#this is maybe my meanest take bc art DOES IMPROVE.... but without looking at the tags idek who it is bro...

[notsociallyacceptablealex]

I'm not trying to be too mean... but some of yall artists doing like just a sketch-up of characters and that shit is so scraggly and you can't even make out the design from their hair or outfit of who they are from the anime bc 300 other characters are same height/size. And then that artist is like "this is so like them" or "they would be like this for sure lol" or whatever scenario you put your blorbo in - WHO. WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. When they look like this, maybe you should try harder???

[simaethae]

That alien au is fantastic! it's so great and I want to know more of the plot

ldgblgb you’re assuming there is a plot and not, like, a series of bad excuses but thank you

anyway here’s the chatlog where we came up with it, warning for some nsfw and @yavieriel and i being nerds at length ^_^

simaethae: so what’s YOUR worst modern AU

[20:07] simaethae: i think i’ve read coffeeshop AUs in otherfandoms which talked about baking, which was their one redeeming feature

[20:10] Yavieriel: Coffeeshop AUs do have that redeemingfuture

[20:10] Yavieriel: (well, sometimes)

[20:10] simaethae: occasionally!

[20:10] Yavieriel: man there’s so many awful modern AUs tochoose from

[20:10] simaethae: oooh, sports AU. i know nothing aboutsports but i’m sure they have to exist

[20:12] Yavieriel: I’m not sure if it still counts as amodern AU, but for most what-the-fuck fandom trends, “the characters aremerpeople who are kept in captivity and forced to breed to produce mer-caviar,which is considered a culinary delicacy” has to win some kind of prize

[20:12] simaethae: oh my god

[20:12] Yavieriel: I’m trying to think how that would evenwork with Sauron and Tyelpe

[20:12] Yavieriel: suddenly Sauron is a lot moresympathetic?

[20:13] simaethae: i mean i would not exactly be AGAINSTsome xeno dubcon but the problem with AUs for the Silm is that without thecontext it’s really hard to get the characterisation remotely similar?

[20:13] Yavieriel: right, I was trying to think of some kindof.. parallels and

[20:13] Yavieriel: it very quickly turns into a completelydifferent dynamic

[20:14] simaethae: ….Sauron as the unethical scientistexperimenting on mer-Tyelpe. sexy bad experimentation. but that makesTyelpe…. kind of boringly passive?

[20:14] Yavieriel: Sauron as a traitor mer who’s beenselling other mers into captivity, maybe?

[20:14] simaethae: lmao

[20:15] simaethae: i still feel like that would be kind of adifferent dynamic tho

[20:15] Yavieriel: man one of the things that was reallystriking in the Strife of Truth with Art was how similar Sauron and Celebrimborstart sounding once you summarize too much and lose the context/details

[20:15] simaethae: bc External Threat?

[20:16] simaethae: yeah!!

[20:16] simaethae: i commented on how all the “whobetrayed whom” and “who stole knowledge/rings from whom” stuffwas getting super confused

[20:17] simaethae: which makes sense! especially when it’sbeen filtered through humans who’ve also been getting Sauron’s side of thestory

[20:17] Yavieriel: otoh in less-weird modern AUs, I feellike some kind of holiday-retail employment setting would be the meanest/mostinsulting to the characters

[20:17] simaethae: ahaha omg

[20:17] simaethae: but Sauron as the world’s worst managerwould be great. especially because he thinks he’s the best and has theflowcharts to prove it

[20:17] Yavieriel: at least in high school there’s the weirdsocial stuff where Sauron and/or Celebrimbor can have extravagant degrees ofinfluence over others

[20:18] Yavieriel: oh lord, yeah Sauron would be

[20:19] Yavieriel: although then I feel like Tyelpe has tobe, like, the other manager?  Or hisboss?  Everyone is baffled why theirgenuinely good boss decided to hire this asshole and thinks he’s so great

[20:19] simaethae: Tyelpe does a work placement with AngbandLLP, accidentally invents a way to improve [productivity metric] by 80%inbetween Sauron trying to do the good corporate mentor thing which, uh, doesnot exactly /not/ look like sexual harassment but Tyelpe isn’t sure he. minds?

