#this is from the first episode so it's not really spoilers

[dextivestudios]

No, no, people don't get it.

Doctor Who (1963) was EXTREMELY feminist for its time, and it apparently had an actual card-carrying communist working on it in the 70s.

Barbara White is amazing and I love her. She was the one with the braincell, and freaking ATE. Meanwhile, Ian was a parody of the "breadwinner manly man don't worry, ladies, I got this!" type. (Spoiler alert: it was the lady who had things handled.)

Like, if Ian was created today, he definitely WOULD follow Andrew Tate and unironically call himself an alpha, only for that to...not be the case. At all.

Alt-right "Whovians" literally look at characters like Ian and the joke just flies over their heads completely.

We are meant to admire Barbara, and we are meant to laugh at Ian.

I should also mention it tended to get very preachy about anti-colonialism.

Classic Doctor Who was far from perfect. Disabled and queer people virtually don't exist, and it's very much a racist show with there being more yellowface than actual Asian actors. (And it takes an embarrassingly long time for them to finally cast a black actor. I noticed a darker complexion for the first time during the FIFTH DOCTOR's run. Which is....YIKES!) And the amount of cultural appropriation/orientalism would be shocking to modern audiences.

I do think more people should watch more Classic Who. It's not as good as nostalgic Classic Who fans claim, and there are episodes far worse than even the Timeless Child incident in the modern show but watching Classic Who does expose you to amazing stories, and it does improve your viewing experience for the modern show. Like, so many jokes and references go over your head if you don't watch the Classic show.

It wasn't even perfect with the feminist aspect and there are plenty of counterpoints where companions, and the writing in general, fell victim to sexism.

And, yes, the bad/offensive episodes should be watched, too. It's a part of Doctor Who history, and even harmful art has value to it. And the fact that it sucked in other aspects does not devalue for many things such as feminism.

My only recommendation is to watch Victoria Waterfield's run in its entirely. You will want to skip her. But trust me on this one. Don't skip an episode. The more you see of her, the funnier her departure will be.

And, honestly, I think the original creators would be proud of what Doctor Who has become, especially in the representation aspects. It is queer and not asking for forgiveness. The TARDIS has wheelchair access now, we have two black Doctors with one of them being a main Doctor, two LGBT Doctors BACK-TO-BACK.

Though that's strictly talking about the characters. I know that Ncuti himself is gay, Jodie has a husband and I don't think she made any public announcements about any labels she may identify with? That's to her discretion and I don't really care that much. All I can say for certain is that she is married to a man, and appears to not mind depicting sapphic women. I won't speculate because that is an asshole thing to do, and this tangent has gone on for long enough already.

All in all, Doctor Who has always been woke. It has a flawed past, and its focuses have shifted overtime. Heck, remember when it was big on anti-guns all the way back at Tenth Doctor?

But, yeah, the problem is that it has a focus on groups that the Nazis are currently actively targeting. Which would be both queer and disabled people, it also doesn't help the cast is heavy on POC at the moment (note: not a bad thing.) and the women characters are currently being respected. But it's primarily the queer characters and disabled characters.

Nazis are not real Whovians, and I'm glad that Doctor Who is making an effort to make them as uncomfortable and unwelcome as possible. Because tolerating Nazis and taking them seriously, like giving our time and energy to them is worth anything, is exactly how they are gaining power in the USA.

Remember: the only nazi who deserves peaceful interactions are dead nazis. And even then, feed their bodies to the dogs, as not even death is redemption for them.

[doruwuwei]

I'm done watching the first two Murderbot (!show) episodes (twice) and here are a few things we got that I loved and some that I didn't love so much. All in good spirits! I was very excited and still am!

(⚠️ SPOILERS AHEAD!!! ⚠️)

- Pin Lee's "For fuck's sake, Ratthi".

- Mensah being level-headed and amazing.

- Ratthi. Just Ratthi being Ratthi.

- Gu Gu???? Omg

- the fact that they managed to keep it mysterious and interesting and exciting even for readers of the books.

- The depiction of the alien remnants.

- The reason why the line SecUnit says to arada in the crater sounded so stiff in the trailer being that it lifted it verbatim from an episode of Sanctuary Moon?!

- Gurathin being reluctantly (not reluctantly) loved

- Arada. Delightful Arada.

- The moment when Baradwaj enters the hopper and the whole scene feels like a horror show just for her to be like "OMG hiii".

- Dr. "I guess I'll close the fucking door" Gurathin.

- SecUnit's veiled not so veiled threats to Gurathin when he was being an absolute asshole.

- Gurathin correcting Arada (twice) when she calls Murderbot "he". He may be an asshole, but he will use your correct pronouns. Also maybe objectification. He is an asshole.

- SecUnit saying "Gurathin" with actual visceral rage.

- They painted the habitat AND PUT RUGS ON THE FLOR.

- RATTHI MAKES HIS OWN JEWELLERY

- THE SKY HAS COLOURS

- Arada's little animalist tangent.

- Mensah and Baradwaj bickering about their specialty fields' importance.

- Gurathin being awkward with Mensah.

- SecUnit trying to flee discretely whenever the humans stop looking at or talking to it for 3 seconds.

- SecUnit walking barefoot into the crew area.

- The THEME MUSIC FOR SANCTUARY MOON GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS.

- Us seing Mensah's children and them being all so very different hinting at some kind of different family configuration.

- We get to see the emotional toll this is taking on Mensah much more clearly.

- Ratthi is clearly a hugger.

- WORLD HOPPERS??? First hint at ART!! (Not really, I know. But I'm starved).

- FIRST OH SHIT MOMENT

Things I didn't like so much:

- The amount of time SecUnit is forced to be exposed without its armour or even clothes. Felt unfair. Although I suppose it was meant to make us feel uncomfortable. Just as much as it is.

- The cubicle design.

- No abort commands on the rescue(?)

- I don't know why they made SecUnit stay at the habitat for the recognizance trip. I wanted to see it herding the humans away from hazard markers.

- Ratthi flirting (???) with MB(?) Idk I may have misunderstood this one.

- Gurathin forcing MB to make eye contact. That was so cruel. But I guess it's getting more reasons to at some point tell him "I don't like you". And it will be delightful.

In summary: I'm liking it! I think it has a lot of potential and I'm glad this exists so that more people will know of the books. I'm having fun watching it and it won't change the love I have for the novels.

I just love seeing my favourite people in situations. And FULL COLOUR!

Hope you guys have fun watching and feel free to scream at me about it!

[senzasord]

More spoiler thoughts on the allegory

I want to tread very carefully around this because it is a serious topic, but some of the subtler things are occurring to me about the Palestine-allegory in the episode.

Kid - the person planning the terrorist act is literally named Kid, and is explicitly explained to have been named this because his mother was killed before she could name him. I think how the episode delivered this was kind of clumsy, but I think it was a powerful choice to have this character - driven to extremes because his people have been genocided and then covered up - is Kid. Is a kid. This is a kid. A desperate kid. His actions are not being condoned, but they are put into a very clear context.

Cora's song - again, kind of clumsy (but very powerful scene; I almost cried). I think a surface interpretation of the scene is that it unfortunately kind of implied that the two choices were terrorism or benign appeal. BUT what I think it was /trying/ to say was this group of people need allies. It wasn't just that Cora revealed herself and self-advocated in a pretty dress, it was that the hosts undermined the corporation that was funding their spectacle by giving her screen time to appeal to 3 trillion people. It wasn't the end of the fight, but the start. And an indictment of the real song contest in our world that would never allow such a thing.

The Doctor torturing Kid - again, treading very cafefully here, but I think this is a second allegory within the episode. The Doctor, a member of a genocided group, taking his rage out on someone who has been disarmed. Not okay. And the narrative doesn't frame it as okay, regardless of what Kid was about to do. And more importantly, the narrative shows us that he needs someone to stop him. His actions are not okay and someone needed to stop him. Again, not perfectly presented, not a perfect allegory - and not meant to be a one-to-one allegory either, obviously. But I saw comments in the tags about how it was uncomfortable watching the doctor torture someone like that and - yes, it was. Because it was supposed to be.

I said in my other post that the episode was trying to be obvious and have plausible deniability at the same time, and I think that's a good thing. That's not the part that had issues. Because if it was OBVIOUS obvious, then you get things like Kill the Moon, and Kerblam!, and whatever that weird episode with Bill and the weird consent aliens were. If it was so on the nose as to be like these episodes, it would fail. You want the allegory to be imperfect, because in the gap is where you get the critique of the real world. Why does Rylan let Cora sing? Because the real Eurovision would never. Why does Belinda stop the Doctor? Because no one has stopped Israel. It just means in those gaps too, it's going to be clumsy, and that's where we can critique the episode too.

I hope this was respectful. Again, it's a very serious topic, and I wanted to approach it with that in mind. But I think my interpretations of these plot points are supported by the text, and therefore add to the point it's trying to make.

There's so much more in this episode to expand on too - we haven't even talked about the honey poppy thing, or the banning of Hellions from competing, or so many other little indictments of the Song Contest that mirror or reference the real world one. But those were the three things that have really jumped out at me that I haven't seen anyone really discuss, and I wanted to float the idea that maybe these things were on purpose, and that maybe in them we find a stronger thesis for the episode that what we see at first glance.

[murderbot-moodboard]

Okay, first thoughts on Murderbot (below the cut for light spoilers):

- I like that the show is emphasizing some of the things that are easy to forget as a fan who's read the whole series multiple times. Murderbot is a killing machine. It does consider killing everyone a legitimate option. It is not a human, it's a corporate product who's been forced to take a very pragmatic view of life due to its harsh experiences. All of this is good soup.

- Skarsgård as Murderbot is endearingly awkward and I'm really loving his performance!

- All the PresAux characters seem to fit pretty well with their book characterizations, and the small changes/additions only enhance their characters imo. I love them all and am gobbling up their added lore like Hostile One tried to gobble Bharadwaj (too soon?).

- Something that was never spelled out in the books but has been discussed by book fans is that Gurathin is kind of a human counterpart to Murderbot, and most of the things Murderbot dislikes about him are traits Murderbot itself has to some degree. The show seems to me to be deliberately playing up this theme, such as by having Murderbot and Gurathin react with similar disgust to Arada's comment about Murderbot's face, and showing Gurathin getting uncomfortable watching the visual of the throuple making out. I think this is a great choice and am really looking forward to seeing how their dynamic develops from here.

- Also, Gurathin is definitely acting more clearly like an asshole than in ASR, and that choice not only makes his character and the overall interpersonal dynamics more interesting, but it gives Murderbot a chance to make all sorts of snarky comments in its head which are very funny.

- Interestingly though, Gurathin is the one insisting on it/its pronouns for Murderbot early on, which could look like him being antagonistic but I suspect might be shown to fit Murderbot's preference later on. Also he is now show-canonically from the Corporation Rim, which is something that was sort of maybe implied but never actually confirmed in the books, despite its being the more popular fanon interpretation. (Fwiw I think it's the more interesting choice so it's nice to have confirmed.)

- Giving Mensah panic attacks seems like a good strategy for reflecting her inner fears and sense of responsibility in a way that translates better to TV.

- I laughed out loud at Pin-Lee's snark at the corporates, and I'm really interested in the way they're being fleshed out as a character who is aggressive but with a softer side, to paraphrase something Sabrina Wu said.

- Arada seems pretty similar to book characterization, and I love that we get to see her getting defensive of animals.

- Bharadwaj is more clearly going through it and her character seems more involved in the general events than at this point in the book, which are good choices.

- Ratthi seems pretty similar to the book so far, just with more details added which all seem consistent. We also got the iconic line "For fuck's sake, Ratthi!" lol.

- From Murderbot's early comments and what it sees of Pin-Lee's reactions, it's clear that the throuple is probably not going to be all smooth sailing, but any issues will likely be due to lack of clear communication about each person's feelings and preferences, so it's also theoretically solvable.

- The only thing that bothered me during the episodes was the parts where the audio was different or differently placed than what was in the trailers. But the changes between the first and second trailer (iirc) had already clued me in that they were being a bit flexible with the audio, so I wasn't as surprised as I would've been, I guess. Personally, since I tried not to have too many expectations outside of what was confirmed in the trailers and previews, it annoyed me that even those expectations weren't 100% reliable, but that's mostly an autism problem and I know I'll get over it.

- Other than the trailer thing I have zero complaints about the show so far! It seems to maintain the spirit of the books and their characters even in the parts that are added or changed, and I'm really, really looking forward to seeing the rest!

[somethingponysomething]

What if Fangs of Fortune was an RPG game?

No, not really, but.. yeah, really.

Contains spoilers, I guess

The first two episodes are setting the stage and gathering the party.

It all starts when a battle mage (race: demon) gets a quest to save the wilderness. He’s good with spells and umbrellas.

He needs a party and decides to look for a tank, first. To get the one he wants (from a demon hunting organization, no less), he needs to provoke him. Theatrically, because that’s his style.

