#this is like the first time since september i've been able to stop talking before the ~15th tag. goodbye 👍

[peridots-pixiwolf]

[Start ID. A drawing of the Hollow Knight and Ghost, for the game Hollow Knight's sixth anniversary. Hollow passes to Ghost a cupcake decorated by an unlit "6" candle—Hollow's shown from the shoulders up, and Ghost is in full view as they sit on top of their sibling's head. The drawing is almost entirely in shades of cerulean, save for the pink clouds forming part of the background. End ID]

Happy birthday to them :]

[sanctus-ingenium]

we need to talk about Inprnt.com

Following a really good post with more screenshots and evidence by @dynasoar5 i'm going to talk about my own experiences with @inprnt and why I am about to put my shop on indefinite hiatus from Monday the 14th of August.

First of all I'll say that since starting my print shop last year it has been a significant help to me financially - I was able to not worry about affording car insurance or motor tax (together commonly over a thousand euro) when I bought my first car, for example. I am immeasurably grateful to anyone who chose to buy one and I treasure all the pictures I've been sent of my prints hanging up on people's walls. Right now they are displayed in a real (if small) art exhibition in my home town.

(top right print is not from inprnt though)

They're great prints. Never had any complaints about them. But here's what's going on behind the scenes.

Earlier this year, around March or April, Inprnt sales started increasing in regularity. I'd made as much as $600 a week during previous sales when I made proper promo posts here, but with this increase in regularity, I felt that I couldn't make promo posts every single week. And then one day, I'm not sure when tbh, the sale just never ended. It just didn't stop having that "Ending soon! 15% off your order" banner at the top of the site. Right now it says "Final Hours: $5 Worldwide shipping and save up to 35% off your order!" and not even for a second do I believe in this final hours bullshit. It's been 'final hours' for weeks now. Months, even.

Why is this a problem? Well, how tf am I meant to make a promo post for a sale that is always "ending soon!!" and then never ends. One week it'll say "this weekend only!!" and then when the weekend is over, the sale banner just changes its wording and the sale doesn't end. I can't promo this, it makes me look like a liar and a skeevy salesman by association! It makes the site look like it's 1 week from crashing and burning, and the site owners are just scrabbling to suck as much money from artists as possible before they drown.

And they are sucking money from us. To peel back the curtain, Inprnt money can only be transferred to my paypal account 30 days after the sale is made, just in case the order is cancelled and refunded. This means I used to make one withdrawal every couple of months, when there was enough build-up of money to make it worthwhile. It also forbids withdrawing any sum under $50 btw. I would make a withdrawal request and then, after a 10 business day wait, it would reach my Paypal account.

Not anymore! The past few withdrawals have taken over a month to complete. They are straight up keeping my earnings from me for longer the agreed period. This was my last fulfilled withdrawal:

Note the date.

Almost two months.

And here is the latest withdrawal request that still has not been fulfilled.

It's coming up on 1 month and if the pattern continues, it could literally be November or December by the time I fully clear all sales.

So what's going to happen to my print shop? Because my art is currently being exhibited with a QR code linking to the shop, I can't close the shop this week. Instead I will close it on Monday the 14th of August, next week. That means that on the 14th of September, I can withdraw all of the remaining money without having any left over. My account balance will go to 0 and stay there. Although I'll de-list my prints I will leave my account there, because at the end of the day I don't want to leave Inprnt. It still offers the best artist margins and as I'm now unemployed after graduating, the additional support is such a load off my mind. So this is a chance to wait and see - if they improve their services, I'll happily re-open.

It's a big deal to me because selling prints is sort of my ideal life as an artist. I never had the attention span or self-discipline for commission work and I found that it left me creatively stagnant. I always want to try new things, new concepts and ideas, and being able to think "yeah, people will like this as a print" while I experiment is honestly very reassuring. And I know that in going on hiatus, it'll break a lot of "buy a print" links in my circulating posts. Oh well lmao. If you want to buy a print right now - go ahead, it might be your last opportunity. Another way to support me would be to check out my ko-fi for once-off donations or some nice sketchbooks/comics/book samples you can buy, or subscribing to my Patreon.

As of right now, Inprnt owes me $381 (the unfulfilled request submitted above for $186.60 and my current standing balance of $194.80 which takes 30 days from each transaction to clear).

[aetlasx]

prologue

pair: eddie munson x witch!reader

summary: Ah, memories. You journal your first day of high school, but things quickly take a turn just a few weeks later.

tw: menstruation, pad/tampons, bullying, name calling (pls lmk if there��s anything I missed)

a/n: just stick with me lol. he’ll be in the first part. Also, this is an AU!! For spooky season!! thank you so much for reading!!

*the chat font is the diary entry and it goes back to normal at the end*

August 22nd, 1983 It's been a few months since i've written in this thing. I thought it'd be a good time to start now since I finally made it to high school!

You know what that means? Four more years till I leave this shithole!! Better than five. June was actually waiting by the door when I got home, she really wanted to hear every detail of how it went. I told her about my classes, I have Jonathan in two and Nancy in several. I told her how the school and people were so different from anything I was used to. But, it doesn't take her long to find something wrong with the way I think. She started with her usual warnings and advice, all the things I need to avoid, all the mistakes I shouldn't make. I know she's just trying to protect me, but it feels like she can never have trust in her little sister.

On the other hand, at least Teddy asked if I had fun. He's always been the one who knows how to lighten the mood, especially knowing how his wife is. He asked about my teachers and any clubs that looked cool enough to join. He even asked about Jonathan and Nancy.

Jonathan was definitely not as excited as me. He's quite, but he's always been that way.I know that his mom was excited for his first day of high school, she even convinced him to bring his camera. Right now, I'm trying to convince him to join the newspaper but he just shrugs me off. And Nancy, well, although it's been one–girl is practically glow. Within just 8 hours of the school day, she was able to meet a boy. She kept gushing about him and is pretty excited for the rest of the school year here. I'm genuinely happy for her.

Before June could add her two cents, I interrupted her with how I stopped by Aunt Claudia's after school to see how Dustin's day went. He was already sprawled out on the couch, 'exhausted' from fighting with his new math teacher. It had been a bit since I had seen them, I slaved away my summer at my job so stopping by, I felt grateful that they weren't even mad. I'll have to start hanging out with him again.

Anyways, I’m determined to make the most of freshman year with my friends. I’m ready to prove that I’m more than just a product of this stupid town.

Wish me luck!!

September 16th, 1983

I think I lied. I don’t know where to start…but a four year wait is too long. I don’t know where it all went wrong but it started over the weekend.

Sometimes I’d like to think that if my mom was still around, this wouldn’t have happened. Hell, June is like my mom, why did it happen. I’m talking about mother nature’s gift. It seemed as though no on thought to inform me that a girls first period would be this chaotic.

Nance and I had a movie night planned. I hadn’t really talked to her much, only in class, because her new boy toy or whatever—Steve Harrington, was taking up most of her time. I thought this would be a good time to just catch up and gossip, I was wrong. That Friday was horrible. I ended up throwing up, getting the chills, my body ached to no end. But I was still determined to make movie night happen, especially since June and Teddy were gone for the weekend.

As I was dying on the couch, Nancy finally showed up. But to my disappointment, it was only to cancel. Her and Steve were going out on their first date. I don’t know if it was how hot I was feeling or my intestines twisting, but black spots started clouding my vision. I just remember her screaming for Steve and once I knew it, I woke up in the hospital.

What I’m about to write, I’ll say with confidentiality…probably because I’m the only one reading this. Whatever.

A period is probably normal for all females. What’s not normal is having to go to the hospital and having your best friend’s boyfriend make fun of you because the doctor called you a late bloomer. I mean, she apologized but, if I could’ve just died on that bed, I wouldn’t be here.

Even June lectured me when I interrupted her weekend getaway. The whole ride home she kept complaining and saying ‘how could I not know’ and ‘you just gave us another unnecessary bill’. Like, sorry my baby’s natural response has ruined something for you.

Fuck. That’s not even the worst part. When Monday came back around, everyone was looking at me when I walked in. I know how cliche it sounds after what had just happened but knowing how popular Harrington was and who his friends were, he had already told the whole school by now. During gym, Carol and a few other girls threw pads and tampons at me. I got called ‘Bloody Mary’ and ‘Leak Freak’ in the hallways, at lunch, and anytime anyone had the chance. I tried to stay strong, I even hoped Nancy would say something to me during class or at least when she saw me but she just looked at me with sympathetic eyes. It’s just hard to believe that a few weeks ago, everything was fine. We were making fun of our teacher, gossiping with Barb, and even went shopping but I guess things change. Now when I look at her I’m just consumed with rage.

