#this is not about anyone on tumblr its about an irl family member so please don't worry

[stars-captain]

fuck anyone who has ever told us our ideas are only good when they align with their bullshit ideals

[b1adie]

ADRIENE ANGELVIRUS xxiv × mirror pronouns × aro lesbo

… or just adriene, or adri…

this is a sideblog, main is a secret ^_^

uid: 604304306 (north america)

SOME RULES;

please don’t send me fetish content, especially if you are on anon, a minor, or have no age listed. tbh don’t send me any nsfw unless you’re an adult and i’ve asked

i would appreciate if you could avoid tagging my posts with anything like ‘daddy/mommy’ even in a joking way, unless you are using it only as a parental term. keep in mind that i’m a real guy and have to see all of your tags…

don’t comment sinophobic stuff on my posts (ie. “they’ll never make a gay relationship canon because its a chinese game” etc). don’t do any bigoted stuff really but thats the one i’ve mainly seen

if you want to repost some of my stuff, if it’s just a text post edited onto a pic, credit isn’t required (but still appreciated)! if it’s anything more complex, please do credit me, preferably with a link back to the original post. i spend way longer on my silly little edits than you’d expect.

you’re welcome to dm me, but please keep in mind that we start off as strangers, so something you think is funny could be misconstrued as rude or confusing on my end. tone indicators are absolutely fine to use if you’d like. conversely, feel free to ask me for clarification on anything you need, i don’t mind! i know i can be hard to read sometimes.

i’d also prefer you have an age (or at least age range or indicator like minor, 20+, etc) listed if you dm me, but obviously you don’t need to tell anyone anything. that’s just for my own personal comfort. i’m fine being friends with anyone, but a friendship with a high schooler would look a lot different than a friendship with someone around my own age.

if you make/find any art or content about worm theory you have to show it to me asap

FAQ;

(something about genshin impact or wuthering waves or zenless zone zero)

please send that to my genshin blog or my wuthering waves blog OR my zenless zone zero blog instead! (@nabumalikata + @threnodian + @nicoledemaras)

(any lore question)

if i know it i’ll go find the source for you. if i don’t know, you can ask anyway and there’s a good chance i’ll go hunt down some answers for you. i love lore. i know everything

how do you make your (edits/gifs/etc)?

for silly edits usually just picsart, but procreate for the more intense ones. gifs i use a yt downloader site, then capcut to edit, then ezgif. videos either splice or capcut. glitters i made a tutorial here, but like, my method is really complicated since i’m always on my phone, so there’s probably an easier way if you have a pc…

can you make a gif/edit/glitter of this?

probably! be specific with what you want— send me pictures or direct links if you can. requests are always open, just keep in mind i may not do every single one i get (but i do tend to do them all eventually).

why didn’t you answer my ask yet?

sometimes i see an ask pop up in my activity feed so i answer it right away. otherwise it has to wait til i decide to open my inbox. if it’s an ask that requires some time, like asking about lore or builds or opinions, it’ll probably take me longer to get to. i’m a busy guy, i work 13 hour shifts irl and have chronic hand tendonitis which makes typing hard. ofc if you’re worried tumblr ate your ask, you’re fine to send another, just please don’t be rude or pushy about it, i promise i’ll get around to it ^^;

(worm theory) actually the noblesse worm died because it had so much knowledge so ratio cant be—

he’s a new worm. aha’s second worm. and, the first worm didnt die because it had too much knowledge, it died because aha took its power away.

do you ship (xyz) / how do you feel about (ship)?

probably sure + fine. i can pretty much get behind anything, i’m a multishipper, fine with poly and switching and whatever. the exceptions are child x adult and shipping family members in a romantic or sexual way. 👎.

this thing you said was incorrect!

woops! it happens. bring a source if you’re gonna correct me though— not cuz i don’t believe you, but because i love being right and need to be right next time. if this is about a theory, though, well… sometimes theories dont turn out right. its not MY fault hsr wasn’t cool enough to make Something Unto Death the corrupted remnant of Mikhail’s soul. whatever… my theory is just better than canon

you tagged a post with (character) but they’re not in it!

ah man. i mass tagged everything and am gradually going back and fixing it… send me a link to the post and i’ll edit it!

i’ll add more as i think of it…

[caterpillarinacave]

"Send me a character" Matthew and Alastair.

favorite thing about them

Matthew is genuinely hilarious. Very fruity. Would leave my drink with him at a bar. He’s a very genuine person, and his banter with just about everyone is one of the most entertaining parts of TLH. 

least favorite thing about them

Mmm, I don't know? I really like him in the book, however I’m not sure how I’d get along with him in real life. He’s very… loud. 

brOTP

Naturally, James.