He somehow manages to convince the tank. (race: human, later eligible for demon upgrade/downgrade, depending on your POV)

The battle mage/demon also really wants a bard and set his mind on a particular one. Never mind that she currently doesn’t possess a (magical) instrument. At least she has a sharp, pointy knife that doesn’t kill, but hurts a lot anyway. And her charisma is high enough to let her lie decoratively on the ground if she can’t be otherwise useful in a fight. (race: human, when she finds her instrument, she gets the title ‘goddess’, but that’s mostly ceremonial)

The team could still use some ranged DPS. They find a fierce one. A bit of a ranger with a twist. Instead of an animal companion, she gets a didi, who appears randomly, but often when he’s most needed. (race: human)

But what is a good party without a healer? Exactly, nothing. They get one recommended. He’s young, but a bit of a prodigy. He can also treat both humans and demons, which may come in handy. He’s also afraid of blood. And corpses. Oh, and demons, too. (race: human, or so everyone – including himself – assumes, until his personal background quest develops, and it turns out he’s half human, quarter god and the rest demon)

Later on, the group encounters an additional member, who doesn’t get chosen as often. Cooks are not a favourite class, after all. Although he skilfully wields his knife in battle as well as in the kitchen. He also knows a spell or two and somehow adds to group morale. (race: half mountain god, half demon, all adorkable)

Together they set out on big, small and personal quests. They fight a fish, a plague, a puppet master (who is a demon and a puppet), a tree boss (who at the very last moment changes his mind and joins them) and finally a guy who hates demons so much, he decided to become one.

Yep. That's about it. Also, yes, this is just a bit of silliness. What can I say? I started watching a new drama and about 10 episodes in, I already miss my FoF gang ♥

[dialecticaldimensions]

no one is more doomed by the narrative than my pals/lomls special agents dana scully & fox mulder!!!!!! 

i just started season 9 and tell me why i couldn’t bring myself to go beyond the first two episodes out of sheer frustration at the writing choices 😭(i will try again to continue at a later date)

season 8 had its flaws but at the very least gave us a somewhat decent through line and importantly a solid ending for mulder and scully, and their love, faith and strength in each other. 

And while i haven’t watched anything beyond s9 e1&2, i did not save myself from spoilers, so i do know what is coming – and still i was so put off by just these two episodes because it did not make sense to me!!! (so lord knows how i will feel trying to get through the rest of the season … and the second movie … and the revival mytharc additions …)

in what world would scully be the one to push mulder to leave!!! after just getting him back!!! and mulder would fully have put up a fight about staying and protecting both scully and william if there was still a threat (which i was also just like ??? what was happening in the s8 finale then, but i digress). 

scully, who says she has the strength of mulder’s beliefs, who asks for forgiveness because she cannot be with him on this journey anymore when she thought a life threatening illness would take her, who does not trust anyone else to care for him, to look out for his needs, to save him from himself the way that she does, would not have just let mulder leave like that, on the word of kersh saying that ppl are out to kill him (people are always out to kill mulder tho, why was this different?!). 

and mulder, knowing what he knows, knowing that both scully and william are at risk would not walk away like that, especially because there is no indication that him not being there somehow eliminates the threats that scully and william face? Mulder who would break into government facilities (any facility actually), who would threaten every last man in his path if it means keeping scully safe, who would literally go to the ends of the earth for scully and who JUST got his family, would not just up and leave like that. And definitely would not leave the figuring things out to just scully, esp when she is also concerned about william and his capabilities. 

in sheer frustration i went back to some of my favourite episodes in the earlier seasons and that was both soothing and also mind blowing because it really puts into perspective the growth, trauma and healing that both mulder and scully go through to get to the end of season 8. So to start off the ninth season with what i think is pretty poor writing and not very good storytelling was just sooooo 🥲 i get that dd had to leave, i get that there needed to be more focus on doggett and reyes, but the way that happened was sooo not it!! (how did y’all survive the original run omg! in all honestly idk if i could’ve continued back then, not having hindsight).

@randomfoggytiger has a great post on what was going on in the writer’s rooms/bts around s7, s8 and s9 – which was a great read for me post watching these s9 episodes, bc it validated some of my frustrations. 

It clearly seems like the team was focused more on telling certain stories, without really thinking about how the story would be told with the characters that they currently have. So it felt like mulder/scully (and from what I’ve heard other characters too) are regressing into behaviours/choices simply because it’s convenient for the story -- which is not good writing imo!!

Personally, I find it interesting that the focus was on what stories can we tell to keep people interested, instead of how can we preserve the legacy/joy/comfort in these beloved character journeys with the new stories we want to tell. 

And because of that so many awfullllll things happened!!!! Mulder and Scully were forced into situations only by the narrative, not by their character arcs, and what a shame that it was that way!! 

Anyway, i still love m/s with my whole heart and will continue to grind my way through the rest of the show, albeit very very very slowly. So grateful for the very active x files community (again speaks volumes to the fact that it's the characters that shaped the show/stories) so that i can drown myself in fanfic and gif sets and artwork and meta!!!! 👽🛸

[damn-stark]

Chapter 12 Into the woods

Chapter 12 of Tragedy at the Miller’s

A/N- okay but I kinda really love how this chapter turned out.

Warning- fluff?, ANGST, talks of violence and death, talks of suicide attempt , spoilers for season 2, Remember this is a rewrite not an AU, so the major stuff that happens in the show will happen here :)

Pairing- Joel Miller x daughter!reader (platonic of course :), OC x Fem!reader

Episode- 2x03-2x04, used scenes from the game too

(If you want to be tagged let me know!)

————

“We went to make them pay. Sorry we had to do this the hard way, but you didn’t leave us no other choice. We asked and you turned us down. Now you have to trust that we will come back.

-Dina and Ellie”

“It was stuck to her door?” You ask as you lift the note and show it off to Jesse, who has read it over and over again as if that would bring them both back, or make it any less surprising. It didn’t.

“Yes,” Jesse answers hesitantly as he looks at you with pity and concern, and then flickers his eyes to Apollo with shame. “I’m sorry I came here so early. I really am. I just,” he pauses and focuses on Apollo as if ready to hear his friend get mad at him for involving you, but Jesse shouldn’t worry about Apollo. It’s your Uncle Tommy he should worry about. He seems more bothered by the fact that Jesse chose to come to you instead of just privately going to him. After all, you just barely started talking and getting out of the house; this could mortify you more.

“I thought you needed to know,” Jesse explains his reasoning, but doesn’t make it sound any better to your Uncle. If he had the chance to lie to you about this, he would’ve chosen that because as he looks over at you, he sees you set the note down and drop your face in your palms to try and gather your racing thoughts that don't leave you groggy. You’re left wide awake after reading Ellie’s note—or should you say Dina’s note, there’s no way Ellie would have written so much down. She would’ve made it short and straight to the point.

“I mean, I know they’re both reckless, but to do this? This is something completely beyond reckless and stupid.” Jesse adds, as you start rubbing your temple and revisit what Ellie said, because she’s right, you’re late. Too weak. You knew she was up to something stupid, and you didn’t stop her. You’re too late.

“What do we do with this now?” Jesse keeps filling the silence while Apollo is more worried about how you’re going to take this since you’re being quiet.

“Maybe we can still stop them, or,” Jesse pauses and sighs deeply, choosing to stay quiet instead of finishing what he was going to say.

“Or what?” You finally speak and drop one hand off your face, letting it smack against the dinner table.

“Go after them. I mean,” Jesse goes on hesitantly. “Knowing Ellie, we won’t be able to bring her back now, but maybe we can go after her. Save her and Dina from getting killed.”

Going after her was the first thing you thought of because you know, just like Jesse, that trying to bring Ellie back would be impossible. She’s put her mind to a mission, and it’d be hell to try and convince her to come back.

However, among the many other reasons not to go, you share the most important one that you think about the most. “I’d be the last person she would want after her,” you mumble, piquing all three men’s interest.

“We got into an argument yesterday after the meeting,” you share, and avert your gaze by looking at the note again. “I won’t go into detail, but she basically told me that she never wants to see me again.”

Jesse lifts his eyebrow, expecting more since he doesn’t know the depth of your argument or the hurtful things she said, since you don’t want to badmouth her.

“So you’re going to listen to her?” Jesse asks with disbelief, interrupting your uncle before he can speak up.

“I,” you pause and sit up straight before you take a deep breath and meet his gaze. “I don’t know. I mean, she made her choice. Who am I to stop her? I already tried. I told her not to go, that there is no point, but she got mad.” You say with frustration about your own failures, and because even if you understand that Ellie was mad, the things she said still deeply hurt.

It was the same when you were young. You’d try to help, but you’d always get yelled at and hurt. Only this time it hurts so much worse because it makes you want to die.

It's no exaggeration, that’s the truth, because it’s a truth that is tearing away at you as you speak.

“You’re her sister,” Jesse argues without an ounce of hesitation or shame—“isn’t that point enough? Regardless of what she said?”

You stay quiet and glance at Apollo this time as you think about your other reason not to go.

You have a family now. You can’t just abruptly leave for something that doesn’t guarantee you’ll make it back. They don’t deserve that, and you can’t just do that to them. But Jesse is also right…Ellie is your sister. Would your dad stop from going after her even if she said hurtful things to him?

He would go in a heartbeat, so you…should do the same to help the girl you love, but…there’s so many reasons telling you to stay.

“It is point enough,” your uncle finally chimes in for you and looks at you ever so softly as if a look alone could cause you harm. “Of course, Sunny of all people knows that the words our siblings say at the heat of the moment don’t mean anything, but it’s not easy. For either of us. We can’t just grab a backpack and leave the moment we decide to. Maybe you get that, Jesse, or maybe you don’t. Maybe a couple of years down the line, you’ll realize, but either way, we can’t be as bold with our choices as you.”

Jesse drops his head with shame, and your Uncle leans towards you with even more tenderness. “Don’t break your head over what you want to do. I’ll give you…until tomorrow to think about it.” He says and pats the empty space on the table.

You slowly meet his gaze and feel relieved by his suggestion, and feel that pressure to know what to do decreasing. Yet it doesn’t all vanish.

“Will you go?” You ask your Uncle, knowing Jesse wasn’t asking for permission but more so support before he left.

“I,” your uncle pauses and sits back with his eyes flickering away. “…Don’t know. I’ll think about it too,” he says without looking at you once, but you never give that too much thought.

“Can we really risk being two days behind them?” Jesse blurts, causing your Uncle to snap his gaze to him.

“It’s a risk we have to take and can fix if we choose to go,” your uncle mutters before looking over at you and finding your gaze again. “A day, hm?” He repeats and looks between you and Jesse.

“Okay,” You nod stiffly.

Jesse waits a moment to see if you’ll add anything else, but you go quiet, and your Uncle gets up and looks at him before pointing his head at the door.

“I’m going to head out now,” your Uncle announces as Jesse gets up from his seat. “You think about it.”

You nod again, and Jesse interjects. “Again, I’m sorry I came over so abruptly,” he says, making you drift your eyes to watch him.

“We already told you, it’s okay,” Apollo reassures the young man as he gets off of his chair.

“I’ll go find you later,” you assure Jesse and your Uncle, making Jesse nod in comprehension and making your Uncle linger back before he follows Jesse out of the house, making Apollo see them out.

When Apollo comes back to the dining room, he sees you in the same spot, but this time you have the letter in your hand and you’re reading the letter again with a deep sorrow in your eyes.

“What are we plannin’ to do?” Apollo asks now that you’re in the comfort of each other's privacy.

“I…genuinely don’t know,” you confess and drop the letter to look at him. “A part of me is telling me to go. She’s my sister and she’s risking her life in this cruel world, so even if she says that she doesn’t want to see me again, she still needs me.”

“Tommy is right, when we say we don’t want to see our siblings again, we don't mean it,” Apollo tries to comfort your bleeding heart as he sits across from you to be able to take your hands in his. “She’s mad, but she hasn’t forsaken you.”

You look at him, teary-eyed eyed and finally share everything she told you yesterday. “She said she hated me, Apollo. And maybe I deserve to be hated, I lied, but…how will we go back to what we were? How will she forgive me?”

Apollo sighs and, with a pitiful frown, says a hurtful truth. “You won’t ever get back what you had, but you can get past it. You will get past it.”

You let out a shaky breath and drop your head before you wipe the tears off your face, causing him to caress your knuckles and look at you with more pity.

You’re starting to hate all this pity.

“Another part of me is telling me not to go,” you cut in. “Not for any petty reason, but it’s not as easy as before, you know.” You breathe out deeply.

Apollo nods in agreement before he interjects. “Think about it like Tommy said,” he says without the reassurance that he’ll support whatever choice you make because deep down he hopes you won’t go. He’ll understand if you want to, but it’s like you said, it’s not as easy as before.

“I will, hopefully by today, I don’t want to leave Jesse waiting or have the girls get too ahead,” you say, and let that take over your every waking thought. How could you think about anything else with such a heavy and hard choice to make?

You go out to your garden to think, but you don’t come out with your mind made up, so you try to keep busy inside your house, but nothing comes to mind. You then go for a long walk, hoping that will help you, but you keep debating with yourself. The only thing you end up doing is ending up in front of your dad’s abandoned house.

You don’t know what led you there; whether it’s because of instinct, or because deep down you wanted to come visit his house to find an answer, you don’t know. You just know you’re in front of the driveway, hoping once again that you’ll find him on his porch, but…he’s not there. You can’t even be reassured by the fact that Ellie is in the garage because she’s gone too.

The house is alone. Lifeless and abandoned, with only memories of what was haunting the dust-covered halls.

Even so, as depressing as that is, you still step foot past the threshold that once kept you away, and make your way to the front door.

When you reach the door, you lift your hand with the intention to knock, but you remember that no one is inside, so before you can overthink the matter, you grab the doorknob and open the door.

What once was a warm place lively with comfort, now is a sad reminder of who you lost. Now, there’s no father to welcome you inside, and the smell of coffee doesn’t waft in your nose.

Usually, the lights inside the house were hardly on; he didn’t excessively brighten his house like you or Ellie do, but a light was usually on. Now, there’s only a dull light that fills the house because the sun hides under thick clouds.

