#this is my first experience being this heavily embroiled in fandom drama

[the-amber-raven]

I would never delete my fics

I got linked to a reddit thread today where people were being advised to download my mortifying ordeals/Buddie fics, since apparently "now that I'm a BuckTommy shipper", I might be "petty" and delete all my Buddie fics.

So. I'll move past the complicated feelings it gives me to have people hoarding my fics while actively shitting on me as a person (and seemingly not even telling me that they enjoyed my work, although in fairness that could just be a difference in usernames.) That's the nature of fanfic, fandom, and putting things out there on the internet and I accept that.

But I do want to reassure people that I would never delete my fics. I still have the cringy-as-fuck Harry Potter fics I wrote in high school up; believe me those would be first on the chopping block if I was inclined to delete my work. And all of my 9-1-1 fics hold a special place in my heart, but none more than the mortifying ordeals series, which consumed basically a full year of my life and reminded me why I love writing. Hell, I got engaged while writing the final chapters of I once was lost. That fic is indelibly tied to my life now.

And look... I don't think it really matters, nor should I have to explain and justify what I do and don't enjoy about a show or fandom, but this whole experience has upset me more than it probably should have and I can't help but want to get it off my chest anyway.

My favourite thing about this show is the found family feels. I either love or am at least intrigued by every single character that has appeared. You'll notice that family is the central theme of every story I write, whether the story is Gen, Buddie, or BuckTommy.

Because yes, the idea of BuckTommy and how that plays into the family themes of the show has intrigued me and captured my muse.

I've also said before that I didn't think Season 7 left Buddie in a great place in terms of romantic relationship potential - in my opinion, the ghost of Shannon would be an absolutely massive barrier to them getting together right now. The post season 7 Buddie fics have also heavily featured character bashing, which isn't something I generally enjoy seeing, and infidelity, which I really don't like seeing romanticised especially since I've had a partner cheat on me.

So yes, I've distanced myself from the post-S7 Buddie fandom because I just don't enjoy the pervasive negativity I've seen and the way that cheating and violence is suddenly celebrated by a significant subset of the fandom.

That does not mean I've given up on Buddie altogether. I still have a whole list of pre-S7 buddie fics in my to-be-read list that I've been making my way through and 2 out of my 5 WIPs are Buddie fics (both in the mortifying ordeals 'verse, just to make it even clearer that I'm not at all interested in deleting that series.)

But two of those 5 are BuckTommy, because as I said above, their relationship was intriguing to me and it captured my muse.

I don't think those opinions make me some kind of betrayer, or that they inherently make me a "petty" person but I guess I just didn't realise that not-exclusively-shipping-Buddie was such a High Crime in this fandom.

[little-miss-sunshines-blog1]

An ex-Larrie Testimonial

I am an ex-Larrie.

So there it is. Interestingly, the walls didn’t come crashing down, the earth didn’t stop turning, and the seas didn’t turn to dust. I’m still sitting here, in front of my laptop screen, with no visible change to world around me. Well then.

It has taken over a year for me to fully transition to where I am now and to feel comfortable enough to share some of that journey. So, here goes.

Recently I have been speaking with others in the fandom about why it can be challenging for people to walk away even when they want to, and it has been fascinating. Ultimately, what I’ve found is that many Larries stay because they don’t want to lose their “community” and for those that are particularly heavily immersed in Larriedom, the leap from Larrie to ex-Larrie can be significant. Being a Larrie can impact your day-to-day life in varying ways, and in many cases, you may not even realise how deep it runs until you start the process of moving away from that environment.

There’s little value in going into the what/when/where/why scenarios that influenced my own decision to become an ex-Larrie. There was no epiphany moment and nothing I can point others to that fully explains why. The reality is that it was a series of small things that accumulated over time and being in the right headspace to look at things with a critical eye, being ready to be honest with myself, and a preparedness to admit that I had been wrong.

