judgments about what to do in your career on Goodreads reviews. Goodreads reviews skew much lower than Amazon, and as far as I'm concerned, anything above 0.1 on Goodreads means I'm doing aight.)

Again, just to be plain, for bad reviews - does it mean your book SUCKS? No, not necessarily. It means that for whatever reason, it's not CONNECTING WITH READERS. Which is the name of the game to make a living. Creating pure and beautiful art is the province of people who don't have any outside concerns (and don't write genre fiction). Us lesser mortals (aka Genre writers) have to get by on the time, energy and money we have.

I would never tell you to base your career decisions on one or two reviews, but if you've got 30 reviews on Amazon and half of them are 1-stars...you're going to have a hell of time getting even a permafree enough exposure. It may be time to jump ship to another series, and possibly another pen name depending on how bad it looks.

Writers are terrible judges of their own work, and the authors who most need to be told their work sucks would still think it's awesome even if they're running a 1-star average on 5000 reviews while an author who writes amazing work tends to bash their own brains in because they got their first 1-star after 9 5-stars in a row. (Another point, which I'm going to say only once here - In the words of Troy McClure, "Get confident, stupid.")

b) Maybe you're in a genre that's not selling. Maybe it's awesome, but it's in a genre that Bookbub is ignoring. (Sorry, Bria!) That can happen. If you can, pick a popular genre. I'm not telling you to defile your art (or whatever), but I was fortunate in that the stories I wanted to tell more or less fit into a reasonably decent-selling genre (Fantasy). If you write second-person POV octopus mysteries, your mileage won't just vary - it will suck. Even if your book is awesome.

8. Never stop learning

Things change rapidly. If you're not constantly paying attention and reading industry blogs/keeping up with the goings on through some form of peer group with its ear to the ground, you will miss opportunities. You will miss landscape changes. These can be subtle (the slow death of Amazon Select - actually, know what what? That wasn't all that subtle) or obvious (I dunno. The caffeine is wearing off. Find an example on your own.) Either way, you'll lose out.

I had my plan, I had my basic strategy, and I started to make money in September 2012. I could have coasted, thinking I had my shit together. Instead, around October or November, I made an enormous change, one that felt like a pain in the ass to implement, but that has made enormous difference in my career.

I implemented a mailing list with links in the back of my books.

I didn't fully finish implementing this until February 2013 (and I kick myself for failing to do so) but HOLY CRAP does it make a different. If you're wondering what I'm talking about with a mailing list, go read THIS POST on Kboards by my friend SM Reine. I'll wait for you here until you get back. Make sure you read her follow-up posts as well, down the thread.

This single change is revolutionary. If you're waiting for your audience to come find you every time you release a book, you're basically throwing your baby into the waiting wolves of the Amazon algorithms. Want to make a bigger splash? Want to "game" the system? Get your damned fans to all buy your book at once. It'll make a bigger splash. If you have half a dozen cherry bombs and you light them one at a time, it's like launching a book with only social media to inform your audience. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop!

Get a mailing list together and send that puppy while you're informing your Facebook and Twitter, and it's like wrapping those cherry bombs together to create a stick of dynamite. It can help you push your new release up the genre list and garner you exposure for your entire series. "Oh, look, book #9 of this series looks interesting. I should go back and read book #1." Boom, you hooked a new reader. And best of all, once they sign up for your mailing list, they're added to the dynamite for future launches.

If you're going to go to the hard work of writing and releasing books for a living while you're trying to build an audience, don't be yutz by skipping the last steps to success. Find a way to make it easier for readers to hand you money. Make it simple for them to know you've got a new book out.

Don't get stuck in marketing like it's 2009 and you can just format a warm turd into a .mobi, price it at 99 cents and have an Amazon Bestseller. ( #1in the Fiction -> Fantasy -> Turds & Burglars category! Oops, sorry, they eliminated that category in the great 2013 category shuffle. Which you would know if you were paying attention.)

Never stop learning. Or you'll get your ass beaten by someone who's figured out something you haven't.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) Honestly, no matter how much you're learning, you're going to get caught flatfooted by big changes every now and again. Try and limit how often this happens by keeping your fingers on the pulse of the indie author world (and off other places - you will go blind, dammit, STOP THAT).

b) You're probably going to get your ass beaten by people anyway, so you might as well be a good sport about it. Be honest: from where you're sitting right now, if you were suddenly selling a million books per month at $2.99, would you be happy? What if you were selling that many but you were still #1,987 on your category's Author Ranking?

Put another way, who cares what your peers are doing if you're meeting your goals? Focus on you, because you can't control what others are doing, you can only learn from it and apply it to your own career if it fits.

9. Don't be afraid to fail BIG - and find a way to use it as a stepping stone for future success

My first year as an indie author (2011) I made $12.25. I actually earned more than that, but because of the limitations on how big your earnings need to be before they cut a check, that's all I made. I never cashed that check, and it's still sitting on my desk right now (which is how I knew the specific amount).

That's kind of a big failure, isn't it? Would you be happy earning that much for your year's labor? Whatever your answer (please say no), realize that I was expecting that, so I didn't get disappointed when it happened. The game I was playing was long term, and I was aiming more for growth than anything. I was excited when I went up to 25 sales in a month, and I didn't get all bummed out and pissed off and demotivated when I sagged the next month. New releases and promotions help push you up, but there's a natural sag given time.

Another "failure": I launched a book last month, a collection of short stories in my Sanctuary Series. Thus far it's sold 468 copies, and at a lower price than I usually price my work. Whoops. I wrote a short story collection in my lesser-selling series and it bombed. This isn't a huge surprise or anything, but it's a failure. I'm not going to go crying over it, but you can bet I'll think long and hard before I spend my time writing another short story collection.

Of course, here's the biggest one of all: Every month before I started making a living was a failure, really. It was a calculated failure, but it was a failure nonetheless. We were sinking money into daycare costs, losing time for me to go get a degree in something that would pay me (with an English degree and financial services experience, I don't have a great resume). I was willing to accept as many of those failures as it took to cross through to success. My wife, however, was not going to wait forever.

Every month (even now) I do an autopsy on my calendar. What did I do right this month? What did I do wrong? What can I improve? (I also track my wordcount, sales, and number of books presently for sale.) My entire career in finance ended up as a failure, but that doesn't mean I didn't take away a ton of salvage for use in this one.

Comb through your fuckups. Often times you'll learn more from those than your successes.

Caveats/Pitfalls:

a) When you start to see some success, don't be a fucking idiot and stop working. Work twice as hard, because now you know your strategy is doable. I worked even more in 2013 than I did in 2012 because now I was 100% sure I was on the right track. I'm going to see if I can beat what I did in 2013 this year.

b) I think this probably goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway in case any of you are morons): don't go into something TRYING to fail. Unless it's low risk/low loss. Assess the amount of time/energy/money you're going to sink into something before you commit to it if it's got a high failure rate. Don't waste your time doing stuff you're almost certain is doomed unless it's like five seconds of your time. And don't get bummed when it goes to shit, expect that in advance and be pleasantly surprised if you get anything out of it.

10. Keep writing

I think I'm exhausted and the caffeine is wearing off, so I'm going to make this as quick as I can. If you're the type of person who's easily discouraged, this is going to be tough on you. If you're the type of person who flits from job to job always looking for the "better deal" or the "next thing"...you're probably not going to have much success here, either. If you're not okay with spending ten hours per day hammering at your writing career on various fronts for a while without much of a vacation or break...I don't think I can help you. If you're not bursting with excitement at the stories you have inside that SIMPLY MUST BE TOLD, I'm not sure this career thing is going to be the right fit.

But if you're dedicated beyond the capacities of most humans, if you're obsessed, and you're smart, and you're willing to learn and do whatever it takes (on this side of the legal and ethical bounds please, you Frank Underwood, you) to build a backlist and get your books in front of people, you can make a living as an indie author. Will it be huge? Maybe. Will it be minimal? Maybe. I don't know. There's some definite variance in mileage between writers, but I've seen enough of them MAKE A LIVING to know it's possible if you approach it correctly and you're willing to work hard enough to make a one-armed paperhanger look idle.

Once you've got all these other points down, it's really down to you to keep writing. Keep putting books on your bookshelf. Take the hits that will come and do not stop tapping keys on that keyboard. I don't know how long it will take you to get there, I honestly don't. Personally, I didn't care how long it took. The eighteen months it took for me passed like nothing because I was having the time of my life.

This isn't the lottery; there's not just one winning ticket. There's really no luck involved either, just an obscene number of things that are outside your direct control. There are so many things you can do to influence these events, though, and I've outlined as many of them for you as I could here. I probably missed some; I'm kinda tired by now, and it's my day off.

The bottom line is that if you *really* want to be a full-time indie author, I think you can do it. Will it be easy? FUCK NO. If you're looking for easy, scroll back to that paragraph with Jenny's phone number. This will be a lot of "nose to the grindstone."

But will it be worth it?

In every year of my financial services career, I interviewed people looking to hire them. I'd listen to their stories, hear them talk about their work lives. Every day I did that, I put myself in their shoes and imagined what my life would be like if I had their career. Sometimes I'd shudder, sometimes I'd wonder what it'd be like if I'd made the choice to do what they did. Sometimes I'd wish I had. A lot of times I wished I had. Especially when things got bad.

Since the day I started to write full-time, I have never once imagined myself as anything other than a writer. I have never wanted anyone else's life or job for my own, and I have never wanted to be anyone but me. I've maybe wanted to have other authors sales numbers if they're doing better than me, but I've never wanted to swap anything else.

I don't want to do anything else but what I'm doing. I love this gig. It's the best job I've ever had. Last year I went to England for a week to research a novel and meet some fans. Had one of the best times of my life. In January, it got damned cold here so I picked up and took the kids to Florida for a week to hang out with my parents and go to Disney. Sure, they just went last October, but you only live once, right? (I also wrote something like 12,000 words on a book while I was on "vacation" so...)

For me, it was worth it. It was everything I'd ever wanted and when I got here, it was everything I'd dreamed of plus more. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're the kind of person who wants it that badly, who's willing to do what it takes to do it, I hope this helps you.

Keep writing. That's the last key. Through the bad times, and the good - hopefully it'll mostly be good, but you better plan for the other. If you want it bad enough that you're willing to put in effort in these areas, you can do it. If you're hating every day of it, though, then it's probably not for you, and there's no shame in that.

What being a full-time indie author basically boils down to is that you keep writing, because you love it so much you can't stop. No caveats. No pitfalls. Just a love of writing that won't ever let you quit.

(Editor's Note: There is no editor and I'm sure this post is riddled with errors. Fuck off and go write, okay? I'm going to go play Titanfall.)

#writing #writers #writeblr

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seeksstaronmewni · 5 years ago

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Samurai Jack Season 5 in Review: EPISODE XCII

Here is my absolute favorite Samurai Jack episode, because it’s not the end. It’s only the beginning of the end.

I was on the hype train for the return of @cartoonnetwork’s Samurai Jack after I saw the Season 5 trailer on February 8th, 2017 A.D. (I made a recent post to celebrate it) One reason was that I became obsessed about The Powerpuff Girls during the nostalgically incorrect Season 7 (the first “reboot” season) due to a liking for the Season 5-6 designs and animation, a part of the "Cartoon Cartoons” I grew up watching... and I was right to expect former PPG creatives on it! This post highlights the events of the episode and why it’s one of the best Samurai Jack episodes ever--and how much I binged on it at first! You can check the episode out here (Season 5 reran Sunday mornings at 3:30A on Adult Swim), and soon on HBO Max. Also, if you’re on Twitter, check the links to my tweets in the underlined text! They’re old tweets and need some love!