OTP

Idk, Matthew x Therapy? Matthew x Relaxing?

nOTP

Probably Matthew x Alastair. For one thing, Thomastair is forever and ever, for another I just don't like it. 

random headcanon

Matthew was one of those kids who just really wanted to be held. Or, rather he just wants to be a part of whats going on. Frankly, that worked out pretty well for him, as he could usually just sit with his father, or cling to an aunt or uncle. Spent half the time he was supposed to be in bed as a little kid trying to get into his parents room, because how is anyone supposed to sleep in a room all alone??? What if he missed something fun and important in the morning??? If hes a whole ten feet away, then who knows what adventures he might miss out on in the thirty seconds it takes him to cross the hallway? Travesty! 

 Yeah, he usually ended up back in his own room. 

unpopular opinion

I really don't want Cassie to put him in a relationship. I would much prefer if he had his healing without getting into a romantic situation. Personally, I like to believe he was the token single family member for several decades, then met a guy once he was like, 40, then went and lived on a beach somewhere. Living his best life. 

song i associate with them

I've actually got a playlist on him ___ . But Icarus by Bastille, and Shampain by Marina and the Diamonds leap to mind. 

favorite picture of them

Could not for the LIFE OF ME find the source, but I’m pretty sure this is by Cassandra Jean. If anyones got the source please, let me know. 

 I know this is James and Matthew arguing, but the lighting? The color? The expressions? Love it. 

favorite thing about them

He's just so pleasantly cynical. He definitely feels like someone you might meet IRL. His sibling role mixing with the “stand in father figure” is very interesting, and its very apparent throughout the books how much he genuinely, dearly, loves his family. His almost deadpan demeanor is straight up hilarious, and the thinly veiled romantic interest in Thomas, that very quickly turns into “lets have sex in this carriage” is a highlight of TLH.

least favorite thing about them

Uh, I don't know, he's a pretty solid character. Not much I don't like about him. 

brOTP

He and Cordelia are sibling super besties. She'd die for him, he'd die for her. Broskis. Besties. Love each other. Sibling goals. 

OTP

Thomastair, naturally. 

nOTP

Well, anyone who isn't Thomas. 

random headcanon

He cant cook for shit. He tried once, and did something simple successfully, which lulled him into a false sense of security. Thomas took him to a suite in London for a sort of honeymoon and Alastair tried to live out his aesthetic dreams by cooking. Pan is on fire. Apartment is on fire. Apartment building is on fire. The poor mundane police who can't really tell what's going on, but something feels super weird? On fire. Thomas decides he will do any future cooking. 

unpopular opinion

Alastair was in the wrong in Nothing But Shadows, and Matthew wasn't in the wrong for not wanting to like him. I see a lot of people on tumblr talk about how it's ridiculous that Matthew is mad at Alastair years later, because it's like “being mad at someone for a jab in highschool”. But the thing is it really isn't. This was Edwardian england. Theres few things more offensive than directly insulting your close family. On top of that, the shadhowhunter gossip chain (which, at that moment, involved Alastair.) was spitting directly on everything both Henry and Charlotte had ever done, and boy all boy did they do a lot. I genuinely have trouble thinking of anything Alastair could say that is worse than this.

 Obviously,  I love Alastair as much as everyone else. His behavior during his time at the shadowhunter academy is nothing more than a traumatized adolescent trying to make sense of the world. 

However, that doesn't mean he wasn't super out of line. Personally if I was Matthew, Alastair would have to grovel for my forgiveness, and even then I wouldn't be interested in forging a very close relationship.

song i associate with them

Actually got a playlist almost done for him, but “Gossip” by manskin nails his cynical, early tlh vibe and Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls is a Thomastair song from Alastairs POV fr. 

favorite picture of them

(Closest to original post I can find, the blog that first posted this doesnt seem to exist anymore https://theredcarstairs.tumblr.com/post/612828735833505792/tea-time .) Technically this is both Alastair and Cordelia, but nonetheless, its one of my favs. This or that one where Thomas and Alastair are staring at each other with nothing short of adoration. 

