#this is irrelevant but looking at imdb i just realized that
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In episode 4 of MOTA is that Nash calling Helen “Tatty” or is that another of the Pilots and Red Cross Women?
hmm according to imdb Helen and tatty are 2 diff people (helen played by emma canning & tatty by harriet leitch)! Idk if anyone else knows better tho feel free to clarify :))
#this is irrelevant but looking at imdb i just realized that#that 1 super tall hillbilly dupe officer guy#is also that gay guy who got eaten(?) by his hubby on the terror#ok ive never watched the terror but ive seen so many tumblr gifs its like I basically did
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MUNCHFLIX - FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S
IMDB BLURB: A troubled security guard begins working at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. During his first night on the job, he realizes that the night shift won't be so easy to get through. Pretty soon he will unveil what actually happened at Freddy's.
WARNINGS: It's pg-13 dude.
RATING: It's not horror, but it is FNAF.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER:
Munch: SO it's time for us to watch Five Nights at Freddy's. I previewed this last night but Biscuits refused to watch it until now.
Biscuits: I don't have any tequila, I'm sad about this. I do have whiskey.
M: I unfortunately must remain sober. Everyone seems to love this movie, I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just a curmudgeon.
B: Dude it's five freddys at night. It's like that wojack meme of them pointing at freddy. It's him, the fredbear from the night. By the way this movie was announced 8 YEARS AGO. A time when I was still invested in FNAF lore.
M: I admit to knowing a fair amount of FNAF lore myself, but it kinda ends after the 3rd game because I stopped caring. Oh yeah the movie.
B: What's happening?
M: A security guard is going through some shit. It's incredibly dark. You can almost tell what's happening. He's gonna get his face eaten off by a freddy head. As is par. To make you think this is a horror movie.
B: The new Saw movie looks great! Bold choice to do a crossover with Five Nights at Freddy's.
M: I do like the look of things. They did a good job of recreating the pizzeria in all it's glory, it's very accurate.
B: Blumhouse because of course it is.
M: The opening animations an obvious nod to the games. There are SO many.
B: I like the funky synth music. It's no Toreador March, but….Josh Hutcherson has emerged from a decade of irrelevancy! Formerly known for his critically acclaimed role in Trapped In An Island with Josh Hutcherson.
There make be snakes!
M: He's a decent dude, he should have had the fame that Jennifer Lawrence had. Josh, I mean MIKE, has a sister he has to take care of and he's a security guard at…some mall. Doesn't matter. He's into dreams.
B: He hasn't aged a day, he's just acquired some facial hair. Now he's chasing some kid and his dad, he thinks he just witnessed a child abduction but actually…
M: He just beat the shit out of some dude for no reason. And now the employment department!
B: This is the kind of discrimination single dads face on a daily basis, Josh.
M: And now Matthew Lilliard, who is COMPLETELY SQUANDERED in this movie. He has never put less than 1000 percent cunt into every role and they wasted him.
B: Two months at a job? Me too, Josh.
M: His uh…job counselor is kinda sus.
B: Listen bud you have limited job options, join the club.
M: Are you suggesting we get a job at the FNAF pizzeria?
B: I wish all job counselors were this honest. The hours are bad, the pay is awful…
M: They keep not saying his last name which I guess is supposed to be a twist so we think he's Mike Afton but the twist is he's Mike Schmidt. No spoilers tho.
B: The twist is he's Michael Myers! He has a weird little sister and she does creepy things.
M: Possibly psychic. Very sixth sense going on here. Mike has a bit of a pill problem and somehow can go to sleep listening to the most annoying bird sounds in all existence. ASMR you're trapped in an aviary.
B: I remember this part of the FNAF lore. Where he has a little brother who gets kidnapped. Is this canon? I think they made this up for the movie.
M: It's not.
B: Why does he have a child?
M: It's his sister.
B: So his parents just popped out another one 20 years later???
M: Sure, why not. And now the awful Aunt and the best character in this whole movie. DOUG the lawyer. I love him. She wants custody of the sister, Abby. Mike doesn't want this. He's kind of a jerk about it though.
Doug is the most relatable character in the movie tbh
B: There has to be some sort of like…inciting factor. We gotta have some reason why he's gotta work at five nights at fredericks. He's gotta keep custody of his sister. Finally, Five Nights at Freddys is in the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. If I'm in the movie theater with my five year old son, he doesn't care about Josh Hutcherson! He wants to see the funny guy from the youtube video!!
M: Well TOO BAD! Because there's a lot more Josh Hutcherson than Freddy's.
B: What year is it?? It's implied to still be the 80's but the place is all closed down and they have an old looking tv? They gotta keep it ambiguous or people would start talking about the bite of 87 or whatever.
M: There are so many easter eggs. The celebrate poster from the game, the fucking desk fan, the training video, I could go on and on.
B: This training video is def 80's. This technology existed in the 80's btw, the government was just hiding it from everyone. Actually they're alive because ghosts and not lithium batteries but…What a great analog horror video. I'm subscribing to this channel.
M: Balloon boy jump scare! Nothing ever happens on night 1 though. So Mike is just gonna take a walky and then take a nap.
B: I can almost see anything in this fucking movie! It's so dark! It's like watching a Zack Snyder movie. Maybe in a theater it would look better...?
M: I really think it's just the fucking death of film lighting period. I do think the animatronics look good. They look really damn good.
B: They looked kinda crap in the trailer. Sleempy Mike. Now he's having more PTSD nightmares about his brother getting kidnapped.
M: But wait! There's more chilluns! In his dream, as is normal.
B: We're the children from the FNAF who got murdered.
M: You are correct. 6 am reference! Time to go home. Mike isn't paying his babysitter.
B: It's nice to have a girl who will watch his sister for free. I assumed they died in cancer/plane crash. Sparky's is a reference. That's MatPat.
M: The babysitter is sus. And her other friend and the evil aunt are having lunch while conspiring against Mike. I love Doug.
B: So the Aunt is like…the villian…the antagonist character?
M: I mean…sort of. It's possible she's in cahoots with Afton on some level but it's never confirmed. Back at home Mike is being a terrible parent again and Abby wants to go to FNAF world with him but this is a really bad idea. Now…if you were a criminal….and you wanted to make Mike look bad, when would you go trash the place?
B: When he's there.
M: Thank you. Mike is asleep again.
B: Thanks Blumhouse I can almost see what's going on in the movie. How many times are we gonna see sweaty Josh running around in a forest in this movie?
M: You have no idea. He's dreaming of the FNAF kids again because he thinks they know where his brother is. One of them cuts him and he bleeds IRL.
B: Wow I was scare.
M: And now there's a cop at the door. As is also normal and part of the FNAF canon.
B: Vanessa is a reference.
M: That's not a reference, that's part of the canon! Because why not.
B: They had to put some shit from security breach in here cos it's the new one.
M: Vanessa suspiciously knows a lot and isn't giving us any info why.
B: Mike, just Mike. No last name.
M: Vanessa is here to give us some EXPOSITION. Because fuck show don't tell!
B: It's great that all these arcade machines are still plugged in after 10, 20 years.
M: This part made me have Chuck E Cheese flashbacks.
A powerful bear...named Frederick Entertainment Fazbear
B: Playing covers of popular songs was a big thing in these types of restaurants.
M: Something something some kids went missing.
B: Back in the 80's!! Could you please tell me what fucking year it is??? This motherfucker is listening to a cassette player so unless he's some kind of hipster? I hated that scene btw. Go away I hate you.
M: Unfortunately she will be here so much more.
B: So the criminals are breaking in…after he's left???
M: Yes!
B: Even if you wanted to frame him, the CCTV footage is gonna tell them when you were there! But okay I guess?? Oh there's still money in the arcade machine? It's not like they empty those every day.
M: I love the random older man who's just hanging out with these teenaged criminals.
