#this is honestly just further feeding into my obsession with this asshole

[syn0vial]

miscellaneous expanded universe boba fett characterization details, JUNIOR NOVELS EDITION

hello, hello! i'm here to share more random boba fett details, this time turning towards his younger self—specifically, his younger self as characterized by the boba fett junior novels that i may have had a slight obsession with as a kid. full disclaimer that the events of these novels have been alomst completely retconned by bitty!boba's appearances in TCW, but, well... i still like them, so there :<

and now, without further ado:

bitty!boba is kind of a bundle of contradictions. especially pre-geonosis, he's a genuinely nice kid who likes animals, reading books, and playing pretend. he also thinks murder is a perfectly good way of solving problems. he knows all about major underworld figures and various ways of tracking/harming others. he's also alarmingly sheltered and naive. he spends multiple days agonizing over feeding feeder mice to his pet eel and even attempts to release some of them against his father's orders. he tries to literally murder obi-wan like a week later. the kid contains multitudes, is what i'm saying.

boba: "a sea-mouse is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody" [obi-wan enters line of sight] "you, however, i would maim."

boba's life on kamino is honestly kind of depressing. he lives in extreme isolation and only has regular contact with like... four people, one of whom is a droid. he talks to himself constantly because he has no one else to talk to, especially when the adults in his life aren't around. for the first ten years of his life, he never even interacts with someone his own age. needless to say, it's a very lonely existence.

because he's stuck on kamino, boba learns a lot of what he knows about the rest of the galaxy by reading books. for this reason, he has an approximate knowledge of many things! so he's not completely ignorant on the galaxy outside his bubble, even if his knowledge is usually second-hand and incomplete.

for example, he knows JUST enough about the beings known as "mothers" to figure out that the changeling bounty hunter zam wesell isn't his mom—not bc they aren't even the same species, but bc none of the books he's read have ever mentioned moms shapeshifting, QED, zam =/= mom. flawless logic.

in addition, bitty!boba also doesn't know what a gender role is for the first 10 years of his life. when he finds out, he is extremely disappointed with the galaxy. no, i'm serious. he gets stuck on an orphanage ship after his father is killed and is befriended by a non-binary alien kid. the kid complains about binary gender roles and boba is just perplexed and appalled by the whole thing.

the kid LOVES starfighters. he likes reading about them, talking about them, and occasionally even seeing a few at tipoca city's spaceport. in fact, when jango wants to make boba feel better about [gestures vaguely at the state of his life], he takes boba to the spaceport and just lets him info-dump about whatever he sees there. (though, of course, no starfighter could ever beat slave I <3)

something else bitty!boba loves: STARS. he doesn't actually get to see them most of the time bc the sky is always overcast on kamino, but when he does see them, especially as he gets a little older, he's completely awed by them. later on, when he's stuck on that republic orphanage ship, he spends long stretches of time sitting in the rear observation blister, just staring out at the near-stationary starscape.

post-geonosis, boba has to change a lot. the most immediate lesson he has to learn is not to trust others and, of course, he learns it the hard way. after his father dies, this kid is just running up to strangers like "HI MY DAD IS DEAD AND I HAVE NO ONE TO CONTACT AND NO WAY TO GET HOME, PLS HELP." and these assholes are always like, "oh, what a coincidence :) i knew your dad, actually :) just follow me and i'll take care of everything :)" AND THIS FUCKING KID JUST BELIEVES THEM.

jango fett really taught this kid how to disassemble and reassemble a blaster but not about stranger danger, smh

anyway... several attempted kidnappings/robberies later... boba starts to realize that maybe going along with every adult who is vaguely nice to him is NOT a good game plan.

these types of lessons repeat and escalate until boba's general approach to interacting with adults seems to be to assume malicious intent until proven otherwise. which, tbh, usually serves him well. in fact, by the time he's established at jabba's palace (which is when he's like... somewhere between 12-14 maybe?), his strategy has evolved into "pre-emptively come across as a murderous, unhinged little shit to prevent future fuckery." which means this adolescent child is walking around jabba's palace threatening to get people killed and openly displaying a pair of severed hands in his rucksack.

don'tcha love character development

all that said, boba reverts to being a friendly, playful kid when in the company of people he trusts. in jabba's palace, this means the cooks of kitchen 7: a father and daughter who boba inadvertently reunited after killing the guy who kidnapped and enslaved the latter. though lowly palace servants, these two are basically boba's lifeline in jabba's palace, providing him with food, gear, and palace gossip, not to mention much-needed companionship.

bitty!boba is an excellent melee fighter. he spends the majority of the books unarmed facing off against adult opponents with weapons. bc he's not yet at the stage where he can overpower them with physical strength/weaponry, he instead defeats them by being a small, fast-moving target who WILL use whatever random objects are in his immediate vicinity to disarm/blind/distract/take down whoever's trying to kill him.

a sampling of items bitty!boba uses as weapons, off the top of my head: a small table. a light fixture. a squid kebab. a rock. one day he'll be so heavily armed that even his knees can launch projectiles, but until then, he makes do.

he also bites at least one person. ya do what you gotta do.

on a related note: the kid is impulsive af. that time he bit someone? he had a knife to his throat at the time but he still went CHOMP. aurra sing steals slave I? HE JUMPS OFF A BUILDING TO GET IT BACK. count dooku tries to confine him to quarters? HE ATTEMPTS TO BLACKMAIL THAT BITCH. jabba just tried to trick him into indentured servitude? BOBA YELLS AT HIM IN FRONT OF HIS ENTIRE COURT. honestly this impulsivity gets boba INTO trouble just as often as it gets him out of it.

overall, despite being raised by a very morally ambiguous individual on a backdrop of organized crime, bitty!boba's defining feature is that he still genuinely tries to a good person, even if his moral perspective is a little skewed. at times, he really seems to think that a good bounty hunter should be something like a superhero—that, ideally, it means not only taking out unquestionably bad people but also helping those that they would harm. in fact, from the first book, he envisions himself not just as a hunter but a protector and rescuer as well. of course, he kind of loses the plot as he gets older, but even then, there's that seed of idealism within him, however twisted it becomes with time.

[midnightswithdearkatytspb]

VelvetCardiganBucky’s Recommendations 2021: Week 12 & 13 | March 14th – March 27th

Welcome to weeks 12 & 13 of my recommendations, if you would like to be featured on a future list, I follow the hashtag #VelvetCardiganBucky, message me, tag me in your future works, or reblog this post and link to your story, one-shot, Masterlist, writing challenge, etc.

Be aware some if not most stories and writers on this list are meant to be consumed by an audience of those 18+. My blog is also an 18+ blog.

✨Page breaks are made @firefly-graphics✨

«Last Week

Week 14»

My Masterlist

My Fic Rec List of Mafia/Mob Bucky/Sebastian & Steve/Chris/Andy

Stuff I Posted This Week:

Steve + Bey = 4Ever » Steve Rogers and Bey carved places in each other’s hearts, that no one else could ever replace.

I Hear A Symphony » Bucky Barnes x Mutant!Reader — Reader plays an important song to her for Bucky.

—Formerly The Winter Soldier » “I’m no longer the winter soldier, my name is James Bucky Barnes & you're part of my effort to make amends.”

Lee Bodecker

(Mini) Series:

*Give In by @not-a-great-writer » soft!dark!Lee Bodecker x shy!Reader — She didn’t think she was anything special. So when the intimidating Sheriff takes an interest in her, she can’t help but feel a little unsettled. Her boring life is about to get a little interesting. | This story has to be one of my all time series I’ve ever read, and I know I will weep when it’s over. The chapters are decently sized, you have angst, fluff and smut. I couldn’t ask for more, it’s simply a masterpiece.

Deadbeat Pt. 9 by @the-witty-pen-name » Lee Bodecker x F!Reader — You work at the bar at the edge of town, the Sheriff is going through a divorce and needs to rent a room. | Cole thank you for feeding my current Lee Bodecker obsession after I watched The Devil All The Time, for the time. This story is good and I love soft!Lee, and one where no one dies. At least I hope no one dies...

SamBucky

One-Shots:

Loving You Is Cherry Pie by @river-soul » Sam Wilson x Reader x Bucky Barnes — When Sam Wilson, one of your regulars at the cafe finally asks you out, you’re ecstatic until he tells you he wants his friend to join. When you meet Bucky, you decide it might be worth your while after all. [Allusions to stalking, exhibitionism and explicit sex, 18+] | There is just not enough SamBuck stories out there and we have @river-soul to thank for feeding our love for the boys and giving us some good smut, especially to tide us over till Friday.

Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM by @callmeluna » Sam Wilson x Reader x Bucky Barnes — You are admittedly a handful when you’ve had a few drinks in you. Luckily, your partners Sam and Bucky are more than up for the challenge… maybe. | If you are looking for something to make you laugh, might I suggest reading this? The whole time as I read this I couldn’t get the huge smile off my face, it was that good.

Bucky Barnes

Drabbles:

Matching by @heli0s-writes » Bucky Barnes x Reader — Reader and Bucky are “matchy matchy,” with their belly button rings. | This is adorable as well as very funny.

One-Shots:

Smooth Criminal by @bestofbucky » Bucky Barnes x Reader — Based on a dream @velvetcardiganbucky had. You’re parents told you to never give rides to strangers, but when you notice Bucky Barnes trying to break into your car, you know some strangers aren’t so bad. | Jenny did my dream justice! I honestly couldn’t have asked for anything better.

Don’t Over Do It by @whisperlullaby » Bucky Barnes x Reader — Your boyfriend is an asshole. Bucky reminds you that you are perfect the way you are. | I can’t describe this anyway other than perfect, that I wish I had a Bucky like this there for me. Trust me you’ll love the ending.

Coming Home to You by @angrythingstarlight » Biker!Bucky Barnes x Reader — Your Biker boyfriend is finally home and he’s going to show you how much he missed you. With every inch he has. And you’re going to remember how much he loves you. | It’s not very often you read something that has an alternate ending and when you do you find yourself loving both endings. Both endings are hot, the smut is great, again who couldn’t love Biker!Bucky?

Won’t Let You Go by @kind-of-crazy-butthatsokay » Mob!Bucky Barnes x OFC!Kori — Kori met Bucky in one of his clubs, out to get shit-faced with a couple of friends to forget about her worries and maybe take home a guy to further rid herself of her numerous frustrations. Little did she know that the one-night stand with Bucky would turn into so much more than that. | Thank you so much for entering my writing challenge, it means so much. This one-shot is so good, it hit me right the feels and left me falling in love with Kori and Bucky.

Show Me How To Ride by @angrythingstarlight » Beefy Biker!Bucky Barnes x Reader — You’ve been keeping a secret from your biker boyfriend. He is going to get the information out of you one way or the other. | It’s hot and it makes you realize just how much you realize just how much you love Biker!Bucky.

Bubble Baths by @floatingpetals » Bucky Barnes x Reader (Modern AU) — Even your boyfriend Bucky, needs to wind down at the end of a stressful with a bubble bath, but he doesn’t want to do it alone. | Okay, so my summary of this sucks but let me just say this is fluffy and smutty all at once. I wish I had Bucky to take a bubbly bath with.

Bad Boy!Bucky Barnes x Shy!Reader by @gagmebucky — in which there’s nowhere to sit and bucky offers his lap—then, subsequently, his cock. (bad boy!bucky x shy!reader, dirty talk, exhibitionism and voyeurism, cockwarming, unprotected sex.) | *chugs water* yeah is it a little hot in here? I probably would have failed class if Bucky had been in my class along with Steve, I wouldn’t have known who to stare at, forget learning the material.

**Greater Good by @fuel-joy » Bucky Barnes x Reader — There is a cure for the zombie outbreak but is it worth the cost. | Grab your tissues, because you are going to need them. Thanks darling for entering my writing challenge and making me feel so many feels with this one.

(Mini) Series:

A Tender Heart ♥️ Pt. 2 by @river-soul » Alpha!Bucky Barnes x Omega!Reader — You’ve been sweet on Bucky since you started working at the compound six months ago. Normally quiet and mild mannered, an unexpired fight with a coworker brings Bucky into your orbit. [A/B/O dynamics, brief mention of bullying and fluff] | If anyone can pull at your heartstrings it’s @river-soul making the beginning of this series look so promising and I can’t wait to see where it goes.

Run To You 🪙 Pt. 10 🪙 Pt. 11 🪙 Pt. 12 by @bestofbucky » Mob!Bucky Barnes x Bodyguard!Reader — Mob boss Bucky Barnes hires you to be his bodyguard. | Jenny left me at the edge of my seat, making this such an amazing story, I always look forward to her updates, and so sad that there is only 1 chapter left.

Better than Working sequel to This by @angrythingstarlight » Beefy Biker!Bucky Barnes x Reader — Beefy Biker Bucky shows you all the benefits of working from home. In fact what he has for you is so much better than work. | Sometimes you just need to read something hot to lift your spirits, let this do that.

