#this is my ‘shrek doesn’t actually know his own name’ theory

[the-ipre]

when monty asks if edwin is a capricorn he doesnt really have a response which could be taken as a 'oh how did he snipe me so accurately' but i take it to mean that edwin does not remember his birthday :) it has been over a hundred years, 70 of which were in hell under great duress, and without any reason to celebrate or remember his birthday why would he still know it :)

[tearofaeons]

UHH F/O february!!

1-.Reverse Self-Ship: You are your F/O’s F/O!!

I have a hard time picturing any of my faves having me as their f/o because i think most of them aren’t of people to consume media (books, tv shows) in excess. they might look at something and think “oh cool” *never picks it up again*.

BUT!!  HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING--

Zeтsu... well?? he seems like the type of guy to read a lot of comics and books but never participate in fandoms or tell anyone about it.

One day he heards of a comic series about a character who hunts demons and is searching for their siblings, who are lost somewhere in the deepest parts of Hell, he´s interested, so he buys it, reads it, and immediately gets attached to the protagonist.

He just... relates... you know? Like, both sides, but they never talk about this.

(Kuro = black side. Shiro= white side)

Kuro was in denial for the most part, like

“Why do people like this character” *searches for fanfics*

“Disgusting, badly written. Doesn’t make any sense.” *consumes EVERY story and headcanon post he can find until there´s nothing left*

Kinda just keep going like that until he realized he was too deep in the mud to say he was doing it ironically. Who’s the fool now!? huh!?

I make him feel at ease and, in a weird way, understood, like well, maybe things are going to be okay.

Goes back to the source material, reads it over and over again until he memorizes it, just for fun.

“Why are you angry”

“I  read a FICTIONAL THING that made me genuinely happy for no logical reason and I HATE IT”

He doesn’t like feeling vulnerable and really takes pride in being a “mature adult” who has NO ISSUES or PROBLEMS he would like to deal with but doesn’t know how.

So when something external acknowledges these feelings he just... nope. goodbye

Kuro likes to write and create stories, so at some point, already bored with the lack of content, he starts to make his own “headcanon” and theories posts. Arguing with people and having discussions about me, what might be my possible next steps if i want to find my siblings, my plans, things i wouldn´t do. etc.

Later, he creates a RP blog of my character, but then remembers months later that he actually detests interacting with people, so he opts for writing stories, which he adamantly REFUSES call fanfiction.

Kind of took the “job” of debunking theories and popular headcanons, with proof, of course. He likes talking about me and he LOVES being right, it’s a win-win situation !

Writes really long posts about me, explaning my character arc with extreme detail, why did i do a certain thing and not the other. He also talks how did my actions reflect a certain part of my story that are worth exploring. Fancy pictures, dramatic italics, the whole thing, you know?

His posts are always interesting to read, though. He’s a good writer.

One particular day he wasn’t feeling so good, he wrote something that could be called a reader insert (but he definitely doesn’t call it that), where i’m doing the dishes and having an imaginary conversation in my mind with a character who is struggling with the same problems he is, comforting them and stuff.

Made it an habit to write about me comforting this hypothetical person when he’s dealing with difficult emotions. It helps him get back on his feet.

Has one article of clothing that is.. very similar to a jacket i wear in the series.

and a sweater

and some pair of gloves...

He also bought a plushie to have it as a reference whenever he needed to describe me in a story (i have a very complicated outfit in this parallel universe), but stll kept it even after it wasn’t necessary,  he occasionally likes to hug and squeeze it, or merely hold it when he’s  watching videos or reading something.

“It’s just a toy, it doesn’t have any emotional meaning” he says.

*brushes strand of hair off forehead so i don’t look sad*

*stops to pat my head every now and then*

:( *holds the plushie’s hand* :)

He just really really likes the texture, okay! jeez!!

but no seriously he has a crush on me

Shiro just goes on with the ride and doesn’t think too much about how he feels or why. He just knows he likes me and that’s enough for him.

Collects fanart and enjoys re-reading the source material once in a while.

LITERALLY RECOMMENDS IT  AT LEAST ONCE TO EVERYONE HE MEETS.

Somehow never runs out of things to say?? could talk about the series for hours, but he’s not saying things with substance and plot it’s more like a casual conversation.

He just likes talking about it.

Zones out thinking about me doing domestic stuff (sleeping, cooking or--his favorite--playing with a cat), sometimes imagines himself being there. Would rather die than to tell anyone it makes him happy.

Daydreams a lot.

Gets home and is somewhat upset his girlfriend isn’t there!! where are his kisses!! haha jk jk he doesn’t have a crush on a fictional character..

..... unless?

Doesn’t want people to find out about this because people tend to make fun of him or not take him seriously at all, so he covers it up by acting nonchalant.

“Yeah i like them a normal amount”

Is broke so he can’t afford merch, saves up for one lil figure of me and takes care of it as if it were one of his plants.

Has one-sided conversations with the figurine.

*to the figurine* “Hey, did i water my plants today? i can’t remember”

“I wonder how the shell of a lemon tastes like.... I have one in the fridge, should i eat it? for science? yes? no? alright, i’ll do it”

Writes posts about the series/me and shares them, they’re tend to be very nonsensical and funny, or downright cursed.