B: He's been bustin up abandoned buildings since back in the 80's!
M: One of them finds Chica's cupcake and it does a spooky and then Chica does a spooky. Almost all the violence happens offscreen because….pg13.
B: They couldn't make this an R rated movie because it's Five Nights at Freddy's. The people who grew up with it are all adults now but the target audience remains basically the same.
M: Bonnie does a spooky.
B: I literally can't see anything in that shot! Also appreciate the attempt to get away with a huge bag of COINS, the heaviest and least valuable denomination of money you can get. You might have 50 bucks MAX in quarters.
Also Bonnie. he's cool.
M: The point is that they're all getting murdered. Offscreen. Very darkly. And yet they did not even try to bother Mike.
B: Mike left!
M: It's been two nights he's been there though!
B: Okay…I guess.
M: Freddy bites Max the babysitter completely in half. But we only see the shadow.
B: We get Plato's allegory of the cave violence! We never get to see it directly.
Also Sparky the Dog. he's cool.
M: Back at home Abby draws more pictures and Mike Mike's all over the place while she magically finds the custody papers.
B: They're watching public domain cartoons.
M: From the 80's. Vanessa shows up at their house to tell them that someone broke into the pizzeria. She found Mike's pills.
B: The year is killing me, is it the 90's??? Early 00s maybe? If it was the 10's everyone would be on their smart phones. Is this really criminal negligence?? He didn't lock the doors to this ABANDONED BUILDING!!!?? IT'S ABANDONED!!!
M: Now Mike is gonna exposit all over Vanessa about how he takes the pills to try and remember the dream of when his brother was taken in a lucid dream every night. He's very talented to have the same dream every night.
B: I really hate Vanessa, she's completely insufferable.
M: I agree. Also can I take a moment to talk about how fucking SLOW this is. The pacing is awful.
B: I don't give a shit. I don't care about your dreams. Shut up. I'm here with my 10 year old who wanted to see the funny Fazbear on the screen and he's ASLEEP right now! That wasn't even english on the walkie talkie, when cops talk on those they don't just go GNWEUIFHB98FHNWIEFNEI
M: Your son is now 10???
B: Shut up! I don't even have a son!
M: We are halfway through.
B: I do not understand. What even is gonna happen.
M: So Mike is gonna take Abby to work at FNAF but I gotta stop for a minute because…people DIED in there. Did Vanessa find the bodies? Are the bodies still there? Did someone clean them up? She didn't even mention that to Mike????
B: Who called the police to report the break in?
M: If they did, did only Vanessa show up??
B: Is Vanessa even really a police officer?
Vanessa is lookin pretty SUS. (that's still a funy joek in 2023, rite?)
M: That's a very good question! Mike is just like, you're gonna sleep and I'm gonna watch the monitors and this is a totally safe idea. Abby is well known to behave.
B: I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
M: I guess he's gonna clean up. If he was Nick Cage this would've been done forever ago.
B: He's gotta stop and have a cola and play pinball.
M: Actually, he's gonna nap! Because that's the responsible thing to do!
B: All the excitement from the FNAF games you love like DARK ROOMS! NAPPING! AND OFFSCREEN MURDER! Well I guess that last one is fair.
M: So of corpse, Abby wakes up and fucks off. But it's cool because of reasons.
B: Bro…is this the only way we could convey the story of the missing kids…80 sequences of Mike in the woods? A lot of the people watching this already know all this. This review makes it sound like I just hate FNAF and that's not really the truth.
M: I don't hate FNAF at all, but this movie is so utterly middling. We're halfway through and 90 percent of the movie has been Mike dreaming. But now he's out there and the animatronics are all there and alive and playing with Abby.
B: He's gonna fight Freddy with a chair.
M: Just like in the games. They're well known to be friendly to children.
B: Abby is a special psychic child.
M: Mike is wigging just a bit as anyone would.
B: I mean in real life they're wired to the stage so…yeah.
M: Freddy is still looking at Mike like, you're on thin fuckin' ice.
B: Wow this movie is jam packed with chills and thrills and I am on the edge of my seat right now. To quote Arin Hanson, "Just…something happen, PLEASE!"
M: I mean some dudes got killed but...
B: I couldn't even see it happening! Hey Abby wtf is going on btw.
M: Her friends she's been drawing all movie are apparently the FNAF kids because of course they are. How she knows them???
B: You'd better start believing in ghost stories Mister Hutcherson…
M: Mike is like hey remember our dead brother who died ages before you were born? You drew him getting kidnapped, so…explain. Was it the boy from my dreams? Oh it was?
B: Trying to use her psychic powers to solve a crime but all they talk about is a yellow rabbit. Exploit your sister to resolve your own personal trauma. I don't see this going well.
M: Back with Vanessa who is at FNAF for some fucking reason, Mike and Abby show up and Mike is like hey did you think to mention that there are ghost kids possessing the robots? And now they're gonna build a fucking fort. The animatronics too. This is a real thing that is happening.
B: How does something like that even right itself….?
M: I have no idea. I don't know why Mike is suddenly on board with all this. I would not be under there with them.
Everyone's just vibin' :)
B: Mike is finally asking questions he should have been asking a long time ago. Vanessa explains the springlocks because that will obviously be important later. And Vanessa, who was like YEAH FORT is now like HOW DARE YOU BRING ABBY HERE.
M: Who the hell are you Vanessa, that's something you should've asked like forever ago. Abby tries to strum Bonnie's geetar and gets minorly electrocuted but it's no big.
B: Oh my GOD. Sorry Abby, I'm kind of an asshole.
M: So now he's gonna do an even bigger asshole thing and call Aunty Shrew to come babysit and possibly you know…take custody of his sister so he can keep napping. Abby is not happy. The Pharmacist is the second best person in this movie.
B: He's doing dream magic because.. it's…you know. He couldn't just do this at night.
M: It is night.
B: It was just morning!
M: It took a really long time at the pharmacy okay. And now for the UMPTEENTH TIME, trapped in a dream forest with Josh Hutcherson.
B: But whyyyyyyy.
M: The ghost children are like, hey give us Abby and you can dream about your dead brother. And he's like OKAY. Mike kinda is an asshole. He immediately changes his mind but that's not how a deal with the devil works. The kids run around him uh…slicing him up for some reason.
B: And now he's in the saw trap where the first security guy presumably died.
M: Good thing it's slow moving. But he gets out becaus he's the protagonist.
B: Okay so…the bodies are still here. There's some gore. That's your PG-13 right there.
M: In the super secret room nobody can ever find but two people have now stumbled into. Back with evil Auntie, Abby is hiding in her room and Freddy is just there.
B: Frederick is in the house. You somehow didn't hear him enter even though he must weigh a ton. Like as much as a small car. He's murdered Auntie Jane.
M: And now the chillest taxi driver on earth who is somehow fine giving a ride across town to a small child and a giant animatronic.
I gifed the animatronics because they're the most interesting thing on screen but trust me, these gifs severly overstate how much they are in the movie.
B: How does Freddy even fit in a human sized car?
M: I don't know.
B: Vanessa is tending to Mike's wounds. She conveniently found him. They tried to kill him. Yeah…they do that. Why did you just leave the bodies there Vanessa? And why haven't they started to decay?
M: Vanessa is still not telling us shit. But Mike tells her that he said yes to giving Abby to them and she tells him they're gonna make her like him.
B: In the movie a lot of things aren't very clear. Vanessa tells us that the bodies of the dead kids are in the animatronics.
M: Like…how would people NOT NOTICE. But this is canon.
B: How does Vanessa know all this?
M: She tells us about AFTON.
B: The man behind the slaughter. The purple fellow. Okay, that's not canon that he's her father?
M: Hell if I know, I stopped following lore well before Vanessa showed up. Also somehow Afton killed Mike's brother.
B: Where did he put Garrett's body?? That's like SIX children now, are there six kids in each animatronic??
