#this is not comprehensive i am a sludge monster

[scribefindegil]

Been thinking about how Reigen has different "modes" that he switches between, e.g.

Customer Service (the standard when he's in the office or giving advice; mask is friendly and professional)

Flailing Muppet (certain customer consults; instinctive response to stress/danger/confusion)

I Am Completely In Control Of This Situation (*slams* that mask on while screaming internally; used in high-stakes situations; mask is calm and calculating)

The Mortifying Ordeal Of Being Known (rare and fleeting moments of earnest openness which I treasure like gems)

[scenekidfancams]

Modern Death Metal Starter Pack.

Most People on my hosting site, tumblr, I have realized have miscategorized Death Metal. Honestly metal In general. So Here is a comprehensive list of modern death metal bands (2022)

sanguisugabogg

(credit metalarchives)

While not the newest band on the list but formed around 2018-2019 the Ohio death metal band certainly are gaining hype. sanguisugabogg brings back the classic caveman brutal death metal sound. Its not like slam or faster death metal. its right in between, with a perfect amount of beastly energy like a calculated grotesque monster rather than an knuckle dragging neanderthal. at least on 2021's "Tortured Whole", Pornographic seizures has the band going as close to into a devourment style as they can. also alot of sexism that plagues death metal is taking away or done tastefully,

Sanguisugabogg can get grotesque but not in a way that's hatred. its more of playful 80's horror movie gore. or as much playful as that can be. I mean a giant kaiju toxic waste penis monster in the music video "gored in the chest" is not trying to be mean. also they smoke weed so most of there material is about that too.

Sanguisugabogg's tortured whole and pornographic seizures are on century media records.

2. Bodybox

(credit - outburn.com)

Not to be confused with a specific pulmonary machine, is a self proclaimed "TWO FISTED, TWO STEPPIN, DOUBLE WIDE DEATH METAL" band from Orlando, Florida. Like many bands, Bodybox take heavy inspiration from the florida death metal aesthetic specifically obituary. Just imagine a stoner, a death metal fan and a extra off trailerparkboys and that's what bodybox is.

(video by 197 media)

they also have the most on brand and simple to understand lyrics of any death metal band. I sometimes (depending on the band) hate having to know a whole novel of fucking lore or waiting til the band (if ever) releases a track explanation on YouTube. so bodybox is really in this case while not open to interpretation or a lyrical masterpeace in storytelling, is still simple to understand and that is what I want out of a band like bodybox.

some of my favorite lyrics include -

"Would fight for cocaine Would you steal for cocaine Would you fuck for cocaine" - Carving (through the bongfire)

"Until you make contact with me You think your so tuff Till I pull out the resin blunt You still can’t understand this smoke" - resin scraper (microwaved weed)

bodybox's "microwaved weed" and "through the bongfire" are on maggot stomp records. Also Bodybox will be on a southern USA tour with Iam (tx), and rhythm of fear from November 3rd through the 18th.

3. Frog Mallet.

I know most people would call Boston's Frog Mallet "slam" or "slamming beatdown" but they are also a death metal band in my humble opinion. And really when am I as journalist gonna write about lyrically based frog death metal bands again. like ever? So if your looking for only semi - serious bands frog mallet might be for you.

surprisingly frog mallet strikes a good balance between some funny moments but the frog jokes tire out / become just comedy metal at that point / know when to be serious and not have smelly pretentious frog farts. Frog Mallet can spring up a good combination beatdown / slam riffs, near perfect gutturals and gurgly ribbits on the mic and lyrical story telling and lyrics that know there place in certain songs. specifically parodying the mosh callouts and repping area codes before breakdowns.

(FLASHING WARNING) [Video on Slam Worldwide]

"That's right bitch Guttural Toad is here to stay Fuck all you fake as frog pussies We're in leap town now motha fucka From the pond to the tank Real wart shit Frog Mallet Sludge of the Swamp" - Sludge of the Swamp (Dissection by Amphibiant)

I'm not sure if all music is on spotify, so here's there merch instead.

also frog mallet are fully independent / unsigned so please consider buying some shirts and music on bandcamp.

4. 200 Stab Wounds.