“Here’s some art i commissioned of Julia wearing a button up shirt with shorts and sandals :)”

His inbox is a mess because of this.

Likes to participate in conversations and add his two cents, but his favorite thing to do is send people (particularly Kuro) dumb questions just for the giggles.

anon: “how would julien react to their s/o having tapeworms? :)”

“I cannot phantom what kind of illness compels you to send me this.”

anon: “would julia read shrek x reader fanfiction?”

“GOD DAMMIT!!! NO!!”

Shiro got lowkey jealous thinking about me reading x reader stuff because it kind of implies me having a crush on someone else, he then had to mentally punch himself when he realized he was getting jealous of shrek. 

Has one cactus he loves very much named Julia. It’s a pincushion cactus.

[libahunt-conspiracies]

Chapter 19 Theories

Ok, there’s a lot to talk about with this chapter. A LOT happened and a lot is about to happen! That cliffhanger was killer, but leaves it open for a bunch of theories!

So Smiity got caught by a bunch of gnomes. That’ll be funny! I wonder what they’re gonna have to do in order to get Smiity’s body back. Creatures like that are super valuable to gnomes, so are they gonna have to pay the gnomes? What would gnomes accept as currency? Maybe they’ll have to trade something to get it back? I don’t think they’re gonna have to fight any gnomes for it, but I can see some of the guys getting impatient and threatening the gnomes. Maybe Smiity will be able to reconnect/merge with his body and the gnomes won’t want him anymore. Hopefully they won’t decide to kill Smiity once his body has a soul again and is, most likely, worthless. I imagine Smiity will shut down for a little bit as he processes all of his memories. I wonder what he’s gonna remember? I can’t wait to have Smiity be able to tell everyone about the secret evil meeting he got caught eavesdropping on. What if Smiity gets trapped in whatever case his body’s in and develops claustrophobia as a result? He wouldn’t be used to being confined by anything. Plus, we’d get some cute Krii7y as a result!

Delirious is a special bitten-werewolf case. Most turned werewolves go insane or die between two months and a year of being turned. Brock said that every turned werewolf has to make a choice between starving to death or losing themselves their instincts. Delirious is special because he hasn’t gone insane yet. I think that Delirious did make his choice. He chose to starve to death; Cartoonz just happened to find him before he could die. Cartoonz mentioned that Delirious refused to really hunt and cried when he killed a rabbit. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t easily lost it yet. Maybe because he’s gotten help and now almost has a pack of his own he won’t fall down the same path as other bitten-werewolves. Maybe he’s just on the edge of going insane. Cartoonz mentioned that Delirious has power like he’s never seen before, and that Del could be devastating if he lost control of it. Maybe that’s what would happen if Delirious went insane? Maybe that destructive power and lack of control is what gave him the name “Delirious”. So far, it only seems like that power comes out when Del has to protect the people he cares about.

Grigori knows who the Phoenix is. The three vampires knew who they were targeting. The group still doesn’t know that Mini’s the Phoenix, but Grigori knows, and that’s even more dangerous. Mini’s gonna have the biggest target on his back now, and he has no idea why. This encounter has probably proven Brock’s theory correct, and he’s not happy about it.

Mini is able to give Tyler a power boost. Is that something that can only happen for the Phoenix Knight or can Mini boost anyone? It seems like Mini is getting weaker after each time he uses his powers. Is that because of the ward hiding him, or is that just a Phoenix thing in general? If he keeps using his powers like this will Mini end up killing himself? I’m thinking Mini’s powers are based on his emotions. It seems like whenever he gets worked up about something or someone he’s able to use his powers.

After Tyler beat all three vamps (which was really fucking badass!) he was attacked by a black smoke thing. Mini’s power boost also went away after the vampires went down. What is this black smoke thing? Maybe it’s some kind of combination/hybrid monster that was controlled by the vampires? Since the vampires are now dead, maybe it’s able to go crazy and do whatever it wants. Or maybe the smoke thing is a gnome trap to keep people out (insert Shrek “Get outta my swamp!” joke here). Maybe the smoke thing is controlled by Grigori. Maybe Grigori himself is coming down to get the Phoenix. Or this smoke thing is just what Grigori’s using as a vessel on earth and he’s still up with the Celestial Council.

How is Tyler going to get out of this? He can’t get out himself, though he’s really trying. The other team is off who knows where,  and there’s no way they’ll be able to get to Tyler’s group fast enough to help. Maybe Delirious will be able to make it back to them? But we don’t know how far he had to run away for their plan. Brock might be able to help, but he doesn’t have many offensive powers because he’s a Defense Hunter. And Evan’s human; he won’t be able to help in this situation. So maybe this is when we get to see the Phoenix’s offensive capabilities! Maybe Mini freaks out and uses his powers without thinking. Mini spontaneously combusts; he is so angry at this turn of events he actually lights himself on fire. He forgets about how tired he is and goes to town on the smoke thing attacking Tyler. If the smoke thing is actually a vessel for Grigori, maybe they hear him laugh because now he knows exactly who the Phoenix and Phoenix Knight are, and where to find them. He vanishes, promising to be back and stronger than before. Maybe Craig doesn’t know how to turn off his powers and Tyler has to help cut them off. After using his powers twice in a row, Mini is completely drained and passes out. Everyone turns to Brock for an explanation. Brock promises to explain his theory once they’ve all regrouped (he REALLY doesn’t want to explain this twice).