M: Vanessa's master plan is to taser the animtronics that are somehow being controlled by ghost children who are being controlled by William Afton. But she's not gonna go with Mike because Afton is her dad and stuff.
B: Let's fix that with a controlled shock. It's a good thing it's taking Abby a long time to get murdered.
M: Freddy considers murder and then reconsiders. Abby is being taken by Chica to the back room to be put into a device that looks suspiciously like the Baby animatronic. Meanwhile Mike is tasering Freddy and Bonnie.
B: I never understood what Chica did in the band anyway. Backup vocals? There's no way they could feasibly be playing this music with just one guitar. My suspension of disbelief is totally destroyed, Mister Fredbear. Don't you need to re-arm a taser?
M: Yep. But he gets Abby.
B: You've been an idiot about most things, Mike. To be fair. You should go.
M: The cupcake looks silly attacking but I do like it's design. I actually like the animatronics a lot and it would kick ass if they were like…
B: IN THE MOVIE!! For more than like 20 minutes of screen time in this two hour long movie.
M: See also, Matthew Lilliard. They squandered all the best parts of this movie. In favor of an hour of dream sequences. Abby and Mike again get separated but she hides in the ball pit and now….the best part of the movie. Golden Bonnie is here. Who is also Afton but no spoilers.
B: Me in the Dashcon ballpit.
M: Vanessa shows up 20 minutes late to the party with uh…nothing. I do love the way they did the whole golden bonnie thing. Though I'm really unsure about how he's controlling them? Vanessa apparently has a gun.
B: You're gonna shoot your undead father with a gun? Oh he's alive!
M: For now. He is also the job counselor. To absolutely nobody's suprise. (editor's note: biscuits did not at all realize this while watching the movie) She shoots daddy but somehow that isn't enough to activate the springlocks. Afton stabs his own daughter as Abby frantically draws pictures to show the other kids that he's really the bad guy. Afton gets all springlock failed and they drag him off into the back room.
B: Well canonically all this happened a really long time ago, but the movie doesn't care about the timeline. I always come back, yeah, way too many fucking times, bro.
M: And now everything is great and Abby is happy and Mike looks exactly the same.
B: The pacing is…so weird.
M: They stop by the hospital to see Vanessa and set up a sequel!
B: Well I mean if there's one thing FNAF really loves, it's sequels. This movie is so boring. Can we visit my dead friends some time? NO.
M: laughs Yeah, no.
B: Okay, movie SAVED by using the Living Tombstone. I'm amazed that they got the license for this.
M: I laughed out loud, I fucking loved it. It's the best thing. Oh Jim Henson's creature shop worked on the puppets, that explains why they looked so good. Final thoughts?
B: It's just…really lame. There's a couple cool scenes and some cool stuff at the end but the rest of the movie isn't worth it. There's so much rich lore, SO much lore, and a rich universe that they had an infinite well of stuff to draw on, but they made up this whole other plot about Josh Hutcherson's family problems and it's just…lame.
M: I just really feel like it's takes itself way too seriously.
B: Like terminally ill seriously.
M: And they squandered all the best parts of FNAF. The animatronics should have been the FOCUS. Not the dream sequences. Afton should have been a MUCH bigger part of this. There was so much cool stuff they could have done but it's not about that. All the little easter eggs for the fans are great but ultimately…pointless.
B: And again, isn't this supposed to be for the fans? For people who already love FNAF? But it's not really.
M: I grok that in order to reach a wider audience you gotta kinda do that but
B: The FNAF fandom is MASSIVE! The majority of it is just like…Trapped in Freddy Fazbears with Josh Hutcherson.
M: Fair.
B: And like…if you like the movie that's fine. For me it's just kinda meh. It's not something I would watch again on purpose. It just made me wanna watch Willy's Wonderland again. Not worth the 8 year wait time.
M: 8 years…and this is what you came up with?? 8 years and Doug was the best part of the movie? I don't hate it. I don't love it. I'm a fan of the FNAF games, I just feel like it's a massive missed opportunity and that people need to remember how to light a fucking film. I'm tired of Hollywood just giving us the most banal experience possible for whatever reason.
Munch and Biscuits out, yo.
#five nights at freddy's#fnaf#fnaf movie#fnaf movie review#munchflix#movie review#william afton#josh hutcherson#fnaf spoilers#steve raglan#matthew lillard
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Review of: “Knock at the Cabin”
Heavy Spoilers Ahead. Read with Care…
Knock at the Cabin (2023) Writers: Paul Tremblay (Novel), M. Night Shyamalan, Steve Desmond and Michael Sherman (Screenplay) Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan Stars: Dave Bautista, Jonathan Groff, Ben Aldridge IMDB Rating: 6.2/10 Stars Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score: 64%
“Knock at the Cabin” (2023) which confused me with “The Cabin in the Woods” (2011) is the first M. Night Shyamalan movie I have seen with No twist. This movie is played straight the entire time and that made this very hard to swallow. I have never done well with movies, plots that revolve around a binary decision. It is either this or that, anything else is irrelevant. It was sort of weird, the movie watching experience I mean. I did take issue with the cast. I have never been a very big Dave Bautista fan as a leading man. He is good to play smaller roles but to be the center point in any role. It doesn’t work for me. Basically the man cannot really act well. Like I said, he can do well with very small and his character being limited but to give him too much dialog, it really is film-cringe. I don’t know, bad call in my opinion. The movie itself flowed fine. When I sat and watched it I was getting those: “It looks like a thriller, feels like one, tone feels right,” vibes. My big issues are with the plot, the resolution. The whole 3rd act. I mean this will totally get the social media, "how this movie should have really played out," treatment.
If this happened in a real reality, right now, and not a pseudo-reality. We'd all be doomed. If I had my chance at it. Out in the woods, yeah, the gun would have been in a much better position. If I got a chance to defend myself from these four horsemen at any point in the story I wouldn't even hear them out. If I got my hands on that gun. I would have systematically murdered them all without even getting huffy about it. My point of view is; I am already dying/dead from my own medical/mental health combinations. Those four people canceled their lives the second they forced themselves into the home from my perspective. As far as the whole of humanity goes; I do not know if I would sacrifice what is and has been defined as mine since I was first able to understand concepts of any make or model. If I am chosen. God/gods, choose the wrong person and wrong family. If a God, or gods demanded I make a sacrifice, boi.... aren't they gonna be disappointed lol. I have sacrificed enough for three lifetimes. No meal ticket here. No FKs given either and I am not sorry about that. If there was a lesson to be learned I fail to see what it is.
I always pull from the Matrix: ReLoaded, at the end of the film where Neo realizes he is NOT the One but merely just “a-One,” the sixth One. Neo is The Sixth One to appear in the sixth Matrix iteration in which the trilogy takes place. In each iteration, The One is guided by the Oracle and then the Keymaker to a holding room of sorts where The One gains an audience with the Architect. That for all Neo’s abilities he is as powerless as all the humans trapped inside the Matrix. All choices up to this point have been weighed, measured, calculated and manipulated to get Neo to reset the Matrix for the Machines. That the free will Neo is striving for is not real. A binary information system displayed on a 2D surface appears as 2 points. There is Left and there is Right. If you want to see the Puppet Master’s fingers on the strings one has to see this on a 3D surface. Right now, the way society sees this as just 2 points on a sheet of flat paper. I never look at decision making that simply. I always assume both choices have something else at play. Call it, a lifetime of being on the wrong side of this binary information system for most of your life…
Now my head is in this place that if one or a group attempts to force this binary logic-choice upon me. If I have no other recourse other than to choose red choice or blue choice, left choice or right choice and I do not feel like either are what I stand for, or will accept, then I WILL choose my own way. I will look at Morpheus, I take both pills, give Morpheus the finger and jump out the goddamn window. Whatever happens, happens. My only recourse is to never give them what they want or even need. That my last ditch of independence before it is taken from me is to not comply… I will not submit… One or the group cannot force a win in their favor against someone like that, but people continue to play by the rules of a binary information system, even in fiction, especially in fiction. We take these huge liberties with our characters we write for fiction but less and less now I see the level of practical and realistic growth in their decision making processes. I know we are talking about fiction here, but this fiction in this specific story is related to our current reality. Yet, it doesn’t obey any of those rules. I feel pretty strongly about the current logical approach we take with the Left/Right binary information system. I do not believe in it more than there being a lack of evidence to support the belief in Jesus Christ. I believe in the concept Jesus more than I do the binary information systems and I absolutely DO NOT believe in Jesus Christ as a religious savor, in any capacity. I hold that concept very high on my own personal knowledge system that binary is bullshit. I guess I am crazy or a Sociopath lol. In that respect I had a very hard time seeing the plausibility of these very human situations and choices in “Knock at the Cabin.”