Perhaps this testimonial will resonate with others who are wavering, perhaps it will provide some level of comfort in knowing that what you’re feeling isn’t unique, and that maybe you’re not alone. If it serves no other purpose than that, then putting it out there will have been worthwhile.

So why does it feel so difficult to leave?

Community: A sense of community is something that most people inherently seek out, whether in real life, or in their online life. At times, being a Larrie can seem comforting and reassuring. It can feel safe and welcoming. Feeling that you are part of something bigger; part of a “team” standing side-by-side and fighting for those that you believe can’t fight for themselves can be a powerful thing. But as you start to question the validity of these beliefs, the reality of what it could mean to leave that world behind can start to settle uncomfortably.

Friends: Being a Larrie enables you to form bonds with other like-minded individuals. These friendships form fast and firm, irrespective of physical location; drawn together online and fighting the good fight in the trenches against the boys’ “teams”, the media at large, and any other person or organisation that is being focused on at that time. But what happens when you’re no longer embroiled in this imagined battle? The basis for these friendships will no longer exist and, with such opposing viewpoints, they may end.

Entertainment: As a Larrie, there is always something with which to occupy your time; whether scrolling through your timeline on various social media platforms, reblogging cute gifs or manips, chatting to your Larrie friends, catching-up on the latest drama or following along as some old conspiracy theory is dredged up and rehashed. There appears to be an almost limitless supply of things to keep you entertained. It’s easy for people to say “well, find another hobby then, study something, read a book etc”, but that kind of paradigm shift takes time and can seem overwhelming.

Online Imprint: Once you make the decision that you want to separate yourself from Larriedom, what then? If you’ve cultivated an online presence predicated on the belief that Larry is real it might be everywhere, in every corner of your online imprint. Unless you’ve been very careful, you may have also shared pieces of who you are in real life, forever linking you to this world. You can lessen the impact but can it truly be eradicated? Screen shots, as they say, are forever.

In Real Life: What happens if you’ve made your Larrie beliefs public to your friends/family/co-workers in real life? It can be a very reasonable concern for some people and you may be worried how you’re going to extract yourself from this without suffering from some level of embarrassment.

What are some of the personal impacts of being a Larrie?

Time: Time and what you do with it is an interesting concept regardless of whether you have too much or not enough. When I turned my back on being a Larrie I was suddenly presented with an abundance of time. It was a genuine shock to discover exactly how much of my precious time I had been devoting to keeping abreast of the minute-by-minute “updates”.

FOMO: There is a disturbing sense of needing to ensure you are constantly wired-in to what is happening in Larriedom. This need can become consuming. It’s unhealthy. It’s distracting. It’s disturbing.

Music: Music has always been a big part of my life. Being part of a fandom for members of a band obviously means that music is a huge part of that experience. But being a Larrie also means that many of those songs have taken on specific meanings. I hope over time this will change and I can once again appreciate these songs for what they are.

Relationships: As a Larrie, you can find yourself closing off a big part of who you are and what you spend your time doing from those around you in real life. After all, who would understand? It can limit your ability to make new connections because you feel the need to hide this part of yourself. Whether through embarrassment (which should in reality be a massive red flag in and of itself), an unwillingness to share your online persona, or the fear of being stigmatized.

Stress: Experiencing an unpleasant physical reaction when you see an alert pop on your phone for someone’s Instagram or Twitter is not healthy. Being afraid to open that notification because you’re worried you’ll see something that doesn’t fit your Larry construct is not normal. Having to steel yourself in preparation, and then force your eyes to open and actually look at your phone screen is concerning.

Goalposts: You set yourself arbitrary deadlines for things to happen. “If “it” hasn’t happened by x date then I’ll leave”, you say. But then it doesn’t happen, so you move the goalposts for some seemingly plausible and justifiable reason. You reset your expectations, but that niggling feeling telling you something is inherently wrong gets louder each time.