If you saw not this episode yet, be aware of SPOILERS!

/!\ SAMURAI JACK This Program is rated TV-14-V. Intense Violence.

The day of the season’s premiere, March 11th, 2017 A.D., too late found I that [as] was doing a streaming of Season 1-4 (I came in during EPISODE XXXIII’s “Wild Ride”). Following was a Q&A livestream with Genndy Tartakovsky, during which I tried again and again to call, but the line was always busy. Luckily Season 5′s premiere was going to be for free--online--via the stream at 10:40P! I was so there for it! Of course I watched the televised premiere on @adultswim, but the stream first!

While I began ceasing from trying to get Genndy on the PPGs again, all of a sudden...

...it began, and I was totally there for it.

A view of a distant town (not Townsville) appeared. All quiet.

That is until an explosion or 2 set off (and not with the stereotypical H-B/Universal “powah-wahh” explosion sounds either). There goes the giant windmill.

Partially and slowly revealed is that some aliens are on the run from the town...

...from those “beetle bots”. GIANT beetle bots, I might add.

There is this precious little moment where, being surrounded by the giant beetle bots, the mother and daughter visually--not by speech--exchange “I love you!” to each other with hearts in place of “love”. Oh, and there’s a baby too.

As the beetle bots come to a stop, the sound grows quiet. A motorcycle is heard approaching. When the motorcycle is revealed close-up, Tyler Bates’ bass-filled music is sparked: a warrior with a serious, menacing face is riding on these hot wheels...

...and he aims his machine gun out... only to launch a projectile at these familiar foes...

...resulting in the first explosion Jack caused in this glorious 5th season.

He slowly circles around with his gun. Is he a threat to the aliens?

Nope. Just pwning more evil scrap metal.

Once I heard the Looney Tunes-esq “pshhh...” of smoke from his guns, I became more certain that Joel Valentine was back on the show... unlike the PPG “reboot”.

As the Season 5 sneak revealed late in February 2017 shows, the warrior’s motorcycle is packed with punk tires that can scrap these pests up! All of his guns are just as lethal... with all of those cool action shots and poses and all.

The warrior then reveals another weapon: not a sword, exactly, but some manner of pitchfork on one tip and a taser on the other. Graphically, he destroys one beetle bot by twisting the wires inside, and proceeds to scrap the rest until one of them knocks... the mask off?

That warrior is none other than the samurai called...

“...?”

Just another day in the life of the samurai! Shouting a charging yell, Jack continues smashing the wires out of the beetle bots with a front scruff that fits perfectly with the mane... a look that is very appropriate, new and fitting for Jack.

The daughter gives a symbol of either “Is it dead?” or disgust. Because of the emoticons that are a major part of their visual language, I suppose that these aliens should be called... emoji-fawns?

“50 years have passed, but I do not age.”

As the samurai continues onward into the sunset, a new intro is revealed for Jack to explain how much worse things are become. The former intro started with Aku’s prologue before the theme song, but Season 5′s intro is pretty much a prologue. This feels true to the nature of of The Powerpuff Girls’ former intro which also started with a prologue, but PPG Season 7-9 has a shorter, different intro (although the extended version has an updated version of the prologue with most of its original Tom Kenny narration, “DJ Avalanche” score, and few of Joel’s SFX).

Regarding Jack’s opening statement, creator Genndy Tartakovsky said that 50 years were passed apparently between the events of EPISODE LII, “Jack and the Baby”, and EPISODE XCII. I think, however, that Jack meant that 50 year passed since he ended up in the future in EPISODE II, “The Samurai Called Jack”. There could be more seasons of this show to explore more adventures of Jack, regardless of the time that passed; if anything, turn those comic books into episodes!

Anyway, for some reason, the rip in time Aku created to send Jack into the future caused Jack’s body to supposedly not grow old, though I believe that, slowly, he still aged to a point. Aku’s still the bad guy (with a new voice, but I talk about this in XCIII’s post), and hope seems lost unless Jack can return to the past.

The intro ends with a slow reveal of the shows title, burning red in the dark, sporting an epic, exciting, modernly cinematic feel to the show. What follows, of course, is a scene just as cinematic...

A quiet, eerie chant of the name “Aku” subtly fills the dark, fire-lit room. This reveals the worship of a great evil which reminds us of how dangerous and powerful Aku truly is... given that “Jack vs. Aku” is the previous episode where Aku has a speaking role (you know... “EXTRA THICK!”), though he vocalizes in a following episode “Seasons of Death”.

The episode’s opening credits reveal that Bryan Andrews and Genndy Tartakovsky are the main board artists for this season, still directed by Tartakovsky himself with art direction by Scott Wills. Apparently, character design was very crucial to this season, so the main character designer of the season, Craig Kellman, is listed at the beginning on all of these episodes. This’s rare for cartoon shows, but this isn’t much different from old CN shows of the 1990′s like Dexter’s Laboratory crediting the model/character designers on the episode’s opening credits.

“They will succeed where so many others have failed, and we will find favor in your glory.”

Seven daughters?! Is that kind of physical labor even possible?! That explains all of Grey Delisle-Griffin’s screams, but she’s soon back on her feet... to raise her children to serve pure evil.

BTW, it’s a good thing that the baby vocals that Joel used are not the common Sound Ideas Series 6000 cries, since that recording is far more annoying. Anyway, I find the scene very intriguing and exciting because it’s all really dark, and that’s something that “kids” shows often weren’t in the past. It all just feels so epic that it sucks you in; am I right?

Back to Jack: the score revs up quickly in this montage of Jack riding around the country, wherever he is, as if he’s on some epic quest. Is he looking for a time portal or Aku’s place?

It’s Fall at this point and Jack’s in a pretty forest. The lighting is beautiful, cinematic and very realistic in this shot--one of my favorites from this episode. The paintings are still by art director Scott Wills; they’re just digital.

Such scenes as this are long periods of no dialogue, where music and sound can help to set the mood--sometimes, a very peaceful mood...

...until, slowly but surely, Jack’s mind is hauntingly messed up. This’s where Tyler Bates’ music hits on the slow, hardcore, eerie, electronic percussion that subtly drives the intense situation that’s not like what kid’s action shows used to be. This would be frightening to younger children, but the sheer terror of this scene is awesome, and the music is hardcore hot!

Some days later, we go to another sequence that occurs at night, where we focus first on a cute little owl hooting (and not the cliche, classic H-B/Valentino SFX Library owl hoot that many cartoons use, including past episodes of Samurai Jack). This goes to show just how realistic Joel’s sound design can be, and I admire him greatly for that attention to detail.

Jack endured another vision that night, where his father claims that he never came back, though Jack revealed that “Aku destroyed the way home!”

The way? How many time portals or such were there?

“He destroyed everything! Everything is burning!”

Woah. Was it something that Jack ate? It may be that that rat was under-cooked...

Anyway, every time Jack was haunted by the visions, a mysterious figure appeared afterward. Now Jack was motivated to find the village that he previously noticed was under attack. Time for a commercial break... and a breather for us fans of this nostalgic series!

As we return from commercial, we see the progression of the 7 daughters in training. They kind of remind me of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten’s students... but taller.

Training is tough on these little munchkins, though--but Ashi is distracted by a light that comes from the outdoors... to which her mother slowly objects. Her strength endures some real testing over time with her mother’s harsh treatment!

“Are you weak?!”

I mean... I felt like it was almost all over for Ashi at this point.

Luckily for her, “Aku’s fire stirs inside”. The art direction on the following scene is very interesting in terms of lighting: black, white and some red. It helps for the simply-detailed designs to stand out more. Since I saw very little of Sym-Bionic Titan at this point, Ashi’s hairstyle reminded me somewhat of Ilana (who has the same hairstyle and same voice actress, Tara Strong).

Meanwhile, Jack walked through the village to find whoever caused the destruction. He comes to a shady figure in the smoke, revealed to be a hot-shot assassin robot who goes by many names...

“Scaramouch the merciless! The Pied Piper of Ruination! The Crooner of Carnage! The Ambassador of Annihilation! The Eradicator of All, baby!”

The chipper, upbeat, overly positive attitude of “Aku’s most favorite assassin” made him instantly lovable. I loved this tin man from pretty much the very beginning. I immediately tweeted about this guy during the online premiere. I took a little while to know who voiced this guy (kind of sounded like Jimmy Gourd to me for some reason), but it was certainly familiar. Tom Kenny is the groovin’ voice of Scaramouche--another iconic voice from the man who narrated The Powerpuff Girls and voiced the Mayor of Townsville, Spongebob, Bon Bon the Birthday Clown and so many other great voices!

“Wait. Back off, beardsly. Where... is... your sword?”

You were probably wondering about that... so was I.

“You... lost... your sword!”

Well, the coloring on the handle of the sword is reversed in this shot, and it was just brown for the previous shot of the sword, but... yeah. Flashback to an episode that appeared not in Season 4. Destined to become an episode in the next season if CN makes any to explore the pre-Season 5 events.

Jack’s new pitchfork/taser thingy still makes the same “ching” sounds that his sword makes (and not the cliche Hollywood Edge recordings), though.

Anyway, Scaramouch was about to tell Aku the news (Aku apparently forgot about Scaramouch ‘cause he’s all like “Who is this?” First line since “Jack vs. Aku”!) when Jack and Scaramouch dance in a duel of musical magic.

“Ooh, nice choreography, baby!” Scaramouch replied. In a tweet I made of that line, I was thinking of cinematography instead and noted this to art director Scott Wills. I probably meant to note this to board artists Bryan Andrews & Genndy Tartakovsky.

Oh I just LOVE that “fffwwwhOOMP!” sound there on the ease-in. Joel Valentine packs the perfect punch into the sound of an object’s weight with those big whoosh sounds.

More important, perhaps: how can Scaramouch play the flute when he’s just a robot? He hasn’t any lungs or lips... that I know of... though he apparently has teeth and a tongue, and I can hear breath sounds during his lines... and his voice sounds not at all robotic!

Jack can really throw some real weight around as he battles against a monster made by music and of building parts...

“That samurai has gone beaucoup cuckoo!”

...but his haunting visions distract him from his heroic efforts...

...once again seemingly attributed to that shadowy figure. This is a “CinemaScope” ratio for this shot, while the show is in standard widescreen (1.78:1 “matted”/”flat”). Those ratios can change a lot, kind of like IMAX (in movies in IMAX, one often sees certain shots of a 2.39:1 movie turning into 1.78:1 on a large screen, and the ratio goes back and forth). Still, ultimately the show is not in “letterbox” widescreen / “scope” format, like most Cartoon Network DVDs say; perhaps Warner Bros. Home Entertainment says this because Star Wars: The Clone Wars (the Dave Filoni series, only produced for Turner networks) was in 2.39:1; this caught on to some [as] shows like Genndy Tartakovsky’s Primal and Tigtone (the logos are 1.78:1, however), but most CN shows are just in 1.78:1.

Anyway, knocked out of his mentally overwhelmed state, Jack was back into the fight, but, even though he sliced the flute in half, Scaramouch was the real “musical magic”. He just goes all “Scatman John” on Jack and can control wherever his sword goes, striking it right at Jack!

This is definitely one of my favorite shots from the episode... a slow-mo shot.