Other than that, it wasn't bad. I actually liked the gay couple aspect and it not coming off overly WOKE. Oh, it’s in there, of course it is, but at least it wasn’t shoved down our throat and it was important to the story. This at all didn’t feel forced like it always tends to feel. Like, it’s a thing but not a thing. I don’t know if that was dark humor or not. If I look at this movie as totally dark humor from beginning to end. Then I think it’s sort of a middle finger to our current world culture view, then this movie is brilliant. If it is supposed to be taken seriously, the choices and decisions do not make much sense to me in that scenario. If the whole movie is like, “hey we got these four people/horsemen, or whatever, that are gonna try and convince a family to sacrifice a family member what possibly could go wrong?” You get a foreign kid with a physical deformity that no one wanted so they gave it to Americans, not even knowing they were a gay couple. You have a gay couple where one side the parents do not understand and see their son as a failure/disappointment and the other guy is a domestic violence victim because of his sexual preference of being a gay man in modern times. If those are your odds, then that is the joke. That is the humor. I honestly could not tell whether or not this movie was played straight or is really a satire on our world culture. If it is a satire then it is brilliant, if it is straight then this movie was poorly executed.
That in and of itself is funny to me. So yeah… It wasn’t terrible but nothing special. If you are bored, it is worth a watch but there is nothing must see here. It is just a solid thriller that tries to act like reality but really isn’t real nor does it even feel real. This is what you get when you try to get people to care about your characters so they try to put themselves into the decision making process. Me… I would have lost my mind and after a few hours. I would stop cooperating in any capacity. I’d have no problem at all watching each of them kill themselves. If anything, I’d lose my patience with how slow they are about it all. The problem I have with this is the great human experiment from my perspective is a huge mistake. Do not give me that power… I won’t make the choice that is expected of me by the masses…
One of the last things that was eating at me about this movie is every time the family said no to a sacrifice one of the four horsemen were killed and then the doomsday event happened. At no point were we told or shown what would happen if one or all of the four horsemen did not contribute to their own death. What if they said, hell no. I am not doing this. The movie suggests that these four people came together via the internet due to their strong visions. That, if they didn’t do this the visions would get stronger. Ok, fine… They get stronger… You’re telling me these four people felt so compelled to meet and attempt to force these people to choose? And on top of all that, they are a Gay couple. So they do make note that they are being targeted because they are Gay. It comes up, it is quickly discussed and disregarded. That is when this movie starts to break apart for me. Plus one of the four are the person that previously attacked one of the couple some years ago that set the decision making process for him to purchase a gun to begin with. It is because of all this that I feel he would have had the gun on him or at least in the cabin, somewhere where he could quickly get to it before they all broke into the cabin. I just think it would be highly unlikely the gun would be in the safe in the vehicle.
The other part of this is these four horsemen have collectively decided to corner, bully and force this part of this all onto this family. If I were one of them. If I were forced to either force someone else to contribute over, them, the group saying, this isn’t right. I do not care how bad these visions get. That I won’t do this. Regardless if this is real or not. If this is the message of the movie then humanity is absolutely doomed. The reality is all four of these people would have committed suicide before they planned to hunt down this family and force them to compile. And if they were able to plan something out what kind of shape would they be in mentally/emotionally? Spending months not sleeping, slowly thinking you are crazy. Again, the real reality of the situation. If all four showed up and tried this, they all should have been shot dead before they actually got into the cabin, but that isn’t how fiction goes. Sort of why this movie really needed that M. Night-Twist and it didn’t get it. That is why I think this might just be that dark humor here but who knows. M. Night movies have been so miss pretty much since “The Village” and that was 2004. Sure, he has a decent one come and go. “Split” from 2016 was decent enough but it is rare to find anything in his catalog after 2004 that comes as highly recommended. He is capable, but we haven’t seen much that gives us those “SIGNS” vibes…
Review of: “Knock at the Cabin” by David-Angelo Mineo 2/26/2023 2,009 Words
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I'm a psych major - i seriously believe that the CC fandom is a cult - the hate they send is cult like mentality, they have something seriously wrong with them. Like mentally. I wouldn't be surprised if one of them got arrested for harassment of C or D or their partners.
Come off anon and chat with me...there is a lot to unpack and I won’t do it publicly.
There is definite some mental health issues for in that fandom. I too keep wondering how far they will push it. If not them, will some follower of theirs do something stupid because they are emboldened by the rhetoric that the ccc leaders spew?
Whether the anons are real or the leaders of the ccc are sending anons to themselves-or it’s a combination of both- is unclear to me, what I do know is that the answers they are giving are consistently and purposefully misleading and often outright lies.
Two recent examples of their outrageous lies;
1. ANON::
“...have u seen naya say on the podcast that C was actually upset about santana's rant to kurt in that episode... because it was so real? it really makes u think that there was for sure one writer thay really did have it out for chris...
ajw720 answered:
That rant was 100% directed at C and it was divined by RM. He is raging with jealousy towards C, he has everything, looks, talent, creativity, and D. And things completely feel apart when RM realized C was genuine competition. You realize Blainofsky was punishment to CC for acting out that past summer? He literally broke up the fan favorite couple on the show during the last season for revenge. And he despises C in particular. And that rant was not aimed at K/urt. It was aimed at C. And I am glad N/aya commented on it, I can’t imagine how she felt being used on that manner.
FACT CHECK:
Had she spent 2 minutes Googling this she would have realized that fact Brad Falchuk-not Ryan Murphy- wrote Jagged Little Tapestry thus invalidating her entire theory.
Everything she said about Ryan Murphy in this paragraph is simply her fantasy. Ryan is a very successful and powerful Hollywood writer, producer, and director. He is also gay and married with young children and Is a powerful LGBQT advocate. His youngest son waged a 2-year battle with Neuroblastoma from 2016-2018. Neuroblastoma is a vicious form of childhood cancer that requires intense treatment. I used to be an pediatric oncology/bone marrow transplant nurse and this cancer and treatment is no joke.
Ryan Murphy is very creative- he created and wrote episodes of Glee, 911, and Nip/Tuck, AHS, ACS, and the upcoming The Politician. Check out his IMDB (X).
He has won numerous awards and nurtured a lot of queer content including Pose which hired both LGBTQ actors and staff making it highly unlikely that he would closet a gay actor.
She suggested Ryan is jealous of Chris because of his “looks” and his relationship with Darren. There is nothing to suggest that Ryan is unhappy in his married, his attracted to much younger or is attracted to Chris and/ Darren. Ryan called his husband, “His rock” in 2018 when talking about their son’s illness.
Abby ignores Ryan’s real life story, instead because it doesn’t fit her fanfiction character profile she created for Ryan.
2. ANON:
“....is it a known fact to the whole fandom that f/etusm/iarren is M/ia ?” (X)
chrisdarebashfulsmiles answered:
Hi, you know, i think (my opinion) that m/iarrens are ignoring purposely this fact. Like.. they have seen everything happening or showed here and decided to say “hey, you know? i don’t care”. Like they do with everything that is not part of the “D is straight” tale.