Stucky

One-Shots:

*Tell Me What You Want by @angrythingstarlight » Mafia!Steve Rogers x Reader; Mafia!Bucky Barnes x Reader — Your mob boyfriend, is none other than Steve Rogers and he is willing to get you whatever you wanted, all you have to do is ask. And be careful what you ask for because he’s going to give it to you over and over again. | This is so hot that I highly recommend not reading this anywhere out in public. The smut in this is just *chefs kiss*

(Mini) Series:

Miracle Pt. 2 🥀 Pt. 1 by @heavenhatesme » Soft!Dark!Bucky Barnes x Reader; Soft!Dark!Steve Rogers x Reader — When infertility threatens mankind with extinction and there hasn’t been a baby for almost 18 years, what happens when two certain super soldiers fall for the same woman and accidentally impregnate her? | It’s not tagged as dark, sorry to the writer I tagged it that please forgive me? But I just want to tell everyone heed the tags. I do look forward to reading what happens next. The smut in this is great!

Invisible Ink by @navybrat817 » Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader; Bucky Barnes x Reader x Steve Rogers — The owners of the Howling Commandos Tattoo Parlor want to make you their best girl. | I love the idea of tattoo’d Bucky and Steve, but that's because I have a weakness for tattoo’s. So this series is just right up my alley, and the start of it is so good that I know it’s good to be a great one!

Steve Rogers

Drabbles:

Chocolate Milk & Dino Nuggets by @nony-bear » Steve Rogers x Reader — Daddy Steve helps make his little girl feel better after a long week. DDLG THEMES | Had me wishing I had a Steve to make me Dino nuggets after a long day at work. It’s precious folks.

Prompt 4K Drabble Challenge by @sweeterthanthis » Steve Rogers x Reader — “Show me how deep you can take it.” | You’re going to need an ice cold bath after this one.

One-Shots:

A Cruel Tide by @writerwrites » Nomad!Steve Rogers x Reader — A lost hero thinks she needs saving, but this divorcée’s needs were different, fleeting, and then full of attachment. Can they overcome the burdens on their shoulders and keep their word? | Sometimes you want to wrap the reader and Steve in a blanket and protect them while enjoying the smut. This gave me that and more.

Untitled Request by @navybrat817 » Steve Rogers x Reader — Sending Steve a naughty photo while he’s in a meeting leads to punishment that will remind you to never do it again, right? | Hi, I’m just going to drench myself in ice cold water. ✌🏻

(Mini) Series:

*Control Pt. 3 🔐 Pt. 1 🔐 Pt. 2 by @river-soul » dark!Steve Rogers x Reader — When a probationary agent asks you out on a date you learn Steve’s intentions for you have evolved. He doesn’t take kindly to someone touching what’s his. [Noncon, physical violence (biting), grooming behavior and explicit sex, 18+] | Definitely one of my favorite series to read on Tumblr so far, you know it’s dark, and the smut is great. I always look forward to the updates on this one.

*Lipstick and Crayons 🖍 Ch. 4 by @oneoftheprettynerds » Dark Mob!Steve Rogers x Reader — Steve can’t ever repay you for what you did. After meeting you, Steve believes his broken family is the missing piece in the puzzle of your own wrecked one. Indebting the crime lord to you has been the biggest mistake of your life, cause now you can’t get rid of him, no matter what. Loyalty and favours go a long way in the mob. | This story always gets my heart a racing and leaves you with questions as to what is going to happen next. I truly love it and Soft!Dad while being Angry!Mob boss Steve all at the same time, this story just has it all for me.

This Is My Unbecoming by @river-soul » Werewolf!Steve Rogers x Witch!Reader — When the Hydra pack graduates from turning humans to swell their ranks to kidnapping and murdering witches to consolidate power, Steve knows he needs to strike. He makes a deal with a powerful coven leader for a witch of his own in exchange for destroying the rogue pack. [Magical realism, biting, blood, slightly dubious consent and explicit sex, 18+] | Okay this is so good and I would like to thank the teenage mind of @river-soul for creating this! Like seriously thank you. I look forward to reading more!

It’s been a long, long time ☕️ Ch.1 by @mostly-marvel-musings » Steve Rogers x Reader — Steve Rogers – a man who has lost too much finds himself blending into the crowd in attempts to forget his past but revisits familiar places and spends days sketching his heart out. A rainy evening leads him to find shelter in your coffee shop. Is having meaningful conversations over endless cups of coffee with a stranger the key to unlocking a heart that’s lost the will to love? | The prologue tore my heart out, it truly did but the first chapter just puts the pieces back together. I really love this and I’m honestly looking forward to reading what happens next. I can’t thank you enough for entering my writing challenge!

*Not A Team Part: 1 by @shedobewritingalittle » Steve Rogers x Reader — The Reader tries to live a normal life, but her memories won’t leave her alone. Rhodey comes to visit the reader with a proposition. | There aren't a lot of stories out there that have walk on parts with Rhodey in it and I didn’t know how much I missed out on having him in stories till I read this. This was just so well written and the characterization of Rhodey was perfect, how Peyton got the emotions written across, it’s perfect. Read this and have some tissues on hand. I will always love it.

Andy Barber

One-Shots:

Closing Arguments by @river-soul » Andy Barber x Reader — Andy and you are going out for the first time since your daughter’s birth. Anxious about leaving her behind Andy does his best to make you feel better. [Fluff with explicit sex (f recieving), 18+] | So fluffy and sweet!

Keep the Heat by @ozarkthedog » Andy Barber x Reader — Andy fucks you in the coat. | Semi-Short and the smut is oh so good.

(Mini) Series:

Homebound 🏡 Ch. 1 by @fuel-joy » Dark!Andy Barber x Reader — You witness your neighbor kill his wife. You try to gather evidence all from the comfort of your home. | Prepare to be at the edge of your seat with this one, it’s just that good.

One Night by @darkficsyouneveraskedfor » Dark!Andy Barber x Reader — One night changes your entire life. | This is dark and exciting, with tons of angst in it. I love a real good dark!Andy fic and this is it.

Chris Evans

One-Shots:

Mirrors by @cherrychris » Chris Evans x Reader — “wanna know what i see? me owning you and this sweet little pussy” | Sometimes you read things that just blow your mind and this was one of those things.

*Work Party by @harrylovex » Chris Evans x Reader — you get drunk at a work party and chris looks after you… | This is really adorable and probably one of my favorite fluffy Chris Evans one-shots I’ve ever read.

Misc.

One-Shots:

An Act of Kindness by @stargazingfangirl18 » Jake Jensen x Female!Reader — A simple act of kindness seals your fate. | I would like to simply start of by saying that this was my first Jake Jensen fanfiction in years, or maybe my first one, and all I could was where have I been hiding from him? So good and glad I read this and so will you!

*Come Back Safe by @celestialbarnes » Sam Wilson x Reader — based on tfatws, you find out sam’s leaving for a mission, afraid to lose the man you love, you confront him, and he promises you to come back. | So fluffy you’ll want to cuddle it under a blanket fort and wish under a thousand starry night skies for it to come true.

(Mini) Series:

Fiery Friends Pt. 3 🔥 Pt. 4 by @wanderinglunarnights » Johnny Storm x OFC!Sophia Jones — Johnny invites his best friend Sophia to stay with him in his penthouse during quarantine. | I really like this story, because I find myself mentally rooting for Sophia and Johnny, also going you go girl. Looking forward to what is next for this duo.

Ensnared Pt. 2 🔗 Pt. 1 by @stargazingfangirl18 » Ransom Drysdale x Female!Reader; minor Robert Pronge (Mr. Freezy) x Reader — Robert preps you for the handoff to the smooth talking stranger who bought you, but before he lets you go, he wants to have a little fun first. | So good and hot. Honestly I look forward to hopefully finding out what happens between the reader and Ransom.

Made With Love by @ayybtch » Wanda Maximoff x f!Reader + Friends to Lovers — Wanda is an excellent cook but a terrible baker. A rough day leads her to the bakery in the Avengers compound where she meets you, the lead baker. After a dismal attempt at making chocolate chip cookies, you volunteer to help Wanda learn how to bake. Your friendship grows stronger with each successful recipe until the two of you stumble into something even sweeter than baked goods. | This story will constantly have you smiling, sure it’s only 3 chapters so far, but I started off reading it in a bad mood but by the 3rd chapter I was just so sappy and happy. I can’t wait for more!

Without Me by CuttingMyFingersOff » Legolas x OFC!Braigeth — Braigeth was an elf who has nothing but memories of Legolas to help her survive being imprisoned in the walls of Orthanc. That is, until she is able to escape and reunite with him. | I’ve been invested in this since my friend came forward to me with the idea for this story and now that it’s being written, I couldn’t be more excited to read it. I need more Lord of the Rings in my life if I’m being honest.

Forever and Ever More by @syntheticavenger » Dark Alpha!Ransom Drysdale x Omega!Reader — Ransom Drysdale may be Boston’s most eligible Alpha but he has his eyes set on you. With his inheritance hanging in the balance, he won’t take no for an answer, whether you like him or not. | Prepared to go on a Hawaiian EMOTIONAL roller coaster with this story, there are so many times in this story you find yourself picking your jaw up off the floor. I’ve linked you to chapter 9, which has all the previous chapters, listed.

Is A Shout Out To My...

@bluemusickid in celebration of 700 followers is hosting a Holi Celebration Writing Challenge, that is due April 30th, but extension can be given. Any Marvel or MCU characters can be used in addition to Chris Evans and his characters. The theme is Holi and its colors, for better explanation visit the link provided.

@whisperlullaby in celebration of 700 followers is hosting a 700 Followers Challenge, your entries will be due May 5th. The theme is kinks, no RPF, DDLG/MMLG, bathroom related , incest, or under age kinks. This is MCU characters, Sebastian Stan, and Chris Evans characters x OFC or Reader. For more information visit the link provided. Congrats Becca on the 700 followers you deserve it hun!

@stargazingfangirl18 in celebration of 5K followers is hosting a Soft Dark Writing Challenge, which is due May 31st. Don’t let the name fool you, your writing can be soft, dark, or soft!dark, or headcanons about any Chris character. 500 word minimum with no max, but new or be read as a stand alone piece. For more information visit the link provided and be sure to congratulate Siri on her 5K milestone!

@cloudystevie in celebration of 4K followers is hosting a Mob!AU Writing Challenge, that is due on May 30th. You can use Chris Evans and any of his characters he’s played before, as well as make it NSFW or SFW. To learn more about it please visit the link below. Also congratulations Jasmeen on the 4K followers! 💗

[collecting-stories]

The Beach Day - ep. 02 - JJ Maybank

Summary: It’s the second day of s’week and your group decides to hit up the beach. Issues before and after put a  damper on the vacation but the events of the day might just bring you and JJ closer together. 

The S’week Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

///

“Beach day bitches!” JJ shouted, footsteps thudding down the steps as he entered the kitchen. Sarah was slumped over the island, scrolling mindlessly through her instagram feed while you sat across from her on your computer. 

“How’re you not hung over?” Sarah asked, turning just enough to glare at her boyfriend’s best friend. 

“Cause I didn’t drink my body weight in four locos?” JJ shrugged.

“You say as you down a natty for breakfast,” you mentioned, watching him stand in the doorway of the refrigerator as he drank. 

Sarah and John B had joined you on the beach the night before where Sarah had gotten absolutely cooked because she ‘couldn’t deal with JJ’ while she was sober. While the three of you split a case of Pabst, Sarah had accumulated as many blue four locos as she could find and proceeded to drink until John B had to carry her back to your house. 

“I need a shower and like three more hours of sleep before I even think about the beach.” Sarah mentioned, coming back around to JJ’s original idea. 

“Is the point of s’week not to go to the beach?��� 

“And I will JJ, when I’m not practically dead. I came down here for some ginger ale, sorry I’m not standing at the door ready to go.” Sarah snapped, sitting up enough to glare at JJ. 

“You guys are super fun to vacation with clearly,” you cut in, closing your laptop, “I have to go to the market before we hit the beach so...do you wanna come JJ?” 

You figured the best plan of action you could possibly have for this vacation, especially after yesterday, was to keep JJ and Sarah away from each other. If they could survive five days without murdering each other in the house it would only be because they didn’t spend any time together sober. Which seemed fine with both of them. 

Sarah got off the island stool, taking her phone and leaving the half empty can of ginger ale as she went back upstairs to find her boyfriend. Possibly to take the shower she claimed she needed but probably just to wake up John B and complain about JJ’s attitude all over again. 

“Morning,” Pope passed Sarah on the stairs, coming into the kitchen and grabbing a water bottle, “what’s with her?”

“Hang over,” you replied, “If you and Kie want to wait to go to the beach, I’m just running to the market with JJ and then we can all go?” 

“Yeah sure,” Pope nodded in agreement as you excused yourself to get changed. When you were out of the kitchen Pope turned his attention to JJ, who was rummaging through cabinets for something to eat. “I thought you ‘didn’t want to spend senior week with a bunch of fucking kooks’?” 