Even so, you don’t turn to walk away. For the first time since he died, you step foot inside the house and close the door behind you, expecting nothing; no greeting, no head peeking around a corner, and no distant voice telling you where he is, but oh, the house comes alive with memory.

In the living room, you hear snoring as the TV quietly plays, so you follow the noise and on the lazy-boy, you see the memory of your dad asleep with your infant son asleep in his arms.

In the dining room you hear the commotion of faint laughter, metal clinking against plates, and different conversations across the table, and when you walk to the room, you see a warm light brightening the room and your family dining without a worry, almost as if life held no monsters and everything was normal.

You want to relive just one night. You want to have dinner with the whole of your family again and make one more memory, but the kitchen calls you. The memory of coffee brewing in the kitchen lures you over, and here to keep you company is the memory of you and your dad cooking and doing the dishes as you yapped away and he listened to every word.

A part of you wants to stay to be able to relive through those fond memories, but heavy footsteps thump in the hall, growing more distant as they get further away, so before you can get left behind, you follow after those heavy footsteps and end up at the foot of the stairs.

The haunting footsteps continue to echo on the second floor, but you’re in no rush since you get distracted by the photos your dad hung on the wall going up the stairs.

The first and most recent photo you study is a picture of your dad holding Teddy, who is looking away, but still relaxed in your dad's arms. The next photo you see when you go up a couple of stairs is one of you and all of your family gathered around the table. Ellie and your dad didn’t talk by then so they were at opposite ends, but they were still captured in the same photo, making it seem, without context, that they were a strong united front. If only it were true…

Nevertheless, you move up and the next photo keeps you put longer than the other ones because it’s one of you, Apollo, and your Dad on your wedding day. Your dad was in the middle, keeping you and your husband apart because the old man had a hard time accepting that his youngest daughter was all grown up.

It was funny then, but the memory is even funnier now.

Regardless, you reach the second floor and an end table decorates the end of the hall, holding different pictures and trinkets, but most importantly, it holds a happy picture of you, your dad, and Ellie captured on Ellie’s special birthday trip.

It was a long time ago, and it was the first trip you had together after the big adventure that brought you all together. It's a memory that should help you come up with a decision, but the truth is that you only get more upset over who you lost. So you move on instead, clueless as to what you want to do.

The next place you find yourself in is not Ellie’s bare room. You walk past her room and walk directly into your dad's room, feeling your heart crush when you walk into an empty room holding only memories of him. Not him sleeping on the bed, just an empty room and an empty bed holding a single box.

You grow curious about what the box could possibly contain, so you walk to it, feeling tears fall off your chin and get left on the floor as you hastily reach the bed. Once you get to the box, you don’t hesitate to open it, revealing to yourself that it’s his belongings he had on him when he…died.

There isn't a lot in the box, but you still only drive your focus to his broken watch that he refused to part with, not because it was a trusty gadget that told time, no, the old thing is broken. Which should be a reason to have abandoned it a long time ago, but the watch was a reminder of Sarah, and the last thing he ever gifted her. That’s why he kept it with him at all times, because it felt like carrying her with him.

Why would they make him part with it? Why didn’t they bury him with it?

If only you had been there. You would’ve made sure they were buried together, but…you weren’t there. You didn’t say your last goodbye…

…to either of them…now they’re both gone and you’re here, living on without them. Why?

“Why?” You ask yourself as you clutch onto your dad's broken watch before you turn to look at a picture your dad has on his nightstand, one of before the outbreak. A picture of you, Sarah, and him before the world ended, and where you were happy together.

You want to be with them again, more than anything else in this world. That’s what you want, and that desire, the picture, and the memory it brings, finally lets you come up with an answer.

Thus, you tuck the watch in your pocket and leave the house to go find Jesse first, since he’s more eager to leave.

Luckily, it’s not hard to locate him. You find him in the first place you check; his house, but there with him is your Uncle. They were looking over a map together.

“I decided,” you cut in abruptly, skipping past greetings and asking for explanations. “I’m going.”

“Sunny,” your Uncle Tommy finally parts from the table and approaches you, causing Jesse to back away.

You stay where you are and let your Uncle approach you so he can see how your face contorts with betrayal and frustration.

“I said I’m going,” you cut in confidently. “You can fight me or accept my choice. I'd rather you accept it because by the looks of it we’ll only have a hard time if you don’t.”

Your Uncle sighs and drops his head. “I was just looking out for you,” he explains without as much trouble as it would’ve given your dad to explain. “I’m just worried about you. You’re only now gettin’ better and you have Teddy and Apollo, and I—”

“You were selfish,” you cut him off and step towards him to tilt your head down so he can meet your gaze. “You have Benji and Maria, too, so where’s the difference in that? I can do it,” you proclaim. “I will do it because she’s my sister and she needs me.”

Your Uncle lifts his head, and you follow his movements so as not to lose his gaze. “Meet at my house when you’re done here. We leave today,” you say without giving more explanations.

“Are you sure?” Jesse asks for his own sake.

You look at him over your Uncle’s shoulder and nod stiffly before you step away from his front door. “Positive,” you assure him and then pass him a helpful comment. “Pack the necessities you have at your house. I’ll take care of the rest.”

He offers you a comprehensive nod, so you then face your Uncle and press again to not be at odds. “You go. I go. Simple as that. I’m…okay.”

Your Uncle takes a moment to process that, knowing you too well as to accept that right away, but you're as stubborn as your dad when you want to be, so he chooses to trust you now and gives in. “Alright.”

The corner of your lips tugs up faintly before you then leave and return home with your mind made up, but your heart heavy.

“Apollo?” You call out after you close the front door, but you don’t hear a response, so you walk further inside and check the kitchen and the living room, but he’s not there. You proceed to check the rooms, but he’s not in any and Teddy is not inside either.

Could they be out in town? Maybe.

Yet before you can assume that possibility, you check the backyard, and much to your luck, there they are in the wildflower garden along with your dog Hermes.

You almost don’t want to disturb their peace. You could admire them forever, but you don’t want to risk Jesse getting here and telling Apollo the choice you made, so after a couple of lingering minutes, you join your boys and your dog outside, earning happy reactions from the both of them.

“Ma!” Teddy exclaims and tries to walk to you, but you reach him first and swiftly sweep him off the floor with a beaming grin.

“Hey, cowboy,” you greet and kiss his forehead before you pull your head back as he shows you a single flower he picked. “Oh, would you look at that? Is that for me or you?”

Teddy brings the flower back towards him and stares at it for a moment before he accidentally drops it, making him squirm, so you end up putting him down so he can keep doing whatever it was that he was doing along with Hermes, and so you can take a seat next to Apollo on the bench swing.

“I finally made my choice,” you don’t delay the matter a moment longer, making him pick his eyes off Teddy to look at you nervously. “I’m going. Today.”

There’s no talk about a passionate motivation to go help Ellie from mortal danger. He, of course, thinks he knows why you’re going, and it makes your choice hard to swallow. Not because he doesn’t want you to help Ellie, but because it’s not so simple anymore.

“It seems that my Uncle and Jesse weren’t planning to have me go, but I caught them in time,” you share, but don’t catch Apollo by surprise because he had noticed your Uncle’s intentions from the moment the letter was shared—“So we leave today, just my Uncle, Jesse, and me,” you clarify, but get no big reaction from Apollo. He drops his gaze and sighs before he finally lets his thoughts be heard.

“Yeah, I…didn’t plan to be a part of the trip,” he confesses, leaving you more surprised than he was with what you just told him.

“We have Teddy,” he continues, making you look over at your son with guilt. “One of us has to stay with him. Why should we risk his life, or risk him being left…an orphan if Jackson is safe and one parent who can stay with him?”

You gulp as your guilt digs itself deeper, causing more ache.

“I wish I could go, but one of us has to stay with him, and as much as I wish it was you, I know this mission is important to you,” he continues to clarify his decision and turns his head to look at you while you keep watching Teddy as you try to take advantage of the time you have with him before you have to leave.

“That’s the only reason I’m even supporting it,” he says, and finally brings your eyes back to him. “I just,” he pauses and draws out a heavy breath. “Don’t know how many long goodbyes I have left in me.”

As if you had your breath stolen by him, you gasp softly and look at him with disbelief.

“I love you,” he quickly explains as he sees your reaction. “But things are different now. We have a son. A life together and…I don’t think it’s fair to me or him to uproot it for a trip that may or may not bring you back.”

You avert your gaze and clench your hands into fists.

“You know how much it hurts when people leave you behind,” he points out, making your heart skip a beat while also almost changing your mind. But it’s not enough because your dad's death is in the back of your mind like a plague.

“I do know,” you mumble and look back at him with reassurance. “I wouldn’t be leaving either if it wasn’t for Ellie, but…she…needs me,” you finally repeat your reason for leaving. “Whether she wants my help or not. I owe it to him to try.”

Apollo hums, and you take his hands to make one thing clear.

“But I also know I can’t water dead plants. I know my dad would never stop going after her, but I do know when to stop…there'll be no more long goodbyes after this one.” You clarify, making a soft smile tug on his lips.

“Okay,” he whispers before you let his hands go to wrap him in a tight embrace as if you were already saying your goodbyes when it won’t be for another little while.

“You are the best friend and best husband anyone could ask for,” you tell him as you bury your face in the crook of his neck. “I’m so lucky to have met you. I love you…with all of me.” You say against his flesh, making him grin and hold you tightly against him, to the point you find comfort in his steady heartbeat.

“I love you too,” he redirects. “You are loved so so much, so please come back, okay?”

You pick your face off his neck and rest your chin on his shoulder before you whisper back. “Okay.”

With no promise made and your first round of goodbyes shared, you then continue to watch Teddy play outside for a while longer until you have to go inside to get ready.

About halfway into packing the necessities you have in your house, Jesse and your Uncle finally meet up at your house and wait for a little while, but not as long as they assumed.

“You’re both carrying light,” Jesse points out as he sees that your backpack looks as light as your Uncle’s.

“For now,” you leave him more curious.

“Now,” your Uncle interjects. “It’s night now, so it’s the perfect time to get our horses and sneak out so as not to raise questions, okay? So just act normal.” He says without worry and expects you and Jesse to look the same, but Jesse looks lost.

“What about weapons? Are we just going to stroll in the armory and take what we need? Those are locked.” Jesse asks the most important question. “And food?”

You share a knowing look with your Uncle and Apollo before you decide to tell Jesse the secret early. “We have all that a couple of miles out of Jackson.”

Jesse blinks in disbelief, so you explain yourself further.

“Jackson is home. Jackson is safe, but we’ve been around long enough, and early in our years, we knew this man named Bill. He was…what my Daddy called an end-of-the-world prepper, so to make this story short, he warned my dad to always have an escape plan if we found ourselves in communities, especially because he had a daughter. My dad took that to heart, and he did exactly that. An escape plan.” You reveal with a smug smirk. “He hid a cache just outside of Jackson that he let a few of us know about.”

Jesse scoffs, and before he can feel proud over your father's genius plan, he asks one more question that immediately comes to mind. “Ellie left first. I’m pretty sure she emptied that.”

You scoff. “You really think we would let Ellie know?” You remark lightheartedly. “She would have emptied that a long time ago, knowing her, so we didn’t tell her. Weapons, food, flashlights, and everything we need is already there. I'm assuming you have a path mapped out,” you point out with a hint of annoyance, making your Uncle sigh deeply before he has no choice but to agree.

“We do, we just need to go collect our cache. So it begs the question, are you two ready to go?”

Without hesitation or anything holding you back, you nod to give him an answer before you confirm it verbally. “I’m ready.”

Jesse nods in agreement without so much as doubt, but what follows holds you back, so before you can leave, you turn to Apollo, but not with sorrow and uncertainty to leave. You look at him softly and completely enamored. “I love you. Always.”

He smiles back at you tenderly and without caring that you have company so close by; he smacks his lips on yours and steals a kiss.

Knowing this kiss will be your last, you capture his jaw to press him closer and spark a passion that makes you move ravenously. You almost don't have the heart or will to break away, but you taste a salty tear mix in your passion, so you pull away, but keep him close to take note of every feature on his face.

“I’ll be here. Waiting,” he says, pulling more tears out of your eyes. “My love. My world. My light.”

You smile at him tenderly and have to steal one last kiss.

Before you can part to give your son your goodbyes, you reach inside your shirt and pull out his old Firefly pendant to assure him. “I’ll have you close. Always.”

He scoffs softly and looks away shyly, letting you then move away to find your son in the living room playing on the floor with his toys.

“Take care of each other,” you hear Apollo tell Jesse while you go on your knees to grab your son's attention.

“Teddy, I’m going to be leaving now, okay?” You tell your son who is cluelessly gripping onto his toys. “You’re gonna be stayin’ with your Daddy, so you be good to him, okay?”

The baby blabbers and offers you his toy giraffe, so you take it and press it against your chest. “I’ll keep you close, okay?”

Teddy asks for his toy back, so you give it back with a giggle and then lean in to hug him tightly, causing him to laugh in response.

“I love you, my Theo,” you whisper. “Don’t forget me.”

Teddy stays in your embrace until you let go, and before you can completely part from him, you face him one last time and then force yourself away to make your way to the front door with Jesse and your Uncle trailing after you, and Apollo trailing after them.

Once you reach the door, you give Apollo one last embrace because if he went to see you off at the gate, people would grow suspicious, so he sees you to the door instead.

“Ready?” Your Uncle asks one last time as you face your traveling partners.

“Ready,” you and Jesse answer at the same time with confidence and determination

——

*A COUPLE WEEKS LATER*

Thanks to your travel experience, you were able to help with some kinks to your Uncle and Jesse’s initial path to Seattle to avoid as many potential obstacles as possible. It is hard to know if you’ll come across something as small as a camp or as big as a town, but you avoid cities, highways, and freeways and stick to the woods and backroads where people usually don’t settle, and infected are least likely to roam.