What if Del comes back to help and gets caught too? And then the same thing happens to Brock when Brock tries protecting Evan and Mini. Maybe it’s when Evan then stands up to protect Craig that Mini’s powers activate again. He’s so done with people sacrificing themselves to protect him, so this time he’ll protect them. He may be a damsel and he may be in distress, but this time, he’s got it. Mini gets up, grabs his bat, and beats the shit out of whatever’s hurting his friends.

Meanwhile, while all of this is going on, Ohm’s group has found the gnomes that have Smiity’s body. They have to go through all the shenanigans to get it back. Eventually they retrieve Smit’s body and head back to their rendezvous point. They grumble and complain about how Tyler and group didn’t show up to help them (mostly Brian and Cartoonz complaining). Tyler’s group shows up and they’re met with, “Where the hell have you guys been? Would’ve been nice to have your help when dealing with the gnomes!” etc. etc. Then they take a closer look at Tyler’s group. “What the hell happened to you guys??” Brock sighs in a, ‘I really don’t want to do this’ way, “Better get comfortable, cause this is a long story.”

You know, someday I’ll actually get these theories done before saturday. Sorry for the really late theories!! I promise I have not read chapter 20 before writing these, so I have no idea what’s gonna actually happen. My new year’s resolution is going to be to get these done by wednesday at the latest! Chapter 19 was amazing, even if the cliffhanger was physically painful lol. I can’t wait to read 20! Thank you Crim for such an amazing story! I can’t wait to see where it goes!

@crimsonbluemoon

[jewishavengers]

@tomahawkbunny and I were talking about how in the Marvel Cinematic Universe there is 100% a BuzzFeed Superheroes, and we came up with some headlines and excerpts.

Rank Iron Man’s Armor By How Well It Shows Off Stark’s Ass

5 Theories For Who Spiderman Is: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Donkey from Shrek, Jane Goodall, Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana, Obama

My Boss Was Turned To Dust By Thanos So Now No One Can Stop Me From Posting These Pictures of Supermuscles As An Official Article (and it’s under the “Win” page)

Mask the Masc: does Spider-Man wear a mask because he’s super masculine and wants to protect his friendly boyish image? One reporter wildly speculates based on the flimsiest possible evidence

A picture of Cap from WW2 and a pic from present day: Doctors Hate Him! Find Out How This Man Hasn’t Aged A Day in 70 Years!

Yeah, We Know Cap and Iron Man Are At Each Other’s Throats Again, But Look At Black Panther With A Bunch Of Black Cats

“Loki may have tried to destroy NYC, but I’d still top him”

“Did Dr. Strange turn the entire universe upside down, or just my heart?”

“Spiderman left me a note on my stolen bike and it sold on eBay for $5,000″

8 Funny GIFs of the Cloak of Levitation being mischievous, because you need some comfort after half of everyone you know died horribly

Rate These Iron Man Superhero Landings From Best to Worst

Ant-Man may be a small hero, but our close-up photos of his super suit suggest otherwise

“Is NYC a dangerous place to live? The fact that all the crime-fighting superheroes live here says yes, but our reporter says no.”

Watch this interview with Spider-Man and take a shot whenever he says “um”

Luke Cage can’t keep his shirt intact in a fight, and we don’t mind

Spider-Man was spotted buying LEGOs last week, and now he has his own toy line

We edited pictures of Tony Stark to remove his goatee and hair, and you won’t believe the results

Sad day for monster fetishizers: Spider-Man’s webs are not made from organic material, suggesting he’s just a guy in a discount Iron Man suit.

King T’Challa Scared and Confused After A Hundred Teens in Fursuits Congregate To Him Outside Stark Tower

Princess Shuri Revealed To Have Been Leaking Her Brother’s Location to Popular Furry Tumblr Blogs

King T’Challa attempts to ground his sister, Shuri responds by revealing her remote control that makes the Black Panther suit look like a fursuit

Sign Our Petition to Change Falcon’s Name to Pigeon to Honor NYC

...And then we ended up with some storylines like this.

Thor-real: A New Beauty Line by L’Oréal

Breaking: Tony Stark Pissed That Thor Got A Beauty Line Before Him: “I’m a style icon!”

Thor-real crashes post-IW when Thor cuts his hair, and then

L’Oréal rejects Tony Stark’s offer to revive Thor-real as an Iron Man product line

Tony Stark is growing his hair out in anticipation of a Pantene hair-care product line

Tony Stark pulls endorsement of Lush’s new perfume line after discovering it’s entitled TonyStank

And this.

BuzzFeed Rejects Stark’s $5mil Offer to Buy, Says: “It’s too much fun making fun of him to let go of that power.”

The King of Wakanda offered $50 million, not because he cares, just to spite Stark. He stated, “I can make that back in 15 minutes.”

