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danicathough-blog · 8 years ago

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Dearest Darling Dumbfuck Danica,

I’m going to write this because on occasion you seem a little panicky and concerned that I might be seeking other things, that I may have other girlfriends, that I might have an ulterior motive etc. Usually these occasions are when you speak to crazy people who have yet to actually meet me or learn anything about me, or converse with teasing friends. Sometimes they are because I reveal certain things about myself and my desires that you may then rashly conceive as the only or primary reason for my interest in you.

I want to tell you what you are to me. It’s not easy to describe the feelings and emotions that you invoke, and I am fully aware that you are far from a fan of them anyway but I’m going to try to do my best, with the hope that this page will be a reference for you if you’re ever doubting my sincerety.

I like you a lot. From your first inbox message to me - I will be honest - you came across as another autistic spaz customer with nothing remarkable about you whatsoever beyond your probably ability to name all of the ‘My Little Pony’ characters. It was only when we talked that I realised that you were very different. Your sense of humour was great and you were quick-witted and intelligent. I was genuinely sad when we stopped talking and you just disappeared because I thought that you were a very cool person and I would have liked to have gotten to know more about you. In time, I forgot about that and perhaps a year passed. I didn’t ever have any more customers like you or leave anyone as silly feedback. I didn’t invite anyone else to Skype. I talk to a lot of people on there, I talk to a lot of people at work. I talk to people in my daily life and I was never so interested as I was, albeit momentarily, in you.

When we started talking again, I was really not expecting it to be you at all. It made me happy that you were still alive and kicking, seemingly well and still a funny, smart, playful, impertenent little nerd. We talked and we talked and the more that I learned about you the more of an affinity I felt with you. I’ve felt close to people before, I’ve had similarities and felt familiarities before and I’m sure that the memory of those feelings has been blunted and dulled by the passage of time, but I am equally as positive that they were never quite so pronounced as they are with you. I knew that there was a very real connection and the fact that we did see eye to eye on many things encouraged me. You made me smile and made me laugh and I loved having the same impact on you. It was great that we broadly shared the same politics, television, musical tastes, literature interests and so on. It was fantastic that we’d get each others stupid references to things that other people wouldn’t or that we’d both find we’d read the same news articles and learned the same facts. All the small things made me feel ever more connected with you. I had a strong desire to know and learn more about you, about your dreams and desires, about your hopes, about your past, about your future, about who you are deep inside.

I liked everything that you told me and the more that I would look at you when we started camming together, the more I’d notice tiny little movements, mannerisms and micro expressions. Again, they all appealed to me, this time to the side of me that deals with physical attraction. I thought that you were so pretty and so nice to look at. Your smile and laugh would make my heart raise in my chest and seeing a frown on your face made it drop. I know pretty girls, I know intelligent girls, I know whimsical girls, I know girls with a nice smile and girls with great hair and girls who can make me laugh and girls who get all A’s in every subject. I know people who I think will have a bright future and have a positive impact on the world. I didn’t know any girl or person as well rounded in all of those areas and more as you. I didn’t know anyone that I found so attractive, so smart, so entertaining and silly and so analagous with everything that I’ve ever liked or wanted - all at the same time. It was and still is insane and when the idea of meeting in person came up I wanted it like I’d never wanted anything before so that I could confirm my reaction to you wasn’t just just over-the-top insanity and that you really were “all that”. I knew that we’d get on and that we’d enjoy each others company, I just never predicted how much or how happy it would leave me.

When I first saw you walking towards me at the train station, it was apparent that you were physically everything I desire. The camera didn’t do you justice at all, you are stunning. I know that beauty is all in the eye of the beholder and that many people have many different preferences, but you are so all-round classically beautiful that I damn near fucking died on the spot. To me, and I’m positive to many other people, you look like you’ve stepped right out of a fairytale. I could photograph and paint and stare at you all day. Cheese, I know. Gayness, I know. You are just so attractive to me. The moment that you opened your mouth I was relaxed. The first step that we took alongside each other, I was comfortable. There was no awkwardness, there was no unfamilarity, no wariness. It was as if I had known you for my entire life, and all of my prior feelings for you that I had been telling myself were idiocy and nuts were only amplified when in your company. I knew right than that I genuinely felt for you and that we really did have a rare connection. It is beyond laborious and problematic to try to create that kind of a feeling artificially with someone, to try to evolve things to such a level where you just “get” each other and know each other and feel like one entity. Open to each other. Serene and at ease. With you, everything was tranquil from the first second and I was completely carefree without having to pretend that I am anyone or anything else.