[20:19] Yavieriel: [snorts]

[20:20] simaethae: it’s still not exactly getting theEregion dynamic tho is it

[20:20] Yavieriel: “is it sexual harassment if you’reinto it?”  "yes, but for thepeople around you instead"

[20:20] simaethae: lol yep

[20:20] Yavieriel: no, they’d need to be like…Tony-Stark-type genius inventor CEOs and Annatar is in disguise doing corporateespionage

[20:21] simaethae: oooh, yep

[20:22] simaethae: Tyelpe’s the Stark-type CEO and Annataris his terrifying PA, popular rumour has it that they’re sleeping together,Annatar started the rumour out of sexual frustration

[20:22] Yavieriel: the degree of influence and independenceand power they both have is just too high to really translate into being anysort of average person

[20:22] Yavieriel: [chokes]

[20:22] Yavieriel: does Tyelpe even notice that everyonethinks they’re sleeping together?

[20:23] Yavieriel: Annatar as secretly-evil!Pepper Potts,flame powers and all

[20:23] simaethae: yeah also realistically Annatar - doesn’twork for me very well as a human? because the bullshit he pulls is interestingif he’s a powerful alien who doesn’t get it, but would just be ordinarilyboring and shitty from a human :/

[20:23] simaethae: YEAH

[20:23] Yavieriel: right, if he’s human it’s just regularassholish-ness

[20:23] Yavieriel: shapeshifting alien Annatar?

[20:23] simaethae: …how would “secretly evil”even look in Marvel, all their governments are dying to be dictatorships anyway

[20:23] simaethae: yeah!!

[20:24] simaethae: i think you fixed it

[20:24] Yavieriel: if you go with an actual comic-book-typesetting that’s totally within bounds of plausible/normal

[20:24] simaethae: i think i’ve actually read fic along/vaguely/ similar lines involving Tony Stark and Loki, tho i might just befree-associating

[20:25] Yavieriel: keep the industrial espionage angleexcept Annatar was formerly like, Dr. Doom’s chief henchman?  Only he decided Tyelpe makes a much betterboss so Doom can go fuck himslef

[20:25] simaethae: shapeshifting evil alien Annatar decidesto work his way into a position of trust with Tyelpe, powerful CEO doing cleanenergy stuff, to get access to world leaders and work out how to work thesystem in advance of his bid for power

[20:25] Yavieriel: no I think I have too

[20:26] Yavieriel: or possibly we’re both free-associatingLise’s Steve/Loki series + all the Tony/Loki fic out there

[20:27] simaethae: Annatar is unavoidably distracted fromworld conquest because a) he kind of likes running a multinational company,it’s genuinely well-suited to his talents, and b) significant amounts of timewondering why Tyelperinquar won’t take the hint and importune his assistantalready

[20:27] simaethae: i think i actually still have thatbookmarked to read? but yeah

[20:28] Yavieriel: right, can’t Tyelpe at least be immoralenough to take some of the really blatant cues Annatar has been giving him

[…]

[20:44] simaethae: yeah, i was going to say Annatar would bereally great at running a big company, albeit partly by terrorising otherpeople into doing a good job and relentless delight in bureaucracy, so he’saccidentally damaged his prospects by making Tyelpe terrified he’ll quit

[20:44] Yavieriel: right, that time Annatar was running hishands of Tyelpe’s latest prototype and super into Tyelpe’s explanation of[obscure technical aspect of it] was honestly the closest he got to actuallypersuading Tyelpe to make a move

[20:44] simaethae: Tyelpe really likes being able to trustsomeone else to do the paperwork! what if he hits on Annatar and Annatarresigns and then he has to go back to filling in Form 33.C in triplicatehimself again!

[20:45] simaethae: :D Tyelpe is uncomfortably aware that hisfantasies about Annatar touching his engineering work are getting kind ofinappropriate

[20:45] Yavieriel: spend all that time actually managing hiscompany instead of inventing stuff and letting Annatar handle thelogistics?  The horror

[20:46] Yavieriel: (the potential for incredibly high-techbdsm sex toys in this scenario :smile: :smile: :D)

[20:46] simaethae: everyone else assumes they’re definitelyfucking and Tyelpe’s protests about how he would Never Do That are just areputation thing

[20:46] simaethae: (ohh, yes, excellent point!!)