(credit http://www.shuttlecockmusic.com/)

ohio's 200 stab wounds is the new face of old school death metal influenced modern death metal. if you took the guys in 200 stab wounds they wouldn't sound out of place on a 90's relapse records

(credit hate5six and lbd fest)

200 stab wounds' lyrics and riffs are like blunt force trauma. I'd compare it again to like a 80's slasher where the killer is on the loose and is stalking out his teenage prey. or better yet 05's hostel by Eli Roth ALSO ITS NOT A BUNCH OF RIFF SALAD. while some may pass off 200 stab wounds chalked as a osdm clone they also have (i wouldn't say technical but so much death metal drumming chops and shredding to make them a whole other class of there own and prove there naysayers dead fucking wrong.

whether that the stank face slamish riffs in the first minute of skin milk, or the in pocket dodgeball tone drums grooves and "diddly didy diddly do" licks on the end of itty bitty pieces, 200 stab wounds seem like a one big well oiled murderous blood thirsty machine ready to blast with hammers and saws.

200 Stab wounds are on maggot stomp records.

5. Undeath

Rochester, NY natives undeath while kinda sounding like a dumb simple name to many is perfect to me. it really captures encapsulates what is so fundamental about death metal simple fun. While taking heavy influence from a cannibal corpse, its very cartoony horror. it reminds me of an evil dead in the sense that the mindless violence is a way to scare and shock as a way to entertain rather than prove a point. Many references like influences of video games quake and doom on songs like necrobionics (even having a slight reference maybe to the sega genesis game "altered beast" with "It's Time​.​.​.​To Rise From the Grave"), Romero and Fulci movies, cannibal corpse, body horror, scifi, and OH zombies. lots of zombies.

I don't have anything much else to say as I want you to go into this band blind and ready for anything, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO It's Time​.​.​.​To Rise From the Grave ITS SO GOOD. Its one of my favorite Death Metal releases this year.

Undeath is on prosthetic records.

I hope this list helped you find some new bands.

Love you

Bye.

-Rose

[makeste]

BnHA Smash!! 01 and 02: Smash!!Might is a Fucking Menace

okay, so. I have about a million other things I should be doing instead, including (1) responding to asks and/or finishing in-progress metas, (2) reading Vigilantes, and last but not least, (3) actually making a dent in the ever-increasing backlog of Actual Work That I Really Should Be Doing Instead.

so naturally I’m procrastinating by taking my first stab at reading BnHA’s cute 4-panel omake spinoff series, BnHA Smash!! IT JUST MAKES SENSE. look, I have exactly one thing I felt like actually doing and not procrastinating today, so I might as well do the thing. basically it’s my attention span’s world and I’m just living in it.

anyway! so apparently this series was scanlated by good ol’ Fallen Angels. that’s right; prepare yourselves for some very creative cursing, fellas. other background info for anyone who, like me, is unfamiliar with this spin-off: this series debuted on November 9, 2015, a little over a year after the original series. said original series was currently at chapter 66, meaning the Final Exam arc was just wrapping up.

so now that we’re all properly oriented, let me go over a few disclaimers real quick and then we’ll get started!

all comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity afterward, and added a few ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.

I’m aware that not everyone may be familiar with Smash!! even if they’ve read/watched the original series, so I’ve tried to make this recap comprehensible even if you haven’t read the spin-off. that being said, it’s probably more enjoyable if you have, so you can either purchase the first volume from Viz here, or read the chapter online (I don’t want to link directly, but the spin-off is available on most of the usual sites. literally just google “read mha” and you’ll find some good options).

this readthrough contains a handful of sorta-kinda spoilers for the BnHA manga, although there are no direct spoilers. just an indirect reference to a joke in chapter 242, as well as a reference to a theory which as of now is in no way canon. but just to be on the safe side I’m posting a heads-up.

and I think that’s it! so here we go.

so we’re opening with a brief summary of the series. people have superpowers and shit’s nuts. you know the drill

there’s also a brief description of the way that the superhero economy works, complete with Mt. Lady’s employees unionizing and demanding better pay

...what

guys I keep staring at this and thinking that surely, SURELY it doesn’t say what I think it says. sidekick... what... manager??

you know what? Viz unfortunately doesn’t include this series as part of their subscription package (WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR, VIZ), but it does at least include a free preview of Smash, and I bet you that this, the first fucking page of the series, is a part of that preview. so... let’s see...

okay, see, this actually makes sense! so did the FA scanlating team collectively all have a fucking stroke?! just, what??