[bigstupiddummie]

making a post in the tags to “call out” a person is so dumb and childish and stupid, so i won’t put this in there. however, the admin of @wavehq is full lying on my name these days even though i haven’t talked to them or anyone else involved in there in like 6mos. and i rly want them to stop.

i don’t have my old discord account w ss. if anyone else has ss with me in them, u can add them to this post idc how ugly it makes me look. i talked a LOT of shit ( and pertaining to this story, about sel esp ) and called ppl some nasty names and any ss will incriminate me of that. so me talking shit isn’t a ‘gotcha’ anymore. i talked shit and called sel names, as well as k, and i know sel called me names, and im sure everyone else did too. whatevs.

yk what i never did ? i never made a “manifesto” about my ex friend, or priv-retweeted their personal ooc twitter account to mock them. i never helped create and work on an rpt blog, then went and consoled the person being mentioned in nasty messages in the blog on some “oh im so sorry this is happening to you ˙◠˙” shit when it was them the whole time. the worst i did was “fuck her, he’s a cunt, fuck them”, but dream, you lied to me a Lot!

and you’re lying in defending yourself by saying i “heavily hate” sid or anyone. i never have, never did, never will. the last thing i said to sid in like July was “hey, heres my ooc tiktok, im deleting discord. if i never hear from you again, take care.” and then i left rp and the rpc entirely. haven’t talked to or even perceived any of you in months.

you want to believe i’m “bringing this up now” to start stuff or something, but what stakes do i have in any of this? you and yours drove me out of the hobby i’ve loved since i was 12, used an rpt blog to force me to defend myself against your ugly claims at a time you Knew well and good i was absent and dealing with a family death ( and then came in my dms to comfort me ??? you and k both. ) . i lost all of my best friends of several years. trust me, i want no part of the rpc anymore. i don’t want back in. i don’t want to engage. this is a nothing tumblr account that ill never use again. consider, instead, that another person close to the situation and i shared similar experiences and realized there were too many untruths and inconsistencies to let it rest, rather than just ‘starting stuff’ to start stuff.

“sid says steph crops screenshots to make them look incriminating” aye , but i definitely gave my entire discord login out, more than once, and encouraged my friend at the time to go ahead and look for themselves ( they declined at the time. i can still give the login i really do not care. though idk if the login will work anymore bc the accounts been deactivated for, uh, 6 months.) i cropped ss where earthp members were telling me how K is making them uncomfortable and how they were worried lenny was being dragged around by K, that i did do. and i STILL let k know that that’s what they were saying. i can’t stress enough ive got Nothing here that im fighting for i just think its ugly to lie for so long to everyone

“steph heavily hates sid” i do not. note the last thing i said to sid, up there ^. we did follow each other on tiktok then, and then we didn’t speak for 6 months. as of this morning, we are no longer tiktok mutuals - so it goes. sid never owed me anything. i don’t hate them. they know ( and yk what, so do my irl work managers!!! bc this shit affected my actual real mental health!!! ) that the day things went down, i left work early sobbing full blown emotional episode, writing paragraphs in desperation, to the point of overwhelming them and myself. i loved them dearly, called them my ‘spouse’ and best friend everyday, etc. though i don’t know now if they knew more about you than they let on. anyway……. please don’t just be declaring shit about me like it’s fact ?? i don’t hate anyone. not even you dream! just stop lyinggggg i hate that

ye all made me feel like i was crazy and losing myself in my own paranoia omg??? and ye were in your private chats afterward going “well deserved!!!” who even are you what did i do to you omgggg are we not in our late 20s with lives and careers ?????

if this is all bc of heddie/reddie and avengefm ? its ships dude it’s dolls it’s not real and to commit so much energy and emotion to lying to protect ur ships/rps is troubling at best. and if its not about heddie/reddie, then i haven’t a NOTION bc you and i, even when we were friendly w each other, were not close enough to create a bond to break??? i didnt do anything to you but welcome you into my writing spaces and engage in yours to the best of my ability. i was transparent with you when my activity struggled or i needed a break for mental health reasons… but what you had done with your friends is what ruined my mental health ?… go figure ….

i know who was behind that blog because they came clean and told me your connection to it as well. i know sel said nasty things about me too - we’re human and humans love talking shit. but no one else ever took it as far as you did, dream.