Jonathan has been supportive, though. The evening I got out of the hospital, he had actually brought over some of my favorite snacks and listened to me cry all night. Even when the mocking was bad, he’s stuck by my side. He’s told some kids to fuck off, walks me to class, and I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong but knowing that I have to wake up and go through it again doesn’t really ease my pain.

I feel like my chances of making friends and actually joining some clubs are ruined. When I try talking to some new, they give me dirty looks. When I go to ask about different clubs, they turn me away. I’ve lost hope. Thought this was suppose to be a fresh start but I guess not.

And just to add more salt to the wound, I haven’t been able to sleep. Every time I close my eyes and drift to away, I’m met with such an unsettling environment. The atmosphere is thick, groggy, red. It’s coated in fog, but a man I’ve never seen before always walks through it. He says his name is Henry, he starts talking about my worries and pain. It’s always the same—he says he’s ‘there to help me’, he’s there to ‘take away the pain because he knows what it’s like’. I truly don’t know what has caused my subconscious to create things like this but I guess I’m just tired of feeling like shit.

I don’t even know why I bother keeping a journal around. Sometimes I feel like I won’t even be here in the future to reminisce on the shitty days like this. Why would I even? I guess it’s just easier to write these things down than having to say them out loud. I thought I’d be able to make my sister, aunt, cousin, and friends proud, but I’m starting to think I’m just not cut out for this.

Closing the diary, the blonde places it back in the shoebox you hid it in. Pushing it back under your bed, standing from the place he sat. A satisfied smirk on his face.

He’d been following your turmoil closely, knowing that this was just the turning point. Your struggles were feeding into his plans. This entry was straw that broke the camels back—your vulnerabilities, your fears, and your desperations. It was almost too easy.

“Your suffering is almost poetic,” Henry said to himself, walking out of your room, your house, determined to take action now. He planned to finally confront you, to force you to acknowledge the full extent of what your destiny could be with his help—with what he had to offer.

[rivalsforlife]

Ace Attorney Investigations Collection Interview Highlight

This is coming a little late - on September 1st, just before the release of the AAI collection, there was an interview on Netlab with Tatsuro Iwamoto (character designer), Kenichi Hashimoto (named in this article as the producer of the AA series overall), and Shunsuke Nishida (producer of the AAIC collection) about the games. It's a long interview with a lot of interesting elements including the reactions to the announcement, a brief mention of the consideration of changing some moments for modern times (example given is the LGBTQ content in the 456 collection - I believe referring to some events in DD, but no specifics), details into the process of upgrading the character minisprites, the staff's favorite characters and cases, why Franziska is 13 in the key art, and other fun details. The part I want to highlight here is what they say about upcoming merch and the future of the ace attorney series.

This small segment of the interview had one part previously translated by nintendoeverything, but there are some little details that I noticed in the full interview that were incorrect so I'm posting this here. But please note that I'm doing this primarily with auto-translate with tiny corrections on the tiny bits of AA-related words in Japanese that I know, which isn't much, so there are likely still inaccuracies in this. Please don't hesitate to correct me if you spot any!

--The " Ace Attorney Series" merchandise has been very popular, including the "Ace Attorney Investigations Lottery" held on Capkuji Online. What do you think about fans purchasing merchandise? Hashimoto : As for merchandise, I have the impression that it sells out across the board for the past few years. The "Ace Attorney" series merchandise is basically sold out on the first day, and it's the same for the "Ace Attorney Investigations" series. This year is the 15th anniversary of the "Ace Attorney Investigations" series, and I've been talking to the store staff about "putting out a lot of Ace Attorney Investigations-related merchandise". There are things that we haven't been able to put out before because it's the 15th anniversary, so this year, the "Ace Attorney Investigations" series is especially hot. There are still some goods that haven't been released, so please look forward to them.

Since there hasn't been much AAI merchandise since around the time of the original release of AAI, I'm super looking forward to seeing what they'll put out. The Capkuji Online lottery they speak of is the one that had the giant tsum of Edgeworth, and I really hope they someday will make that available for general purchase.

--Many fans are hoping that purchasing merchandise will lead to new releases, but is that actually the case? Hashimoto: That's true. The fact that we have such passionate players' support is something that the entire company, including the management, can recognize, even more than just us developers, so it's very important. Of course, the sales of merchandise itself do not cover the development costs of new titles, but it does lead to discussions about how to develop the game in the future if it's that popular, so the fact that people are purchasing merchandise is a very important indicator.

AA merchandise does seem to be doing very well.

--Since this is a work with many overseas fans, we asked overseas users, "What would you like to tell the developers? What would you like them to hear?" Particularly impressive was the feedback from users living in independent language regions, who were pleased with the multilingual support for "Ace Attorney Investigations 1 & 2 Collection," following "Ace Attorney Apollo Justice Trilogy." In the midst of all this, the one thing that has been attracting attention is the future development of the "Ace Attorney Investigations Series." What are your thoughts on this? Hashimoto : We will not stop the "Ace Attorney Investigations Series" content. Of course, we want to develop it in various ways, including other media types. I think there will be something to tell you when it is time to make an announcement, but at the moment I can't say anything.

This part is what was translated in the interview I linked, but it misses a few key distinctions: One is the specification of "Ace Attorney Investigations" over "Ace Attorney". (Or "Gyakuten Kenji" vs "Gyakuten Saiban", if that makes things clearer.) So that makes me think that this isn't referring to an AA7 or Apollo Justice anime, but something specific to the AAI games -- whether that's an anime adaptation, maybe another stage play, or possibly in the future...... aai3.

Another note is what the translated interview calls "mixed media", which comes from "メディアミックス" (literally "media mix"). "Mixed media" in English, to my knowledge, generally refers to a single piece of art which is made up of different forms, which is not what they're talking about here. The Japanese term used here appears to mean more of a "multimedia franchise" - extending the series beyond just games, to other forms that will bring in a wider audience - which makes me think they have something in the works that's not a new game, but something in a different form related to AAI. So I'm curious about what they have planned, whether it would be an adaptation of the existing games or original work with the same characters like my favorite stage play Turnabout Teleportation.

And on the topic of stage plays...

--While there are many die-hard fans of the plays, unfortunately the performance of " Ace Attorney: Turnabout Parallel World " has been postponed. Will we ever get to see lawyer Miles Edgeworth, the perfect idol Franziska von Karma, and the number one host Larry Butz? Also, is there any possibility of a novelization? Iwamoto : (Whispering) Please say it. Please say it more (laughs). Hashimoto : Due to the schedules of the cast, it may be difficult to do it in exactly the same format, but I personally would like to see it. I'm always thinking about how I want to do it and make it happen.

Turnabout Parallel World was a stage play intended for 2020 that got postponed for obvious reasons... and then rescheduled for 2021, where it was postponed again for the same obvious reasons. It hasn't been officially cancelled and we haven't heard anything about it since then, and to my knowledge this is the first acknowledgement of it since then. It does sound like they want to include it in some way.

Novelizations of new AA stories aren't a new concept, but have typically been Japan-only and not gained much traction in the English-speaking fandom.

Finally, Hashimoto's comments to close out the interview:

Hashimoto: As I mentioned at the beginning, I thought it was important to have people play existing content on the current platform, and with the release of "Ace Attorney Investigations 1 & 2 Collection," we're finally ready. I want to deliver it to people who don't know about the "Ace Attorney Series" or haven't touched it, including people in countries with additional languages, as well as in Japan. As I mentioned earlier, we will not stop the "Ace Attorney Series" after that, and it will continue to the 25th and 30th anniversaries. We would like to continue preparing for new developments and expand the series.

The use of "Ace Attorney Series" here doesn't make a distinction between mainline or investigations (just "Gyakuten series"). So while there's definitely something in the works for AAI, there's probably something for mainline as well.

The 25th anniversary is coming up fairly soon in 2026, with the 30th anniversary in 2031. This is not nearly as far away as it feels like it should be. Judging by this interview and similar ones over the last year, it feels more and more likely that we will be getting new ace attorney content in one form or another in the next couple of years at least.

Of note to the Athena fans, the interview also contains this comment from Hashimoto, when talking about favorite characters in AAIC and the series overall:

Throughout the series, I've always liked Athena (Cykes). I've always thought to myself, "I wonder if there's something Athena can do as the main character?" (laughs).