Breaking: The princess of Wakanda impersonated her brother to try and buy BuzzFeed to spite Tony Stark. “That colonizer can get absolutely destroyed, I’m way cooler.”

Tony Stark Offered Each BuzzFeed Employee A Personalized Iron Man Suit If They Let Him Buy The Company And Only One Person Caved. You’re A Sellout, Charles.

“ If you were offered an Iron Man suit, you’d fucking take it too, see you hoes later, Charles is quitting” 

Charles is in the hospital after crashing his Iron Man suit, and here’s 30 GIFs of people laughing hysterically to commemorate it

We found out Charles is actually hurt pretty bad and we feel shitty about the last article, so here’s a GoFundMe for his hospital bills

Hospital Bill For Charles Paid In Full by Stark Industries: “See? I can do good things! Now let me buy your company!”

BuzzFeed Rejects Stark’s $10 million Offer to Buy, Says: “It’s still too much fun making fun of him to let go of that power.”

Captain America Counter-Offers $100 and a Signed Poster, BuzzFeed Instantly Accepts: “We know he’ll support our Stark mockery.”

“I once walked in on him wearing nothing but a metal chest plate and a thong”: Our Exclusive Interview With Professional Tony Stark-Mocker and New Head, Steve Rogers

Tony Stark Screams After Our Last Article Heard from Hell’s Kitchen, One Lawyer Reports

I’m just an ordinary lawyer with no extranormal powers, and even I could hear that,” claims Matt Murdock

Stark v. BuzzFeed Forfeited by Stark, After Witness & Owner Steve Rogers Called to Stand: “Tony, I don’t think you want to know how many things I could tell them. Drop the charges.”

And this concept.

Avengers and their doppelgánger actors: is RDJ actually Tony Stark?

We Have Reason To Believe Chris Cubed Has Joined Forces To Impersonate Captain America, Thor, and Starlord

Breitbart: “Is Captain America still alive, or is it a government hoax orchestrated by the deep state and Chris Evans?”

Trump: Captain America doesn’t seem to remember his 70 years on ice...suspicious. He’s a fraud!

Trump claims he’s richer than Tony Stark, Stark responds by buying a lago golf course and only barring entry to Trump

Trump calls Wakanda a shithole country, Princess Shuri responds by creating a Trump LMD that rants about how much it loves golden showers

Make of these what you will and please god someone write them. And tag us if you do

[surveystodestressme]

44.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 5

401. Some say that high school is the best time of your life. Was that true for you? it was actually the worst time of my life 402. What do you find yourself encouraging others to try? following their dreams 403. Which is better: Mel Brooks or Woody Allen? either or i guess 404. When was the last time you were up all night? it’s been a while 405. __ is life. The rest is just details. Fill in the blank. such.