JJ paused in his search, looking back over his shoulder at Pope, schooling his expression into one of indifference. “Keep your enemies close Pope.” He replied, “and if they wanna buy you some free food then fucking let ‘em.” 

“You know, she does seem nice.” Pope reasoned. He knew his friend well enough to pick up on tells. JJ could pretend like he wasn’t as easily swayed by a cute girl but truth of the matter was that he was looking for the same thing John B and Pope had seemed to obtain. Someone in their lives a little closer than a friend. 

“Don’t try to make it something it’s not.” JJ replied, grabbing a bag of Frozen themed graham crackers and shutting the cabinet. 

You came down the stairs at the same moment, changed into different clothes to go out. “Okay, I’m ready.” 

JJ sat with his feet up on the dash, black scuffed boots leaving dirty prints on the glove compartment of your ‘88 land cruiser. He fiddled with his phone the whole time, switching between playlists as you drove. You’d given him the aux cord willingly, knowing that Kiara has good taste in music from the years at the academy with her and assuming her friends were the same way. 

“This car isn’t very kook of you,” JJ mentioned as he plugged his phone in, noting the old tape deck adapter that the cord plugged into. 

“I think you’re obsessed with that word.” You replied. 

“What? Kook?” 

“Yeah...is it possible for you to not say it for the next four and a half days?” You asked, looking over at him briefly as you stopped at a red light. 

“Of course it is.” 

“Okay, it’s a bet then.” 

“What do I get if I win?” He asked switching to another song when one he didn’t care for came on. 

“You can decide when you win.” You replied, “also, to ease your concern for my car, my dad’s not really into all that ‘kook’ shit. My grandparents are, hence the keys house but my dad tries not to flash his money.” 

“I’ve never met a k-never met anybody on the Eight that doesn’t.” JJ replied. 

“Well I think it was established yesterday that we should get to know each other more.” 

The Winn-Dixie you took him to was a little further away than necessary but it was your favorite, a little less updated, it reminded you of coming down in the summers as a kid. 

JJ was out of the car the second you pulled into a spot, grinning as he looked toward the entrance. There in the front of the store, between the set of sliding glass doors, was a mechanical horse that looked straight out of the 80’s. “I’m getting on that before we leave.” 

“I think you’ll break it.”

“I think you’ll break it.” He snarked back and you couldn’t help but laugh as you followed him inside. 

-

“Hey!” 

You turned in the frozen food aisle when you heard someone call your name. Kelce waved as he walked over, pushing a half-cart of food. 

“Hey, Kelce.” You greeted, shouldering the door to the Ben and Jerry’s display. “How’s the rental?”

“Pretty sweet. Heard you got Sarah and her friends at your place?” He replied, gaze shifting passed you as he spotted JJ at the top of the aisle. “Scarlett saw you two at the party last night. She told Rafe.”

You looked back as the blond approached, smiling at him before turning back to Kelce, “Scarlett can tell Rafe whatever the fuck she wants. I don’t really care. My life is none of his business.”  

JJ came up beside you, missing the entirety of the conversation, putting an arm over your shoulder for the sake of Kelce, while he dropped some orange juice in the cart. Kelce looked both of you over, an expression of annoyance and contempt marring his features. He wasn’t a big fan of Rafe but he would defend a fellow kook, especially a friend of Topper’s, over you any day. You flew under the radar when you hung out with them, and they tolerated you because your family had more money than most, but you were far from the typical kook.  

“I better get going.” Kelce finally said, shifting his cart to walk passed you, “make sure you  check all your silverware before they leave.”

Before he could pass you completely JJ’s hand grabbed the end of his cart and he stepped in front of Kelce. “What’d you say?”

“I swear to god, if you two make a scene right now-” You groaned, annoyed as it was that Kelce had brought up your ex-boyfriend or the fact that they were in creeping distance of your house. And now he was being an asshole to JJ.

“Hey, I’m just stating a fact.” Kelce said, grinning, “you got sticky fingers just like your old man-”

JJ shoved Kelce’s cart back, pushing it into him stepping closer. You grabbed JJ’s arm to stop him from doing any more damage. You didn’t honestly know anything about his family life or him other than what you were learning as you went along but what Kelce said had clearly struck a cord. JJ looked back at you, jaw tense but eyes softer than they had been when he was looking at Kelce.  

“It isn’t worth it, don’t let Kelce being a douche ruin the day.” You said, glancing over at the kook in the aisle. “Let’s just go.”  

“Fine. Lets go.” JJ grabbed the handles of your cart and twisted it around, heading back the way he had first come down.  

“Hey, in the future try to keep your dog leashed.” Kelce commented.  

“What the fuck did you just say?” JJ shouted, leaving the cart and coming back down the aisle. You darted in front of him, putting your hands on his chest to stop him from completely plowing passed you and pounding on Kelce in the middle of the Winn Dixie.  

“You heard me, fucking pogue.”

“I swear to god, say one more thing and I’ll fucking rip your throat out!” JJ threatened though he kept his anger in check enough that he didn’t push you.  

“Hey, no!” You snapped before turning back to where Kelce was still standing, looking smug, “Kelce, fucking leave.”

“See you guys around.”

“Like hell!” JJ shouted after him. Once Kelce was far enough away JJ backed away from you and ran his hands through his hair, trying to calm himself down. “I fucking hate those guys, I swear to god, they’re all fucking douches!”

“I’m not arguing with you JJ, I’m just saying it’s not worth it to push them, especially not in the middle of a fucking grocery store.” You sighed. “Lets just go okay...we can head back and go to the beach.”

“I gotta cool down...” JJ said, trailing off. He still felt like he wanted to punch something and Kelce was well gone by now.  

You stepped over to the refrigerator door closest to him and opened it, jokingly swishing it back and forth like you were fanning him. “Does this help?”

“I hate you.”  

-

The rest of the grocery trip went without a hitch, JJ falling back into a more easy-going persona as he walked the length of the Winn-Dixie with you. Without quarters neither of you got the opportunity to ride the mechanical horse though you promised to come back later in the week with him. When you got back from the store Sarah was already on the back patio, beach bag ready to go.  

“They almost left without us.” Kiara mentioned as she helped you unload the car.  

“Why am I not surprised?” You loved Sarah but she was single minded and currently, for the last few years, the object of her attention had been John B. It was fine when he wasn’t around but now her main focus was him and spending senior week with him and sunbathing.  

Able to wait long enough for you to come home from the grocery store but not long enough for you to actually unload the groceries, Sarah and John B headed down to the beach while you were still getting changed into your bathing suit. With them gone it just left you, JJ, Kiara, and Pope to head down the beach together though you didn’t mind.  

Even though it was senior week the beach wasn’t too crowded, the four of you setting up a little closer to the water. Pope helped Kiara with the umbrella while you set up the blankets, watching JJ pull his shirt off and kick off his sandals.

“Do you have sunscreen on?”

“JJ never wears sunscreen.” Pope said, looking over at his best friend.  

“You should be down here. The sun is more intense down here.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I've ever heard.” JJ replied, putting his sunglasses back on.

“Are you kidding me?” You asked, looking up at him like he was crazy. You knew from passed experience that the sun in Florida was a nightmare and could only imagine his pale skin burning in the summer sun.  

“You should put sunscreen on Jay, seriously.”  Kiara said, offering him hers.  

“Nope.” He shook his head and you rolled your eyes at him.  

“Don’t come crying to me when you burn.”  

You and Kiara headed down to the water almost as soon as everything was set up. As you neared the edge of the water JJ ran up behind you, grabbing you around the waist and lifting you into the air. You screamed in surprise, Kiara and Pope laughing as JJ carried you into the ocean and threw you into the water. When you surfaced, you jumped him, wrapping your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist and sending him falling back into the current.  

“Guys!” Kiara shouted when JJ accidentally backed into her trying to grab you again when you ran away from him.  

“Sorry!” You laughed, running behind Pope and holding him in front of you.  

“No! I’m not getting in this!” Pope said though he was laughing as he tried to move away from you.  

“Get over here!” JJ reached for you, just missing and falling into the water. While he was under, he grabbed your ankle, dragging you under as he surfaced. You screamed again as you fell into the water, coming up and sputtering saltwater as you tried to catch your breath.  

“JJ!” Kiara smacked his arm as she swam over to you, rubbing your back as you shook your head.

“I’m okay, I’m okay.” You swore, voice hoarse. When you looked up from the water your eyes met JJ’s and you smiled, splashing water toward him.  

You stayed close to JJ throughout the afternoon, offering him sunscreen a few more times though he continued to claim that he ‘didn’t burn’ and that he was perfectly fine in the sun. When he and Pope went further out to jump waves you headed back up the beach with Kiara to sunbathe.  

-

“I don’t think you should go,” you said, standing in the door of the bathroom as JJ stood in front of the mirror, inspecting the harsh red burn that covered the entirety of his back and shoulders and part of his arms. You had been right about the sun in Florida and he had learned that the hard way.  

“I’ll be fine.” JJ replied though he sounded a little apprehensive. “All I need is some aloe and I’m good as new.”

“Okay,” you bit your lip, knowing that it was a bad idea to let him go to the party but also knowing that there was no way he was going to listen to you. He hadn’t listened to you in the market and he definitely hadn’t listened to you about putting on sunscreen so there was no reason for him to listen now.  

The party was down the street from your grandparents' house and you cut through the beach to get there, carrying your shoes as you walked beside JJ. You knew his back was bothering him by the way he kept twitching but you said nothing. The party the night before had been nothing compared to this one which was clear as you walked into the house.  

“Finally, a good fucking party.” JJ announced, scoping out the place.

“He says on the second night of the entire week.” Pope commented, rolling his eyes.  

Kiara pulled him off to dance while John B and JJ went to find refreshments. Sarah stayed by you, hovering a little too close, and you frowned as you began to catch on to her motive. “I don’t even know if they’re here.”

“If my brother and Topper heard that there was a party anywhere near their place and didn’t decide that they definitely had to come? Yeah, I’m sure they’re having a quiet night in playing scrabble.”  

“I didn’t mean they wouldn’t be here I just meant I’m perfectly capable of dealing with your brother Sarah.”

“Except every time you see him you’re so cringe it’s unbearable.”

“I am not!”

“How many times have you gotten back together with him? Because the second he even looks your way you totally turn to jello and do whatever he wants.” Sarah pointed out.  

You crossed your arms over your chest, looking around the party and suddenly feeling like you wanted nothing more than to leave. “Look, it’s over. For real this time. I don’t want anything to do with him and I’m not just saying that.”

“Good, I hope not. JJ and I don’t always get along but he’s John B’s best friend and I don’t wanna see him get hurt or anything.” Sarah commented.

“What are you even talking about Sarah? JJ and I are barely friends. Just because we hung out today doesn’t mean we won’t go back to our usual kook v pogue shit when we get back to North Carolina.” You replied, “I’m getting a drink.”

You pushed through the crowd to the kitchen, grabbing a seltzer and heading down the hall for somewhere quiet. Sarah had sucked the party right out of you and honestly all you wanted to do was walk home and forget the whole night had even begun. You knew she was right, you had fallen back into Rafe’s charm more times than you could count but this time you swore things were going to be different. They had to be. You couldn’t keep putting yourself in that situation. And speak of the devil, you had just grabbed the doorknob on the bathroom when you heard the familiar voice call your name.  

You turned around to see Rafe standing there in the hallway, beer in hand and grin on his face. “Topper and Kelce said you were down here...I was starting to think they were seeing things.”  

“Did it occur to you that I didn’t want to see you?” You asked, turning your face away from him and looking back down the hall.  

“Oh come on, you’re not still mad about your grad party are you?” He asked, stepping closer to you.

“Am I still mad that you showed up to my graduation party high off your ass and embarrassed me in front of my entire family. And then on top of that I had to catch you with my cousin?” You said, holding your ground. You hadn’t been lying to Sarah when you said that the last time was the last time you were doing this.

“Babe-”

“Don’t babe me Rafe, I made it perfectly clear I wanted nothing to do with any of you. Why are you even here? Aren’t you a little old to be hanging out on senior week.”

You watched the tic of his jaw as it tensed, “I came to see you and convince you to give me another shot babe. What happened was a mistake.”

“You sound like Topper, desperate and pathetic.”  

Before you could get away Rafe grabbed your wrist pulling you closer to him. “I won’t give up.” He said, leaning forward and kissing you while you were trapped between him and the wall. He reeked of alcohol and you pushed at him, trying to shove him away from you. He wouldn’t let up, hands holding your wrists and pushing you harder against the wall.  

“Rafe!” Someone shouted and his concentration broke long enough for you to push him away and duck into the bathroom. You shut the door behind you and locked it, leaning your head against the wood and taking a deep breath. Trying to steady your heart beat as the sound of the bass from the music thumped gently in rhythm with the pounding.  

You heard the familiar gag of someone about to throw up and turned just in time to see JJ throw his head almost into the toilet bowl as he vomited. His whole body seemed to convulse and as he fell back against the tub you realized he was sweating.  

“JJ!”