Jack seems to be fighting the sword itself until he comes closer to Scaramouch, who soon pulls another cold blade out...

“Dig that beautiful sound, baby!”

...a split blade whose very tone of ring when clashed against an object can cause the clashed object to explode!

Luckily, Jack has good aim for his sword... so good, that it just blows Scaramouch away.

“Looks like you’re the headliner now; huh?”

Was...

...is...

...and always will be.

Before the end of the episode, we see the last of the 7 daughters’ training. The music here just rocks. Its long, harsh percussion and bass-blowing beats really drive all of the action in this sequence.

This shot has great animation and angles, where Ashi shows an opponent who’s boss as she grabs the 3rd arrow shot and kills her with it.

For more sensitive viewers, first note that this and the following shot are violent/bloody enough to earn the episode its “TV-14-V” rating “for some intense violence” (I’d think that “TV-PG-V” might fit it, since it’s not as strong as it could be). However, CN aired some “TV-14-V” rated movies on their “Action Flicks” block back in early 2009 (i.e. Batman: Gotham Night). That’s right: CN, not [adult swim]! Since, like, 2007 or 2008, they aired a lot of TV-PG rated cartoons like Teletoon’s edgy Total Drama franchise, Regular Show, MAD, Teen Titans Go!, and even The Tom and Jerry Show (though that one seems overrated). I can understand why they often rated certain programs TV-PG-V: even a kick or punch could be a bad influence if a kid was prone to imitating action (The G-rated Garfield’s Pet Force strangely earned this rating too). The point is that CN needs to air Samurai Jack Season 5 on, even if some of the episodes are bloody (only few deserve the TV-14-V rating IMHO). They might be able to cut EPISODE XCII down to a TV-Y7-FV, perhaps.

It’s nice to see that Darrick Bachman from Paul Rudish’s Mickey Mouse still served on this lovely season. He’s the head writer for the 5th season... and the upcoming video game Samurai Jack: Battle Through Time.

As a devote fan of “Cartoon Cartoons”, I personally point the sheet timers out since CN’s traditionally animated shows have lesser animation these days, namely SMIP-animated shows. I mean, that Robert Alvarez and Randy Myers did the “Sheet Timing” on this episode of Samurai Jack (animated by Digital eMation) and animation direction on Seasons 7-9 of The Powerpuff Girls (the “reboot” episodes, animated by SMIP). Compare the action sequences of both shows, and the animation/timing will stand out; unlike Samurai Jack, the 2016-2019 PPG episodes (like SMIP’s work on Infinity Train & Ben 10) usually lack weight in their rather gentle, slow-paced animation. Those PPG episodes animate not at all like The Powerpuff Girls Movie or any PPG episode where Genndy Tartakovsky directed.

Here’re some of the new people on Genndy’s team for Season 5: Susy Campos, Andy Flexner, Jackie Sheng and Dick Grunert. Production Assistants (or, in this case, maybe production coordinators) can turn into major creatives for the story or art of the show, so watch for those names in future CN Studios projects! Team Cartoon Network Studios rules!

This season’s prop design is in the hands of @heydusty, who also contributed effects design and some character design / design clean-up. Dustin D’Arnault and others are new talent that live up to the work of Genndy Tartakovsky! The late and great Chris Reccardi returned, starting off with some prop designs as well. The design clean-up artists were also new to the team; these people clean the character, props and effects designs up after the respective designers did their designs, so they’re just as much designers as the designers listed. These “Clean Up” people are not to be confused for animation clean-up, however.

Next up are the background artists: “Layout Keys”/background designer Lou Romano (The Powerpuff Girls, Cats Don’t Dance, Ratatouille) and art director/Background Painter Scott Wills (The Ren & Stimpy Show, Quest for Camelot) bring the beautiful, colorful locations to life. Leticia Lacy, a former Spümcø member like Wills and Reccardi (and many other Cartoon Network Studios creatives), returned as a color stylist, who chooses the specific colors for the character, props and effects designed.

The voice credits are a bit lacking, since lesser characters are only listed as “ADDITIONAL VOICES”, compared to Seasons 1-4. This happened on Seasons 7-9 of The Powerpuff Girls too; i.e. Ms. Keane play supportive or minor roles in an episode, but Jennifer Hale is just credited as “ADDITIONAL VOICES”, though Keane is an important character to that series. Tara Strong is uncredited for voicing young Ashi since she only vocalizes--no lines. Greg Baldwin is in place of Mako as Mako passed away years before Season 5′s dialogue was recorded. Ultimately, though, Jack and his parents are still their respective voices, and it certainly is Phil LaMarr’s best.

Unlike Seasons 1-4, Genndy Tartakovsky himself served as the voice director; previously Colette Sunderman handled the voice direction. Aku may no longer be voiced by Mako, but Genndy was able to direct Greg Baldwin’s “Aku” voice himself. Robert Serda still served for engineering the dialogue recording equipment at CN Studios.

The score composers score with their super awesome hardcore score. Tyler Bates composed music for Genndy’s Sym-Bionic Titan (I can’t believe that I never watched that show when it aired). Joanne Higginbottom co-composes with Tyler on Primal. Dieter Hartman also contributed score on Samurai Jack Season 5. For this episode, no score mixer is listed. Music Editors are uncredited in this season.

The animation company on most episodes of Season 5 is Digital eMation, which looks much smoother than the designs in the digital animation of Rough Draft Studios (lines looks slightly blobby on close-ups). The animation directors credited on the series are generally the overseas animation directors; in Season 5 they’re listed on the end credits since they relate to the animation studio.

Regarding post-production, I was very happy to see Joel Valentine credited for “Sound Editing” (He used to prefer being credited by the name of his company “TWENTY FIRST CENTURY ENTERTAINMENT, INC.” AKA 21st CENTURY SOUND DESIGN CORP.). I was afraid that it would be like Dexter’s Laboratory Seasons 3-4 (or 5-6) and The Powerpuff Girls Seasons 7-9, where mixing studio Hacienda Post/Sabre Media would do the sound design, but luckily Joel was on it. This time, former Supervising Re-Recording Mixer Timothy J. Borquez, CAS is just a Re-Recording Mixer with Alex Borquez (former Hacienda mixer Eric Freeman moved to mixing and editing sound at Disney Television Animation in 2014); both Tim & Alex were Supervising Sound Editors and mixers on PPG’s reboot era. Also credited for the final mix is Taylor Pierce, then a Mix Assistant. Currently, Genndy’s shows credit Hacienda Post’s facility, Sabre Media Studios, Inc., as the “Audio Mixing Facility”, rather than referring to Hacienda/Sabre as Post-Production Sound Services (Joel Valentine/21st Century Entertainment is just as much a sound service, NOT just editing!). I’m not sure if any other editors are involved at Sabre/Hacienda, but someone was recording and performing foley for this show, and, due to time, they get no credit, which is a crime in my opinion since that brings the show to aural life. Paul Douglas remains as the Supervising Editor and Jim Hearn as the Dialogue Editor for CN.

The Cartoon Network Studios logo for this season was visually simple, as it was just the face reveal scene show inside the logo (CN tends to use episode clips more often than animatics these days). Joel Valentine fit the sound effects to this well, though, with the sounds of a sword (not the ones Joel tends to use) and an anime-like accent. As for the “reboot” PPG episodes, they just did something weird... (couldn’t they show, like, the Hanna-Barbera swirling star inside the CN Studios logo instead?! at least for nostalgia?)

The Williams Street logo ([adult swim]’s production company), complete with the Mark VII jingle, follows since it was produced for that often junky block of CN...

...but, on the digital copy prints, the 2016 Cartoon Network ID follows! Nostalgically, though, I prefer the 1999 “Cartoon Cartoons” ripple ID, which Samurai Jack and even PPG Seasons 7-8 used to show. I mind the 2016 ID on the PPG “reboot” episodes, but I mind it not on Samurai Jack because it proves that, while considered “Adult Swim”, the amazing Season 5 still remains a part of the “new new new new” era of Cartoon Network.

Any viewer of Samurai Jack could start with this episode as Jack’s adventures are just beetle bots here and Scaramouch there, occurring over few days. The other side of the episode, the youth of Ashi, occurs over probably years; this only sets the main events of Season 5 into action with the next episode.

As for me, I did all that I could with the streaming marathon of EPISODE XCII. It went on from, like, 10:48P or something until, like, 7:30A that morning. I couldn’t help but observe the episode again and again and again... I binged on it. I update the credits on IMDb. I tweet much about this episode and its team. By the end of over 8 hours of the episode’s stream, I felt that this was an appropriate response:

Before the end of this post, here’re reasons why EPISODE XCII is one of the best Samurai Jack episodes ever:

This “Cartoon Cartoon” returned after 12 years, 14 months and 5 days. According to Genndy’s forward on the Season 4 DVD, “The big question as we neared the end of production was, ‘Should we end the story and send Jack home?’ At the time, I felt that the proper way to end it would be to do a full-length movie - and still do. Hopefully, that movie is somewhere in the near future...” CN Asia-Pacific did this “Sayonara Samurai Jack” marathon for Season 4, but they were hasty, since the return came a dozen of years later, and Season 4 wasn’t the true end of the story. I feel the same about Disney Channel calling Star vs. the Forces of Evil Season 4′s finale “Cleaved!” the “series finale”, and both Daron Nefcy and fans look forward to more episodes in the future.

The nostalgic design and animation of Genndy’s Cartoon Network Studios team was something that the then-current Powerpuff Girls episodes were certainly lacking.

The action is just as intense and detailed as ever, with the right amount and style of music too. Perhaps even more wicked than before, though I miss “DJ Avalanche” James L. Venable, who wasn’t on it because he was busy with Clarence. Paul Rudish wasn’t on this season either, probably due to his hilarious vision of Mickey Mouse of course. Still, the stakes are high and handled well.

The precious moments of our little emoji-fawn family and the haunting fears of Samurai Jack are draaamaaa

The wonderful Scaramouch is our comic relief for the episode. Thanks, Tom Kenny!

“WATCH OUT!” There’s that classic closing to most of the episodes, just like we remembered it. The credits look just as simple as they looked before, too.

Next Episode’s Review

Tweet version here.

Tweet version as a shoutout to Tom Kenny & Greg Baldwin here.

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notesfromthepen · 5 years ago

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The Chronicles of the king of Richmond

I came across some shit today that I had to share. Something too funny, dark, and ridiculous to keep to myself. But I had to figure out a way to first, get my hands on the material, and then how to give the context needed for it to be fully appreciated.

First I should start with the characters involved. We are a trio. Me, Joe, and the 'king'. I'll refer to him as the 'king' (with a lowercase 'k') because he wanted to remain anonymous, for several reasons, that should become clear later.

Joe is, by far, my best friend in here and we've been pretty much inseparable for years now, (we were bunkies twice at another facility). Some of you may have read previous posts about him. We are very different people, which is often the case with really good friends. But there is no doubt that our bond is, almost entirely, built on our shared sense of humor. A sarcastic, brutally honest, self deprecating, anything for a laugh, sense of humor.

A sense of humor developed since childhood surrounded by witty, smart-assed, assholish mentors and peers. It can be a harsh environment to grow up in, but there is a purity to be found there. An accountability and brutal honesty that is humbling and real. There are no aires allowed to survive amongst friends with no fear of giving offense. No bullshit is left uncalled, no lies left un-confronted, and no opinions restrained. Nothing is sacred and everything is mined for a laugh.

Basically we talk a lot of shit.

