#i had to call my grandma during our discord call so i got disconnected from the server because my laptop went to sleep

[girltomboy]

Saturday diary

Today has been interesting because even though I woke up earlier than I was expecting, and I basically did my everyday morning routine except I finally managed to pull myself out of my slump and do yoga (which felt amazing), I still feel like the day flew by too fast. In the sense that it's almost 6pm but it feels like it should be around 3. But I feel good about the stuff I managed to complete this morning and yesterday evening. It's not much, just mundane stuff like doing laundry or buying essential groceries/home items, and prioritizing my routine over idk other activities. But it still makes me feel satisfied. I phoned my grandma and we talked for hours again, she told me about our dog and our neighbors, the food she's been cooking, pickle recipes, and how my mom used to be fluent in Russian. I just love talking to her on the phone for hours until we both get tired, I really keep all of our phone conversations like little charms in my memory. Thanks to her I remembered a dream I had last week, about my aunt, that I had forgotten and couldn't write down in my dream diary. I've been thinking about going to visit her and spend maybe a week or so there, like I did last year. But last year my stay was a bit scuffed because of my ID replacement and the construction workers. This year I'm all set ID-wise, the house exterior is completely done and beautiful, and I could both work there and enjoy my stay. But I think my mom would want to see me soon, since I promised I'd visit soon, and she hasn't seen me in almost a year. Idk I'm conflicted, my grandma advised me to visit mom first, but my parents are still working on their new house, and I don't want to pop by at a stressful time. Plus I don't want to use up all of my paid leave for this year. But anyway, that's something to ponder but not dwell too much on, because it's already mid-September, and regardless of the destination I choose I don't want the cold fall weather to catch up to me. One of our friends is already in the process of moving to another city. It was such an impulsive decision, his workplace transferred him to that city, he might already have a roommate, and so all that's left for him is to adapt his life to a new environment. Crazy stuff, but good for him, and I'm gonna miss him. We got news today that a mutual friend of our group took his own life this morning at 4, and we've just been quiet and crushed. My friend who grew up with him was devastated. I actually met the guy through him when they were living together, right before the pandemic. And then he got a job at a local pub, and we went there last year, when my friend moved here. He seemed really good at his job, and serious about it. I didn't ever get to know him much, and I just can't stop wondering why he felt like his life had run its course. He was on a college trip, as far as I understood, as an archeology student. He even posted pics from the trip. And then they found him lifeless this morning. I froze in place when my bf texted me, and we had a discord call and everyone was speechless. Couldn't stop thinking what it must feel like to hear this about your childhood friend, who you were in contact with, hung out with not long ago, and everything. My friend sounded like he'd been crying quietly, and he had no words to talk. It feels like there's this hole now that needs to be filled, but we can't, there's nothing for anyone to fill it with. Like, his name and the memory of him just feels tender like after an electric shock, and I barely ever saw the guy. I can only imagine how heavy and crushing it must feel for those who knew him closely and loved him. And I hope we'll be able to help our friend manage his grief.

Meanwhile, we've lived another Saturday, and I've been thinking about going for a long walk, but there's rain on the horizon. Still, I feel the need to explore the city and people-watch. Yesterday evening the walk in the rain to the grocery store as it got dark put me in such a good mood.