He groaned but said nothing to you, leaning forward into his lap. You came over, kneeling onto the ground beside him and carefully reaching for the hem of his shirt. “Can I take this off?” You asked, “I want to get some aloe on your back to cool you down.”

“I’m not even drunk, what the fuck.” He groaned, letting you take the cut-off shirt off of him. You got up and grabbed some aloe from the cabinet before coming back and sitting between him and the bathtub. He leaned closer to the toilet, waiting to throw up again.

“I think you have sun poisoning Jay,” you said, watching him shiver as the first of the aloe hit his shoulders and neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Tally this as another fucking terrible part of the trip.”  

“When you’re feeling up to it, can we try walking back to mine? You might be more comfortable there, where there isn’t a massive party happening.” You reasoned.  

He nodded. There was a long pause as you worked aloe into his back, cooling him down significantly, before he finally spoke up again, “are you okay? Why’d you come in the bathroom?”

“Saw someone I didn’t wanna see.”  

“Kelce?” He joked. A second later he was kneeling up on his knees so that he could throw up into the toilet and you were holding his hips to steady him as he leaned over the toilet.

“It’s okay.” You comforted when you realized the quiet noises, he was making were whimpers from the feeling the vomiting was causing. “You’re gonna be okay.” When he fell back onto his butt again you rubbed his back carefully, adding a little more aloe. “We need to get you some water too, sun poisoning can dehydrate you.”  

As you took care of JJ any thoughts of Rafe where pushed to the back of your mind. You knew it was only the second night and you had the rest of the week to survive, and he was was nothing if not persistent, but you couldn’t worry about what he wanted or what he would do when JJ was taking up all your attention. Not for the same reason he had on the beach today but still, you didn’t mind focusing on him for a while.

-

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[plutoswrath]

This is an uncomfortable aspect to ask about (and I’ve sent in many lol) but this is personal for me and I understand this aspect essentially from just living it... but need further understanding. My North Node is in Aquarius on my 7/8 house cusp (it manifests as BOTH I use to think it had to be one or the other, but BOTH occur simultaneously) I also have the asteroid Dejanira conjunct NN on the 8 house side. Basically what I’ve experienced is I always have healthy relationships (7H) (I also have Saturn in 7) but at the same time will have a toxic relationship (8H) occurring as well. This has gone on thru my life - parents were split and relationship w Dad was not healthy, and I’ve repeated this pattern w friendships in school and so on... My husband whom I’ve been w since 2009 had a best friend who’s entirely “narcissistic” but I’m soooo irresistibly drawn to him and my North Node is on his Ascendant exactly conjunct my Dejanira, also my moon is conjunct his moon/Lilith conjunction in his 8H (my 4H) (but literally ALL of our planets are conjunct it’s so insane and sickens me - we’re over a year apart) we were essentially a trio of besties and nothing ever happened between me and my husband’s former best friend but the feelings were there for both of us and he went kinda nuts (honestly so did I - I’m in therapy lol) and we stopped being friends in 2018 ... so I’m also best friends w this same guys sister (they don’t get along and she had actually reached out to me a few times and this past summer her and I reconnected) and now she’s getting married soon and I can FEEL HIM AGAIN (after finally getting over him!) and I’m entirely terrified of this dynamic replaying but it’s on my North Node and he’s so manipulative but can draw people in and is so deceiving and I’m afraid he’ll rope my husband or even me in even tho I know better bc I literally am a moth to a flame w him and I lose all control. The Dejanira thing is a pattern tho bc after we stopped being his friend in 2018 I had a female best friend who I became very close w and she literally got physically abusive w me in January this year and now her and I are taking time apart and I feel thrusted back to the past now. (He actually introduced me to this girl and blamed her on “stealing?” me - actually most of my friends I know thru him and I actually feel like I replaced him for all these people which is weird when you think about the fact that all of mine and his planets are conjunct). I’m SO SORRY this is long and hasn’t been a direct question - Can you give me insight into my own Aquarius North Node being on my 7/8H cusp w Dejanira? I felt like the back story would help/was needed, I’m so sorry it’s a lot. It’s just so hard bc I genuinely care about this asshole too (our moons are conjunct! in 8H/4H lol). Can you tell me about my North Node/Deja being on his Ascendant too? Are him and I bound together? How does him being the Ascendant make him feel when contacting my North Node and Deja? Any info you can offer like even in general with what I shared, and is this like a curse that I can break? Will it just continue on throughout my life? THANK YOU 🤍🤍🤍

Hello! I’m sorry but I’ll take the opportunity now to adress something important here. This is nothing personal against OP, but rather a well meant, general advice:

Over the years that I’ve been on here and studied astrology, sometimes I get messages of people telling me about very personal, negative experiences and they try to trace it back to their birth chart and particular placements/aspects, tell me about the personal conclusions they drew out of their experiences or ask for advice on how to counterattack certain negative energies, etc. And I get it, I do think astrology can be a wonderful tool to try to get to understand you, your life and your potential better and I actually embrace and appreciate people being open and vulnerable with their experiences.  Often times though, I get messages of people telling me about very concerning and precarious situations, including straight up abuse and emotional manipulation and just down right trauma in the making, but finishing the message with questions like ‘Is it because I’m a Scorpio?’ or ‘What placements make me do that or cause that to happen?’. These messages are not just concerning by itself, especially when minors send me them, but it really rises the qestion, if astrology is the right thing to look into for a solution for your circumstances now? I especially don’t want to confuse newbies and young people with the illusion of astrology as an answer to all of your problems, because when you deal with precarious situations like abuse or something similar, I think astrology also bears the danger  to get lost in it’s interpretation of seemingly possible outcomes, and thus can lead to more harm and maybe prevent people from getting help or taking actual, physical action. Because after all, not every manifestation of the parts of ones birth chart, but also synastry don’t have to manifest. There are a lot of external forces influencing your life that have nothing to do with your birth chart, which can, and can’t trigger various areas of your chart. I think abuse and trauma shouldn’t be justified by ones own birth chart placements. With that I’m not denying the negative aspects about astrology, and the ability to explain life by it, but I think if people are in dangerous and traumatizing situations it’s not good to feed even further into false believes by telling people that they themself can be the root of the abuse. And this is not me denying the actual negative parts of astrology (because yes, planets such as Pluto and Saturn or asteroids like Chiron do point to hurt, negativity and trauma), but this is simply me saying that even by a simple message I can usually tell and feel when people can take the astrological advice and answer or if someone gets confused and the astrological knowledge can feed even more into the negativity and hinder them from healing and seeking help.  I’m not only concerned for the people at the other side of the screen, but as the person offering astrological help and guidance I think it’s also my resonsibility to decide when to share that info or not. Astrology and other divine practices can improve your life and help you, but please know that they should be used wisely, always. 

To you OP: First, I apologize that I answer just now, but I was torn on how to answer and adress my concern. Dejanira on the NN can indicate an individual that is meant to outgrow pain live for healing, there’s also a possibility to influence others positively with their experience. Especially if the 8th house is involved the experiences one might  And with Dejanira conjunct his Ascendant he might see you as an improvement to have around in his life, and thus he could even form an obsession with you.  But in all honesty, if he’s truly a narcissist, cut him out of your life once and for all, or the cycle will repeat. I hope you will be able to leave all of these people behind and can live your life with healthy, supportive people. I wish you all the best and apologize again that I just answered now. 

[justjessame]

Babysitting Butcher Chapter 32

Life as a human guinea pig is a strange thing. First of all, there's the questions. The same questions over and over, to the point where the machines and medical doodads and the noise that became almost normal for me, but the questions became the irritant of the day.

"How are you feeling today, Dr. Taylor?" As I'd squint into the bright light being forced into my marrow it seemed. A muttered reply from me, and honestly the same answer in varying degrees of annoyance or acceptance depending upon the day and how many times I'd been asked it so far. "Uh huh, and are you feeling warm? Is there tenderness in your abdomen?" While they poked and prodded, testing skin, muscle, bone and eventually blood.

Did you know the average human adult has around 1.2-1.5 gallons of blood which equals roughly 10 units? I know this because I wanted to be certain that I'd have enough after all the blood testing. Research would either be the way I kept sane or what finally pushed me over the ledge into complete madness, mark my words.

Billy visited, as often as he could, and every single time he'd greet the head poker in residence with his own version of the repeated question game. "How is she? What's the bloody progress?" At which I would inevitably check the arm that seemed to be their favorite vessel for bloodletting. "How much longer?" And then he'd meet my gaze and focus his attention on ME, rather than on my medical condition.

Yes, I was calling it a condition. If I let the reality of my situation fully grip me, then I'd scream. And I had moments of it, trust me.

How would you feel if every single time the man you loved walked in and spoke about your person as though you were a petri dish experiment before reminding himself, through sheer force of finally SEEING you, that you were in fact the woman he loved?

Now take that feeling you just got from that scenario and add the annoyingly taunting voice of the caped asshole who caused this whole fucking irritating bullshit situation reminding you that you fell in love with a man for whom hatred of supes is as natural as inhaling. Feeling just a hint of discomfort? Just add the sound of beeping, buzzing, and dripping to remind yourself of the fact that this was all happening while I was being held hostage as a "let's see what happens if we try this mixture to counteract the demon juice flowing through her veins" was tried over and over.

Strained. My nerves, body, and brain felt strained. Even after the feeding tube was gone and Billy could kiss me. Even after I was given the go ahead to work from my hospital bed. Frayed would be a kind way to say how absolutely on edge I felt.

And the worse part? I felt like I was missing something. Something important. Something paramount. Just out of reach and as though, even surrounded by my laptop and notes, something that was keeping me out of an important loop.

The longer that I stayed in the 'undisclosed medical' location, the more that I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. Literally anywhere. I started to yearn for Bolivia and the Black Ops team that had gotten caught up in the web of a rogue agent and 'died' implicated in a massive fuck up of epic proportions.

When a rational woman who knows how the inner workings of other people's brains and behavior follow reliable patterns starts thinking fondly of the heat of a tropical place where she had to wade through more red tape than most people would assume humanly possible to unravel the truth, all while hearing the type of rumors about the men she was trying to clear and resurrect from faked death, then shit has hit epic levels of horrible. It did remind me to contact that team to see how their return to their former lives had worked out, and wonder if their leader had gotten over his own tragic ability to attract murderous women.

I wanted to go further than the small courtyard deemed safe enough for me to explore, and near enough to make them taking me off the dialysis machine after another fun round of 'clean her blood again' reasonable. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and watch television at my discretion without interruptions for another round of the questions and poking I wanted, in short, to be back to normal already.

I might have been empathizing with Billy's urge for the Vought wankers (his word, I swear) to find the magic solution so life could go back to the routine we both wanted a return to. Or I might have been trying to only see the positive outcome, since there was a creeping feeling that maybe, just maybe there wasn't an easy fix or a fix at all.

A month passed, with my cabin fever slowly increasing by the day, and with it my internal and external temperatures. Oh yeah, that's right, I might have forgotten to mention that while the steaming was at bay, now it was just my actual body temperature that would fluctuate and freak every single fucking person all the way out. When Billy said I nearly went "nuclear" he hadn't been joking, apparently I could have fucking exploded like a goddamn human time bomb and I didn't want to consider just how fucking messy that would have been for the janitorial staff.

Finally, maybe because I wanted some type of control about the questioning, I started asking some probing ones of my own. And what I found, when they would meet my eyes and answer me as fully as I wanted, was that that creeping feeling was growing more likely.

The issue wasn't simply that they didn't know which variation of Compound V that Homelander had me infected with, it was that as they broke down the components and addressed each one, my body didn't simply fight their attempts, it attacked itself. The asshole, it would appear, had basically chosen the self destruct version, and it was trickier than any puzzle these 'real doctors' had ever come across. I was truly feeling the confidence of having a toddler performing my brain surgery with this knowledge.

Oh and that wasn't all, even IF they figured out how to 'neutralize' the formula inside of my bloodstrain, then there was a probability that I could pass it on to any future children. Isn't that some kind of amazingly poetic bullshit to hear after you chose to evict a foreign invader from your uterus? That the one stabilizing agent I'd had scraped and dumped was the ONLY one that I would ever get to actually be allowed to experience. Remind me to send Homelander a HUGE fucking thank you card, would you?

Early into my first true consciousness, before I found out just how fucked the pompous dick had made my entire existence, Billy had told me that my parents had visited while I was knocked out. Apparently near death experiences make even the weirdest of families reunite. And mine was no different.

Mom became a regular visitor and I was shocked by how much I started looking forward to her visits. She was strangely comforting, and tried to keep my spirits up, she even made peace with Billy. Dad was less frequent in his contact, but Mom told me it was difficult for him to see me look like a shell of myself.

And I did. I looked like a ghost that's haunting what was left of my body. The feeding tube had kept me nourished, but my muscle mass had suffered from the amount of time I was forced to spend in bed. I was constantly tired, my work hours going from nine to six to an hour here, a few minutes there, and the amount of napping I did would make most house cats jealous. The gowns that I wore hung from my frame, my appetite was scarce and I felt like this was the LONGEST goodbye letter ever to be written.

