#this is just ramblings on a sunday arvo

[palespawn]

thinking about how astarion spits out cazador's name everytime he mentions it, like understandably bitter that he has to speak it at all and thus breathe life into him, but maybe he and the other spawn were only ever allowed to address him as 'master' and actually saying his name aloud might have felt like breaking a rule at first. it's fraught with fear but in the same vein it's also liberating to now have the ability to say it at all, so everytime he does mention his name it's like so many emotions poured into a single word

[boardingpasstowonderland]

A long rambling story but hello again, it's me

So it’s Sunday arvo and I’ve been lazing around relaxing with Jack, and then @in-her-wildest-dreams texts me to say she’s booked flights to Newcastle (SO BLOODY AMAZING), and then it had me thinking about getting tumblr back again.

I guess I should probably explain why I deleted the app and stopped using tumblr two months ago (even though I was completely addicted and in love with this amazing crazy swifty community), so bear with me as it’s quite a bloody ramble!

Almost two months ago, I received 7 anon messages over the space of one day. They were very, very personal- things that someone had maybe found out through stalking my Facebook or instagram. The saying “sticks and stones break my bones but names will never hurt me” is certainly true and I know many people on here probably get terribly mean anons and are okay with it, but these messages really, really struck a bad nerve with me and came at a really bad time.

Not many people, (even my family), in my day to day life except for my closest friend and my boyfriend know that I have struggled with severe anxiety over the past 12 months. And at around the same time (unfortunately) that I received those 7 horrible anon messages, I was diagnosed with depression. I hated being labelled with that. When they said the words out loud, I could not accept it. It wasn't me. It's taken me a lot of work to accept, and be (a tiny bit) okay with saying those words about myself.

It’s strange, I am a strong believer (having worked in health for 3 years including working in youth/adolescent mental health), and now as an OT that disability and mental health in particular should NOT have any stigma attached to it, and that our society needs to accept it. But for me to admit it personally, is so beyond hard. Because I can believe and preach that there should be no stigma and people should be open about talking about this, but when I have to talk about it myself, it’s a whole other level. I can’t explain it. Because at the end of the day, there is a stigma around it- and it frightens the absolute hell out of me. It makes you feel, so completely alone. Because when you have a physical injury like breaking a leg, or have an operation- every person is open to offering support, assistance, friendship and love. But when it’s mental health, people stay away, they don’t know what to say, or think you’re faking it. It is so, so isolating.

I’ve been hospitalised because of my mental health. I’ve had almost two weeks off work, because I could not get out of bed. I hit an all time low not so long ago. I’ve had someone say to me “why are you sad? You have everything amazing in your life, your in love, you love your career, you travel, you live your life so well”. Everybody expects me to be the bright happy crazy one, all of the time. And yes that may be true. I have, an incredible life. I am the crazy happy one. But at the same time, mental health doesn’t discriminate. 1 in 3 people experience anxiety and panic attacks- yet we can’t talk or accept it. 1 in 4 experience depression. It can happen to anyone, at any corner of the globe.

There are many reasons why I’m currently the way I am- with things that have happened to me in my past, and I may look like I have it all together and you may very well think “oh she’s just making it up to get attention”- but I am battling on the inside everyday. Jack is battling, everyday with me. Everyday is a roller coaster. And I think when I received those anon messages, I just thought to myself “I’m struggling enough, I just don’t need that extra amount of negativity in my life when I already have so much in my head”. So that is why I removed myself from tumblr.

I think the biggest achievement that I have ever made in my life, and that nobody except for 2 people know about was that I asked for help. It is the scariest and bravest thing I’ve ever had to do. To the people who have had to do this, god I admire you. You are the real superheroes. And now, with the support of professionals, I’m getting there. I’m taking it day by day. I am fighting a war inside my head, every single day. Whether people can tell, or not. But baby steps, and I’ve been talking to Jack and one of those baby steps is getting back on tumblr. Getting back to things I used to do.

Because this community is 99.999999% overwhelmingly amazing, supportive, hilarious and kind. The love on here is so real. And god I miss lurking blogs, I miss the excitement and #NOCHILL times. So I’m going to give it my best shot at being back on here. But with one difference. This is going to double as a bit of my diary. I struggle talking about my mental health out loud to anyone, except the 3 people who know. But here, maybe it’s the bridge to being able to open those discussions about mental health. Maybe there is people in this swifty fandom, that are going through the same thing as me. I’m going to be real, and honest, and raw. The good, and the bad times. And sometimes life is not pretty, sometimes it’s bloody ugly. And of course, just reblog and lurk and get back into the crazy swifty world of freaking out and loving the hell out of @taylorswift with you all!! I want to be back in this loving, positive sunshiney fandom!!!

So please unfollow me if this isn’t okay with you. But I’m learning to love myself. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’ve already come so far. And I’m determined to try and stop that stigma, that I (and so many more), feel about mental health.

God I’m kinda nervous about posting this now. You are a gem if you made it through reading this.

Em xxx