406. Are people too complex and different to be categorized? i suppose so 407. Is it good to have pride in your own race or does that separate people from each other because it makes them think of everyone else as ‘outsiders’? as long as it’s not too much pride where it’s a bad thing 408. What fictional story would you like to live through? there’s sooo many 409. Are cats or dogs smarter? idk they’re both pretty smart 410. Have you ever guessed someone’s password and broken into their diary? not someone’s diary but their account for something online 411. What teacher, if any, has effected you the most in your life? there are quite a few actually.  i love a lot of my teachers from grade school 412. Are you more easily bored or excited? a lil of both 413. What’s the bravest or most daring thing you have ever done? idk 414. “What’s the point of robbery when nothing is worth taking?” (- Adam Ant) true 415. If your man or woman served you breakfast in bed as a treat what would you want? bacon, sausage patties, toast, and waffles 416. What do you do only when you are upset? cry??? 417. What’s the oddest CD in your collection? i have a shrek christmas carol cd lol 418. What’s the best diary name you ever saw? uhhh i don’t know 419. What would your friends be surprised to learn about you? there’s not much 420. Who owes you an apology? no one that i can think of 421. Who deserves an apology from you? lol no one 422. How would you like to treat your kids differently from the way your parents treated you? i’m not having kids 423. Which do you like best: 60’s, 70’s or 80’s fashion? 80s for sure 424. What is the worst pick up line ever used on you? i mean it wasn’t really a pick up line.  but some guy asked if he could give me his number and when i said i have a boyfriend he asked if there were ever times when i was feeling lonely and needed some company.  he’s lucky i didn’t punch him in the face lol 425. Of the following, which word best describes you: inventive, kinetic (energetic), light-hearted, mature light-hearted 426. Do you own a record player? Do you use it? i wish i owned one 427. How easily do you make friends? it depends on my mood.  i feel like i’m pretty easy to get along with though 428. What is the difference between having character and being a character? being a character is more comical and having character is a good personality trait 429. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? maybe a crocodile or alligator 430. Do you care about your weight? more than i should 431. Did you/will you go to the prom? i went twice 432. Have you ever wanted to date twins? no lol 433. What one thing would you change about high school if you could? that i stood up for myself when people were picking on me 434. If you came with a warning label, what would it say? sometimes bitchy 435. Are you artistic and creative? i think so 436. What were you (probably) doing on this date last year? probably watching movies 437. What are you obsessed with? cats 438. What was the last compliment you received? jack told me i was beautiful 439. Do you have any brothers or sisters? one of each 440. Who would you like to be alone with right now? my boyfriend. 441. Do you push people away when you really want them to come closer? no 442. Is a prenuptial agreement necessary or does it take the romance and trust out of marriage? i feel like it takes the trust out of the marriage 100% 443. Do you lie your way out of things? no 444. Are you better at talking or listening? listening for sure 445. What will only happen to you once in this lifetime? idk 446. Know of any conspiracy theories you think might be credible? not that i can think of 447. What are the most beautiful words that have ever been spoken to you? an old friend said this to me, “you know, as me and tiana were driving to the book store, we both noticed the view to the left was incredibly stunning.  like, the sunset hit the trees perfectly.  and all i could think was that i’d rather be looking at you.” one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me 448. If it were legal would you own a human slave (race unimportant)? hell no 449. Have you ever read your own writing at a poetry reading? i’d be too nervous 450. What is one simple thing that gives you the happy shivers? i dunno 451. What do you do for exercise? i just walk 452. Would you rather have a strict teacher with a sense of humor or a lenient teacher that doesn’t teach? strict with a sense of humor 453. If you ever have a baby what might you want to name it? i don’t want any babies 454. If you won free tickets to a concert from a radio show and had to choose between Inxs, Poison, Blondie and Moby, which would you choose? blondie 455. Are you a good cook? not at all 456. Do you prefer when things come with no assembly required, even if they are a bit more expensive? depends, i don’t usually mind putting something together myself 457. Start a sentence with the words: what if what if my cat could talk to me 458. Are you more spontaneous and unpredictable or loyal and routine? loyal and routine. 459. What is the highest number you can count to in your head? pretty high if i tried 460. How do you go about losing weight? shit i don’t 461. Do you have street smarts? i suppose 462. Do you have a lot of common sense? i think i do 463. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? orange sherbet 464. What’s your favorite movie that involves dancing? high school musical 465. Would you ever want to become a guest on a talk show? If yes what would the show’s theme be? sure.  jimmy fallon 466. Do you like the way you look naked? most of the time 467. Have you ever dissected an animal? several 468. Who do you know who is brilliant? my boyfriend 469. Who do you know who is dull? some of my coworkers 470. Do you ever think about time travel? occasionally 471. What is one interesting fact you know? when a cat is declawed, if it isn’t done correctly a new bone can grow back and cause extreme pain 472. Do you talk to yourself? Do you talk to your pets? i talk to myself sometimes and i always talk to my cat 473. Do you believe that humankind has a future in space (will we live there some day)? absolutely 474. Would you rather wear clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty or more delicate outfits? depends 475. How do you 'live life to the fullest’? do crazy things.  live every day like it’s my last 476. Are you sloppy or a neat freak? i’m kind of a neat freak 477. Would you rather have a trunk full of nickels or half a trunk full of dimes? half a trunk of dimes 478. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made? there is plenty 479. Are you in good health? i suppose 480. Are you patriotic? no 481. The greenhouse effect is bad for your health. yeah 482. There are about as many molecules of air in one breath as there are hairs on your head. damn 483. The Miss America pageant started out as a contest in which people decorated wheel chairs and one chair was judged the prettiest. that’s cool 484. To remove a tattoo a physician can place a small balloon under the skin, which is inflated so that the tattooed skin gradually stretches. Then they cut the stretched skin away. lol really??? 485. Cock fighting is a sexual sport. i’m sure it is 486. It is the warmest time of the day during the hour that the sun is the highest in the sky. why are there 20 interesting facts in a row??? lol i don’t think i’m going to write anymore on this survey 487. Certain scientists specialize in studying cow farts. 488. The brilliant colors (reds, oranges, yellows) across the sky that we get from sunsets are caused mainly by pollution. 489. In Grimm’s original fairy tale, Rapunzel is pregnant. 490. Dracula was the first movie about a vampire. 491. The inventors of Corn Flakes, the Kellogg brothers, ran a school for delinquent youth. 492. “Kemo Sabe” means “soggy shrub” in Navajo. 493. Sir Thomas Crapper invented the toilet. 494. The Earl of Sandwich invented the Sandwich. 495. Some Chinese alchemists were trying to invent an immortality medicine and accidentally invented gunpowder instead. 496. The human body is made of about 99% water. 497. Bubble gum contains rubber. 498 This survey to the zero power = 0. 499. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 500. There are 86401 seconds in day.

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down. 

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out. 

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it. 

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts. 

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing. 

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way. 

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her. 

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago. 

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode. 

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle. 

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal. 

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears. 

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could. 

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though. 

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either. 

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before. 

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

[myhahnestopinion]

Marvel Ranked: Part 2 (33-23)

Hello, everybody! This weekend sees the release of Spider-Man: Homecoming, and, as the sixteenth entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the third cinematic interpretation of the wall-crawler, it reminds us that Marvel Comics has had quite a history on the big screen. So, in celebration of that fact and anticipation of the new film, I have teamed up with my good friend and fellow co-host on the Reboot Already Underway podcast, Jacob Lacy, for a collaborative effort: our definitive ranking of all the Marvel movies since 1998′s Blade. Join us in remembering the best and the worst of Marvel’s theatrical films!