Nothing bonds me to another person more instantly than a similar sense of humor. Since coming to this new prison Joe and I have found a fellow, flawed, degenerate asshole, willing to laugh at himself and judge others for the sake humor.

This, is the so called 'king of Richmond.' His majesty is a large guy, about 6'1 and 240 lbs. of slightly chubby, bearded, man beef. He's well kept and neat in appearance (aside from his portly build). He's got some charisma and charm at his disposal and makes decent use of it when needed.

The king, however, has a glaring flaw, as do most of us. He's a raging addict, whose life is lived for, and run by, an incessant need for opiates. This adds an interesting but constantly problematic dimension to his life behind bars. The perpetual need to produce the money for his lifestyle is a constant story line. Most of his fundraising is done over the phone. Preferably through manipulation, but he's not above blatant begging from people in the free-world. Family members, friends, exes, and a sugar momma round out his fundraising Rolodex.

A few days ago, Joe borrowed his Majesty's tablet to listen to his music, and being the stand up friends we are, we wasted no time before invading his privacy. We opened his 'sent email' files and struck gold. Dark, hilarious, sad, revealing gold. What we found was email after email of mental and emotional manipulation in a quest to fund his lifestyle. That's the sad part. The hilarious part is witnessing the level of shameless groveling, damage control, and clumsy begging, our friend is willing to stoop to.

After an intervention filled with embarrassment, ridicule, and some tear inducing laughs from all parties, I gained the 'kings' permission to post some of the gems.

But first a disclaimer: If any form of self-respect or sense of shame is something you're expecting, then prepare yourself, because you will find neither in these emails. Also, I wanted to maintain the "purity" of the emails as they were originally written, so I left the misspellings and incorrect grammar. However, for the sake of read-ability, I added some commas and periods here and there. Other than that they are all original text, with the exception of my commentary, which will be in [brackets].

So without further adieu, I now present to you: The Chronicles Of The king Of Richmond.

Sugar Momma

The following correspondence was sent to the kings sugar momma. As her title would imply she is his main source of income. His "Go-To". She works at McDonalds and has had the unfortunate luck to be in "love" with the king for roughly a year now. This letter is the most recent and well into the travesty that is their "relationship". This email is more focused on making excuses for begging than actual begging, but stay tuned they get worse.

His words are in "quotes" and my commentary is in [brackets]. Some are comments and some are translations of his bullshit, what he really means.

KOR 11/24 “listen, I wasn't insinuating you were fat, and honestly I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. [he definitely was] I was giving you an example of how you could save a few bucks, so maybe out of the kindness of your heart [or from my incessant guilt laden begging] you could send me a few. Belive it or not, its rough in here, and sometimes I need money to survive in here. [Let's make one thing clear: The constant stress of his habit and the debts he accrues makes his time infinitely more difficult than it needs to be. So more money isn't the solution. It’s the problem.] That's what I was saying. I've been down for 5yrs Jenn and pretty much aint had much help, except from a few. [Just a little context. I get 50$ a month. This jackass spends 300$ a week]. We were together a long time. we broke up when I was in here, so yeah its a little different than if you were just some ex. I shouldn't exspect [too bad they don't give out money for misspelled words] it, but I would hope”.

“I guess I wasn't who I thought I was to you. [what a word-smith]. I might have put you through a lot of shit, but you sought me out. Remember that. You knew who I was. [Yeah, so you deserve everything I put you through.] Everyone did. I was the king of that town [AND THERE IT IS! The self proclaimed king of Richmond...Oh I can't tell you how embarrassed for him, angered at him, and ashamed to call him my friend I was when I read this!] not to try and sound conceited but I was, [OK. You can't say you’re not being conceited and then double down on your brag. BTW Richmond has a population smaller than most elementary schools. So it was a small 'kingdom' to say the least] and now no one has my back. it sucks, out of everyone, I hoped that you would have, but no!! [I hope he had a neck brace on when he wrote this. This guy can go from bragging to groveling so fast that it causes whiplash]. When we broke up I wanted you to be happy and get married and do what ever. [He ran out of ideas! That's his limit of things he could conjure up that would make her happy: 2] I just wanted you to still be there for me [AKA: support my habit] and if roles were reversed Jenn, you would have 50 every month and my family would probaly even send you money and that's the proven truth. [From probably to proven truth in half a sentence?] And you know it, so that shit hurts me, let's just remember who's the one locked up!! I'm the old me again [king?] and I'll remember all my real friends, that were there for me, when I get out in 3 in a half years.[Yeah but will they remember you?] Not long at all. And the thing with frank, [Oh yes! Thankgod he's back on the whole Frank thing! I wish I knew his address I'd send him a bottle of whisky!] belive me, I heard stories, a few. [Yeah and they haunt his dreams] but regardless, I love you, just wish you were kinder to me. ...The king”

[That's his cleanup? Someone get him a neck brace]

KOR 12/6 [Damage control] “baby, funny you say sober honestly, but no i totally understand. im sorry if it feels like sometimes I take you for granted.[by sometimes he means 'all the time'] let me try to explain [please do], in here if you don't get in a constant routine and try to make things repetitive, the time will do you, not you do the time. [A vague prison saying he heard someone say in here once and thought it sounded cool] if that makes sense [it doesn't.], its not my intentions to make it carry over into our relationship [but if it does I'm willing to live with it] I'm sorry [that I have to do this song and dance to get money]. and I fully intend to check myself and let you know how special you truly are to me [and by 'check myself' I mean I'll continue doing the exact same amount of drugs, if not more. and I'll show you how special you are by kindly taking your minimum wage paycheck]. The money you send me is for me to live comfortably in here [get high], that means getting things done that I need to get done while I'm here [I mean, these drugs aren't gonna do themselves.] and 90%, is the food and shit i need to survive [but mostly drugs]. We are already at a disadvantage because I only get 75% of what you send, which sucks [it would be much more efficient if I could put 100% of what you send me up my nose]. And they rip us off on prices on the food as it is. So I'm sorry, but i want you to fully understand you are my baby girl [creepy] and when i get out, roles will reverse and I'll be the provider and you'll live real comfortable [said with his fingers crossed], except when I come home every night and blow that back out bitch!!!! [and theres that winning charm I mentioned! what a smooth operator] I love you. [He doesn't] I got to go to the doctor at 9:30 [Ironically its 'his' back that's blown out] so I'll call you after count [to beg for more $]. I love you [again he doesn't]. if that eases your mind [It shouldn't] I love you!!! [and one final lie to cap off this masterpiece.]

Ex-Girlfriend

These next three are to his ex-girlfriend. She's somewhere down the list of reliable donors, but desperate times call for desperate measures and being a dope fiend in prison means, constant desperate times.

KOR 11/23 "So happy thanksgiving! [Now that the pleasantries are out of the way] So I havnt had any money lately, so no stamps but I just got some anyways [2nd sentence in and already caught in a lie. Clearly if he sent this, he has stamps]. Yeah I heard all about you and Carol's argument, and Dan and Josh messaging, and you jumping in on their message, and Dan cutting into you about being a shitty ex (/friend) [OK, I have to translate. First of all, this email seems to be sponsored by unnecessary commas. I guess some people were attacking her on Facebook for not sending the 'king' an adequate amount of money] Most I agree with. [Especially the money part] You havnt been there for me Jennifer [how dare you!]. I belive you have kinda done me wrong [how do you sleep at night?] and other people believe that too [so there!]. Im not saying your wrong for living your life [but you are] and going and being with someone new [because there's no way he's cooler than me]. but you can look out for the man [I use the term man loosely] that looked out for you since you were just a baby! [???? what???? creepy! actually I need to go ask him about this one.. OK he said he meant when she was 18] When I have asked for money in the past, you deny me [who the fuck do you think you are an ex?]. Hell, I'm broke right now [and that's your responsibility]. I can't get money. [But regardless I incessantly ask for it? Blatant lie no.2] uncle only sends me 50 a month and that ain't shit, that's hygiene a month. [Who calls their uncle uncle and not my uncle? What is he an orphan from the 1800's?] You don't keep money on the phone Jenn. I don't care who your new man is [again, not cooler than me], if you truly love me, you can talk to me. And 50 dollars, every couple of months ain't shit Jenn [trust me its nothing! I blow through it in no time]. So I and everyone else just think your wrong for that [OK, now he's literally speaking for everyone. Which is strange because I don't remember giving him my opinion on how much money his ex should be spending on his habit]. I will always have love for you. I just wish you would treat me with the respect I deserve [but have in no way earned]. I've been down 5 yrs and havnt got no more than 100 dollars from you. i basicaly took the rap and I get no respect. [Now he's doing his Rodney Dangerfield impression? what's next, Dr Vinnie Boombatz? (look it up)] That's fucked up!!!!! well I thought, since I finally got some stamps I can finally reply. I wish you would start respecting me as someone you love!!!

'The King of Richmond' (The realest you've ever known!)” [That last part is 100% real. I almost died laughing when I read this! The realest? No comment I can muster will be adequate at dealing with the ridiculousness of this sign off. What a heavy handed attempt to sound like a cool guy. Remember, this is to an ex-girlfriend! No way does playing the cool guy ever work on an ex. She's been in the bathroom after you. She's smelled your shit. Also remember that the whole point of this email is to beg for money! Oh I'm so glad I'm friends with this silly degenerate!]

KOR 11/24 “what? really I thought we just made it through everything; [Im going to say we and then make you feel bad for a bunch of shit you needed] your rent to your sister, the presents for the babies, your phone you needed [you know, the trivial shit]. I thought we got through it baby? [You mean to tell me the babies got my drug money?] I owe a 100$ and I don't even got a noodle right now. Thank god for you, because my brother doesn't give a fuck if I rot in here [because be knows the real me] and everyone else apparently don't care. [Possibly the most poorly crafted sentence in the history of writing, and now down to business] We can do 100 and then 50. [Tell the babies and your sister to fuck off! I have needs.] So I can eat off the 35 from the 50 for the rest of this month [hope I confused her with all the numbers and poor grammar] cause the only thing I have is 2 soaps [just to be sure, one more number]. so work with me on this and I will make that last to the first OK! [In no world, was he able to make it last until the 1st]

[And now back to the unwarranted guilt trip:] I thought you were done with all the present buying and rent.You even had a b-day!! [So there's really no excuse for not feeding my addiction. What are you selfish? Use your b-day money!] Which I think you needed to let loose a little anyways. [You really earned it, putting up with my begging and whatnot] I love you babe. I'll call you after count were supposed to have a blizzard today F U N!!!!!” [Bringing it all together with a little sarcastic humor? NICE!]