Exhaustion: You wait and wait, believing that one day it will all be worth it and Larry will be “free”. They’ll strut the red carpet of some movie premiere or awards show hand-in-hand. They’ll be lauded in publications as the power couple of a generation. They’ll do interviews with Ellen and Oprah and grace the pages of fashion magazines. Except they won’t. Because this isn’t a fantasy. It’s hard to live off tiny pieces of contrived “proof” waiting for something that will never, ever happen.

Disappointment: Being a Larrie can be a constant, soul-crushing disappointment. You latch onto every tenuous link about a t-shirt someone wears or the colors in the background of an Instagram video or the lyrics of a song or a follow on Twitter and, along with your Larrie counterparts, proclaim them to be secret coded messages. You cling to every shred of hope and over-analyze every minuscule detail. But there’s never anything concrete, because of course, there can’t be.

Regret: Moving on means acknowledging you were wrong, that this thing that you’ve ardently supported is a falsehood, a fantasy, and so removed from reality that it can be slightly mortifying to admit. From my perspective, I acknowledge and regret many things from my time as a Larrie and I am sorry that I perpetuated and publicized these untruths.

It’s been nearly 18 months since I started this process, from the very first time doubts started to creep into the back recesses of my mind. My journey has been long and the road has been bumpy at times, but I’m here now as a testament to the success that process can be.

I am happier, I am enjoying my fandom experience far more than I ever did as a Larrie, and my real life has changed for the better. I have made new fandom friendships by seeking out like-minded individuals and whilst that was hard at the beginning, as with most things in life, it just took time, patience, and perseverance.

If you read this and identify with any of what I’ve said, I would encourage you to reflect on whether it may also be time for you to leave Larriedom behind. Reach out to others who have gone through similar journeys or send me a message, I’ll always be happy to talk and provide you with any support I can.

At the end of the day, the more people that make the move in a considered and positive way, the softer the landing will be for those that follow.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope that it can, even in some small way, help others to make the break.

[dreamofcentipedes]

Do you agree with Linkspooky meta about chapter 125?

Drawing me into the tumblr drama, eh, anon? Because we have very different interpretations of the overall trajectory the series is going to take, our views are naturally inimical, and I don’t really want to start anything that might be considered ‘beef’, because you see…

But you did ask, and fandom’s full of debate, right? Because it’s quite a lengthy meta and I want to provide a sufficient rebuttal, this post is pretty comprehensive and/or exhaustive.

Along with theme-related disagreements, there are two major things in the meta that I take issue with: 1) Itpresents a lot of assumptions as fact without making the case for them, and 2)It expects Ishida’s moral system and values to match the analyst’s own, even ifthere isn’t any evidence for it. I’ll be coming back to these two here and then. 

Early on in the meta it makes the argument that the final panel is unlikely to be a 19 because usually reversed Tarot are simply presented as upside down in the manga whereas this one is mirrored. But later, it goes on to argue the case for it being a 16, even though no matter how the image is moved, the 16 will remain in the wrong order, whereas at least in a mirror a 19 can clearly be made out. For that reason I would definitely say a 19 is more likely and could possibly even reflect (lol) Kaneki and Touka’s parallel development.

“Sex isn’t really a net positive or a net negative, it’s just neutral”

This is really justa personal opinion stated as fact, and ignores the very real and very powerfulemotional charge of 125. Such an objective view is far from universal, and inmany circles sex is triumphed as the ultimate form of love, which, I think, iscloser to what Ishida’s view is, judging from the care and dedication he tookto drawing 125. And again:

“having sex doesn’t really resolve any of Kaneki and Touka’sissues” 

This reduces theact to just a quick shag without acknowledging the clear emotional significanceof the experience for both the characters, proved both in the chapter andbeyond it. Sex does really resolve their issues when both of their issuesrevolve around the need to be loved. The comment is a subtle reductio ad absurdumwhich tries to instantly dismiss an argument without really fighting it.

“Having sex, or advancing their relationship might solve theirrelationship arc, but it’s tangential to their individual characterarcs.”