Luckily, it’s just three of you, so you’re least likely to catch anyone’s attention. You don’t have a dog to help you with what you humans can't catch, but you don’t stop to loot anywhere and are never too loud or keep the light on too long. It’s not because you just set up camp to simply eat and sleep; you make conversation, you share stories, and laugh at jokes. You never disagree with one another because Jesse respects the plans of more experienced travelers, and you trust your Uncle, and he trusts you, but there, between both men and you, is a threshold.

Your Uncle sees it, but he doesn’t want to cross it. He gives you space because he thinks that’s the answer, and he likes to think he knows you more than he knows himself, but Jesse is different; he can see what your Uncle is failing to catch. It would be impossible not to, since you're on the road with no one but each other, but instead of getting closer on this trip, there’s always a barrier between them and you, and he can feel it.

Maybe it is because you’ve been on the road with only each other as company, so it’d be hard to miss, but it’s almost so thick that Jesse swears he can almost touch it with the pads of his fingers. It’s where you keep the person you really are and every emotion that riddles that you.

As much as Jesse wants to cross that threshold, though, you never let him cross it. You keep him and your Uncle at the other side and let them see an unusual bliss that feels inorganic.

“I see something brown,” you share, making Jesse search the area around you before he examines the sky to try and find what you spotted, making it the perfect game to keep you and Jesse entertained while also working to search the area for anything suspicious.

“That hawk circling the area over there,” Jesse points out exactly what you had seen.

“Yes,” you praise him with a smile. “A red-tailed hawk, if I remember correctly, right, Uncle Tommy?”

Said man searches the sky until he finds the distant fella and shrugs. “I wouldn’t know anymore. I only made you memorize them so we could get some teaching in while on the road.”

You groan and then look back at Jesse and add on. “Either way, it’s not very good to eat.”

Jesse scoffs with curiosity twinkling in his eyes. “Before or after?” He asks, referring to before Jackson or on your nationwide road trip.

“Before,” you let him know, and turn your eyes away from the sky when the hawk is out of view. “Of course, my Uncle Tommy, here, caught it. I helped…kinda. It moved too much for me, so we didn’t want to risk it then, but I helped locate it after we hunted it down.”

“Pretty much the same thing,” he jokes, making you giggle.

“I’ll say. Okay,” you focus back on the game. “Now you. Go. Last one. Make it hard.”

Jesse hums and his eyes search high up in the tall trees and down low at the horses you ride before looking at every green bush, colored plant, grey rock, and anything else you have yet to cross and that surrounds you until his eyes seem to lock on something.

You try to pinpoint what it is by following his line of gaze and blurting the first thing you see. “Fern!”

Jesse rolls his eyes and turns his attention to you. “No. Not close. Something…you can slip on if you are not careful.”

You press your lips together and search the area he had focused on to try and find what he said with the clue he gave. However, there’s no mud because it hasn't rained. There’s no moss that you can see. You can’t see flat rocks on the ground or any twigs that can get caught under your shoe.

“Bark?” You ask hesitantly.

A faint smirk tugs on his lips before he shakes his head. “No. Listen.”

You strain your ear and catch the call of the same Red-tailed hawk in the distance. You hear different birds chirping, and past that, you hear a rush of water, but you can’t see it.

That can’t be it.

“A river?” You ask with confusion, and as unsure as you are of your response, Jesse actually nods.

“Yeah.”

“Well,” you smack your lips. “That ain’t close. I mean, I can’t see it.”

Your Uncle chuckles from the front of the caravan, and Jesse shakes his head with the smug smile still attached to his face. “Nope, but it’s not I-spy. We just have to find what the other person points out.” He says cockily, so you roll your eyes and sigh deeply.

“Whatever,” you grumble and then nudge your horse to pick up her pace and take the lead to reach the river faster. “We should fill up our bottles and let the horses hydrate,” you share your thoughts with the men who don't question you. After all, you won’t come across another body of water today or tomorrow.

Yet when you reach the river, you find out that it was loud enough to be heard from afar for a reason; the water is running faster, and it's higher than it should be.

“Melting snow and the recent storm?” Jesse asks for reassurance, so you and your Uncle give it to him because that is the only reason the water is so high.

“Yep.” You sigh.

Luckily, a wide tree has fallen over the river, so you will save time and energy by crossing to reach the other side, but how steady is it against the rushing water is the important question.

“We’ll cross one by one,” your Uncle suggests as you keep your eyes on the fallen tree to see if it’ll move.

“But don’t get off your horse. Just keep the pace slow and steady,” your Uncle adds. “Questions?”

You shake your head, and Jesse turns his head to look at him, but doesn’t give any notes. “Yeah. That sounds good. I trust you.”

You draw out a deep breath and nod along. “Me too,” you echo and then look back at the tree before you interject. “Jesse, you go first.”

Your Uncle and Jesse look at you, and they get ready to argue, but you snap your eyes to Jesse and insist. “Go. I’ll go right after you. Just don’t look back. Eyes forward and don’t panic or the horse will panic, hm?”

Jesse finds your insistence to go first annoying because he wants you to get across safely first, just in case something goes wrong, but there’s no point arguing. Thus, before you can waste any more time, Jesse nudges his horse and moves forward.

At first, the horse seems hesitant to climb on the tree because the river is loud and walking on a tree hasn’t been common for them to do, but after some sweet and quiet comforting from Jesse, the horse climbs on and slowly begins to take Jesse across.

You stay behind and don’t dare to move an inch because you don’t want to risk spooking his horse or even moving a pebble on the ground, in case that somehow makes the tree move.

You hold your breath and grow more tense by the second. A part of you wants to rush Jesse so he can get across as soon as possible, but the other part of you is logical and keeps you quiet as you watch every step with laser focus.

No part of you is at ease until finally, Jesse reaches the other side successfully.

“Great job!” You praise and clap for both the horse and him.

“Thank you, now come across,” he urges you without really soaking in the great achievement so as not to risk anything changing in the tree's stability or the rushing water.

Your Uncle takes that under consideration and presses you, too. “You heard him. Go. I’m right behind you. Nice and slow.”

You glance at him and nod in comprehension, but you don’t hesitate or take any of their warnings under consideration. What used to worry you and keep you tense doesn’t affect you now that it’s your turn. You don’t rush across. You take it slow and ease your horse on the tree, but you don’t hold the same anxiety that you noticed in Jesse when he crossed.

You don’t hold a sense of cockiness either. You just don’t care when it comes to you crossing. Maybe that’s what changed when you cross, or maybe it was just the rushing water smacking against the tree. Either way, the movement is small at first, it makes your heart skip a beat, and it makes Jesse and your Uncle move their horses forward.

The second time the tree moves, your horse slips. Yet you don’t react with fear and scream for help when you crash into the water and fall off your horse. You don’t panic when the force of the water shoves you under its angry waves either.

You feel a sense of relief, and when you hit the back of your head against a rock on the river floor, there’s ecstasy that rushes through your blood seconds before it all goes black.

At first, you expect the darkness to be fleeting. You expect to wake up and see the cloudy sky, but when you open your eyes, that ecstasy runs faster when you see your house.

Not your small yellow house in Jackson, no. You’re in front of your house in Austin, Texas. You’re home, and it’s just as you left it before the outbreak. Nothing is overgrown, the windows aren’t broken, and the roof isn’t crumbling. It’s in a perfect state, and you don’t question why it’s so.

You don’t even ask why you’re standing in front of it. You just grin with genuine glee and cut across the lawn. When you reach the door, you hesitate to steady your heartbeat before you open the door and immediately get greeted by everything you once knew.

Everything is the same. Nothing is out of place, not a pillow on the couch, and not a speck of dust. The one difference is that the sun shines through the windows, brightening and warming up the living room. Oh, and there’s a smell. A good smell that awakens your appetite, so you follow it across the living room and into the kitchen, noticing right away that it’s lively past the back door. There’s a long picnic table outside adorned with a simple yet cute white tablecloth, and plates and silverware are set on top of it waiting to be used.

Who did all this? You ask yourself, and slowly walk to the back door to try and see who’s outside.

Yet before you can even reach for the door, someone walks up to the door, someone you spent missing longer than you knew them. Someone you often think about and frequently miss. Someone sweet and beautiful, Sarah.

She’s in a nice sun dress that complements her skin. She dons a small amount of mascara, a pink lip gloss that makes her lips shiny, and when she reaches the door and faces you, she offers you her incredible smile that drives you to her without even thinking about it.

You should have. You should have hesitated opening the door and stepping outside, but you’re too happy and too ready to even hesitate. You just throw your arms around your sister again and hold her close.

“Sarah,” you whisper with a break in your voice as tears fill your eyes. “I missed you,” you add, and feel her hold you back.

“Me too,” she says sweetly, and it’s those words alone that make you feel safe again. Like the world couldn’t hurt you, and you were invincible. You felt like a little girl again back in 2003, and you enjoyed it. You made yourself at home in your sister's embrace in this peaceful afterlife.

“I…I really missed you,” you express yourself again before you pull back and face her sweet and young face, catching your reflection in her light, earthy eyes and seeing your face unchanged. You're just all dolled up in a sundress, just like her.

“I’m still older,” she reminds you, and you don’t deny her.

You laugh and assure her.

“Always,” you say, and then from one moment to another, the sound of a giggle steals your attention. When you look over, tending to the grill is a woman with her back turned to you, so you can’t take note of her face, you just see her hair and the color of her skin, but after that, it’s easy to guess that it’s your mother.

You don’t need to see her face, you know for certain because next to her is your dad.

“Daddy,” you call out with a quiver, and as said man turns to give you his attention, you march over there, but don’t embrace him like you did with Sarah. You face him with your face pampered with tears and immediately try to share your pain.

“Daddy, I’m…it…I’m sorry.” You cry while said man stays quiet, but grabs your shoulders to make you meet his gaze before he wipes away your tears.

“Come sit,” you hear Sarah say from the other end of the table. “The food is ready.”

You hold your dad's gaze, but he quickly looks away to point at an empty seat at the end of the table with a name card you can’t read. Nor do you intend to read right now.

You part from your dad and once again, without hesitation, you follow Sarah and sit at the end of the table next to her. There’s no question about it, and you don’t look back for anyone. You just take your seat and wait, seeing your dad sitting at the other end of the table across from you before the food comes. He then looks at an empty seat next to him and this time you read the name card, ‘Ellie Williams.’.

You gasp and feel a pull. At last, in the bliss, there’s a pull.

Yet you forget all about it when the woman at the grill finally turns and shows you a face you have only seen in pictures; your mother.

She turns with the food in her hands and walks over to you first to serve you.

“Mama,” you whisper happily, earning a sweet smile that makes you want to stay even more so you can keep seeing her smile. You don't want to leave. You want to stay here with her, Sarah, and your dad. It’s a choice, and you want to take it. You’re ready. It’s why you came on this trip, to reunite with them. It wasn’t Ellie who brought you on this trip; it was the need to be with your family, and you’re finally with them. Now, every muscle in your body is telling you not to look back.

Albeit as your mother walks away, you follow her with your eyes and in doing so, you catch the other empty chairs with name cards of their own.

Next to you on your left is ‘Theo Holloway.’ Next to him and in the middle is ‘Apollo Holloway’, and of course, next to him is Ellie.

Their seats are empty, and they will be empty for a while.

That thought makes you feel that pull stronger than before, but you’re still hesitant because of Sarah and your mother. You want to stay with them and him too, but when you look at him, without saying it, he’s urging you to go back.

“Please,” he finally speaks with tears welling in his eyes.

“But,” you try to argue, but stop to look at the empty seats again. “What good am I there?” You ask and look at him again. “I couldn’t save you. You’re dead because of me, and I…couldn't handle the weight of it. It was crushing me. I feel…weightless here. Happy. Please let me stay. I want to stay.”

You will. It’s your choice and you’re making it…

But there’s also Ellie…if you can’t handle the weight, how is she fairing? Dina was there when your dad died, but she can’t possibly feel the same crushing weight or the same heartache that never stops hurting. Only you and Ellie know that feeling, and if you stay…she has no one…

Damn it…

“Daddy,” you say softly, and without saying it he finally smiles at you, making that gesture and his face be the last thing you see before it’s all taken away and you’re in that lodge, seeing him die again for a fleeting second before you’re transported back to life panicked and surrounded by dark rushing water for a moment before you’re yanked out and thrown on the ground where you cough out water and try to draw in the air that will keep you alive.

“Oh, thank god!” Jesse gasps while your uncle grabs your arm to sit you up to pat your back to help you get all the water out.

Once you’ve gathered your breath and stopped with your coughing fit, your uncle throws his arms around you, feeling all the weight of the world rise off his shoulders as he sees that you’re okay now.

“Thank god,” he whispers. “I thought I lost ya there for a second.”

You rest your chin on his shoulder and look anything but relieved.

That feeling will pass, but right now you’re more disappointed than grateful because you got taken away from everything you wanted. Peace, bliss, and your home.

Still, your uncle doesn’t notice that, but Jesse does. He just doesn’t say anything on the matter and instead watches you look ahead blankly whilst you relish in your Uncle's embrace.

“You might have a concussion, so let’s call today a day. There seems to be a town nearby. We can find some to hold up there,” your uncle suggests as he pulls away from the embrace to very swiftly walk around you to check on your head as if rehearsed, or fallen back to old habits from your early years traveling together.