KOR 12/5 "Really Jenn? Don't think you can shame me for [well, anything but specifically] expecting a little money every once in a while” [you should know by now that shame is not a factor!] "Its not hard to skip going out to eat or buying that extra shirt, [extra shirt?Clearly he could only think of one good example to save money.] to throw me a little extra dough. [yeah, just go hungry and topless] I didn't bring Josh or Dan into this. [This whole exchange is about his friends and sugar mamma shaming Jenn for not sending home enough money] They did that on their own. They told me the conversation they had with you. I just agreed. I also didn't tell Carol to do that. She did that after her and Josh had a conversation about what had happened. Another thing is Jenn, don't kid yourself, I blew through a 35,000 dollar [insurance] check taking care of us, making sure we had a good time and 2 to 3 thousand every month up until i did that year in county (jail) [Yeah, I was a great provider until I got arrested! And by provider I mean cashing an insurance check]. So don't cry to me about a couple hundo [that's right, he's too cool to say hundred] and your fucking Ford Contour. I think your being rude, and you tried your damnest to fuck frank. [OK this is where it goes off the rails. He couldn't wait to mention the whole frank thing so he just shoehorned it in the conversation] I heard. [I'm confused, was she successful in her 'dam nest' attempt to fuck ole Frank?] That's funny [is it?], not that I care [well, I'm convinced. Nothing screams 'I care and it hurts so much' like saying I 'don't care'], cause I do have a good girl (a ride or die bitch I wish I always had) who does take care of me and keeps money on the phone and keeps me in touch with everyone [but only when I beg and grovel]. I'm in prison still pulling bitches [WOW!!! first of all he's definitely not and more importantly that's the most pathetic attempt at intended jealousy]. my point really isn't to brag, that's not what im trying to do. [It is] I'm just saying, its possible to still have a life and support someone in prison. even a little. you have just made NO effort at all and that piss people off and me. cause McDonald's checks weren't supporting our sort of lifestyle sweetie!!!!!! so I guess I wish you would change, but I doubt it. Anyways, happy to hear your grand ma is doing good. and next time you write, attach a stamp.” [OK, he's always good for a ridiculous ending but this one takes the cake. Let's examine: He spends 90% of this letter guilt tripping, berating, talking shit to, and begging for money. Then, literally in the 2nd to last sentence, he mentions her sick grandma's recovery? I have ask him how he carries around such big balls without a limp! And if you're still naive enough to think that he's done, you clearly don't know the ‘king’.]

[Our royal highness still has enough balls, and not enough shame, to ask this poor girl to attach a return stamp so she can continue this charming and fulfilling correspondence with her incarcerated ex-boyfriend. And now its clear how he became the king of Richmond: By sheer clumsy manipulation, a ruthless disregard for self respect, the freedom of movement that a spineless body provides and a fortitude willing to stoop to any low to accomplish his goal to get inebriated. The same way presidents get elected in this country. At any cost he would take the crown and he did. Without ever being to Richmond, I can say this with confidence: Anyone who would make him king and pay tribute to his court, truly deserves his rule. What a spectacular asshole the king is and I count him as a flawed degenerate of the worst degree. But I also count him as a friend…]

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goatyellsateverything · 6 years ago

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Final Thoughts: Ouija (and sequel)

These were good. These were very good. I’m even wanting to add these to my own collection, I liked them so much. I dont go looking for specific movies to buy when I buy horror, usually. The only ones I specifically sought out to get were the original IT, the remake IT, and Krampus. I’ve got a bunch of others but they were all just picked up randomly at pawn shops and dollar stores.

Typically, for me, most horror movies are just one watch and done. Even ones I like, I dont often want to watch them again. I think its because the scares aren’t usually interesting anymore. I’ve seen it so whats the point? Usually, it takes really good effects, unique and interesting writing, or its just a cult-y cheese fest thats fun to dive into from time to time.

The Ouija movies fall into the first two points.

The effects were great. They had this really great effect of white smoke taking over the eyes that was just beautiful. The lip sewing was really realistic looking. It wasn’t massively gory, but it was realistic enough to make me physically cringe whenever they showed it.

The writing was great. They use the fake out several times flawlessly and even use it to foreshadow events later. The twist in the first movie was great. It seems to be more and more rare these days in horror media that if there is a mother or father figure ghost they aren’t the evil one and are just trying to keep their child from killing indiscriminately. Its a fairly common thread in “true” haunting stories, but its becoming less and less common in media unless its based on a “true” haunting story. I dont know. I just really like the misdirection in movies. At least when its done well.

I dont want to just gush about these movies as if there is no criticism to be had.

Because, boy, have I got quite a bit of criticism for them.

These movies suffer from what I call the Annabelle syndrome. They made a good movie with a vague notion of what happened before but nothing concrete, then the movie becomes a hit and they decide to do a prequel sequel BUT the original writer and director aren’t involved in the second movie. Because the original writer and director aren’t involved, some key details are missing or retconed.

Spoilers, btw, like all my final thoughts tend to be.

The first movie brings up news stories that laid out a pretty clear timeline. Daughter goes missing for a period of time, enough for an investigation to happen, and enough time for people to begin speculating the mother had something to do with it. Then, after some time, the older daughter kills the mother during a supposed mental breakdown and she confirms the accusations that her mother killed her sister. Fast forward to the movie when older sister tells the protagonist to find her sisters body and cut the threads on her mouth. Protagonist and friends find the sisters body, laid out on an alter, covered in a sheath, with what I think is amethyst on her eyes. Its an extremely significant detail when you learn that amethyst is used to sooth negative energies like anger, hatred, guilt, sorrow, and pain. It encourages acceptance of lost ones and helps the living heal, move on, and let the dead rest.

In my mind I’m thinking, little sister will be overwhelmed by the evil spirits and the mother will be forced to kill her own daughter in order to trap the evil spirits. She’d use amethyst to try and sooth her daughter’s spirit that was overwhelmed by the evil she allowed into their home through the board. Then, some time later, the older sister is taken over by the evil spirit and she kills her mother. She comes to and due to the grief over her sisters death, the guilt of killing her own mother, and the overwhelming evil spirit riding her like a sports car her mind breaks. But the spirit isn’t totally gone from her and it continues to torment her because it wants its original host back, so when protagonist comes to her, the demon tells her it will leave her if she lets it back in its original host.

Thats not exactly what we got.

The backstory of the house and the evil inside are elaborated on and its actually really interesting. Through some pages written by Doris (the younger sister) while she was possessed. They were written by a Polish immigrant named Michel who came to the US after WW2. He’d been held in one of the Nazi camps, I’m betting Auschwitz, and was experimented on by “the devils doctor.” He ended up on the streets in the US and was eventually put into a mental institute. While there, he recognized the doctor from the camp and the doctor knew he’d been recognized; so he takes Michel from the hospital to his home where he’d continued his work in secret. Michel says dozens of others were in the house and tortured by the doctor. Their tongues were cut out, their vocal chords were severed, and their lips were sewed shut just so they couldn’t make noise when people were in the house upstairs. “Doris” eventually reveals that the spirits were still inside the house (because their bodies were still there, thus they played the “game” in a graveyard) and they were now controlling her body.

Great. Ok. So mom put the amethyst on Doris’ eyes to sooth the other spirits in her body after being forced to kill her. Right?

NOPE.

Lina, the older sister, is the one who sewed up her sisters mouth. Her dad (whos dead) told her to do it through some ghost mumbo jumbo. Mom (who had been chained to the stone table the doctor had used) wakes up after the fact and finds her little girl, well, dead with sewn up lips. Lina tells her she had to, to stop the voices. She comes up, seemingly to comfort her mother, only to stab her and reveals her clouded eyes that showed she’d become the spirits new host.

From there, my original theory was pretty correct. She ends up in the mental institution and her “sister” (the spirits) is still with her.

But the timeline laid out by the newspapers in the first movie no longer exists and all the fan fair around Doris’ body is never explained. We just go straight from Lina sewing her sisters mouth shut to Lina stabbing her mother to Lina in the institution. Who covered her with the burial shroud? Who put the amethyst on her eyes? Who boarded up the doctors old room? Who took all their mothers fake psychic stuff and put it in that room? Who REMOVED all of the doctors tools (because they aren’t there in the first movie)?

If you dwell on these inconsistencies it can sour the ending of the second movie if you allow it to BUT I think the good of these movies outweigh the bad.

The lack of answers IS a big negative but I think the story overall, the characters, the acting, the effects, and the atmosphere outweighs the retcons introduced in the second movie.

I really enjoyed these movies and I highly recommend them.

#goat yells at horror movies #Ouija #Ouija: Origin of Evil

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sassyhottubstrawberry-blog · 7 years ago

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Beware this Scam on Car Insurance.!!?

"Beware this Scam on Car Insurance.!!?

A friend of mine was telling me about how his son was Scammed by a fake online Insurance Company. They are advertising car Insurance 50% cheaper, which of course is attracting young drivers. He paid 620 by his visa card for full cover, and was sent His Insurance documents. However, he was stoppd by the Police late at night for a Routine check, a few Months later, as It had come up on the NPR that he was driving without Insurance cover. He showed the Police his Documents and he was told that this company does not exist, and he is the 20th driver they have stopped and found that they have fake documents. However, the police did not press charges in this instance, but told him they have been trying to track these scammers for a whilr, but all they know is they are operating from Nigeria, and Latvia, but keep moving around. They advised the Lad in future to use a well known Insurance company or visit a good insurere in person to get Insurance. So God knows how many other drivers are on the road with useless Insurance cover.

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""Obamacare supporters, question for you.?""

Actually a few questions. Which magic money fairy will appear to bestow money upon those who couldn't afford insurance before the mandate to allow them to afford it after the mandate? The Obama administration has already granted enough exemptions that the whole concept is pretty well doomed. Is there another magic money fairy that will appear and make up for all the exemptions they've already given? If your old enough to remember when your state made auto insurance mandatory how many fold did your auto insurance go up in the next five years. Mine went up %350 after insurance became mandatory. In light of this how would you not expect health insurance costs to do the same. Hasn't Obama essentially created a monopoly and forced American citizens to throw their money at health insurance. Given that half or more of the cost of seeing a doc IS insurance itself. Wouldn't LESS insurance be the answer not more insurance? You go to a clinic that accepts no form of insurance and you are paying only slightly more than folks pay in co-pay. Then your done. The insured usually gets a bill for at least part of the visit that's not covered and on top of that they have their premium deducted. For most people insurance is a losing proposition. Insurance companies being for profit institutions will go out of business if they don't make a profit. As such mandatory health insurance means you will certainly pay more for health care than if you pay out of pocket. The discounts given to insurance companies do not make up for the overhead costs that insurance companies force providers to go through. Nor do they make up for the no pays and slow pays so common from insurance companies. As such one sure way to raise the cost of health care in the US is to require insurance. If you got more out of it than you put in the insurance companies would go broke. Insurance companies regularly restrict activities and or penalize people for engaging in what they consider high risk activities. Athletes are especially restricted. Having a monopoly why would they not do the same for everyone? Snowboarders, Smokers, bungee jumping, riding a motorcycle all dangerous activities already prohibited by many insurance policies. How do you propose to prevent insurance companies from becoming lawmakers using collusion which they openly engage in already to prohibit activities? Before Obamacare if you didn't like it you just did without insurance. Insurance companies have had to be conservative with what they mandate and prohibit because of that choice. With that choice gone now what? Insurance companies have regularly engaged in activities to the detriment of a patients welfare in the past. HMOs especially forced Docs not only to give patients substandard but cheaper care they have gone as far as prohibiting doctors from letting you know that you cannot receive the normal standard of care because of restrictions by your insurance. The unprecedented power handed insurance execs by Obamacare will clearly change how medicine is practiced in the US and that doesn't worry you? If everybody has insurance then insurance companies will dictate to Docs what they can and cannot do as they do if Docs participate in HMO and even some PPO programs. The idea that we MUST purchase a product, doesn't that bother you? Today it's health insurance. Tomorrow maybe it's socks. How can the Gov FORCE you to buy anything? Don't hand me the auto insurance scam. Mandatory auto insurance hasn't significantly reduced accidents, hasn't reduced losses to uninsured drivers. It has made insurance far more expensive for all. It does violate a basic principle of individual sovereignty that is supposed to be a key component of any free society. What will they make us buy next? In 20 years will gov mandated expenses consume the entire budget of the average American? How do you stop such a beast once it starts rolling? Millions of Americans will lose everything they have because of Obamacare. They will make just a little too much to be exempted or the time/effort to get an exemption will be impossible given their work schedule or they will have a valid exemption or be rejected for invalid reasons and unfairly prosecuted. Sure they might eventually get it straitened out but not before it gets them tossed in jail. Literally millions will be left homeless by this law in the first 5 years. Doesn't that bother you?""