Again, itunderplays 125′s significance and the enormous impact a sexual-romanticrelationship can have on one’s character - it seems like it’s trying toclinically separate the two when, the way I see it, the relationship arc hasbecome a major part of their individual characters now. Just look at the endingnarration for Ch 131: “A reminder that the two of them wereonce two”, i.e. they are now one.

“Kaneki isn’t really experiencing a happiness of his inner spiritthough, considering he started crying in the middle of sex and could notexplain why.”

This is another example of stating assumption as fact. I really don’twhy everyone assumes crying has to be a negativething when tears of joy are a well-established concept. He leans intopassionately kiss Touka right afterwards, so why do people assume his heartisn’t in it? I would argue that he does explain why, butchooses not to do so with the unreliability of words, but the certainty ofaction in the kiss. And again, with evidence from recent chapters, he’sclearly drawing strength from his relationship with Touka in trying times forhim.

“There’s also the fact that they’re having this sex in the darkness,with black borders around the panels and constant cut to black. I hope thismakes a good case for why I think the sun isn’t exactly the perfect fit forthis scene.”

Not really, becausethe final page of the chapter is bathed in light, specifically for the sake ofshowing the illumination in their lives, the way I see it. Furthermore, thepanel specifically makes use of that darkness to make it seem as though lightis emanating from Touka over the naked Kaneki, strongly paralleling the SunTarot.

The darkness does in fact serve one of the purposes the meta argues for- to close them off from the rest of the world. But even then theinterpretation of that feature feels unnecessarily cruel. It goes on to arguethat Kaneki and Touka are being selfish for forgetting the troubles of theoutside world for this one brief moment. Considering everything they’ve beenthrough, and all the incredible effort they’ve put in (and are still puttingin, as the following chapters prove), to punish them for relaxing for a few hoursjust seems brutally unfair. Like yelling at Churchill for pouring a brandy in his room after a day hard spent towards the war effort. If this was just sex for the sake of distraction,then why dedicate a whole chapter to it? Why focus so deeply on the strength ofthe emotions involved, and why portray it so beautifully? As we have seen fromthe following chapters, no-one has suffered as a result of their actions,Kaneki and Touka are still working diligently for the future of the Ghoul, andin fact this experience has strengthened Kaneki’s resolve tofulfil his duty as the One-Eyed King rather than undermined it.

That white hair isGiri, not Ninjo. Kaneki stuck his head in the sand as Haise and wilfullyrejected the greater concerns of the world as the Black Reaper, but his senseof duty now is stronger than ever by working in tandem with his feelings ratherthan against them. Having one night of relaxation with a loved one is in no waya neglectful failure of duty, especially when it’s only improved his workethic.

The next partdoesn’t really make much sense to me:

“In a way it’s an unequal love because Touka can never value Kaneki theway Kaneki wants to use her, as a reason to live, as a symbol for all the goodthings that make life worth living.”

Yet not that long ago I was arguing against a meta by the same authorclaiming Touka had an unhealthy and unrequited fixation with Kaneki. Toukadefinitely wants to be a source of support to Kaneki, but that’s because shewants to return the favour for how he once supported her, knowing how much of adifference it makes first-hand. What we’re seeing with Kaneki now is not allthat different to what we were seeing with Touka back in the original manga’sfirst half, and as such, it is both equal and balanced. I’ve just seen so manystretches from people trying to find ways to claim their relationship is unhealthy,when there’s barely been any circumstantial evidence to suggestthat, let alone definitive. If you’re shooting from a tragic axis, then focuson all those death-flags in recent chapters instead - even though I thinkthey’re red herrings, they’re at least more substantial than this ‘toxiclove’ angle I keep hearing about.

“That being said, defining yourself entirely by the relationships youhave in your life and trying to keep them around is in and of itself aflaw.”