i don’t want anything from you! just stop lying on my name i don’t “heavily hate” anyone. outside of my shit talking from 6mos ago, i haven’t said a word against anyone but yourself; i’ve called you a liar, here in this post, because that is what i believe you are.

nobody in my entire life brings up what happened in everwell more than you and k. i owned up to every part i had ( whether directly or by my unavailability, all of it ), i deplatformed and cut out my two best friends ( people i had had in my HOME and had met IRL they were real people to me!!!!! ) and apologized personally to everyone affected, while picking out a funeral outfit and consoling my crying family. these are all my cards on table. you don’t have to respond either. just omg quit lying about me and the way i feel and what my intentions are - if a mf wants to know what im thinking and feeling, they can just Ask me.

and k i don’t want anything from you either! your names in this post because you were involved, and you know your involvement with that blog and how you also came to console me after. outside of that, i do not think of you and do not care what you think of me.

sid, i don’t want anything from u all either and i meant it when i said if i never hear from you again, take care bc i did care for u lots and also invited you into my home bc you were a real person to me. just know for a fact that anything dream says i’m saying about you or feeling toward you is just pulled out of thin air for whatever reason.

i always thought ye all were great writers!!! and so did snags and lex, way back when it was about writing for the love of writing. i would say all the time “omg dream is so funny” “omg k is cracking me up”, and they’d agree. hell if they’re at all in the rpc anymore and see this - hey guys! sorry shit got so ugly. you’ll never guess who was behind it.

i left the rpc and got mental help. i hope ye can get some help too.

* this is dream bringing sel into the Issues and tying her directly to k, btw. you keep saying you didn’t bring sel into the k stuff, but “they’re besties” “she and sel” “they want peach to drop eddie so sel can pick up eddie” this is where we’re getting that from, bc you keep saying you only referenced sel’s activity and didn’t connect her to k at all. i cropped out sids response. i can add it if need be but it’s just sid believing you.

this is where i’m pulling what im referencing in this post from. the second half is censored bc it doesn’t have to do with me.

this is me texting my irl work manager on the day sid and i last spoke. i was distraught and emotional and crying but ok yeah i “heavily hate” sid when the way everything went down broke me to bits OKAYYY

the censored names are the names of my irl managers like it was So Serious so don’t try putting words in my mouth about sid.

[asmo-ds]

Hey, I know your favorite brother is Asmo (correct me if I'm wrong there) but sence you're a prevalent member of the obey me fandom and have contributed alot to it, I'd like to know your feelings of the whole Mammon situation going on in places like Amino, Tumblr, and sometimes Instagram. Basically, if you didn't know, there are some people saying that Mammon is a character nobody should like because he's a bad person, annoying, a scummy person, a harmful black stereotype (though he's kinda a demon without an ethnic background on Earth. I'm not black so I can'treally speak on that though), ect.

I get that some people don't like Mammon, and that's cool, but it's a little weird to go about it like this

Mammon is my favorite brother and I've gotten a few messages about how that makes me toxic (two on Amino and one on Instagram I think) and I've seen a few post about it scattered around. This also happened to one of my online friends and one or two creators I know. It isn't a huge deal but I thought it'd be cool to get another perspective on it. I also don't know if alot of people really know that this is a thing a small portion of the fandom is doing so sorry if this came out of nowhere lmao. It's kinda similar to how some people attack Belphie stans, though from what I've heard that's actually going down as a general trend

Oh boy, I don’t have any fan accounts that I use on any apps other than this one, so this is news to me. 

I personally don’t believe Mammon is a black stereotype, but I am white so my views aren’t as accurate as someone who IS ethnic and DOES have to deal with stereotypes like the ones that may or may not be portrayed in Mammon’s character.

I think that he is scummy but he doesn’t have control over that and he genuinely seems like he (as well as the other brothers) is trying to change for MC so they can be happy. Not to mention hating on someone for just being straight up annoying is cruel.

Mammon is a demon and we all recognize that and understand he doesn’t have the best morals, but that being said he is a fictional character and as long as his personality/treatment of MC doesn’t make its way into someone's irl relationships then it isn’t really hurting anybody I think.

All of the brothers constantly are consumed by their sin and nobody really recognizes it in that family and they all assume Mammon is the worst of them all and deserves to be the punching bag for all of them to hide their own self-hatred towards their own sins. 