[20:48] Yavieriel: people would be more concerned about thisin the general “unethical behavior from my employer” way except thatTyelpe has never even hinted at interest in anyone else, so everyone sort ofshrugs at it

[20:49] simaethae: also people who have actually met Annatartend to form a pretty accurate opinion of who would REALLY be more likely tosexually exploit who >_>

[20:49] Yavieriel: RIGHT

[20:49] Yavieriel: the handful of people who have consideredbringing this up with Annatar very quickly end up disabused of the notion thatAnnatar is being coerced in any way

[20:50] Yavieriel: if anyone’s getting coerced it’s them,they will be very happy to never be in the same room with Annatar again, thankyou

[20:51] Yavieriel: (obviously none of them had actually metAnnatar before, beyond possibly a polite handshake)

[20:51] simaethae: ….probably slightly more worried aboutTyelpe tho! Galadriel is one of the few people to be mostly sure they’re reallynot fucking, but it took some really embarrassingly conversations with Tyelpeto get there

[20:51] simaethae: yeah, or not in more than smileycorporate assistant persona :>

[20:53] Yavieriel: Galadriel is actually sure they’re notfucking and not entirely sure how she should feel about this, because on theone hand Annatar seems like a terrible choice, but on the other hand… Tyelpedoes need someone to take care of him, actually seems rather attached toAnnatar, and Annatar bizarrely enough seems to have some genuine feeling forTyelpe?

[20:53] simaethae: presumably it actually works out onceEvil Shapeshifting Alien invasion happens and Annatar changes sides orsomething because this was Not The Plan, he’s increasingly unsure what the planwas but it was Not This, but with some dramatic interludes in which no oneincluding Annatar is completely sure which side he’s on

[20:53] Yavieriel: why couldn’t her favorite cousin havebetter taste, she asks

[20:53] simaethae: yeah, Galadriel can’t stand Annatar butTyelpe seems…. happier?

[20:54] Yavieriel: right, like he’s definitely not on TeamSave The World, but he is on Team How Dare You Make My Boyfriend Unhappy andThreaten My Corporate Empire

[20:55] simaethae: or at least, happier when he’s aroundAnnatar, he gets this wistful look somtimes and she grits her teeth and tellsherself that bastard had better look after her cousin

[20:55] simaethae: yeah!

[20:55] simaethae: team How Dare You Touch What’s Mine :)

[20:56] simaethae: Annatar eventually gets fired, mayberehired, but also finally laid in the space of about an hour

[20:56] Yavieriel: tbh I think I read something like thatwith Superman and Lex Luthor, where Luthor ends up using his powers for goodbecause no one else is allowed to kill Superman and destroy Earth, how darethey

[20:56] simaethae: didn’t astolat maybe write some stuffalong those lines?

[20:56] Yavieriel: very probably

[20:57] Yavieriel: that would explain why I was reading it,usually I’m strictly team Superman/Batman

[20:57] simaethae: (so if Annatar’s actually a shapeshiftingalien I assume Tyelpe is. curious about the biology involved. he doesn’t wantto make Annatar feel as if Tyelpe’s not into his real form - if he has a realform, obviously this is purely in a spirit of scientific enquiry - )

[20:58] Yavieriel: yesssss

[20:59] Yavieriel: possibly there are tentacles involved:heart:

[21:03] Yavieriel: but definitely Weird Alien Biology,Tyelpe is very into this, Annatar finds it all fascinating and they mutuallyfind it really sexy when Annatar shows off his assorted alien features toTyelpe

[21:03] simaethae: yeah!

[21:04] simaethae: also Annatar being kind of - genuinelymoved by how into him Tyelpe is

[21:05] simaethae: turns out Tyelpe actually likes Annatarfor himself even when he forgets to constantly fake a more amenable persona??

[21:05] Yavieriel: right, and being surprised how much itmatters to him that Tyelpe does care about his not-human aspects

[21:05] simaethae: yesssss

[21:05] simaethae: Annatar wouldn’t have expected himself tocare!

[21:06] Yavieriel: right! He’s a shapeshifter by nature, it shouldn’t matter which form[s] hislover is attracted to they’re all his technically

[21:06] Yavieriel: but. Tyelpe is just into him, as a person, regardless

[21:06] simaethae: probably they go through kind of a weirdphase where Annatar’s like “so what would you like me to look liketonight” before they both work out that’s…. not really doing it foreither of them

[21:07] simaethae: (well, for Annatar maybe a /little/, but)

[21:07] Yavieriel: maybe Annatar’s native species is somekind of hyper-evolved octopus

[21:07] simaethae: ….i mean on the one hand excuse fortentacles, but on the other hand cephalopods ARE really good at camouflage??