It's not the most serious statement or necessarily a promise, but maybe the tiniest nugget of hope for Athena fans.

Anyways, those are the highlights of the interview from me - again please correct me if there's anything that needs correcting. I highly encourage people to check out the full interview since it has lots of interesting stuff, and hopefully there will be a properly translated version of it out someday!

[zenia62]

Daendels Downfall as Governor-General

Hii everyone!! ✨️ As I promised, I'll be explaining on why Daendels was replaced as a governor-general of the Dutch East Indies. It's going to be a bit complicated n long but I'll try my best to summarize them ^^

In an article I've read, when Daendels ruled the Dutch East Indies, many Dutch people despise his action as it was heavily inspired by the French Empire style. Before Daendels arrival, the Dutch ppl had divided powers among themselves and basically did some corruption to enrich themselves aswell. Ever since he came, they all lost many of their income n those who disagree with his way of ruling etc, will be sent back to their homeland by boat.

Those who got sent back complained abt Daendels to the minister of Holland at that time, Van Der Heim. The thing was, Van Der Heim also hated Daendels. So he used this opportunity to bring him down. Van Der Heim started a campaign to remove Daendels from the position of governor-general. He believed that Daendels should be replaced by Jan Willem Janssens.

"Jan Willem was shy of a good job. Although he realized that he might not have been the most capable person for the Indies, he really wanted to tackle something new"

Van Der Heim n Janssens are friends and Janssens himself was able to make a good first impression on everyone. The example can be seen bellow.

"At that time he was part of the Dutch segation that came to inform Napoleon in Rambouillet of Louis's 'decision' to resign. On the spot, he had a long meeting with Napoleon about Indies affairs on August 16, in which he – apparently successfully – conveyed the last gossip about Daendels."

The worst part was that Van Der Heim said to have stopped paying Dutch salary (maybe like a subsidies?) To Aleida, Daendels wife, while he was ruling in the Dutch East Indies.

"On July 31, in a new letter to the emperor, he wrote: "Daendels is a bad man, but we have his wife and his children". It does say something about the level of Lebrun, or about the culture of the French empire at that time, to immediately see the family of the governor-general of the Indies as a hostage."

Why would Lebrun (Friend of Van Der Heim I believe. I kinda forgot 😔) held Daendels family hostage?? I still don't understand this part to be honest. But it doesn't end here. Van Der Heim also wrote a critic report about Daendels.

"One of his biggest aproaches against Daendels was that he had wrongly reported that it was quiet in Bantam (Banten)."

"Another accusation was that Daendels brigadier, Sandol Roy had been deposed on Java."

Actually, talking abt Sandol Roy, he was a commander-in-chief of the Batavian army in Dutch East Indies. He was actually planning to arrested Daendels when he arrived in the Indies, but I think before he can do that, Daendels sent him back to homeland for being too old in the army? (istg I read this somewhere but I forgot 🫠)

Back to Lebrun, on August 20 1810, he wrote the most horrible things abt Daendels to Napoleon. Lebrun also agreed to replace Daendels. He wrote this to Napoleon.

“There is a French officer here, a brigadier general, a brother of Rouget de Lille, the author I believe of the Marseillaise. He was supposed to go to Batavia with Daendels, but was captured during the crossing. I believe he can be trusted.”

Napoleon responded w this.

“I don't know who Rouget de Lille's brother is. I think I'm going to send a Dutchman.”

September 6 : “Because of the language I want to send – from Saint Malo – Dutch troops, a small battalion with four companies of 120 men each. Find good officers for me. Send me Daendels' correspondence.”

At this point, I feel like Napoleon had been influenced by those ppl that Daendels is bad. Not long after this Napoleon sent Denis Decres, a French minister to Holland. According to him, Daendels must be replaced immediately.

And finally at November 16, 1810, Napoleon made his decision to send Janssens to Java, his salary (500.000 francs) were 3 times higher than Daendels. At November 24, 1810, Decres officially wrote a resignation letter to Daendels on behalf of Napoleon.

“The Emperor has informed himself of your correspondence, especially your letters to the king. The king had an unpleasant feeling left by your letter of November 30 last year. The poor state of your health was the reason for him to send you a successor. He thought it was good for you to give you some peace after a few years in the bad climate of Java.”

Decres was js yapping reasons imo as I never found any evidence so far abt Daendels complaining being ill or anything but anway-

On May 16 1811, Daendels handed his stuff to Janssens who had js arrived in the Dutch East Indies. While all this were happening, Napoleon was informed on how they (I assumed are soldiers) saw that Daendels had served the French well.

“The French flag flies everywhere in this colony. Daendels has implemented the change with caution and wisdom”

“I have seen the most beautiful country in the world. No one in Europe has any idea about this. Daendels has achieved great things in a short time. In times of war, he was completely on his own. He restored authority, built up an army without help from abroad and built major roads so that communication, transport of troops and ammunition is possible from one end of the island to the other [more than 1000 kilometers].”

“When we arrived in this country, we found the French flag on all the forts. General Daendels had made everyone swear the oath of allegiance to the emperor and that went very solemnly. You cannot imagine how active this general is and what he has done for the service of the colony."

When Daendels returned back to France on November 1811, he met Decres. After having an interview w him, Decres told Napoleon that they had made a mistake for replacing Daendels as he had done much better than they had heard/assumed. Not long after this, Janssens in the Indies had failed to protect the attack of the British and Dutch East Indies was later ruled by Raffles.

That's all for now ^^ I'm sorry if there is misinformation due to translation 🙏 Feel free to correct me or if u know more, pls do tell me 🫶 This topic to me kinda made me feel angry at Napoleon for js believing those ppl so easily without thinking twice 😮‍💨 The fact that Janssens ended up js giving away Dutch East Indies so easily to the British was the worst part. If Daendels replacement were at least the same level as him then maybe it would be a different story but- 😭😭 I feel bad for Daendels at this part 😕 Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this n if y'all have any questions, feel free to ask🫡 I'll try to answer them. Thank you guys for reading this n have a great day!! 🌙

[tokidokitokyo]

2023年8月31日

お久しぶりですね！Hello, I'm still here! My study log has been on a hiatus since the end of May, but I am here to regale you with tales of my Japanese studies. Why the hiatus? The usual suspects: Work, real life (including vacation!) and family had to take some precedence, but I am still here studying behind the scenes.

I feel refreshed from having had to put down my pencil and focus on other things for a while during the month of August, and so I feel rested and refreshed and I don't feel overwhelmed to come back to my studies. I don't feel like I have to catch up or like I haven't been doing enough during my time off. Rather, I feel very excited to get back into my regular study routine.

お久しぶりですね！まだここにいますよ！日本語の勉強日記が五月の終わりからお久しぶりですね！まだここにいますよ！日本語の勉強日記が五月の終わりから休暇中でしたが、只今戻りました！休暇の理由は？いつも通りでしょうね。仕事や生活や家族ーバカンスも入れてー色々で忙しくて休まなければなれませんでした。しかし勉強の休みはなかった。

8月に色々に集中しないといけなかったので、その間リフレッシュができて今は勉強を続くのは楽しみにしています。バカンスが楽しくても、勉強についてがっかりしているわけじゃなくて、むしろまた勉強ができてわくわくしています。バカンスも大事だし、自分の時間を過ごすのも大事だし、これからまた頑張れると気がします。

Study Methods I Used in June, July, & August

In June through August I mostly studied Vocabulary, Kanji, and Listening. The areas I focused on the least were Writing and Grammar. The study tools I used most were mobile tools so I could bring them with me on my phone anywhere I went.

My pro study tool this summer was the mobile app for renshuu.org because I was able to use vocabulary and kanji flashcards to get in some practice even during busy work days and holidays.

Podcasts were my second pro study tool, especially the Let's Talk in Japanese podcast. I could listen during my work commute, on the plane, while the baby takes a nap, and just before bed.

ママ友 or mom friends are a great way to practice listening & speaking. My son just enrolled in a Japanese preschool and I've already made a few new friends for playdates. Playdates are useful for improving his Japanese and mine!

My 2023 Goals Progress

I laid out some broad goals for my Japanese study in my 2023 Japanese Language Goals post, so here is an update with my progress towards these goals.

1. Read one page a day of 日本の歴史366 (にほんのれきし366) everyday in 2023.

How is it going? Terrible! I did not bring this book on my vacation, so I have not kept up. But I will get back into reading the daily pages as often as possible. I am not going to finish the entire book this year, but that's ok. I still learn something new every time I pick it up, and even retain some of the information! Goal: Read as many entries as possible by the end of the year.