As the days passed, one merging into the next without me taking stock of how much I missed, how much that puzzle of what I was missing had bothered me early on, the negative ideas started creeping in. Homelander's voice grew louder. His smug question about Billy and me and what my condition would mean for the two of us in the end kept pushing through my attempts to distract myself.

I was sitting in the soft chair they'd brought in for me by the window, staring out and thinking of my options when Billy came in for his visit. I heard him, in the background noise of beeps and whirls, ask his questions. I felt him when he was nearer to me, but my eyes stayed on the 'view'.

He started to greet me, but my mouth opened and the question came out without me thinking about it. "How will you do it?" I watched a leaf, one missed by the obsessive groundskeepers, dance in a breeze I wish I could feel. He was confused, his reflection showed that much. "When you kill me, how will you do it?"

"Veronica," I could hear the pain in his voice, the fear hiding behind it. "I wouldn't-"

"Frenchie then?" I tilted my head considering. "MM? Hughie barely managed to make the choice with-" I stopped and took a breath. "Kimiko?" I sighed and pulled my legs up onto the chair, hugging my knees. "I hear she makes quite a mess of her prey." My voice wasn't loud and it didn't sound anything more than resigned, and I was a little curious. "If you can get Starlight to do it, you could make it seem like self defense? Or," I sighed, and bit my lip, "it would finally give you a reason to take her out too."

"Ronnie, love, that's not gonna-" I turned and he flinched when he saw that I was serious and not the least bit upset. "Ronnie?"

"Billy Butcher, I wrote the book on you." My smile felt wrong to me, but right at the same time. "I know you inside and out, or at least I think I do." I had the research on the flash drive that was hooked into my laptop on the bed. "You are single minded in your focus and your focus has been on eliminating supes from the world for a very long time." I turned back to the window, staring past the view and at the reflection of the room behind me. "It was one of the things I found the most attractive about you, I think. That you could see a goal and pound away until you master it." He sat in the chair close to me, but at a distance far enough that he'd have to work to touch me. "So, how will I die, Billy?"

"You'll die safe and sound, of old age in our bed, Veronica." I smiled sadly at this pipe dream of a fairy tale he wanted so badly to believe. "When you're sick of me, remember?" I could hear how badly he wanted it to be true, how much he wanted to hold me and it to all be a terrible dream.

"Never took you for a nursery rhyme and fairy stories fan," my eyes were still on the window. "This isn't going away, Billy, what he put in me isn't going away. And you will start to look at me like you look at him." My eyes found his, and face to face I wanted to force him to see it. "You will. And then, just like you, Frenchie, and Hughie brainstormed about Translucent and the best way to end him, you'll start to consider my pressure points." I gave a harsh, humorless chuckle. "And the funniest part is that Homelander built mine in for you, all you have to do is take me off the blood cleanse for a day and my own body will do it for you." His eyes tightened at the reminder of how many close calls I'd had. "Oops, I guess I just planned it for you."

"Please don't." He was begging me to let him pretend it wasn't the truth, that he wouldn't lose me too, and because of the same supe as Becca's cause of death. "Don't do this."

I smiled sadly, knowing he knew, even without me telling him, what was going to happen next.

[timeisacephalopod]

Without Romance

Have an ironpanther soulmate AU (where you see color when you meet your soulmate) in which Tony is aromantic and poor T’Challa is his soulmate and also confused by the Americans. Though Tony doesn’t use the word ‘aromantic’ because its not a term he’s ever come across before. But its pretty obvious that he’s aro.

Tony is trying to wrangle his damn cat back into her carrier but she’s not really having it when someone taps him on the shoulder. “I should have named you Jar Jar Binks instead of Leia because you are being annoying as fuck,” he hisses at the cat before he turns around to find a pretty attractive dude laughing behind him.

“Beautiful cat. Um. I think you’re my soulmate,” he says and tony snorts.

“Nope, don’t do that shit. Find whoever was behind me,” he says, turning back around and picking up the cat. She places her paws on either side of the carrier and Tony sighs as she does her best to resist going into the fucking carrier. “God damnit Leia, would you just cooperate for ten damn seconds, you don’t ever hate the carrier one you’re in it!” he tells her. He gets an annoyed meow in response.

“Um. There isn’t anyone else but you in this direction,” the guy behind him says and Tony looks up. Huh, that’s weird- turns out he’s right.

Tony shrugs, “doesn’t matter, I don’t to romance so that’s a fluke on your part. Get your eyes checked,” Tony tells him as he finally manages to wrangle the cat into her carrier. “Finally!” he says excitedly, shutting the door before the cat dashes out and he spends another half an hour jamming the animal back in there. This is why he avoids taking her to the vet.

Behind him the guy sputters. “I.. but... you... you must have seen in color when you saw me too,” he says and Tony shakes his head.

“Nope. Cat’s my soulmate. Fitting because like I said, I don’t do romance. Cat’s cute and fuzzy, romance is messy and jammed into fucking everything for no reason at all,” he says, shaking his head. He had desperately turned to the horror genre, a genre he hates on account of what asshole likes to be scared, only to discover that even killing the shit out of people has romantic subplots. He assumed stupidly that maybe the genre, being what it is, wouldn’t have couples and shit but holy hell even a bunch of people dying for some reason needs a romance in it. Tony is genuinely floored by the obsession though he supposes in this soulmate obsessed country he’s the weird one. But damn, just one time he’d like to watch something without that garbage in it.

Even advertisements have soulmates in them. When he’s buying soap the last thing he cares about is soulmates so why are they mentioned again?

“Oh. Well that’s certainly unusual. I... don’t think that changes you being my soulmate though,” the guy says and Tony turns back around.

“I’m going to be blunt with you here. I don’t do relationships, I don’t give a fuck about soulmates, I don’t understand the world’s fascination with them, and I don’t view it as some sort of reason to give shit about you. Not to be a dick but you seeing color means nothing to me and why would it? Its literally a chemical bath on your brain, how’s that supposed to mean anything to me?” he asks, shaking his head. Its not a good reason to start a relationship.

The guy gestures to the cat. “We both like cats. And Star Wars,” he says and Tony rolls his eyes.

“Ninety percent of the world likes Star Wars and cats might have a lower population who love them but that’s still at least thirty percent of the world. Do better,” Tony tells him.

HIs companion smiles a little and Tony’s surprised he hasn’t been slapped. A couple people around them damn well look like they want to slap him and honestly they can fuck off. Its not his fault he’s right. “In my country there’s a word for people like you, the ones who seem to have no interest in soulmates,” he says and well okay, color Tony curious he didn’t expect this guy to actually do better.

“Uh huh. What country is that?” he asks. Accent isn’t familiar to him even if its certainly African. Probably closer to the south of the continent, but that’s about as good as his guess gets.

The guy smiles, “Wakanda,” he says and Tony lets out a loud snort.

“You mean the isolationist nation that hasn’t been involved in world politics since what, pre-colonial times? Buddy,” Tony tells him, shaking his head. Shit, he could have come up with a more believable country than that.

*

Rhodey watches as Tony proceeds with the most hilariously awkward encounter he’s ever seen him in. Sam sits across from him also watching for his own amusement. “The prince of Wakanda. Gotta admit I didn’t see that coming.”

“Honestly it was the cat I didn’t see coming. I think a prince of a nation we haven’t heard from in hundreds of years is honestly a lot less weird than his cat.” Tony had been ecstatic and honestly Rhodey genuinely thinks it didn’t occur to Tony that the implication of his soulmate being a cat was that he would have sex with it. Obviously that never happened but still, Tony was the only one who didn’t immediately think that.

Sam rolls his eyes at him. “Only because you have some weird assumptions about soulmates,” he tells him and Rhodey sighs.

“Yeah, you have a fancy degree or whatever but I have eyes. I know how soulmates work.”

“We don’t actually, and who can be soulmates with what degree of acceptance is entirely based on the time period we’re talking about. Like Jim Crow era America was not cool with interracial soulmates, but especially if one was black and the other was white. And gay people, and platonic connections, and familial connections- the further we get out of the accepted norms of romance the less accepted those connections are. Animal and human, for example, tends to be frowned upon because we assume soulmates look like only one narrow definition of romantic acceptability,” Sam tells him like he’s never said all this before.

“Then why are all the soulmates in America romantic?” Rhodey asks.

“They aren’t dingbat, the ones that don’t have that connection aren’t like Tony and flaunting it about. You think interracial soulmates were out there yelling about their soulmate being a black person? Probably not when they’d both get killed for being defective. Tony being famous and well loved probably saved his ass from worse speculations than cat fucking. Which is an absurd conclusion to come to, by the way.”

Uh huh. Sam can go on the way he does all he wants but Rhodey wants real proof, not two and a half people in a couple studies who claim that they don’t have a romantic connection to their soulmate. Though it is pretty clear Tony loves his cat in a not romantic way. But then Tony never really has done the romance thing.

Case and point, the poor bastard looks pinched across the table with T’Challa and he keeps shooting Rhodey ‘help me’ looks. “Should we go save him?” Rhodey asks Sam and he shakes his head.

“No. He stole that last dumpling last night and his pasty ass can suffer there,” Sam says, glaring at Tony. Rhodey snorts and starts laughing because Sam has always been a petty bastard but that has to take the cake.

*

T’Challa looks confused and Tony’s never met anyone who doesn’t assume all soulmates are romantic ones. “But Tony’s soulmate is a cat. Do you... do you think he has... relations with the cat? You don’t, right?” he asks, giving Tony a panicked look that disappears fast presumably because he looks so disgusted.

“No, T’Challa what the fuck?” He relaxes some, giving one of his guards in orange a relieved look. For a second her harsh exterior fades as she cracks just a bit of a smile before she goes back to looking like she’s ready to kill a man. Or woman. Or whatever, she doesn’t look like she’d be picky about it.

“No I don’t think Tony fucks the cat,” Rhodey tells him. “But he’s weird.”

“He’s not weird, this happens all the time in Wakanda. What do you do when soulmates are so far apart in age they can’t possibly hold a romantic interest in each other?” he asks, frowning.

“Assume the older one is a pedophile and throw them in jail,” Sam says. “Don’t look at me like that I shit you not that is an actual American law and will land you on the sex offender registry.”

That’s the most absurd shit Tony has ever heard and clearly everyone in the room, even romantic soulmate fan number one Rhodey, agrees with that.

“Americans are stupid,” T’Challa mumbles. “No offense,” he offers to Tony only.

He shrugs. “Yeah I mean. True. People printed stories about me and the cat for like four years consistently. Like sure, climate change is going to fuck us all but lets talk about that one guy who loves his cat and our speculations about it based on nothing but our assumptions of what soulmates need to be even though its obvious that’s not what’s happening here. It really is exhausting.”

“What about family members that are soulmates?” T’Challa asks. “Or soulmates who don’t share a sexuality that would inspire a romantic connection? Or people like you who don’t have an interest in romance at all but still have a soulmate?” He nods at Tony specifically. In Wakanda they have a word for it not that Tony can pronounce it. Apparently the loose translation is ‘without romance.’

“Oh list is longer than that depending on where we are. Pretty much anything that wasn’t a white heterosexual Christian couple was thrown right out of all research on the basis of being ‘perverted’ so uh. Yeah, here its romance or bust. We’ve gotten a little more lax with interracial pairings and gay people but they still get a bunch of shit. And people like Tony are basically unheard of.”

Tony frowns, “that’s not true, my Twitter feed is constantly lit up with people thanking me for saying that I have no interest in romance and soulmates because they feel the same way. We aren’t rare, people choose not to see us even when I’m literally yelling in their face.” Like with Rhodey, who really only seems to accept that Tony is different, not that his perceptions in totality are wrong. Even when Sam, his beloved soulmate, points out the flaws on Rhodey’s views he still doesn’t see it.

“In Wakanda we are aware that soulmate connections are as unique and varying as the people in the relationships. I assumed that romance thing was just the British,” he says, shaking his head. Because most of his travels outside Wakanda, Tony has learned, were to Europe though he stuck mostly around Britain in particular. He’s obviously been to quite a few African nations but he doesn’t seem to have stuck around long enough to get a lasting feel of their soulmate culture. Tony’s pretty sure if he had he wouldn't have concluded that only the British act that way with soulmates.

Sam shakes his head, “nah. I mean it’s a European idea and the wide spread assumptions about romance and soulmates being interchangeable did come out of European colonization but by now more of the world believes romance and soulmates are the same than not.”

Tony has no idea why Sam thinks that’s a useful area of study or why he chose that after the army but here he is. And apparently he loves his soulmate counseling job. Tony’s pretty sure he’d shoot himself if he were Sam.

“Why is it that ninety percent of the world’s useless ideas manage to come from Europeans shoving their culture down everyone’s throats?” T’Challa asks, irritated.

“In Europe’s slight defense if someone else off and colonized they’d probably do the same thing,” Tony says.