IDK if any of this made sense tbh I’m half asleep but these are just my thoughts and I’m not very educated on the matter so if there is further information anyone wants me to know before forming an opinion, please lmk!

Love u all stay safe <3

[clownbeep]

You know what? Screw it. Ive been hiding too long and im just so tired. I dont like making posts about me/my situation because I have a habit of oversharing and hating myself for it

Im gonna come out and say it. Ive been having trouble for a few years accepting myself. I hate myself for it and its easier to pretend it isnt a problem and that im fine but well..

Im trans

(He/him) as of now if you please, im terrified of posting this because I know there is a small possibility my family members will find it. But im tearing myself apart trying to act like ik fine otherwise.

Im shaky and nervous typing this but I really need a safe place to talk about this. I dont have anyone irl to talk to so its difficult.

Sorry to make a long ranty post about this but ive never publicly said anything and this is sort of my way of preparing to come out in the future.

So yeah.. <3 to you all and sorry for so many off topic posts, ill be back to talking about aizawas meaty man thighs soon ~~

(And shoutout to a certain friend on here who has helped me through a lot of shit lately, you know who you are <3 )

(I may delete this in the future for my own safety/if anyone I know hears of my tumblr)

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[thegreymoon]

Hi I have been a fan of your work for a very long time and so I sneak into your tumblr from time to time.I counldnt help but notice that you post a lot of political/sjw stuff and I know it is none of my business but since I am probably absolutely opposite in my political views I can't help myself and ask: I understand that you are Asian, but you don't seem to be interested in real or imagined injustices in your country/continent and are mainly interested in USA, why is that?

Hi, anon!

First of all, I am not Asian and I’m very sorry if I ever did or said anything to mislead people into thinking that I was. It was unconsciously done. I have no intention of offending anyone or appropriating an identity that isn’t mine, so if I did something of that sort, please let me know and I’ll do my best to correct myself. I often reblog stuff about China because I think it’s an amazing country, I’m learning Mandarin (not making much progress, though), love their culture, nature, architecture and am a big fan of their historical/fantasy dramas. Also, the two fandoms I was the most active in (coincidentally) happen to be a Japanese anime and a Japanese video game, so I have a lot of love for their art and aesthetics.

I’m actually very surprised that you would ‘notice’ that I post a lot of ‘political/sjw stuff’, considering that I mostly use Tumblr to repost Merlin gifs, cast/crew news and fanworks. There is maybe one reblog on just about anything else for every fifty (perhaps even more) Merlin posts, so I really have to wonder which of the RL issues I posted about bothered you so much that you would describe them as ‘a lot’.

I may be misinterpreting the tone of your ask, so forgive me if I misread your intentions and am responding too harshly, but in my experience, ‘SJW’ is a term that is used to be dismissive when people are talking about real social issues, plus I found your wording of ‘imagined injustices’ very… interesting.

Also, I find it odd that somebody would unironically ask me why I’m ‘mainly’ interested in the USA.

First of all, the global market is oversaturated with American media, American products, American news, American movies, TV series, music, you name it. It’s everywhere. Of course I’m going to know more about it than, say, Lichtenstein. The exposure of American public figures is insane and it just happens that the stuff that appears on my dash is most often related to the USA because that is what the people I follow also follow (and for the record, on Tumblr, I mainly follow the Merlin fandom and to a somewhat lesser degree, various artists, baby animals, Chinese traditional outfits, Buzzfeed and NASA news). I absolutely do reblog pure evil, injustices, hypocrisy and intentionally inflicted misery in other countries too when I see them, but I don’t actively go looking for them on Tumblr, just like I don’t actively look for the USA posts either. The USA posts are simply there, without much active input from me, while other countries are not. An important point, of course, since we are having this weird discussion about why a random person outside of the USA is consuming so much American media, is that English is the only foreign language I am fluent in, so when it comes to foreign content, I am primarily going to read and interact with posts in English. And which country creates the most content in English? Yup, you guessed it!  

On a similar note, everything that happens in the USA affects other countries too. Nothing that goes on there takes place in a vacuum and the USA has made damn sure that it has its fingers in each and every single pie all over the world. Everything, the good and the bad, spills over and trust me, we feel the effects acutely in my unstable, politically fraught little country. The economic and cultural implications are enormous, so you can bet American issues are very personal for me, even if I don’t live there. My country’s government consists of puppets in the hands of various world leaders playing tug of war with actual human lives. My literal paycheck depends on the stability of the dollar. The survival of the entire human species hangs on how we deal with climate change right now and that ignorant, illiterate orange shitstain Americans voted into power is now standing on a global platform, spouting nonsense that is barely one step removed from Creationist bullshit and Flat-earther conspiracies. And you seriously ask me why I’m interested in the USA? 