2. Finish 日本語総まとめ N3 (にほんごそうまとめ N3) workbooks.

How is it going? Good! I plan on returning to these workbooks now that things have settled down after my holiday, but I will only be able to do extensive practice on the weekends. I still have two weeks left of exercises in the books, so I think I am on track to finish it by the end of the year.

3. Review and learn the first 6 levels of the 常用漢字 (じょうようかんじ), specifically the 教育漢字 (きょういくかんじ) up to grade 6.

How is it going? Okay! Although I didn't have much time in August to review kanji during my holiday, I was able to get through reviewing Grade 3 of the Kyoiku Kanji during June and July. Goal: Review through at least Grade 4 during the month of September.

4. Read at least one book every two months.

How is it going? Terrible! I still haven't had the time (nor the motivation) to pick back up the books I stopped in March, and I'm trying to be okay with that ^^; I would like to pick back up one book in September and try to finish it by the end of the year. Books are a big commitment, and I have to prioritize my studies, so unfortunately books tend to be the first thing I drop.

5. Improve my speaking and writing by finding a tutor.

How is it going? Terrible! I have not begun to even look for a tutor, despite telling myself I would for the entire month of June. I am not sure if I am going to try to find a tutor at this point or if I will just continue with self-study, writing sentences on HelloTalk, and getting some help from my husband. I would like to try to write more and get my sentences corrected by native speakers. I'd also like to interact with native speakers, but finding the time is really tough.

6. Study Japanese for at least 10 minutes every day.

How is it going? Good! Although the rest of my goals have suffered greatly this summer, my goal of continuing to practice a little bit everyday has allowed me to persevere and to feel like I've accomplished something.

Going Forward in September

I am a bit sad to see the summer go as it's my favourite season, but the changing of seasons is always exciting and motivates me to try new things and continue moving forward.

Focus on Grade 4 of 教育漢字

Write in Japanese on HelloTalk

Read one of the books I started this year by the end of 2023

Read 日本の歴史366 as continuously as possible

Review N3 Grammar

What does everyone else have planned for Japanese study in the fall?

皆さんの秋の勉強予定は何でしょうね？

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

Dear teens following me mainly for fandom reasons,

My young adult years were fucked up. Your young adulthood won't have to look like mine. Be reassured.

However, in the event that like me you get hit by PTSD/C-PTSD - and I don't think anyone can be prepared for that - please take your time to heal and rest. One of the worst mistakes "I" made was to force myself to try a new uni only one month after I stopped exploding. Taking a gap year just to do nothing and lay around was seen as a bad idea, so I went back to school when September rolled around. But my brain wasn't ready yet. I may have started eating again, I may have stopped crying every waking moment (not an exaggeration), but I was traumatised and a brand new person and I needed time to recuperate.

Sure that university course happened to suck a little bit of ass, but most importantly, I couldn't handle it at all. My brain was still strained, in survival mode. I couldn't talk to my classmates. I couldn't handle one hour of class without having to soothe myself from a panic attack before it ended. I couldn't stand up once I got home in the evening. It was too tiring for me. I hadn't recuperated yet. When I realised I was going to jump out of a window any time now, since I didn't actually want to die, I dropped out. Again.

And that traumatised me. For years afterwards I was someone who dropped out twice and was unable to handle university. School phobia? Plain ole stupid? I didn't have the strength for school and I didn't have the strength for work. When I did work, I'd go home exhausted and I couldn't live.

It took a few years to be able to look back and realise how close my "explosion" had been from starting that specific school. Looking back at how HORRIBLE the few months I spent barely surviving, in an intense mental health crisis were, and how close they were from starting that stupid art school, it seems obvious that I couldn't have been ready yet. I genuinely couldn't have been. It's just that back then, I was pressured into pretending I could go back to normal. And it traumatised me. I thought I was unfit for society. For a few years, it convinced me I was someone who was unable to study, when the truth was that my first year of faculty was when I was working up to an explosion, and my first year of private university was when I barely starting to gather my pieces.

What I really needed was to stand around doing nothing. Recuperate for A FEW YEARS. Yes, a decade of trauma will require a few years to recuperate from. Just like a good night's sleep after a long day. I needed to stew on it for a few years. I can't help that I had this experience, and it means that my life has to start a few years later than the majority.

And it's okay. I'm starting to realise that I have my entire life ahead of me. A life is way longer than the few years I've lived. I have no idea what my future looks like, but I'm starting to realise that I have one. Today, I don't think it'd be that shocking if I "started my life" not long before I turn thirty, even though I know people younger than me who are finishing their prestigious studies. I have C-PTSD. They don't. I can't compare myself to them. I need to survive my illness. It's a different life. In fact, I can't imagine being 22 and being about to get started, because that's plain unrelatable!

What is or isn't too tiring won't look the same for everyone with PTSD. I personally was already a candidate to struggle with schooling for a few reasons, one of which being that I had already experienced burn out in high school due to being very, unluckily, sick, the other being that I was planning to run away at 18, never planned on going to uni in my head, and I wound up being freed only a few months before my 18th birthday with a sudden prospect to spend my next few years studying. Someone else might be hit by it at a different age. Someone else might be perfectly fine with going to uni but struggle with other things.

And I'll say one last thing - those few years of "standing around, doing nothing" haven't looked like letting my depression win over me. Never for too long at a time. It has looked like going on stupid little walks for my stupid little mental health, chatting with friends over Discord, watching my favourite shows and dreaming of seeing a concert of my favourite bands. Since I'm a creative person, it has looked like drawing, writing, making stupid little vocal synth covers the entire time. In fact, in the middle of my explosion, whenever I could gather just a little bit of strength to do it, I would draw. Focus on what I drew and rest my mind for just a little bit at a time.

And I'm not even that good at drawing, but it's not what mattered. (And the pieces I created were pretty darn good. But I think if they were really bad, I'd still look back at them fondly, because they'd be a product of my attempts to take care of myself, to survive a horrible, confusing time.) I wasn't able to write because I'm someone who pours her heart out into her writing - and my heart was suffering too much to work. So it happened to look like drawing for me, because drawing just so happened to rest my mind. It could be playing basketball for you.

Your explosion will be caused by something different from mine. The small things you need to make it through each day will look different. You might be a different age. It may last a different amount of years. But what will be true either way is that you'll have been horribly sick, terrified, confused and tired for a long time, and you will need some time to heal.

And you will heal.

Dear adults who follow me, you may have followed me a very long time ago, when I was living in abuse. You continued to follow me when I was freed, when I was working my way up to an explosion, when I exploded and then for the few years of slowly handsewing myself back together that ARE following. I'm like a force of nature you can't escape

[lantur]

mental health stuff,

October marks my four-year anniversary of being in therapy. I have a wonderful relationship with my therapist. She's helped me get through a lot of challenges, from major life stressors like my dad's diagnosis and death, and dealing with my emotionally abusive mother, to dealing with struggles with anxiety, depression, ADHD, workplace issues, etc. 

I've gone from seeing my therapist once a week when I need the extra support, to once a month. She's really happy with the routines and coping skills I've developed, and she joked the other day that she's working herself out of a job - but we won't stop therapy until I'm ready. 

I feel a bit self-conscious about being in therapy for four years, since I don't think most people stay in for that long. Derek pointed out that I was on a great trajectory until last summer when my dad was diagnosed and things took a pretty steep downturn mental health-wise then, which is to be expected. 

I'm really happy with the coping skills I've developed over the years too. I have so many more close friends than I used to, and I know what works for me with regard to managing my ADHD and more or less managing my depression and anxiety. 

One thing I still struggle with is processing my feelings. What I want to do is journal more often, and get my feelings out in between therapy visits. I've used my Tumblr as a journal for 10+ years, which is wild, but I want to be more consistent about it. I write when I'm happy and feeling good, usually at the end of the weekend. 

I want to write more when I'm feeling not so good. And I have been feeling not so good this week. I pride myself on my resilience and my ability to bounce back from difficult, painful situations; on the fact that I can survive and sort-of thrive even in situations that are not ideal. So it's hard for me to admit when I'm not doing so well. I also don't like to dwell on negative emotions, and I choose to emphasize my more positive feelings instead. But I think I have to feel the negative and get it out so I can move on.