“It’s abandoned,” you input, and let your Uncle check on you, realizing that at that moment, your horse is alive, just soaked and unharmed. You got the worst of the fall. “At least the last time I passed it was. I didn’t even encounter any infected.”

“But it doesn’t mean there isn’t any,” Jesse interjects, making your uncle agree.

“That’s true. What’s the last place you stayed at, Sunny?” Your Uncle asks as he moves away to grab the blanket off his horse to wrap it around you.

“No,” you shake your head. “We didn’t stay. We passed by, but I did see a bank. A pretty big one. It could have a vault.”

Your uncle stays quiet for a moment before he nods. “Okay. We’ll check it out. Come on, let’s get you out of those wet clothes so we can go. You don’t have any cuts or anything concerning, but we’ll just have you stay out of any action for a while.”

“Okay,” you agree without a fight and follow him to borrow some clothes since everything you own, even your horse, is soaked.

Once you get yourself situated, you get back on the road and don’t take long to come across the town you talked about, finding it empty of any people and infected. Or at least, the infected aren’t roaming the streets. If people were here, it’d be obvious, instead, it’s a ghost town, and that raises the hairs on the back of your neck rather than making you feel relaxed.

It's a good thing you stick to the bank and don’t take time to explore a thing, who knows what monsters lurk in the shadows.

“The horses look like they fit through the rubble,” your uncle Tommy lets you and Jesse know before he walks out to grab his horse's reins and leads her inside.

You don’t doubt your Uncle, so you follow behind him with your horse, and then Jesse trails after you.

When you’re inside and making your way further inside the bank, you can’t help but be taken aback just a little by the state of the entrance of the bank. It’s one of the few things you like about this new world; man-made things slowly being taken over by Mother Earth. It can be a breathtaking sight, and the entrance of the bank is one of those sights.

The entrance is collapsed in it on itself, letting in only sparse beams of light inside through broken windows and cracks on the cement, leaving it pretty dim, but it’s the right amount of light to let you see how moss and greenery have slowly claimed the destruction, and the way the puddled rain water glimmers on the ground.

“It’d suck to make it this far in our trip and get killed by debris,” Jesse comments as he follows you, and you follow your Uncle through the maze that debris made.

“Don’t worry.” Your Uncle chuckles. “It’s probably been like this for years. It ain't collapsin’ today…maybe.”

You muster a smile, and Jesse feigns a laugh at your Uncle’s very reassuring comment.

“I see a way inside just over there,” your Uncle points out, but you don’t catch what he does right away. You have to walk in just a little further to see the gap he pointed out, and once you do, you and Jesse go completely serious again.

However, before you can walk through the gap to see what the inside holds, your uncle brings you all to a stop to listen first.

You don’t hear anything right away, so your Uncle grabs a pebble and throws it inside, causing two growls to respond, and letting you see a picture of what you could find inside. Albeit it’s blurry since you can’t be sure if it’s just two infected until you’re inside.

“Okay, Jesse, you’ll go in with me and help me take out the infected. Sunny,” he whispers directly at you before you can argue. “You stay here until I come back to give you all the clear, okay?” He presses, and you part your lips to argue, but he cuts in right away.

“I wasn’t askin’ for your opinion. I just wanted to know if you caught all that.”

You huff and challenge his gaze for a second before you nod stiffly.

“Good. Now keep your eyes and ears open,” he reminds you before he turns away and leads the way again. You don’t cross that threshold, but you walk to the edge and peek out, catching a glimpse of Jesse and your Uncle before you hear the nerve-wracking sound of clickers, giving the answer as to what kind of infected the men will be facing, and making you think about disobeying your Uncle.

You believe that both men will be able to handle the clickers, but it doesn't take away from the fact that you’ll be a big advantage.

Yet, you don’t jump down to the ground floor to join them. You stay put and watch them creep away and get out of sight to try and catch the clickers off guard to make as little fuss as possible.

You try to strain your ear, but you can hear the clicking sound of clickers, which is a good thing. It means their plan to sneak up on them is working.

However, it’s because it’s quiet and you’re trying to be even quieter that you hear the sound of rubble falling in the water. At first, you think nothing of it. It must be natural because of the state of this place, but you hear it again, and followed by that is the sound of bare flesh hitting the cement.

It can’t be your horses because you left them near the entrance, plus their hoofs wouldn’t sound like that. It’s…some kind of infected, and basing it off how quiet it is, you’re assuming it’s a Stalker.

You can only be sure if you look, so you slowly reach for your revolver before you very slowly start to churn your head.

Just as you catch a glimpse of its ugly face and prove that it’s in fact a Stalker, suddenly the monster lunges at you, causing you to scream, and since you’re on the ledge, you lose balance and fall inside the bank with your back slamming on the ground and the infected landing on top of you.

The noise of the altercation alerts the clickers, making Jesse and your Uncle have to resort to charging at them instead. All while you try with all your might to hold the Stalker back and keep it from biting you, and honestly, finding a way to get it off you is quite easy. You can do it, but you choose to struggle. You see the potential in letting it take a nip of your flesh and choose to struggle.

And oh, the thought of having no choice but to accept death's comforting embrace is tempting because it means that you would be able to be there again. The peaceful afterlife you left. There would be no choice around it, you would be there again with Sarah, your mom, and most importantly, your dad.

You’d get to apologize for not trying harder this time. You’d remind him that you love him and that no place could ever be home if he wasn’t with you. Most importantly, you’d be able to feel like you aren’t getting choked and crushed by the incredible weight pressing down on you.

You’d be weightless and pain-free…

Yet just as you start to picture that perfect afterlife, the image of Ellie’s empty chair flashes in your mind, and your mind is bombarded with the thought of her.

Guilt and the reminder of why you chose to live in the first place seeps right back inside, and you gain the will and the might to shove the Stalker off of you.

Before it can come charging at you or go hide, you drag yourself to your ass and hit the trigger of your gun not just once, but three times until you make sure it won’t even twitch.

After that, once the Stalker is dead, you look for your Uncle and Jesse, catching your Uncle hitting his armored Clicker with the end of his rifle over and over again. It’s already dead, but he keeps hitting it with so much force that its head gets crushed into smithereens.

Jesse, on the other hand, seemed to have shot his clicker and left it alone once it was lifeless, so you catch him walking over to you now.

“Is it clear?” You ask as he walks over.

“The commotion would have made any others come out so, it seems like it, yeah,” he assures you, and the moment he reaches you, he offers you his hand like a nice gentleman, so you accept his help and get up on your feet with some struggle.

There’s no sharp pain. Just aches from all the falling today.

Nevertheless, your uncle seems to snap out of whatever spell had him obliterating that Clicker, the moment he catches a glimpse of you standing on your given height.

At first, he calls out your name as his contorted face comes undone and expresses pure concern. After that, he rushes over to you. “Are you okay?” He asks as he studies you. “You weren’t bit were you?”

You meet his dark, worried gaze and feel more guilt hitting you for wanting to leave your Uncle behind when all he does is worry about you.

“No,” you assure him softly, and without thinking, you step forward to wrap him in an embrace that catches him off guard. “I’m okay. Thank you,” you whisper as your eyes get glossy.

“Good,” your Uncle scoffs with confusion mixing with his relief. “I’m glad. Now, why don’t we find the vault to rest? You need it.”

“We all do,” you add and pull back to face both men.

“Come on then,” your uncle says without wasting another minute before leading the way through the now empty bank.

“I wonder why that clicker had armor on,” you fill the silence as you walk past the armored clicker. “Is that how armed the security was at banks?”

“No,” your Uncle answers your curiosity. “There were securities sometimes, but never armed like that. Not unless someone was trying to rob the bank.”

You hum and let a short silence fall as you reach the deposit box area, finding at that moment, an old corpse by an empty duffle bag.

That explains the armored Clicker and the other clicker Jesse took down.

“Oh, would you look at that?” Your Uncle muses as all three of you walk into the room.

“It didn’t seem like it was his lucky day,” Jesse comments as you look at the scene on the floor.

“A lot of people started breaking into banks when the outbreak happened,” your Uncle shares as he walks to the duffle to look through it. “With the whole world erupting into chaos, everyone thought it would be easy to get rich or get stuff otherwise unattainable. I guess nobody thought it would be the end of the world until it was.”

You walk away to look around at all the deposit boxes still locked and hiding riches that will always be hidden away.

“Why would people keep stuff here?” Jesse asks as he also departs from your Uncle to also take a look around.

“Well, this place was protected, so instead of leaving it all vulnerable at home, some people trusted the bank to keep their money or valuables safe.”

“I saw this movie with Apollo once where the bank workers would replace the jewelry with fake jewelry to be able to cash it,” you mention and sigh as you start to miss your husband and your baby.

“Oh yeah,” Jesse chimes in as he snaps his fingers. “I’ve seen that movie before. It was really good.”

You hum and start to drag your feet. “I miss Apollo and Teddy. I wish phones worked,” you grumble and turn as you see nothing worthwhile—“that’s something I miss.”

Your Uncle gets up with a paper in hand and chuckles at you. “You were four before, who would you call?” He teases.

You grab your back straps and start to walk back towards him. “Well, you,” you remind him, making him scoff in amusement. “And I would call…my…dad,” you trail off into a whisper. “That’s all, but hey,” you say louder with a faint smile. “I have people I can call now. That’s why I miss them.”

“We’ll be back home soon,” your Uncle tries to assure you. “Now, thank these stupid bank robbers for leaving the code to the vault,” your uncle shows off. “We’ll be able to stay inside for the night and not have a lookout.”

Jesse claps quietly, and you look over at the corpse. “Thank you,” you direct at if before you follow your uncle to the giant metal door.

You try to help after he unlocks it, but he pushes you away and makes Jesse help open the door.

“And welcome,” your uncle tries to make light of the night. “Take a breath and take the night off from all the worry. We’ll be able to sleep comfortably tonight.”

“Is that so?” Jesse doubts the area, and he has every right to, but your uncle is right.

“Yeah, it is,” you assure him as you walk in first, seeing a skeleton inside. Only this one dons armor, and holds onto a shotgun they seemed to have used to end their misery.

“We would stay in places like this often,” you continue as you grab the armored skeleton and drag it out past the big door so it’s not an eyesore in the room.

“If someone does try to come in, we’ll hear them struggle to open the door,” your Uncle adds. “That will give us time to react. That’s why Joel chose to stay in places like these in the beginning. Sunny was a little girl, so we took extra precautions.”

You don’t comment on the memory or try to recall those old days. You drop the skeleton and walk back inside to wander around, seeing that the deposit boxes are open in this room, so you snoop through them as Jesse and your Uncle gather abandoned money to use for a fire to have light and make the room warm.

“What would the old you from the old world think about you doing this?” Jesse asks your Uncle. “I mean you were all dependent on this, weren’t you?”

“Well, first, I would assume I was insane or crazy rich,” your uncle says. “And second, yes, this was once our livelihood. We didn’t have a lot of it, but…we were happy.”

“I sometimes wonder what my life would’ve looked like if I got to live in the old world,” Jesse keeps filling the silence, making you peer over with an amused smile. “Maybe I would’ve been in construction like you.”

Your uncle scoffs. “Ah, nah. Think bigger. I was lame.”

“You said you were happy,” Jesse counters, making you smirk. “Doesn’t sound bad to me.”

Your uncle goes quiet for a moment, and a match strikes before he offers him a response. “I never appreciated it until after. Until it was all gone. I imagine that was everyone’s life story.”

You turn away from the pair and hear a fire start as you continue to snoop through, noticing a silver ring in one of the open boxes and immediately taking it as you think about Apollo.

“Look at this,” you call for everyone's attention and turn to show the ring off. “You think Apollo will like it?” You ask as you bring the ringer closer, as you see words engraved on it. “His wedding band is good, but I always wanted something better for him. This looks better. Besides, he deserves it for being so understanding of my decision.”

“I think it’ll be nice, Sunny, take it,” your uncle backs up your choice before he also sounds thoughtful. “I should get something for Maria and Benji too.”

You smile at him and assure him. “I’ll keep my eye out for you,” you let him know, and finally recognize that the words engraved on the ring are Latin, but you have no idea what it means.

‘Sic Parvis Magna’

Apollo's dad can probably figure it out. He was a university teacher who taught about Ancient Greece and other ancient stuff.

“Thank you,” your uncle says back. “Now, let's close that door and gather for dinner. We should take advantage of the extra security to get as much sleep as we can before we have to leave. Plus, you,” he points at you. “You need to rest. You’ve been through it today. You need it.”

You hum in agreement and go on to help with what you can, or with what they let you help with. Which is not a lot, they let you take tonight easy because of your concussion and the tumble that left your body aching.

It does feel quite odd letting yourselves be so relaxed though, after weeks on the road having to be on guard and look over your shoulder. So much so that at first you’re all so tense, but after a while, once you’re all reassured that no one is coming in and no infected is lurking outside, you all exhale and let yourselves loose. You share stories, and mostly answer Jesse’s curiosities about the old world because he likes to hear about your Uncle’s past, and no matter how many times you’ve heard it, you never tire of the stories he tells.

There was even a moment when you were all gathered around the fire that you laughed. You genuinely laughed a hearty laugh.

The action felt so foreign yet so…good, like everything that torments you would be temporary and you’d be alright.

Maybe you should’ve hung onto that feeling to try and mend your broken soul, but you remembered why you’re so far from home and the events that caused it, and that small taste of healing vanishes, leaving your world broken again.

Only as you come off this high, you hurt so much worse. As if it happened for the first time. That’s why you can’t sleep, or you choose not to, because you know the nightmares that await you, and Apollo is not here to keep you grounded or make you feel safe.