Yesterday, Jacob posted Part 1 of this ranking onto his own blog (jakelace.tumblr.com), covering our thoughts on entries 44-34 of the list, the absolute worst films Marvel has made. Check that out on his blog here: https://tmblr.co/Zfi-mh2NRL3Hr

This is Part 2 of the ranking, covering entries 33-23, where we look at some Marvel films that are deeply flawed, but still kinda charming.

33. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

“You’re too late, Spider-Man. I designed this power grid. Now I’m gonna take back what is rightfully mine. I will control everything. And I will be like a god to them.”

“A god named Sparkles?”

Aaron:  Amazing Spider-Man 2 is when Sony’s greedy, desperate meddling with the Spider-Man franchise came to a head. The film is overstuffed, with three corny versions of classic Spider-Man foes, and a dull conspiracy theory subplot surrounding the death of Peter’s parents. There’s some decent Spider-Man action within, at least when the CGI doesn’t make the whole thing look like a video game, but character motivations are weak across the board, making the plot a frustrating mess. Trying to shove a rushed version of one of Spider-Man’s most iconic stories and convoluted set-up for a planned Sinister Six film into a film with the horribly campy tone of Batman and Robin caused a swift end for the Amazing Spider-Man series. Here’s hoping Sony learned from their mistakes for Spider-Man: Homecoming.

Jacob: Well, here comes the first of a couple Marvel confessions I’ll have on this list (most of them involving Spider-Men of some sort): I actually kind of like this movie. Don’t get me wrong, I realize that it is outrageously bad, but there’s something about that web-head that makes it near impossible for me to outright hate his films. Sure Peter is a bit (read: a lot) of a stalker, and sure Paul Giamatti’s Rhino is groan inducing, but I just can’t find it in me to condemn this film altogether. Marc Webb just handles the Gwen Stacy stuff so well (besides the aforementioned stalking) that it keeps me coming back to jam-packed mess of a film.

32. HULK

“And don’t worry about the dogs. You’ll be fine… just don’t look ‘em in the eyes.”

Jacob: Ang Lee’s directorial take on the Incredible Hulk is an interesting one for me. On one hand, it’s a bit of a bore to get through and contains some of the strangest and dumbest plot twists I’ve seen put to film, but on the other, this was actually the first film on this list that I had seen. I suppose in that way I will always feel a connection to it. It’s just too bad that connection had to be made with a film that has Hulk poodles, and a climactic fight with a cloud man. Although, I will give this movie extra points for the bonkers comic book editing style.

Aaron: For years, this film soured me on the name Ang Lee, but after Life of Pi came out and showed me he was actually a great director, I decided to go back for a reevaluation. I discovered a newfound appreciation for what Lee was going for with his darker character study of the hero, and the comic-book panel style editing is indeed inventive. However, I agree with Lacy that the film is ultimately undone by its slow-moving plot and lack of action. More “Hulk Smash!” would have been nice, even if that Hulk is a neon green Shrek-looking piece of dated special effects. 

31. X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

“I do not know if victory is possible. I only know that great sacrifice will be required. And because the fate of many will depend on a few, we must make the last stand.”

Aaron: While my child self like X-Men: Origins: Wolverine on first watch, I have always disliked The Last Stand since seeing it in theaters for the first time. The rushed deaths of several major characters was the wrong way to give the conclusion of the X-Men trilogy an epic feel, made more irksome by the inconsistent characterization of the returning heroes. There’s a noticeable step-down from Bryan Singer’s direction to Brett Ratner, who show little understanding or respect for the source material, as illustrated by the complete mishandling of the iconic Dark Phoenix storyline. Still, there are some positive new additions, like the pitch-perfect casting of Kelsey Grammer as Beast, and the climax has some powerful pathos. Fox seems to have made the wise move of retaining these great elements, while erasing the rest from continuity.

Jacob: I defended this movie for far longer than I should have. There were always those small elements I wanted to love in this movie, like you mentioned, but one day something just broke in me and I couldn’t do it anymore. The Last Stand is a really bad movie. Killing Cyclops off in one of the quickest and least emotional deaths in the series was one of the worst moves they could have pulled, and I really can’t get over that absolutely horribly written Juggernaut line (you know the one). Even Jackman’s Wolverine can’t save this movie from the hole it digs itself, though he certainly tries.

30. X-MEN: APOCALYPSE

“Well, at least we can all agree the third one’s always the worst.”

Jacob: Why, oh why did this happen, FOX? I thought we were in the clear after seeing how great First Class and Days of Future Past were, but leave it to the X-Men to disappoint us once again. My major problem with this film is its complete lack of focus. It is Batman v Superman levels of scatterbrained and you’re never given any time to catch up with our returning characters, let alone know anything about the newcomers. We get some great scenes from this for sure (the mansion explosion and Magneto’s family spring to mind), but I can never shake the feeling that shaving off a few characters would have made this film much better.