I've been having a hard time bouncing back from how bad I felt after my mom's disastrous visit in September. The whole first week after she left, I felt so sad. Last week and so far this week, I've felt so much anger. So much anger over the way she treated me last month, but also last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… 

It's a bitter and confusing thing to have your own mother, who should love you and support you and encourage and uplift you, treat you like dirt. To deliberately try to hurt you at every turn; to always try to tear you down by saying that you're not doing enough, not giving her enough. I tried so hard, SO HARD, for so many years, to make her happy. I was her therapist at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, with no mental health training or background, with major mental health struggles of my own, trying to talk her out of depression, out of suicide. 

No matter what I said or did, it was never enough to make her happy. When I finally broke free of that pattern of trying everything to make her happy - after I started therapy - then she started punishing me with escalating emotional and verbal abuse for making my own life choices that didn't align with the life she wanted me to have. 

For a long time, I felt a huge void in my life due to not being able to have a relationship with my brother due to my adoption. Over time, I've done a lot to fill that void, with my wonderful friends, who are like family to me. It's harder to replace my mom, though. She can't be in my life anymore because she has proven herself truly incapable of treating me with kindness, love, and respect. Nobody in my life has ever hurt me more than she has. 

I have so much anger about my mom treating me the way she has, because I deserved better. I was a child and a teenager who didn't know that at the time, but I see it now. I would never treat a child the way she treated/treats me, let alone my own child. 

I admit it makes me jealous when I see Derek and my friends with good relationships with their moms. It makes me aware that I don't have that. A positive, supportive, loving relationship with your mother seems like such a gift. All I get from mine, all I've gotten for years, is pain. And moms aren't "replaceable," I guess. I can't swap out my mom with someone else, the way I kind of have with my friends / my family of choice as my siblings. 

Derek says that his parents think of me like a daughter, which is sweet, but it's not the same. My greatest hope right now is that one day, I can finally have a good experience of a mother-child relationship, with a child of our own. I deeply hope it works out. 

[aestheticaashes]

actually screw it yeah update post time, buckle up cuz life has literally been insane since The Move initially started and we're gonna sorta cliffnotes this shit starting with stuff i have probably already talked about

✩ got a job offer across the country at the beginning of august, accepted, ended up not making it out of state in time to actually start it due to some transport issues

✩ started heading out at the end of september (finally) alongside my parents, shitass car overheated so hard we couldn't go further, parents headed out and we stuck around where we broke down in my parents' rv which was also having trouble

✩ left the rv mid-october to head back to stay with some family back 'home', been here since

✩ got a job while waiting for parents to be able to help at least me get where we were going and get a job so i can get my husband out there too, lasted two weeks before life problems + my shitty mental health made me quit for Actual Straight-Up Safety Reasons

✩ have spent this entire time being pissed off and trying not to be ungrateful for what i've got but it's difficult because MAN does the family who's letting us stay here make me want to commit crimes. love them to bits but we have. vastly different needs and views.

✩ just like. imagine being a grandparent who is constantly like "are you guys eating enough? do you need help?" while making food that you have been informed your grandchild's husband cannot eat for Health Reasons, and then getting upset that your grandchild gets irritated about the fact you're offering them food their husband cannot eat. she's trying but it's just. frustrating.

✩ got the flu for the first time ever and it knocked me on my fucking ass for almost two weeks, still sort of getting over it almost three weeks after the symptoms fully stopped. when i say i literally lost 10 pounds i couldn't afford to lose i am serious. i couldn't eat fucken ANYTHING it was horrible

✩ have a flight booked to get out of state on Feb 10th!! + have job interviews set up already, so things are looking up, busy packing and cleaning up and making sure my husband (and best friend who is staying with us) will manage to survive without me as i am the only one with Real Life Adult Experience out of the group for a lot of reasons

✩ and i think that's it? idk there's been A Lot and i don't feel like getting into it in detail at this point lmao, it'll edge way too close to me venting

✩ anyways i'm still offering commissions!! just now it's more "pay what you want" because i certainly have time to write i just have trouble working on stuff that's For Me at the moment lol

[discyours]

I remember reading about your issues with prozac (or some other ssri medication?) i wonder if the horrible feelings you experienced slowly went away and if you took chance and tried another med (or maybe you still are on some?) where you stand on the topic of psychiatric meds overall?

Oh wow it's weird seeing someone reference something I posted about 4 years ago. Yeah, I was on prozac and basically went insane. The period is kind of a blur for me, I think I started taking it in late June and stopped early September. I started feeling like somewhat of a human being again in like... January? Maybe february? It definitely took a lot longer than just the 4 weeks after which it was meant to be out of my system.

I honestly feel like I never 100% recovered from it. I've talked to my cousin about it since, he was also on prozac and he said he permanently lost his ability to feel emotions the way he used to. He goes through things that should make him sad, realizes it should make him sad, but it just doesn't hit him. I don't feel quite the same way but it's similar. I'm just disconnected from myself. Things don't really feel like they're happening to me. I feel like I'm floating through life in a body that's not mine, I'm not quite a person, etc.

I genuinely believe that prozac nearly killed me and I will never, ever try another SSRI. "Try it all and see what sticks" protocol can go fuck itself. But my anxiety got to unbearable severity earlier this year, which did get me to try 2 new medications.

I was prescribed lorazepam for emergencies and still have 90% of it sitting in my closet. Don't understand how people get hooked on benzos, it helped me fall asleep but without actually calming me or my body down in any way and getting a full night's sleep while you're wired the whole time is a distinctly unpleasant experience. When I was able to get an appointment with a psychiatrist he gave me the standard recommendation of either trying another SSRI or moving on to an SNRI (same list of side effects, generally prescribed less often because the risk of side effects is higher, no studies on how likely you are to experience them if you've previously had a bad reaction to an SSRI). I did a bunch of my own research and he agreed to let me try buspirone instead on the condition that I would move on to an SNRI if that didn't work (which I did not stick to lmao). Buspirone gave me super vivid nightmares, and brain zaps when I first started which was pretty unpleasant. My dose got upped to 20mg which made me so exhausted I literally couldn't function. My limbs felt 4x heavier than usual, I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I remember one of the first days I was on 20mg I was in the city for an appointment and walking around hoping the side effects would pass enough for me to safely make it home. I got a ton of dirty looks because I looked like I was stumbling around drunk, at 1pm. My dose got reduced back to 10mg which was fine, felt like it was only reducing my anxiety a little but it was bearable enough and I didn't have any side effects anymore. Started getting hives so I had to stop taking it, my anxiety didn't go up when I stopped so I think it was just placebo at that point and now I'm not on anything. I'm not remotely anti medication but my experience up until this point has been so bad that I really just don't want to risk completely destroying my mental health and potentially losing my life to "giving it another shot".

Anyway the tiredness from buspirone fucked with my eyesight so I got my eyes tested and spent like €250 on glasses literally a week before I stopped taking it. I can't see shit with them on and I can see perfectly fine without them now. 0/10.

[honney-pies]

Ma Cherie will be posted September 15th

omg hey guys, so this week was like the worst thing ever, but it's fine. I'm currently at war with this high schooler since he decided to run a red light directly into the side of my car <3

anyway, because of this i haven't been able to apply that much time on writing. luckily i should be done this friday and it going to be a relatively long chapter. right now i'm about a quarter of the way done and i've written 6.8k which is a lot more than anything i've previously done, but because of this i am posting a teaser for the chapter underneath this! i hope you enjoy, muah!!!!

OH - side note - i also spent time rewriting parts of 'birthday girl' to help it make a little more sense!!!

Teaser for chapter three : what once was

Paring: Inuokku/F! reader

length: 1.02k

─── ⋆⋅ October 2017 ⋅⋆ ─── 

When the exchange event came to its conclusion, (Y/N) hadn’t been as amazing as she had hoped. She didn’t make it to the final round of the one-on-one fights, and she made many mistakes in the group battle. She wished she could have done more, fought more. 

She got too ahead of herself and nearly passed out from blood loss. Yuuta had to carry her around for that last part of the group battle, which she was still incredibly embarrassed about. However he assured her many times he didn’t mind it. She had gotten an earful from Yaga and Satoru, Maki had smacked her in the back of the head, Shoko had looked at her endlessly, but kept her thoughts to herself (not before staring at her in a way that made her feel even more embarrassed than she already was), and somehow Nanami even found out and sent her a wall of text telling her not to act that recklessly again. Inumaki had signed so fast she could barely keep up, and she felt awful for making him worry that much. He had sat next to her until Shoko allowed her to leave.

“Try not to pull a stunt like that again, (Y/N). Too much paperwork.” (Y/N) smiled softly, knowing that she was trying to show her concern without outrightly stating it. 