Let’s say that most of us have an idea about who the minions are (if they exists and i think i can tell you that maybe one is a real person)… but it’s irrelevant.
The account still exists because, and believe me i don’t know how this is possible, the stans who follow that account are more “m/ia stans” (the ones that bother us on our blogs and in blogs dedicated to hate and mock us) than “D stans. Let me tell you one thing: i speak with a good bunch of “m/iarren” that are D stans and we are on the same page, we worry for D. No talk of bullshit with them. Most of them understood that something wasn’t ok and they left their fandom, without becoming part of the cc one. Others are still here but more subtle and still respectful.
And I see why: because they want to understand what is wrong.
Anyway: D’s team gives her stuff, and this is one of the problem.
FACT CHECK:
In truth, there are very few “Mia stans” and a lot of “Darren stans”. The CCCers refuse to listen to what their anons actually say. Instead they pigeon-hole people into categories based on their own needs and they need us to be unreasonable and obsessed with Mia rather than Darren for their self-righteous antics to work.
Nobody that I am aware of is purposefully ignoring credible evidence that Darren is gay. None of us are looking at the “evidence “ and saying “hey, we don’t care”. The fact is that very few people care if Darren is gay or straight and the “evidence” is nonsense. I have yet to year one thing that sounds credible. Anyone else?
I did a very rudimentary look her claim that “The account still exists because, and believe me i don’t know how this is possible, the stans who follow that account are more “m/ia stans” than “D Stans”. I sampled 280 Fetu/sMiarr/en followers:
The vast majority were private accounts aka we cannot say why they are interested in the account.
4 or 0.1% called themselves Mi/arrens
10 or 3.5% listed Kl/aine or Gle/e in their profile
15 or 5.3% listen Darre/n or posted photos of him alone
1 or 0.03% was a Guns ‘N Hoses page DING DING DING we found the Mia Stan.
Darren’s team gives her stuff? What exactly would Darren’s team need to give her? She is his wife. She goes everywhere with him. they own a home and bar together.
Chrisdarebashfulsmiles had a rare moment of honestly when she said “Believe me I don’t know how this is possible”. The truth is. it isn’t possible. it’s all made up.
Abby stuck her nose in to the conversation with this wisdom:
ajw720
And a lot of the stans who refuse to accept it, need M because she is the only thing that makes d straight. And they know as soon as they start to question, they have to face reality
Um, no Abs, Mia is not the only thing that makes Darren straight.
Darren is straight because he is a man who is sexually attracted to women....the very definition of “straight”.
Darren has identified as straight for 9 years.
Your confusion around his sexual orientation is simply your refusal to respect his word because you believe you know more than he does about his own feelings-however that isn’t a valid argument.
His marriage to Mia is a personal decision to build a life with the woman he loves and has been in a relationship with for 9 years or so.
Let’s look at Darren’s own words over the years:
2011 'Glee' Star Darren Criss Comes Out—As A Straight Guy!(X)
"I think it's more empowering to everybody, including myself, if I'm articulate about identifying myself as a straight male playing a gay character," the actor says in the Hollywood issue of Out magazine. "Ultimately, that's more powerful for both communities."
When Criss first got the role of Blaine, he admits that he wanted to deflect questions about his sexual orientation, giving reporters answers like, "It doesn't matter if I'm gay or straight." But he decided that it was better if he was just honest and straightforward. Besides, he explains, he owes a huge part of his identity to gay role models.
2011 “Glee Star Darren Criss Dishes on Kissing Lea Michele & Losing Out To Cory Monteith (X)
I’ve been pretty overt about the fact that I am straight,” Darren told Billy and Kit. “I think it’s an important thing to be explicit about — not for my own sexuality, but just as a general statement that I am comfortable with my sexuality and very comfortable with the fact that I’m playing a strong gay character.”
I’ve been pretty overt about the fact that I am straight,” Darren told Billy and Kit. “I think it’s an important thing to be explicit about — not for my own sexuality, but just as a general statement that I am comfortable with my sexuality and very comfortable with the fact that I’m playing a strong gay character.”
2013 Cosmo Guy” Darren Criss On Glee’s New Chapter (X)
Q: You're not gay; you just play gay on TV. Do you ever feel the need to assert your heterosexuality?
A: No. I know who I am. I feel bad for guys who have to flex their muscles. But hey, if that's the way to make yourself feel comfortable as a man—as long as it isn't antagonizing anybody—go for it. I'm okay with your getting a Miata to feel like a dude; just don't be a dick about it.
Darren Criss Will No Longer Play Gay Characters (X)
Darren Criss has decided that he will no longer play gay characters. Why? Because he doesn’t want to be a straight actor taking potential roles from actors who actually identify as gay, he said in a recent interview with Bustle.
“There are certain [queer] roles that I’ll see that are just wonderful,” he explained. “But I want to make sure I won’t be another straight boy taking a gay man’s role.”
2018 Darren Criss on Playing Serial Killer Andrew Cunanan in ACS: Versace and Passing as White (X)
You’ve also played a lot of gay and queer characters. Has playing these parts informed how you think about your sexuality or gender? That’s a great question. God, we need like an hour. Sure, yes. Absolutely. It definitely has. I think being queer in general evokes more self-questioning than somebody who’s cisgender straight, because you really have to explore a lot of things about yourself that are meeting resistance on conventional social levels. So you have to go, “Okay, cool. Is this really how I feel?” There are questions that arise within yourself that doesn’t have to happen if you live in a hetero-normative universe. So in that sense, I think the journey of questioning oneself, which everybody does anyway — and should do— I admire that narrative. Even though I am not gay myself, or queer, I am a storyteller, and I love and appreciate the strength of character it takes for someone to get through that, whether it was difficult or not. I’ve been very blessed in my career with being allowed in the gay community. Again, as a cisgendered straight dude, that’s not lost on me. I don’t take that for granted. It’s been such a huge part of my life, even pre-Glee. I come from San Francisco doing theater, man. Like, I was raised by gay men. Not literally at home, but you know, as a young kid doing theater, my friends were these men and women in their 20s, driving me home and getting me dinner. These were my adult figures in my life, so unconsciously I’ve always had such affection for the life, whatever that means. So I guess inhabiting a gay voice is important to me because it’s a voice that I find inspiring.
These are just two of the many lies the cc fandom tell their followers in order to manipulate them into believing the fantasies that means much to them.
#cc#ccer#ccers#cc family#cc blog#ccc#CrissColfer Cult#cc fandom#crisscolfer#darren criss#mia swier#Ryan Murphy#Darren is straight
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520: Radar Secret Service
So here’s a challenge. My stated goal for this blog is to watch and find something halfway intelligent to say about each and every movie the show ever featured. I’m not sure I can say anything intelligent about Radar Secret Service. I’m not sure I can say anything stupid about Radar Secret Service.
I don’t know if I can even describe the plot. The introduction is pretty straightforward, explaining to us that the men of the Radar Secret Service can find just about anything, from a school of fish to a hidden murder weapon. I wonder if anybody’s asked them about the g-spot. With a tool like that, they could go looking for the Ark of the Covenant or Jimmy Hoffa or something, but instead they’re keeping an eye on a shipment of radioactive material. Some crooks manage to steal the stuff despite the high-tech surveillance… and that’s where the movie starts to lose me. I can pay attention to this for about ten minutes, and then my brain just shuts the fuck down.