Aaron: It was probably naïve of us to assume FOX wouldn’t screw up another X-Men movie, especially considering how this one was rushed into production. I agree that there are a lot of high points (Beyond those mentioned, I’m a particular fan of its campy opening scene), but it ultimately tries to juggle too much, including a unnecessary Wolverine cameo that derails the second act. It doesn’t help that the film’s interpretation of the famous X-Men foe is a mix of dull motivations, an inconsistent performance, and a goofy ability to make fancy costumes for his friends. Here’s hoping the X-Men franchise can make a speedier second recovery.

29. THOR: THE DARK WORLD

“Well done, you just decapitated your grandfather!”

Aaron: One of the most impressive elements of the MCU is its fairly consistent level of quality, but Thor: The Dark World definitely represents the lowest point thus far for the universe. It’s not necessarily a bad film. It has a lot of enjoyable elements, such a solid cast, including breakout MCU star Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston, its whirlwind tour of the nine realms that expands the scope of the franchise, and some amusing comedic beats. Still, director Alan Taylor brings no unique personality to his vision, and this bland nature of the movie is exacerbated by its poorly developed, instantly forgettable villain. It’s not necessarily a bad film, and certainly not bad enough to label it a failure for the MCU, but it is by far the universe’s weakest, least-rewatchable entry.

Jacob: There are two or three scenes in this film that are legitimately great. Unfortunately, it feels like the ideas for these scenes were there and then they just kind of phoned in all of the build-up to them. It also doesn’t help that all of those legitimately great scenes, like the escape from Asgard and any of the jail cell scenes, all revolve around Loki. I love Hiddleston’s Loki, don’t get me wrong, but when no one else is given any material with which to shine as brightly as he does, the entire picture feels unbalanced and shaky at best. And oh yeah, who was the villain again? Something about an elf? Wait, really?

28. BLADE

“There are worse things out tonight than vampires. Like me.”

Jacob: When I first saw Blade, I enjoyed it. It provided me that same sort of new superhero fun that allows a lot of people to look past a film’s flaws. On a re-watch though I found that feeling to fade fast. Now, that’s not to say there aren’t parts I enjoy, because that opening fight scene is still really great, but the entire experience is lessened now by the fact that this film is filled with obvious twists, horrible dialogue, uninteresting villains, and a vampire blood fetish that’s way too present in this film to not find unnerving.

Aaron: As the earliest film on this list, and the one often credited with kick starting the modern superhero craze, I think Blade deserves a lot of respect. It’s familiar, but it plays its tropes well, crafting a solid, enjoyable template for a superhero movie that many future films would draw inspiration from. Wesley Snipes is great in the stylish action scenes, even if his dialogue is abysmal (What was that about skating uphill again?) There’s only so much forgiveness that can be given to the film though, and ultimately, I agree that the film’s strengths are countered by its bland villains and limp plot. It’s worthy of some respect, but ultimately is just an okay movie on its own merits.

27. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Yeah, but those are the best kinds.”

Aaron: Upon first release, The Amazing Spider-Man became the biggest source of contention in my and Lacy’s friendship, one of the few films we radically disagreed on. Since then, I think we both have mellowed out a little on it, with me conceding that its better than my initial disdain, and Lacy conceding it was worse than his initial praise. Many of its problems stem from being a too-soon reboot for the character, with many alterations to his origin story becoming annoying changes-for-the-sake-of-change. It also lacks the passionate pulse of Raimi’s films, with its biggest attempt at sentimentality being the infamously groan-worthy crane sequence. Andrew Garfield’s Peter Parker is too cool, and the Lizard has inconsistent motivations. Nevertheless, the chemistry between Garfield and Emma Stone is undeniable, and the Spider-Man action is thrilling. I could nitpick this film to death, but I’m content to point to the quick collapse of the franchise as proof of my accuracy on the film’s lackluster quality.

Jacob: Hey, man. Don’t act like I won’t defend this film’s honor, because I will…and then as I argue for it I will slowly sour on it until I end up agreeing it’s pretty bad. That’s pretty much how this always goes. The Amazing Spider-Man hit me at just the right time. Being roughly the same age as Peter Parker is in this movie when I first saw it, I was able to identify with him and his struggles. I had seen the Maguire films before, but was not a huge fan in my youth, so in a way Andrew Garfield became MY Spider-Man. While that’s not any sort of statement on the quality of the film, it is one of the reasons I came out of that showing so high on this. Yes, the series fell apart, yes the Lizard is a worse version of Doc Oct, and yes the film has music placement just as bad as its sequel, but there’s a certain magic to it that I’ll never be able to shake entirely.

26. BLADE II

“You’re human?”

“Barely. I’m a lawyer.”

Jacob: How do you fix Blade’s cinematic problems (or really any cinematic problem really)? Throw Guilliermo del Toro into the ring of course! Blade II is an improvement from the original in almost every department. The story is still that cheesy B-movie type shlock, but it this one I actually felt like the crew was having fun with it. Del Toro also brings a level of finesse to the table with his direction that Stephen Norrington’s original could never match. Blade II is still flawed though and while Wesley Snipes is great as Blade, the film still gives me no reason to actually care about him or his adventures, even if they can be oddly fun.