“I’ll try not to, Sho-nee.” Shoko nodded and shooed her away the second she got a text from Utahime. 

When they went outside, (Y/N) felt her phone buzz in her pocket

‘Incoming call from edgelord supreme’

“Oh, ‘gumi wh-”

“What did you do?” (Y/N) paused for a moment. What did I do?

“... huh?” she heard a long sigh on the other end

“Gojo sent me a text saying you wouldn’t be able to get me from school and you’re practically never late.”

“Aw, were you worried about me?” She smiled.

“Nee-san.” She laughed at the huff he let out.

“Ah, um, well I needed to see Shoko. During the event, I pushed myself pretty hard and so I had to stay in the office for a while. But I’m better now!” She looked at Inumaki who showed her the time. 

“It’s pretty late, did you just get home?”

“...No.” (Y/N) let out a sigh.

“Were you bullying kids again?”

“It’s not bullying if they start it, plus you’re the one who told me that bullying works.” She rolled her eyes.

“I said that ‘cause you’d pour ranch, ranch, all over your fries and then wipe your fingers on your shirt. It was gross, and now you don’t use your shirt as a napkin.” Inumaki was laughing quietly next to her as the two continued walking to their respective dorms. 

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine, ‘gumi. Nothing I haven’t done before. You had a test today right? How was it?”

“It was fine, I guess. Boring.” She looked around and noticed that Noritoshi was waiting for her on a bench just outside the dorms. 

“Hey, ‘gumi, I gotta go, but I’ll call you back later okay?” He stopped his tangent about this one girl who wouldn’t stop trying to cheat and said okay.

“Can you facetime so I can see the ‘hottie’ you were talking about earlier?”

“Which one?” 

“Black hair guy.”

“Oh, Okkotsu. No, he’s in the infirmary right now, but we’ll call you back okay? We’ll introduce you to him soon.”

“Hi, Inumaki-san. Bye, Inumaki-san.” (Y/N) chuckled before hanging up. 

“Toge, you head back first. I’ll be there in a sec.” He nodded, but not before giving her hand a squeeze. (Y/N) made her way over to her brother and sat down next to him.

“What you did today was reckless.” She groaned.

“Not you too.” He looked over at her, the tiniest traces of a smile on his lips. 

“Yes, me too.” 

“It’s nothing either of us haven’t done before. I don’t know why everyone is acting as if there won’t be days where I’ll be put in a worse situation.” He sighed and looked at her.

“We all know that being a shaman comes with its occupational hazards, but that doesn’t change how -how idiotic you were acting. You were actively drawing blood out of your body and trying to control it with no medium to ease that burden. That’s dangerous! I know that we all will have to put our lives on the line a million times over for this lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean one should seek out death. There is a difference between risking death to win and being willing to die.” She peeked over at him and saw the furrowed brows, his worry lines creased.

“You sound like my dad.” 

“Well Gojo-san is right.” She looks at him with wide eyes before bursting at the seams and letting out a loud laugh. 

“I wasn’t talking about Toru, to be specific, I meant in general.” He glanced towards her and frowned.

“He adopted you, did he not?”

“He did.” He nodded his head before looking back over.

“Is he- is he nice?” (Y/N) looked at him before smiling.

“He’s the best dad I could’ve asked for.” Noritoshi looked down at the ground, a smile fully formed on his lips.

“That’s good.” She glanced at him a couple times before she began to fidget, picking at her nail beds.

“I… I’m sorry for making you worry. I’ll be more careful in the future.” She moved her body to face his. She hesitantly wrapped her arms around him. He froze for a second before wrapping his arms around her.

“I’m sorry for not being there for you and not being a good brother, (Y/N).” She felt her emotions bubble their way to the surface.

“I forgive you. It’s not like I was the best sister either. Thank you for being here for me now.” They sat like that for a while, not moving. 

That night they opened their hearts for one another, letting each other in. In the future they would slowly grow a bond and finally become the siblings they have longed to be for the other. But that’s the future. Tonight was the first step into becoming a family, towards healing.

_______________________

taglist:

@staygoldsquatchling02

@illyrian-moonswarrior

[theghostpinesmusic]

Well, for all of June Goose has been on summer tour. And because of the miracle(s) that is modern technology, I got to watch the first three shows (two from The Factory in St. Louis and the first of two shows at Fiddler's Green in Denver) live from my couch. I had to miss watching the second Fiddler's show live because I wanted to spend time with, you know, my actual friends instead, but the first three shows were fantastic and the fourth and fifth, which I've watched non-live since, were just as good. I'll get around to watching the rest of the tour sometime this summer, of course. And recapping the highlight-iest of highlight jams here before long.

Before switching over to a June and July (and August and September and probably most of the fall) that will be chock-full of Goose content, though, I want to talk about 2/22's "A Wave Of Hope" and how 2/22 as a whole might be the best Phish show I've ever heard.

Yeah, that's a thing I just wrote.

I've gone through all this before, sure, but to just drill the point home for a moment: I've been listening to this band fairly obsessively since the year 2000. I've listened to hundreds of their shows, seen them fifty times in person, and likely watched the same number of concerts via webcast since 2021. Though I tend to focus on the shows they've played since 2009, since that was the first year I was actually able to afford tickets and travel to see them play, I'm also pretty well-versed in at least the landmark shows of every touring year from 1992 onward.

In short, among terminally online Phish fans, I'd be seen as a n00b, but by the lights of anyone else in the actual world, I have a pretty encyclopedic knowledge of the music these guys have made together. So I don't say shit like "2/22/24 is the best Phish show I've ever heard" lightly.

After a few years on the wagon, I got back into the band in a big way earlier this year after watching the first show of their 2023 New Year's Eve run. From there, I dove into their seven-night Madison Square Garden residency from last summer before tuning in live for all four of their shows from Sphere in Las Vegas. All of these runs displayed to me a band that was playing at a level above even the seven shows I'd seen in person in 2021, which had been far and away my favorite Phish shows I'd ever been in attendance for. There was still a piece missing, though, from the twelve-show run from 12/28/23 to 4/21/24, the piece that Trey Anastasio himself pointed to as evidence that the band is "just entering [its] prime": Mexico '24.

A few weeks ago, I watched the first show of this heralded run, a single-set "welcome" show and the kind of thing that fans tend to approach with low expectations. I approached it with equally low expectations, which were met: I already shared the video and some words of the band's take on "If I Could" from that show, a gorgeous, seven-minute ballad that nonetheless also tells you all you need to know about the rest of the show by standing out as the clear highlight.

I hadn't expected the Anastasio-advertised highs during this "welcome" set, and I didn't get them. But then I put on night two and, while trying to avoid being too hyperbolic, it was quite possibly the best show I've ever heard the band play as well as a show I feel like I couldn't have truly appreciated without having already listened to the previous twenty-four years' worth of Phish that I've put into my ears.

It felt like such a peak moment that I actually avoided listening to nights three and four before Goose tour started, simply because it felt impossible that they wouldn't pale in comparison. I'm reminded of the (in)famous moment at the end of the band's defining end-of-the-millennium performance when Trey puzzled out loud about whether or not the band should just hang it up that very morning, having reached the top of the proverbial mountain with nothing left to prove.

To be clear, I'm not going to stop listening to Phish: I have tickets to the four-night run at Dick's in Colorado this summer and I also fully intend to finish watching this Mexico run eventually. I'm just trying to make clear how much this particular show shocked me and captured my imagination as a twenty-four year fan. It was that good.

Which is funny, because it didn't actually start that way. If I was a purist, I could easily grump about how this wasn't "a perfect show" because the first quarter or so of it is just...Phish playing some songs, and some not even that well. "First Tube" is a fun show opener since it's usually used as a set closer, but this is probably the roughest take on the tune I've heard in a long time. "Free" and "Roggae" follow, and are both beautifully played, but neither does anything I haven't heard before. It's fun to hear the rarity "Driver" and the new-ish "hey stranger," but neither of those leave the box either. An old-school sequence of "Gumbo" > "My Soul" comes next, and though Page crushes "Gumbo" and Trey annihilates "My Soul," it's all still within the realm of first-set-opening music that you sit on the lawn eating food cart nachos half-listening to until they get to the real meat of the set.