I mean, I keep trying to watch, I really do. I don’t know why I can’t. Radar Secret Service is only sixty minutes long, for crying out loud, surely I can pay attention to something dull and stupid for sixty measly minutes! I watched the sandstorm sequence in Hercules Against the Moon Men. I sat through the Rock Climbing in Lost Continent. Hell, last Thanksgiving I listened to my Dad and my brother-in-law talk about their unfinished home improvement projects for what felt like six days. Surely Radar Secret Service cannot be the thing that defeats me. I get myself a snack and my knitting and settle down, but without fail, by that ten minute mark I’ve lost track of who any of the characters are or what they’re supposed to be doing. My knitting’s on the floor and I’m playing Marvel Puzzle Quest. Shit.
I start over and try again. This time I turn off my phone. I close the blinds. I do my best to remove all distractions. I still can’t focus. The walls of my living room are more interesting than this movie. I find myself looking at them and wondering what happened to that National Geographic solar system poster I had when I was a kid, the one that showed all the moons to scale. I mean, it’s horrendously out of date now but it was my favourite poster for ages. Twelve-year-old me named all the characters in half a dozen unfinished fantasy novels after those moons. Out of sheer curiosity I googled, and found out that holy shit, you can still buy it! Well, damn, that’s kind of tempting, just for nostalgia’s sake.
Okay, no. I have to watch the movie. By twenty minutes in, I still don’t know any of the characters’ names but ‘radar’ no longer sounds like a real word. In fact, it’s not a real word. It’s an acronym for RAdio Detection And Ranging. In the UK it’s also the Royal Association for Dis-Ability Rights, and the Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago has the Research on Adverse Drug events And Reports committee. I bet either of those would make a better movie.
Wait, I’ve gotten distracted again. This isn’t working. Maybe I can watch it in MST3K form. Radar Secret Service is so short that almost all of it got into the episode. I could cheat and do a review based on just that. I do remember snickering at the skit about the Quinn Martin nature preserve. I should look up some of those people on IMDB. Maybe I can find some material for Episodes that Never Were. It says Lee Meriwether was in a mad science movie called The 4-D Man, which looks remarkably bad. I definitely need to see that…
God damn it.
Okay, clearly having a computer at all is too much distraction for me to watch this movie. I’m gonna have to pop the disk into an actual DVD player and watch it that way. Some kind of drastic measures are definitely needed here because I’ve written almost an entire page of this review and I have not yet actually managed to watch the fucking movie right through in one sitting. There’s nothing there to watch. Where are these people? Who are they? They all look and dress and sound alike. They all have identical mustaches and drive indistinguishable cars – I can’t even tell which is the Radarmobile unless we’re in a wide shot that shows the Christmas ornament on top. The only reason I’m sure that Waitress and Leopard Lady are two different characters is because they had a scene together at the beginning. Are they both wearing the same wig? They’re so alike that when one of them shoots the other I’m tempted to say it counts as suicide.
The characters have no character. The script imparts nothing to us besides minimal so-called plot information and the performances are dismally bland. The music is boring. The direction is listless. It’s no wonder they picked Oh!! There’s a dead man there!!! as the stinger because it’s literally the only memorable moment in the whole film. I’m not using literally to mean emphatically, either. I’m using it to mean literally.
Why did they make this movie? I don’t understand. It’s not an action flick because there’s no action. It’s not a drama because there’s no drama. It’s not a comedy because nothing’s funny. It’s not sci-fi because there’s no science. What are we supposed to take away from this experience? What are we supposed to learn? The movie is like a black hole, sucking in our hopes for entertainment and hiding them away behind an event horizon of boredom and confusion, from whence they can never be retrieved. I feel actively stupider for having seen even part of it.
Even if I were to make myself watch it all the way through, from the finding of the gun to the final arrest, in a single sitting, even if I were to force my unwilling brain to recognize every frame of it, what could I possibly say? There’s nothing to analyze here, no meaning, no metaphor. Even on a technical level, there’s not much I could add to what Mike and the Bots already said. Yes, everybody looks the same. No, I have no idea which side most of these identical gray suits with meaty 50’s men in them are on. No, the people who made this movie have no idea what radar is or what it’s used for. The Radar Men from the Moon were more relevant to radar than this movie and I don’t think they ever even used the word.
I could just talk about the short. The short! A shining beacon of something I can actually pay attention to! Sadly, the very fact that I could fill a review with my thoughts on Last Clear Chance is surely a sign it deserves an entry of its own. Where does that leave me?
It leaves me sitting on the sofa, realizing I haven’t paid any attention for the last few minutes because I zoned out dreaming up flowery metaphors for my struggle. I’m starting to think the only way I could actually watch this is to strap myself into a chair with my head locked in place and tape my eyes open, like something out of A Clockwork Orange. Even then, I might still manage to get distracted. My entire body is rejecting this movie. I think I’m making antibodies to it.
I cannot tell you how much I’d rather be watching A Clockwork Orange than Radar Secret Service. Hell, I’d rather be watching Caligula. Caligula had stuff to look at. It had characters with names.
Maybe… wait. What if Radar Secret Service is actually a brilliant work of art and I’m missing it because I can’t pay attention for long enough? Maybe it’s a satire of 50’s futurism and tedious moviemaking! Maybe the ultimate-spy-tool-radar premise is a comment on the erosion of our privacy in an increasingly technological society! Maybe the reason it’s so hard to tell the heroes from the villains is because the modern world has rendered both concepts irrelevant! There is no good or evil anymore, just men in suits either giving or obeying orders, no one individual identifiable as the reason why something happens! Maybe the two women are identical because the filmmakers are trying to point out that patriarchal society turns women against each other and ultimately against themselves! Of course! It all makes sense! How did I not see it before?
I have no memory of typing that last paragraph. What’s going on?
Oh my god. Oh shit. I know what this is. It’s the hypno-helio-static-stasis! I’m already in its clutches! The world is fading. I need to inject something thoughtful and entertaining directly into my eyeballs immediately. There may still be time if I can only reach Netflix…
And suddenly, there it is, looming over me like a glittering spaceship above Devil’s Tower National Monument… like a saving angel… could it really be? It is! It’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind! I reach out for it. I can already hear its dulcet tones ringing in my ears like a siren song… doo-doo-DAH-doo-DAH…
And then the ship wavers and fades away, leaving only a brushed chrome ball. My browser’s not even on Netflix. It’s on DailyMotion, and all that’s playing is a shitty print of Radar Secret Service.
I hope you guys enjoyed my mental disintegration because it’s all the review you’re gonna get. See you next week. Fuck this movie.