[21:08] Yavieriel: it does a little for Annatar but he sortof realizes that it’s more “letting Tyelpe decide what he looks like/setrules” than the shapeshifting per se

[21:08] Yavieriel: right, like I was trying to think of whatwould be a good shapeshifty-species and also a native form that’s still atleast sorta appealing by human standards?

[21:10] Yavieriel: Annatar as something sort of like thishttps://i.pinimg.com/736x/83/61/49/836149daf9187173d766a3076eb762f9–octopus-mermaid-a-mermaid.jpg

[21:10] Yavieriel: but with golden hair-tentacles

[21:10] simaethae: YEAH

[21:10] simaethae: sharp teeth :)

[21:11] Yavieriel: and like, extrasensory stuff going on viaidk, telepathic tentacles or something?

[21:11] Yavieriel: RIGHT

[21:11] simaethae: some sort of electromagnetic ESP stuff?

[21:12] simaethae: because i’m p sure some fish can actuallydo that, idk about cephalopods but it wouldn’t surprise me

[21:12] Yavieriel:https://i.pinimg.com/736x/dd/6a/9b/dd6a9b56efa1308938dd8f9eee4cc4a4–elf-warrior-fantasy-warrior.jpgooooh, there we go, the hair-tentacles like I was thinking

[21:13] Yavieriel: yeah, and also now Tyelpe knows whyAnnatar always had perfect hair

[21:13] simaethae: NICE

[21:14] simaethae: also Annatar getting turned on by Tyelpebeing an alien to /him/?

[21:15] Yavieriel: Annatar’s native form isn’t actually verywell adapted for surviving on land, but they have a great deal of fun figuringout a sort of hybrid state that’s a bit more humanoid and handles being on land(or at least, in bed) better

[21:15] simaethae: (“your spinal vertebrae are in thesame place /all the time/?” “yes, uh, please don’t try to rearrangethem - ”)

[21:16] Yavieriel: the oxygen-deprivation can be fun, butthey’d rather not have to work around it every time they feel like getting thetentacles out

[21:17] simaethae: yeah, and also presumably Annatarwouldn’t actually be super comfortable in unsalted chlorinated water withoutany adaptations, so the bath wouldn’t be a great solution

[21:18] Yavieriel: right, like, sure Tyelpe can afford tohave a large saltwater tank installed but that has it’s own disadvantages, andAnnatar really enjoys the more decadent lifestyle possible when everythingisn’t underwater

[21:18] simaethae: …Tyelpe kind of pausing and blushingwhen Annatar gets comfortable enough to start, like, picking things up with hishair :)

[21:18] Yavieriel: yesss

[21:19] simaethae: yeah, or at least when the localtechnology isn’t well-adapted for underwater and your boyfriend can’t breathewithout air

[21:19] Yavieriel: also really fascinated by the variousneurotoxins and whatnot that Annatar is capable of producing

[21:19] Yavieriel: that too

[21:20] Yavieriel: hypothermia tends to be an issue as well

[21:20] simaethae: oooh, accidents with chemicals

[21:21] Yavieriel: Annatar’s completely resistant to allsorts of chemicals that are poisonous to humans, but turns out [totally commonhuman food] is a potent aphrodisiac for his species

[21:21] simaethae: Annatar’s species totally produce a wholerange of neurochemicals for reproduction/bonding with a mate and they’re not…totally incompatible with human physiology, although it’s a slightlydistressing interval before Tyelpe reassures him this is the GOOD kind of pupildilation

[21:21] Yavieriel: oooh, yes

[21:22] simaethae: or gets him drunk! :)

[21:22] simaethae: that one time Annatar walked out of ameeting where they had [snacks with ingredient in] now suddenly makes a lotmore sense

[21:23] Yavieriel: right! And another common food is extremely poisonous and there’s a ratherworrying incident where Tyelpe has to desperately hope that his understandingof alien biology is sufficient for him to appropriately treat it

[21:24] Yavieriel: also, Annatar now has an entirely newrange of options for terrorizing his subordinates

[21:24] simaethae: mm, and/or Annatar being like “don’tworry, I’m used to dealing with toxic chemicals, let me just do some quickinternal surgery” while Tyelpe’s like “what”

[21:25] simaethae: (i kind of think Annatar would be veryneedy and demand to have his brow mopped in response to minor injuries butdisturbingly blase about more major ones)

[21:26] Yavieriel: true, Annatar basically reaching in andrearranging his own internal organs in a very disturbing fashion