Don't get me wrong; I love the song choices here and with the exception of "First Tube" everything is played well...it's just, well, pretty normally good Phish. But then, during "Birds Of A Feather," Something Happens. I'm not going to go on and on in detail about the jam sound the band conjures here, as it factors into the "A Wave Of Hope" I'm ostensibly writing about here (and will get to eventually). But it's amazing, and they just sort of...ride it for the next two hours? "Birds" and a definitively evil take on "Axila (Pt. II)" close out the first set with sister-monster jams, and then the second set is just unbelievable. "A Song I Heard The Ocean Sing" -> "A Wave Of Hope" -> "Oblivion" > "Tweezer" is maybe the most amazingly consistent and creative sequence I've ever heard the band play, and the only way this second set might have been better would have been if they'd closed with yet one more monster jam...but that almost feels like asking for too much! Presumably even the band needed a break from the insane space jams after "Tweezer" and I feel like I kind of did, too! So instead, they close with a relatively pedestrian but in-any-other-context-amazing "Tube" -> "Runaway Jim" > "Tube." An encore that's my all-time favorite Phish ballad "Bug" into the expected and cathartic "Tweezer Reprise" is the icing on the proverbial cake.

Had I somehow been in control of the Phish YouTube page, I might have picked the "Tweezer" from the second set to share, or maybe even the "ASIHTOS," but I'm not. "A Wave Of Hope" is easily the longest jam of the night, though, and likely the most representative/best microcosm of everything that happens from "Birds" through "Tweezer." So. Now that I've already written a longer-than-average post, let's actually start talking about this thirty-five minute jam!

Whew.

The noise that "A Wave Of Hope" emerges from at the beginning of the video here is the tail end of the preceding "A Song I Heard The Ocean Sing" jam: perhaps equally worthy of scrutiny and praise, but not part of this video beyond the first few seconds.

I really dig "A Wave Of Hope" as a song, as it melds the catchiness of Trey's recent (and often unfairly maligned, in my opinion) "love and light" songs with the obscure and apocalyptic imagery of heavier, even newer songs like "Oblivion" and "...And Flew Away." That said, this version is pretty straightforward before the jam: it's hooky and fun, and does its thing, briefly.

It's not necessarily a song you might instantly peg as a huge jam vehicle, but it's certainly become one lately, and (I think?) 2/22 is the longest version yet. I feel like we get an inkling of what's coming at 3:52, when Trey starts singing the vocal refrain outro to the song and Page suddenly starts up a synth siren over top of it, like he just can't wait to get weird.

They launch into the jam proper at 4:11, and initially at least it's a pretty standard Phish affair, with a Trey guitar solo leading the way and the siren eventually giving way to more standard piano chords from Page. It may not be an exceptional sound, but everyone is locked in from the beginning here, and, as usual, even during the "normal" parts of the jam, Fishman is just going absolutely nuts.

There are a few neat melodic runs here where Trey is chasing Page or vice versa.

At 6:45, Trey goes from soloing to chording, which changes the tenor of the jam a bit. Mike takes the melodic lead for a moment around 7:00, and Trey moves back to make some Undersea Monster Guitar Sounds. I really dig what Page is playing here, even though he's kind of buried in the mix. The piano sounds a lot like something he'd play during "ASIHTOS," which might be intentional considering they'd just finished it earlier in the set?

Around 8:30, Trey starts playing melody again, and he and Mike and Page all converge on a sound together almost immediately. It's the brain-meld thing that Phish does better than anyone else out there and I love it. Fishman, to my ears, is actually just laying back with a pretty standard backbeat pattern at this point, but feel free to laugh at me for being incredibly wrong if you're a drummer.

By 9:30, the cacophony is both unhinged and somehow totally synced up, and the lights reflect the sort of chaos-in-unity feel of the music.

Starting at 10:20, Trey suggests something a bit more major-key and less chaotic, and Fishman shifts up his beat a bit, but we don't actually move in a new direction decisively until around 11:00, when Trey starts playing a solo with a super weird and cool tone, and Mike starts riffing off of him. This section is like a sister to the previous section, but with more melodic purpose. I dig. Eventually, Mike goes off to do his own thing here, and Page (on electric piano) and Trey toss the descending riff that Trey initiated back and forth for a bit. I know I said it once already, but I really like this bit and am happy they stick with it a bit longer than they usually might.

At 13:32, Trey starts playing the kind of ascending riff that I associate with him signaling to the rest of the band that it's Phish Bliss Jam Time. That kind of doesn't happen, though? They continue to sit in this midtempo jam zone for awhile, though Trey's playing certainly gets a bit more assertive and brighter: we don't exactly leap to a huge peak right away, and in fact by 14:45 we've descended into delay-loop chaos. Page leans on an evil synth sound at 14:50, Fishman slows down the beat, and suddenly we've moved in the complete opposite direction. It's time to GO TO HELL

The synths and the echo on Trey's guitar really make this section of the jam for me. It's both angrily metal but also ethereal, like you're listening to Metallica in a submersible in the Marianas Trench. Appropriate for a show being played on the ocean, I suppose.

At 16:50, Trey wrangles some dark-sounding rock from his guitar, while the lights reflect the abyssal sound the band is conjuring.

Around 17:30, Fishman switches to a tom-heavy beat, an exceptionally intense sound for him, and I love it. Don't worry: he's back to the cymbals shortly afterward.

The stuff that Trey is doing with his octave shifter around 18:50 paired with the weird laser lights and Page's synth is fucking ridiculous. You think you're safe to just go hang out on the beach for a night, do some drugs and watch some Phish, and then the band fucking teleports you to E2M6 of Doom and doesn't let you leave.

This is my third time watching this jam, and still at 21:23, when the camera pulls back to show the flickering murder-lights above the stage while Trey wails Satanic chords on his guitar, I started laughing out loud at how bonkers it all is. At this point in the jam, I'm convinced that Page has a key on his synths somewhere just labelled "GHOSTS" and he's just leaning on it with his whole body weight.

The section starting at 23:00 sounds like if the Talking Heads were actually also the band of demons from "Devil Went Down To Georgia."

The band sits in this two-chord groove for awhile, and actually starts to inject a bit of levity back into the sound (Page does first, and then Trey briefly uses and then abandons his octave shifter), but then returns to the heavier sound for a bit longer. This section is a little melodically repetitive, but Fishman is really driving through here.

The band brings the tempo down a bit at 26:00, and Trey returns yet again to the octave shifter (he's a bit fan during this jam). Initially, this section feels almost like a reprise of the previous two-chord jam, but then things diversify melodically a bit. Mike seems to essentially be playing a drone for a bit, which suits the jam, actually. Meanwhile, Page and Trey take turns making sounds that are both Bizarre and Soothing at the same time.

By the 28:00 mark, it's wild to remember where we were sonically ten minutes ago: we were in hell, and now we're playing Psilocybin Plinko. This jam eventually morphs into an almost-reggae groove, which is just crazy, and we ride along on that for awhile. I really dig the small touches that Page is adding to the sound here.

Jon Fishman takes his Space Reggae very seriously, fortunately, and his playing is fantastic here.

There's a moment around 31:50 when it feels like a -> "Slave To The Traffic Light" or -> "Harry Hood" or even a -> "Meatstick" is coming, but it fades away into a gentler, cool-down moment that showcases Mike instead.

Trey starts playing something a little dissonant at 33:30, and for a moment it feels like maybe they're going to head off in yet another direction, but we're actually nearing the end here. Instead, they stay in this slow, contemplative space, but Trey throws a few more big guitar lines into what has up to now been a section focused on Mike and Fishman.

At the very end, you can hear Trey adjusting a bit to launch into "Oblivion" next, but the video wraps up before blasting our brains with any more of this amazing set.

Holy crap, that was fun to watch again!

[undergradinlife]

September 27th

Hey James,

Last night, Nora texted me. She said that I lied about something big and horrible. She said that next time I hurt a friend, they won't respond as well as she has. I know that she talked to Will. I was shaking a lot at first, and then I started to doubt my own memories. What if I did do something terrible and it is my fault? What if I just don't remember. I showed Sandra and we talked. She told me that it wasn't my fault. I know that. I can't even be mad at Nora, because she's so young and it's not her fault that she believes that. She had to believe one of us either way. I hope she's safe. I hope he doesn't do the same to her.

I used to go with you to my family's cottage; it's always been my favourite place on earth. When I can't sleep I imagine lying in my bed at the cottage. I imagine hearing the waves crashing while I try to stop thinking. I imagine sitting in the backyard and being able to see every star in the sky. I went to the beach last night and I sat by the water, but the water was still and there was no crashing of waves. The ground turned steep by the edge of the water and it wasn't comfortable to sit that close. There were barely any stars in the sky. Regardless, I was sitting at the beach and starting to feel a lot better. The worst part is that I'm okay. I'm at peace with what's happened and I've accepted that I can't change the past. I even found myself smiling a bit.