The USA loves to dub itself as ‘the leader of the free world’ and ‘a global superpower’, and has managed to stick its nose into everybody’s business everywhere (usually with no good intentions), but somehow you question why the rest of us are now going to be interested in what is going on there, not to mention critical when the US government spouts absolute rubbish not just on a domestic, but also global scale? So, yes, I am personally invested in what is going down next in the USA and am sitting here, half the world across, cheering Americans on as they fight to have that shame they elected removed from power and, hopefully, incarcerated, along with all his corrupt cronies, advisors and family members. I’m going to be genuinely celebrating here when he finally goes down!

Secondly, I come from one of those countries that the USA and its allies have destroyed for their own gain and where they have ruined countless lives over multiple generations. I have every reason to notice, take a personal interest in and comment on the hypocrisy, the grandstanding and the false moral high ground that is assumed by the USA (and any of its bootlickers) when I see it.

For any of my USA followers here, I would just like to note that I am perfectly capable of distinguishing between ordinary people and disgusting government policies enacted by corrupt or incompetent politicians. I realise this post sounds angry, but I wish only good things for you all, people are people everywhere and the stuff I’m talking about is way above the average person’s paygrade. I also realise that the USA has screwed over so many of its own citizens; including its war veterans, PoC, minorities, the poor, the weak and the disabled. My heart goes out to you all, truly, and I love you all!

(BTW, I intentionally have not said which country I’m from because I’ve stopped publically stating my location online, simply because it makes it too easy for malicious people to identify me IRL that way. I don’t necessarily hide my RL identity if I have a valid reason to reveal my true name and location, but please forgive me for not stating it outright here, on a public platform, to satisfy the curiosity of an anon ask. My country is misogynistic, homophobic and hostile to all who are non-conforming and my job prospects are hard enough without my online pseudonyms being generally known in my RL circles. I used to be much less secretive about it, but have since learned the error of my ways and am now taking the most basic of precautions.)

With that said, yes, my country has issues! And, fyi, I have ranted and raged and cried about them before online, IRL and in private. I have posted about my country’s political problems everywhere, including here, when I was just too angry to hold it in because I’m absolute shit at being careful even when I make a conscious effort to be. Most recently, I raged about our elections which were a punch to the gut. If I was to start typing about the corruption, injustices and absolute evil going on around me, I would never stop, but I’m not going to do that because that’s not what I come to Tumblr for. This is primarily a fandom space, mostly for fandom stuff, where I come to look at other people’s things and almost never create content of my own. Just about anything political has been reblogged from someone else because it showed up on my dash and touched a nerve. Very little of that is stuff from my own country because nobody creates and reblogs posts about it in the fandom circle I mostly interact with.

I’m now trying to think back to what ‘SJW’ issues (as you put it) I reblog the most often and how any of them are ‘imaginary injustices’. Off the top of my head, the ones that usually touch a nerve are about the oppression and discrimination of women, patriarchy, sexism, various kinds of abuse, sexual assault, overworking, capitalist brainwashing, mental health issues, LGBTQ issues, freedom of speech, resurgence of Nazism, the gap between the rich and the poor, climate change and criminal religious institutions regaining power in society. I can assure you that none of these is ‘imaginary’ and the negative ways in which they affect me and the people around me are very, very real. Also, none of them is unique to the USA, which is what you seem to be the most concerned about, and even if the post is from or about the USA, these problems definitely overlap with things that I, and countless people around the world, are personally experiencing and have a lot of feelings about. The only social issues ‘unique’ to the USA that I often reblog are the ones related to the particular US brand of racism and the appalling, still-ongoing genocide committed against the indigenous people there, and how can you not empathise with that when it’s so egregious? I will reblog them every time they cross my dash to spread awareness since the US government is actively trying to stifle it and rewrite history and idc who is uncomfortable.

With all that said, I’m open to corrections and have no problem admitting to being wrong once I realise I’ve made a mistake. So, this goes for all the people following my blog: if any of the posts I shared are about ‘imaginary’ issues (just… wow at the use of this word) or contain false information, please feel free to let me know and I will take it under advisement. I’m always willing to learn.