this is one of the reasons why I had difficulty reading Vigilantes too, tbh. those early chapter scans were, uh. but at least Vigilantes has a Viz scanlation too. I don’t want to spend 10 bucks just to read one volume of this, but we’ll see. anyways

so now there’s a strip about baby!Izuku watching his favorite clip of All Might saving one hundred people from a bus accident or whatever

lol Inko you should not have left your shrewdly calculating four-year-old son unattended omg

TWELVE MONTHS’ WORTH OF TEXTBOOKS HOW CAN THIS EAGER YOUNG MIND RESIST

and this is why you don’t leave your credit card info saved on the computer when you have kids. life lessons learned today

this is the first indicator we have ever had that baby!Izuku wasn’t perfect and was, in fact, capable of being a little shit and giving his mom plenty of gray hairs in his own special way. ngl, I fucking love it

also 12,800 yen is about $118 USD, which is honestly a really good deal for a year’s worth of textbooks. he got three boxes of books! I just googled the average cost of college textbooks, and the google article said the average student spends about $1200 a year. so this is a fucking steal tbh

OH MY GOD INKO HOW MANY TIMES MUST HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF BEFORE YOU LEARN

at least install a fucking adblocker ffs. you’re lucky quirk supplement ads are the worst of the ads he’s getting! PARENTAL CONTROLS

now we are cutting to a comic about baby!Izuku defending another boy from my problematic fave, as seen in page one of the original series!

lmaooo

I’m not clear on how much of this spin-off can actually be considered canon. my understanding is that it is Horikoshi-reviewed and approved, even though he doesn’t actually write it. but it’s obviously a humor series, so a lot of it is just going to be jokes. that being said, I think my approach is going to be “if it’s not completely ridiculous and doesn’t contradict the actual manga, go ahead and consider it canon”

(ETA: I might change this up after reading the first two chapters. most of these strips would have terrifying implications if they were actually canon sob.)

anyhoo, this actually does contradict the manga in that we saw this encounter play out very differently. but I kind of wish it was canon regardless because looool. these cocky preschoolers and their fucking Battle Tears

the next comic is Mt. Lady accidentally stepping on a guy’s face and the guy being way too fucking happy about it (read: having a fucking nosebleed and taking an upskirt shot). we’re just going to skip this entirely. this is another problem I was having with Vigilantes too. you know, for all my complaints about Mineta and such, BnHA as a whole is so much tamer than it could be, and I need to give Horikoshi credit for that. he mostly knows where to draw the line, and to his credit he’s also much, much better about this kind of thing than he was when he first started. maybe Mineta’s standings in the character poll results are helping to clue him in

anyway, I’ll mostly just skip past the iffy stuff because I don’t have patience for it and there’s still plenty of other stuff to cover. so on to the next strip

which features a bunch of reporters fawning over Mt. Lady’s flashy quirk while Kamui Woods laments in the shadows

and yet we know this kid will have a prominent rise within the next six months. it’s so strange to revisit the start of the series and see how much things have changed in such a short time

oh my god

no one who dresses up as a giant mushroom could possibly have good intentions. I. just

and look at the fucking disappointment in Deku’s eyes. KAMUI WOODS HE BELIEVED IN YOU!

now some strange man is coming up to Deku and is all HEY YOU, YOU’RE A HERO OTAKU, TELL ME WHAT TO BUY MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. better not ask him unless you’re prepared to shell out $120 bucks for some fucking textbooks

hey, what!!

WE DIDN’T EVEN GET TO SEE WHAT HE BOUGHT HIM? unless it’s the action figure the kid appears to be holding? but I’m just going to go ahead and assume Izuku recommended the number one best gift that any seven-year-old child would love, i.e. a giant sword

now it’s a sludge monster omake!

so Izuku is trudging home all depressed after CERTAIN INCIDENTS, and Sludgey is glooping his way out of a sewer towards him

oh no All Might

my biggest takeaway from this is the fact that the entire second half of chapter one takes place after All Might has emerged from a fucking sewer. I forgot all about that somehow. or maybe it never fully processed until just now. but omg. this entire chapter must have smelled so fucking bad. these poor kids

wow All Might

sure called that one wrong. ah well nobody’s perfect

looooool

lmao, Smash!!All Might appears to be quite a bit more vain than the original. wow dude

btw, friendly reminder (and I think this is something that was actually pointed out to me after one of the recaps; that’s one of my favorite things about doing these) that All Might, after saving Deku, actually read his notebook before signing it. super-fast, I guess, because he’s the best. but yeah, so he knew exactly how smart and observant Deku was, and how much he wanted to be a hero. his decision to pick him as his successor didn’t just come out of the blue; even before the “my body moved on its own” thing, there was a lot Deku had going in his favor. this is one of those little details of which BnHA has so many, and which I love