Staying awake won’t help you feel better about your injuries, but you’d rather spend a sleepless night than have to go through the memories that torment you at night. Besides, it seems like you’re not the only one awake.

In the darkness that swallows the room, you see Jesse getting out of his sleeping bag, so after a while of giving him time to himself, you join him in a corner filled with more stacks of money.

“It’s crazy to me that this paper controlled the world,” he whispers thoughtfully.

“I had a piggy bank once,” you share as you’re on the topic of money again. “I kept my allowance in it. Of course, I wouldn’t get the big bucks like my sister, but I would get dollar bills from my dad, my uncle, or the neighbors.”

Jesse chuckles, and you smile softly.

“Oh yeah, I was really well-liked, but that’s beside the point,” you brush it off and continue with your story. “I was saving up for this beautiful princess tea set. That was all I was saving up for, so when the time came to go buy it, I collected all my money, went to the store, grabbed my princess tea set, and put my money on the counter…guess how much I had.”

Jesse shakes his head before he gives you a response. “More than enough?”

You scoff. “Five dollars. The princess tea set was fifteen.”

“So all that saving up…what was it for?”

You sigh. “Ice cream and candy. I had wasted my money on ice cream and candy. Every time I went to the store or the ice cream truck passed, I used my money. That’s where it all went,” you share with disappointment. “I was devastated.”

“Let me guess,” Jesse adds. “Your dad put in the rest?”

You smile softly right away and nod. “Yeah, he did, and then when we got home, I dressed up my dad and my sister, and we had tea.” You smile wider at the faint memory, but as the darkness once again consumes you, you grow sorrowful.

A silence proceeds to blanket you and Jesse for a moment, letting you both take a seat on the uncomfortable stack of money and focus on nothing and everything the room holds.

“Can I ask you something?” Jesse asks, breaking the silence and drifting your gaze to him.

“Shoot,” you encourage him, making him sigh and welcome a short silence before he lifts his head and turns it to face you.

At first, you can’t make him out in the darkness, but as he lets the silence build, you slowly make out his face, catching a boy-like curiosity. Not one that makes his eyes twinkle, but a curiosity that adds a weight to the conversation, as you know he’s about to be vulnerable.

“How can you put on such a brave face in the face of danger?” He finally asks, making your eyebrows twitch together before you question something.

“You aren’t a coward. I actually admire your bravery and your courage. You're hard to scare, so what do you mean?”

Jesse sighs deeply and averts his gaze to explain himself. “Today, when you fell in the river, you looked anything but scared. And earlier, with that Infected, your face never once showed a glimpse of fear. Are you just used to this world? Or what’s your secret? I’m genuinely curious.”

You falter, and that secret you’ve been keeping from them threatens to come out. “I am scared,” you reveal. “All the time, I just…” You trail off and swallow thickly, feeling your secret press harder to come out as it's just you and him. Your uncle is sleeping, it's just you and Jesse.

Yet it’s the thought that Jesse will know that makes you fight to keep in what you feel.

“I won’t share your secret,” he presses, making your eyes flicker back to him and feel your breath hitch, but that need to keep everything in keeps holding on.

“…I just can’t let it get the best of me,” you continue with what you were saying. “Or it will consume me…” You trail off again and drop your head, hiding that desperate desire to speak your mind.

“I’m sorry,” Jesse cuts in, changing the subject bluntly. “When I went to you about going after Ellie, I pushed. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

You shrug softly. “I needed it. I couldn’t afford letting her get days ahead or even reach Seattle before I made up my mind,” you assure him before you face him and probe. “Why did you come though? Is it to help Dina?”

He scoffs and shakes his head. “No, it’s not just about her,” he shares. “It’s about Ellie, too. I would have gone with them if they had asked. Begrudgingly, but I would have. My friends' problems are my problems.”

You smile in admiration right away as you nod slowly in comprehension. “Nice,” you praise him and avert your gaze again.

As Jesse doesn’t get what he was initially searching for, he boldly crosses that threshold you had kept between you, your uncle, and him.

“What was that hesitation with the infected about?”

You act surprised, but he’s not as patient anymore. He’s persistent and worried.

“I promised my friend Apollo I would look after you, I intend to keep my promise.”

You scoff softly and shake your head, hesitating just a moment longer but finally finding a foothold to slowly tear that wall down. “That day my dad died,” you begin to share slowly. “They caught me off guard, and no matter how hard I tried, how reckless I was, I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t…I couldn’t save him, and now I see it every day as if it happened yesterday. It torments me while I’m awake and in my sleep, and I can’t…it’s,” your voice quivers. “It’s crushing me. That’s why I came…to find an end to my torment because it hurts. It hurts so much.” You cry but immediately cover your mouth to not wake up your uncle.

“It’s selfish, I know,” you say what you assume Jesse is thinking. “But that’s my secret. A desire to die.” You exhale deeply and slide your hands off your face before you keep going as you can’t make yourself stop and need to make it sound better.

“And I found it. My escape. When I fell into that river, I had a choice. I was…home in Texas, and I felt so weightless. Not only that, but I was with…her…my sister, my mom, and…my dad. I was home, and it felt…so good. Every bone and muscle in my body told me to stay,” you whisper. “I felt that need so deeply inside me that for a moment…it was no longer a choice, but then…there was an empty chair with a name card on it. Ellie’s,” you pause and wipe the tears off your cheeks.

“I tried to fight myself, but then I thought of how alone she’ll be, and I know…I know she has you, Dina, and everyone else, but there’s this connection only she and I share. A connection only she and I know because no one loved him like we did and…I thought about how alone she would be if I did slip away, and…that thought brought me back. She did,” you finish saying and keep wiping tears off your face.

“I’m sorry,” Jesse tries to offer some consolation. “And I think you made the right choice. As costly as it seemed.”

You sniffle. “I’m horrible,” you can’t help but spill. “I didn’t even think about my family. I was so ready. It hurt so much to come back because I was with him, but then I wasn’t. I…I,” you can’t finish saying, and drop your head to cry as quietly as possible.

“Just,” you add as you wipe your face and face him again. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? Especially not her. I’ll be good now,” you reassure him. “I’m trying. I am. For her.”

“I won’t,” Jesse whispers as he watches how much you struggle to stop from sobbing.

He had watched you from his seat the entire time because he didn’t know how to help, but now as he sees you crying but also trying to stop, he cups your shoulder before he wraps his arm around your shoulders and pulls you in against him so you can find some comfort in his embrace.

And you do. In your most vulnerable moment, you find comfort in your friend.

——

*SOMETIME LATER. SEATTLE*

“The Evergreen State, home of the Dodgers,” you break the silence as you come across a trail sign that gives two different directions; one that points to Arboretum and the Seattle Trail. You all follow the Seattle Trail, of course.

“No,” your uncle snorts. “Not even close. Mariners.”

“Oh.”

“Los Ángeles was home to the Dodgers.”

You rest your chin on your horse's head and become reminiscent. “Apollo watches old Re-runs of baseball games with his dad and brother. I can never get into them though. It’s the same games over and over again.”

“They could say the same thing about your movies,” your Uncle quips, making you loll your head to the side to look at him with a pointed glare.

“Yeah. I’ll let you have that old man,” you mutter. “Touché.”

You then continue to sigh and glance up at the tall green trees that almost touch the sky. Wyoming doesn’t have trees this tall, you wish there were because they’re so fascinating, but you’re also so terrifying in a sense. They’re like giants.

“I’ll give it to Washington. Their forests are beautiful,” you muse. “They’re so…green…” You trail off and glance at your two trusted companions, catching Jesse not even giving you the time of day, while your uncle rolls his eyes, making you smile faintly before you sit up. At that moment, catching the whiff of something completely foul.

The further you walk, the stronger that smell gets. It even burns your nose, but the smell is not strange. You all know it well and don’t take long to come across the violent scene in the middle of the dirt path.

You are only a few miles in, and you’re already coming across corpses of what were once living humans. Not infected. And it’s not just a couple; just past the thickness of some greenery is a group of them. All slaughtered and all seeming to be donning similar green coats that almost make them go unnoticed if their pale, lifeless face didn’t stand out against the dark dirt.

“Do these look like W.L.F? Could it have been them?” Jesse asks as he studies the violent scene to make sure that neither of the women you knew was amongst them.

“No,” you ease his worry. “These don’t look like W.L.F. They were ordinary clothes and,” you pause and look back at the body of the man you passed with a white painted symbol that was nothing like a wolf. This symbol is like…an eye? Or something astrological?

“…they didn’t have that symbol or use the same coat,” you let Jesse and your Uncle know. “But…these are too many to have been taken down by Dina and Ellie alone. Maybe it was W.L.F. That girl,” you avoid saying her name. “Did hint at Seattle being dangerous. Or something…so maybe this is a glimpse of it.”

Your Uncle hums before you hear him tighten his hands against his reign.

“Whatever it may be,” your uncle comments with his eyes narrowed ahead. “Let’s try not to get caught in the middle of it and hope Dina and Ellie are trying to do the same. Come on, it's better not to stop. Someone could be close.”

You steal one glance at the violent scene, and from what you can tell, they were all taken down by gunshots, and a lot of them died with melee weapons. No firearms.

Maybe they got taken after they died?

Whatever the case, you push away your curiosities and pay even closer attention to the tall trees, just in case there’s people hiding up there like when you were in Kansas.

Luckily, besides critters and birds, there’s nothing else that inhabits the trees, and after crossing a few miles, you find the freeway and thankfully leave the thick of the woods.

You are far more exposed now because you don’t have the cover of the trees, which is the downside, but at least you don’t have to be scared that there's people lurking up there.

Now all you have to worry about is if there’s people lurking around you, or if you’ve been accidentally spotted. So far, everything along the freeway is truly abandoned. There’s no sign of life or Infected, just Mother Earth consuming the manmade cars that were left on the freeway, and the manmade highway itself.

Eventually, you end up at the end of a bridge that either deteriorated or was blown up like the other major cities. Either way, you reach the high point and get the perfect view of the city, wondering instead of admiring what dangers such a beautiful city holds.

Ellie is somewhere inside there. In danger, hiding, close to Abby, or…hurt. You can’t think of the other alternative. It’s too grim and threatens to shove you back into that coma-like state.

“Listen,” your uncle interjects. “When we enter the city. We’ll take our separate ways. Sunny, you and Jesse stick together, and I’ll go off alone,” your uncle brings up without facing you because he knows he’ll see your disbelief and disagreement.

“No,” he blurts before you can cut in. “You cannot come with me,” he makes you shut up. “We’ll cover more ground this way, and I'd prefer it if Jesse didn’t go off alone. So yes, you have to stay with him.”

You huff and pout as you stare off at the nearby city.

“We’ll meet up again in the morning,” he continues and points to a spot on a map you found in an abandoned gas station just before you got into the city.

“What if you end up in danger? How are we supposed to find you then?” You argue either way and snap your head to pierce your glare into him. “The city is fucking huge. It’s better if we stick together! That girl said this place was dangerous!”

“And if we stick together, we won’t even cover a quarter of the city,” your uncle argues and finally faces you. “If we separate, we cover more ground, so I’m not arguin’ with you about it.”

You scowl and look away to grumble your defeated response. “Fine.”

“Take care of each other, and if you find the girls, throw them on your horses or tie them. Whatever it is, just bring them back. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jesse confirms that he understands what you need to do, making your uncle move his horse closer to you to pick on you now.

“We'll meet in the mornin’. I swear.”

You slowly look back at him as you hear his attempt to assure you and keep your frown plastered as you retort. “If not, I will come after ya. I’m not goin’ home without you. Together, remember?” You bring up since it seems appropriate now that you’re traveling on the road like the old days.

“How can I forget?” he says lightheartedly and flashes you a small smile. “Now let’s go. Let’s see each other off.”

Knowing he’s right, but not admitting it, you continue toward the city. Yet the only difference is when you come off the highway, you break apart like the old faded lanes that lead to different streets of what was once a buzzling city.

You and Jesse try to keep quiet as you roam the quiet streets, not because you still don’t have the energy to make conversation. After your heart-to-heart with Jesse, that wall you kept up has slowly come down, and you let your voice be heard more. You’re not just a quiet listener anymore; you join their conversations and tell them stories about everything and anything that comes to mind. Even of the past. Or at least the parts that didn’t stab your heart to recollect. So that’s not why you keep quiet.

You don’t want to draw unwanted attention. You’re already walking through the city on horses, so you don’t want to put yourselves at even more risk by talking.

“We should find somewhere to hide our horses,” you bring up. “We’re gonna stick out regardless, but this way it’ll be somewhat easier to blend in.”

“Yeah,” Jesse sighs as he keeps scanning the area without daring to miss an inch. “That’s smart. One of these buildings shall do it. It’ll help if we keep them close to our way out of the city, just in case we have to make some hasty escape.”

You nod and scan the area until a music store catches your eye.

“There!” You point out. “The windows are covered. Let’s keep ‘em there.”

You nudge your horse to walk faster to reach the store quicker as you feel an inkling of excitement seep through.

Nevertheless, and as expected, the doors are closed.

“I’ll find a way in,” Jesse volunteers. “Stay here.”

Without another choice, you agree and watch him disappear into an alley before you start to look over your shoulders, making sure that you don’t catch anything suspicious, and finding yourself find this silence more terrifying than any monster.

Alas, nothing comes out from any corner or any building. The ghost is clear, and it seems that Jesse comes across the same luck because he opens the doors rather quickly.

“Look at you,” you muse as you hop off your horse to lead yours and Jesse’s inside. “Good job.”

“Team Jackson!” He exclaims and puts his hand up to offer you a high five as you reach the doors.