And see, this goes back to my major issue #2 with this meta. This isjust a personal opinion. There really has been very little in the manga tosuggest that Ishida thinks the same. I hear this statement like it’s a giventruth, but really Tokyo Ghoul has been much more focused on finding the right people to rely on than giving upon them altogether. The concepts of both :re and Anteiku are heavily lauded byall upright characters in the series and by the series itself; both Kaneki andHinami’s lives going off the rails upon leaving them and various troubled livesfinding peace within them – Yoshimura, Amon, Akira, and pretty much all ofGoat. These two cafes are founded on the story’s very heart, the current serieseven being named after the latter, and they are institutions that representcommunity and family, not strong-willed independence. Both Touka and Kanekihave been punished for trying to take that latter route and are now only nowfeeling something close to peace because they have embraced the former. Thewhole struggle between Humans and Ghouls exist because they reject interspecies relationships andstubbornly persist on their own path and their own way of being. So for thatreason, I highly doubt Ishida shares the same individualist outlook, whetheryou consider that to be personally right or not. His sympathies, and those ofthe series, lie on a more communal and social axis – a kind-of “power offriendship” for adults, acknowledging the rocky roads that relationships can godown, but for the sake of both parties, insisting that they’re worth preservingnonetheless. Tokyo Ghoul triumphs ultimate interpersonal understanding overindividual integrity as the way forward for societies and ourselves.

“At it’s core it’s a struggle of people from two different worlds trying desperately to connect.”

This bit I agree with! Touken is a microcosm of Ghouls and Humans trying to understand each other. Only because to me the relationship seems so clearly positive, I take that as a symbol of hope for the triumph of peace between Ghouls and Humans as has been the goal from the series start. :re is not the same story as the original was and so is free from its trappings of Tragedy; making it possible to view its developments under a very different, and in my opinion more precise, lens.

“Re: and Anteiku before it was a place where both of them were sheltered and allowed to be mostly innocent to the world.”

No, not really. Touka dealt with her father being killed and lived on the streets as a predatory Ghoul before coming to Anteiku, and even when she was there she became embroiled in Investigator-killing and various loved ones put at risk of death. During Kaneki’s time at Anteiku a loving mother was murdered before his eyes, he fought a Dove who detested his very existence, he was almost made into a meal twice by an insane cannibal who pretended to be his friend, and he was kidnapped and tortured for two weeks. In no way can they possibly be considered to be innocent to the world during their time at Anteiku, and the claim holds even less water when referring to :re after everything they’ve been through in the first series. It’s an attempt to paint Anteiku and :re in a negative light when there really isn’t one.

“At some point theoretically the idea is that Touka and Kaneki will decide for themselves what they view as right and wrong, rather than following simply what Yoshimura or Arima told them, or endlessly substituting new parental figures to guide them.”

This is again a substitution of the analyst’s own rhetoric over Ishida’s concepts. Yoshimura’s ideology has no need to be replaced, because the story has only ever lauded his stance, and Touka is clearly benefiting from following his ideology (calmer, wiser, gentler) as well as providing a positive influence to others (through creating a home for them in :re). Yoshimura’s legacy ought to be honoured and not simply thrown away because it’s not Touka’s original idea; no ideologies really are original - you pick up everything from somewhere. Touka has chosen of her own will to adopt Yoshimura’s ways because she has seen firsthand the good it can do people. She’s not blindly obedient - she is capable of thinking otherwise and disagreeing with Yoshimura, as she did plenty in the original series, concerning how to deal with the Doves, Kaneki’s kidnapping, and his decision to save Touka from the Anteiku Raid - so why should her growing respect for his ways now be childlike deferral? Kaneki likewise has his own reasons for continuing Arima’s legacy, as Ishida has taken care to point out for us:

Kaneki is equally capable of turning against his mentor as he demonstrated when he physically fought against Arima. Respecting and adopting other people’s ideas is no great sin if it appeals to your already present sense of right and wrong, as is the case with both of these two. As for the parental figures part, that returns to the “finding the right people” argument I made earlier. Young people have a natural need for an older generation to guide them as they come into their own, as they have now. Demanding that they leave that hole in their heart empty as they continue to make poor, uninformed decisions is like telling a child to skip high school and go straight to work. Both Yoshimura and Arima have made a great contribution towards these two finding their own identities, and towards a huge and necessary step in resolving their parental issues before they can pass into life’s Adult Stage. 