Why do we have to pay car insurance for other people's cars?

As I understand it, the car insurance we pay is to fix other cars and their drivers in case we hit them. I don't understand why the law requires that we must pay for others' protection. Why shouldn't everybody pay for his own protection? If car insurance is required for everyone, then it would make no difference anyway, and I think, it would make people more motivated to get insurance. For example, if I pay $150/mo for car insurance, and if someone hits me who has no insurance and no money, then my car will look terribly even though I kept the law. This doesn't sound fair to me. If someone hits me, then their insurance should cover their damages and my insurance should pay for my damages. Why should I suffer a loss because they didn't keep the law?""

Car insurance?..........?

Who gives the cheapest car insurance?!

Insurance on a streetbike?

so i live in southern california 19 years old 3 years car driving experience 0 licensed with a motorcycle valid motorcycle permit 3 accidents on my record 2 including totaling cars... i was wondering if any1 happens ot have close oto the same things and know what i should expect iwth MINIMUM insurance no comp or collision or anything just basic liability.. but i do want max medical payments

Beware this Scam on Car Insurance.!!?

Looking for general business liability insurance for a new corporation.?

Company manufactures and wholesales and retails a baby/child gear accessory item. Thank you.

Auto insurance for a 16 year old female?

*im adding some details i forgot to add last time, sorry for the question repost I was trying to do the online quote thing but i cant because its asks for a phone in order to generate the rates , and im most certainly not about to give them my phone number. No way jose.thats why im asking. -Im a 16 year old female -Dont have a license (yet) -im single -I would be driving a 2001 kia... i think sephia? Idk but it looks like a very basic car. -I have good grades -i have never gotten tickets or DUIS -I live arizona -I would only be driving to school which is approx. Seven minutes away fron where i live -I would only also be driving to work which is about 15 min away -I work part time So do any of u have an estimate??? Also please dont comment something irrelevant or pointless""

Car got broken into... How much will insurance cover?

So my buddy calls me in the morning of the last day of school (I decided not to go and sleep in). He needs to borrow my jumper cables for my friend. He comes over, and we head over to my car to get the cables. I open the trunk, and my subwoofer isn't in my car any more... Head over to the passenger side and see that the window was smashed in, they stole my mp3 player and broke the recliner for the passenger side chair... Right in front of my house. I'm wondering how much will get covered by insurance... We have Progressive. I'm wondering if a. They'll cover the price of the sub, mp3 player, and cost to get the recliner fixed (sub and mp3 cost a total of $200-$250). idk about the recliner, maybe $60. I know they'll cover the cost of the broken window ($200, already dropped it off to get fixed), but my dad (owner and insurance payer of the car) is wondering if the increase in rates will be worth saving the $200 in window repair. Thanks. Make sure to take your valuables out of your cars at night or in a sketchy area, guys.""

Where can i get cheap car insurance?

ive not yet actually got a car, but i acted like i have on these insurance compare sites, and no matter what car i (pretend) to have its coming up as over 1000 a year, im 27 female and have just passed my driving test, i have a secure drive, do you know any insurance that would give me low payments per month, for a small car dating any thing from the 90s to now, thanks, or who are you with and how much is your insurance each month and what car do you have thanks again""

How much to insure a 20 year old female learner on mothers insurance for one month in ireland?

i am 20 and want to learn to drive in my mums car (citron saxo 2001) how much roughly would it be to add me to the insurance for one month if ive never had lessons and have only had a provisional licence for 2 months? i live in ireland thanks

""I am international student , i need to apply health insurance(Texas)?""

where should i go?(houston, Texas) what stuff should i prepare or anything i should biring""

How much will I get from the insurance for my totaled car?

A person hit my parked car and damaged the body, the wheel well, and the wheel is bent crooked and rubbing on the strut. My problem is the car is old and probably only worth $500. It will be really difficult to find a replacement for $500, it seems i might need to spend $1500 -$2000. Maybe this is close to the repair price, I don't know. What do you think they will offer me? What should I do?""

Car Insurance query (involved in accident)?

Yesterday I was involved in an accident, I was stopped on the motorway when a car was going too fast crashed right into the back of me, pushing me into the van in front, the recovery guy who picked my vehicle up said it prob will be written off due to its age. My questions are: a - I am an additional named driver on the policy with direct line, the policy holder in my mum, we didn't select for courtsey car, and my friend seems to think that the person who crashed into me, his insurance company should provide me with one? And if so how do I go about this? b - I think I may have whiplash, my neck is extremley sore and I can't look to right and left without turining my whole body, I am going to doctor's tomorrow, do I get compensation for this as it said online you can claim loss of earnings but at the moment I am unemployed. I spoke to Direct Line who advised providing the man admits it was his fault (I can't see him not as it clearly was) then my mum won't loose her no claims. Thanks""

AAA insurance question! I just got my license!?

I just got my license today! I'm 18 and live in California. 1. Can I drive with people under 18? 2. My mom has AAA auto insurance for her car, and that's what I was driving when I had my permit. Is it still ok to drive the car now that I have my license? 3. I didn't understand the scoring system. I got 5 wrong, and obviously passed what is that in a letter grade or percent? Thanks. God Bless.""

What happens if you switch car insurance?

Had a policy with my mother and due to conflict between the family I got my own policy and she moved out of town and has her own. However, she was behind on the payments (I had no idea, I just gave her the money every month in the form of a check) and after splitting the insurance I'm stuck with a $400 dollar bill just to continue my insurance that wasn't paid by my mother. I would like to somehow get around this and I was wondering what the consequences were if I were to not pay this payment and get car insurance elsewhere.""

Car Insurance for teens?

How much would it cost monthly for a teenage girl? You don't have to be exact but make an estimate.

Why are white cars cheaper than other colours?

im trying to find a more of an economic based answer.... thanks

Why is car insurance mandatory but human insurance isn't?

Best car for me (47 year old male)?

Would your name show up on car insurance papers if their were to be two people on the insurance?

My dad is the main person on the car insurance and if he was to put me on it, would my name show on the car insurance papers?""

Does one have to report fixing a car to insurance?

So let's say that an underage and uninsured driver hits my car in a parking lot. Not totaled or anything, but a large dent and a scratched. I know the child in the car, and his Dad tells me that he could just pay it for the damages out of pocket. If I get an estimate and get the car fixed with the fathers money, do I have to report it to the insurance? Am I allowed to just go to a body shop and get the doors fixed, and that is the end of that? Will I be in any legal trouble if I do it? Thanks.""

California Medical for teens?

I am 19 & i have no insurance at all and i was wondering if theres a way to get on the Medi-caid or medi-cal that the state offers to usually younge kids or pregnant women? can someone give me info?

Liable for any outstanding premium? car insurance cancellation?

Car insurance cancellation - If you cancel your insurance more than 14 days after purchasing your policy, you will, depending on when you bought your policy, be entitled to a refund of your premium subject to the scale detailed in the policy booklet. We will also charge a 45 cancellation fee plus Insurance Premium Tax at the rate applicable at that time. A refund will not be given if you have had any claims during the relevant policy period. If you are paying by instalments, you will be liable for any outstanding premium I pay for my insurance in installments of 130 a month, i want to cancel my policy 4 months in. Do i have to pay the rest of the 1,600 for the year or just the cancellation fee of 45?""

What's a site I can use to see how much car insurance would be?

I want to see an estimate

Car insurance question?

I just turned 16 and got my driving permit. I would be using my grandmothers car and she has erie insurance. My question is.. Am I allowed to practice driving on the car even without getting insurance? She insists that I'm not allowed to unless I get insurance but everyone else I know does it without. She thinks that I am going to get in a crash because I can't keep my room clean. (wtf?)

Best Home Owners insurance for my home in allentown PA in the USA?

I am looking for good home owners insurance in allentown pa..i have a regular row home but i think im being over charged by my current insurance any suggestions for a good and affordable insurance.

How much will car insurance cost for a 17 year old in the UK?

I'm 16 years old, and 17 in a few months. I have a car already, in the garage. It's a Peugot 106, and my mum bought it for 350. I live in Newcastle, and I would like to know a rough price on the insurance? Realistically, around the region of 1000-3000 ect...""

How much does car insurance cost?

Im 19,, looking for a first car,, whats the cheapest car to insure? How much about would it cost?""

Why is my car insurance quote cheaper?

My insurance ends this month so last week i just did a quote out of curiosity claiming i had a 1 years no claims bonus which i should get end of this month, which said it would be 10 cheaper. I did it last night but this time i put i had NO no claims bonus and it came up saying its 40 cheaper! I went for that one but does it matter that i havnt put in my bonus? I havnt got one yet anyway cause i needed to sort it out asap""

Can i get car insurance at an affordable rate after declaring bankruptcy?

Beware this Scam on Car Insurance.!!?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/insurance-16-yr-old-guy-please-read-answer-lurdes-beach"

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selenaslittletalks · 7 years ago

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2017

It’s that time again, and I already know this one will be particularly difficult to write.

I’ll begin with last year’s resolutions:

1. Exercise more and eat healthier. This is probably as cliché as it gets. And it’s probably one that is broken the most. I’m getting older, and my body is deteriorating. 2. Appreciate the little things more. I take so much for granted, and I think I need to be more appreciative of everything that happens.3. Make friends.You have like none. You should be more social and find a group of people that click with you for once. Find friends that you share interests with. Find friends who you’re genuinely happy to be around. Find friends who you can be yourself around.4. Appreciate myself more and be happier. This one is going to be hard. I know it. I’ve been trying to do this for years. Keep working at it. Things won’t always go your way, that’s okay. Understand your own limitations. Understand your greatness. Appreciate all the good you do and stop paying so much attention to the bad. Do more of what makes you happy. Try to do these.

Well gee, I don’t think I did any of these. They are all however things I’d still would very much like to work on next year, so I’ll probably carry them over onto 2018, possibly with some modifications because they are pretty broad. This year, I’m not really sure how I want to format this. I’m thinking start with the good and gradually go to the bad, then entertainment mentions, and then resolutions. Yeah, that sounds alright. The biggest thing that happened this year was I graduated college. I got my undergraduate degree in Computer Science. And honestly, I didn’t enjoy that period or milestone as much as I should have. I’ll get to why in a bit. I bought myself a Nintendo Switch this year. I’ll admit it was pretty impulsive, but I don’t regret it one bit. I haven’t owned a console since a Nintendo DS Lite, so it’s definitely been a while. It’s an amazing piece of technology. It’s portability, and ability to be docked is insane. And I’ve played probably one of my favorite games ever, Super Mario Odyssey. I love it so much. I don’t think I’ve ever had as much fun as I did playing this game. I’m looking forward to new features and titles to be released next year.