[21:27] Yavieriel: well, I was going for “actually foronce genuinely incapacitated”

[21:28] simaethae: aw, yeah. Annatar being like “youidiot I’ll be fine I just need to - ” [drops unconscious] :/

[21:28] Yavieriel: of course possibly Annatar doescavalierly rearrange his own organs and then passes out, all “I’ll be fineI just need to sleep this off now” but Tyelpe is understandably (andcorrectly) Very Concerned about this

[21:29] simaethae: right, also someone going bonelesslyunconscious when they literally do not have any actual bones is a surprisinglytricky logistical challenge

[21:30] Yavieriel: akldfj;sdk yeah, Tyelpe trying to figureout how the hell to move an unconscious octopus that’s basically twice the sizeof an adult human once you factor in all the tentacles

[21:32] simaethae: right, and kind of hoping he doesn’ttouch anything that triggers a reflexive sting while Annatar’s unconscious>_>

[21:33] simaethae: aslfn wait let me make it worse. Annatartotally does sting on reflex while unconscious, but his body recognises Tyelpeas his mate and decides now is definitely the time to shoot him up witheuphorics

[21:33] Yavieriel: ooooh

[21:33] Yavieriel: yeah that would be extremely not helpful

[21:34] Yavieriel: mmm, and leading in tonot-really-conscious Annatar trying to mate with Tyelpe like he’s another ofthe same species

[21:34] Yavieriel: which

[21:34] simaethae: which doesn’t make Tyelpe exactlynot-worried, because getting high isn’t the same as not having emotionsanymore, but does make him kind of poorly coordinated and probably prone toending up with both of them half-in the bathtub with Annatar on an improvisedIV line, while Tyelpe gives in and snuggles

[21:34] simaethae: omg

[21:35] Yavieriel: Does Not Work, but in ways that are…decidedly interesting

[21:37] Yavieriel: Tyelpe snuggling Annatar in the bathtuband waking up to tentacles doing something that is… not exactly pleasant butstill rather sexy

[21:38] simaethae: Annatar being groggily affectionatebecause mate! here! everything is correct and good! while Tyelpe is kind ofworried he’s taking advantage of Annatar in an altered state of consciousnessbut also a) that feels really good if extremely weird and b) it’s a good jobTyelpe’s into this because Annatar’s pretty determined to snuggle >_>

[21:38] Yavieriel: yessss

[21:39] simaethae: right, he’s kind of worried this is goingto end with eggs being laid in /someone/ but not enough to actually stop :)

[21:40] Yavieriel: warm salt-water because Tyelpe did havethe foresight to put together an emergency kit of sorts to make the bathwatermore appropriate for Annatar’s natural state, but that’s also encouraging, ah,mating behavior

[21:40] simaethae: yep!!

[21:40] Yavieriel: la;dkfjs;lkafj YES >.>

[21:41] simaethae: Annatar’s biology being like, “ah,clearly this is a warm tidal rock-pool, the perfect place to spawn”>_>

[21:41] Yavieriel: he’s pretty sure the thought ofegg-laying shouldn’t be turning him on either but he did decide to bang anoctopus-alien, soooo

[21:41] simaethae: alfgblgn

[21:43] Yavieriel:https://thattoychick.wordpress.com/2014/07/12/weird-sex-toys-o-the-week-the-what-dildo-edition/it is a thing

[21:43] simaethae: Annatar’s been great about exploringhuman sex, Tyelpe doesn’t want to make him feel as if his natural behaviour isunwelcome! Tyelpe can totally try out whatever Annatar’s into for once! no,really. he’s ready to explore this any time now

[21:44] Yavieriel: hilariously I once ran across someoneusing one of those to do jello shots, because you make the “eggs” outof gelatin

[21:44] simaethae: oh my god

[21:44] simaethae: what do you know you really can findeverything on the internet

[21:45] Yavieriel: you can! It’s amazing

[21:48] Yavieriel: [sighs]

[21:48] Yavieriel: alright, it’s quarter to five, and if Iwant to finish sweeping the driveway before it gets dark, I need to go do that

[21:49] simaethae: yeah i’m getting sleepy again

[21:49] Yavieriel: go sleep, that’s important if you’regoing to feel better

[21:49] simaethae: good luck with the driveway in that case!i’m glad we managed to get from “really bad modern AUs” tooviposition kink in a single conversation :>