lmao what the fuck

ngl this version of the series would have been amazing in its own way. but yeah. so this is why we clearly can’t assume everything in Smash!! is canon lol. but I can already tell I am going to enjoy the shit out of this series

now we’re cutting to Deku running at Sludgey in order to save Kacchan, oh shit. the most dramatic part of chapter one. clearly no moment is sacred

sob what

I don’t understand this strip at all. is this supposed to be a serious moment inserted unexpectedly among this multitude of joke strips? or did I miss the punchline? heeeeelp

(ETA: okay so. my best guess is that All Might wrote all over Deku’s life-saving advice, and so the joke is that Deku no longer knows what to do when assaulting sludge men because HIS NOTES ARE RUINED. idk. what does 25 P mean??)

now All Might has Done The Thing and saved my boys, and now Mt. Lady is helping with the cleanup. scooping up all the bits of sludge and putting it in trash bags

oh my god

nope nevermind. nope. nope

-- shit. okay, you know what? this first chapter has been a real in-your-face reminder of the fact that the sludge monster was not made of cute sparkly 2018-trending-fad slime, but was in fact composed of RAW FUCKING SEWAGE. (ETA: to be clear, I’m pretty sure the joke in this strip is that she accidentally picked up dog-doo during her clean-up. but still, the fact that it was indistinguishable from the rest of the gunk speaks for itself.) I think I forced myself to gloss over this fact originally due to the nope factor. but just. Izuku and Katsuki were both choking to death on this shit?? and just, how the fuck did they make it out of this not traumatized

and also, like. All Might was straight up going to leave Izuku alone afterwards, just, “well enjoy your autograph, fine citizen” and blasting off out of there. and everyone fucking saw Katsuki almost suffocate to death later on, and after giving him a pat on the back they fucking let him go off on his own too? and you can’t even make the argument that this was Just Another Day In Quirk Society either, because more than a year later, Katsuki is still a bona fide fucking celebrity from the media coverage of his attack. it clearly was not something that happens every day. in conclusion, these kids are resilient as fuck, and thank god for that because people apparently just do not give a shit, holy christ

anyway. at least Mt. Lady had gloves

OH MY GOD

I FUCKING KNEW IT OH MY GOD. THE ROIDS. MUSCLES LIKE THAT DON’T JUST GROW ON TREES, I DON’T CARE HOW MANY LBS OF GARBAGE THIS KID HAULED OFF THE BEACH. THIS BOY BEEN HITTIN THE JUICE

Smash!!Might is so fucking shady omfg. probably sells cheap counterfeit electronics on Amazon

oh shit and that’s the end of the fucking chapter lol. that’s it?? that was only eight pages. fuck it, let’s read another. but first here’s Horikoshi’s note on the spin-off

so he really feels that Neda gets the spirit of the series and understands him. that’s very encouraging. the best spoofs and parodies are done out of love. I really think I’m going to enjoy this series

so! onward to chapter two

so here’s All Might dressed as Mr. 2 Bon Clay from One Piece, I guess??

“you know what’s funny? dressing a man in girl’s clothes LOL.” guys can we grow the fuck up. and also acknowledge that All Might can look good in anything, so this questionable gag wouldn’t have even landed anyway. you work that tutu All Might

lmao check out the past users of OFA here

All for One for All theory fucking confirmed lol. just look. that’s him in the back of the conga line. clearly

so Deku is all “hell yes why would I possibly say no??” but then

HIS LIMBS. lmao. sign here

in all seriousness, given the shit this kid has been through since the part of the series, All Might probably should have gotten him to sign a liability waiver of some sort. not that it would have stood, since Deku is underage! anyways Deku you totally have grounds to sue the shit out of the Symbol of Peace should you ever choose to do so. and the trend of Smash!!Might being shady af continues yes please give me more I love it

so now All Might is giving Deku his fitness plan which has a really elaborate name

given that this is Smash!!Might, I can’t help but wonder if this plan is in actuality some sort of MLM scheme. All Might are you trying to get Deku to do Herbalife

lol what in the fuck

the original series skipped right over a hell of a lot, it would seem. like the time Deku traveled to Arizona and fought coyotes in a poncho