“But they didn’t, now did they? Regardless, American assumptions about soulmates are absurd. Imagine ignoring such obvious evidence the way you do! Throwing people in jail because their soulmate connection is not what you deem acceptable only because your definition is narrow and restrictive- absurd!” he says, shaking his head.

*

Shuri snorts and starts laughing. “Oh come on big brother, if you’re going to tell tall tales about Americans at least make them believable. No one would assume a man would have sex with his cat because the cat is his soulmate that’s ridiculous!” she says. Fuck Tony was born in the wrong damn country. Shuri looks between him and T’Challa and frowns. “He’s not lying, is he?” she asks him and Tony shakes his head. She lets out a long sigh and looks as lost and confused as T’Challa had when Tony first explained this all to him.

“So now we should expose him to proper soulmate culture because his culture has victimized him, teaching him there is something wrong with him because he didn’t have an interest in soulmates,” T’Challa says, shaking his head.

Truthfully he still doesn’t but he actually likes T’Challa and if nothing else no one else is allowed into Wakanda and the country is stunning. Might as well take advantage while he gets to know T’Challa better.

[erratic-erotica]

When You Dare (Dicks Out For Harambe)

What up, bitches. It’s me (DD) again, hittin’ hard and fast with another one.

Caveat:  I did actually more or less enjoy this one, so it won’t be nearly as scathing as the one for Hard Night: Penis Patrol.

Anyway, without further ado, here comes When You Dare by Lori Foster.

ALTERNATE TITLE: CROUCHING CHEST HAIR, (BARELY) HIDDEN PENIS

So, When You Dare starts out with our hero, Dare McIntosh (aka Biceps McGee) out on an extraction mission in Tijuana to recover his friend’s sister, Alani, who has been kidnapped by human traffickers. Sucks, man.

So he busts into to where this poor girl is being held, casually executing the Expendable Guards, and is like “TADAAA. HERE I AM TO SAVE THE DAY,” which, you know...valid.

A couple of the other girls being held there just sort of…flee into the night. As you do. But besides the girl he’s there to get, there’s another one who is clearly in bad shape. And so Biceps McGee does what any noble hero would do given the circumstances and goes, “Well. Don’t mind if I do, then,” and just fucking…takes her with him?

So after delivering Alani, Biceps McGee is just like, “Shit. What do I do with this woman?”

Woman solves this conundrum by waking up and kicking him straight in the face.

That’s what you do with this woman, my dude. You get kicked in the face.

Anyway, Biceps McGee is not a doucheyacht, so he’s like, “Alright, fair play to you, lady.” He explains he’s a Good Guy and has smuggled her back over the border, and would she like to go to the police, a hospital, or a hotel?

Lady opts for hotel (because shower), and I honestly can’t be all too judgy about that? I’d want to shower, too, after being kidnapped and beaten for nine days.

Lady introduces herself as Molly Alexander (hereafter Self-Effacing Heroine), and she doesn’t want to make a police report just yet, because she is actually a famous writer (no really, Ryan Reynolds is attached for the film adaptation of her book) and can’t believe she was abducted by accident…which means someone in her life is no good asshole.

So let’s meet our suspects:

Self-Effacing Heroine’s ex-fiancé, Adrian: they broke up over her not buying him new rims for his car, I guess.

Daddy Warbucks: Heroine’s rich and snooty father who is just all about appearances, to which heroine and her younger sister have never measured up. He also drove Self-Effacing Heroine’s mom to suicide and then married himself a new, equally obsessed with appearances Stepford Wife.

Readers: APPARENTLY, Heroine did a bad and ended up putting in a plot twist that nobody liked, and now she’s just fucking swimming in death threats! Oops!

“Cool,” I said to myself at this point, “It’s probably the step mom. No need to stray too far from the Evil Stepmother trope.”

After her first shower in like a week and a half, heroine goes, “Hey, dude, you’re like, the only person I can trust right now. Big ask, but could you maybe help me find out who arranged this?”

And Biceps McGee is like, “Sure. Wait. Why did I say sure? I was gonna drop you off somewhere and wash my hands of this mess. Is this what having feelings is like?”

After some nighttime snuggling due to nightmares (also justified), Biceps McGee and Self-Effacing Heroine are off for Kentucky, because that’s where Biceps McGee lives, on his palatial lakeside estate, with his two Labradors that he calls “his girls” and his live-in gay personal assistant-slash-best-friend, Chris.

Heroine has a nice vacay there for a bit, doing some writing and hanging out with dogs, doing her damnedest not to get in the way and to be a good guest. She has another Convenient Nightmare, which justifies another sleepover (just sleeping, hand to god).

Did I mention that Biceps McGee can cook? Because that’s honestly the sexiest part of any hero. It’s nice you got biceps and all but fucking feed me.

Eventually, around page 200 or so, there is finally a by-the-docks snog sesh. Whoooooooop, whooooooooooop. SOUND THE SMUT ALARM. Except, no. Just, like – the fingering whistle. Maybe a kazoo? I’ve got it: the FINGERING HURDY-GURDY.

And Biceps McGee is just like:

Anyway, Biceps McGee has a little tête-à-tête with Self-Effacing Heroine’s father to determine if he’s behind it all, presumably while looming threateningly. Every girl wants to get with a guy who threatens to destroy her father, after all.

Then they book it back to bumfuck, Ohio, where Heroine is from, to do some more pro-level investigating. Self-Effacing Heroine and Biceps McGee have just returned to her apartment (to find it trashed, natch).

But, THEN! Surprise appearance by ex-fiancé, who comes in while macking on some rando. Of course, Biceps McGee and Heroine are all like, “DAFUQ, DUDE.”

Ex-fiancé helpfully explains that, well, he came by to check on Self-Effacing Heroine and maybe try to get back together (???????) and since she had just up and disappeared, he took it upon himself to use her apartment as a shag pad.

Gross. Anyway, after some strange flirtation with Biceps McGee in front of her ex, presumably to evoke jealousy, they toss him and his rando out, and proceed to bang it out. Extra gross, my dudes. Change your sheets, first. Jesus. You don’t know where your ex has been at this point. This is also the point in the plot where Biceps McGee definitely catches feelings like they might as well be an STI.

Shortly thereafter, Self-Effacing Heroine’s sister sneaks in the apartment, too. Clearly, Heroine’s apartment is just the hottest joint in town. Sister has brought her boyfriend, who is ex-FBI, and currently a private detective. How perfectly fucking convenient. Anyway, not much comes of this. Sister is apparently the only person who knew/cared that Self-Effacing Heroine went missing for over a week, and she was just, like, hella worried and shit.

This development is followed by more smut, this time in the bathroom! Guys, that is dangerous. Do not try this at home! You will straight-up kill yourselves, and I will laugh at you. At least they eventually have the good sense to move the party back to the bedroom, with no more inconveniently-timed surprise visitors.

The next day they decide it’s about time to confront Daddy Dearest one more time, because he’s got some sketchy business connections. It’s also about the time that Biceps McGee just kinda casually drops the, “Hey, why don’t you come home with me and we’ll see where this thing goes?” line.

Of course, Self-Effacing Heroine is all like, “HOT DAMN. I mean, I can work from anywhere.”

So it’s off to Daddy’s mansion they go at last, and there they are met by Stepford Wife/Stepmother Kathi (with an i!).

Daddy Dearest rebukes Self-Effacing Heroine for showing up uninvited because he is just so dreadfully ashamed that she got herself kidnapped and shit. Won’t anyone think of his reputation?!

Biceps McGee is like, “Come at me, bro,” because ain’t no one talking down to Baby Girl. Ain’t no one. There’s some more familial bickering, but ultimately they leave Daddy’s house again, because Biceps McGee doesn’t actually think Daddy had anything to do with it, even if he is a piss-poor father.

But Daddy’s got suspicions of his own, which are, shortly thereafter, confirmed. It was Stepford Wife/Stepmom Kathi with an i all along. For those of you playing along at home, the score is DD: 1, Novelists: 0.

Although it is not directly stated in the story, I prefer to imagine Kathi-with-an-i with crazy eyes at this point in the story. She did it all for her husband’s reputation! Self-Effacing Heroine’s books are depraved! What would the neighbors think?! Also, she’s been sleeping with some other dudes, but she did it for love and continuing social position!

But Daddy Dearest is just like, “Get thee hence, hoebag,” and just pawns her off on the police or something, idk. He’ll never be a contender for father of the year, what can I say.

Meanwhile, Biceps McGee and Self-Effacing Heroine have arrived back in Kentucky (but why Kentucky, my dude? You are like, hella rich), reuniting with Chris and the dogs.

But wait. Stepmomfordwife Kathi had one more trick up her sleeve! A bomb or some shit goes off, and it’s chaos all around! Luckily, no one is seriously injured. And Self-Effacing Heroine takes a trip back into the flaming house to retrieve Biceps McGee’s doggo, thereby cementing her place in his heart F O R E V E R.

The bad guys are quickly subdued, because you don’t fuck with Biceps McGee and Company.

We close on “Hey, let’s pick out rings,” because it’s always a great idea to marry someone you’ve known for about a week. Everyone knows trauma bonding is the basis of true love!

All in all, porn with (fairly decent) plot and enjoyable. I give it a 5 out of 6 and a half inches.

Until next time!

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Fairytales

Part 2 of 2

A/N: I got all the Russian endearments from a website that listed endearments. I put them in Google translate and they seemed vaguely right, so... sure.

He was really not expecting this. And he wasn't ready for this conversation, not really. The panic he was feeling must be showing on his face because Bucky slouched, making himself look smaller. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping well, which made Tony’s stomach clench with guilt. He had done that to him.

They stared at each other, before JARVIS broke the silence. “Would you like me to save the simulation results, Sir?”

Tony jumped. “Yes, yeah, save and shut it down, J.” He took a deep breath. He was an adult. He could do this. “Wanna sit?” He waved a hand at the workshop. There was the couch that he had transformed into his bed, and a few stools scattered around.

Bucky nodded, and chose the couch. “Sit with me?”

Tony sat. He was an adult. He could do this. He opened his mouth, but Bucky beat him to it.

“I’m sorry.”

Frowning, Tony turned to face Bucky. “For what?” Buck didn’t have anything to be sorry about. He was the one who ran and hid for a week, ignoring his soulmate. He was the one who was a complete asshole, not Bucky.

“For-” Bucky paused. “Whatever you need me to be?”

Tony huffed out a laugh. “What a pair,” he muttered, shoving a hand through his hair. He let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry. I was an ass. I should have said something. Or not hidden away. For so long. Or said something. Sooner. Did I say that?” He mentally cringed at that terrible apology. “It really had nothing to do with you, but I took it out on you.” There, that sounded like an apology from someone who had their shit together.

Bucky nodded slowly. “I thought it was. Me, I mean. I understood.”

Tony reached over and took his hands. The contrast between the metal and the flesh hands was startling, but this wasn't the time to geek out. “No.” He said it firmly. leaving no room for disagreement or questioning. “This was 100% my hang ups.”

“That's what Natasha said. And Steve. And Clint, and Bruce, and Pepper, and Rhodey.”

Tony colored. “They all talked to you?”

(Watch out for the break!)

“I was pretty bummed,” Bucky said frankly.

Well, ouch. He probably deserved that. He definitely deserved that. “I’m sorry,” he said again. It was all he could say. “Tell me how to make this up to you.”

Bucky smirked, and there was an echo of the old Bucky Barnes from the war reels in it. “I can think of somethin’.” Then he sobered, looking more like the man Steve had brought in two weeks ago. “Give this a try?”

Tony could try. He was the king of trying. Plus, that smirk. It would take a saint to resist that.

He definitely wasn't.

“Yeah. I can do that.”

--

It wasn't easy. They had moments of awkwardness, and they had to sometimes pick their way around each other’s triggers, of which there were plenty between the two of them. They had arguments, and they spent time apart cooling off. But they both tried.

Sometimes Tony overcompensated for being an asshole for that first week, but Bucky would gently remind him that he accepted him exactly as he was, hang-ups and all, and Tony would quickly settle back into relative normalcy.

“Hey snowflake,” Tony said cheerfully. They had had a talk the night before, which was a nice euphemism for crying while talking about their emotions and needs. But like always, today was a fresh day. They had promised, early on, not to go to bed angry at each other, and it helped a lot. Their fights were further apart, and they were closer than ever. “What's up?”

“Can I just come see my cахарок[1] for no reason?” Bucky asked, wrapping his arms around Tony’s waist from behind. Tony was sitting in a stool, working on another project for SI.

“Sure you could. You haven't yet.”

Bucky kissed the side of his neck gently, and Tony melted into his arms. “So, what brings you down to my lair?”

“I brought you coffee,” he said, nodding towards the mug that was set on the work table. “And some cookies.”

Tony lit up. “Coffee? For me?”

Bucky nuzzled his nose behind Tony’s ear. “For you, baby.”

Tony half turned in his seat and kissed Bucky. “You’re my hero.”

“I know.”