Aaron: Del Toro is one of my favorite directors of all time, and while Blade 2 is by far the weakest film he has ever made, his touch still elevates the material into something special. His affinity for crafting grand mythologies around monsters, complex creature designs, and Gothic visual splendor are perfectly suited for Blade II’s superhero-horror blend. Like its predecessor, it’s still light on plot, but the action scenes are gory, excellently choreographed fun (even with some dated CGI work). It is a bit too similar to the first film as well, but that extra little del Toro magic is enough for me to give the edge to this one.

25. SPIDER-MAN 3

“Now dig on this.”

Aaron: Controversial Opinion: I like Spider-Man 3. I fought hard to get it placed this highly on the list, and personally, I’d still put it higher. It’s only real flaw is Sony’s misguided desire to shove Venom into the movie, disrupting Sam Raimi’s marvelous vision. Without that, you have a visually impressive version of Sandman, played by Thomas Haden Church, who is yet another perfectly cast iconic Spider-Man villain for the trilogy. Sandman’s beautifully tragic origin scene, set to the powerful score by Christopher Young, is perhaps the most affecting scene of any superhero movie ever, illustrating the heart that Raimi brought to the series. Beyond Sandman, you have fantastic, dynamic action scenes, and great character moments that help bring the trilogy full circle. Okay, there’s flaws. It’s overstuffed, and a bit hokey. However, it has a personality that makes it far superior to many other superhero films out there. And that infamous scene of symbiote-influenced Peter Parker going clothes shopping? That scene is an absolute masterpiece of tenderhearted comedic genius. That is a hill I am willing to die on.

Jacob: Uncontroversial opinion: I don’t like Spider-Man 3, at least as a whole. There are good moments, I’ll give you that. I really liked the Spider-Man action that is in here, and I mean, James Franco is in this movie, so it has to have at least one good part, am I right? But I remember feeling like this was such a slog to get through even ten years ago. I don’t care about Eddie Brock (especially not the Topher Grace version), I don’t care about symbiote Spider-Man, I don’t care about the weird relationship drama between Peter and Mary Jane, and I definitely don’t care about Peter Parker trying to make out with Elizabeth Banks in the middle of the Daily Bugle! Seriously, what the hell, Peter? There have to be, like, SEVERAL rules against that. But symbiote Spider-Man doesn’t follow the rules on how to be good, just like Sony when they were making this movie.

24. IRON MAN 2

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to exit the donut.”

Jacob: What do I like about Iron Man 2? Well…I like the Mark V armor Tony uses when he first meets Whiplash, but other than that? Hmm…not much. Iron Man was simply never going to be an easy film to follow-up, and while Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark just as charmingly and bitingly as he did in the original, there isn’t much else here to justify this being a film. There are decent action scenes and Don Cheadle makes a great War Machine, but more than anything this film feels just too much like an advertisement for The Avengers, which it basically is. There is that cool shot of him eating a donut in a giant donut though, so…I’ll take it I guess.

Aaron: I can find a few more things to praise about Iron Man 2. There’s Sam Rockwell’s perfectly irritating performance as Justin Hammer, the introduction of Scarlett Johansson’s Black Window to the MCU, that amusing scene of Tony Stark before Congress, and some solid emotional beats. Beyond that? Well, there’s not much that isn’t tied up in an overstuffed, convoluted plot, and the less said about Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash, the better. Marvel’s quality control and Robert Downey Jr.’s presence is enough to hold the film together, even if its rushed attempt at universe building is only slightly more graceful than Batman V Superman’s.  

23. THE INCREDIBLE HULK

“Don’t make me… hungry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m… hungry.”

Aaron: The Incredible Hulk has essentially become the black sheep of the MCU family, but I don’t understand why, especially considering it is far superior to Thor: The Dark World. It does an excellent job of capturing the “man or monster” tension that is central to the character, while, unlike Ang Lee’s Hulk, not skimping on the action scenes. Bruce Banner’s fugitive escapes, fueled by the great pulse-pounding score by Craig Armstrong, and the gleefully destructive climactic Harlem battle are thrilling. While he’s no Mark Ruffalo, Edward Norton has a wonderfully nervous, yet humorous performance. The film does drag a little in the middle, and there is a feeling that Marvel hadn’t quite figured this whole Cinematic Universe business out yet, but overall, The Incredible Hulk is an underrated superhero film.

Jacob: I can fully get behind a campaign to get this movie recognized as an underrated work in the MCU’s filmography. While you’re right that he is no Mark Ruffalo, I really love Edward Norton in this movie. Even if it weren’t for the fun action and good humor, his performance alone would be reason enough to give this movie a watch. However, there is quite a bit in this movie that is dumbfounding, like that Ty Burrell is in this movie for some reason. He doesn’t really have any real sense of purpose in the film, but he’s here. And we can’t forget the Tim Blake Nelson character who is also essentially pointless besides a teaser for an upcoming movie that hasn’t happened yet and (probably) never will. However, there is enough here to make it a recommend if you haven’t taken the time to watch it yet.

That’s it for Part 2 of this ranking. Join us again tomorrow for Part 3 of this list, covering entries 22-12, which will once again be posted on Jacob’s blog (jakelace.tumblr.com). Then, come back here on Friday when we’ll release the fourth and final installment, listing the absolute best Marvel films of all time.