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Thoughts on Suspira (1977)
I know I said I wouldn't review any more horror movies I watched unless I got a request to do so after I post my IMDb ratings but… I'm sorry, I just have to talk about this. I… did not like this movie. I thought it kind of sucked. And I am very disappointed to say that given all the amazing reviews. I must be missing something here. This movie is praised as a masterpiece. Did I… watch the wrong cut? Did I not go in with the right mindset? I went in with no real mindset or expectations, in fact my decision to watch this one was rather impulsive, I was just not impressed by what I saw. Now I do want to clarify that this is NOT a film with no redeeming qualities, far from it. I've found that the most praise this movie gets is for its use of color, and for good reason, this is (for the most part) a gorgeous movie. The use of lighting is truly breathtaking, I mean this is the very definition of eye candy. Accompanied by this, there are a lot of incredibly interesting shots, expertly composed and fascinatingly creepy that just a mere glance at a handful of these will make plenty of people feel compelled to see this for themselves. But that's where one (of many) issues comes in. The visual spectacle only becomes notably prominent in the second half. It's not absent from the first half, but it's not there as much as you'd like it to be. In regards to the first half of this movie, for every one shot that's visually cool to look at, there's one that's also flat and boring. Like, it goes from amazing to "ehhh we don't really care" very quickly. That's just one of many annoying inconsistencies in this thing. I don't think I need to say it, you all knew it was coming. This movie is style over substance (when the style is even present, of course). The film opens with a pretty decent scene, creating a lot of intrigue with a kind of cool soundtrack, though it does get a little repetitive. Later in the movie… it gets VERY FUCKING REPETITIVE. I swear there are like three main tracks in this entire score, and they loop them over and over and over again, it feels like royalty free music that first year film students use because they're too lazy to get creative with their soundtracks. I toyed with the idea that maybe this was done to reflect some sort of descent into madness our main character was going through, but she wasn't really enduring that at all. She was just kind of, in danger constantly. The threat wasn't repetitive or redundant really, just the soundtrack. It got on my nerves very quickly, and looking back at it I can think of no good reason it's done the way it is. Anyways, back to the opening scene (forgive this abysmally structured review, but maybe you're getting an idea of how awfully put together this movie is). Like I said before, the opening is kind of cool, it's a good hook but you're left wondering if the film will deliver more than it's presented you. Well it goes from cool and mysterious to HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? In the blink of an eye the movie becomes so violent and bloody and totally not what you were expecting from the previous build up. Two characters we just met are murdered before our eyes, in an incredibly gruesome and over the top way. I swear to you, with this abrupt shift I was convinced that I was watching an experimental film, and I actually got kind of excited because now the movie got me hyped for some serious David Lynch type shit. Unfortunately, immediately after this, the narrative becomes conventional again. I didn't realize it yet, but that previous murder scene eliminates the mystery element this movie attempts to have almost entirely. So basically the movie takes place at this German dance academy where this new American student (our main character) starts to notice strange shit happening around the school. First some of the students act strangely around her, ranging from strangely nice to strangely snarky, but overall just strange. By the second half of the movie, it's completely irrelevant, those characters don't matter anymore. Only the teachers and other faculty members in their strange nature have any sort of significant impact on the plot. And there's no real suspense here, you KNOW they're not on the level. The first murder in the film was of a former student. And it was rather supernatural, almost anybody watching this knows that there has to be a connection between the two. Our main character did not witness this event transpire, she only saw the girl running away saying some cryptic shit. So, we know for a fact that this school is bad business, but our protagonist doesn't. Automatically she cannot be used as a catalyst for the audience to slowly but surely uncover new hints and clues that may explain the dark unrests of terrible things happening at the school. But she's at least interesting, right? We at least like her enough for us to want to see her get out of the film okay, right? Um… not really, no. Now she's not the most one dimensional character in existence or anything, but the amount of depth she has is lacking for this kind of film to work. Every now and again you kind of get what she's about, but not enough to feel as though you know her. She's like an acquaintance you when to high school with, like yeah you guys talked every now and again, and you kind of picked up on some of her quirks and interests, but you guys were definitely not close. That's who this girl is. You don't want to see bad things happen to her, but you won't be heartbroken if you do. She also has a friend who adds nothing but exposition to the movie. These two don't even build a friendship really, generic friend character just kind of whispers some things to the protagonist about how the teachers have always been creepy and mysterious, and suddenly they decide to stick together so they can survive, I guess. No real chemistry between the two, so these scenes aren't very interesting to watch, they're just kind of… necessary? By the way, that whispering scene I mentioned before has awful sound mixing. I could barely hear a word they were saying behind the creepy background noise, which is especially questionable when half of this film is ADR'd. At first I was willing to forgive the lackluster dubbing with the excuse of "oh maybe it's purposefully off putting, perhaps it will add to the tone of the film." Spoiler alert, it does not, it's just distracting. Suspira has a really awful balancing of tones. Sometimes it's incredibly over the top and bloody. Other times it's slow and atmospheric, trying to build suspense. Hell, sometimes it's just people talking with flat and uninspired dialogue. Absolutely none of it meshes, there's no glue holding any of this together, the filmmakers just pick and choose what kind of movie this is going to be at random spots, and they just can't make up their mind. I'm all for mixing genres and tones, but it should be handled like a chef carefully crafting a myriad of different foods into a gourmet dish, not some lazy slob putting his favorite meals in a blender and expecting it to be 5 star cuisine. 3/4ths of the way into this movie, there's a 10 minute long exposition scene that doesn't even attempt to be interesting or act as if it fits into the plot for a second. It's just one giant moment of "Here's what you need to know." I feel like this scene was filmed later in production, when the editor realized "oh shit, we didn't make enough sense out of what happens at the end." Speaking of the end, it doesn't really feel earned. The protagonist hasn't grown or overcome any obstacles, even though they sort of kind of I think try to imply she has. It's just her using a collection of information previously given to fight the odds at the end, kind of. Every now and again there's a problem she doesn't quite know how to face, but the solution ends up being so easy and takes her no time at all to solve that you're just let wondering "what was the point?" Now don't get me wrong, there were a few really good scenes. Scenes that, on their own, had me kind of invested, interested in what was going on and actually worked in being creepy/suspenseful. But they would have been better off in a better movie. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who will tell me that this movie isn't about the characters or the plot, it's about the style and the experience. That would be totally fine, if it stayed consistent with being a colorful over the top joyride of unpredictability. But it's not that, there are too many moments spent with our main character slowly wondering to herself "what is up with this place?" Well, we know what's up with this place, and we don't care enough about you to have any sort of investment in you finding out. The over the top moments don't work when you were trying to get into the suspense, and vice versa. Moments that are solely dialogue and exposition… simply don't work in any sense. A lot of shots are impressive and the lighting is gorgeous, but more times than not it's making up for it's lack of substance instead of harmonizing with it. I hardly felt any real emotion throughout most of Suspira. Was it supposed to be scary? Because I was hardly scared. Was it supposed to be suspenseful? Because it was almost never biting. Was it supposed to be funny? Because I never laughed un-ironically. Is it possible that this movie was supposed to be disjointed? Maybe it's some sort of parody of horror? Honestly, yeah that is possible, but even at that it doesn't work. I know this movie has a lot of fans and I'm glad people enjoy it. I envy that, I really do. I wanted to love this movie but I just didn't. I understand why people love it and I hope that one day I can change my mind on it and enjoy it too. Maybe there's something I'm just not getting, I don't know, but I got to go with my gut on this one. I just didn't like it, it was very disappointing. 4.5/10
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Transformers 5 News TF5 #79
Hello viewers, here is some more Transformers 5 news.
We apologize for the lack of news on the production of Transformers: The Last Knight. 1919 Studios is committed to finishing out the coverage of Transformers 5 movie news, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Some of this news you may read on here may be old, now irrelevant, or perhaps things you’ve already heard, We appreciate you staying with us.
1. Mini-Dinobots Revealed
Before the Super-Bowl began on February 5th, a short clip titled ‘The Mini-Dinobot Pre-Bowl’ was shown by Transformers showing off CG renders of what are being called the ‘Mini-Dinobots,’ and that’s exactly what they are. They’re dog sized versions of Dinobot Slug, Strafe, and Grimlock. Nothing is new about them, nothing is original, and it honestly feels quite childish. So childish that you think these Mini-Dinobots would belong in a Disney cartoon. In TF5 News #71 producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura mentioned that Transformers: The Last Knight would introduce the idea of Mini-Dinobots, and if this is how they’re really going to be in the film, then this is just sad. Very disappointing.
2. ‘The Maker’ revealed?
In the Super-Bowl TV Spot for Transformers: The Last Knight, audio can be heard of a conversation being held by Optimus Prime, and a new mysterious character. That conversation has a little bit of context within itself, as Optimus Prime refers to this new character, a female, as his maker. “Creators”, or now being known as “Makers” were a concept that were introduced to the live-action Transformers films back Transformers: Age Of Extinction. There were talks of The Creators in the film, and idea was put into motion for a female Transformer known as ‘The Widow Maker.’ Could this idea be revisited? Well we now know from the trailer that there will indeed be a female Cybertronian, so could Optimus Prime’s maker actually be known as The Widow Maker? And could this be the film’s version of The Quintessons from G1?