[anghraine]

I’ve landed back in the spawning grounds.

- a mere six hour journey, which at this point seems very fast. the Gorge looks more beautiful by the day (SO GREEN), and happily was not the hurricane-y hell it can sometimes be

- the Columbia was not threatening the interstate, which is also nice

- SO MANY WATERFALLS, and Multnomah was gorgeous as ever

- spent several hours in the hospital with my grandfather, who (understandably) looks terrible, but we got him laughing

- one of our family members brought him a ‘congratulations on your retirement’ balloon, which is probably all you need to know about my family

- my uncle and aunt in Alaska wanted to send him a stuffed moose toy, but there’s a shortage of those in this corner of eastern Oregon, so my aunt here bought a stuffed bear and stuck tree branches on its head

- my grandfather is still mad at his sister over how she handled their mother’s will (though it’s really about the fact that his mother left him literally nothing, even though he and our family lived in penury to support her and he sent her all sorts of valuable books etc that she apparently sold)

- nobody quite knows how to say ‘um, you’re about to die...?’

- Grandma is hoping he lives another year or two. he’s being sent home for hospice tomorrow. I assume leaving him in the hospital to go on shopping trips is some form of denial

- Grandpa has been diabetic for forty years and rigorously kept it under control, though always expected it to take him in the end. It apparently has nothing to do with that at all! He and Grandma keep stressing about fucking with his blood sugar, but ... he has 10% of his heart, she says outright that it doesn’t really matter any more

- my grandmother has been talking with her sister, who is ten years older (~85), and they’re working through their CSA. it makes Tumblr discourse seem somewhat more abhorrently trivializing than usual

- my mother and I were talking about the horrifically racist treatment my dad went through in the Economically Anxious rural town we’re from, and Mother was like ‘the kids who bullied you over your dad were little monsters. though it really mattered more when they said ‘your dad is a lazy hippie’ than ‘your dad is a lazy Indian’ or ‘your dad is a lazy Mexican.’ No, Mama, it didn’t.

- I kind of hate everyone who goes on about how the dying inevitably Find Peace. My grandfather is terrified and emphatically does not want to die. He keeps forgetting things (‘we didn’t play any duets when you were here before’ when we played until my arms went numb) and after a long phone call with his favourite cousin started crying

- I’m actually being very pleasant to everyone irl and my heart breaks for my mother and uncles and aunts and grandmother and great-aunts. I just. it’s a lot

- the moon is very beautiful over here

- currently subsisting on the most terrible boxed food I can find. also Haagen-Dasz

- I was housesitting for the neighbours until the news of Grandpa’s latest attack came through, and I’d forgotten to take my allergy meds while taking care of their pets. so I was having allergies as we headed east, but they cleared up halfway through. I couldn’t figure out why they picked up again in the allergen-free hospital and was worried they’d think it was because of Grandpa. then I realized it probably was because of Grandpa. haha what is disassociation

- registration for classes begins tomorrow. my mother is working on taxes. also tomorrow, I need to pay my monthly loan payment and cancel a doctor’s appointment

- *farm dogs come bouncing up to me*

me: please go away, I don’t like dogs

*barncat stares at me*

me: who is a precious little kitten who has never hurt anyone??

the barncat immediately started rubbing my ankles. they sense weakness

- I have three new messages. why

- a man very politely flirted with me. I feel stupid for being gratified, given that my sexual interest in men is approximately equivalent to my sexual interest in cacti. the Feminism Superego shouts HETEROSEXIST PATRIARCHY but :|

- Grandpa was thrilled that I came and is so, so proud about me starting my PhD

- Grandma and Mama were talking brightly about getting him some nice new clothes, and Grandma’s going on about how he has a really nice pair of pants that are good enough, but she wants him to have thermal underwear “so he’ll be warm” and he needs a new tie and shirt. Grandpa leaned over and whispered “they’re talking about burying me”

- MAYBE IT’S JUST ME but it seems like this conversation could happen in a place that was not literally right next to him

- she was also talking about how they already bought burial plots next to my premie cousin. and the life insurance is a comfort to all concerned

- WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS

- anyway I feel scattered and bitchy and tired, so now that I’m away from the hospital, I’m going to think about literally anything else. but yeah, I’m in and out and ... uh, scattered and bitchy and tired

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..