I got my first official full time job as an associate software developer. It’s been a difficult and long journey, but I did it. Let’s get into it shall we. This year has been probably the most difficult yet. I’ve had countless nights of sobbing on the floor. Curled up, headphones in, and just bawling my eyes out. I had so many of these episodes. I even documented some of them as they were happening, and I was at my lowest point ever. I didn’t know my purpose in life. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt lost. I felt worthless. I hated myself. I didn’t want to live. It was a vicious cycle. And what’s crazy was it was all self-inflicted. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to find a job. Seeing all of my peers become successful and start their careers and lives, while I was left behind in the dust destroyed me. To cope with this, and to try to maintain what little remained of my sanity, I closed myself off from everyone and everything. I detached myself from society. In hindsight, I think that was the best thing I could do, granted I didn’t have a single person I could entrust with anything. Or a person that would understand what I was going through. And going through all of that alone forced myself to maintain focus on me and disregard any and all things others were doing. It was a terrible time, but I overcame, and learned a lot about myself, life, and the world. Right now, I don’t think I am happy. I am more so, just relieved that I am no longer caught in the vicious cycle of the job-seeking and interview process. I am just content that I have a source of income, that I am learning, and that I am moving forward, no matter how small a step it’s still toward the right direction. Did I think that once I got a job that every awful feeling would evaporate from my blood and bones? Yes, I did. And I was naive in believing that. The problem is deeper, and I’m still working at it. What I learned from all of this was that a lot of those sayings and advice that people give you are true. It’s just very difficult to live by them. Don’t compare yourself to others. Have faith and belief in yourself. You can do anything if you work hard for it. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Expectations are hardly ever the same as reality. These, and a whole slew of others applied to me. It’s insane to me, to reread some of these posts during or after some of my breakdown episodes. It’s a strange phenomenon, of being able to reflect on how awful you felt once before. And it’s amazing to see yourself in a better place, overcoming all of the treachery. I think I need to give myself a lot more credit than I do. I know I need to appreciate myself, and love myself more. Because, I am stronger than I know. Coming out of all of this proves just that. Even in those moments where I felt powerless and worthless, I somehow mustered enough to continue and fight on. I think in large part, entertainment had a lot to do with that. TV has always been one of my greatest passions in life. I pride myself on how many TV series I’ve seen and episodes I’ve watched. This year I watched a lot of good shows, old and new. The Gifted - I think this show only got on my radar from SDCC posts. I saw one of my favorite fellow Asians, Jamie Chung was in it as Blink, and it was in the X-men Universe so I was already sold. The show was a lot better than I anticipated. And I also ended up loving Polaris the most, oops. And this show gave me Emma, who is now one of my favorite humans. Marvel’s Runaways - I originally wasn’t planning on watching this at all. But something compelled me to one evening, and I watched the first 3 episodes. I’m glad I did. It gave me my goth witch queen Nico. And this show just keeps getting better and better every week. The Punisher - I loved Frank Castle in Daredevil S2, so it was a no brainer to watch this. It had all the blood and gore I was anticipating, and it even got me to feel Kastle things, WHICH I WAS NOT READY FOR. All the flashback with Maria and the kids, hurt me to no end. Frank can just be murdering people and I’ll be all THAT’S MY BB PROTECT HIM. Which he clearly doesn’t need any help with btw. The Bold Type - This was probably one of the most important shows for me and I almost gave up on it. I watched the pilot and wasn’t crazy about it and quit for about 2-3 weeks. Then one night, I got bored and watch the new episodes on Hulu, and I got sucked in. This show came to me in the way the universe and fate work. It’s about three 20-somethings navigating their careers, love lives, relationships, and life in general. I think it’s a show that we’re lacking and I’m glad that it exists in the world. It’s relatable on numerous levels, going through similar struggles in finding a career and friends. And I’ll always love and support shows that feature strong female characters and relationships. And I am beyond grateful that Freeform renewed it for 2 more seasons. American Horror Story - I tried this long ago, but came back to it because of Stevie. I learned she was in Coven and I watched it because of her. I loved it. And I got a new fave out of it as well. Jessica Lange. She’s incredible. Big Little Lies - This was getting a ton of buzz from award shows, and it was star-packed so I was all in. I loved every bit of it, except that it was too white. But the heavy topics of domestic abuse, infidelity, sexual assault, and the societal pressures to hide all our insecurities and flaws were depicted perfectly. And the overall theme and ending of women helping women to stand up against men is something we all need to live by. Movies I watched this year that amazed me. In the Mood for Love - This film has been haunting me ever since Summer of 2014, where I took a film studies class and the professor showed the corridor clip from this movie to demonstrate a tracking shot and I never wrote down the name of it. And since then I’ve been desperately trying to find it. But one night, I was on youtube and randomly stumbled upon a top 10 mojo saddest movies (or something along those lines), and I saw this movie in Chinese. I’m like huh, this looks interesting I want to watch it. And then the next clip showed the corridor scene. I almost screamed. And I immediately watched it afterwards. I found the entire film on youtube. I wanted to like this movie a lot. And it lived up to what I was hoping for. And this movie really opened the door for me to watch more Hong Kong cinema. It basically set the ball in motion for me to go on a Wong Kar-Wai binge. I’ve watched almost all of his movies. But most importantly, I think it showed me that Asians are more than capable of acting, directing, and the whole shabang. And it set a fire in me to always support Asians in Hollywood, because we are far underrepresented. And there’s really no reason why, because all of Hong Kong cinema show that we have the art form down to a T, I think we just haven’t had the opportunity to shine. Thelma and Louise - I saw this on Hulu, and I remember this being one of Emilia’s favorite films, and I’ve always heard that it was a cult classic. I watched it one night, and I was blown away. It’s been a long time since a movie wowed me. It’s everything I’ve always wanted. I wanted a best friend and a relationship exactly like Thelma and Louise. Where’s my Louise!?! Wonder Woman - This movie was amazing. It was the first time I watched a female superhero on screen. I love Gal and everything she put into this movie. I love everything Wonder Woman stands for, and I love the empowerment that it’s given women all across the world. I love how I felt walking out of that theater feeling like I could do anything. Albums that came out this year. I See You - The XX: This is probably my favorite album of the year. I also saw The XX live, and they were incredible as expected. I was only 1 person away from the stage. Goals and resolutions for next year. 1. Make more friends and be more sociable. I want to go to meetups and take classes to meet like minded individuals. I think I’ve never found friends that have the same interests as me and we never really had anything in common. I think this is an important, if not vital, factor in any friendship. Without it, there’s nothing to bond you together.

2. Love yourself fully. If this year has taught me anything, it’s taught me how important it is to love and to believe in yourself. At the end of the day, you’re all you have. And if no one is there for you, you should at least be there for yourself. It makes no sense to hate who you are. Embrace yourself. All your flaws, your strengths, your mind, your heart, and your soul. Be true to yourself, and fight for yourself. And never, ever waver from who you want to be and who you are.

2017, you’ve been the worst to me. But through you, I’ve learned so much about myself and about life. You taught me valuable lessons. You broke me. But I’m still standing, and 2018 will be the year I rebuild myself. 2018 will be the year I take what is mine. 2018 will be the year I flourish.

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bandofholyjoy-blog · 8 years ago