“Yeah!” You giggle and let the reins go to give him a high five. “Team Jackson!”

“The store is clear and by the looks of it, it has grass growing in so they can eat that while we’re gone,” he says after you return to the horses and continue to lead them inside.

Once he closes the doors behind you and barricades the store again, you let the reins go and let yourself be in complete awe by the store.

“What richness,” you muse as you take in all the different kinds of music that's still left behind. “If only I had infinite space in my backpack. I’d take it all home, oh, and look!” You point out and run over to the folk section to snatch a Joan Baez album off the shelf. “My queen of Folk music, Joan Baez. My uncle said my mama loved her.” You smile at the album but also curse the fact that you can’t play it right now.

“If only we had room. All this music wouldn’t collect dust at Jackson,” Jesse says, thinking more selflessly, whereas all you think about is your collection. “I’m sure…people would love to hear some of that be played at a fall fair?” He asks as he tries to discreetly press you to rethink about your abandoned dream of having a fair at Jackson.

Lately, him and your uncle have been bringing up the idea, but that excitement and dream died with…your dad. You just let both men try to insist because you don’t want to be rude and turn them down. They can still have a fair, you just won’t be a part of it.

“Hm, maybe,” you say without that initial enthusiasm, and put the album down to start walking down the site with your fingers raising the dust off the music people forgot about.

“Let’s head out before we lose more time here,” you bring an end to all the excitement and return a sorrow that was such a constant companion in your group.

Once you collect the things you need and go back outside, the tension lingers until you speak up “Joan Baez has a song called ‘Jesse’. Fun fact.”

Said man glances over at you and probes. “Really?”

You glance at him, too, and nod. “Yep. When we get back home, listen to it. Maybe it’s not your thing, but it’s still cool. You can pretend she’s singing about you, considering your girl might have been stolen.”

He rolls his eyes but doesn’t get hurt or bothered by your comment.

“Maybe you are right,” he mutters. “After this. Maybe I’ll take your advice about officially cutting things off.”

You pat his shoulder. “Yeah, I would like that for you. You’re young, take advantage of that and explore your options. Or don’t. Up to you. Maybe you’ll meet someone here. Won’t that be romantic?” You tease, making him crack a smile.

“I guess I’ll see. Maybe this trip has changed Dina. Maybe we can work things out,” he says, and as to not take sides, you give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Yeah. Maybe. We’ll have to find her to know. Hopefully they’re okay,” you trail off into a whisper.

“I’m sure they will be,” he tries to assure him and you. “They’re smart and work well together.”

You hum in agreement, and as you scan the area as you turn the corner, you think about Ellie and hope with every fiber of your body that she’s okay. You can’t…imagine her not being okay. The thought, it…utterly terrifies you and threatens to send you down that dark cycle again…

That’s why you hang onto Jesse’s attempt at reassuring you as you wander the streets of Seattle, trying to go undetected by the threats that make this city so dangerous.

However, just as you note how calm and quiet it’s all been, Abby’s warning starts to come into fruition as out of hiding, canisters hit the ground.

Jesse and you catch where the canisters land and notice that they’re smoke screens, but no matter how fast you react, you can’t avoid them. They go off, and your ears begin to ring, while your eyes begin to sting because of the thick clouds of smoke, and your lungs get polluted by the same poison, leaving you dazed and desperate to find Jesse.

He was next to you, he can’t be far.

“Jesse?!” You call out between coughs and pull out your gun as you begin to walk in the direction he was just in before the smoke broke you apart.

“Jesse?!”

Seconds later, your name is shouted back, and the smoke begins to clear from the air and your body by the second, so you’re less dazed, but you still can’t see him. Or anything else for that matter. You can only hear different footsteps all around you.

“Jesse!”

“Here,” a stranger speaks up for the man you’re looking for and comes out of the smoke with a mask and gun.

In response, you point yours at your head, but then, from behind you, before you can shoot, something cold and hard hits the back of your head, leading to a void of darkness.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N- some game scenes are you excited??

Tagged- @slut-f0r-u @star-wars-lover @maplecohen @givemylovetoall @itzagothamcitysiren @sammy-13 @beloved-reblogger @emiriia @rues-daya @sunfairyy @littleshadow17 @mcu-starwars @bigtuffswordboy @riaqiax @dheet @queenofthekill @joliettes @d4rno @hardbeingcasual @rana030 @pedropascalluvr41 @ahoyyharrington @beaniebeensbaby201 @maeneedsabreak @maelartasch @adristyles @daughterofthequeen @alastorhazbin @sunsumonner @khaylin27 @hypatia93 @hummusxx @v4mpyk1tten @1donoow @your-shifting-gurl @g4ns3y @izzzzy-the-amazing @aphr0d1teh @lovelyygirl8 @ivy-taylorsversion @mmkkzz @avitute @fuckmebobboys @kitdjarin1 @barnes70stark

[tinyshoopuf]

Murderbot TV thoughts

Okay, I changed out my kitchen sink faucet and let the first 2 episodes percolate in my mind and here are my thoughts (I'll put spoiler type stuff under the cut):

It is a good sci-fi show. I think if you haven't read the books you will really enjoy it. I think if you HAVE read the books you could enjoy it. I will put up front that I went into it skeptical and hoping to like it but expecting it to annoy me.

Murderbot TV is going to be a different story. I believe the themes are all going to still be present, but it's just going to be a different vehicle for it. That's not to say it's a bad adaptation, I think it's done pretty well, but if you are very particular about, well, particulars, you probably aren't going to enjoy the show.

I'll start off by saying I think it's going to be a case of Howl's Moving Castle book vs. movie. There's a popular post on here that says the book is how Sophie tells it and the movie is how Howl tells it, and I think that difference of perspective is at play here. The Murderbot Diaries are solely from Murderbot's perspective, whereas the show is not. We still get internal monologue from Murderbot, but now we are seeing a more objective truth than what we get through the book. Because, remember, Murderbot is an unreliable narrator. It will decide what to tell us and we are getting character actions through its lense and its entire experience with humans is through corporation rim work slavery and dramatizations on the entertainment feed, so its not going to accurately portray events.

Okay, below is where I'm gonna get into specifics.

I think Mensah is one of the biggest ways we're shown this difference. From MB's perspective, Mensah starts out as not an inrepid adventurer, but a scientist and a good leader, then actually is an intrepid adventurer (and good leader). One of my initial annoyances was in showing that Mensah was having panic attacks. This is kind of counter to how MB depicts her in the book, she gets adrenaline spikes, but she's the leader and is able to keep things from showing to her team. In the books, she's only shown to have problems after the events of book 1, but of course that's only after MB gets emotionally attached and actually starts paying attention.

So.

I think, for me at least, it is helpful to view some of these changes as oh, this is no longer through MB's filter and we're seeing everything that happens as-is.

Okay, some other thoughts that aren't really organized are:

I still think it was important that Mensah at least went into the survey having seen MB's face and even though she spoke to the company reps about how she viewed it as enslavement, not seeing its face felt like it doesn't really drive home that it is a person to her yet. One of the reasons in the book she's much quicker to trust MB is because she, at least, has been thinking of it as a person this whole time

I like that they had Arada refer to MB as 'he' after she's seen its face and had Gurathin emphasize the 'it' part, although I wish it had been someone else doing it because Gurathin was being very antagonistic at that moment.

I get that they had budget constraints and wanted to trim down the cast a little so they didn't include Volescu and combined Overse and Pin-Lee, but I'm not sure I like that now Arada and Pin-Lee are married?

There are several, I hesitate to call them changes, but additions/alterations that are used to show the universe to newcomers instead of just having MB tell us everything in a constant running monologue. It's fine.

Listen, I get that they want to drive home the fact that MB does not have the configuration to be a sexbot, but I don't wanna keep seeing it naked, even if it does just look like a ken doll. It was very uncomfortable watching Mensah try to check in on it when it's standing there in the open, completely naked and skin colored, while the not-cubicle works on repairing it.

Not a fan of having MB pick out its name right after deactivating its governor module. The show, in trying to make what happened at the Ganaka Pit installation a mystery, doesn't let the audience know much about what MB knows. It says its memory was wiped and it's got fragments of a memory, but we don't know if it knows it killed a bunch of people (the instigation for it trying to deactivate the governor module in the first place). I guess later episodes might answer that and I know I'm being very critical but. I love the books, okay?

I greatly enjoyed Ratthi. He's so good. I loved how they depicted the PresAux team doing their hippy dippy thing and having the humming circle and Ratthi just humming "Gurathin join in" was hilarious.

I'm not a fan, personally, of being shown Ratthi, Arada, and Pin-Lee having a threesome, but I do admit it was funny that as soon as Gurathin tried to poke around MB's feed Mb was like here's your coworkers having a threesome. That's right, get out of my feed.

I probably missed something, but yeah. I'm gonna keep watching and reserve final judgement for the end. It's a little hard to analyze some of the decisions they made when only 2 episodes are out and we don't have the complete story.

[catelyngrant]

I will admit that, after last week's FEAST, I flew a little too close to the sun* with expectations for this week's double feature. That's on me.

Random and disorganized thoughts/spoilers!

The good:

Okay so first don't get me wrong, Deborah and Ava being The Worst while fighting but then even more obnoxious when not fighting is everything??? Their lunch with Jimmy and that little stairwell scene were just delightful and their honeymoon era is delicious to watch as a viewer/shipper but also I feel like anyone who has to deal with them regularly would not be convicted by any jury for whatever ends they may be driven to.

DJ is always a slam dunk. The "you ruin everything" territory was covered so well during the NA scene last season that it felt like frustrating ground to retread (see below) but I DID love her using the grandma access trump card. She had that speech prepared and I respect it.

Grandma Deborah/Aunt Deborah was so soft in the moments Jean let it be, and I really, really loved both those moments and how carefully she chose them.

DJ telling Ava why she chose her as godmother was so, so, so lovely and a scene I've wanted for a long time.

DJ's belief system is kind of mine too, tbh? And obviously obsessed with her using Catholicism as a D'Jewelry peddling scheme. It's always nice to see her and Deborah bonding through bitchiness, too.

Marcus's hair growing back was maybe the funniest thing in both episodes; that, or Jurassic Park (organ version).

I really, really loved the Mayor Jo storyline! The scene where they talk at her house is really a surprisingly beautiful one, and I appreciated so much how both actresses played it.

Nina is a chaotic nightmare as always and while I want to sleep on the childfree storyline, when she dropped "I'm worried you're not going to have kids" in the kitchen I absolutely lost it.

The not so good:

We get it: everyone wants to be on Hacks! Cameos galore! Alllll the (white) actors! The show is better when it has a core cast and deploys guest starts strategically, and that hasn't been the case this season. Dance Mom was funny and relevant at first; I'm done now (Julianne Nicholson's performance notwithstanding). Seth Rogen is great, and sure, let's stick Kiki in there for a hot second to be window dressing as an afterthought. Marcus's two scenes really only made me remember how much they didn't ever follow through on his complicated relationships with Deborah or Ava. I really, really hope that season five remembers what—apart from the Deborah and Ava of it all—made the show so special and successful to begin with.

That doesn't mean bring Marty back, though. It means get rid of Bob Lipka, please and thank you! As soon as Deborah walked into the house and saw that box, my heart sank.

Backing up: Deborah's scene at the christening didn't ring true. A) her scene with DJ at the NA meeting last season covered the "you ruin every event for me" both beautifully and explicitly, and even if it hadn't, the combination of a) just...why? It felt so forced, but also b) she is a VERY PUBLIC FIGURE right now and well aware of the stakes that come with that! That's a wholeass plot point!

The Jimmy and Kayla of it all...argh. I'm so mixed. On the one hand, I'm so, so ready for Paul Downs to get to play the absolute fucking breakdown that's been years in the making, but on the other hand, I just don't give a fuck about so much of it. It feels like another overplayed hand.

Part of me actually did think it would be kind of funny/tragic/interesting if that dog bite fully kills him? Like...they could do something with that! (They won't, but they could!)

I'm not sure how I feel about the "Deborah's flown too close to the sun" arc? The success is thrilling, we know that, we've seen versions of that montage...it does, though, feel like an interruption of the "Deborah realizes that Late Night is no longer her dream and s5 is all about her and Ava figuring out what their dream is and making it come true" arc that it feels like has been building so steadily and beautifully?

And dear LORD pls do not put her and Ava at odds again, I see Ava's valid suspicion but I need that dealt with and squashed stat. Ideally in a way that involves an "I love you" being dropped bc I have money on that being Said Out Loud by the end of the season.

Seriously, I do not want Bob fucking Lipka to be a thing and I'm very mad that he is, however predictable it was.

I will be rewatching, as always, and I'm sure there's more (especially about the Winnie of it all, which I'm mixed at best on upon first viewing but am marinating on and need to watch again).