I’m starting to suspect that Neda-sensei might be on some sort of substance. “let’s see what jokes can I make about chapter 2 of BnHA. I know, I’ll send the protagonist to a fictionalized version of the American Southwest in a sombrero, and then turn him into a 65-year-old oil tycoon.” naturally

lmao that’s really it, that’s the strip. moving right along. okay??

now Izuku is staring at the intimidating piles of Beach Trash and is all “I HAVE TO PICK ALL THIS SHIT UP?”

omg Deku no

somebody call Marie Kondo. Deku none of this is salvageable. not even to reuse in a color page photoshoot spread four years from now

OH SHIT

PROVED ME WRONG OH SNAP. SHOWED ME RIGHT WHERE I COULD PUT THOSE SASSY TAKES. MY BAD DEKU I’M SORRY

anyways I don’t know what Smash!!Might is so upset about. he probably wove some kind of clause into the contract Deku signed that allows him a percentage of the profits. unless Deku already spent it all on textbooks

what the fuck is this fucking series lmao

time for a round of “what is All Might casually crushing in this panel?” is it (a) a cardboard box, or (b) like, a mini-fridge or some fucking shit. IT COULD BE EITHER. IT MAKES EQUALLY AS MUCH SENSE EITHER WAY. “HEROES THESE DAYS ARE [FLEEEEEEX] OBSESSED WITH BEING FLASHY” 

holy shit no wonder he ran away to the Sierra Nevada. it’s only a matter of time before this freak fucking kills someone

NOW WE’RE CUTTING AWAY TO KAMUI WOODS DRESSED LIKE A DAFFODIL, IN THE SAME FUCKING COMIC STRIP, BECAUSE REASONS

my jokes about the mangaka being high as a fucking kite when he wrote this are gradually becoming less jokes and more serious inquiries??

lol so he coincidentally just stumbled across All Might and Deku at this exact moment

AND IT WAS A FUCKING REFRIGERATOR OH MY FUCKING GOD

do you guys remember during the final exam when All Might beat the everloving shit out of Deku and Kacchan, and everyone was all “JESUS CHRIST WOULD YOU LEARN TO FUCKING HOLD BACK A LITTLE THEY ARE CHILDREN YOU MANIAC.” but now we can see plain as day that he was, in fact, holding back. anyways Smash!!Might is terrifying as shit and if this had been the main series I would have already pegged him as the final villain by this point

here he is now wearing an old-timey bathing suit but looking more like an escaped convict than anything else

this panel is actually canon. I’ve decided. this 100% definitely happened at some point. especially the swimsuit

now two bikini babes are walking up and they’re all “IS THAT ALL MIGHT??” with excited sparkly eyes because they don’t know that he’s actually a deranged con artist who crushes refrigerators like empty soda cans. this spin-off has truly opened my eyes

LOOK AT THIS SKEEVY FUCK. JUST LOOK

AND NOW HE’S RUNNING OFF AND LEAVING DEKU TO DROWN IN EXHAUSTION, SON OF A

“SUDDEN BUSINESS” KSJLDKF SMASH!!MIGHT IS A FUCKING MENACE TO SOCIETY AND ALSO DOES NOT GIVE ONE SINGLE FUCK. NOT ONE!! HE’S OUT THERE FUCKLESS, AND NO ONE IS SAFE

now Deku is approaching his mom all serious and says he wants to change up his diet

and she’s looking at the menu he prepared all impressed and thinking that she might join him. as long as it’s for your health, Inko. if this manga starts making jokes about your weight, I will beat it over the head with Deku’s textbooks

OMFG

THIS WENT IN THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION I WAS EXPECTING, AND THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I’VE EVER READ WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. the whole fucking family is on the juice. and the fucking mangaka is on some special juice of his own oh my stars

now we’re cutting to Mt. Lady stomping on a car

thank fuck no one was actually in there. also does she not wear shoes

and also, it only just occurred to me that she must be another person with a special quirk costume, because her suit shrinks and expands along with her. Hagakure and Momo are really getting shafted by the costume design team here. they need to fire some people

anyway so Mt. Lady slipped on this carelessly placed vehicle and fell down and crushed an entire building whoops

bruh, you think you’re “ow.” let’s hope that building was empty too

and now she’s toppling another building just fucking because, I guess. and saying she can’t do urban areas

lmao and now the sidekick [CENSORED] manager from chapter one is back to guilt-trip her omg

I need this man to show up in every freaking chapter. please. respect my wishes

and now Izuku is standing on top of his collected pile of garbage screaming in victory