Text

IT GETS LOCKED UP IN YOUR CHEST: MICHAEL BRANDON IN HAITI... Things get locked in your chest. Your chest-corporeal, I mean. You can be as stalwart as you wish, but things……get locked…. in your chest. Part One: “What The Hell - Where Am I?” Forget that there was no ceiling over the majority of the house, yes, that is correct, no roofing. The impact was particularly “lofty," in that huge, arena-esque space ; a baby bird’s mouth at spit-feed time, indeed, the "living room.” We had mango trees where most homes had bookcases. They rose up and up, practically touching the stars, in my ripe, 11-year old imagination. Forget the (massive) mosquito nets , compulsory to sleep under (you best believe: Malaria and "This-or That”, killer fever). Forget the adult-male-hand-sized tarantulas, and how they’d drop on my fucking head, in that "Uniball Signo-207-level,” inky-blackness... of the country’s foul, microwave nights. Forget the omnipresent, after-dark-bats, or the violent chickens (yes) that would “entertain”, on random, possessed evenings. All of the unwanted guests, they had an oceanic entrance, and then some, through aforementioned, ‘negative-roofing.” I recall my mother, with broom-as-rapier, beating back those truculent, pecking , rabid-assed chickens. They behaved like They were, but I’ve never heard of rabies-infected fowl. WTF = indeed. WTF was in the feed? Forget it all. Forget that I’m in Port-au-Prince, and it is 1977. From Park Avenue to Haiti ; I can envision the Off-Broadway, musical tragicomedy. “Why Mommy, Whhhhhy?” would be the opening number. The Backdrop of glimmering, rubbish-free Park Avenue sidewalks would be crumpled by a drop sheet festooning over the previous one ; the new background, blaring sunshine, highlighting makeshift huts, skeletal dogs and cats, and a woman encumbered or emboldened…via eight, weaved baskets (of varying size and weight) atop the crown of her head. “Ha," indeed. All traces of levity now-removed, as I type the name: “Baby" Doc Duvalier. Forget the sight of him. The sight of a pinguid, nasty, ever-smirking menace, as he pierced the open sunroof of a too-long limousine ; all that was missing was a hood decal of the reaper. Forget that feculent beast, hurling coins to armless / legless children. I’m talking about kids that were my age and (much) younger. The sight of the children, literally tearing each other apart for a meagre allotment of coins... Let’s forget it. These were the same children, I’d consistently gift my sneakers, shirts, pants( everything) to. I’d walk home through those seemingly endless, sugar cane fields, “home”….back to the haunted house, only to be greeted by mother-irate. To be fair, my mom was "half-irate.” It only pissed her off that she’d have to order me more clothes from the U.S.A . An overtly-charitable nature , innate. I’m serious. Was this a somatic mutation, only, in behavioral format? I was this way from birth. It can be grotesque, the kill-with-kindness shtick. I assure you, I have no freaking idea - why. WhyI’ve been this way. I do not choose this bizarre, saintly shit , do I? You will pay the price for kindness. Oh man, will you pay ; you'll even be despised for it. “You’d feed a starving dog and let yourself die.” My mother used to say that to me, and often. Would I? Hell if I know the answer to that question. I hope the answer is: “no way." I’d defend my recurring actions. "They were missing limbs!” t’was my clarion wail. My plea for the: "amputated-for-god-knows-why…” kids. I still do not know why so many were limbless. I’m assuming, petty transgressions (food theft?) ; these beautiful, still-smiling children, ever-clamouring for my clothing and shoes. Damn. Now I’m reminded to forget my truancy. The headmistress of the (country’s best) “Creole / American” school, admonishing my mother: “your child is too intelligent to attend. Our school is shit. I advise you to stay away." OH! Let us also forget the omnipresent heat,it’s own universe of hatred and scorn…. a heat so pernicious, it incinerated my (American) comic books, literally, to ash. Forget that we’re in Haiti before the term ‘“Sweatshop” was fashionable. In all fairness….My mother has always, always treated anyone, anyone who has worked for her, like bordeline-royalty. She took care of every last person, and still does today. There is no one quite like her…for all the …Wait. Let me not lose focus (snicker!) Mike Brandon, lose focus? Remember. I am trying to forget. Forget my cat showing up at the doorstep with half his brains removed. What ungodly beast did that? I’ve forgotten it. Forget the rank, gamey pigeons we ate. I might not be able to forget... affable Destan. Destan. The ever-smiling, perpetually, (infectiously!) happy houseboy. My mother offered Destan a proper room, but he opted out. Destan preferred the dank, dark, "bird- basement", covered in turkey, dove, pigeon…. you-name-it / “ it’s what’s for dinner!” bird shit. I’m talking about spackle. I”m attempting to verbalize... shit-as-caulk. I’m talking about tenfold layers and layers of bird crap. I’ll never be able to find the words for the density of that avian, "shit-splosion." The stench alone? OH, dear g….. Forget it. Forget “Hank" - was it? The turkey I loved.You are actually reading this. It’s not a dream. I loved a damn turkey. Wow. What else ya gonna DO in Haiti, ah? Forget that he was served for dinner one night, as Bruno, my mom’s drunkard boyfriend (who I adored, BTW) darted a nefarious grin my way, indeed he did. I called “exemption" on Hank, but, my plea, clearly it meant jack-all. The turkey I claimed as a pet, yep, he was now on my dinner plate. Ahhhh forget the minuscule shit. It only “mattered” to a wussy child, anyway. Let’s get to one “experience,” shall we? One Haiti experience that is probably worth remembering, just for the sheer culture shock and spectacle. A "Cirque Du Wha-HEY!” that I doubt… any other spoiled, Park Avenue bitch boys got to see. I was a lucky bitch boy, it could be said. Let’s not forget that tidbit. I’d like to forget that Serge, one of the gents who brought me to the “experience,” was (quite a few years later) found tied to a tree, throat slit, ear-to-ear. OK. The experience. Yes. "The Experience." Part Two: “The first time I fainted." Voodoo rituals, to say the least? they are myriad. I believe the one I endured ; I believe it was a: “Repel Demonic Spirits Ritual." Memories are brutal things, eh? Who knows what the template for a memory... truly is. Fiction pales. This is, in my opinion? a “level two" (out of ten) true-life shocker. My age played the largest role, as did the country, itself. What a wake-up call. It is unique, and for this reason, and this reason alone, it is possibly worth revisiting. My mother was in her early 30’s. She always worked her ass off, and she partied just as hard. Prime period, Bardot-level beauty (beyond) who took advantage of "nature’s temporary gift.” Fuck you, nature…BTW. My mom was a hardcore player. Some nights I was passed around like an American football. This was one of those nights. “Want to see something endemic to Port-au-Prince?” - something to this effect, but in "layman-ese” ; obviously, he did not use the 50 cent word I supplied. I was with Serge (I forget…I really do forget! )and two others. I was taken to the ceremony by three men who worked for my mother’s sportswear company. Factory employees, oh yes, turned makeshift babysitters. Hoo-rah! My mom was (likely) at the Royal Haitian Casino and Hotel. High-end for Port-au-Prince, this joint was, indeed. Stepping into the Air Conditioned “Royal Haitian,” was akin to attending Epcot Center’s best attraction…if it had one, I mean. My mother was doing “her thing…” (* never “caved" to self-deprivation, is all I will say) Me, I was in a filthy van. I recall being in that van, for what seemed like ages ; myself and three cackling adults, clearly amped that I was about to be “de-flowered"….erm...in some fashion. “Tonight, we are going to show you the real Haiti!” Indeed, they were about to show me something, and boy, had I been giddily rapacious. “Authentic Voodoo Show? Hell yes!” was at the forefront of my already-twisted, little skull. Let’s be honest. This was well before I went crazy. That happened at age 12 and beyond. This was unique, especially for a Park Avenue-born kid. Forget the amorphous mind of the over-zealous, ignorant child ; good decisions , like batteries….never included. When I wrote: " these rituals were myriad,”or something to this effect, I was imagining a color spectrum. I was told (in 1977) Voodoo Ceremonials took place, for just about any occasion. I cannot verify this, nor have I ever cared to research it, via the web. This was a: “you’re in over your head” occasion, because it was: "pre-everything.” I retained innocence, I did, in 1977. I know that I still had innocence, even when Haiti tried to rend it from me. “Pre-Hell-Dipped-Mikey, and His First Voodoo Ceremony.” Honestly, this was akin to watching a Shirley Temple film ; I simply had no comparisons - not yet. I have to assume, however, that this was one of the more “epic"(?) voodoo ceremonies. I mean, if not, then what am I missing? Let us also forge...t that it took place in the middle of freaking nowhere, and in a perfectly grim setting. Central casting and location scout teams? Hell, they’d piss over this package, in it’s entirety. It’s 1977, babe! Woooooooo! I know nothing! Mikey knows nada! I have not even met my dick, yet! Shit, where was I….. The van pulled up where roads terminated, and tangled, foreboding woods claimed dominion, 360 degrees, everywhere you canted your head. So dark, those nights, all of them, in Port-au-Prince. Crickets, oddball,insect noises ; not much else. We had to foot it to the makeshift “arena”. I recall those bleak woods… The flashlight… “Hold onto my arm” etc. Eventually, I could see the gleam ; the flicker of flames. As we drew near, upright pole-torches guided us past the narrow, dirt pathway, widening until we hit it. I remember thinking: "earth-arena.” I knew it was man-made, but it appeared jungle-birthed, this stage…OH yeah. A stage forged in dark, dark soil. Serge made sure we got primo seats, as in: a huge-assed log, right in front of “Kaiju Circle" A damp, mossy log, one o...f maybe ten? They served as seats. Primo on the Primitiv-O. Our log. Our front row, ass-pain-delivery-conceyance log. She only required a few handkerchief thwacks , ending or hurling away, maybe a dozen, pesky, fire ants. A soil / dirt circle. A circle large enough to accommodate 20 people. Ornate the concentric designs were, beautiful, to be honest. Detailed, alien-scripture-ephemeral, as the street paintings that are doomed by foot traffic. The drawings and writing (by stick, I assume) etched inwards from the outer ring, all the way to the center, where the “MC” would eventually take position. The ceremony was mostly comprised of locals, as I’m pretty certain tourists were: in-absentia. the rumps on those stumps, the bums on that bark. I’m guessing, now... 30 people were in the audience? It was no... "Radiohead gig." Before I was carried to the van, and later briefed about the “finale” I missed… I can relay this much. The “MC” was a young(ish) woman, adorned with feathers and bones. Bone. Bones. Bone through her nose. Small prey. Mammalian = another guess. “Bone Gear.” Wherever her face and naked body ("mondo-regalia,” aside) was not tattooed or pierced by small scraps of metal, there was bone. Rat skulls? I remember bone. Mucho Hueso. Suddenly came the drums. Loud as hell, this percussion. Man, there was a small army of drummers, banging these upright….tree-stump-type objects. If ever a time was right for earplugs, this was it. The jungle did not absorb that pummeling. I felt it in my body, like a recent, audiophile demo, at Soho's “Stereo Exchange." A beverage was passed around to the spectators, and my “handlers” ensured, and fairly aggressively, that I did not drink from that clay bowl. Four men. Four men Flanked the Priestess (I think this was what they called her), two on her left side, and two on her right side. A (very) young girl scurried forward, carrying some "Tim Burton-looking” cage, comprised of dead palm fronds and mossy bark, set it near the priestess’ feet, then darted back. Her entrance alacrity perfectly paced with her exit speed. Doves. Doves were crammed-tight! Doves! Doves , like concentration camp train victims….crammed in the most repulsive manner.i Thacrap-looking cage. Doves, super-stuffed, like ten marshmallows in a baby Raccoon’s fist. Trust me, I’ve seen it .Same visual. More drums. “When will they start?” The waiting. The endless, percussion-as-punishment. I wanted to bail. Then. Then, it just began. The squeeze. Why? to push the heart upwards - WTF? Then the bite. Surgical, her “bird-headings” were, Yeah. This gal was biting, then spitefully! It was ( a guess?) pre-PETA, but it felt...mega-pear-shaped. What am I even saying? It was Haiti. 1977! Spitefully, she spat those dove heads, and in random directions. Bite…spit-quick-bubble-mouth. What the…? Ohhhhh! White morphs non-stop-red. Her “trick" was to make arterial spray, post-head-eject, rapidly retain dove blood in her mouth, then turn, to the drum beats…. Grand Guignol? I think this was a form of it. To the beat…. Bite, suck, hold, turn…spit… Spit the blood. SO much, the blood. Too much. Magic speed. Winter-squirrel. Puffy cheeks. She spat the blood left, then right, spray-painting the faces of the four men. I was having a rough time. I saw a grid. Black splotches, then a green, “electrified” grid, right tin front of my face. Still, I held on. I was definitely not happy. Then came those powders. I cannot tell you what was in them, nor what they were, no way. No tengo idea. I’d say 4-5 doves were given the "feral cat on PCP” treatment, then she blew various powders! Yes. Those mad powders, like sugar bombs exploding in the male faces. I was utterly amazed that the "dove-splosions" did not fell me. Amazed. I think my adult cohorts felt the same ; “Ballsy kid. Ballsy, for a spoiled, yankee bitch boy.” What did me in? It was that somnambulism “trick?” Was it a trick? Was it real? This was where I began to board the “Wooze Cruise.” One of the powders blown , obscured the male faces for a few seconds, then….THEN. Next, the powwders, and I’ll hazard another guesstimate: 2-minute absorption time. Those white powders. They made the dudes “Danse Macabre” . I am talking: some scary-assed, David-Lynch-type action. I was now in Batshit Town. Population: MIkeyboy, Grunts and howls. Pain. Ugly , animalistic sounds of agony, emitted from all four men. Freakish, gross, naked men, falling backwards, yet still-standing. Utterly insectoid. The unedited version of “The Exorcist.” Regan doing the spider-walk. Four naked, full-body-paint-adorned , synchronized wig-outs. Jacob’s Ladder.. Esther Williams on shards of glass and bath salts. When the men's eyes rolled back, fiendishly displaying… I mean: "pop-out-level,” hyper-bulging, white orbs ; yes indeed, I was getting my baaaaaaaaad freak-on, finally. The priestess summoned the men to do dog-like tricks. An arm was cut. She sucked from it…I barely recall my backflip off that fat-assed, wet log (eventually, I’d be doing that move endlessly, as a scuba diver, only, a tad more gracefully) I awoke in the grimy van that brought me to this netherworld. Ostensibly, I missed the highlight ie. “the finale.” I missed the part where the priestess and her charges were “resistant.” Example: They downed 4 bottles of Jack Daniels (apiece!) and remained “sober.". The alcohol was inspected by the audience to prove it’s veracity etc. I missed this bit, and the wound-proof bit. I cannot tell you what I missed, as it was verbally detailed “at" me, I still had (intermittent) ink splashes in my eyes. I was in and out of brief fainting spells. I did not have any interest, none, in hearing more about the finale. I blew it. I never saw :The FULL Enchilada." Maybe? Someone cut one of the “performers” and there was no blood. Honestly, My 11-year old brain was knackered for the evening. I felt nauseated in a way that I never experienced (again), save for a night in Coney Island where my stripper girlfriend was performing at the sideshow, and her pal ( a writer, of course!) was retelling me his testicle injury horror story. OH, this is one that needs to be heard. That was faint number two. The only other times I have “hit asphalt?” You don’t want to know. I am sure, rituals modern and old, can be found online. I have no idea if there are or were(ever) “rules or regulations,” in regards to said rituals. I saw what I saw, and it was unique, especially for Mikey, the 11-year old / previous dweller on “The Gold Coast of Manhattan." Haiti has beauty. There were amazing sights and indigent, yet upbeat people, but…. It’s a shit-show, by and large. It was awful then. and it’s worse , I believe, yes, worse now. I will not get political. I just forget. That’s what I do. I try to forget. It’s all locked up in my chest. I try to forget. It’s all locked up in my chest.

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