[flaminghotjareau]

‼️ S18 SPOILERS ‼️

GUYS GUYS GUYS

my honest reaction during that episode: bxkejxkfbidcjelfjfle

- getting a love scene between tara and rebecca is… huge, the first love scene we’re getting in the show is a lesbian one, this is crazy and such an amazing representation, especially considering they’re both middle aged women

- i love that we’re getting random lighter moments from the team’s private lives

- i’m really loving emily’s attitude this season

- ngl i don’t really understand why every UnSub is suddenly linked to voit but ok i guess

- i find the voit amnesia thing a bit easy…

- jj fearing about bau gate omfg but then she was so cute i love her

- and then will’s death… with the team all waiting at the hospital and jj coming out to say he’s dead really reminded me of s6 and "she never made it off the table"

i’m so excited for next week’s episode, especially i want to see the support jj will be given

[fallloverfic]

Thoughts on the live-action adaptation of The Murderbot Diaries, Episodes 1: FreeCommerce and 2: Eye Contact:

I enjoyed them well enough. I have criticisms but I'm gonna keep watching. It was funny and entertaining. If you haven't read the books and are at all interested in the series based on the show, I would highly recommend reading them (also the first novella, which the show is based on, is super cheap, and as it's a novella, short). They are much better and funnier. Spoilers below for the books and show

From the get-go: after the first teaser was released, I reread All Systems Red in one sitting, and a good chunk of Artificial Condition. Yes, the story is being massively changed, kind of like they disassembled a puzzle, reassembled the pieces in ways that mostly fit but aren't intended, and then painted over a lot of it so it largely looks right, while the paint is dripping. The core plot is there, particularly at least the major plot beats. Although two cast members have been removed and one added (the latter of which will presumably be in a future episode), and a number of character relationships have been modified as a result, the cast is generally the same. So it's not like "this is entirely different" but rewrites have occurred, which changes a lot, even if, at its heart, it is still very much the same narrative. Anyone who is insisting they haven't changed much or it's basically the story, is not being honest and/or has not reread the books in a while. That's not to say all the changes are bad because they are changes, but the changes exist. A lot of how that works out in the end is subjective.

I like the opening animation. I think it's a cute. I have a soft spot for animated toy openings.

It's a choice but also makes sense to make things more chronological, starting with Murderbot disabling its governor module, while also demonstrating just how much humans abuse it and why it would want to do that. I still think the human hitting it and bouncing off of it is very funny. And I like the armor design. A lot of changes were made to better explain things to an audience that works better for live-action television than books. That's fine as a concept. Again, how it ends up working out for an audience is largely subjective.

The problem with me talking about this show is that I never was able to track who was who among the human cast while reading, except for Mensah lol I care most about Murderbot, ART, and Mensah, so that was kind of it on my list. Humans were just Other. Thus, remembering who is who while learning who is who on the show is EXCITING! But I shall do my best.

I'm not the happiest with describing PreservationAux as "hippies". That's not a term I could find in the books anywhere, so this seems to be a show thing. From a writing angle to a new audience angle, I get why someone might have used it, but it makes no sense for Murderbot to use it (hypothetically it might know what a hippie is, but as a narrative framing reference, it's so far beyond the concept of hippies that it seems weird to use it as a descriptor) and the general narrative step away from treating Murderbot's company as Massive Capitalism Evil Metaphor combined with "Murderbot's new clients are hippies" is not really something I'm into. They might just be slow-building it, and it's not like they weren't upfront with "what's happening with Murderbot is a form of slavery" and also "what's happening with Murderbot is generally horrifying and this is a person they could just murder for parts as desired", but... I don't know. There's a vibe to it I'm not thrilled about, and "hippie" combined with the painting and the singing and the dancing and whatnot is just... hmm. The show seems more focused on how weird PreservationAux is rather than Capitalism Evil, and I'm less trusting of that shift, given, you know, Apple.

The contract scene was very weird in the sense that they were trying to very awkwardly infodump during a contract negotiation and as a result it was perhaps one of the oddest contract negotiations I've seen, even incorporating the science fiction elements. But it's fine for what it is, I suppose.

Volescu has seemingly been removed from the story, at least for this season. In the initial rescue sequence, Arada takes his place. Overse was also for some reason deleted from the story. I would be less averse to shrinking the cast for simplicity if I didn't know, from the trailer, that they're going to add a ComfortUnit somewhere, presumably from DeltFall. As someone who's still having trouble recalling who's who - though writing this and watching the show are helping me stick names to faces - shrinking the cast is again not necessarily an issue. But it's a different story.

I was truly not expecting Clark Gregg looking like he just walked off a production of The Wizard of Oz. I know his bit is in the first trailer, but for some reason, I guess because I was distracted by everything else, I didn't process that it was him lol He was funny for all he was not in there long. The Sanctuary Moon bits were, as expected, great. Also loved John Cho, as expected. Great stuff.

I'm still not a fan of how Murderbot is carrying Bharadwaj wrong. It specifically carries her in a bridal carry in the book to keep her alive (or at least that sounds like that's how it's carrying her), and there's a lot we learn about its competence for doing that. Carrying her like a potato sack so her organs and fluids fall everywhere as she bounces on its shoulder indicates a carelessness that just isn't there. Murderbot can be careless, but not like this.

Ratthi's hot. Just gonna say.

Not into how the team is so excited to sexually harass Murderbot from the get-go. From the trailer I'm guessing this is going to be Ratthi's growth from fuckboi to respectful (well slightly less of a fuckboi I guess), but um... Hmm. Also again, maybe part of the whole "hippie" thing? Yes, PreservationAux is proudly queer and full of polyamorous folks who are happy to fuck, but also... hmm.

I really like Mensah. She's great, as always. I also like Bharadwaj. And poor Pin-Lee, trying to support her wife (probably one of the funnier moments in the show was when she sees Arada jump Ratthi and is like "uh, I have to get involved in this somehow" and it's so relatable when writing orgies). Honestly, the whole cast is really great. We were all worried it wouldn't stay queer, given the state of live-action television these days. Yes, it's very queer. That's lovely.

I'm not the biggest fan of focusing on MurderKen. There sure were a lot of shots of that. I get that it's Skarsgard, they're basically obligated to show his nude body at least once cause Hollywood Sexyman, but... mm.

I think it's funny they made me hate Gurathin for largely different reasons than the books make you hate Gurathin lol Like yes, he's a paranoid asshole and a massive dick to Murderbot. In this... he's also extremely weird and asks incredibly bizarre questions (because he's being used to infodump) and Murderbot is... a bit warier than it probably should be of him based on what it knows. Maybe people think he's just Gurathin being Gurathin but he felt weird in a way entirely different from how he is at least in All Systems Red. It still reads as him. Just... different. Maybe if I really shipped Murderbot and Gurathin I'd have enjoyed it more, I don't know. I'm happy for those shippers, though!

I did enjoy the end bit in Episode 2 where Gurathin talks to Mensah. That was nice. The show demonstrates that he's a dick but he truly does care about his companions.

There were a lot of moments that had me genuinely laughing, like Mensah dropping the f-bomb, Mensah and Bharadawaj's chats (especially the one where they're getting prideful about their scientific specializations, very realistic), Gurathin trying to turn a chair that's not on wheels in a way that's not silly, etc. That kept me in a positive mood that still isn't fully pushed aside by the incredibly bad interrogation.

From a visual perspective, I also really liked the "Murderbot turns its head to face Gurathin" moment. It was a little awkward (as Murderbot always is), but it was also fun.

I was however generally more frustrated with how the story made Murderbot seem less competent than it is. Not just the carrying Bharadwaj, but also its detachment from the issue with the maps (it's supposed to be more involved in that), and its not pointing out as much how dangerous the company is. In the book, it's clear Murderbot knows more than the crew, but is keeping quiet out of self-preservation, but because those thoughts aren't being shown somehow, it looks more like Murderbot is following the humans' lead, even if Murderbot is clearly more aware of at least some threats, namely leaving the hub without a SecUnit and how dangerous SecUnits are.

The story is a lot more focused on the humans, and that's understandable and honestly expected, but frustrating. I care a lot more about Murderbot (and the criticism of capitalism), not the human dynamics, no matter how much I understand someone jumping Ratthi's bones.

I hope we get more of Murderbot's obsession with drones and how cool they are. We saw the one, which was nice, but that wasn't even one of Murderbot's drones.

I also appreciated we got its insistence on viewing scenes through cameras rather than its eyes. Murderbot is awkward and has anxiety, and although they don't explain why (that it's part of the unintended side effects of Murderbot's design), I enjoyed seeing how it was all executed on-screen, by and large. Murderbot sitting down in the chair was good.

Also yes, while we've argued over this ever since the announcement was made, I do think it is still a missed opportunity - at best - that the main character is played by a cis white man rather than a queer person of color, particularly someone who's non-binary or agender. I think Skarsgard does fine in the role, like I imagined he might. But they could have done a lot more with it. There's a moment where Gurathin looks at Murderbot and says like, "I just look at you and think there's something wrong" and my thought was "yeah, it's that "white men are dangerous" vibe".

Looking forward to Episode 3!

If you haven't read the books, again, consider checking them out! Kobo sells DRM-free copies, too.

[sapphicscholar]

Hacks 4.07 Thoughts

As always, thoughts below the cut to hide any spoilers!

Centering the episode around questions of faith and ritual on the one hand felt a little tonally odd, but also let the show to do a different kind of character exploration and communicate some things quietly for those in the know. For the non-Catholics, baptism is the first sacrament (a sacrament of initiation), and it represents both a rebirth (the cleansing away of original sin) and an entry into a new community/new structure of familial ties. Obviously those Catholic elements aren’t named explicitly in the episode, and the extent to which they register depends upon the familiarity of viewers with the Catholic tradition, but it was a nice way to quietly mark the watery rebirth of Deborah and Ava’s relationship—itself a cleansing (albeit, less wholly) of the wrongs that have been calcifying between them—as well as a way for the episode to talk about what it means for DJ to want something different for her child. We see her stand up for herself in a major way, and even though it becomes clear that it’s profit not faith that’s driving her (much more in character let’s be honest), I think there is something to what she sees in Aiden’s family. It’s not the Catholicism of it all (I PROMISE YOU THAT lmao), but it is a way of orienting themselves around each other that leaves DJ wanting more and better for her son than what she feels she got. And I think the choice of Ava as a godmother (even tho the Church would absolutely not have allowed it as a spur of the moment thing—you gotta prove you’re a practicing Catholic and all!) was a really lovely moment of growth and maturity from DJ.

As an outsider, DJ knows that there’s this version of her mother that Ava has drawn out from the soft, hopeful places Deborah walled off right around the time DJ would have been forming deep memories, but DJ also knows she’ll never be able to give that version of Deborah to AJ because it’s a version she knows of without knowing herself – a very faithful kind of believing without seeing, if you will. And much as she’s willing to wrench Deborah into the sanctuary and threaten to go low or no contact if she ruins something for AJ—an act of harshness born of love—she’s also willing to gift her son a version of her mother that she herself can’t quite access (at least not yet, maybe not ever). Ava can’t give AJ math lessons, let alone the intended role of spiritual guidance, but she can give him the version of Deborah at her best—the version she might have been had Frank and Kathy not done what they did.

Anyway, pivoting away from the Catholic of it all (a sentence I never thought I’d type in a Hacks recap!), the car conversation was obviously beautiful on its own terms, but it was also a nice way to get Deborah thinking about legacy, about belief, about what it is and was (bc it surely wasn’t faith in any higher power) that gave Deborah the strength to keep going—and how she’s going to make her show, her legacy, into the kind of thing that actually reflects who she is and what she values. Because we know that’s going to be what finally lets them succeed.

A couple quick delights: the stairwell scene, my beloved – we’ve been waiting for this, and it’s just as fun and sweet (without being saccharine) as I had hoped it would be <3

Even thought it was brief, I loved seeing Marcus - he seems so happy, and that's everything I wanted for him

Ava's book present is 100% the vibe I bring to the function (the function being all children's birthday parties)

But ya know I can't end without some kind of more critical note: I know a lot of the cast and creators talked about Julianne Nicholson as their favorite character this season, but I’m growing tired fast – don’t get me wrong, she can be fun to see, but at this point, it’s pretty clear she’s just here to give Jimmy and Kayla more to do on screen to justify the shift in narrative focus to include them as more major players (more on that in my ep. 8 notes), and it’s just…falling flat. Were this a 22-episode season kind of show, it might be different, but even with the slight increase to 10 episodes, this is a tight ship to run if you want believable character arcs scaled to the point JPL seem to want to exist at, and stuff like Dance Mom makes it baggy while taking away room for what we need to see

[meetmeinhellcroutons]

The Yellowjackets season 3 finale was absolutely fantastic, and I think I’ve figured out exactly why I loved it so much! Spoilers under the cut.

From the first episode, we’ve been waiting to see this moment. The girls have fully abandoned any pretense of normalcy. Every last remnant of civility is gone. They choose to hunt, not out of immediate need, but out of belief in the power of the wilderness. The same girls who were searching for Mari to bring her to safety at the start of the season, are now chasing her back out into the woods to be slaughtered.

It’s a climax three seasons in the making, and if you’re like me, you’ve been waiting for this moment the whole time. When I started the show, I was so excited to get to the moment we saw in the pilot, where the girls have gone fully feral (in the truest sense of the word).

And yet, when we finally got to that moment- it didn’t feel like a victory. I wasn’t excited. I felt sick watching the card draw, watching Mari run. It was exactly what I had thought I wanted to see. But to get to that moment, we had to follow the progression of the girls’ time in the wilderness. We saw them breaking down, day after day, month after month. And so when we arrived at that pivotal hunt, it wasn’t a moment of “yes feral women in the woods #girlboss”. It was a really devastating moment that cemented their fates. A moment of no return that was a long time in the making. This was the moment I finally understood why their future selves just couldn’t leave the wilderness behind. It changed them on the most fundamental, foundational level.

And honestly, there’s no better way the season could have ended. If it had been a victorious, glorified moment set to an upbeat song, the whole thing would have been cheapened. The job of the show is to tell that devastating story, and let us feel that genuine grief for who the characters could have been. How they got to that point. And what they had to become.

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[fear-no-mort]

favourite thing: his new habit of saying uhuh/mhm and also this

[therealcallmekd]

And On Next.... The Weather!

doubt any of you woulda expected this one did ya!