I only just realized that there’s still a big old Pile O’ Trash on this beach, though. someone needs to haul all of this junk away. or else get All Might and Mt. Lady to crush it all with a combined effort

oh shit here it comes y’all, the famous “eat my hair” scene. potential comedy gold right here omg

lol what the fuck

this man is a fucking billionaire and he’s out here clipping coupons and deleting pictures of his son in order to make room for them smdh

okay now we’re doing the hair scene

oh. oh no. I know where this is going sob please keep this comic rated PG for the children Neda

motherfucker they really --

Smash!!Might is a straight-up felon. this man has no fucking scruples. that’s okay Midoriya-shounen, if you don’t want to eat my hair we could just try some REDACTED, jesus christ I am going to need some bleach for my eyes after this

OR LET’S JUST STRAIGHT UP GO THERE WHY NOT

lmao sob. well, two chapters in and we’ve established that no territory is off-limits here. it’s a brave new world. wow

 so that’s it! our introduction to BnHA Smash!! I enjoyed it a lot and I will definitely be reading more! I’m not sure what kind of schedule I’ll keep, but this is a really good procrastination manga thus far, so knowing me I might actually work my way through this relatively quickly. especially since the Manga At Large is on break this week. anyways my deepest apologies to the many people who have been requesting for me to start Vigilantes instead. I just need something lighter right now, and this is a good fit. one of these days I’ll get my shit together with the other two spinoffs as well.

[agameforgoodchristians]

A lukewarm, wretched, pitiable, poverty-stricken, blind, and naked loser. (Revelation 3:17)

tl:dr = You should Learn what ‘LUKEWARM’ MEANS AND then Stop being so God-damned ‘lukewarm.’ also,why aren’t you in the streets right now?

This card comes from John of Patmos’ message in the Book of Revelation to the church located in Laodicea. It is the last church addressed of the seven churches of Asia Minor that appear in Revelation 2-3. From the start, let us be clear that we are not going to delve into the end-times, conspiracy theories over these letters. We know they exist. We were weened on them as children. We grew up and read a book or two, including the Bible.

What is important of note at this juncture is that is the only one of the seven churches for which nothing good is said. This is the “lukewarm” church in danger of being spit out of God’s mouth (Rev 3:15-16). But more on that later. Right now we want to show the connection to a figure important to the story of this church: a man named Archippus.

Archippus Who?

While Church tradition names him as possibly one of the 70 disciples Jesus sent out in Luke 10:1-16, Archippus is only mentioned twice in the Bible. At the beginning of Philemon (1:2) he gets a typical, “say ‘h'i’ to that guy” from Paul, but in Colossians 4:15-16, Paul gets a little more personal writing:

Give my greetings to the brothers and sisters in Laodicea, and to Nympha and the church in her house. And when this letter has been read among you, have it read also in the church of the Laodiceans; and see that you read also the letter from Laodicea.

Then in vs 17 he drops:

And say to Archippus, “See that you complete the task that you have received in the Lord.”

Imagine being Archippus at this moment. A letter from the great apostle Paul is being read among the congregation. You hear your name mentioned. Your head pops up, chest puff out for a second, and then you hear everyone hear Paul tell you to suck less and do the work you’ve been given to do (an admonishment no one else ever got in any of the Pauline letters).

Translations and interpretations of what Paul meant abound. We are a bit partial to how Wuest formulated it: “be ever keeping a watchful eye upon the ministry which you received in the Lord, that you discharge it fully.” The Ye Olde King James Version of the Bible (KJV) employs the phrase “take heed.” We like it, so we’ll be using it as a shorthand from here on out.

At its core, the Greek for “take heed” means to literally or metaphorically turn towards something, and to have intimate empirical knowledge of something because of use; to understand, weigh maturely, and consider in a very specific way. This is born out in its usage in other New Testament Scripture (e.g. Mt 5:28 & Eph. 5:15-21). Thus, Paul is calling to Archippus’ specific attention to complete some task, and Paul has publicly charged the community to push him toward its completion. Cool, but what does this have to do with our card from the Book of Revelation?

According to Tradition, Archippus was the first bishop of Laodicea. He helped start the church there and, by varying accounts, was later martyred during a pagan feast in Colossae where, along with Philemon and Apphia, their home was raided, they were captured, tortured, whipped, stoned, and then stabbed to death by children holding nails. It’s assumed that taking up the call to ministry was what Paul was telling Archippus to do. And even though it had dire consequences, he sacrificed to do the will of God.