“Want to stay and help with the gauntlets?” Ever since Bucky had seen Tony working on the Iron Man suit, he had been obsessed, asking question after question, and would be content to sit and watch Tony work on even the most mundane of details if it had anything to do with the suit. Eventually, Tony had started offering to let him help, and Bucky had nearly vibrated off the seat, he was so excited. When Tony asked, Bucky had shrugged, and evaded his eyes about why he loved the Iron Man suit so much.

It wasn't that important, and it was honestly pretty flattering, so Tony let it go, since Bucky seemed so embarrassed.

“Absolutely!” He seemed as enthusiastic as ever.

--

They started going out on dates, a month after they broke the news that James Buchanan Barnes was still alive, courtesy of a knock-off serum. They spun the story a little bit. Since the Winter Soldier was a ghost story for even top intelligence agencies, they didn't release that Bucky had been the Winter Soldier. All that was stated was that he was alive due to a bastardized super-soldier serum and some non-reproducible freezing methods. The very idea that a second super-soldier from World War II was still alive and young was more than enough to feed the media frenzy.

It was assumed that the real story would leak eventually, but until it did, this allowed the public to see the new Bucky before they saw him as a weapon.

Probably. The public was fickle.

Plus he was soulmates to Tony Stark, who was sometimes America’s darling and sometimes the devil incarnate. He could never keep up. He still felt a pang of sadness in situations like this that Bucky was saddled with him as a soulmate, but Bucky had said over and over that he was more than delighted to have him as his soulmate. He had no choice but to believe him.

“Here, try this,” Tony said, offering his fork to Bucky. It was salmon with a citrus sauce. Ever since they had started going out, Tony had delighted in introducing Bucky to new foods. Before the war, Bucky and Steve had been poor. During the war, the army was more interested in easy and moveable than interesting, and Hydra? All Hydra cared about was that their Asset was functional.

So now he got to show Bucky new things every time they ate out. Sushi. Fish. Duck. Escargot had been a memorable experience. They had even both tried snake, at a restaurant in LA. Tony because he would try anything at least once, and Bucky because Tony had dared him.

“It ain’t snail, is it?”

Tony shook his head. “Just salmon. You'll like it.”

Obligingly, Bucky opened his mouth and let Tony feed him the bite of salmon. Swallowing, he nodded. “S’good.”

Tony felt a flush of warmth, having picked something his soulmate liked. It was ridiculous, but he liked pleasing Bucky.

“How's your steak?” No matter where they were, if steak was on the menu, then Bucky got it. He had a ranking of every steak he had eaten so far, with several categories. Tony wasn't sure how he assigned points or kept track, but between Bucky and JARVIS, there were nearly twenty different steaks on the list now.

“Great!” Bucky said enthusiastically. “Better than last week’s steak. Want some, Лучик?”[2] He offered Tony a bite.

Tony accepted, just like he did every time. “You're right, this is better.”

Bucky gave him a quick kiss before stealing a bite from Tony’s plate.

“Hey!”

Laughing, Bucky offered Tony another piece of steak.

--

Tony still spent a lot of hours in the workshop. He did, after all, work full time as the head of R&D for SI, full time as a consultant for SHIELD, and full time as essentially the quartermaster who also designed the weapons for the Avengers. Bucky never complained, since Tony put in an effort to watch the time, and if he forgot, to leave when Bucky came to collect him.

“My Дракончик[3], you've been down here for hours,” Bucky said, startling Tony.

Tony steadied the soldering iron before he dropped it. “It's only been what, ten, twelve hours? I've gone longer, haven't I J?”

“Sir, it's been nearly twenty. And while you indeed have worked longer without sleep, that doesn't mean you should.” JARVIS’s tone was disapproving.

Frowning, Tony pulled up a clock. “It really has been twenty hours. He tried to stand, but his back protested and he sank back down. “Ouch.”

“What’s wrong?” Bucky’s voice was worried.

“Just knotted up my back pretty badly,” Tony admitted. “Have to move slower.”

Bucky settled his hands on Tony’s shoulders. “How about a hot shower, and then I give you a massage?”

Tony could already feel the knots disappearing. “What did I do to deserve you?”

Bucky brushed a kiss over the top of Tony’s head. “You did nothing but be you.” He helped Tony stand, and walked with him to the elevator.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, cupcake,” Tony told him.

“You're in no shape for what I want, Зайчонок[4],” Bucky said, his voice deep and gravelly. “At least, not yet.”

Tony felt that tone go all the way through him down to his toes, but he gave Bucky a baleful look. “Did you just call me a bunny?”

Bucky had the grace to look embarrassed, but didn't take it back. “You are pretty cute, Зайчонок,” he said, flicking Tony’s nose.

Tony rolled his eyes as the elevator door opened but didn't press it. The nicknames, as silly as they were sometimes, made his heart go a little bit gooey. “I believe you promised me a hot shower and a massage?”

“To begin with.”

--

Tony had been tossing the idea around for a while now in his head, and had even worked out a few schematics, but he wanted to ask Bucky before he went any further. The arm, while a serious piece of engineering marvel, was old. It needed near constant updates and maintenance, and while Bucky never said anything, he could tell it was causing him some stress. And the maintenance sometimes caused pain, which made Tony feel like the worst person in the world.

“J, can you get Bucky down here?”

“Of course, Sir.”

In under three minutes, Bucky appeared. “What’s up, котенок[5]?” Kitten was his favorite endearment for him, and it was growing on him. Other still made regular appearances, but котенок came out once or twice a day.

“So,” Tony started, suddenly hesitant. The arm was a painful subject for Bucky. Literally painful, given the way it was grafted on to him. Clumsily, he searched for words. He finally just blurted it out. “I want to build you a new arm.”

Bucky’s eyes widened. “You what?”

“Only if you want me to!” Tony said in a rush. “It's just- I know maintenance is sometimes painful and it's tedious and I know that it's heavy and it's a lot of work and I could help with all of that, but only if you want!” He repeated.

Bucky was looking at him with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open.

“Please say something.”

“You’d do that?”

A little hurt, Tony frowned. “Of course I would.”

As if realizing, Bucky hastened to explain. “It just seems like a lot of work, when you could be doing more important things.”

Softening, Tony crossed the room to him. “James Buchanan Barnes. There is nothing more important to me than you.”

Bucky clutched Tony’s hands. “I love you,” he said, suddenly.

Tony blinked.

“I know that emotional things give you hives, but-”

Tony raised one of their clasped hands up with his pointer finger held upright in a ‘hold on a second’ gesture. He processed the words. Bucky loved him. His soulmate loved him. Him.

Maybe fairytales did come true, sometimes.

“I love you, too,” he said hoarsely. “I really do.”

Bucky reeled him in close, and kissed him long and hard. Tony let go of Bucky’s hands to wind his hands around his neck and into Bucky’s hair.

Breaking apart for breath, Bucky peppered Tony’s face with little kisses. “I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I love you so much, Tony.”

Tony pulled him in closer, and just held him in a hug. “I'm so lucky to have you,” he replied. “And I love you too, Bucky.”

[1] cахарок - sugar [2] Лучик - sunbeam/ray of light [3] Дракончик - little dragon [4] Зайчонок - bunny [5] котенок - kitten

[awesimz]

Episode 1: New Beginnings and Bitter Disapointments

Welcome to my brand new Sims 3 Challenge: The Amazon Challenge. Some of you might recognize my username or maybe just my style of legacy storytelling from the Iridescence Legacy, which unfortunately now has so many damn problems (corrupt save file, deleted photos from both online and off) that there’s really no salvaging it anymore. And on my last generation too - I was so convinced I was going to finally finish one, but alas, lol. Anyway, I decided to move from LJ to here because of the BS anti-LGBT TOS they’re implementing, but it was probably a good idea anyway as tumblr seems a bit more popular with the simming community nowadays :)

Anyway, let’s dive right in, shall we? 

Meet our Founder, Xena. Yes, I know Xena was not an Amazon but listen, I am obsessed anyway and besides, she was fucking tall enough to be one, lol. Regardless, our tribe leader Xena has a much different personality anyway, and is a brave and flirty diva who is both a perfectionist and athletic. Her LTW is Perfect Mind, Perfect Body.

Oh yes, and she is also a werewolf, and the tattoo on her back is representative of her royal bloodline and position as the head of the pack tribe. As such, a heiress must also be a werewolf that has the most ‘approved’ traits listed on the challenge. That means someone who might become heiress can also be knocked from their rank by a younger sibling that is more worthy than the previous. 

But moving on, no tribe would be complete without at least one male slave to do all of the dirty work so our Warrior Princess Queen never has to lift a finger to do literally anything, lol.

Xena: Hello, I am interested in speaking to your owner. Is she around?

Thornton: I’m sorry... my what? Xena: Oh, nevermind. I don’t know why I bother to speak to the help anyway, you all end up having a lower IQ than a bloody moth.

Xena: Hello, I am interested in procuring your male servant for the purposes of furthering the betterment of my Amazonian Tribe.  Morgana: You... mean my husband? Xena: If that’s what you kids call slaves now a days, sure.

Morgana: Wait, so you mean to tell me that you would take my annoying husband off my hands and leave me with his immense fortune? Yeah, yeah... I can picture that happening.

Morgana: Yup, actually that sounds absolutely perfect. Have at it, and tell him to not bother saying goodbye because he was nothing more than a sugar daddy anyway. Xena: Lovely. Pleasure doing business with you.

Xena: Alright, Daor, now that I’ve shaved those awful sideburns off your face and put you in an outfit more fit for a slave, I now require you to build me an abode. Get to it! Daor: Wait, what? Daor? My name is-- Xena: I’m sorry, did I stutter? I’ll call you whatever I damn well please, now do what I say before I decide you’re not worth my effort and procure a different slave!

Don’t get too attached to this shit - I end up moving them to a different town eventually since originally I wanted them in isla paradiso but my game was acting weird. I eventually fixed the issue though, but we’ll get to that later.

Since I don’t allow my Tribe Leader to work because honestly, a Queen should never have to work a day in their lives lmao, and since slaves can’t work either, they’re pretty effing poor and I make Daor collect shit on the regular just so they can make a little bit of money, haha.

He seems to enjoy it though. Ah, the simple pleasures in life.

Xena found a friend as well! I decided he is now the tribe’s mascot and named him Guapo, lol.

Daor is working on his gardening skills as well because, again, they are poor as fucking dirt.

He also fishes, but he kinda sucks at it. I mean honestly, how is that tiny thing supposed to feed anyone? Ugh. Men.

Anyway, an Amazonian Tribe isn’t complete without more women, so I sent Xena out to scour the town for their first recruit, who ended up being easily impressed, a natural cook, ambitious, and a daredevil who had commitment issues.

Xena: Hello there, you look utterly helpless and in need of a direction in life. May I interest you in joining my Amazonian tribe? Lesbianism is not required but heavily encouraged - just not with me because let’s face it, I’m way out of your league right now it’s not even funny.

Random Woman: Oh wow, I’m super flattered; I’ve never been a lesbian before! By the way, my name is– Xena: Why do people keep trying to tell me their names? No, I don’t care. Your name is Euryleia now. Learn to love it, because I don’t have time to listen to incessant whining over tribal names.

Xena: By the way, you’re going to have fix... all of that if you ever plan to move up in rank. We are vain by nature, or maybe I’m just a superficial bitch by nature, but either way. You’re going to have to go get yourself a job though, because we can’t afford your damn gym membership right now.

Euryleia: I will go get a job right away then, Mistress! Xena: Good. I like people who can take direction. Also people who call me mistress. That will be allowed to continue, by the way.

So Euryleia went out and got herself a part time job, as that is all that is allowed at her rank. The money is still shit, but at least it’s better than nothing.

He is literally the worst slave ever, lol.

As punishment for burning the food, I made a starving Daor stand way in the back and watch everyone else eat the food that he finally managed to make halfway decent. 

Xena: You know what would be better than this place? An island.  Euryleia: I agr-- Xena: I’m sorry, did I say I was asking for opinions? I’m just musing right now, so eat your food and stay silent.

I took pity on Daor and let him eat a mushroom, even though he looks like he’s trying to smoke it, haha.

The next day the two Amazons hit the gym so Xena could work on her LTW and  Euryleia could attempt to lose a little bit of weight so she could move up in rank at some point.

Xena: Oh stop whining, it’s not that difficult! Euryleia: But Mistress, my legs are not cooperating!

Who the fuck just leaves their newborn baby on the floor of the gym?

Xena: Actually, that’s not a bad id--

No, that is not how you’re going to get rid of your male children. Hush.

GUYS GUYS IT LOOKS LIKE ARGO! (people who have never seen xena are probably like wtf are you on about but trust me this is awesome, lol)

Xena: So I’ve been thinking about moving somewhere with some sun 24/7. Thoughts?

Euryleia: Oh yes, Mistress, I adore sun!

Xena: Good, cause honestly the thought of having to buy you all outerwear so you can survive the winter didn’t sound like a fun idea to me. We leave in the morning.

Yeah, I put a lot more effort into this lot. I won’t show you the insides of the houses though, as I totally prioritized the outside over the inside right now, lol. Everything is pretty bare and minimal.