In addition to The Maker being mentioned in the trailer, we may have even more information on the character than we realized. If you go to www.IMDB.com and look up Transformers: The Last Knight, you will be able to find all of the actors who are a part of the film, from humans to Transformers. One actor, or rather actress in particular being Gemma Chan, who is credited on the page as playing the character ‘Quintessa’ in the upcoming film. Though this is posted on an entertainment website, it should not be taken as fact. IMDB users who have an account are able to edit any information on the website itself. Meaning, that this actually could just be a spoof done by a fan. If you listen to the audio of The Maker speaking, and then compare it to some other voice-over work Gemma Chang has done in commercials for example, the two voices sound very similar. So maybe there is some truth to this IMDB posting? Only time will tell.
Gemma Chan currently has a role on the AMC television show ‘Humans.’
Well that’s all the Transformers 5 news I have right now, and for all your Transformers for news, keep it locked right here. And all the Transformers 5 news I have, I get from The Ragin Nation
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616: Racket Girls
This one's bad. Racket Girls may not have the towering reputation of things like Red Zone Cuba or Attack of the The Eye Creatures, but it's just as awful, and has a shamelessly exploitative sliminess to it that is the equal of anything in The Brain that Wouldn't Die. This was one of the few odd episodes I hadn’t actually seen before watching it for this blog, and I will never watch it again. Fuck this movie.
After a short that actually offers some pretty good advice presented in an only slightly creepy format, we start the movie with some wrestling. I complained about the wrestling in Samson vs the Vampire Women, but while those scenes were way too long and contributed very little if anything to the plot, they were at least presented in some kind of context. We already knew that Samson was a wrestler, so we were theoretically meeting our hero there. In Racket Girls it's just bam, wrestling, featuring women we know nothing about. It continues through the opening credits and consumes the first six minutes of this seventy minute movie.
Real life sports events come with a lot of features that you just can't replicate in a movie like this. For starters, we usually know beforehand who's participating and which one we want to win. This scene features A Blonde and A Brunette, and they're already at it when the movie starts running – we haven't even been introduced to them. A movie also has a hard time reproducing the atmosphere of crowd enthusiasm that makes things like sports matches and concerts so much more enjoyable in real life than they are on a screen, large or small, and this one doesn't even try beyond dubbing some faint cheering into the background. There is nothing interesting or dynamic about the way the scene is shot – just a couple of cameras above and far back from the action, watching passively. It looks like the scene is being filmed for the six o'clock news.
Promising.
When the actual story starts, it does the same thing that annoyed me so much in The Unearthly, where it introduces us to somebody who is set up as if she's going to be our protagonist, and then does very little with her. In Racket Girls our non-heroine is Peaches Page (no, it's not her real name – according to IMDB that was Margaret Evans), a naive but ambitious young woman who wants to be a wrestling champion. She signs a contract with an agent named Umberto Scalli, and he introduces her to the rest of his establishment – too bad for Page and her dream, it's all just a front to launder money for the mob!
As the new person coming into this situation, it seems obvious that Page will be the character we follow and learn with for the rest of the movie – and for a while this appears to be born out, as we see quite a bit of her training. We expect that Page will discover the shady goings-on behind the scene and try to do something about it, but Racket Girls is too busy sucking to do anything so obvious or effective! Page's training, as it turns out, is nothing but eye candy. We're shown extended sequences of her jogging, jumping rope, and getting massages from other women, none of which has any point besides giving us something to ogle. At the climax, Page isn't even involved! The movie has no interest in any part of her that doesn't bounce.
I have a nasty feeling that this was a case of life imitating art. Scalli assures Page that he will make her a star, but all he actually does is take advantage of her. Racket Girls was Margaret Evans' first and last film role, although she did continue to wrestle under her stage name – I can imagine director Robert Dertano telling Evans that the film will be her big break into Hollywood, only to give her character nothing to do but jump rope and change clothes. The irony's rich enough to give you heartburn.
All this leering male gaze does stand in curious contrast to the wrestling scenes, which, as I noted above, are distant and documentary-like, showing us women wrestling in the same detatched way as a movie might show us men working at desks or horses grazing in a field. This obviously isn't a statement, since Dertano was happy to exploit Page elsewhere. I think it's just that he and cinematographer William Thompson had no idea how to make the scene interesting even on a sexual level.
The actual main character of Racket Girls, as far as I'm able to tell, is Umberto Scalli. As a movie character with a name that Italian, you know he's got to be a mobster. He's been pocketing money that belongs to his bosses, and now they want it back, but he can't afford to pay them. Somehow he's got to find the cash by their deadline, or he'll end up sleeping with the fishes.
This, too, could be a perfectly serviceable movie. We could watch Scalli's increasing panic as the mob and the cops both breathe down his neck, as he realizes his employees are stealing from him, and as his racetrack bets let him down again and again. A criminal who thinks he's on top of the world, only to find reality closing in, could be a main character in a comedy or a tragedy – but much like Page's story, Scalli's never really seems to get started. Rather than presenting a narrative, the movie gives us bits and pieces of plot that don't seem to connect with each other.
What is the significance of Jackie and her swanky apartment? Is she the reason Scalli has no money, or is that just Munck the book-keeper trying to win his trust by turning her in? As far as I can tell, the incident never comes to anything but Jackie losing her job. What's going on with the racehorses? Why did Joe kill a horse and what does that have to do with anything in the actual plot? Is the name Puncture Proof supposed to imply anything? Who the hell are the Leopard Lady and the Panther Woman and why do we care about their wrestling match? It feels as if the parts of a story are present but they expect me to assemble it myself, like the movie came from IKEA.
All the wrestling matches in the movie are exactly like the opening one. They have no narrative, they have no sex appeal, we don't know the participants, and we don't care.
Finally, after all these disconnected goings-on, Scalli concludes that the only way he can get the money he needs is by loading a wrestling match. He asks two wrestlers, Clara and Rita, to help him with this. We met these two earlier, in a brief locker room scene in which they complained about what a jerk Scalli is, but we certainly don't know them well enough to care about their principles. Both refuse to help Scalli cheat and stalk out on him, which leaves his fate hanging on the thread of chance but really means nothing to us.
I don't understand why Peaches Page is not herself a part of this climax. The movie tells us that Page believes she's climbing the ladder to stardom and Scalli is wooing her with expensive gifts and taking her to fancy parties. The other women try to warn her that Scalli is bad news but she's got too many stars in her eyes to listen. Surely the climax of the film should see her realizing she's been lied to and used, deciding fame and fortune aren't worth it, and winning her final match even as she knows it will ruin the man she thought she loved! That would not necessarily have been a good movie, but it would at least have been the movie promised to us in the opening scenes!
Not only do we not get an end to Page's arc, the movie wastes all the time it should have spent giving us the middle! Page's rise to fame and her budding relationship with Scalli are things that go on in the background. We're told about them, but what we actually see is all this stuff going on around Scalli, which may or may not have anything to do with the money he owes to the mob! In the end, the movie is just scenes of wrestling, scenes of bouncing breasts, and scenes of bad actors playing nasty, greedy jerks. It never comes together into an actual story. It's repetitive, it does not develop, it gives us nobody to focus on, and as a result we're just bored. I spent most of the movie wondering what happened to Peaches Page and why we were shown so much of her when she turned out to be irrelevant.
Racket Girls is pretty much incompetent back-to-front, and it's not even incompetent in funny or interesting ways, like Starcrash or Manos: the Hands of Fate manage to be. It's just a movie made by a guy who didn't know how to tell a story, filmed by a guy who had no idea how to shoot a scene, and starring a bunch of people who didn't know how to act. As a result, there's nothing in it worth seeing. It's dull and frustrating to the point where it actually makes me angry by missing so many of the opportunities it sets up. Watching it without Mike and the bots was a deeply unpleasant experience. I hereby banish this one to hang out with The Starfighters and Invasion of the Neptune Men in the great Cornfield of Crap, and I hope it stays there!
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