So how did his church end up so “lukewarm” and God-damned (not a swear: we mean that literary)?

The Comfort of Laodicea

Laodicea (in modern Turkey) was initially a church-plant from the Christian community in Colossae. The Christians who lived in Laodicea resided in the center of one of the great economic powerhouses in the Roman empire.

Laodicea was a regional hub. The most important thoroughfare for trade and culture of the day—the road running east to west from Ephesus to Syria—ran through Laodicea. Another less-important, but pretty snazzy road also ran from north to south through the city. Laodicea was also an important clothing manufacturing center for the region. Not only did they cultivate and breed a strain of sheep whose wool was highly sought, they were also able to mass produce relatively inexpensive clothing and widely distribute it (they were Versace and Wal-Mart at the same). In addition, Laodicea was an academic and medical center for the region, boasting a prestigious medical school, as well as the production and sale of Phygarian Powder, an eye salve which was exported around the Greek world, and heralded by the likes of Galen and Aristotle.

As a result of these factors and others, Laodicea was the banking and financial center of the region, and one of the wealthiest cities in the ancient world. So much so, that emperors were known to cash their checks there. An anecdote illustrates the level of Laodicean wealth: In 61 CE, an earthquake struck the region devastating everything. As a part of the Roman Empire, the Laodiceans were entitled to a government bail-out to help them rebuild this important cog in the economic machinery. The people of Laodicea did not want to be seen as beholden to the central Roman government. They were so rich, and so proud, that they pooled their resources and rebuilt without any assistance, creating a city more fabulous than it was before.

In short, the Christian community living in Laodicea were in very secure and comfortable place. But just like Archippus, they are the only church to receive an admonishment from John of Patmos, with nothing good being said about them (the others that got crapped on at least got a small pat on the back first). The ironic tragedy: the very things that they took pride in are the things that John says are holding them back from doing the work they were given to do.

A Message to the “Lukewarm” Church

“And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the origin of God’s creation:

I know your works; you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were either cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

For you say, ‘I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing.’ You do not realize that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. Therefore I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire so that you may be rich; and white robes to clothe you and to keep the shame of your nakedness from being seen; and salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.

I reprove and discipline those whom I love. Be earnest, therefore, and repent.”

~ Revelation 3:14-19

Some Sunday School lessons (and Sunday morning sermons) of this story, import a “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” mentality: Some things are too hot, some things are too cold, but the middle is juuuussssst riiiiiight! Apparently these people can’t read (but they teach our young and our adults. Cool. Cool. Cool.) Just as incorrect, some teach that ON FIRE CHRISTIANS are “good” and COLD-HEARTED CHRISTIANS are bad, again showing a lack of reading comprehension (but a good use of metaphoric thinking, so points for that). However, they fail to see that the metaphors could be changed: “hot” Christians are “backsliders” and “apostates” on their way to HELL! “Cold” Christians will be “chilling” in the clouds above with the Father. Whatever. Our metaphor doesn’t have to work because our point is that this line of thinking completely ignores both the biblical text and the geographic realities that they are based on. In addition to the other historical features mentioned above,

an aqueduct that ran from a hot spring in Hierapolis, cut through Laodicea on the way to Colossae.

This is the source of the famous, though often misunderstood/misinterpreted passage. The hot spring at Hierapolis was healing; the cold waters at Colossae were refreshing. Both are good. Good. Not one good, the other bad. Both are good. However, The lukewarm sludge at Laodicea was pretty damn useless.

Which makes sense:

A critical writer can be effective in communicating her message if she is very hot or very cold to her subject—loves it or hates it—, but not in the middle. Some strong emotion must be felt or it is just a bland restatement of dry facts.

Meat in the freezer, good and safe. Meat, appropriately browned and finished off in the oven, good and safe. Meat, allowed to sit on your counter all day and then snacked on, God bless.

While some people love hot coffee, others iced coffee, but only a freaking monster loves a cup of tepid, room temperature, congealed, decaffeinated garbage. There is a revolting quality to those who are in this position, hence the illustration of being “spit out of the mouth.”

But how does a church community end up in this position? How does an individual? “Because you say I am rich, need nothing . . . blind, poor, wretched, naked, worthy of pity” (vs 17). John of Patmos takes direct aim at the things the city of Laodicea was best known for, the things that they took the most pride, security and comfort in. They are so far from the path that they are pitied by God, and admonished to find true wealth, clothing, and vision (vs 18). They are further admonished to “be earnest and repent,” to take heed, and change, before it is too late (vs 19).