Guapo finally got a cage though!

And Daor gets... a tent. Lmao.

Xena: I have to say, Euryleia, I commend you on your progress. You have lost a significant amount of weight and as I am a vain asshole, this is something I care greatly about because I only give a shit about people’s appearances and not who they are on the inside.

Euryleia: Oh thank you, Mistress, I am flattered! Does that mean you might consider me as a potential mate or, better yet, an occasional fuck buddy because commitment is for old people and religious folk? Xena: ...Don’t push it. 

DAOR HOW ARE YOU THIS FUCKING USELESS JFC

At least Xena’s brave enough to put it out.

Xena: That’s right, I’m just your everyday hero. With fantastic guns.

Xena: I am so sick of you! One more misstep and I will drown you in the sacrificial well! Daor: But... we don’t have a sacrificial well. Xena: I. Will. Build. One. Daor: *gulps*

If we could ever afford it, anyway.

Moving on though, another thing that a tribe needs is heirs, and for that we need a disposable piece of man meat.

Xena: You look like you have decent enough genes, how would you feel about a one night stand to get me pregnant with a female heiress for my Amazon tribe that you would have zero commitment in raising?

Harley: No strings attached sex? I’m in!

Xena: Good, I like men that are compliant. Meet me at your house in an hour.

Lol this house screams dude bro.

After their rough and tumble in bed, I sent Xena off to hunt as a werewolf because honestly, they’re still poor as hell and need stuff to sell, lol.

She didn’t find anything though, so I decided maybe the scuba skill might help. However somethings weird with my game and I realized that even with a high enough skill she can’t go actual scuba diving as all my community lots just say ‘community lots’ without names for some reason? If anyone knows how to fix it, help would be appreciated. Also some of the unoccupied houses say community lots too. Idk wtf is up but I’m sure its some kind of mod conflict *sigh*

...Appetizing. On the plus side though, a baby is on the horizon!

Euryleia: Oh Mistress, our first tribe daughter, I’m so excited! I’ll start preparing right away for her birth!

Euryleia desperately needs to move up in rank, so I sent her to the library to learn some skills so she could end up being a Provider instead.

Euryleia: Mistress! Since you and I are now friendly and I have enough skills and the personality to become a Provider for this noble tribe, I was wondering if you could promote me? If you do, I’ll be sure to get a career ASAP so we can start making some real money in preparation for the baby!

Xena: ‘Money’ is the magic word, Euryleia. You have my permission.

So Euryleia went downtown and got herself a job in the Culinary Career, since Daor sucks at making food anyway so it’d be good they got someone else to do that chore, lmao.

Xena: Good lord, it feels like my insides are being torn to shreds!

Xena: Wtf? This isn’t what I ordered!

How disappointing, lol. This is Aeolus though, and his traits are easily impressed and excitable. Don’t get too attached.

Xena: Harley? Get the fuck down here, we have a problem. Also bring some tools; I’m going to need you to help my slave build a sacrificial well. 

Euryleia: Mistress, I know you aren’t fond of boys, but maybe we shouldn’t... you know, kill it? It’s still a baby, after all. And Harley still has decent genes, so maybe you should give him another chance? You could still get a beautiful girl out of him and if you don’t...

Xena: If I don’t, then I kill them! Euryleia: I meant maybe you could just banish all of them from the tribe, but I of course will not argue with your judgement, oh divine one.

Xena: That’s right, I am your God. Worship me.

Xena: Alright look, you fucked up. You fucked up royally. BUT you still have decent genes, so I’m going to give you another chance to give me a baby girl.

Xena: Because if you do not, I will drown you in the sacrificial well I will soon have built and all your sons go into slavery. Understood?

Harley: But... what happened to no strings attached? Xena: That was if you managed to give me a girl, which you did not. Now, you are in charge of that disgusting thing inside and will live here as a slave until I bear my next child. If it’s a girl, you and your son go free. If not... well, I already covered that.

Xena: Now, get the fuck inside and impregnate me the proper way before my patience runs out.

Will their next child be a girl, or will Harley’s lifespan be shorter than expected? Stay tuned to find out!

[elmuchodee]

Why falling out of love was the best thing that happened to me...

the title seems a bit ironic but bare w/me as I explain how simple it really was for me. i’ma hopeless romantic when the right person brings it out of me otherwise I'm deemed an “asshole” or “childish”; neither being false lol. ultimately I believe in love way beyond what social media has hyped it up to be now.. I believe in the kind of love that wants for nothing but gives soooo much more than just physical attraction. lol that doesn’t seem likely coming from me and my lack of seriousness(?) but I've always said I'm serious when it’s needed and when I'm “in love” is one of those times. on the outside I'm awkward, goofy and sometimes just extremely shy...on the inside well I'm the same lol except all the words/feelings come out smooth and I don’t fumble like a kid asking their mom for snack money -__-. but as I've grown older through age and through relationships I've become way more comfortable being “awkward” and “introverted” cause those things kind of tie into how I love. it’s a bit unique but also very old school. I grew up w/A LOT of r&b in my family so a lot of my “love influences” stem from that although at the time I never knew I'd be like this but I always felt like love was really special at some point in my life lol. I mean I'm obsessed w/90′s r&b, I listen to Jon B, SWX and Xscape daily and not cause I'm sad lol, it’s everyday music for me. it’s what I love. it also soothes me and puts me in a place where my fairy tale love life exists lol. 

so ultimately I've always known I'd be a hopeless romantic but of course from 17-20(ish) I said I'd NEVER fall in love....lol. of course that was far from true but I was a kid figuring out not only my sexual preference but also figuring out who I was. my lack of emotions/outright feelings caused girls to really doubt if I'm serious bout them, little do they know not many had the luxury (yeah I hyped myself there lol) of being TRULY LOVED by me. at the age of 26 I’ve loved two people but only truly loved one...looking back I would've never saw myself at that point. and when I say “loved” and “truly loved” I mean loved as someone id did a lot for, made me happy and seemingly reciprocated the feelings. now truly loving someone is a bit different...that for me was taking a relationship into real longevity which I never do. I think in the moment, I don’t really picture a future w/people (even tho I say I do lol, but who hasn't once or twice?) cause I was never big staying in long relationships and def not marriage. well the person I truly loved changed my whole perspective on everything I just said...but in a good way that benefits me even now long after we’ve gone our separate ways. basically truly loving someone for me is experiencing a type of love that is unlike any other feeling you’ve ever felt that makes you want to be one w/this other person and do everything possible to create this reality of love for your relationship. I'm sure everyone has a variety of ideals but that’s mine based off my personal experiences...

as it turns out truly loving someone is the greatest/worst feeling one can encounter. I say that cause the initial feeling of reciprocated [genuine] love is unmatched and really overtakes you w/excitement and butterflies. but the worst comes when that love is hard to keep together when things go sour or everything isn’t so rosy anymore...the feeling of losing that love is depressing. again personal experience...I took it SO hard I became a person I never knew existed and honestly never wanna see again cause that me was down and out everyday 24/7 and constantly forced love on someone that didn’t care anymore. it was hard to look at myself as I was breaking down but I had to in order to grow and move outta the slump it had me in. I love love in every way possible. I love seeing people in TRUE love, genuine shit. I despise instagram love or “goals posts”....it boasts that love is perfect and fixated around material things like matching outfits and shoes as a sign of real affection when those things aren’t close to what real love is. I guess that’s why I decided last year I'd do all I could to keep my personal life off any social media once I started dating again simply because the hype of being the new “it couple” becomes so stupid you argue/fight over literally nothing all the time; it’s mind blowing. so that love I can def do w/o any day but the rather of effortless love I really adore. I've always said love is effortless, it should want for nothing but genuine vibes and reciprocation....if it can't give those things at the MINIMUM it’s lust. you’re forcing yourself into someone’s life or you’re forcing a happy that doesn’t exist. for that I'd rather be single and happy. but while dating someone the less those things are seen the more apparent the love is fading....the hardest part is accepting that. it was for me at least. I knew deep down it wasn’t working but I wanted it to work so bad but didn’t know why. was it because she treated me so great? because she was there whenever I needed her and even when I didn’t? or because she understood my struggles when sometimes I couldn’t? unfortunately the answer was no to all those questions....I was stuck in comfort. I was comfortable dating her but also tired of constantly fighting and arguing w/her over nothing....it was weighing on me mentally, physically and emotionally. the worst thing I did to myself was settle for less when I deserved way more and when I was giving way more. it happens to the best of us I know but at that point I believe in my heart we all know it’s going nowhere but cause of comfort and content we persist on forcing a “fake love” that makes neither person happy, just miserable.

w/that being said I was fairly happy when the love was actually love but when it turned to lust I was depressed, my anxiety skyrocketed and I never felt good enough. I brought myself down a lot to appease or to decrease arguments but to no avail as they would ensue regardless of what I did. I say those things not to pity myself but to highlight how much of pity party I was throwing myself at the time....I was hopeless thinking I'd never love again cause that one didn’t work out. I was hurt of course but I was also borderline bitter cause of the things that happened afterwards. at times I acted less than my age and even got out of character but I can’t apologize for my actions cause they were how I really felt at the time. eventually I would see that instance paved the way for so many better things I couldn’t come close to being mad or upset w/the relationship outcome anymore. you might wonder all this sounds good but what the fuck does have to do w/being happy bout falling out of love? lol well it actually foreshadows how much I began to love myself more but also my ways/flaws/awkward moments. the person I had once envisioned myself marrying, like wearing bands and everything (if you know me you know I don't do rings or marriage for that matter lol), starting a new life w/became just another person to me before the end of 2017. as time passed after our original break in 2015 and somewhat of trying again last spring it was quite apparent that one big thing had changed: me. I wasn't the same Dee... I wasn’t putting up w/the same shit I had before and I wasn’t allowing her to treat me any kind of way. I had actually grown up (a little) and matured in the time we were apart and she had stayed the same really....her mindset/mentality was no different than before it showed in all our conversations. I was moving into a bigger part of my life and jumpstarting a promising career and she was holding on to a time that no longer existed. it’s impossible to date or rekindle anything w/someone that won’t allow themselves to grow and also won’t change their mentality cause they're set in their ways. at that moment it clicked in my head like a lightbulb that she def was not “the one” and def wasn’t the one for me...but I tried again cause I had things I needed to say and to finally get closure. but as time went on and our conversations slowed down I realized there was really nothing else I wanted from her, not even an apology or coming to Jesus moment, I wanted nothing but to be done w/her. that’s when I knew I had reached my limit...I had done all I could w/her and I wasn’t and didn’t wanna continue to go any further w/her. at that point I was comfortable coming to terms w/that and telling her, I had nothing to lose or gain really lol. I was just ready to get back to being the best Dee possible and focusing on myself w/o the extra shit.

so here’s the part you read or skimmed for lol....how could falling out of love possibly be good? well now answering that question is easier than it’s ever been. I fell out of love w/someone who was toxic in more ways than one and also toxic to herself. loving and caring for someone that only sees the negative in every situation is purposely holding on to you to support their negative spree, they need a positive person to feed off. that’s where I was...I was moving forward in life, growing within myself and really working on becoming a better me in good/bad situations. whereas she was stuck in a mentality/mindset that was so frustrating it would bring the calmest person to rage. she was filled w/bitterness, a bit of resentment and just plain mean. I’ve always said people that complain just because and constantly have negative shit to say don’t want to be happy. it’s THEM! they don’t really wanna be happy because they’ll find a reason to discredit why the happiness is occurring then find ways to sabotage it due to overwhelming insecurities. realizing she wasn’t brining me no good vibes I assessed the situation. doing that made hella easy to see that it wasn’t me nor my ways but it was her. it was her mentality, her negativity. her attitude. at that point she was truly poisoning me more than ever. in a lot of ways I'm happier than ever that we didn’t work out and that she was blowing me off....not too many people are selfish enough to show their TRUE colors to the same person twice but she was. She showed me things in myself that could never waiver cause of one person holding you back...she was a victim and I was tired of being the abuser. 

as heartbreaking and deep as it sounds letting go was much easier the second time than the first. the first I was stuck in love and couldn’t find my way out of my feelings, I was hurting myself by constantly replaying my wrongs. the second time was a bit different..we were different people on the exterior but she was the same on the inside. I saw different things in her, I saw uglier ways than I wanted to and ultimately I saw someone that was more selfish than ever. so falling out of love was easier than I would've thought. in a lot of ways she pushed me away and she honestly forced me to see her for who she truly was. love is a blessing and a curse at the same time.  

love is so fuckin amazing man I would never blame love as the reason things didn’t work out. I fell out of love cause it allowed to love myself way more than I ever have. not only that it gave me the freedom and confidence to truly fall in love w/ME. in the midst of all the was going on I was showing love to everybody but myself. investing in self love/self worth is top five greatest things I've done so far. because I started loving myself better than ever it was easier than ever to fall out of love. falling out of love was the best thing that happened to me and I couldn’t be more grateful..