Certain things happened that day that I would never have commited to with anyone else. Certain things that went against all of my strongly held core beliefs and dogma. And they felt so perfect and so right and so natural that I do not regret them and never will. On that day and in the days and weeks since, I have seen more sides to you.

Your extremely hot side is one of those, and you turn me on to no end. The chemistry between us is incredible. It really is. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t before experienced the levels of excitement and pleasure that I feel with you. Believe me, it would be hard to emulate with anyone else. The underlying invisible connection that we exclusively share gives me a feeling of oneness with you that is hard to explain but that makes our fucking and our kissing and our hugging and our transition from one to the other and back again just out of this world. I know, cheesy again, but FUCK. When I’m on top of you with your legs over my shoulders and we’re looking in to each others eyes... Your nose twitches, you click your tongue off the back of your teeth and make a stupid remark and we laugh. Then I push in to you and we kiss. It all feels perfect and pure and amazing and great and better-than-anything. It’s not easy to put in to words. It’s even less straightforward when I’m trying not to put an emphasis on the sex, rather just point out how fucking beautiful and unequaled it is with you. It’s not the prime thing, it’s not what I seek. The point of me writing this is for you to understand and believe that it’s not my sole desire. It is A desire, because you are just so fuckable and pretty that I’d be insane not to want to be inside of you a lot of the time. As much as your gorgeous body and filthy mind distract me, sex isn’t the only desire.

It’s difficult with you because if we’re discussing sex then it’s fine, except when you start to perhaps feel that I’m only interested in “taking advantage” or seeing you as a stupid girl and so on. Then when we’re discussing love and emotions, it’s gay and you don’t want to hear it so much. It’s hard to know how to tell you what you are to me without traversing too far one way or the other. I don’t want to displease you or cause you discomfort. I don’t want you to feel as though I’m being too heavy. I just want you to know that while the sex is incredible and exciting, I have a multitude of desires and feelings for you that started sprouting when we first began to talk and are growing every day. There’s no question of me being in this for any one thing. I am in this because you are a beautiful, imaginative, astute, witty, facetious, sexy little shit and you give me a reason to wake up every day and something happy to think about. No pressure, you aren’t the only reason and I’m not going to die if it ends but you are a wonderful reason for me to open my eyes in the morning nonetheless.

What we have isn’t something that I expect to hold on to forever. Not that I won’t try, because I will. We’re always evolving and changing and re-shaping ourselves and we all have our own paths and desires and perhaps ours will eventually change. I’m not under any illusion that you’re going to be in to me forever but while you seemingly are I would love to be with you and enjoy the journey, living one day at a time and supporting and helping you in any way that I can. I want to share all that is mine with you, inside and out. I want to help you discover things that you may not have without our unity, I want to help you realise your hopes and follow your dreams. I want to learn from you in the same way. I want to have adventures with you, I want to travel and explore and probe and prospect and voyage and discover things. I want to really live with you and I hope that what we have and are building lasts for a protracted time because I know that my connection to you will be lifelong and that whatever may happen in the future, we will still respect and love each other in some capacity. Right now, I do believe that I love you in the capacity of a lover. It looks nuts on paper, but all of the right circumstances and all of the right feelings are there. I am in tune with you like no other. All of the special chemicals are rushing throughout my brain and coarsing through my veins. You might think it’s “gay” and “emo” and you’re probably wondering why I even wrote this whole thing. I figure that if people can write 1,000 words on a shitty school subject then I can write 2,000 on why I love you and why I care about you more than just wanting to fuck you. I do want to fuck you, though. I want to fuck you lots and lots and live out all of your deepest and most secretive fantasies. Then I want to hug you and I want to kiss you and I want to learn something new together and read the same book and watch the same movie and visit the same beautiful places side by side. Maybe even hand in hand if you can handle public displays of affection one day.

You’re an incredible girl with a huge amount of potential and so much already going for you. You’re slick and witty, brilliant and silly. The way that you look at me and the feeling of your hand in mine when I touch you makes me feel electric. The way we have dumb little mini grin-offs where we stare at each other and sort of start to just crease up our faces kills me. There are so many small things that make me want you and love you and desire for you to be happy and flourish. I can only do my best to help with that and if I ever sometimes fail then I’m sorry in advance. My intentions with you are honest and my feelings are true. I hope you have real feelings for me or I may have to hide in a cave for a good while.

You’re really the most perfect dickhead that I know.

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