#this is mostly about how my durge views/handles the situation

[thecosmicsleep]

okay hold on

so i know technically the dark urge is supposed to be permanently cut off from all of their memories prior to the start of the game. who they were and who they are now can be and probably are two completely different people, more or less. we still get bits and pieces where you come up to a situation, and the narrator tells you that you used to do xyz—like milk the venom from a viper's fangs, etc. so, like, there's still something there.

but i can't let go of the idea of durge still being hit by that betrayal like a sledgehammer to the chest when they realize. they dedicated their entire life, their whole fucking life, to their god, their father, and he just... swept them away like a piece of lint. he decided that they weren't doing things the way he wanted them to, so they needed to go.

it's the way the world shatters around you when you realize that you're expendable to the one you love the most.

do you ever wonder how those meetings between gortash, ketheric, and durge used to go? how you have two people who've never had anyone genuinely care about them before, and then one person who has gone to the depths of hell just to make sure his daughter got to live again. about how durge never used to wonder what it would be like to have someone care so much about them that they would damn themselves just to make sure durge would be happy. but ever since meeting gortash and working on this world domination plan together...

maybe they don't remember specifics, but they remember those feelings. the feelings of inadequacy, desperation, loneliness, terror at failing, of never being enough, of caring about something other than killing in bhaal's name. feelings of jealousy that cropped up because ketheric was many things. a traitor to more than one god, a murderer, an undead warden to an immortal prisoner. but he could never be mistaken for a father who did not care for his daughter. he cared so much that it became obsession, and to someone like durge, that's as close to love as they've ever been.

what is love if not obsession, you wonder.

and it's all of those feelings that have hidden in the back of their little amnesiac brain that finally break their spirit. maybe their new traveling companions don't want anything to do with them once the truth has come to light. maybe they really just need space. it doesn't matter, really. nothing does. all that matters is the rage, and hurt, and hate.

you dedicated everything, everything, all of it, and it wasn't enough. so what, if you don't deserve a happy ending; you don't want it, anyway. but you'll be damned if you don't take it all with you when you go.