After sitting for a while, I turned around and started to walk back to my car, but I stopped and stared at the sky instead. I'm looking up and I'm talking to God, if there is any. I know I'll be fine, I know I'll make it through this, but is there a reason? Is it bad karma? Did I do something to deserve this and it's all a lesson I need to learn? How does my pain fit into the world? I walked back to the parking lot and begged for a sign. A web, a flower, a biker, a plane. Are these signs? Will they show me what’s wrong with me? Will the stranger that I drove by, the only other car on the highway at 12:46pm, tell me the secrets about this life? I want everything to be a sign, but I know that it never is. And I’m okay. And I find myself smiling again, accepting this realisation. And I hate it, but I’m still happy. 

I don't like that I’m at peace with the way everything turned out. I hate that I’m okay with this. I love Sandra, she’s been there for me this entire time. She listens, tells me I’m wrong, and tells me she cares. She’s not going anywhere. I’m scared because Nora told me the same things- But then there’s the optimism. The same optimism that’s haunted me my entire life, that tells me to trust people and that it’ll work out this time, even though I have no reason to believe that. I’m resentful of the optimism. Tonight I'm alone in the apartment, and my mind is racing. I'm probably gonna pick up Sandra when she's done work, as long as she's not done too late. All of this, all of the pain that's been killing me since September 6th, lives in my home. The ghost of who I was before any of this happened shares a bed with me. I see her in the mirror sometimes, and my heart aches. Even while my heart is aching, I can't help but be optimistic about the future. I can't wait for September to be over.

All love,

undergradinlife

[girltomboy]

Saturday diary

Today has been interesting because even though I woke up earlier than I was expecting, and I basically did my everyday morning routine except I finally managed to pull myself out of my slump and do yoga (which felt amazing), I still feel like the day flew by too fast. In the sense that it's almost 6pm but it feels like it should be around 3. But I feel good about the stuff I managed to complete this morning and yesterday evening. It's not much, just mundane stuff like doing laundry or buying essential groceries/home items, and prioritizing my routine over idk other activities. But it still makes me feel satisfied. I phoned my grandma and we talked for hours again, she told me about our dog and our neighbors, the food she's been cooking, pickle recipes, and how my mom used to be fluent in Russian. I just love talking to her on the phone for hours until we both get tired, I really keep all of our phone conversations like little charms in my memory. Thanks to her I remembered a dream I had last week, about my aunt, that I had forgotten and couldn't write down in my dream diary. I've been thinking about going to visit her and spend maybe a week or so there, like I did last year. But last year my stay was a bit scuffed because of my ID replacement and the construction workers. This year I'm all set ID-wise, the house exterior is completely done and beautiful, and I could both work there and enjoy my stay. But I think my mom would want to see me soon, since I promised I'd visit soon, and she hasn't seen me in almost a year. Idk I'm conflicted, my grandma advised me to visit mom first, but my parents are still working on their new house, and I don't want to pop by at a stressful time. Plus I don't want to use up all of my paid leave for this year. But anyway, that's something to ponder but not dwell too much on, because it's already mid-September, and regardless of the destination I choose I don't want the cold fall weather to catch up to me. One of our friends is already in the process of moving to another city. It was such an impulsive decision, his workplace transferred him to that city, he might already have a roommate, and so all that's left for him is to adapt his life to a new environment. Crazy stuff, but good for him, and I'm gonna miss him. We got news today that a mutual friend of our group took his own life this morning at 4, and we've just been quiet and crushed. My friend who grew up with him was devastated. I actually met the guy through him when they were living together, right before the pandemic. And then he got a job at a local pub, and we went there last year, when my friend moved here. He seemed really good at his job, and serious about it. I didn't ever get to know him much, and I just can't stop wondering why he felt like his life had run its course. He was on a college trip, as far as I understood, as an archeology student. He even posted pics from the trip. And then they found him lifeless this morning. I froze in place when my bf texted me, and we had a discord call and everyone was speechless. Couldn't stop thinking what it must feel like to hear this about your childhood friend, who you were in contact with, hung out with not long ago, and everything. My friend sounded like he'd been crying quietly, and he had no words to talk. It feels like there's this hole now that needs to be filled, but we can't, there's nothing for anyone to fill it with. Like, his name and the memory of him just feels tender like after an electric shock, and I barely ever saw the guy. I can only imagine how heavy and crushing it must feel for those who knew him closely and loved him. And I hope we'll be able to help our friend manage his grief.

Meanwhile, we've lived another Saturday, and I've been thinking about going for a long walk, but there's rain on the horizon. Still, I feel the need to explore the city and people-watch. Yesterday evening the walk in the rain to the grocery store as it got dark put me in such a good mood.

[fcukcancer]

Ten years later, almost.

I graduated ten years (+5 days) ago.

When we talked on the phone, when I was preparing for my final exams, you said that "come hell or high water" you'd be at my graduation. But we were stepping way down into hell. Because you weren't there, you weren't well enough to make the trip to Manchester. I don't begrudge that. It's just something else on the pile of things you weren't able to do. And it's all the little things and moments that you notice it. It's the loss of every tiny sharp thing, that illness, decline, took away from you, and me. And death, in its absoluteness took away everything. You've missed so much, I've missed you so much.

Okay, almost 10 years ago (give it a few months) you tasked me with looking at everything twice. Once for me, and once for you. So here's some things I've seen, some things you've missed, in the last 10 years.

Your own funeral, it was, it's strange to say this, but it was a brilliant day. Later, me and Dad and Niall released balloons into the swirling wind in hall place, watched them disappear into the clouds. Niall went to uni, we visited him one time, saw Frank Turner play, we all got matching t-shirts.

I got a stop gap job. Me, Dad and Niall went to Amsterdam, just after New Year, just because we could. I got a better job, I went on a road trip with three friends, to Sweden. I flew home, my first flight alone. I started going out with one of those road-trip friends. Me, Dad and Niall went on an amazing holiday, to the Isle of Skye. We climbed Ben Nevis before getting the train home. You wouldn't have enjoyed Fort William, you'd have loved Skye. It felt like you were there. I felt so close to you even though you weren't there, corporeally. My uni friends started a tradition, of going on holiday in December, we're still doing it. Me and my partner went on holiday, a tour through Europe, by train. I moved out of the house I grew up in, into a flat share with people I knew from uni. Dad drove me to my new home, the day after we came back from a skiing holiday. Niall graduated, (I wasn't there, but Dad was), he moved back home. I haven't lived with my brother since I was 18. I feel like I shouldn't have left home, but I also felt like I couldn't stay. Dad met someone, she's lovely. I moved house again, into a flat with my partner, and another one of our road trip friends. At some point along the way we all went vegan or vegetarian. Not a big deal I just thought you'd like to know. Dad got married. Niall met someone. We all moved out of the house I grew up in. Dad sold it. It was time. It hadn't felt like home for a long time. Going back made me sad. My partner and I bought a flat, that flat from before in the story, we moved in during an incredibly strange time, during a pandemic. The UK had gone into a lockdown. I'm, not glad you didn't live to see it, but, your hypochondria would not have made the COVID 19 years a fun time for you. Restrictions lasted on and off for 18 months. I had some therapy. Not about you specifically, but also it was about you, everything is about you. I found the therapy really helpful. Niall got married. My best friend got engaged. I had a huge birthday party to celebrate my 30th Birthday. I invited almost everyone I knew. To say, hey, everyone, I'm still here. I didn't die when my mum died. I'm actually doing fine. My best friend got married, (quick turnaround but she's pulled off crazier things) the wedding was such a beautiful day.

This year (if we measure September to September), has been busy. Fun mostly, some sadness. Someone died who shouldn't have, you don't know them, you never met them, but I'm saddened by it. The day before your 9th deathday I climbed Ben Nevis, again. I've been around the UK, and hopped around Europe. I bought a car. I miss you, still can't get over the fact you died. I've spent 10 years in the bad timeline. Learning to live even though the world is wrong. But despite that, I I am happy. I've filled my life with people who make me happy, kept friendships strong through time, despite distance. I have a partner who is a good person, and we live well together. We're lucky, we're healthy, we're not taking that for granted. I get on with my family, the originals of course, but the other people we've brought in as well.

You did a good job with me, I'm your work in progress, something unfinished, I'll always be tangled up in you. And I am happy, and lying quietly beside my happiness is the truest thing I know which is that I miss you.