And Here We Are

We write our Card Talks in a (relatively) timeless manner. Meaning, years from now, other than a few topical touchstones and pop culture references, the message should be unambiguous and clear without relying on contemporary tropes, people, events, or issues. At times we purposefully break this rule and write about things completely wrapped up in where we are. Right now we hope that this post is an example of that: a post that will make no sense in the future.

This Card Talk is being written in the midst of racial unrest in the United States. In recent days:

Ahmaud Arbery, an unarmed Black man, was chased down by two white men and shot to death for jogging through the neighborhood. The prosecuting attorneys refused to act until after the video of the murder was released to the public.

Breonna Taylor, an unarmed Black woman, was murdered in her home, in her own bed, when police executed a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night, without announcing themselves. They then arrested her boyfriend for “attempted murder” for defending them against the intruders. It is doubtful that the officers will face any criminal charges.

Christian Cooper, an unarmed Black man, survived a white woman’s attempt to weaponize the police to intimidate or murder him. He had asked her to leash her dog in a public park. She called the police, screaming in increasing hysterics, saying she was being attacked, while Christian recorded her lies from a safe distance.

George Floyd, an unarmed Black man, was crushed to death by four police officers—two kneeling on his back, one on his throat, and one keeping onlookers at bay. After crying out for help, saying he couldn’t breathe, that he was dying, he gave up the ghost. The police continued applying pressure on his dead body for a while after. They had pulled him out of his car for allegedly using a counterfeit $20 bill at a store nearby.

We were going to include a list of the many, many, many others. But figured your eyes would just gloss over them. Just like they glossed over the descriptions we gave above, because you “already know” the stories.

But we hope future Bible nerds and lay people reading this post will look on these descriptions in shock and disgust. Not just at the horrors described, but at the very notion that such atrocities were common place. We hope that they will look at these events the was we (should) look at the (slightly) less government-sanctioned lynchings from only a few decades ago (“officially” ending in 1968). We hope this will be the case. But we have our doubts.

Such a change would require the Church in the United States to actually “take heed” to the ministry given by God to love and care for all of God’s children. The same Church who still (problematically) sings

“…red and yellow, black and white, they’re ALL precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.”

The same Church which seems happier, more content, when those red, yellow, and black children live in other countries which are not so “rich…prospered, and [in] need [of] nothing” as ours is. he Church, which will do mission-trips to ever corner of the world to spread clean water, the Word, or to simply do it for the ‘gram, seems to forget the people with similar skin tones here.

When will the Church in the United States realize how wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked we are when we deny the dignity of our sisters and brothers?

Look at this scene:

We don't know the full context of this photo. We don't know the people at the table or in the background. They could be you. And that's the point.

This image shows the division

in the Church right now:

On one side, in the streets, you see a racially and socioeconomically diverse group, taking action against injustice.

On the other, at the table, a homogeneous group wondering what all the fuss is about, desperately wanting not to be bothered, and hoping none of this will impact their plans. And, honestly, it makes us fucking sick.

Use your Sunday School training: where would Moses be, at the table or in the streets? What about David and Deborah? Jeremiah and Ezekiel’s crazy ass? John the Baptist, Peter, Paul, Archippus? Jesus?

And let’s be fair to the table sitters: maybe he’s scratching his head because he is genuinely confused or has been living under a rock. Maybe red hat is sympathetic to their cause, but was raised not to make too much noise, so she’s “with them in spirit.” Maybe green shirt is wanting to get up and join them, but is afraid of what arms-folding and giggling will think and say. We can’t know what is in everyone’s head. But we can make a simple request:

Get up from the damn table, OR spit the bread and wine from ouT OF YOUR mouth;

stop pretending you break bread with Jesus or his people.

Stop posting more about “looting” and “rioting” than the murders that presaged them. Stop pretending like you give a damn about the corporate interest of Target or the small business that have been destroyed when you didn’t comment on the families burying actual human beings. Stop defending, once again, a president or pundit because…you know what, screw your reasons. Just stop doing it: you make all of us look bad.

Wipe the excuses and lies from your eyes. Trust less in the comfort and security of your skin (yes, talking to you white people). Be the damn Church. “Take heed” of the ministry we have been given.

Or never open your mouth again in moral outrage ever again.

World without end.