“Surely she did that because she wanted to love a man, yet you say she wanted to be loved. It’s a good summary of their relationship and the tragedy of Touka’s own self conflicting selflessness.”

I agree with the Adam and Eve stuff as they will effectively be the parents of the new world of the Half-Ghoul ideology, but not the conclusion drawn from Eto’s speech; isn’t the point that she wants both? To love and be loved? Isn’t that exactly what Touka has received?

“Characters consciously wanting to change but being unable to do so is basically the theme of the past ten chapters.”

…But they have changed. In the past ten chapters before 125, and the chapters after them, characters have been addressing their past mistakes and moving beyond them. Their core desires may remain the same but that’s what makes them them. That’s what good, realistic character development is; to change their behaviour and their outlook without ever changing them into a completely different person. Amon has moved past his grudge against Ghouls and even the specific Ghoul that killed his mentor, and hopes to create what is a truly righteous world; Akira has come to drop her father’s vendetta and understand Ghouls as people; Urie is placing his morals above his position in the CCG; Saiko has finally decided to make a stand; Takizawa has found purpose and selflessness in his life once more along with something like a reason to live;and finally, Kaneki and Touka have talked over their relationship that has thus far been fraught with misunderstanding and reaped their reward, finally discovering the love that both of them have been searching for. That’s what makes this the Sun Arc of revelation. They don’t need to become different people, they just need to become the best versions of themselves. 

Then there’s the rest that I can mostly skim over (haven’t read Berserk yet so I haven’t looked too deeply into that segment, but I will say that inspiration =/= exact paralleling):

16 for Tower: 

I’ve already made the case for the Sun and I don’t really see what would be the point in doing the Tower again when we’re already long past that point in the Fool’s Journey. The Sun has much more appropriate timing.

Tsukiyama’s betrayal: 

Impressive analysis of Tsukiyama’s aesthetic/emotional divide, but considering how chill and even excited Tsukiyama was to hear about the Touken marriage, I think the fandom has collectively misjudged the nature of Tsukiyama’s feelings towards Kaneki. He’s already moved past his obsessive stage in the Rose Arc, and now I think, rather than wanting Kaneki all to himself, he just wants to be his friend because most of his other friends are now dead (a comedic omake doesn’t suggest any truly deep emotion on Shuu’s part). And I don’t think that’s an avoidance of reality. Goat was about bringing people from all corners together past their grudges to form a cohesive unit dedicated to creating a better world.

So Tsukiyama’s forgiveness of Kaneki seems to have been the mature thing to do, similar to Amon forgiving Touka, because they all share the same real enemy: the world - the egg they must shatter. Tsukiyama ending his emotional isolation by joining Goat is thus a positive emotional development his character, and so I highly doubt a betrayal. I think Furuta uttering Shuu’s alias was more of a hint to his identity as Souta than any kind of foreshadowing, and Shuu throwing open the door on Kaneki and Touka is due to him being Kaneki’s second-in-command rather than any symbolic reason. 

Hinami will also not defect. I’m concerned that the meta considers Hinami joining Aogiri a positive development for her character and her joining Goat to be negative. Joining a sadistic Ghoul terrorist organisation is never a positive development for anyone’s character, and indeed the narrative punished her for that decision. Aogiri did teach her strength, yes, but Goat allows her to use that strength together with her kindness. Just as it is made very clear that Kaneki was wrong to leave Anteiku, so it is made clear that Hinami was wrong to join Aogiri - the kind of isolated rebellion the analyst prefers is not considered favourably by Ishida, who has consistently championed the benefits of community, teamwork and understanding above the follies of reckless self-destruction. 

So yeah, that’s my two-cents where that’s concerned. Sorry for the delay btw anon, but, uh, you can see why.